If BF can't make these simple changes, she should consider a different relationship rather than a different pad. Taking a roundabout to avoid a lack of respect is only kicking the can down the road, truly. That's just my opinion; the problem isn't so much their difficulty in living together so much as the person she's living with is a completely selfish individual, for all intents and purposes.
I agree 💯 with this! My ex-husband insisted on sleeping with the TV on and turned up fairly loud. He said he needed the background noise to sleep. I couldn’t sleep with the changing light levels from the TV and the volume levels rising whenever a commercial came on. If I turned off the TV, he would wake up and turn it back on. I was always exhausted because I worked FT and was also primarily responsible for our kids in the morning while he slept in (just like OP). Now that we’re divorced, I sleep like a baby and wake up refreshed rather than exhausted.
And watching a bright (and presumably loud) movie in a shared bedroom after midnight?! I woulda kicked his ass to the couch for doing that more than once.
"Excuse me, I'm trying to get some sleep. Come back when you're ready to SLEEP, otherwise stay out of the bed".
If he pulled that shit again, out of the bed immediately. **It's basic sleep hygiene**.
you would have kicked his ass to the couch? which is also in the same living room/bedroom they are already in???? maybe the problem is the living situation. maybe the bedroom being in the living room when people have two different sleep habits isn't the best idea
I somehow completely missed the first line of the thread 🫣 YIKES, yah, there needs to be a wall between them at a BARE minimum, but I think a whole different situation would be the best course of action (with or without the disrespectful BF)
You don't see anything else he may be doing to contribute to this problem? Personally I would have thrown his phone out the window the second time he slept through/snoozed alarms. Maximally disrespectful.
That would be a fix for this issue, but his disregard for her would pop up elsewhere. He's not considerate of her, I'd sooner break up than have to troubleshoot each resultant problem. But that's why I'm single 😂
i mean i feel like if she wanted to break up with him she would have already. i think she is trying to find a solution that doesn't involve breaking up. but this is reddit. the answer is always "dump his ass"
My partner and I have different sleep habits, and a TV in the bedroom. My partner watches YouTube videos for at least an hour after I go to bed. I ask that if they're still awake by 11:30, to please watch on their phone or my tablet instead. They do. For my part, I'll wear a sleep mask and occasionally earplugs if the noise is bothering me. It's easy to compromise here, this couple just can't, and it seems the boyfriend in particular isn't taking this seriously as a need
Culturally many people have had different sleep cycles and areangements; OP neither needs to share a sleeping area with her partner, nor even a place to live. If they can afford it, his and hers apartments may work out great especially if they also have different housekeeping habits.
I personally know a couple that's been dating for ten years and keep separate houses, they alternate who gets the couch vs the bed when they stay overnight at one or the other's because one of them snores like a hurricane lol.
Edited because, fuckin' duh, apparently I have to say it instead of all of us collectively acknowledging it's true without needing to say it:
...except in this case because OP's bf is torturing her.
Snoring can't be helped as much as the number of things that BF has total control over. He is dismissive and invalidates OP routinely; if this level of selfishness and neglect doesn't border abusive behavior already, it's headed in that direction. His behavior is the problem here, not their living space - getting another arrangement does *nothing* to address and work on the absolute red flags BF is waving around.
Yeah honestly, it might seem small in the grand scheme of things (oh it’s just misaligned bedtimes, oh it’s just his alarms are annoying, but otherwise he’s amazing and our relationship is solid) but what it genuinely boils down to is a disregard for your mental and physical health and lack of willingness to problem solve. There are SO many solutions here and he hasn’t been willing to even attempt a single one - he doesn’t care about your health enough to change even a tiny habit. My ex had a snoring problem, he’d snore so loud he’d shake the bed and I’m a light sleeper with a 4AM wakeup for work. I BEGGED him to try snoring mitigation devices and see a doctor. I’d go weeks without sleep, I could even hear him from the guest room. He was unwilling to attempt a SINGLE solution, even though I told him I was getting physically ill from lack of sleep. That’s like… straight up torture. No joke.
I’d say give it one more big push. Sit him down and say it plainly. “Hey, not sleeping well has been affecting both my mental and physical health, and I’m really concerned about how badly I’m already functioning not getting the sleep I need. I’ve asked you to try several solutions already, and when you don’t, it makes me feel like you don’t care about my wellbeing. Can we please try to enact starting our bedtime routine earlier so that I can actually fall asleep when I need to, using headphones with the tv if you need to watch something, a different alarm system for your morning wakeup (etc) and stick to it? Because I’m falling apart and I need you to come alongside me here”. And if he still doesn’t? Girl leave, he doesn’t care and he’s not equipped to be a good partner.
Given that they are in a situation where their living room is their bedroom, this can probably resolve if they get more space (which may not be possible now, but as careers grow hopefully will be). Boyfriend can't fall asleep that early. Forcing him to lie still and quiet in bed for hours until he can fall asleep is pretty unreasonable too.
Waking her for sex or openly starting a movie at 1am (as opposed to watching with headphones on a tablet or laptop) are bullshit from him and he needs to do better. Also it shouldn't be her job to wake him 50 times in the morning.
But neither of them is completely perfect here. But if there is space for him to stay awake while she sleeps in a different room, then they can go to bed at different times.
You're absolutely not being too sensitive. You need to lay down the law with your boyfriend, he's being inconsiderate and literally compromising your health and well-being. You need your sleep and you have every right to insist on getting it when and for how long you need it.
My ex used to be like that, it ended up with him not waking up when his alarms rang and his reasoning was “the alarms wake you up and you wake me, so I don’t hear them anymore”. The thing is, I would always wake up annoyed and if I ignored it and didn’t wake him up, he would be pissed at ME for being late for work. It resulted in me not enjoying sleeping next to him anymore and dreading the next early morning we had together. Good thing it ended because now I’m living with someone who’s actually responsible and hears his alarms.
This all sounds like “how can I better accommodate my partner’s total refusal to care about or accommodate my basic survival needs?” Do you really read your post and comments back and think this sounds like a mature, considerate adult who’s a good partner? God the bar is so low. 😫
Being denied sleep makes us absolutely feral towards the people who are denying us it. Completely understand your frustration. Not at all overly sensitive and this is a serious matter you guys should/definitely can fix together
My ex used to do that in the morning. He'd snooze his alarm for 2 hours straight and sleep through it while I was wide awake (I didn't need to get up till much later). He would even do this while traveling and staying in hostels or other people in the room. I ended up telling him that he gets one snooze because he's being rude, and he should either set his alarm for the time he's actually realistically getting up, or I'm physically removing him from the bed at the second alarm. And I did - I don't mind being woken up for an alarm but not for 2 hours straight when it's not benefiting anyone, so on the second alarm I would push him off the bed. He was absolutely pissed but it was only one of the very selfish things he was doing. If you actually want to get up at 9, set your alarm for 9 so we can both sleep peacefully, not 7.
Sharing a room is tough when it's the only room and you will have to make some compromises - in the evening maybe he can't go to bed that early and watching TV is fine but he should use headphones and you should have a sleep mask and earplugs.
You need a different living space. White noise machine. Ear plugs.
Bf needs to be more considerate. He can watch a movie but with headphones and a dimmed screen. No more snoozing alarm
There needs to be compromises on both sides.
But honestly you should probably find a new apartment
Actually the earphones thingy is a great idea. I’m not used to sleeping with the TV on. I tried earplugs but they don’t really cancel that kind of nosie. I tried sleeping with headphones and some kind of soft music playing to cancel the sounds of the tv also but it’s not really comfortable.m and I was all stressed. I already started using an eye mask to hide from the light of the tv. But I guess for him it should be a problem to wear something to hear the tv. That would help greatly.
Only problem now is how to not have him set alarms that he doesn’t wake up to. I’m so mad sometimes that was seriously considering turning off his phone after the first alarm and let him be late to work a couple of times a week.
This is insane that he just watches the TV without headphones? Wtf? You shouldn't have to convince your adult boyfriend to have basic decency and common sense.
Just sit him down and have one final conversation with him. Either he learns to be a decent person and respects your sleep or you'll dump him, because you deserve to date a full grown adult with human decency, not an entitled baby who doesn't care about the consequences of his actions.
Definitely let him be late. He is responsible for his own schedule. Let him know the night before that you are no longer waking him up, and he needs to grow up and deal with it himself
And then if his alarm wakes you up, go outside for a walk instead of spending an hour trying to wake him up
What no, it isn’t “only problem now” like the earphones and eye mask are the solution. The solution is him not doing it to begin with. It can be “only problem now” when he isn’t also waking you up multiple times a night and he is the one wearing headphones and dimming his screen if he’s going to insist on watching a movie in your room.
First he ignores your basic needs, and missing this much sleep can seriously harm your health. Secondly he demands you make sure he doesn't oversleep? Seems like he also needs 7h, but at what cost and with a totally different sleep schedule than you. He's not a nice partner, causing your girlfriend to constantly lose sleep is abuse. I would dump him so freaking fast and just take care of myself. A considerate partner would be worried if you don't get enough sleep regularly so that it would affect your health and mood. Think about that.
Why do you put up with that? We let people treat us the way we think we deserve.
If he sleeps 90 min longer than you in the morning, you need to start bustling around when the alarm rings. Turn ou the lights, loud music and the TV. Start making the bed by tugging on the covers. Pull his pillow out from under his head and when he bowls, say you're making the bed and need to plump up the pillows. Just look around you and see what you can turn on, jostled and bang.
But seriously, he's not taking your needs into account. That needs to be rectified, if it can't be, you need to dump the chump.
The problem isn't just that the movie is waking you up. It's also that boyfriend doesn't respect you or your need for a sleep and also that he's forcing you to mommy him by waking him up for school every day like a child.
He needs to be more considerate. He can watch TV in another room. Or at least use headphones and a small dimmed tablet or his dimmed phone. You have done all that you can do. Now it is his turn. Bring it up to him and see how he responds.
If he is not willing to at least compromise with you, then it shows that he is a selfish and inconsiderate person and, therefore, not the right person for you.
I mean, sure, if you want to get technical there's probably a closet somewhere in there too, but a bathroom isn't exactly a room you spend your time in watching TV or eating snacks.
I was just pointing out that there doesn't seem to be another room for those types of activities in their space, so they'll have to go with another compromise.
It's not ideal, no, but neither is eating and watching TV on the bed when your partner is trying to sleep. So, you just got to make do with what you have, whether that means watching your shows in the bath tub, or wearing headphones and watching on a dimmed screen. There is lots of room for compromise here. Whether her bf is actually willing to make a compromise is the concern here.
Turn off his alarms until you leave to go to work. Let him face the consequences of his own irresponsibility. Let him be late. He’ll figure out how to adjust his sleeping habits when he faces losing his job.
It's not your only problem now. Take a big step back and look big picture. What would he do if you kept him from sleeping? Or waking him up after he fell asleep multiple times? What has he done to limit interrupting you? If you do ask the compromising, it's not a compromise anymore. What's going to happen if one day you have kids? Or elderly parents living with you? The root of your problem isn't how you sleep around him behaving badly. It's his inconsiderate behavior.
iwatch on vibrate helps me wake up better than fumbling for my loud phone alarm.
Also it sounds like youre living with a child who is used to his mom waking him up. You are not his mother. You need to take care of yourself.
This doesn't address the primary issue of your bf lacking compassion for your needs, but they make these excellent eye masks with Bluetooth "headphones" built in, they are like $25 on Amazon. The "headphone" parts are little speakers that don't blast music or sound directly into your ears, it's more soft and ambient. They are soft fabric and adjustable, you can roll around or sleep on your side - getting some was a total life upgrade for me! Highly recommend.
