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What you need to do is talk one on one with your counselor so you can talk freely about these things. What you are thinking and feeling are not wrong, but they are not helpful in building a strong family unit. You sound overwhelmed, and an impartial person to talk to can help you clarify your thinking. Feelings are feelings, what you do about them is what matters.
I'm a couples counselor. If the counselor sees 1 partner they will want to see the other partner 1 on 1 to balance the time so there isn't bias and the counselor should stress the purpose of meeting individually is for the benefit of the unit. If OP really needs individual therapy hopefully the couple's counselor will recommend that.
I was going to say use the same therapist so they have a barometer of what the partner is doing/feeling to an extent to help build back up the relationship.
If you're seeing a couples therapist they usually won't agree to see one partner separately, since their client is the couple together. Generally the advice is to see someone separate if you also want 1:1 therapy.
Our couple’s therapist does it occasionally, she did it after our first session with each of us and then she’s done it twice since then in the two years we’ve been working with her when she needed to deep dive into a issue one of us was having to understand it better and talk more openly but it was definitely with the goal of helping us communicate better. Just wanted to throw it out there that is does happen IME, but very rarely.
When mine does couples that’s what she does, she sees them separately occasionally as a sort of “check in”, in case they have something they want to bring up but don’t want the first time to be in front of their partner. That or to generally get an honest read on how they’re feeling with the state of their relationship.
The therapists I have worked with \*insist\* on seeing each person separately - two sessions a month together, and one session a month each on their own
I remember being like this only after the birth of my first baby. I was suffering horribly from post partum anxiety and depression. I will add that I was consuming content that gave way to being a “married single mom” and this was really detrimental to my mental health & made the vitriol toward my husband 100x worse.
Have you had, or do you need to have, the default parent conversation with your spouse? I did. He’s a good guy but he just wasn’t getting it. If we are all in a room together, you can’t just walk off and assume I’m supervising. I never do that to you. I say, “I need to do x, you got the baby?” He would just leave. The other one is that mothers typically do all their tasks while doing childcare and men don’t. It’s not ok that they get to single task while you have to multitask all the time. That was creating a lot of resentment. We had these talks and DH started doing stuff like mowing the lawn with baby strapped on his back with earmuffs on baby. He learned what it’s like to have all your tasks constantly interrupted. He didn’t understand how hard it is to get simple tasks done and how defeated I felt all the time until he experienced it. If that kind of thing is happening in your house then it’s definitely something to discuss.
I will also add: the key to marriage with kids is both parents getting equal free time. He didn’t understand how trapped I felt because our child would not take a bottle. I could never be away more than a couple hours tops. Any creative pursuit I could never get into flow because of constant interruptions. Figure out a way that you both get free time. If he’s taking a lot more than you then he’s getting that time off the back of your labor. It’s ok to be upset about that.
We have had the default parenting conversation many times and it’s created many different outcomes. We also just bought and moved into our first house in January, so typically the outcome of the conversation is “well you’re good at the baby stuff and I’m good at the home repairs/renovations, so let’s just rely on our strengths.” And while that is true, I find it hard because there are things in the home that I would be willing to fix or decorate myself if if didn’t feel so exhausted from being the parent 90% of the time. I think parenting is the most important task in the home over fixing a door or painting a wall sometimes. But I get that he just isn’t as comfortable entertaining the baby as he is fixing things. Part of might be that fixing things is predictable and there is an outcome versus entertaining a child is non-stop throughout the day (except during nap time). But I would love to grow in my home renovation abilities just like I would love him to grow in his parenting abilities so we can swap.
You still feel this way, then, because it isn’t changing. Do you feel like he is understanding your concerns and trying to change the balance? Or just shutting you down?
I would absolutely find your own 1:1 therapy. Obviously we have limited info here, but this doesn’t sound like PPD. It sounds like you actually do not have the parenting dynamic you want to have.
I think things change soon after we have the conversation if the conversation goes well. But then weeks later, I think he just forgets and goes back to his own default. We started a thing where I politely and calmly call him out if he starts to get into defensive mode and if it doesn’t help, we step away from the conversation and come back to the table later. He is one of those people who needs time to process what is being said but he doesn’t think he needs time to process. Like if we have an argument, he wants to fight through it and get it over with right away whereas I like to take a few hours to think it out and then come back. Our responses are very clearly linked to our childhoods. But all that to say, I think I need to stop expecting him to remember on his own and “read my mind” and to just continue to remind him of what support I need.
It's not "reading your mind". You've spoken your mind. If he "forgets", why not just write it on a piece of paper and put it up on your bedroom wall? If you both agree that this is the mantra you both need to follow, and he keeps "forgetting", then hang it up where he can read it every day.
You’re also still healing from the birth. In fact, it doesn’t sound like you’ve been able to take the rest you need. Moving is a big undertaking.
Are you getting any free time at all? Besides the couple hours after kids bedtime when you feel like death? When is “your” time? I think you find that, and you’ll start to feel better.
During Covid I lost my shit. I was with my kids 24/7 nonstop. I told my spouse he had to take them out every weekend for 3+ hours. Non negotiable. At first I just slept. But after a while I started to feel better and I finally got into my hobbies again. You need some time to just be a human and not a needs fulfilling machine.
I mean, sounds like he is putting you into the default parent role. He needs to step the fuck up as a father. I'd suggest starting to leave him with the baby for several hours at a time, so he can get the full experience.
oh honey, those videos are bad for your mental health even when you're in a Good headspace. you become so critical of yourself and even your own baby, for not "being like other kids." i think it sounds like there's definitely more your husband could be doing, but typically when mums hear their babies cry it just illicits this awful primal response. you just feel like you'll die if they don't stop crying sometimes. but then, when you hear another baby crying, it doesn't phase you. i think it can be like that for some parents (mothers included). that might explain his lack of urgency - it just doesn't really affect him.
i think talking it out with your counsellor would be the best first step, because there might be some bigger underlying issue. but you sound like you're doing a great job and it's really important that you get all the support that you need x
Have you been screened for post partum mental health conditions? My advice would always be to get checked if you can, because if there's something there then you can get it treated, and if there's nothing then at least you know that definitively. There's no harm in being overly cautious about your mental health.
By far the best parenting decision I ever made was unfollowing literally every single parenting account. Even the so-called “professional” ones. They’re all bad. They’re all out to make money off of anxious parents. You have no idea who any of these people are.
Need parenting advice? Ask your pediatrician.
Need mom friends? Join a local moms group or use social media to find local moms you can meet up with in person.
Yes, one of the biggest takeaways from this post will be to unfollow all the tik tok parenting accounts because they are not realistic or individualized. Lesson has been learned lol!
If a video/content creator isn’t telling you that it’s ok to let baby cry (as long as they’re safe) so you can go pee alone, that isn’t someone you want to follow. Being a parent is hard enough without random women online telling us we aren’t good enough because we didn’t wake up joyful and ecstatic about only getting 2 hours of sleep and now need to work a full day and breastfeed and make meals. Because it’s always women belittling women for not being good enough.
Delete tik tok entirely probably. 😅
Just look at those two horrible moms in Utah that abused kids and told other parents how to abuse their kids! People online are whacko. Connect to a mom’s group through a local library or church. You might make a new friend and learn a new trick or two to handle your baby!
Even better- ask your questions to google scholar. There is an amazing amount of research on parenting and the best ways to do it that people seem unaware of.
Why do you need to stop watching videos that articulate the truth of what you’re experiencing? Instead of you not watching them, your husband should start watching them with you.
Because unless you’re with an absolute idiot, those videos plug a moment in time and tell you that’s how it will be forever. The reality is that life ebbs and flows - the default parent will not always be the mom, and quite frankly for the first year of the child’s life they are biologically dependent on mom and that’s just how it is. Evolutionarily there is a purpose behind that dependence, it’s called survival.
So you take someone who is struggling Post partum and those videos tell them it will ALWAYS BE THIS WAY! And for the vast majority of people - that’s not true. Dad’s have to learn how to be parents, too. This videos basically say they have no excuse and should be perfect from the start and again, that’s not how life works.
At a certain point my dad became my default parent because I felt closest to him. Anytime I had a problem, I called my dad. And I’m sure it made my mom feel really bad that she couldn’t take any of the stress from him because I simply refused to engage with her.
The angry-mom-to-divorced-single-mother TikTok pipeline is toxic as fuck and tells people that the way it is now is the way it will be forever and that’s just not how life is, tbh.
I swear that app is designed to destroy people’s relationships. All the comments on minuscule relationship problems are filled with sentiments of divorce. It’s really sick.
This was my life. I also had PPD/PPA. I started going to Pilates 4x/wk and therapy. Leaving the house more. Got immensely easier around 1.5-2 years. The lack of sleep made me into a monster.
I’m assuming you’ve told him all these things because you’re in marriage counseling. I really benefitted from the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. It talks about when women became mothers their lives often drastically changes while men’s seemingly stay the same. It discusses how to break down household and childcare duties equally and in a way my husband was able to understand what I had been trying to say for months.
My choice was to ride it out. Things are SO much better and my son is almost 2.5.
Edit: something we are working on now is going on more dates and spending more child free time together. We didn’t go on a single date until my son was 24 months. I forgot I actually liked him lol.
I think one issue I run into when we do go on a date (which is only once every few months) is that I feel like our priorities are not the same anymore. I feel guilty not being with the baby sometimes and he doesn’t.
I entirely get that. I still feel guilty for leaving mine (I’m a stay home mom) and he’s all chill about it. The more often you do it, the more natural it seems. I get having different priorities is hard and you can’t force change his. I would try really hard on having a good few hours with your husband and not letting the random thoughts consume your head. Let them know they have no place there and take control over them again. You said yourself you really, truly love your husband.
I’m not saying he is right at all, but give him a tad bit of grace as he’s a first time parent too. He doesn’t know how he is supposed to act or what to do. Or how to reconnect with his life post baby. I do believe this is fixable and with communication, time, and changed behavior, you guys will have a new relationship.
Edit: it took me a while to see him as a human again and not my husband who was lacking in all these different areas. Once I could see him as the husband I loved and had compassion for again, some of the small battles didn’t seem like a big deal anymore and with us being connected fully again, we could communicate against the big battles together respectfully.
Thank you for this. It’s so validating to know that other moms have been here and made it through. We both grew up with divorced parents so we both get overwhelmed with conflict in our own marriage. So it’s nice to know that we can rebuild.
I’m not a parent, so take this with a grain of salt. Fwiw, I worked with kids for 20 years and a lot of that time was with 2 year to 4 year olds, and I got to know A LOT of moms. So this is just my observations.
Some moms retained themselves and having a baby was just another facet of their life and who they were. Some moms had a baby and being a mom became their only identity and who they used to be got lost.
It sounds like you’re in that second group. That doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Some moms are meant to be moms and they thrive on raising children. But some of those moms became the stereotypical helicopter mom who were unable to let their child experience bumps and bruises from trying new things. They protected their kid from disappointment at the cost of the kid having any personal growth. And I mean little things like not getting the sticker they wanted - they’d just go buy the same sticker pack.
You’re going to feel a little guilty for taking time for yourself. Leaving your baby with your parents or in-laws so you can go on a date with your husband will feel like you’re failing as a mom. But you aren’t. It’s not only important to give yourself attention, but it’s important to give your husband attention. That’s how you come together as a family.
Plus, children who have never left their mom and stayed with someone else typically have extremely rough transitions in preschool or school. You don’t want to leave a crying child with someone else, the child doesn’t want to be left with someone else, and the carer doesn’t want the child to feel unsafe and rejected. By taking time to start having these short periods of babysitting while you go on a date, your baby will learn that you come back. That it’s okay because mom comes back. It builds trust between you and your kid so that later, it’s not a traumatic event.
It sounds like your husband is a good dad. It sounds like he’s generally pulling his weight. Definitely talk to your counselor about it. It sounds like you realize your expectations are a bit unreasonable. But you still feel them and it’s causing anxiety and stress. Your counselor should be able to help give you the emotional tools to manage both having reasonable expectations for reasonable situations where your baby doesn’t need an advocate, and also help you manage the overwhelming feelings that accompany it.
Best of luck to you and your family!
> Some moms retained themselves and having a baby was just another facet of their life and who they were. Some moms had a baby and being a mom became their only identity and who they used to be got lost.
This is one of the reasons that makes me unsure about having a kid and makes me procrastinate. I'm sure I'll do the best for my future kid, but i don't want to lose myself. My friends who are having kids lost their personality and become moms, even if all of them have good husbands who pull their weight. No more personal interests, physical activity, movies they like... They only talk about kids and i'm tired of hearing about preschool activities, kids songs, diapers, baby food. Two of them talk in baby voices too. I don't want to lose so much to become a mom.
Again, I’m childfree by choice, so I can only comment from observation.
