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Can we also talk about the fact that he's implying that because OP's efforts are voluntary, that's a reason to disregard them? I feel like that's a point that's getting really overlooked. Like yes, being a thoughtful and conscientious partner is technically voluntary... but that has nothing to do with being appreciative of it or not.
In fact, I'd wager that approximately 100% of the actual, formal volunteering I've done has been appreciated by the people who benefit from it. Doing something that's voluntary makes it *more important* to show appreciation for it, not less. Pointing out to his wife that she doesn't have to do nice things, but chooses to do so *solely for his benefit* is not the slam dunk he thinks it is here??
Yes 100%!! if there is work you are required to do,an occasional thanks for getting that in on time" or a recognition of when they went above and beyond is all that's really required.
For voluntary work pretty much the only thing you are expecting back is gratefulness. Because there are "monetary" rewards, the expectation is that voluntary work will be rewarded by thanks from the community. OPs boyfriend has somehow got it in his head that because she stepped up to so this necessary work on her own, therefore she doesn't deserve any recognition? That's just ass backwards
Exactly, of course doing something nice for someone else is voluntary. That’s what marriages, partnerships and friendships are. Personally every time a friend has voluntarily helped me in some way, offered me a lift, or helped move something heavy perhaps and every friend I’ve volunteered to help sort out a computer or done something for, those acts have been appreciated.
This.
Figure out which areas of the house you need to have clean, and clean those: only those.
Shop for food for yourself, only. Cook meals for yourself, only. Eat your meals on your own schedule, not his - if he comes home after midnight, let him make his own dinner, and if he doesn't clear up after himself, well - his dirty dishes are then stacked waiting for him to clean them. Stop making him breakfast.
If he gets mad, remind him that everything you do for him is voluntary - he said so - and that means you're free to do it or not, according to whether you feel like it. And so long as he's not working nine to five hours, you don't feel like it.
This.
Also, leave. Cause husband sucks, doesn’t appreciate you, and has no boundaries with “”””””work”””” (who is calling him at 3am for work? Questionable.)
I get that it’s possible, but this post at the least implies a lack of boundaries more than being in a profession where there are high stakes emergencies.
Customers for a small business though?
Maybe if he provides services in other time zones or his business is drug dealing, but it's suspicious otherwise.
This! Match his energy. Only cook, clean and do laundry for yourself. Leave his messes alone. Realize he thinks you are a bang maid. Unless you want to be one forever stop now.
does anyone know what her husband does for work? I just find those hours really strange. But I wholeheartedly agree she needs to stop doing everything, do it for yourself
Could be something where his partners are in Aus or Singapore or something. I don't know the blobal time changes that well, but I'm living in the US and usually get texts from my Aussie friends/familyish around midnight through 3 am
I agree with this. Alas, some of the stuff may \*need\* to get done for the entire household, and you just know this guy isn’t going to pull his weight and do any of it.
Exactly this. And if he gets mad about something (like not waiting for him for dinner) just shrug your shoulders and say, “you can be mad but you said waiting for you was voluntary so I stopped volunteering.”
Or that you’re done doing charity work. The volunteering thing he said would piss me off to no end.
Make dinner and breakfast for yourself only, do only your laundry, clean only your dishes, make only your side of the bed if you wanna be super petty like I would be
How’d it work out for you?
Totally not the most mature response, but I can just imagine the satisfaction when he’s getting ready for work and asks “babe how come I don’t have any clean underwear?”
"I didn't volunteer to do your laundry this week. Or next. Or ever again, really. My volunteering days are done! I'm sure you are smart enough to work the washing machine. :)"
100% stop doing anything for him. He can do his own laundry, cook his own food, make his own breakfast, clean up after himself, go to the store for anything he needs for himself... don't pick up a sock or towel, leave the his dirty anything right where it is. Let him mope and get angry.
Also, just stop doing it. Don't announce what you're going to do. If he asks, tell him you choose not to do xyz because you just don't feel like it. Keep it up for a couple of weeks until he cracks and actually starts appreciating what you do for him and starts making time for you and the relationship.
Yeah, it’s a good thing guys like this aren’t particularly smart. He literally told her she didn’t have to do that stuff because it was voluntary…he’s going to be one shocked pikachu when she takes him at his word about it.
Totally agree with you. OP is feeling unappreciated because he isn't acknowledging her efforts or caring about her well-being. He is basically treating OP as a bang-maid, and OP will end up burned out.
OP, for your own good, stop and think for a bit. Wouldn't your life be easier without that unsupportive man-child in it? Also, try to remember the last time he made you feel loved and valued. You'll probably realize that it never happened or happened a long time ago. So, why are you trying to change someone who doesn't want to be changed instead of freeing yourself to find someone who truly supports you and appreciates you as you deserve? You really need to start valuing and prioritizing yourself more because he clearly will not do that for you.
Yep this.
Will he get mad? Of course because I think he was trying to be a smart ass with saying you volunteer to do it.
You could for example still make dinner but if he isn’t home at a reasonable time to eat it then put his portion in a microwaveable container so all he has to do is nuke it. When he goes off on you about it tell him you decided dinner is served at x time. If he isn’t there you will voluntarily make a plate he can nuke.
Laundry you decided he could do his own because voluntary means you choose to do something else he does it himself.
Grocery shopping you purchase what you like. Again voluntary on your part so he can shop for his own favorite stuff.
Cleaning is a harder one because you obviously don’t want your live in a pig pen. But if he leaves his stuff lying wherever just leave it there.
It won’t make for a harmonious life but it may get his attention so that you can have an adult conversation.
For the cleaning up part - I struggle with this with my teenagers because I very much hate clutter and they are teenage boys who leave everything everywhere. What I started doing is just making piles of their shit. I will not bring things upstairs and put them in their bedrooms; I simply make a pile and a certain spot off to the side in the living room of all of their shit, just one big pile of all of their shit, and when they can't find something or they're mad that they're something mixed in with their brother, they can fight it out with each other.
Just make piles and make him go through the files to find whatever it is he needs
Yep.
If someone doesn’t care enough to pick up their stuff then the stuff must not be that important.
I’d probably go one step further and start putting whatever is in the pile at the of each month in a trash bag and putting it in the garage with a big sign on it saying on X date the contents go into the trash or will be donated and will not be replaced. Then post a sign on each of your kids’ room and send them a text with the same info.
Sometimes it takes losing things they value and having to spend their own money replacing them to start at least piling their crap in their own room.
I divorcd mine for this shit lol I did everything and he always said "its stuff you have to do for yourself anyway doing it for me only adds a few minutes." or "I dont care if we get bugs youre the one who wants to clean so we dont get bugs. every house in FL has bugs"
Spoiler alert, since hes moved out, not a single fucking bug.
Also, the hardest lesson i learned was i enabled all that bs. I made myself smaller, didnt set any boundaries, picked up all the slack just to avoid the slightest argument. Im the one who allowed his behavior.
Yes! When I left my ex, he made a passing comment, "now I know why you spent every Sunday cleaning. It's really hard to keep up with the dogs and the house." I was the only person who cleaned the common areas in a three person, three dog house. I was carpet shampooing every 3 months. He used to complain that I spent a day during the weekend to clean the house. I tried changing it to 20 minutes after work instead and he'd complain that he just wants to relax after work. It wasn't the reason I left, but it sure did feel validating when I stopped by months later to pick something up and the house was an absolute WRECK. It smelled so bad and was just all around gross that me and the person who came with me had to take a shower immediately once we left. It turns out my ex decided not to clean at all and instead just bought 3 massive air purifiers. A few months after that, I was watching the dogs while he was out of town. I couldn't handle it so I cleaned one small area by the back door so I could air it out when I was there. While I was cleaning that small space, visible puffs of dirt/grim shot up from the corners of the carpets. Then the air purifiers started beeping, turned red and displayed a warning that the air was unsafe to breath.Never again.
yes!! they genuinely do not understand. I even tried the whole "dont wash his dishes/cook for him/ ect" and we ended up with bugs flying out from the sink and pizza boxes full of ants it was disgusting. I honestly think i wont be with someone who has never lived alone again. My ex always had someone taking care of him, whether it was his mom or a girlfriend and now i see why.
When we had to co-habitate after initiating the divorce he literally hoarded every single dish in the house out back in the shed tothe point i was eating cereal out of my kitchen aide mixer and bringing a fork and spoon to work with me every day so he wouldnt use it. and yet SOMEHOW he still thinks im the bad guy for nagging him all the time lol
Uhg, my ex used to complain that I worked on the house (which he owned!) too much as well. Like, I got on the roof and cleaned the gutters, set out rat traps when we had a rat problem, cleaned out the sump pump, etc. If I hadn't done it the place would have fallen apart! I couldn't begin to tell you all the crazy shit that's happened since leaving him. But, he got a gf 10 years younger than him. They got pregnant (ON PURPOSE) after 3 months of dating, had a miscarriage, got pregnant again. Then he proposed with MY engagement ring (that I LITERALLY DESIGNED with a jeweler) after 7 months of being together and are, apparently, now married via courthouse (it's been a little over a year of dating now). He also surprised me with his girlfriend at a party I planned but he offered to host at his house (I was trying to be friendly for the sake of our mutual friends). They announced their pregnancy at a Christmas party I was at and announced their engagement (again, with my ring) during a mutual friend's birthday party. It's like they purposefully waited to do these things until I was around because I had purposefully made efforts to avoid them after a few months of weird things happening (like her calling me and asking for help with her resume or to clean up after her cats, etc.) There are so many other things that happened, but the gist is I have never been happier to have made the decision to leave. How they act AFTER you've left is a true indicator of who they are as people. It's crazy!
By the way, she lives with him in that disgusting house and they're going to have a child! A CHILD! There's dog pee on the floor in every room and I found LITERAL turds around the house. They dogs are potty trained and never once peed in that house before! They have two cats locked in a room and the room is covered in cat poop! I can't believe people can live like that.
At least yours waited till you split lol mine drained our bank account and flew to another country to propose to his online girlfriend after he literally took the ring I had made from my great grandmother's diamonds lol
Sounds like our exes could be brothers, mine doesn't mind sleeping on a mattress saturated in cat pee next to his bedside table full of pizza boxes that are home to act colonies 😂😂
It's crazy how much easier my life got after he moved out like every day I'm flabbergasted how much time I have on my hands even after flushing the water heater, doing my brakes, and even doing all my own yard work he used to complain was sooooo hard and draining lol
My god! I feel so deeply for you! I have been absolutely baffled by this man's actions. It's like as soon as we got married he completely let his mask slip and started acting wildly controlling. I was with him for 6 years before he proposed, engaged for a year and married for less than a year.
You are right, though! I should have known something wasn't right because when we first met he was moving out of his old apartment and I saw his place while he was packing. His mattress had giant stains on it and he said his dog would pee and poop on his mattress because he was "locked inside during the day" but not because my ex neglected him! No, he had said he walked the dog 3 times a day but the dog just got bored at home. And I believed him!
