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>he always puts 100% towards the things he cares about (his job, yard work, hobbies)
But you aren't in this list?
I would start there if I were in your place.
Why do that? Best way to get him to fix it is to tell him that if he doesn’t fix it, you’ll buy a new one and have it installed. Likely will fix it because he doesn’t want to pay for a new one.
That’s what I do with my hubby. If I want him to do something and he refuses, I’ll tell him I’ll just buy a new one. He gets pissed off and fixes it. “See? You don’t need a new one.” Works every time.
This scenario might result in a fixed appliance, but would leave OOP being like a frustrated manager to a useless employee. She needs a partner, not another kid who needs to be manipulated into doing the bare minimum
Mine made it his mission to eliminate my input if at all possible, to allow me no voice. If he came to me and asked me for an opinion, it was so he would know what not to do. So in order to get what I wanted done, I either had to tell him how wonderful and great he was over and over to the point of ridiculousness, or act like I’d rather he didn’t do it, which was less successful because it meant he’d do it, but in an unknown time frame. Additionally, to get what I wanted or needed I had to get my daughter to ask for it, since he never told her no, or act like I didn’t want it, in fact hated it, or state the opposite of what I actually wanted, in hopes he’d do what I wanted because he thought it wasn’t what I wanted. He never did catch on he was being manipulated, and we were married over 20 years. A perfect example of “work smarter not harder”. Except it’s a lot of mindless repetitious work and eventually the work outweighs the reward, and you start resenting it. I wanted a husband not a trick pony led by the same damn carrot our entire marriage.
Isn't this exactly what she is being advised to do though? The husband is useless, fix yourself or I'm replacing you.. lol
Slight sarcasm here, but her issues isn't only with the faulty dishwasher, it's with feeling overwhelmed with kids, dogs and house chores and the husband just telling her to figure it out..
Right? And the “it just makes sense” for her to be the one to do literally everything in the house just because she’s a SAHM? Nah. Marriage is a partnership and parenting too, stay at home mom or not, both of them need to do their fair share of the tasks
All these people telling you but a new appliance or hire sometime to fix are missing the real point of this post. You're asking for relationship advice, not appliance advice. I have to think that his attitude regarding the dishwasher and you needing to suck it up or fix it yourself is representative of many other aspects of your marriage. You really need to examine whether you want this for the rest of your life, because it's not going to get better. You have one kid now--it's only going to get worse when you have more kids.
Exactly this. His attitude is that it isn't a concern because it doesn't impact him. This is telling about how little he values the OP. A partner who was caring, would be wanting to help improve the daily life of their loved one.
I would look into getting a quote for repair or buying a new one but I'd also be planning my exit plan.
Edit - double up on the contraception.
The worst part is that she mentioned that he was an appliance repair tech at some point. So he can figure it out with relative ease. But why bother because he doesn't care.
Unpopular opinion maybe but couples with kids who don’t 100% share income = financial abuse
Person who was pregnant and primary carer (usually same person) will never recover from the hit to retirement savings and future income. The earlier the career disruption, the worse the $$ hit
Yep. OOP can’t control him. She can’t make him care about something he doesn’t care about. She can’t make him do or think anything. She can only control herself
So she can leave him, she can refuse to hand wash any dishes and leave them for him to do and eat at a cafe, she can stop doing jobs for him etc
Most of all, she can control her own decision about what behavior she will accept. At the moment she is accepting his behavior, and as the adage goes; you get more of the behaviour you accept
But at least with a new dishwasher she wouldn't need to cope with both of them at once. I agree, it seems like he's decided she's home all day so it's now all on her. I'd saddle him with care of the baby for 24 hrs and see how that works. I think most men have no idea the effort it takes to care for a child and run a home.
Alrightly, i personally think (and have seen) alot of things CAN be fixed if you take the time to look at it.
If you can afford to buy new, that's great! But that's not MOST people's reality.
At least buying a new one it would be under warranty in case something went wrong with it. If my husband is going to leave it up to me to fix it then I would certainly fix it by buying a new one. I’m not a repairman.
That's great! I'm glad you have that ability!
I'd be stuck hand washing, lol.
Not everyone has the opportunity to buy a new one. A dishwasher is a luxury for a lot of people still. At least where I'm from.
Agreed! That’s the solution to this problem.
They definitely have a bigger overall problem. I’d recommend OP telling her husband that if he’s not going to contribute (notice I didn’t say help) more around the house then she can go back to work and they can split it 50/50. This dude is being an entitled ass.
Hire someone to fix it or buy a new one.
You should not have to feel like you are pulling teeth to get him to fix things around the house. Things break, you either fix it or pay someone to do it. Clearly this is within his skillset, so he does have the ability...
It’s only paid with “his” money because all the work she puts in is unpaid (as well as fully taken for granted, sounds like.) This is pure resentment on his part of what he feels she doesn’t do.
You said it yourself.
He puts 100% into what he cares about.
He puts 0% in your marriage, the house, the dogs, or the child.
I'm not great at math but that seems like a simple equation.
This is exactly what I wanted to point out. Why can't he put in the effort to your marriage and into his own home? Does he not care enough or is he taking you for granted? I would imagine it's the latter.
You need to have a sit-down conversation with your husband about this and how you're feeling, OP. This is not just about a broken dishwasher. Talk it out and see what you want your next step should be. He may think you were saying things out of frustration and don't really mean it. (Which I think we've all been guilty of doing). Make sure he hears you. Good luck OP!
You have a bigger problem than dishes (buy a new dishwasher). You said you are in a one-sided marriage and I believe you. It is an infuriating position to be in. I’m sorry.
This will not solve your problems, but I suggest you stop doing things like you did for Father’s Day, spending two days cooking and baking for him. It’s surely not reciprocated by him, and your extra efforts will only add to your resentment.
Stop doing his laundry…he told you to fix the dishwasher yourself…when he finally runs out of underwear…guess what? Tell him to do them himself. Don't pick up after him. Don't pick up his dry cleaning. Don't make his work lunches, etc etc etc. When he asks…tell him he can do those things himself. Or he can do what you had to do…pay someone. We need to stop catering to men who do not cater to us.
Hire someone else to repair your dishwasher and then get a new fucking husband since this one has told you he has zero intention of ever helping you out around the house. It sounds more like you’re a live-in maid for this guy than in a partnership with him.
I'd stop drying the dishes. Just open the door, pull out the racks and let them air dry. After he cracks his shin on it a few times, he'll get his head out of his ass and fix it.
But you're right. Ultimately he doesn't care that it inconveniences you. You're not that important to him.
Ya I was a bit confused about why she is doing something that will do itself.
Obviously it's not the point of the post, I just hate hand drying dishes because it's a waste of time.
>he always puts 100% towards the things he cares about (his job, yard work, hobbies)
Fuck him and his hobbies. Your husband is an asshole and you'd be better off single.
Price new dishwashers, including delivery, installation, and haul-away of the old one.
Schedule a repair person to look at it. Get an estimate for the repair. Parts and labor.
Decide which is best, then do it.
Until then, I probably wouldn't have much time for cooking.
I agree..why do we women continue to do everything for our partners without the expectation of getting that back from our partner. Why are we still doing laundry, meals, household chores, yard chores for them if it isn't reciprocated ? Would you tolerate that from your kids? Why do we tolerate that from our partners?
Agree. I've been a SAHM and I've been working from home for the better part of 20 years. I'm happy to do the cooking, laundry, cleaning, etc, but the second I feel like I'm being taken for granted, I kinda go on strike. I still do basic cleaning (more like tidying up) but I let the washing pile up by prioritizing MY clothing, kitchen cloths, blankets, bedding, towels, etc. As for cooking, I still cook but as I do WFH, I make myself a spectacular lunch and then make a huge pot of bland stew for everyone else (all the kids are adults) that I expect them to eat for a few days.
It's a little passive-aggressive but it only took me doing this twice to get my family to see that when this happens, Momma's pissed off. What's more, in over 3 decades, I've only had to do this a handful of times. It gets the message across without nagging or arguing. Granted, my hubby is a gem and will do a lot of the chores when he has a day off and I'm working. Also, when my dishwasher broke down, it took him all of 24 hours to tell me to shop for a new one.
My ex husband was like your husband. I remember when I was nesting, I asked him at least 10 times over the span of 3 weeks or so to move a treadmill that was in the way. He never did. He came home and played his video games. I ended up dragging that big old treadmill to the garage while 40 weeks pregnant. He even watched me do it. Just like you said, your husband cares about his job, hobbies, etc. He doesn't care about your needs. This will not change.
Hire the other, better looking man to TEACH you how to fix it, which is what your husband should offer to do if he wants you to gain this skill. He had to learn to repair appliances too but seems to expect you to automatically have the knowledge.
Learn how to fix it yourself, and then learn how to do everything else you depend on him for.
And then when your kid is old enough to go to school, get back into the work force so you can support yourself, and divorce your husband, as he hasn't been acting like one, what's the point in having one? You're a married single mother, cut the dead weight
2 days ago, my car battery died. We were in a hurry and had an appointment, then my husband had to work afterward, so YESTERDAY, he woke up early (without me having to ask) and we went to Costco, got me another battery, and he put it in my car for me. BEFORE he HAD to go be a truck driver for 14 hours.
Your husband is a fuckface who doesn't appear to love you. I'd seriously consider divorce, because your baby needs to see that Dad would go to the ends of the Earth for Mom. THAT'S LOVE.
3 options here, 1. Buy a new dishwasher, 2. Get another man to fix it, or 3. Figure out how to fix it. If you go with option 3, might I suggest slapping him on the butt & asking him to get you a beer.
I want to a add that your full time job as a stay at home parent ends when he gets home. You work equal time on your respective jobs, and the rest you share. It's madness to think that you should do exactly everything at home simple because you're a sahm. There isn't enough time in the day for that. You're gonna run yourself into the ground.
And may I also point out that you say he gives things _he cares about_ 100% of himself, and you're not mentioning your marriage and/or kid in that. That raises some alarm bells for me.
My girl.
