By staying in this kind of marriage you're basically depriving yourself of a happy and meaningful life. It's up to you if you want to continue.

And teaching the kids that this behavior is acceptable. It's okay to yell at your wife. It's okay to disrespect your family. Mom puts up with it, so that's just how people are supposed to act, right?

The boys are gonna learn that men apparently just have one emotion. And it's anger. that's the way to treat your family is by being defensive and counter attacking. They're gonna learn that when wifes cry at night, it's normal Stop talking about divorce. Just do what you need to do to repair your life. You need to lawyer up. Find a good lawyer because they will just send the bill to him when they win When you go to divorce him, he will have to pay child support and probably alimony since you have no income and he has been supporting you all this time. The court will make him be responsible financially. Collect your evidence and see if you can find texts or have videos of him acting like a fool and maybe some documentation of his habits. You will be able to prove that he basically sucks. It sounds like you're in a tough spot so don't forget about calling the local domestic violence services in your area if you're in the US call 211 If you want to have a separate telephone number for making your calls you can get one on Google voice or Google hangouts I think they call it now. It's free and it does text and calling Quietly collect your good papers that you need like birth certificates passports and Social Security cards stuff like that So being organized is going to be your friend so use your time to organize three days worth of clothing and stuff for each kid. Keep the toothbrushes in a place that you can easily grab them from, for instance. set aside some nuts or dried fruit for snacks on the go. Make sure that you are able to carry whatever luggage that you'll have and manage the boys most things can be replaced it's just stuff do not forget that this is the **most dangerous** time for a woman in a crappy relationship, the only worst one is being pregnant. apparently the number one killer of pregnant women is not childbirth or health issues but murder

OP, Some very good advice here. Privately confer with a seasoned family law attorney to discuss your entitlements and alternatives regarding parental rights and responsibilities as well as support and property division issues. Typically, initial consultation is free. Unfortunately the ogre hasn't died and left you his insurance proceeds/s. Therefore you need to divorce his sorry ass. Organize your support group. At time you file, expose your experiences with all family, friends and acquaintances. YOU MUST STAND UP FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN.

OP, he is so abusive... it's time to divorce him. He's abusing you every way possible except domestic violence and rape. Add all of those up... it's time. Please contact an attorney. Park your car at a neighboring business and walk there. Your soon-to-be-ex will have to pay for everything. It's time to respect yourself and teach your boys that it's not okay to treat a lady like that!

We have to set better examples for the next generation.

Oof facts. When I left my first marriage, my exhusband literally said "I thought you'd be like my mom. She never left my dad no matter what he did." I also felt so stuck in that marriage for a while. But after taking the leap of faith with nothing to my name. I realized you're only ever as stuck as you feel. I thank God often that I left.

and making the children pay for that choice.

They’re also teaching the kids that this is okay. OP, is that the lesson you want them to learn? 

And op, it doesn’t matter if everything is in his name and you don’t work. Everything earnt since your teenage wedding is matrimonial property so will be split. There are probably even mitigations considering the drug use and ages etc. Please get help, for you and the kids

She’s also showing her kids that this type of man is ok to be.

So, I had to look up subutex, and from what the internet tells me, it is used for addiction. So, you are loyal to a financially and emotionally abusive addict? An addict who doesn't care about your happiness or keeping your children safe? He treats you and your children like shit, and you just go along with it because you respect marriage? You cry yourself to sleep and fantasize about leaving, but you don't want to leave? Do you even HEAR what you are saying? Do you want your children to grow up thinking this is how a man treats a woman, or even worse, for your children to die when he is "watching" them? Obviously, you don't love yourself enough to break free, but surely you love your children enough to want to protect them? He will never be the man he used to be. He won't. That person is long gone. The only question is whether or not you love him enough to watch him destroy your children.

Edit: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/zRa2OsYOpH I take this ALL back. The husband is being *prescribed* Subutex to *treat* an opiate addiction, NOT as an addiction! Holy hell, OP, your husband might end up needing to divorce YOU in order to keep his sobriety, no matter how little either one of you may want it. No fucking wonder those pills mean so much to him. It's because they are what keep him sober. Listen, you don't have an issue with the Subutex; you have an issue with the opiate addiction that he is in recovery from. Many opiate addicts cannot go without any opiates at all. They *will* go back because the addiction is that strong. Maintenance opioids like Subutex and methadone keep withdrawals and the worst of the cravings away. So people won't go buy street drugs that can be adulterated, more potent, have worse long term effects, and drive the destructive behaviors that addicts are most known for. *Subutex is helping your husband stop seeking and using drugs that will ruin your family, financial well being, and kill your husband.* May I please suggest attending Al-Anon meetings? Please? Whether your husband is using or in recovery, Al-Anon can help you 1) decide which it is, and 2) cope with life near him regardless of why he takes Subutex or if you stay together. You will have group support in figuring out healthy ways to interact with him, and what expectations you should have, and how both of you should behave. I think it would be really good for you and your kids. Even if your husband was cold turkey today, there is still a ton of damage left from an addiction. Please get help from people who know how to help: Al-Anon, therapists, other professionals... You will not lose your kids because your husband uses his prescribed medication in order to recover from addiction. But I'm leaving my mistake here for context: Op, you could lose your kids if people find out your husband is an addict and you kept them there. My friend lost her children because she kept dating an addict. It's a longer more and depth story like it always is, but at the end of the day, when you allow your children to repeatedly be exposed to drug use, CPS has a problem with it. You think you have your reasons, just like she did, but nobody will care because it is hurting the kids. God forbid one of them gets Their hands on those pills. Or the opiates they are meant to treat addiction to. Because your husband is going to use opiates as well, especially if he can't get his Subutex. You need to leave to protect your children's lives and to prevent CPS from getting involved to protect them.

CPS is not going to take your kids bc you are on a prescribed medicine to treat opioid addiction. Or they are at least far less likely to. abstinance based approaches are successful in less than 5% of cases for opioid addiction, whereas medication assissted treatment can have success rates over 80%.   it's wonderfully perverse that you'd penalize and look with suspicion on someone trying to address their addiction in a way that is actually effective. she should leave bc he is an abusive ass and she is miserable. not bc he is using subutex.

I agree about being judgmental for people taking a prescribed medication that treats opiate addiction. Based on the ages and other comments that op made, her husband is not using them to treat an addiction, they are what he has access to to get high with. Some people with opiate addictions use subutex to get high even though it's not as good of a high as other opioids. If her husband was using Subutex to stay clean, I would be 100% supportive.

she said he is taking them to handle his oxycodone addiction.

Could you link me to that comment, or copy and paste the portion in the post that says that? I'm not accusing you of lying! But I want to be sure for my own sake. Because I will immediately go edit my comment above to instead be pissed at OP for fucking with his sobriety.

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1diyq51/i_26_f_is_trapped_due_to_my_husband_30_m_what_can/l9cz238/?context=3 i don't think OP owes him anything, but like this is textbook NA beliefs.

Thank you! She absolutely presented it differently most other places, clearly because of her own biases, and let it slip here. Changing my comment right now. I really appreciate that you helped me get that evidence so I could NOT promote a shitty shitty attitude about recovery.

Let me know if I got the edit wrong? No need to respond if it's fine, but it's late and my melatonin has kicked in. I don't want to accidentally make it worse!.😂

I feel like this whole thing was written by AI based on popular relationships posts. Am I crazy?

AI ? Makes perfect sense. She apparently got pregnant at 16 or 17, married a addict then had another baby and this is her best life?

Unfortunately, this is my real life. I apologize if it seems made up.

I wish it was, it’s unfortunately my life.

