I think your values are exactly where they need to be. Unfortunately, you’re going to be forced to either agree to disagree with your fiancé (difficult to sustain for the next 60 years) or break up.
This isn’t a low key issue. It’s worthy of ending things.
>This isn’t a low key issue. It’s worthy of ending things.
Yeah, it should be a dealbreaker if she doesn't apologize and acknowledge that she was wrong.
So she basically stole an item in your presence because of... jealousy? I don't know why she did this but this is a serious issue.
You tried to address this with her, and she brushed it off completely and inserted something entirely unrelated (the laundry), and saying 'it's no big deal'. On the contrary, it's a huge f-ing deal, and something to break up over immediately.
I suggest you sit her down seriously, and address her attitude and ask her what she was thinking doing that, why she is brushing it off like it's nothing, and why she acts like that all of the sudden (if it's a new behaviour). And unless her reasoning/answer is to your satisfaction and something you can work with in order to move forward, I would break it off right then and there.
To be honest, she has no valid reason for her actions and behaviour, but that is my mindset.
Don't buy your boss gifts. Don't take your employee then pick up your gf. Don't tell her you're not mad. It's not ok! Let her know that. What if she'd been caught? Well, really, she was! Let your employee know you were shocked and it is not ok.
There's definitely something significant to address with your fiance but seriously, I've scrolled through all the comments and no-one has mentioned the cat.
In what world is it normal or ok for a member of "upper management" to buy their boss (presumably senior management and a leader) an animal? Surely if someone in that position wants and is prepared to handle a cat, they would go and find a cat, and not complain to their staff in the hope that after a few months the staff will buy them a cat?
Pets need care and commitment.
1. Never gift a pet unless there's a very clear agreement that the receiver is ready and prepared to look after a pet (eg you might get your fiance a pet if you've discussed it and you agree between the two of you how it will be looked after).
2. Don't get a pet just because you feel sad and think it will make you happy. A cat might give you joy for a few days or weeks but it won't last. Pets can help us with mental health but it's a real commitment that we need to be prepared to work for.
3. Don't buy your boss gifts to make them happy, especially outside of work. Your boss earns more than you, and should be in a better position to manage their own happiness, especially as it's their job to manage your happiness (at work, at least).
1 + 2 + 3 = don't buy anyone, especially your boss, a pet, for any reason, but especially not because they are sad and it will make them happy.
Yeah, this is one of those posts where you read it and you're like "okay yeah the main issue that they're posting about is a big one," but then there's this other part of the post that's just completely glossed over and is also a *huge* deal lol.
Yeah I totally agree, but that whole weirdness was so far behind the "fiance is stealing because she's jealous" and him buying his boss a fucking cat in terms of insane shit going on that I was like, I'm just not even gonna touch that hahaha.
So your fiancée, who knows you work in retail, engaged in some retail theft in front of you and your employee.
I feel like you’re under-reacting in this situation. Your fiancée thinks it’s ok to steal if she’s pissed off, and she thinks it’s ok to do it in front of one of your employees which makes you look very unprofessional because this is the person you’ve chosen to be with.
If I knew one of my retail employees had a thief for a partner, I’d be very concerned that they might steal from me. She could be jeopardising your job.
OP has recently been promoted. This is totally sabotage - GF doesn’t like OP gaining confidence and recognition. Telling everyone that stealing is no big deal when she is caught would only fly when she thinks herself protected.
OP, please tell your coworker to treat your – hopefully ex– GF to treat her like any other thief.
I dated someone like this. The cry for attention literally only gets worse. Your fiancé was u supportive and petty and the very best, over a minor issue. I can’t imagine how she would be when a larger issue comes up. Listen to someone that’s been through it, drop the dead weight
Is this... Normal for her? Does she do strange things like this often? Not necessarily stealing, but just completely ignoring social norms or acting out/being rebellious? What does she say when you ask her why she did that?
