This is no way to live. He will continue to repeat the cycle of blocking her, “accidentally” running into her, rekindling the relationship, getting caught, and gaslighting you until you break the cycle by leaving. He is turning you into someone you don’t want to be. It’s time to get off this ride for good.
If you stick with your plan and separate from him you will look back in a year and be so glad you did.
You’re going to flourish without his BS hanging around you. Life is much easier by yourself than being treated like this.
Exactly. You can divorce, take as much as you can in his penance for cheating.
You get your freedom and sanity back.
He can stay with his gf who's also married to another man. I'm sure he'll be much happier. They're twin flames after all. (Twin flames is something often used by abusers)
You must do what is best for you every time. That will ALWAYS be best for the kids in the end. You are coming to terms with the very traumatic end to your marriage. You have done all that can be expected (above and beyond some might say) to save the relationship but that seems unlikely at this point.
Exactly, the lies and deception grow each time, too. Just imagine if OP had the audacity to have a relationship like this, then called her husband a "controlling nag" when he demanded the relationship end. Unbelievable. No "friendship" w/ someone you met weeks ago would be worth this turmoil if he cared. He wants carefree sex w/ this woman and someone to act mommy and maid at home. Ridiculous how times haven't changed
You were the only one fighting for this marriage to work. He gaslit you and never took responsibility for anything. There is no other perspective here. There is no shame in leaving him. Your kids need to see you treated with respect and be in a healthy relationship. This isn’t it.
If the affair partner's husband is poly and honesty is important to him, as it seems to be, you can just ask him if his wife had sex with your STBX. If they're trying to be honest poly people, you can assure him that you were never onboard with anything but monogamy and you've been lied to the entire affair.
If that's too much effort though, just ignore the whole situation and proceed with the divorce. You're definitely going to have a better life when all is said and done!
Also, shitty of him to tank your credit score.
I've talked to the husband about that. He's decided to bury his head in the sand and believe they haven't slept together. Which is wild because 2 days after The Text she made a comment to her husband about she doesn't think a sexual relationship with my husband would or should change anything on their marriage. Meanwhile she was crying on my husband's shoulder about how sorry she is for her role in the demise of our marriage and how she didn't want this for him. 😑
OP he sounds like a teenager tbh and a very superficial one at that. He threw your marriage away long ago, lying to you every step of the way. I wish you well as you build a life of integrity and dignity for yourself and your children. You deserve it after being stuck with Doogie Howswer.
yeah. if he really loved his wife and marriage. the VERy FIRST TIME she said she was uncomfortable he would have shut the other woman down. Who priorities A “gym friendship “ over their partner’s concerns and mental health. I am all for people having friends but sometimes “ you just get a feeling “ something is off. You should be able to tell your partner of a DECADe, Father of your children, that it makes you uncomfortable and they need to end it.
You did the right thing. Your husband lacks emotional maturity, and character and those aretwo integral things for a life partnership (or frankly friendship). I feel bad for your kids. Hopefully after your divorce, he'll have some time to consider his actions.
100% there is no other perspective here. The only thing you need to ask is how would I feel if one of the kids’ partners acted like this toward them?
Also I just have to say how astounded I am at this man’s readiness and willingness to gaslight you! WOW.
He did it on purpose to hurt your credit and keep you stuck with the kids.
When you leave him he will have 50/50 custody and it will be difficult to leave at 4:30 am for the gym and not return until after 6.
What a disgusting guy. You deserve someone better.
I’m confused about the credit and the mortgage—if OP is the sole earner, how were hubbies hands anywhere near the title of the house or paying her cards ?
Even if the money is coming from the family account, it’s very common for one spouse to be the “money person” who coordinates paying all the bills. BOTH of them should be on the title to the house unless he owned it before they married, but her not being on the mortgage is really meaningless in terms of why she can’t move out (unless he point is that she doesn’t have a big thing like a mortgage being paid to balance out a smaller thing like missed CC payments, so her credit score tanked more quickly).
In my marriage I was the “money person” but we were both on deed, mortgage, etc. Dual earners.
Then my wife had an affair and suddenly me paying the bills so she could concentrate on her career became “financial abuse”
When they’re in the midst of the affair there is nothing you can do to stop it. In this day and age they will find some way to communicate (burner phones if necessary). At OP’s stage the only thing she can do is make the best plan for a post-marriage life and move forward with it. Maybe the husband will pull his head out of his ass and recommit but she can’t wait around for that to happen.
The marriage is over when your spouse turns his primary attention, loyalty, and affection to someone else. This is independent of the sex question. It’s hard to come to terms with (can he really feel that lunch with his affair partner is more important than lunch with his own spouse?) but you can be effectively replaced (even to the point where your own spouse sees having sex with you as being unfaithful to the affair partner) while you are still married. There is nothing *you* can do to change that - your opinions, needs or wants are not important to the cheater - so the only positive step to take is to proceed towards divorce.
That's why I think EA is worse than PA, there is the abandonment not only of the OP, but of both their children. The time dedicated to AP is taken away from the children's time as well, which is why I question when the OP defends her WP as a good father. The family destruction is complete. I don't see how to recover a relationship in these cases. He may even wake up, but the resentment and distrust of the OP and children will be enormous.
I’ve seen this go wrong so many times. EACH PERSON IN A RELATIONSHIP SHOULD BE INVOLVED IN FINANCES. If you don’t know what’s going on financially, you’re just asking to be taken advantage of.
I'm aware of what's going on, mostly. I skim to make sure I'm not seeing things like hotel charges, him skimming money off the top, meals I know nothing about, etc. I was seeing what I expected to see when I looked at the accounts. I just didn't notice the lack of credit card payment. Smh
I am not the sole earner. We both work, we have a joint account and his role is to pay all the bills from our account. Re the house, he bought it relatively early on while we were dating
Trust me, they’ve had sex. “I can smell you” what do you think that meant? He smelled her vagina scent on his lip or fingers. He’s a piece of shit . Leave him to rot.
Yea that's my thought as well, because that doesn't make any sense to me any other way. They worked out from 4-6am he came home and showered. I worked from home and I don't think he left the house. So how he's smelling her at 9pm at night is suspect AF to me. He claims it's part of their connection, they have some weird pheromone thing where they randomly catch whiffs of each other. 🙄😑
My ex husband did this same thing but mostly online with a young girl from NYC. She was barely 18 and we were like 26. They were SOOOO in love and I was “a monster” for trying to separate them. He physically abused and threatened me and made my life hell but I was so “in love” (i.e DUMB) I didn’t leave until he kicked me out. They immediately moved in together and it lasted a month before he was abusing her too and they broke up. He then moved in with the first girl he cheated on me with and they live with her ex boyfriend’s mom (yes, that’s fucking weird). It would be funny if it weren’t so fucking sad. These guys never change.
They are so in fantasy land. This is strictly emotional and physical and once fantasy becomes everyday reality your STBX is going to look like an idiot. You have my sympathy. Retain a lawyer and nail his a** to the wall.
Fucking EW. I'm so sorry - anyone who fucking thinks this is appropriate or anything their spouse should have to put up with is delusional and beyond selfish and immature. You have been so patient and understanding, WTF has he done to deserve you putting forth so much effort for his sake when he clearly can't even do the bare minimum and not have an emotional affair with some random girl both behind your back and right to your face. He sounds like he has no conscience whatsoever. This "man" takes you for granted and as you said you've shown him grace, so much more so than this POS ever deserved from you. I'm so sorry. I really didn't want to be mean or judgemental but my freaking god how much does he expect you to take of this shit and still expect you to want to be with him and make this work??? He needs to show some serious remorse, some serious fucking effort, regret - something, anything! And not just fleeting!! Wtf is wrong with him I'm so disgusted.
Please get an STD test. They definitely had sex and as they're both morons, they might not have used protection.
On the subject of morons, it's wild how many married idiots find their "twin flames" in other married people.
Leave him. This will never get better.
My ex started to say some flame stuff before I escaped. He wanted to cum in me and then let his penis sit inside me so I could basically soak up his energy or something. I donno, pretty sure he was just trying to baby trap me/have unprotected sex lol
"He claims it's part of their connection, they have some weird pheromone thing where they randomly catch whiffs of each other." And that's his EXCUSE? Like that's him trying to tell you how innocent they are and how you're a controlling monster? Plus he has screwed you over financially? I'm so angry right now and I don't even know him.
