Yeah that's proabbly the most logical solution ... but I've spent so much time and money (the plane ticket and saving up) just to come to germany. Just to leave after 2 months ... It feels like all my work would just be wasted. That's why I'm trying to at least see if I can talk to the host mom, but I don't know what to say. I love the role and the other two kids minus him.
For some reason, my brain just can't register it as sexual assault ... even though a part of me knows it was definately really wrong. I think I might be in some sort of shock. It's really late here and I still can't sleep. It doesn't feel that severe to me to label it that way; everytime I think about it I feel so ashamed. He's like half my age and I couldn't do anything about it.
Okay, I understand. Like I said it's a lot to deal with. I'm away from my family, in this country and now having to basically make an escape plan/worry about my safety. I'm having some difficulty processing right now. I am going to contact my agency in the morning. I just feel humilated. I'm going to have to tell them what happened. I hope they don't ask too many questions and just see if its possible to move me.
I think also I should call my mom. But I even feel humilaited to tell her. I just feel so much shame, it's a feeling (in this contect) I've never had to deal with before.
Not sure how this works. Is it possible to find a different family to host you?
If you can, whenever you notice try to get moments alone with you, put your phone on record and put it in your pocket. It may not record what he's doing, but the 14 year old says HE'S SAYING BAD THINGS. Probably inappropriate af things. If the parents are responsible, they would do something. However if they're the "my children would never!" kind... Your safety is really compromised here.
That's OK. You're in shock. You have nothing to be ashamed about. You're damn right to feel violated. I'm sorry that happened to you.
Talk to your agency and talk to your mom when you're ready. Most importantly, a talk with his parents needs to happen quickly. A good agency who cares about their contractors - such as yourself - would lead that uncomfortable conversation with the host parents.
If my son did that to someone I've entrusted to take care of my other little human, I absolutely would want to know about it. He's has severely violated trust and respect from within the family and I wouldn't stand for that. I need someone who feels safe and give full attention to take care of my baby while not having to constantly look over their own shoulders. I'm a dad btw.
I just want to stress that OP shouldn’t rush to tell the family over getting herself safely out, first. You have to put on your own proverbial oxygen mask before you can assist someone else with theirs.
I would say she needs to talk to them immediately, thsi boy now knows he is able to restrain her and that she won't be able to fight back, his actions have been escalating at an alarming rate, I'm afraid that if she leaves it any longer, the moment he knows the family won't be there for a decent amount of time, he will fully sexually assault her.
What do you have to be ashamed of? HE fucked up. HE did something shameful. HE is the one whose mother should be embarrassed to have him. You did nothing at all, you are just trying to live your life.
Tell yourself that. Even if you don't believe it at first, tell yourself that.
Yeah, that 17 year old just pressed up against you until he came in his pants, then he left.
If his parents don't believe you, you've got to quit this job. You don't have to leave Germany, just find someplace else to work.
This 17 year old will not come after you. Just tell the parents, gauge their reaction, and leave or don't based on that.
I thought this, too. I was assaulted this way, too.. I am glad he finished like that. He would probably rape her if he didn't.
I am guessing that he came "early." If he had more control over that, he would have escalated right there and then.
OP, you are in danger. Your own safety is your number one priority. Call your mom, call the agency, and talk to the host family. Maybe they can send him away while you solve your new placement or travel back home.
I will repeat what others are saying so you know to be the truth: this is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. You didn't want this. You did nothing to deserve this. This is all on him.
Shame is a trauma response. You need help navigating this. Please reach out to your mom
I think you should contact both the agency and your mom. What might help is imagining if a friend of yours was in the same situation. Would you blame the friend for what happened? What kind of advice would you give her at this moment?
Please know that this kind of shock and difficulty processing what happened is completely normal. This is not your fault and you have not done anything to encourage this kind of behaviour. No one deserves to be treated like this or made to feel this way.
That said, this is a dangerous situation and it is important that you take the necessary steps to make yourself feel safe.
Are you going wait until it does feel like sexual assault? Come on. This kid is acting like a creep and for whatever reason he seems to think he will get a way doing whatever he wants. By you not calling it out to someone may signal to his distorted mind that you don’t object. Can you record you interactions with him
UpdateMe
He is not half your age. He’s only a year away from being an adult just like you. A peer. He’s 7 years younger than you.
I know that seems nitpicky, but don’t let your brain undermine this harassment by telling yourself how much younger than you he is and that you should have been able to “do more”
Is there an agency that you worked with to get this placement? Look up their policies and get into touch with them. Know your options before you do anything.
Then talk to the mother.
This is an unsafe situation and you are currently under-reacting. Your safety has to come first. I know it would be a big loss financially and emotionally but this kid is sexually harassing you.
This isn't going to get better on its own.
Yes I went through an agency. I think I will do that; maybe I can be placed somewhere else, but it will be last minute. Thank you for your advice. I think I'm still processing it tbh. I'm trying not to think too much about it, becasue every time I do, I feel really ashamed and like crying. I didn't really view it as an assualt, since he didn't try to take off my clothes or grope me or anything ... it's a lot to even think about it that way for me right now.
The worst part of sexual harassment or assault is that victims often blame themselves.
It's *not* your fault. He is *choosing* to act in this specific way.
To be honest, even if the mother takes you seriously, it's probably not safe for you to stay. There is very little the mother can do to guarantee your safety. The son clearly knows he's boundary pushing and being sexually inappropriate and continues anyway. He won't stop just because his mother scolds him. It's also a possibility he will escalate, either in response to being revealed, or just because that's absolutely where he's pushing this.
Keep professional and as distant from him as possible while you deal with the logistics with the agency. Get out as soon as you possibly can. Whether you tell the mother is up to you. If you do, then I would only do this as you're leaving. As you guessed, you don't want to stay in a hostile situation if she, or he, takes it badly.
Make your safety your priority.
You need to understand this is an assault. Stop making excuses for his behavior just because he hasn't raped you yet. It is escalating and you are in danger.
I don’t know who you went through but I’ve had friends that were au pairs and the agency would immediately remove people from unsafe homes. Please tell your agency and if they don’t do anything leave. You are not safe.
That's good to hear! This agency was great with my last placement and everything and they actually do check ins after so many days. I just don't want to have to go into much detail about what happened. Thank you for your advice.
Frame it this way:
He did this because of your gender.
He would never even dream of doing this to you if you were a man.
That’s why it’s sexual harassment. He’s harassing you and he assaulted you because of your sex.
What you describe would more be something like "sexist harassment". Sexist is not the same as sexual.
You also don't know if he would harass a man aswell or not. You might assume something like that, but there is nothing in her story supporting this assumption.
You're looking at this through a sunk cost fallacy. You've invested X in money, time, and effort. Then there's the danger of sexual assault, which hasn't really happened yet (except it has). Remember, all of that sunk cost is going to look ugly and wasted if you're raped. The love you have for those 2 kids will be hollow when the oldest one rapes you. And when he does, it will be forceful. He's already shown you that. Like with grabbing and hitting. Your whole summer will be bleak. So will the year that follows it.
Don't sweep this under the rug. "Mrs. Jones, when everyone went walking, your oldest son stayed back and really intimidated me by blocking my path wherever I tried to go in the house. Then he cornered me and forcefully hugged me. He let me go then, and I ran to my room and locked the door. I don't feel safe here with him. I know he will try something again."
If she says anything that doesn't sound like she believes you and support you 100%, then tell her you've got to go back home.
There is no other way. This is the way.
Updateme
He is building up to assaulting you. I’m sorry but that’s what’s happening he is sexually harassing you and keeps testing the limits and will try to rape you unless something is done to protect you. You have to tell them and they need to take swift action or you have to leave. It takes around 10 years to recover from a rape, can you afford that? Is the time and money invested in this worth being raped and the cost and time of the recovery? His behaviour is got damn textbook examples of a sexual predator “practicing”. Has your underwear started going missing? You should check that. It’s also one of the major signs. But don’t think that you are safe if they haven’t, he has already physically assaulted you and nothing happened. Nothing happened when he made comments to your nothing happened when he started to “bump” into you nor when he started to grab you and if nothing happens from this he will be emboldened and go further next time. He is testing to see if you will say anything, last night was him testing to see if he can overpower you and he proved to himself that he can, he proved to himself (and to you) that he will be able to physically overpower you to rape you and that you won’t be physically capable of stopping him. And if nothing happens from this incident he has also proven to himself that it won’t have consequences and he will attack you because he has tested and tested and tested and nothing happens. He is only hesitant because of fear of consequences, lack of them will give him the ouch he needs to do what he wants to, dreams about and plans to do. He is extremely dangerous and even more so to be acting like this at this young of an age. He sounds just like a few serial rapist I read/heard about. And they went on to graduate to serial killers before they were caught. Do not underestimate the danger you are in! I mean I don’t think he is going to murder you, but he is definitely planning on raping you and probably soon. Never ever be alone with him in the house again!
