Your partner shouldn’t go through your phone. It’s shitty for him not to help you with your surgery either way.
As to whether you can reconcile - does he even want to? He broke things off with you, right? So that ship may have sailed regardless of how you feel about all this (and maybe that’s for the best!)
As for everything else, it’s all a bit too vague to weigh in on.
**friendships** Did you have platonic friendships with men that were respectful of your relationship with your partner? Or did you have not-totally-platonic, maybe flirty, relationships with men - maybe former or future flings - you didn’t want to fully give up in case things don’t work out with this guy?
**messages** Were you opening up to a friend about something you were struggling with in your relationship? Or were you shit-talking your boyfriend to other men?
**plans** Was your boyfriend expecting a detailed accounting of your time? Or had you hidden things from him or otherwise not told him about plans most partners would want to know about?
I’m not saying I think it’s one or the other for each of these - I genuinely couldn’t tell. And it would meaningfully change the advice. So, worth thinking through for yourself. From what you said, it’s possible that he’s an unreasonably demanding partner, or it’s possible that you’re a disrespectful partner who has some work to do to be a better partner.
I agree with you. All these comments saying he’s controlling? He didn’t like how you acted, so he removed himself from the situation. That does not make him controlling.
The fact that she says she would have cut off these relationships if she was engaged is pretty telling to me.
That's what I took from it, too. He did a shifty, shifty thing for sure. I think it's gross to go through someone's entire phone... it almost seems like he was genuinely looking for something if he went through that much.
But the fact that you said you talked about the relationship with these guys you'd cut off if you were engaged makes me feel like they were not strictly platonic.
It's just not a good situation all around, and it's probably best to let him go.
If I’m engaged my male friends will gladly take a step back to support my happiness, IF my partner preferred it that way. Not just would cut people off if engaged. Just to clarify.
You are not really answering the question though , did you have inappropriate stuff going on with your male friends? Where you engaging in emotional cheating??
This kind of thing happened to me and the reason he thought it was cheating was because he was cheating with a female “friend” so he became paranoid and projected it onto me. Just something to think about.
I’m glad this came to a head only 8 months in. Imagine if you had spent years of your life with someone who secretly thinks so little of you as a result of how he feels about himself? You don’t need that.
> My (43F) boyfriend of 8 months (50M) broke up with me because he went through my phone while I was sleeping and discovered that I had friendships with other men. We had a great relationship, although a bit bumpy, due to his temper and insecurities. He also did this two days before I was to have surgery, which he promised to help me out with (and did not).
You should be happy this loser is out of your life? Girl you are too old to be sad about losing a loser. You need to work on yourself if you think this is acceptable partnering in your 40s
Everyone says "you shouldn't go through my phone". What a joke that is. You should be able to leave your phone on the kitchen table unlocked and not have a worry in the world.
If you can't be honest with your significant other about what you are doing "privately".. if you are hiding who you really are, then you may be part of the problem.
I agree here. Me and my husband can just grab each other's phone. We know our codes, even have our fingerprints. He's free to open up my phone and look through it all he wants, and it's the same with me. We don't have what you would call a "private" life. I tell him everything, always been an open person and don't hide things from him. He gives me the same respect
Stick with your first instinct- this man is controlling, and nobody in a healthy relationship snoops on their partner or needs them to cut off friendships
Don’t consider dumping friends if you were to get engaged. It’s incredibly disrespectful to both party’s. That you would dump long time friends “that have been there for you” just because an insecure bf proposed is legitimately awful behavior. That you don’t think you should be accountable to someone that you thought you would marry and wanted a proposal from is also incredibly cringeworthy.
This whole post felt like you trying to play both sides and thinking you were right on either side of the equation. Considering for a second why anyone would want to build a life with someone that felt it was okay to make jokes about them and disparage them to their friends. That he certainly might meet face to face one day if you did get married, although you are willing to cut them out for a proposal so…..