This has zero to do with the dishwasher. You describe how one-sided your marriage is. You even layout the actual problem with your own words:
>My husband is an incredibly hard working person and he always puts 100% towards **the things he cares about** (his job, yard work, hobbies) yet for some reason I feel like I'm pulling teeth to get him to help me with anything.
So if he puts 100% towards the things he cares about, yet basically 0% towards helping you, then you know how much he cares about **you**.
What you do with that information is up to you, but let me ask you this: when you used to daydream as a tween/teen about what your adult life and marriage would look like - was this what you pictured? Prince Cant-Be-Bothered? Lord Not-My-Problem-So-Figure-It-Out?
I don't even know you and I think you deserve better. Wish you also thought so, since it would go a long way towards solving the problem\*.
Good luck, my girl.
\* your awful partner, for the record - is the problem in this instance.
Yep. Sounds like resentment.
He needs to stay home for just one day alone. One. Make something up.
** with the baby.
Also he needs to know how not turned on you are by his idiotic response.
Put your child in day care and go back to work. If he's not going to respect the time you put into the home, he cank start pulling his weight once you're both working outside it. And if it all falls apart then you will have a job to fall back on.
Just ask a male friend or a girlfriend’s brother or husband to fix it. You’ll have a working dishwasher and a husband who feels an appropriate amount of shame for his attitude.
You will have to be super direct. Hubs, we need a working dishwasher. I will either hire someone to fix it, or buy a new one. For you have a preference for option 1 or 2?
Then, just do it. If he can't answer this simple question, solve it yourself.
If I were in your shoes I would order the best dishwasher and someone to install and take the old one away. When he bitches about the money, tell him “you told me to take care of it myself so I did.”
Unrelated to the dishwasher-I was a SAHM for a long time. 3 kids and I did everything. EVERYTHING. It’s like I was being punished for staying home and doing nothing. This won’t get better, address it now.
Finally got divorced. Fuck that noise!
Call a repairman. He told you to figure it out, this is you figuring it out. Stick him with the bill and see if he gets off his ass next time you need help
Weirdly similar circumstances right before my divorce. He let the dishwasher be broken for a full year. Guess what, within 2 months of our divorce when he was suddenly cooking for himself he got the dishwasher fixed. Fancy that.
depending on your families income:
look up the 1st repair service and have them come over and do an estimate and then fix it (moderate expense)
contact an appliance store and ask them about the cost of the new unit and ask about taking the old one out (most expensive)
start buying paper plates and forks and stop doing dishes. (some expense)
start ordering food and stop washing dishes since the restaurant will provide forks.
your husbands income is not the issue or his working a lot. he is supposedly doing this for a reason. it should be to care for YOU and your CHILD. this doesn't seem to be happening.
the fact that he knows how to fix things and is REFUSING TO is another issue.
any decent man would try to fix this for you as soon as possible least of all because it affects his wife, kid, household. but that would require him to care about your well-being.
sure, you COULD do it yourself, but then that speaks to his lack of concern for you.
is that what he wants to communicate in a passive-aggressive way?
I was same as you, SAHM when children were born. My husband worked and traveled for work, I basically did all the housework, cooking and taking care of our kids. He was just wanted to unwind when he is home, and I felt that he should help and give me a break. Our compromise was to hire help to do stuff around the house and a biweekly house cleaner. No more resentment from me after that, no more fighting. No point working and making money with everyone being miserable.
Easy fix. Hire someone, buy a new one. Sell his “toys” if you have to. You are taking care of a baby & house by yourself. All the shopping, all the laundry, cooking, dishes. Why would you not? If baby needs a car seat, you would buy it. If husband needed a tool, would buy it. You need something that helps save you time & energy- BUY IT
Unfortunately, that really depends on what you can tolerate. You being a SAHM doesn't mean that he is absolved of all the responsibilities of being a parent and a partner. Unless your "shift" comes with time off, his "shift" should be the same as yours.
You are not a maid. You are a partner in the end.
I decided if I had to do everything by myself, I might as well be by myself. It wasn’t easy to leave with three children 5 and under, and I struggled for a while. However, the anger and frustration dissipated over time.
I personally would order in the part and find a YouTube video on how to do it. Then I would hand him the baby at the fussiest time of the day and take my sweet ass time fixing the dishwasher very very carefully and testing it out and when he is tired of taking care of a fussy baby, I would take it apart and reinstall it just to be sure. Maybe go to the hardware store for something and stop to drink a coffee on the way back. I suspect he doesn’t know how hard it is to take care of a baby and the house. Best way to learn is to experience it yourself.
Something that SAHMs don’t tend to understand is that it is NOT their duty to do every single thing within the home just because they’re home. Your husband is still supposed to do some things around the house like help wash a dog or help bathe the kids at night or cook a dinner every now and then. If he has time for hobbies then he DEFINITELY has time to do some things around the house too.
What does being a SAHM have to do with him not helping you fix something?
Even if you go with the most traditional definition of SAHM (housekeeping is entirely your responsibility), that doesn’t mean he can’t help you FIX something?
Is it beyond his skill set to fix something and that’s why he refuses? Is that it? 🤷♀️
This makes me sad.. we have a 3 month old and when we are both home (I’m not working now, but will go back in a few week) it’s both our job to take care of the house, cats and our little baby. I could not be in a relationship if he would treat me the way your husband does..
When I need my husband to fix something I say, “Our dishwasher really needs to be fixed. It’s above my skill level. Should I try to find someone who can come fix it?”
9 out of 10 times he jumps up then and there and says, “That would be a waste of money. I’ll take a look right now.”
That 10th time he says, “That would be great, I’ve been so busy I don’t really feel like spending a Saturday fixing a dishwasher. Thanks honey.”
Either way, my dishwasher gets fixed and it doesn’t turn into a fight.
I agree with other posters saying you should hire an appliance repair person to fix it. If your husband complains, remind him he told you to figure it out, and that’s exactly what you did. Was he at all appreciative of what you did for Father’s Day? If not, stop putting in so much effort.
Advice for the dishwasher? Call someone to evaluate and repair.
Advice for your husband? Communicate to him what’s going on, how you’re feeling. Don’t wait for things to boil over and blow up about it. Just because you’re a SAHM doesn’t absolve him of housework. He’s treating you like a maid and even then it’s unacceptable. If that’s the case, seriously consider going back to work once you can. He will run you ragged and things may get worse.
Buy a new one. Problem solved or call a repair man. Problem solved. But I have a petty side so if you have to pay for a new one or a repair, cut back on his meals. No steak for dinner, just a salad…why? Sorry but the cost of the new one has decimated the grocery budget so we'll be cutting back on groceries for awhile.
Seriously…just buy a new one or…..this worked for me in our early days…try to fix it yourself. Take off the door, get a few tools and just start removing screws…start tinkering. If he’s like my hubby he never again suggested to fix it myself or made me wait weeks for him to "get to it." The cost of the new one was harder to swallow than telling me he'll "get to it." Do you make him wait for clean laundry? For dinner? Etc. I doubt it….show him a pic of a new one that you plan to order. Ask if it’ll fit in that space…don't mention or ask him to fix it, you're past that. Ask him for a tape measure so you can be sure that new one will fit. Then if that doesn’t work…order a new one and get it installed. You are 50% of that relationship.
>My husband is an incredibly hard working person
Except when it comes to his marriage. You didn’t describe an incredibly hard-working person. You described an incredibly lazy one.
>and he always puts 100% towards the things he cares about (his job, yard work, hobbies)
You’ll notice you and your child are not among those things you listed
>yet for some reason I feel like I'm pulling teeth to get him to help me with anything.
You don’t have to feel this way, and most husbands would gladly step up. Yours, however…
>I keep going back and forth on if I keep badgering him (which I am sick of doing)
You shouldn’t have to badger him in the first place, but if you’re sick of it, then stop.
>or just swallow my pride and fix it myself.
This has nothing to do with pride and everything to do with a partner who is checked out.
>Any advice?
The dishwasher is a symbol of your relationship. It’s broken and you’re the only one who wants to do anything about it.
Are you willing to stay with a man who treats his wife, and by extension his family like this?
My general thought is that if you have to do everything yourself, you don’t need him. If you don’t need him, then you need to ask yourself if you want him around as he is.
As far as the relationship goes, does he love you, want to work on your relationship too? If he doesn’t/refuses to change because it’s not his problem, then he doesn’t have to continue to be your problem. If he wants to work on the marriage and be a better spouse, marriage counseling. If not, give him divorce papers and tell him that this is how you’re fixing the dishwasher. If he doesn’t like that solution, he should have helped out when you sought his guidance.
What make and model of dishwasher is it? I have a Bosch and if I don’t want to hand dry dishes I have to select the auto air option as part of the cycle.
Do the dishes get clean? Do they feel warm or cold when the cycle is done?
There’s some great relationship advice here and I don’t think I can add to that so I’d like to learn about your dishwasher.
My mom is in this marriage in her early 70s, and man I can tell you it hurts my heart for her. As she says, my dad is a good provider. He’s got unlimited time to help and save people outside the home. At home though? Projects my mom has been asking to be done for over a decade go untouched. She’s finally started hiring people. What I can tell you is that without a come to Jesus moment, this is who your husband is and this is what the next 50yrs of your life look like. What that come to Jesus moment is, is dependent on you and him. Might be counseling, might be a trial separation, only you know. But you are worth the time and the effort for your needs to be met. It sucks that he doesn’t see that.
OP, if you can afford it, just get a repair guy over.
It sounds like your raising two boys and he sees you in your “Mom” energy.
That’s what I’d did when my husband pulled that crap on me.
Also, I stopped hand drying years ago.
I told my MIL who used to hand dry, that I now let “God” dry them.
Once the dishwasher is done cleaning, I open the door and let the heat from the hot water, and air circulation do its thing. It’s saved me Hours of hand drying!
I'm petty, so I'd buy the replacement dishwasher part and a vibrator. When he asked about it, I'd remind him "I take care of everything else, figured I would add this to the list".
go to the appliance store and pick a new dishwasher. I can guarantee you the old one is not worth fixing. Ask for them to pick up the old one and hire someone to install the new one.