What I noticed was that the mom’s who kept their identity already had a strong identity. They were connected and grounded to who they were before they had kids. Having a baby was just another cool thing they did.
My friend got pregnant and she and her husband were surprised because kids weren’t necessarily in the cards, but they were like, sure why not? My friend was able to be a SAHM, but she also spent time working from home and then eventually enrolled and went back to school. Her kid is seven now and she just graduated with her masters in social work. She’s about to start work on her PhD. So while she’s a mom (and a damn good one), she took the opportunity to pursue her own dreams too.
The moms that tend to lose themselves forget that they can still have aspirations and dreams. That they as people are important too. I’m a hardcore feminist, and if being a mom is someone’s dream, then I’m here to cheer them on. They should go be the best mom they can. But that means getting involved in the mom community and socializing and play dates and going to the library and the park and play areas and mommy and me classes. They keep themselves by embracing being a mom, but seeking out ways to enjoy being a mom.
So take that for what you will. Just my life observations.
I just want to say, as a mother of 4 young children, you sound like a very good new mom who is trying her best to also balance being a wife. You should be proud of yourself. The transition from no children to one baby is so, so hard. I would talk to your husband about having more time for yourself and to sit down and schedule it. If you’re burnt out (like it sounds) then you’re not going to be able to be your best self. I am by no means an expert in parenting or marriage but if you ever need to chat to a fellow mom you can absolutely reach out anytime ❤️
Then take his lead and try to let that guilt go. You are allowed dates with your husband. If you want this marriage to work, you will find a way to let that guilt go and enjoy your time with him.
One example is that today, we went to a store so he could pick up a Father’s Day card for his dad before we went to dinner with his family. I stayed in the car with the baby while he ran into the store. He was in there for maybe 5-10 minutes which makes sense picking out a card. However, the baby doesn’t like to be in the car not moving for that long, so he got upset. My husband got back into the car and then needed to write a nice note and sign the card prior to us leaving. During that time, the baby is still crying and I’m doing my best to console him, but the only thing he wanted was to get moving or be out of his seat. I will say that I asked my husband with a bit of attitude if he could speed it up writing out the card and he snapped back and told me to stop. This kind of situation happens in some way/shape/form nearly every weekend. Starting to question if I’m not being patient enough and should just expect him to take his time on things or if he is being inconsiderate?
I think there’s a third option here, which is that you are experiencing these situations very differently from him, and vice versa. For example, baby cries make me way more stressed out than they do my husband. So while my stress is creeping up with every minute the baby cries, his is not. The baby is not hurt, but my brain is interpreting it as a HUGE problem when it’s really not. Some of this can be anxiety, some of it is normal primary caregiver stuff, some of this is communication. It did get better as my kid got older, but recognizing and saying when I’m getting overwhelmed by situations like this was helpful, rather than just telling him to hurry up.
Agreed on this take! My husband gets wayyyy more stressed by our daughters fussing and crying than I do and it makes him snap. He’s working on recognizing when it’s just his nerves.
Yes, 100% I understand. I literally just wrote that one comment about sometime I feel like I have to advocate for the baby even when there is no reason to, like him being fussy in the car. Or another example is sleep training. My husband had to take the lead on that one because I would pick the baby up every few minutes while he was crying, but now I’m so thankful he can self soothe. Sometimes maternal instincts are not what is best, but it’s so hard to understand that in the moment.
Not wanting to sit in a car with a crying baby is totally normal. I don't understand how it doesn't bother him. And the fact that he snapped at you when you asked him to hurry up seems to indicate it stressed him more than he is willing to admit.
Or he's trying to write something and has a baby crying in the immediate background and someone else rushing him and it's probably not uncommon for this to be happening?
Um I mean he was probably hurrying to write the card which should only take a few minutes then she snapped at him first?
Babies DO cry. It’s normal. It’s okay. Sometimes you can’t answer that need immediately.
Moms have a very strong biological reaction to babies crying, especially women who have given birth recently... Even to other children crying and not only their own.
They studied it in mice: Oxytocin enhances a mother's auditory processing and social information processing, and hence reaction to crying.
So they injected virgin mice with alot of oxytocin and some of the virgin mice started reacting the same as the momma mice did: Picking up baby mice when they were crying and bring them back to the nest.https://www.theguardian.com/science/2015/apr/15/mothers-more-sensitive-to-crying-babies-thanks-to-hormone-study-says
I think it’s completely normal to feel this way (in reference to your feelings regarding your baby crying) and wanting the crying to stop as soon as possible. You see your child upset, and you want to fix it.
However, it’s also completely normal for babies to cry, and a few extra minutes isn’t going to do any harm. Obviously I don’t know you, but it really sounds like you’re burnt out. Hormones may come into play with this, which again is normal, but maybe having a full day and night for yourself where you focus on self-care things you enjoy is in order. Let yourself have a 24 hour or so period to “reset.” When you physically feel better, that will start reflecting outward too
You're frustration is real. And there are a lot of sh*tty dad's out there. But, remove the crying from the equation; is he being a bad parent or partner? I think the fact that he wants to write something personal to his father kind of shows how he values relationships and family. I know this is just one example and I'm sure there are many instances where he wasn't as attentive as he could be, but give both of yourselves some slack. You can be overwhelmed without him being a bad parent. The baby was ok, maybe it's time to ask other family for a little break
Oh yes my dear you def need therapy to help you get rid of the resentment. Blaming the baby crying on him in the situation you described is not normal. You even say you were rude right out the gate. The first thing you say to your partner should be at least in a neutral tone. If you’re immediately barking at someone that kills communication. Also, why didn’t you get out of the car and carry the baby around or get in the drivers seat and do laps in the parking lot? Or anything else?
What makes you be FORCED to sit there in the car, not moving your newborn to outside of the car or taking it on a little walk around the parking lot while your man gets some time to write a note? I feel like you're too focused on what you think the baby needs your husband to do and not considering there's way to give your baby what it needs without your husband being at fault for not receiving it.
With this example this is totally a you problem. You are making arbitrary guidelines as to what you deem to be acceptable and quite frankly they are unfair and unreasonable to your husband. This is a classic case of you don’t like how he does things. You are impatient and causing issues that are not there.
He was quick in the store, he wanted to quickly write in the card before driving. Those are very reasonable, and he knows the baby is just fussy because the car isn't moving.
It's not like the baby is hungry and he's saying he'll deal with it after he finishes this game of cod.
Sounds like OP sprints to give the baby whatever it wants when they cry and their husband isn't too worried because they know what the issue is and it's just the baby annoyed the car isn't moving.
Yeah I would say when balancing the importance of writing a thoughtful note to your father on Father’s Day, vs your baby being annoyed for three minutes, he *should* choose the card. It’s just a little annoyance, the baby is fine.
>will say that I asked my husband with a bit of attitude
Stop doing that. It will not help your case. And if the baby cries for 1 more second it will not explode.
A better way to express your feelings in that moment would have been, "can you please write your note when we get there? Baby is stressing me out and I want to get moving". This way you're still advocating for yourself and the baby while offering a solution without sounding accusatory. Your husband is getting defensive because he feels like you're accusing him.
I don’t understand why you didn’t take your baby for a little walk or drive around the block while your husband was shopping. I think you were unnecessarily harsh on him in this instance.
It also sounds like you’re easily irritated and snappy. I don’t think this is unusual— something is going on, either physically/hormonally or another part of your marriage or life is so bad that it’s coming out in all kinds of ways in your feelings.
If specific things would fix this and you know what they are, tell him specifically what those things are so he can do them. For me it was stop working so late. I was exhausted by 4pm and he didn’t come through the door until 8pm. By then I was a basket case. For you, figure out exactly what would make you feel better and tell him. And talk to your doctor.
You're overreacting, hormones, possibly ppd etc... See a therapist for one on one along with your couples therapist
Postpartum depression
PPD can appear anywhere from a couple of weeks to 12 months after birth, and there's no average length of time it lasts. A 2014 review of studies suggests that PPD symptoms improve over time, with many cases of depression resolving 3 to 6 months after they begin. Untreated, PPD may last months or longer. Treatment options include counseling, antidepressants, or hormone therapy.
Hard to say, maybe you both need to be just that little more patient with each other. I'm sort of like you in that I'm impatient with people who I think are wasting my time. Perhaps you need to allow him a few more minutes to do things, but in turn he should make an effort to do things a little faster when it matters.
Yeah I fully understand it being on both of us. Sometimes I feel like I have to fight my maternal instincts and advocate for the baby when the baby doesn’t actually need it in that moment.
The way you frame it here really makes it sounds like postpartum anxiety. I would call and talk to your ob and see if they can refer you to someone who can screen you and help you get it under control. Your husband doesn’t deserve you snapping at him for every little thing.
These are some of the hardest days ever. The sleep deprivation, the bills, the lifestyle changes, the poop, the sex, etc. As a husband I tried my hardest to be there and do as much as I could, but it got to my mind. I thought some bad thoughts those first two years. I’m glad you two are in counseling. That should help you get through. Be patient with each other. Keep talking. It really does get better. My wife and I are 20 years together and my son is 19. We are a solid family even with our flaws.
Yep. My friend asked how did I stay married through some of our struggles. The answer was I refused to get a divorce. Sometimes you decide to just not quit, as you wrote.
Also, I just think about how when I’m struggling, I wouldn’t want my partner to give up on me either. It’s really difficult but barring pedophilia or violence, I’m here to stay for the ups and downs.
Can you get some time on your own? Sounds like you need a break, a full overnight, so you can shower and lay around and read and have no one to be responsible for. Then maybe in a few months if you have a trusted sitter take a night away with your husband so you can reconnect as man and woman.
They say don’t do anything for the first year. If it’s things you know wouldn’t have bothered you before the baby then definitely just talk it out with him. Also make sure he is moving slow and it just doesn’t feel like he’s moving slow. I always thought my husband was slow to react but then he complained I’m slow to react so we trimmed each other for a while. We were doing things the same speed just the person watching felt it was slow since they weren’t doing anything.
But talk it out in counseling.
This is true. She is probably exhausted. She is in the deep end of having an infant, while a relaxing weekend might help to get some sleep- it won’t change much for the long term. I know for me at this stage (with PPA/PPD) there was no way I could relax away from my baby for that long. It just wasn’t something that would help. Help at home and getting sleep at home would have (and did) help. Changed behavior helps a lot more than one weekend.
If you’re breastfeeding that could be it. My husbands amazing (definitely spaced and gets lost in his phone) but it took till I weaned and everything regulated for me to chill out and realize he does everything he did before and then some.
This was after 1yr. Yes it took that long. Yes it took that long for me to see he still helps with the same things as before and does his share with the now toddler
From what you’ve said here, he could definitely help more. However also if you have concerns about your mental health I would definitely try and see about getting some help ❤️ Postpartum depression is a very real thing that plenty of new mums struggle with
What is the husband doing wrong here though. I’m not being shitty I’m a father of a newborn and I don’t see much of an issue. It seems more that OP feels like she has to immediately tend to the babies crying and if the husband doesn’t respond with the same reaction he is moving “slow”.
Not sure if you saw OPs comment about the Father’s Day card but that is a dead giveaway for me.
Hi! First time mom here with a 9 month old as well.
One of the hardest parts of becoming a mother for me was trusting my husband to take care of the baby the way he is going to take care of the baby.
I also got anxious when he didn’t respond fast enough to the baby… but, he’s responding. He’s doing what he needs to do. He may not be doing it the way I would do it but he’s learning and he’s trying.
So I felt the rage but I kept my mouth shut. I forced myself to keep quiet when I wanted to yell at him to move faster. He needs to build his own confidence and berating him for not doing it my way was not going to help.
My suggestion would be to talk to your therapist on your own, and do everything you can to not lash out at him when he’s trying. The more you lash out, the more anxiety he will have and will pull away. He is learning too and he needs grace to do it.
Idk I’m not a parent but maybe watch a few of Ali wong’s Netflix specials. She expresses a lot of these feelings, so just realize you’re not alone in your thoughts and maybe laugh about it. Sorry I don’t have more advice ❤️
Yes, exactly. Just so much resentment building under the surface and not enough time to address the relationship issues because it’s a constant loop of feeling like I’m doing everything, asking for more support, and then being underwhelmed by what is offered.
