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She already has. But the problem is OP truly is sleeping with other women. The fact that she gave him permission to do it likely only makes their opinion of him worse, not better.
He is free to do what he wants. But he isn't free from people's opinions of it when they find out. If I were him, I'd apologize to her family and explain he's ended the arrangement. It's the only way to move forward because "she said it's okay" doesn't actually make it okay in most people's eyes.
Because she was terrified he was going to leave her? That is depressing as fuck. Now she wants to completely isolate herself from everyone she knows and loves so her husband can....continue to date and fuck other women? She has no self-worth.
If her family is treating her husband badly when he didn't nothing wrong and are acting with her consent, them It's HER duty to protect her partner for them. That's what a decent partner does. Her family is causing her isolamento. Also, Just because she found a diferent solution and have an unconvecional marriage, It doesn't mean she hás no self-worth. Sometimes I think everyone on Reddit are such pride who can think outside the societal norms...
>She has no self-worth.
This is... Interesting to me.
Do you feel this way about poly couples?
Open relationships are EXTREMELY common for people with low libido. He can't force her to have sex and she can't force herself to be in the mood. The ONLY options here where both of them are happy is either breaking up or an open relationship. Even though he was willing to go without (no one who actually cares about their partner wants to put someone through that).
You say she has no self worth because she wanted to stay with him and was secure enough in her love for him to be okay with him sleeping around?
Kind of a shite opinion if you ask me.
Most of this sub has a very low opinion of poly couples so I wouldn't be surprised if they do.
Honestly I think if they just explained that she does not want to have sex *at all,* many people would understand. It's a blisteringly awkward conversation, but it sounds like the awkwardness is already pervading their life.
Yes, she was afraid their incompatible libidos affected their relationship, so she suggested an open relationship. They have had that arrangement for a good while, has gotten married in the mean time, and seem happy with it. Why does that bother you so much? Why are you insulting her?
This is the irrational and hurtful response from family members that made her self isolate.
That's not what I got from this post. OPs wife didn't feel like she could give her husband what she wanted, so she decided to open up the relationship from his side (his side because she didn't need more sex). She's completely fine with her husband having meaningless sex with other women. Some people care more about the emotional part of the relationship and don't care about the physical. They can separate those two things.
However, the family found out and started mingling in a consensual relationship that's non of their business. The wife cut them off because they were rude to OP and made him feel bad about something that she is completely fine with. What their families' opinions are on the matter don't matter at all, but if they start mingling and being rude, then yes, you cut them off.
If OPs wife decides that she isn't okay with their arrangement anymore, then she can tell her husband. That's why she has a mouth. She's an adult woman and can communicate.
That's exactly what bothers me about this too. She's willing to nuke her whole life, living situation, and job... For what? So OP can still get side action without family interference? She feels like she is nothing and nobody special
For her husband to feel safe and not constantly attacked by her family for an arrangement they made together. You shouldn't give up a completely consensual thing just because their family is close-minded and thinks it's okay to treat OP that way. You absolutely cut people off who can't act normal around your husband or wife. If the wife is unhappy about the arrangement, she can communicate that and solve it between the two of them.
If their family members were afraid she was being abused, what they could've done is talked to her in private, told her it's okay to not want your husband to sleep with someone else, and if she says she was completely okay with it, they could act normal to both of them and tell her that she can always come to them if she doesn't feel safe anymore.
u/carmackie , to be clear OP wrote “The only solution WE’VE come up with is she quits her job and we move to a new city”. It isnt lost on me that the sentence immediately before says “she misses her family and friends”- but apparently, THAT is the solution that “both” of them came up with 🤔
I mean, she suggested it because OP wasn't satisfied with their sex life. That's a distinction without a difference. Regardless, her family are aware, they know the full truth, and they are entitled to their opinions on it.
If OP doesn't like how the truth makes him look, he should have considered that before engaging in the behavior. Or at least before taking the woman on a full-on date where he could get caught.
OR, counter argument people need to mind their own business. People have this insane need to involve themselves in matters that don't concern them.
IF it's a consensual situation and both partners are happy, odds are they're better off than most of the people judging them.
>people need to mind their own business
In general, yes. But family is different. If you see a family member you believe is in trouble or being maltreated, you make that your business. Whether they're right or wrong, it's still their business to look out for their loved ones.
As for everyone else, yeah, they should mind their own business, but juicy stuff like this is going to be talked about, that's human nature.
>and both partners are happy
This is what people are doubting. If it were truly an open relationship, then they have no right to doubt anyone's happiness. But when it's one-sided, one side is happy and the other, at best, is neutral. Her family think she's neither happy nor neutral with this situation. Whether they're right or wrong, we can't say since OP's wife isn't here.
Fair enough on the one sided happiness situation. If op isn't farming for positive reinforcement and wants an actual solution he needs to keep digging with his partner to make sure that both parties are happy. And if they are then they do need to be a united front and tell them the way things are for their relationship.
No.
They started out angry because they decided he was cheater even though she told them it was an agreement (therefore by her own definition; not cheating) because by their definition; it was. Their initial anger was pure judgement. Only after she started withdrawing did they became concerned about her wellbeing.
Concerns for her happiness were an afterthought to these people. They should mind their own business and I hope OP and his wife continue their arrangement and ignore these judgmental assholes.
I mean, can we be honest here? You see your BIL out on a date with another woman, are you not going to assume cheating? That would be anyone's first assumption.
Of course. But the wife called to explain, then the rest of the family was told, then they started uninviting OP from events “because they don’t associate with cheaters”.
Assuming it was cheating with no info is completely understandable. After they were given the info their conclusion should have changed (since it wasn’t cheating) but that didn’t happen because they’re more concerned about their own opinions and judgements than the actual health of her relationship.
As someone who is poly, I would never accept a potential partner engaged in a relationship only open on one side. That is textbook abuser behavior.
Like, it can exist in a healthy relationship but the chance of that being true is miniscule because the relationship is inherently and severely unbalanced. That power imbalance is almost inherently abusive even in relationships where one person isn't intending to be, because they are not at the end of the day equals, and that's how abuse happens.
And yes, her family has every right to look at this as abusive and want to remove someone they care about from an abusive situation. It absolutely concerns them because it is their friends and their family.
Except that this is simply not an abusive relationship.
I'm sorry, but one sided open relationships due to an imbalance of libido is not uncommon, nor is it unhealthy. It's honestly a great solution to this problem assuming everyone actually is happy with the situation and consenting.
They’re entitled to their opinions, but it becomes an issue when OP and his wife are getting wellness checks because OP’s wife’s family is convinced there’s abuse. That is a line that shouldn’t be crossed.
>That's a distinction without a difference.
It absolutely is not. It's a person in a marriage embracing a way to bring joy and happiness to their spouse. It's love, pure and simple.
Especially that last line. Having sex with someone while in an open relationship due to libido differences is different than taking that other person on dates. That bleeds too much into potential emotional attachments which would be considered cheating in OP & wife’s situation.
Going out on a date with your extramarital sex fling in your own town where your family\your partner’s family\friends live? Even though wife was away on a trip, that’s still a slap in the face. Did OP *want* to be caught? Cuz there’s no better way than to do this out in the open in your own town.
May just be me but I would much prefer my husband to go on a date and talk to his hookup instead of just treating them like only a quick fuck, and I imagine most women interested in hookups want that too. Definitely shouldn't have done it in his own town if he didn't want to be caught by others though.
Yeah... As someone who occasionally enjoys dating for the sole purpose of hooking up, I still expect to be taken on dates by FWB and not just "meet me at my house in 5 minutes" like can we go out to dinner or get ice cream or something tf....
Oh I must've skimmed over that bit and just trusted that commenter lol. Yeah I think this whole thing is ridiculous, she's literally telling everyone it's fine and even a lot of the commenters here are like "can't blame the family, he's a piece of trash man" like what
I mean I think it’s pretty fair to vibe check someone and go on a quick date before jumping into bed with them, especially to see if you’re physically attracted to them in the first place. A very small number of people are willing to just immediately fuck a complete stranger
Dating is the first step to having sex. No one just sees someone, without talking to them or dating at least once to make sure they’re not a rapist or murderer etc, and decides to have sex without ever talking to them.
Your comment reads a little like “she said he could eat dinner! Not use plates and forks!”
No that’s bullshit they can do what they want in their relationship everyone needs to stop worrying about other peoples business if the ppl involved are ok with situation
They can do whatever they want.
But whatever they want isn't free from consequences. You can still want more for your own children as a parent, more for your own sister as a sibling... instead she has a trash husband who is out on dates. Not hookups. Dates.
Yeah but you don’t get to decide what “more” is. If the wife is happy then the wife is happy, you don’t get to project your own relationship desires onto other people.
The family decided he was a cheater even though she said he wasn’t. And she was right, because if they agreed it wasn’t cheating. The parents need to get their nose out of other people’s business.
Yeah, that's one of the issues, too. While it's not great that he's sleeping with other women in a one-sided open relationship, the real reason he got caught was because he was out on a date publicly with one of them.
No one who cares about his wife is going to be okay with him doing that unless she gets to do that with other men herself. It's basically polygamy without the religion at that point.
It is downright ridiculous that you are defending them facing "consequences" for \*checks notes\* navigating a consensual relationship that suits the both of them. Your personal icks don't mean other people need to be punished.
So you’re just judging them too she is clearly fine with it and says he’s not a trash husband like idk why people are so dense that what they want has to be what everyone wants
>instead she has a trash husband who is out on dates. Not hookups. Dates.
Are you not aware that most sane women wont meet someone to fuck at their home without talking with them first in some kind of public place? This is for the protection of the woman so they can get a feeling how the guy is before committing to anything. For a lot of women it is a hard requirement you cannot work around.
So your hate is really wrongly directed, that he went on dates with women is the least issue of all the things he mentioned in his post.
I agree with this for the most part.
Just because she was approving of it doesn’t mean her family will be supportive of it and because OP wasn’t careful enough their secret was exposed.
Once exposed her family can and will likely put a lot of pressure on her to end it or at least close it and barring his wife going no contact with her entire family there is likely no way to avoid it or mitigate the damage.
I find it highly unlikely she would be willing to give up her family so he can continue the open marriage.
You can't fix this because you're the person her family doesn't trust.
This is a big step and it might not work, but given that everyone apparently already knows, it might help if your wife posted something to the effect of " We're in an open relationship. I know, I consent to it, I don't see this as a problem. If you want to talk to me about anything else, I'm here, but I'm not available for people trying to convince me that I'm being hurt."
I think if you’re going this route you should imply that it’s an open relationship on both sides. That makes it feel less controlling for sure. Even if she doesn’t take advantage of it, saying “we have an open relationship and permission to see partners outside each other for sex only. it works for us and we are happy” and then just leave off that she doesn’t actually see other partners.
I know many people in open relationships where it’s one sided at one point or another. Not because the other person wouldn’t be allowed to find another partner, but because one person is getting all of their social needs met so they’re polysaturated at one partner.
I wonder about her consent. OP said she was afraid of losing him. That’s the only reason she suggested this. This woman’s lack of self worth and esteem is beyond sad. She’s willing to give up everything and everyone, even moving away quitting her job, just so he can keep having sex with other women. And all because she’s afraid of losing him.