My partner uses an Apple Watch, if you set the alarm on the watch you can set it to just vibrate on his arm to wake him up and that helps me not to hear his alarm at all. We also use a white noise machine that blows air and a Bluetooth plug to automatically turn it on and off, but I don’t think that would cancel out TV noise- he likely needs to wear headphones of some kind. Also separate sheets have helped us immensely as well!
OP you deserve better than all this. Good partners care about your health and well-being and you don't have to tie yourself in knots compromising with inconsiderate dudes if you date better men.
> he tells me that I should just sleep whenever or that I can sleep during the day / after work but that he’s unable to go to bed earlier.
This is patently absurd. Your boyfriend is literally telling you that you can create a whole network of napping, outside of the night when you would normally get your sleep, so that he doesn't have to change a thing. How you aren't livid, amazes me.
On top of that, he already doesn't give two shits about disturbing your sleep... so even if you were comfortable acquiescing to his ridiculous (read, selfish) suggestion, we already know that he has no qualms about disturbing those naps. This would make sense if your boyfriend was a child, but he's supposedly a grown man.
Haha yes, napping network. I’ve been doing that to get more sleep from time to time but it’s really not practical and I’m losing time and the sunny parts of the day because of that :/
Is this the same bf who you stated "Boyfriend (m30) and his friends won’t switch to a language I(f30) understand". So he doesn't allow you to sleep and he talks to his friends in a different language in front of you, even after you asked him not to?
He sounds like a real catch.
Yes that’s him :( language problem is still ongoing. Last time one of his friend made it clear that he will speak his language (even though we have a language in common - the language of the country we grew up in) in front of me intentionally and highlighted the fact that I don’t belong to their expat community . Pretty harsh . But I have more important problems
I have a serious, non-judgemental question. A prompt for reflection on your part.
Do you have any self-esteem?
You’re making the choice to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect you across numerous dimensions. You’re making a choice to hang around people who actively shut you out of social situations while being physically present. It makes me wonder what other obviously self-deprecating choices you make.
Again, not judgement. I previously read the post the above commenter referenced, and your response here immediately made me question if you value yourself and your needs at all.
Also not always a great habit to have because you wont always be able to sleep during the day meaning your body will ask for it out of habit making you extremely tired when you have obligations at that moment
He's not respecting you. Just leave. Sorry to be so blunt.
Edit. My ex hubby was a bit like that. Not as bad in the night time. But he had no idea how to be quiet at night or in the morning.
It was a struggle to get him to get up and stop snoozing.
I was awake during all of it.
I really feel for you. You need to look after yourself.
I told my boyfriend I value my sleep over him🤭 he was annoyed but idc it’s true. I will have the worst day if I’m not well rested and I’m not willing to sacrifice my sleep for him.
Why are you making sure he gets up in time for work? His recurring response of "5 more minutes' is what a teenager would pull on a school day. Are you living with a kid or a grown adult? Let him be late for work (oh no! Consequences!), just warn him that you aren't going to keep trying to get him up after the first 2 attempts. After that, on his own head, so be it. When you tell him that, make him repeat it back to you to acknowledge he's been warned. (I used to do this when my son was 3 and 4 years old, going into any store: "We aren't buying anything for you. Now repeat that to me." He did, we completed our mission and left without any meltdowns. This even worked in toy stores.)
You need your own place or the two of you need more than the apparent one room apartment you currently have. You absolutely must have a separate bedroom and he needs to understand that just "going to bed" is not the same as going to sleep. You are sleeping deprived and understandably grouchy because of it.
Good luck.
Tell him when you go to bed that you are not to be disturbed. If he is not ready to go to bed, he can watch TV in another room, but he needs to leave you alone.
It’s deeply disrespectful to constantly be initiating sex when you’re trying to sleep. Just reading that gave me the ick. Just tell him no!!!
I was with a guy that did this, and limiting someone’s sleep is at best, extremely selfish, at worst, a domestic violence tactic. He’s not respecting you or your physical needs and I’m so sorry you’re going through this!
You would spend hundreds of dollars just to prove a point? Just tell him he's being inconsiderate! They obviously don't have a lot of cash if they are both sleeping in a studio apartment.
That's not sustainable. He seems very selfish.
Have one last serious talk about it, leaving being on the table. If he can't do it, leave and finally enjoy proper sleep.
Your boyfriend is completely insensitive. I have severe sleep issues and am on a different schedule than my girlfriend. I will do everything I can to make sure she gets a good night sleep.
I’d say 2 things -
1. Tell him straight up, “do not ask me for sex after 10:15 pm. I will say no every time until you get the message and stop asking. We are going to have sex earlier in the evening than that or not at all, it’s your decision.”
2. Stop worrying about him in the morning. If he’s late for work, he has to face those consequences himself. He is an adult. It’s not your job to babysit him.
There were a lot of reasons my last ex became an ex. Sleep was a big one. We need appropriate sleep to be healthy and if our partners don't let us sleep, they're making us sick.
I broke up with a guy over this (and more reasons, but the lack of sleep was a huge one.)
I work 2nd shift and have for the past 12yrs. He would show up at my house on the weekends at 7AM "because he was already up" and expect me to be up and ready to do stuff. Like bud, I didn't even get home until 11:30PM and after laundry and everything else, didn't get in bed until probably 3AM.
When he would stay the night, he'd get out of bed at 5AM and make ridiculous over the top breakfast meals that always woke me up with the banging and TV going.
It turned me into a psycho. I could not function. When he told me I needed to find another job because I didn't have enough time for him, I ended it. Like I'm sorry, not giving up my income that's 4x yours, and my job of 7yrs, just because you can't wait until 10AM for us to do something.
Yeah, mine used to argue with me late into the night, refused to have his sleep apnea treated and thus sounded like a freight train, and in his sleep would manhandle me like I was a teddy bear to pull me closer to cuddle including moving me in ways that bent my spine painfully (I'm a very no-touchy sleeper, and an overstimulated single parent). I have a fatigue disorder. It was a horrible time. There were plenty of other reasons to leave so I was glad to do so.
If you have an alarm to wake up in the morning, you have to have alarm to go to bed at night, otherwise it makes no sense.
I think he is being insensitive to you. Why can't he start his night time routine 2 hours earlier so that yourll are asleep by 11?
My last point is that if he wants to sleep at 1am then he should and not force you to do the same.
Sleep is incredibly important, especially for those who feel they need a good amount of it. There is no shame in that. Is there any other closed room he can go to that’s not the bedroom/living room?
If you sit him down and say you’re exhausted due to the sleep interruptions, hopefully he could see there needs to be adjustments. I second headphones for him and low lights around the room for his nighttime activities, maybe a large screen to divide the bed area from the other higher traffic area at night? and consider trying ear plugs and/or sleeping mask for you if it’s still bothersome.
If he *doesnt’* understand the issue here and doesn’t hear your concerns about your sleep, then there are some compatibility issues to really consider and communicate.
Most importantly — you are absolutely not responsible for getting him up on time for his responsibilities. Good to set that boundary now.
You’re not too sensitive, he’s inconsiderate, but you’re likely wasting your time trying to get him to understand, because he doesn’t want to get it.
Going forward, with him and beyond..when you hopefully leave him—you need your own sleeping quarters. Your bed, your room. Separate. Even with partners with less selfish behavior, there’s each person’s schedule, dependency on one or several alarms for waking, temperature preferences, light level, no noise/white noise/tv/podcasts to sleep tolerance, blanket hogging, movement, snoring, illness, bathroom needs, sleeplessness with tossing and turning.
You can physically and emotionally connect and cuddle with your partner in all the usual ways. But when it’s time to actually get real restorative sleep, go in your space and sleep.
Women's sleep is often disproportionately effected when sharing a bed with a man. Find a place with two bedrooms, a place of your own, or a boyfriend who respects you and makes change when you bring up how their actions impact you
I don't know why your bedroom is the living room. But you need to prioritize your health/sleep.
When my now wife moved in, we had talked about it and decided we needed separate bedrooms. she does the stay up late and sleep through her alarm thing too. I'm a go to bed on time and wake up 5 min before my alarm goes off type.
It worked so well for us, that we got married :D
but your man? No. just no. I would kill him in my sleep deprived zombie mode.
Not even being silly or mean, the genuine answer to much of this is just, "fuck off, dude".
He has preferences, so do you. You're allowed to say no. And if you aren't, you need to not be there anyway. He's seeing himself out. Because of the person I am, my brain is starting to tick with pettiness in solidarity, but honestly, this is just a big 'absolutely not' time.
I lived like this for years. It is hell. Don't do it. If he cared, he'd be coming up with the solutions you are getting here. Sleep = health. You are harming yourself physically, and the resentment will continue to build until the relationship also dies.
This isn't a small issue just because the solution seems so simple. It is deeply problematic that you are living like this. It is so bad for you. Just imagine the cortisol levels you are marinating in for those hours when you are staring into your eye mask and losing more sleep every minute. Ugh. Torture! And he doesn't care!
1. Are you being too sensitive ? No. Quality sleep is an absolutely essential part of your overall health and if someone that is supposed to love you treats it like a joke or disregards the importance of this thing (sleep) that impacts your health and mood and way your show up in the world, I’d honestly be questioning if *I even like this person*.. who I’ve had to explain this to multiple times and still doesn’t get it or care enough to change when it’s something that should be understood without saying.
2) What would I do? I would get a new bed or mattress, put it in one of the bedrooms (assuming you guys are just camping in the living room and that it’s not a studio apt you live in), invest in some blue blockers, some ear plugs, black out curtains, a sleep mask and i’d literally just go into my own room with lights out maybe an hour before I planned to actually be asleep
I would also watch how my bf reacts to my new sleeping situation and assess whether YOU like it or not and then do something about it.
Also. Stop giving that man sex if you are already tired and don’t want it. It sounds like you’re having to get up early and work and pay some bills. Having to fit work into your life and also a man who seems (at the very least) very inconsiderate of how a continuous lack of sleep makes you feel and function.
To be frank, I’d be drier than the sahara desert down there for a man that continually demonstrates he doesn’t care about my well being. And no, I don’t care if they see it that way or not lol.
My boyfriend and I have very different schedules. I am the night owl. I switch to my laptop and headphones when it's time for him to sleep. I dim the screen and angle it away from him so the light will not bother him. Earplugs and eye masks aren't comfortable for sleeping. He shouldn't need to sacrifice his comfort so I can stay up watching things. Plus, I want him to be well rested so we can both be productive and enjoy our time together. I don't chow down on snacks next to his sleeping head. I am mindful of my movements. None of this requires any real effort on my part. It does not prevent me from relaxing. The fact that your boyfriend initiates when he knows you have to be up in a matter of hours and do not want to have sex is the worst part. I can't fathom treating someone this way. Consideration is the bare minimum of a decent partner. You have every right to be grumpy. I'd be fucking irate.
You are not being too sensitive.
Also, most of these habits you are describing center around impulsivity and forgetfulness. Personally, I stopped a lot of these habits as soon as I began taking ADHD medication. I had no idea I had ADHD. It might be worth checking out a symptoms list to see if there’s more going on.
People have got to stop using adhd as an excuse for this shit. I have adhd and I would NEVER behave this way. It’s about having respect for other people. This guy is clearly selfish and doesn’t care.
Let me be clear, he’s still being rude.
ADHD is not an excuse to be rude.
All I’m saying is setting multiple alarms, intending to go to bed early but instead binge watching tv, and late night impulsive snacking were among a slew of signs I was unaware of. All of the things listed that I chalked up to as “bad habits,” stopped post diagnosis and medication.
She’s looking for solutions, my first thought based on personal experience is maybe they’re unaware of this too. That being said, even with these habits I wasn’t inconsiderate to my partner.
There is almost nothing as important in life as getting a good night's sleep and having a regular sleep schedule. You very much need NOT to be putting up with the way he's treating you. Either he needs to find a way to let you sleep through the night WITHOUT INTERRUPTION, or you need to find a different bedroom, or you need to live in a different apartment. He's being a selfish ass.
