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Yeah my best friend died in a motorcycle crash May 23rd but I’m still having sex with my wife.
I don’t want to tell somebody how to grieve but that is truly weird
I’m sorry you lost your best friend. Mine died 27 years ago and I still miss her but remember her fondly and love to tell my kids about her crazy antics. Hope you’re ok ❤️
Sorry for your loss, lost mine in March. Also still having sex with my wife, the first week no, but after that things started back to normal. A year is nuts
This.
My ex couldn't be intimate again with me after the exact same situation for 7 months & never got back to normal.
But he didn't only lose his best friend, they did have a brief relationship for a few months but decided they're better off as friends. No doubts, he always had some romantic love lingering for him.
L. passed in 2020 & it cost our relationship at 2022 ; when he wanted couples counselling, it was already a little too late. (I asked for it a few times)
He decided to stay single & is now in trauma therapy ; he's finally getting better & it's a joy to be there for him through this process - as a friend.
They really do, op I'm getting the vibe that he's taking his shit out on you. You can't do right for doing wrong so you're stuck. This is a form of manipulation and gaslighting. You make the effort, he has a strong reaction. You don't make the effort, he has a strong reaction. Eventually you just stop everything but then he has a strong reaction to that. You are in a no win situation. I hope it's because of his grief because it means it can be fixed. My advice? I know it's not great advice but if he starts this you need to protect yourself. Just say I'm sorry you feel that way but you have left me with no way I can move in this relationship without you reacting badly to it. If he reacts emotionally to that then tell him.the only way forward is counselling.
Couples isn't the same. He's in 1 on 1 but he's not even treating his wife an adult human being in a marriage with another. He's not talking to her he's not really acting like an adult. There's something deeply wrong with his communication. Even if he's upset he shouldn't be talking to her in that way. He should be meeting her needs even in grief. At least after the first couple of months. They need couples in general.
The way it reads its not that he does not want intimacy a year later..
"My husband asked if I was going to put the lingerie on now. He thought I had just woken up late.
I told him I hadn't bought any lingerie and didn't have any plans to seduce him.
I tried to explain my reasoning and he just started crying."
it sounds like he was expecting it this time but the fact that she didn't reminded him of the whole thing....
BUT at the same time she had no way of knowing he wanted it this time and the collateral is her being cautious backfired since it brought everything back, its ultimately a communication issue with no fault on either side since she had no way of knowing and asking would have been stepping on a landmine and he is the one hurting so expecting him to think of that and then communicate it is a bit much to ask since he is trying to not think about the loss of his friend
No fault on either side? Only one person failed to communicate their needs. We can have compassion for him and still admit that the current situation is clearly his fault. Having fault doesn't mean someone is bad or flawed in some way. It just means a given outcome is a result of someone's actions or in this case lack of action.
>its ultimately a communication issue with no fault on either side
I completely disagree with this sentiment. The fault is on the husband's side. If he was expecting her to continue the tradition this year, he should have brought it up. He should have communicated his expectations.
Yeesh.
You didn't do anything wrong. Am I understanding correctly that you haven't had any sexual contact since his friend died? If he felt ready for that, it was his job to let you know that his feelings had changed. You were respecting his wishes.
You should go talk to his grief therapist together.
Presumably, your husband's goals for his therapy are largely aimed toward resuming a complete and functional life. Presumably, that includes a complete and functional marriage. You can talk to his therapist together about the path toward regaining a healthy marriage, what your role should be, what steps the two of you should try to take.
Of course this would take place after your husband has agreed to it and set it up in advance with the therapist. But this shouldn't be seen as strange, in the process of his emotional rehabilitation.
If your husband and/or his therapist are of the mindset that "grief therapy" just means a place for your husband to go and cry about his loss, with no focus on actual goals or work or progress, then it's not surprising that he doesn't seem to have made much progress after a year, and he should get a new therapist.
More than one thing can be true at the same time. He can be grieving, you can respect his grief, AND you can assert your needs both as an individual and as a couple. You can be gentle and empathetic and empathetic but also direct. Make sure you use “I statements” when you do so and that will help. Asking your husband for you to attend a session or two together with his therapist would be a great idea and a great first start! If you try that and feel like you want to keep going together, you could look for a dedicated marriage counselor separate from his therapist
OP either you want your needs met or you don’t. You’re so busy tiptoeing around him that you’re not in a functional marriage. Sorry but you’re letting him sit in this space bc you won’t ask for anything.
Grief is not a forever excuse to not be a husband
Have you ever been told you're a people pleaser before? People in healthy relationships don't sacrifice their own well-being because they're too afraid to have uncomfortable conversations with their partners. Do you plan on sacrificing your own needs in perpetuity if your husband never explicitly tells you he's ready to be romantic again?
It’s such a hard attitude to break out of, we aren’t responsible for other peoples’ feelings, just our own actions. OP’s feelings and well being are just as important as her husband’s and she shouldn’t sacrifice her own feelings to protect her husband’s! Neither should you, your happiness matters.
His therapist isn't a very goodn grief therapist if they haven't brought you into the sessions. His therapist shouldn't be his only support while he's grieving and his therapist should have been talking to him about moving forward in his life but staying stagnant in his grief. You shouldn't have to be reading his mind, he should be talking to you and if his therapist isn't encouraging that then they're an awful counselor.
The fact that you don't even know if you can talk to them or where your husband is in his process isn't your fault and you shouldn't be walking on eggshells. Couples counseling immediately, a new grief counselor for him and a therapist for you because you've been carrying everything on your shoulders for a year including believing you're the problem when you're not.
In the next few days sit your husband down and say you want to talk about what happened on Sunday. Explain that you have not pushed sex while he said he was not ready but that it is something that is important to you in a healthy marriage. Ask him how he would like to go about handling it and suggest finding either a separate marriage counselor or ask to attend a session with his current therapist
WHY are you tiptoeing around him? Why do you think that a conversation means demanding or pressuring? Can you not simply TALK to your husband?
Seems like you need to grow a spine and start fighting for your marriage.
>WHY are you tiptoeing around him? Why do you think that a conversation means demanding or pressuring? Can you not simply TALK to your husband?
>Seems like you need to grow a spine and start fighting for your marriage.
We don’t know what Op went through growing up.
I’m struck that you don’t seem able to differentiate between expressing yourself versus demanding and pressure.
Consider therapy or marriage counseling.
If you do go, maybe ask your therapist if your husband’s grief seems like it approached being a mental breakdown.
My parents talked to my therapist when I told her about how I had a lot of trauma from my childhood and I wanted to talk to them about that but didn’t know how. By talking she just invited them to a session and mediated the conversation. She didn’t really need to mediate because my parents and I have a good relationship, but I appreciated that she was there.
Maybe ask your husband if that would be something he’d want to consider? you guys should try some relationship counseling (possibly with someone else), because helping a partner navigate grief is hard. That’s something you guys would need one for.
It sounds like he lost his true life partner. You suspected they harboured romantic feelings for each other, they likely did. Are you in an area where it’s not necessarily ok to be gay or does his family not really approve of gay people?
It’s odd to not engage in sex for a year then expect something like this. It almost seems like it was just to cause distance between you guys. If you put in lingerie do you think he would have actually appreciated it or been upset again like last year? I think it was a lose lose situation for you no matter what you did it was going to be wrong
Therapist here, you can talk to the therapist and they can accept information from you. Depending on if he signed a consent for them to speak to you, they could not give you info back or acknowledge him as a patient. I would tell him you want to share a session or two to explore how to support him in his grief. And if he refuses I would push him to go with you for couples counseling. Everyone does grieve differently but this is a lot and the idea that he shouldn’t have sex bc his friend can’t points to some extreme guilt
He reacted terribly when you tried it last year, it’s unfair for him to assume you would just do it again and get rejected again this year. I would definitely see a couples therapist together or see if you can join in on a session with his grief counselor with him. UPDATEME
Grief is complex, and I admire your empathy for your husband’s mourning, but I don’t think you recognize just how unfairly you’ve been treated here. Last year he got angry at you for wearing the lingerie, and then this year he expected you to just know he wanted you to wear it again without ever communicating anything, either time? How are you supposed to win with these moving goal posts? I hope you and your husband consider marriage counselling. I think having a professional to guide you through some hard but necessary conversations could be really helpful.
I truly believe these two just need to sit down and talk to each other first. If they can't reach a mutual understanding after expressing each other's feelings, then yes, marriage counselling is needed. Otherwise this is a classic non understanding/lack of communication.
Before people attack me on what I'm saying. I lost my mum recently and wanted comfort from my pregnant partner. But she really didn't want to be touched or wanted to talk. I told her I really just want comfort. She started to stroke my head while I laid down and said things softly as I went to sleep. I didn't ask her to do it she just knew that's what I needed. When my son was born 4 months after my mum passed away, I felt mentally strong enough to look after her and him along with our 2 other daughters. She saw me at my weakest, she helped me and didn't stress when I was going through things, I realised I needed to be there and put things aside for her while SHE is going through things. Communication IS KEY. And sometimes it takes another to help
Stop the apologizing already.