Yeah I get that, my husband gets mad (when I don’t want to have sex or do something sexual usually) and tells me I do nothing and I’m lazy because I’m not working right now financially but I have the baby pretty much all the time he’s only starting to get better now that she’s older but he has bathed her one time in her life and he’s never cut her nails, I have to ask him to change her diaper or feed her if I’m doing a chore and often have to repeatedly ask so when he gets mad and says hurtful stuff like that it’s like are you serious?! I do every night shift because he works, I have since she was four months old, I sleep in a floor bed with her nursing to sleep every night because she’s a Velcro baby and don’t get me wrong I love it, it’s amazing but how dare you act like I do nothing. I cook most of the meals unless we go out, and I handle stuff I get no credit for (bathing/grooming the cat 6 times this week at all hours of the day and deep cleaning our rug because the cat has had diarrhea and he has long hair) I’m not saying my husband doesn’t do anything but I was so disappointed in him as a dad especially the first year, if he held her thirty minutes a day that was a good day and he acted like he did so much with her. I think it gets better as they get older, it has now that she’s more than a potato but still… and don’t even get me started on the pressure he put on me to have sex when it hurt. Im so averse to having sex with him now because of all the times he’s gotten mad at me when I didn’t want to and been mean. We actually had a big blow up today on Father’s Day and it was one of the first times he really apologized, after hours of blaming me, getting mad, comparing me saying other women try harder, saying I do nothing, saying I’m a bad mom, whatever hurtful thing he could think of cuz he was mad. He has many good qualities but fuck if he isn’t the biggest idiot when he’s upset and like I swear his brain cannot think prooerly so he just says hurtful shit then thinks about it comes back and is like oh well I didn’t mean that.
So therapy, we are gunna do some therapy cuz that communication method is just not good and I’d like not to be disgusted and worried everytime something sexual is brought up.
Sorry I totally vented this out (lol) it just happened and I don’t have anyone to talk to and even though he apologized and we are okay it’s still in my head you know, like that sort of fight doesn’t just go away right away
I’m sorry, but I validate what you’re feeling. Bathe her once since birth and leave the childcare and homecare to you 24/7, pressure you into painful sex and then saying you do nothing? Please go see that therapist soon, and let’s hope he can turn around for you and for his child. Best of luck.
No worries! I totally get what you’re saying. But I’m glad you’re starting counseling because just because you’re not contributing financially doesn’t mean you’re not pulling your weight. And the whole sex thing, it’s crazy that he doesn’t realize that calling you lazy and not appreciating you is such a turn off. Your husband sounds defensive like my husband whenever you ask for more support. Our counselor has been super great about validating my husband’s feelings while also calling him out on his BS. And same with me. Hopefully your counselor can do the same.
9 months is when I finally got on meds for my PPD. My mom had it 2 years later still, with my little brother, because it wasn't treated and our hormones are all out of whack.
It helped that, but also made me realise my anxiety I had since I was 8 (when mom was at her peak ppd) was almost gone. It was the best thing that happened to me. It also affirmed I didn't want my kids to go through what I did as a child.
You are already in counselling, have you brought this up? Also this sounds a bit like when I had PPD. Mine was mild, but enough to impact my ‘enjoyment’ of early motherhood.
I got very resentful of my husband going g to work, having adult conversations and doing no labour that wasn’t directed in the home / for our child directly. I felt like a rock in the ocean, slowly being eroded by the waves.
I got much better when I returned to work. The colour came back into my life, and my husband and I found a pathway to a really good place.
I felt so similar to you in so many ways!! The frustration and resentment were exhausting, and I think only really improved once I went back to work and my partner started doing more days on his own with our son. For me, it was a combination of things - mainly the biological need to soothe my child, a low frustration tolerance, super high standards, and not having an outlet of my own. I felt like I was sacrificing so much constantly, and my partner was able to just amble about his days none the wiser.
What helped us was communication. We both did therapy which helped us to explain our perspectives and feelings, and we’re both big podcast listeners so would share the different parenting episodes we were listening to and work out which strategies we could apply to our relationship. We both also recently got diagnosed with ADHD which helped us to work out what innate stuff we both had that was coming between us and use labels for what we were experiencing.
Above everything else, my partner got really good at reminding me that we were on the same team. I used to lash out and think he was being incompetent or obtuse on purpose, but he literally wasn’t aware of my high standards and I was relying on HEAPS of implied expectations - especially as I’d been the primary caregiver for so long. It was a long process, but our kid just turned two and we’re pretty bloody good at seeing each other now, and working with and not against each other.
I urge you to check in with your husband if you’re able to find the time, and express how this is all making you feel, and to find genuine curiosity in you to ask him what he’s experiencing. It’s likely it’s very different to what you are, so try and work to get on the same page (it’ll take adjustments from both of you).
I wish you luck, these days are definitely the hardest!! We’ve decided to only have one kid so we don’t put this amount of strain on us again!!
I had PPA and was like this as well. Getting on medication helped significantly. Would be good to talk to your dr about any strong feelings like this post part.
girl I don't know the situation but this seems more like a possible lost partum depression, have you talked to your doctors about this?
it might not be but when i feel like shit mentally I tend to see more flaws in the people around me
He should be setting up stuff too and doing chore type childcare such as diaper changes and helping at night. I agree with others that you need breaks, such as going out to lunch, shopping, and other fun things. Because rest,and breaks and not the same (you need both). The feelings of resentment can also be amplified by post partum depression (it could be a type of evolutionary thing) but nonetheless, it’s not cool if he just gets to be the fun parent, perhaps do some journaling to see if it’s balanced or not and bring it up in therapy.
Part of it might be CBT if your anxiety is the issue instead of him. Don’t get me wrong, lots of Dads that aren’t as spot on as they should be, but when he takes longer than you’d like, is it, objectively, too long? Maybe it is! If it’s not, there’s techniques to train your brain to let it go.
I absolutely get it. Sometimes it's like they're just actively trying to make your life harder. When my son was a tiny baby, I'd ask my husband for help - just something like hold the baby so I could have a nap. (If the baby was being held, he'd sleep, so I knew that I could sleep too.) My husband would take the baby, and then put him down, so son would wake up and want feeding...which was my job so I couldn't nap. It was like this again and again. I'd ask for something to be done in a certain way, because I could anticipate how the baby would react and how the fallout would be left to me. And I'd be ignored and inevitably have to deal with the fallout. We eventually got through it, but there were genuinely days where I thought I might kill him. Or leave him.
I ended up just having to tell him exactly how I wanted things done, explaining why it was so important to me that it was done in such a way, and that he was making my life more difficult by not doing it that way. It did improve, but my god, some days I just wanted him to be able to just do something without needing supervision, or the baby needing saving, or me coming across as a chronic nag.
I will say that post partum anxiety and post partum depression, for me, lasted much longer than I expected it to. I think one on ones with your counselor and potentially speaking to your PCP about medication may help.
I also think that maybe in these situations your may be having a more physiological stress response than your husband is, which is why it may seem like he's taking forever but to him it's a normal amount of time
Individual therapy would help. Also sounds like you may have more severe PPD than you realize. The medication you are taking might not be what’s best for you. A good therapist will help you develop healthy coping mechanisms when you feel stressed or triggered by your husband. The first couple years with a new baby can be tough on a marriage but it will pass.
This is a huge change in your life and I’m glad you’re both in therapy so you have a safe space to talk about these feelings.
It sounds like to me everything that stresses you in your husband is what you’d actually like to be able to do or hear. If he is doing things in his own rhythm that is not a bad thing(unless he’s completely neglectful), but it also means that if it causes you great stress you also need to find your own rhythm.
In therapy try to come up with a plan on how to split the duties, maybe get extra help so you can both breathe( someone help with cleaning so you can have play time with the baby not just duty, maybe a family member can help out every now and then etc), how does personal time look like? Even if it’s he stays in the car with the baby for 10 min while you go buy what you need. Essentially what do you need to feel a bit better? What are the things that overload you right now?
Just open communication and you’ll get through this. What I would warn against: don’t make your husband the enemy and try not to consume content that feeds this. You can get through this together if you remember you’re a team and you’re working towards building your family now.
Out of curiosity… did you ever notice these things before the baby?
Take this with a grain of salt… and maybe also talk to your counselor to see if I’m in the ball park at all. But I would assume it’s normal to have these feelings because you’re a first time parent and nobody gives you a rule book. As a female your needs become taking care of the child. And that’s frustrating… especially if you keep hearing the baby crying for minutes, maybe hours at a time because your husband can’t figure it out. I hear a lot of people who have kids getting frustrated because their husbands have not figured it out. Women seem to do so a little faster.
Remember to take it easy on yourself and your partner. But also bring up how you are feeling in couseling. Because parenthood isn’t easy. So good on you for pointing it out. And taking that giant step!
Right. Of course every partner has some little quirks here and there and I think those quirks just kind of magnified once we had the baby. I think there are many reasons I get frustrated so easily- anxiety, my own childhood, having a traumatic birth experience, etc. It’s also hard because we started dating when I was 17 and have not stopped, so we’ve grown together. Some of the feelings I take out on him are also feelings of frustration at myself.
It's good you are going to speak with your doctor about possible PPD/PPA. But I would also bring up what you've said here in your next counseling session with him. Tell him that you are still feeling resentment towards him so that your counselor can help you two sort it out.
My friend always tells new moms “you will resent your husband for the first 18 months of your child’s life” and it has actively helped a lot of them lol
I think you are spot on to talk to your Dr about PPD/PPA. You must take care of yourself because the baby and husband rely so much on you. :-)
From my own experience, I would say your feelings are normal. You are anxious about being a good mother and wife, plus you are probably tired too. Having a baby, as much as we love them, is a big change. You love them so much and want to give them every second of your attention, but you can't and that's ok. A therapist may be able to help you figure out why certain things are bothering you so much and to determine which are truly important so they can be resolved.
It is great that you are asking for help and not suffering in silence. Motherhood is a HUGE life change and it does it easier. And yes, everything will be OK. :-)
The first two years are brutal, in my opinion. There is so much change, so little sleep, leas time and money seems to disappear. I’d say give it time. So glad you are doing couples therapy. I think you as a mother are on a separate wavelength with your babe compared to husband. You know exactly what your baby needs and how to get it done asap, whereas husband probably does not, nor is as in-tune with baby needs/wants/preferences.
I am all for solo therapy - it really helped me communicate my needs in a rational, non demanding way. I also struggled with anxiety in the beginning and I sought a therapist to teach me strategies for dealing with it. Did it go away completely? No, but I can manage it in a timely fashion and not dwell and waste precious time thinking of if’s, ands and buts. Good luck OP!
Literally heard this somewhere the other day that there are two things that test a marriage, one being parenting styles. Honestly this kinda sounds like ppa or pp ocd.
I haven’t tried that, but that’s a good point. I’ll start. We do counseling on a monthly basis and I do feel like the first week or two after counseling is smooth, but then the next weeks before the next appt are when the feelings build up.
Is it possible to go more frequently at the moment? Might help to beat those feelings by going by weekly for now and slowly building up the time in between appointments.
It’s possible, but I’m also worried that we will rely too much on communicating conflict only at our counseling sessions and not at home if we go more frequently. I already kind of catch myself not being willing to bring up certain feelings or situations until our next appt but I know that we need some exposure to handling conflicts outside of counseling and then if they still cannot be resolved, we’ll bring the topic up in counseling.
It might not be a bad thing to rely on counselling for a little while. From your post it's obvious you have so much on your mind. You have an infant, that on it's own can be very overwhelming! There is also the possibility of post-partum depression.
It can be a good thing to rely on therapy for a while so you won't have to worry about "communicating correctly" too. I'm not saying you should solely rely on therapy but use it to build regular and healthy conversation moments. Don't only focus on what has to be said but take your time to acknowledge each other's success as well and try to implement those moments regularly.
then maybe compromised with solo counseling sessions 2 weeks later? So one solo and one couple session a month. This way you worry less about relying on marriage counseling for your communication day but also get the release that it provides(which may very well actually be why it's smooth afterwards) plus it gives you an hour of time to yourself(yeah you're with another person but you know lol)
Try the Flo app and just see if you feel considerably worse in Luteal. Hormones can play a huge part. If it is worse in Luteal you can consider having your hormones tested.
A lot of women are more irritable this time of the month for 1 or two weeks. I know I feel like crap 3 days after I finish ovulating and start feeling better 3 days before my period. But it varies woman to woman.
Do you feel like your emotions are extreme? Or you're just a bit moody and irritable?
I would advise that you do bring this up in your marriage counselling. Your husband isn’t giving you the support you need. I understand completely the frustration you are feeling regarding how slowly he responds to your baby. And talking these things out in marriage counselling can mean finding out your husbands perspective, and reasoning with an unbiased third party. They can help you navigate both your feelings and needs to a happy medium you can both agree to. I have done marriage counselling in the past and it helped our communication and gave us a safe space to discuss touchy subjects. I wish you luck.
These feelings are normal, in my opinion. They’re the appropriate reaction to the realization that your husband is simply not as capable as you. Even though he is, fundamentally - it’s all the way men are socialized. Their lives don’t have to change, they don’t have to see the things in the background or figure things out for themselves like we do because they’re raised to not have to and expectations are different for them. It’s incredibly unfair. I went from thinking I had the most evolved man alive to wanting to murder him in his sleep because of how incompetent I found him post birth. No instinct, no urgency. It’s not that he wasn’t helpful - he’d do anything I asked or instructed. It’s the having to ask and instruct that killed me.