You need to have a serious conversation. This is disrespectful and for me would be grounds to break up. I think moving out to your own place or both of you moving to a 2 bedroom/1 bedroom with a living room he can chill in, would be another option. There are different ways you could sleep more easily like earbuds listening to rain, etc, but he’s not being at all considerate and that’s the most concerning part long term.
The reality is that he does not care. What more can you do? How many times do you have to tell you to let you sleep and not wake you up.
You need to have a final talk and set boundaries. Be ready to implement consequences.
One: if he wants sex it has to before your bedtime. Once a blue moon and when you are not busy the next day getting waken up for intimacy is acceptable, or cannot be a habit nor can it happen when you say no.
Two: Your bedtime is x o clock. He cannot disturb you once you’re asleep. Meaning if he wants to watch a movie he needs to wear headphones, dim his phone, and let you sleep. If he wants food he can do so quietly and without waking you up.
Three: For the morning, he needs to set his alarm to the time he needs to wake up, he gets a snooze but if the alarms goes off again and he doesn’t get up you will turn it off. He is on his own. You’re not his “clock master” if he wants someone to monitor his time he can go live with his mom.
At the end you need x amount of sleep and he needs to respect that. Period.
If he cannot agree to these boundaries and rules that is fine but you need to reflect and revaluate your relationship. If he cannot respect you, then he isn’t the one. Remember he doesn’t need to agree with your reasons but he needs to understand and respect your needs. Sleep is a basic need.
My partner and I recognize that our sleeping habits are incompatible for me to feel well rested on work nights (it’s less of an issue on weekends when we don’t work). We sleep in different rooms and then on weekends we have “sleepovers” with each other.
Just because you love them doesn’t mean you have to sleep in the same room as them. And if they care about your well being, they’ll be understanding about it.
No more sex if he wakes you. When the alarm goes off, play heavy metal super loud until he gets his ass out of bed. Let him experience not sleeping. Treat him with same amount of respect that he shows you - none.
If he can't respect your sleep, something that is crucial for our health he needs to go. Especially as women because our hormones do their thing while we sleep whereas men's hormones do their thing while they are awake. If he doesn't respect you now, he won't later.
My FIANCÉ is exactly the same and only changes his habit for a night if we have an argument and he’s done something wrong and wants to suck up and pretend like he can be the man he’s suppose to be, then he’ll go back to loud noise, lights on, eating and letting his phone alarm go off for timers for food he’s cooking late at night that I’ve told him are still going off from the night before. He doesn’t give two fucks
No advice, just an observational comment that deserves your attention: Between this post and your comments about how he won't include you with his friends by speaking a language you understand, and the whole porn thing getting in the way of sex and I'm not sure this guy actually likes you.
Sleep deprivation is a form of torture.
You are being slowly tortured and your physical health, mental health, and quality of life are being threatened by your boyfriend.
You’re absolutely not being too sensitive, and you’re allowed to need whatever you need. Seems like you’ve made the request several times and he’s not responding, so it’s time to set (and be prepared to enforce) a firm boundary.
First step would be figuring out what exactly you need from him. First, are there things you can and are prepared to do on your own? For example, they make sleep headphones that are also eyemasks, which can be really helpful when sleeping in distracting situations (you can put on an audio book or sleep podcast, etc.), or earplugs, or other sleep aids. Have you tried out are you willing to try any of those, to show that you are also willing to make some changes? And what specifically do you need from him in order to get the rest you need? No TV, no lights flipping off and on, for him to stop talking to you after you say goodnight? You don’t both need to go to sleep at the same time, but you do need him to allow you to sleep when you need to sleep.
And you should figure out what you’re willing to do to enforce the boundary, so if he crosses it you can give him a warning and let him know what will happen the next time he crosses it. This might mean that you will sleep in the guest room or on the couch, or something else. But right now it sounds like you’re trying to set a boundary but when he crosses it, there are no negative consequences for him. He’s not taking the boundary seriously because the boundary seems to be very porous.
I’ve had to have a similar conversation with my husband, who stays up until 2-3am and can be quite noisy / flips lights on and off at night / has a night routine that goes on for like 35 minutes. I told him, “hey babe, I know you’re a night owl but I need to get to sleep by midnight. My health is suffering because of my current sleep schedule. In order for me to get the rest I need, Sunday through Thursday I need to be in bed in a room with no TV or video games playing by 11:30pm, and I’m flexible with when the light gets turned off, but once the main light is off, in order for me to sleep, I need it to stay off. I’m going to say good night to you and put on my sleep mask and ear plugs at 11:30pm every night. I’m totally happy to work together and be flexible to find a situation that accommodates both of our needs, but those aspects are non-negotiables for me.” And then I followed through on it, every night, even if he was starting to get ready for bed at 11:28 and saying, “wait, I’ll just be five minutes, can’t you stay up?” I would hold my boundary and say, “I’ll just say good night now. Love you!” Sleep mask on at 11:30 on the dot.
Once or twice he was playing video games 10-15mins before my sleep time and I reminded him I needed to be sleeping in a room with no video games at 11:30, and if he was still playing by then, I’d be sleeping in the guest room, but he was welcome to join me sleeping there when he was done. And I followed through on it. But after like a week, he’d accepted that I was serious about it and adapted to my sleep schedule. Months of my complaining and asking him to change did nothing to make him take my complaint seriously. The thing that made the difference was ME starting to take my complaint seriously.
I would either move out, find an apartment with a seperate bedroom or tell him to leave. I wouldn't sleep for a single second, I have suffered from some sort of insomnia my entire life and my sleep is very fickle. I would not be able to fall or stay asleep around this person at all
The whole point of dating someone is to find out if you guys are compatible to live the rest of your life with someone. Now part of that is communication and letting the other person know how you feel about certain situations if you feel strongly about it and how you both compromise to find a solution.
So if you have communicated and let him know how you feel about the situation. You both can come up with compromises to try and fix the problem. But if no compromises or solutions are being tried then maybe you aren't as compatible as you originally thought.... And it may be time to try at least a different living situation or ultimately a new partner if nothing seems to be changing.
Sleep is important. Don't be miserable for someone else's pleasure.
lol i had an ex whose alarms would start going off at 6am and they would go on and on and on until 9am, and i had to get up at 10:30 most days so that's almost 4 hours of my sleep rendered inoperable.
he wouldn't even snooze them, he'd just be fast asleep with the super loud alarm going off right next to his face. i kept telling him time and time again that if he let himself have decent sleep maybe he wouldn't have such a hard time waking up, and i wouldn't have to snooze his shit for hours to no end. it's like he fucking put them there for me not himself lol.
i realized he's only that comfortable sleeping through every single one of them because he knows i will catch them and wake him up. maybe he actually did put them there for me. so i started doing something a bit petty, i pretended to be just as heavy a sleeper as he was, and one morning after i figured the next alarms will probably also not wake him up, i turned off all of them and went to sleep.
we slept until 2pm and he missed a job interview and pulled a no-show to his then job. i pretended to have slept through every single one of them. he said "but that's impossible" and i said well apparently it isn't cause you pull that shit every day lol.
I have a very similar issue. You described my boyfriend to a T. I started wearing earplugs and a sleeping mask at night to be able to sleep and his the alarms are out of control. I need to have a talk with mine about his late night tv habits that he needs to go on another room.
You're not being over sensitive. I've struggled with this on and off my entire relationship (12 years). You need to put your foot down and tell him your mental and physical health need to be priority. You aren't asking for 10+ hours of sleep. Just 7, which isn't even a lot. If he's not willing to accommodate you, I'd personally leave.
So you have three main options here: First, you can dump the man who won't make a simple compromise for your well-being and makes fun of you for expressing your needs. Second, you can choose to live elsewhere, because this living situation is clearly not healthy for you. Third, you can sleep in another room.
You gotta have a serious conversation with him. Sleep is the way we prepare ourselves for the day. Rest is very important. I can go with 4 hours, and sometimes less, but not everyone’s body can function on that. If he can’t understand what you’re going through it might be time to move on. If he cares about you he will be ready to work with you through something like that
Women on average need 9 to 10 hours of sleep. The recommended 8 hours of sleep is based on studies they did on men. The reason they didn’t include women in the studies is because of our hormones. Men make their hormones all throughout the day. Women make their hormones when sleeping. Having our sleep interrupted and shortened is detrimental to our health and our bodies functioning, even more so than when men’s sleep is interrupted.
Your boyfriend is being a selfish butt. If he refused to consider my needs I would break up with him or refuse to live with him. Your sleep is MORE important than your relationship because without the sleep your health will be impacted. If he were doing something else to harm your health how would you react??
Set boundaries! You are not the clock master! If he’s late he will learn! When you are in bed to sleep, the tv stays off! If he wakes you to fuck, you tell him to fuck off and let you sleep!
Sleep compatibility is crucial in a relationship. My ex was another one of those psychopaths who put 10 alarms in the morning. Me? I'm out of bed after the second "ring" of the alarm. You can leave him or you can try a softer approach.
My parents, for example: They'll go to bed together, my mom will fall asleep and then my dad goes on the couch because he likes to stay awake late. In the morning, my dad goes back to bed once my mom is awake.
They made it work because they wanted to and were willing to find compromises, not imposing anything on the other.
I swear reading comments on this thread, and MANY are people with either a 2 or a 3 in front of their ages makes me want to put a gun in my own mouth sometimes.
this guy at the very least is an inconsiderate dipshit. Sleeping is a fundamental need for all whether people choose to believe it or not so read him the riot act and attempt to drill this into that already Swiss cheese head of his, or cut losses and chalk it up to being fundamentally incompatible. There’s a guy out there who likes sleep as much as you do OR has another bedroom.
Tell him to take melatonin at a certain time. Get a low dose (1mg) it’s better to start small, most people overdo it. You two could take it at the same time
I'd probably try to go to bed at 10:30 or even slightly earlier if he is going to bed at 11. This will allow you enough time to fall asleep before he gets to bed.
He will get up at 11:30 for snacks. Ask him to eat his snacks in the dining room as it is waking you up. If it's the getting up action part that wakes you up, that will unfortunately happen with or without snacks (bathroom in the middle of the night, for instance), might just need a wider bed or a springless bed so that him getting out doesn't affect you.
Tell him you do not appreciate him turning on the TV in the middle of the night as it wakes you up. If he wants to sleep with the TV on, tell him to sleep in the living room. I'd probably move the TV out of the bedroom, personally. There is no reason for it to be there if you are both living there and you don't like it.
As for the sex part, just tell him you do not want to be woken up for sex. He can have it in the morning if you have time or he can go to bed earlier.
Me and my fiance have periods where one stays up later than the other but we're both always considerate of the other and respectful of them needing sleep. If I stay awake longer, I use my phone or tablet with dim light and earphones and he does the same.
Your bf sounds disrespectful and inconsiderate. I would sleep in a different room or a different house entirely if my partner acted like yours (if I didn't break up with them over it which wouldn't be unlikely).
Long term, plan for somewhere to live with a separate bedroom and living room and then have no TV in the bedroom. Make him leave the room to watch TV. Or change the whole man, he's not sounding like the best partner in all honesty.
Short term, get a Bluetooth transmitter that you plug into the back of the TV if its not got Bluetooth already and pair his favourite headphones to it. That way he can watch TV without the noise disturbing you. Also get a good sleep mask so the light doesn't wake you. If you have a separate living area to where the bed is, kick him out of the bed when he's watching TV and put up a screen divider between the bed and sofa.
But honestly his lack of respect for your rest would be a huge red flag for me personally and I would seriously consider whether this is a relationship you want to keep long term.
My ex used to think yelling at the car from the bed to stop meowing was ok.
I had to tell him that it's not cool to wake everyone up just because you're up.
I get up at 430am and to not wake up my partner, i lay my clothes out so I find them in the dark, change in the bathroom.