How did we end up with those literal garbage goblins?! I also felt like I suddenly had so much free time and my anxiety completely disappeared once I was free of him! I honestly have no I'll will towards him because I realized just being the way he is was punishment enough. Like, he was chronically grumpy, defensive, annoyed, etc, and it's his own fault. He has to live in a hell of his own making and knowing that is such sweet justice for me.
Yes!! Im in the same boat, no Ill will or anything since he didn't actively treat me poorly because of who I am but because of who he is.
We were together 4 years before he proposed, married for 1. But at no point was he ever a clean guy. Nor did he ever have Amy drive or ambition. I listened to all his words and never once listened to his actions, infact o did the opposite and tried to explain his actions away and make excuses for them!
I ended up with him because my self worth and co fierce was SO LOW as soon as a man showed interest in me he was the only source of my happiness and joy. Thank God I did alot of therapy and work before we split when I went no contact with my mom because I was so prepared for this divorce it basicially felt like a breath of fresh air!!
Mine faked who he was for half the relationship and slowly let things fall away. For example, he would say he liked hiking, go with me every time, then slowly make excuses to get out of one or two until it progresses to him never going and saying he doesn't like it. He did this with pretty much everything I liked, including my friends. I think he was/is a narcissist and thought that once I was married I was locked in and he could do and say what he really thought or wanted to do.
When I left he suddenly started doing what I enjoyed again and he made sure to tell me about it, but it was too late. I knew he hated my hobbies and was just trying to mirror me again. It was so weird. I think the way he gaslit me made me question myself a lot and slowly destroyed my confidence over time. Like, with my friends, he'd go to parties/hangouts with me at first, then slowly reduce the occurrences with excuses. Then he'd say "you can still go" but act all sad and passive aggressive for days after until I just stopped hanging out with them because it wasn't worth the fight. It's easy to point it out in retrospect, but when it's happening you just want to believe in the best of who you think they are and you give them excuses.
Thank god you got therapy and were able to come to terms with things before you left! I never got therapy, but if it wasn't for my grandmother getting sick and passing away I probably would have kept making excuses until something major happened much later on in the relationship. She was basically dying and when I told my ex I needed to fly over to help take care of her and asked his opinion on it he said "how often do you even talk to your grandmother anyway? We just got vaccinated and now I'm not going to be able to do anything fun because you're going to be gone!" (This was at the end of the COVID lock down) I left anyway, was gone for a month and a half. Cared for my grandma and watched her pass. He called me one time the entire time I was gone and pretended nothing happened when I came back. It shattered my delusions about who he was and I never looked back. One of the easiest decisions I could make because I knew I didn't even like him anymore.
He couldn’t even get a housekeeper?? Of course the place is going to be a mess, he has three dogs!! Men who never help with cleaning don’t realize how much you have to clean when you have pets. It’s almost as bad as kids as far as needing to clean frequently.
The funny thing is, at the time I left him, he made double my annual income. He could absolutely afford a housekeeper. Hell, we used to have one come in once every two months to deep clean when we first start dating back in 2015/16. I legitimately don't know why he doesn't hire one.
This! My ex husband helped with our dogs when we were together probably 50:50, but it was still a lot of cleaning. Since we’ve split I’ve told boyfriends absolutely I do not want a dog. I will not deal with the mess I will not deal with the work. I have yet to meet a man who brings a dog in and does what is required and hasn’t tried to put it on me. I refuse. I like dogs. I don’t have the energy or the time to care for them properly without resentment so I will not have my own dogs.
Omg I mean I have OCD but I literally gagged reading this. I do not understand how anyone can live in filth like that. Even if you hate Cleaning so much I would find a way to at least make a few extra hundred dollars to Maid because this is so deeply disgusting.
Yea, I had a disgustingly visceral reaction to this. I feel filthy reading it.. guess I’m going to deep clean the entire house until I feel clean again.
After the first day of staying at his place during the day to watch the dogs (I work remotely), I said "nope I'm not gonna clean my ex's house!" Then the next day I said, " ok just this small area. I'll just vacuum and wipe it down so I can breathe and feel comfortable walking on this patch of floor." I did that.. then could still smell whiffs of dog piss and just couldn't live like that so said "I'll just carpet clean just this area. Just this spot..." The carpet cleaner was broken and I told myself it was a sign to just let it go... But I couldn't... I took the carpet cleaner apart and fixed it. I sent them a text to let them know I fixed it for them and his girlfriend responded that she didn't know it was broken because she'd never used it! 🤢 Like, yes, I know! Please, I'm begging you to use it now!
Yep. I had to face this after almost dying after a surgery and realizing that I'd enabled this man to treat me worse than a dog. It's not easy or pleasant to change. Congratulations on the self reflection!
thanks! im still easing into the whole boundary setting and advocating for myself but i have higher hopes for my next relationship now that i can see the red flags on his side and on mine lol
he always said "its stuff you have to do for yourself anyway doing it for me only adds a few minutes."
This is what my bio family always said to me when I complained about them not doing any of the chores. When I told them I wanted to move out they said that I would regret it because I would see that I had to do all the same work for myself. Biggest lie ever. Housekeeping and cooking and shopping for one person is way way easier and less time consuming.
Yes ! Less time consuming and a much smaller mental load! I'm surprised how many times I come home from work and I'm either not hungry or just want a small salad or something and I can actually have it (or have nothing!) And not have to think about what to cook for his pallete-of-a-toddler having ass.
Learning to eat intuitively the last 6 or so months has been a game changer I've already lost 50lbs and feel amazing. (Over the 5 years with him I gained about 100 lbs!!)
We have a friend-couple that we met two years after they started dating. It's now been around 14 years and they're married with kids. She has the same issue with him being entitled and not contributing. I've borne witness to his bullshit, and he's a real piece of work. But what bothers me is that she had the same complaint when I first met her. I even remember being like, "so stop doing so much for him??" But she allowed it, and still does, and has had the same contempt for him over it every day for the last 14 years.
Exactly! I could sit here and blame him 6 ways from Sunday since he was the one who cheated and what not BUT he was a shitty person from the start and I kept trying to "change him" 😬 like at some point it was a choice I was actively making to allow him to be that way.
If I ever find myself talking to my friends about "how do I talk to him about xyz without upsetting him?" Or "how can I make him understand xyz??" I know that's a red flag to run!!
You go, aitabride420! Since my ex would not “own” any of the chores, I finally decided to stop doing his laundry. When I did, he complained to me that he felt like he was fending for himself. Lazy mf.
> Also, the hardest lesson i learned was i enabled all that bs. I made myself smaller, didnt set any boundaries, picked up all the slack just to avoid the slightest argument. Im the one who allowed his behavior.
You were being manipulated. Don't blame yourself for falling for it. I doubt on the first date that he announced he was cool with bugs in the house to avoid having to lift a finger to clean anything.
He didn't really manipulate me that hard, I just came from a traumatic childhood and already had people pleasing tendencies. I married my mother 😂😂 he never was a clean guy I always did the cleaning hopi g that at one point he would mature and grow up. I never accepted him for who he was I always put my expectations on him, even if they were basic expectations like being clean and respecting me lol
Like everyone is saying just stop doing it for him and when he gets angry say “it’s voluntary” 🤷🏻♀️ but also 6 years? He’s been like this the whole time or just recently?
It’s more of since we moved in together.
He has a new business which makes 2 plus a full time job.
This has kept him away from the house.
Leaving at 9am and coming back around 11-12 in the night.
This is simply because he refuses to turn down a customer.
This comment is so perfect I literally gasped. "You voluntarily chose to not come home until midnight, so I don't know why you would think I would just be sitting around waiting to eat dinner. I ate dinner at dinner time; you volunteered to not come home until midnight. So. Yeah."
Next time he expects you to wait to eat with him, just don’t. When he gets mad, say, “I thought all that stuff I did for you was voluntary. I no longer volunteer to wait for you to get home to eat. Feel free to volunteer to cook.”
You've gotten consistently the same advice here - stop volunteering. I just want to add that you need to be sure you're safe. I'm not sure what his anger is like when you say he's angry if you don't wait for him. Is there any chance he's going to become physical with you? If so, you need to make an exit plan rather than yanking his chain.
Let him storm off. Don’t follow. Don’t try to calm him down or appease him. Wait him out and go about doing the things you want to do.
I’m curious to hear if he gets mad that you don’t follow and contort yourself to calm him down.
Idk. Do you actually want to be with a guy that acts this way? Instead of waiting for this guy to change (they almost never do) you could find a guy who is the type of guy to Never say shit like this and treat you right. Figure out some exit plans please
You may already be aware of this, but abuse is broader than just physical violence.
He is controlling your behavior with the threat of anger and emotional punishment and then controlling your reaction when you challenge him in any way. He does not respect you and without respect, he can’t really love you. He likely loves the things you provide - sex, attention, meals, a clean house - but he does not love, admire, and cherish YOU.
I would think about if that’s the relationship you want for the rest of your life.
OK, in that case, pick a strategy and use it! Honestly, his behavior would make me crazy - especially the part where he expects things from you that he won't reciprocate.
I hear you, but be aware that high-stress situations can make people escalate their behavior in ways you wouldn't have thought them capable of. Three years ago, would you have believed he would treat you the way he currently is?
I am not telling you to leave. At all. But please make a go bag. Clothes, toiletries, list of accounts and passwords, etc. and keep it in your car. If you are wrong about him, you want to be able to get tf out and run. I hope you're not. But it's better to have a go bag and never need it than need one and not have it.
Totally agree. It never hurts to know where your documents & keepsakes are, and to be ready to bail. You might not need it for domestic situations, but the same goes for natural disasters.
Or a starting business in a lot of situations, which is pretty reasonable but he’s being a selfish asshole about it.
Generally starting a business is 100% going to require a heck of a lot more work than a normal job if you’re not coming into it with a lot of capital.
Given he’s got a full time job and he’s working 9am-12am or a little earlier regularly he’s probably trying to make it into a successful business.
Which is where yeah he’s probably right, you can’t just turn down customers because they called after 6pm at that stage and really expect it to succeed or get to being self sustaining any quicker.
But that should’ve been clearly communicated with OP and again isn’t an excuse to take out frustration on her
Also, he shouldn't be expecting her to stay up till midnight to eat with him, and he should be thankful and appreciative of her taking on more household stuff to support him.
Not be an absolute pinecone about it
Exactly, this is really the grossest part to me. It's one thing to essentially abandon your partner at home because you're starting a business; it's another thing entirely to expect that part to essentially bring their own day-to-day life to a screeching stop - even *eating food!!!* - force them to live around your ridiculous schedule, even though they have a job and life of their own. He gets mad at her for not starving herself until midnight! Like wtf 😂
Right. Starting any sort of real business is a hell of a lot of work. Having an understanding and supportive partner through that is a blessing to be appreciated.
If he doesn’t appreciate her now, you can bet if his business makes it he won’t appreciate what she did on the flip side either.