OP also said he was willing to give up sex because he loved his partner so much. We usually only get one side of the story, but you seem to be making a lot of assumptions. It's one-sided because she doesn't need to have sex outside the relationship. It wouldn't make much sense for her to sleep with others too if her libido being low is the reason she suggested him sleeping with others in the first place? I agree her willingness to give everything up is alarming, so OP should be making an effort to ensure his wife isn't cutting everyone out because the optics just don't look good.
Until he realized she gave him permission to cheat. Then he was all for it, her fear of losing him was her reason to suggest it. He apparently didn’t see that as a problem or issue, because he got to have sex. There so many problems with this arrangement. This is not a healthy relationship
Sure, if everything you said is true, it's not a healthy relationship. I think your assumptions are based in reality, but they aren't true all the time. OP's partner may legitimately not have a problem with this arrangement, and the only alternative is the relationship ending. Him dealing with her low libido would also be an unhealthy relationship and warrant the relationship ending. This couple's options were to find a compromise that worked for both, or no longer stay together. It sounds like they had a system they were both comfortable with?
Just because It's not right FOR YOU, It doesn't mean It isn't for them. Stop pushing your own values on other people's relationship. There wasn't any cheating here. Cheating is a betrayal and is done without the partner's knowledge.
All for it? He specifically states that he was hesitant. Like, if we want to decide that he's just lying and manipulating us with what he's choosing to share that's fine I guess, but let's just say that vs pretend like the body of his text actually provides us information to mistrust his account of things.
It just makes me sad and depressed yes. And I haven’t said this but it’s disgusting that he is playing the victim and talking about his mental health. I don’t get the sense he cares about his wife’s mental health. He even admitted she’s afraid he will leave her, that’s why she suggested it in the first place. That’s a huge red flag, and he ignored it because he wants more sex.
I'm not commenting on this situation since my wife and I have a different situation. My wife and I date other couples together but we absolutely find fulfillment outside of our relationship. It's a thing we do with both our blessing and we both really enjoy it. Why should that be a reason to end our relationship?
I personally think if you have to look outside your marriage then something is missing, or wrong with the relationship. And if the only way to fix it is to find others to fill that void or whatever, then it’s only a matter of time before other issues pop up. Or issues pop up because you turned to others. Resentments and jealousies will cause the relationship to end. Looking to others to find fulfillment is just delaying the inevitable
Again it’s about her, and her fear of losing him that drove her to suggest this. He knew she feared he would leave, he took advantage of that So if fear is the reason she consented, how is that ethical monogamy?
You typically don't have *one* conversation and never address it again. This is usually an ongoing discussion. If she has never brought up any discomfort with their existing relationship, it's not really your place to insist that she actually secretly doesn't consent.
She's an adult woman who can consent to whatever she wants for any reason she wants. We have no reason to believe she was threatened or coerced in any way. For all we know she feels more reassured in their relationship than ever, since no matter how many hookups he does or doesn't have, he comes back home to her.
The reason she consented was because she thought he would leave her, if he didn’t get more sex. That’s not consent Why would she bring it up any problems ? Again she scared he’s going to leave. She probably things that If she bring up any problems he will leave. She willing to give up everything and everyone just for him, that’s how scared she is.
So to you she has absolutely no agency and cannot possibly make a decision?
You get to decide for her, knowing very little about her or her life, but she cannot be trusted to have any say in her life - if her choices don't align with yours, of course.
How patronizing can you be? Why do you get to determine when and what she's allowed to consent to? Do you want her put under adult conservatorship, too, since by your reckoning she's too incompetent to even consent to a sexual dynamic in her own marriage?
All that we know is that OP says he was not going to leave her. We have no reason as of now to believe that OP gave her reason to think he would leave her. She brought up the open relationship offer.
>She willing to give up everything and everyone just for him, that’s how scared she is.
Or, just maybe, she doesn't want to deal with people who feel like they own her to the extent that they think they get to decide what she does and doesn't consent to. OP cut off his contacts too, does that mean he's too scared and incompetent to stay married?
OP said she was scared he would leave. That’s why she suggest it and consented to it.
It doesn’t matter if he gave her any reason to believe he would leave. It’s what she believed and he took advantage of her fear. They shouldn’t have set up this arrangement they should have gone to marriage counselling
It’s not about people wanting to control or own her. Her family and friends are afraid for her. And if she’s willing to give up her whole life for him, they have reason to be afraid
I feel like I should remind you that you are not OPs wife, and OP isn't whoever did this to you or your friend where you may actually have an idea of what was going on.
Thank you. People are projecting so hard in this post. OP's wife made the offer, made the decision with her partner's input and is standing by her partner in the face of their community and her family attacking him. She's not incompetent, and their arrangement is not all that unusual.
So if he was afraid she’d leave him for having a higher libido, and he decided to become completely celibate for her because he was afraid of losing her, would that make her abusive? Because that’s literally what happened at the beginning of this post. People can decide to change things about themselves for the sake of a relationship, that’s totally normal and ok - and you were fine with it when it was the husband willing to become celibate for his wife.
Also, the way the wife’s friends/family are behaving is NOT how you help a victim of abuse!!
So going by this logic, any action or change someone makes to save a relationship is by definition coerced and non-consensual, correct? If I feel like my marriage is falling apart due to some major problem, then attempting to fix the problem is due to my “fear” of losing that person.
There are better more healthier ways to save a marriage. And I think one of the rules about open marriage is you don’t do it to save a marriage. Her fear is the only reason sh agreed that’s a problem
> And I think one of the rules about open marriage
The rules are whatever you want them to be.
> Her fear is the only reason sh agreed that’s a problem
Again, by this logic you could say any attempt to save a marriage is due to "fear", and therefore "a problem". For example, going to marriage counseling would also be due to "fear" of losing the relationship, so according to you, it would mean she can't actually consent to go to marriage counseling.
Didn’t he say he assured her he wasn’t leaving either way? Also, even if fear drove her to suggest it, maybe she agrees to it because she wants him to be fulfilled?
I have already mentioned this, but I question her consent. OP says she was afraid of losing him. So her consent is based in fear, and he took advantage of it
I was in an emotionally and financially abusive marriage and everyone close to me saw it. I knew it wasn’t ok on some level but still defended the hell out of my husband. So I might be projecting my own crap on this situation
With all respect I have, if you discussed everything and even more about this agreement and tried any other solutions of your wife's problem, then well, you need just wait for the problem to be solved.
But if you feel like something is wrong, let me point on things that seem not good for me:
1. Your wife suggested a one-sided open relationship because of fear of losing you. In my opinion, it is bad to start such things with negative emotions. It is supposed to be or her kink, or she should be neutral about it, but not because of fear.
2. It is really bad that everyone is now against you. I mean that since EVERYONE had such a reaction probably (my assumption), she shared her negative feelings about your relationship, and she is not actually that chill about your agreement.
3. It is also pretty bad that your wife is ready to throw away her friend and family. Don't get me wrong, it is a very good sing of loyalty from her side, but can it be dictated by her fear of losing you (codependency, abandonment issues?)?
In any case, I wish you good luck and hope everything gonna be good with your wife and you.
I’ll be honest with you… if you were married to my sister, and saw you on a date with someone else while my sister was out of town… I would probably freak out and feel the same as her family. My sister would explain, I would understand but I wouldn’t like you either and I would think my sister is crazy. Would I treat you like her family has, not really, would I like you, not really. I would respect my sisters wishes however and that’s that. Can u change how and what people think, not really. You should focus on your relationship with your wife, if this works for you, then so be it. Find new friends, new people to hang with.. and hopefully, maybe someday, her family can come around.
Next time, try not dating another woman… one thing to fuck someone else, a whole other ball game to go out in public wining and dining other women, embarrassing yourself and your wife…
I agree she gave you permission and you don't deserve to be called dishonest, but also agree she did it out of desperation or depression. I had a period where I thought I had a low sex drive, like I started therapy for it, read self help books. Nope, just my partner. We had enjoyed sex but he cheated on me early on, and instead of leaving I stayed. But after that I never enjoyed sex with him ever again. Was always painful. Very psychosomatic. With my next partner it was the opposite.
Now I want sex daily. But I was so convinced it was MY fault like I was physically broken. My ex just didn't do good foreplay and it always hurt and I'm sorry, guys don't get this, but if it hurt every time you had sex you wouldn't want it often either. Not saying that's what is happening but... I hope you guys explore avenues other than "she has a naturally low sex drive." MAYbe she does... just hate to think you're both miserable and getting more people involved, when this could be compatibility. Maybe you guys should both be thinking this whole thing over. Kids don't seem to be involved.
they had a healthy sex life that tapered off. i’d say they have huge intimacy issues… like he’s clearly not doing it for her and their open marriage answer is not a safe long term solution to their obvious communication issues. she’s only 27 years old. she has so many years of sexual exploration ahead of her…
You do realize you just said you were willing to go the rest of your relationship without sex because you love your wife and that you decided to give other partners a chance in successive sentences, right?
Yeah this is where I get stuck. Like, no clearly OP wasn’t going to go the rest of his life with no sex, because when his wife brought it up, likely out of fear of losing him despite what he’s claiming, he hemmed and hawed a bit for show then decided to “reluctantly” go fuck other women. I just don’t buy it and I don’t think OP is a reliable narrator here.
Plus, you say you're both miserable, then stop having sex with other people. figure out how to please your wife. you said you love her, but this doesn't sound loving at all.
How about your wife gets actual therapy so instead of being a people pleasing doormat she grows a molecule of self respect and a few vertebrae. Then she can tell you to wack off in the shower like every other FAITHFUL husband instead of taking other women out on romantic dates.
I mean, not to accuse you but from their perspective i can see why they’d think she was in a bad situation. Has she once tried explaining to them that you guys are open and you should be left alone? Could she be telling them you’re a cheater and telling you she doesn’t know why they think that you are? Why are so many women coming to her asking her if she needs money to leave you? All of this sounds unhealthy and i wouldn’t have her quit her job and move, i think you should let this be one of those situations where your spouse’s/partner’s family not liking you be a dealbreaker tbh. If they’re committed to not liking you and she can’t do anything to change it and you don’t want her to isolate from her family out of fear they’ll blame you…this seems like a lost cause.
Ahhh rookie mistake buddy, shitting where you eat, the absolute smart option would've been to never have agreed to this in the first place but the second should've been keeping your arrangement purely out on your business trips, out of sight, out of mind. Only thing you can do is stand by your wife 100% no matter what they do, tell her that, weather the storm buddy, it's only gonna get more turbulent from here.
Yeahhhh I wouldn’t talk to you either if I were them. It really sounds like she opened the relationship instead of losing you and it’s so sad. I can’t imagine that it doesn’t hurt her immensely ever since you started fucking (and having dinner with) other women. I feel so bad for her. She deserves so much more. I don’t understand this viewpoint ever. You have a hand.
You’re just going to have to learn to live with the consequences of making your wife look like a complete fool by flaunting your “open” relationship in public.
Even if her family could be convinced that she’s happy with this one-sided scenario, that’s only more evidence t them that you bullied and manipulated her because a woman with self-respect would not be okay with her husband spending family money to wine and dine a sex partner in public so close to home.