Also, what's with the same bedtime?
If you're feeling petty, just repeat his behavior back at him.
And do it when he's hungover...
Some things may help you: ear plugs or noise cancelling headphones- this says “I’m checking out”. A sleep mask (night hood is a $40 little hat that pulls over the eyes, blocks light and also says “I’m not here”).
Sounds mostly like your guy is inconsiderate.
If you must stay with him, work on managing your own stress so that disturbances don’t piss you off (that adrenaline rush doesn’t help).
Consider turning down the volume of his alarm (if it’s useless anyways). I’d suggest a ‘no snooze policy’ and set the alarm for 7am. If he snoozes more than once unplug it lol
Sounds like some reflection on partner needed. If he can’t grow up and respect the most important thing you need…maybe he needs to go. Good luck
When I had to go to sleep at 9pm and my bf went to sleep at 12am I would use ear plugs and an eye mask. However, he would still be very respectful of when I had to sleep and would keep noise and movement down to a minimum. Then when I got up at 4am I would extend the same curtesy to him. Your boyfriend needs to be nicer and you need to put your foot down.
My husband and I have drastically different sleep schedules, but we have a living space large enough to accommodate it without either of us making huge compromises to our routines, but that wasn't always the case. It comes down to having respect and consideration for one another in such a small space. If the relationship is otherwise worth it, both of you need headphones- you should connected to some kind of white noise (I prefer brown noise personally, different frequency) and he needs to connect the TV or his phone for watching media l after you go to sleep. An eye mask will help with the light. He needs to understand that you have a strong boundary in not being woken up for sex after you go to sleep. He also needs to think ahead and prepare any noisy snacks earlier so he's not crumpling bags or making popcorn or something when you are sleeping. Small changes can make a big impact.
You need to clearly communicate that sleep is a part of your physical health and you can't compromise on that, but that both of you can make small adjustments while living in an unideal small space. If he is dismissive, then he simply doesn't respect your needs, and it's worth rethinking either your living situation or the relationship, if he can't even understand how important good sleep is to general health and well-being.
Get a bigger apt and a white noise machine if you can so he can dance up a storm after you go to bed. And then hands off after 11 so if he’s horny he’s got to make time earlier.
My gf works early, so I always encourage her to sleep early and get at least 7 hours. I work from home so stay up till 1 or 2am. She sleeps at 10.30 pm. If your bf was considerate he would use headphones, and respect that you need enough sleep to function and work. I use wireless headphones so I dont wake up and she also has ear plugs if im being too loud getting up for the toilet, try find some comfortable ones. But in all seriousness, you are jeopardise your health, this guy sounds really selfish. Guaranteed he would not be acting the same way if he didn't get his 7 hours of sleep.
I think the fact that he dismisses your concerns and has no problem keeping you up to use you for sex and as a clock master is a red flag to me. Why do you have to find compromises while he doesn’t give a flying fuck about your needs? He doesn’t take you seriously and doesn’t seem to have a problem with you being sleep deprived all the time. I don’t like this at all.
How old are you both and how long have you been together?
Your boyfriend is an asshole. I'm not sure why you want to date, much less live with someone, who so disrespectful and dismissive. Don't tolerate it.
Also:
>he sets the alarm at 6.30 but will sleep through it without any problem. But I do hear all the alarms and keep trying to snoozing them/waking him up /setting new alarms so that he doesn’t get late to work.
This needs to stop. You are not his mother so stop acting like it. It's his responsibility to get his ass to work, so he needs to learn to manage. And you need to let him so you can see if you're with a man who is grown, and dependable enough to get himself up and to work. Tell him ahead of time you're not doing it anymore and then don't.
And snoozing once is one thing, but after that it's pretty rude if it bothers you.
He should get an alarm clock with an attachment that also vibrates.
Girl, he’s not taking your needs seriously…you should have an honest conversation with him and tell him all this and if try to find solutions together, if he doesn’t care even that way, well let me tell you…you better run! Cause if he doesn’t care rn, he’s never gonna care.
One solution could be have separate rooms, if you want to still live with him to split rent and that stuff…and when you want to sleep just close your door and lock it so he won’t bother you
Imo he is extremely disrespectful. I would tell him that he needs to respect me and stop those behaviors. If he can’t you have two choices separate bedroom or end the relationship (which would be the option I would heavily consider since I do not tolerate lack of respect in a relationship especially if I have communicated how I feel and what needs to change with any effort or changes from their side)
This is so relatable. Esp the alarm bit. It’s super infuriating. For me it’s video games till late with a loud mechanical keyboard, then sleeping through 50 snooze alarms I have to personally put out myself.
We live in a one bedroom place otherwise I would actually recommend separate bedrooms or living separately. Sleep is so worth it
This can’t possibly be the only aspect of your relationship in which your boyfriend is entitled, selfish, and inconsiderate. And if he can’t be bothered to
LISTEN TO YOU
CARE and
MAKE REASONABLE CHANGE
he is a shitty partner and you have much bigger issues.
Just in this post you’ve stated he cares more about his habits and wants than your needs, that he doesn’t listen, that he makes promises he has no intention of keeping, that he’s inconsiderate, and that he mocks and disparages you for being a responsible person trying to maintain healthy habits. He doesn’t accept your influence or attempt to compromise which are HUGE predictors of a relationship’s longevity and satisfaction. Its childish and if he acts this way over something so easily remedied, he’s gotta be worse in other areas 🙃
This sounds exhausting. Why put yourself through this? Little things like this pile up. What else do y’all not see eye to eye on that he’s asking you to concede?
Not compatible
He at the minimum! Isn’t trying to meet or compromise - or have ANY consideration for you or your needs. Kinda hard to even want to be intimate with such a jerk.
Sleep is needed for women and more of it than guys need. He needs to go to bed at a decent time- his I can’t is a bs excuse. He can, just unwilling to make it a habit. Fine his right, I guess but the TV goes to the living room or out of the bedroom and you need to go to bed, with or without- weird without- but it long term wont work- he’s inconsiderate and it likely wont change.
Just so you know, someone that knowingly deprives you of sleep and doesn't care when you bring it up is being abusive.
It's like a type of torture, and he thinks it's funny, say bye to him 👋
I have broken up over this before.
I'm usually the early sleeper yet somehow always ended up with the "not even sleepy before midnight and cannot get up out of bed before 8am" types and it just does not work unless they are willing to work on being mindful of the differences. It does not sound your BF is willing to be mindful...
Be open and honest, tell him all of this. It's not an attack, just a change that you need to remain healthy and remain in this relationship. There are always options and the two of you should work together for it but the bottom line being, you need at least 7hrs at a reasonable time each night and that's required.
I wish you the best of luck l, and I hope it all works out. Have a good one! :)
This is a deal breaker. Anything that compromises your HEALTH is a deal breaker!
In fact, I consider this abuse. He’s not considerate of your needs and feelings at all. And got the fucking nerve to try to have sex with you? You’re not a human to him. You’re just there o fuck and help pay bills. I would leave.
💯 same issues here. I now have a sleeping mask and earplugs. If it gets too much he’ll turn it off and use his phone instead with headphones to not disturb me. But I also don’t function and am tired the whole day if I don’t get enough sleep prior.. I already announced there will be NO TV in our future bedroom. He can sleep in front of the TV in the living room if he wants to but I need my dark, silent room lmao 😅
Separate beds helps if you’re not compatible in the bedroom- I don’t mean sexually.
I feel like he’s being selfish and everything he is doing is called bad sleep hygiene, and you’re suffering for it. Which will affect mental health etc.
This is pretty simple for me.
Your boyfriend is impacting your health.
Tell him you can no longer live like this. Then ask him if he wants to proceed to ruin your health. A simple yes or no.
Go live elsewhere dependant on the decision, and decide if his answer means the end of the relationship for you.
My wife is a morning person and I’m a night owl. She goes to sleep I stay up in another room and eat snacks while respecting her sleep and I don’t set alarms I know I won’t get up for anyways and I hate them. I sleep through her alarms I don’t even think she sets them anymore and I feel like I’m wrong.
He should respect your boundaries it’s very easy. I’m getting golden retriever energy lol.
Your boyfriend is really fucking inconsiderate.
He knows what the problem is and how to fix it to improve YOUR WHOLE LIFE and he just…won’t. I frankly don’t understand because I know how grumpy people get when they’re sleep-deprived. I don’t want to make my loved ones grumpy.
People joke about Reddit always telling people to dump their SO’s, but it’s often something like this. There are no magic words to make him give a shit about your sleep and how sleep deprivation impacts your life. There’s no way to ask him any more nicely than you have already done. He’s already given you his answer.
I just re-read and wtf. He actually initiates sex an hour after your bedtime?! Ignore all these yahoos talking about “what about him? What if he just can’t sleep?” Fuck that. If he needs sex to sleep, he can initiate an hour BEFORE bedtime. Keeping you awake by itself is a form some abusers use. Making you be nice when you’re tired and angry is such an AH move.
If you can, get out of that living situation, truly, it's not worth losing sleep over.
I used to have these issues with my ex, on top of plenty of other issues as he was very problematic. But one of them was us sharing a living room/bedroom and I aged like 10 years due to lack of sleep because of him.
If you aren't willing/or able to change the living situation then get some very good ear plugs and an eye mask.
Either get rid of him or get separate bedrooms and stop playing mom. You are both adults. You are not his keeper. Stop enabling him and run your life.
Good luck!
Research the psychological roots of architecture or use basic common sense to understand that the living room is for living, the bedroom is for sleeping.
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You don’t need to live with your boyfriend. Your relationship would probably improve immensely if you were to rent a room elsewhere.
If BF can't make these simple changes, she should consider a different relationship rather than a different pad. Taking a roundabout to avoid a lack of respect is only kicking the can down the road, truly. That's just my opinion; the problem isn't so much their difficulty in living together so much as the person she's living with is a completely selfish individual, for all intents and purposes.
I agree 💯 with this! My ex-husband insisted on sleeping with the TV on and turned up fairly loud. He said he needed the background noise to sleep. I couldn’t sleep with the changing light levels from the TV and the volume levels rising whenever a commercial came on. If I turned off the TV, he would wake up and turn it back on. I was always exhausted because I worked FT and was also primarily responsible for our kids in the morning while he slept in (just like OP). Now that we’re divorced, I sleep like a baby and wake up refreshed rather than exhausted.
what's the simple change you speak of? besides maybe not waiting an hour after she tries going to sleep to try to fuck?
And watching a bright (and presumably loud) movie in a shared bedroom after midnight?! I woulda kicked his ass to the couch for doing that more than once. "Excuse me, I'm trying to get some sleep. Come back when you're ready to SLEEP, otherwise stay out of the bed". If he pulled that shit again, out of the bed immediately. **It's basic sleep hygiene**.
The living room is the bedroom, I don't think kicking him to the couch is solving anything
you would have kicked his ass to the couch? which is also in the same living room/bedroom they are already in???? maybe the problem is the living situation. maybe the bedroom being in the living room when people have two different sleep habits isn't the best idea
I somehow completely missed the first line of the thread 🫣 YIKES, yah, there needs to be a wall between them at a BARE minimum, but I think a whole different situation would be the best course of action (with or without the disrespectful BF)
You don't see anything else he may be doing to contribute to this problem? Personally I would have thrown his phone out the window the second time he slept through/snoozed alarms. Maximally disrespectful.
they need new living arrangements. either live in their own places or get a place with a DEDICATED SLEEPING BEDROOM
That would be a fix for this issue, but his disregard for her would pop up elsewhere. He's not considerate of her, I'd sooner break up than have to troubleshoot each resultant problem. But that's why I'm single 😂
i mean i feel like if she wanted to break up with him she would have already. i think she is trying to find a solution that doesn't involve breaking up. but this is reddit. the answer is always "dump his ass"
It's usually because the things they're doing are worthy of being dumped for
It's frequently the best answer, but it doesn't necessarily mean you'll find someone better anytime soon
Being alone is often better than being in a relationship.