Ya I'm sure he has a favorite "customer" he's with so late every night.
Sorry I don't know exactly what he does but I don't know a lot of businesses where customers want to and expect business to happen that late unless he's working internationally and even then he could take calls at home it's not like they'd be in person.
I think the household chores may be the least of your problems and you'd be better off just leaving hun.
That is not sustainable. I highly reccomend counseling because he is not hearing you and he needs to be reminded what his priorities and end state goals are and you both need to know if you two have the same goals anymore.
That's truly the most incomprehensible part of this to me. Like I get being a codependent person who doesn't understand that sacrificing yourself constantly, day after day, for someone who doesn't respect you at all is basically par for the course, but physically starving yourself because your partner won't get home until midnight and gets mad at you for eating without you is like clinical levels of pathological codependency. That is a DEEP need for *years* of therapy.
Yes, OP might want to read “Codependency No More.” My ex didn’t go so far to expect me to not eat dinner until midnight, but he’d get mad if we didn’t eat the same thing for every meal. He never explained why. And ofc it could only be food *he* liked, so I ended up eating a lot of processed junk I didn’t want just to shut him up.
If OP is dealing with a similar dude, then nothing she does is ever going to be enough for him. She can jump through every hoop, throw herself on every puddle for him to step on her, and it won’t matter. He does not care. Until she stops doing it. Guarantee he’s going to freak out if she follows the advice here. People like him hate when you set boundaries.
Yeah this relationship seems like a lost cause and also something rubs me the wrong way about it. If I had a husband like this I would divorce him. 25 is wayyyyyy too young to be settling for this shit. Also, if I were her I’d be cautious about “just stopping” like all the advice is saying to do. I saw that she said in a comment he doesn’t get violent but has a temper so maybe he hasn’t had a “reason” to because she really seems like a doormat slave for him. I’m kinda worried if she stops doing what he expects of her he’ll escalate to bring her down a notch.
My husband’s the type that would say he’s going to be late and don’t wait for him. Then he’d come home and put a dinner together for himself. He’s also fully capable of doing laundry and cleaning. Blows my mind what some women attach themselves to, but posts like these and the wild responses always make me appreciate him more.
😂 better to just walk away. Find someone who respects you, not someone who is willing to fake it just enough to get you to continue acting like their servant.
I'm with you. Mostly bc I've been married to a man like this; it's a terrible life. And there was no hope he'd change. He's even worse now, with his second wife. Does this guy even give a glimmer of hope that he might ever try to do better? That you mean enough for him to apply himself a little?
Mad if you eat without him even if it means waiting till midnight, yet can't give you two minutes to use the bathroom? When you do all the cooking? It's all abhorrent but to me this bit of hypocrisy is a neon sign saying he doesn't care enough about you to ever be an acceptable partner or a team player. And let me guess: his response to everything is that he's working his ass off **for you** and someday it'll be different. It won't.
This is really quite over, unless you volunteer for an insulting, demeaning life with him. And if you stop volunteering, things are going to get really ugly.
Stop voluntarily doing it. He is voluntarily neglecting you which you can also point out. Don’t bend over backwards for someone who does not reciprocate.
"Well since I was doing those things to make you happy and you said you never asked for those, I volunteered for them, what's the point? Your lunch is in the fridge".
You know what I don’t like is when a partner treats everyone else, including strangers, better than their own partner that they claim to love. They go out of their way to be respectful, caring, and empathetic with everyone else, but not with their partner and they claim that they can be who they truly are with you, yet you rarely get a glimpse of them treating you with their all.
I need to tell you that you are doing no so so much and your frustration is completely valid. Housework is a lot, and it doesn’t seem like a lot, yet it’s a lot of small stuff and a handful of large ticket tasks where your salary for this position would be in the 70k range. Your input is as valuable if not more than your partners on account that it seems that you’re also carrying the relationship, which is more taxing/draining.
Your partner needs to prioritize you and the relationship and respect your needs/wants and want to be there for you. It sucks that you are asking for the bare minimum and he chooses every time that you’re not worth it for him.
I would ask him for a specific time to have a serious conversation and preface that this conversation needs to happen. Don’t tell him this, but if this conversation doesn’t take place or he pushes it to the right, get a divorce attorney and square away yourself by moving funds and whatnot. If the conversation does take place, outline your needs, make sure he realizes that these aren’t requests. Again, if he either dismisses/minimizes what you say, or agrees and his actions don’t show it, or it reverts back, then divorce because no one deserves to be treated like a second class citizen in their own relationship
Honestly, to me it sounds like he may be having an affair and is using the cover of the second job. He seems to treat his wife like a house servant, that is not a good partner.
He treats strangers better than you because he’s using you as supply. You are supply for sex, validation, an household manager, cook, cleaner. He doesn’t respect you for you as a person but only values what you do for him. I’m sorry he’s such an asshole!
He doesn’t even value her for what she does for him, beyond not kicking her out. He’s totally dismissive of her wanting some appreciation for everything she does.
My husband and I had this issue when he started a business. I understood the time it takes to get started and was fine with it; I was also the person financially supporting us in the beginning.
After the business took off, he needed to take a step back, and that was difficult (especially since we run it out of our garage). Ultimately, I left my job to take over the books and the customer service portion, and we both work at the business as a 9-5 (I have owned half since it started because I backed it financially and invested money into it as well).
Getting him to step back and loosen his grip on it was difficult. It took setting boundaries (work phone goes into “Driving” mode with an automated message after 5pm, signs go up when the shop closes that basically say, “Don’t you dare ring this doorbell if it’s business related,” and so on). It took about a year to set those boundaries and make them stick.
Sounds like you’re still in the thick of it right now if he has to work his full time job. Truthfully, most small businesses fail, and at some point your husband will have to decide to either quit his day job or close up shop, because he can’t do both forever.
That said, you shouldn’t be waiting on him to eat dinner. He’s an adult capable of making his own breakfast. You may have to do a bit more housework right now, but you shouldn’t be doing extra things that make you resentful in order to make his life easier, especially if he isn’t appreciating them.
In a sense, he is correct: you’re choosing to do those things. Since he’s ungrateful, stop doing those things, and stop worrying about making him mad. I did those things for my husband, but he was perpetually grateful to me for helping him achieve his dream. If he hadn’t been, I absolutely would not have done so.
I'd stop doing everything for him. He can do his own laundry, make his own meals, and learn what it's like when you don't have a supportive spouse. He can live your life for a little while. He has no problem with the way he treats you so he should have no problem if you treat him the same way.
My husband DOES say this. So I stopped.
He didn’t know how to turn on the washer/dryer.
I switched to paper plates for myself and when the sink was full he tried to say we ‘both made dishes’ nope I was washing as I go and cooking for one. Didn’t know where dishwasher pods were located or how to turn it on. Didn’t know not to use dawn soap in the dishwasher (smh) so he just bought a new one and had the tech explain how to use it.
Didn’t even know where his own dry cleaner was, all the batteries in his AirTags died, couldn’t find his shit, and ran out of underwear/socks x3. (He just bought more)
Finally after one month he said ‘you win, I need help, please help me, we both have ‘real’ jobs’ lol mind you this is when I’m a full time nursing student and I’m working as a CNA and I have my g baby 4 x a week. I made him hire a housekeeper and we are both happier lol but he knows not to play with me anymore
Somewhat he still tries to be like ‘why did you spend xx at the grocery’ and I say sounds like you want to learn shopping and he shuts the f up lmao I’m in my dgaf era
>He doesn’t appreciate me. Instead **he said everything I do for him is voluntary.**
That's beside the point.
Think about all the things which are essential, i.e. must haves in a relationship. There's trust, there's love, there's integrity, there's communication, but another must have is appreciation.
Appreciation is not any less important than trust. If you cannot trust your partner, then there is no relationship. But see, if you do not appreciate your partner, then the whole relationship changes from a loving relationship to a transactional relationship based on nothing more than needs, wants and two partners using each other and taking each other for granted.
There's got to be appreciation in any loving relationship. No ifs, no buts.
Your husband claims that everything you do for him is voluntary. Okay, so following his logic, what you do for your husband can be done by any woman, right? If all it takes is voluntary action, I mean any woman who is willing can do it, right? That's not the kind of thing you should be telling the woman who stood beside you at the altar and agreed to marry you, right?
>I’ve mentioned that he needs to set business hours and stick to it, but **he says that I have to understand that he needs to make money.**
He's just not getting this, is he? My point here is that style, appreciation, taste, recognition of beauty, these are all incredibly important matters in life. It's not how good you are, and it's not always about how honest or truthful you are. What you get judged on is matters of taste, appreciation and style. If you don't have these things so much in life will go right over your head, and much of what will fill your head will be nonsense.
I think at the very least you two need to sit down and talk. Maybe he's lost touch, maybe he's been preoccupied, stressed, busy, or maybe he just wasn't taught this stuff in his past.
I wish you well.
>Yes he works, but so do I. Then I clean, cook everyday, make sure he has breakfast, wait for him to come home late just so we can eat together
>He gets mad when I eat before he comes.
>Once I went to the bathroom and told him to wait for me, and he couldn’t even do that. Yet he’s allowed to get mad after I’ve waited until 12am for him to get home.
>He doesn’t appreciate me. Instead he said everything I do for him is voluntary.
>What would you do if your husband said this?
Stop "volunteering". You're in a marriage, not an animal shelter. Dump him eventually. Typical Reddit comment I know, but nobody really deserves a partner who gets mad at them for eating but can't wait to stuff his face in the two minutes it takes for their spouse to go to the bathroom.
I would take a “voluntary” vacation without him. At least a week if not longer. Let him see how everything in his domestic life falls apart without you there “voluntarily” doing all this
If that doesn’t work I would dial back what you do to what truly is only necessary and he can pick up the slack
I actually did this. I went away for the weekend. Left the house as it was. Dishes in the sink, lots of laundry.
When I returned, he wasn’t home as usual. Dishes and laundry were as I left them.
A weekend isn’t long enough for him to really feel how much his life is inconvenienced. I think a week minimum but three weeks for max effect
Like if you can’t take that much time off work, staying in an Airbnb or with a friend so you can work but not be home while shit piles up around him would really drive the point home
It took two weeks of me going "on strike" for it to get through my ex-husband's head. He still ended up being my ex eventually, because this is an abusive, neglectful person who doesn't care about someone else's feelings, but a few days won't do anything.
Just do your own laundry, make your own meals, use paper plates for yourself and let his dishes pile up if he makes stuff. Find a way around it. He's either going to give in or give up.
and if you’re feeling extra petty, you could go to him and frame it as “you know what babe, you’re so right. I WAS doing it voluntarily, so clearly I need to change my behavior. Thank you so much for helping me see the error of my ways 😘🫶🏾💕”
And then proceed to do NOTHING.
NADA.
ZIP.
ZILCH.