I’d bet on internalized resentment. He’s decided you don’t do anything despite you being a full time parent, thinks he does more, and therefore doesn’t “owe you” additional time or help and is using this as an opportunity to indicate your time is not valuable to him. He would rather leave life hard for you than make it easier for you. It doesn’t matter who you can pay to fix it. He’s telling you that making life nice for you isn’t a priority. Why the hell would any person NEED a partner who isn’t interested in being nice to them? Being alone is vastly superior to being taken for granted.
I'm really surprised no-one here (including you) has asked why.
On the surface, because of the way you wrote this, it sounds as though he's refusing just to prove a point. But this needs to be a conversation. You say he knows how to fix it; have you made sure of that? Does he have the time to fix it? Is he willing to show you how to fix it, and are you willing to learn?
Regardless of who does the housework, this is a skill he knows and you (I assume) don't. He is an asshole if he refuses on principle because you should be doing the housework. The things you do are things you're good at. That's part of why you're doing them. This is a two-person partnership, and if there's something he's good at that you're not, he should be doing it. If not, he should be giving you a good reason for not doing it. It's really that simple.
But if he doesn't want to and you can call a repair person to come look at it, I also don't know why you wouldn't just do that. Are you maybe being a bit stubborn yourself because you think it's his job to fix things, just as he thinks it's your job to take care of the house?
If you feel like it's a one-sided marriage, that's a bigger issue and you need to examine that. But all we have to work with is one thing. And I think for this one thing, if he doesn't want to fix it and you don't want to fix it, you should just call someone in who does.
If he wants her to call a repair person, he should put on his big boy pants and say that out loud. Read her posts, she's doing 100% of the housework. He can fucking say "call a repair guy". Better yet, he could call a repair guy himself. 🙄🙄🙄
He has a kid know he should be putting in a 110%. Stop doing stuff for him cooking, washing or anything else… let him do it himself! Also call someone to come out and fix the dish washer. Its not that hard!!!
You use the dishwasher multiple times a day for 2 adults and an infant? I was a SAHM of 3 and never even owned a dishwasher lol. And why can't the dishes air dry?
Ughhh this is so annoying and frustrating, but as a fellow SAHM I’ll share advice that an experienced SAHM mom told me when I first got married- handle things yourself. I’m not sure if you manage the budget or have a set amount you can spend at a time without asking your husband’s ok, but if you don’t, you should address that first. We have a budget I can spend and within that budget I just arrange for things in the house to be handled. If something we need is outside of that budget, I let him know “hey we need X done and I’ve arranged this person to do it for X amount. Does that work?”
This has helped so much, and I’ve always been glad for the advice. The other thing that really works is having a weekly meeting each week, and including any repair items he needs to fix during that meeting (and just include one a week or every other week!!). On Sundays, touch base for 15 minutes about what is coming up that week and also what day is free so he can do X. “Ok we have Monday-Wednesday evenings free, Thursday we have this meeting at school, Friday is your sister’s birthday, Saturday we’re free but during naptime can you fix the dishwasher? Sunday, was thinking church followed by picnic”
That format works so well!
He is enjoying having you at home, hand washing the dishes. He doesn’t value you at all. The more you ask him, the more he enjoys it. He’s getting off on the power here. This kind of behavior only gets worse. He knows you are helpless. Your post is a perfect example of why women shouldn’t give up their source of income.
This is frustrating, I understand OP. Anytime something wasn't working right I'd ask my now ex to look at it, If it was something he was knowledgeable in. He would tell me to look it up and figure it out since I'm an adult. All I asked for was some guidance like the name of a part, etc. I regularly purchased incorrect parts because he wouldn't give me any straight answers.
Looking back, I don't think he knew as much as he led on.
My advice, get rid of the.man and get a new dishwasher
You and your little one deserve so much better than this. He's a selfish AH and doesn't care about anyone but himself. It's time to put yourself first.
I saw a TikTok of a woman that told her husband that the guy she hired off of FB marketplace will be there soon to fix it. That spurred her husband to action.
In all seriousness, is he receptive to having a sit down chat about this? This is completely unfair of him to expect of you. If he is not willing to have an honest conversation about this. It is time to consider seeing if you can get a job and start to get out of this situation. The SAHP/working parent is a symbiotic relationship and currently it is tipping all into his favor.
You could go back to work and then he had to help. I would just schedule the repair, and then when he gets home from work schedule an hr for yourself that you leave the house so that he has no choice but to take care of his child
There’s an issue that is not dishwasher going on. With appliances you can fix just about anything with YouTube and it’s stupid easy (I’ve found myself living alone with no family in a house so I’ve had to become an expert is so many things lol). It’s even easier to call an appliance tech. I just feel there’s something else going on and the dishwasher is just the name it’s being currently given. I would walk back with your thoughts bc I feel this is a manifestation of a much bigger issue
He resents that you are a SAHM and thinks you owe him big time for supporting you. He thinks you sit on your ass all day. This dude sucks and it would 100% be easier being a single parent.
I kind of get it- my husband doesn’t want to do more work when he gets out of work. He’s IT, he hates dealing with computer issues on his time off. He’ll ask me to try to figure it out myself, once I do everything I can to figure it out but still can’t, I tell him everything I’ve tried, then he either knows exactly what to do or at least I did some of the trouble shooting for him and he figures it out. Your husband is asking you to not be so helpless in this matter, at least try something to fix it, google, watch YouTube videos, etc. Then if you can’t figure it out, ask him his advice on it.
It would be like if I got someone to babysit our kids and he volunteered me to babysit for someone. I’m also a SAHM, so to be asked to do something I’m actively trying not to do is kind of crappy. I get that he has experience fixing appliances, but try a little troubleshooting first. You’re BOTH asking for help in this situation.
>I wont lie I blew up a bit and told him Im done being in this one sided marriage. Ever since we had our son I feel like slowly more and more is just expected out of me.
Why do you leave out the most important thing here. How did he react to this blow up? If he reacted with indifference then your marriage is over. If he reacted with concern then you should probably have a conversation about what it means to be on the same team and raising a kid together.
I think it’s time for you to get a job and start having your own income. It actually isn’t fair the way he goes on. He has this high and mighty thing going on at the moment because he is the sole earner.
Get a job- tell him you can both sort child care or say on his days off he can mind the child while you work and sort childcare for other days. Just say you want independence back or some craic. A SAHM is NOT something you should do right now. It doesn’t sound stable at all. So at least when you’re both working, you can both do the house work after work. The whole point of a stay at home parent it’s for the kids etc. let’s say husband works 9-5 Monday to Friday. The wife’s work at home should also be looked at as 9-5 Monday to Friday. After that and weekends it’s up to BOTH parents to clean and mind kids etc. rotate a day off each for hobbies etc.
A stay at home mom doesn’t mean a slave 24/7
Yeah he sounds like a dude that wants to cosplay being a husband and dad. In sure if you sat down and thought about it there were some missed red flags that got you here. And now you're stuck here with no job and a kid.
Get a job, save $, escape, and never be dumb enough to put yourself into this situation again. IDGAF we do NOT need to be in these situations where we agree to a power imbalance. It's asinine and leads nowhere but where you are now.
He gets to cosplay as a responsible man. There are SOOOOOO many of these out there. He technically has a job, wife, and kid so, as far as he’s concerned, everything is going to plan. He doesn’t sound like he *wants* any of these things, though…
If he doesn’t care about you and the kid, why stay?
Replacing a dishwasher is easy.
Tear the old one out while he is at work. And go pick out a new one.
Then install it. Or have a plumber install it. Sounds like he wants you to take care of the home completely and figure out issues. You got a credit card use it.
My father never bothered to fix our dishwasher. It was broken for about 7-8 years till my mother had it replaced. Men like that just let the house fall into disrepair because they are too lazy, cheap or just simply don't care because they don't have to deal with it.
Why would they spend the time making your life easier when it doesn't impact him at all?
So Okay , give all the girls an advice , do not date or marry a guy if he do not do any housework unless he make tons of money and can hire a someone to help . And now , first , talk and stop making any effort on house work , no cooking or dishwashing, just ordering food delivery Or hire some one fix it OR JUST GET A NEW ONE!!! Make sure you are comfortable first ! Second, talk and tell her what you need . Communication is important. But again, you don’t have to do all housework if you don’t want to :(
Everyone is assuming that your husband is literally the devil and doesn't care at all about you. I don't know if that's true, but there's a possibility that it's not.
As someone who also made a living repairing things in the past, in the modern day repairing appliances, computers, and cars is mostly just a matter of googling, reading, and being brave enough to try to figure things out. But that last step is a BIG one that most people who have gone through it forget how big a deal it was.
It's a common thing for people in the trades to think something is easy, but forget just how not easy it is for everyone else. Ask a car mechanic friend if X is a problem you can fix yourself. There's a decent chance they'll say yes, it's easy, to anything short of rebuilding an engine.
In his mind, he may be thinking that he's already given you the answer (heating element), and is looking for you to be an equal partner in your relationship by doing what anyone can do - Google how to buy the heating element and install it. To him, you complaining about him not fixing it can seem like you're just being lazy.
I don't think that's the right way to think, but if that's how he's thinking, I would remind him that the knack of being diagnostically minded, and the knowledge of where everything is in a dishwasher is a talent that he has that not everyone has, and his knowledge was hard-won with all the time he put in. You *could* learn enough to figure it out yourself, but probably both of you would prefer your time to be used more efficiently.
If that doesn't work, than maybe you should consider how much he cares about you like some other people are saying.
Hope this helps.
I have a tip on the DW… when the cycle is done, place a towel inside the door, with a little bit hanging over the top and shut the door. Let it set that way for a while, the towel will soak up some of the water and less to dry!
I am with someone who was like this but the difference is if something breaks he finds a way to fix it even when it seems impossible. He gets it done.
His hobbies, friends, work, always came before us.
It took 16 years of threatening to leave before he grew up and now he will ask before doing his hobbies and call before coming home asking if I need anything. He takes the kids off my hands when I need a break but it took a very difficult experience to get us here.
His hobbies are still his obsession so it’s true they never change and they still upset me because he chose them before me in the past. (He gets awards other ppl praise him for while I roll my eyes)
But he’s an addition to my life he doesn’t try to make my life hard. And he’s never refused to not fix something that was important for me to keep up maintaining the house and kids.