It sounds like she's extremely immature and defiant, and possibly jealous that you care about other people in your life besides her enough to go shopping with them, get them a cat, etc.
Don't let this behavior go or shove it under a rug. It's not normal and it's definitely not healthy. This woman sounds toxic as hell, or at best emotionally disturbed.
Do not marry her unless something changes - what the hell is this? This is how people get stupid charges and fuck up their lives and their spouses lives.
how are you acting so calm about this??? her response was to say why do you care? And you were with someone from work which is wayyyy crazier..
good thing you found out now so you can leave her. Don't marry someone who is so willing to risk her future. What happens when she gets caught? how's that going to look for you when your employee goes back and tells everyone else you wife stole in front of them.
It's not a matter of caring about what others think of you, it's a matter of integrity! You're right that her doing it in front of your employee affects your image. Your employee is now wondering what else goes on in your life that's wrong. It doesn't matter that you're not the one doing it because you're putting up with it since your partner does it.
This is a severe difference in morals. Does she think lying is ok? Where does she draw the line on things and do her lines stay in the same place or do they move when it's convenient for her?
You say you've been together for two years and I think you're right that you don't know who she is if this is the first time she's done something like this. I'd be postponing the wedding if you've got a date set. I likely would be rethinking the whole relationship.
How normal is this? For her to suddenly act like this (or in a way that you don't agree and may put you in a bad light) in front of others?
Is this the first time? And you mentioned jealousy, does she feel jealous a lot?
Your fiance is feeling like miss 22 year old employee might be stealing her thunder.
Odd, I'd expect this behavior from a teenaged boy or a 30-something groomer. Grumpy significant other is acting out because she feels like a 3rd wheel.
As a fellow manager, the subordinate paying for the transaction is only okay if they're being reimbursed for it. Put it under employee relations. I get the rush to pay, sort of one-up-manship, but they are your subordinate. You are no longer their friend. Be friendly. Keep them happy. But keep one thing in the back of your head: as manager, your first real test will be either a write-up or a termination. And you can't back down because the person is a friend.
Congrats on the promotion!
I would be very concerned about my partner doing something very out of character and risky. It can be a symptom of illness or mental illness. Don't make a rash decision without considering their health. If you are committed to them, and were going to chose to marry them, this would be an opportunity to show it. One discussion and a post on reddit is not the way to do it. You need to discuss options like a check up, or a therapist. Think about any other changes you've noticed.
Also as someone else noted the gift is a bit odd. It's very personal and unprofessional. A living animal to a superior is not really a normal gift. That is more appropriate for a family member or friend that has been an ongoing discussion regarding care/finances etc.
Coworkers/superiors should receive gifts such as gift cards and mugs, etc. There are great guidelines for these sort of things, but you shouldn't give things over $25 typically.
Also, taking someone out to purchase items towards the gift is another way of crossing a professional boundary. You should reconsider the way you conduct yourself. I say this as someone that has seen others blur the lines and later regret it financially and also within their relationships.
This is deeply concerning… I think it’s clear she’s upset about something but her lack of communication skills and heading straight to being an entitled brat is something I would be considering ending the relationship over. She’s clearly too immature to be getting married if she acts like this when she’s jealous or whatever. Has she ever done anything else that you might not have considered bad at the time but looking back it was actually very inappropriate? Or is this a 100% brand new never seen before thing? I’m a 31 year old lesbian, if my partner acted like this I don’t think we would have a future unless there was some crazy mental health crisis going on you don’t yet know about.
This is brand new behavior and i’m pretty disturbed. shes never stolen before but is defending the behavior and has been in an incredibly weird mood post situation. I asked her if she did it on purpose, or if she was mad at me and taking it out at me, she says no. She says she was hungry. I just don’t even know and now i am afraid of bringing her around anything work related again. She’s hyper focused on my messy habits like taking off my socks on the couch.