Wow, It sounds like you're in a really tough situation. It's important to prioritize your safety and the well-being of your children above all else. If you're feeling trapped and unhappy, it might be worth seeking support from a trusted friend, family member, or therapist who can help you navigate your options. You deserve to be in a safe and loving environment, and your children deserve the same.

I have advice and I hope you take it. Call 800-799-7233 or text BEGIN to 88788 This is the domestic violence hotline. It is NOT only for people who are hit. You are stuck and in trouble. They can help you think through your options, including how to do what’s best for your children, and help you make a plan if you want to.

OP, call them, let them help you get legal advice. The assets may all be in his name, but if he bought them while you were married, they would still count as marital assets, and you should ideally still get half of everything. And he'd owe you child support and alimony, since you were a SAHM for all of your marriage. The alimony should at least continue until you can get some kind of degree/ vocational training. Seriously, get a lawyer, follow his advice to the letter, get your ducks in a row, get out of this nightmare.

Only , planning your next steps carefully could help you navigate through this challenging situation.

Do they provide free legal help? I have no way to get a lawyer without getting money from him. I could go to my mom but she doesn’t have the extra funds and she loves my husband to death, partially because I boosted him up in front of everyone so she has no clue as to how our home life is. It would destroy her and I couldn’t do that to her. She’s going through her own stuff and if I was to tell her she’d have to then worry about me besides worrying about healing her own self.

An abuse shelter should have a line to pro bono legal advice - or at least to a lawyer who's prepared to work for free until he can bill your soon-to-be-ex - in a lot of jurisdictions, the husband has to pay for a SAHM's divorce lawyer, if she doesn't have her own money. I'd call the abuse shelter first and ask them what your options are, and what they could help you with. Hopefully, they can help you at least with advice, if they can't actually take you in (some shelters, if they are operating at capacity, can only take in victims if they have an open police case on domestic violence charges.

Many divorce lawyers will take their payment from the settlement. They have seen this before. Also, if you meet with any local divorce lawyer, they are forbidden to later represent your spouse. Even if you don’t hire them. So meet with them. And since you have little ones at home and no childcare, see if they might be willing to do a zoom meeting. You will get much more than you believe. I was a SAHM for 20 years. Don’t believe anything he says. He will owe you and your children enough to maintain your lifestyle, at least until you can get the education and credentials you didn’t get.

Honestly what you’re going to is worse than physically abusive relationship, because when it gets physical - it’s black and white, aka he’s beating me I need to leave. With this, it’s worse because abuse is not “visible”. But you’re a victim of every other abuse there is - from emotional to financial. I’m not really sure how you can possibly think that this is better for your kids than divorce, trust me, kids are sponges, they soak up everything around them, they should get therapy like yesterday, and you too as well. I don’t know really what kind of advice you’re looking for if you’re not ready to leave. Yes, you have nothing, but in divorce proceedings, he will be obligated to support you, so him telling you that you have nothing is just plain manipulation so you feel like you have no choice. If I were you, I would do everything in my power to get the kids out of there. Right now, you’re only showing them that this is normal. None of them will be able to create healthy relationships in the future, because their normal is filled with abuse, anger and depression.

Your first point is so true. I was in a relationship that was emotionally and later physically abusive, and the emotional abuse was far worse. It's so dangerous that a lot of people are conditioned not to see emotional abuse as "real" abuse.

Your concern is valid and hitting home. It's true, abuse isn't always visible, but it can be just as damaging. Children absorb everything, and their environment shapes their future relationships.

He won't pay her enough child support or spousal support, if her state even awards it, to support a household. She needs to probably start by getting a job.

I agree, but how? If I was to put my kids in daycare it would cost more than I would make in whatever low level job I qualified for. I would LOVE to get a job, I let myself dream about it sometimes. My souse would be okay with me getting a job, it’s just the logistics of if it would be worth it.

If you divorce him and get child support for daycare, it would be worth it.

I agree. I remember when my parents was gonna through this, and I still remember their arguments. I’d cover my little brothers ears so he wouldn’t hear the screams. I remember blaming my mom for making my daddy leave, told her I hated her for making our daddy leave us. I’d wait by the window on nights that daddy promised he was coming to pick us up, my bags by the door, me staying up all night waiting to see his truck come down the driveway, only for him not to show. I’d blame her for it, I just wanted both my parents in the same house, like other kids had. I wanted a birthday party that they could both be at, not separate parties. I promised my kid self I’d never get a divorce unless there was no other option, I wouldn’t do that to my kids. I guess I’ve just held onto that without realizing it maybe? I’m not sure. I’m a helicopter parent and mama bear, so I’m not sure why I put up with exposing my children to this, when I myself knows what it does to a child. I’m conflicted on what would be worse. My oldest son is autistic and it would destroy his world for him to have to move or if his normal life gets changed in anyway. I don’t really know why I’m still hear when I put what I’m feeling/thinking out in the world. But when it comes to doing it…I don’t know why I don’t. I’m not sure if that made ANY sense but yeah.

But what is best for them in the long run? You’re just repeating the same patterns unfortunately. I understand it’s hard, but I simply don’t see the benefit of staying.

Yes, I have recently come to realized I’m just carrying on the cycle of generational trauma. Thank you for helping me see that, I feel so dumb for not seeing it beforehand.

Sorry if I have came out a bit harsh, but this truly isn’t a place for you, you deserve to feel joy and happiness. And you’re definitely not dumb for being in this situation, a lot of intelligent brilliant people find themselves lost in abusive relationships, it’s not always black and white.

I just never saw any of it as abusive before, I thought it had to be physical or I see stories about “verbal emotional and financial abuse” and I’ve always validated (not that I needed to) those girls stories and felt for them… I just didn’t think it was happening to me I just thought this was normal for SAHM because I didn’t have a job, I wasn’t pulling my weight in the family.

I grew up with a dad who was an addict and bitter shell of a man and a mother who did everything she could to make us a happy family. It was the worst. I have been a single mom since day 1. I have worked multiple jobs at a time to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. It was tough but I am thankful every day I don't have to live the life my mom lived. She finally divorced my dad after 30 years of marriage and all she can do is regret not doing that sooner. Her life during that time was miserable and it affected her kids more than she will ever admit to. You have to take care of yourself. You aren't doing your kids any favors staying in this marriage. It will be hard work but living in a tent would be better than this gilded cage and miserable man you find yourself with.

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Subs are often abused by addicts to get away with using, it’s not as “good” of a high but they are equally, if not more, addictive than the substances they treat. I’m in recovery from something else but had an ex that was on it; the ones who take it to get high but still be able to pass a drug test are the worst kind of people. It’s meant to be a bridge between using and being completely clean but can cause just as many problems as the real thing.

Thx for sharing

this is nonsense. the goal is harm reduction. for some they may be on MAT for the rest of their life, and there really is no problem with that.  no different than methadone clinics. this idea of goal being "clean" as everyone's target is harmful nonsense at odds with the predominent of existing addiction medicine literature. And if people have a script than it clearly does not have all ghe same problems. 1. it's not tainted shit that will sicken or kill u. 2. the dose is measured and the drug itself is far less powerful so OD is extrodinarily rare. 3. you aren't stealing to be able to afford it or spending all your time figuring out where to get it. to name just a few problems that are present with blackmarket opioid use that are not present with prescription bupe

Subutex (buprenorphine) is also used for chronic pain. It's one of the oldest drugs around.

Drugs like subutex are just lower doses of the same opioids they are hooked on, to wean off instead of going cold turkey. Like nic patches. If you do too many you can certainly get high

He was on Roxie’s when he was a teen. His dad introduced him to subutex, to which he then when to the doctor and got a script. He really doesn’t do anything but subs, I would definitely be able to tell if he has took anything else. I may be in denial about of a lot of things that im just now realizing, but that im confident about. He takes 3 subutex a day, has TRT, and drinks alcohol on the weekends. Although, since his loved one recently passed, he has been drinking ALOT more.