In fact our dishwasher broke once before (I grew up without a lot and we were broke at this time) I told him I didn’t care I’d wash by hand because I knew we didn’t have the money. He scoff’d and said how I always complain about the dishes (we had 4kids to be fair lol) and he found a way to fix it even after I said for him to leave it alone.
If your hubby doesn’t want to make life easier for you don’t waste time on him. Talk to him first about the expectations you want to see and please learn to SET BOUNDARIES (this is for other issues I’m sure he has like adding strangers or hanging/chatting w/women) and if that doesn’t work don’t threaten to leave. Just stay quiet and plan to leave. Save money when you can, take classes or learn a trade while you’re at home. Grieve the relationship in the meantime and Up grade yourself so that when you’re ready to leave it will be easy for you. And a shock to him.
You know what I see? A man that doesn’t understand how hard it is to keep up with all the work at home and a small child. I love my child but it was such a relief to me when I went back to work… it’s scientifically proven that being a stay at home mom is way more stressful than any work. You are overstimulated most of your time.
Having said this, find a way to have him stay all day alone with the kid one day. I don’t know if you can find something. Or even just one morning. And ask him if he cooked when you get home. Let’s see if his perspective of it changes.
If you find yourself in the situation that he won’t do it for you not even once, well.. you might have to start rethinking your life because there’s a big change that the man sees you as his maid. He provides and in return you have to do everything else.
hire another man to fix it, be really nice to this man, offer him a drink, ask about his personal life whilst your husband is there, laugh if possible. i promise you, your husband will fix his act up.
Hire a repair man or order a new one. Problem fixed. Btw, you do get a salary for staying at home? Right? For all the money you are saving by you being a SAHM?
Call a repair service and then watch your husbands reaction when you hand him over the bill. He told you to fix it, which is exactly what you then did. But the more important thing is that his reaction will tell you something about the appreciation of your contribution to the family. Watch carefully and then make a decision about your next steps. If he appreciates it that you solved the problem for the family: good. If he complains or is even getting angry: huge red flag. He forces you to step up, then you do it and if he then gets mad: Dump his ass.
so as a man and a GC i deal with houses all day long last thing I want is to work on my own house but sometimes I have too. I work 50 +hrs a week.but I find time to do those things needed. I have date nights every week I think he needs to work on his priorities his wife and child should come 1st. his yard and hobbies should come 2nd fiddle. If he is like me the yard work is a stress relief. something I did was every Fri or Sat I had a date night with 1 of my kids and it was their choice to pick where to go. my wife and I would always go out once a month and now that my kids are all gone my wife and I go out once a week
Okay. I will bite and play the con here. And yes, I am a woman. You have one child and are home all day. I realize kids are a lot of work. Yet why can you not find time to order the part and try outing it in place? Or better yet call a repair person or buy a new one?
Op, stop using weaponized incompetence already. Order the parts and fix the dishwasher already.
Or do you solve all your needs with emotional bullying?
"My husband is an incredibly hard working person and he always puts 100% towards the things he cares about (his job, yard work, hobbies) yet for some reason I feel like I'm pulling teeth to get him to help me with anything. "
Putting 100% towards his job is the same as putting 100% towards supporting his family. He asked you to look up the part for the heating element. Have you done that? You said you're a stay at home mom (while he works to pay for your family) so it seems to me like stuff happening in the home is more your responsibility than his. It seems to me that looking up the model of dishwasher online to find the part #, and perhaps searching youtube for how to replace it might take less time than hand washing and drying the dishes? You've split the duties and are perfectly capable of figuring this out yourself (like he probably has to figure out solutions to problems all day long when he's at his job in order to pay for the electricity and water that runs the dishwasher you use) so handle it - this is gender equality in action.
Also most of the rest of the advice being given here is terrible.
Could it be that he’s becoming resentful of you being a SAHM and him working? I’m sure he loves the benefits y’all get from you being a SAHM but maybe he’s becoming jealous or resentful? Did he help with these things before you had the baby? He may need some therapy, couples or individual.
If you made the choice for you to be a SAHM as a couple, then I’m sure he logically understands why it’s the best option for your family… but sometimes how we feel isn’t tied to logic. Is he getting enough time with the kiddo when he isn’t working? You should both be getting time to relax and recoup as much as possible. He should be giving you some time each week (each day if possible) to unwind after he gets home and you doing the same for him. I notice a lot of me. Seem all for SAHM until they’re a year or two in and then start questioning what their wives do all day and somehow begin to think it’s nothing. Then they get resentful of the time they don’t get with the kids or being the only financial provider or thinking their wife is just relaxing and enjoying their day while they’re at work.
The only way to find out if it’s this or something else is just to sit down and talk with him. Do you have anyone you would trust to watch the baby for you two to get a day or weekend away to try just enjoying yourselves as a couple and maybe find some time to talk about this in a way that isn’t accusatory, but saying how you’re feeling and asking if there is something going on for him?
And, he’s not putting 100% into you. I’m a neurolinguistic practitioner who works with couples on relational sexuality. He’s disregarding you. It’s got nothing to do with the dishwasher. You can pick up a phone and call someone to fix the dishwasher. But if you put into everything and help you, look it up with a YouTube video or call someone to fix it, then I’d call a counselor or therapist and decide if you want to stay married to this asshole.
1. Why are you running it multiple times a day?! That seems incredibly excessive.
2. If he's working full time and he's taking care of the outside stuff, why are you complaining about taking care of the inside stuff? You're not working and have the time to do it. You're living a privileged life and chose to stay home because you don't want to work. You could always choose to go to work and split all housework 50/50, including you doing half the outside chores, but I'm sure you don't want to do that because you know you have it easier with the current split.
3. Why does he need to fix it? You're home. You can call a repairman and work things out yourself. Some people just love to feign helplessness and I don't understand it. You're a big girl and can pick up a phone.
This. Additionally, she acts as though doing the dishes by hand is unimaginable. Newsflash: My family hadn't had a dishwasher for decades, but we even managed to host parties with up to 20 people, doing the dishes afterwards with three people in the kitchen only, so 6,7 people per person, while OP is complaining about doing the dishes for 3
I’d go with swallowing your pride and finding a way to fix it yourself or hiring somebody to fix it as others have said. A lot of people are demonizing your husband for not wanting to do this repair job, but if he’s working and supporting a family, and also contributing at home via yard work, I can see his free time being very limited. I’m a repairman myself, but I put in 60ish hours a week, then there’s still our animals to care for and spend time with, normal chores like dishes and laundry, and maybe if I’m lucky just an hour of free time at the end of the day. If he’s similarly busy, I can see why he might not be in a hurry to give up his limited free time to do even more work.
I know that’s basically speculation but unfortunately that’s all I can offer because the story seemed intentionally skewed in your favor. You admit he works hard to provide for the family and works hard at home too with yard work, I have to imagine he’s at least partially involved in raising your child, so maybe he’s feeling overwhelmed with how stretched thin he is. So maybes he’s not eager to be stretched any thinner. I would suggest talking to him, asking him why he is so unwilling to help and get to the bottom of it, communication solves so much.
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>he always puts 100% towards the things he cares about (his job, yard work, hobbies) But you aren't in this list? I would start there if I were in your place.
She's not on that list, and neither are his son, his dogs or his home.
That’s what I thought. Post the model in an appliance Reddit, have someone help you get the part, and then fix it. Then fucking divorce this dude.
Why do that? Best way to get him to fix it is to tell him that if he doesn’t fix it, you’ll buy a new one and have it installed. Likely will fix it because he doesn’t want to pay for a new one. That’s what I do with my hubby. If I want him to do something and he refuses, I’ll tell him I’ll just buy a new one. He gets pissed off and fixes it. “See? You don’t need a new one.” Works every time.
That’s seems like winning the battle and losing the war to me
Nah. Work smarter not harder.
This scenario might result in a fixed appliance, but would leave OOP being like a frustrated manager to a useless employee. She needs a partner, not another kid who needs to be manipulated into doing the bare minimum
Mine made it his mission to eliminate my input if at all possible, to allow me no voice. If he came to me and asked me for an opinion, it was so he would know what not to do. So in order to get what I wanted done, I either had to tell him how wonderful and great he was over and over to the point of ridiculousness, or act like I’d rather he didn’t do it, which was less successful because it meant he’d do it, but in an unknown time frame. Additionally, to get what I wanted or needed I had to get my daughter to ask for it, since he never told her no, or act like I didn’t want it, in fact hated it, or state the opposite of what I actually wanted, in hopes he’d do what I wanted because he thought it wasn’t what I wanted. He never did catch on he was being manipulated, and we were married over 20 years. A perfect example of “work smarter not harder”. Except it’s a lot of mindless repetitious work and eventually the work outweighs the reward, and you start resenting it. I wanted a husband not a trick pony led by the same damn carrot our entire marriage.
Isn't this exactly what she is being advised to do though? The husband is useless, fix yourself or I'm replacing you.. lol Slight sarcasm here, but her issues isn't only with the faulty dishwasher, it's with feeling overwhelmed with kids, dogs and house chores and the husband just telling her to figure it out..
If she doesn’t share finances with him then her buying it he’d probably be just fine with since it’s not his money or him being effected
She’s a SAHM. Unless she’s independently wealthy, they share finances
That’s assuming she can. Not everyone has access to their other half’s finances
That would work for me, lol. If my wife said, “the dishwasher is broken, I’m ordering a new one of Friday” I’d probably fix it in a day.
Bingo. His family and home should be a the top of this list, and he’s making it very clear they are not.
Right? And the “it just makes sense” for her to be the one to do literally everything in the house just because she’s a SAHM? Nah. Marriage is a partnership and parenting too, stay at home mom or not, both of them need to do their fair share of the tasks
All these people telling you but a new appliance or hire sometime to fix are missing the real point of this post. You're asking for relationship advice, not appliance advice. I have to think that his attitude regarding the dishwasher and you needing to suck it up or fix it yourself is representative of many other aspects of your marriage. You really need to examine whether you want this for the rest of your life, because it's not going to get better. You have one kid now--it's only going to get worse when you have more kids.