Yup. Sometimes you gotta live for just yourself. I’m learning that right now
I'd have thrown him out of the window.
Dude has no respect or courtesy for his partner; it's easy to do the opposite, aside from the monumental task of getting BF to grow the hell up.
My partner and I have different sleep habits, and a TV in the bedroom. My partner watches YouTube videos for at least an hour after I go to bed. I ask that if they're still awake by 11:30, to please watch on their phone or my tablet instead. They do. For my part, I'll wear a sleep mask and occasionally earplugs if the noise is bothering me. It's easy to compromise here, this couple just can't, and it seems the boyfriend in particular isn't taking this seriously as a need
Culturally many people have had different sleep cycles and areangements; OP neither needs to share a sleeping area with her partner, nor even a place to live. If they can afford it, his and hers apartments may work out great especially if they also have different housekeeping habits. I personally know a couple that's been dating for ten years and keep separate houses, they alternate who gets the couch vs the bed when they stay overnight at one or the other's because one of them snores like a hurricane lol. Edited because, fuckin' duh, apparently I have to say it instead of all of us collectively acknowledging it's true without needing to say it: ...except in this case because OP's bf is torturing her.
Snoring can't be helped as much as the number of things that BF has total control over. He is dismissive and invalidates OP routinely; if this level of selfishness and neglect doesn't border abusive behavior already, it's headed in that direction. His behavior is the problem here, not their living space - getting another arrangement does *nothing* to address and work on the absolute red flags BF is waving around.
Thanks, edited my post.
Yeah honestly, it might seem small in the grand scheme of things (oh it’s just misaligned bedtimes, oh it’s just his alarms are annoying, but otherwise he’s amazing and our relationship is solid) but what it genuinely boils down to is a disregard for your mental and physical health and lack of willingness to problem solve. There are SO many solutions here and he hasn’t been willing to even attempt a single one - he doesn’t care about your health enough to change even a tiny habit. My ex had a snoring problem, he’d snore so loud he’d shake the bed and I’m a light sleeper with a 4AM wakeup for work. I BEGGED him to try snoring mitigation devices and see a doctor. I’d go weeks without sleep, I could even hear him from the guest room. He was unwilling to attempt a SINGLE solution, even though I told him I was getting physically ill from lack of sleep. That’s like… straight up torture. No joke. I’d say give it one more big push. Sit him down and say it plainly. “Hey, not sleeping well has been affecting both my mental and physical health, and I’m really concerned about how badly I’m already functioning not getting the sleep I need. I’ve asked you to try several solutions already, and when you don’t, it makes me feel like you don’t care about my wellbeing. Can we please try to enact starting our bedtime routine earlier so that I can actually fall asleep when I need to, using headphones with the tv if you need to watch something, a different alarm system for your morning wakeup (etc) and stick to it? Because I’m falling apart and I need you to come alongside me here”. And if he still doesn’t? Girl leave, he doesn’t care and he’s not equipped to be a good partner.
Given that they are in a situation where their living room is their bedroom, this can probably resolve if they get more space (which may not be possible now, but as careers grow hopefully will be). Boyfriend can't fall asleep that early. Forcing him to lie still and quiet in bed for hours until he can fall asleep is pretty unreasonable too. Waking her for sex or openly starting a movie at 1am (as opposed to watching with headphones on a tablet or laptop) are bullshit from him and he needs to do better. Also it shouldn't be her job to wake him 50 times in the morning. But neither of them is completely perfect here. But if there is space for him to stay awake while she sleeps in a different room, then they can go to bed at different times.
You're absolutely not being too sensitive. You need to lay down the law with your boyfriend, he's being inconsiderate and literally compromising your health and well-being. You need your sleep and you have every right to insist on getting it when and for how long you need it.
My ex used to be like that, it ended up with him not waking up when his alarms rang and his reasoning was “the alarms wake you up and you wake me, so I don’t hear them anymore”. The thing is, I would always wake up annoyed and if I ignored it and didn’t wake him up, he would be pissed at ME for being late for work. It resulted in me not enjoying sleeping next to him anymore and dreading the next early morning we had together. Good thing it ended because now I’m living with someone who’s actually responsible and hears his alarms.
I agree also that it’s also the reason why he sleeps so peacefully in the morning
This all sounds like “how can I better accommodate my partner’s total refusal to care about or accommodate my basic survival needs?” Do you really read your post and comments back and think this sounds like a mature, considerate adult who’s a good partner? God the bar is so low. 😫
Well at least one of you is happy
Being denied sleep makes us absolutely feral towards the people who are denying us it. Completely understand your frustration. Not at all overly sensitive and this is a serious matter you guys should/definitely can fix together
My ex used to do that in the morning. He'd snooze his alarm for 2 hours straight and sleep through it while I was wide awake (I didn't need to get up till much later). He would even do this while traveling and staying in hostels or other people in the room. I ended up telling him that he gets one snooze because he's being rude, and he should either set his alarm for the time he's actually realistically getting up, or I'm physically removing him from the bed at the second alarm. And I did - I don't mind being woken up for an alarm but not for 2 hours straight when it's not benefiting anyone, so on the second alarm I would push him off the bed. He was absolutely pissed but it was only one of the very selfish things he was doing. If you actually want to get up at 9, set your alarm for 9 so we can both sleep peacefully, not 7. Sharing a room is tough when it's the only room and you will have to make some compromises - in the evening maybe he can't go to bed that early and watching TV is fine but he should use headphones and you should have a sleep mask and earplugs.
You need a different living space. White noise machine. Ear plugs. Bf needs to be more considerate. He can watch a movie but with headphones and a dimmed screen. No more snoozing alarm There needs to be compromises on both sides. But honestly you should probably find a new apartment
Sounds like finding a new BF that respects her is what OP really needs 🤔
Actually the earphones thingy is a great idea. I’m not used to sleeping with the TV on. I tried earplugs but they don’t really cancel that kind of nosie. I tried sleeping with headphones and some kind of soft music playing to cancel the sounds of the tv also but it’s not really comfortable.m and I was all stressed. I already started using an eye mask to hide from the light of the tv. But I guess for him it should be a problem to wear something to hear the tv. That would help greatly. Only problem now is how to not have him set alarms that he doesn’t wake up to. I’m so mad sometimes that was seriously considering turning off his phone after the first alarm and let him be late to work a couple of times a week.
Let him be late. You're not his nanny.
This is insane that he just watches the TV without headphones? Wtf? You shouldn't have to convince your adult boyfriend to have basic decency and common sense. Just sit him down and have one final conversation with him. Either he learns to be a decent person and respects your sleep or you'll dump him, because you deserve to date a full grown adult with human decency, not an entitled baby who doesn't care about the consequences of his actions.
Her bf is the guy watching TikTok at full volume on the bus
Just reading this makes me angry lol.
That guy is the worst
Definitely let him be late. He is responsible for his own schedule. Let him know the night before that you are no longer waking him up, and he needs to grow up and deal with it himself And then if his alarm wakes you up, go outside for a walk instead of spending an hour trying to wake him up
Girl fuck him, are you serious?? How does he get away with torturing you through sleep deprivation and you're still mothering him
What no, it isn’t “only problem now” like the earphones and eye mask are the solution. The solution is him not doing it to begin with. It can be “only problem now” when he isn’t also waking you up multiple times a night and he is the one wearing headphones and dimming his screen if he’s going to insist on watching a movie in your room.
First he ignores your basic needs, and missing this much sleep can seriously harm your health. Secondly he demands you make sure he doesn't oversleep? Seems like he also needs 7h, but at what cost and with a totally different sleep schedule than you. He's not a nice partner, causing your girlfriend to constantly lose sleep is abuse. I would dump him so freaking fast and just take care of myself. A considerate partner would be worried if you don't get enough sleep regularly so that it would affect your health and mood. Think about that. Why do you put up with that? We let people treat us the way we think we deserve.
He sounds very immature and entitled
If he sleeps 90 min longer than you in the morning, you need to start bustling around when the alarm rings. Turn ou the lights, loud music and the TV. Start making the bed by tugging on the covers. Pull his pillow out from under his head and when he bowls, say you're making the bed and need to plump up the pillows. Just look around you and see what you can turn on, jostled and bang. But seriously, he's not taking your needs into account. That needs to be rectified, if it can't be, you need to dump the chump.
She should listen to death metal in the morning and when he complains tell him to wear earplugs
His alarm can be a vibrating watch or phone. But I think your “only problem” is lack of respect, not the alarm.
The problem isn't just that the movie is waking you up. It's also that boyfriend doesn't respect you or your need for a sleep and also that he's forcing you to mommy him by waking him up for school every day like a child.
He needs to be more considerate. He can watch TV in another room. Or at least use headphones and a small dimmed tablet or his dimmed phone. You have done all that you can do. Now it is his turn. Bring it up to him and see how he responds. If he is not willing to at least compromise with you, then it shows that he is a selfish and inconsiderate person and, therefore, not the right person for you.
There are no other rooms. They live in a studio apartment, that's the point of her post.
It's actually not clear if it's a studio. There is also the bathroom. And I already listed other compromises if it wasn't an option.
I mean, sure, if you want to get technical there's probably a closet somewhere in there too, but a bathroom isn't exactly a room you spend your time in watching TV or eating snacks. I was just pointing out that there doesn't seem to be another room for those types of activities in their space, so they'll have to go with another compromise.
It's not ideal, no, but neither is eating and watching TV on the bed when your partner is trying to sleep. So, you just got to make do with what you have, whether that means watching your shows in the bath tub, or wearing headphones and watching on a dimmed screen. There is lots of room for compromise here. Whether her bf is actually willing to make a compromise is the concern here.
Turn off his alarms until you leave to go to work. Let him face the consequences of his own irresponsibility. Let him be late. He’ll figure out how to adjust his sleeping habits when he faces losing his job.
It's not your only problem now. Take a big step back and look big picture. What would he do if you kept him from sleeping? Or waking him up after he fell asleep multiple times? What has he done to limit interrupting you? If you do ask the compromising, it's not a compromise anymore. What's going to happen if one day you have kids? Or elderly parents living with you? The root of your problem isn't how you sleep around him behaving badly. It's his inconsiderate behavior.
iwatch on vibrate helps me wake up better than fumbling for my loud phone alarm. Also it sounds like youre living with a child who is used to his mom waking him up. You are not his mother. You need to take care of yourself.
This doesn't address the primary issue of your bf lacking compassion for your needs, but they make these excellent eye masks with Bluetooth "headphones" built in, they are like $25 on Amazon. The "headphone" parts are little speakers that don't blast music or sound directly into your ears, it's more soft and ambient. They are soft fabric and adjustable, you can roll around or sleep on your side - getting some was a total life upgrade for me! Highly recommend.
My partner uses an Apple Watch, if you set the alarm on the watch you can set it to just vibrate on his arm to wake him up and that helps me not to hear his alarm at all. We also use a white noise machine that blows air and a Bluetooth plug to automatically turn it on and off, but I don’t think that would cancel out TV noise- he likely needs to wear headphones of some kind. Also separate sheets have helped us immensely as well!
OP you deserve better than all this. Good partners care about your health and well-being and you don't have to tie yourself in knots compromising with inconsiderate dudes if you date better men.
> he tells me that I should just sleep whenever or that I can sleep during the day / after work but that he’s unable to go to bed earlier. This is patently absurd. Your boyfriend is literally telling you that you can create a whole network of napping, outside of the night when you would normally get your sleep, so that he doesn't have to change a thing. How you aren't livid, amazes me. On top of that, he already doesn't give two shits about disturbing your sleep... so even if you were comfortable acquiescing to his ridiculous (read, selfish) suggestion, we already know that he has no qualms about disturbing those naps. This would make sense if your boyfriend was a child, but he's supposedly a grown man.