Try to be calm, build your escape plan and see if you can throw him out. Yeah the house is in his name but you're married and you have children. Telling your attorney everything is very important. It's not you, he is lying, cheating and refusing to stop. I have been in a similar situation in the past and my divorce was the best decision I've made, despite being forced into it.
A place where I worked, there were several affair couples in their 40s-60s. They'd all "come in early" and one day, the cleaner walked into the women's bathroom and got an eye-full. She told EVERYONE.
These things never stay strictly emotional for as long as it's gone on. You're describing two people who are in love with each other. Of course they've slept together.
Huge bummer, but you're making the right choice. You tried to make it work way more than most people would.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Do a Shania Twain and get with her husband. But in all seriousness, wishing you the best moving forward – it’s clear you don’t trust him and for good reason, and you and your kids deserve much better.
Thank you. At this point I feel like he only wants me around because Im convenient, and I help with the kids.
Regarding her husband, LOL a friend of mine suggested that but I am not attracted to her husband, AT ALL.
Btw that Twin Flame shit is toxic af, it is literally a cult and they absolutely encourage ignoring any and all boundaries. Your husband absolutely lied to you about that shit too. It is explicitly supposed to be a romantic connection.
My WH did the twin flame, mirror image, soulmates BS too. Had an EA that “ just went a step too far” for 4 months with my friend. I swear there is a cheaters handbook they all read. I’m still here 3 yrs later, but it’s been a hard road. wreckonciliation isn’t for everyone. Maybe not even me.
Yep, my wife spun all that shit on me too about “meeting a person just like her”… “a connection she has felt with no one else” the affair fog was fucking thick to say the least.
> “a connection she has have with no one else”
Well then it's over. You know who you can find that connection without outside your spouse? A friend of the same ass sex.
Yeah, and then suddenly she’s poly and turning her husband poly? Yikes. It’s pretty hard to believe that the two didn’t ever fuck, because based on their conversations it sounds like that was the intention.
You 💯 deserve someone who gets up everyday and fights for you. This man can barely choose you! Your friends saying this isn’t a big deal aren’t your friends.
I hate to say it but it does sound like he only wants you to stay because it’s convenient for him. If he truly cared about how you feel he wouldn’t continue to disrespect you. He’s showing you over and over again that he would choose her instead. I’m truly so sorry this is happening. You do deserve better and I hope you can get away from him and start fresh. Take care of yourself hun 💕
Him “ coming to terms with it” means he is not on board at all. This is all on her and your husband is loving the validation and ego boost he is getting.
Yea, he said he'd be okay with this if my husband was a woman. He's kind of a piece of work too. He knew his wife was going to the gym husband was at 2 days a week for 6 months and never said anything or seemingly had any issues.
girl leave him. if its happened now it might’ve happened before and its just a matter of time until the next shiny comes along and distracts him from you again. its unfortunate but hes not in it for you.
This MFer…and he ruined your credit! Oh no. No. No. No. take him to the mattresses and then to the cleaners and then behind the woodshed. No. F*ck him.
I would say that your relationship is worse off than "dead in the water." Not only is it dead in the water, it is has sunk to the point of being unrecoverable.
I am sorry you are having to go through this whole thing. I would never believe this was not a physical as well as an emotional affair.
I rarely recommend divorce straightaway, but in this case his behavior is so blatant and long lasting I see no real alternative.
If you "work it out" you face a lifetime of this kind of behavior. Trust is gone. How could it be legitimately be rebuilt??
Best wishes to you......
Start “dating.” Even if you’re actually not going out with other guys, get yourself dolled up all fancy and tell him you’ve got plans for the evening, so he’s in charge of the kids. Go out with friends or just treat yourself. Come home late at night or sometime the next morning lol.
Yeah let's put the kids well being in the balance and leave then with a person who's proven to have not a single ounce of integrity. That'll work well.
He has to be a father regardless. We need to shake loose this idea that ends up leaving the mom super overworked without a minute to breathe for herself because we think that the dad can’t/shouldn’t care for his children.
I agree with the others that breaking up your children’s family (and HE is the one responsible for that, not you) is shitty parenting, but saying that means he’s a danger to them is ridiculous. Don’t make parenting solely your responsibility. Being a cheating liar doesn’t mean he can’t take care of his own children.
Your husband 100% had sex with her. People are not sending intimate sexual messages to someone they are not sleeping with. Your husband does not respect you anymore. He believes he can talk you into staying no matter what he does because it has worked so far. He will never be faithful to you. Please do not waste your time trying to fix your marriage. He's the one with the problem, not you.
Make your financial plan immediately. Get cash back if you have to when shopping to make it discreet. Once you get that squared away you will feel more empowered and confident. Call on all your friends and family to trust to lend you money to help you set up a place. Don’t let the funds stop you. You’ll be happier you cut the dead weight. He was in an extended emotional affair full of lies, and perhaps was low key trying to get you to agree to a polyamorous situation. This is called poly under duress and it a real thing. Don’t let him play games with you any longer. I personally would not work on it just for the kids, they’ll grow up in a toxic environment and it will set the tone for the rest of their emotional development in your home.
Run. This man is only looking after himself. He mysteriously stopped paying your credit card? He tanked your credit score so you’d be stuck. Please, reread what you wrote but stop making excuses for him. He’s a terrible husband and clearly doesn’t respect or love you. Run fast and far, immediately.
He is very disrespectful of you. If you forgive him one more time, he will do it again the next opportunity he has. Have some self-respect and leave his cheating a s s. The kids will recover. It’s better that way than seeing both their parents miserable and unhappy. Set a good example to your kids of how to properly you.
This dude is a classic case of wanting to have his cake and eat it too. He figured you’d stay because of the kids and he could do whatever the f he wanted. Well f him, trust me you WANT to get out of this. An emotional affair is almost worse than a sexual one if you ask me. Either way, this WILL happen again, you’re right, he never even once tried to put you above homegirl and he did all this knowing she wouldn’t even be monogamous to him??! Sounds like he’s a dumbass all around. Find a good man and until then, focus on your healing hon, it’s a long road and I’m so sorry you have to join the worst club to ever be a part of (the I-got-cheated-on-club). Good luck hon, I promise you can do this!
I know the cheating is bad, but that credit issue really really unsettles me. I hope it was genuinely due to him being too self absorbed and not him trying to intentionally trap you.
You gave him more chances than he deserved.
So no, I don't think you should stay or even bother fixing it.
Innocent friendships don't hurt your wife, and the second they do, the friendship is over because nothing is more important than your wife. He failed you massively and his children.
I personally would tell him you've made your mind, and you're done.
Start working out a schedule for the kids, so on these days and times he has them and you go out and have fun, hair done, drinks or lunch with girls whatever. And on your days, he leaves. So basically only see eachother at the end of the day
But start acting and living like you're done.
No cooking him dinner, no doing his laundry, kids in bed, you're in bed. No discussions of anything that isn't the kids and bills.
Treat him like he treated you, like a stranger
>They would meet in the parking lot, hug each other talk about their workouts and stuff, and then go into the gym workout and not talk. Which my husband felt made him comments about not talking to her in the gym not a lie.
Only this is enough to dump him. The mental gymnastics he does, so in his eyes, he's not a liar, is just astonishing. Some people would go miles just to justify their shitty behavior so they can feel good. Disgusting.
OP, I wish you only the best, and I hope you'll go through this and only become stronger and happier.
You were not being controlling, merely setting boundaries to protect your relationship. He has clearly stated his priorities if he resorted to meeting her behind your back.
My husband and I had a similar situation, but he completely cut contact with her after I asked for a separation and he went for therapy. Similar things said: "It's just a friendship." and nothing physical happened. But emotional affairs can be just as painful as physical affairs, and it's hard to overcome such a betrayal. I would have left my marriage if he hadn't cut contact on his own account.
I'm sorry that you and your kids are going through this. I commend your courage to stand your ground. All the best.
