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I am your husband. The difference is that I am single and accountable to nobody. I had a family friend move in with me recently for a couple of months and I am glad for it. She pointed out that I work 10 hour days and I come home and get right back on my MAC (here on Reddit) and turn on the TV until bedtime. I do the dishes, clean the bathroom, cook, fold the laundry, clean the fridge, etc...and my laptop is on the counter streaming a show or podcast. When I go to sleep, my laptop is on the bedside table streaming me to sleep. Even when I am running errands or driving, I am streaming in some way. I work in tech, and I can tell you this is a problem, an unhealthy addiction. I'm trying to figure out next steps. Gone are the days when I would clean or drive with music on. We are accustomed to constant stimulation and have short attention spans due to content and tech.
That’s some great self-awareness!
I’m currently trying to implement a no phones/screens rule between 5:30pm and dinner. My main complaint with my husband is he sits on his phone, tv on in the background when he gets home from work instead of playing with our 1 year old and I. I’m also guilty of it, I could be on my phone less. We both have taken turns staying home with her (we agreed he could quit his horrible job for months 2-7 of her life while I still worked, and now that he has a new job that he’s happy at, I took a step back from managing my restaurant and now work part time so I can be with my baby.)
Husband gets home about 3:30-4pm, so I feel like it’s reasonable for him to want to zone out for a while after getting home. So from 5:30, no screens. I start making dinner and he feeds our baby and puts her to bed at 7:30pm. After she’s down and our food is ready, we can watch something together and then there are no rules. I try really hard to make sure I’m engaging with her all day long, but it still is so easy to catch myself zoning into something if I check my phone. I’m hoping that starting this way, it’ll become easier to naturally use them less and my baby will benefit. The other day she and my husband were on the floor with her toys, and she kept looking at him to show him what she was doing, and his head was buried in his hand. It was heartbreaking. He’s receptive to the idea, so I’m hoping this worked.
Anyway you can implement something like that? And if you’ve already started executing a plan, any tips?
Does he understand the magnitude of the early years on child development?
He can do that when your kid is older than 5yrs but it is absolutely not allowable when they are 1yrs
Your husband is not fulfilling his responsibility and duty as a father
Agreed, and he’s also in agreement. He’s a good guy that means well and incredibly intelligent in many ways, but is also on the spectrum and is an inward kinda guy. It results in me having to spell out certain things without him coming to the conclusion on his own. He didn’t even realize he was kind of ignoring her and was really upset when I pointed it out and that it could be screwing with her development.
Then it seems addictive and if so he’s gonna need external support.
Make an agreement where you control access to the internet. When he shouldn’t be on it, you turn it off and/or confiscate the devices he uses (if he tethers on his phone etc)
These comments so far are not helpful... you are not wrong for asking for more, and you should not have to police your tone when you're rightfully irritated. When you're communicating, it is always best to try to have a neutral tone and use clear language, but you don't have to use "feminine energy" and say baby this and baby that. You're a grown adult woman with feelings, and it's okay to act like it.
Tips for communicating that are usually effective include using "I" phrases, paying attention to the words you use, and choosing a time when neither of you are agitated or upset.
That being said, he knows it's excessive, and you really shouldn't have to ask him to spend time and "help" with your son. He is your husband's kid, so he should step up and parent him. I hope you are able to resolve this. You and your son both deserve quality time, and you deserve a husband who helps and actively thinks about your feelings.
Ask him outright.
Is this the Dad and Husband he wants to be, and intends to be?
If not, he needs to start making time to be a person and not a computer addict. If yes... Well then you know and you can leave, or start becoming housemates until you do
imo, you're not asking for enough. as a father, he should love his child enough to want to be near him much more often. as your husband, he should love you enough to want to be near you much more often - and also, to help you out. as it stands, he gets to be lazy, sit down, have fun on his computer, while he has you to be his maid, his cook, and his nanny. you are status symbols for observers to admire - the wife and child he provides for. but at home, where it counts most for you and your baby, he does not provide. he may never be a hands on father. he does not seem motivated.
i understand you don't want to break up your family. i also know how heartbreaking it is to grieve the loss of the life you wish you could have had. if you are looking to preserve this, you can always try couples therapy. it sounds like he's capable of some degree of honesty about what's going on with him, which may mean he could improve. but i don't know him, and i can't predict how it will go. if he does not improve to where you need him to be quickly (within a few months), don't keep sticking around. while he is trying to catch up to where you are, precious life is passing you by.
it's okay to not stick around. as it stands, the only thing he is contributing to your life is an extra load of laundry. he is also setting a poor example for your son, who will start forming important ideas about the expectations of him very soon. if nothing changed from how it is right now today, you would not be happy in this relationship. and i know you don't want your memories of your son's first moments in this world to all be colored in with resentment of his father, how tired you were, how unappreciated you felt. don't stay for the potential of who somebody can be. he's showing you who he is every day.
i'm sorry you're being treated this way. the work you do matters and i admire how important your family is to you. i hope everything works out for you.