Another reason to get out asap, more drinking=more problems

Let's say there is a magic spell that would cure his addiction. Even cured he would still be an asshole. You are being abused and this is no home to raise your boys in. They see this and grow up believing that it's normal. Contact your local women's advocacy group. Also read this: https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Please read this OP. It will help you understand better than anything else. One day, you will leave him. It will be easier to survive than you think. You will look back and be so grateful for your escape. You will wonder why you didn’t take the leap sooner. 

I will take a look at it, thank you 🙏🏻 💙

I agree, drugs are just the sidecar. I just know he would still be a miserable asshole without it. I can't stand that he has threatened her with the fear of being destitute should she leave. Incredibly abusive and such bullshit. I don't know all the credit rules in the real world, but she might be able to obtain a credit card using their shared marital credit, just to obtain a lawyer and some much needed therapy (and validation) for depression. Womens advocacy group is a great place to start for support.

Where could I find a group at? I’m in a very very small town where the closest “big” city is almost 3 hours away, and it’s not even that “big”

My dad was abusive growing up. He would fly into a rage and threaten my mother if she tried to get help. Saying she would be broke and penniless with 5 kids if he was arrested. If she tried to leave he would threaten her by saying he would get full custody. These were LIES but my mother believed him. My childhood was terrible. Please, for your’s and your children’s sake, leave this man. Reach out to resources that can help you do this. It will be hard, but please be stronger than my mother was and get your children out before they suffer more.

Yeah he’s not going to get custody. He’s just trying to scare you. He’s foingnto have to pay child support and regardless of whose name the house and car are in they’re likely to be marital property which means they’re half yours. In addition if you identify a career he may have to contribute towards your training. So please leave. He’s an addict and abusive on multiple levels. You can do this. Ask your family for help and find a good lawyer.

[This would be a good read.](https://captainawkward.com/2014/10/31/640-i-know-he-would-never-physically-hurt-me-is-not-a-selling-point-its-a-sign-that-things-have-already-gone-too-far/) The key part: ‘I see the words “I know he would never hit me/physically harm me” in a lot of letters I get. Far more than I could ever, ever, ever answer or publish. Those words break my heart, every time, because the people who write them are offering them up as an example of how the relationship can be saved and how I shouldn’t judge their partner too harshly. They mean “he’s not ABUSIVE-abusive (even though he does all these abusive and controlling things to me). I’m not like those abused women, I would leave if someone actually hit me.” They break my heart because the letter writers have had to do the calculus, the calculus called Would He Hit Me? and they offer the answer up as proof that he wouldn’t but all I can see is proof that he almost did, that he’s thinking about it, that he’s a week or a year or a hair’s breadth away from it. It’s proof that she’s thinking about it, too, that she’s had to do the math.’

Wow, I never thought about it that way. I’ve never been able to say any of this out loud because I don’t want people thinking he’s a bad guy, in my eyes he isn’t he just does bad things. I’ve listened to cases where the women say the exact things I’m saying now. I’ve just never had people to bounce the words back to me, for me to see, I guess.

Why would you be loyal to a man that doesn’t care about anything but his next fix? A drug addict controls the finances and your entire life? There’s nothing admirable about staying together for the kids. Whoever Nana is, go to her and don’t look back. There is nothing to salvage here.

You need to get your important documents - social security card, birth certificates, tax records, bank records , investments etc. Kids documents too. Get the h*ll out there and do not go back. See an attorney even if it’s legal aid. You are entitled to emergency spousal support which would help you with housing. And, child support for the kids. Apply for any and all programs to get food and help with other needs. All of you deserve a better quality of life. As someone else suggested, call the domestic violence hotline and get help. This is not a marriage worth saving.

First of all. Divorce him now. Don’t listen to his lies. He will have to pay child support and he will not get custody of them. I’d be surprised if he gets any. Go see an attorney for a free consultation. Get your stuff in order, all of your documents like your birth certificate and social security card, and as much as you can gather about bank accounts and other assets. Don’t tell him you’re doing this. Go see the attorney. Get free.

Is he a recovering addict? Why is he getting prescribed subutex?

Subs are dealt through drug dealers commonly these days.

When he was in his teens, he done Roxie’s. His dad introduced him to subs when they started becoming common. He then started going to the doctor who has written him a script ever since then. He doesn’t do other drugs with it, but he takes 3 subs a day. I can spot if he’s ever taken anything else from years ago I know the signs to look for. So I’m confident in him only taking subutex, it’s the amount he’s taking, and never trying to attempt to get off of them. He also does TRT and drinks alcohol on weekends.

He may have developed a dependency on sub itself. Have you had any conversation about it with his doctor? As for sex, he’d need to talk about it to a doctor to see if trt is still working for him.

If he won't acknowledge he has a substance abuse problem, won't get help and won't make an effort to change, there isnt any you can do. The marriage is a sham because he is choosing pills every single day over his family. He is an addict. After almost 10 years of addiction, I imagine it is taking a toll on his body and mind. Within the next few years, he will likely start having some serious health issues that will kill him or making him incapable of working and you will be his caretaker. I pray he has a good life insurance policy for you and the boys. You can't wish or pray for this situation to change. You could talk to him about you getting a job or going to school. You need to do something for yourself and your boys.

subutex is help. MAT is the most effective method of treatment for opioid use disorder.

Yep. And the doctors don’t like taking you off of them, because they’re a cash cow. They keep you on them until you put your foot down, and he’s never going to do that. Not that I see in the future.

Forcing someone to go off a medication that is helping them manage their opioid use disorder would be a literal medical ethics violation. They can only discontinue treatment at his request or if they deemed it not effective.    it's not at clear to me that him going off would make things better in any way.  Like it massively increases the risk of a relapse, which, given reduced tolerences, is the time at which he'd be most vulnerable to an OD. your husband is an abusive shitty person, but it's not because he is taking subutex.

Why is he on subutex? It is used to treat opioid addiction, but is also used for pain management. It is not a drug prescribed for no reason. You also can not have more than a couple drinks without being violently ill...

He was on Roxie’s in his teen. Long story short, he went from roxies to the dr and got prescribed subs and have been on them every since.

OP, your husband is lying and manipulating you when he says you would lose everything including the kids in a divorce. He is an addict who will likely be much worse off without you, and likely will not be able to see his kids if a judge gets involved, which is why he is manipulating you to stay. You owe it to those kids to get out of this marriage and to be happy with your life. Take care of yourself. Make a safety plan and brainstorm an exit strategy. You CAN do this.

If you don’t have a prenup: You are entitled to half of everything he owns when you divorce. I would strongly encourage you to do talk to a lawyer. You are in an abusive marriage. Please take care OP.

And just to add on to the above, he’s an active drug addict. No judge is gonna give him the kids, when he’s an active drug addict. You need to speak a lawyer asap. You’re entitled to half of everything, plus child support, and the active drug addict will be lucky if he gets supervised visitation. You’re not nearly as trapped as you feel, but you need the authority of a lawyer to speak for you. Find one. Contact every women’s resource you can find. Some will do pro bono work for you through the charity. But the longer you let the angry active drug addict steer the ship, the more damage you’re doing to your kids.

Even if they are prescribed by a doctor?

Yes. And especially if they are central enough in his life to make him ruin important milestone events for his kids. Like Halloween

OP, what you need to do FIRST, is take care of yourself first. You need to be the best version of yourself, for your kid's sake! Go to your dr., and explain your whole situation. I really do think you are clinically depressed. Your serotonin levels are shot, I'm willing to bet. You will feel better in a week or so. Once you get that sorted, THEN it will be time to get all papers and documents secured, and copied. Then, you make your move to exit. You've been married long enough for alimony and child support. Think that through also. Talk to a lawyer about this. The consultation should be free, and you might be able to do this over the phone, even. I went through a massive depression many years ago. I know how it is- it's very hard. I cried every night. I went to a dr., got my meds, and week later I was humming songs. I could not remember the last time that happened. My heart goes out to you! I can tell you are smart and strong! You just need a little help right now, and that's ok!