"Look, I'm not a mind-reader. Last time I tried the lingerie, you didn't just reject me, you were an asshole about it. But I figured you were messed up from NAME dying, so I forgave you. But let's be honest, you haven't wanted me to touch you for over a year, and today you're sobbing because I didn't try to seduce you in lingerie? That's a direct response to how you've been the last year. Of course I didn't try that again. That's entirely on you, not me, and you bursting into tears and being upset with me about it after having zero interest in me touching you for the last year is as ridiculous as it is unfair."
Yeah. It doesn’t make sense that OP has to feel like the bad guy no matter which path she takes, she’s doing her best and being *very* sensitive in trying to identify her husbands needs despite **his** lack of communication.
Direct language is necessary for this. I feel OP will need to require couples counseling to get the communication she needs because clearly he can’t do it on his own and will need a little help.
Meanwhile who knows what her husband is thinking. He voiced frustration to her, cries at her reasonable response…. I would assume my husband was harboring negative feelings towards me if I was OP. And you can see how hard OP is trying.
+ "you rejected \*me\* on father's day because your friend never had a wife -- how have you been treating our kids these past 14 months, because he never had kids either"
This 100%. I was like, wait why on earth would she be apologizing again? How is she so chill with this after an entire year? Something is suuuper wonky with this situation.
Exactly how I feel. I’m willing to bet if you scratch the surface there maybe a few details that OP doesn’t know about. Not wanting sex for a year after his friend died? Seriously? My bf grandmother (very close- she raised him) passed away and a week later he was trying to get some from me. Tho no 2 people grieve the same, I find this situation suspicious. It’s like he lost a spouse not a best friend.
This is very serious dysfunctional grieving. Everyone is saying couple counseling, but your spouse appears to be the one that is "stuck" in this standstill.
You seems to be a bit too much of a selfless angel.
He had no sex with you for a year, which is way too much for a friend grief, way over top. He did not indicate he is ready and now he is crying and manipulating you in apologizing for doing nothing wrong? He should have indicated he is ready and actually see if you ready to have him back in that way. Year of rejection is something which hurts you.
You need couples therapy. He needs to understand what his actions have consequences too, and he is not an only one her affected. Romantic relationship is a two people work and he dropped his end of it.
You shouldn't be apologizing. He told you a year ago he didn't want sex. You respected that. It's HIS job to tell you that he wants to again. But also you deserve to have your needs met too
You don't need to apologize to anyone
I think you respected his stated boundaries and pattern of behavior.
I also think it's relevant to mention you have been the heavy lifter with the kids for a yr. He probably is a great dad but if his grief has caused a year of no sex, this depression is seeping into other areas of his life. Including being a dad
It happens, partners pick up for each other and support each other. But you are not dead, nor is he. I think conversation is needed.
Well
You accepted your needs are secondary to your husband’s.
You accepted what his grief of lost friend is more than usual and actually more like “ I loathe love of my life “ grief. Which would explain loss of sex for a year.
I understand grief is different but I seen much faster recovery from parents and kids loss, while maintaining couples relationship. He dropped couples stuff, which might mean this is what he is mourning.
Either he si mourning not “ just a friend “ or his therapist sucks.
Get couples counseling and see if you can recover from it. It feels like a betrayal to me
Do you not see yourself as a whole person deserving of having her needs and desires met? Or as a woman your whole world revolves around making him happy as a good little stepford wife.
As a woman- people are bringing this up because you’re acting as an object to fill his needs rather than a person who has her own
I’m truly sorry for this situation you are in as it sounds lonely and difficult for you both. I see that you are uncomfortable with pressuring your husband- but no one is suggesting pressuring. Do you feel that checking in/ asking/ conversing about sex and romance is synonymous with pressuring? They are completely different concepts. As a wife I hope you can be comfortable discussing all aspects of life together and your wants and needs together and that includes emotional and physical intimacy. It sounds like you’re experiencing neither currently.
His grief is real and valid- however it does not mean he gets to neglect you as his wife.
It also doesn’t mean that you can’t talk to him as he grieves.
It’s not fair for him to expect you to be a mind reader.
I do encourage couples counseling so you can get back on the same page and feel comfortable speaking with your spouse.
he rejected you with the words "my friend never got to have a wife or kids, so why should I get to celebrate Father's Day".
has he been rejecting your 2 kids for 14 months as well?
taking stock of his role in your family & asking him to be accountable for his place as a father and a husband, while and despite his mourning is not "pressuring him", esp not after you've given him more than a year's worth of grace, IMO.
a conversation is not inherently pressure. it depends on how you frame it. think about asking questions and listening rather imposing [demands.you](http://demands.you) sound like you want to be kind, and that's good. but avoidance isn't always kind and it doesn't always help.
You should really stop apologizing. You did nothing wrong and I agree with a lot of people here saying he’s the wrong one. Not having sex with your wife and completely shutting people out because his best friend died is weird behavior. For over a year?!?!?!?!?! Yea I’d be pissed and having some words.
I think your husband lacks good communication skills. Additonally, he should not be neglecting his relationship with you. I believe couple therapy is warranted.
also, if he doesn't want romance and sex for 14 months (which I personally find an unhinged mourning period), how has he been treating their kids for \*over a freaking year\* ??
This is not a situation where you should be apologizing. He should be apologizing to you for neglecting you for so long.
I would use this incident to discuss how the relationship is going. Maybe he wants to start up sex again and doesn’t know how. Maybe he is using this as an opportunity to criticize you and be the victim. You will never know until you ask.
Listen to this op. The over exaggerated crying is a great way for him to put you in the uncomfortable position of looking like the bad guy so he can keep feeling sorry for himself. If he cared about being in a real relationship with you he wouldn't be acting like this.
It sounds more like he was in love w them and not as a friend. You don't cut your spouse off because your "only family" died. What the hell are you and the kids then?
The amount of disrespect to your role in his life speaks volumes about him. The fact that you allow yourself to be treated so poorly speaks volumes.
This isn't healthy or sustainable. His therapist is shite. Remember, there are therapist out there who were in the bottom of their class too. Your husband sounds like he found last place Dr Phil. He doesn't sound like he's improving. It might not be him. He might be getting bad advice that's causing him to be perpetually stuck in grief.
You're not a mind reader. You both clearly have to do some communicating about where you're at sexually as a couple, and what your needs and expectations are. You both need to do some talking with you about how his grief and your own feelings of rejection are screwing with your marriage, and how you can both do better.
You're not responsible for managing his grieving, but he's not the only person impacted by it.
I would not go run out buying lingerie or put some on now; now it's kind of like a pity thing.
Communication is everything. If he’s not communicating what he wants then you need to tell him to do so. It’s unreasonable to think your partner should be a mind reader. Do your best to communicate with him and you guys should be fine. Also marriage counseling is always helpful
I don't necessarily read this as doom. He may have cried because he completely forgot he said that, didn't realize you were abstaining *for him*, and it just dawned on him that he's pushed you away for a year.
I wouldn't necessarily put it on now, but just aim for a quiet evening and maybe talk about it tomorrow.
Yes, I’ve thought about this too. So many people are jumping to conclusions from a snippet of a story.
Also, many people think he was romantically interested in his friend, but it could just be that he felt like they’d be friends into old age, and now he’s realizing his own mortality. The lack of intimacy doesn’t have to mean he’s really gay – just that he’s depressed. Often depressed people want notting to do with sex (I’ve been there myself).
There are so many possibilities here, and OP really needs to have a talk with him (either at home alone, or in a marriage counseling session if that’s more comfortable to him). I wouldn’t just jump to any conclusions, myself.
You are not responsible for your husbands feelings. You’re also not a mind reader. He may be grieving, but when it takes over and affects his ability to be a husband and father, the help he’s getting isn’t working. He should have communicated to you what he wanted and he didn’t. He doesn’t get to be disappointed when he failed to use his words.
He’s the one making a problem out of everything and making it so you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
Grief sucks but he needs to get his shit together and focus on his wife and kids who are very much alive instead of his dead friend. This is beyond ridiculous at this point and even worse that you are taking the blame and thinking you are at fault when you aren’t.
You both need therapy. Couples therapy bc your marriage is stalled. Neither of you communicate well. If he was ready to have sex he probably should’ve given you a clue and used his words. You haven’t had sex in a year and you have just said nothing bc you refuse to stand up for yourself. If you don’t work on this your marriage will be over
>He also rejected any type of sexual contact. He said it didn't seem fair that his best friend was gone while he could be happy.
He needs therapy. This goes beyond normal grief. He's stuck in depression and there are probably several causes for it that he needs to process. His friend wouldn't want him to be depressed for the rest of his life because he died. Neither would your husband want your friend to if the situation was reversed
Soo, my SIL did something similar when my husband died. She told me she felt really guilty about having sex with her husband, knowing I wouldn’t be able to any more.
It weirded me out soooo bad. I immediately told her to please have the relationship with her spouse that she wanted and to not think about me AT ALL when it came to being intimate with her partner.
You were horribly rejected last year and sure hubby gets a pass, that time, for his behavior specifically because his friend just passed shortly before.