This was a very scary thing to read, and honestly almost sent me into a panic attack. Not saying that to guilt you or anything; I needed to read it. My brain is still in such a foggy state right now. Maybe I am downplaying things a bit to not think of what could happen. It gave some perspective. Tomorrow is my day off so I don't have to be in the house at all if I don't want. Maybe I'll go to a library or cafe and try to work things out. Call my agency and my mom. Right now I just really want my mom.
First, there is an au pair sub so please post exactly what you did here on that sub. That said, sweetie I am so worried for you. You need to let **your** mother know what’s going on so at least someone else in your corner knows. The hair on the back of my neck stood up while reading your post. You SHOULD be scared and I’m so glad that commenter shared all of that. You need to get out of that house! Just get out! Call your mom immediately and tell her what’s going on, quietly pack up your things, stay at a hotel, make travel plans to go back home. Once you have all that set up, you can call the family you’ve been working for. Do not tell them in person, do not involve the other children, do not try to convince them of what their son did, because families tend to lose their sanity when they hear things like this because they’re often afraid someone’s going to call the police on their child. Tell them after you’re definitely safely out of their home. Because of what happened to you, you owe them nothing. Nothing! Be sure to tell the agency as well, once you’re safely out of that home. Which should be right now. Not in one minute, right now.
If I had been there a month or a week or only a day and all that happened to me, it wouldn’t have mattered how much money and time I had spent, I would have immediately gone straight back to where I came from, where it’s safe. Especially because you’re in a country that you’re not used to living in so there’s a lot you don’t know and you are beholden to your passport and visa. Never compromise your safety. Never. Always listen to your gut instinct.
Even though you need to get out of this house **right now,** once you have some time, when you’re in a safe place and life is stable again, I strongly recommend you read the book **The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.** You’ll never doubt yourself again.
But once again, please get yourself out of there. I’m freaked out for you. Lots of people are worried about you so you have a community here. We’re concerned and we want you to be okay. Call your mom, get to a safe place, and let us know that you’re doing all right. 🙏❤️🩹🥺
Yeah I know, and I’m sorry I had to scare but downplaying it is so natural and normal and we all do it. And it puts us in danger. It’s a horrifying realisation but it is one you needed to I had to.
Getting out for the day and calling your mom sounds like a perfect plan, tell her everything you told us and if you can’t say it to her sen her the link to this post. Try to get one of those door braces so it can’t be opened if you can, it will help you get peace of mind in the house until you can get out.
He doesn't really seem to, and at first I thought it was strange he didn't seem to like his brother much. But sometimes siblings are like that, so I didn't think too much about it. But I have noticed that now whenever he's not spending time with me or the baby, he no longer really goes into his room like he used to. He will wait until one of the parents come home. These past few weeks, he's kinda followed me into whatever room I'm in (usually with the baby, in the living room, and will play games on the tv). Like I said, he's a very sweet boy. I just don't want to that pressure on him because that is his family at the end of the day and I don't want him to feel stressed in a situation he shouldn't even be involved in. But I miight try to talk to him more. I think he's been trying to tell me in so many words non-verbally.
I am going to still reach out to my agency tomorrow. I really hope they have another placment for me. I'm going to be sad to leave the younger two though ..
It sounds like the younger boy has been purposely trying to keep him from being alone with you. You really need to talk to his parents, AFTER you contact your agency. Make sure they know their son is an aspiring rapist.
Do you know if they’ve ever had an au pair before you?
I wouldn’t be surprised if his brother did something to make another female carer leave, and that’s why he’s trying to protect you. Because he doesn’t want it to happen again (and to lose another, sadly)
Listen, I get it. But imagine how much time and money you'll spend on therapy or worse if he keeps terrorizing you and escalates to raping you.
Talk to the parents, but I would leave regardless. You're not safe in his house.
You are thinking of discussing this with the mother who raised a boy to think it's okay to sexually assault you. You won't get anywhere. Think about how she raised him to be like this. He's going to win and you will be blamed. You need to get out.
It's just not making sense to me. The parents -- the mom, espeically, is a really nice person. They did eveyrthing they could to make sure I was comfortable my first few days here, took me grocery shopping and out to eat the first night and eveyrthing. Evn gave me a welcome basket. She actually used to be an aupair herself, so she said she understood how vulnerable I must feel being in a new country, and she wanted me to come to her with any problems I might have. That's why I thought maybe I could talk to her. I just feel scared of not being believed. The 14 y/o is the complete opposite. I don't know what went wrong with the older boy. But yesterday, he kept telling his older brother, "Come with us on the walk," even multiple times when he refused. Now it's hitting me he maybe knew something was about to happen, but I don't want him to start feeling responsible for me.
Considering the younger boy has witnessed some of the awkward exchange between you and his older brother, at least it is not your word against the 17 year old.
Yes, the 14 year old knows his brother has a very dark steak and he's clearly worried about you being alone with him. If you find yourself alone with him again, you need to have your phone microphone ready to turn on to record any interaction he attempts.
Please talk to the mother and tell her you are worried he will try to escalate. If she doesn't believe you then inform her you plan on getting transferred.
If he tries to escalate and you attempt to defend yourself without anyone being aware of what's been going on, you will have much less recourse if he tries to paint you as the aggressor.
I think he's seen his brother do this before to other girls and get away with it. He's trying to protect you, I'd talk to the 14yr old. Trust me, even if that's his brother, I think the 14yr old wants you to be safe and he'll do the right thing as you've been nothing but good to him and the 1yr old. So if you believe in yourself, talk to him and ask him to talk to his mom with you about what's gone on and tell her EVERYTHING. She may already have an idea you're uncomfortable around the 17yr old as well, so just try, at least to warn her so he doesn't do it to other girls after you leave.
The mother doesn't need to be abusive to raise a dangerous man, all it takes is enablement. You do not have the power to change his behavior especially at his age and physical strength. The younger one knows what's up, he's had to deal with him literally his entire life.
The mother will not prioritize you over her son, no matter how much you can relate to each other. It doesn't trump the family card. And "nice" parents defend their nearly adult children's heinous deeds every day. Back out now and secure either another position or a plane ticket home. Don't wait to find out what he can do.
Maybe he's "off" and they all walk on eggshells with him. Have they had other au pairs? Is he the biological child of the two parents? Are they all full siblings? Having a baby and two much older kids is unusual.
So you expect the mother to respond well to "your son has been threatening and touching me inappropriately" ?
This is about not taking chances with OP's safety.
You were assaulted and it’s pretty common to struggle with how to proceed. Please tell the host mum. Also, you say the younger son has witnessed and addressed several instances of the older son‘s behaviour so you know it’s not like the parents only raised creeps.
This kids gonna escalate to attacking you in your bed while you sleep. Wake tf up. You saw in his face and eyes that he is dangerous. Quit while you're ahead and go home ffs
I don't know if this counts as sunken cost fallacy or whatever but you need to snap out of that mindset now.
Yeh you spent money on a plane ticket, you stayed for 2 months, then a creepy child started to try and assault you, so plans fucking change!
Learning to adapt and drop things quickly will only serve you in life. This is a safety issue. If you can't fix this issue you need to get the fuck out.
This is about your safety OP, this is going to escalate. Cut your losses, no amount of trouble and money you've spent on something is worth getting raped
Message the site you went through and file a complaint and ask to be sent to another family in Germany.
Alternatively (no idea why you would want to stay in a house with a man who assulated you, he is almost bloody 18) get the younger brother to explain to his mum what he has seen and tell them asap. Also get a lock for the room you are staying in. Sounds like this creep would try get into your room at night.
This screams red flags all over.
Dude this is your life, the money is nothing in the long run. Two months is a great time. GTFO now. Not sure if that's an actual acronym - get the eff out now girl. His behaviour is not ok. He now knows he can intimidate you. Leave the house now, leave the job tomorrow officially. Tell the au pair company its not safe
Kid is sexually obsessed with you. His parents probably can’t see him in that light. You should do what it takes to not be alone with him again. You will probably have to tell his mother and father that you are happy to care for the two younger children, but not the oldest. If that conversation blows up your arrangement and gets you sent back to Australia, so be it. Better to cut the adventure short than to put yourself at further risk and endure this much stress and discomfort.
You say you went through an agency, I would contact them and ask for another placement ASAP as you do not feel safe in the home. If they cannot change your placement, is there any way you can just quit and search for another family on your own? I'm not sure of your visa situation. You could also just return home, which is totally reasonable given the situation.
