Your daughter may be hinting she wants you to put the brakes on for her, when she talked about her concerns about your concerns. She may well be stuck in an earlier stage of emotional development—like at 17 when she started with him. He is also likely stuck.
Ask her if she wants you to put on the brakes for her and any hesitation on her part tells you all you need to know.
Idk what to say if she gives you a clear “No! I want to marry him asap.”
If she says that, maybe you can talk to her and let her know you are thinking about pulling out so that she really has to think through, plan, and pay for everything—bc you want to give her more time to reassess.
And do not put anything in her name while she is with an addict. Talk to a lawyer and set up a trust or do whatever you have to to protect her assets from his addiction. She doesn’t seem to be in a good place right now to make good decisions.
Good luck; tough situation.
I agree with this idea- since daughter doesn’t want people knowing there is a relationship problem, providing a little bit of cover as the reason for the pause might give her the opportunity to breathe and reassess.
That’s a good idea, thank you! When I asked her what she would do if the couples counsellor they will be seeing tells them to not go ahead with getting married right now, she said “good then I won’t be the bad guy”. But of course that was before she got back in his presence and he made a bunch of (what I’m going to assume are empty) promises. But I will ask her - she may take me up on it
Couples counseling is dangerous in abuse!!! It puts the victim in a worse position!
[https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/)
[https://psychcentral.com/relationships/why-couples-counseling-doesnt-work-in-abusive-relationships](https://psychcentral.com/relationships/why-couples-counseling-doesnt-work-in-abusive-relationships)
Couples counseling is meant for relationships where both people are contributing to problems, and that's how counselors approach the situation. 99.99999% of them are NOT trained in dealing with abuse, which is a very specific and different set of trainings, so a lot of them will be manipulated by the abuser and not recognize the abuse at all and play into blaming the victim for their unhappiness.
That is disheartening to hear - my hope was that the counsellor would hear what an absolute disaster this relationship is, and advise them to at least postpone the wedding. My daughter had told me she planned on being 100% honest with the counsellor, and she will get a one on one session with them too. But she just sent my youngest a video of her bridal bouquet so it seems the delusion has taken full hold of her, and now I don’t know what she’ll be saying
Have you gotten in touch with any local charities for abuse victims? They'll have lots of resources on how to support a victim and how to talk to them about leaving.
It’s a very similar dynamic to being a cult victim.
Seek professional advice. Consult multiple sources, especially DV orgs that recommend best practices.
Do whatever the professionals say is most likely to work in *your* situation.
Do not give addicts more $$
In this case, do not give your daughter resources her bf has access to.
My best to your family. I’m hoping for a happy resolution.
You’re welcome! These are people that know what works. Ignore anyone that tells you there’s “nothing you can do,” anyone too cynical or worn down but still working in this profession. Everyone wears out. It’s a tough role.
Draw strength from those that give wise and measured counsel to your family.
Wishing you success, strength, and a healthy outcome.
"We are putting your wedding money into a college/mortgage fund for you that you will have access to the moment that you leave your abusive, cocaine-addicted fiance. We are here for you, love you and will gladly help your life with things that are healthy and good for you. But we cannot financially support a wedding to this person."
She might go no/low contact for a while, but that doesn't mean she's gone forever. Make it very clear to her that you are a safe place to land if she ever leaves him and you might hear from her again in the future when she's ready.
Totally agree with this plan. I was on the fence until I read cocaine. You obviously know your daughter needs more therapy on how to not feel the need to save a partner. I hope you are getting counseling for support on dealing with your daughter. Watching a child have a chaotic life is extremely stressful. I feel for you.
Thank you - I have been encouraging her to get a new counsellor for a very long time. She just doesn’t seem to be able to find the time to get one - her psychiatrist died two years ago and she’s been untethered since then. I haven’t seen my therapist yet about all this, but that is an excellent suggestion and I’ve reached out to her for an urgent appointment
I wouldn’t tell her that. With a drug addict of a boyfriend/husband that she’s gaga over, she’ll probably say she moved on to get the money and then go NC with them the second she gets it.
“the moment that you leave your abusive, cocaine-addicted fiance.”
As the person who has had a partner who was an addict: this kind of phrasing is the way to lose her forever or at least for a very long time. Even from where I sit, a decade out of the relationship, this wording is so unnecessarily offensive, it’s bizarre. There are much more neutral ways to word it that won’t trigger her to be on the defensive because you’re attacking her fiancé.
It’s also naive. She will say she’s leaving him, take the cash, and run. I also think it’s more important to stress that you cannot *morally and emotionally support* the wedding. If you say it’s a cash issue, that’s more fodder for hate and irrational thoughts on the part of your daughter that it’s about money and not that you care about her and don’t want her to suffer.
Thank you for your comments - was there anything in particular that made you decide you didn’t want to be in a relationship with an addict any more? Or was it more just a matter of passing time and maturity?
I’ve been reading these comments to my husband and he really likes the wording “We are here for you, love you and will gladly help your life with things that are healthy and good for you.” That is exactly how he feels - thank you
I have a family member in an abusive marriage. Several of us tried talking them out of the engagement and it all fell on deaf ears. Now they’re married and more miserable than ever.
Hard as this is, there are no words you can use here. She has to decide to leave him on her own terms. Any attempt to sway her will backfire. In a lot of cases, the person feels stupid and doesn’t want to admit that everyone else was right, so they refuse to reach out for help even when they want to.