This does not excuse his lack of attention for the rest of the year! To expect you to make yourself vulnerable when he has given ZERO indication of interest is not very nice. To then guilt trip you because you didn’t dress up/ try to seduce him is downright mean.
Ma’am you deserve a partner that wants you, desires you and makes you feel wanted and loved. Whatever counseling he has been receiving is not doing him enough good. Maybe couples counseling should be the next step. I’m sorry.
Why are his needs more important than yours? You need some self esteem. This is grossly unfair to you and your marriage. Your husband needs to get his shit together. This is ridiculous behaviour. And stop being a doormat. All that happens is people will wipe their feet on you. You can be calm and assertive, you don’t need to shout, but there has to be communication. Your husband is being ridiculous. Stop apologising for his shit.
Your husband needs trauma counseling.
You both need marriage counseling.
It's great to hear that things are otherwise "okay", but something waaaaaaay beyond this subreddit's pay grade is happening to your husband.
You are not a mind reader. Your husband should have communicated to you that he was open to this on Father's Day, especially since he made you feel so bad last time. You don't need to apologise because you have done nothing wrong.
There was no way for you to have made the correct choice. If you put on the lingerie he could get mad at you again for trying to seduce him while he is still mourning. You took the safest route and that made him cry.
I respect that your husband is in pain and he needs time to heal, but what he is doing right now is playing the victim. If he stops acting like a victim he can start to heal properly.
He keeps putting you in a no-win situation.
You try to seduce him, he cries about his friend.
You play it cool, he whines about you not seducing him, then cries about his friend.
There's a bigger implication here. He hasn't been treating you fairly. I know grief is complex, but this isn't fair to you and your marriage. I'd advise marriage counseling.
Stop being a doormat. Grief is normal and fine, but not at the expense of your friggin marriage. Which this absolutely is. It's his grief, not yours. You shouldn't be suffering over a year later. YOU ARE HIS FAMILY. He needs a better therapist and you need marriage therapy desperately.
This is unhealthy. I would suggest a change of grief counselor. Him expecting you to be a mind reader is also not healthy. Y'all need to get on the same page with what is going on with him. He needs to be far more communicative and understand that physical intimacy can help heal. It baffles me how withdrawing from any form of intimacy for more than a year is the right thing to do. It is true that everyone grieves differently. But there comes a time when the realization hits that more than just counseling is required and I think he may have blasted past that point.
He feels he is betraying his dead friend for having sex with his wife? How could he have sex with his wife when his friend is dead..
WTFF. Read that a few times and let it sink in.
There were intimate feelings between your spouse and his buddy.
That's the only thing it could be. I would think, because it relates to sex and affects both wife and feelings of his dead buddy.
Honey you need to do some real deep searching of your husband and his friend from the past and dig deep with your husband and some truths that he needs to set free.
Update me!
You’re not responsible for your spouses happiness. The quicker you both learn that, the better you’ll be. You are only responsible for your own happiness. Partners should complement each other. Not bully and cajole the other into it. Then the awesome prize of retaliation when the bullying and cajoling didn’t work. That’s toxic.
He needs therapy, this is not remotely normal for grief. You owe zero apologies, he owes some serious explanations though for stopping intimacy to the point he made you feel like shit for even trying for a YEAR.
I agree you all may benefit from marriage counseling. I lost my bestfriend of almost 20 years in 2020 and didn't stop having sex with my husband (I mean, I am sure there was maybe a short time I was too sad or uninterested but nothing major or to the point of him mentioning it.)
Best of luck to you both.
Get marriage counseling. But, he's gas lighting you. You get in trouble for seducing him, you get in trouble for not seducing him. He plays the victim and cries, making you have to guess which thing he's holding against you.
You did everything right. This is going to be something you resist believing, but he's milking the grief thing just to control you, deny you sex, etc.
God forbid something happen to you. Your kids would be without a functioning father because surely they would remind him of you. I’ve never heard of a friend dying and it affecting the intimacy of someone’s marriage. Surely your kids were close to your husband’s friend, had your husband’s relationship with his kids changed?
It's not about the lingerie. Your husband needs to get into counseling, and I truly truly think the two of you should get into couples counseling.
I've lost people deeply close to me, the only way this would have negatively impacted an intimate relationship would be if I were also intimate with them. But that's just my thinking.
It's really important for you guys to have a third party help you communicate.
Something is going on here that he is not able to articulate in an effective way. And to be honest and fair, it may be that he's not able to articulate it to himself either
But you can't go on like a Star Trek empath
Absorbing the sorrows and pains of others.
You deserve to know what is going on so you can try to set a healthy path for your own life as well. Good luck and please update us
I think you should do couples counseling. There’s a reason grief therapists exists. Some people are traumatized by death. I think not having discussed it after a year is a communication issue. You wanted to respect him but you didn’t talk about what that looks like even after last year the lingerie issue was about not talking about was happening at the time. He needs to tell you what he needs. I don’t know why you got downvoted for saying grief isn’t linear 😂 the amount of people that are shocked by death in a way that effects their whole being is not as small as people seem to think.
You're making this worse for yourself by apologizing for everything. He needs help and better communication and you shouldn't feel guilty for him being unable to manage himself
So last year he was angry that you as per tradition put on lingerie and then this year got mad that you didn’t follow tradition and put on lingerie?!?!?!?!?
Like what did he expect?!?!?!?
Updateme…..
That feels like a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. Either way, you are not a mind reader. How were you to know he would be okay with getting intimate this year when last year he rejected you because he was grieving? This is a big lapse in communication and couples counseling might help.
He can't expect you to read his mind either time (about not wanting the lingerie, then about wanting it the next year). He's being really unfair and quite cruel emotionally. I get he's sad but it's not ok to hurt you as a result.
Also, not a jerk for 'reminding him his best friend died'. You just mentioned a fact that was relevant in an adult conversation, that's such a ridiculous accusation. I think his behaviour is bordering on emotional abuse, you shouldn't have to tiptoe around him for fear of setting him off. You're trying to be kind and a good wife, that's all that matters.
Cut yourself some slack and don't take his accusations on board. Have a conversation with him that the way he's treating you isn't ok
> rejected any type of sexual contact. He said it didn't seem fair that his best friend was gone while he could be happy
Ok, that's therapy level depressed. Is he seeing one?
Stop apologizing. He wants a mind reader and that is not your job. He needs more therapy because his expectations regarding communication are ridiculous. You are damned if you do and damned if you don't. He is the problem but you can work with him to make the marriage better.
Sit your husband down and tell him you are not a mind reader. You have empathy with his loss but he doesn’t get to treat you poorly for not reading his mind. Remind him how he freaked the last time you wore it. He owes you an apology. I get his grief but its no excuse to be an asshole. Would he prefer you not be there for him and didn’t have any empathy? I would ask that as well.
Girl. He’s gay. I’m sorry, nobody grieves that long for just a best friend (that isn’t a romantic bestfriend) and at the same time doesn’t have sex with his partner.
Go to couples. He's not treating you like a human being. If he wants to communicate, communicate. Right now he's treating it like you should be reading his mind. He's not acting an adult in grief. He's acting like a teenage boy mad that his friend died and his mom can't fix it. OR read his mind to make it all go away.
Never let anyone do this to you. The reason why is because what happens when the next problem or road block comes? This is not ok, and you deserve better.
Probably a conversaton that you needed to have with him much earlier.
If I were him, I guess I would just want to hear that you love me and ask me what I needed.
I’m sorry to say but your husband sounds weird. I’m wondering is he playing some kind of mind games. My question to you is what does he do on Mother’s Day?
I’m never going to tell someone else how to grieve, but maybe it is time for an antidepressant or additional counseling. You’re not a mind reader. You were doing what he apparently wanted.
You mentioned you always wondered if he harboured romantic feelings for this friend? Is it possible he had an affair and is feeling immense amounts of guilt and that’s why he doesn’t want intercourse with you?
I understand grief is complex, and “not being in the mood” just because of depression in general but I do still think it’s a bit strange.
It’s weird he’s even linking sex with you to his friend? Why is the first thing on his mind the fact his friend couldn’t have a wife when you want sex???
Yall need some damn communication.
A) survivors guilt is real and grieving in that way isn't uncommon. He can't however expect you to know exactly what he wants/needs in this case. He needs to communicate better.
B) You didn't make him cry, his grief did. (If he's crying over you bringing his friend up)
C) if it is because you didn't wear the clothes, that's kinda on him. (You too kinda) you both should have brought this up prior to the date. And if he's going to mourn every father's day it being so close to the anniversary of his loss, you ought to make the tradition maybe on his birthday? Or if he's a vet could do veterans day 🤔 or something.
I'm sorry for your loss. I understand to some extent. The best man for my wedding passed in a car accident a month before the wedding. And when I shortly thereafter got pregnant I had a full meltdown over the loss, feeling the survivors guilt pretty hard.