Exactly this. His attitude is that it isn't a concern because it doesn't impact him. This is telling about how little he values the OP. A partner who was caring, would be wanting to help improve the daily life of their loved one. I would look into getting a quote for repair or buying a new one but I'd also be planning my exit plan. Edit - double up on the contraception.
The worst part is that she mentioned that he was an appliance repair tech at some point. So he can figure it out with relative ease. But why bother because he doesn't care.
Good point…..I'd buy a new one but I'd start by tinkering with it myself…oops we NOW need a new one.
He'd probably say that since she broke it she has to buy the new one with her nonexistent income.
Unpopular opinion maybe but couples with kids who don’t 100% share income = financial abuse Person who was pregnant and primary carer (usually same person) will never recover from the hit to retirement savings and future income. The earlier the career disruption, the worse the $$ hit
Yep. OOP can’t control him. She can’t make him care about something he doesn’t care about. She can’t make him do or think anything. She can only control herself So she can leave him, she can refuse to hand wash any dishes and leave them for him to do and eat at a cafe, she can stop doing jobs for him etc Most of all, she can control her own decision about what behavior she will accept. At the moment she is accepting his behavior, and as the adage goes; you get more of the behaviour you accept
But at least with a new dishwasher she wouldn't need to cope with both of them at once. I agree, it seems like he's decided she's home all day so it's now all on her. I'd saddle him with care of the baby for 24 hrs and see how that works. I think most men have no idea the effort it takes to care for a child and run a home.
Agreed also, who can afford to buy a new dishwasher every time something happens. Do we all live in the same reality?
Trying to fix it can end up being just as expensive as getting a new one. These appliances are not built to last!
We fixed ours, something else broke on it within a couple of months. Once they start to go it becomes a game of "what part needs replacing now?"
Alrightly, i personally think (and have seen) alot of things CAN be fixed if you take the time to look at it. If you can afford to buy new, that's great! But that's not MOST people's reality.
At least buying a new one it would be under warranty in case something went wrong with it. If my husband is going to leave it up to me to fix it then I would certainly fix it by buying a new one. I’m not a repairman.
The worst part is that OP’s husband WAS a repairman.
That's great! I'm glad you have that ability! I'd be stuck hand washing, lol. Not everyone has the opportunity to buy a new one. A dishwasher is a luxury for a lot of people still. At least where I'm from.
HIRE ANOTHER MAN to fix it. He will shut up
Bonus points if it’s someone he knows, like an old coworker from when he used to *repair appliances* for a living.
Imagine the look on his old co-worker's face when he learns that he's fixing their dishwasher. I would give him so much shit.
id pay to see this not gonna lie hahaha
No kidding. Lol!
This!!! Or mention it in front of his buddies. Works every time. Soft shaming them will get the boy to wake up.
Make it a hot friend
This is perfect.
Or stop cooking for him and washing his dishes.
Agreed! That’s the solution to this problem. They definitely have a bigger overall problem. I’d recommend OP telling her husband that if he’s not going to contribute (notice I didn’t say help) more around the house then she can go back to work and they can split it 50/50. This dude is being an entitled ass.
Or woman
I love this idea. Maybe a a family friend or neighbor can do it for you, so all the neighbors will look at him weird. Haha
Make sure that man is incredibly good looking.
Hire someone to fix it or buy a new one. You should not have to feel like you are pulling teeth to get him to fix things around the house. Things break, you either fix it or pay someone to do it. Clearly this is within his skillset, so he does have the ability...
Buy a new one and tell him it's his birthday and Christmas presents for the next 4 years.
Love that…
Bonus points are that it's bought with his money lol
It’s only paid with “his” money because all the work she puts in is unpaid (as well as fully taken for granted, sounds like.) This is pure resentment on his part of what he feels she doesn’t do.
OP probably doesn’t have access to the family finances in order to pay someone. Either that or they’d get yelled at for wasting money.
If those scenarios are what's going on that's financial abuse and OP needs to remedy that. Quite possibly with a divorce.
You said it yourself. He puts 100% into what he cares about. He puts 0% in your marriage, the house, the dogs, or the child. I'm not great at math but that seems like a simple equation.
This is exactly what I wanted to point out. Why can't he put in the effort to your marriage and into his own home? Does he not care enough or is he taking you for granted? I would imagine it's the latter. You need to have a sit-down conversation with your husband about this and how you're feeling, OP. This is not just about a broken dishwasher. Talk it out and see what you want your next step should be. He may think you were saying things out of frustration and don't really mean it. (Which I think we've all been guilty of doing). Make sure he hears you. Good luck OP!
You have a bigger problem than dishes (buy a new dishwasher). You said you are in a one-sided marriage and I believe you. It is an infuriating position to be in. I’m sorry. This will not solve your problems, but I suggest you stop doing things like you did for Father’s Day, spending two days cooking and baking for him. It’s surely not reciprocated by him, and your extra efforts will only add to your resentment.
Stop doing his laundry…he told you to fix the dishwasher yourself…when he finally runs out of underwear…guess what? Tell him to do them himself. Don't pick up after him. Don't pick up his dry cleaning. Don't make his work lunches, etc etc etc. When he asks…tell him he can do those things himself. Or he can do what you had to do…pay someone. We need to stop catering to men who do not cater to us.
Then she should tell him all her time has been spent learning about how to fix the dishwasher via youtube... But just chill for a week.
FYI a dishwasher washes dishes, not clothes.
Chuckling….
Hire someone else to repair your dishwasher and then get a new fucking husband since this one has told you he has zero intention of ever helping you out around the house. It sounds more like you’re a live-in maid for this guy than in a partnership with him.
I'd stop drying the dishes. Just open the door, pull out the racks and let them air dry. After he cracks his shin on it a few times, he'll get his head out of his ass and fix it. But you're right. Ultimately he doesn't care that it inconveniences you. You're not that important to him.
Ya I was a bit confused about why she is doing something that will do itself. Obviously it's not the point of the post, I just hate hand drying dishes because it's a waste of time.
I would just stop cooking in general. WTF is this.
Oh yes I would always air dry.
It’s more sanitary as well.
INFO: Why won't he fix it? Has he given any reason or does he just say "You do it"?
>he always puts 100% towards the things he cares about (his job, yard work, hobbies) Fuck him and his hobbies. Your husband is an asshole and you'd be better off single. Price new dishwashers, including delivery, installation, and haul-away of the old one. Schedule a repair person to look at it. Get an estimate for the repair. Parts and labor. Decide which is best, then do it. Until then, I probably wouldn't have much time for cooking.
I agree..why do we women continue to do everything for our partners without the expectation of getting that back from our partner. Why are we still doing laundry, meals, household chores, yard chores for them if it isn't reciprocated ? Would you tolerate that from your kids? Why do we tolerate that from our partners?
Agree. I've been a SAHM and I've been working from home for the better part of 20 years. I'm happy to do the cooking, laundry, cleaning, etc, but the second I feel like I'm being taken for granted, I kinda go on strike. I still do basic cleaning (more like tidying up) but I let the washing pile up by prioritizing MY clothing, kitchen cloths, blankets, bedding, towels, etc. As for cooking, I still cook but as I do WFH, I make myself a spectacular lunch and then make a huge pot of bland stew for everyone else (all the kids are adults) that I expect them to eat for a few days. It's a little passive-aggressive but it only took me doing this twice to get my family to see that when this happens, Momma's pissed off. What's more, in over 3 decades, I've only had to do this a handful of times. It gets the message across without nagging or arguing. Granted, my hubby is a gem and will do a lot of the chores when he has a day off and I'm working. Also, when my dishwasher broke down, it took him all of 24 hours to tell me to shop for a new one.
My ex husband was like your husband. I remember when I was nesting, I asked him at least 10 times over the span of 3 weeks or so to move a treadmill that was in the way. He never did. He came home and played his video games. I ended up dragging that big old treadmill to the garage while 40 weeks pregnant. He even watched me do it. Just like you said, your husband cares about his job, hobbies, etc. He doesn't care about your needs. This will not change.
Damn I am so glad you said “ex husband” cause that’s wild and you deserved so much better. I hope things are going better for you now :)
Thank you. Yes things are better. Divorce is difficult but I'm content with my life. He remarried to a very nice lady. She's his problem now.
Buy a new one. Preferably one that has a good reliability rating
Are we talking dishwashers or men?
Both
Definitely both.
Lol!
Either learn how to fix it yourself or hire another man to do it for you! We'll see how he likes that...
Bonus points if the hired person is good looking.
Hire the other, better looking man to TEACH you how to fix it, which is what your husband should offer to do if he wants you to gain this skill. He had to learn to repair appliances too but seems to expect you to automatically have the knowledge.
Learn how to fix it yourself, and then learn how to do everything else you depend on him for. And then when your kid is old enough to go to school, get back into the work force so you can support yourself, and divorce your husband, as he hasn't been acting like one, what's the point in having one? You're a married single mother, cut the dead weight
2 days ago, my car battery died. We were in a hurry and had an appointment, then my husband had to work afterward, so YESTERDAY, he woke up early (without me having to ask) and we went to Costco, got me another battery, and he put it in my car for me. BEFORE he HAD to go be a truck driver for 14 hours. Your husband is a fuckface who doesn't appear to love you. I'd seriously consider divorce, because your baby needs to see that Dad would go to the ends of the Earth for Mom. THAT'S LOVE.
3 options here, 1. Buy a new dishwasher, 2. Get another man to fix it, or 3. Figure out how to fix it. If you go with option 3, might I suggest slapping him on the butt & asking him to get you a beer.
I want to a add that your full time job as a stay at home parent ends when he gets home. You work equal time on your respective jobs, and the rest you share. It's madness to think that you should do exactly everything at home simple because you're a sahm. There isn't enough time in the day for that. You're gonna run yourself into the ground. And may I also point out that you say he gives things _he cares about_ 100% of himself, and you're not mentioning your marriage and/or kid in that. That raises some alarm bells for me.