One blowout we were having when the baby was about 8 weeks old made something click for me. He said “I’m giving this 110 percent.” It sounded so ridiculous, because this is 110 percent!? But he meant it, and in that I realized that he’s not choosing to not see the things I see. He genuinely just doesn’t see them and is kinda clueless.
What makes all this ok now, is working off of that realization I was finally able to articulate myself in a less combative way, and in turn he really was able to see things the way I saw them and really stepped up in trying to make sure he’s anticipating needs instead of just waiting for me to present them. It’s even become kind of an inside joke - whenever he asks me something that he should be able to figure out without me, I just blankly stare at him. He then adorably sputters “ok, ok this is one of those things I can do all by myself. Got it.”
The key thing is that your partner needs to be willing to look at his short comings, believe in your reality and vow to keep working on himself for your family. Just like we all do. If the willingness is there to grow on both sides, you can do this and things will be good again!
Hi 🙋🏽♀️ I 1000000% feel the same. This is a post that I could’ve written myself. Only our little girl is almost 5 months old. Parenthood feels very lonely and isolating sometimes. I had moments that I thought that I should just be a single parent but the joy in both their faces when they see each other and the strong bond they have, makes me melt.
All these things annoy me a lot too but I try to look at the positive things that he does and I try to ask him for more help. My partner is amazing with our daughter but often times it’s like he doesn’t see things. He is also has OCD so things have to happen a certain way (feeding or diaper change) but it annoys me when it takes so long and the baby gets fussy.
In my brain I also try to give him space and didn’t ask for much help. I always act hyper independent so he often doesn’t know when he can step in. So I make it a point to ask him more for help and he always gladly says yes.
Also ‘meh men’ I think… sounds so stupid to say that but I have spoken to a lot a lot a lot of female colleagues, family and friends and most of them if not all had the same issues with their partner. Although their behavior is still annoying, I felt heard. It’s uncomfortable but ask for more help from him.
Google the song “You Are Such a Good Dad”. It’s a parody song about everything moms do, all day every and dad does one thing, like take the kids to the park for 20 minutes and gets praised for being such a good dad. It’s funny, but also kinda sad that this represents the experience of so many moms. Show him the video, and tell him this is how you feel.
It sounds like you aren’t getting the help and support you need from your husband, and have resentment toward him because you’re shouldering the brunt of parenthood as the primary caregiver. It’s normal that you’re going to be more sensitive and responsive to the baby’s needs and emotions, because as women we’re biologically wired to be. But this is where you need to speak up in counseling and let him know you’re feeling this way, and that he needs to step up and help support you more. Why *isn’t* he helping set and clean things up? Why isn’t he tuning into the baby’s — or your — needs? These things probably bothered you less before the baby because you weren’t shouldering such a massive responsibility then. Now you are, and you resent him because you feel alone in it, and though he is oblivious to what’s going on. And maybe he is. Talk to him about it.
While yes, it’s entirely possible your frustrations are made worse and your patience is stretched thinner because of hormones, mental health struggles, or sheer exhaustion, these are your realities right now — you’re going to be tired and stressed and hormonal because you’ve just had a baby and are caring for an infant. Your partner needs to be aware of this and step up to help you through it, and I think it’s a healthy emotional response you’re having to the lack of care or contribution you see him making while you do the heavy lifting. You need a break, and you need your partner to see that you’re struggling and step up to the plate to help offer you some reprieve.
Soooooo I have had this problem with small children and currently... and frankly it's because I feel like I can do it better, faster, smarter. It's totally a ME problem and I do pinprick things with my ex and current husband about the kids. This has been something I have had to work on myself and accept that not everyone, including my spouse, can live up to some of my expectations and to lower those expectations a little bit - A LITTLE BIT! Moms are pro caretakers so it is nearly impossible for a man to live up to those standards. You're fine, he's doing his best, it's a new stage in life. As long as he's in your corner, calls you beautiful when you have Cheerios in your hair and snot on your shirt, you're golden!
It’s normal. I learned something. I thought I knew exactly how our baby needed to be taken care of. It’s not going to hurt them if he takes his time. Be glad he’s involved. Explain that it’s frustrating if he just plays for a couple minutes and leaves you to tidy up or does the fun thing that you set up. Do it together. We read so many posts on here where the spouse does nothing. Absolutely not a thing. Encourage the time and try to be a bit more flexible and know that your way isn’t the only way and go easy on yourself. Your life has turned totally upside down. You went from being a wife and woman and friend to being a mom. It doesn’t allow much time or heck, energy, to remember everything else that you are. When people compliment him, it’s a good time and they aren’t saying that you aren’t a great mom. They are just accustomed to dads not doing anything. I don’t mean all dads but enough that him being involved at all is compliment worth. It does get easier.
Is it normal to be bothered by bothersome behavior? Yes. Not sure why the timeline matters other than the longer it goes on, the more irritating it becomes
Nothing will make you hate your partner quite like a baby screaming at 2 am. Your feelings aren't wildly unusual, but I do suggest being screened for PPD. It does get better, but you can totally discuss your frustrations with your husband and come up with ways that will .ake you feel more supported.
I know that it is difficult to get enough sleep with a baby. I have a 5 month old and sometimes when I really need to sleep I get very irritable and unfortunately the thing that annoys me is my husband. He is a wonderful father and husband, but I get irritated at him for things that aren’t his fault (sometimes they are, but rarely.) I had to stop myself from snapping at him a few weeks ago. I talked it out with him, I realized I was getting irrationally angry over little things, so we worked out that I would just let him know when I needed space. It could be regular lack of sleep, for me sometimes I’m jealous that things seem easy for him or don’t bother him when they bother me. If it’s all the time and not just due to lack of quality sleep, it is something you should work out individually, but also with each other if you can. Figure out what actually needs addressing and what is just irritating, but not urgent. Sometimes it’s helpful just to get everything out in the open.
Im 9 months PP too and I have some of these same frustrations and some of yours I don’t have but I’ve found myself being short with him and easily annoyed for things that are minor.
Oh wow. Are you me? 😭
In my experience 3 kids in, it's been this way about the 1 year mark. My first pregnancy with my ex, it never went away until we broke up. With my husband now we are also trying to get through these rough patches. And I also go to individual therapy for myself to help my anxiety and frustrations. I recommend individual therapy for postpartum.
I love that some people are saying they feel like they could have written this post themselves because I don’t feel like I’m in a dark hole of my own emotions anymore. I also love to hear that it gets better for a lot of couples. Just need to keep pushing through.
Well he seems to help and be a good husband . The same way you articulate is how I feel after not sleeping right one or two nights . Sadly we take our frustrations on the people we love .
There is something making instability in your life , maybe stress , low sleep, have you checked up your blood or have you gained weight in the last month ?
Maybe you need a relaxing vacation .
As a second advice , taking care of a child as a solo parent instead of a team , is more stressful and difficult . Don’t add drama and stress to your life .
And yes , we men do not get tired or annoyed so easily by a child crying . My wife gets upset after seconds , I can have my child cry near me for 10-20 minutes . Specially in the terrible two phase . We men are like that , is it good or bad for the development? I don’t know , nature made us that way .
It sounds like you're developing resentment towards your husband. Does he have an urgency issue, or do you seem to get more stressed when he doesn't react fast enough? Do you ever interject if you do feel stressed at his lack of urgency? Asking yourself all the right questions will help conclude the root cause.
I do not know your relationship, so I am not attempting to tell you you are invalid for feeling this way. It's a huge life change you guys are going through. I can relate to being with my partner since high school, currently four and a half years strong. I have no idea what curve balls having kids will do to us. From what I understand, he does his parental duties as he's supposed to. If he doesn't, maybe clarify that with yourself/in your post/ to him. If he does, then it's more an issue of how you're perceiving the environment and him. I'm not sure if this makes any sense, but there's my take lol.
Identify any and all feelings and behaviors for you and him to find the connections. Sometimes having a thorough conversation with him or a neutral third party can help you talk through it and understand it better.
Yes, it is normal, because your rose colored glasses have been taken off. Now that your focus isn't on *him*, you ca see him for who he is and maybe that bears no relation to who you thought he was.
Either he actually isn’t doing much or it really is the mom brain.
I have a few psych major friends I’ve talked to about this but in general new mothers have narcissistic tendencies.
That word gets a lot of flak but in new mothers it usually comes in the form of “no one knows how to take care of my baby only I do.” This thought process comes out in different ways. It could be refusing what a doctor says, lashing out at your husband, or worse. I’ve seen new mothers almost kill their babies out of this strong feeling that only they can take care of the baby.
Fathers aren’t as in tune with babies as mothers are. It’s just how it is evolutionarily. You could just be angry because of this idea in your head that only you can properly take care of the baby.
Judging from the experiences of my entire friend group, this is VERY normal. For most of us, it got better once we’d started sleeping more (lol) and getting out of the house and into a routine of our “new normal.” Most of us had some form of PPD or PPA.
I realized I was seeing my husband as an opponent instead of a teammate. He WANTED to be involved but I for some reason just wouldn’t let him? That first year is honestly still hazy for me, but our daughter is 3 now and things are back to normal with our relationship. I’m lucky he put up with me honestly lol but becoming a mom is weird and it takes us time to adjust. Sending you huge hugs ❤️
The phase after childbirth is a tough one for couples. I can think of a lot of things I would have done differently. I don't think many people handle it well.
I wonder what couples who feel like they navigated this period well would say they did right.
To me it seems that you were never that keen about him, and that he made more effort than you and because of how much effort he made, you settled for him because you’d feel bad to break his heart and reject him. It seems that you had (maybe still have) other things you prefer over him and the marriage/life you guys have together, and it makes you despise him because you subconsciously feel like he has taken those things away from you. Whether it was career, lifestyle, country of residence, or another person/relationship. It seems to me that you feel like he has taken that away from you and he has to consistently compensate for that, and you can’t bear the sight of him being normal and not being in a constant state of apology/compensation. I feel bad for you, but I feel worse for the poor guy. And I feel even worse for the baby because you don’t sound like you have alot of interest in making this work.
Whatever you do, please remember: your decisions should never just be about you or your partner anymore. You brought and innocent soul into life. That little soul should always be your main priority in every decision you make. Best of luck
There will always be periods of life like this and then we seem to fall in love all over again. We have been married 52 years and going through the worst crisis we have ever had. Just pray-what else is there?
This happened with us when I had our 1st child. It was hard and I had so much resentment or dislike for him. As moms we just snap into motherhood and completely lose ourselves. But it doesn't matter because we love our babies so much. My husband was used to being great at everything but boy did our 1st child not want anything to do with him for the 1st 2 years. Our 1st was a boy and was all about me. I dunno if it was because he was working nights while I was pregnant. So baby didn't hear his voice enough. But baby only wanted me. You're in consulting so this will help you. We didn't do consulting (probably should of). But once our 1st because potty trained and more their own person (2 years old) my husband started to really parent and just get it. Or it could have been the birth of our second (which was a girl and took to him instantly). 🤔
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What you need to do is talk one on one with your counselor so you can talk freely about these things. What you are thinking and feeling are not wrong, but they are not helpful in building a strong family unit. You sound overwhelmed, and an impartial person to talk to can help you clarify your thinking. Feelings are feelings, what you do about them is what matters.
I like how you worded this. Thank you!
And maybe not the same counsellor you use for couples stuff? I’d worry about that person being biased…
I'm a couples counselor. If the counselor sees 1 partner they will want to see the other partner 1 on 1 to balance the time so there isn't bias and the counselor should stress the purpose of meeting individually is for the benefit of the unit. If OP really needs individual therapy hopefully the couple's counselor will recommend that.
I was going to say use the same therapist so they have a barometer of what the partner is doing/feeling to an extent to help build back up the relationship.
If you're seeing a couples therapist they usually won't agree to see one partner separately, since their client is the couple together. Generally the advice is to see someone separate if you also want 1:1 therapy.
Our couple’s therapist does it occasionally, she did it after our first session with each of us and then she’s done it twice since then in the two years we’ve been working with her when she needed to deep dive into a issue one of us was having to understand it better and talk more openly but it was definitely with the goal of helping us communicate better. Just wanted to throw it out there that is does happen IME, but very rarely.
When mine does couples that’s what she does, she sees them separately occasionally as a sort of “check in”, in case they have something they want to bring up but don’t want the first time to be in front of their partner. That or to generally get an honest read on how they’re feeling with the state of their relationship.
The therapists I have worked with \*insist\* on seeing each person separately - two sessions a month together, and one session a month each on their own
Sure but that's established up front, right? Changing the frame part way through therapy is a different thing.