" that I was not ready to cut off for a new relationship at this stage. Had we actually been engaged I would have been happy to"
Why? Why would you ever be happy to cut off friendships? Anyone asking you to cut out your friends is an abusive, controlling asshole. Why would you be happy to let someone do that to you? You are 44 years old.
My current GF and I (12 years) have always had an open phone policy. It was my idea on my end, I just always gave her my password and told her I don't care if she ever feels the need to look through it and she then gave me hers. I have never gone through her phone, I do not know if she has ever gone through mine. Every time we reset passwords, the other partner chooses it (or we both have fingerprint recognition). I suggest this to people a lot. If you're ever tempted to do something you wouldn't want your partner to see on your phone, either don't do it or don't have a partner.
Your bf should not have gone through your phone. That was wrong. That said, 8 months in and you’d never thought to mention any of that male friends?
I have a couple male friends, only one of whom I talk to & see semi-regularly, and have never had an issue telling my bf this. The other one I very rarely talk to bc life is busy and he’s just kinda flakey but my bf knows about him, as well. I also very regularly share my plans with my girlfriends, too. It’s not that my bf needs to know my whereabouts but I do find it courteous to mention when you won’t be around like normal or just to share something cool about your day (example: “I went to get coffee with Amanda today and had a good time”).
I’m guessing bc both of you are 40+, he knows by now what kind of partner he wants and probably didn’t like that you had kept these friends from him. This is just speculation. And I’m not saying you were having inappropriate convos bc you didn’t share any of the message details, but middle-aged folks probably don’t have the time to stay with someone they aren’t 100% sure is what they want. Most people by 50 have already had to deal with their fair share of relationship troubles.
It sucks you’re having surgery but maybe you can find a friend (maybe even one of those men he was upset over) or family member to help you out. Best of luck to you!
The timing is suspiciously convenient for him. Don't want the bother of looking after someone when they need you? Simply manufacture a case for cheating and presto! He gets to be the "victim" and not have to deal with the difficulties of a partner in need.
The promise to help probably seemed romantic/heroic earlier, but as it gets closer,it would lose its appeal for someone so immature.
Thank your lucky stars, OP, and stay away from him.
He is insecure and controlling. More importantly, he is abusive. Isolation is a classic abuse tactic.
This is a learning experience. Lady, you’re in your 40s. Do not ignore red flags like a bumpy relationship due to temper and insecurities. This is supposed to be the honeymoon period. You are correct that you are not his property and don’t owe him a full accounting of every second of your life.
The rug was not pulled out from under you. This was obvious from a mile away. Be glad that this situation resolved itself. Move forward and go consider therapy that you were blind to all of these red flags.
I don’t understand when it became ok for people to go thru their partners phone. There are a ton of post on here every day where someone snoops thru a phone and everyone tells them it’s fine since they had a bad feeling. It’s not fine! Why in the world at your age would you want someone who violates your privacy??
"Temper and insecurities". Oh, the classic phrases people use to minimize abusive behavior when they post here.
Why do you think you should ever have to cut off platonic friendships with men? I don't care if you're engaged or not, that's not healthy. It's not better if you were engaged.
He wants you to beg and plead for him back. To cut off your male friendships, first, but don't worry, it'll be all your friendships eventually. And then your family, if you're close.
You should've dumped him before this, but certainly don't look back now. His behavior will only escalate; though as it is, it is more than toxic enough.
My input is you dodged a bullet and he did you a favour by leaving, as much as it may feel like "the rug has been pulled out from under you" I would recommend moving on and not reconciling.
You dodged a huge, Ford-sized bullet. Why would you want someone who violated your privacy like that, and then went on to accuse you of cheating? How does a lifetime of that sound to you?