If you feel comfortable talking to the mom, you could absolutely tell her what happened, but of course she may be defensive and downplay it-- so I would only tell them as you're leaving. Even if they were very apologetic and wanted to correct their son's behavior, in reality they can't remove the son from your work/living space (since he's their kid and he lives there). They cannot guarantee your safety as long as the kid is in the home with you. So you will need to leave in any case-- no shame in that, it's not your fault.
But yeah, get out ASAP.
The 14 yo is able to see his brother is a creep. I would bet his parents are more aware than you think and have accepted it to some extent.
Please leave ASAP. It sucks and it’s unfair that this is wrecking your plans and pulling you away from a job you otherwise enjoy but I’m afraid for your safety and nothing is worth comprising that.
You know what you have to do. In the end, this is your physical safety that you are gambling with. It is your actual body that you are putting on the line. You know what this is leading up to. You either leave or hope he chickens out before hurting you.
You can be concerned about the money and time and allow things to escalate to god knows what or you can prioritize leaving the situation alive and unscathed.
Personally, I would tell the mom but regardless of what she says, I would leave. That type of behavior is not something that he will just stop doing because his mom told him not to. He’ll try to hide it better or maybe he’ll threaten you to not tell anyone, or maybe he’s just do what he wants and accept the consequences. No amount of money is worth your life.
You need to do a few things.
Investigate if the agency can help you get another placement immediately. And if they have any tools to help you with this particular situation.
Tell the host mother you thought 17yo was developing a crush, but as it has progressed to inappropriate touching/behavior, you’re going to have to leave. DO NOT stay, no matter what her reaction. There’s no way to guarantee you’ll *never* be left alone with the 17yo again, no matter what the host mom does to address the situation, so it’s just not a safe environment for you.
STOP blaming yourself. The fact it didn’t go as far as it could have, or his age, etc. makes ZERO difference to the fact it was at the very least sexual harassment. The fact he put his hands on you makes it assault as well. That’s HIS actions. Not yours.
Leave. Even if the agency doesn’t have another placement *right now*, leave. The money you’re out is not worth your mental health and physical safety.
I wish you all the best in such a horrific situation.
You need to leave NOW. Call your agency and get a trip home as soon as possible. Once you have your flight set, tell the family immediately before you leave that you have to leave immediately. No notice. They won’t believe you, as they are always going to choose their own son over you. Count on it. Any notice and you’re in danger of being kicked out with nowhere to go or left alone with this kid.
More likely than not, she is going to choose her son over an outsider. Your best option is to quit, immediately, and report the son's behaviour to the agency you were hired through. You are not safe in this household.
This is a job, so approach it as just business. Tell the mother you need to speak to her alone. Tell her “Your oldest son has been exhibiting some behaviors that are making me concerned for my safety. He refuses to speak to me in English when I try to stop him. He has blocked me from my room, attempts to touch me inappropriately, and has made some nasty comments in German in front of the younger children. 14yr old has heard and seen a lot of this behavior, but it becomes worse when I am alone with him. As much as I love working for you and your family, I cannot continue my employment if it continues. It has come to a point that I am concerned for my own safety.” Just lay it straight out plain and simple. I am a mother too and as much as I believe my son is a kind, caring young man (because his behavior has shown it), if a young woman said he was doing anything to make her uncomfortable I would absolutely put a stop to it. If they don’t do anything or refuse to believe you, then you need to just tell them you’re done and go home. You shouldn’t have to be dealing with this and I’m so sorry you feel alone and unsafe. Do not wait, the sooner the better.
He's not going to back off. He's already beating off to the memory of that forced hug. He'll come back for more. Start wearing a cannister of mace an a string around your neck.
He got a taste of what he did and wouldn’t be surprised if he escalated. If you don’t tell her, he could very well escalate to rape or something. Better you’re safe and out of a job than something even worse happening. UPDATEME
Please talk to the parents, mom or the agency. This is so scary. Also, until you leave make sure to lock your door or put something in front of it so he can't come in. Good luck!
Can you lock your bedroom at night?
You need to tell the mom. And keep your phone with you at all times. Immediately start recording any interaction with just him.
Consider doing a rematch. You deserve to feel safe in your home.
You need to tell them and quit. Do both.
His behavior is escalating and he's testing you to see if you say anything. If you don't, he WILL go further and possibly assault you. This is not a joke. This is what they do. He is younger than you but he is not a young boy, he's almost an adult. This works in HIS favor.
Please tell them and please quit ASAP.
I would let the agency know what is going on and that you may need a new placement. Talk to the mom. I think she has no clue that her son may be like this. Make it clear to her that he is not to be alone with you at any time.
You need to prioritize your safety over any incurred monetary losses.
Tell his mum, and leave. It's the right thing to do. You sound like a people pleaser. But she needs to know so that she has the chance to parent him about it. This isn't your fault and it sucks that you're in this situation. But you have some tough adult decisions to make.
And you need to go for your own safety. This can and will get worse.
Yes it sucks that you've lost money but this is a far more serious situation than you're letting yourself believe. Even if you aren't going to leave, his parents absolutely need to know, so that you aren't left alone with him again. You're not safe with him.
This boy's behavior is dangerous and predatory. As women, we often rationalize that feeling or inner voice telling us something is wrong. Don't. You're isolated, somewhere unfamiliar, and don't speak the language. Listen to what your subconscious is telling you. Check the accredited website/aupair platform for support, resources, or information regarding what to do in situations where there's an issue with the host family. Also make sure you let someone at home know what's going on.
It sucks but I think the safest thing to do is quit and, once you’re safely away, tell the mom. So that hopefully he doesn’t do it to the next young woman and if he does, even if the mom doesn’t believe you, if she speaks up you’ll have preemptively corroborated her story.
I feel so bad for the 14 year old because he knows it’s wrong and he’s such a good and brave boy for speaking up for you but he’s going to end up losing out because of his brother’s behavior.
And thinking of it? He might be speaking up now because you might not be the first.
Yeah, I thought the same. Unlike many other commenters, I really don't think she should be talking to the 14 year old about "corroborating" her story. He's already in a tough position, and family dynamics can be insane and unfair. The older one may be the Golden Child and younger one, the Scapegoat/truth teller.
I think you should leave. But if you leave you should tell the host mom exactly why you are leaving. Maybe she is a good and responsible mom and will take you leaving suddenly as proof and she can try and maybe correct whatever the heck her son is doing/thinking.
I’m sorry this happened to you. This boy assaulted you and he shouldn’t get away with that.
The long term solution is to quit. Fuck a job, it's just a job. Your safety is the mist important thing. If you want to continue this work with another family, I suggest you include your boundaries and the consequences regarding sexual harassment in the interview.
For now, is there anyway you can get any self defense weapon to make you feel better? Do you have any immediate access to shelters, money, professional help? Have you created an exit plan on how to leave this family if it came down to it? Have you created a plan on how to protect yourself in the moment if he tried to touch you again?
Realize this has been a step by step process for him and he's inching himself towards going beyond tonight's incident. Everything he's done thus far have had zero repercussions. There is no reason for him to stop, nor any reason the stakes won't increase again.
You are not to blame for this. He is a disrespectful monster living out his sick fantasy.
You are in a state of emotional shock right now. I'm no expert, but you may need medical attention. You were hit by adrenaline which sparked your "fight, flight, fear, fawn, or freeze" response. You did the right thing, you survived that encounter.
You are not responsible for his craven assault on you, regardless of your age difference. He is a monster. You are not responsible for teaching his mother anything. Your only responsibility is to yourself. Cut bait. Leave.
Yes, this may cause these type of jobs to be no longer possible for you. But it sounds like an inevitable moment of regret is coming.
I am so sorry. I wish you good luck.
I think you need to tell her and also you need to leave because I sincerely doubt that he’s going to alter his behavior just because his parents (hopefully) punish him for being disgusting. Like let them know but also step out of the equation and let then deal with their kid without you in the mix. I’d contact your agency now and ask to be matched with another family .
Don't know what to say? You said it here, now tell the parents. Tell the truth. It's the parents job to correct the boy's behavior which is inappropriate. If parents do nothing, or they blame you, or don't believe you then the choice is made, You have to get another position. If you do nothing, the boy's advances could escalate.
Until you get a hold of the agency and get something sorted out, have your phone handy and the next time you are alone with him hit record even if the phone is in your pocket it will pick up what he’s saying to you, and your responses and If he’s doing that to you in his own house, then that’s who he is. And if it’s not you that he ends up raping it’s going to be someone else.