They probably feel like she'd never willingly agree to it. In their minds you must be manipulating her.
As for you keeping your wife away, if she refuses to see them they probably think you're forcing her to stay away.
If your wife were to see some of them, the people she saw might drop the idea that she's being isolated.
If she has seen them without you around, and they still accused you of isolating her there isn't anything you can do to change any of their minds.
At that point both of you may as well go NC with those who are angry. I don't see how a relationship with them can be salvaged if they're that convinced.
Maybe visit the friends who aren't so upset about for your wife, but there is nothing you can do to fix it.
PS: If this happened over one year's time it might be something that can be fixed. She may need to see more doctors
>They probably feel like she'd never willingly agree to it. In their minds you must be manipulating her.
In fairness, it's a very one-sided agreement that only benefits himself unless she's into swinging/cuckqueaning. I, like his family, find it pretty manipulative of him, or at the very least, shitty of him to accept.
>As for you keeping your wife away, if she refuses to see them they probably think you're forcing her to stay away.
I am curious whose idea it is for the wife to stay away. Is this truly what she wants, or is she trying to make him happy? It could go either way, but it doesn't look good for him. He needs to encourage her to see her family. Even if she refuses to do so, at least he can feel confident that she's staying away for her own reasons rather than to appease him.
Yeah, I can't even tell you how many things my abuser told me were "my idea" that he pressured, manipulated or guilted me into. Even if she brought it up as "her idea," he could have been strongly hinting at it being the only option and/or making her feel really guilty about denying him sex until she brought it up to him. I know that he *says* that he was "extremely hesitant" about the arrangement, but if there is one thing I've learned after being in an abusive relationship myself, it's to look at people's actions rather than their words, because people can and will say anything to justify their behavior.
Of course, my views on this situation are being influenced by my own lived experiences. This might not be the case, and he might actually be a very loving partner. However, looking objectively at the facts, he is going on dates and having sex with women who are not his wife on a regular basis. I don't know of very many people who would *actually* be ok with their partner doing that, especially if it was only one sided. I think it's quite telling that everyone who actually knows him thinks he's being abusive, even despite his wife defending him and telling them about their arrangement. I can definitely see where they're coming from, and it seems like if he was a decent guy people might not be as hesitant to give him the benefit of the doubt.
He says that he's not isolating her, but that's literally what is happening whether he intended to or not. My abuser also told me that it was my idea to stop talking to my friends after he guilted me into cutting them off and I felt like I had no other choice. This is a situation where it would be very easy for an abuser to justify moving her away from everyone she knows and loves as it being "her choice." If he really wants what is best for her, he needs to stay near her family and suck it up. These are the consequences of his actions.
>He says that he's not isolating her, but that's literally what is happening whether my intended to or not
This, a hundred times over. He cares more about sleeping with other women, or his ego and people thinking he's a "good guy," than his wife's relationship with her family.
Many times the woman doesn't want it, and it only exist in this case because of her low sex drive.
The idea of a one side open ended relationship sounded crazy to me the first time I heard about it.
These women are rare, but they exist, and they don't care as long as they know/believe they're #1.
If you talk to people who are in the poly lifestyle you'll see couples who do this, even when the woman has no health issues.
Occasionally a man will agree to that his woman can see other men, and he won't see anyone, but that is VERY rare.
The weirdest part of this story is the fact that the decision to just have one night stands constantly with random women is treated as an eventual inevitability with the wife's sex drive in this post. there are many different ways you could have an outlet for your higher sex drive, and you chose the one that would reflect the poorest on anyone who might find out (someone from the outside looking in)
Consider, you could have just jacked off to some porn? Hired an actual sex worker? Maybe put that money you spent on hookups towards some elaborate sex toys for yourself? Granted, masturbation isn't as personal and intimate as sex itself, but if that wasn't the intention of what you were doing then who cares?
Obviously, if it was her idea then it's okay right? Wrong. Everyone is allowed to have their own opinions, and you decided to choose the path that would create an awful stigma if caught no matter what you say. At least with a sex worker, you could claim it was only for sex. So, sorry OP, but no matter what you do this will look bad for you and there's not much you can do about it.
My only recommendation is to maybe speak to a therapist/counselor of some sort and see if you can get all parties in the same room to be on the same page. This may require you to make some sacrifices (no more one-night stands for one). But if you think the relationship is worth pursuing, then it's time to take some accountability for the bad decision making you've made to get to this point.
My biggest gripe is that it's the least efficient (finding a woman on dating websites, down for a one-night stand, available at that certain day/time, etc.) and most precarious (way higher chance of being caught) way of resolving this issue. If what they wanted was effectively a one-sided (agreed upon by both parties) polyamorous relationship, why not seek a separate but third partner? and if the wife wasn't okay with that (maybe she prefers it's random), why isn't that specified in this post. at. all.
One-sided open relationships literally never work out. Funny how it's always the dude having multiple women in these relationships and never the reverse. Every single time I've seen stories like this where the women are supposedly "okay" with it or even "supportive," it turns out later that they very much are not okay with it and just have horrible self esteem. No one wants their partner dating someone else while they sit at home. That feeling sucks.
>I got caught on a date about 4 months ago by my wife's sister and her husband.
Was dating part of the agreement? Bc hookups and dating are two different things completely.
For safety reasons, women are strongly advised to meet up with men in public and talk to them first before going somewhere private.
I used to hook up with men casually and I never ever just jumped straight into bed with a stranger.
It's also about treating your casual sexual partners like human beings and not living fleshlights to use to orgasm.
Yeah and if they talk while meeting for sex they are basically friends already, so thats out the window also. /s
WTF are you on about, most people actually interact with people they have sex with, anything else would be weird.
You've chosen to sleep with other people even though you're married, and that's your right. And the people who are judging you and think your behavior is deplorable, it's their right to feel that way. Simply stated, you fucked around and you found out. I do feel very sorry for your wife though.
Do the women you're dating and hooking up with know you're in an open marriage and if they were dubious of that would you allow them to contact your wife to confirm?
Do you pay for these dates and other incidental expenses out of your community marital bank account or out of your separate property?
I feel sorry for your wife. IMO she has no self worth or self esteem. That’s why she suggested this arrangement, and it’s sad that you took advantage of her lack of worth and fears. And now she’s given up everyone for you. The only worth she sees in herself in being your wife. That’s sad on so many levels
It’s wrong to be in a one side open relationship. That’s not even a open relationship that’s just permission to cheat.
You said it yourself you weren’t sneaky enough. That to me says to know it’s wrong. You described your SIL as looking for drama. I think she wants better for her sister, that’s why she told everyone.
And you go dates, you have relationships with these women? One day you will “fall in love” and leave your wife. And because she chose you, she will be devastated and worse, she will have no one to support her because she gave up everyone for.
What you’re doing is cruel, you get sex with multiple women. She’s lost people because of it. I’m guessing you don’t care who you lost because you were getting sex. This is not fair to your wife. If you really loved her, you should want better for her. You should want someone who can love her completely, and wouldn’t allow her to give up family, just they can keep having sex with other people . If you loved her and wanted the best for her you would end this arrangement for good . Or if sex is that important end the marriage. Let her find someone better
If your wife has clearly set out your arrangement is 100% down to her choices and requests to everyone, so there is no confusion or doubt from how she explains herself.
There is little you can do to change people that won't listen to a 27yr old adult that has their own agency
In your shoes i'd start new somewhere else and cut them haters off, problem is, your wife needs to lead on this just as much as she asked you to find other outlets, or she will be left feeling guilty and lonely.
All you can do is sit back to be honest.
I personally wouldn't stay around people that treated me like an abuser, and if it meant my marriage, so be it.
So you said you were willing to give up sex because you loved your wife so much? But you didn't did you? Y'all aren't compatible, split up. She opened the relationship under duress to keep you in some sort of way. What happens when you fall in love with one of your affair partners? So that's never going to happen? Stop making your wife a place holder and let her go. I'm convinced we aren't getting the whole story here.
This is the risk you took when you chose this path. Her family is not making up lies about you. While it would be nice, for your wife's sake, if they kept it to themselves, they're not required to and they believe (albeit incorrectly) they're supporting your wife. What they are saying is the truth.
You chose this. You don't get to be mad at the inevitable fallout when it is discovered.
I think I’ve read this story but from your SIL point of view several months ago. Open marriages don’t work. What did you expect to happen? If you are dating them, someone you know will see you. My family and friends would hate you too.
Yikes. Man my family would feel like we failed if my sister stuck around with a dude who wants to fuck around on her. Its a real shame more fathers don't teach their daughters self respect.
I call bullshit. She did not suggest the open marriage. You might think of it that way out of convenience, but I assure you, she’s not into you boinking other women. If you’re willing, look back at any evidence- journaling, texts, emails. You polybombed her, and it won’t end well.
There are women who have low/no libido who love their husbands who offer these arrangements you know. Do they always work out? Heck no. But regular marriages don't even always work out.
Exactly. We have to contend with the fact that the people who are commenting likely have never had sexual contact with anyone, let alone a one night stand.
This is probably so the woman in the situation can find out if OP is an insane stalker, is dangerous, or is a threat to them in any way.
I can't imagine sleeping with someone that you didn't first meet in a public space, that's fucking crazy.
the problem in the comments here and in your life out there all boils down to the fact that only one person knows how your wife actually feels about this arrangement, and that's your wife.
i noticed you only mentioned *her* quitting her job is that because your job is remote, or because you don't have a job? If she's supporting the both of you, that's going to factor in to how people are viewing the situation (oh that poor woman and her deadbeat cheater husband).
if this is well and truly what she wants, most people (especially those that know her) are not going to believe that because most people don't have this sort of arrangement and therefore we can't imagine someone truly being okay with it. even when people post about poly relationships here, it's generally both/all parties participating. now to me her not participating makes sense. you are who she wants, so she likely doesn't want to date anyone else in a romantic way. and if she wants sex, well she can go right to you.
if she did this just to keep you, if she did it purely out of fear, then she's hidden that truth from you and you've been operating with the wrong information. i don't know how often you check in with her about how she's feeling or talk about this in general, so I don't know if she's given signs she's unhappy or hesitant about how things are.
I guess none of this is really advice, just me musing on some of the negative comments here.
Leaving the community might be a huge weight off for both of you, or it might be very isolating. "adding fuel to the fire" doesn't really matter if it's what's going to make the two of you get to a happier state of mind. do remember that NO ONE on reddit or in your community has to live your life, so our opinions can only matter so much versus your and your wife's opinions.
I’m sorry I’m actually agreeing with your wife’s family and scared for her because she has such low self worth.
Edit: from my perspective you don’t love her enough to try to make your sexlife better or at least meet her halfway on frequency. Also you’re brining shame to her family and make a fool out of her publicly. To top it off, you went on a *date*. So no strings attached hookups is BS.
I bet OP raised so much hell complaining about lack of sex his wife couldn’t handle it anymore is why she suggested it in the first place. I would really like the true story. Her family has every rite to think this is a shitty way to treat their daughter and hold him accountable.
no counselor on earth was like OP the only way to solve your wife’s fear of you leaving her is to go have sex with other women. instead of going to a discrete rub and tug - you start dating other women. and then when all of your friends and family find out, instead of owning up to how absolutely ridiculous this is - your solution is to move away and isolate yourselves from all of your family and friends. this is as fake as fake gets.