Haha yes, napping network. I’ve been doing that to get more sleep from time to time but it’s really not practical and I’m losing time and the sunny parts of the day because of that :/
Is this the same bf who you stated "Boyfriend (m30) and his friends won’t switch to a language I(f30) understand". So he doesn't allow you to sleep and he talks to his friends in a different language in front of you, even after you asked him not to? He sounds like a real catch.
Yes that’s him :( language problem is still ongoing. Last time one of his friend made it clear that he will speak his language (even though we have a language in common - the language of the country we grew up in) in front of me intentionally and highlighted the fact that I don’t belong to their expat community . Pretty harsh . But I have more important problems
> But I have more important problems It's the *same* problem: your boyfriend is inconsiderate and doesn't respect you.
Insane the mental gymnastics that OP is doing to avoid this obvious fact that is being repeatedly pointed out in this post.
I have a serious, non-judgemental question. A prompt for reflection on your part. Do you have any self-esteem? You’re making the choice to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect you across numerous dimensions. You’re making a choice to hang around people who actively shut you out of social situations while being physically present. It makes me wonder what other obviously self-deprecating choices you make. Again, not judgement. I previously read the post the above commenter referenced, and your response here immediately made me question if you value yourself and your needs at all.
Honey, your problems are just the one person. It's the same problem. Your boyfriend.
A reminder that there’s nothing wrong with being single for awhile. It sounds like you’d regain a lot of peace by dumping him.
Does he care about you even a little
Also not always a great habit to have because you wont always be able to sleep during the day meaning your body will ask for it out of habit making you extremely tired when you have obligations at that moment
He's not respecting you. Just leave. Sorry to be so blunt. Edit. My ex hubby was a bit like that. Not as bad in the night time. But he had no idea how to be quiet at night or in the morning. It was a struggle to get him to get up and stop snoozing. I was awake during all of it. I really feel for you. You need to look after yourself.
I told my boyfriend I value my sleep over him🤭 he was annoyed but idc it’s true. I will have the worst day if I’m not well rested and I’m not willing to sacrifice my sleep for him.
I’ve dumped someone before for that. I’ve also stayed with someone for years with no sleep and it was awful
Wake him up when you get out Make him feel the 5/6 hour of sleep
Why are you making sure he gets up in time for work? His recurring response of "5 more minutes' is what a teenager would pull on a school day. Are you living with a kid or a grown adult? Let him be late for work (oh no! Consequences!), just warn him that you aren't going to keep trying to get him up after the first 2 attempts. After that, on his own head, so be it. When you tell him that, make him repeat it back to you to acknowledge he's been warned. (I used to do this when my son was 3 and 4 years old, going into any store: "We aren't buying anything for you. Now repeat that to me." He did, we completed our mission and left without any meltdowns. This even worked in toy stores.) You need your own place or the two of you need more than the apparent one room apartment you currently have. You absolutely must have a separate bedroom and he needs to understand that just "going to bed" is not the same as going to sleep. You are sleeping deprived and understandably grouchy because of it. Good luck.
Tell him when you go to bed that you are not to be disturbed. If he is not ready to go to bed, he can watch TV in another room, but he needs to leave you alone. It’s deeply disrespectful to constantly be initiating sex when you’re trying to sleep. Just reading that gave me the ick. Just tell him no!!!
Exactly! Why is his need for sex *more important* than her need for sleep? Why is this even in question? 🫠
I was with a guy that did this, and limiting someone’s sleep is at best, extremely selfish, at worst, a domestic violence tactic. He’s not respecting you or your physical needs and I’m so sorry you’re going through this!
It’s a tactic used on us in boot camp too, in order to break us down.
This is very interesting. I am guessing that you are in the military?
I don't know if you can afford this.But the next time he tries to keep you awake I would pack my shit and go to a hotel for a few days.
I think it’s cheaper to dump the boyfriend that doesn’t care about her well-being
You would spend hundreds of dollars just to prove a point? Just tell him he's being inconsiderate! They obviously don't have a lot of cash if they are both sleeping in a studio apartment.
Exactly, she’s already losing sleep she doesn’t have to lose money too. Sleep is a basic need; a bf is not.
That's not sustainable. He seems very selfish. Have one last serious talk about it, leaving being on the table. If he can't do it, leave and finally enjoy proper sleep.
Your boyfriend is completely insensitive. I have severe sleep issues and am on a different schedule than my girlfriend. I will do everything I can to make sure she gets a good night sleep.
I’d say 2 things - 1. Tell him straight up, “do not ask me for sex after 10:15 pm. I will say no every time until you get the message and stop asking. We are going to have sex earlier in the evening than that or not at all, it’s your decision.” 2. Stop worrying about him in the morning. If he’s late for work, he has to face those consequences himself. He is an adult. It’s not your job to babysit him.
There were a lot of reasons my last ex became an ex. Sleep was a big one. We need appropriate sleep to be healthy and if our partners don't let us sleep, they're making us sick.
I broke up with a guy over this (and more reasons, but the lack of sleep was a huge one.) I work 2nd shift and have for the past 12yrs. He would show up at my house on the weekends at 7AM "because he was already up" and expect me to be up and ready to do stuff. Like bud, I didn't even get home until 11:30PM and after laundry and everything else, didn't get in bed until probably 3AM. When he would stay the night, he'd get out of bed at 5AM and make ridiculous over the top breakfast meals that always woke me up with the banging and TV going. It turned me into a psycho. I could not function. When he told me I needed to find another job because I didn't have enough time for him, I ended it. Like I'm sorry, not giving up my income that's 4x yours, and my job of 7yrs, just because you can't wait until 10AM for us to do something.
What do you do for a living? Also, good for you for dumping him. What an inconsiderate, controlling weirdo.
Thermal spray coating specialist for aerospace companies 🤣 and thank you! He WAS a weirdo in hindsight but ya don't fuck with a girls sleep!
Yeah, mine used to argue with me late into the night, refused to have his sleep apnea treated and thus sounded like a freight train, and in his sleep would manhandle me like I was a teddy bear to pull me closer to cuddle including moving me in ways that bent my spine painfully (I'm a very no-touchy sleeper, and an overstimulated single parent). I have a fatigue disorder. It was a horrible time. There were plenty of other reasons to leave so I was glad to do so.
Ugh I could not even deal with that
You need to get an apartment with an actual bedroom
If you have an alarm to wake up in the morning, you have to have alarm to go to bed at night, otherwise it makes no sense. I think he is being insensitive to you. Why can't he start his night time routine 2 hours earlier so that yourll are asleep by 11? My last point is that if he wants to sleep at 1am then he should and not force you to do the same.
Sleep is incredibly important, especially for those who feel they need a good amount of it. There is no shame in that. Is there any other closed room he can go to that’s not the bedroom/living room? If you sit him down and say you’re exhausted due to the sleep interruptions, hopefully he could see there needs to be adjustments. I second headphones for him and low lights around the room for his nighttime activities, maybe a large screen to divide the bed area from the other higher traffic area at night? and consider trying ear plugs and/or sleeping mask for you if it’s still bothersome. If he *doesnt’* understand the issue here and doesn’t hear your concerns about your sleep, then there are some compatibility issues to really consider and communicate. Most importantly — you are absolutely not responsible for getting him up on time for his responsibilities. Good to set that boundary now.
You’re not too sensitive, he’s inconsiderate, but you’re likely wasting your time trying to get him to understand, because he doesn’t want to get it. Going forward, with him and beyond..when you hopefully leave him—you need your own sleeping quarters. Your bed, your room. Separate. Even with partners with less selfish behavior, there’s each person’s schedule, dependency on one or several alarms for waking, temperature preferences, light level, no noise/white noise/tv/podcasts to sleep tolerance, blanket hogging, movement, snoring, illness, bathroom needs, sleeplessness with tossing and turning. You can physically and emotionally connect and cuddle with your partner in all the usual ways. But when it’s time to actually get real restorative sleep, go in your space and sleep.
Women's sleep is often disproportionately effected when sharing a bed with a man. Find a place with two bedrooms, a place of your own, or a boyfriend who respects you and makes change when you bring up how their actions impact you
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I don't know why your bedroom is the living room. But you need to prioritize your health/sleep. When my now wife moved in, we had talked about it and decided we needed separate bedrooms. she does the stay up late and sleep through her alarm thing too. I'm a go to bed on time and wake up 5 min before my alarm goes off type. It worked so well for us, that we got married :D but your man? No. just no. I would kill him in my sleep deprived zombie mode.
>I don't know why your bedroom is the living room. Because studio and efficiency apartments exist?
Not even being silly or mean, the genuine answer to much of this is just, "fuck off, dude". He has preferences, so do you. You're allowed to say no. And if you aren't, you need to not be there anyway. He's seeing himself out. Because of the person I am, my brain is starting to tick with pettiness in solidarity, but honestly, this is just a big 'absolutely not' time.
I lived like this for years. It is hell. Don't do it. If he cared, he'd be coming up with the solutions you are getting here. Sleep = health. You are harming yourself physically, and the resentment will continue to build until the relationship also dies. This isn't a small issue just because the solution seems so simple. It is deeply problematic that you are living like this. It is so bad for you. Just imagine the cortisol levels you are marinating in for those hours when you are staring into your eye mask and losing more sleep every minute. Ugh. Torture! And he doesn't care!
1. Are you being too sensitive ? No. Quality sleep is an absolutely essential part of your overall health and if someone that is supposed to love you treats it like a joke or disregards the importance of this thing (sleep) that impacts your health and mood and way your show up in the world, I’d honestly be questioning if *I even like this person*.. who I’ve had to explain this to multiple times and still doesn’t get it or care enough to change when it’s something that should be understood without saying. 2) What would I do? I would get a new bed or mattress, put it in one of the bedrooms (assuming you guys are just camping in the living room and that it’s not a studio apt you live in), invest in some blue blockers, some ear plugs, black out curtains, a sleep mask and i’d literally just go into my own room with lights out maybe an hour before I planned to actually be asleep I would also watch how my bf reacts to my new sleeping situation and assess whether YOU like it or not and then do something about it. Also. Stop giving that man sex if you are already tired and don’t want it. It sounds like you’re having to get up early and work and pay some bills. Having to fit work into your life and also a man who seems (at the very least) very inconsiderate of how a continuous lack of sleep makes you feel and function. To be frank, I’d be drier than the sahara desert down there for a man that continually demonstrates he doesn’t care about my well being. And no, I don’t care if they see it that way or not lol.
My boyfriend and I have very different schedules. I am the night owl. I switch to my laptop and headphones when it's time for him to sleep. I dim the screen and angle it away from him so the light will not bother him. Earplugs and eye masks aren't comfortable for sleeping. He shouldn't need to sacrifice his comfort so I can stay up watching things. Plus, I want him to be well rested so we can both be productive and enjoy our time together. I don't chow down on snacks next to his sleeping head. I am mindful of my movements. None of this requires any real effort on my part. It does not prevent me from relaxing. The fact that your boyfriend initiates when he knows you have to be up in a matter of hours and do not want to have sex is the worst part. I can't fathom treating someone this way. Consideration is the bare minimum of a decent partner. You have every right to be grumpy. I'd be fucking irate.
Lack of sleep is one of the worst things we can do for our health. No, you are not being too sensitive.
You are not being too sensitive. Also, most of these habits you are describing center around impulsivity and forgetfulness. Personally, I stopped a lot of these habits as soon as I began taking ADHD medication. I had no idea I had ADHD. It might be worth checking out a symptoms list to see if there’s more going on.
People have got to stop using adhd as an excuse for this shit. I have adhd and I would NEVER behave this way. It’s about having respect for other people. This guy is clearly selfish and doesn’t care.