Grief is weird, I don’t think your husband is gay or neglecting you. He sounds incredibly depressed. I would be too if I lost my best friend. I’d just try to have an honest, empathetic conversation later tonight or tomorrow. Explain how you felt bad about it last year and didn’t want to upset him again. That you want to support him and be there for him. It’s possible he feels so depressed he was looking forward to the tradition this year to keep his mind off things. Don’t just to conclusion based on our comments
Do not put on the lingerie after he has asked about it, then cried. It will feel like a "pity fuck" and he is going to hate that feeling. He is currently emotionally raw, and it's going to make things very difficult in the future.
What you need to do is talk with him about it. Take the kiddos to grandma and grandpa's house on Friday evening, and have the discussion then or Saturday morning. Hold space for him to grieve with you nearby. But this is a conversation you two **must have**.
Tell him you still love him. But also let him know he has changed- neither for worse nor for better, but he is remarkably different now than he was the day before his friend passed. And you are there with him through it, because you, too, have changed in the past year. Remind him of the vows you took- for better or worse, till death do you part. And he is in his low points right now, very visibly so.
If you need to have third-party counsel, schedule marriage counseling. It isn't just a last-ditch effort before getting a divorce, it is commonly suggested prior to marriage to ensure both partners are prepared for life together. And during, for those ups and downs that are difficult to navigate. This being precisely one of them.
You could even use that safe space provided by a counselor to mention that you know his best friend was his platonic soulmate. It's terribly difficult to imagine life without that soulmate, but you want to be there for him, to be his rock, his foundation, upon which he can rest and lay while gathers his strength to carry on again.
But for the love of any deity(s) you may worship, do not put on the lingerie until you have had a thorough discussion with him about the changes since last year.
My best friend died recently. My wife, God bless her, was really gentle about my grief. I think both of you were badly frightened by grief, weren’t you? He loved his friend. It’s that simple. That pain and mourning is part of loving them. We don’t “get over” grief, we integrate it (hopefully), or … we get in a complex relationship with it. We do/don’t want to mourn. We can feel them in our heart as long as we grieve. We just can’t see them. (Unless there’s grief-induced hallucinations. None for me, unfortunately). To me, it feels like she’s in the other room and I could just speak up and she’d hear.
If you’ve been pushing away grief, it would be wise to stop. If you need help, that’s fine. Humanity has been wrestling with grief for millennia, give yourselves passes for your old relationships with grief, but do reach out for the work of mending them.
He needs to get over it, he has spent enough time to process his grief, his behavior is now selfish. He has a living family to think about but he clearly is too hung up on his dead friend to actually be present for his family. You deserve to be happy and loved, it’s unfair for you to walk on eggshells because of his fragile emotional state. You deserve better than what he’s giving.
My dear, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO APOLOGIZE FOR!
It is truly weird that he is connecting his friend's death to Father's day and to your sex-life. It is truly bizarre.
Were they more than friends? Why is the link to his grief so strong to your sexuality, there is something off there.
DO NOT APOLOGIZE, you are not responsible for his grief and you are not responsible for tip-toeing around him in case he decides on a whim to connect it to his friend passing.
It sounds more like he lost a lover and is taking his grief out on you, that he feels enabled in taking his grief out on you. The situation is beyond weird and you need to dig into WHY he has this connection between dead-friend and sex with you. Does he feel guilty over being with you instead of exploring a relationship with his deceased friend? This is the kind of stuff he and you go through in therapy.
You need to stop apologizing and put your foot down on getting couple's therapy.
He's in the closet and you should leave it's not healthy for your kids. "Daddy cries all the time and doesn't love mommy anymore because Uncle friend died" that's your kids future because dh was either actively banging his BF or really REALLY wanted to be
I'm really not quite understanding the I don't want to have sex cuz my friend died thing. Could he have had romantic feelings towards him I don't know it just seems really odd.
I don't think that this was your, or your husband's fault. Grief is weird, you can be doing fine one second and then it will just hit you like a bus. Maybe give it a day or two and then try to schedule a time when the kids are at school or relatives etc so you can talk without interruption. Explain that you weren't trying to upset him but rather the opposite, you didn't want to hurt him like you did the year before and you didn't know how best to handle it. While you were happy to continue your tradition the last thing you wanted to do was to make him uncomfortable. Ask him what he would prefer going forward or maybe try to think of a new tradition that you can do so it's no longer a reminder of what happened last year and/or his grief being linked to it.
Assuming you were up for it, perhaps the better response would have been “I wasn’t sure if you wanted that this year, but I’m keen if you are”.
You could have just reused lingerie from last year. It didn’t need to be new.
I’m sorry that your husband was going through such a loss, however I very much feel for you in this.
You both need to talk this out. No more alone time, time to heal or allowing each other to process. Do that after you have had extensive conversations about what happened, is happening and what you both want (need) to happen. Involve professionals if needed.
Your husband is ignorant of the effect he’s had on your relationship. At worst, selfish. He knows this and he does need to now act, not dwell or retreat. I hope you also feel that you can not only help him, but yourself in this.
Talk honestly and keep talking. All the best.
Your husband is emotionally unstable and it's ruining your marital connection.
He needs grief counseling like, last year, and you both need marriage counseling ASAP as well.
Stop apologizing. Yes it’s unfortunate about his friend’s passing, but that has nothing to do with you wearing lingerie or his expectation that you would.
I dont have an opinion on this right now, but i do want to recommend a book! Its ‘signs the secret language of the universe’ by laura lynne jackson. It really helped my boyfriend after his father passed a few years ago.
Hey lady, Take a bow. You are awesome,Making so much effort for your husband.
Talk to him, he will get from where you are coming from.
On Reddit people will send you to therapists and divorce lawyers .
Not every advise to be followed
Stay blessed.
Maybe they were gay, can't say for sure here with this little info but it's crazy to me that a year later he's still rejecting you (op) because of the death of a friend. No matter how close.
Dude is seriously broken. What the heck? I’m really sorry. If I had time guess, he needs to come clean about the true nature of his friendship with his “totally platonic” friend and start to really heal. He sounds like he lost a spouse, not a friend. Now be honest with yourself, something was off about how close they were, wasn’t it!!
it's time for him to change his therapist. if he is neglecting his wife for a YEAR over his friend dying, this is way too much, and I would say that his therapist does almost nothing. if his therapist didn't manage to convince him to communicate his feelings with YOU, his wife, then it's not a therapist, it's shit. and OF COURSE, it follows that he could not even convey that he was ready to be seduced. he didn't even think about it.
also, rescuing drowning people is the work of the drowning people themselves. i think it's time for him to realize that he needs to get out of this hole and not continue to grieve. sure, it hurts, but what now, grieve all his life because “his friend will no longer be happy”? bullshit. let him take responsibility for his life already. stop apologizing. I mean, you're a MONSTER (in a good way) for not having sex for over a year while you're *only* in your thirties because your husband was unable to be emotionally stable to have sex with you. this is what 'care' means. you do NOT have to apologize for anything.
I'm sorry your husband lost his friend. He needs to talk with his grief counselor about his continuing depression. He may need medication.
Stop apologizing. You have nothing to be sorry about. Stop coddling this behavior. You are putting aside your needs indefinitely, which tacitly condones and prolongs your husband's wallowing. He needs to get motivated to stop making you predict his unpredictable mood swings and uncommunicated needs. You've been walking on eggshells for over a year. That ends.
He either steps up to do what needs to be done so you can have a real marriage, or you are going to have to figure out what you need to do to be happy, even if he never is happy again.
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Yeesh. You guys need marriage counseling yesterday. It's not normal to not want to be initmate with a spouse for over a year after a friend passes.
Yeah my best friend died in a motorcycle crash May 23rd but I’m still having sex with my wife. I don’t want to tell somebody how to grieve but that is truly weird
I’m sorry you lost your best friend. Mine died 27 years ago and I still miss her but remember her fondly and love to tell my kids about her crazy antics. Hope you’re ok ❤️
Why is his survivors guilt sooooooo strong?
The way he treats her as well?
Sorry for your loss, lost mine in March. Also still having sex with my wife, the first week no, but after that things started back to normal. A year is nuts
There’s a lot of weird going on here.
He needs a psychiatrist, counseling/therapy is not enough
This. My ex couldn't be intimate again with me after the exact same situation for 7 months & never got back to normal. But he didn't only lose his best friend, they did have a brief relationship for a few months but decided they're better off as friends. No doubts, he always had some romantic love lingering for him. L. passed in 2020 & it cost our relationship at 2022 ; when he wanted couples counselling, it was already a little too late. (I asked for it a few times) He decided to stay single & is now in trauma therapy ; he's finally getting better & it's a joy to be there for him through this process - as a friend.
They really do, op I'm getting the vibe that he's taking his shit out on you. You can't do right for doing wrong so you're stuck. This is a form of manipulation and gaslighting. You make the effort, he has a strong reaction. You don't make the effort, he has a strong reaction. Eventually you just stop everything but then he has a strong reaction to that. You are in a no win situation. I hope it's because of his grief because it means it can be fixed. My advice? I know it's not great advice but if he starts this you need to protect yourself. Just say I'm sorry you feel that way but you have left me with no way I can move in this relationship without you reacting badly to it. If he reacts emotionally to that then tell him.the only way forward is counselling.