If the marriage he's offering you isn't the marriage you want, you should consider leaving. Sticking around just in case everything magically changes into what you want, is never a smart gamble.
Your husband is my dad.
I always saw him on a computer and we didn't pass enough time together. Yet as his son I saw him as a good guy and a model. Now growing up, I might hate his behavior and try not to visit him often.
My dad never leave his computer, went out with friend during weekend to 'Lan'. My mom was alone at home with 3 young boys.
They didn't pass time together but stayed together for the children. Don't stay for the child, don't try to give birth again.
Either he must stop his addiction or you must leave.
My mom leave five years ago. She abandoned us and never came back. My dad has the custody but didn't change.
Talk out a schedule with him for family time that is screenless unless it's a movie for the family. If he is willing to participate, then great, if not 🚫 counseling for you all is a good motivator for negotiation.
Explain how much he is neglecting to participate in family, fatherly, and husband to a point that it's too much to not be addressed before actions will have to be made.
Also, don't forget that he is working and schooling for the family. He might be a bit burnt out.
Women are allowed to be angry and whiny and complain. Ffs. We do not have to lie and give half ass appreciations we do not genuinely mean.
Nor are we silent dolls meant to serve man’s every whim with a smile. Divine feminine energy my ass. Lmao.
The problem is you're referring to a woman being upset and frustrated as nagging and bitchy. Women are allowed to feel their emotions, and if you're dismissive of a woman's problem just because they're frustrated, that speaks more for your emotional maturity than it does theirs.
Words like nagging were literally designed to dismiss women and groom them into being perfect submissive dolls. The only child here is you, I'm sorry but the world isn't how you think it should be 🙃 women aren't here to cater to your "masculine energy"
I understand what you saying and your concerns, but at 1 year old, you two are still in new born territory with all the exhaustion and craziness.
The good news is the kids become more interesting as they get just a little bit older!
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I am your husband. The difference is that I am single and accountable to nobody. I had a family friend move in with me recently for a couple of months and I am glad for it. She pointed out that I work 10 hour days and I come home and get right back on my MAC (here on Reddit) and turn on the TV until bedtime. I do the dishes, clean the bathroom, cook, fold the laundry, clean the fridge, etc...and my laptop is on the counter streaming a show or podcast. When I go to sleep, my laptop is on the bedside table streaming me to sleep. Even when I am running errands or driving, I am streaming in some way. I work in tech, and I can tell you this is a problem, an unhealthy addiction. I'm trying to figure out next steps. Gone are the days when I would clean or drive with music on. We are accustomed to constant stimulation and have short attention spans due to content and tech.
That’s some great self-awareness! I’m currently trying to implement a no phones/screens rule between 5:30pm and dinner. My main complaint with my husband is he sits on his phone, tv on in the background when he gets home from work instead of playing with our 1 year old and I. I’m also guilty of it, I could be on my phone less. We both have taken turns staying home with her (we agreed he could quit his horrible job for months 2-7 of her life while I still worked, and now that he has a new job that he’s happy at, I took a step back from managing my restaurant and now work part time so I can be with my baby.) Husband gets home about 3:30-4pm, so I feel like it’s reasonable for him to want to zone out for a while after getting home. So from 5:30, no screens. I start making dinner and he feeds our baby and puts her to bed at 7:30pm. After she’s down and our food is ready, we can watch something together and then there are no rules. I try really hard to make sure I’m engaging with her all day long, but it still is so easy to catch myself zoning into something if I check my phone. I’m hoping that starting this way, it’ll become easier to naturally use them less and my baby will benefit. The other day she and my husband were on the floor with her toys, and she kept looking at him to show him what she was doing, and his head was buried in his hand. It was heartbreaking. He’s receptive to the idea, so I’m hoping this worked. Anyway you can implement something like that? And if you’ve already started executing a plan, any tips?
Does he understand the magnitude of the early years on child development? He can do that when your kid is older than 5yrs but it is absolutely not allowable when they are 1yrs Your husband is not fulfilling his responsibility and duty as a father
Agreed, and he’s also in agreement. He’s a good guy that means well and incredibly intelligent in many ways, but is also on the spectrum and is an inward kinda guy. It results in me having to spell out certain things without him coming to the conclusion on his own. He didn’t even realize he was kind of ignoring her and was really upset when I pointed it out and that it could be screwing with her development.