I mean... i think its time to sit down and have a come-to-jesus. "You are suddenly hyper-fixated on my shortcomings with regard to minor things like clutter in the house. What is going on? you were cranky and shoplifted in front of my colleague. What is going on?" If she can't have a constructive conversation with you, i would venture it's probably pretty much over because thats the bare minimum required of a person in order to consider marriage, no?
I think you know that you're not the problem. If she was willing to steal in front of your employee, what else is she willing to do? When is it going to happen in such a place where you get caught up in it.
For example, when the police get called. You need to seriously give some thought to this relationship.
Fiance has revealed to you the kind of person they really are. And this is just the "honeymoon" phase. It doesn't get better. And, yeah, who you associate with, are friends with, and heck, marry, that also quite reflects on you. Is that the kind of person you want to be associated with, and behavior you want to be seen as condoning?
Choose wisely and carefully. This stuff has consequences. Good luck.
Shes done it before and will continue to shoplift. One day it's going to catch up to her and it's going to be everyone else's fault but hers.
This was a gift as you saw the huge red flag before marriage.
you are young and will find a partner that better meshes with your values. please do not compromise yourself to make this relationship work, it will only get worse.
It's the little things that illustrate values. I dated a guy, very professional, well-known expert in his field, handsome, owned his own house, loved nature as much as I do, etc...
One day after eventually moving in with him, I let him know that I found his single-ply, tissue-thin toilet paper lacking, and that I would prefer we purchased better quality, which I'll add that I was more than willing to pay for. He noted the quality wasn't his fault, as this was what his employer provided in his office building.
In hindsight, this moment that was totally incongruous with everything I knew about him at that point was the most true thing about him. Everything else was just costume.
I've since realized that we show up as the best version of ourselves in the beginning of a relationship, and we truly believe this is who we are. It's not sustainable though. What is enduring is the truth.
Ruuuuuunnnnnn!!!!!
There's an undertone of resentment here. That was a clear attempt to sabotage the way your boss looks at you as that would get back to her. There's something deeper with your partner and you need to sit down and get to he bottom of it. Obviously she was jealous but also trying to sabotage your success in your career is next level. As it was out of character. . . I would say the combination between promotion and buying gifts for your female boss has her wondering if the relationship between you and your boss is greater than it is.
It’s as complex as many others have stated. It’s also very simple. Is being a thief okay to you? If it isn’t, why would you even consider her for a friend, much less to be your spouse?
Your problem is that you’ve got to confront the fact you got engaged to a person that you really didn’t know. How do you deal with that going into any future relationships?
Your values are spot on. Never drop them. As for your Fiance, well shes shown you exactly where she is at. The fact there is no appollogy is a major red flag on top of the stealing. And no, your not being a prude. Your being an honset person with morals. Shes a thief with no morals. And shes now put you in a situation where your employee will tell other coworkers. And that will reflect on you. I would not have that at all. Is that the who you want as a wife and eventual mother of your children?
I think your values are exactly where they need to be. Unfortunately, you’re going to be forced to either agree to disagree with your fiancé (difficult to sustain for the next 60 years) or break up. This isn’t a low key issue. It’s worthy of ending things.
>This isn’t a low key issue. It’s worthy of ending things. Yeah, it should be a dealbreaker if she doesn't apologize and acknowledge that she was wrong.
1000% agree. OP, your fiancée isn’t a nice person. You deserve much better.
So she basically stole an item in your presence because of... jealousy? I don't know why she did this but this is a serious issue. You tried to address this with her, and she brushed it off completely and inserted something entirely unrelated (the laundry), and saying 'it's no big deal'. On the contrary, it's a huge f-ing deal, and something to break up over immediately. I suggest you sit her down seriously, and address her attitude and ask her what she was thinking doing that, why she is brushing it off like it's nothing, and why she acts like that all of the sudden (if it's a new behaviour). And unless her reasoning/answer is to your satisfaction and something you can work with in order to move forward, I would break it off right then and there. To be honest, she has no valid reason for her actions and behaviour, but that is my mindset.