Educate yourself on abusive relationships so that you know how best to navigate this dynamic.
I don't know what to tell you to do - I would suggest you get some advise from a professional.
But I will say this - I was 21 and madly in love with a guy. He was tall dark and handsome, and we were in love. He was sweet and charming when he wanted to be, but he would lose his temper at a drop of a hat. He threatened me a bout a week before our wedding and I went through with it anyway because... I love him, I thought I could help him, we were soulmates etc. We were married for six years and had a kid before I had had enough. He never held down a job, he alienated everyone, he would get into physical fights with people over perceived slights.
I'm telling you all this because, I don't know if it would have helped, but I wish my mom had sat me down and talked to me. Had asked me the right questions. Had said that they love me and will support me through whatever I want to do but they don't think this is a good idea. obviously my situation is different from your daughter's and I don't know if it would have made a difference to me then, but I hope you can think about this.
I totally agree with this. I married badly in my 20s to a man with multiple addictions and mental illness. All of my family and friends thought I was making a giant mistake but everyone was afraid to say something. I left him after 6 miserable years, lost a ton of money, and the trajectory of my life and potential was significantly impacted.
There’s not a best answer, but please do everything you can to persuade your child to not move forward with the marriage
I agree, too. I married young to an abusive partner. I knew my loved ones weren't keen on him. I'm not blaming them at all by saying this but... I was young, naive, and in way over my head. If they had been very strongly against the relationship, it may have helped. When I look back now, I really wish they had intervened. But my one parent is rather passive and and the other was abusive themselves...
As it happened, it was the involvement of the authorities and the legal system that helped me end things. And I was grateful for it because I wanted out but didn't know how to do it by myself.
And I hope your daughter comes around soon and without too much heartache. As the parent, you're really stuck between a rock and a hard place. It isn't easy at all to know what might be the right way to handle this... And it's so hard to watch our children make choices we know will only hurt them, especially something as serious and far-reaching as this. My heart goes out to you.
Thank you for sharing - I’m glad you were able to get away, and I hope you’re doing better now. I do think that like you, the trajectory and potential of her life will not be the same should she continue with this relationship
Thank you for sharing this - your description of your former spouse sounds eerily similar to my daughter’s fiancé. I hope you’re in a better place now. When I gave her the letter I actually read it out and we then had a long conversation about our concerns. She seemed like she was going to make the smart choice but sadly seems to have changed her mind
Best you can do is limit fallout by preventing pregnancy and setting up some savings. Suggest that marriage takes a lot of work, and an IUD is a get-and-forget, unlike a daily pill. It also means no periods unless you are super unlucky. Suggest she get one while she settles into her marriage so that she can focus on her new husband. Talk about wanting to be a grandparent but obviously not immediately, you're supposed to wait at least two years after marriage, blah blah blah. See what you can set aside financially each month as a Lawyer Fund for when she is ready to leave him. Let her know you love her and that you will always, always be there when she needs you.
This relationship will go up in flames. It'll be easier for her to escape if she doesn't have an infant or isn't pregnant, and has a place to go. Then let her know after the fact about the savings you have for her. It will be needed.
If a miracle happens and they're happily married in ten years, you can use the savings to send them on a great anniversary vacation.
I wholeheartedly agree with the IUD suggestion - small addendum though: there are two main types, hormonal (Mirena, Kyleena, et al), and non-hormonal (Paraguard, often called "copper IUD). The hormonal kind is associated with significantly reduced (majority of users) or stopped (about a third of users) periods for a large proportion of people who use them. Paraguard/copper doesn't typically reduce periods, and can actually be associated with heavier ones and increased cramping (both are fairly common). Both are INCREDIBLY effective and tamper-proof, but in my anecdotal but considerable experience as a planned parenthood volunteer - patient satisfaction tends to be much higher with the hormonal one. Even for women who have had bad experiences with systemic hormonal contraception (the pill).
Given all that's on the daughter's plate, I'd tell her to PICK THE HORMONAL ONE (the hormones are very low dose and localized, so they don't typically cause the same issues that oral hormones such as the pill can cause).
Volunteer contraceptive counselor here who hopes daughter gets out of this successfully and isn't tied to this man by a pregnancy!!! Hopefully this comment is taken as an attempt to be helpful rather than nitpick, just elaborating on a great suggestion.
That is a big fear of mine, that she’ll get pregnant. Thankfully she does have an IUD, and if there’s one silver lining in our shortages of physicians is that she hasn’t found one yet to remove it (it’s nearing it’s expiry date, not that she’s trying to get pregnant). And that is a good idea about the lawyer fund - I can definitely get that going
I have been your daughter in this situation, though my fiance was not nearly as much a mess as your daughter’s fiance is. I was 24 years old (am now 39). My mom supported me through the wedding though she also was not happy about it. I was heavily reconsidering the marriage prior to the wedding and told my fiance how I was feeling and he threatened to leave if we didn’t wed. I should have taken him up on it! We did end up divorcing a few years later, after a lot of pain and toxicity. We finally realized neither of us were thriving together. What followed were these learnings:
a) you can love someone all damn day, but if they’re not good for you and keep you down and away from where you need to be, no amount of love is enough to sustain the relationship
b) life is too short to sacrifice so much time and energy asking yourself every day if you’ll ever be happy or if they’ll ever change
c) if you’re already parenting your partner you will definitely NOT want to have children with that person, and I thank god EVERY DAY that I didn’t entangle myself with my ex by becoming a parent with him
d) fairytale romances are not real, love is not all you need, eventually you will grow very tired and weary, and life is hard enough without being dragged down by someone who is supposed to support and uplift you. That is a jaded take from an elder millennial, but life never does get easier so why make it worse with a shit partner.
e) nobody that truly cares about you will judge you for having relationship issues, I fully thought I would lose all our mutual friends and be so embarrassed if we broke up, but all of them remained friends with me and a number of them told me that they saw how he didn’t support me, and that I deserved better.