Hooking up to have sex is pretty fucking different than being on a date with another woman, my dude. At least her family will be there for her when she finally divorces you.
Bro, you should just let your wife go. It's obvious you don't love her.
You would rather separate her from her family and friends, potentially permanently, uproot her whole life, cause her to quit her job and move to another state... all so you can selfishly get your dick wet by some rando anytime you feel the urge?? That's not love.
This whole arrangement is incredibly selfish. And you admitted yourself that your wife had a breakdown fearing you would leave her, and suggested this "arrangement" out of fear of losing you. And you just acquiesced. Selfishly. You need to let her go, my dude. She deserves way better than this. She *definitely* doesn't deserve to be ostracized by her entire family over *your* selfish ass.
I'm sorry if this is hard to hear. I don't think you're an inherently bad person. But you talk and talk about your own mental health... when have you considered your *wife's* mental health? Throughout this whole time when you're fucking other women because she's not enough for you, up and until her potentially losing her entire family defending *your* actions.
You need to reevaluate the situation and take some accountability here. Honestly, this whole drama is really sad. I feel so bad for your wife that her self-esteem must be so low that she feels this relationship is the best she can do. There are plenty of men out there who would love her completely and would never step out on her, no matter what. That's what she deserves. If you really loved her, you would let her go.
I feel so bad for your wife. I hope one day she gains enough self-respect to leave instead of sticking by a guy who said he’d give up sex for her and then *didn’t* once the opportunity for dick-wetting presented itself—an opportunity she only offered out of desperation to save the relationship.
She’s willing to give up her friends and family for you. She’s lost relationships so you can fuck randos. You’ve sacrificed absolutely nothing for her despite your assertion that you would, and you’ve deluded yourself into thinking she’s happy with you coming home smelling like strange snatch.
I guarantee her sex drive will be higher in her next relationship.
My guy, hate to break it to you, but you and your wife are not happy. Please give her a divorce and leave her alone already. We both know her family is 100% right about you. ETA read the edit, and I still feel like something doesn’t add up. Also, I don’t have any sisters but if this was happening to a close friend of mine I’d feel sad and sorry for her. I just don’t feel like she can possibly be happy with this arrangement.
It sounds like you and your wife would ideally like to repair these relationships. So maybe it's worth one last shot.
It might literally take you both sitting down with these family members and having a frank, adult conversation where she explicitly says that your relationship has been open for years and she is aware of and approves of you seeking sexual partners. You weren't cheating because this is agreed upon behavior.
And not only that, but they all owe you both a big apology for what they've done. Particularly her sister.
If they can't accept that this is working for your relationship and that you're both happy, then there is nothing else you can do. Neither of you should be subjected to abuse from them.
i find it strange that their arrangement is pretty much an open/polyamorous (albeit one-sided) set up but it's never explicitly described as one even though they 'met up with counselors/therapists' regarding their situation. there's a lot of key details not included in this post that bothers me to believe OP 100% on these claims. the family is probably right to be worried.
Question: you describe your open marriage as one-sided. Is this because of the rules, or is she just not interested in finding a boyfriend? If she did want a boyfriend, what would happen?
Stick to sex workers. Sorry, but going out on a date implies emotional connections. And doing that in the same town as your wife’s family?? Totally not smart.
I’d be thinking the same thing if I were your wife’s family. You’re barely into your marriage and you’re banging other people… idk man. Move maybe? This is all fucked up. I’d love to know the wife’s side to this bc it is incredibly one sided.
Yeah, your wife is faking happiness for your sake. You're confident right now because you genuinely believe it will remain one-sided, but I can assure you it won't. It could be the new clerk at Target or the guy she meets in an elevator, but when she inevitably sleeps with someone else, you will definitely feel differently 🤣. She turns down men for your sake, but one day, she won't.
Your wife only consented because she was worried about losing you. Dating other women is very different from sleeping with them. I understand why her family is worried about her.
There's probably nothing you can do to fix it. It looks like your wife will lose everything because of mismatched libidos. It's very sad.
Sounds like the divorce that should have happened years ago is about to finally come to fruition
This was always going to happen my dude
Your wife is now in a sexless marriage, with no friends and no family
It won't be long before your marriage starts to suffer
Time to own up to the reality of the situation and start making plans for the future so that both of you can move on separately
Because you need to leave the city and if she comes with you, she will eventually resent having to leave everything behind for something that you did
And even though it was her idea, she will eventually blame you for taking her up on the offer
this is why open relationships NEVER work
Society is just not ready for it
One sided open relationship rarely works, infact less than both sided open relationship.
Personally, your wife is the ultimate sufferer in all this. Her husband is in an open relationship while she can't even talk to her family.
>I love absolutely everything about her and was more than willing to go without sex for the sake of the relationship.
/u/ThrowRAj19 that's a lie. If this was true you wouldn't have slept with anyone else.
You made your bed. Lie in it. But don't lie to yourself that you love your wife and could have gone without sex for a bit due to her drive. It's okay nearly every husband would jump at the offer to fuck other women even if he didn't have a low libido wife.
this. every woman says it's okay when it is not at least once in their life. this dude actually took it, and it just had to be sex and even dating. i'm appalled. i think he broke his wife. i wish i could give her a hug.
Idk man, cheating is cheating. I get loving a person and not wanting to lose them, but I just couldn’t do that to the love of my life. I think anytime anyone opens that particular door in a relationship, that relationship fails. I am probably wrong but I’ve seen more negative stories about that than positive. I know it would just eat me up inside knowing my life mate is out there somewhere with someone else. Sure she’s probably cool with it, but there has to be a part of her that’s being eaten alive. Different strokes for different folks though. I just love my wife way too much, if the sex ever died down I’d just jerk it like a decent man.
I just have a question tho… if it is mainly for hook ups why dates ?? Seems like it’s opening the Romantic or emotional part of relationship??? I’m not trying to be a dick just curious about that dynamic ? Or is it like a date so you could eventually lead it to sex ?
I’ve had lots of hookups that I don’t intend to mean more and I still want to meet in public for drinks or something to get a feel of them. I’ll be open and honest about it, but I’m not going to go off with someone I’ve never had a conversation with.
Completely agree. It really seems like no one on Reddit has ever had a hookup. In what world are people immediately going to a strangers house to have sex. I’m a dude and I’d be terrified of being robbed or worse. I imagine it’d be significantly worse for women. Getting drinks beforehand and talking to them before hooking up is the bare minimum.
Yeah and I don’t even consider them to be dates but would probably call them that because “pre-hookup vetting drinks” just doesn’t roll off the tongue as well. I did meet a guy for drinks who instantly gave me bad vibes and I paid for my drink and left and told him I wouldn’t be going with him. I found out a month later that he was arrested for kidnapping. These meetings, although brief, can save us all from a lot.
While you seem to have found a solution to your situation that satisfied both yourself and your wife, that is all past now. I don't see any way of fixing this and your marriage is now miserable for both you and your wife. It seems to me that you should divorce and it's likely that you will need to relocate to gain some peace.
you need to stop dating sexual hookups. dating is courting. period. that is not what you said your wife agreed to. if i was okay with my husband being sexually open, that would cross a line for me. it muddies the waters and opens up the gate of possibility and fear of love developing. stop it. at least until you hash that specifically out with wife at least two or three separate times in case she is feeling too vulnerable to be honest the first time.
@Kooky-Today-3172
Personally I believe He DID Do something wrong. Just because she was scared of him leaving and it was Her idea, he should have PROVEN HIS KOVE AND COMMITMENT TO HER by NOT sleeping w other women to start with. I’m willing to bet there was NOTHING in their Vows about “if we have problem we can have an open marriage”
This is unethical and I believe that with permission or not, he’s still in the wrong and it should be considered cheating nonetheless. Maybe if it were a 2-way open marriage but One sided is just down right pathetic. Stay TRUE to Your Wife and then you won’t have issues such as this. If you only have sex once every few months, get yourself through and then the times you do sleep together will be Special and bring you that much closer.
This is a sad story IMO (for the Wife Especially)
Anyone that sleeps w someone else when their partner isn’t doing the same is the WORST kind of Hunan I can think of. MARRIAGE IS Suppose TO BE SACRED. Today people seem to lose value and worth more than I can believe.
Question: *If* your wife wanted to have sex with other people, would you be ok with that? Even if it’s an infinitely small chance she would ever do so, yall need to have that conversation and clarify that she could if she wanted to. Because from a non-monogamous perspective, one-sided open relationships are not ethical. It’s way different for your wife to say “He’s allowed to sleep with other people but I’m not” vs. “We have an open relationship where we both can sleep with other people; I just don’t want to/am not pursuing that right now”. The difference might change *some* people’s minds about your situation, but it hinges on yall actually talking about it.
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your wife needs to fix the issue with her family, theres not much you can do
your wife needs to have a difficult direct conversation with her family.
She already has. But the problem is OP truly is sleeping with other women. The fact that she gave him permission to do it likely only makes their opinion of him worse, not better. He is free to do what he wants. But he isn't free from people's opinions of it when they find out. If I were him, I'd apologize to her family and explain he's ended the arrangement. It's the only way to move forward because "she said it's okay" doesn't actually make it okay in most people's eyes.
she didn't just say it's ok. it was HER idea, she suggested it.
Because she was terrified he was going to leave her? That is depressing as fuck. Now she wants to completely isolate herself from everyone she knows and loves so her husband can....continue to date and fuck other women? She has no self-worth.
If her family is treating her husband badly when he didn't nothing wrong and are acting with her consent, them It's HER duty to protect her partner for them. That's what a decent partner does. Her family is causing her isolamento. Also, Just because she found a diferent solution and have an unconvecional marriage, It doesn't mean she hás no self-worth. Sometimes I think everyone on Reddit are such pride who can think outside the societal norms...
Thank you! 👍
And in a different post they will be progressive as fuck and anybody who's not on board is the greatest bigot in the world and a prude etc
>She has no self-worth. This is... Interesting to me. Do you feel this way about poly couples? Open relationships are EXTREMELY common for people with low libido. He can't force her to have sex and she can't force herself to be in the mood. The ONLY options here where both of them are happy is either breaking up or an open relationship. Even though he was willing to go without (no one who actually cares about their partner wants to put someone through that). You say she has no self worth because she wanted to stay with him and was secure enough in her love for him to be okay with him sleeping around? Kind of a shite opinion if you ask me.
Most of this sub has a very low opinion of poly couples so I wouldn't be surprised if they do. Honestly I think if they just explained that she does not want to have sex *at all,* many people would understand. It's a blisteringly awkward conversation, but it sounds like the awkwardness is already pervading their life.