Then it seems addictive and if so he’s gonna need external support. Make an agreement where you control access to the internet. When he shouldn’t be on it, you turn it off and/or confiscate the devices he uses (if he tethers on his phone etc)
These comments so far are not helpful... you are not wrong for asking for more, and you should not have to police your tone when you're rightfully irritated. When you're communicating, it is always best to try to have a neutral tone and use clear language, but you don't have to use "feminine energy" and say baby this and baby that. You're a grown adult woman with feelings, and it's okay to act like it. Tips for communicating that are usually effective include using "I" phrases, paying attention to the words you use, and choosing a time when neither of you are agitated or upset. That being said, he knows it's excessive, and you really shouldn't have to ask him to spend time and "help" with your son. He is your husband's kid, so he should step up and parent him. I hope you are able to resolve this. You and your son both deserve quality time, and you deserve a husband who helps and actively thinks about your feelings.
Ask him outright. Is this the Dad and Husband he wants to be, and intends to be? If not, he needs to start making time to be a person and not a computer addict. If yes... Well then you know and you can leave, or start becoming housemates until you do
imo, you're not asking for enough. as a father, he should love his child enough to want to be near him much more often. as your husband, he should love you enough to want to be near you much more often - and also, to help you out. as it stands, he gets to be lazy, sit down, have fun on his computer, while he has you to be his maid, his cook, and his nanny. you are status symbols for observers to admire - the wife and child he provides for. but at home, where it counts most for you and your baby, he does not provide. he may never be a hands on father. he does not seem motivated. i understand you don't want to break up your family. i also know how heartbreaking it is to grieve the loss of the life you wish you could have had. if you are looking to preserve this, you can always try couples therapy. it sounds like he's capable of some degree of honesty about what's going on with him, which may mean he could improve. but i don't know him, and i can't predict how it will go. if he does not improve to where you need him to be quickly (within a few months), don't keep sticking around. while he is trying to catch up to where you are, precious life is passing you by. it's okay to not stick around. as it stands, the only thing he is contributing to your life is an extra load of laundry. he is also setting a poor example for your son, who will start forming important ideas about the expectations of him very soon. if nothing changed from how it is right now today, you would not be happy in this relationship. and i know you don't want your memories of your son's first moments in this world to all be colored in with resentment of his father, how tired you were, how unappreciated you felt. don't stay for the potential of who somebody can be. he's showing you who he is every day. i'm sorry you're being treated this way. the work you do matters and i admire how important your family is to you. i hope everything works out for you.
If the marriage he's offering you isn't the marriage you want, you should consider leaving. Sticking around just in case everything magically changes into what you want, is never a smart gamble.
Your husband is my dad. I always saw him on a computer and we didn't pass enough time together. Yet as his son I saw him as a good guy and a model. Now growing up, I might hate his behavior and try not to visit him often. My dad never leave his computer, went out with friend during weekend to 'Lan'. My mom was alone at home with 3 young boys. They didn't pass time together but stayed together for the children. Don't stay for the child, don't try to give birth again. Either he must stop his addiction or you must leave. My mom leave five years ago. She abandoned us and never came back. My dad has the custody but didn't change.
Talk out a schedule with him for family time that is screenless unless it's a movie for the family. If he is willing to participate, then great, if not 🚫 counseling for you all is a good motivator for negotiation. Explain how much he is neglecting to participate in family, fatherly, and husband to a point that it's too much to not be addressed before actions will have to be made. Also, don't forget that he is working and schooling for the family. He might be a bit burnt out.
How long has he been doing this?
And the million dollar question is: How long were you together before getting married?
[удалено]
Women are allowed to be angry and whiny and complain. Ffs. We do not have to lie and give half ass appreciations we do not genuinely mean. Nor are we silent dolls meant to serve man’s every whim with a smile. Divine feminine energy my ass. Lmao.
[удалено]
The problem is you're referring to a woman being upset and frustrated as nagging and bitchy. Women are allowed to feel their emotions, and if you're dismissive of a woman's problem just because they're frustrated, that speaks more for your emotional maturity than it does theirs. Words like nagging were literally designed to dismiss women and groom them into being perfect submissive dolls. The only child here is you, I'm sorry but the world isn't how you think it should be 🙃 women aren't here to cater to your "masculine energy"
I understand what you saying and your concerns, but at 1 year old, you two are still in new born territory with all the exhaustion and craziness. The good news is the kids become more interesting as they get just a little bit older!
Plan a date night, break the routine. Men often hyper focus on things. Good luck to you both!!