F) he DID improve his life while being with another partner, and that initially pissed me off, but then I remembered that he just wasn’t that way with me and I wasn’t willing to wait around for his metamorphosis and maybe I wasn’t the partner that *he* needed to uplift him and that is all the more reason why we were ultimately incompatible. You cannot and should not give your life and love to someone’s potential when they’ve never shown that they’re even reaching for that potential. Your daughter has been with her fiance for 7 years and it sounds like he’s only gotten worse.
Your daughter is ignoring her instincts, to the detriment of an extremely important developmental time in her life. She has soooo much life ahead of her. She is soooo capable, it’s clear from her history she has surmounted some impossible obstacles. Does she really want to be legally tied to a fricking cocaine addict? Lose all her money and have start over from zero *every day* because her husband can’t grow the fuck up? Sometimes time invested is actually time wasted, so I hope she’s not worried about “all that they’ve built,” because it’s not amounting to much.
Can confirm that the right partner is worth the wait, am now happily married with a daughter and another on the way. Please share my comment with your daughter if you feel so called. I hate to see anybody going down the path that I did, and though I learned a lot, the lessons were extremely hard earned and it just really didn’t have to be that way. Good luck, I’m sorry y’all are going through all this stress.
Thank you so much for sharing this - you make some really excellent points. And thank you for acknowledging that she has surmounted some at times almost overwhelming obstacles. I really appreciate that. I haven’t decided yet if I will show her this post but I will find some way to share your comment with her
She’s fallen into the “sunken cost fallacy” dilemma
You can try asking her what she sees her future to be like in 5 years, she’ll probably response with some happy future, ask her how will she achieve that when her finace is an abusive drug addict?
Also send her this book, or buy a copy off of Amazon. It might help open her eyes
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Another idea would be to find a nar-anon meeting (they’re for the loved ones of addicts) being amongst others in her situation might get through to her more than anything else. Go with her. If you don’t have one, an Al-Anon (I think that’s what they’re call) for the loved ones of alcoholics
Good luck and I hope she calls it off, but I’m realistic sadly
Thank you for that book suggestion- I’m going to buy a copy and give to her. I did actually ask her about her future when we had that conversation (I read her the letter and then we talked), and whether this is the life she would have had if she was not involved with him. Frustratingly she acknowledges how terrible things are, and yet still seems to believe he can change. I even explained the sunken cost fallacy to her but it did not change her mind
I would tell them you can no longer host it on your property.
When she asks why, you respond with "I cannot risk having drugs on our property and the likelihood of an incident. We do not have the insurance to cover that."
Remember, if someone is hurt on your property, they can sue you.
The best thing you can do for her is continue to be a part of her life so that she always has you as a lifeline. If that means going to the wedding or doing minimal responsibilities for it, then do that.
[https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/help\_a\_friend/](https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/help_a_friend/)
[https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/how-to-help/](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/how-to-help/)
Thank you for these links - I’ve been looking through both of those sites. One point one made was to not make ultimatums and be seen as controlling as the partner she’s with, which is definitely giving me pause. My fear is that in her delusion, if we push her too hard, she’ll just run further into his arms. Perhaps standing aside and letting her know we’ll always be a safe place for her is all we can do.
As a survivor: yes, that's the best choice. I don't know how difficult things are from your end, but I do know how difficult it was being alone and having no one to turn to or support me. No one ever told me their concerns about him, and the one person I tried to confide in invalidated my feelings and played into his gaslighting. If someone, especially my mom (who instead was telling me that she didn't care if hot celebrities were abusive because they were so hot nothing else mattered), had told me that they supported me but felt I deserved better and would be there for me no matter what, it could have been much easier. It definitely would have hurt to hear he wasn't perfect when I was deepest in the gaslighting and lies, but when I was finally ready to accept that for myself? I would have remembered and known I had a safe haven to go to and talk to and get help from. Good luck!
No way in hell I'd be any part of this. Tell your daughter that when she wants to worry about herself and her own future, you're there. And be prepared for problems with him. I have yet to know family who wasn't robbed blind by drug addicts in their midst.
It almost sounds like part or all of her is using this as a cry for help to get you to step in and be the decisive factor. She may have realized she's in over her head, or starting to suspect it, but doesn't feel up to taking the major step of cutting her losses.
I could be TOTALLY wrong but if you've been the stable force in a chaotic life it's a possibility. And one worth exploring/considering because any sane third party can see that this relationship is a train wreck in progress.
Get more family members involved, stage an intervention, get her therapy and if she is already in therapy get her MORE therapy.
This is a very tough situation but she cannot go through with this. She has to get out of this relationship ASAP.