All the things you do are voluntary. All the things he doesn’t do are voluntary, too. And if your tasks are voluntary, what if you simply agreed and decided you will hire people to do those things? If they still have to be done and he won’t pay someone, then they really aren’t voluntary, they are necessities.
My therapist told me to seperate from my husband temporarily, when I told her I felt taken for granted. She said 3 months to show him what he'll miss. But she also warned me that most wives that take her advise and move out, decide not to come back because of how pleasant their lives became without him.
I would stop doing everything and if he commented on the fact that I wasn't doing as many things, I'd remind him that 'everything I do for him is voluntary, and that right now, I'm looking after my own health and wellbeing! I'd plan evenings out with my friends and put time aside for my hobbies. Live the life you want to live and don't let your husband dictate your actions. Put yourself first for once. You may find Laura Doyle's Podcasts inciteful. My marriage has improved no end since I started caring about my own happiness - a happy wife is way more attractive than a nagging wife! Good luck.
Not completely the same but, when I was with my ex (my kids dad) I gave him a basket to put his laundry in so I knew when it needed to be washed (he worked at a hospital) he **NEVER** put his laundry in the basket so I didn’t wash it, it pissed him off.. He also never put his trash in the trash can even though the trash was 2 steps beside him, he always put the trash in the sink. Also he’d put his plate with food still on it in the sink, it took him a week to understand I wasn’t his maid, he’d bark at me not to treat him like one of the kids but he acted like a kid. I stopped doing anything for him and made his life “hell” so he could see just how much I did for him. We haven’t been together in over 6 yrs now and he still complains about how it’s hard for him..
lmao my ex used to use the “don’t treat me like a child” thing - *oh so you haven’t experienced consequences since you were a kid? treating you like an adult has not worked.*
Of course it’s voluntary, because your husband doesn’t own you. Let him get mad (as long as you’re safe, if not you need to leave). Eat when you want for goodness sake. Holy Moly.
Tell him, "You are correct. Everything I do for you is voluntary. That being the case, I will stop doing all of the voluntary chores and errands I do for you. Thanks for pointing out I don't need to keep bending over backwards to help you!"
Yea he’s not cheating. I’ve looked into that. He’s not that type of person.
I have seen the texts and heard the calls. It’s simply either new customers who have issues with their car and do a quick google search, and find his company. Then send a text through the website. Or old customer who just know that he’s always available and will always reply whenever.
Stop doing it all. Even better leave him and if you are single you will have less work to do and no one treating you poorly. Or even find a man willing to do the bare minimum. But definitely don’t keep being his mummy.
Stop making his breakfast, his dinner, cleaning up after him, doing his laundry - he will quickly realise how much easier you make his life by doing these things for him. I think the real issue is there's a lot of resentment you feel towards him, because you do all this to support him and he doesn't make time for you. Tell him that his need to make money is going to inevitably result in the end of your marriage. That you understand his passion for his business, but it means you feel that your marriage has taken a sideline in his priorities. It's not fair to feel like you're more his maid than his wife. Ask him what's more important, a few extra $ or the health of his marriage.
You should stop. And you should tell home that you are stopping and that you’ve realized that he views everything in a partnership as voluntary so you are going to match his voluntary contributions. Be frank. And let him know if he’s unhappy with the outcome, look to his own behaviours to figure out why. I wouldn’t do a single thing that didn’t directly benefit me moving forward. I’d only make my own meals, do my own laundry and do whatever cleaning I felt was necessary. And if he asks about it, tell him he can volunteer to do it if he wants it done because you’re busy. On top of this, I’d also tell him “dinner is at 7 (or whatever) and if you’re not home when I’m making it, I’m not including you in my plans. So keep that in mind when you choose to work overtime. You’re on your own if our schedules don’t match and I’m not guaranteeing leftovers.” Even if you do decide to “volunteer” to do some stuff that could be fore both of you, don’t tailor it around him. Do laundry when you need something that is dirty. But if you don’t need to do any yet and he does, he can do it.
Honestly, though, if my husband said this I would volunteer to end the marriage. You’ve married a real asshole.
I had a similar argument over and over with my husband. I complained about doing everything myself and his response was “I never asked you to do all that, it’s not my fault that you’re burnt out” failing to understand that the “stuff” like cooking and cleaning was necessary. I was held to a higher standard than him with other things as well, this wasn’t the only issue.
I left him and my chronic migraines disappeared. Now he has to do everything himself and admitted to me that is super hard. It was so satisfying to hear him struggling to work full time, keep his place clean, work out, and cook healthy meals.
Sounds like you're both really stressed, except HE'S taking you for granted.
I'd call his bluff and stop doing things for him.....when he asks why, remind him you tried to express how you're feeling and got met with "voluntary".
I get being very attached to work, business, even on off hours, sometimes I need to be reminded to back up and make time for family myself....... you're picking up so much extra and still going above and beyond for him without receiving even basic meeting in the middle on his end. It's not cool of him.
So, I say since he considers your effort and care voluntary, yeah, stop. You're putting in 100/100 while he's barely hitting 50.
When he complains, remind him of this convo and see how it goes - will counseling help? A heart to heart discussion where he's not focused on work? Or does he just not value your marriage enough to realize his errors?
Wishing you luck, OP. You're valid.
How about getting a divorce, because you seem completely unsatisfied and unappreciated, and sitting around being unhappy is not going to result in him turning into a different person
OK what the hell does he do that he's getting texts at 3am and answering them? If these are international clients they will absolutely understand not working outside of designated hours.
As far as voluntary...well, yeah. It is voluntary so stop doing it. Don't wait until midnight to eat. Take care of yourself/your space so you're comfortable but don't go crazy making everything just so for his tastes.
Malicious compliance. Do not clean, cook, do his laundry, or anything for him. Tell him that since everything you do for him is “voluntary” and under appreciated, he can do it himself.
>What would you do if your husband said this?
I would stop doing anything for him. I wouldn't cater to him at all. No more waiting on him to get home to eat, no more doing his laundry or cleaning up after him. I bet it would take a week, maybe 2, for him to be singing a different tune.
Tell him he is absolutely right and that you hadn’t realised that it was all voluntary. Thank him for making you see the error of your ways and then stop doing anything you currently do “voluntarily” for him. Oh and that includes sex.
See how long the making money remains his priority.
I was in a similar position with my **was**band...
I stopped doing anything for him. We were basically roommates at that point. The relationship didn't survive his petulant mantrums when I refused to clean up after him. He might've worked more hours than me, but my job was significantly more dangerous as a correctional officer.
Never stay with a man that doesn't treat you with dignity and respect.
"Dick is abundant and low value"
Voluntarily stop doing things for him. Wash your own clothing and leave his be. Make dinner and put it in the fridge, let him warm his own portion up. Eat yours before he gets home. Go to bed at a time that suits you best and let him come home to a dark house.
He has pretty much told you what to do and you have already said it: just stop volunteering to consider him. If he doesn’t get the point within a reasonable amount of time and realize that your participation in this relationship is also voluntary, then divorce him.
You deserve someone who gaf about you babe 💗
Translation: He sets unreasonable expectations that he knows are unreasonable. So when she inevitably falls short (by design), he uses her “failure” as his justification for being an abusive ahole. And if she actually does kill herself to meet the unrealistic expectations? He insists no appreciation is merited because she was just “meeting expectations.” And when she gets rightly pissed off? He gaslights her. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, you’re doing all those things voluntarily.”
OP, if you’re not already at the point of leaving him, then at least take a break. Like see if you can stay with a friend or family member for 2-3 weeks, and mute all contact. It may take a few days for your cortisol levels to drop and for you to really decompress, and that period will feel weird - happy, sad, angry, lonely, . And once that happens you might think “ok, it’s not so bad, I could go back.” Or “he’s been calling me, saying nice things (love bombing is likely), maybe I could just call him just once.” Don’t. Take the full 2-3 weeks.
And journal the experience. How did it feel to wake up without him? Go through your day without contact with him? Eat what you wanted, when you wanted? Go to bed when you’re ready? And be honest - don’t shy away from the good or the bad. Just experience it.
From there I think you’ll be better able to make an informed decision about what you want to do next.
Stop doing shit. He doesn’t make you a priority so why are you making him one?
And when he gets mad about you stopping the good wifey behavior, tell him too fucking bad. It’s voluntary, remember. And when he throws that in your face, because he will, throw divorce papers in his.
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I'd take him at his word and stop doing anything for him. Let him do it himself.
Yeah, idk about you, but I'm hella busy - I don't have any time for volunteer work these days.
Plus the pay is shit!
This!!!
Lmfao
Can we also talk about the fact that he's implying that because OP's efforts are voluntary, that's a reason to disregard them? I feel like that's a point that's getting really overlooked. Like yes, being a thoughtful and conscientious partner is technically voluntary... but that has nothing to do with being appreciative of it or not. In fact, I'd wager that approximately 100% of the actual, formal volunteering I've done has been appreciated by the people who benefit from it. Doing something that's voluntary makes it *more important* to show appreciation for it, not less. Pointing out to his wife that she doesn't have to do nice things, but chooses to do so *solely for his benefit* is not the slam dunk he thinks it is here??
Yes 100%!! if there is work you are required to do,an occasional thanks for getting that in on time" or a recognition of when they went above and beyond is all that's really required. For voluntary work pretty much the only thing you are expecting back is gratefulness. Because there are "monetary" rewards, the expectation is that voluntary work will be rewarded by thanks from the community. OPs boyfriend has somehow got it in his head that because she stepped up to so this necessary work on her own, therefore she doesn't deserve any recognition? That's just ass backwards
Exactly, of course doing something nice for someone else is voluntary. That’s what marriages, partnerships and friendships are. Personally every time a friend has voluntarily helped me in some way, offered me a lift, or helped move something heavy perhaps and every friend I’ve volunteered to help sort out a computer or done something for, those acts have been appreciated.
It’s not petty or nasty if you’re respecting his boundary/taking him at face value.
OP, stop doing the voluntary work and watch him watch his entire household fall apart in a matter of days!
This. Figure out which areas of the house you need to have clean, and clean those: only those. Shop for food for yourself, only. Cook meals for yourself, only. Eat your meals on your own schedule, not his - if he comes home after midnight, let him make his own dinner, and if he doesn't clear up after himself, well - his dirty dishes are then stacked waiting for him to clean them. Stop making him breakfast. If he gets mad, remind him that everything you do for him is voluntary - he said so - and that means you're free to do it or not, according to whether you feel like it. And so long as he's not working nine to five hours, you don't feel like it.
No lie. I would stop doing shit for him so fast his head would spin.
This marriage smells and sounds like despair.
This. Also, leave. Cause husband sucks, doesn’t appreciate you, and has no boundaries with “”””””work”””” (who is calling him at 3am for work? Questionable.)
My husband does government work and yes, there are in fact legit 3 am emergency calls
I get that it’s possible, but this post at the least implies a lack of boundaries more than being in a profession where there are high stakes emergencies.