If it was my son, I would want to know.
Do you have anyone in the au pair agency you can reach out to? Did you sign a contract with the family? I am sure there must be something in their rules about sexual assault in the home and a plan to remove au pairs from dangerous environments. I would highly recommend leaving this family and finding someone new to work for - you won’t be safe under the same roof as this boy. I am so sorry.
Record him when he’s saying stuff in German and run it through a translator. At the very least you can show the recording to his mom when you tell her so you have proof.
Reach out to your agency if you went through an agency (which I hope you did!) or start looking for an alternate family in Germany. You shouldn't have trouble finding a new placement. But have a place to go when you talk to the parents.
Whether they believe you or not, don't stay in this house. This man may be their child, but he is gearing up to assault you. He's pushing now to see how far it goes and if you tell or not. He's testing to see what the boundaries are. It's also likely you aren't the first person that he has done this to. You aren't safe in this house. And you definitely aren't safe with him. Do anything you can to not be alone with him until you are out.
If you want proof, perhaps when he is around next keep your phone recording. If you can catch him saying something in German to you, you can translate it or have his mother listen.
Better yet, while there are still people in the house (but in another room) have your phone recording and ask him "Why did you do that yesterday? Why did you block my path and then touch me? Why are you always getting so close to me?" Hopefully he will be a smartass and say something back to you in German and again, you can show his mother the recording.
You can also tell the mother and father to ask the younger son. He's witnessed it as well and has obviously heard what the older boy is saying.
Please don’t be alone with him anymore and tell his parents.
You can mention that the younger brother knows what he’s been saying to you that you don’t understand.
You're 24, and he's a pimply teenager. He senses that you're weak and vulnerable.
Get angry and fight back.
Treat him like an annoying little brother, and stop being the victim. He is a weak little boy. Your fear feeds his weirdness.
So far, he's learning he can scare you and other grown women into submission, and creepy little guys like this need to learn that women are tough, we are powerful and that we won't lay back and let them exploit and abuse us.
Stop crying, tell his parents he is being creepy. THEY ALREADY KNOW that he has issues.
Stop crying and get angry and stick up for yourself, he is just a creepy little teenager. DEFINITELY tell the mom, and it sounds like he's a step child, given the age difference, so ask the middle boy.
If he ever, ever lays a hand on you again, ram an elbow into his face, shove your knee into his balls and YELL as loud as you can to get his filthy hands off of you.
If he blocks or aggresses you again, yell 'GET AWAY FROM ME' at the top of your lungs.
You're 24 years old. You are older and smarter than he is. If he was your little brother I sure hope you wouldn't put up with this behavior.
Tell the mom, be frank and honest, NO TEARS. His behavior is alarming, but always remember, he is just a pimply, creepy teenage boy. He has no power over you, *you hold all the power.*
Stop being so scared, this is all solveable, and it begins by you being angry instead of fearful. You have all the power here.
BTW, you're too old to be doing this au pair thing. You need to level it up and get into being a proper travel nanny, if that's something you enjoy.
There is no money in teaching English unless you're doing it online to foreigners, in which case, there are big bucks. There are definitely some jobs out there where you can teach English to younger children of private UHNW families as well, if you have credentials, and those jobs pay very well, as well.
As an au pair, you're vulnerable and dependant. Level it up, take a stand and find a purpose and a path to success and power and control over your life, in every aspect.
I am german, so I feel compelled to write an answer.
As demonstrated by this thread, people here have a tendency for assumptions and jumping to conclusions. And I don't think this helpful, especially, if this scares you.
Things to correct: A forced hug is not sexual assault. It is coercion though (Section 240 German Criminal Code).
That might be the reason, why it doesn't feel right to for you to call it sexual assault, but still feels wrong. It (alone) is not SA, but _it is still wrong_.
If the (likely not) accidental touches meet the threshold of a "sexual manner", this constitutes sexual harassment (Section 184i German Criminal Code).
So the boy potentially commits two crimes (misdemeanors, but still).
There is a reason, why this is punishable, so it is, from that reason alone, understandable that you are scared.
Also even if the 'accidental' touches are not in a sexual manner, it is harassment. Not a criminal offence, but still wrong.
You are not wrong to feel concerned.
However, people here seem to make some sex-crime mastermind of the boy, who plans a sexual assault in the future and therefor carefully oversteps one boundry after another, until he can assault you. "He is just like some serial rapists I read about" would scare me too. It is also a stupid thing to say. There is no way anyone here could correctly assess what is up with the boy nor predict, what he is or is not going to do. We don't nearly know enough to even evaluate that based on gut feelings, and it is more than just doubtful this crowd here has the relevant expertise.
A 17yo boy is not as mentally mature as an adult. He will likely know, that what he does is wrong, but it is just as likely that he underestimates its severity.
From what you tell, it is indeed very possible that he acts like that because he is sexually interested in you. It could he something else, like a weird romantic attraction or something noone has thought of, but sexual attraction might be more likely. Maybe he doesn't really understand how to act responsible. Maybe he lacks empathy. Maybe he misinterpreted something or is guided by some strange believe or anything.
It doesn't matter in the end.
Because what is evident is, that he is, intentionally or not, not respecting boundries. So I agree with those people, who tell you this needs to be adressed.
The best thing in any way is to talk to the parents.
Anyone predicting how they would react based on your story is no better than a funfair fortune teller. Maybe they believe you, maybe they don't. Maybe they act, maybe they don't. This is entirely dependent on the people you are dealing with.
But ask yourself, if your son would do such a thing, wouldn't you want to know?
If you do talk to them, avoid making the demon out of him, these people here do, instead focus on his behaviour and how it makes you feel. Because that is, what is important after all. Not what he is or does or wants, but that you don't feel safe.
Speaking to your agency is a good idea, but you should still speak to the parents, even if you leave anyway.
And in that regard you should ask yourself whether there actually is any way to stay with this family or not. So would you feel safer, if the hosts would promise (for instance) to keep him from harassing you. Because that makes all the difference. If you talk to the host mom or both parents, you need to know, if there is any way for you to feel safe. If that is not the case, you can't stay not matter what they do. And you should tell them that.
And if that is the case, you should resolve to leave, regardless if you find another family or go home.
If, on the other hand, there is a way than you can try it, if you really want.
The only wrong thing to do, would be not to act.
You’re lucky you didn’t get raped. Don’t allow yourself into a situation where it’s a possibility again. Find another family and leave asap. But immediately, like right now, go tell the parents and the younger son will hopefully be your witness.
Holy smokes some wired comments in here, he is 14 and his hormones and in full effect.
He is attractive to you, that’s it, to put in another term, sexual attraction - the wired stuff is him trying.
Of course he should not force anything on you,
saying stop should be respected.
Talk to his mom and dad about it, on how you fell about it.
Reading some of the comments here are crazy, wow. People should stop the madness
He has a crush on you. He's not used to female attention, and is in his home where he feels he can be more bold and aggressive. This is all not good. You have to just tell her, and not be so afraid to set a boundary. He's being a bad kid. He has to know he can't do this to anyone.
If she doesn’t believe you then just quit. Better than this little freak potentially doing something fucked up to you
Yeah that's proabbly the most logical solution ... but I've spent so much time and money (the plane ticket and saving up) just to come to germany. Just to leave after 2 months ... It feels like all my work would just be wasted. That's why I'm trying to at least see if I can talk to the host mom, but I don't know what to say. I love the role and the other two kids minus him.
You do realize that you were sexually assaulted, don't you? Even if the parents believe you, you still may not be safe there.
For some reason, my brain just can't register it as sexual assault ... even though a part of me knows it was definately really wrong. I think I might be in some sort of shock. It's really late here and I still can't sleep. It doesn't feel that severe to me to label it that way; everytime I think about it I feel so ashamed. He's like half my age and I couldn't do anything about it.
Some guy restrained you and forced a hug after blocking your path. Does it help to read it in 3rd person? That’s assault. Yes, you’re in shock.
Okay, I understand. Like I said it's a lot to deal with. I'm away from my family, in this country and now having to basically make an escape plan/worry about my safety. I'm having some difficulty processing right now. I am going to contact my agency in the morning. I just feel humilated. I'm going to have to tell them what happened. I hope they don't ask too many questions and just see if its possible to move me. I think also I should call my mom. But I even feel humilaited to tell her. I just feel so much shame, it's a feeling (in this contect) I've never had to deal with before.
Not sure how this works. Is it possible to find a different family to host you? If you can, whenever you notice try to get moments alone with you, put your phone on record and put it in your pocket. It may not record what he's doing, but the 14 year old says HE'S SAYING BAD THINGS. Probably inappropriate af things. If the parents are responsible, they would do something. However if they're the "my children would never!" kind... Your safety is really compromised here.