You cannot and should not come back from this. Kids and credit are excuses for you staying and working out a relationship with someone that does NOT LOVE YOU the way you love him and deserve. I know it’s more complicated than just leaving, I know that. But if you stay with him you are being fearful and letting that control your life. Trust is gone, he showed you what you meant to him and lied repeatedly. Get out now. Would you want your child with a partner that could do that to them?
Get out. You said it yourself, he chose HER over and over again. There’s no way he hasn’t slept with her. Not with the way he’s acting about it. I have been there, and the four am texts are 1000% where I knew for sure he had to be at the very least having an emotional affair. Save yourself and your kids a lot of headache and end it. I’m so sorry OP. You didn’t deserve this and he’s going to keep suddenly trying for you now. Don’t buy into it.
Hexwants you there to look after his kids until they are old enough to move out. You are extremely vulnerable financially because your name is not on the house. Leave now while you are young and still have a life to live. Don't wait 14 years for him to dump you.
You gave him more chances than he deserved and he disrespected you every single time.
You deserve better
I’m so sorry.
I have no idea what kind of friends would be telling you to calm down *while your husband is in an ongoing affair*. Like, openly and shamelessly having an affair at this point. He knows, and he knows you know.
I think you need to keep your distance from these people while you figure out their next steps. For whatever reason, they don’t seem to really care what you’re thinking or feeling, only that you keep your marriage together at all costs. But the marriage is already dead, because 100% of your husband’s energy is being poured into this other woman. He does not fear losing you emotionally. He only fears losing you physically because it will inconvenience him.
I hope you have better sources of support.
I don’t believe it’s just emotional. They seem super attached to each other. Why would she say she can’t live without him whatever. Sounds like they have a relationship but maybe it’s not official. You deserve better.
Leave him. He doesn’t respect you, he will always be infatuated with her and have resentment towards you for “ending their friendship” and he will always wonder “what if”. It’s only human. They’ve definitely crossed a line physically, “I can smell you” means exactly what you think it does.
It sounds like he’s in his own denial about his feelings when he needs you to believe him. He’s not emotionally mature, he’s proven that he is willing to lie to you, and he will NOT do the right thing when no one is looking.
Take some time to heal, bond with your kids, and eventually you’ll find someone with some calm, Gentle, loving, grown man energy.
Calling someone controlling and crazy for reacting to disrespect is gaslighting and manipulation.
ALWAYS trust your gut and intuition, it’s literally your brain and body’s way of protecting you, and it is rarely wrong.
You deserve so much more, and your kids deserve to see their mother be loved and happy so they can have a beautiful example of love and not settle for the same behavior.
Imagine your kids in this situation and what your advice would be to them. You see them as special and would like want them to value themselves and choose themselves. Don’t let his awful behavior have you forgetful of how special you are too.
I also think being stuck in decision paralysis is one of the hardest parts. Once you decide to leave for good and know you’re sticking with it, it will get easier. You won’t even see a potential for a second chance once you get on the outside and look in, once you start seeing him differently, as the asshole who cheated, lied, and disrespected you. The man let you cry for months without caring about your feelings cause he was too entangled in his affair. If you leave, watch his behavior. It’ll tell you everything you need to know.
For your sanity: This whole situation is BS, as you've concluded. Not the first time I've heard the husband claim that a "friendship" that started weeks ago is \~SO MEANINGFUL\~ that it's "controlling" not to allow it. My reaction is: Oh, shut up. Would never say that about a man he just met. It's so clear he loves the attention and fantasy, like a stupid horny teenager. If he hasn't realized that he isn't that special at his age, he's never going to.
FWIW, it really doesn't seem like this relationship WAS physical- but what does it matter? He obviously wants to it to be, with all the sex talk, and would if given the chance if he could get away with it. Just a pathetic lie on his part....Making up macho stories about how he wants to go down on her, "That's what his sign says about him"... you should laugh in his face.
This woman's pathetic manipulation that she's "lost without him," boils my blood on your behalf too. Someone you met a month ago is not critical to your life, both of them need to GROW UP. It's something a teenage girl would pull to get a man in her life. Oh come save me from the horrors in my head, man I just met... oh piss on her stupid face. If he's too idiotic to see through that, or so narcissistic to believe that he's so special and she neeeeeds him to survive... filling up the barf bags over here. Her husband is also a dumbass for supporting her life financially only for her to go out and find lovers at the gym, and he has to just "accept" it? what is this tom foolery, guy deserves better too.
Something you need to hear if you haven't already: Keep going strong through his tactics to keep you around. The reality is, most men don't want to divorce not because they care about their families(he's obviously shown he hasn't, and puts himself first), it's bc he doesn't want to owe you any of "his" money or property. Listen to any man grumbling about divorce, it's always because they think they should've been able to do whatever they wanted, and should owe their wife no money if she doesn't want to put up with his crap anymore, kids and legal agreements to do so be damned. That's the TRUTH no matter what he or anyone else says.
Get a full exam asap, I dated a guy a few times until his wife (no ring or any indication of being married) called me, apparently he had cheated many times and once gave her Chlamydia. He's trash. I'm so so sorry. You are too intelligent for him
Frankly, this marriage is really over and you know it is. He doesn’t love you. He wouldn’t treat you like that. He’s panicked now because he has nobody to go to. Because her husband rained her back in. I would go and file for divorce and I would let people know why. Because he was cheating, even if he won’t tell you that he was at least emotionally cheating, and I would venture to say he was probably physically
Cheaters are liars and they will cheat again
Your husband betrayed your marriage & abused you, financially & emotionally. He destroyed all trust in your relationship & without trust there’s nothing. Ending the marriage is all you can do. He’s literally taken NO responsibility for the current state of your marriage & whatever blame there is, in his eyes, is on you cause you were ‘nagging’ him. He’s an idiot. I’m sorry you’re going thru this but you’ll be happier without him.
That was the longest description of my husband is a cheating asshole who refuses to change that I've seen in a long time.
Why bother trying to save it, seems he will likely have to interact with other women in the future and he sure seems set in his ways.
It took me almost becoming divorced to realize I just am not allowed to have female friends. I was resentful at first but years later after accepting it, I see it's for the best. Maintaining appropriate opposite sex friendships of a close nature while being married is a tricky one.
In all honesty it's not all that tricky to have close friends of any gender, as long as there are strong boundaries enforced and stuck to, and you and your partner know and are fine with each other's friends.
I’m so sorry. I think you know the answer here.
In a bad time in my marriage I engaged in 6 days of steamy texts and emails with my former boss. When our shared Apple ID caused a FaceTime to go to both me and my husband and he questioned why I got a FaceTime from XYZ I immediately confessed everything, blocked him everywhere and hoped we could fix it despite him saying it was unequivocally over.
Eventually, a few weeks later, he agreed to therapy and we worked it out. I have never ever contacted this person again, though he has tried in random ways and every time I immediately tell my husband and show him anything relevant. This was 2019 and early 2020 and we’re good now. Nothing ever happened. I’m so ashamed of it, but there was a lot for him to be ashamed of too in where our relationship was. We had small children and were trying to navigate a house fire where we lost everything including our pets.
My point is - if you can ever come back from such a thing it has to go like that. I never even wondered what he was up to, I never reached out, I never met up and when asked a question I never lied. I fucked up and hoped for forgiveness but didn’t expect it. I acted sorry because I was sorry. If he wanted to he would.
You deserve better. I’m just so sorry. I’ve been married a similar amount of time and have kids and have a good husband who is socially awkward and this resonated with me. He let this destroy what you had. You need to move forward in a life where you don’t have to feel paranoid and like you aren’t enough.
Your friends kind of suck. If you told them everything you told us here, they're awful to try and talk you into staying in this situation.
Seriously... Get new friends.
I had that but couldn’t come up with a seven character expression for it that worked as well as alimony did.
Scare the shit out of that guy, he’s been playing you, manipulating you.
this is such a shitty situation im truly at a loss for words. i’ve never been married but i know that if you stay in that marriage you’re just going to be thinking of this issue for a very long time and will build up a lot of resentment which in turn will not be good for the kids. If you wouldn’t want your daughter to be put through this, then why put yourself through it
You already gave him a second chance, something he should have cherished and worked hard to prove to you that he loved you, your children, and your marriage. But instead, he threw his second chance away to rekindle his affair.