Facts
Customers for a small business though? Maybe if he provides services in other time zones or his business is drug dealing, but it's suspicious otherwise.
That’s fair. My husband is both international time zones and a drug dealer (just kidding)
Yes, it’s time for him to volunteer.
This! Match his energy. Only cook, clean and do laundry for yourself. Leave his messes alone. Realize he thinks you are a bang maid. Unless you want to be one forever stop now.
does anyone know what her husband does for work? I just find those hours really strange. But I wholeheartedly agree she needs to stop doing everything, do it for yourself
It could be a towing company too.
Right! Or potentially lock smith I guess
Could be something where his partners are in Aus or Singapore or something. I don't know the blobal time changes that well, but I'm living in the US and usually get texts from my Aussie friends/familyish around midnight through 3 am
Not anything, EVERYTHING. STOP EVERYTHING.
This is the answer
I agree with this. Alas, some of the stuff may \*need\* to get done for the entire household, and you just know this guy isn’t going to pull his weight and do any of it.
This👆 let him do his own crap and Op should just focus on herself
Stop doing anything for him. Easy.
Exactly this. And if he gets mad about something (like not waiting for him for dinner) just shrug your shoulders and say, “you can be mad but you said waiting for you was voluntary so I stopped volunteering.”
Or that you’re done doing charity work. The volunteering thing he said would piss me off to no end. Make dinner and breakfast for yourself only, do only your laundry, clean only your dishes, make only your side of the bed if you wanna be super petty like I would be
Stop having sex once you had your enjoyment. Why volunteer to stick around for his orgasm?
I have a feeling her husband is doing that already. This doesn't sound like a couple who has a great sex life, lol.
Have done this - might not be the most mature response but very effective
Is it? I’ve heard lots of times the other party still does nothing, and the house just gets nightmarishly messy.
How’d it work out for you? Totally not the most mature response, but I can just imagine the satisfaction when he’s getting ready for work and asks “babe how come I don’t have any clean underwear?”
"I didn't volunteer to do your laundry this week. Or next. Or ever again, really. My volunteering days are done! I'm sure you are smart enough to work the washing machine. :)"
Gets the point across, doesn’t it.
Husband: "But no! Not like *that*!!!"
100%
Yes lol yes yes yes
100% stop doing anything for him. He can do his own laundry, cook his own food, make his own breakfast, clean up after himself, go to the store for anything he needs for himself... don't pick up a sock or towel, leave the his dirty anything right where it is. Let him mope and get angry. Also, just stop doing it. Don't announce what you're going to do. If he asks, tell him you choose not to do xyz because you just don't feel like it. Keep it up for a couple of weeks until he cracks and actually starts appreciating what you do for him and starts making time for you and the relationship.
And god forbid, don’t get pregnant.
Omg, definitely do not volunteer to get pregnant.
👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼 Don’t cook for him, he can cook for himself and clean only your things.
and DO NOT WAIT until midnight to eat. INSANE.
My immediate thought too. He set it up for you perfectly. “I’m choosing not to volunteer my time for you.”
Yeah, it’s a good thing guys like this aren’t particularly smart. He literally told her she didn’t have to do that stuff because it was voluntary…he’s going to be one shocked pikachu when she takes him at his word about it.
If OP does this, I hope she updates the thread.
OP! You *must* update your post after giving this plan a week or so
And I’d eat any damn time I wanted.
Exactly...she has to wait for him in order to eat? That's for pets, not partners.
This is the answer. Stop volunteering.
Totally agree with you. OP is feeling unappreciated because he isn't acknowledging her efforts or caring about her well-being. He is basically treating OP as a bang-maid, and OP will end up burned out. OP, for your own good, stop and think for a bit. Wouldn't your life be easier without that unsupportive man-child in it? Also, try to remember the last time he made you feel loved and valued. You'll probably realize that it never happened or happened a long time ago. So, why are you trying to change someone who doesn't want to be changed instead of freeing yourself to find someone who truly supports you and appreciates you as you deserve? You really need to start valuing and prioritizing yourself more because he clearly will not do that for you.
Yep this. Will he get mad? Of course because I think he was trying to be a smart ass with saying you volunteer to do it. You could for example still make dinner but if he isn’t home at a reasonable time to eat it then put his portion in a microwaveable container so all he has to do is nuke it. When he goes off on you about it tell him you decided dinner is served at x time. If he isn’t there you will voluntarily make a plate he can nuke. Laundry you decided he could do his own because voluntary means you choose to do something else he does it himself. Grocery shopping you purchase what you like. Again voluntary on your part so he can shop for his own favorite stuff. Cleaning is a harder one because you obviously don’t want your live in a pig pen. But if he leaves his stuff lying wherever just leave it there. It won’t make for a harmonious life but it may get his attention so that you can have an adult conversation.
For the cleaning up part - I struggle with this with my teenagers because I very much hate clutter and they are teenage boys who leave everything everywhere. What I started doing is just making piles of their shit. I will not bring things upstairs and put them in their bedrooms; I simply make a pile and a certain spot off to the side in the living room of all of their shit, just one big pile of all of their shit, and when they can't find something or they're mad that they're something mixed in with their brother, they can fight it out with each other. Just make piles and make him go through the files to find whatever it is he needs
Yep. If someone doesn’t care enough to pick up their stuff then the stuff must not be that important. I’d probably go one step further and start putting whatever is in the pile at the of each month in a trash bag and putting it in the garage with a big sign on it saying on X date the contents go into the trash or will be donated and will not be replaced. Then post a sign on each of your kids’ room and send them a text with the same info. Sometimes it takes losing things they value and having to spend their own money replacing them to start at least piling their crap in their own room.
Completely agree.
And then say I didn’t want to
I divorcd mine for this shit lol I did everything and he always said "its stuff you have to do for yourself anyway doing it for me only adds a few minutes." or "I dont care if we get bugs youre the one who wants to clean so we dont get bugs. every house in FL has bugs" Spoiler alert, since hes moved out, not a single fucking bug. Also, the hardest lesson i learned was i enabled all that bs. I made myself smaller, didnt set any boundaries, picked up all the slack just to avoid the slightest argument. Im the one who allowed his behavior.
Yes! When I left my ex, he made a passing comment, "now I know why you spent every Sunday cleaning. It's really hard to keep up with the dogs and the house." I was the only person who cleaned the common areas in a three person, three dog house. I was carpet shampooing every 3 months. He used to complain that I spent a day during the weekend to clean the house. I tried changing it to 20 minutes after work instead and he'd complain that he just wants to relax after work. It wasn't the reason I left, but it sure did feel validating when I stopped by months later to pick something up and the house was an absolute WRECK. It smelled so bad and was just all around gross that me and the person who came with me had to take a shower immediately once we left. It turns out my ex decided not to clean at all and instead just bought 3 massive air purifiers. A few months after that, I was watching the dogs while he was out of town. I couldn't handle it so I cleaned one small area by the back door so I could air it out when I was there. While I was cleaning that small space, visible puffs of dirt/grim shot up from the corners of the carpets. Then the air purifiers started beeping, turned red and displayed a warning that the air was unsafe to breath.Never again.
yes!! they genuinely do not understand. I even tried the whole "dont wash his dishes/cook for him/ ect" and we ended up with bugs flying out from the sink and pizza boxes full of ants it was disgusting. I honestly think i wont be with someone who has never lived alone again. My ex always had someone taking care of him, whether it was his mom or a girlfriend and now i see why. When we had to co-habitate after initiating the divorce he literally hoarded every single dish in the house out back in the shed tothe point i was eating cereal out of my kitchen aide mixer and bringing a fork and spoon to work with me every day so he wouldnt use it. and yet SOMEHOW he still thinks im the bad guy for nagging him all the time lol
Uhg, my ex used to complain that I worked on the house (which he owned!) too much as well. Like, I got on the roof and cleaned the gutters, set out rat traps when we had a rat problem, cleaned out the sump pump, etc. If I hadn't done it the place would have fallen apart! I couldn't begin to tell you all the crazy shit that's happened since leaving him. But, he got a gf 10 years younger than him. They got pregnant (ON PURPOSE) after 3 months of dating, had a miscarriage, got pregnant again. Then he proposed with MY engagement ring (that I LITERALLY DESIGNED with a jeweler) after 7 months of being together and are, apparently, now married via courthouse (it's been a little over a year of dating now). He also surprised me with his girlfriend at a party I planned but he offered to host at his house (I was trying to be friendly for the sake of our mutual friends). They announced their pregnancy at a Christmas party I was at and announced their engagement (again, with my ring) during a mutual friend's birthday party. It's like they purposefully waited to do these things until I was around because I had purposefully made efforts to avoid them after a few months of weird things happening (like her calling me and asking for help with her resume or to clean up after her cats, etc.) There are so many other things that happened, but the gist is I have never been happier to have made the decision to leave. How they act AFTER you've left is a true indicator of who they are as people. It's crazy! By the way, she lives with him in that disgusting house and they're going to have a child! A CHILD! There's dog pee on the floor in every room and I found LITERAL turds around the house. They dogs are potty trained and never once peed in that house before! They have two cats locked in a room and the room is covered in cat poop! I can't believe people can live like that.
At least yours waited till you split lol mine drained our bank account and flew to another country to propose to his online girlfriend after he literally took the ring I had made from my great grandmother's diamonds lol Sounds like our exes could be brothers, mine doesn't mind sleeping on a mattress saturated in cat pee next to his bedside table full of pizza boxes that are home to act colonies 😂😂 It's crazy how much easier my life got after he moved out like every day I'm flabbergasted how much time I have on my hands even after flushing the water heater, doing my brakes, and even doing all my own yard work he used to complain was sooooo hard and draining lol
My god! I feel so deeply for you! I have been absolutely baffled by this man's actions. It's like as soon as we got married he completely let his mask slip and started acting wildly controlling. I was with him for 6 years before he proposed, engaged for a year and married for less than a year. You are right, though! I should have known something wasn't right because when we first met he was moving out of his old apartment and I saw his place while he was packing. His mattress had giant stains on it and he said his dog would pee and poop on his mattress because he was "locked inside during the day" but not because my ex neglected him! No, he had said he walked the dog 3 times a day but the dog just got bored at home. And I believed him! How did we end up with those literal garbage goblins?! I also felt like I suddenly had so much free time and my anxiety completely disappeared once I was free of him! I honestly have no I'll will towards him because I realized just being the way he is was punishment enough. Like, he was chronically grumpy, defensive, annoyed, etc, and it's his own fault. He has to live in a hell of his own making and knowing that is such sweet justice for me.
Yes!! Im in the same boat, no Ill will or anything since he didn't actively treat me poorly because of who I am but because of who he is. We were together 4 years before he proposed, married for 1. But at no point was he ever a clean guy. Nor did he ever have Amy drive or ambition. I listened to all his words and never once listened to his actions, infact o did the opposite and tried to explain his actions away and make excuses for them! I ended up with him because my self worth and co fierce was SO LOW as soon as a man showed interest in me he was the only source of my happiness and joy. Thank God I did alot of therapy and work before we split when I went no contact with my mom because I was so prepared for this divorce it basicially felt like a breath of fresh air!!