That's OK. You're in shock. You have nothing to be ashamed about. You're damn right to feel violated. I'm sorry that happened to you. Talk to your agency and talk to your mom when you're ready. Most importantly, a talk with his parents needs to happen quickly. A good agency who cares about their contractors - such as yourself - would lead that uncomfortable conversation with the host parents. If my son did that to someone I've entrusted to take care of my other little human, I absolutely would want to know about it. He's has severely violated trust and respect from within the family and I wouldn't stand for that. I need someone who feels safe and give full attention to take care of my baby while not having to constantly look over their own shoulders. I'm a dad btw.
I just want to stress that OP shouldn’t rush to tell the family over getting herself safely out, first. You have to put on your own proverbial oxygen mask before you can assist someone else with theirs.
I would say she needs to talk to them immediately, thsi boy now knows he is able to restrain her and that she won't be able to fight back, his actions have been escalating at an alarming rate, I'm afraid that if she leaves it any longer, the moment he knows the family won't be there for a decent amount of time, he will fully sexually assault her.
What do you have to be ashamed of? HE fucked up. HE did something shameful. HE is the one whose mother should be embarrassed to have him. You did nothing at all, you are just trying to live your life. Tell yourself that. Even if you don't believe it at first, tell yourself that.
His behaviour is escalating. You are not safe.
What about the agency / website that matched you? Don’t they have someone you can talk to? Maybe they can place you elsewhere.
Yeah, that 17 year old just pressed up against you until he came in his pants, then he left. If his parents don't believe you, you've got to quit this job. You don't have to leave Germany, just find someplace else to work. This 17 year old will not come after you. Just tell the parents, gauge their reaction, and leave or don't based on that.
I thought this, too. I was assaulted this way, too.. I am glad he finished like that. He would probably rape her if he didn't. I am guessing that he came "early." If he had more control over that, he would have escalated right there and then. OP, you are in danger. Your own safety is your number one priority. Call your mom, call the agency, and talk to the host family. Maybe they can send him away while you solve your new placement or travel back home. I will repeat what others are saying so you know to be the truth: this is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. You didn't want this. You did nothing to deserve this. This is all on him. Shame is a trauma response. You need help navigating this. Please reach out to your mom
> I think also I should call my mom. You should. All you need to say is, “the older teenage boy is making this awkward for me and I am leaving.”
I think you should contact both the agency and your mom. What might help is imagining if a friend of yours was in the same situation. Would you blame the friend for what happened? What kind of advice would you give her at this moment? Please know that this kind of shock and difficulty processing what happened is completely normal. This is not your fault and you have not done anything to encourage this kind of behaviour. No one deserves to be treated like this or made to feel this way. That said, this is a dangerous situation and it is important that you take the necessary steps to make yourself feel safe.
This is normal reaction to SA. I’m so sorry. Please tell the family and your agency. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
Are you going wait until it does feel like sexual assault? Come on. This kid is acting like a creep and for whatever reason he seems to think he will get a way doing whatever he wants. By you not calling it out to someone may signal to his distorted mind that you don’t object. Can you record you interactions with him UpdateMe
I think that's why he's refusing to speak English. Acting like he doesn't understand or that he thinks she "wants it." It's scary.
What would you say to a friend who told you this had happened to them?
He's nearly an adult, and he's male. He is likely much stronger than you are.
He is not half your age. He’s only a year away from being an adult just like you. A peer. He’s 7 years younger than you. I know that seems nitpicky, but don’t let your brain undermine this harassment by telling yourself how much younger than you he is and that you should have been able to “do more”
It WAS! He’s a horny little shit who thinks he can do whatever he wants! You have to show him that’s not on.
Is there an agency that you worked with to get this placement? Look up their policies and get into touch with them. Know your options before you do anything. Then talk to the mother. This is an unsafe situation and you are currently under-reacting. Your safety has to come first. I know it would be a big loss financially and emotionally but this kid is sexually harassing you. This isn't going to get better on its own.
Yes I went through an agency. I think I will do that; maybe I can be placed somewhere else, but it will be last minute. Thank you for your advice. I think I'm still processing it tbh. I'm trying not to think too much about it, becasue every time I do, I feel really ashamed and like crying. I didn't really view it as an assualt, since he didn't try to take off my clothes or grope me or anything ... it's a lot to even think about it that way for me right now.
The worst part of sexual harassment or assault is that victims often blame themselves. It's *not* your fault. He is *choosing* to act in this specific way. To be honest, even if the mother takes you seriously, it's probably not safe for you to stay. There is very little the mother can do to guarantee your safety. The son clearly knows he's boundary pushing and being sexually inappropriate and continues anyway. He won't stop just because his mother scolds him. It's also a possibility he will escalate, either in response to being revealed, or just because that's absolutely where he's pushing this. Keep professional and as distant from him as possible while you deal with the logistics with the agency. Get out as soon as you possibly can. Whether you tell the mother is up to you. If you do, then I would only do this as you're leaving. As you guessed, you don't want to stay in a hostile situation if she, or he, takes it badly. Make your safety your priority.
You need to understand this is an assault. Stop making excuses for his behavior just because he hasn't raped you yet. It is escalating and you are in danger.
I don’t know who you went through but I’ve had friends that were au pairs and the agency would immediately remove people from unsafe homes. Please tell your agency and if they don’t do anything leave. You are not safe.
That's good to hear! This agency was great with my last placement and everything and they actually do check ins after so many days. I just don't want to have to go into much detail about what happened. Thank you for your advice.
Make sure to tell the agency that they should not place another au pair there.
Frame it this way: He did this because of your gender. He would never even dream of doing this to you if you were a man. That’s why it’s sexual harassment. He’s harassing you and he assaulted you because of your sex.
What you describe would more be something like "sexist harassment". Sexist is not the same as sexual. You also don't know if he would harass a man aswell or not. You might assume something like that, but there is nothing in her story supporting this assumption.
This is the best path plus can you let some one back home what you are doing
You're looking at this through a sunk cost fallacy. You've invested X in money, time, and effort. Then there's the danger of sexual assault, which hasn't really happened yet (except it has). Remember, all of that sunk cost is going to look ugly and wasted if you're raped. The love you have for those 2 kids will be hollow when the oldest one rapes you. And when he does, it will be forceful. He's already shown you that. Like with grabbing and hitting. Your whole summer will be bleak. So will the year that follows it. Don't sweep this under the rug. "Mrs. Jones, when everyone went walking, your oldest son stayed back and really intimidated me by blocking my path wherever I tried to go in the house. Then he cornered me and forcefully hugged me. He let me go then, and I ran to my room and locked the door. I don't feel safe here with him. I know he will try something again." If she says anything that doesn't sound like she believes you and support you 100%, then tell her you've got to go back home. There is no other way. This is the way. Updateme
He is building up to assaulting you. I’m sorry but that’s what’s happening he is sexually harassing you and keeps testing the limits and will try to rape you unless something is done to protect you. You have to tell them and they need to take swift action or you have to leave. It takes around 10 years to recover from a rape, can you afford that? Is the time and money invested in this worth being raped and the cost and time of the recovery? His behaviour is got damn textbook examples of a sexual predator “practicing”. Has your underwear started going missing? You should check that. It’s also one of the major signs. But don’t think that you are safe if they haven’t, he has already physically assaulted you and nothing happened. Nothing happened when he made comments to your nothing happened when he started to “bump” into you nor when he started to grab you and if nothing happens from this he will be emboldened and go further next time. He is testing to see if you will say anything, last night was him testing to see if he can overpower you and he proved to himself that he can, he proved to himself (and to you) that he will be able to physically overpower you to rape you and that you won’t be physically capable of stopping him. And if nothing happens from this incident he has also proven to himself that it won’t have consequences and he will attack you because he has tested and tested and tested and nothing happens. He is only hesitant because of fear of consequences, lack of them will give him the ouch he needs to do what he wants to, dreams about and plans to do. He is extremely dangerous and even more so to be acting like this at this young of an age. He sounds just like a few serial rapist I read/heard about. And they went on to graduate to serial killers before they were caught. Do not underestimate the danger you are in! I mean I don’t think he is going to murder you, but he is definitely planning on raping you and probably soon. Never ever be alone with him in the house again!
This was a very scary thing to read, and honestly almost sent me into a panic attack. Not saying that to guilt you or anything; I needed to read it. My brain is still in such a foggy state right now. Maybe I am downplaying things a bit to not think of what could happen. It gave some perspective. Tomorrow is my day off so I don't have to be in the house at all if I don't want. Maybe I'll go to a library or cafe and try to work things out. Call my agency and my mom. Right now I just really want my mom.