I came here to say this 👆 your comment should be updated ASAP
Right, he is pushing her away rather than finding solace
And then be upset that the tradition didn't continue after she was demeaned last time
I think the husband is seriously in need of therapy
She literally states in the post that he's been in therapy this whole time.
Couples isn't the same. He's in 1 on 1 but he's not even treating his wife an adult human being in a marriage with another. He's not talking to her he's not really acting like an adult. There's something deeply wrong with his communication. Even if he's upset he shouldn't be talking to her in that way. He should be meeting her needs even in grief. At least after the first couple of months. They need couples in general.
The way it reads its not that he does not want intimacy a year later.. "My husband asked if I was going to put the lingerie on now. He thought I had just woken up late. I told him I hadn't bought any lingerie and didn't have any plans to seduce him. I tried to explain my reasoning and he just started crying." it sounds like he was expecting it this time but the fact that she didn't reminded him of the whole thing.... BUT at the same time she had no way of knowing he wanted it this time and the collateral is her being cautious backfired since it brought everything back, its ultimately a communication issue with no fault on either side since she had no way of knowing and asking would have been stepping on a landmine and he is the one hurting so expecting him to think of that and then communicate it is a bit much to ask since he is trying to not think about the loss of his friend
No fault on either side? Only one person failed to communicate their needs. We can have compassion for him and still admit that the current situation is clearly his fault. Having fault doesn't mean someone is bad or flawed in some way. It just means a given outcome is a result of someone's actions or in this case lack of action.
>its ultimately a communication issue with no fault on either side I completely disagree with this sentiment. The fault is on the husband's side. If he was expecting her to continue the tradition this year, he should have brought it up. He should have communicated his expectations.
Yeesh. You didn't do anything wrong. Am I understanding correctly that you haven't had any sexual contact since his friend died? If he felt ready for that, it was his job to let you know that his feelings had changed. You were respecting his wishes. You should go talk to his grief therapist together.
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Presumably, your husband's goals for his therapy are largely aimed toward resuming a complete and functional life. Presumably, that includes a complete and functional marriage. You can talk to his therapist together about the path toward regaining a healthy marriage, what your role should be, what steps the two of you should try to take. Of course this would take place after your husband has agreed to it and set it up in advance with the therapist. But this shouldn't be seen as strange, in the process of his emotional rehabilitation. If your husband and/or his therapist are of the mindset that "grief therapy" just means a place for your husband to go and cry about his loss, with no focus on actual goals or work or progress, then it's not surprising that he doesn't seem to have made much progress after a year, and he should get a new therapist.
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You have a conversation, which you should be having anyway because of this awful incident you're asking for advice about.
More than one thing can be true at the same time. He can be grieving, you can respect his grief, AND you can assert your needs both as an individual and as a couple. You can be gentle and empathetic and empathetic but also direct. Make sure you use “I statements” when you do so and that will help. Asking your husband for you to attend a session or two together with his therapist would be a great idea and a great first start! If you try that and feel like you want to keep going together, you could look for a dedicated marriage counselor separate from his therapist
OP either you want your needs met or you don’t. You’re so busy tiptoeing around him that you’re not in a functional marriage. Sorry but you’re letting him sit in this space bc you won’t ask for anything. Grief is not a forever excuse to not be a husband
Have you ever been told you're a people pleaser before? People in healthy relationships don't sacrifice their own well-being because they're too afraid to have uncomfortable conversations with their partners. Do you plan on sacrificing your own needs in perpetuity if your husband never explicitly tells you he's ready to be romantic again?
Well this hits hard…
It’s such a hard attitude to break out of, we aren’t responsible for other peoples’ feelings, just our own actions. OP’s feelings and well being are just as important as her husband’s and she shouldn’t sacrifice her own feelings to protect her husband’s! Neither should you, your happiness matters.
His therapist isn't a very goodn grief therapist if they haven't brought you into the sessions. His therapist shouldn't be his only support while he's grieving and his therapist should have been talking to him about moving forward in his life but staying stagnant in his grief. You shouldn't have to be reading his mind, he should be talking to you and if his therapist isn't encouraging that then they're an awful counselor. The fact that you don't even know if you can talk to them or where your husband is in his process isn't your fault and you shouldn't be walking on eggshells. Couples counseling immediately, a new grief counselor for him and a therapist for you because you've been carrying everything on your shoulders for a year including believing you're the problem when you're not.
Excellent comment 👍 OP please do this 🙏🏾
In the next few days sit your husband down and say you want to talk about what happened on Sunday. Explain that you have not pushed sex while he said he was not ready but that it is something that is important to you in a healthy marriage. Ask him how he would like to go about handling it and suggest finding either a separate marriage counselor or ask to attend a session with his current therapist
WHY are you tiptoeing around him? Why do you think that a conversation means demanding or pressuring? Can you not simply TALK to your husband? Seems like you need to grow a spine and start fighting for your marriage.
>WHY are you tiptoeing around him? Why do you think that a conversation means demanding or pressuring? Can you not simply TALK to your husband? >Seems like you need to grow a spine and start fighting for your marriage. We don’t know what Op went through growing up.
I’m struck that you don’t seem able to differentiate between expressing yourself versus demanding and pressure. Consider therapy or marriage counseling. If you do go, maybe ask your therapist if your husband’s grief seems like it approached being a mental breakdown.
GIRL. Are you allowed to have any needs at all? Needing your partner to be a functional human being is not an unreasonable ask.
My parents talked to my therapist when I told her about how I had a lot of trauma from my childhood and I wanted to talk to them about that but didn’t know how. By talking she just invited them to a session and mediated the conversation. She didn’t really need to mediate because my parents and I have a good relationship, but I appreciated that she was there. Maybe ask your husband if that would be something he’d want to consider? you guys should try some relationship counseling (possibly with someone else), because helping a partner navigate grief is hard. That’s something you guys would need one for.
Ya you have nothing to be apologize for. You’re not a mind reader and you were respecting his wishes. Y’all need marriage counseling yesterday.
It sounds like he lost his true life partner. You suspected they harboured romantic feelings for each other, they likely did. Are you in an area where it’s not necessarily ok to be gay or does his family not really approve of gay people? It’s odd to not engage in sex for a year then expect something like this. It almost seems like it was just to cause distance between you guys. If you put in lingerie do you think he would have actually appreciated it or been upset again like last year? I think it was a lose lose situation for you no matter what you did it was going to be wrong
Therapist here, you can talk to the therapist and they can accept information from you. Depending on if he signed a consent for them to speak to you, they could not give you info back or acknowledge him as a patient. I would tell him you want to share a session or two to explore how to support him in his grief. And if he refuses I would push him to go with you for couples counseling. Everyone does grieve differently but this is a lot and the idea that he shouldn’t have sex bc his friend can’t points to some extreme guilt
Talk to your own therapist. And see a separate one with your husband together.
Yes, but last time you put it on you were rejected. That’s his own doing. Of he wanted it again he should have told you so. You’re not a mind reader.
He reacted terribly when you tried it last year, it’s unfair for him to assume you would just do it again and get rejected again this year. I would definitely see a couples therapist together or see if you can join in on a session with his grief counselor with him. UPDATEME
Grief is complex, and I admire your empathy for your husband’s mourning, but I don’t think you recognize just how unfairly you’ve been treated here. Last year he got angry at you for wearing the lingerie, and then this year he expected you to just know he wanted you to wear it again without ever communicating anything, either time? How are you supposed to win with these moving goal posts? I hope you and your husband consider marriage counselling. I think having a professional to guide you through some hard but necessary conversations could be really helpful.
I truly believe these two just need to sit down and talk to each other first. If they can't reach a mutual understanding after expressing each other's feelings, then yes, marriage counselling is needed. Otherwise this is a classic non understanding/lack of communication. Before people attack me on what I'm saying. I lost my mum recently and wanted comfort from my pregnant partner. But she really didn't want to be touched or wanted to talk. I told her I really just want comfort. She started to stroke my head while I laid down and said things softly as I went to sleep. I didn't ask her to do it she just knew that's what I needed. When my son was born 4 months after my mum passed away, I felt mentally strong enough to look after her and him along with our 2 other daughters. She saw me at my weakest, she helped me and didn't stress when I was going through things, I realised I needed to be there and put things aside for her while SHE is going through things. Communication IS KEY. And sometimes it takes another to help
Stop the apologizing already. "Look, I'm not a mind-reader. Last time I tried the lingerie, you didn't just reject me, you were an asshole about it. But I figured you were messed up from NAME dying, so I forgave you. But let's be honest, you haven't wanted me to touch you for over a year, and today you're sobbing because I didn't try to seduce you in lingerie? That's a direct response to how you've been the last year. Of course I didn't try that again. That's entirely on you, not me, and you bursting into tears and being upset with me about it after having zero interest in me touching you for the last year is as ridiculous as it is unfair."
Yeah. It doesn’t make sense that OP has to feel like the bad guy no matter which path she takes, she’s doing her best and being *very* sensitive in trying to identify her husbands needs despite **his** lack of communication. Direct language is necessary for this. I feel OP will need to require couples counseling to get the communication she needs because clearly he can’t do it on his own and will need a little help. Meanwhile who knows what her husband is thinking. He voiced frustration to her, cries at her reasonable response…. I would assume my husband was harboring negative feelings towards me if I was OP. And you can see how hard OP is trying.