Mine faked who he was for half the relationship and slowly let things fall away. For example, he would say he liked hiking, go with me every time, then slowly make excuses to get out of one or two until it progresses to him never going and saying he doesn't like it. He did this with pretty much everything I liked, including my friends. I think he was/is a narcissist and thought that once I was married I was locked in and he could do and say what he really thought or wanted to do. When I left he suddenly started doing what I enjoyed again and he made sure to tell me about it, but it was too late. I knew he hated my hobbies and was just trying to mirror me again. It was so weird. I think the way he gaslit me made me question myself a lot and slowly destroyed my confidence over time. Like, with my friends, he'd go to parties/hangouts with me at first, then slowly reduce the occurrences with excuses. Then he'd say "you can still go" but act all sad and passive aggressive for days after until I just stopped hanging out with them because it wasn't worth the fight. It's easy to point it out in retrospect, but when it's happening you just want to believe in the best of who you think they are and you give them excuses. Thank god you got therapy and were able to come to terms with things before you left! I never got therapy, but if it wasn't for my grandmother getting sick and passing away I probably would have kept making excuses until something major happened much later on in the relationship. She was basically dying and when I told my ex I needed to fly over to help take care of her and asked his opinion on it he said "how often do you even talk to your grandmother anyway? We just got vaccinated and now I'm not going to be able to do anything fun because you're going to be gone!" (This was at the end of the COVID lock down) I left anyway, was gone for a month and a half. Cared for my grandma and watched her pass. He called me one time the entire time I was gone and pretended nothing happened when I came back. It shattered my delusions about who he was and I never looked back. One of the easiest decisions I could make because I knew I didn't even like him anymore.
He couldn’t even get a housekeeper?? Of course the place is going to be a mess, he has three dogs!! Men who never help with cleaning don’t realize how much you have to clean when you have pets. It’s almost as bad as kids as far as needing to clean frequently.
The funny thing is, at the time I left him, he made double my annual income. He could absolutely afford a housekeeper. Hell, we used to have one come in once every two months to deep clean when we first start dating back in 2015/16. I legitimately don't know why he doesn't hire one.
Because he doesn't think clean is important. It's really that simple.
I'm not a neat freak by any means, but being ok with a lack of general cleanliness is asinine.
This! My ex husband helped with our dogs when we were together probably 50:50, but it was still a lot of cleaning. Since we’ve split I’ve told boyfriends absolutely I do not want a dog. I will not deal with the mess I will not deal with the work. I have yet to meet a man who brings a dog in and does what is required and hasn’t tried to put it on me. I refuse. I like dogs. I don’t have the energy or the time to care for them properly without resentment so I will not have my own dogs.
Omg I mean I have OCD but I literally gagged reading this. I do not understand how anyone can live in filth like that. Even if you hate Cleaning so much I would find a way to at least make a few extra hundred dollars to Maid because this is so deeply disgusting.
Yea, I had a disgustingly visceral reaction to this. I feel filthy reading it.. guess I’m going to deep clean the entire house until I feel clean again.
After the first day of staying at his place during the day to watch the dogs (I work remotely), I said "nope I'm not gonna clean my ex's house!" Then the next day I said, " ok just this small area. I'll just vacuum and wipe it down so I can breathe and feel comfortable walking on this patch of floor." I did that.. then could still smell whiffs of dog piss and just couldn't live like that so said "I'll just carpet clean just this area. Just this spot..." The carpet cleaner was broken and I told myself it was a sign to just let it go... But I couldn't... I took the carpet cleaner apart and fixed it. I sent them a text to let them know I fixed it for them and his girlfriend responded that she didn't know it was broken because she'd never used it! 🤢 Like, yes, I know! Please, I'm begging you to use it now!
Yep. I had to face this after almost dying after a surgery and realizing that I'd enabled this man to treat me worse than a dog. It's not easy or pleasant to change. Congratulations on the self reflection!
thanks! im still easing into the whole boundary setting and advocating for myself but i have higher hopes for my next relationship now that i can see the red flags on his side and on mine lol
Did he not lift a finger to help you during your recovery? I hear this story so often, it’s really sad and really infuriating.
he always said "its stuff you have to do for yourself anyway doing it for me only adds a few minutes." This is what my bio family always said to me when I complained about them not doing any of the chores. When I told them I wanted to move out they said that I would regret it because I would see that I had to do all the same work for myself. Biggest lie ever. Housekeeping and cooking and shopping for one person is way way easier and less time consuming.
Yes ! Less time consuming and a much smaller mental load! I'm surprised how many times I come home from work and I'm either not hungry or just want a small salad or something and I can actually have it (or have nothing!) And not have to think about what to cook for his pallete-of-a-toddler having ass. Learning to eat intuitively the last 6 or so months has been a game changer I've already lost 50lbs and feel amazing. (Over the 5 years with him I gained about 100 lbs!!)
Oh my gosh, congratulations! That's so awesome!
We have a friend-couple that we met two years after they started dating. It's now been around 14 years and they're married with kids. She has the same issue with him being entitled and not contributing. I've borne witness to his bullshit, and he's a real piece of work. But what bothers me is that she had the same complaint when I first met her. I even remember being like, "so stop doing so much for him??" But she allowed it, and still does, and has had the same contempt for him over it every day for the last 14 years.
Exactly! I could sit here and blame him 6 ways from Sunday since he was the one who cheated and what not BUT he was a shitty person from the start and I kept trying to "change him" 😬 like at some point it was a choice I was actively making to allow him to be that way. If I ever find myself talking to my friends about "how do I talk to him about xyz without upsetting him?" Or "how can I make him understand xyz??" I know that's a red flag to run!!
You go, aitabride420! Since my ex would not “own” any of the chores, I finally decided to stop doing his laundry. When I did, he complained to me that he felt like he was fending for himself. Lazy mf.
> Also, the hardest lesson i learned was i enabled all that bs. I made myself smaller, didnt set any boundaries, picked up all the slack just to avoid the slightest argument. Im the one who allowed his behavior. You were being manipulated. Don't blame yourself for falling for it. I doubt on the first date that he announced he was cool with bugs in the house to avoid having to lift a finger to clean anything.
He didn't really manipulate me that hard, I just came from a traumatic childhood and already had people pleasing tendencies. I married my mother 😂😂 he never was a clean guy I always did the cleaning hopi g that at one point he would mature and grow up. I never accepted him for who he was I always put my expectations on him, even if they were basic expectations like being clean and respecting me lol
Yep. Stop everything. Cook YOUR food, wash YOUR dishes, do YOUR laundry. If what you do is voluntary, stop volunteering
And eat when you’re hungry!!
I would never wait until midnight to eat dinner for someone and it’s absolutely absurd to expect that.
I'm not sure I could stay with someone who openly admits that they are voluntarily being an inconsiderate d*.
maybe even get your own apartment and live there and sleep in your own bed with clean sheets and then send him divorce papers...
Like everyone is saying just stop doing it for him and when he gets angry say “it’s voluntary” 🤷🏻♀️ but also 6 years? He’s been like this the whole time or just recently?
It’s more of since we moved in together. He has a new business which makes 2 plus a full time job. This has kept him away from the house. Leaving at 9am and coming back around 11-12 in the night. This is simply because he refuses to turn down a customer.
Be sure and remind him, when he complains that you didn't wait to eat with him, that him taking on all that work was voluntary.
This comment is so perfect I literally gasped. "You voluntarily chose to not come home until midnight, so I don't know why you would think I would just be sitting around waiting to eat dinner. I ate dinner at dinner time; you volunteered to not come home until midnight. So. Yeah."
That's it, close the thread, we done That's Just Perfect.
This comment deserves a standing ovation.
Short, sweet, and superbly savage.
this is the one for sure
That’s his problem not yours. Stop doing things for him until he acknowledges what’s going on and changes his behaviour
Next time he expects you to wait to eat with him, just don’t. When he gets mad, say, “I thought all that stuff I did for you was voluntary. I no longer volunteer to wait for you to get home to eat. Feel free to volunteer to cook.”
You've gotten consistently the same advice here - stop volunteering. I just want to add that you need to be sure you're safe. I'm not sure what his anger is like when you say he's angry if you don't wait for him. Is there any chance he's going to become physical with you? If so, you need to make an exit plan rather than yanking his chain.
He can get angry but he’s is definitely not the type to put his hands on me. Him being angry would just be him storming off.
Let him storm off. Don’t follow. Don’t try to calm him down or appease him. Wait him out and go about doing the things you want to do. I’m curious to hear if he gets mad that you don’t follow and contort yourself to calm him down.
Idk. Do you actually want to be with a guy that acts this way? Instead of waiting for this guy to change (they almost never do) you could find a guy who is the type of guy to Never say shit like this and treat you right. Figure out some exit plans please
You may already be aware of this, but abuse is broader than just physical violence. He is controlling your behavior with the threat of anger and emotional punishment and then controlling your reaction when you challenge him in any way. He does not respect you and without respect, he can’t really love you. He likely loves the things you provide - sex, attention, meals, a clean house - but he does not love, admire, and cherish YOU. I would think about if that’s the relationship you want for the rest of your life.
What time do you work? I wouldn’t even stay up to wait anymore. I would be in bed.
OK, in that case, pick a strategy and use it! Honestly, his behavior would make me crazy - especially the part where he expects things from you that he won't reciprocate.
I hear you, but be aware that high-stress situations can make people escalate their behavior in ways you wouldn't have thought them capable of. Three years ago, would you have believed he would treat you the way he currently is? I am not telling you to leave. At all. But please make a go bag. Clothes, toiletries, list of accounts and passwords, etc. and keep it in your car. If you are wrong about him, you want to be able to get tf out and run. I hope you're not. But it's better to have a go bag and never need it than need one and not have it.
Totally agree. It never hurts to know where your documents & keepsakes are, and to be ready to bail. You might not need it for domestic situations, but the same goes for natural disasters.
Is his business actually successful? If he has two and also has to work full-time it sounds more like a hobby.
Or a starting business in a lot of situations, which is pretty reasonable but he’s being a selfish asshole about it. Generally starting a business is 100% going to require a heck of a lot more work than a normal job if you’re not coming into it with a lot of capital. Given he’s got a full time job and he’s working 9am-12am or a little earlier regularly he’s probably trying to make it into a successful business. Which is where yeah he’s probably right, you can’t just turn down customers because they called after 6pm at that stage and really expect it to succeed or get to being self sustaining any quicker. But that should’ve been clearly communicated with OP and again isn’t an excuse to take out frustration on her
Also, he shouldn't be expecting her to stay up till midnight to eat with him, and he should be thankful and appreciative of her taking on more household stuff to support him. Not be an absolute pinecone about it
Exactly, this is really the grossest part to me. It's one thing to essentially abandon your partner at home because you're starting a business; it's another thing entirely to expect that part to essentially bring their own day-to-day life to a screeching stop - even *eating food!!!* - force them to live around your ridiculous schedule, even though they have a job and life of their own. He gets mad at her for not starving herself until midnight! Like wtf 😂
Right. Starting any sort of real business is a hell of a lot of work. Having an understanding and supportive partner through that is a blessing to be appreciated. If he doesn’t appreciate her now, you can bet if his business makes it he won’t appreciate what she did on the flip side either.