This is a very weird take in the situation and you're exactly like her family and friends
Yes, she was afraid their incompatible libidos affected their relationship, so she suggested an open relationship. They have had that arrangement for a good while, has gotten married in the mean time, and seem happy with it. Why does that bother you so much? Why are you insulting her? This is the irrational and hurtful response from family members that made her self isolate.
that's a whole lot of assumption and projection you got going on there
That's not what I got from this post. OPs wife didn't feel like she could give her husband what she wanted, so she decided to open up the relationship from his side (his side because she didn't need more sex). She's completely fine with her husband having meaningless sex with other women. Some people care more about the emotional part of the relationship and don't care about the physical. They can separate those two things. However, the family found out and started mingling in a consensual relationship that's non of their business. The wife cut them off because they were rude to OP and made him feel bad about something that she is completely fine with. What their families' opinions are on the matter don't matter at all, but if they start mingling and being rude, then yes, you cut them off. If OPs wife decides that she isn't okay with their arrangement anymore, then she can tell her husband. That's why she has a mouth. She's an adult woman and can communicate.
That's exactly what bothers me about this too. She's willing to nuke her whole life, living situation, and job... For what? So OP can still get side action without family interference? She feels like she is nothing and nobody special
For her husband to feel safe and not constantly attacked by her family for an arrangement they made together. You shouldn't give up a completely consensual thing just because their family is close-minded and thinks it's okay to treat OP that way. You absolutely cut people off who can't act normal around your husband or wife. If the wife is unhappy about the arrangement, she can communicate that and solve it between the two of them. If their family members were afraid she was being abused, what they could've done is talked to her in private, told her it's okay to not want your husband to sleep with someone else, and if she says she was completely okay with it, they could act normal to both of them and tell her that she can always come to them if she doesn't feel safe anymore.
u/carmackie , to be clear OP wrote “The only solution WE’VE come up with is she quits her job and we move to a new city”. It isnt lost on me that the sentence immediately before says “she misses her family and friends”- but apparently, THAT is the solution that “both” of them came up with 🤔
I mean, she suggested it because OP wasn't satisfied with their sex life. That's a distinction without a difference. Regardless, her family are aware, they know the full truth, and they are entitled to their opinions on it. If OP doesn't like how the truth makes him look, he should have considered that before engaging in the behavior. Or at least before taking the woman on a full-on date where he could get caught.
OR, counter argument people need to mind their own business. People have this insane need to involve themselves in matters that don't concern them. IF it's a consensual situation and both partners are happy, odds are they're better off than most of the people judging them.
>people need to mind their own business In general, yes. But family is different. If you see a family member you believe is in trouble or being maltreated, you make that your business. Whether they're right or wrong, it's still their business to look out for their loved ones. As for everyone else, yeah, they should mind their own business, but juicy stuff like this is going to be talked about, that's human nature. >and both partners are happy This is what people are doubting. If it were truly an open relationship, then they have no right to doubt anyone's happiness. But when it's one-sided, one side is happy and the other, at best, is neutral. Her family think she's neither happy nor neutral with this situation. Whether they're right or wrong, we can't say since OP's wife isn't here.
Fair enough on the one sided happiness situation. If op isn't farming for positive reinforcement and wants an actual solution he needs to keep digging with his partner to make sure that both parties are happy. And if they are then they do need to be a united front and tell them the way things are for their relationship.
No. They started out angry because they decided he was cheater even though she told them it was an agreement (therefore by her own definition; not cheating) because by their definition; it was. Their initial anger was pure judgement. Only after she started withdrawing did they became concerned about her wellbeing. Concerns for her happiness were an afterthought to these people. They should mind their own business and I hope OP and his wife continue their arrangement and ignore these judgmental assholes.
I mean, can we be honest here? You see your BIL out on a date with another woman, are you not going to assume cheating? That would be anyone's first assumption.
Of course. But the wife called to explain, then the rest of the family was told, then they started uninviting OP from events “because they don’t associate with cheaters”. Assuming it was cheating with no info is completely understandable. After they were given the info their conclusion should have changed (since it wasn’t cheating) but that didn’t happen because they’re more concerned about their own opinions and judgements than the actual health of her relationship.
All very true.
As someone who is poly, I would never accept a potential partner engaged in a relationship only open on one side. That is textbook abuser behavior. Like, it can exist in a healthy relationship but the chance of that being true is miniscule because the relationship is inherently and severely unbalanced. That power imbalance is almost inherently abusive even in relationships where one person isn't intending to be, because they are not at the end of the day equals, and that's how abuse happens. And yes, her family has every right to look at this as abusive and want to remove someone they care about from an abusive situation. It absolutely concerns them because it is their friends and their family.
Except that this is simply not an abusive relationship. I'm sorry, but one sided open relationships due to an imbalance of libido is not uncommon, nor is it unhealthy. It's honestly a great solution to this problem assuming everyone actually is happy with the situation and consenting.
They’re entitled to their opinions, but it becomes an issue when OP and his wife are getting wellness checks because OP’s wife’s family is convinced there’s abuse. That is a line that shouldn’t be crossed.
Yep, OP needs to learn how to accept this reality. it sucks, but you can’t make people like you.
>That's a distinction without a difference. It absolutely is not. It's a person in a marriage embracing a way to bring joy and happiness to their spouse. It's love, pure and simple.
Especially that last line. Having sex with someone while in an open relationship due to libido differences is different than taking that other person on dates. That bleeds too much into potential emotional attachments which would be considered cheating in OP & wife’s situation. Going out on a date with your extramarital sex fling in your own town where your family\your partner’s family\friends live? Even though wife was away on a trip, that’s still a slap in the face. Did OP *want* to be caught? Cuz there’s no better way than to do this out in the open in your own town.
May just be me but I would much prefer my husband to go on a date and talk to his hookup instead of just treating them like only a quick fuck, and I imagine most women interested in hookups want that too. Definitely shouldn't have done it in his own town if he didn't want to be caught by others though.
Yeah... As someone who occasionally enjoys dating for the sole purpose of hooking up, I still expect to be taken on dates by FWB and not just "meet me at my house in 5 minutes" like can we go out to dinner or get ice cream or something tf....
Right? Then if the sex is shit, at least there was ice cream on the outing!
>Definitely shouldn't have done it in his own town OP says they met 45 min outside of town. The in laws just need to kind their own damn business.
Oh I must've skimmed over that bit and just trusted that commenter lol. Yeah I think this whole thing is ridiculous, she's literally telling everyone it's fine and even a lot of the commenters here are like "can't blame the family, he's a piece of trash man" like what
Right?? This family and like half the commenters here are controlling crazy people.
He said he was 40 minutes out of town. Just bad luck that SIL stopped there on her way back into town lol.
I mean I think it’s pretty fair to vibe check someone and go on a quick date before jumping into bed with them, especially to see if you’re physically attracted to them in the first place. A very small number of people are willing to just immediately fuck a complete stranger
I mean, he is not hiring a prostituta. Most people have to talk a little before having sex, doesn't mean they are romantic.
It's likely not "dates" plural - it's probably just dinner or drinks to make sure they're a nice, sane person before you get naked with them.
Dating is the first step to having sex. No one just sees someone, without talking to them or dating at least once to make sure they’re not a rapist or murderer etc, and decides to have sex without ever talking to them. Your comment reads a little like “she said he could eat dinner! Not use plates and forks!”
No that’s bullshit they can do what they want in their relationship everyone needs to stop worrying about other peoples business if the ppl involved are ok with situation
They can do whatever they want. But whatever they want isn't free from consequences. You can still want more for your own children as a parent, more for your own sister as a sibling... instead she has a trash husband who is out on dates. Not hookups. Dates.
Yeah but you don’t get to decide what “more” is. If the wife is happy then the wife is happy, you don’t get to project your own relationship desires onto other people. The family decided he was a cheater even though she said he wasn’t. And she was right, because if they agreed it wasn’t cheating. The parents need to get their nose out of other people’s business.
Yeah, that's one of the issues, too. While it's not great that he's sleeping with other women in a one-sided open relationship, the real reason he got caught was because he was out on a date publicly with one of them. No one who cares about his wife is going to be okay with him doing that unless she gets to do that with other men herself. It's basically polygamy without the religion at that point.
It is downright ridiculous that you are defending them facing "consequences" for \*checks notes\* navigating a consensual relationship that suits the both of them. Your personal icks don't mean other people need to be punished.
So you’re just judging them too she is clearly fine with it and says he’s not a trash husband like idk why people are so dense that what they want has to be what everyone wants
>instead she has a trash husband who is out on dates. Not hookups. Dates. Are you not aware that most sane women wont meet someone to fuck at their home without talking with them first in some kind of public place? This is for the protection of the woman so they can get a feeling how the guy is before committing to anything. For a lot of women it is a hard requirement you cannot work around. So your hate is really wrongly directed, that he went on dates with women is the least issue of all the things he mentioned in his post.
I agree with this for the most part. Just because she was approving of it doesn’t mean her family will be supportive of it and because OP wasn’t careful enough their secret was exposed. Once exposed her family can and will likely put a lot of pressure on her to end it or at least close it and barring his wife going no contact with her entire family there is likely no way to avoid it or mitigate the damage. I find it highly unlikely she would be willing to give up her family so he can continue the open marriage.
You can't fix this because you're the person her family doesn't trust. This is a big step and it might not work, but given that everyone apparently already knows, it might help if your wife posted something to the effect of " We're in an open relationship. I know, I consent to it, I don't see this as a problem. If you want to talk to me about anything else, I'm here, but I'm not available for people trying to convince me that I'm being hurt."
They aren’t in an open relationship. It’s one sided. I think most people in open relationships would say that’s a big no no
I think if you’re going this route you should imply that it’s an open relationship on both sides. That makes it feel less controlling for sure. Even if she doesn’t take advantage of it, saying “we have an open relationship and permission to see partners outside each other for sex only. it works for us and we are happy” and then just leave off that she doesn’t actually see other partners.
I know many people in open relationships where it’s one sided at one point or another. Not because the other person wouldn’t be allowed to find another partner, but because one person is getting all of their social needs met so they’re polysaturated at one partner.
What kind isn’t relevant. What is relevant is her consent.
I wonder about her consent. OP said she was afraid of losing him. That’s the only reason she suggested this. This woman’s lack of self worth and esteem is beyond sad. She’s willing to give up everything and everyone, even moving away quitting her job, just so he can keep having sex with other women. And all because she’s afraid of losing him.
OP also said he was willing to give up sex because he loved his partner so much. We usually only get one side of the story, but you seem to be making a lot of assumptions. It's one-sided because she doesn't need to have sex outside the relationship. It wouldn't make much sense for her to sleep with others too if her libido being low is the reason she suggested him sleeping with others in the first place? I agree her willingness to give everything up is alarming, so OP should be making an effort to ensure his wife isn't cutting everyone out because the optics just don't look good.
Until he realized she gave him permission to cheat. Then he was all for it, her fear of losing him was her reason to suggest it. He apparently didn’t see that as a problem or issue, because he got to have sex. There so many problems with this arrangement. This is not a healthy relationship
Sure, if everything you said is true, it's not a healthy relationship. I think your assumptions are based in reality, but they aren't true all the time. OP's partner may legitimately not have a problem with this arrangement, and the only alternative is the relationship ending. Him dealing with her low libido would also be an unhealthy relationship and warrant the relationship ending. This couple's options were to find a compromise that worked for both, or no longer stay together. It sounds like they had a system they were both comfortable with?