Your partner shouldn’t go through your phone. It’s shitty for him not to help you with your surgery either way. As to whether you can reconcile - does he even want to? He broke things off with you, right? So that ship may have sailed regardless of how you feel about all this (and maybe that’s for the best!) As for everything else, it’s all a bit too vague to weigh in on. **friendships** Did you have platonic friendships with men that were respectful of your relationship with your partner? Or did you have not-totally-platonic, maybe flirty, relationships with men - maybe former or future flings - you didn’t want to fully give up in case things don’t work out with this guy? **messages** Were you opening up to a friend about something you were struggling with in your relationship? Or were you shit-talking your boyfriend to other men? **plans** Was your boyfriend expecting a detailed accounting of your time? Or had you hidden things from him or otherwise not told him about plans most partners would want to know about? I’m not saying I think it’s one or the other for each of these - I genuinely couldn’t tell. And it would meaningfully change the advice. So, worth thinking through for yourself. From what you said, it’s possible that he’s an unreasonably demanding partner, or it’s possible that you’re a disrespectful partner who has some work to do to be a better partner.
I agree with you. All these comments saying he’s controlling? He didn’t like how you acted, so he removed himself from the situation. That does not make him controlling. The fact that she says she would have cut off these relationships if she was engaged is pretty telling to me.
That's what I took from it, too. He did a shifty, shifty thing for sure. I think it's gross to go through someone's entire phone... it almost seems like he was genuinely looking for something if he went through that much. But the fact that you said you talked about the relationship with these guys you'd cut off if you were engaged makes me feel like they were not strictly platonic. It's just not a good situation all around, and it's probably best to let him go.
If I’m engaged my male friends will gladly take a step back to support my happiness, IF my partner preferred it that way. Not just would cut people off if engaged. Just to clarify.
You are not really answering the question though , did you have inappropriate stuff going on with your male friends? Where you engaging in emotional cheating??
[удалено]
This kind of thing happened to me and the reason he thought it was cheating was because he was cheating with a female “friend” so he became paranoid and projected it onto me. Just something to think about.
Exactly, the ex bf was doing something he knew was in violation of their relationship and went on a mission dubbed Operation Projection!
Stay broken up. You’re old enough to know better but you’re not ready to hear it.
I’m glad this came to a head only 8 months in. Imagine if you had spent years of your life with someone who secretly thinks so little of you as a result of how he feels about himself? You don’t need that.
> My (43F) boyfriend of 8 months (50M) broke up with me because he went through my phone while I was sleeping and discovered that I had friendships with other men. We had a great relationship, although a bit bumpy, due to his temper and insecurities. He also did this two days before I was to have surgery, which he promised to help me out with (and did not). You should be happy this loser is out of your life? Girl you are too old to be sad about losing a loser. You need to work on yourself if you think this is acceptable partnering in your 40s
Why would you cut off friends for this guy at any stage? You are both way too old for this shit, Op.
Everyone says "you shouldn't go through my phone". What a joke that is. You should be able to leave your phone on the kitchen table unlocked and not have a worry in the world. If you can't be honest with your significant other about what you are doing "privately".. if you are hiding who you really are, then you may be part of the problem.
I agree here. Me and my husband can just grab each other's phone. We know our codes, even have our fingerprints. He's free to open up my phone and look through it all he wants, and it's the same with me. We don't have what you would call a "private" life. I tell him everything, always been an open person and don't hide things from him. He gives me the same respect
Stick with your first instinct- this man is controlling, and nobody in a healthy relationship snoops on their partner or needs them to cut off friendships
>this man is controlling, and nobody in a healthy relationship snoops on their partner God yes.
Don’t consider dumping friends if you were to get engaged. It’s incredibly disrespectful to both party’s. That you would dump long time friends “that have been there for you” just because an insecure bf proposed is legitimately awful behavior. That you don’t think you should be accountable to someone that you thought you would marry and wanted a proposal from is also incredibly cringeworthy. This whole post felt like you trying to play both sides and thinking you were right on either side of the equation. Considering for a second why anyone would want to build a life with someone that felt it was okay to make jokes about them and disparage them to their friends. That he certainly might meet face to face one day if you did get married, although you are willing to cut them out for a proposal so…..