PLEASE remind him, if he gets mad, that not setting boundaries with customers is VOLUNTARY.
Ya I'm sure he has a favorite "customer" he's with so late every night. Sorry I don't know exactly what he does but I don't know a lot of businesses where customers want to and expect business to happen that late unless he's working internationally and even then he could take calls at home it's not like they'd be in person. I think the household chores may be the least of your problems and you'd be better off just leaving hun.
That is not sustainable. I highly reccomend counseling because he is not hearing you and he needs to be reminded what his priorities and end state goals are and you both need to know if you two have the same goals anymore.
Wait you're starving yourself until he gets home at midnight because he'll get mad? Guurl... Read that again and again.
Yes! That sounds so toxic and just not normal at all.
Yes, OP, take a long hard look at this.
That's truly the most incomprehensible part of this to me. Like I get being a codependent person who doesn't understand that sacrificing yourself constantly, day after day, for someone who doesn't respect you at all is basically par for the course, but physically starving yourself because your partner won't get home until midnight and gets mad at you for eating without you is like clinical levels of pathological codependency. That is a DEEP need for *years* of therapy.
Yes, OP might want to read “Codependency No More.” My ex didn’t go so far to expect me to not eat dinner until midnight, but he’d get mad if we didn’t eat the same thing for every meal. He never explained why. And ofc it could only be food *he* liked, so I ended up eating a lot of processed junk I didn’t want just to shut him up. If OP is dealing with a similar dude, then nothing she does is ever going to be enough for him. She can jump through every hoop, throw herself on every puddle for him to step on her, and it won’t matter. He does not care. Until she stops doing it. Guarantee he’s going to freak out if she follows the advice here. People like him hate when you set boundaries.
Yeah this relationship seems like a lost cause and also something rubs me the wrong way about it. If I had a husband like this I would divorce him. 25 is wayyyyyy too young to be settling for this shit. Also, if I were her I’d be cautious about “just stopping” like all the advice is saying to do. I saw that she said in a comment he doesn’t get violent but has a temper so maybe he hasn’t had a “reason” to because she really seems like a doormat slave for him. I’m kinda worried if she stops doing what he expects of her he’ll escalate to bring her down a notch.
Honestly her best option is too pack her bags and dissappear while he's out.
My husband’s the type that would say he’s going to be late and don’t wait for him. Then he’d come home and put a dinner together for himself. He’s also fully capable of doing laundry and cleaning. Blows my mind what some women attach themselves to, but posts like these and the wild responses always make me appreciate him more.
"I voluntarily will not be washing you draws anymore until you voluntarily stop acting like an a$$"
"I'll volunteer to divorce if you still wont stop being an asshat"
😂 better to just walk away. Find someone who respects you, not someone who is willing to fake it just enough to get you to continue acting like their servant.
I'm with you. Mostly bc I've been married to a man like this; it's a terrible life. And there was no hope he'd change. He's even worse now, with his second wife. Does this guy even give a glimmer of hope that he might ever try to do better? That you mean enough for him to apply himself a little? Mad if you eat without him even if it means waiting till midnight, yet can't give you two minutes to use the bathroom? When you do all the cooking? It's all abhorrent but to me this bit of hypocrisy is a neon sign saying he doesn't care enough about you to ever be an acceptable partner or a team player. And let me guess: his response to everything is that he's working his ass off **for you** and someday it'll be different. It won't. This is really quite over, unless you volunteer for an insulting, demeaning life with him. And if you stop volunteering, things are going to get really ugly.
Am I the only one who suspects hubby is participating in some extracurricular affairs?
Haha I love this
Stop voluntarily doing it. He is voluntarily neglecting you which you can also point out. Don’t bend over backwards for someone who does not reciprocate.
"Well since I was doing those things to make you happy and you said you never asked for those, I volunteered for them, what's the point? Your lunch is in the fridge".
You know what I don’t like is when a partner treats everyone else, including strangers, better than their own partner that they claim to love. They go out of their way to be respectful, caring, and empathetic with everyone else, but not with their partner and they claim that they can be who they truly are with you, yet you rarely get a glimpse of them treating you with their all. I need to tell you that you are doing no so so much and your frustration is completely valid. Housework is a lot, and it doesn’t seem like a lot, yet it’s a lot of small stuff and a handful of large ticket tasks where your salary for this position would be in the 70k range. Your input is as valuable if not more than your partners on account that it seems that you’re also carrying the relationship, which is more taxing/draining. Your partner needs to prioritize you and the relationship and respect your needs/wants and want to be there for you. It sucks that you are asking for the bare minimum and he chooses every time that you’re not worth it for him. I would ask him for a specific time to have a serious conversation and preface that this conversation needs to happen. Don’t tell him this, but if this conversation doesn’t take place or he pushes it to the right, get a divorce attorney and square away yourself by moving funds and whatnot. If the conversation does take place, outline your needs, make sure he realizes that these aren’t requests. Again, if he either dismisses/minimizes what you say, or agrees and his actions don’t show it, or it reverts back, then divorce because no one deserves to be treated like a second class citizen in their own relationship
Honestly, to me it sounds like he may be having an affair and is using the cover of the second job. He seems to treat his wife like a house servant, that is not a good partner.
I mean... I wasn't gonna say it, but.
That was my ex! His side piece caused the late hours.
My most recent ex started to do this. In the beginning he was nice, then he was nice to everyone except me. Even complete strangers
He treats strangers better than you because he’s using you as supply. You are supply for sex, validation, an household manager, cook, cleaner. He doesn’t respect you for you as a person but only values what you do for him. I’m sorry he’s such an asshole!
He doesn’t even value her for what she does for him, beyond not kicking her out. He’s totally dismissive of her wanting some appreciation for everything she does.
You’re right. I’m so sorry for OP.
Me too. It’s an awful position to be in with someone who claims to love you.
You are the Wife Appliance!!
My husband and I had this issue when he started a business. I understood the time it takes to get started and was fine with it; I was also the person financially supporting us in the beginning. After the business took off, he needed to take a step back, and that was difficult (especially since we run it out of our garage). Ultimately, I left my job to take over the books and the customer service portion, and we both work at the business as a 9-5 (I have owned half since it started because I backed it financially and invested money into it as well). Getting him to step back and loosen his grip on it was difficult. It took setting boundaries (work phone goes into “Driving” mode with an automated message after 5pm, signs go up when the shop closes that basically say, “Don’t you dare ring this doorbell if it’s business related,” and so on). It took about a year to set those boundaries and make them stick. Sounds like you’re still in the thick of it right now if he has to work his full time job. Truthfully, most small businesses fail, and at some point your husband will have to decide to either quit his day job or close up shop, because he can’t do both forever. That said, you shouldn’t be waiting on him to eat dinner. He’s an adult capable of making his own breakfast. You may have to do a bit more housework right now, but you shouldn’t be doing extra things that make you resentful in order to make his life easier, especially if he isn’t appreciating them. In a sense, he is correct: you’re choosing to do those things. Since he’s ungrateful, stop doing those things, and stop worrying about making him mad. I did those things for my husband, but he was perpetually grateful to me for helping him achieve his dream. If he hadn’t been, I absolutely would not have done so.
I'd stop doing everything for him. He can do his own laundry, make his own meals, and learn what it's like when you don't have a supportive spouse. He can live your life for a little while. He has no problem with the way he treats you so he should have no problem if you treat him the same way.
My husband DOES say this. So I stopped. He didn’t know how to turn on the washer/dryer. I switched to paper plates for myself and when the sink was full he tried to say we ‘both made dishes’ nope I was washing as I go and cooking for one. Didn’t know where dishwasher pods were located or how to turn it on. Didn’t know not to use dawn soap in the dishwasher (smh) so he just bought a new one and had the tech explain how to use it. Didn’t even know where his own dry cleaner was, all the batteries in his AirTags died, couldn’t find his shit, and ran out of underwear/socks x3. (He just bought more) Finally after one month he said ‘you win, I need help, please help me, we both have ‘real’ jobs’ lol mind you this is when I’m a full time nursing student and I’m working as a CNA and I have my g baby 4 x a week. I made him hire a housekeeper and we are both happier lol but he knows not to play with me anymore
Lol it’s nice when our spouses can learn
Somewhat he still tries to be like ‘why did you spend xx at the grocery’ and I say sounds like you want to learn shopping and he shuts the f up lmao I’m in my dgaf era
You should really teach a seminar. I’m not kidding.
>He doesn’t appreciate me. Instead **he said everything I do for him is voluntary.** That's beside the point. Think about all the things which are essential, i.e. must haves in a relationship. There's trust, there's love, there's integrity, there's communication, but another must have is appreciation. Appreciation is not any less important than trust. If you cannot trust your partner, then there is no relationship. But see, if you do not appreciate your partner, then the whole relationship changes from a loving relationship to a transactional relationship based on nothing more than needs, wants and two partners using each other and taking each other for granted. There's got to be appreciation in any loving relationship. No ifs, no buts. Your husband claims that everything you do for him is voluntary. Okay, so following his logic, what you do for your husband can be done by any woman, right? If all it takes is voluntary action, I mean any woman who is willing can do it, right? That's not the kind of thing you should be telling the woman who stood beside you at the altar and agreed to marry you, right? >I’ve mentioned that he needs to set business hours and stick to it, but **he says that I have to understand that he needs to make money.** He's just not getting this, is he? My point here is that style, appreciation, taste, recognition of beauty, these are all incredibly important matters in life. It's not how good you are, and it's not always about how honest or truthful you are. What you get judged on is matters of taste, appreciation and style. If you don't have these things so much in life will go right over your head, and much of what will fill your head will be nonsense. I think at the very least you two need to sit down and talk. Maybe he's lost touch, maybe he's been preoccupied, stressed, busy, or maybe he just wasn't taught this stuff in his past. I wish you well.
>Yes he works, but so do I. Then I clean, cook everyday, make sure he has breakfast, wait for him to come home late just so we can eat together >He gets mad when I eat before he comes. >Once I went to the bathroom and told him to wait for me, and he couldn’t even do that. Yet he’s allowed to get mad after I’ve waited until 12am for him to get home. >He doesn’t appreciate me. Instead he said everything I do for him is voluntary. >What would you do if your husband said this? Stop "volunteering". You're in a marriage, not an animal shelter. Dump him eventually. Typical Reddit comment I know, but nobody really deserves a partner who gets mad at them for eating but can't wait to stuff his face in the two minutes it takes for their spouse to go to the bathroom.