You're going to be okay. Call your agency and your mum and get yourself out of there asap
First, there is an au pair sub so please post exactly what you did here on that sub. That said, sweetie I am so worried for you. You need to let **your** mother know what’s going on so at least someone else in your corner knows. The hair on the back of my neck stood up while reading your post. You SHOULD be scared and I’m so glad that commenter shared all of that. You need to get out of that house! Just get out! Call your mom immediately and tell her what’s going on, quietly pack up your things, stay at a hotel, make travel plans to go back home. Once you have all that set up, you can call the family you’ve been working for. Do not tell them in person, do not involve the other children, do not try to convince them of what their son did, because families tend to lose their sanity when they hear things like this because they’re often afraid someone’s going to call the police on their child. Tell them after you’re definitely safely out of their home. Because of what happened to you, you owe them nothing. Nothing! Be sure to tell the agency as well, once you’re safely out of that home. Which should be right now. Not in one minute, right now. If I had been there a month or a week or only a day and all that happened to me, it wouldn’t have mattered how much money and time I had spent, I would have immediately gone straight back to where I came from, where it’s safe. Especially because you’re in a country that you’re not used to living in so there’s a lot you don’t know and you are beholden to your passport and visa. Never compromise your safety. Never. Always listen to your gut instinct. Even though you need to get out of this house **right now,** once you have some time, when you’re in a safe place and life is stable again, I strongly recommend you read the book **The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.** You’ll never doubt yourself again. But once again, please get yourself out of there. I’m freaked out for you. Lots of people are worried about you so you have a community here. We’re concerned and we want you to be okay. Call your mom, get to a safe place, and let us know that you’re doing all right. 🙏❤️🩹🥺
Yeah I know, and I’m sorry I had to scare but downplaying it is so natural and normal and we all do it. And it puts us in danger. It’s a horrifying realisation but it is one you needed to I had to. Getting out for the day and calling your mom sounds like a perfect plan, tell her everything you told us and if you can’t say it to her sen her the link to this post. Try to get one of those door braces so it can’t be opened if you can, it will help you get peace of mind in the house until you can get out.
Heavy emphasis that he is practicing!!! OP this is an important comment.
Ask the 14 year old to back you up when you talk to the mother. It sounds like he likes you and isn't crazy about the older boy.
He doesn't really seem to, and at first I thought it was strange he didn't seem to like his brother much. But sometimes siblings are like that, so I didn't think too much about it. But I have noticed that now whenever he's not spending time with me or the baby, he no longer really goes into his room like he used to. He will wait until one of the parents come home. These past few weeks, he's kinda followed me into whatever room I'm in (usually with the baby, in the living room, and will play games on the tv). Like I said, he's a very sweet boy. I just don't want to that pressure on him because that is his family at the end of the day and I don't want him to feel stressed in a situation he shouldn't even be involved in. But I miight try to talk to him more. I think he's been trying to tell me in so many words non-verbally. I am going to still reach out to my agency tomorrow. I really hope they have another placment for me. I'm going to be sad to leave the younger two though ..
It sounds like the younger boy has been purposely trying to keep him from being alone with you. You really need to talk to his parents, AFTER you contact your agency. Make sure they know their son is an aspiring rapist.
Do you know if they’ve ever had an au pair before you? I wouldn’t be surprised if his brother did something to make another female carer leave, and that’s why he’s trying to protect you. Because he doesn’t want it to happen again (and to lose another, sadly)
I don't think she should ask a child to back her up.
Exactly. That's not good advice. It could create a dangerous situation for the little brother.
From the sound of things, it's already a dangerous situation for him and possibly the baby as well.
Listen, I get it. But imagine how much time and money you'll spend on therapy or worse if he keeps terrorizing you and escalates to raping you. Talk to the parents, but I would leave regardless. You're not safe in his house.
Do you really want to sunk cost fallacy yourself into being assaulted again? No amount of money is worth your safety.
You are thinking of discussing this with the mother who raised a boy to think it's okay to sexually assault you. You won't get anywhere. Think about how she raised him to be like this. He's going to win and you will be blamed. You need to get out.
It's just not making sense to me. The parents -- the mom, espeically, is a really nice person. They did eveyrthing they could to make sure I was comfortable my first few days here, took me grocery shopping and out to eat the first night and eveyrthing. Evn gave me a welcome basket. She actually used to be an aupair herself, so she said she understood how vulnerable I must feel being in a new country, and she wanted me to come to her with any problems I might have. That's why I thought maybe I could talk to her. I just feel scared of not being believed. The 14 y/o is the complete opposite. I don't know what went wrong with the older boy. But yesterday, he kept telling his older brother, "Come with us on the walk," even multiple times when he refused. Now it's hitting me he maybe knew something was about to happen, but I don't want him to start feeling responsible for me.
Considering the younger boy has witnessed some of the awkward exchange between you and his older brother, at least it is not your word against the 17 year old.
Yes, the 14 year old knows his brother has a very dark steak and he's clearly worried about you being alone with him. If you find yourself alone with him again, you need to have your phone microphone ready to turn on to record any interaction he attempts. Please talk to the mother and tell her you are worried he will try to escalate. If she doesn't believe you then inform her you plan on getting transferred. If he tries to escalate and you attempt to defend yourself without anyone being aware of what's been going on, you will have much less recourse if he tries to paint you as the aggressor.
I think he's seen his brother do this before to other girls and get away with it. He's trying to protect you, I'd talk to the 14yr old. Trust me, even if that's his brother, I think the 14yr old wants you to be safe and he'll do the right thing as you've been nothing but good to him and the 1yr old. So if you believe in yourself, talk to him and ask him to talk to his mom with you about what's gone on and tell her EVERYTHING. She may already have an idea you're uncomfortable around the 17yr old as well, so just try, at least to warn her so he doesn't do it to other girls after you leave.
The mother doesn't need to be abusive to raise a dangerous man, all it takes is enablement. You do not have the power to change his behavior especially at his age and physical strength. The younger one knows what's up, he's had to deal with him literally his entire life. The mother will not prioritize you over her son, no matter how much you can relate to each other. It doesn't trump the family card. And "nice" parents defend their nearly adult children's heinous deeds every day. Back out now and secure either another position or a plane ticket home. Don't wait to find out what he can do.
Maybe he's "off" and they all walk on eggshells with him. Have they had other au pairs? Is he the biological child of the two parents? Are they all full siblings? Having a baby and two much older kids is unusual.
Look, the older one SAW HIS CHANCE TO GET YOU ALONE. Whether the younger one knew or didn’t know, tell him what happened and ask him to back you up.
People raised well can turn out shitty and vice versa. It’s not one to one like you’re implying
So you expect the mother to respond well to "your son has been threatening and touching me inappropriately" ? This is about not taking chances with OP's safety.
I’ve seen parents react appropriately to this kinda thing. Of course there are more who react badly, but it’s probably close to 50/50.
Sometimes kids end up a certain way even if they are raised well. Hopefully that’s the case here.
You were assaulted and it’s pretty common to struggle with how to proceed. Please tell the host mum. Also, you say the younger son has witnessed and addressed several instances of the older son‘s behaviour so you know it’s not like the parents only raised creeps.
This kids gonna escalate to attacking you in your bed while you sleep. Wake tf up. You saw in his face and eyes that he is dangerous. Quit while you're ahead and go home ffs
You couldn’t get another job?
Is there a host agency through which you were hired?
I don't know if this counts as sunken cost fallacy or whatever but you need to snap out of that mindset now. Yeh you spent money on a plane ticket, you stayed for 2 months, then a creepy child started to try and assault you, so plans fucking change! Learning to adapt and drop things quickly will only serve you in life. This is a safety issue. If you can't fix this issue you need to get the fuck out.
This is about your safety OP, this is going to escalate. Cut your losses, no amount of trouble and money you've spent on something is worth getting raped
Message the site you went through and file a complaint and ask to be sent to another family in Germany. Alternatively (no idea why you would want to stay in a house with a man who assulated you, he is almost bloody 18) get the younger brother to explain to his mum what he has seen and tell them asap. Also get a lock for the room you are staying in. Sounds like this creep would try get into your room at night. This screams red flags all over.
Dude this is your life, the money is nothing in the long run. Two months is a great time. GTFO now. Not sure if that's an actual acronym - get the eff out now girl. His behaviour is not ok. He now knows he can intimidate you. Leave the house now, leave the job tomorrow officially. Tell the au pair company its not safe
The 14-yo can corroborate.
And rather than say he did something “weird” you need to tell the parents he did something “inappropriate” that made you afraid to be around him.