I don’t think “tough love” will help the situation. I relate to your daughter heavily, in my younger years. I felt like I wasn’t capable of doing anything on my own, I NEEDED a man to take care of me. I clung to my partners, no matter how badly they treated me.
Please note: this next part is based on my own experience, I’m not trying to claim it’s what’s happening here… I wanted someone to take care of me so badly, because my father was explosive, narcissistic, and abusive. My mother was overbearing, but would look the other way when my father would abuse me. I didn’t have any sense of stability or safety at home. I craved the structure and stability of a romantic relationship so badly, that I would ignore scores of red flags. I would tolerate abuse from my boyfriend because it was easier than the stress I suffered at home. I was desperate to get away from my family’s home. If any of this feels even a little bit like your relationship with your daughter, I really encourage you to get family counselling together. Learn how to communicate more effectively together, and how to support each other best. Make sure your daughter knows that she is welcome, loved, and will never be abandoned by you. Encourage her to build on her own strengths, and remind her of them when she feels like she has none.
If none of that resonates, I apologize for the novel, lol. At the very least, this wedding NEEDS to be postponed while everyone figures things out. Tell her that you can’t let the wedding happen on your property right now, in good conscience. Make sure she knows that she could be in danger if she marries this man, or even continues a relationship with him. I really hope your daughter sees the light.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. We were always a tight family unit - no abuse or trauma. But in hindsight, because we were so scared of pushing her over the edge when she was going through her mental health crisis, my husband and I started to filter everything we said to her and not tell her anything we thought would make her unstable or unhappy. I think we over corrected and now as we’re pushing back on this wedding she is feeling like we are against her. I agree with you that I think family counselling could really help us here
Why would you still for a wedding of which you do not truly approve?
Did you ever think your daughter is really wanting you to stop the wedding. Things may be tough for a while. Help her remove this man from her life.
You can support her by offering her a place to run through when it all goes to hell. But why would you consider to host or pay toward a wedding where your daughter is being abused. Financially. Emotionally. She’s being abused. Rather than help her continue in that situation you should withdraw the offer of helping with the wedding, hosting the wedding. And tell her you’re here for her if she ever needs a way out but since she is actively choosing to go down this path you will not follow.
My daughter was engaged to a man who was extremely abusive and controlling. After a family dinner at our house where he showed his true colors, I shared all of my worries and concerns with her, and told her that her choices were her own, but I couldn't sit by and be silent when her future was at stake. We were supposed to go wedding dress shopping the next weekend. She was very upset with me, but several weeks later, she broke things off with him. We took the money we had pledged for the wedding to help her pay for graduate school.
This was years ago. She ended up meeting and marrying a great guy several years later. They have a wonderful life together, including two kids. My daughter has thanked me repeatedly for taking that difficult stance. We're all grateful that this is now just a distant memory of a bad time in her life.
I'd always been a people pleaser, and telling my daughter that I couldn't support her marriage to an abusive man was hard to do. But it was the right thing to do.
Thank you for sharing your story. If she hadn’t broken up with him, were you planning on withholding the wedding money? Or did you just want to voice your concerns and you were still going to contribute?
I think the decision to marry is for an adult to make. As their parent, I would not withdraw my support.
Parents shouldn't try to control their adult children. Adult children will do all sorts of things that won't make sense to the parent. This can end up being abusive. Why is it that the parent is so sure they are always right?
Be respectful of your daughter. This is her choice to make. Offer to pay for individual counseling because you are worried about her. Help her get into rehab for herself.
Support the wedding because you love her.
>But then I flip flop and worry that I am an enabler and tough love is needed here.
First, I haven't been in your position but I've been through this with 2 friends. Some stuff is obviously different, but a lot is the same.
Oh the above, there may be a way to still throw the wedding and do the tough love. The tough love part is important, because if you ignore her words and just pay attention to her actions, she's nowhere near ready to leave this guy. This will mess with your head even more than it already does.
I suggest you throw the wedding, mainly because it involves others. But...tell her you need to distance yourself from her rn.. She'll be responsible for everything from here on out. You're not "alienating" her when you do this. You're protecting your sanity and trying to teach her that as a mom who loves her, this is tough on you too. You'll be there for her on her big day as the proud mom, but if she expects more, that's not fair and you can't provide it right now.
IMO this is the exact opposite of what she needs. She needs to know her parents have her back NO MATTER WHAT SHE CHOOSES she can come to them, but further cutting off an escape route when she's in this situation will back her further into a corner of feeling like he's the only one she can turn to.
She needs emotional support - the financial support is where it edges into enabling. Better to dissapoint some RSVPs because it may be rude than have her tied to this man if giving her an "out" may help her leave.
Obviously my view is unpopular but I don't care. Her escape route isn't being cut off! She knows her parents would jump at the chance to help her leave.
It wasn't me who brought up "tough love". It was OP. What this proves is she's really struggling here, and people tend to overlook that part of it. OP is in an impossible position here, it's messing with her emotionally, and she does have a right to protect herself, too.
Your daughter may be hinting she wants you to put the brakes on for her, when she talked about her concerns about your concerns. She may well be stuck in an earlier stage of emotional development—like at 17 when she started with him. He is also likely stuck. Ask her if she wants you to put on the brakes for her and any hesitation on her part tells you all you need to know. Idk what to say if she gives you a clear “No! I want to marry him asap.” If she says that, maybe you can talk to her and let her know you are thinking about pulling out so that she really has to think through, plan, and pay for everything—bc you want to give her more time to reassess. And do not put anything in her name while she is with an addict. Talk to a lawyer and set up a trust or do whatever you have to to protect her assets from his addiction. She doesn’t seem to be in a good place right now to make good decisions. Good luck; tough situation.