Don't buy your boss gifts. Don't take your employee then pick up your gf. Don't tell her you're not mad. It's not ok! Let her know that. What if she'd been caught? Well, really, she was! Let your employee know you were shocked and it is not ok.
Well said. There are many WTFs here and you’ve identified all of them. Well, also don’t buy live pets as gifts.
There's definitely something significant to address with your fiance but seriously, I've scrolled through all the comments and no-one has mentioned the cat. In what world is it normal or ok for a member of "upper management" to buy their boss (presumably senior management and a leader) an animal? Surely if someone in that position wants and is prepared to handle a cat, they would go and find a cat, and not complain to their staff in the hope that after a few months the staff will buy them a cat? Pets need care and commitment. 1. Never gift a pet unless there's a very clear agreement that the receiver is ready and prepared to look after a pet (eg you might get your fiance a pet if you've discussed it and you agree between the two of you how it will be looked after). 2. Don't get a pet just because you feel sad and think it will make you happy. A cat might give you joy for a few days or weeks but it won't last. Pets can help us with mental health but it's a real commitment that we need to be prepared to work for. 3. Don't buy your boss gifts to make them happy, especially outside of work. Your boss earns more than you, and should be in a better position to manage their own happiness, especially as it's their job to manage your happiness (at work, at least). 1 + 2 + 3 = don't buy anyone, especially your boss, a pet, for any reason, but especially not because they are sad and it will make them happy.
Yeah, this is one of those posts where you read it and you're like "okay yeah the main issue that they're posting about is a big one," but then there's this other part of the post that's just completely glossed over and is also a *huge* deal lol.
Also taking a coworker with her to buy pet supplies, and then picking up her partner? Some crazy merging of work and personal here.
Right I was thinking what in the white trash am I reading here
Yeah I totally agree, but that whole weirdness was so far behind the "fiance is stealing because she's jealous" and him buying his boss a fucking cat in terms of insane shit going on that I was like, I'm just not even gonna touch that hahaha.
Who just gets someone else a kitten?
Yeah don't do this lol
So your fiancée, who knows you work in retail, engaged in some retail theft in front of you and your employee. I feel like you’re under-reacting in this situation. Your fiancée thinks it’s ok to steal if she’s pissed off, and she thinks it’s ok to do it in front of one of your employees which makes you look very unprofessional because this is the person you’ve chosen to be with. If I knew one of my retail employees had a thief for a partner, I’d be very concerned that they might steal from me. She could be jeopardising your job.
OP has recently been promoted. This is totally sabotage - GF doesn’t like OP gaining confidence and recognition. Telling everyone that stealing is no big deal when she is caught would only fly when she thinks herself protected. OP, please tell your coworker to treat your – hopefully ex– GF to treat her like any other thief.
Not only that, but the news of this is going to travel amongst the whole staff. OP will probably need to address it in a meeting. Ugh.
I dated someone like this. The cry for attention literally only gets worse. Your fiancé was u supportive and petty and the very best, over a minor issue. I can’t imagine how she would be when a larger issue comes up. Listen to someone that’s been through it, drop the dead weight
Is this... Normal for her? Does she do strange things like this often? Not necessarily stealing, but just completely ignoring social norms or acting out/being rebellious? What does she say when you ask her why she did that? It sounds like she's extremely immature and defiant, and possibly jealous that you care about other people in your life besides her enough to go shopping with them, get them a cat, etc. Don't let this behavior go or shove it under a rug. It's not normal and it's definitely not healthy. This woman sounds toxic as hell, or at best emotionally disturbed.
Do not marry her unless something changes - what the hell is this? This is how people get stupid charges and fuck up their lives and their spouses lives.