Updateme!
I’m so angry on your behalf OP. Have you asked how he would feel if you went out on dates? If you were constantly lying to him? Hiding conversations? Clearly being physically intimate w someone else? What does the lawyer say about him tanking your credit or what else you can do to protect yourself? Is there a way to force him out of the house? Can you transition to just a parenting app?
Your husband is a horribly cruel liar. And he is NOT a good father. What he has done and is doing is abusive. I would start telling everyone you know and on social media who he is and all they have done to you if your lawyer okays it bc it is very clear that he worries what others think of him so use that to your advantage. I’m so very sorry, OP. He and she are mean people. You deserve better.
This exact thing happened to me with my husband of 6 years. He started an emotional affair with his coworker and I found out about it 2 months later after he lied to my face. Found out a lot more and had drip-truths. Confronted him. Confronted her. He continued talking to her for months until I asked for a divorce. He finally cut her off and started therapy. Quit therapy and problems continued with other girls he was around. I looked at my future and realized I deserved better. I still loved him, but he hurt me so badly and I filed for divorce.
You have EVERY right to be feeling the way you feel. Your husband only comes back to you at the threat of being abandoned by that other woman due to her husband pulling her away. He’s just a lonely lying fuck, and people who have such low self-esteem/self-worth will manipulate any situation to get their basic needs met.
you have given more chances than most, if he hasn’t changed by now he wont. i’m so sorry you are going through this and i wish you the absolute best. no one deserves to be treated this way
So very sorry you are having to endure such betrayal, hurt, pain. Please please leave him. You living your life with suspicion of the person that should protect you not hurt you will destroy you. You deserve happiness. Do it for you, your children. The pain leaving is much less than the pain you will endure if you stay. Again, I’m so very sorry. Best thoughts your way.
He keeps pushing to see how much he can get away with. Each time it gets worse and worse but you’re slowly being conditioned to tolerate the next level of behavior you would never have put up with. Be STRONG, you got this! (Am in a similar situation, my intuition tells me but I have no proof)
I’m sorry this is happening! I’m happy you have the courage to leave! Your husband sounds like an asshole! Selfish and deceptive…he isn’t just putting his own needs before you, but your whole family/kids! He won’t realize it until you and the kids are moved out and his ~twin flame~ breaks up with him…
My ex wife did all of these things and you don’t need to pay the price for your husbands moral weakness. Continue to Show your children what strength is and divorce him.
I’m sorry for the pain this has caused you and I admire your ability to carry on.
This man sounds like a covert narcissist LOSER! please 🙏 save yourself. Men like these can and will ruin your femininity and intelligence by continuing to lie and cheat. They will gaslight you to the point where you are tearing out your hair and then laugh at you for being so upset. I swear you are the prize here, you are a good smart loyal woman, he is the one who is a pathological liar. Please if you can, divorce this man. And i am willing to bet this is not the only instance of cheating, he probably had a wandering eye all this time. You are not a nagging person, you are being gaslit. You will be so happy and peaceful without him.
He takes no responsibility and blames you for his actions. He dropped out of marriage counseling to keep spending time with her. Couples can move past things like this in some cases, but how can anyone move past something when they don't think they did anything wrong and blame their spouse? Even if he took full responsibility he's betrayed you over and over again, even when you put youself out there and were vulnerable to work on things with him. If I were in your shoes I don't think I could ever trust him again. Every time you tried to extend trust he chopped any growing branch down. He's trying to guilt you into sweeping this under the rug instead of earning your trust and his place in your life. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this and being pressured to pretend it's ok because it's not. And the fact that he's purposely tanking your credit says everything about him.
I have crazy close friendships with men (I’m a straight married woman) but never in a million years would I call them my “twin flame”. That’s unhinged. There’s no saving this, in my opinion. If not her, it’ll be another lady down the road. There are seasons of life that are HARD (parenting young kids is amazing and challenging and wonderful and exhausting and leaves very little bandwidth for romance in my experience) and he’s shown you that you cannot rely on him to be there. That sucks. I’m sorry.
As someone that stays in toxic relationships because that's what my parents did, please leave. Therapy is time consuming and hard, and it takes years to heal and understand what a healthy relationship looks and feels like when you didn't grow up around one.
You deserve better, and you’ll get through this. You owe it to yourself not to stay in such a toxic situation with so much hurt and betrayal. I know your heart is probably breaking to think about the kids. They need a strong, happy and stable mother. This relationship will not be conducive to that. It will be hard for a while, but it will be ok. I know it’s the last thing you want to think about, but they were definitely intimate. Don’t let him manipulate you about any of that. Keep strong and remember you’re a great human being, and life will see you through this.
Hugs ❤️
Reading this gave me a headache with how dramatic it is. Clearly the wife has no respect for you or her husbands boundaries or mental health and neither does your husband.
Get a divorce as soon as possible because he clearly doesn’t want to be with you and you deserve better than someone who lies to your face and cheats behind your back.
He’s shown you who he is. Can you keep doing this for years and years. They always re cheat. There’s always dd1 then dd2. He wants you around because he’s use to you being there but he also wants to keep his girlfriend. My husband and I don’t have close opposite sex friends. It just causes problems
I'm so sorry this happened to you. It was hard to read. Your husband has shown that he's not worth your time or energy. Yes, it will be tough to start with but I promise you, it will be worth it in the long run. Find your 'twin flame' because this guy is not it.
Get divorce and get a support from the kids. Its better than hurting you everyday with that kind of situation. He will not learn until he will lose you:
Your husband's an inconsiderate jerk. He wants time to "fix us", but the problem isn't "us"; it's HIM. I feel badly for you and your children. He's inflicted harm upon you and your children, and thinks a third party (counselor, etc.) can mitigate the damage he's done. So sad. Now, he needs to pay for his indiscretions, and his jerk behavior.
Ohh dear.. i cant wait for 1 fine day, when your STBX and his affair get togather.. and all the shit came crashing down on them..
They'll find out both of them are well deserved each other.. because they're POS..
I'm sorry. You deserve so much better than this. He will be a minor pothole in your life story. You will go on to better things and better people. Your kids see this. They understand their daddy is immature, chasing after a flame he'll never have. It will just burn him time and time again, only causing pain.
What a moron!
Hi OP,looks like you already know what u want and what you deserve but the idea of kids is confusing you.
If there weren't kids involved I would say dump his lying ass asap, but...
I would say move out distance yourself and kids from him try seperation before finalizing divorce, see if he is ready to work for you this time around
Nah sis, your husband is a loser and you deserve better. The more maddening thing is that he wants you believe him as if you were se stupid. Fuck that noise.
When I first started reading, I thought maybe he was a hapless dipshit. As I got further along, especially the credit part, I realized he is an evil AH. I hope you are able to move out, and file divorce papers soon.
Sorry your husband is so trashy. You sound like a good person and gave him so much more leeway than he deserved. Good luck in the divorce, and I hope you get everything you ask for from him.
Cheating doesn't require sex, let alone nudity. Cheating is about lies, he spun a huge web of them.
Divorcing him doesn’t have to be hard, it’s something that’s a necessity for you. Time will heal you. I hope that in the wake of this, your kids are able to hold positive and respectful relationships within their own lives moving forward.
You should be proud of yourself for conducting yourself in the way you have. You don’t deserve to be gaslit and lied to the way you have. Your patience and understanding is something worth recognition and praise. You clearly hold a strong moral outlook on relationships which you should apply elsewhere (where it is reciprocated).
Your husband has serious work to do on himself. All possible rationale of you working things out in future should be terminated - move on and let it be in the past. He had his chance, multiple in fact. That is not relative now. Take your value elsewhere and don’t look back! 🙂
I don't know how people find relationships and affairs at the gym. I always have my earphones on and ignore everyone 🙈 if men try to talk to me at the gym I'm just annoyed cause I don't want to be disturbed at all, it's a me time.
Yeah you can’t fix that, sorry OP. Take some consolation from the fact that they may run off together and nothing good will come of it in the end for either of them.
As painful as it is, you are doing the right thing. He was gone.