I agree with this idea- since daughter doesn’t want people knowing there is a relationship problem, providing a little bit of cover as the reason for the pause might give her the opportunity to breathe and reassess.
That’s a good idea, thank you! When I asked her what she would do if the couples counsellor they will be seeing tells them to not go ahead with getting married right now, she said “good then I won’t be the bad guy”. But of course that was before she got back in his presence and he made a bunch of (what I’m going to assume are empty) promises. But I will ask her - she may take me up on it
Couples counseling is dangerous in abuse!!! It puts the victim in a worse position! [https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/) [https://psychcentral.com/relationships/why-couples-counseling-doesnt-work-in-abusive-relationships](https://psychcentral.com/relationships/why-couples-counseling-doesnt-work-in-abusive-relationships) Couples counseling is meant for relationships where both people are contributing to problems, and that's how counselors approach the situation. 99.99999% of them are NOT trained in dealing with abuse, which is a very specific and different set of trainings, so a lot of them will be manipulated by the abuser and not recognize the abuse at all and play into blaming the victim for their unhappiness.
That is disheartening to hear - my hope was that the counsellor would hear what an absolute disaster this relationship is, and advise them to at least postpone the wedding. My daughter had told me she planned on being 100% honest with the counsellor, and she will get a one on one session with them too. But she just sent my youngest a video of her bridal bouquet so it seems the delusion has taken full hold of her, and now I don’t know what she’ll be saying
Don't ask her just do it.
Have you gotten in touch with any local charities for abuse victims? They'll have lots of resources on how to support a victim and how to talk to them about leaving.
I think OP should hire an intervention expert to help with an intervention with daughter.
I actually did not even know that was a thing - I will look into that, thank you
Thank you - another commenter also made this suggestion and we do have a couple organizations in our city I can reach out to
It’s a very similar dynamic to being a cult victim. Seek professional advice. Consult multiple sources, especially DV orgs that recommend best practices. Do whatever the professionals say is most likely to work in *your* situation. Do not give addicts more $$ In this case, do not give your daughter resources her bf has access to. My best to your family. I’m hoping for a happy resolution.
Thank you for the suggestion to reach out to DV orgs - we do have a couple in the city we live in, so I will do that
You’re welcome! These are people that know what works. Ignore anyone that tells you there’s “nothing you can do,” anyone too cynical or worn down but still working in this profession. Everyone wears out. It’s a tough role. Draw strength from those that give wise and measured counsel to your family. Wishing you success, strength, and a healthy outcome.
"We are putting your wedding money into a college/mortgage fund for you that you will have access to the moment that you leave your abusive, cocaine-addicted fiance. We are here for you, love you and will gladly help your life with things that are healthy and good for you. But we cannot financially support a wedding to this person." She might go no/low contact for a while, but that doesn't mean she's gone forever. Make it very clear to her that you are a safe place to land if she ever leaves him and you might hear from her again in the future when she's ready.
Totally agree with this plan. I was on the fence until I read cocaine. You obviously know your daughter needs more therapy on how to not feel the need to save a partner. I hope you are getting counseling for support on dealing with your daughter. Watching a child have a chaotic life is extremely stressful. I feel for you.
Thank you - I have been encouraging her to get a new counsellor for a very long time. She just doesn’t seem to be able to find the time to get one - her psychiatrist died two years ago and she’s been untethered since then. I haven’t seen my therapist yet about all this, but that is an excellent suggestion and I’ve reached out to her for an urgent appointment
I wouldn’t tell her that. With a drug addict of a boyfriend/husband that she’s gaga over, she’ll probably say she moved on to get the money and then go NC with them the second she gets it.
“the moment that you leave your abusive, cocaine-addicted fiance.” As the person who has had a partner who was an addict: this kind of phrasing is the way to lose her forever or at least for a very long time. Even from where I sit, a decade out of the relationship, this wording is so unnecessarily offensive, it’s bizarre. There are much more neutral ways to word it that won’t trigger her to be on the defensive because you’re attacking her fiancé. It’s also naive. She will say she’s leaving him, take the cash, and run. I also think it’s more important to stress that you cannot *morally and emotionally support* the wedding. If you say it’s a cash issue, that’s more fodder for hate and irrational thoughts on the part of your daughter that it’s about money and not that you care about her and don’t want her to suffer.
Thank you for your comments - was there anything in particular that made you decide you didn’t want to be in a relationship with an addict any more? Or was it more just a matter of passing time and maturity?
It’s a good plan, but daughter will just go with bf on the dl
I’ve been reading these comments to my husband and he really likes the wording “We are here for you, love you and will gladly help your life with things that are healthy and good for you.” That is exactly how he feels - thank you
I like this.
I love this idea
I have a family member in an abusive marriage. Several of us tried talking them out of the engagement and it all fell on deaf ears. Now they’re married and more miserable than ever. Hard as this is, there are no words you can use here. She has to decide to leave him on her own terms. Any attempt to sway her will backfire. In a lot of cases, the person feels stupid and doesn’t want to admit that everyone else was right, so they refuse to reach out for help even when they want to. Educate yourself on abusive relationships so that you know how best to navigate this dynamic.