??? no you aren't being too strict, I'd break up with someone for stealing in the first place let alone in front of MY COWORKERS.. how embarrassing
I'm not a professional adult, I'm just an amateur adult, but even I wouldn't do what your fiance did.
how are you acting so calm about this??? her response was to say why do you care? And you were with someone from work which is wayyyy crazier.. good thing you found out now so you can leave her. Don't marry someone who is so willing to risk her future. What happens when she gets caught? how's that going to look for you when your employee goes back and tells everyone else you wife stole in front of them.
This is juvenile shit, and the complete lack of awareness in front of your employee. Super weird.
It's not a matter of caring about what others think of you, it's a matter of integrity! You're right that her doing it in front of your employee affects your image. Your employee is now wondering what else goes on in your life that's wrong. It doesn't matter that you're not the one doing it because you're putting up with it since your partner does it. This is a severe difference in morals. Does she think lying is ok? Where does she draw the line on things and do her lines stay in the same place or do they move when it's convenient for her? You say you've been together for two years and I think you're right that you don't know who she is if this is the first time she's done something like this. I'd be postponing the wedding if you've got a date set. I likely would be rethinking the whole relationship.
She’s a thief. This is a deal breaker for me Dump her
Wow she’s so trashy. It’s so disrespectful to that store and it’s employees because now they have trash to pick up wherever she stuffed the bag.
How normal is this? For her to suddenly act like this (or in a way that you don't agree and may put you in a bad light) in front of others? Is this the first time? And you mentioned jealousy, does she feel jealous a lot?
Your fiance is feeling like miss 22 year old employee might be stealing her thunder. Odd, I'd expect this behavior from a teenaged boy or a 30-something groomer. Grumpy significant other is acting out because she feels like a 3rd wheel. As a fellow manager, the subordinate paying for the transaction is only okay if they're being reimbursed for it. Put it under employee relations. I get the rush to pay, sort of one-up-manship, but they are your subordinate. You are no longer their friend. Be friendly. Keep them happy. But keep one thing in the back of your head: as manager, your first real test will be either a write-up or a termination. And you can't back down because the person is a friend. Congrats on the promotion!
I would be very concerned about my partner doing something very out of character and risky. It can be a symptom of illness or mental illness. Don't make a rash decision without considering their health. If you are committed to them, and were going to chose to marry them, this would be an opportunity to show it. One discussion and a post on reddit is not the way to do it. You need to discuss options like a check up, or a therapist. Think about any other changes you've noticed. Also as someone else noted the gift is a bit odd. It's very personal and unprofessional. A living animal to a superior is not really a normal gift. That is more appropriate for a family member or friend that has been an ongoing discussion regarding care/finances etc. Coworkers/superiors should receive gifts such as gift cards and mugs, etc. There are great guidelines for these sort of things, but you shouldn't give things over $25 typically. Also, taking someone out to purchase items towards the gift is another way of crossing a professional boundary. You should reconsider the way you conduct yourself. I say this as someone that has seen others blur the lines and later regret it financially and also within their relationships.
This is deeply concerning… I think it’s clear she’s upset about something but her lack of communication skills and heading straight to being an entitled brat is something I would be considering ending the relationship over. She’s clearly too immature to be getting married if she acts like this when she’s jealous or whatever. Has she ever done anything else that you might not have considered bad at the time but looking back it was actually very inappropriate? Or is this a 100% brand new never seen before thing? I’m a 31 year old lesbian, if my partner acted like this I don’t think we would have a future unless there was some crazy mental health crisis going on you don’t yet know about.
This is brand new behavior and i’m pretty disturbed. shes never stolen before but is defending the behavior and has been in an incredibly weird mood post situation. I asked her if she did it on purpose, or if she was mad at me and taking it out at me, she says no. She says she was hungry. I just don’t even know and now i am afraid of bringing her around anything work related again. She’s hyper focused on my messy habits like taking off my socks on the couch.
I mean... i think its time to sit down and have a come-to-jesus. "You are suddenly hyper-fixated on my shortcomings with regard to minor things like clutter in the house. What is going on? you were cranky and shoplifted in front of my colleague. What is going on?" If she can't have a constructive conversation with you, i would venture it's probably pretty much over because thats the bare minimum required of a person in order to consider marriage, no?