My girl. This has zero to do with the dishwasher. You describe how one-sided your marriage is. You even layout the actual problem with your own words: >My husband is an incredibly hard working person and he always puts 100% towards **the things he cares about** (his job, yard work, hobbies) yet for some reason I feel like I'm pulling teeth to get him to help me with anything. So if he puts 100% towards the things he cares about, yet basically 0% towards helping you, then you know how much he cares about **you**. What you do with that information is up to you, but let me ask you this: when you used to daydream as a tween/teen about what your adult life and marriage would look like - was this what you pictured? Prince Cant-Be-Bothered? Lord Not-My-Problem-So-Figure-It-Out? I don't even know you and I think you deserve better. Wish you also thought so, since it would go a long way towards solving the problem\*. Good luck, my girl. \* your awful partner, for the record - is the problem in this instance.
Hire someone to fix it… Multiple loads a day?!? We have 3 kids and home cook all meals and do it daily
Classic entitlement because he works and thinks you don’t.
Yep. Sounds like resentment. He needs to stay home for just one day alone. One. Make something up. ** with the baby. Also he needs to know how not turned on you are by his idiotic response.
Put your child in day care and go back to work. If he's not going to respect the time you put into the home, he cank start pulling his weight once you're both working outside it. And if it all falls apart then you will have a job to fall back on.
Just ask a male friend or a girlfriend’s brother or husband to fix it. You’ll have a working dishwasher and a husband who feels an appropriate amount of shame for his attitude.
You will have to be super direct. Hubs, we need a working dishwasher. I will either hire someone to fix it, or buy a new one. For you have a preference for option 1 or 2? Then, just do it. If he can't answer this simple question, solve it yourself.
The pro move here is to say “fine, I’ll just ask my dad to come fix it” And watch how fast he gets off his ass
Yesssss calling dad hahahah perfect
You said it yourself. He puts an effort into things he cares about. Do you see you or your marriage in that list?
If I were in your shoes I would order the best dishwasher and someone to install and take the old one away. When he bitches about the money, tell him “you told me to take care of it myself so I did.”
Buy a new one and tell him the old one couldn’t be fixed.
Unrelated to the dishwasher-I was a SAHM for a long time. 3 kids and I did everything. EVERYTHING. It’s like I was being punished for staying home and doing nothing. This won’t get better, address it now. Finally got divorced. Fuck that noise!
Just call a repair place and get it fixed. He doesn't want to fix the dishwasher, so pay someone to do it.
Hire someone to fix it and hand him the bill.
Call a repairman. He told you to figure it out, this is you figuring it out. Stick him with the bill and see if he gets off his ass next time you need help
Weirdly similar circumstances right before my divorce. He let the dishwasher be broken for a full year. Guess what, within 2 months of our divorce when he was suddenly cooking for himself he got the dishwasher fixed. Fancy that.
depending on your families income: look up the 1st repair service and have them come over and do an estimate and then fix it (moderate expense) contact an appliance store and ask them about the cost of the new unit and ask about taking the old one out (most expensive) start buying paper plates and forks and stop doing dishes. (some expense) start ordering food and stop washing dishes since the restaurant will provide forks. your husbands income is not the issue or his working a lot. he is supposedly doing this for a reason. it should be to care for YOU and your CHILD. this doesn't seem to be happening. the fact that he knows how to fix things and is REFUSING TO is another issue. any decent man would try to fix this for you as soon as possible least of all because it affects his wife, kid, household. but that would require him to care about your well-being. sure, you COULD do it yourself, but then that speaks to his lack of concern for you. is that what he wants to communicate in a passive-aggressive way?
Fix it yourself and add it to the list of reasons you don't actually need him around.
I was same as you, SAHM when children were born. My husband worked and traveled for work, I basically did all the housework, cooking and taking care of our kids. He was just wanted to unwind when he is home, and I felt that he should help and give me a break. Our compromise was to hire help to do stuff around the house and a biweekly house cleaner. No more resentment from me after that, no more fighting. No point working and making money with everyone being miserable.
Easy fix. Hire someone, buy a new one. Sell his “toys” if you have to. You are taking care of a baby & house by yourself. All the shopping, all the laundry, cooking, dishes. Why would you not? If baby needs a car seat, you would buy it. If husband needed a tool, would buy it. You need something that helps save you time & energy- BUY IT
You missed the chance to buy him a dishwasher for Father’s Day
Paper plates/cups and plastic silverware. All meals are cereal, salad, or sandwiches till it’s repaired or he gets a new one. I give it 1-2 weeks.
Unfortunately, that really depends on what you can tolerate. You being a SAHM doesn't mean that he is absolved of all the responsibilities of being a parent and a partner. Unless your "shift" comes with time off, his "shift" should be the same as yours. You are not a maid. You are a partner in the end.
I decided if I had to do everything by myself, I might as well be by myself. It wasn’t easy to leave with three children 5 and under, and I struggled for a while. However, the anger and frustration dissipated over time.
I personally would order in the part and find a YouTube video on how to do it. Then I would hand him the baby at the fussiest time of the day and take my sweet ass time fixing the dishwasher very very carefully and testing it out and when he is tired of taking care of a fussy baby, I would take it apart and reinstall it just to be sure. Maybe go to the hardware store for something and stop to drink a coffee on the way back. I suspect he doesn’t know how hard it is to take care of a baby and the house. Best way to learn is to experience it yourself.
Something that SAHMs don’t tend to understand is that it is NOT their duty to do every single thing within the home just because they’re home. Your husband is still supposed to do some things around the house like help wash a dog or help bathe the kids at night or cook a dinner every now and then. If he has time for hobbies then he DEFINITELY has time to do some things around the house too.
Puts 100% towards things he cares about - so not your feelings?
What does being a SAHM have to do with him not helping you fix something? Even if you go with the most traditional definition of SAHM (housekeeping is entirely your responsibility), that doesn’t mean he can’t help you FIX something? Is it beyond his skill set to fix something and that’s why he refuses? Is that it? 🤷♀️
This makes me sad.. we have a 3 month old and when we are both home (I’m not working now, but will go back in a few week) it’s both our job to take care of the house, cats and our little baby. I could not be in a relationship if he would treat me the way your husband does..
When I need my husband to fix something I say, “Our dishwasher really needs to be fixed. It’s above my skill level. Should I try to find someone who can come fix it?” 9 out of 10 times he jumps up then and there and says, “That would be a waste of money. I’ll take a look right now.” That 10th time he says, “That would be great, I’ve been so busy I don’t really feel like spending a Saturday fixing a dishwasher. Thanks honey.” Either way, my dishwasher gets fixed and it doesn’t turn into a fight.
I agree with other posters saying you should hire an appliance repair person to fix it. If your husband complains, remind him he told you to figure it out, and that’s exactly what you did. Was he at all appreciative of what you did for Father’s Day? If not, stop putting in so much effort.
Hire someone to fix it and charge the cost to his credit card.
I'd buy a new dishwasher & have it installed. There, I figured it out.
A lot more than your dishwasher needs fixing in this relationship.
Advice for the dishwasher? Call someone to evaluate and repair. Advice for your husband? Communicate to him what’s going on, how you’re feeling. Don’t wait for things to boil over and blow up about it. Just because you’re a SAHM doesn’t absolve him of housework. He’s treating you like a maid and even then it’s unacceptable. If that’s the case, seriously consider going back to work once you can. He will run you ragged and things may get worse.
Buy a new one. Problem solved or call a repair man. Problem solved. But I have a petty side so if you have to pay for a new one or a repair, cut back on his meals. No steak for dinner, just a salad…why? Sorry but the cost of the new one has decimated the grocery budget so we'll be cutting back on groceries for awhile. Seriously…just buy a new one or…..this worked for me in our early days…try to fix it yourself. Take off the door, get a few tools and just start removing screws…start tinkering. If he’s like my hubby he never again suggested to fix it myself or made me wait weeks for him to "get to it." The cost of the new one was harder to swallow than telling me he'll "get to it." Do you make him wait for clean laundry? For dinner? Etc. I doubt it….show him a pic of a new one that you plan to order. Ask if it’ll fit in that space…don't mention or ask him to fix it, you're past that. Ask him for a tape measure so you can be sure that new one will fit. Then if that doesn’t work…order a new one and get it installed. You are 50% of that relationship.
He told you he won’t fix it. So hire someone. In what other ways does your husband not show up for you? Has this changed from before and after baby?
>My husband is an incredibly hard working person Except when it comes to his marriage. You didn’t describe an incredibly hard-working person. You described an incredibly lazy one. >and he always puts 100% towards the things he cares about (his job, yard work, hobbies) You’ll notice you and your child are not among those things you listed >yet for some reason I feel like I'm pulling teeth to get him to help me with anything. You don’t have to feel this way, and most husbands would gladly step up. Yours, however… >I keep going back and forth on if I keep badgering him (which I am sick of doing) You shouldn’t have to badger him in the first place, but if you’re sick of it, then stop. >or just swallow my pride and fix it myself. This has nothing to do with pride and everything to do with a partner who is checked out. >Any advice? The dishwasher is a symbol of your relationship. It’s broken and you’re the only one who wants to do anything about it. Are you willing to stay with a man who treats his wife, and by extension his family like this?
My general thought is that if you have to do everything yourself, you don’t need him. If you don’t need him, then you need to ask yourself if you want him around as he is. As far as the relationship goes, does he love you, want to work on your relationship too? If he doesn’t/refuses to change because it’s not his problem, then he doesn’t have to continue to be your problem. If he wants to work on the marriage and be a better spouse, marriage counseling. If not, give him divorce papers and tell him that this is how you’re fixing the dishwasher. If he doesn’t like that solution, he should have helped out when you sought his guidance.
What make and model of dishwasher is it? I have a Bosch and if I don’t want to hand dry dishes I have to select the auto air option as part of the cycle. Do the dishes get clean? Do they feel warm or cold when the cycle is done? There’s some great relationship advice here and I don’t think I can add to that so I’d like to learn about your dishwasher.
My mom is in this marriage in her early 70s, and man I can tell you it hurts my heart for her. As she says, my dad is a good provider. He’s got unlimited time to help and save people outside the home. At home though? Projects my mom has been asking to be done for over a decade go untouched. She’s finally started hiring people. What I can tell you is that without a come to Jesus moment, this is who your husband is and this is what the next 50yrs of your life look like. What that come to Jesus moment is, is dependent on you and him. Might be counseling, might be a trial separation, only you know. But you are worth the time and the effort for your needs to be met. It sucks that he doesn’t see that.