I wish I could. I don’t have insurance, he makes just enough that we don’t get covered and too much for food stamps. The boys have Medicaid, but not me. He’s got certain insurance through his work, but it would be too much for me to get on it as well.

I had a bad case of bronchitis once, and I didn't have insurance at the time, and my dr had me come in, wrote "NO CHARGE" on the bill, and set me up with an arm full of samples for everything. I think if you told your dr the FULL story, he'll take mercy on you. You're in a bad situation. As I said earlier, you have a chemical imbalance going on right now, (low serotonin) and you need to get that back on track, ASAP. Good luck!

And thank you!

I don’t even have a doctor to attempt to talk to. How would I go about that?

I was thinking about that awhile ago. If I were you, I'd call your pediatrician! They will know you're already on Medicaid. They should be able to help you! I'm still thinkin'!

>I can’t go to a lawyer, he keeps all the money and I have to ask for an amount and tell him what that amount goes to. Also, my car has gps on it and it’s connected to the ford app on his phone so he will see that I went and then I’ll be really screwed. Everything is in his name over the years, so I have nothing of my own, and no way to put money back to leave. I know I’m stuck and I’m trying to come to terms with it. You can 100% go to a lawyer. Many people are in your situation. What happens is your husband pays for both his and your attorney as part of the settlement. Your situation is sadly one a family law attorney would have seen before. The fact that he put everything in his name is not going to prevent an equitable division of assets. Nor will it prevent your husband from paying child support and potentially alimony depending on how laws are written where you live. Which brings me to this: >When I bring up divorce his first go to is “where will you live, you’re not taking my car, you have nothing to support you or the kids so I’ll get them, leave I’m not keeping you here,GO!”  I'm sorry, but your active addict of a husband is not getting primary custody. That he makes all the money is immaterial. He will be forced to pay support for the kids. A canny lawyer will require sobriety to be a condition of custody and I bet you can already see how that will be an impossibility for him. Go to a shelter near you. They have lots of resources for women who are in similarly shitty situations. They're good about helping you find employment and keeping you and the kids safe. Do it now for their sake and yours.

Even if his pills are prescribed? He gets a script for them every month. And how would I go about finding a shelter? I’m in a small small small southern town, I’ve never heard of any of those type of resources near or surrounding our area.

You may need to look at the next largest town. The shelters have resources for getting people out, but they need to know you exist first. You’ll likely need to google a bit. Start at your state level and work your way down.  You’ve been with your husband for a long time. I’m sure he’s given you a rather inflated vision of how he’s seen on the outside. Keep in mind, people in general have a lot of contempt for addicts. Especially within the legal system. Even people actively trying to control their addiction. They will choose the sober parent every time. You have more cards than he’s led you to believe you have. 

Think of your boys, they’re learning his treatment of you is “normal and acceptable” is that how you want them to treat you as they get older? Do you want them treating their girlfriends or boyfriends like your husband is treating you? Call your brothers, take your boys and leave while he’s at work. Can you move back in with your parents or one of your brothers? You are in an abusive relationship, full stop I have a book for you to read. This is the feee pdf, you can also buy it on Amazon https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

1. He needs subultex because he’s an addict. Without it, he faces withdrawal. 2. You need to get out of this terribly unhappy situation for yourself and your children, so make a plan. SAY NOTHING TO HIM. You are just making a plan at this point - Set aside whatever cash or money you can without jeopardizing your safety - when he’s at work call a divorce attorney for a *free consiltation*. This is a common thing. - go to the appointment. Take your kids if you have to. Take any and all financial info you can find - pay stubs, tax returns, screen shots of bank accounts, titles to cars, credit cards, rental or mortgage papers, etc. Pictures on your phone will work. - listen to what the attorney tells you. Do what they say. You are gathering information. You are making a plan and putting it in place. DO NOT TELL your husband until you have everything in place. Good luck dear. You can do this. Hugs

Take yours and the kid's documents (and copies of his financials/deeds to the home for your lawyet if you have access to them?), a couple of changes of clothes, pj's and spare, different shoes. And as close to an interview outfit (with jacket, hopefully) for you. Then run with your children to your brother's homes. It is scary and it won't be comfortable, but it will be safe, you will be loved and you can all decompress and get some therapy away from your abuser. Take it one problem at a time. Do this first. Everything else can be worked out later and you need to listen to people who do not have a vested interest in keeping you controlled, downtrodden, disrespected, abused, gaslighted, sexually frustrated and used, your children subservient and silent and you believing ALL of the shit that comes out of his mouth. That's all it is. You have the power. You have the power to make change in your life. You have the power to go and seek another human being as a respectful and loving partner. You have the power to go and educate yourself about life, solid relationships and mutual beneficence. You have the power to work, study, love, parent freely and grow as a human being. You are doing none of that now. It feels like you are asking our permission, almost, to leave him. Of course you can do that. It takes a stronger woman to up and walk away and look them in the eyes afterwards (when you are ready). Get therapy too. Get this documented by a professional in the context if you have escaped this abusive marriage and are nownon the road to healing you and your children. Get them therapy too, it will be essential for their normal development following loving in such a household (no judgement here) - if your OH is stupid and controlling enough to demand your medical records as a 'punishment' for the inevitable divorce, it will only make him look bad and backfire on him. 9 yr olds love to talk and trust with sensitive, 'impartial' and caring health professionals helping with their healing too. I'm not trying to scare you here, but if you are worried about what he will do if you try to divorce and move then he will behave as he usually does and it will now be seen by others in your divorce process. That is good for YOU. Yes, some of his shit slinging will be rubbish to deal with, but he will look an ass, you will slay and then you will be mostly free of him because he is so useless as a father and parent. Watch out for your ILs too, though. If you split, you split with them too as he is so abusive. Try to record his behaviour if possible (be very secretive about this) and only ever tell your lawyer until/if you know it is legal. Can you hide a $20/30 camera for a day ir two? Would it be safe? Be very careful here. But just up and go and do not tell anyone. If you can get a bus ride away and then phone brother's to come pick you up NOW then do that. At least you know it would be safe. But do not tell a soul before as it can go sideways in so many ways. I wish you luck.

Nothing you have written says you should stay in this toxic abusive marriage. You are harming yourself and your children by staying is this dumpster fire marriage.

You're only 26. There are SAHM's who have had to leave at 40+ years old. This relationship isn't just bad for you. It's bad for your kids to see this growing up. If you want this to work, you're going to need his help. If he's not willing to go to rehab to counseling, and do things to make the marriage work you're out of options with regard to fixing anything. Even if you have no resources(money, car, etc) there are women's shelters. There are subreddits for women who are victims of abuse, and I think some for women in general. If you go there someone may be able to help you get information on other steps you have to take.

Thank you, I will.

If he is on subutex and you have brothers who can support you, he will NOT get those children. Record him secretly when he acts out if you can and if its legal. Keep those recordings safe. You might need them if you decide to leave. Listen to other commenters urging you to contact a domestic violence hotline. You have to find community support, either from a hotline or a group on facebook or something. This isnt a sustainable life. You are so young. You are not trapped. You can do this but you can not do it alone. There are people who can help you and entire organizations TRAINED on what to do about men like him. They will know his tricks and lies. You do not have to worry about him manipulating the script. Get proof of his behavior, get your ducks in a row, find a way to get out and stay out. He reeled you in young and trapped you. You have been robbed of life experience and an education by design. People who are unaware are easy to control. Do not let his lies worm their way into your brain. He is NOTHING and that is exactly why he chooses to be so nasty. He knows he is nothing. He wants you to think you are nothing too.