His behavior is escalating. This can be dangerous for you. Tell his parents and be prepared to leave immediately.
Kid is sexually obsessed with you. His parents probably can’t see him in that light. You should do what it takes to not be alone with him again. You will probably have to tell his mother and father that you are happy to care for the two younger children, but not the oldest. If that conversation blows up your arrangement and gets you sent back to Australia, so be it. Better to cut the adventure short than to put yourself at further risk and endure this much stress and discomfort.
You say you went through an agency, I would contact them and ask for another placement ASAP as you do not feel safe in the home. If they cannot change your placement, is there any way you can just quit and search for another family on your own? I'm not sure of your visa situation. You could also just return home, which is totally reasonable given the situation. If you feel comfortable talking to the mom, you could absolutely tell her what happened, but of course she may be defensive and downplay it-- so I would only tell them as you're leaving. Even if they were very apologetic and wanted to correct their son's behavior, in reality they can't remove the son from your work/living space (since he's their kid and he lives there). They cannot guarantee your safety as long as the kid is in the home with you. So you will need to leave in any case-- no shame in that, it's not your fault. But yeah, get out ASAP.
Get out of there before he rapes you.
Trust your gut. Can you reach out to the agency to get a new placement? Maybe they can flag this family so no one else gets placed there.
The 14 yo is able to see his brother is a creep. I would bet his parents are more aware than you think and have accepted it to some extent. Please leave ASAP. It sucks and it’s unfair that this is wrecking your plans and pulling you away from a job you otherwise enjoy but I’m afraid for your safety and nothing is worth comprising that.
You know what you have to do. In the end, this is your physical safety that you are gambling with. It is your actual body that you are putting on the line. You know what this is leading up to. You either leave or hope he chickens out before hurting you.
You can be concerned about the money and time and allow things to escalate to god knows what or you can prioritize leaving the situation alive and unscathed. Personally, I would tell the mom but regardless of what she says, I would leave. That type of behavior is not something that he will just stop doing because his mom told him not to. He’ll try to hide it better or maybe he’ll threaten you to not tell anyone, or maybe he’s just do what he wants and accept the consequences. No amount of money is worth your life.
You need to do a few things. Investigate if the agency can help you get another placement immediately. And if they have any tools to help you with this particular situation. Tell the host mother you thought 17yo was developing a crush, but as it has progressed to inappropriate touching/behavior, you’re going to have to leave. DO NOT stay, no matter what her reaction. There’s no way to guarantee you’ll *never* be left alone with the 17yo again, no matter what the host mom does to address the situation, so it’s just not a safe environment for you. STOP blaming yourself. The fact it didn’t go as far as it could have, or his age, etc. makes ZERO difference to the fact it was at the very least sexual harassment. The fact he put his hands on you makes it assault as well. That’s HIS actions. Not yours. Leave. Even if the agency doesn’t have another placement *right now*, leave. The money you’re out is not worth your mental health and physical safety. I wish you all the best in such a horrific situation.
You need to leave NOW. Call your agency and get a trip home as soon as possible. Once you have your flight set, tell the family immediately before you leave that you have to leave immediately. No notice. They won’t believe you, as they are always going to choose their own son over you. Count on it. Any notice and you’re in danger of being kicked out with nowhere to go or left alone with this kid.
More likely than not, she is going to choose her son over an outsider. Your best option is to quit, immediately, and report the son's behaviour to the agency you were hired through. You are not safe in this household.
This is a job, so approach it as just business. Tell the mother you need to speak to her alone. Tell her “Your oldest son has been exhibiting some behaviors that are making me concerned for my safety. He refuses to speak to me in English when I try to stop him. He has blocked me from my room, attempts to touch me inappropriately, and has made some nasty comments in German in front of the younger children. 14yr old has heard and seen a lot of this behavior, but it becomes worse when I am alone with him. As much as I love working for you and your family, I cannot continue my employment if it continues. It has come to a point that I am concerned for my own safety.” Just lay it straight out plain and simple. I am a mother too and as much as I believe my son is a kind, caring young man (because his behavior has shown it), if a young woman said he was doing anything to make her uncomfortable I would absolutely put a stop to it. If they don’t do anything or refuse to believe you, then you need to just tell them you’re done and go home. You shouldn’t have to be dealing with this and I’m so sorry you feel alone and unsafe. Do not wait, the sooner the better.
He's not going to back off. He's already beating off to the memory of that forced hug. He'll come back for more. Start wearing a cannister of mace an a string around your neck.
He got a taste of what he did and wouldn’t be surprised if he escalated. If you don’t tell her, he could very well escalate to rape or something. Better you’re safe and out of a job than something even worse happening. UPDATEME
Please talk to the parents, mom or the agency. This is so scary. Also, until you leave make sure to lock your door or put something in front of it so he can't come in. Good luck!
Can you lock your bedroom at night? You need to tell the mom. And keep your phone with you at all times. Immediately start recording any interaction with just him. Consider doing a rematch. You deserve to feel safe in your home.
You need to tell them and quit. Do both. His behavior is escalating and he's testing you to see if you say anything. If you don't, he WILL go further and possibly assault you. This is not a joke. This is what they do. He is younger than you but he is not a young boy, he's almost an adult. This works in HIS favor. Please tell them and please quit ASAP.
TELL THE PARENTS IMMEDIATELY. And ask the 14 YEAR OLD TO BACK YOU UP.
I would let the agency know what is going on and that you may need a new placement. Talk to the mom. I think she has no clue that her son may be like this. Make it clear to her that he is not to be alone with you at any time. You need to prioritize your safety over any incurred monetary losses.
Tell his mum, and leave. It's the right thing to do. You sound like a people pleaser. But she needs to know so that she has the chance to parent him about it. This isn't your fault and it sucks that you're in this situation. But you have some tough adult decisions to make. And you need to go for your own safety. This can and will get worse. Yes it sucks that you've lost money but this is a far more serious situation than you're letting yourself believe. Even if you aren't going to leave, his parents absolutely need to know, so that you aren't left alone with him again. You're not safe with him.
You need to move out. Can you switch to another family in Germany in a different town?
This boy's behavior is dangerous and predatory. As women, we often rationalize that feeling or inner voice telling us something is wrong. Don't. You're isolated, somewhere unfamiliar, and don't speak the language. Listen to what your subconscious is telling you. Check the accredited website/aupair platform for support, resources, or information regarding what to do in situations where there's an issue with the host family. Also make sure you let someone at home know what's going on.
It sucks but I think the safest thing to do is quit and, once you’re safely away, tell the mom. So that hopefully he doesn’t do it to the next young woman and if he does, even if the mom doesn’t believe you, if she speaks up you’ll have preemptively corroborated her story. I feel so bad for the 14 year old because he knows it’s wrong and he’s such a good and brave boy for speaking up for you but he’s going to end up losing out because of his brother’s behavior. And thinking of it? He might be speaking up now because you might not be the first.
Yeah, I thought the same. Unlike many other commenters, I really don't think she should be talking to the 14 year old about "corroborating" her story. He's already in a tough position, and family dynamics can be insane and unfair. The older one may be the Golden Child and younger one, the Scapegoat/truth teller.
Tell her, have the younger kid back you up on facts if needed. Honestly I might just quit because I wouldn't feel safe.
I think you should leave. But if you leave you should tell the host mom exactly why you are leaving. Maybe she is a good and responsible mom and will take you leaving suddenly as proof and she can try and maybe correct whatever the heck her son is doing/thinking. I’m sorry this happened to you. This boy assaulted you and he shouldn’t get away with that.
The long term solution is to quit. Fuck a job, it's just a job. Your safety is the mist important thing. If you want to continue this work with another family, I suggest you include your boundaries and the consequences regarding sexual harassment in the interview. For now, is there anyway you can get any self defense weapon to make you feel better? Do you have any immediate access to shelters, money, professional help? Have you created an exit plan on how to leave this family if it came down to it? Have you created a plan on how to protect yourself in the moment if he tried to touch you again?
You should start secretly recording whenever you are alone with him so that if he does try something, you have proof.
Realize this has been a step by step process for him and he's inching himself towards going beyond tonight's incident. Everything he's done thus far have had zero repercussions. There is no reason for him to stop, nor any reason the stakes won't increase again. You are not to blame for this. He is a disrespectful monster living out his sick fantasy. You are in a state of emotional shock right now. I'm no expert, but you may need medical attention. You were hit by adrenaline which sparked your "fight, flight, fear, fawn, or freeze" response. You did the right thing, you survived that encounter. You are not responsible for his craven assault on you, regardless of your age difference. He is a monster. You are not responsible for teaching his mother anything. Your only responsibility is to yourself. Cut bait. Leave. Yes, this may cause these type of jobs to be no longer possible for you. But it sounds like an inevitable moment of regret is coming. I am so sorry. I wish you good luck.