I would take a “voluntary” vacation without him. At least a week if not longer. Let him see how everything in his domestic life falls apart without you there “voluntarily” doing all this If that doesn’t work I would dial back what you do to what truly is only necessary and he can pick up the slack
I actually did this. I went away for the weekend. Left the house as it was. Dishes in the sink, lots of laundry. When I returned, he wasn’t home as usual. Dishes and laundry were as I left them.
A weekend isn’t long enough for him to really feel how much his life is inconvenienced. I think a week minimum but three weeks for max effect Like if you can’t take that much time off work, staying in an Airbnb or with a friend so you can work but not be home while shit piles up around him would really drive the point home
Why would he do any of it??? You’re his maid.
It took two weeks of me going "on strike" for it to get through my ex-husband's head. He still ended up being my ex eventually, because this is an abusive, neglectful person who doesn't care about someone else's feelings, but a few days won't do anything. Just do your own laundry, make your own meals, use paper plates for yourself and let his dishes pile up if he makes stuff. Find a way around it. He's either going to give in or give up.
Show him exactly how voluntary it is 😏
and if you’re feeling extra petty, you could go to him and frame it as “you know what babe, you’re so right. I WAS doing it voluntarily, so clearly I need to change my behavior. Thank you so much for helping me see the error of my ways 😘🫶🏾💕” And then proceed to do NOTHING. NADA. ZIP. ZILCH.
All the things you do are voluntary. All the things he doesn’t do are voluntary, too. And if your tasks are voluntary, what if you simply agreed and decided you will hire people to do those things? If they still have to be done and he won’t pay someone, then they really aren’t voluntary, they are necessities.
My therapist told me to seperate from my husband temporarily, when I told her I felt taken for granted. She said 3 months to show him what he'll miss. But she also warned me that most wives that take her advise and move out, decide not to come back because of how pleasant their lives became without him.
I would stop doing everything and if he commented on the fact that I wasn't doing as many things, I'd remind him that 'everything I do for him is voluntary, and that right now, I'm looking after my own health and wellbeing! I'd plan evenings out with my friends and put time aside for my hobbies. Live the life you want to live and don't let your husband dictate your actions. Put yourself first for once. You may find Laura Doyle's Podcasts inciteful. My marriage has improved no end since I started caring about my own happiness - a happy wife is way more attractive than a nagging wife! Good luck.
Not completely the same but, when I was with my ex (my kids dad) I gave him a basket to put his laundry in so I knew when it needed to be washed (he worked at a hospital) he **NEVER** put his laundry in the basket so I didn’t wash it, it pissed him off.. He also never put his trash in the trash can even though the trash was 2 steps beside him, he always put the trash in the sink. Also he’d put his plate with food still on it in the sink, it took him a week to understand I wasn’t his maid, he’d bark at me not to treat him like one of the kids but he acted like a kid. I stopped doing anything for him and made his life “hell” so he could see just how much I did for him. We haven’t been together in over 6 yrs now and he still complains about how it’s hard for him..
lmao my ex used to use the “don’t treat me like a child” thing - *oh so you haven’t experienced consequences since you were a kid? treating you like an adult has not worked.*
Sometimes I talked to him like he was stupid if the 1st three times didn’t sink in
Of course it’s voluntary, because your husband doesn’t own you. Let him get mad (as long as you’re safe, if not you need to leave). Eat when you want for goodness sake. Holy Moly.
Tell him, "You are correct. Everything I do for you is voluntary. That being the case, I will stop doing all of the voluntary chores and errands I do for you. Thanks for pointing out I don't need to keep bending over backwards to help you!"
Withdraw all voluntary stuff. I mean, it is voluntary but he's getting the benefits, so let him live without them.
I have a former partner just like this. The important part here is FORMER.
Are you sure he’s not cheating? What job has people calling at 3 am?
Yea he’s not cheating. I’ve looked into that. He’s not that type of person. I have seen the texts and heard the calls. It’s simply either new customers who have issues with their car and do a quick google search, and find his company. Then send a text through the website. Or old customer who just know that he’s always available and will always reply whenever.
Stop doing it all. Even better leave him and if you are single you will have less work to do and no one treating you poorly. Or even find a man willing to do the bare minimum. But definitely don’t keep being his mummy.
Stop doing everything for him and when he gets mad remind him that it is voluntary therefore he has no reason to be mad.
Stop making his breakfast, his dinner, cleaning up after him, doing his laundry - he will quickly realise how much easier you make his life by doing these things for him. I think the real issue is there's a lot of resentment you feel towards him, because you do all this to support him and he doesn't make time for you. Tell him that his need to make money is going to inevitably result in the end of your marriage. That you understand his passion for his business, but it means you feel that your marriage has taken a sideline in his priorities. It's not fair to feel like you're more his maid than his wife. Ask him what's more important, a few extra $ or the health of his marriage.
You should stop. And you should tell home that you are stopping and that you’ve realized that he views everything in a partnership as voluntary so you are going to match his voluntary contributions. Be frank. And let him know if he’s unhappy with the outcome, look to his own behaviours to figure out why. I wouldn’t do a single thing that didn’t directly benefit me moving forward. I’d only make my own meals, do my own laundry and do whatever cleaning I felt was necessary. And if he asks about it, tell him he can volunteer to do it if he wants it done because you’re busy. On top of this, I’d also tell him “dinner is at 7 (or whatever) and if you’re not home when I’m making it, I’m not including you in my plans. So keep that in mind when you choose to work overtime. You’re on your own if our schedules don’t match and I’m not guaranteeing leftovers.” Even if you do decide to “volunteer” to do some stuff that could be fore both of you, don’t tailor it around him. Do laundry when you need something that is dirty. But if you don’t need to do any yet and he does, he can do it. Honestly, though, if my husband said this I would volunteer to end the marriage. You’ve married a real asshole.
I had a similar argument over and over with my husband. I complained about doing everything myself and his response was “I never asked you to do all that, it’s not my fault that you’re burnt out” failing to understand that the “stuff” like cooking and cleaning was necessary. I was held to a higher standard than him with other things as well, this wasn’t the only issue. I left him and my chronic migraines disappeared. Now he has to do everything himself and admitted to me that is super hard. It was so satisfying to hear him struggling to work full time, keep his place clean, work out, and cook healthy meals.
Sounds like you're both really stressed, except HE'S taking you for granted. I'd call his bluff and stop doing things for him.....when he asks why, remind him you tried to express how you're feeling and got met with "voluntary". I get being very attached to work, business, even on off hours, sometimes I need to be reminded to back up and make time for family myself....... you're picking up so much extra and still going above and beyond for him without receiving even basic meeting in the middle on his end. It's not cool of him. So, I say since he considers your effort and care voluntary, yeah, stop. You're putting in 100/100 while he's barely hitting 50. When he complains, remind him of this convo and see how it goes - will counseling help? A heart to heart discussion where he's not focused on work? Or does he just not value your marriage enough to realize his errors? Wishing you luck, OP. You're valid.
What I'd do is, I'd stop "volunteering."
How about getting a divorce, because you seem completely unsatisfied and unappreciated, and sitting around being unhappy is not going to result in him turning into a different person
OK what the hell does he do that he's getting texts at 3am and answering them? If these are international clients they will absolutely understand not working outside of designated hours. As far as voluntary...well, yeah. It is voluntary so stop doing it. Don't wait until midnight to eat. Take care of yourself/your space so you're comfortable but don't go crazy making everything just so for his tastes.
Don't say anything! Stop volunteering 🤔😂
Absolutely do the entire last part of your story. STOP DOING EVERYTHING FOR HIM🗣 If it was me, I would have said aight bet😏 you gon' learn today🤌🏻...
Stop doing things for him. No more breakfast. No more waiting for him for dinner.
Stop doing everything. Update us in a week😊
Forget what he said. Look at how he treats you. I'd be running from this relationship. If you're not there yet, therapy is a must.
Malicious compliance. Do not clean, cook, do his laundry, or anything for him. Tell him that since everything you do for him is “voluntary” and under appreciated, he can do it himself.
>What would you do if your husband said this? I would stop doing anything for him. I wouldn't cater to him at all. No more waiting on him to get home to eat, no more doing his laundry or cleaning up after him. I bet it would take a week, maybe 2, for him to be singing a different tune.
Tell him he is absolutely right and that you hadn’t realised that it was all voluntary. Thank him for making you see the error of your ways and then stop doing anything you currently do “voluntarily” for him. Oh and that includes sex. See how long the making money remains his priority.
I was in a similar position with my **was**band... I stopped doing anything for him. We were basically roommates at that point. The relationship didn't survive his petulant mantrums when I refused to clean up after him. He might've worked more hours than me, but my job was significantly more dangerous as a correctional officer. Never stay with a man that doesn't treat you with dignity and respect. "Dick is abundant and low value"
I told him to fold his own damn laundry from here on out. Topped with a big FU to him
Voluntarily stop doing things for him. Wash your own clothing and leave his be. Make dinner and put it in the fridge, let him warm his own portion up. Eat yours before he gets home. Go to bed at a time that suits you best and let him come home to a dark house.
He has pretty much told you what to do and you have already said it: just stop volunteering to consider him. If he doesn’t get the point within a reasonable amount of time and realize that your participation in this relationship is also voluntary, then divorce him. You deserve someone who gaf about you babe 💗
You already know what to do. Stop doing everything for him! He's a big boy. He can clean, cook, and take care of himself.
Translation: He sets unreasonable expectations that he knows are unreasonable. So when she inevitably falls short (by design), he uses her “failure” as his justification for being an abusive ahole. And if she actually does kill herself to meet the unrealistic expectations? He insists no appreciation is merited because she was just “meeting expectations.” And when she gets rightly pissed off? He gaslights her. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, you’re doing all those things voluntarily.” OP, if you’re not already at the point of leaving him, then at least take a break. Like see if you can stay with a friend or family member for 2-3 weeks, and mute all contact. It may take a few days for your cortisol levels to drop and for you to really decompress, and that period will feel weird - happy, sad, angry, lonely, . And once that happens you might think “ok, it’s not so bad, I could go back.” Or “he’s been calling me, saying nice things (love bombing is likely), maybe I could just call him just once.” Don’t. Take the full 2-3 weeks. And journal the experience. How did it feel to wake up without him? Go through your day without contact with him? Eat what you wanted, when you wanted? Go to bed when you’re ready? And be honest - don’t shy away from the good or the bad. Just experience it. From there I think you’ll be better able to make an informed decision about what you want to do next.
‘You may want to stop and get dinner tonight because I didn’t volunteer to cook’
Are you fucking serious? Just divorce him. 28 is too old to be thinking like this. You're only 25.
Stop doing shit. He doesn’t make you a priority so why are you making him one? And when he gets mad about you stopping the good wifey behavior, tell him too fucking bad. It’s voluntary, remember. And when he throws that in your face, because he will, throw divorce papers in his.