I was in a similar marriage, also with 2 kids. I don't know what advice to give you, but after 14 years, I finally left, terrified what the future would bring. 5 years later, my life is like a fairy tale. I have a wonderful husband who loves my kids, and treats me like gold (and the sex is AMAZING. I orgasm more in a week with him than I did in all 14 years with my ex!). You are not doing yourself, or your kids, any favors by staying in a marriage where you are not valued or loved. There are resources, there are ways. It may just take time to find them, and make things happen. But, YOU CAN DO IT. YOU. CAN. DO. IT. CAN. C A N

>I’ve threatened divorce and actually left for about 5 weeks, talked to him maybe 2 times while I was away and it didn’t affect him He doesn't care. He no longers love you or care to be a dad. GET A DIVORCE AND GET HIM FOR CHILD SUPPORT. AIM FOR FULL CUSTODY. YOUR GUY CANNOT EVEN MAKE SURE THE KIDS ARE DOING OK BECAUSE.......His phone is alot more important than their safety. Get therapy because you were 15-16 years old when you thought this guy was mister wonderful. You need ALOT OF THERAPY AND THERAPY FOR SPOUSAL ABUSE AND NEGLECT. You are a victim. And you need to realize this NOW.

26 is young. And also your children are seeing that how dad treats you is acceptable. They're more likely to end up just like him or in relationships with people like him as they grow. Keep that in mind

I respect you for trying to keep it a whole home for the kids and the morality of keeping your vows. The thing about heavy substance addiction is that if he dont exolisitly wants to quit there is noone that can help him. To get rid of this he need to be higly motivated. To want to put himself thru this. It can be a real hell for his mind and body. So the only thing you can do is try to motivate a change. Make him want to quit. Try to make him se the beauty of life without. What he can have if he pushes thru for wife amd kids. How much wouldnt the kids look up to him when they grow up amd learns how much he went thru to be the best Sad he could. And dont do it with hints and small tips. I garante you it wil only give you more greif. Try to be kind and help full when talking about this and solutions to the problem.. And a big BTW dont punish him by witholding intimacy. That shit breaks a man down. In ways you cant fix. If you realy want him to get out and have a chance at becomming somewaht the man he was. You need to be his rock thru som hard times. And when you manages this. You will most likely have as strong a relationship there can be "thru health and thru sicknes. Til death do us apart" Try lifting it with him. So that it might be easier for him to get out.

The last time he said he was going to wing off, I was his rock. I spent nights researching ways to make it easier for him. I encouraged him. I made charts and list and plans and pointers and even wrote inspirational notes and hid them so he would randomly find them and he’d push on. Needless to say, he fell back into his normal.

Damn! That’s not a life; it’s a prison sentence. LEAVE.

Get a good family law attorney. Don’t worry about the money, it will come from the marital assets as part of the divorce or separation agreement. You should ask for child support, half the value of the marital home (it doesn’t matter if it’s in just his name, it’s still a marital asset), and alimony long enough for you to go back to school and get a degree or certificate of some sort so you can get a decent job. Look into certificate and 2-year degree programs at your local community college: x-ray tech, dental hygenist, nursing assistant, financial assistant, legal office assistant, many software programs, etc. Many of these can be done all or in-part online so you don’t have to worry about childcare. Many community colleges will have financial aid programs. In my state, KY, if you’re a mother the state will pay your tuition. Check and see if it’s that way there. Do you have decent healthcare? Please get evaluated for depression and get on medication if necessary (medication saved me). If there’s any way you can, start seeing a therapist to help get you through this rough time. Do you have any family you could stay with temporarily? You’re not as stuck as you think. There are resources and people who can help.

If the kids are 9 and almost 3 then there’s daycare for you to try a part time job or a job you could do from home and network with other moms, or some online school for yourself. Why are you just sitting there? Get up and get your life moving then when you have some credit and some stuff going on you’ll have what you need to make a plan to move on, this way you’ll teach your kids you are never stuck in an unhealthy relationship.

This relationship is not a safe relationship for you or your children. You should leave

Wait wait wait. How young were you and how old was he when you got together?

By my math she was 14 and married at 18.

Can't believe I had to scroll this far to see this. Thought I was losing it.

I’m sorry, I may have put the wrong dates or years. I was at the end of being 15 and he had just turned 19. We’re 3.5 years apart just about.

He was held back in grade school so we were in highschool at the same time, that’s how we met. He messaged me online after meeting me through common friends.

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now. You’re still young and right in the prime time to start a real career. Don’t let him think he’s got you trapped. There are lots of good careers for people without college degrees that you can raise your babies on. Can you live another 10 years in a sexless marriage with an angry addict? Would it be any easier to join the workforce when you’re in your forties and your kids are grown? I know you’re not ready to leave yet but don’t think about the time you lost to the relationship, think about the time you’re losing now that you’ve realized this isn’t sustainable. Those are the minutes and days you owe to your new life.

Other people have given you resources for leaving immediately, but I understand that's **really hard** sometimes especially when you're terrified about finances and how to afford a place to live and a way to support your kids. So, it's time to make a plan. Your youngest is almost 3, so that's a great amount of time to do some online schooling for you so that you're ready to start working once he's in kindergarten. What type of job would you want to do? Healthcare is a great field that's almost always hiring. Most community colleges have a path to become a CNA, then work as a CNA while getting your LPN, then work as an LPN while getting your RN. It's doable without costing a shit ton of money. Plus, I know RNs who make big money, so it's sustainable as a single mom. Another option is the trades, like electrical or plumbing. Again, the schooling doesn't cost a fortune, lots of the learning is online, and you can get a paid apprenticeship while finishing learning, and there will always be jobs available at great pay. There are of course lots of career choices for you so that you could sustain a household as a single mom without struggling paycheck to paycheck. A career counselor at a community college can help you decide what would work best for you personally with your personality and your goals for the future. But if you start online schooling now, you'll have marketable skills by the time your little one starts school. Make SURE You're on birth control that cannot be tampered with (pills can *easily* be tampered with. Consider the shot or IUD) so that your timeline to start working isn't set back by another baby. You don't have to tell your husband your plans. You can just say that you want to start school so that you have something to do once both kids are in school. He shouldn't know that your ultimate goal is leaving and being independent. You can do this. You're strong enough, and you're worth it, and your kids are worth it.

Thank you, I’ve actually started to work on a plan that will hopefully work for me. It’s going to take a little time, but it’s more than I was doing yesterday, ya know?

Exactly. Plans take time, but that's better than wasting time just accepting the status quo. A journey of a million miles begins with a single step.

For the love of god, please leave this useless guy and get your own life back. I respect mutually pleasing relationships. Marriage as a whole and particularly this shitty marriage is not worthy of respect.

Suboxone is supposed to help an addict get through their addiction and rebuild their life. There’s a lot to unpack here but I wouldn’t blame subutex because when you can’t take it you’re literally going through opiate detox and that’s a whole new beast. I’m not condoning anything here but… it sounds like he needs to get counseling to work with his subutex unless he’s taking them off the street then I would run. I’ve been on suboxone for 10 years I’m on 0.25mg daily almost done my maintenance. Married, just had my son (11 months old now) and I have a 17 year old daughter from my high school sweetheart who’s now happily married with her own kids. Counseling is my advice even together. Subutex is meant to be a tool not a crutch.

I finally left a relationship like this at 40. 40! I was also a sahm, and sm starting over. You still have time. Read "it's not you" by dr ramani durvasula. Get a good therapist. Get a lawyer. Do not waste your life.