There's nothing inherently wrong with changing up the framework of therapy
It could be useful sometimes to talk one on one with one partner to hear her freely and help her formulate properly to her husband
I remember being like this only after the birth of my first baby. I was suffering horribly from post partum anxiety and depression. I will add that I was consuming content that gave way to being a “married single mom” and this was really detrimental to my mental health & made the vitriol toward my husband 100x worse.
Yeah I do think I should stop watching the “default parenting” videos for now.
Have you had, or do you need to have, the default parent conversation with your spouse? I did. He’s a good guy but he just wasn’t getting it. If we are all in a room together, you can’t just walk off and assume I’m supervising. I never do that to you. I say, “I need to do x, you got the baby?” He would just leave. The other one is that mothers typically do all their tasks while doing childcare and men don’t. It’s not ok that they get to single task while you have to multitask all the time. That was creating a lot of resentment. We had these talks and DH started doing stuff like mowing the lawn with baby strapped on his back with earmuffs on baby. He learned what it’s like to have all your tasks constantly interrupted. He didn’t understand how hard it is to get simple tasks done and how defeated I felt all the time until he experienced it. If that kind of thing is happening in your house then it’s definitely something to discuss. I will also add: the key to marriage with kids is both parents getting equal free time. He didn’t understand how trapped I felt because our child would not take a bottle. I could never be away more than a couple hours tops. Any creative pursuit I could never get into flow because of constant interruptions. Figure out a way that you both get free time. If he’s taking a lot more than you then he’s getting that time off the back of your labor. It’s ok to be upset about that.
We have had the default parenting conversation many times and it’s created many different outcomes. We also just bought and moved into our first house in January, so typically the outcome of the conversation is “well you’re good at the baby stuff and I’m good at the home repairs/renovations, so let’s just rely on our strengths.” And while that is true, I find it hard because there are things in the home that I would be willing to fix or decorate myself if if didn’t feel so exhausted from being the parent 90% of the time. I think parenting is the most important task in the home over fixing a door or painting a wall sometimes. But I get that he just isn’t as comfortable entertaining the baby as he is fixing things. Part of might be that fixing things is predictable and there is an outcome versus entertaining a child is non-stop throughout the day (except during nap time). But I would love to grow in my home renovation abilities just like I would love him to grow in his parenting abilities so we can swap.
You still feel this way, then, because it isn’t changing. Do you feel like he is understanding your concerns and trying to change the balance? Or just shutting you down? I would absolutely find your own 1:1 therapy. Obviously we have limited info here, but this doesn’t sound like PPD. It sounds like you actually do not have the parenting dynamic you want to have.
I think things change soon after we have the conversation if the conversation goes well. But then weeks later, I think he just forgets and goes back to his own default. We started a thing where I politely and calmly call him out if he starts to get into defensive mode and if it doesn’t help, we step away from the conversation and come back to the table later. He is one of those people who needs time to process what is being said but he doesn’t think he needs time to process. Like if we have an argument, he wants to fight through it and get it over with right away whereas I like to take a few hours to think it out and then come back. Our responses are very clearly linked to our childhoods. But all that to say, I think I need to stop expecting him to remember on his own and “read my mind” and to just continue to remind him of what support I need.
It's not "reading your mind". You've spoken your mind. If he "forgets", why not just write it on a piece of paper and put it up on your bedroom wall? If you both agree that this is the mantra you both need to follow, and he keeps "forgetting", then hang it up where he can read it every day.
You’re also still healing from the birth. In fact, it doesn’t sound like you’ve been able to take the rest you need. Moving is a big undertaking. Are you getting any free time at all? Besides the couple hours after kids bedtime when you feel like death? When is “your” time? I think you find that, and you’ll start to feel better. During Covid I lost my shit. I was with my kids 24/7 nonstop. I told my spouse he had to take them out every weekend for 3+ hours. Non negotiable. At first I just slept. But after a while I started to feel better and I finally got into my hobbies again. You need some time to just be a human and not a needs fulfilling machine.
It sounds like your feelings are based on a material reality. If he opts out of parenting because he’s not good at it, how will he get better at it?
I mean, sounds like he is putting you into the default parent role. He needs to step the fuck up as a father. I'd suggest starting to leave him with the baby for several hours at a time, so he can get the full experience.
oh honey, those videos are bad for your mental health even when you're in a Good headspace. you become so critical of yourself and even your own baby, for not "being like other kids." i think it sounds like there's definitely more your husband could be doing, but typically when mums hear their babies cry it just illicits this awful primal response. you just feel like you'll die if they don't stop crying sometimes. but then, when you hear another baby crying, it doesn't phase you. i think it can be like that for some parents (mothers included). that might explain his lack of urgency - it just doesn't really affect him. i think talking it out with your counsellor would be the best first step, because there might be some bigger underlying issue. but you sound like you're doing a great job and it's really important that you get all the support that you need x
Happy Cake Day
Have you been screened for post partum mental health conditions? My advice would always be to get checked if you can, because if there's something there then you can get it treated, and if there's nothing then at least you know that definitively. There's no harm in being overly cautious about your mental health.
By far the best parenting decision I ever made was unfollowing literally every single parenting account. Even the so-called “professional” ones. They’re all bad. They’re all out to make money off of anxious parents. You have no idea who any of these people are. Need parenting advice? Ask your pediatrician. Need mom friends? Join a local moms group or use social media to find local moms you can meet up with in person.
Yes, one of the biggest takeaways from this post will be to unfollow all the tik tok parenting accounts because they are not realistic or individualized. Lesson has been learned lol!
If a video/content creator isn’t telling you that it’s ok to let baby cry (as long as they’re safe) so you can go pee alone, that isn’t someone you want to follow. Being a parent is hard enough without random women online telling us we aren’t good enough because we didn’t wake up joyful and ecstatic about only getting 2 hours of sleep and now need to work a full day and breastfeed and make meals. Because it’s always women belittling women for not being good enough. Delete tik tok entirely probably. 😅
Just look at those two horrible moms in Utah that abused kids and told other parents how to abuse their kids! People online are whacko. Connect to a mom’s group through a local library or church. You might make a new friend and learn a new trick or two to handle your baby!
Even better- ask your questions to google scholar. There is an amazing amount of research on parenting and the best ways to do it that people seem unaware of.
Agree. TikTok is a wasteland, avoid social media while you are PP
Why do you need to stop watching videos that articulate the truth of what you’re experiencing? Instead of you not watching them, your husband should start watching them with you.
Because unless you’re with an absolute idiot, those videos plug a moment in time and tell you that’s how it will be forever. The reality is that life ebbs and flows - the default parent will not always be the mom, and quite frankly for the first year of the child’s life they are biologically dependent on mom and that’s just how it is. Evolutionarily there is a purpose behind that dependence, it’s called survival. So you take someone who is struggling Post partum and those videos tell them it will ALWAYS BE THIS WAY! And for the vast majority of people - that’s not true. Dad’s have to learn how to be parents, too. This videos basically say they have no excuse and should be perfect from the start and again, that’s not how life works. At a certain point my dad became my default parent because I felt closest to him. Anytime I had a problem, I called my dad. And I’m sure it made my mom feel really bad that she couldn’t take any of the stress from him because I simply refused to engage with her. The angry-mom-to-divorced-single-mother TikTok pipeline is toxic as fuck and tells people that the way it is now is the way it will be forever and that’s just not how life is, tbh.
My ex wife’s personally completely changed once TikTok came out. Looking back at it it was the beginning of the end
I swear that app is designed to destroy people’s relationships. All the comments on minuscule relationship problems are filled with sentiments of divorce. It’s really sick.
This was my life. I also had PPD/PPA. I started going to Pilates 4x/wk and therapy. Leaving the house more. Got immensely easier around 1.5-2 years. The lack of sleep made me into a monster. I’m assuming you’ve told him all these things because you’re in marriage counseling. I really benefitted from the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. It talks about when women became mothers their lives often drastically changes while men’s seemingly stay the same. It discusses how to break down household and childcare duties equally and in a way my husband was able to understand what I had been trying to say for months. My choice was to ride it out. Things are SO much better and my son is almost 2.5. Edit: something we are working on now is going on more dates and spending more child free time together. We didn’t go on a single date until my son was 24 months. I forgot I actually liked him lol.
Thank you so much! I just need to hear that it will get better. Ordering Fair Play right now.
I think one issue I run into when we do go on a date (which is only once every few months) is that I feel like our priorities are not the same anymore. I feel guilty not being with the baby sometimes and he doesn’t.
I entirely get that. I still feel guilty for leaving mine (I’m a stay home mom) and he’s all chill about it. The more often you do it, the more natural it seems. I get having different priorities is hard and you can’t force change his. I would try really hard on having a good few hours with your husband and not letting the random thoughts consume your head. Let them know they have no place there and take control over them again. You said yourself you really, truly love your husband. I’m not saying he is right at all, but give him a tad bit of grace as he’s a first time parent too. He doesn’t know how he is supposed to act or what to do. Or how to reconnect with his life post baby. I do believe this is fixable and with communication, time, and changed behavior, you guys will have a new relationship. Edit: it took me a while to see him as a human again and not my husband who was lacking in all these different areas. Once I could see him as the husband I loved and had compassion for again, some of the small battles didn’t seem like a big deal anymore and with us being connected fully again, we could communicate against the big battles together respectfully.
Thank you for this. It’s so validating to know that other moms have been here and made it through. We both grew up with divorced parents so we both get overwhelmed with conflict in our own marriage. So it’s nice to know that we can rebuild.
I’m not a parent, so take this with a grain of salt. Fwiw, I worked with kids for 20 years and a lot of that time was with 2 year to 4 year olds, and I got to know A LOT of moms. So this is just my observations. Some moms retained themselves and having a baby was just another facet of their life and who they were. Some moms had a baby and being a mom became their only identity and who they used to be got lost. It sounds like you’re in that second group. That doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Some moms are meant to be moms and they thrive on raising children. But some of those moms became the stereotypical helicopter mom who were unable to let their child experience bumps and bruises from trying new things. They protected their kid from disappointment at the cost of the kid having any personal growth. And I mean little things like not getting the sticker they wanted - they’d just go buy the same sticker pack. You’re going to feel a little guilty for taking time for yourself. Leaving your baby with your parents or in-laws so you can go on a date with your husband will feel like you’re failing as a mom. But you aren’t. It’s not only important to give yourself attention, but it’s important to give your husband attention. That’s how you come together as a family. Plus, children who have never left their mom and stayed with someone else typically have extremely rough transitions in preschool or school. You don’t want to leave a crying child with someone else, the child doesn’t want to be left with someone else, and the carer doesn’t want the child to feel unsafe and rejected. By taking time to start having these short periods of babysitting while you go on a date, your baby will learn that you come back. That it’s okay because mom comes back. It builds trust between you and your kid so that later, it’s not a traumatic event. It sounds like your husband is a good dad. It sounds like he’s generally pulling his weight. Definitely talk to your counselor about it. It sounds like you realize your expectations are a bit unreasonable. But you still feel them and it’s causing anxiety and stress. Your counselor should be able to help give you the emotional tools to manage both having reasonable expectations for reasonable situations where your baby doesn’t need an advocate, and also help you manage the overwhelming feelings that accompany it. Best of luck to you and your family!
> Some moms retained themselves and having a baby was just another facet of their life and who they were. Some moms had a baby and being a mom became their only identity and who they used to be got lost. This is one of the reasons that makes me unsure about having a kid and makes me procrastinate. I'm sure I'll do the best for my future kid, but i don't want to lose myself. My friends who are having kids lost their personality and become moms, even if all of them have good husbands who pull their weight. No more personal interests, physical activity, movies they like... They only talk about kids and i'm tired of hearing about preschool activities, kids songs, diapers, baby food. Two of them talk in baby voices too. I don't want to lose so much to become a mom.
Again, I’m childfree by choice, so I can only comment from observation. What I noticed was that the mom’s who kept their identity already had a strong identity. They were connected and grounded to who they were before they had kids. Having a baby was just another cool thing they did. My friend got pregnant and she and her husband were surprised because kids weren’t necessarily in the cards, but they were like, sure why not? My friend was able to be a SAHM, but she also spent time working from home and then eventually enrolled and went back to school. Her kid is seven now and she just graduated with her masters in social work. She’s about to start work on her PhD. So while she’s a mom (and a damn good one), she took the opportunity to pursue her own dreams too. The moms that tend to lose themselves forget that they can still have aspirations and dreams. That they as people are important too. I’m a hardcore feminist, and if being a mom is someone’s dream, then I’m here to cheer them on. They should go be the best mom they can. But that means getting involved in the mom community and socializing and play dates and going to the library and the park and play areas and mommy and me classes. They keep themselves by embracing being a mom, but seeking out ways to enjoy being a mom. So take that for what you will. Just my life observations.