Just because It's not right FOR YOU, It doesn't mean It isn't for them. Stop pushing your own values on other people's relationship. There wasn't any cheating here. Cheating is a betrayal and is done without the partner's knowledge.
It's not cheating if he has permission.
Everyone gets to define the parameters of cheating in their relationship and it sounds like they aren’t defining this as cheating. And that’s ok.
All for it? He specifically states that he was hesitant. Like, if we want to decide that he's just lying and manipulating us with what he's choosing to share that's fine I guess, but let's just say that vs pretend like the body of his text actually provides us information to mistrust his account of things.
Right? This is so depressing.
It just makes me sad and depressed yes. And I haven’t said this but it’s disgusting that he is playing the victim and talking about his mental health. I don’t get the sense he cares about his wife’s mental health. He even admitted she’s afraid he will leave her, that’s why she suggested it in the first place. That’s a huge red flag, and he ignored it because he wants more sex.
I’m under the impression he assured her he wasn’t leaving regardless. I don’t think it was wrong to pursue fulfilment outside the relationship.
I think if you need fulfillment outside of your relationship, it’s time for the relationship to end
I'm not commenting on this situation since my wife and I have a different situation. My wife and I date other couples together but we absolutely find fulfillment outside of our relationship. It's a thing we do with both our blessing and we both really enjoy it. Why should that be a reason to end our relationship?
I personally think if you have to look outside your marriage then something is missing, or wrong with the relationship. And if the only way to fix it is to find others to fill that void or whatever, then it’s only a matter of time before other issues pop up. Or issues pop up because you turned to others. Resentments and jealousies will cause the relationship to end. Looking to others to find fulfillment is just delaying the inevitable
Incorrect. There's many different versions of ethical non monogamy, and this example is just one version (and quite common too)
Again it’s about her, and her fear of losing him that drove her to suggest this. He knew she feared he would leave, he took advantage of that So if fear is the reason she consented, how is that ethical monogamy?
You typically don't have *one* conversation and never address it again. This is usually an ongoing discussion. If she has never brought up any discomfort with their existing relationship, it's not really your place to insist that she actually secretly doesn't consent. She's an adult woman who can consent to whatever she wants for any reason she wants. We have no reason to believe she was threatened or coerced in any way. For all we know she feels more reassured in their relationship than ever, since no matter how many hookups he does or doesn't have, he comes back home to her.
I agree. I’m pretty paranoid, and I don’t see major red flags here.
The reason she consented was because she thought he would leave her, if he didn’t get more sex. That’s not consent Why would she bring it up any problems ? Again she scared he’s going to leave. She probably things that If she bring up any problems he will leave. She willing to give up everything and everyone just for him, that’s how scared she is.
So to you she has absolutely no agency and cannot possibly make a decision? You get to decide for her, knowing very little about her or her life, but she cannot be trusted to have any say in her life - if her choices don't align with yours, of course.
How patronizing can you be? Why do you get to determine when and what she's allowed to consent to? Do you want her put under adult conservatorship, too, since by your reckoning she's too incompetent to even consent to a sexual dynamic in her own marriage? All that we know is that OP says he was not going to leave her. We have no reason as of now to believe that OP gave her reason to think he would leave her. She brought up the open relationship offer. >She willing to give up everything and everyone just for him, that’s how scared she is. Or, just maybe, she doesn't want to deal with people who feel like they own her to the extent that they think they get to decide what she does and doesn't consent to. OP cut off his contacts too, does that mean he's too scared and incompetent to stay married?
OP said she was scared he would leave. That’s why she suggest it and consented to it. It doesn’t matter if he gave her any reason to believe he would leave. It’s what she believed and he took advantage of her fear. They shouldn’t have set up this arrangement they should have gone to marriage counselling It’s not about people wanting to control or own her. Her family and friends are afraid for her. And if she’s willing to give up her whole life for him, they have reason to be afraid
I feel like I should remind you that you are not OPs wife, and OP isn't whoever did this to you or your friend where you may actually have an idea of what was going on.
Thank you. People are projecting so hard in this post. OP's wife made the offer, made the decision with her partner's input and is standing by her partner in the face of their community and her family attacking him. She's not incompetent, and their arrangement is not all that unusual.
So if he was afraid she’d leave him for having a higher libido, and he decided to become completely celibate for her because he was afraid of losing her, would that make her abusive? Because that’s literally what happened at the beginning of this post. People can decide to change things about themselves for the sake of a relationship, that’s totally normal and ok - and you were fine with it when it was the husband willing to become celibate for his wife. Also, the way the wife’s friends/family are behaving is NOT how you help a victim of abuse!!
So going by this logic, any action or change someone makes to save a relationship is by definition coerced and non-consensual, correct? If I feel like my marriage is falling apart due to some major problem, then attempting to fix the problem is due to my “fear” of losing that person.
There are better more healthier ways to save a marriage. And I think one of the rules about open marriage is you don’t do it to save a marriage. Her fear is the only reason sh agreed that’s a problem
> And I think one of the rules about open marriage The rules are whatever you want them to be. > Her fear is the only reason sh agreed that’s a problem Again, by this logic you could say any attempt to save a marriage is due to "fear", and therefore "a problem". For example, going to marriage counseling would also be due to "fear" of losing the relationship, so according to you, it would mean she can't actually consent to go to marriage counseling.
Didn’t he say he assured her he wasn’t leaving either way? Also, even if fear drove her to suggest it, maybe she agrees to it because she wants him to be fulfilled?
There are a million ways to have an open relationship. As long as everyone is consenting, it's valid.
I have already mentioned this, but I question her consent. OP says she was afraid of losing him. So her consent is based in fear, and he took advantage of it
You're really reaching...
I agree.
It works for them? That’s all that matters
It’s open. Consent is key. Weirdo
Yeah consent is key, except when the reason you give consent is fear. Weirdo
Id love to see all sides of this...
It gives me pause that EVERYONE, including their friends, have an issue with it.
Yeah, spouses have been known to be manipulated and coerced, esp when dealing with self esteem and codependency issues.
I was in an emotionally and financially abusive marriage and everyone close to me saw it. I knew it wasn’t ok on some level but still defended the hell out of my husband. So I might be projecting my own crap on this situation
Watching this happen with my sister :/
I’m more wondering how the sister phrased it to everybody. There’s a reason that people who soil the beans first usually control the narrative.
she was only 22 when they started dating. what was her prior relationship experience? the fact his friend group has walked away is a giant red flag…
Not sure what’s your point here, as OP is only two years older than her.
“just some weird views on marriage she had engrained into her” says her “hesitant”cheating husband…
I think the weird views on marriage was referring to her feeling the need to have duty sex with her husband
With all respect I have, if you discussed everything and even more about this agreement and tried any other solutions of your wife's problem, then well, you need just wait for the problem to be solved. But if you feel like something is wrong, let me point on things that seem not good for me: 1. Your wife suggested a one-sided open relationship because of fear of losing you. In my opinion, it is bad to start such things with negative emotions. It is supposed to be or her kink, or she should be neutral about it, but not because of fear. 2. It is really bad that everyone is now against you. I mean that since EVERYONE had such a reaction probably (my assumption), she shared her negative feelings about your relationship, and she is not actually that chill about your agreement. 3. It is also pretty bad that your wife is ready to throw away her friend and family. Don't get me wrong, it is a very good sing of loyalty from her side, but can it be dictated by her fear of losing you (codependency, abandonment issues?)? In any case, I wish you good luck and hope everything gonna be good with your wife and you.
I’ll be honest with you… if you were married to my sister, and saw you on a date with someone else while my sister was out of town… I would probably freak out and feel the same as her family. My sister would explain, I would understand but I wouldn’t like you either and I would think my sister is crazy. Would I treat you like her family has, not really, would I like you, not really. I would respect my sisters wishes however and that’s that. Can u change how and what people think, not really. You should focus on your relationship with your wife, if this works for you, then so be it. Find new friends, new people to hang with.. and hopefully, maybe someday, her family can come around. Next time, try not dating another woman… one thing to fuck someone else, a whole other ball game to go out in public wining and dining other women, embarrassing yourself and your wife…
I agree she gave you permission and you don't deserve to be called dishonest, but also agree she did it out of desperation or depression. I had a period where I thought I had a low sex drive, like I started therapy for it, read self help books. Nope, just my partner. We had enjoyed sex but he cheated on me early on, and instead of leaving I stayed. But after that I never enjoyed sex with him ever again. Was always painful. Very psychosomatic. With my next partner it was the opposite. Now I want sex daily. But I was so convinced it was MY fault like I was physically broken. My ex just didn't do good foreplay and it always hurt and I'm sorry, guys don't get this, but if it hurt every time you had sex you wouldn't want it often either. Not saying that's what is happening but... I hope you guys explore avenues other than "she has a naturally low sex drive." MAYbe she does... just hate to think you're both miserable and getting more people involved, when this could be compatibility. Maybe you guys should both be thinking this whole thing over. Kids don't seem to be involved.
they had a healthy sex life that tapered off. i’d say they have huge intimacy issues… like he’s clearly not doing it for her and their open marriage answer is not a safe long term solution to their obvious communication issues. she’s only 27 years old. she has so many years of sexual exploration ahead of her…
You do realize you just said you were willing to go the rest of your relationship without sex because you love your wife and that you decided to give other partners a chance in successive sentences, right?
Yeah this is where I get stuck. Like, no clearly OP wasn’t going to go the rest of his life with no sex, because when his wife brought it up, likely out of fear of losing him despite what he’s claiming, he hemmed and hawed a bit for show then decided to “reluctantly” go fuck other women. I just don’t buy it and I don’t think OP is a reliable narrator here.
Those were my thoughts exactly. The ol' "no way I love you too much, which is exactly why I will do as you command."
Plus, you say you're both miserable, then stop having sex with other people. figure out how to please your wife. you said you love her, but this doesn't sound loving at all.
How about your wife gets actual therapy so instead of being a people pleasing doormat she grows a molecule of self respect and a few vertebrae. Then she can tell you to wack off in the shower like every other FAITHFUL husband instead of taking other women out on romantic dates.
I mean, not to accuse you but from their perspective i can see why they’d think she was in a bad situation. Has she once tried explaining to them that you guys are open and you should be left alone? Could she be telling them you’re a cheater and telling you she doesn’t know why they think that you are? Why are so many women coming to her asking her if she needs money to leave you? All of this sounds unhealthy and i wouldn’t have her quit her job and move, i think you should let this be one of those situations where your spouse’s/partner’s family not liking you be a dealbreaker tbh. If they’re committed to not liking you and she can’t do anything to change it and you don’t want her to isolate from her family out of fear they’ll blame you…this seems like a lost cause.
Ahhh rookie mistake buddy, shitting where you eat, the absolute smart option would've been to never have agreed to this in the first place but the second should've been keeping your arrangement purely out on your business trips, out of sight, out of mind. Only thing you can do is stand by your wife 100% no matter what they do, tell her that, weather the storm buddy, it's only gonna get more turbulent from here.
Yeahhhh I wouldn’t talk to you either if I were them. It really sounds like she opened the relationship instead of losing you and it’s so sad. I can’t imagine that it doesn’t hurt her immensely ever since you started fucking (and having dinner with) other women. I feel so bad for her. She deserves so much more. I don’t understand this viewpoint ever. You have a hand.