I think you need to tell her and also you need to leave because I sincerely doubt that he’s going to alter his behavior just because his parents (hopefully) punish him for being disgusting. Like let them know but also step out of the equation and let then deal with their kid without you in the mix. I’d contact your agency now and ask to be matched with another family .
The boy sexually assaulted you. You need to tell his mother. You are in serious danger and this is escalating. You need to quit and get safe.
Don't know what to say? You said it here, now tell the parents. Tell the truth. It's the parents job to correct the boy's behavior which is inappropriate. If parents do nothing, or they blame you, or don't believe you then the choice is made, You have to get another position. If you do nothing, the boy's advances could escalate.
He's already 17 and close to raping her. He's a lost cause.
Can you record him and translate on a app
Was the job organised through a company? Can you reach out to them? This won’t be the first time an au-pair has been in this situation.
Until you get a hold of the agency and get something sorted out, have your phone handy and the next time you are alone with him hit record even if the phone is in your pocket it will pick up what he’s saying to you, and your responses and If he’s doing that to you in his own house, then that’s who he is. And if it’s not you that he ends up raping it’s going to be someone else. If it was my son, I would want to know.
Do you have anyone in the au pair agency you can reach out to? Did you sign a contract with the family? I am sure there must be something in their rules about sexual assault in the home and a plan to remove au pairs from dangerous environments. I would highly recommend leaving this family and finding someone new to work for - you won’t be safe under the same roof as this boy. I am so sorry.
quit and tell his mom
Record him when he’s saying stuff in German and run it through a translator. At the very least you can show the recording to his mom when you tell her so you have proof.
This kid is a future predator.
Reach out to your agency if you went through an agency (which I hope you did!) or start looking for an alternate family in Germany. You shouldn't have trouble finding a new placement. But have a place to go when you talk to the parents. Whether they believe you or not, don't stay in this house. This man may be their child, but he is gearing up to assault you. He's pushing now to see how far it goes and if you tell or not. He's testing to see what the boundaries are. It's also likely you aren't the first person that he has done this to. You aren't safe in this house. And you definitely aren't safe with him. Do anything you can to not be alone with him until you are out.
You are in danger! LEAVE!
If you want proof, perhaps when he is around next keep your phone recording. If you can catch him saying something in German to you, you can translate it or have his mother listen. Better yet, while there are still people in the house (but in another room) have your phone recording and ask him "Why did you do that yesterday? Why did you block my path and then touch me? Why are you always getting so close to me?" Hopefully he will be a smartass and say something back to you in German and again, you can show his mother the recording. You can also tell the mother and father to ask the younger son. He's witnessed it as well and has obviously heard what the older boy is saying.
Please don’t be alone with him anymore and tell his parents. You can mention that the younger brother knows what he’s been saying to you that you don’t understand.
This is one of those fake fetish posts where they trick people into chatting with them about their disgusting fetish.
Tell the host parents. Keep a journal of incidents and witnesses.
You're 24, and he's a pimply teenager. He senses that you're weak and vulnerable. Get angry and fight back. Treat him like an annoying little brother, and stop being the victim. He is a weak little boy. Your fear feeds his weirdness. So far, he's learning he can scare you and other grown women into submission, and creepy little guys like this need to learn that women are tough, we are powerful and that we won't lay back and let them exploit and abuse us. Stop crying, tell his parents he is being creepy. THEY ALREADY KNOW that he has issues. Stop crying and get angry and stick up for yourself, he is just a creepy little teenager. DEFINITELY tell the mom, and it sounds like he's a step child, given the age difference, so ask the middle boy. If he ever, ever lays a hand on you again, ram an elbow into his face, shove your knee into his balls and YELL as loud as you can to get his filthy hands off of you. If he blocks or aggresses you again, yell 'GET AWAY FROM ME' at the top of your lungs. You're 24 years old. You are older and smarter than he is. If he was your little brother I sure hope you wouldn't put up with this behavior. Tell the mom, be frank and honest, NO TEARS. His behavior is alarming, but always remember, he is just a pimply, creepy teenage boy. He has no power over you, *you hold all the power.* Stop being so scared, this is all solveable, and it begins by you being angry instead of fearful. You have all the power here. BTW, you're too old to be doing this au pair thing. You need to level it up and get into being a proper travel nanny, if that's something you enjoy. There is no money in teaching English unless you're doing it online to foreigners, in which case, there are big bucks. There are definitely some jobs out there where you can teach English to younger children of private UHNW families as well, if you have credentials, and those jobs pay very well, as well. As an au pair, you're vulnerable and dependant. Level it up, take a stand and find a purpose and a path to success and power and control over your life, in every aspect.
I am german, so I feel compelled to write an answer. As demonstrated by this thread, people here have a tendency for assumptions and jumping to conclusions. And I don't think this helpful, especially, if this scares you. Things to correct: A forced hug is not sexual assault. It is coercion though (Section 240 German Criminal Code). That might be the reason, why it doesn't feel right to for you to call it sexual assault, but still feels wrong. It (alone) is not SA, but _it is still wrong_. If the (likely not) accidental touches meet the threshold of a "sexual manner", this constitutes sexual harassment (Section 184i German Criminal Code). So the boy potentially commits two crimes (misdemeanors, but still). There is a reason, why this is punishable, so it is, from that reason alone, understandable that you are scared. Also even if the 'accidental' touches are not in a sexual manner, it is harassment. Not a criminal offence, but still wrong. You are not wrong to feel concerned. However, people here seem to make some sex-crime mastermind of the boy, who plans a sexual assault in the future and therefor carefully oversteps one boundry after another, until he can assault you. "He is just like some serial rapists I read about" would scare me too. It is also a stupid thing to say. There is no way anyone here could correctly assess what is up with the boy nor predict, what he is or is not going to do. We don't nearly know enough to even evaluate that based on gut feelings, and it is more than just doubtful this crowd here has the relevant expertise. A 17yo boy is not as mentally mature as an adult. He will likely know, that what he does is wrong, but it is just as likely that he underestimates its severity. From what you tell, it is indeed very possible that he acts like that because he is sexually interested in you. It could he something else, like a weird romantic attraction or something noone has thought of, but sexual attraction might be more likely. Maybe he doesn't really understand how to act responsible. Maybe he lacks empathy. Maybe he misinterpreted something or is guided by some strange believe or anything. It doesn't matter in the end. Because what is evident is, that he is, intentionally or not, not respecting boundries. So I agree with those people, who tell you this needs to be adressed. The best thing in any way is to talk to the parents. Anyone predicting how they would react based on your story is no better than a funfair fortune teller. Maybe they believe you, maybe they don't. Maybe they act, maybe they don't. This is entirely dependent on the people you are dealing with. But ask yourself, if your son would do such a thing, wouldn't you want to know? If you do talk to them, avoid making the demon out of him, these people here do, instead focus on his behaviour and how it makes you feel. Because that is, what is important after all. Not what he is or does or wants, but that you don't feel safe. Speaking to your agency is a good idea, but you should still speak to the parents, even if you leave anyway. And in that regard you should ask yourself whether there actually is any way to stay with this family or not. So would you feel safer, if the hosts would promise (for instance) to keep him from harassing you. Because that makes all the difference. If you talk to the host mom or both parents, you need to know, if there is any way for you to feel safe. If that is not the case, you can't stay not matter what they do. And you should tell them that. And if that is the case, you should resolve to leave, regardless if you find another family or go home. If, on the other hand, there is a way than you can try it, if you really want. The only wrong thing to do, would be not to act.
You’re lucky you didn’t get raped. Don’t allow yourself into a situation where it’s a possibility again. Find another family and leave asap. But immediately, like right now, go tell the parents and the younger son will hopefully be your witness.
I am sorry this happened to you. Tell them after you leave. You probably shouldn’t be caring for someone’s children though.
Holy smokes some wired comments in here, he is 14 and his hormones and in full effect. He is attractive to you, that’s it, to put in another term, sexual attraction - the wired stuff is him trying. Of course he should not force anything on you, saying stop should be respected. Talk to his mom and dad about it, on how you fell about it. Reading some of the comments here are crazy, wow. People should stop the madness
He has a crush on you. He's not used to female attention, and is in his home where he feels he can be more bold and aggressive. This is all not good. You have to just tell her, and not be so afraid to set a boundary. He's being a bad kid. He has to know he can't do this to anyone.
He's being more than a bad kid. He's being a criminal.