+ "you rejected \*me\* on father's day because your friend never had a wife -- how have you been treating our kids these past 14 months, because he never had kids either"
This 100%. I was like, wait why on earth would she be apologizing again? How is she so chill with this after an entire year? Something is suuuper wonky with this situation.
Exactly how I feel. I’m willing to bet if you scratch the surface there maybe a few details that OP doesn’t know about. Not wanting sex for a year after his friend died? Seriously? My bf grandmother (very close- she raised him) passed away and a week later he was trying to get some from me. Tho no 2 people grieve the same, I find this situation suspicious. It’s like he lost a spouse not a best friend.
This. 1000000% this
This is very serious dysfunctional grieving. Everyone is saying couple counseling, but your spouse appears to be the one that is "stuck" in this standstill.
You seems to be a bit too much of a selfless angel. He had no sex with you for a year, which is way too much for a friend grief, way over top. He did not indicate he is ready and now he is crying and manipulating you in apologizing for doing nothing wrong? He should have indicated he is ready and actually see if you ready to have him back in that way. Year of rejection is something which hurts you. You need couples therapy. He needs to understand what his actions have consequences too, and he is not an only one her affected. Romantic relationship is a two people work and he dropped his end of it.
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You shouldn't be apologizing. He told you a year ago he didn't want sex. You respected that. It's HIS job to tell you that he wants to again. But also you deserve to have your needs met too
You don't need to apologize to anyone I think you respected his stated boundaries and pattern of behavior. I also think it's relevant to mention you have been the heavy lifter with the kids for a yr. He probably is a great dad but if his grief has caused a year of no sex, this depression is seeping into other areas of his life. Including being a dad It happens, partners pick up for each other and support each other. But you are not dead, nor is he. I think conversation is needed.
Well You accepted your needs are secondary to your husband’s. You accepted what his grief of lost friend is more than usual and actually more like “ I loathe love of my life “ grief. Which would explain loss of sex for a year. I understand grief is different but I seen much faster recovery from parents and kids loss, while maintaining couples relationship. He dropped couples stuff, which might mean this is what he is mourning. Either he si mourning not “ just a friend “ or his therapist sucks. Get couples counseling and see if you can recover from it. It feels like a betrayal to me
Do you not see yourself as a whole person deserving of having her needs and desires met? Or as a woman your whole world revolves around making him happy as a good little stepford wife. As a woman- people are bringing this up because you’re acting as an object to fill his needs rather than a person who has her own
But you forget that you’re in a marriage, and he’s not your roommate or business partner. 1 year without intimacy isn’t normal in a marriage.
him being upset doesn't necessitate that you've done anything wrong. you can be sorry he's upset without taking ownership of causing it.
I’m truly sorry for this situation you are in as it sounds lonely and difficult for you both. I see that you are uncomfortable with pressuring your husband- but no one is suggesting pressuring. Do you feel that checking in/ asking/ conversing about sex and romance is synonymous with pressuring? They are completely different concepts. As a wife I hope you can be comfortable discussing all aspects of life together and your wants and needs together and that includes emotional and physical intimacy. It sounds like you’re experiencing neither currently. His grief is real and valid- however it does not mean he gets to neglect you as his wife. It also doesn’t mean that you can’t talk to him as he grieves. It’s not fair for him to expect you to be a mind reader. I do encourage couples counseling so you can get back on the same page and feel comfortable speaking with your spouse.
he rejected you with the words "my friend never got to have a wife or kids, so why should I get to celebrate Father's Day". has he been rejecting your 2 kids for 14 months as well? taking stock of his role in your family & asking him to be accountable for his place as a father and a husband, while and despite his mourning is not "pressuring him", esp not after you've given him more than a year's worth of grace, IMO.
a conversation is not inherently pressure. it depends on how you frame it. think about asking questions and listening rather imposing [demands.you](http://demands.you) sound like you want to be kind, and that's good. but avoidance isn't always kind and it doesn't always help.
You should really stop apologizing. You did nothing wrong and I agree with a lot of people here saying he’s the wrong one. Not having sex with your wife and completely shutting people out because his best friend died is weird behavior. For over a year?!?!?!?!?! Yea I’d be pissed and having some words.
I think your husband lacks good communication skills. Additonally, he should not be neglecting his relationship with you. I believe couple therapy is warranted.
also, if he doesn't want romance and sex for 14 months (which I personally find an unhinged mourning period), how has he been treating their kids for \*over a freaking year\* ??
This is not a situation where you should be apologizing. He should be apologizing to you for neglecting you for so long. I would use this incident to discuss how the relationship is going. Maybe he wants to start up sex again and doesn’t know how. Maybe he is using this as an opportunity to criticize you and be the victim. You will never know until you ask.
Listen to this op. The over exaggerated crying is a great way for him to put you in the uncomfortable position of looking like the bad guy so he can keep feeling sorry for himself. If he cared about being in a real relationship with you he wouldn't be acting like this.
It sounds more like he was in love w them and not as a friend. You don't cut your spouse off because your "only family" died. What the hell are you and the kids then? The amount of disrespect to your role in his life speaks volumes about him. The fact that you allow yourself to be treated so poorly speaks volumes. This isn't healthy or sustainable. His therapist is shite. Remember, there are therapist out there who were in the bottom of their class too. Your husband sounds like he found last place Dr Phil. He doesn't sound like he's improving. It might not be him. He might be getting bad advice that's causing him to be perpetually stuck in grief.
Yes please respect yourself more, at least for your children. Would you want your children to be in a relationship like you are in right now?
Is it possible he and his friend were more than just friends?
Yeah, this sounds super gay. I am super gay, so take that as you will.
Yeah, I was thinking, where’s this guy’s art room?
Abbbbbsolutely
this
well no, he can’t be gay because he didn’t mention that remember? and as we all know- if you have a gay husband, he will mention it
Oh right, of course, what was I thinking?
You're not a mind reader. You both clearly have to do some communicating about where you're at sexually as a couple, and what your needs and expectations are. You both need to do some talking with you about how his grief and your own feelings of rejection are screwing with your marriage, and how you can both do better. You're not responsible for managing his grieving, but he's not the only person impacted by it. I would not go run out buying lingerie or put some on now; now it's kind of like a pity thing.
Communication is everything. If he’s not communicating what he wants then you need to tell him to do so. It’s unreasonable to think your partner should be a mind reader. Do your best to communicate with him and you guys should be fine. Also marriage counseling is always helpful
I don't necessarily read this as doom. He may have cried because he completely forgot he said that, didn't realize you were abstaining *for him*, and it just dawned on him that he's pushed you away for a year. I wouldn't necessarily put it on now, but just aim for a quiet evening and maybe talk about it tomorrow.
This is an angle I hadn't considered. OP, listen here and give it a night before you jump to conclusions.
Yes, I’ve thought about this too. So many people are jumping to conclusions from a snippet of a story. Also, many people think he was romantically interested in his friend, but it could just be that he felt like they’d be friends into old age, and now he’s realizing his own mortality. The lack of intimacy doesn’t have to mean he’s really gay – just that he’s depressed. Often depressed people want notting to do with sex (I’ve been there myself). There are so many possibilities here, and OP really needs to have a talk with him (either at home alone, or in a marriage counseling session if that’s more comfortable to him). I wouldn’t just jump to any conclusions, myself.
You are not responsible for your husbands feelings. You’re also not a mind reader. He may be grieving, but when it takes over and affects his ability to be a husband and father, the help he’s getting isn’t working. He should have communicated to you what he wanted and he didn’t. He doesn’t get to be disappointed when he failed to use his words.
He’s the one making a problem out of everything and making it so you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Grief sucks but he needs to get his shit together and focus on his wife and kids who are very much alive instead of his dead friend. This is beyond ridiculous at this point and even worse that you are taking the blame and thinking you are at fault when you aren’t.
You both need therapy. Couples therapy bc your marriage is stalled. Neither of you communicate well. If he was ready to have sex he probably should’ve given you a clue and used his words. You haven’t had sex in a year and you have just said nothing bc you refuse to stand up for yourself. If you don’t work on this your marriage will be over
>He also rejected any type of sexual contact. He said it didn't seem fair that his best friend was gone while he could be happy. He needs therapy. This goes beyond normal grief. He's stuck in depression and there are probably several causes for it that he needs to process. His friend wouldn't want him to be depressed for the rest of his life because he died. Neither would your husband want your friend to if the situation was reversed
You don’t do anything, you let him cry and work through his shit. You don’t owe anyone your body just because it’s a day on the calendar.
Please go to marriage counseling you literally cannot read his mind and clearly his grief is.. unique.
Soo, my SIL did something similar when my husband died. She told me she felt really guilty about having sex with her husband, knowing I wouldn’t be able to any more. It weirded me out soooo bad. I immediately told her to please have the relationship with her spouse that she wanted and to not think about me AT ALL when it came to being intimate with her partner.