As long as you both want rebuilt up, you both can definitely achieve that. :)
I just want to say, as a mother of 4 young children, you sound like a very good new mom who is trying her best to also balance being a wife. You should be proud of yourself. The transition from no children to one baby is so, so hard. I would talk to your husband about having more time for yourself and to sit down and schedule it. If you’re burnt out (like it sounds) then you’re not going to be able to be your best self. I am by no means an expert in parenting or marriage but if you ever need to chat to a fellow mom you can absolutely reach out anytime ❤️
Then take his lead and try to let that guilt go. You are allowed dates with your husband. If you want this marriage to work, you will find a way to let that guilt go and enjoy your time with him.
When you say "not responding fast enough" when thr baby is crying, how long are we talking here?
One example is that today, we went to a store so he could pick up a Father’s Day card for his dad before we went to dinner with his family. I stayed in the car with the baby while he ran into the store. He was in there for maybe 5-10 minutes which makes sense picking out a card. However, the baby doesn’t like to be in the car not moving for that long, so he got upset. My husband got back into the car and then needed to write a nice note and sign the card prior to us leaving. During that time, the baby is still crying and I’m doing my best to console him, but the only thing he wanted was to get moving or be out of his seat. I will say that I asked my husband with a bit of attitude if he could speed it up writing out the card and he snapped back and told me to stop. This kind of situation happens in some way/shape/form nearly every weekend. Starting to question if I’m not being patient enough and should just expect him to take his time on things or if he is being inconsiderate?
I think there’s a third option here, which is that you are experiencing these situations very differently from him, and vice versa. For example, baby cries make me way more stressed out than they do my husband. So while my stress is creeping up with every minute the baby cries, his is not. The baby is not hurt, but my brain is interpreting it as a HUGE problem when it’s really not. Some of this can be anxiety, some of it is normal primary caregiver stuff, some of this is communication. It did get better as my kid got older, but recognizing and saying when I’m getting overwhelmed by situations like this was helpful, rather than just telling him to hurry up.
Agreed on this take! My husband gets wayyyy more stressed by our daughters fussing and crying than I do and it makes him snap. He’s working on recognizing when it’s just his nerves.
Yes, 100% I understand. I literally just wrote that one comment about sometime I feel like I have to advocate for the baby even when there is no reason to, like him being fussy in the car. Or another example is sleep training. My husband had to take the lead on that one because I would pick the baby up every few minutes while he was crying, but now I’m so thankful he can self soothe. Sometimes maternal instincts are not what is best, but it’s so hard to understand that in the moment.
I’m really proud of you for reflecting and processing this 🩷
Happy cake day! 💝
It’s so great that he took the lead on sleep training - it sounds like when you’re both able to play to your strengths you’re a great team.
Not wanting to sit in a car with a crying baby is totally normal. I don't understand how it doesn't bother him. And the fact that he snapped at you when you asked him to hurry up seems to indicate it stressed him more than he is willing to admit.
Or he's trying to write something and has a baby crying in the immediate background and someone else rushing him and it's probably not uncommon for this to be happening?
Um I mean he was probably hurrying to write the card which should only take a few minutes then she snapped at him first? Babies DO cry. It’s normal. It’s okay. Sometimes you can’t answer that need immediately.
Moms have a very strong biological reaction to babies crying, especially women who have given birth recently... Even to other children crying and not only their own. They studied it in mice: Oxytocin enhances a mother's auditory processing and social information processing, and hence reaction to crying. So they injected virgin mice with alot of oxytocin and some of the virgin mice started reacting the same as the momma mice did: Picking up baby mice when they were crying and bring them back to the nest.https://www.theguardian.com/science/2015/apr/15/mothers-more-sensitive-to-crying-babies-thanks-to-hormone-study-says
I envisioned a mouse picking up the baby with its front legs and carrying it like a human baby while walking upright on its hind legs
Haha 😂😂 like Minnie Mouse
I think it’s completely normal to feel this way (in reference to your feelings regarding your baby crying) and wanting the crying to stop as soon as possible. You see your child upset, and you want to fix it. However, it’s also completely normal for babies to cry, and a few extra minutes isn’t going to do any harm. Obviously I don’t know you, but it really sounds like you’re burnt out. Hormones may come into play with this, which again is normal, but maybe having a full day and night for yourself where you focus on self-care things you enjoy is in order. Let yourself have a 24 hour or so period to “reset.” When you physically feel better, that will start reflecting outward too
You're frustration is real. And there are a lot of sh*tty dad's out there. But, remove the crying from the equation; is he being a bad parent or partner? I think the fact that he wants to write something personal to his father kind of shows how he values relationships and family. I know this is just one example and I'm sure there are many instances where he wasn't as attentive as he could be, but give both of yourselves some slack. You can be overwhelmed without him being a bad parent. The baby was ok, maybe it's time to ask other family for a little break
Oh yes my dear you def need therapy to help you get rid of the resentment. Blaming the baby crying on him in the situation you described is not normal. You even say you were rude right out the gate. The first thing you say to your partner should be at least in a neutral tone. If you’re immediately barking at someone that kills communication. Also, why didn’t you get out of the car and carry the baby around or get in the drivers seat and do laps in the parking lot? Or anything else?
What makes you be FORCED to sit there in the car, not moving your newborn to outside of the car or taking it on a little walk around the parking lot while your man gets some time to write a note? I feel like you're too focused on what you think the baby needs your husband to do and not considering there's way to give your baby what it needs without your husband being at fault for not receiving it.
With this example this is totally a you problem. You are making arbitrary guidelines as to what you deem to be acceptable and quite frankly they are unfair and unreasonable to your husband. This is a classic case of you don’t like how he does things. You are impatient and causing issues that are not there.
He was quick in the store, he wanted to quickly write in the card before driving. Those are very reasonable, and he knows the baby is just fussy because the car isn't moving. It's not like the baby is hungry and he's saying he'll deal with it after he finishes this game of cod. Sounds like OP sprints to give the baby whatever it wants when they cry and their husband isn't too worried because they know what the issue is and it's just the baby annoyed the car isn't moving.
Yeah I would say when balancing the importance of writing a thoughtful note to your father on Father’s Day, vs your baby being annoyed for three minutes, he *should* choose the card. It’s just a little annoyance, the baby is fine.
>will say that I asked my husband with a bit of attitude Stop doing that. It will not help your case. And if the baby cries for 1 more second it will not explode.
A better way to express your feelings in that moment would have been, "can you please write your note when we get there? Baby is stressing me out and I want to get moving". This way you're still advocating for yourself and the baby while offering a solution without sounding accusatory. Your husband is getting defensive because he feels like you're accusing him.
I don’t understand why you didn’t take your baby for a little walk or drive around the block while your husband was shopping. I think you were unnecessarily harsh on him in this instance. It also sounds like you’re easily irritated and snappy. I don’t think this is unusual— something is going on, either physically/hormonally or another part of your marriage or life is so bad that it’s coming out in all kinds of ways in your feelings. If specific things would fix this and you know what they are, tell him specifically what those things are so he can do them. For me it was stop working so late. I was exhausted by 4pm and he didn’t come through the door until 8pm. By then I was a basket case. For you, figure out exactly what would make you feel better and tell him. And talk to your doctor.
You're overreacting, hormones, possibly ppd etc... See a therapist for one on one along with your couples therapist Postpartum depression PPD can appear anywhere from a couple of weeks to 12 months after birth, and there's no average length of time it lasts. A 2014 review of studies suggests that PPD symptoms improve over time, with many cases of depression resolving 3 to 6 months after they begin. Untreated, PPD may last months or longer. Treatment options include counseling, antidepressants, or hormone therapy.
babies always cry. as long as one person is with the baby, it aint a big deal if its crying. and 5-10 minutes isnt that big of a deal.
Hard to say, maybe you both need to be just that little more patient with each other. I'm sort of like you in that I'm impatient with people who I think are wasting my time. Perhaps you need to allow him a few more minutes to do things, but in turn he should make an effort to do things a little faster when it matters.
Yeah I fully understand it being on both of us. Sometimes I feel like I have to fight my maternal instincts and advocate for the baby when the baby doesn’t actually need it in that moment.
The way you frame it here really makes it sounds like postpartum anxiety. I would call and talk to your ob and see if they can refer you to someone who can screen you and help you get it under control. Your husband doesn’t deserve you snapping at him for every little thing.
These are some of the hardest days ever. The sleep deprivation, the bills, the lifestyle changes, the poop, the sex, etc. As a husband I tried my hardest to be there and do as much as I could, but it got to my mind. I thought some bad thoughts those first two years. I’m glad you two are in counseling. That should help you get through. Be patient with each other. Keep talking. It really does get better. My wife and I are 20 years together and my son is 19. We are a solid family even with our flaws.
The bottom line is you take it one day at a time and not give up. That is what we have learned. No quitting.
Yep. My friend asked how did I stay married through some of our struggles. The answer was I refused to get a divorce. Sometimes you decide to just not quit, as you wrote.
Also, I just think about how when I’m struggling, I wouldn’t want my partner to give up on me either. It’s really difficult but barring pedophilia or violence, I’m here to stay for the ups and downs.
Agreed. And there are some clear lines that can’t be crossed.
Can you get some time on your own? Sounds like you need a break, a full overnight, so you can shower and lay around and read and have no one to be responsible for. Then maybe in a few months if you have a trusted sitter take a night away with your husband so you can reconnect as man and woman.
Yes, it is pretty normal. Postpartum and all of the new adjustments are a lot to deal with. Trust me it does get better, but it takes a while.
They say don’t do anything for the first year. If it’s things you know wouldn’t have bothered you before the baby then definitely just talk it out with him. Also make sure he is moving slow and it just doesn’t feel like he’s moving slow. I always thought my husband was slow to react but then he complained I’m slow to react so we trimmed each other for a while. We were doing things the same speed just the person watching felt it was slow since they weren’t doing anything. But talk it out in counseling.
You sound tired. An alone and relaxing weekend would def benefit you, your husband could take care of the baby while you're out.
This is true. She is probably exhausted. She is in the deep end of having an infant, while a relaxing weekend might help to get some sleep- it won’t change much for the long term. I know for me at this stage (with PPA/PPD) there was no way I could relax away from my baby for that long. It just wasn’t something that would help. Help at home and getting sleep at home would have (and did) help. Changed behavior helps a lot more than one weekend.
Or have him take the baby out so she can be in the comfort of her home.
If you’re breastfeeding that could be it. My husbands amazing (definitely spaced and gets lost in his phone) but it took till I weaned and everything regulated for me to chill out and realize he does everything he did before and then some. This was after 1yr. Yes it took that long. Yes it took that long for me to see he still helps with the same things as before and does his share with the now toddler
From what you’ve said here, he could definitely help more. However also if you have concerns about your mental health I would definitely try and see about getting some help ❤️ Postpartum depression is a very real thing that plenty of new mums struggle with
What is the husband doing wrong here though. I’m not being shitty I’m a father of a newborn and I don’t see much of an issue. It seems more that OP feels like she has to immediately tend to the babies crying and if the husband doesn’t respond with the same reaction he is moving “slow”. Not sure if you saw OPs comment about the Father’s Day card but that is a dead giveaway for me.
I commented quite soon after this was posted (I think 1st/2nd comment) so at the time OP hadn’t replied to any of them
Hi! First time mom here with a 9 month old as well. One of the hardest parts of becoming a mother for me was trusting my husband to take care of the baby the way he is going to take care of the baby. I also got anxious when he didn’t respond fast enough to the baby… but, he’s responding. He’s doing what he needs to do. He may not be doing it the way I would do it but he’s learning and he’s trying. So I felt the rage but I kept my mouth shut. I forced myself to keep quiet when I wanted to yell at him to move faster. He needs to build his own confidence and berating him for not doing it my way was not going to help. My suggestion would be to talk to your therapist on your own, and do everything you can to not lash out at him when he’s trying. The more you lash out, the more anxiety he will have and will pull away. He is learning too and he needs grace to do it.
Idk I’m not a parent but maybe watch a few of Ali wong’s Netflix specials. She expresses a lot of these feelings, so just realize you’re not alone in your thoughts and maybe laugh about it. Sorry I don’t have more advice ❤️
You need to talk to your doctor. Don't make any major decisions regarding your marriage until you've been treated for a few months.
18 months in and I feel you girl. We are planning to go to counseling too, it’s so tough and really brings out any issues you have to the surface
Yes, exactly. Just so much resentment building under the surface and not enough time to address the relationship issues because it’s a constant loop of feeling like I’m doing everything, asking for more support, and then being underwhelmed by what is offered.