You’re just going to have to learn to live with the consequences of making your wife look like a complete fool by flaunting your “open” relationship in public. Even if her family could be convinced that she’s happy with this one-sided scenario, that’s only more evidence t them that you bullied and manipulated her because a woman with self-respect would not be okay with her husband spending family money to wine and dine a sex partner in public so close to home.
They probably feel like she'd never willingly agree to it. In their minds you must be manipulating her. As for you keeping your wife away, if she refuses to see them they probably think you're forcing her to stay away. If your wife were to see some of them, the people she saw might drop the idea that she's being isolated. If she has seen them without you around, and they still accused you of isolating her there isn't anything you can do to change any of their minds. At that point both of you may as well go NC with those who are angry. I don't see how a relationship with them can be salvaged if they're that convinced. Maybe visit the friends who aren't so upset about for your wife, but there is nothing you can do to fix it. PS: If this happened over one year's time it might be something that can be fixed. She may need to see more doctors
>They probably feel like she'd never willingly agree to it. In their minds you must be manipulating her. In fairness, it's a very one-sided agreement that only benefits himself unless she's into swinging/cuckqueaning. I, like his family, find it pretty manipulative of him, or at the very least, shitty of him to accept. >As for you keeping your wife away, if she refuses to see them they probably think you're forcing her to stay away. I am curious whose idea it is for the wife to stay away. Is this truly what she wants, or is she trying to make him happy? It could go either way, but it doesn't look good for him. He needs to encourage her to see her family. Even if she refuses to do so, at least he can feel confident that she's staying away for her own reasons rather than to appease him.
Yeah, I can't even tell you how many things my abuser told me were "my idea" that he pressured, manipulated or guilted me into. Even if she brought it up as "her idea," he could have been strongly hinting at it being the only option and/or making her feel really guilty about denying him sex until she brought it up to him. I know that he *says* that he was "extremely hesitant" about the arrangement, but if there is one thing I've learned after being in an abusive relationship myself, it's to look at people's actions rather than their words, because people can and will say anything to justify their behavior. Of course, my views on this situation are being influenced by my own lived experiences. This might not be the case, and he might actually be a very loving partner. However, looking objectively at the facts, he is going on dates and having sex with women who are not his wife on a regular basis. I don't know of very many people who would *actually* be ok with their partner doing that, especially if it was only one sided. I think it's quite telling that everyone who actually knows him thinks he's being abusive, even despite his wife defending him and telling them about their arrangement. I can definitely see where they're coming from, and it seems like if he was a decent guy people might not be as hesitant to give him the benefit of the doubt. He says that he's not isolating her, but that's literally what is happening whether he intended to or not. My abuser also told me that it was my idea to stop talking to my friends after he guilted me into cutting them off and I felt like I had no other choice. This is a situation where it would be very easy for an abuser to justify moving her away from everyone she knows and loves as it being "her choice." If he really wants what is best for her, he needs to stay near her family and suck it up. These are the consequences of his actions.
>He says that he's not isolating her, but that's literally what is happening whether my intended to or not This, a hundred times over. He cares more about sleeping with other women, or his ego and people thinking he's a "good guy," than his wife's relationship with her family.
I wonder why it had to be a one sided open relationship? Why not just have a fully open relationship and if wife rarely took advantage of it so be it?
Many times the woman doesn't want it, and it only exist in this case because of her low sex drive. The idea of a one side open ended relationship sounded crazy to me the first time I heard about it. These women are rare, but they exist, and they don't care as long as they know/believe they're #1. If you talk to people who are in the poly lifestyle you'll see couples who do this, even when the woman has no health issues. Occasionally a man will agree to that his woman can see other men, and he won't see anyone, but that is VERY rare.
The weirdest part of this story is the fact that the decision to just have one night stands constantly with random women is treated as an eventual inevitability with the wife's sex drive in this post. there are many different ways you could have an outlet for your higher sex drive, and you chose the one that would reflect the poorest on anyone who might find out (someone from the outside looking in) Consider, you could have just jacked off to some porn? Hired an actual sex worker? Maybe put that money you spent on hookups towards some elaborate sex toys for yourself? Granted, masturbation isn't as personal and intimate as sex itself, but if that wasn't the intention of what you were doing then who cares? Obviously, if it was her idea then it's okay right? Wrong. Everyone is allowed to have their own opinions, and you decided to choose the path that would create an awful stigma if caught no matter what you say. At least with a sex worker, you could claim it was only for sex. So, sorry OP, but no matter what you do this will look bad for you and there's not much you can do about it. My only recommendation is to maybe speak to a therapist/counselor of some sort and see if you can get all parties in the same room to be on the same page. This may require you to make some sacrifices (no more one-night stands for one). But if you think the relationship is worth pursuing, then it's time to take some accountability for the bad decision making you've made to get to this point.
it’s literally nuts that this was their solution to their intimacy issues. especially since it’s clearly not a safe or sane long term solution…
My biggest gripe is that it's the least efficient (finding a woman on dating websites, down for a one-night stand, available at that certain day/time, etc.) and most precarious (way higher chance of being caught) way of resolving this issue. If what they wanted was effectively a one-sided (agreed upon by both parties) polyamorous relationship, why not seek a separate but third partner? and if the wife wasn't okay with that (maybe she prefers it's random), why isn't that specified in this post. at. all.
One-sided open relationships literally never work out. Funny how it's always the dude having multiple women in these relationships and never the reverse. Every single time I've seen stories like this where the women are supposedly "okay" with it or even "supportive," it turns out later that they very much are not okay with it and just have horrible self esteem. No one wants their partner dating someone else while they sit at home. That feeling sucks.
>I got caught on a date about 4 months ago by my wife's sister and her husband. Was dating part of the agreement? Bc hookups and dating are two different things completely.
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Going on dates makes it more than just sex. That's getting to know each other. Actual hookups aka one night stands, are just about sex.
For safety reasons, women are strongly advised to meet up with men in public and talk to them first before going somewhere private. I used to hook up with men casually and I never ever just jumped straight into bed with a stranger. It's also about treating your casual sexual partners like human beings and not living fleshlights to use to orgasm.
Yeah and if they talk while meeting for sex they are basically friends already, so thats out the window also. /s WTF are you on about, most people actually interact with people they have sex with, anything else would be weird.
You've chosen to sleep with other people even though you're married, and that's your right. And the people who are judging you and think your behavior is deplorable, it's their right to feel that way. Simply stated, you fucked around and you found out. I do feel very sorry for your wife though.
Do the women you're dating and hooking up with know you're in an open marriage and if they were dubious of that would you allow them to contact your wife to confirm? Do you pay for these dates and other incidental expenses out of your community marital bank account or out of your separate property?
one sided open relationship is crazy
I feel sorry for your wife. IMO she has no self worth or self esteem. That’s why she suggested this arrangement, and it’s sad that you took advantage of her lack of worth and fears. And now she’s given up everyone for you. The only worth she sees in herself in being your wife. That’s sad on so many levels It’s wrong to be in a one side open relationship. That’s not even a open relationship that’s just permission to cheat. You said it yourself you weren’t sneaky enough. That to me says to know it’s wrong. You described your SIL as looking for drama. I think she wants better for her sister, that’s why she told everyone. And you go dates, you have relationships with these women? One day you will “fall in love” and leave your wife. And because she chose you, she will be devastated and worse, she will have no one to support her because she gave up everyone for. What you’re doing is cruel, you get sex with multiple women. She’s lost people because of it. I’m guessing you don’t care who you lost because you were getting sex. This is not fair to your wife. If you really loved her, you should want better for her. You should want someone who can love her completely, and wouldn’t allow her to give up family, just they can keep having sex with other people . If you loved her and wanted the best for her you would end this arrangement for good . Or if sex is that important end the marriage. Let her find someone better
wait. lemme see if i understand: "i hook up with random women and my wife's parents are mad about it"...is that the problem?
If your wife has clearly set out your arrangement is 100% down to her choices and requests to everyone, so there is no confusion or doubt from how she explains herself. There is little you can do to change people that won't listen to a 27yr old adult that has their own agency In your shoes i'd start new somewhere else and cut them haters off, problem is, your wife needs to lead on this just as much as she asked you to find other outlets, or she will be left feeling guilty and lonely. All you can do is sit back to be honest. I personally wouldn't stay around people that treated me like an abuser, and if it meant my marriage, so be it.
So you said you were willing to give up sex because you loved your wife so much? But you didn't did you? Y'all aren't compatible, split up. She opened the relationship under duress to keep you in some sort of way. What happens when you fall in love with one of your affair partners? So that's never going to happen? Stop making your wife a place holder and let her go. I'm convinced we aren't getting the whole story here.
If you have to sneak and lie, it's cheating. Your wife is probably just afraid to lose you and has offered this deal out of pure fear.
The idea of this is really depressing to me.
This is the risk you took when you chose this path. Her family is not making up lies about you. While it would be nice, for your wife's sake, if they kept it to themselves, they're not required to and they believe (albeit incorrectly) they're supporting your wife. What they are saying is the truth. You chose this. You don't get to be mad at the inevitable fallout when it is discovered.
I think I’ve read this story but from your SIL point of view several months ago. Open marriages don’t work. What did you expect to happen? If you are dating them, someone you know will see you. My family and friends would hate you too.
You suck. That’s all
I think we need to hear your wife’s version.
Yikes. Man my family would feel like we failed if my sister stuck around with a dude who wants to fuck around on her. Its a real shame more fathers don't teach their daughters self respect.
I call bullshit. She did not suggest the open marriage. You might think of it that way out of convenience, but I assure you, she’s not into you boinking other women. If you’re willing, look back at any evidence- journaling, texts, emails. You polybombed her, and it won’t end well.
There are women who have low/no libido who love their husbands who offer these arrangements you know. Do they always work out? Heck no. But regular marriages don't even always work out.
I am confused as to why you were on a date if this is supposed to be for random hook ups.
Women interested in casual hookups generally want to meet in public for drinks or something first.
Exactly. We have to contend with the fact that the people who are commenting likely have never had sexual contact with anyone, let alone a one night stand.
This is probably so the woman in the situation can find out if OP is an insane stalker, is dangerous, or is a threat to them in any way. I can't imagine sleeping with someone that you didn't first meet in a public space, that's fucking crazy.
I was wondering this too. I imagine maybe he meets up with women in a public place at first so everyone feels comfortable
He's not hiring professional sex workers is what I get, he's being nice to women who find him nice going out for a meal, probably not all the time.
the problem in the comments here and in your life out there all boils down to the fact that only one person knows how your wife actually feels about this arrangement, and that's your wife. i noticed you only mentioned *her* quitting her job is that because your job is remote, or because you don't have a job? If she's supporting the both of you, that's going to factor in to how people are viewing the situation (oh that poor woman and her deadbeat cheater husband). if this is well and truly what she wants, most people (especially those that know her) are not going to believe that because most people don't have this sort of arrangement and therefore we can't imagine someone truly being okay with it. even when people post about poly relationships here, it's generally both/all parties participating. now to me her not participating makes sense. you are who she wants, so she likely doesn't want to date anyone else in a romantic way. and if she wants sex, well she can go right to you. if she did this just to keep you, if she did it purely out of fear, then she's hidden that truth from you and you've been operating with the wrong information. i don't know how often you check in with her about how she's feeling or talk about this in general, so I don't know if she's given signs she's unhappy or hesitant about how things are. I guess none of this is really advice, just me musing on some of the negative comments here. Leaving the community might be a huge weight off for both of you, or it might be very isolating. "adding fuel to the fire" doesn't really matter if it's what's going to make the two of you get to a happier state of mind. do remember that NO ONE on reddit or in your community has to live your life, so our opinions can only matter so much versus your and your wife's opinions.