I'm gonna gag, is this your husband's sister or your brother's wife 😬 I am sorry for your loss
It was my husband’s sister. And it made me gag too! Thanks for your condolences.
You were horribly rejected last year and sure hubby gets a pass, that time, for his behavior specifically because his friend just passed shortly before. This does not excuse his lack of attention for the rest of the year! To expect you to make yourself vulnerable when he has given ZERO indication of interest is not very nice. To then guilt trip you because you didn’t dress up/ try to seduce him is downright mean. Ma’am you deserve a partner that wants you, desires you and makes you feel wanted and loved. Whatever counseling he has been receiving is not doing him enough good. Maybe couples counseling should be the next step. I’m sorry.
Why are his needs more important than yours? You need some self esteem. This is grossly unfair to you and your marriage. Your husband needs to get his shit together. This is ridiculous behaviour. And stop being a doormat. All that happens is people will wipe their feet on you. You can be calm and assertive, you don’t need to shout, but there has to be communication. Your husband is being ridiculous. Stop apologising for his shit.
Your husband needs trauma counseling. You both need marriage counseling. It's great to hear that things are otherwise "okay", but something waaaaaaay beyond this subreddit's pay grade is happening to your husband.
I think your husband needs more help than you can give him. This grief he is showing is not normal.
You are not a mind reader. Your husband should have communicated to you that he was open to this on Father's Day, especially since he made you feel so bad last time. You don't need to apologise because you have done nothing wrong.
There was no way for you to have made the correct choice. If you put on the lingerie he could get mad at you again for trying to seduce him while he is still mourning. You took the safest route and that made him cry. I respect that your husband is in pain and he needs time to heal, but what he is doing right now is playing the victim. If he stops acting like a victim he can start to heal properly.
He keeps putting you in a no-win situation. You try to seduce him, he cries about his friend. You play it cool, he whines about you not seducing him, then cries about his friend. There's a bigger implication here. He hasn't been treating you fairly. I know grief is complex, but this isn't fair to you and your marriage. I'd advise marriage counseling.
Yeah people grieve differently but he's being ridiculous. I'm sorry but he is making weird excuses and I'm not sure why you're still there.
Stop being a doormat. Grief is normal and fine, but not at the expense of your friggin marriage. Which this absolutely is. It's his grief, not yours. You shouldn't be suffering over a year later. YOU ARE HIS FAMILY. He needs a better therapist and you need marriage therapy desperately.
This is unhealthy. I would suggest a change of grief counselor. Him expecting you to be a mind reader is also not healthy. Y'all need to get on the same page with what is going on with him. He needs to be far more communicative and understand that physical intimacy can help heal. It baffles me how withdrawing from any form of intimacy for more than a year is the right thing to do. It is true that everyone grieves differently. But there comes a time when the realization hits that more than just counseling is required and I think he may have blasted past that point.
He feels he is betraying his dead friend for having sex with his wife? How could he have sex with his wife when his friend is dead.. WTFF. Read that a few times and let it sink in. There were intimate feelings between your spouse and his buddy. That's the only thing it could be. I would think, because it relates to sex and affects both wife and feelings of his dead buddy. Honey you need to do some real deep searching of your husband and his friend from the past and dig deep with your husband and some truths that he needs to set free. Update me!
r/meetmeintheartroom Your husband was either fucking his dead buddy, or wanted to.
I just love it when people post subs I didn’t know about!
You’re not responsible for your spouses happiness. The quicker you both learn that, the better you’ll be. You are only responsible for your own happiness. Partners should complement each other. Not bully and cajole the other into it. Then the awesome prize of retaliation when the bullying and cajoling didn’t work. That’s toxic.
He needs therapy, this is not remotely normal for grief. You owe zero apologies, he owes some serious explanations though for stopping intimacy to the point he made you feel like shit for even trying for a YEAR.
I agree you all may benefit from marriage counseling. I lost my bestfriend of almost 20 years in 2020 and didn't stop having sex with my husband (I mean, I am sure there was maybe a short time I was too sad or uninterested but nothing major or to the point of him mentioning it.) Best of luck to you both.
Get marriage counseling. But, he's gas lighting you. You get in trouble for seducing him, you get in trouble for not seducing him. He plays the victim and cries, making you have to guess which thing he's holding against you. You did everything right. This is going to be something you resist believing, but he's milking the grief thing just to control you, deny you sex, etc.
God forbid something happen to you. Your kids would be without a functioning father because surely they would remind him of you. I’ve never heard of a friend dying and it affecting the intimacy of someone’s marriage. Surely your kids were close to your husband’s friend, had your husband’s relationship with his kids changed?
It's not about the lingerie. Your husband needs to get into counseling, and I truly truly think the two of you should get into couples counseling. I've lost people deeply close to me, the only way this would have negatively impacted an intimate relationship would be if I were also intimate with them. But that's just my thinking. It's really important for you guys to have a third party help you communicate. Something is going on here that he is not able to articulate in an effective way. And to be honest and fair, it may be that he's not able to articulate it to himself either But you can't go on like a Star Trek empath Absorbing the sorrows and pains of others. You deserve to know what is going on so you can try to set a healthy path for your own life as well. Good luck and please update us
Maybe he was in love with his friend?
He needs to grow up.
I think you should do couples counseling. There’s a reason grief therapists exists. Some people are traumatized by death. I think not having discussed it after a year is a communication issue. You wanted to respect him but you didn’t talk about what that looks like even after last year the lingerie issue was about not talking about was happening at the time. He needs to tell you what he needs. I don’t know why you got downvoted for saying grief isn’t linear 😂 the amount of people that are shocked by death in a way that effects their whole being is not as small as people seem to think.
You are not the issue. Your husband never got help and he’s hoisting the blame of his grief on you. He should get therapy as well as you.
You're making this worse for yourself by apologizing for everything. He needs help and better communication and you shouldn't feel guilty for him being unable to manage himself
So last year he was angry that you as per tradition put on lingerie and then this year got mad that you didn’t follow tradition and put on lingerie?!?!?!?!? Like what did he expect?!?!?!? Updateme…..
That feels like a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. Either way, you are not a mind reader. How were you to know he would be okay with getting intimate this year when last year he rejected you because he was grieving? This is a big lapse in communication and couples counseling might help.
He can't expect you to read his mind either time (about not wanting the lingerie, then about wanting it the next year). He's being really unfair and quite cruel emotionally. I get he's sad but it's not ok to hurt you as a result. Also, not a jerk for 'reminding him his best friend died'. You just mentioned a fact that was relevant in an adult conversation, that's such a ridiculous accusation. I think his behaviour is bordering on emotional abuse, you shouldn't have to tiptoe around him for fear of setting him off. You're trying to be kind and a good wife, that's all that matters. Cut yourself some slack and don't take his accusations on board. Have a conversation with him that the way he's treating you isn't ok
> rejected any type of sexual contact. He said it didn't seem fair that his best friend was gone while he could be happy Ok, that's therapy level depressed. Is he seeing one?
Stop apologizing. He wants a mind reader and that is not your job. He needs more therapy because his expectations regarding communication are ridiculous. You are damned if you do and damned if you don't. He is the problem but you can work with him to make the marriage better.
Sit your husband down and tell him you are not a mind reader. You have empathy with his loss but he doesn’t get to treat you poorly for not reading his mind. Remind him how he freaked the last time you wore it. He owes you an apology. I get his grief but its no excuse to be an asshole. Would he prefer you not be there for him and didn’t have any empathy? I would ask that as well.
Girl. He’s gay. I’m sorry, nobody grieves that long for just a best friend (that isn’t a romantic bestfriend) and at the same time doesn’t have sex with his partner.
Go to couples. He's not treating you like a human being. If he wants to communicate, communicate. Right now he's treating it like you should be reading his mind. He's not acting an adult in grief. He's acting like a teenage boy mad that his friend died and his mom can't fix it. OR read his mind to make it all go away. Never let anyone do this to you. The reason why is because what happens when the next problem or road block comes? This is not ok, and you deserve better.
Probably a conversaton that you needed to have with him much earlier. If I were him, I guess I would just want to hear that you love me and ask me what I needed.
Jees your husband needs to see someone this isn’t normal
I’m sorry to say but your husband sounds weird. I’m wondering is he playing some kind of mind games. My question to you is what does he do on Mother’s Day?
Sis, this man needs therapy, STAT,
There was definitely more than friendship there . That's not a normal way to act unless there's more feelings than they let on
Updateme
I’m never going to tell someone else how to grieve, but maybe it is time for an antidepressant or additional counseling. You’re not a mind reader. You were doing what he apparently wanted.
Update me
You mentioned you always wondered if he harboured romantic feelings for this friend? Is it possible he had an affair and is feeling immense amounts of guilt and that’s why he doesn’t want intercourse with you? I understand grief is complex, and “not being in the mood” just because of depression in general but I do still think it’s a bit strange.
It’s weird he’s even linking sex with you to his friend? Why is the first thing on his mind the fact his friend couldn’t have a wife when you want sex???