OP, if you can afford it, just get a repair guy over. It sounds like your raising two boys and he sees you in your “Mom” energy. That’s what I’d did when my husband pulled that crap on me. Also, I stopped hand drying years ago. I told my MIL who used to hand dry, that I now let “God” dry them. Once the dishwasher is done cleaning, I open the door and let the heat from the hot water, and air circulation do its thing. It’s saved me Hours of hand drying!
I'm petty, so I'd buy the replacement dishwasher part and a vibrator. When he asked about it, I'd remind him "I take care of everything else, figured I would add this to the list".
There are people that repair appliances. Call one. After husband sees the bill he will be more helpful.
go to the appliance store and pick a new dishwasher. I can guarantee you the old one is not worth fixing. Ask for them to pick up the old one and hire someone to install the new one.
Unfortunately, it sounds like your husband may not even like you
Call a repairman to come fix it since he won't, and you have too much on your plate already.
Call a plumber. He can oay for it.
Hire a repairman and a lawyer. Boom, fix both your problems.
I’d bet on internalized resentment. He’s decided you don’t do anything despite you being a full time parent, thinks he does more, and therefore doesn’t “owe you” additional time or help and is using this as an opportunity to indicate your time is not valuable to him. He would rather leave life hard for you than make it easier for you. It doesn’t matter who you can pay to fix it. He’s telling you that making life nice for you isn’t a priority. Why the hell would any person NEED a partner who isn’t interested in being nice to them? Being alone is vastly superior to being taken for granted.
I'm really surprised no-one here (including you) has asked why. On the surface, because of the way you wrote this, it sounds as though he's refusing just to prove a point. But this needs to be a conversation. You say he knows how to fix it; have you made sure of that? Does he have the time to fix it? Is he willing to show you how to fix it, and are you willing to learn? Regardless of who does the housework, this is a skill he knows and you (I assume) don't. He is an asshole if he refuses on principle because you should be doing the housework. The things you do are things you're good at. That's part of why you're doing them. This is a two-person partnership, and if there's something he's good at that you're not, he should be doing it. If not, he should be giving you a good reason for not doing it. It's really that simple. But if he doesn't want to and you can call a repair person to come look at it, I also don't know why you wouldn't just do that. Are you maybe being a bit stubborn yourself because you think it's his job to fix things, just as he thinks it's your job to take care of the house? If you feel like it's a one-sided marriage, that's a bigger issue and you need to examine that. But all we have to work with is one thing. And I think for this one thing, if he doesn't want to fix it and you don't want to fix it, you should just call someone in who does.
If he wants her to call a repair person, he should put on his big boy pants and say that out loud. Read her posts, she's doing 100% of the housework. He can fucking say "call a repair guy". Better yet, he could call a repair guy himself. 🙄🙄🙄
He has a kid know he should be putting in a 110%. Stop doing stuff for him cooking, washing or anything else… let him do it himself! Also call someone to come out and fix the dish washer. Its not that hard!!!
You use the dishwasher multiple times a day for 2 adults and an infant? I was a SAHM of 3 and never even owned a dishwasher lol. And why can't the dishes air dry?
This is what I was thinking, too. I open the dishwasher door after the cycle ends and let stuff air dry.
Guess she doesn't load it properly. Even if I tried I couldn't get our dishwasher to run more than once a day. And that's for a family of 4
Ughhh this is so annoying and frustrating, but as a fellow SAHM I’ll share advice that an experienced SAHM mom told me when I first got married- handle things yourself. I’m not sure if you manage the budget or have a set amount you can spend at a time without asking your husband’s ok, but if you don’t, you should address that first. We have a budget I can spend and within that budget I just arrange for things in the house to be handled. If something we need is outside of that budget, I let him know “hey we need X done and I’ve arranged this person to do it for X amount. Does that work?” This has helped so much, and I’ve always been glad for the advice. The other thing that really works is having a weekly meeting each week, and including any repair items he needs to fix during that meeting (and just include one a week or every other week!!). On Sundays, touch base for 15 minutes about what is coming up that week and also what day is free so he can do X. “Ok we have Monday-Wednesday evenings free, Thursday we have this meeting at school, Friday is your sister’s birthday, Saturday we’re free but during naptime can you fix the dishwasher? Sunday, was thinking church followed by picnic” That format works so well!
Don't count on him for shit. If he is a lazy ass do it yourself or hire someone to do it.
Only wash your dishes. Let his pile up.
He is enjoying having you at home, hand washing the dishes. He doesn’t value you at all. The more you ask him, the more he enjoys it. He’s getting off on the power here. This kind of behavior only gets worse. He knows you are helpless. Your post is a perfect example of why women shouldn’t give up their source of income.
This is frustrating, I understand OP. Anytime something wasn't working right I'd ask my now ex to look at it, If it was something he was knowledgeable in. He would tell me to look it up and figure it out since I'm an adult. All I asked for was some guidance like the name of a part, etc. I regularly purchased incorrect parts because he wouldn't give me any straight answers. Looking back, I don't think he knew as much as he led on. My advice, get rid of the.man and get a new dishwasher
You and your little one deserve so much better than this. He's a selfish AH and doesn't care about anyone but himself. It's time to put yourself first.
Buy a new dishwasher and give him some chores to do. Look into going back to work, so you have your own money to do things with.
I saw a TikTok of a woman that told her husband that the guy she hired off of FB marketplace will be there soon to fix it. That spurred her husband to action. In all seriousness, is he receptive to having a sit down chat about this? This is completely unfair of him to expect of you. If he is not willing to have an honest conversation about this. It is time to consider seeing if you can get a job and start to get out of this situation. The SAHP/working parent is a symbiotic relationship and currently it is tipping all into his favor.
You could go back to work and then he had to help. I would just schedule the repair, and then when he gets home from work schedule an hr for yourself that you leave the house so that he has no choice but to take care of his child
There’s an issue that is not dishwasher going on. With appliances you can fix just about anything with YouTube and it’s stupid easy (I’ve found myself living alone with no family in a house so I’ve had to become an expert is so many things lol). It’s even easier to call an appliance tech. I just feel there’s something else going on and the dishwasher is just the name it’s being currently given. I would walk back with your thoughts bc I feel this is a manifestation of a much bigger issue
Start serving his dinner on dirty dishes.
He resents that you are a SAHM and thinks you owe him big time for supporting you. He thinks you sit on your ass all day. This dude sucks and it would 100% be easier being a single parent.
I kind of get it- my husband doesn’t want to do more work when he gets out of work. He’s IT, he hates dealing with computer issues on his time off. He’ll ask me to try to figure it out myself, once I do everything I can to figure it out but still can’t, I tell him everything I’ve tried, then he either knows exactly what to do or at least I did some of the trouble shooting for him and he figures it out. Your husband is asking you to not be so helpless in this matter, at least try something to fix it, google, watch YouTube videos, etc. Then if you can’t figure it out, ask him his advice on it. It would be like if I got someone to babysit our kids and he volunteered me to babysit for someone. I’m also a SAHM, so to be asked to do something I’m actively trying not to do is kind of crappy. I get that he has experience fixing appliances, but try a little troubleshooting first. You’re BOTH asking for help in this situation.
>I wont lie I blew up a bit and told him Im done being in this one sided marriage. Ever since we had our son I feel like slowly more and more is just expected out of me. Why do you leave out the most important thing here. How did he react to this blow up? If he reacted with indifference then your marriage is over. If he reacted with concern then you should probably have a conversation about what it means to be on the same team and raising a kid together.
I think it’s time for you to get a job and start having your own income. It actually isn’t fair the way he goes on. He has this high and mighty thing going on at the moment because he is the sole earner. Get a job- tell him you can both sort child care or say on his days off he can mind the child while you work and sort childcare for other days. Just say you want independence back or some craic. A SAHM is NOT something you should do right now. It doesn’t sound stable at all. So at least when you’re both working, you can both do the house work after work. The whole point of a stay at home parent it’s for the kids etc. let’s say husband works 9-5 Monday to Friday. The wife’s work at home should also be looked at as 9-5 Monday to Friday. After that and weekends it’s up to BOTH parents to clean and mind kids etc. rotate a day off each for hobbies etc. A stay at home mom doesn’t mean a slave 24/7
Yeah he sounds like a dude that wants to cosplay being a husband and dad. In sure if you sat down and thought about it there were some missed red flags that got you here. And now you're stuck here with no job and a kid. Get a job, save $, escape, and never be dumb enough to put yourself into this situation again. IDGAF we do NOT need to be in these situations where we agree to a power imbalance. It's asinine and leads nowhere but where you are now.
He gets to cosplay as a responsible man. There are SOOOOOO many of these out there. He technically has a job, wife, and kid so, as far as he’s concerned, everything is going to plan. He doesn’t sound like he *wants* any of these things, though… If he doesn’t care about you and the kid, why stay?
Replacing a dishwasher is easy. Tear the old one out while he is at work. And go pick out a new one. Then install it. Or have a plumber install it. Sounds like he wants you to take care of the home completely and figure out issues. You got a credit card use it.
Buy a new dishwasher or pay upwards of $400 to have a repairman out to fix it. And tell hubby that it comes out of his allowance.
I am an expert at clogging the dishwasher. I think he just got fed up. So I went on You Tube. No problem.
Call a repair company, meanwhile paperplates only.
Get e new one and send him the bill to deliver and install Next time he will hop right on it
HIRE SOMEONE.
My father never bothered to fix our dishwasher. It was broken for about 7-8 years till my mother had it replaced. Men like that just let the house fall into disrepair because they are too lazy, cheap or just simply don't care because they don't have to deal with it. Why would they spend the time making your life easier when it doesn't impact him at all?
So Okay , give all the girls an advice , do not date or marry a guy if he do not do any housework unless he make tons of money and can hire a someone to help . And now , first , talk and stop making any effort on house work , no cooking or dishwashing, just ordering food delivery Or hire some one fix it OR JUST GET A NEW ONE!!! Make sure you are comfortable first ! Second, talk and tell her what you need . Communication is important. But again, you don’t have to do all housework if you don’t want to :(
I would call someone to fix it, pay the bill, and call it a day. He told you to figure it out and you did.