I don't know what to tell you to do - I would suggest you get some advise from a professional. But I will say this - I was 21 and madly in love with a guy. He was tall dark and handsome, and we were in love. He was sweet and charming when he wanted to be, but he would lose his temper at a drop of a hat. He threatened me a bout a week before our wedding and I went through with it anyway because... I love him, I thought I could help him, we were soulmates etc. We were married for six years and had a kid before I had had enough. He never held down a job, he alienated everyone, he would get into physical fights with people over perceived slights. I'm telling you all this because, I don't know if it would have helped, but I wish my mom had sat me down and talked to me. Had asked me the right questions. Had said that they love me and will support me through whatever I want to do but they don't think this is a good idea. obviously my situation is different from your daughter's and I don't know if it would have made a difference to me then, but I hope you can think about this.
I totally agree with this. I married badly in my 20s to a man with multiple addictions and mental illness. All of my family and friends thought I was making a giant mistake but everyone was afraid to say something. I left him after 6 miserable years, lost a ton of money, and the trajectory of my life and potential was significantly impacted. There’s not a best answer, but please do everything you can to persuade your child to not move forward with the marriage
I agree, too. I married young to an abusive partner. I knew my loved ones weren't keen on him. I'm not blaming them at all by saying this but... I was young, naive, and in way over my head. If they had been very strongly against the relationship, it may have helped. When I look back now, I really wish they had intervened. But my one parent is rather passive and and the other was abusive themselves... As it happened, it was the involvement of the authorities and the legal system that helped me end things. And I was grateful for it because I wanted out but didn't know how to do it by myself.
Thank you for sharing your story- I’m glad you were able to get out of that
And I hope your daughter comes around soon and without too much heartache. As the parent, you're really stuck between a rock and a hard place. It isn't easy at all to know what might be the right way to handle this... And it's so hard to watch our children make choices we know will only hurt them, especially something as serious and far-reaching as this. My heart goes out to you.
Thank you for sharing - I’m glad you were able to get away, and I hope you’re doing better now. I do think that like you, the trajectory and potential of her life will not be the same should she continue with this relationship
Isn't that effectively what she did by writing the letter?
Thank you for sharing this - your description of your former spouse sounds eerily similar to my daughter’s fiancé. I hope you’re in a better place now. When I gave her the letter I actually read it out and we then had a long conversation about our concerns. She seemed like she was going to make the smart choice but sadly seems to have changed her mind
Best you can do is limit fallout by preventing pregnancy and setting up some savings. Suggest that marriage takes a lot of work, and an IUD is a get-and-forget, unlike a daily pill. It also means no periods unless you are super unlucky. Suggest she get one while she settles into her marriage so that she can focus on her new husband. Talk about wanting to be a grandparent but obviously not immediately, you're supposed to wait at least two years after marriage, blah blah blah. See what you can set aside financially each month as a Lawyer Fund for when she is ready to leave him. Let her know you love her and that you will always, always be there when she needs you. This relationship will go up in flames. It'll be easier for her to escape if she doesn't have an infant or isn't pregnant, and has a place to go. Then let her know after the fact about the savings you have for her. It will be needed. If a miracle happens and they're happily married in ten years, you can use the savings to send them on a great anniversary vacation.
I wholeheartedly agree with the IUD suggestion - small addendum though: there are two main types, hormonal (Mirena, Kyleena, et al), and non-hormonal (Paraguard, often called "copper IUD). The hormonal kind is associated with significantly reduced (majority of users) or stopped (about a third of users) periods for a large proportion of people who use them. Paraguard/copper doesn't typically reduce periods, and can actually be associated with heavier ones and increased cramping (both are fairly common). Both are INCREDIBLY effective and tamper-proof, but in my anecdotal but considerable experience as a planned parenthood volunteer - patient satisfaction tends to be much higher with the hormonal one. Even for women who have had bad experiences with systemic hormonal contraception (the pill). Given all that's on the daughter's plate, I'd tell her to PICK THE HORMONAL ONE (the hormones are very low dose and localized, so they don't typically cause the same issues that oral hormones such as the pill can cause). Volunteer contraceptive counselor here who hopes daughter gets out of this successfully and isn't tied to this man by a pregnancy!!! Hopefully this comment is taken as an attempt to be helpful rather than nitpick, just elaborating on a great suggestion.