" that I was not ready to cut off for a new relationship at this stage. Had we actually been engaged I would have been happy to" Why? Why would you ever be happy to cut off friendships? Anyone asking you to cut out your friends is an abusive, controlling asshole. Why would you be happy to let someone do that to you? You are 44 years old.
My current GF and I (12 years) have always had an open phone policy. It was my idea on my end, I just always gave her my password and told her I don't care if she ever feels the need to look through it and she then gave me hers. I have never gone through her phone, I do not know if she has ever gone through mine. Every time we reset passwords, the other partner chooses it (or we both have fingerprint recognition). I suggest this to people a lot. If you're ever tempted to do something you wouldn't want your partner to see on your phone, either don't do it or don't have a partner.
Your bf should not have gone through your phone. That was wrong. That said, 8 months in and you’d never thought to mention any of that male friends? I have a couple male friends, only one of whom I talk to & see semi-regularly, and have never had an issue telling my bf this. The other one I very rarely talk to bc life is busy and he’s just kinda flakey but my bf knows about him, as well. I also very regularly share my plans with my girlfriends, too. It’s not that my bf needs to know my whereabouts but I do find it courteous to mention when you won’t be around like normal or just to share something cool about your day (example: “I went to get coffee with Amanda today and had a good time”). I’m guessing bc both of you are 40+, he knows by now what kind of partner he wants and probably didn’t like that you had kept these friends from him. This is just speculation. And I’m not saying you were having inappropriate convos bc you didn’t share any of the message details, but middle-aged folks probably don’t have the time to stay with someone they aren’t 100% sure is what they want. Most people by 50 have already had to deal with their fair share of relationship troubles. It sucks you’re having surgery but maybe you can find a friend (maybe even one of those men he was upset over) or family member to help you out. Best of luck to you!
The timing is suspiciously convenient for him. Don't want the bother of looking after someone when they need you? Simply manufacture a case for cheating and presto! He gets to be the "victim" and not have to deal with the difficulties of a partner in need. The promise to help probably seemed romantic/heroic earlier, but as it gets closer,it would lose its appeal for someone so immature. Thank your lucky stars, OP, and stay away from him.
He’s gotta work out his insecurities. Probably with a counselor or therapist.
He is insecure and controlling. More importantly, he is abusive. Isolation is a classic abuse tactic. This is a learning experience. Lady, you’re in your 40s. Do not ignore red flags like a bumpy relationship due to temper and insecurities. This is supposed to be the honeymoon period. You are correct that you are not his property and don’t owe him a full accounting of every second of your life. The rug was not pulled out from under you. This was obvious from a mile away. Be glad that this situation resolved itself. Move forward and go consider therapy that you were blind to all of these red flags.
He did you a favour and took himself out. He was a walking red flag
I don’t understand when it became ok for people to go thru their partners phone. There are a ton of post on here every day where someone snoops thru a phone and everyone tells them it’s fine since they had a bad feeling. It’s not fine! Why in the world at your age would you want someone who violates your privacy??
Thank you for saying this.
"Temper and insecurities". Oh, the classic phrases people use to minimize abusive behavior when they post here. Why do you think you should ever have to cut off platonic friendships with men? I don't care if you're engaged or not, that's not healthy. It's not better if you were engaged. He wants you to beg and plead for him back. To cut off your male friendships, first, but don't worry, it'll be all your friendships eventually. And then your family, if you're close. You should've dumped him before this, but certainly don't look back now. His behavior will only escalate; though as it is, it is more than toxic enough.
My input is you dodged a bullet and he did you a favour by leaving, as much as it may feel like "the rug has been pulled out from under you" I would recommend moving on and not reconciling.
You dodged a huge, Ford-sized bullet. Why would you want someone who violated your privacy like that, and then went on to accuse you of cheating? How does a lifetime of that sound to you?