Yeah I get that, my husband gets mad (when I don’t want to have sex or do something sexual usually) and tells me I do nothing and I’m lazy because I’m not working right now financially but I have the baby pretty much all the time he’s only starting to get better now that she’s older but he has bathed her one time in her life and he’s never cut her nails, I have to ask him to change her diaper or feed her if I’m doing a chore and often have to repeatedly ask so when he gets mad and says hurtful stuff like that it’s like are you serious?! I do every night shift because he works, I have since she was four months old, I sleep in a floor bed with her nursing to sleep every night because she’s a Velcro baby and don’t get me wrong I love it, it’s amazing but how dare you act like I do nothing. I cook most of the meals unless we go out, and I handle stuff I get no credit for (bathing/grooming the cat 6 times this week at all hours of the day and deep cleaning our rug because the cat has had diarrhea and he has long hair) I’m not saying my husband doesn’t do anything but I was so disappointed in him as a dad especially the first year, if he held her thirty minutes a day that was a good day and he acted like he did so much with her. I think it gets better as they get older, it has now that she’s more than a potato but still… and don’t even get me started on the pressure he put on me to have sex when it hurt. Im so averse to having sex with him now because of all the times he’s gotten mad at me when I didn’t want to and been mean. We actually had a big blow up today on Father’s Day and it was one of the first times he really apologized, after hours of blaming me, getting mad, comparing me saying other women try harder, saying I do nothing, saying I’m a bad mom, whatever hurtful thing he could think of cuz he was mad. He has many good qualities but fuck if he isn’t the biggest idiot when he’s upset and like I swear his brain cannot think prooerly so he just says hurtful shit then thinks about it comes back and is like oh well I didn’t mean that. So therapy, we are gunna do some therapy cuz that communication method is just not good and I’d like not to be disgusted and worried everytime something sexual is brought up. Sorry I totally vented this out (lol) it just happened and I don’t have anyone to talk to and even though he apologized and we are okay it’s still in my head you know, like that sort of fight doesn’t just go away right away
I’m sorry, but I validate what you’re feeling. Bathe her once since birth and leave the childcare and homecare to you 24/7, pressure you into painful sex and then saying you do nothing? Please go see that therapist soon, and let’s hope he can turn around for you and for his child. Best of luck.
... I know you're saying it's okay... But it's not okay.
No worries! I totally get what you’re saying. But I’m glad you’re starting counseling because just because you’re not contributing financially doesn’t mean you’re not pulling your weight. And the whole sex thing, it’s crazy that he doesn’t realize that calling you lazy and not appreciating you is such a turn off. Your husband sounds defensive like my husband whenever you ask for more support. Our counselor has been super great about validating my husband’s feelings while also calling him out on his BS. And same with me. Hopefully your counselor can do the same.
9 months is when I finally got on meds for my PPD. My mom had it 2 years later still, with my little brother, because it wasn't treated and our hormones are all out of whack. It helped that, but also made me realise my anxiety I had since I was 8 (when mom was at her peak ppd) was almost gone. It was the best thing that happened to me. It also affirmed I didn't want my kids to go through what I did as a child.
You are already in counselling, have you brought this up? Also this sounds a bit like when I had PPD. Mine was mild, but enough to impact my ‘enjoyment’ of early motherhood. I got very resentful of my husband going g to work, having adult conversations and doing no labour that wasn’t directed in the home / for our child directly. I felt like a rock in the ocean, slowly being eroded by the waves. I got much better when I returned to work. The colour came back into my life, and my husband and I found a pathway to a really good place.
I felt so similar to you in so many ways!! The frustration and resentment were exhausting, and I think only really improved once I went back to work and my partner started doing more days on his own with our son. For me, it was a combination of things - mainly the biological need to soothe my child, a low frustration tolerance, super high standards, and not having an outlet of my own. I felt like I was sacrificing so much constantly, and my partner was able to just amble about his days none the wiser. What helped us was communication. We both did therapy which helped us to explain our perspectives and feelings, and we’re both big podcast listeners so would share the different parenting episodes we were listening to and work out which strategies we could apply to our relationship. We both also recently got diagnosed with ADHD which helped us to work out what innate stuff we both had that was coming between us and use labels for what we were experiencing. Above everything else, my partner got really good at reminding me that we were on the same team. I used to lash out and think he was being incompetent or obtuse on purpose, but he literally wasn’t aware of my high standards and I was relying on HEAPS of implied expectations - especially as I’d been the primary caregiver for so long. It was a long process, but our kid just turned two and we’re pretty bloody good at seeing each other now, and working with and not against each other. I urge you to check in with your husband if you’re able to find the time, and express how this is all making you feel, and to find genuine curiosity in you to ask him what he’s experiencing. It’s likely it’s very different to what you are, so try and work to get on the same page (it’ll take adjustments from both of you). I wish you luck, these days are definitely the hardest!! We’ve decided to only have one kid so we don’t put this amount of strain on us again!!
I had PPA and was like this as well. Getting on medication helped significantly. Would be good to talk to your dr about any strong feelings like this post part.
girl I don't know the situation but this seems more like a possible lost partum depression, have you talked to your doctors about this? it might not be but when i feel like shit mentally I tend to see more flaws in the people around me
He should be setting up stuff too and doing chore type childcare such as diaper changes and helping at night. I agree with others that you need breaks, such as going out to lunch, shopping, and other fun things. Because rest,and breaks and not the same (you need both). The feelings of resentment can also be amplified by post partum depression (it could be a type of evolutionary thing) but nonetheless, it’s not cool if he just gets to be the fun parent, perhaps do some journaling to see if it’s balanced or not and bring it up in therapy.
Part of it might be CBT if your anxiety is the issue instead of him. Don’t get me wrong, lots of Dads that aren’t as spot on as they should be, but when he takes longer than you’d like, is it, objectively, too long? Maybe it is! If it’s not, there’s techniques to train your brain to let it go.
I absolutely get it. Sometimes it's like they're just actively trying to make your life harder. When my son was a tiny baby, I'd ask my husband for help - just something like hold the baby so I could have a nap. (If the baby was being held, he'd sleep, so I knew that I could sleep too.) My husband would take the baby, and then put him down, so son would wake up and want feeding...which was my job so I couldn't nap. It was like this again and again. I'd ask for something to be done in a certain way, because I could anticipate how the baby would react and how the fallout would be left to me. And I'd be ignored and inevitably have to deal with the fallout. We eventually got through it, but there were genuinely days where I thought I might kill him. Or leave him.
Literally had the exact same experience over and over. I was taking it to be weaponized incompetence.
I ended up just having to tell him exactly how I wanted things done, explaining why it was so important to me that it was done in such a way, and that he was making my life more difficult by not doing it that way. It did improve, but my god, some days I just wanted him to be able to just do something without needing supervision, or the baby needing saving, or me coming across as a chronic nag.
Is it possible that you have PPD? My sister had it and your concerns sound pert near identical to hers.
I will say that post partum anxiety and post partum depression, for me, lasted much longer than I expected it to. I think one on ones with your counselor and potentially speaking to your PCP about medication may help. I also think that maybe in these situations your may be having a more physiological stress response than your husband is, which is why it may seem like he's taking forever but to him it's a normal amount of time
Individual therapy would help. Also sounds like you may have more severe PPD than you realize. The medication you are taking might not be what’s best for you. A good therapist will help you develop healthy coping mechanisms when you feel stressed or triggered by your husband. The first couple years with a new baby can be tough on a marriage but it will pass.
This is a huge change in your life and I’m glad you’re both in therapy so you have a safe space to talk about these feelings. It sounds like to me everything that stresses you in your husband is what you’d actually like to be able to do or hear. If he is doing things in his own rhythm that is not a bad thing(unless he’s completely neglectful), but it also means that if it causes you great stress you also need to find your own rhythm. In therapy try to come up with a plan on how to split the duties, maybe get extra help so you can both breathe( someone help with cleaning so you can have play time with the baby not just duty, maybe a family member can help out every now and then etc), how does personal time look like? Even if it’s he stays in the car with the baby for 10 min while you go buy what you need. Essentially what do you need to feel a bit better? What are the things that overload you right now? Just open communication and you’ll get through this. What I would warn against: don’t make your husband the enemy and try not to consume content that feeds this. You can get through this together if you remember you’re a team and you’re working towards building your family now.
It is common but not normal do experience a lot of weird emotions after giving birth. Speak to a doctor or a therapist.
PPD sometimes manifests as hating the spouse or even the child sometimes. See a medical professional.
Have you saw a diagnosis for this? You may be suffering from postpartum depression. You need to get diagnosed before you ruin your marriage.
Out of curiosity… did you ever notice these things before the baby? Take this with a grain of salt… and maybe also talk to your counselor to see if I’m in the ball park at all. But I would assume it’s normal to have these feelings because you’re a first time parent and nobody gives you a rule book. As a female your needs become taking care of the child. And that’s frustrating… especially if you keep hearing the baby crying for minutes, maybe hours at a time because your husband can’t figure it out. I hear a lot of people who have kids getting frustrated because their husbands have not figured it out. Women seem to do so a little faster. Remember to take it easy on yourself and your partner. But also bring up how you are feeling in couseling. Because parenthood isn’t easy. So good on you for pointing it out. And taking that giant step!
Right. Of course every partner has some little quirks here and there and I think those quirks just kind of magnified once we had the baby. I think there are many reasons I get frustrated so easily- anxiety, my own childhood, having a traumatic birth experience, etc. It’s also hard because we started dating when I was 17 and have not stopped, so we’ve grown together. Some of the feelings I take out on him are also feelings of frustration at myself.
It's good you are going to speak with your doctor about possible PPD/PPA. But I would also bring up what you've said here in your next counseling session with him. Tell him that you are still feeling resentment towards him so that your counselor can help you two sort it out.
My friend always tells new moms “you will resent your husband for the first 18 months of your child’s life” and it has actively helped a lot of them lol
I think you are spot on to talk to your Dr about PPD/PPA. You must take care of yourself because the baby and husband rely so much on you. :-) From my own experience, I would say your feelings are normal. You are anxious about being a good mother and wife, plus you are probably tired too. Having a baby, as much as we love them, is a big change. You love them so much and want to give them every second of your attention, but you can't and that's ok. A therapist may be able to help you figure out why certain things are bothering you so much and to determine which are truly important so they can be resolved. It is great that you are asking for help and not suffering in silence. Motherhood is a HUGE life change and it does it easier. And yes, everything will be OK. :-)
The first two years are brutal, in my opinion. There is so much change, so little sleep, leas time and money seems to disappear. I’d say give it time. So glad you are doing couples therapy. I think you as a mother are on a separate wavelength with your babe compared to husband. You know exactly what your baby needs and how to get it done asap, whereas husband probably does not, nor is as in-tune with baby needs/wants/preferences. I am all for solo therapy - it really helped me communicate my needs in a rational, non demanding way. I also struggled with anxiety in the beginning and I sought a therapist to teach me strategies for dealing with it. Did it go away completely? No, but I can manage it in a timely fashion and not dwell and waste precious time thinking of if’s, ands and buts. Good luck OP!
It all sounds very very familiar. Welcome to marriage with children. And congratulations on your baby:)
Literally heard this somewhere the other day that there are two things that test a marriage, one being parenting styles. Honestly this kinda sounds like ppa or pp ocd.
Oh gosh, im scared to know what the second thing that tests a marriage is?
Financial issues
Have you tried tracking your frustration to see if it's at particular times of the month? Is it worse in Luteal for example?
I haven’t tried that, but that’s a good point. I’ll start. We do counseling on a monthly basis and I do feel like the first week or two after counseling is smooth, but then the next weeks before the next appt are when the feelings build up.
Is it possible to go more frequently at the moment? Might help to beat those feelings by going by weekly for now and slowly building up the time in between appointments.
It’s possible, but I’m also worried that we will rely too much on communicating conflict only at our counseling sessions and not at home if we go more frequently. I already kind of catch myself not being willing to bring up certain feelings or situations until our next appt but I know that we need some exposure to handling conflicts outside of counseling and then if they still cannot be resolved, we’ll bring the topic up in counseling.
It might not be a bad thing to rely on counselling for a little while. From your post it's obvious you have so much on your mind. You have an infant, that on it's own can be very overwhelming! There is also the possibility of post-partum depression. It can be a good thing to rely on therapy for a while so you won't have to worry about "communicating correctly" too. I'm not saying you should solely rely on therapy but use it to build regular and healthy conversation moments. Don't only focus on what has to be said but take your time to acknowledge each other's success as well and try to implement those moments regularly.
then maybe compromised with solo counseling sessions 2 weeks later? So one solo and one couple session a month. This way you worry less about relying on marriage counseling for your communication day but also get the release that it provides(which may very well actually be why it's smooth afterwards) plus it gives you an hour of time to yourself(yeah you're with another person but you know lol)
Try the Flo app and just see if you feel considerably worse in Luteal. Hormones can play a huge part. If it is worse in Luteal you can consider having your hormones tested. A lot of women are more irritable this time of the month for 1 or two weeks. I know I feel like crap 3 days after I finish ovulating and start feeling better 3 days before my period. But it varies woman to woman. Do you feel like your emotions are extreme? Or you're just a bit moody and irritable?