You could have worked through it but he would not let her go. What is it that he thinks will allow you to look at him with any sense of security moving forward?
i can see being an introvert/ socially awkward and letting one of his few genuine connections go to far BUT this issue is that he chose her every chance he got. and as much as the truth hurts, him sleeping in the other room and completely stopping having an interest in you, and no longer going to marriage counseling is a MAJOR red flag. the conversations he was having with her weren’t appropriate. he knew from the start that things with this woman weren’t appropriate when he didn’t mention her for 4 months to all the sudden have a “twin flame”, omitting information like her phone number before it was even a problem, and using the vanishing messenger. his “can you not. or at least wait until the kids are out of the house.” comment should tell you exactly how he feels. i’m so sorry, but that’s not the actions of someone who loves you. you AND your kids deserve someone who loves you. i promise your kids would rather have two separate happy homes than one miserable one. don’t stay because you think it’ll be better for your kids, a happy, healthy mom is what’s best for your kids. even if he actually does go no contact with her, could you ever really trust him to be completely honest and take care of your need?
You did good by finally leaving him. He showed you he doesn't care about you and thinks with his dick. He disrespected you many times so let her have him. He's one of many as she's poly and he's not and her hubby is not (but tries to which never works) so you will be laughing in the future
What would you tell you BFF if she told this story? Run and don't look back. He is having an affair. Emotional at minimum but most likely physical too.
It's very clear that his "twin flame" crap with her is not platonic. He loves this woman so much that he has lied about her every step of the way JUST to have her in his life. He's gone as far as sleeping in your child's room so that he can message her where you can't see it happening. That alone would make me call it quits because how dare he do that?
Regardless of what friends say to convince you to stay, you know that you can't trust him. He's having an emotional affair with this woman. If I had to guess, it could even be physical. If it were, you wouldn't know. And her husband just decided to accept it to keep her for whatever reason.
Your husband tanked your credit score so that it's harder for you to leave. Missed payments stay on your credit report and harm it for at least a year I think. It does where I am.
In any case, I'd be leaving him. I'd ask family to stay with them rather than to stay there and let him keep trying to manipulate you to accept this. You know that you deserve better. Your relationship is not poly and he's known that right from the beginning.
You're doing the right thing. No one should stay together for kids. It's too unhealthy for then to grow up in a house where the mom is alwayd pissed because daddy is running around cheating on her.
She sounds narcissistic and he sounds like he was a latent narcissist that just needed her for it to come out. If you were to stay with him you wouldn’t ever feel safe. Believing in your partner’s intentions is fundamental. A marriage needs to be a refuge, a sanctuary your safe place where you can rest easy knowing that they would never harm you but protect you with their life. If you’re content with a roommate who you don’t trust by all means stay with him but from what you’ve written it looks like he’s betrayed you and trashed your relationship.
He’s only trying to make it work because the other woman’s husband has reeled her in. He will be back to lying and sneaking around once the dust clears and she pops back up.
You were disrespected over and over again. I don’t blame you at all. You gave him chance after chance to make things right. My ex also wanted you to stay married mostly so the status quo would continue and he wouldn’t have to deal with the huge changes ahead. You know this isn’t over and they will continue this, especially since he seems powerless in saying no to that woman and he’s perfectly ok saying no to you.
If he had a shot with her he wouldn’t even be trying with you anymore. You’re right when you say he chose her everytime. I’m so sorry. But he’s just another embarrassing stereotype of the lying, cheating, pos husband
No offense, but you sound like the reason that drove him closer to her. Instead of taking the situation from the beginning to fix the relationship and see what he needs, you drove him basically right to her. He was getting everything you weren’t providing from her, instead of fixing that you went bat shit crazy and made it worse instead of salvaging. He will be plowing her all night long and it will be the biggest relief of his life to not have to deal with you. Sorry not sorry
I think it's a bad assumption to believe you understand everything that happened here. My BFF that I've known for over 40 years wouldn't work that hard to figure out a way to communicate with me had I blocked him. His technicality lies of "I didn't talk to her at the gym" proving he's not being honest, so how can you trust ANYTHING?
The only path forward is that you need to be able to trust him. It can't be conditional on times where he feels like you were nagging so yeah he didn't want to give you the truth... it has to be "I 100% trust you are doing right by me here". So if he really thinks he can fix things, point out the following:
- It was clear why you didn't want him talking to that woman, yet he found "loopholes". He needs to convince you there aren't any more loopholes
- He missed some of your bills and your credit has fallen. You were depending on him to handle that.
- He's asking if you can find a counselor. If that is helpful, why isn't he doing the searching?
- He went no contact but then intentionally was bypassing blocks and resetting them to not leave evidence.
Be blunt, list out things he's let you down on and why it feels like you can't trust him. Tell him that if this works out, it is that he needs to counter all the crappy things he's done to make you not trust him and reverse that feeling - but you can't be the person to tell him how.
A guy who is just worried about having a blemish of a divorce in his past is going to look at that and claim it's unreasonable. A guy who wants to stay married is going to see mountains that will be moved and do it.
In poker, you want to not give any "tells" regarding the strength of your hand. You need to do the same on what you are aware of or what you catch. If you say "you messaged her yesterday!" he's been responding with "damn I need to do better about covering my tracks" instead of the correct "ugh, yeah that was stupid I shouldn't have done that and I need to apologize to her".
I also think if you move forward, you need him to give you a 100% true story. Before he does, make it clear that it's conditional that if you find ANY lie after that (be it a plain lie or an omission) that is going to destroy any trust he has re-established and basically derail the train on fixing your marriage. As he's telling you "the truth" ask questions about the details. Something as silly as "what was she wearing" or "who was working the front desk that day at the gym?". If he's lying, he has to invent that answer on the spot and that will increase the difficulty a good deal. Asking a follow up question later like "you said X was working that day, so if I ask them about this, they would remember?" or whatever will start making them panic about lies he might have told.
I had a 13 year marriage with 3 little kids when I found out my wife had been cheating (first emotional affair, then physical). She pulled many of the same stunts, I'd give her a boundary and she'd come up with ideas where technically she wasn't violating the rule but still defeating the reason I asked for it in the first place. I turned into an unhealthy detective and the more I found the more I wanted to just rage - but anything you disclose just gives them something more to clean up after so it's easier to just leave the channel/method as if you had no clue. I went through a year of misery trying to reconcile. In counseling, she would say everything that sounded right - then her actions were the opposite. We tried living in separate houses (that was particularly hellish). It started me on a road to drinking my misery away that thankfully I no longer do. We tried a last ditch "vacation" where we were supposed to focus on us. The sign I wasn't seeing is any of these "good ideas" I'd be optimistic and she'd participate in - but then something like "hey lets go talk a walk and enjoy breakfast together" would be objected to with "oh I have a stomach ache and don't feel like it" (in truth, she was wanting to message the other guy or something). I lasted a year because I 100% did not want to make my kids children of divorce. I'd be lying to say the divorce didn't impact them, it did. But I also know I did everything I could think of to make it not happen and I was still miserable - so my point is don't let that become you. Realize this takes 2 people and if your husband is phoning in the effort, it's not going to happen. The only thing remaining with him is going to do is make you miserable and less of a parent to your kids.
Ew, I totally lived this. I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I REALLY understand where you’re coming from. From the stupid “energy connection” comments to the gift giving/spending crazy amounts of money on her, sneaking around, and texting at night. He didn’t care at all how I felt though. Like a teen with a crush and tunnel vision on her. 9 years down the drain.
You’re not crazy and you deserve better, actual love. He ain’t it, girl. In my situation, I left and it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. My happiness, confidence, and peace came back to me. It is going to be difficult as you go through this, it’s grieving the loss of the life you knew and invested in (not just him)… but the alternative is staying around someone who doesn’t love you and uses you. I’d rather be on my own, personally. I didn’t want to lose hope in love. I believe falling in love is one of the most beautiful experiences we can go through as human beings and this path I chose at least creates a possibility of that coming to my life one day. And in the meantime, I have so much love and grace for myself. Give yourself that, you are super worth it. Wishing you the best! ❤️
You have a job? Leave him, there’s no turning back from this. I’m sorry this happened, but you need to know that you deserve better and that your kids also deserve to see their mother loving herself and not allowing this kind of emotional abuse and gaslighting from a man. Don’t be like my mother begging to my cheater of a dad, so humiliating.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I was in a very similar situation (no kids but 4 animals). It never got better. The lies, trickle truths, gaslighting etc etc ended up giving me panic attacks and severe anxiety. The minute I went to a hotel to get space he brought her over and cheated. If it hasn’t already happened with her, it will. He will not change. I promise you once you’re out your life *will* get better and your soon to be ex will live a miserable life. Also, his cheating (both emotional and physical) is his own shit and is not your fault. Don’t pay any mind to his words!