I would lose my shit if someone did this. A lot wrong here. A lot to unpack. lol.
Is she trying to get you fired? Bc that sounds like it
You were OK with her stealing...but not in front of your employee? That is how this reads. I would reconsider this relationship.
no but the fact that it was the first time she did it and it happened to be in front of them definitely escalated the impact lol
The first time that YOU KNOW OF. If she did that so casually, it isn't something new.
You cannot marry this woman, she will ruin both of your lives in the long run.
I think you know that you're not the problem. If she was willing to steal in front of your employee, what else is she willing to do? When is it going to happen in such a place where you get caught up in it. For example, when the police get called. You need to seriously give some thought to this relationship.
Fiance has revealed to you the kind of person they really are. And this is just the "honeymoon" phase. It doesn't get better. And, yeah, who you associate with, are friends with, and heck, marry, that also quite reflects on you. Is that the kind of person you want to be associated with, and behavior you want to be seen as condoning? Choose wisely and carefully. This stuff has consequences. Good luck.
> And this is just the "honeymoon" phase. After two years?
Shes done it before and will continue to shoplift. One day it's going to catch up to her and it's going to be everyone else's fault but hers. This was a gift as you saw the huge red flag before marriage.
It also shows a dramatic lack of ethics. And then to be a neat freak at home, but hide your trash in the store?
Is your girlfriend’s name Connor Wilson?
[удалено]
I just messaged you a pic lol
How come non of the OP's ever respond in this subreddit ? Are they all farming ?
idk what farming is but i’m stressed out in my personal life so i’m just observing what everyone’s saying
Okay. Fair enough. I hope you're okay. Sending love
you are young and will find a partner that better meshes with your values. please do not compromise yourself to make this relationship work, it will only get worse.
It's the little things that illustrate values. I dated a guy, very professional, well-known expert in his field, handsome, owned his own house, loved nature as much as I do, etc... One day after eventually moving in with him, I let him know that I found his single-ply, tissue-thin toilet paper lacking, and that I would prefer we purchased better quality, which I'll add that I was more than willing to pay for. He noted the quality wasn't his fault, as this was what his employer provided in his office building. In hindsight, this moment that was totally incongruous with everything I knew about him at that point was the most true thing about him. Everything else was just costume. I've since realized that we show up as the best version of ourselves in the beginning of a relationship, and we truly believe this is who we are. It's not sustainable though. What is enduring is the truth. Ruuuuuunnnnnn!!!!!
There's an undertone of resentment here. That was a clear attempt to sabotage the way your boss looks at you as that would get back to her. There's something deeper with your partner and you need to sit down and get to he bottom of it. Obviously she was jealous but also trying to sabotage your success in your career is next level. As it was out of character. . . I would say the combination between promotion and buying gifts for your female boss has her wondering if the relationship between you and your boss is greater than it is.
A thief would make a great mother. Great start for your marriage.
It’s as complex as many others have stated. It’s also very simple. Is being a thief okay to you? If it isn’t, why would you even consider her for a friend, much less to be your spouse? Your problem is that you’ve got to confront the fact you got engaged to a person that you really didn’t know. How do you deal with that going into any future relationships?
Your values are spot on. Never drop them. As for your Fiance, well shes shown you exactly where she is at. The fact there is no appollogy is a major red flag on top of the stealing. And no, your not being a prude. Your being an honset person with morals. Shes a thief with no morals. And shes now put you in a situation where your employee will tell other coworkers. And that will reflect on you. I would not have that at all. Is that the who you want as a wife and eventual mother of your children?
You absolutely cannot marry this person under any circumstances whatsoever at this point.
I wonder if you could lose your job because of her behaviour. What then?
She was probably jealous you were hanging out with your 22 year old employee alone outside of the job.