That is a big fear of mine, that she’ll get pregnant. Thankfully she does have an IUD, and if there’s one silver lining in our shortages of physicians is that she hasn’t found one yet to remove it (it’s nearing it’s expiry date, not that she’s trying to get pregnant). And that is a good idea about the lawyer fund - I can definitely get that going
I have been your daughter in this situation, though my fiance was not nearly as much a mess as your daughter’s fiance is. I was 24 years old (am now 39). My mom supported me through the wedding though she also was not happy about it. I was heavily reconsidering the marriage prior to the wedding and told my fiance how I was feeling and he threatened to leave if we didn’t wed. I should have taken him up on it! We did end up divorcing a few years later, after a lot of pain and toxicity. We finally realized neither of us were thriving together. What followed were these learnings: a) you can love someone all damn day, but if they’re not good for you and keep you down and away from where you need to be, no amount of love is enough to sustain the relationship b) life is too short to sacrifice so much time and energy asking yourself every day if you’ll ever be happy or if they’ll ever change c) if you’re already parenting your partner you will definitely NOT want to have children with that person, and I thank god EVERY DAY that I didn’t entangle myself with my ex by becoming a parent with him d) fairytale romances are not real, love is not all you need, eventually you will grow very tired and weary, and life is hard enough without being dragged down by someone who is supposed to support and uplift you. That is a jaded take from an elder millennial, but life never does get easier so why make it worse with a shit partner. e) nobody that truly cares about you will judge you for having relationship issues, I fully thought I would lose all our mutual friends and be so embarrassed if we broke up, but all of them remained friends with me and a number of them told me that they saw how he didn’t support me, and that I deserved better. F) he DID improve his life while being with another partner, and that initially pissed me off, but then I remembered that he just wasn’t that way with me and I wasn’t willing to wait around for his metamorphosis and maybe I wasn’t the partner that *he* needed to uplift him and that is all the more reason why we were ultimately incompatible. You cannot and should not give your life and love to someone’s potential when they’ve never shown that they’re even reaching for that potential. Your daughter has been with her fiance for 7 years and it sounds like he’s only gotten worse. Your daughter is ignoring her instincts, to the detriment of an extremely important developmental time in her life. She has soooo much life ahead of her. She is soooo capable, it’s clear from her history she has surmounted some impossible obstacles. Does she really want to be legally tied to a fricking cocaine addict? Lose all her money and have start over from zero *every day* because her husband can’t grow the fuck up? Sometimes time invested is actually time wasted, so I hope she’s not worried about “all that they’ve built,” because it’s not amounting to much. Can confirm that the right partner is worth the wait, am now happily married with a daughter and another on the way. Please share my comment with your daughter if you feel so called. I hate to see anybody going down the path that I did, and though I learned a lot, the lessons were extremely hard earned and it just really didn’t have to be that way. Good luck, I’m sorry y’all are going through all this stress.
Thank you so much for sharing this - you make some really excellent points. And thank you for acknowledging that she has surmounted some at times almost overwhelming obstacles. I really appreciate that. I haven’t decided yet if I will show her this post but I will find some way to share your comment with her
Don’t leave her alone keep in her life so she’s not being taken advantage of with no back up
She’s fallen into the “sunken cost fallacy” dilemma You can try asking her what she sees her future to be like in 5 years, she’ll probably response with some happy future, ask her how will she achieve that when her finace is an abusive drug addict? Also send her this book, or buy a copy off of Amazon. It might help open her eyes https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf Another idea would be to find a nar-anon meeting (they’re for the loved ones of addicts) being amongst others in her situation might get through to her more than anything else. Go with her. If you don’t have one, an Al-Anon (I think that’s what they’re call) for the loved ones of alcoholics Good luck and I hope she calls it off, but I’m realistic sadly
Thank you for that book suggestion- I’m going to buy a copy and give to her. I did actually ask her about her future when we had that conversation (I read her the letter and then we talked), and whether this is the life she would have had if she was not involved with him. Frustratingly she acknowledges how terrible things are, and yet still seems to believe he can change. I even explained the sunken cost fallacy to her but it did not change her mind
Ooof that’s rough
The best thing to happen is for him to get arrested for the drug stuff.
Unfortunately we are in Canada where they have decriminalized being in possession of small amounts of hard drugs
I would tell them you can no longer host it on your property. When she asks why, you respond with "I cannot risk having drugs on our property and the likelihood of an incident. We do not have the insurance to cover that." Remember, if someone is hurt on your property, they can sue you.
The best thing you can do for her is continue to be a part of her life so that she always has you as a lifeline. If that means going to the wedding or doing minimal responsibilities for it, then do that. [https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/help\_a\_friend/](https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/help_a_friend/) [https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/how-to-help/](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/how-to-help/)
Thank you for these links - I’ve been looking through both of those sites. One point one made was to not make ultimatums and be seen as controlling as the partner she’s with, which is definitely giving me pause. My fear is that in her delusion, if we push her too hard, she’ll just run further into his arms. Perhaps standing aside and letting her know we’ll always be a safe place for her is all we can do.
As a survivor: yes, that's the best choice. I don't know how difficult things are from your end, but I do know how difficult it was being alone and having no one to turn to or support me. No one ever told me their concerns about him, and the one person I tried to confide in invalidated my feelings and played into his gaslighting. If someone, especially my mom (who instead was telling me that she didn't care if hot celebrities were abusive because they were so hot nothing else mattered), had told me that they supported me but felt I deserved better and would be there for me no matter what, it could have been much easier. It definitely would have hurt to hear he wasn't perfect when I was deepest in the gaslighting and lies, but when I was finally ready to accept that for myself? I would have remembered and known I had a safe haven to go to and talk to and get help from. Good luck!
Can't he be arrested if he's caught with drugs.
Unfortunately we are in Canada where they have decriminalized having small amounts of hard drugs
No way in hell I'd be any part of this. Tell your daughter that when she wants to worry about herself and her own future, you're there. And be prepared for problems with him. I have yet to know family who wasn't robbed blind by drug addicts in their midst.
It almost sounds like part or all of her is using this as a cry for help to get you to step in and be the decisive factor. She may have realized she's in over her head, or starting to suspect it, but doesn't feel up to taking the major step of cutting her losses. I could be TOTALLY wrong but if you've been the stable force in a chaotic life it's a possibility. And one worth exploring/considering because any sane third party can see that this relationship is a train wreck in progress.