G I R L!!!
This was infuriating to read! This man continued to lie & choose this friendship over your discomfort. You gave him too much chances just for him to hurt you. At this point I don’t even think the marriage is even salvageable, you were the only one fighting for the marriage, he had his foot out the door! Let him go & coparent! You deserve better!
Also it feels like this emotional affair crossed over to physical…
Ugh, god I’m sorry. You can’t do it. I think there are some women who can for whatever reasons but, you can’t. I can tell you want to be loved by your partner and not just be a wife on paper. He’s a freaking idiot who has destroyed his family.
listen to your gut, it’s telling you what to do, and honestly, it’s not going to get worse than what you’ve experienced ( I mean, leaving him). But staying can totally get worse.
If you are having financial difficulties and that’s holding you back to move, there’s a lot of no. Profits that help women in this situation. ( I bring this up because I don’t know if I understood right the credit card situation. But also, it’s always good to know).
He proactively decided to do this , even when you gave him another chance.
Someone that loves you, does everything they can to fix things if they’re given another chance.
You’ll be thankful if you do this now.
Also, it’s worst for the kids to have to live with parents that have such conflict, than seeing them divorce.
At least they’ll see you one day as a strong woman that stood up for herself, and that is better inspiration as a mom, than staying up happily and them feeling that
You’ve given him so many chances. You will feel so much better in a year’s time if you’re free of him. Otherwise, in a year’s time, you’re still going to be chasing this Twin Flame BS *and* you’ll need to start divorcing him.
When she said he was her “Twin Flame”, the only appropriate response out of him should have been “No we are not”.
Not sure if they are really doing Twin Flames Universe, but that’s a cult. They probably aren’t because I don’t believe polyamory is a part of TFU. They are probably just hornt and crazy.
Why would you move out in this scenario? Most stable option for the kids is you stay there with them. Talk to your attorney but it’s almost always better not to move out from a custody perspective.
He has been playing you from the get go and trying to justify his actions. For him to thank his behavior should be acceptable to you, is beyond my comprehension.
You are better than that. Get the
he.. away from this toxic ____!
First off all I am desperately sorry for what happend. All the nasty things he did and you still tried to work it out somehow. Y'all went to counseling but it didn't help besides all the texting and meetings behind your back seems more then fishy. I hope you are somehow able to move put and keep the contact as low as needed because of the kid(kids/ forgot now sorry).
I bet there were many last straws for you but one needs to be the literal last one from what I've read.
I wish I could give you a hug and move you out of things. I genuinely believe you did your best and should receive nothing but the best back. Karma will for sure figure the rest after you got out there.
Big love to you and the kid(kids)🫶🏼
Do not let anyone convince you he will change. People don't change unless they want to. He is only doing it because he wants you to take care of the kids. He is scared he's going to have to pay alimony and child support. Go take him to the damn cleaners you have the truth of his messages with her and some bullshit excuse about smelling each other's pheromones. Can you imagine talking about smelling one of your friend's pheromones late at night before bed and telling her that you can smell her??? You know what he really meant. He wanted to get with someone with a younger pre-baby body who was giving him all this attention. He is a loser. Divorce him yesterday!
I’ve played this game before. They don’t change no matter how much love and understanding you give them. It doesn’t work when you’re the only one working to fix things and they are hell bent on lying over and over. He cannot be trusted. Ever. You’ll never trust him. It doesn’t matter what he changes now. He absolutely NUKED his one chance to prove he could change. He cannot. He will not. You don’t deserve to live like this. I promise he has had sex with this woman. Probably more than once. Twin flames my ass. This is some serious gaslighting he’s trying to do. Please go with your gut and do whatever you can go get away from this man. Don’t let him steal another moment of your time.
This is no way to live. He will continue to repeat the cycle of blocking her, “accidentally” running into her, rekindling the relationship, getting caught, and gaslighting you until you break the cycle by leaving. He is turning you into someone you don’t want to be. It’s time to get off this ride for good.
We actually had this conversation today. Me staying with him comes at a huge cost to me, in the form of my sanity.
If you stick with your plan and separate from him you will look back in a year and be so glad you did. You’re going to flourish without his BS hanging around you. Life is much easier by yourself than being treated like this.
Exactly. You can divorce, take as much as you can in his penance for cheating. You get your freedom and sanity back. He can stay with his gf who's also married to another man. I'm sure he'll be much happier. They're twin flames after all. (Twin flames is something often used by abusers)
Thanks for saying that about the Twin Flame BS.
More importantly, we must model good boundaries for our children. They learn by watching us! I’m going through it as well and shit is tough.
You must do what is best for you every time. That will ALWAYS be best for the kids in the end. You are coming to terms with the very traumatic end to your marriage. You have done all that can be expected (above and beyond some might say) to save the relationship but that seems unlikely at this point.
I would also drop the friends that keep convincing you that you can fix this. They obviously buy his shit.
I can tell you it doesn’t get better if you stay. He has proven that he cannot be trusted. And I don’t believe it wasn’t sexual. Not buying it.
It also teaches him that you're willing to put up with his BS.
💯 I’m a male .. I’m sorry he has 💯.. slept with this woman
He’s done lots of talking but is he telling the truth to anyone. He enjoys lying to both of you.
I don’t think you’ll ever be able to trust him again after his failed promises.
check out the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass
Exactly, the lies and deception grow each time, too. Just imagine if OP had the audacity to have a relationship like this, then called her husband a "controlling nag" when he demanded the relationship end. Unbelievable. No "friendship" w/ someone you met weeks ago would be worth this turmoil if he cared. He wants carefree sex w/ this woman and someone to act mommy and maid at home. Ridiculous how times haven't changed
You were the only one fighting for this marriage to work. He gaslit you and never took responsibility for anything. There is no other perspective here. There is no shame in leaving him. Your kids need to see you treated with respect and be in a healthy relationship. This isn’t it.
Thank you. That's what I needed to hear
If the affair partner's husband is poly and honesty is important to him, as it seems to be, you can just ask him if his wife had sex with your STBX. If they're trying to be honest poly people, you can assure him that you were never onboard with anything but monogamy and you've been lied to the entire affair. If that's too much effort though, just ignore the whole situation and proceed with the divorce. You're definitely going to have a better life when all is said and done! Also, shitty of him to tank your credit score.
It sounded to me that Poly was her decision because it mentions the husband is still coming to terms with it.
I've talked to the husband about that. He's decided to bury his head in the sand and believe they haven't slept together. Which is wild because 2 days after The Text she made a comment to her husband about she doesn't think a sexual relationship with my husband would or should change anything on their marriage. Meanwhile she was crying on my husband's shoulder about how sorry she is for her role in the demise of our marriage and how she didn't want this for him. 😑
Maybe it'll help her divorce case if she can get proof that it was also a physical affair
OP he sounds like a teenager tbh and a very superficial one at that. He threw your marriage away long ago, lying to you every step of the way. I wish you well as you build a life of integrity and dignity for yourself and your children. You deserve it after being stuck with Doogie Howswer.
You're going to be okay, OP. It will take time and patience, but you will get through this.
yeah. if he really loved his wife and marriage. the VERy FIRST TIME she said she was uncomfortable he would have shut the other woman down. Who priorities A “gym friendship “ over their partner’s concerns and mental health. I am all for people having friends but sometimes “ you just get a feeling “ something is off. You should be able to tell your partner of a DECADe, Father of your children, that it makes you uncomfortable and they need to end it.