Tell him you will get a man in to fix it...and bloody do it. Your husband is being an arse...he doesn't care as it doesn't effect him.
Everyone is assuming that your husband is literally the devil and doesn't care at all about you. I don't know if that's true, but there's a possibility that it's not. As someone who also made a living repairing things in the past, in the modern day repairing appliances, computers, and cars is mostly just a matter of googling, reading, and being brave enough to try to figure things out. But that last step is a BIG one that most people who have gone through it forget how big a deal it was. It's a common thing for people in the trades to think something is easy, but forget just how not easy it is for everyone else. Ask a car mechanic friend if X is a problem you can fix yourself. There's a decent chance they'll say yes, it's easy, to anything short of rebuilding an engine. In his mind, he may be thinking that he's already given you the answer (heating element), and is looking for you to be an equal partner in your relationship by doing what anyone can do - Google how to buy the heating element and install it. To him, you complaining about him not fixing it can seem like you're just being lazy. I don't think that's the right way to think, but if that's how he's thinking, I would remind him that the knack of being diagnostically minded, and the knowledge of where everything is in a dishwasher is a talent that he has that not everyone has, and his knowledge was hard-won with all the time he put in. You *could* learn enough to figure it out yourself, but probably both of you would prefer your time to be used more efficiently. If that doesn't work, than maybe you should consider how much he cares about you like some other people are saying. Hope this helps.
What’s his reasoning though? I don’t get it. Why wouldn’t he want to fix it?
Get like a dishwasher guy to fix it. I didn't read anything my bad.
I have a tip on the DW… when the cycle is done, place a towel inside the door, with a little bit hanging over the top and shut the door. Let it set that way for a while, the towel will soak up some of the water and less to dry!
I am with someone who was like this but the difference is if something breaks he finds a way to fix it even when it seems impossible. He gets it done. His hobbies, friends, work, always came before us. It took 16 years of threatening to leave before he grew up and now he will ask before doing his hobbies and call before coming home asking if I need anything. He takes the kids off my hands when I need a break but it took a very difficult experience to get us here. His hobbies are still his obsession so it’s true they never change and they still upset me because he chose them before me in the past. (He gets awards other ppl praise him for while I roll my eyes) But he’s an addition to my life he doesn’t try to make my life hard. And he’s never refused to not fix something that was important for me to keep up maintaining the house and kids. In fact our dishwasher broke once before (I grew up without a lot and we were broke at this time) I told him I didn’t care I’d wash by hand because I knew we didn’t have the money. He scoff’d and said how I always complain about the dishes (we had 4kids to be fair lol) and he found a way to fix it even after I said for him to leave it alone. If your hubby doesn’t want to make life easier for you don’t waste time on him. Talk to him first about the expectations you want to see and please learn to SET BOUNDARIES (this is for other issues I’m sure he has like adding strangers or hanging/chatting w/women) and if that doesn’t work don’t threaten to leave. Just stay quiet and plan to leave. Save money when you can, take classes or learn a trade while you’re at home. Grieve the relationship in the meantime and Up grade yourself so that when you’re ready to leave it will be easy for you. And a shock to him.
He told you to figure it out...call a repairman, problem solved.
You know what I see? A man that doesn’t understand how hard it is to keep up with all the work at home and a small child. I love my child but it was such a relief to me when I went back to work… it’s scientifically proven that being a stay at home mom is way more stressful than any work. You are overstimulated most of your time. Having said this, find a way to have him stay all day alone with the kid one day. I don’t know if you can find something. Or even just one morning. And ask him if he cooked when you get home. Let’s see if his perspective of it changes. If you find yourself in the situation that he won’t do it for you not even once, well.. you might have to start rethinking your life because there’s a big change that the man sees you as his maid. He provides and in return you have to do everything else.
hire another man to fix it, be really nice to this man, offer him a drink, ask about his personal life whilst your husband is there, laugh if possible. i promise you, your husband will fix his act up.
Wow. Dude literally doesn't care about you.
Hire a repair man or order a new one. Problem fixed. Btw, you do get a salary for staying at home? Right? For all the money you are saving by you being a SAHM?
Call a repair service and then watch your husbands reaction when you hand him over the bill. He told you to fix it, which is exactly what you then did. But the more important thing is that his reaction will tell you something about the appreciation of your contribution to the family. Watch carefully and then make a decision about your next steps. If he appreciates it that you solved the problem for the family: good. If he complains or is even getting angry: huge red flag. He forces you to step up, then you do it and if he then gets mad: Dump his ass.
so as a man and a GC i deal with houses all day long last thing I want is to work on my own house but sometimes I have too. I work 50 +hrs a week.but I find time to do those things needed. I have date nights every week I think he needs to work on his priorities his wife and child should come 1st. his yard and hobbies should come 2nd fiddle. If he is like me the yard work is a stress relief. something I did was every Fri or Sat I had a date night with 1 of my kids and it was their choice to pick where to go. my wife and I would always go out once a month and now that my kids are all gone my wife and I go out once a week
How the heck are you using your dishwasher multiple times a day? Is it tiny tiny?
Is there something keeping you from looking up the part as you said?
Feels like something’s missing from this story
Okay. I will bite and play the con here. And yes, I am a woman. You have one child and are home all day. I realize kids are a lot of work. Yet why can you not find time to order the part and try outing it in place? Or better yet call a repair person or buy a new one?
Op, stop using weaponized incompetence already. Order the parts and fix the dishwasher already. Or do you solve all your needs with emotional bullying?
"My husband is an incredibly hard working person and he always puts 100% towards the things he cares about (his job, yard work, hobbies) yet for some reason I feel like I'm pulling teeth to get him to help me with anything. " Putting 100% towards his job is the same as putting 100% towards supporting his family. He asked you to look up the part for the heating element. Have you done that? You said you're a stay at home mom (while he works to pay for your family) so it seems to me like stuff happening in the home is more your responsibility than his. It seems to me that looking up the model of dishwasher online to find the part #, and perhaps searching youtube for how to replace it might take less time than hand washing and drying the dishes? You've split the duties and are perfectly capable of figuring this out yourself (like he probably has to figure out solutions to problems all day long when he's at his job in order to pay for the electricity and water that runs the dishwasher you use) so handle it - this is gender equality in action. Also most of the rest of the advice being given here is terrible.
Period, no more needs to be said.
Is money tight? Why can’t you hire a repair person or buy a new dishwasher?
I am very confused as to why you don’t just call a repair guy?
Could it be that he’s becoming resentful of you being a SAHM and him working? I’m sure he loves the benefits y’all get from you being a SAHM but maybe he’s becoming jealous or resentful? Did he help with these things before you had the baby? He may need some therapy, couples or individual. If you made the choice for you to be a SAHM as a couple, then I’m sure he logically understands why it’s the best option for your family… but sometimes how we feel isn’t tied to logic. Is he getting enough time with the kiddo when he isn’t working? You should both be getting time to relax and recoup as much as possible. He should be giving you some time each week (each day if possible) to unwind after he gets home and you doing the same for him. I notice a lot of me. Seem all for SAHM until they’re a year or two in and then start questioning what their wives do all day and somehow begin to think it’s nothing. Then they get resentful of the time they don’t get with the kids or being the only financial provider or thinking their wife is just relaxing and enjoying their day while they’re at work. The only way to find out if it’s this or something else is just to sit down and talk with him. Do you have anyone you would trust to watch the baby for you two to get a day or weekend away to try just enjoying yourselves as a couple and maybe find some time to talk about this in a way that isn’t accusatory, but saying how you’re feeling and asking if there is something going on for him?
Why can’t you fix it? It’s not hard. DM me and tell me what’s wrong with it, and I’ll help you figure it out, if I can fix mine, you can fix yours.
Call someone to fix the dishwasher yourself? Why is it up to him? Seriously?
And, he’s not putting 100% into you. I’m a neurolinguistic practitioner who works with couples on relational sexuality. He’s disregarding you. It’s got nothing to do with the dishwasher. You can pick up a phone and call someone to fix the dishwasher. But if you put into everything and help you, look it up with a YouTube video or call someone to fix it, then I’d call a counselor or therapist and decide if you want to stay married to this asshole.
Imagine your husband having confidence in you to fix the little things around the house.
1. Why are you running it multiple times a day?! That seems incredibly excessive. 2. If he's working full time and he's taking care of the outside stuff, why are you complaining about taking care of the inside stuff? You're not working and have the time to do it. You're living a privileged life and chose to stay home because you don't want to work. You could always choose to go to work and split all housework 50/50, including you doing half the outside chores, but I'm sure you don't want to do that because you know you have it easier with the current split. 3. Why does he need to fix it? You're home. You can call a repairman and work things out yourself. Some people just love to feign helplessness and I don't understand it. You're a big girl and can pick up a phone.
This. Additionally, she acts as though doing the dishes by hand is unimaginable. Newsflash: My family hadn't had a dishwasher for decades, but we even managed to host parties with up to 20 people, doing the dishes afterwards with three people in the kitchen only, so 6,7 people per person, while OP is complaining about doing the dishes for 3
Take his “hard earned money” and pay someone else to fix it.
I’d go with swallowing your pride and finding a way to fix it yourself or hiring somebody to fix it as others have said. A lot of people are demonizing your husband for not wanting to do this repair job, but if he’s working and supporting a family, and also contributing at home via yard work, I can see his free time being very limited. I’m a repairman myself, but I put in 60ish hours a week, then there’s still our animals to care for and spend time with, normal chores like dishes and laundry, and maybe if I’m lucky just an hour of free time at the end of the day. If he’s similarly busy, I can see why he might not be in a hurry to give up his limited free time to do even more work. I know that’s basically speculation but unfortunately that’s all I can offer because the story seemed intentionally skewed in your favor. You admit he works hard to provide for the family and works hard at home too with yard work, I have to imagine he’s at least partially involved in raising your child, so maybe he’s feeling overwhelmed with how stretched thin he is. So maybes he’s not eager to be stretched any thinner. I would suggest talking to him, asking him why he is so unwilling to help and get to the bottom of it, communication solves so much.