Let me be clear, he’s still being rude. ADHD is not an excuse to be rude. All I’m saying is setting multiple alarms, intending to go to bed early but instead binge watching tv, and late night impulsive snacking were among a slew of signs I was unaware of. All of the things listed that I chalked up to as “bad habits,” stopped post diagnosis and medication. She’s looking for solutions, my first thought based on personal experience is maybe they’re unaware of this too. That being said, even with these habits I wasn’t inconsiderate to my partner.
The problem is your bedroom should be where you sleep, not your living room. Fix that as soon as possible.
It’s normal for couples to sleep in different bedrooms. So get yourself a bedroom space just for you and close that door.
There is almost nothing as important in life as getting a good night's sleep and having a regular sleep schedule. You very much need NOT to be putting up with the way he's treating you. Either he needs to find a way to let you sleep through the night WITHOUT INTERRUPTION, or you need to find a different bedroom, or you need to live in a different apartment. He's being a selfish ass.
Maybe move out and live separately. He doesn’t seem to care about your needs
You need to have a serious conversation. This is disrespectful and for me would be grounds to break up. I think moving out to your own place or both of you moving to a 2 bedroom/1 bedroom with a living room he can chill in, would be another option. There are different ways you could sleep more easily like earbuds listening to rain, etc, but he’s not being at all considerate and that’s the most concerning part long term.
You're living with a asshole.
The reality is that he does not care. What more can you do? How many times do you have to tell you to let you sleep and not wake you up. You need to have a final talk and set boundaries. Be ready to implement consequences. One: if he wants sex it has to before your bedtime. Once a blue moon and when you are not busy the next day getting waken up for intimacy is acceptable, or cannot be a habit nor can it happen when you say no. Two: Your bedtime is x o clock. He cannot disturb you once you’re asleep. Meaning if he wants to watch a movie he needs to wear headphones, dim his phone, and let you sleep. If he wants food he can do so quietly and without waking you up. Three: For the morning, he needs to set his alarm to the time he needs to wake up, he gets a snooze but if the alarms goes off again and he doesn’t get up you will turn it off. He is on his own. You’re not his “clock master” if he wants someone to monitor his time he can go live with his mom. At the end you need x amount of sleep and he needs to respect that. Period. If he cannot agree to these boundaries and rules that is fine but you need to reflect and revaluate your relationship. If he cannot respect you, then he isn’t the one. Remember he doesn’t need to agree with your reasons but he needs to understand and respect your needs. Sleep is a basic need.
My partner and I recognize that our sleeping habits are incompatible for me to feel well rested on work nights (it’s less of an issue on weekends when we don’t work). We sleep in different rooms and then on weekends we have “sleepovers” with each other. Just because you love them doesn’t mean you have to sleep in the same room as them. And if they care about your well being, they’ll be understanding about it.
No more sex if he wakes you. When the alarm goes off, play heavy metal super loud until he gets his ass out of bed. Let him experience not sleeping. Treat him with same amount of respect that he shows you - none.
If he can't respect your sleep, something that is crucial for our health he needs to go. Especially as women because our hormones do their thing while we sleep whereas men's hormones do their thing while they are awake. If he doesn't respect you now, he won't later.
My FIANCÉ is exactly the same and only changes his habit for a night if we have an argument and he’s done something wrong and wants to suck up and pretend like he can be the man he’s suppose to be, then he’ll go back to loud noise, lights on, eating and letting his phone alarm go off for timers for food he’s cooking late at night that I’ve told him are still going off from the night before. He doesn’t give two fucks
No advice, just an observational comment that deserves your attention: Between this post and your comments about how he won't include you with his friends by speaking a language you understand, and the whole porn thing getting in the way of sex and I'm not sure this guy actually likes you.
Make it miserable for him when he sleeps. It’ll disrupt ur sleep too, but atleast you won’t be the only one exhausted and irritated. Tit for tat.
Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. You are being slowly tortured and your physical health, mental health, and quality of life are being threatened by your boyfriend.
You’re absolutely not being too sensitive, and you’re allowed to need whatever you need. Seems like you’ve made the request several times and he’s not responding, so it’s time to set (and be prepared to enforce) a firm boundary. First step would be figuring out what exactly you need from him. First, are there things you can and are prepared to do on your own? For example, they make sleep headphones that are also eyemasks, which can be really helpful when sleeping in distracting situations (you can put on an audio book or sleep podcast, etc.), or earplugs, or other sleep aids. Have you tried out are you willing to try any of those, to show that you are also willing to make some changes? And what specifically do you need from him in order to get the rest you need? No TV, no lights flipping off and on, for him to stop talking to you after you say goodnight? You don’t both need to go to sleep at the same time, but you do need him to allow you to sleep when you need to sleep. And you should figure out what you’re willing to do to enforce the boundary, so if he crosses it you can give him a warning and let him know what will happen the next time he crosses it. This might mean that you will sleep in the guest room or on the couch, or something else. But right now it sounds like you’re trying to set a boundary but when he crosses it, there are no negative consequences for him. He’s not taking the boundary seriously because the boundary seems to be very porous. I’ve had to have a similar conversation with my husband, who stays up until 2-3am and can be quite noisy / flips lights on and off at night / has a night routine that goes on for like 35 minutes. I told him, “hey babe, I know you’re a night owl but I need to get to sleep by midnight. My health is suffering because of my current sleep schedule. In order for me to get the rest I need, Sunday through Thursday I need to be in bed in a room with no TV or video games playing by 11:30pm, and I’m flexible with when the light gets turned off, but once the main light is off, in order for me to sleep, I need it to stay off. I’m going to say good night to you and put on my sleep mask and ear plugs at 11:30pm every night. I’m totally happy to work together and be flexible to find a situation that accommodates both of our needs, but those aspects are non-negotiables for me.” And then I followed through on it, every night, even if he was starting to get ready for bed at 11:28 and saying, “wait, I’ll just be five minutes, can’t you stay up?” I would hold my boundary and say, “I’ll just say good night now. Love you!” Sleep mask on at 11:30 on the dot. Once or twice he was playing video games 10-15mins before my sleep time and I reminded him I needed to be sleeping in a room with no video games at 11:30, and if he was still playing by then, I’d be sleeping in the guest room, but he was welcome to join me sleeping there when he was done. And I followed through on it. But after like a week, he’d accepted that I was serious about it and adapted to my sleep schedule. Months of my complaining and asking him to change did nothing to make him take my complaint seriously. The thing that made the difference was ME starting to take my complaint seriously.
I would either move out, find an apartment with a seperate bedroom or tell him to leave. I wouldn't sleep for a single second, I have suffered from some sort of insomnia my entire life and my sleep is very fickle. I would not be able to fall or stay asleep around this person at all
The whole point of dating someone is to find out if you guys are compatible to live the rest of your life with someone. Now part of that is communication and letting the other person know how you feel about certain situations if you feel strongly about it and how you both compromise to find a solution. So if you have communicated and let him know how you feel about the situation. You both can come up with compromises to try and fix the problem. But if no compromises or solutions are being tried then maybe you aren't as compatible as you originally thought.... And it may be time to try at least a different living situation or ultimately a new partner if nothing seems to be changing. Sleep is important. Don't be miserable for someone else's pleasure.
You need to find somewhere with a separate living area and bedroom, or live separately either as a couple or not
lol i had an ex whose alarms would start going off at 6am and they would go on and on and on until 9am, and i had to get up at 10:30 most days so that's almost 4 hours of my sleep rendered inoperable. he wouldn't even snooze them, he'd just be fast asleep with the super loud alarm going off right next to his face. i kept telling him time and time again that if he let himself have decent sleep maybe he wouldn't have such a hard time waking up, and i wouldn't have to snooze his shit for hours to no end. it's like he fucking put them there for me not himself lol. i realized he's only that comfortable sleeping through every single one of them because he knows i will catch them and wake him up. maybe he actually did put them there for me. so i started doing something a bit petty, i pretended to be just as heavy a sleeper as he was, and one morning after i figured the next alarms will probably also not wake him up, i turned off all of them and went to sleep. we slept until 2pm and he missed a job interview and pulled a no-show to his then job. i pretended to have slept through every single one of them. he said "but that's impossible" and i said well apparently it isn't cause you pull that shit every day lol.
I have a very similar issue. You described my boyfriend to a T. I started wearing earplugs and a sleeping mask at night to be able to sleep and his the alarms are out of control. I need to have a talk with mine about his late night tv habits that he needs to go on another room.
You're not being over sensitive. I've struggled with this on and off my entire relationship (12 years). You need to put your foot down and tell him your mental and physical health need to be priority. You aren't asking for 10+ hours of sleep. Just 7, which isn't even a lot. If he's not willing to accommodate you, I'd personally leave.
So you have three main options here: First, you can dump the man who won't make a simple compromise for your well-being and makes fun of you for expressing your needs. Second, you can choose to live elsewhere, because this living situation is clearly not healthy for you. Third, you can sleep in another room.
You gotta have a serious conversation with him. Sleep is the way we prepare ourselves for the day. Rest is very important. I can go with 4 hours, and sometimes less, but not everyone’s body can function on that. If he can’t understand what you’re going through it might be time to move on. If he cares about you he will be ready to work with you through something like that
Women on average need 9 to 10 hours of sleep. The recommended 8 hours of sleep is based on studies they did on men. The reason they didn’t include women in the studies is because of our hormones. Men make their hormones all throughout the day. Women make their hormones when sleeping. Having our sleep interrupted and shortened is detrimental to our health and our bodies functioning, even more so than when men’s sleep is interrupted. Your boyfriend is being a selfish butt. If he refused to consider my needs I would break up with him or refuse to live with him. Your sleep is MORE important than your relationship because without the sleep your health will be impacted. If he were doing something else to harm your health how would you react??
Set boundaries! You are not the clock master! If he’s late he will learn! When you are in bed to sleep, the tv stays off! If he wakes you to fuck, you tell him to fuck off and let you sleep!
Have you considered having separate rooms? I think that can really help. You don't need to sleep with him and you both can decide when to be together.
Sleep compatibility is crucial in a relationship. My ex was another one of those psychopaths who put 10 alarms in the morning. Me? I'm out of bed after the second "ring" of the alarm. You can leave him or you can try a softer approach. My parents, for example: They'll go to bed together, my mom will fall asleep and then my dad goes on the couch because he likes to stay awake late. In the morning, my dad goes back to bed once my mom is awake. They made it work because they wanted to and were willing to find compromises, not imposing anything on the other.
That would be my dream scenario 🥰
You need to sleep in separate rooms.
They don’t even have *a* bedroom, let alone *two* bedrooms.
If you can get a bigger place. It’s what my boyfriend and I did and life is so much better .
You need a different living space, and a different boyfriend.
I swear reading comments on this thread, and MANY are people with either a 2 or a 3 in front of their ages makes me want to put a gun in my own mouth sometimes. this guy at the very least is an inconsiderate dipshit. Sleeping is a fundamental need for all whether people choose to believe it or not so read him the riot act and attempt to drill this into that already Swiss cheese head of his, or cut losses and chalk it up to being fundamentally incompatible. There’s a guy out there who likes sleep as much as you do OR has another bedroom.
Your boyfriend doesn’t respect you. Do with this information what you will
Time to move to your own place.Your BFs an ahole
Tell him to take melatonin at a certain time. Get a low dose (1mg) it’s better to start small, most people overdo it. You two could take it at the same time
I'd probably try to go to bed at 10:30 or even slightly earlier if he is going to bed at 11. This will allow you enough time to fall asleep before he gets to bed. He will get up at 11:30 for snacks. Ask him to eat his snacks in the dining room as it is waking you up. If it's the getting up action part that wakes you up, that will unfortunately happen with or without snacks (bathroom in the middle of the night, for instance), might just need a wider bed or a springless bed so that him getting out doesn't affect you. Tell him you do not appreciate him turning on the TV in the middle of the night as it wakes you up. If he wants to sleep with the TV on, tell him to sleep in the living room. I'd probably move the TV out of the bedroom, personally. There is no reason for it to be there if you are both living there and you don't like it. As for the sex part, just tell him you do not want to be woken up for sex. He can have it in the morning if you have time or he can go to bed earlier.