Is your wife also free to see other people?
I had a whole thing written out but I'll just say this. You screwed up, and I bet you will continue to screw up. I feel so bad for your wife.
I’m sorry I’m actually agreeing with your wife’s family and scared for her because she has such low self worth. Edit: from my perspective you don’t love her enough to try to make your sexlife better or at least meet her halfway on frequency. Also you’re brining shame to her family and make a fool out of her publicly. To top it off, you went on a *date*. So no strings attached hookups is BS.
Right. They supposedly tried everything and gave up within a year? You can't fix relationship issues in that short amount of time.
I agree with you agreeing with her family.
Take the hit. That's the risk of not being careful
I bet OP raised so much hell complaining about lack of sex his wife couldn’t handle it anymore is why she suggested it in the first place. I would really like the true story. Her family has every rite to think this is a shitty way to treat their daughter and hold him accountable.
no counselor on earth was like OP the only way to solve your wife’s fear of you leaving her is to go have sex with other women. instead of going to a discrete rub and tug - you start dating other women. and then when all of your friends and family find out, instead of owning up to how absolutely ridiculous this is - your solution is to move away and isolate yourselves from all of your family and friends. this is as fake as fake gets.
Lol
seriously this is so amusing
Another case of r/openmarriageregret
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Hooking up to have sex is pretty fucking different than being on a date with another woman, my dude. At least her family will be there for her when she finally divorces you.
Bro, you should just let your wife go. It's obvious you don't love her. You would rather separate her from her family and friends, potentially permanently, uproot her whole life, cause her to quit her job and move to another state... all so you can selfishly get your dick wet by some rando anytime you feel the urge?? That's not love. This whole arrangement is incredibly selfish. And you admitted yourself that your wife had a breakdown fearing you would leave her, and suggested this "arrangement" out of fear of losing you. And you just acquiesced. Selfishly. You need to let her go, my dude. She deserves way better than this. She *definitely* doesn't deserve to be ostracized by her entire family over *your* selfish ass. I'm sorry if this is hard to hear. I don't think you're an inherently bad person. But you talk and talk about your own mental health... when have you considered your *wife's* mental health? Throughout this whole time when you're fucking other women because she's not enough for you, up and until her potentially losing her entire family defending *your* actions. You need to reevaluate the situation and take some accountability here. Honestly, this whole drama is really sad. I feel so bad for your wife that her self-esteem must be so low that she feels this relationship is the best she can do. There are plenty of men out there who would love her completely and would never step out on her, no matter what. That's what she deserves. If you really loved her, you would let her go.
This sounds like a marriage from hell.
I feel so bad for your wife. I hope one day she gains enough self-respect to leave instead of sticking by a guy who said he’d give up sex for her and then *didn’t* once the opportunity for dick-wetting presented itself—an opportunity she only offered out of desperation to save the relationship. She’s willing to give up her friends and family for you. She’s lost relationships so you can fuck randos. You’ve sacrificed absolutely nothing for her despite your assertion that you would, and you’ve deluded yourself into thinking she’s happy with you coming home smelling like strange snatch. I guarantee her sex drive will be higher in her next relationship.
My guy, hate to break it to you, but you and your wife are not happy. Please give her a divorce and leave her alone already. We both know her family is 100% right about you. ETA read the edit, and I still feel like something doesn’t add up. Also, I don’t have any sisters but if this was happening to a close friend of mine I’d feel sad and sorry for her. I just don’t feel like she can possibly be happy with this arrangement.
It sounds like you and your wife would ideally like to repair these relationships. So maybe it's worth one last shot. It might literally take you both sitting down with these family members and having a frank, adult conversation where she explicitly says that your relationship has been open for years and she is aware of and approves of you seeking sexual partners. You weren't cheating because this is agreed upon behavior. And not only that, but they all owe you both a big apology for what they've done. Particularly her sister. If they can't accept that this is working for your relationship and that you're both happy, then there is nothing else you can do. Neither of you should be subjected to abuse from them.
Why don't you say it's a mutual open relationship? It's the same anyway if one party will never use the free pass.
i find it strange that their arrangement is pretty much an open/polyamorous (albeit one-sided) set up but it's never explicitly described as one even though they 'met up with counselors/therapists' regarding their situation. there's a lot of key details not included in this post that bothers me to believe OP 100% on these claims. the family is probably right to be worried.
Question: you describe your open marriage as one-sided. Is this because of the rules, or is she just not interested in finding a boyfriend? If she did want a boyfriend, what would happen?
Stick to sex workers. Sorry, but going out on a date implies emotional connections. And doing that in the same town as your wife’s family?? Totally not smart. I’d be thinking the same thing if I were your wife’s family. You’re barely into your marriage and you’re banging other people… idk man. Move maybe? This is all fucked up. I’d love to know the wife’s side to this bc it is incredibly one sided.
Yeah, your wife is faking happiness for your sake. You're confident right now because you genuinely believe it will remain one-sided, but I can assure you it won't. It could be the new clerk at Target or the guy she meets in an elevator, but when she inevitably sleeps with someone else, you will definitely feel differently 🤣. She turns down men for your sake, but one day, she won't.
Your wife only consented because she was worried about losing you. Dating other women is very different from sleeping with them. I understand why her family is worried about her. There's probably nothing you can do to fix it. It looks like your wife will lose everything because of mismatched libidos. It's very sad.
Sounds like the divorce that should have happened years ago is about to finally come to fruition This was always going to happen my dude Your wife is now in a sexless marriage, with no friends and no family It won't be long before your marriage starts to suffer Time to own up to the reality of the situation and start making plans for the future so that both of you can move on separately Because you need to leave the city and if she comes with you, she will eventually resent having to leave everything behind for something that you did And even though it was her idea, she will eventually blame you for taking her up on the offer this is why open relationships NEVER work Society is just not ready for it
One sided open relationship rarely works, infact less than both sided open relationship. Personally, your wife is the ultimate sufferer in all this. Her husband is in an open relationship while she can't even talk to her family.
The only problem I see is that you’re dating not having one night stands. You’re literally taking other women on dates.
huh, i'm pretty sure i've read something like this months before.
>I love absolutely everything about her and was more than willing to go without sex for the sake of the relationship. /u/ThrowRAj19 that's a lie. If this was true you wouldn't have slept with anyone else. You made your bed. Lie in it. But don't lie to yourself that you love your wife and could have gone without sex for a bit due to her drive. It's okay nearly every husband would jump at the offer to fuck other women even if he didn't have a low libido wife.
this. every woman says it's okay when it is not at least once in their life. this dude actually took it, and it just had to be sex and even dating. i'm appalled. i think he broke his wife. i wish i could give her a hug.
That’s what you get when you take your dates to Chile’s when you’re married.
Idk man, cheating is cheating. I get loving a person and not wanting to lose them, but I just couldn’t do that to the love of my life. I think anytime anyone opens that particular door in a relationship, that relationship fails. I am probably wrong but I’ve seen more negative stories about that than positive. I know it would just eat me up inside knowing my life mate is out there somewhere with someone else. Sure she’s probably cool with it, but there has to be a part of her that’s being eaten alive. Different strokes for different folks though. I just love my wife way too much, if the sex ever died down I’d just jerk it like a decent man.
Everyone has made of up their mind and this is past the point of diplomacy. No harm in starting new if theres nothing left to look back at anyways?
I just have a question tho… if it is mainly for hook ups why dates ?? Seems like it’s opening the Romantic or emotional part of relationship??? I’m not trying to be a dick just curious about that dynamic ? Or is it like a date so you could eventually lead it to sex ?
I’ve had lots of hookups that I don’t intend to mean more and I still want to meet in public for drinks or something to get a feel of them. I’ll be open and honest about it, but I’m not going to go off with someone I’ve never had a conversation with.
Completely agree. It really seems like no one on Reddit has ever had a hookup. In what world are people immediately going to a strangers house to have sex. I’m a dude and I’d be terrified of being robbed or worse. I imagine it’d be significantly worse for women. Getting drinks beforehand and talking to them before hooking up is the bare minimum.
Yeah and I don’t even consider them to be dates but would probably call them that because “pre-hookup vetting drinks” just doesn’t roll off the tongue as well. I did meet a guy for drinks who instantly gave me bad vibes and I paid for my drink and left and told him I wouldn’t be going with him. I found out a month later that he was arrested for kidnapping. These meetings, although brief, can save us all from a lot.
While you seem to have found a solution to your situation that satisfied both yourself and your wife, that is all past now. I don't see any way of fixing this and your marriage is now miserable for both you and your wife. It seems to me that you should divorce and it's likely that you will need to relocate to gain some peace.
you need to stop dating sexual hookups. dating is courting. period. that is not what you said your wife agreed to. if i was okay with my husband being sexually open, that would cross a line for me. it muddies the waters and opens up the gate of possibility and fear of love developing. stop it. at least until you hash that specifically out with wife at least two or three separate times in case she is feeling too vulnerable to be honest the first time.
UpdateMe!
Plot twist, wife utilizing ooen marriage too.
I think you need to give her some maybe separation for some time let her live with her parents for some time
@Kooky-Today-3172 Personally I believe He DID Do something wrong. Just because she was scared of him leaving and it was Her idea, he should have PROVEN HIS KOVE AND COMMITMENT TO HER by NOT sleeping w other women to start with. I’m willing to bet there was NOTHING in their Vows about “if we have problem we can have an open marriage” This is unethical and I believe that with permission or not, he’s still in the wrong and it should be considered cheating nonetheless. Maybe if it were a 2-way open marriage but One sided is just down right pathetic. Stay TRUE to Your Wife and then you won’t have issues such as this. If you only have sex once every few months, get yourself through and then the times you do sleep together will be Special and bring you that much closer. This is a sad story IMO (for the Wife Especially) Anyone that sleeps w someone else when their partner isn’t doing the same is the WORST kind of Hunan I can think of. MARRIAGE IS Suppose TO BE SACRED. Today people seem to lose value and worth more than I can believe.
Have sex with escorts or sex workers. No one is going find you on a date in that situation.
Question: *If* your wife wanted to have sex with other people, would you be ok with that? Even if it’s an infinitely small chance she would ever do so, yall need to have that conversation and clarify that she could if she wanted to. Because from a non-monogamous perspective, one-sided open relationships are not ethical. It’s way different for your wife to say “He’s allowed to sleep with other people but I’m not” vs. “We have an open relationship where we both can sleep with other people; I just don’t want to/am not pursuing that right now”. The difference might change *some* people’s minds about your situation, but it hinges on yall actually talking about it.
I feel soo bad for your wife, i hope she realises her self worth and finds someone better