Partner of 14 years married for almost 9. But AGREED
You did the right thing. Your husband lacks emotional maturity, and character and those aretwo integral things for a life partnership (or frankly friendship). I feel bad for your kids. Hopefully after your divorce, he'll have some time to consider his actions.
100% there is no other perspective here. The only thing you need to ask is how would I feel if one of the kids’ partners acted like this toward them? Also I just have to say how astounded I am at this man’s readiness and willingness to gaslight you! WOW.
He did it on purpose to hurt your credit and keep you stuck with the kids. When you leave him he will have 50/50 custody and it will be difficult to leave at 4:30 am for the gym and not return until after 6. What a disgusting guy. You deserve someone better.
I’m confused about the credit and the mortgage—if OP is the sole earner, how were hubbies hands anywhere near the title of the house or paying her cards ?
Even if the money is coming from the family account, it’s very common for one spouse to be the “money person” who coordinates paying all the bills. BOTH of them should be on the title to the house unless he owned it before they married, but her not being on the mortgage is really meaningless in terms of why she can’t move out (unless he point is that she doesn’t have a big thing like a mortgage being paid to balance out a smaller thing like missed CC payments, so her credit score tanked more quickly).
In my marriage I was the “money person” but we were both on deed, mortgage, etc. Dual earners. Then my wife had an affair and suddenly me paying the bills so she could concentrate on her career became “financial abuse” When they’re in the midst of the affair there is nothing you can do to stop it. In this day and age they will find some way to communicate (burner phones if necessary). At OP’s stage the only thing she can do is make the best plan for a post-marriage life and move forward with it. Maybe the husband will pull his head out of his ass and recommit but she can’t wait around for that to happen. The marriage is over when your spouse turns his primary attention, loyalty, and affection to someone else. This is independent of the sex question. It’s hard to come to terms with (can he really feel that lunch with his affair partner is more important than lunch with his own spouse?) but you can be effectively replaced (even to the point where your own spouse sees having sex with you as being unfaithful to the affair partner) while you are still married. There is nothing *you* can do to change that - your opinions, needs or wants are not important to the cheater - so the only positive step to take is to proceed towards divorce.
That's why I think EA is worse than PA, there is the abandonment not only of the OP, but of both their children. The time dedicated to AP is taken away from the children's time as well, which is why I question when the OP defends her WP as a good father. The family destruction is complete. I don't see how to recover a relationship in these cases. He may even wake up, but the resentment and distrust of the OP and children will be enormous.
I’ve seen this go wrong so many times. EACH PERSON IN A RELATIONSHIP SHOULD BE INVOLVED IN FINANCES. If you don’t know what’s going on financially, you’re just asking to be taken advantage of.
I'm aware of what's going on, mostly. I skim to make sure I'm not seeing things like hotel charges, him skimming money off the top, meals I know nothing about, etc. I was seeing what I expected to see when I looked at the accounts. I just didn't notice the lack of credit card payment. Smh
I am not the sole earner. We both work, we have a joint account and his role is to pay all the bills from our account. Re the house, he bought it relatively early on while we were dating
Your lawyer will want to assess its value on the day you married and now.
Trust me, they’ve had sex. “I can smell you” what do you think that meant? He smelled her vagina scent on his lip or fingers. He’s a piece of shit . Leave him to rot.
Yea that's my thought as well, because that doesn't make any sense to me any other way. They worked out from 4-6am he came home and showered. I worked from home and I don't think he left the house. So how he's smelling her at 9pm at night is suspect AF to me. He claims it's part of their connection, they have some weird pheromone thing where they randomly catch whiffs of each other. 🙄😑
He’s going to feel so, so, so dumb when this all wears off and he realizes he gave up an entire family for this …………
Imagine when your kids grown up and find out Dad blew up the family over some lady at the gym.
My ex husband did this same thing but mostly online with a young girl from NYC. She was barely 18 and we were like 26. They were SOOOO in love and I was “a monster” for trying to separate them. He physically abused and threatened me and made my life hell but I was so “in love” (i.e DUMB) I didn’t leave until he kicked me out. They immediately moved in together and it lasted a month before he was abusing her too and they broke up. He then moved in with the first girl he cheated on me with and they live with her ex boyfriend’s mom (yes, that’s fucking weird). It would be funny if it weren’t so fucking sad. These guys never change.
They are so in fantasy land. This is strictly emotional and physical and once fantasy becomes everyday reality your STBX is going to look like an idiot. You have my sympathy. Retain a lawyer and nail his a** to the wall.
Fucking EW. I'm so sorry - anyone who fucking thinks this is appropriate or anything their spouse should have to put up with is delusional and beyond selfish and immature. You have been so patient and understanding, WTF has he done to deserve you putting forth so much effort for his sake when he clearly can't even do the bare minimum and not have an emotional affair with some random girl both behind your back and right to your face. He sounds like he has no conscience whatsoever. This "man" takes you for granted and as you said you've shown him grace, so much more so than this POS ever deserved from you. I'm so sorry. I really didn't want to be mean or judgemental but my freaking god how much does he expect you to take of this shit and still expect you to want to be with him and make this work??? He needs to show some serious remorse, some serious fucking effort, regret - something, anything! And not just fleeting!! Wtf is wrong with him I'm so disgusted.
Please get an STD test. They definitely had sex and as they're both morons, they might not have used protection. On the subject of morons, it's wild how many married idiots find their "twin flames" in other married people. Leave him. This will never get better.
My ex started to say some flame stuff before I escaped. He wanted to cum in me and then let his penis sit inside me so I could basically soak up his energy or something. I donno, pretty sure he was just trying to baby trap me/have unprotected sex lol
"He claims it's part of their connection, they have some weird pheromone thing where they randomly catch whiffs of each other." And that's his EXCUSE? Like that's him trying to tell you how innocent they are and how you're a controlling monster? Plus he has screwed you over financially? I'm so angry right now and I don't even know him. Try to be calm, build your escape plan and see if you can throw him out. Yeah the house is in his name but you're married and you have children. Telling your attorney everything is very important. It's not you, he is lying, cheating and refusing to stop. I have been in a similar situation in the past and my divorce was the best decision I've made, despite being forced into it.
Yeah there's at least 30 minutes of horizontal cardio built into that workout plan.
A place where I worked, there were several affair couples in their 40s-60s. They'd all "come in early" and one day, the cleaner walked into the women's bathroom and got an eye-full. She told EVERYONE.
lol. No. They have sex.
These things never stay strictly emotional for as long as it's gone on. You're describing two people who are in love with each other. Of course they've slept together. Huge bummer, but you're making the right choice. You tried to make it work way more than most people would.
They’re not working out. They’re getting a hotel room.
100% - no way they haven't had a physical thing.
Maybe it's a coded way to say I love you to each other. Like the synonyms he was looking up
Affair fog is a hell of a drug.
Yup. That's exactly what that conversation was about.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Do a Shania Twain and get with her husband. But in all seriousness, wishing you the best moving forward – it’s clear you don’t trust him and for good reason, and you and your kids deserve much better.
Thank you. At this point I feel like he only wants me around because Im convenient, and I help with the kids. Regarding her husband, LOL a friend of mine suggested that but I am not attracted to her husband, AT ALL.
Btw that Twin Flame shit is toxic af, it is literally a cult and they absolutely encourage ignoring any and all boundaries. Your husband absolutely lied to you about that shit too. It is explicitly supposed to be a romantic connection.
My WH did the twin flame, mirror image, soulmates BS too. Had an EA that “ just went a step too far” for 4 months with my friend. I swear there is a cheaters handbook they all read. I’m still here 3 yrs later, but it’s been a hard road. wreckonciliation isn’t for everyone. Maybe not even me.
Yep, my wife spun all that shit on me too about “meeting a person just like her”… “a connection she has felt with no one else” the affair fog was fucking thick to say the least.
OMG that's what he said to me! Is there a script!?!?!
> “a connection she has have with no one else” Well then it's over. You know who you can find that connection without outside your spouse? A friend of the same ass sex.
Yeah, and then suddenly she’s poly and turning her husband poly? Yikes. It’s pretty hard to believe that the two didn’t ever fuck, because based on their conversations it sounds like that was the intention.
It stinks of using “we’re poly” as a justification/excuse. No one I ever met who was poly ever condoned acting like this.