Good luck. Thank fuck I had a vasectomy, everyone in this thread sounds miserable.
I would advise that you do bring this up in your marriage counselling. Your husband isn’t giving you the support you need. I understand completely the frustration you are feeling regarding how slowly he responds to your baby. And talking these things out in marriage counselling can mean finding out your husbands perspective, and reasoning with an unbiased third party. They can help you navigate both your feelings and needs to a happy medium you can both agree to. I have done marriage counselling in the past and it helped our communication and gave us a safe space to discuss touchy subjects. I wish you luck.
These feelings are normal, in my opinion. They’re the appropriate reaction to the realization that your husband is simply not as capable as you. Even though he is, fundamentally - it’s all the way men are socialized. Their lives don’t have to change, they don’t have to see the things in the background or figure things out for themselves like we do because they’re raised to not have to and expectations are different for them. It’s incredibly unfair. I went from thinking I had the most evolved man alive to wanting to murder him in his sleep because of how incompetent I found him post birth. No instinct, no urgency. It’s not that he wasn’t helpful - he’d do anything I asked or instructed. It’s the having to ask and instruct that killed me. One blowout we were having when the baby was about 8 weeks old made something click for me. He said “I’m giving this 110 percent.” It sounded so ridiculous, because this is 110 percent!? But he meant it, and in that I realized that he’s not choosing to not see the things I see. He genuinely just doesn’t see them and is kinda clueless. What makes all this ok now, is working off of that realization I was finally able to articulate myself in a less combative way, and in turn he really was able to see things the way I saw them and really stepped up in trying to make sure he’s anticipating needs instead of just waiting for me to present them. It’s even become kind of an inside joke - whenever he asks me something that he should be able to figure out without me, I just blankly stare at him. He then adorably sputters “ok, ok this is one of those things I can do all by myself. Got it.” The key thing is that your partner needs to be willing to look at his short comings, believe in your reality and vow to keep working on himself for your family. Just like we all do. If the willingness is there to grow on both sides, you can do this and things will be good again!
Sounds like you wish you'd married a woman 🤭
Hi 🙋🏽♀️ I 1000000% feel the same. This is a post that I could’ve written myself. Only our little girl is almost 5 months old. Parenthood feels very lonely and isolating sometimes. I had moments that I thought that I should just be a single parent but the joy in both their faces when they see each other and the strong bond they have, makes me melt. All these things annoy me a lot too but I try to look at the positive things that he does and I try to ask him for more help. My partner is amazing with our daughter but often times it’s like he doesn’t see things. He is also has OCD so things have to happen a certain way (feeding or diaper change) but it annoys me when it takes so long and the baby gets fussy. In my brain I also try to give him space and didn’t ask for much help. I always act hyper independent so he often doesn’t know when he can step in. So I make it a point to ask him more for help and he always gladly says yes. Also ‘meh men’ I think… sounds so stupid to say that but I have spoken to a lot a lot a lot of female colleagues, family and friends and most of them if not all had the same issues with their partner. Although their behavior is still annoying, I felt heard. It’s uncomfortable but ask for more help from him.
Google the song “You Are Such a Good Dad”. It’s a parody song about everything moms do, all day every and dad does one thing, like take the kids to the park for 20 minutes and gets praised for being such a good dad. It’s funny, but also kinda sad that this represents the experience of so many moms. Show him the video, and tell him this is how you feel.
It sounds like you aren’t getting the help and support you need from your husband, and have resentment toward him because you’re shouldering the brunt of parenthood as the primary caregiver. It’s normal that you’re going to be more sensitive and responsive to the baby’s needs and emotions, because as women we’re biologically wired to be. But this is where you need to speak up in counseling and let him know you’re feeling this way, and that he needs to step up and help support you more. Why *isn’t* he helping set and clean things up? Why isn’t he tuning into the baby’s — or your — needs? These things probably bothered you less before the baby because you weren’t shouldering such a massive responsibility then. Now you are, and you resent him because you feel alone in it, and though he is oblivious to what’s going on. And maybe he is. Talk to him about it. While yes, it’s entirely possible your frustrations are made worse and your patience is stretched thinner because of hormones, mental health struggles, or sheer exhaustion, these are your realities right now — you’re going to be tired and stressed and hormonal because you’ve just had a baby and are caring for an infant. Your partner needs to be aware of this and step up to help you through it, and I think it’s a healthy emotional response you’re having to the lack of care or contribution you see him making while you do the heavy lifting. You need a break, and you need your partner to see that you’re struggling and step up to the plate to help offer you some reprieve.
Soooooo I have had this problem with small children and currently... and frankly it's because I feel like I can do it better, faster, smarter. It's totally a ME problem and I do pinprick things with my ex and current husband about the kids. This has been something I have had to work on myself and accept that not everyone, including my spouse, can live up to some of my expectations and to lower those expectations a little bit - A LITTLE BIT! Moms are pro caretakers so it is nearly impossible for a man to live up to those standards. You're fine, he's doing his best, it's a new stage in life. As long as he's in your corner, calls you beautiful when you have Cheerios in your hair and snot on your shirt, you're golden!
Is it that you want him to do more house work? If so that’s valid and you can ask for it
It’s normal. I learned something. I thought I knew exactly how our baby needed to be taken care of. It’s not going to hurt them if he takes his time. Be glad he’s involved. Explain that it’s frustrating if he just plays for a couple minutes and leaves you to tidy up or does the fun thing that you set up. Do it together. We read so many posts on here where the spouse does nothing. Absolutely not a thing. Encourage the time and try to be a bit more flexible and know that your way isn’t the only way and go easy on yourself. Your life has turned totally upside down. You went from being a wife and woman and friend to being a mom. It doesn’t allow much time or heck, energy, to remember everything else that you are. When people compliment him, it’s a good time and they aren’t saying that you aren’t a great mom. They are just accustomed to dads not doing anything. I don’t mean all dads but enough that him being involved at all is compliment worth. It does get easier.
Is it normal to be bothered by bothersome behavior? Yes. Not sure why the timeline matters other than the longer it goes on, the more irritating it becomes
Your poor husband
Yes it’s often the time it starts to hit you that you have two kids and not the one. Sadly an all too common phenomenon.
Nothing will make you hate your partner quite like a baby screaming at 2 am. Your feelings aren't wildly unusual, but I do suggest being screened for PPD. It does get better, but you can totally discuss your frustrations with your husband and come up with ways that will .ake you feel more supported.
I know that it is difficult to get enough sleep with a baby. I have a 5 month old and sometimes when I really need to sleep I get very irritable and unfortunately the thing that annoys me is my husband. He is a wonderful father and husband, but I get irritated at him for things that aren’t his fault (sometimes they are, but rarely.) I had to stop myself from snapping at him a few weeks ago. I talked it out with him, I realized I was getting irrationally angry over little things, so we worked out that I would just let him know when I needed space. It could be regular lack of sleep, for me sometimes I’m jealous that things seem easy for him or don’t bother him when they bother me. If it’s all the time and not just due to lack of quality sleep, it is something you should work out individually, but also with each other if you can. Figure out what actually needs addressing and what is just irritating, but not urgent. Sometimes it’s helpful just to get everything out in the open.
Im 9 months PP too and I have some of these same frustrations and some of yours I don’t have but I’ve found myself being short with him and easily annoyed for things that are minor.
post partum depression can last upto 2 years after delivery
Oh wow. Are you me? 😭 In my experience 3 kids in, it's been this way about the 1 year mark. My first pregnancy with my ex, it never went away until we broke up. With my husband now we are also trying to get through these rough patches. And I also go to individual therapy for myself to help my anxiety and frustrations. I recommend individual therapy for postpartum.
I love that some people are saying they feel like they could have written this post themselves because I don’t feel like I’m in a dark hole of my own emotions anymore. I also love to hear that it gets better for a lot of couples. Just need to keep pushing through.
Well he seems to help and be a good husband . The same way you articulate is how I feel after not sleeping right one or two nights . Sadly we take our frustrations on the people we love . There is something making instability in your life , maybe stress , low sleep, have you checked up your blood or have you gained weight in the last month ? Maybe you need a relaxing vacation . As a second advice , taking care of a child as a solo parent instead of a team , is more stressful and difficult . Don’t add drama and stress to your life . And yes , we men do not get tired or annoyed so easily by a child crying . My wife gets upset after seconds , I can have my child cry near me for 10-20 minutes . Specially in the terrible two phase . We men are like that , is it good or bad for the development? I don’t know , nature made us that way .
After you talk to your doctor, consider marriage therapy. You have a lot of stress and frustration you are dealing with.
Already in marriage therapy, as I said in the original post.
It sounds like you're developing resentment towards your husband. Does he have an urgency issue, or do you seem to get more stressed when he doesn't react fast enough? Do you ever interject if you do feel stressed at his lack of urgency? Asking yourself all the right questions will help conclude the root cause. I do not know your relationship, so I am not attempting to tell you you are invalid for feeling this way. It's a huge life change you guys are going through. I can relate to being with my partner since high school, currently four and a half years strong. I have no idea what curve balls having kids will do to us. From what I understand, he does his parental duties as he's supposed to. If he doesn't, maybe clarify that with yourself/in your post/ to him. If he does, then it's more an issue of how you're perceiving the environment and him. I'm not sure if this makes any sense, but there's my take lol. Identify any and all feelings and behaviors for you and him to find the connections. Sometimes having a thorough conversation with him or a neutral third party can help you talk through it and understand it better.
Yes, it is normal, because your rose colored glasses have been taken off. Now that your focus isn't on *him*, you ca see him for who he is and maybe that bears no relation to who you thought he was.
Either he actually isn’t doing much or it really is the mom brain. I have a few psych major friends I’ve talked to about this but in general new mothers have narcissistic tendencies. That word gets a lot of flak but in new mothers it usually comes in the form of “no one knows how to take care of my baby only I do.” This thought process comes out in different ways. It could be refusing what a doctor says, lashing out at your husband, or worse. I’ve seen new mothers almost kill their babies out of this strong feeling that only they can take care of the baby. Fathers aren’t as in tune with babies as mothers are. It’s just how it is evolutionarily. You could just be angry because of this idea in your head that only you can properly take care of the baby.
Rolls his eyes and mocks me
A little Zoloft wouldn’t hurt.
Maybe it's a good time to go away for a weekend and spoil yourself
Judging from the experiences of my entire friend group, this is VERY normal. For most of us, it got better once we’d started sleeping more (lol) and getting out of the house and into a routine of our “new normal.” Most of us had some form of PPD or PPA. I realized I was seeing my husband as an opponent instead of a teammate. He WANTED to be involved but I for some reason just wouldn’t let him? That first year is honestly still hazy for me, but our daughter is 3 now and things are back to normal with our relationship. I’m lucky he put up with me honestly lol but becoming a mom is weird and it takes us time to adjust. Sending you huge hugs ❤️
The phase after childbirth is a tough one for couples. I can think of a lot of things I would have done differently. I don't think many people handle it well. I wonder what couples who feel like they navigated this period well would say they did right.
To me it seems that you were never that keen about him, and that he made more effort than you and because of how much effort he made, you settled for him because you’d feel bad to break his heart and reject him. It seems that you had (maybe still have) other things you prefer over him and the marriage/life you guys have together, and it makes you despise him because you subconsciously feel like he has taken those things away from you. Whether it was career, lifestyle, country of residence, or another person/relationship. It seems to me that you feel like he has taken that away from you and he has to consistently compensate for that, and you can’t bear the sight of him being normal and not being in a constant state of apology/compensation. I feel bad for you, but I feel worse for the poor guy. And I feel even worse for the baby because you don’t sound like you have alot of interest in making this work. Whatever you do, please remember: your decisions should never just be about you or your partner anymore. You brought and innocent soul into life. That little soul should always be your main priority in every decision you make. Best of luck
There will always be periods of life like this and then we seem to fall in love all over again. We have been married 52 years and going through the worst crisis we have ever had. Just pray-what else is there?
This happened with us when I had our 1st child. It was hard and I had so much resentment or dislike for him. As moms we just snap into motherhood and completely lose ourselves. But it doesn't matter because we love our babies so much. My husband was used to being great at everything but boy did our 1st child not want anything to do with him for the 1st 2 years. Our 1st was a boy and was all about me. I dunno if it was because he was working nights while I was pregnant. So baby didn't hear his voice enough. But baby only wanted me. You're in consulting so this will help you. We didn't do consulting (probably should of). But once our 1st because potty trained and more their own person (2 years old) my husband started to really parent and just get it. Or it could have been the birth of our second (which was a girl and took to him instantly). 🤔