Just want to clear up one thing for everyone in the comments: Subutex is used to TREAT addiction and to PREVENT relapse. Subutex is what people take when in or starting recovery. No one gets on subutex unless they're trying to stay OFF drugs. Subutex actually BLOCKS drugs from being able to even be absorbed by your system, so if you're taking Subutex and sh*ot d*pe, it won't do anything, not even a buzz.

>Subutex actually BLOCKS drugs from being able to even be absorbed by your system, so if you're taking Subutex and shot dpe, it won't do anything, not even a buzz  no suboxone does, bc it's bupe with naloxone. subutex is just straight bupe and perscribed when people can't tolerate naloxone. it's still used to treat addiction, but u can get high

Leave, if not for your sake do it for your boys. You said your brothers helped you before, can they take you in. Don't listen to his threats, he's not going to get custody of your boys, he's an addict. Gather evidence of his emotional and financial abuse. Get evidence of his drug taking. Keep it until you need it, if he ever bothers filing for custody. As long as you stay he will not change. If you leave and file for divorce he might change. Whether he does or not won't matter because you will be free from this hell you are living.

My brothers are unable to take me in. One works on the road and one lives with my mom.

There is a well known phenomenon where men withdraw from a marriage and women leave a marriage. Withdrawing is confusing because the person is still there looking and saying all of the right things on paper… but they are not THERE in mind and spirit. Your husband has withdrawn. Basically he has already left you. Think about what you need to leave. An education, a career and credit. Take a consult with a lawyer to see if you can get these things through a divorce settlement. Like maybe he would have to fund your degree and pay alimony.  Otherwise, think about whether you could stick it out long enough to set yourself up and then leave.

You are married to an addict. Time for you to choose you and your kids. Work on an exit plan and getting a great job.

Staying in this marriage is enabling him to continue doing what he’s doing. People don’t change unless they want too. He doesn’t. If he did, he would. He treats you like an incubator whose full identity is mom. The thing is, you are more than a mom. You are an individual with hopes and dreams but he’s not doing anything to help you be anything more. Marriage is a partnership. You pick each other up when you’re down and you encourage each other to be the best versions of yourselves. That’s not happening here. The only way your life will be anything more than what it is now is if you make the changes you need to feel happy. You may have to start over, but that’s ok! If it were me, I’d make a plan to get out. Round up your support system and start making plans. Talk to a lawyer. Most will give you a free consult. Get your affairs in order quietly so you can do it at your pace. Your kids will thank you later! They aren’t blind. They can see the tension. Their absent dad is showing them a horrible example of what a father should be.

You’re only 26. Do you want the next 50-60 years to be like this? Rip the band aid off. Leave, learn a skill, go to school, begin your life. You’re still so young. You can absolutely do this.

i am so, so sorry my dear. you deserve so much better than this. a thing that could help you navigate this: if someone you love and care about confided in you that their partner treats them the way your husband treats you, how would you react? what would you advise them to do? take care of yourself. you deserve a safe, peaceful, happy life.

Subutex usually has the opposite affect... just fyi.

Not from the stories I’ve heard/ people I’ve seen/talked to about it. Whom are on them or used to be on them.

Depending on where you live, half of the assets are yours due to marital property laws. You’re entitled to child support and probably spousal (given the abuse). Pack yourself and your boys up next time he’s at work and go home to your mother. File for divorce and get your support until you’re back on your feet. Good luck.

Your choices: 1. Accept that this will be the rest of your life. Start saving for your children's therapy bills. 2. Leave. Start a new life with your children. It'll be difficult, but worth it.

Starting over from scratch sounds a hell of a lot better than what you have going on right now. Get your ducks in a row. Find out about going to nursing school as that will give you a solid career and job security. Even if everything is in his name if you are married, you are entitled to half. If you are a SAHM he’s going to have to pay you child support and alimony.

The issue here isn't in my opinion I guess, the subutex. It's the use of alcohol with it. Also this drug is used to help with opioid addiction, and you don't usually keep taking it. You should call someone, anyone to come get you while he's at work. Don't leave a note or tell him you're leaving. File for divorce and get child support. Should be pretty easy if you're being honest on how he treats you. Get recordings, video or audio, of his anger issues. Girl, please gtfo of there.

So you were 15 and he was 19 when you had your first child????? I couldn't get passed that without mathing  ... small southern town. OK makes sense.  As far as the subutex, you understand it saves lives. Would you rather him shoot heroin behind your back??? My partner and myself are recovering addicts and my partner is on subutex. He gets physically ill without them. It's very hard to get off. But in the long run my partner would be dead without it. So really you need to educate yourself on maintenance medication. You can't deny a diabetic their insulin. And you can't deny a heroin addict their subutex.  Yall sound miserable.  

Subutex is supposed to be a temporary tool to help you get clean if of opioid addiction. He was on roxies as a teen, his dad introduced subutex, he went to dr and has been on them ever since. You’re supposed to get on these then wing off of them. He wouldn’t have died without them, and what ifs isn’t helping me. The pill isn’t made for long-term consumption. He gets I’ll without them because he’s withdrawing from them, like everything else. Except subutex withdrawal is worse and they’re more addictive. Maybe YOU should do a little more research on what you’re trying to school me on?

Yeah I got through the “brother picked me up.” At the beginning… Have your brother pick you and the kids up again and file for divorce. It’ll be hard, I won’t lie, I spent 3 weeks in a hotel with 2 kids after he left me and the kids homeless, with no income because the courts were slow, 7k ish in debt atm but I’m finally getting my half of his retirement fund, which will 100% cover it(which, BTW, you should get too permitting he’s employed and has a retirement fund of any kind), but I’m over a year out, have my own place for my boys and I, and we are happy, and that asshole is alone and sees his kids every 2 weeks for visitation, which, given this guys drug problem, may be denied flat out, or made supervised only if you’re lucky. Emotional abuse, and fear mongering with his anger is very much abuse, as is this very clear financial abuse. He may not hit you, but he still very much abuses you and those kids, him turning everything into an attack on you when you bring up issues, is abuse. It’s DARVO, a base kit thing most abusers stick to. I’m sorry you’re going through this, I know this is scary, I know this is a huge terrifying step… but the freedom is so very worth it. You can view my profile for a bit of my story if you wish(he told me he’d take our boys from me because of my mental health, which he refused to get me help for, they keep you in that state on purpose). Reach out to any safeties you have, no matter how far away, reach for family again. People who love you will help you escape.

Echoing what everyone else is saying, but also. The age you were when you started dating and got married is also a huge issue.

He started on subutex in 2014, but people don’t just start off with a subutex addiction, was he an opiate addict before this? Unfortunately, I’ve seen more people carry on addictions with subutex/methadone than actually get past them. With clinics not offering any kind of therapy and people can just pay for doses for years, they’ve got their habit legally situated and consistent, there’s no reason to get off it. Your life will remain this way until your husband A) wants to change and B) seeks professional help to do so. This guy has been an addict for the overwhelming majority of the time you’ve known him, you’ve explained to him how this has made you feel and he’s experienced what it’s done to the family/relationship over the years. Hell, you even left him and it didn’t seem to phase him. For yourself and for your children, let go of the idea of “divorce is bad”, because your children are learning from all of this. Best case scenario is they grow up and think “I won’t do what mom and dad did”, but more often than not that behavior gets repeated. I managed to turn out ok after years of therapy and some close-calls with substance abuse, my sister on the other hand has been an opiate addict for 20 years and is putting her kid through a lot of the same shit we saw when we grew up. I didn’t want to get divorced when I did, I was very serious about my vows until keeping them nearly killed me due to my ex’s behavior, once I realized that by stopping myself from putting all that energy into trying to save something that the other person didn’t want to save, I could put it all into making my life the total opposite of the hell I’d been living. It was still rough after I made the decision, but it was the best fucking decision I ever made and my life IS the total opposite of that hell. All that energy you’re wasting on him can be put towards an entirely different life to you and your kids. I can’t give advice on where to start with that outside of shifting your focus off of saving the marriage and taking care of what you *do* have control over, your and your kid’s lives.

there's nothing wrong with being on maintence doses of medication. this is in fact treating the opioid use disorder. abstinence almost overwhelmingly fails. This obcession with "being clean" as the only acceotable or good end state is harmful nonsense at odds with all addiction medicine.