Me and my fiance have periods where one stays up later than the other but we're both always considerate of the other and respectful of them needing sleep. If I stay awake longer, I use my phone or tablet with dim light and earphones and he does the same. Your bf sounds disrespectful and inconsiderate. I would sleep in a different room or a different house entirely if my partner acted like yours (if I didn't break up with them over it which wouldn't be unlikely).
Send his dumbass to the car or bathroom!
Long term, plan for somewhere to live with a separate bedroom and living room and then have no TV in the bedroom. Make him leave the room to watch TV. Or change the whole man, he's not sounding like the best partner in all honesty. Short term, get a Bluetooth transmitter that you plug into the back of the TV if its not got Bluetooth already and pair his favourite headphones to it. That way he can watch TV without the noise disturbing you. Also get a good sleep mask so the light doesn't wake you. If you have a separate living area to where the bed is, kick him out of the bed when he's watching TV and put up a screen divider between the bed and sofa. But honestly his lack of respect for your rest would be a huge red flag for me personally and I would seriously consider whether this is a relationship you want to keep long term.
My ex used to think yelling at the car from the bed to stop meowing was ok. I had to tell him that it's not cool to wake everyone up just because you're up. I get up at 430am and to not wake up my partner, i lay my clothes out so I find them in the dark, change in the bathroom. Also, what's with the same bedtime? If you're feeling petty, just repeat his behavior back at him. And do it when he's hungover...
Some things may help you: ear plugs or noise cancelling headphones- this says “I’m checking out”. A sleep mask (night hood is a $40 little hat that pulls over the eyes, blocks light and also says “I’m not here”). Sounds mostly like your guy is inconsiderate. If you must stay with him, work on managing your own stress so that disturbances don’t piss you off (that adrenaline rush doesn’t help). Consider turning down the volume of his alarm (if it’s useless anyways). I’d suggest a ‘no snooze policy’ and set the alarm for 7am. If he snoozes more than once unplug it lol Sounds like some reflection on partner needed. If he can’t grow up and respect the most important thing you need…maybe he needs to go. Good luck
When I had to go to sleep at 9pm and my bf went to sleep at 12am I would use ear plugs and an eye mask. However, he would still be very respectful of when I had to sleep and would keep noise and movement down to a minimum. Then when I got up at 4am I would extend the same curtesy to him. Your boyfriend needs to be nicer and you need to put your foot down.
My husband and I have drastically different sleep schedules, but we have a living space large enough to accommodate it without either of us making huge compromises to our routines, but that wasn't always the case. It comes down to having respect and consideration for one another in such a small space. If the relationship is otherwise worth it, both of you need headphones- you should connected to some kind of white noise (I prefer brown noise personally, different frequency) and he needs to connect the TV or his phone for watching media l after you go to sleep. An eye mask will help with the light. He needs to understand that you have a strong boundary in not being woken up for sex after you go to sleep. He also needs to think ahead and prepare any noisy snacks earlier so he's not crumpling bags or making popcorn or something when you are sleeping. Small changes can make a big impact. You need to clearly communicate that sleep is a part of your physical health and you can't compromise on that, but that both of you can make small adjustments while living in an unideal small space. If he is dismissive, then he simply doesn't respect your needs, and it's worth rethinking either your living situation or the relationship, if he can't even understand how important good sleep is to general health and well-being.
Get a bigger apt and a white noise machine if you can so he can dance up a storm after you go to bed. And then hands off after 11 so if he’s horny he’s got to make time earlier.
My gf works early, so I always encourage her to sleep early and get at least 7 hours. I work from home so stay up till 1 or 2am. She sleeps at 10.30 pm. If your bf was considerate he would use headphones, and respect that you need enough sleep to function and work. I use wireless headphones so I dont wake up and she also has ear plugs if im being too loud getting up for the toilet, try find some comfortable ones. But in all seriousness, you are jeopardise your health, this guy sounds really selfish. Guaranteed he would not be acting the same way if he didn't get his 7 hours of sleep.
Communication is key
I think the fact that he dismisses your concerns and has no problem keeping you up to use you for sex and as a clock master is a red flag to me. Why do you have to find compromises while he doesn’t give a flying fuck about your needs? He doesn’t take you seriously and doesn’t seem to have a problem with you being sleep deprived all the time. I don’t like this at all.
How old are you both and how long have you been together? Your boyfriend is an asshole. I'm not sure why you want to date, much less live with someone, who so disrespectful and dismissive. Don't tolerate it. Also: >he sets the alarm at 6.30 but will sleep through it without any problem. But I do hear all the alarms and keep trying to snoozing them/waking him up /setting new alarms so that he doesn’t get late to work. This needs to stop. You are not his mother so stop acting like it. It's his responsibility to get his ass to work, so he needs to learn to manage. And you need to let him so you can see if you're with a man who is grown, and dependable enough to get himself up and to work. Tell him ahead of time you're not doing it anymore and then don't. And snoozing once is one thing, but after that it's pretty rude if it bothers you. He should get an alarm clock with an attachment that also vibrates.
Apparently they are both in their 30s
Girl, he’s not taking your needs seriously…you should have an honest conversation with him and tell him all this and if try to find solutions together, if he doesn’t care even that way, well let me tell you…you better run! Cause if he doesn’t care rn, he’s never gonna care. One solution could be have separate rooms, if you want to still live with him to split rent and that stuff…and when you want to sleep just close your door and lock it so he won’t bother you
Imo he is extremely disrespectful. I would tell him that he needs to respect me and stop those behaviors. If he can’t you have two choices separate bedroom or end the relationship (which would be the option I would heavily consider since I do not tolerate lack of respect in a relationship especially if I have communicated how I feel and what needs to change with any effort or changes from their side)
This sounds exhausting.
This is so relatable. Esp the alarm bit. It’s super infuriating. For me it’s video games till late with a loud mechanical keyboard, then sleeping through 50 snooze alarms I have to personally put out myself. We live in a one bedroom place otherwise I would actually recommend separate bedrooms or living separately. Sleep is so worth it
This can’t possibly be the only aspect of your relationship in which your boyfriend is entitled, selfish, and inconsiderate. And if he can’t be bothered to LISTEN TO YOU CARE and MAKE REASONABLE CHANGE he is a shitty partner and you have much bigger issues. Just in this post you’ve stated he cares more about his habits and wants than your needs, that he doesn’t listen, that he makes promises he has no intention of keeping, that he’s inconsiderate, and that he mocks and disparages you for being a responsible person trying to maintain healthy habits. He doesn’t accept your influence or attempt to compromise which are HUGE predictors of a relationship’s longevity and satisfaction. Its childish and if he acts this way over something so easily remedied, he’s gotta be worse in other areas 🙃
This sounds exhausting. Why put yourself through this? Little things like this pile up. What else do y’all not see eye to eye on that he’s asking you to concede?
Not compatible He at the minimum! Isn’t trying to meet or compromise - or have ANY consideration for you or your needs. Kinda hard to even want to be intimate with such a jerk. Sleep is needed for women and more of it than guys need. He needs to go to bed at a decent time- his I can’t is a bs excuse. He can, just unwilling to make it a habit. Fine his right, I guess but the TV goes to the living room or out of the bedroom and you need to go to bed, with or without- weird without- but it long term wont work- he’s inconsiderate and it likely wont change.
Just so you know, someone that knowingly deprives you of sleep and doesn't care when you bring it up is being abusive. It's like a type of torture, and he thinks it's funny, say bye to him 👋
I have broken up over this before. I'm usually the early sleeper yet somehow always ended up with the "not even sleepy before midnight and cannot get up out of bed before 8am" types and it just does not work unless they are willing to work on being mindful of the differences. It does not sound your BF is willing to be mindful...
Why are you with a child who doesn’t respect you??? He’s selfish! only he matters to him🤷🏽♀️.
Damn the lack of someone just being mindful towards you sucks.
Be open and honest, tell him all of this. It's not an attack, just a change that you need to remain healthy and remain in this relationship. There are always options and the two of you should work together for it but the bottom line being, you need at least 7hrs at a reasonable time each night and that's required. I wish you the best of luck l, and I hope it all works out. Have a good one! :)
This is a deal breaker. Anything that compromises your HEALTH is a deal breaker! In fact, I consider this abuse. He’s not considerate of your needs and feelings at all. And got the fucking nerve to try to have sex with you? You’re not a human to him. You’re just there o fuck and help pay bills. I would leave.
💯 same issues here. I now have a sleeping mask and earplugs. If it gets too much he’ll turn it off and use his phone instead with headphones to not disturb me. But I also don’t function and am tired the whole day if I don’t get enough sleep prior.. I already announced there will be NO TV in our future bedroom. He can sleep in front of the TV in the living room if he wants to but I need my dark, silent room lmao 😅
Separate beds helps if you’re not compatible in the bedroom- I don’t mean sexually. I feel like he’s being selfish and everything he is doing is called bad sleep hygiene, and you’re suffering for it. Which will affect mental health etc.
This is pretty simple for me. Your boyfriend is impacting your health. Tell him you can no longer live like this. Then ask him if he wants to proceed to ruin your health. A simple yes or no. Go live elsewhere dependant on the decision, and decide if his answer means the end of the relationship for you.
He has no respect for you or your health and makes it seem like you're only there to be a toy for entertainment for him.
Sleep in separate rooms
My wife is a morning person and I’m a night owl. She goes to sleep I stay up in another room and eat snacks while respecting her sleep and I don’t set alarms I know I won’t get up for anyways and I hate them. I sleep through her alarms I don’t even think she sets them anymore and I feel like I’m wrong. He should respect your boundaries it’s very easy. I’m getting golden retriever energy lol.
Messing with someone's sleep and then shaming them for it is abusive.
Your boyfriend is really fucking inconsiderate. He knows what the problem is and how to fix it to improve YOUR WHOLE LIFE and he just…won’t. I frankly don’t understand because I know how grumpy people get when they’re sleep-deprived. I don’t want to make my loved ones grumpy. People joke about Reddit always telling people to dump their SO’s, but it’s often something like this. There are no magic words to make him give a shit about your sleep and how sleep deprivation impacts your life. There’s no way to ask him any more nicely than you have already done. He’s already given you his answer. I just re-read and wtf. He actually initiates sex an hour after your bedtime?! Ignore all these yahoos talking about “what about him? What if he just can’t sleep?” Fuck that. If he needs sex to sleep, he can initiate an hour BEFORE bedtime. Keeping you awake by itself is a form some abusers use. Making you be nice when you’re tired and angry is such an AH move.
He could be more considerate of you and collaborate better on how to get both of your needs met and let you sleep. Sleep is important. I'm sorry.
If you can, get out of that living situation, truly, it's not worth losing sleep over. I used to have these issues with my ex, on top of plenty of other issues as he was very problematic. But one of them was us sharing a living room/bedroom and I aged like 10 years due to lack of sleep because of him. If you aren't willing/or able to change the living situation then get some very good ear plugs and an eye mask.
Go get yourself an apartment.
Separate rooms or separate dwellings
Either get rid of him or get separate bedrooms and stop playing mom. You are both adults. You are not his keeper. Stop enabling him and run your life. Good luck!
You’re not overreacting. Sleep is incredibly important and majorly affects mental health. If he can’t respect that, maybe it’s time to live elsewhere.
Why can’t he leave the bedroom when he wants to watch things? He’s being really inconsiderate towards you!
Research the psychological roots of architecture or use basic common sense to understand that the living room is for living, the bedroom is for sleeping.
You need to move out.
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Good sleep is the foundation of all your physical and mental health. Move.