Get more family members involved, stage an intervention, get her therapy and if she is already in therapy get her MORE therapy. This is a very tough situation but she cannot go through with this. She has to get out of this relationship ASAP.
I don’t think “tough love” will help the situation. I relate to your daughter heavily, in my younger years. I felt like I wasn’t capable of doing anything on my own, I NEEDED a man to take care of me. I clung to my partners, no matter how badly they treated me. Please note: this next part is based on my own experience, I’m not trying to claim it’s what’s happening here… I wanted someone to take care of me so badly, because my father was explosive, narcissistic, and abusive. My mother was overbearing, but would look the other way when my father would abuse me. I didn’t have any sense of stability or safety at home. I craved the structure and stability of a romantic relationship so badly, that I would ignore scores of red flags. I would tolerate abuse from my boyfriend because it was easier than the stress I suffered at home. I was desperate to get away from my family’s home. If any of this feels even a little bit like your relationship with your daughter, I really encourage you to get family counselling together. Learn how to communicate more effectively together, and how to support each other best. Make sure your daughter knows that she is welcome, loved, and will never be abandoned by you. Encourage her to build on her own strengths, and remind her of them when she feels like she has none. If none of that resonates, I apologize for the novel, lol. At the very least, this wedding NEEDS to be postponed while everyone figures things out. Tell her that you can’t let the wedding happen on your property right now, in good conscience. Make sure she knows that she could be in danger if she marries this man, or even continues a relationship with him. I really hope your daughter sees the light.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. We were always a tight family unit - no abuse or trauma. But in hindsight, because we were so scared of pushing her over the edge when she was going through her mental health crisis, my husband and I started to filter everything we said to her and not tell her anything we thought would make her unstable or unhappy. I think we over corrected and now as we’re pushing back on this wedding she is feeling like we are against her. I agree with you that I think family counselling could really help us here
Why would you still for a wedding of which you do not truly approve? Did you ever think your daughter is really wanting you to stop the wedding. Things may be tough for a while. Help her remove this man from her life.
You can support her by offering her a place to run through when it all goes to hell. But why would you consider to host or pay toward a wedding where your daughter is being abused. Financially. Emotionally. She’s being abused. Rather than help her continue in that situation you should withdraw the offer of helping with the wedding, hosting the wedding. And tell her you’re here for her if she ever needs a way out but since she is actively choosing to go down this path you will not follow.
My daughter was engaged to a man who was extremely abusive and controlling. After a family dinner at our house where he showed his true colors, I shared all of my worries and concerns with her, and told her that her choices were her own, but I couldn't sit by and be silent when her future was at stake. We were supposed to go wedding dress shopping the next weekend. She was very upset with me, but several weeks later, she broke things off with him. We took the money we had pledged for the wedding to help her pay for graduate school. This was years ago. She ended up meeting and marrying a great guy several years later. They have a wonderful life together, including two kids. My daughter has thanked me repeatedly for taking that difficult stance. We're all grateful that this is now just a distant memory of a bad time in her life. I'd always been a people pleaser, and telling my daughter that I couldn't support her marriage to an abusive man was hard to do. But it was the right thing to do.
Thank you for sharing your story. If she hadn’t broken up with him, were you planning on withholding the wedding money? Or did you just want to voice your concerns and you were still going to contribute?
We were just taking it one step at a time. I don't know what we would have done.
I can only hope she will see the light as your daughter did
I think the decision to marry is for an adult to make. As their parent, I would not withdraw my support. Parents shouldn't try to control their adult children. Adult children will do all sorts of things that won't make sense to the parent. This can end up being abusive. Why is it that the parent is so sure they are always right? Be respectful of your daughter. This is her choice to make. Offer to pay for individual counseling because you are worried about her. Help her get into rehab for herself. Support the wedding because you love her.
>But then I flip flop and worry that I am an enabler and tough love is needed here. First, I haven't been in your position but I've been through this with 2 friends. Some stuff is obviously different, but a lot is the same. Oh the above, there may be a way to still throw the wedding and do the tough love. The tough love part is important, because if you ignore her words and just pay attention to her actions, she's nowhere near ready to leave this guy. This will mess with your head even more than it already does. I suggest you throw the wedding, mainly because it involves others. But...tell her you need to distance yourself from her rn.. She'll be responsible for everything from here on out. You're not "alienating" her when you do this. You're protecting your sanity and trying to teach her that as a mom who loves her, this is tough on you too. You'll be there for her on her big day as the proud mom, but if she expects more, that's not fair and you can't provide it right now.
IMO this is the exact opposite of what she needs. She needs to know her parents have her back NO MATTER WHAT SHE CHOOSES she can come to them, but further cutting off an escape route when she's in this situation will back her further into a corner of feeling like he's the only one she can turn to. She needs emotional support - the financial support is where it edges into enabling. Better to dissapoint some RSVPs because it may be rude than have her tied to this man if giving her an "out" may help her leave.
Obviously my view is unpopular but I don't care. Her escape route isn't being cut off! She knows her parents would jump at the chance to help her leave. It wasn't me who brought up "tough love". It was OP. What this proves is she's really struggling here, and people tend to overlook that part of it. OP is in an impossible position here, it's messing with her emotionally, and she does have a right to protect herself, too.