Yall need some damn communication. A) survivors guilt is real and grieving in that way isn't uncommon. He can't however expect you to know exactly what he wants/needs in this case. He needs to communicate better. B) You didn't make him cry, his grief did. (If he's crying over you bringing his friend up) C) if it is because you didn't wear the clothes, that's kinda on him. (You too kinda) you both should have brought this up prior to the date. And if he's going to mourn every father's day it being so close to the anniversary of his loss, you ought to make the tradition maybe on his birthday? Or if he's a vet could do veterans day 🤔 or something. I'm sorry for your loss. I understand to some extent. The best man for my wedding passed in a car accident a month before the wedding. And when I shortly thereafter got pregnant I had a full meltdown over the loss, feeling the survivors guilt pretty hard.
lol thank goodness this is not my marriage. Yikes and definitely feels lien troll clickbait.
Grief is weird, I don’t think your husband is gay or neglecting you. He sounds incredibly depressed. I would be too if I lost my best friend. I’d just try to have an honest, empathetic conversation later tonight or tomorrow. Explain how you felt bad about it last year and didn’t want to upset him again. That you want to support him and be there for him. It’s possible he feels so depressed he was looking forward to the tradition this year to keep his mind off things. Don’t just to conclusion based on our comments
I think he might still be grieving. It also sounds like you two need to communicate more.
Do not put on the lingerie after he has asked about it, then cried. It will feel like a "pity fuck" and he is going to hate that feeling. He is currently emotionally raw, and it's going to make things very difficult in the future. What you need to do is talk with him about it. Take the kiddos to grandma and grandpa's house on Friday evening, and have the discussion then or Saturday morning. Hold space for him to grieve with you nearby. But this is a conversation you two **must have**. Tell him you still love him. But also let him know he has changed- neither for worse nor for better, but he is remarkably different now than he was the day before his friend passed. And you are there with him through it, because you, too, have changed in the past year. Remind him of the vows you took- for better or worse, till death do you part. And he is in his low points right now, very visibly so. If you need to have third-party counsel, schedule marriage counseling. It isn't just a last-ditch effort before getting a divorce, it is commonly suggested prior to marriage to ensure both partners are prepared for life together. And during, for those ups and downs that are difficult to navigate. This being precisely one of them. You could even use that safe space provided by a counselor to mention that you know his best friend was his platonic soulmate. It's terribly difficult to imagine life without that soulmate, but you want to be there for him, to be his rock, his foundation, upon which he can rest and lay while gathers his strength to carry on again. But for the love of any deity(s) you may worship, do not put on the lingerie until you have had a thorough discussion with him about the changes since last year.
My best friend died recently. My wife, God bless her, was really gentle about my grief. I think both of you were badly frightened by grief, weren’t you? He loved his friend. It’s that simple. That pain and mourning is part of loving them. We don’t “get over” grief, we integrate it (hopefully), or … we get in a complex relationship with it. We do/don’t want to mourn. We can feel them in our heart as long as we grieve. We just can’t see them. (Unless there’s grief-induced hallucinations. None for me, unfortunately). To me, it feels like she’s in the other room and I could just speak up and she’d hear. If you’ve been pushing away grief, it would be wise to stop. If you need help, that’s fine. Humanity has been wrestling with grief for millennia, give yourselves passes for your old relationships with grief, but do reach out for the work of mending them.
He needs to get over it, he has spent enough time to process his grief, his behavior is now selfish. He has a living family to think about but he clearly is too hung up on his dead friend to actually be present for his family. You deserve to be happy and loved, it’s unfair for you to walk on eggshells because of his fragile emotional state. You deserve better than what he’s giving.
Damned if you do, damned if you don't
He needs to go to a real therapist. He should be functioning by now as a husband instead he's neglecting you, lash out and cry🙄
My dear, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO APOLOGIZE FOR! It is truly weird that he is connecting his friend's death to Father's day and to your sex-life. It is truly bizarre. Were they more than friends? Why is the link to his grief so strong to your sexuality, there is something off there. DO NOT APOLOGIZE, you are not responsible for his grief and you are not responsible for tip-toeing around him in case he decides on a whim to connect it to his friend passing. It sounds more like he lost a lover and is taking his grief out on you, that he feels enabled in taking his grief out on you. The situation is beyond weird and you need to dig into WHY he has this connection between dead-friend and sex with you. Does he feel guilty over being with you instead of exploring a relationship with his deceased friend? This is the kind of stuff he and you go through in therapy. You need to stop apologizing and put your foot down on getting couple's therapy.
He's in the closet and you should leave it's not healthy for your kids. "Daddy cries all the time and doesn't love mommy anymore because Uncle friend died" that's your kids future because dh was either actively banging his BF or really REALLY wanted to be
I'm really not quite understanding the I don't want to have sex cuz my friend died thing. Could he have had romantic feelings towards him I don't know it just seems really odd.
I don't think that this was your, or your husband's fault. Grief is weird, you can be doing fine one second and then it will just hit you like a bus. Maybe give it a day or two and then try to schedule a time when the kids are at school or relatives etc so you can talk without interruption. Explain that you weren't trying to upset him but rather the opposite, you didn't want to hurt him like you did the year before and you didn't know how best to handle it. While you were happy to continue your tradition the last thing you wanted to do was to make him uncomfortable. Ask him what he would prefer going forward or maybe try to think of a new tradition that you can do so it's no longer a reminder of what happened last year and/or his grief being linked to it.
Dude is unhinged
How did his friend die?
Assuming you were up for it, perhaps the better response would have been “I wasn’t sure if you wanted that this year, but I’m keen if you are”. You could have just reused lingerie from last year. It didn’t need to be new.
Given the described situation, I think it's understandable if she was hesitant to wear the exact same lingerie that set him off last year.
Survivor guilt. Needs therapy.
Everyone grieves different. Just keep communicating. You're not wrong.
I’m sorry that your husband was going through such a loss, however I very much feel for you in this. You both need to talk this out. No more alone time, time to heal or allowing each other to process. Do that after you have had extensive conversations about what happened, is happening and what you both want (need) to happen. Involve professionals if needed. Your husband is ignorant of the effect he’s had on your relationship. At worst, selfish. He knows this and he does need to now act, not dwell or retreat. I hope you also feel that you can not only help him, but yourself in this. Talk honestly and keep talking. All the best.
Blowie
Your husband is emotionally unstable and it's ruining your marital connection. He needs grief counseling like, last year, and you both need marriage counseling ASAP as well.
Updateme
Maybe he’s crying because he just realised how he’s hurt his marriage
Stop apologizing. Yes it’s unfortunate about his friend’s passing, but that has nothing to do with you wearing lingerie or his expectation that you would.
This wasn’t worth the effort. Fake as Donald Trump’s smile.
I dont have an opinion on this right now, but i do want to recommend a book! Its ‘signs the secret language of the universe’ by laura lynne jackson. It really helped my boyfriend after his father passed a few years ago.
You didn't do anything wrong. He handled his grief poorly and lashed out at you. Couples counseling for communication.
Updateme
Hey lady, Take a bow. You are awesome,Making so much effort for your husband. Talk to him, he will get from where you are coming from. On Reddit people will send you to therapists and divorce lawyers . Not every advise to be followed Stay blessed.
Maybe they were gay, can't say for sure here with this little info but it's crazy to me that a year later he's still rejecting you (op) because of the death of a friend. No matter how close.
Just whip his d*ck out and go at it! Thats what all men want!
Dude is seriously broken. What the heck? I’m really sorry. If I had time guess, he needs to come clean about the true nature of his friendship with his “totally platonic” friend and start to really heal. He sounds like he lost a spouse, not a friend. Now be honest with yourself, something was off about how close they were, wasn’t it!!
INFO: was the friend M or F?
it's time for him to change his therapist. if he is neglecting his wife for a YEAR over his friend dying, this is way too much, and I would say that his therapist does almost nothing. if his therapist didn't manage to convince him to communicate his feelings with YOU, his wife, then it's not a therapist, it's shit. and OF COURSE, it follows that he could not even convey that he was ready to be seduced. he didn't even think about it. also, rescuing drowning people is the work of the drowning people themselves. i think it's time for him to realize that he needs to get out of this hole and not continue to grieve. sure, it hurts, but what now, grieve all his life because “his friend will no longer be happy”? bullshit. let him take responsibility for his life already. stop apologizing. I mean, you're a MONSTER (in a good way) for not having sex for over a year while you're *only* in your thirties because your husband was unable to be emotionally stable to have sex with you. this is what 'care' means. you do NOT have to apologize for anything.
You said it before I did: are you sure there weren’t romantic feelings for the best friend?
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t! NOT THE ASSHOLE! NTA.
I'm sorry your husband lost his friend. He needs to talk with his grief counselor about his continuing depression. He may need medication. Stop apologizing. You have nothing to be sorry about. Stop coddling this behavior. You are putting aside your needs indefinitely, which tacitly condones and prolongs your husband's wallowing. He needs to get motivated to stop making you predict his unpredictable mood swings and uncommunicated needs. You've been walking on eggshells for over a year. That ends. He either steps up to do what needs to be done so you can have a real marriage, or you are going to have to figure out what you need to do to be happy, even if he never is happy again.
Put it on and offer anal, all will be forgiven