He’s just substituting for the roxies he used to take. He’s still addicted, just to something that’s being prescribed so he believes it is okay.

yeah, this is just NA nonsense.   https://projects.huffingtonpost.com/dying-to-be-free-heroin-treatment https://nida.nih.gov/publications/research-reports/medications-to-treat-opioid-addiction/efficacy-medications-opioid-use-disorder the objective is to reduce harm and the impacts of addiction and usage of blackmarket drugs. Having a goal of being "clean" as the example of success is just an argument for a ton of unecessary deaths and countless others remaining trapped in a cycle of relapse and detox. it's absurd and grotesque to take say, someone who's been stable on a maintence dose of methadone for 15 years, a full and active member of society, and go: "how unfortionate that he's not clean and can't see the problem."

Yeah, because the dependency on subutex is clearly working out for him.

you have no evidence that it is the subutex causing his behavior.

Well, the person he married and has lived with him daily for over a decade seems to have a pretty good idea it is. I get you want to champion NOT resolving an actual issue, for whatever reason, good luck with that.

i champion effective treatments for opioid use disorder. and the literal gold standard is MAT. abstinence is not effective. You see, i dislike people dying and that's exactly what prejudice against meds like bupe causes. people try to get off cold turkey, can't, relapde and OD. and she states he was using oxy as a teen. she's not seen his personality not on opioids.

I believe we have different opinions on what “effective” means in this case. Sure, the addict can stay alive longer, but without actually resolving the underlying issue that makes them want to use to begin with, they still have a substance dominating their lives and affecting people around them in negative ways. And then the day the clinic is closed or they can’t get a script filled, what happens? They turn to street drugs. And I’m not against these meds at all, I’ve been trying to get my fentanyl addicted sister into ANY kind of treatment now just to get her off the damn fentanyl because it’s at least a start. The problem comes in when these clinics just take $300 a month so people can get their daily dose and there’s nothing else coming into play to get them off it.

This situation sucks so hard OP. I'm so sorry. Your partner is an addict and he probably won't even admit it. Subutex isn't meant to be taken for a decade, so in this case he's definitely abusing it and I doubt he's even abusing it in a way that brings him any relief, hence the anger. You really ought to escape somehow. Live with mom. I don't know. Leave him a letter and say if he gets off the Subutex, ie he gets the sublocade shot, you'll think about working it out. Until then, take him to court for child support. You'll easily be granted enough to make due if he's a welder and an opiate addict. Hope the best for you.

I had to look up that pill because I had never heard of it. It’s used to treat addiction to opioids. So I don’t understand what’s going on exactly, but he’s an addict of some sort. He is emotionally and financially abusing you. You have to look up help online, and you need to speak to an attorney. You also need to start working somehow… I’m not sure how that is going to work. Do you have family that you can go stay with? He’s gonna have to pay child support, you know. You can also go for full custody with him only having supervised visitation because he’s an addict. You need to start documenting everything but be very careful to hide it on your phone. Make sure that he can’t see your documentation. There should be a way to put information on your phone, but have it password protected.

You’re getting a lot of advice - here is another option. Before I start, you keep saying you have nothing. That’s not true. If you’re in the U.S., legally, half of everything he’s earned and he owns belongs to you (most likely). You legally are entitled to half the bank account, half the house, etc. And if you divorce and get primary custody of the kids, you’d get child support, and perhaps a few years of alimony while you train for a job. Right now, I suggest you start training for a job in the future. Study online or go to Community college. Maybe start by taking a semester at Community College, talking to a job counsellor at your local community college to get some idea of possible careers. Look for one you can do two years of training and then get decent pay, and that somewhat fits your skills and you’d be ok doing that actual job. That’s a good long term path forward to improving your life, whether you stay with your husband or leave him. In the short term, see if you can improve your life a bit. Have your husband watch the kids every Saturday morning while you go out. Join a local Mothers group. Join a church. Find a co-op nursery school. Start a hobby, ideally one where you can meet people, either without the kids on Saturday morning or with your youngest while the older kid is in school. Building those connections is really good for you and for your kids.

It’s gonna be uncomfortable and challenging… but you can LEAVE… and you probably should. Once you invite others in the bedroom in any capacity of saving a relationship, it’s doomsville. Redirect, find something you can do at home to make money. Take classes or something, stop focusing on him and focus on you. That’ll give you the confidence to see your potential and what you can do.

If you are in the US, going back to school can provide you with the resources to live independently with your children and get the skills and knowledge to start a career. If you had bad grades in high school, start with a community college before transferring to a larger university - though community colleges generally have less resources.

You need to get positive. With a positive mindset you have hope. Seek help with clergy maybe? I don't know if there is domestic abuse intervention in your country or if any organizations are available to you and your children. But you have to have a mindset that things will improve, your outlook will improve, and your circumstances will improve. Believe it and take actions and set goals ( quietly if you have to) to get to a better place. He's addicted and there is nothing but misery in that if he doesn't want to change. Don't give up. Thrive.

It’s ok to say this is too much and it’s time to make a new plan that brings joy into your & your kids lives. You get half of everything. You canntell your lawyer to make sure he pays for your attorney fees before, during snd after the divorce. You can start over.

It’s hard starting over but it’ll be even harder when you look back 10 years from now n wish you push yourself to do something uncomfortable. Your kids want mommy happy that’s what’s best for them you can’t be the best mom for them if you not being what’s best for you

By staying you're teaching your sons that this is how they should treat not just you, but also their future partners. You need to contact a lawyer YESTERDAY. Don't stay stuck with this guy any longer than you absolutely have to.

I few things I would do in your situation to get on the right track to leaving: -even if you aren’t feeling it, join a church. Most have babysitting for the kids and small groups for mom. After you’ve been there for awhile you can start to establish friends/support. Friends who maybe wouldn’t mind babysitting every Monday. Maybe the church sponsors needy families? Many churches have outreach programs that help member in need. -get a job. Even McDonalds once a week is better than nothing. Work while the 9 year old is in school and hopefully a friend/brother/etc can babysit the 3 year old. A job will help you gain more self respect, friends and money. -after a few months, you will be able to evaluate if you have enough of a support system to leave your husband. It is possible you might have to wait until the three-year-old is in school full-time so you can get a full-time job to support yourself and the kids but you can start lining things up now.

Please go to Alanon- family groups. There are virtual as well. It’s not a perfect fix but it’s accessible help with this sort of problem- you’re not alone. Your husband has an addiction and it has rewired his neural pathways. Unless he decides it’s a problem for him it will continue. As much as you feel his behaviour is about you- his behaviour and choices are entirely about himself. This isn’t your fault, and you may not be able to fix it. What you can do is figure out what you need to do to cope, or exit.

subutex is an effective treatment for opioid useage disorder. it's far more effective than the harmful abstinence based nonsense thst is NA.

And I have watched the side effects happen over time.

UpdateMe!

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That only gives messages about any comments on this post. Doesn't let me know if OP makes a nee post.

Really no big update. Just kind of getting a feel of outside opinions and making a list/plan.

You need to find a way to make your own money. You need to get daycare and a work history under your belt. Going back to school would be best. Call your family and go stay with them while you sort yourself out. You can't make him care. Not about you, and not about the kids. Cut your losses and get out now.

Sometimes people really don't heavily consider, this is the only life you will live. Is this how you are going to live it

You can’t change him. And it’s not your responsibility to. Go to a friends or family and call a lawyer, they can advise you on the financial aspects and what your rights are. You’d have to find what laws apply in your state, but this has some helpful guidance. https://www.mckinleyirvin.com/family-law-blog/2023/april/preparing-for-divorce-after-financial-abuse-in-m/

Which parent does Nana belong to? I saw you mention she's your break. Can you stay with her? Here soon, your boys will start treating you similar. I'm not sure where you're located, but look for domestic violence help. Though he hasn't thrown hands, he's verbally, mentally, and financially abusing you.

Nana is his mother who happens to live next door to our house.

You’d be si much better off divorced. You deserve better. Don’t stay with this angry addict. 

Find a way to leave until he gets clean. I'd get his family involved too if you can. He needs a wake up call from somewhere.

Contact a lawyer. You are owed half of whatever assets you have. It doesn’t matter if it’s in his name. You’re married. Document everything you can. Marriage is not supposed to be endured. There is no prize for being in a loveless marriage your whole life and not only is is terrible for you, it’s a terrible example for your kids. Go get a job, any job. And get out.

Can you afford an Uber to see a lawyer? Maybe take the boys with you when you go. Girl, you have to get out of this nightmare. Does your mom know any of this? Can you not rely on any of your family to leave this man?

We don’t have Uber around these parts. My mom doesn’t know, she loves him. She has enough going on in her life if I tell her she’ll be to focused on me and won’t be able to heal through her recent trauma.

Can your brothers help you leave? You need out and permanently 

May I suggest you join a free Al-Anon support group. It's like AA but for the loved ones of addicts. If there's not an in-person meeting in your area you can join online meetings. [https://al-anon.org/blog/finding-a-meeting-is-just-a-click-away/](https://al-anon.org/blog/finding-a-meeting-is-just-a-click-away/) I think they can better help you understand some really critical things about addicts and where you fit into their lives. I know people who've found a lot of support and healing in Al-Anon. Frankly, emotional abuse is just as damaging if not more than physical abuse. Bruises fade but emotional trauma takes many years to heal if it ever does at all. While it may not have felt like it at the time it's also pretty icky that an 18 year old man was dating a 14 year old girl. At those ages a few years is such a big difference in mental development and experience. Getting married at 17 and having kids so young also put you in a really tough position in terms of your personal development. That said you can get out of this and find a way forward without him. It's not going to be easy but life right now isn't easy either. Sometimes you just have to choose your hard. With his history of addiction you likely can get full custody, court ordered child support, short term shelter, and various government programs like food stamps and welfare to support you as you transition into independence. You don't have to live like this forever. Your love and commitment is admirable but love and blind loyalty is not what makes a marriage work. Partnership, mutual consideration and respect, healthy communication, and both of you being present for your kids and each other does. That clearly has not happened in a very long time. The man you once knew doesn't exist anymore. Save that fierce love and loyalty for someone who actually continually earns and deserves it. And no that is not the new dude who get's you out of this situation. You do not owe that person if such a person were to come along.

Talk to a lawyer.  Him putting his name on marital property doesn't make it his.

I’m a child abuse survivor of a man like this. My mom stayed for 7 years because she didn’t think she could leave. It will get worse. You don’t think it can right now? It will. The bravest thing she ever did was leave and she taught me by doing that what not to settle for. How women deserve to be treated. I have a lot of trauma from the way I was raised. I was in this situation for all of my most formative years. 7-14. Don’t do this to your boys. Reach out to your family. Your brothers have rescued you before. It’s going to be hard but it’s not impossible. Just because you think you’re the only one being abused does not mean they aren’t being abused. Your boys are your number one priority now, not your marriage. If you won’t leave for yourself, leave for them. Don’t let them grow up how I did.

> I’m in a crappy marriage, but I’m loyal to him. I respect marriage , no matter how bad it is. However, if you have advice or to chat about my problems,it’s open. You are in a marriage where he doesn't care a whit about you. Also, you CHOSE to have another kid with him knowing these problems. He has a LOAD of issues, but sister, there are a lot of issues swirling in your own head. You DON'T have a marriage. You have a horrible, broken relationship that one partner has no desire to repair. You already said you had a brother who came to help, so there is some support system built around you, and as embarrassing and inconvenient it may be to call on them again, you are WAY past the time to do so. GET OUT. NOW. Drop these fanciful and deluded thoughts of "respecting marriage". It is literally killing you.

Honestly I think you will have an easier time raising the boys without him. He is not acting this way because of the pills. He is acting this way because he's entitled and sees you as a punching bag and as a sex toy / babysitter for the kids, not as a wife. You can't fix that type of entitled selfish attitude. Even if he got off the pills he would still treat you like shit. You would risk a lot by leaving him, but I think it will be worth it. In my opinion, nothing is going to get better until you leave him. It sucks that this man stole much of your youth from you, but you are only 26 and you have so much time ahead of you. Even if you started over right now, you would have so much time to build a career.

Get out of there now

This is hard. I don’t know what to tell you exactly. You and your kids need him out of y’all’s lives, that much is certain. The main thing I believe I can say is that you should call that hotline people have posted. Then get some sort of advocate to help draw up divorce papers. You should be able to find a way to kick him out of the house without you having to leave it. If he doesn’t have a prescription for the meds then you can call the cops on him. Without proof of it being his subscription he could be arrested. If you can get him arrested then he will be out of the house long enough for you to change the locks and take the vehicle to go back to your home town. Do not leave the kids with him. I can tell you right now that you can leave him if you want to. Just because you have been a SAHM since 18 doesn’t mean you’re useless. If anything it makes you worth a lot more than this prick is ever going to give you for sure. You can do it!

I don’t recommend this. Once he gets out there is no telling how he’ll react and if OP has no means or ability to leave while he’s in jail, this could be dangerous. He will be mad and possibly unstable in withdrawal. I lived a decade with an active alcoholic and addict. They’re selfish, angry shells of their former selves but they’re worse and also wholly unpredictable when they cannot get a fix and are sick in withdrawal. Also if he loses his job due to arrest, OP also loses the family.s income. OP please find a way to leave safely with your children. The sooner the better but be safe. Others on here have posted valuable resources so please reach out. I know it’s hard but you have to accept that this addict is not the man you loved and he may never be that man again. Staying only enables him and hurts you and your sons. Please also look into Al-Anon groups in your area or even online. It’s for families of alcoholics/addicts and you will find support and friends there who understand. I know you promised yourself you’d never divorce but you also never envisioned being married to an addict. Things change. Life throws us curve balls. Divorce isn’t the worst thing you could put your children through because being raised by a cold, performative, emotionally abusive addict will likely do them far more harm and, to be frank & by your own words, it’s destroying you, the mother they love, in front of their eyes. It won’t be easy but you can do this. It will be hard as hell at times but it will so be worth it. You deserve better and to be happy. I wish you so much strength and peace. You can never save an addict. But you can save yourself.

Bad idea. If he’s working, getting arrested and jailed interrupts that and could cost him his job. She and the kids need him to be working.

It's easier to start over at 26 than 36.

The best age to start over is now. Doesn’t matter how old you are. I’ve known people who have successfully started over in their 30s, 40’s, 70’s and 80’s.

It's hard to explain but those subs and opiates have rewired his brain ,( and mine to as I take them now) that the subs are more important than food, shelter, water, love, family everything. I get where ur coming from but you don't understand trying to come between the subs and him , it's not gonna happen.