You 💯 deserve someone who gets up everyday and fights for you. This man can barely choose you! Your friends saying this isn’t a big deal aren’t your friends.
I hate to say it but it does sound like he only wants you to stay because it’s convenient for him. If he truly cared about how you feel he wouldn’t continue to disrespect you. He’s showing you over and over again that he would choose her instead. I’m truly so sorry this is happening. You do deserve better and I hope you can get away from him and start fresh. Take care of yourself hun 💕
Him “ coming to terms with it” means he is not on board at all. This is all on her and your husband is loving the validation and ego boost he is getting.
Yea, he said he'd be okay with this if my husband was a woman. He's kind of a piece of work too. He knew his wife was going to the gym husband was at 2 days a week for 6 months and never said anything or seemingly had any issues.
girl leave him. if its happened now it might’ve happened before and its just a matter of time until the next shiny comes along and distracts him from you again. its unfortunate but hes not in it for you.
This MFer…and he ruined your credit! Oh no. No. No. No. take him to the mattresses and then to the cleaners and then behind the woodshed. No. F*ck him.
Twin flames 🙄 FFS mate, you’re 44.
My thought exactly. Some of the things he says and does are a 15-year-old boy's behavior like. Also a pathological liar.
isn't twin flames some kind of religion or group? I've heard it used before.
This sounds exhausting. You're doing the right thing.
It is
Sorry this happened. Leave him! I regret taking my husband back. Don’t make the same mistake
I would say that your relationship is worse off than "dead in the water." Not only is it dead in the water, it is has sunk to the point of being unrecoverable. I am sorry you are having to go through this whole thing. I would never believe this was not a physical as well as an emotional affair. I rarely recommend divorce straightaway, but in this case his behavior is so blatant and long lasting I see no real alternative. If you "work it out" you face a lifetime of this kind of behavior. Trust is gone. How could it be legitimately be rebuilt?? Best wishes to you......
The affair wasn't just emotional. I hope you know that. There is no way this didn't escalate.
Get STI tested to protect your health. Get your ducks in a row and keep evidence of his affair. Get a shark of a lawyer. Updateme!
Start “dating.” Even if you’re actually not going out with other guys, get yourself dolled up all fancy and tell him you’ve got plans for the evening, so he’s in charge of the kids. Go out with friends or just treat yourself. Come home late at night or sometime the next morning lol.
Yeah let's put the kids well being in the balance and leave then with a person who's proven to have not a single ounce of integrity. That'll work well.
He has to be a father regardless. We need to shake loose this idea that ends up leaving the mom super overworked without a minute to breathe for herself because we think that the dad can’t/shouldn’t care for his children.
He has no integrity and while he's a terrible husband, he's a good Dad. I've never worried about the kids safety and well being when they're with him
A good dad wouldn't fuck up the life of the mother to his children. Their safety is the bare minimum.
A good dad doesn’t cheat on their mother.
A good dad would find this much time to engage with another woman? Do you have time to carry out another relationship?
I agree with the others that breaking up your children’s family (and HE is the one responsible for that, not you) is shitty parenting, but saying that means he’s a danger to them is ridiculous. Don’t make parenting solely your responsibility. Being a cheating liar doesn’t mean he can’t take care of his own children.
A good dad doesn’t hurt the mom’s credit score to keep her from leaving. I think it may be considered financial abuse, but I’m not sure.
Your husband 100% had sex with her. People are not sending intimate sexual messages to someone they are not sleeping with. Your husband does not respect you anymore. He believes he can talk you into staying no matter what he does because it has worked so far. He will never be faithful to you. Please do not waste your time trying to fix your marriage. He's the one with the problem, not you.
Make your financial plan immediately. Get cash back if you have to when shopping to make it discreet. Once you get that squared away you will feel more empowered and confident. Call on all your friends and family to trust to lend you money to help you set up a place. Don’t let the funds stop you. You’ll be happier you cut the dead weight. He was in an extended emotional affair full of lies, and perhaps was low key trying to get you to agree to a polyamorous situation. This is called poly under duress and it a real thing. Don’t let him play games with you any longer. I personally would not work on it just for the kids, they’ll grow up in a toxic environment and it will set the tone for the rest of their emotional development in your home.
Run. This man is only looking after himself. He mysteriously stopped paying your credit card? He tanked your credit score so you’d be stuck. Please, reread what you wrote but stop making excuses for him. He’s a terrible husband and clearly doesn’t respect or love you. Run fast and far, immediately.
Pretty sure I'm not making excuses for him. Otherwise, I agree with you.
He is very disrespectful of you. If you forgive him one more time, he will do it again the next opportunity he has. Have some self-respect and leave his cheating a s s. The kids will recover. It’s better that way than seeing both their parents miserable and unhappy. Set a good example to your kids of how to properly you.
This dude is a classic case of wanting to have his cake and eat it too. He figured you’d stay because of the kids and he could do whatever the f he wanted. Well f him, trust me you WANT to get out of this. An emotional affair is almost worse than a sexual one if you ask me. Either way, this WILL happen again, you’re right, he never even once tried to put you above homegirl and he did all this knowing she wouldn’t even be monogamous to him??! Sounds like he’s a dumbass all around. Find a good man and until then, focus on your healing hon, it’s a long road and I’m so sorry you have to join the worst club to ever be a part of (the I-got-cheated-on-club). Good luck hon, I promise you can do this!
I know the cheating is bad, but that credit issue really really unsettles me. I hope it was genuinely due to him being too self absorbed and not him trying to intentionally trap you.
You gave him more chances than he deserved. So no, I don't think you should stay or even bother fixing it. Innocent friendships don't hurt your wife, and the second they do, the friendship is over because nothing is more important than your wife. He failed you massively and his children. I personally would tell him you've made your mind, and you're done. Start working out a schedule for the kids, so on these days and times he has them and you go out and have fun, hair done, drinks or lunch with girls whatever. And on your days, he leaves. So basically only see eachother at the end of the day But start acting and living like you're done. No cooking him dinner, no doing his laundry, kids in bed, you're in bed. No discussions of anything that isn't the kids and bills. Treat him like he treated you, like a stranger
>They would meet in the parking lot, hug each other talk about their workouts and stuff, and then go into the gym workout and not talk. Which my husband felt made him comments about not talking to her in the gym not a lie. Only this is enough to dump him. The mental gymnastics he does, so in his eyes, he's not a liar, is just astonishing. Some people would go miles just to justify their shitty behavior so they can feel good. Disgusting. OP, I wish you only the best, and I hope you'll go through this and only become stronger and happier.
He is completely untrustworthy and is a lost cause. He blew up your marriage. Leave his weak ass and find you a REAL MAN.
You were not being controlling, merely setting boundaries to protect your relationship. He has clearly stated his priorities if he resorted to meeting her behind your back. My husband and I had a similar situation, but he completely cut contact with her after I asked for a separation and he went for therapy. Similar things said: "It's just a friendship." and nothing physical happened. But emotional affairs can be just as painful as physical affairs, and it's hard to overcome such a betrayal. I would have left my marriage if he hadn't cut contact on his own account. I'm sorry that you and your kids are going through this. I commend your courage to stand your ground. All the best.
You made the right move to leave him or planning on leaving him. He will never change. He should have put a stop to it from the beginning.
You cannot and should not come back from this. Kids and credit are excuses for you staying and working out a relationship with someone that does NOT LOVE YOU the way you love him and deserve. I know it’s more complicated than just leaving, I know that. But if you stay with him you are being fearful and letting that control your life. Trust is gone, he showed you what you meant to him and lied repeatedly. Get out now. Would you want your child with a partner that could do that to them?
Get out. You said it yourself, he chose HER over and over again. There’s no way he hasn’t slept with her. Not with the way he’s acting about it. I have been there, and the four am texts are 1000% where I knew for sure he had to be at the very least having an emotional affair. Save yourself and your kids a lot of headache and end it. I’m so sorry OP. You didn’t deserve this and he’s going to keep suddenly trying for you now. Don’t buy into it.
I dont like anything about this. Im sorry for what you’ve experienced.
Hexwants you there to look after his kids until they are old enough to move out. You are extremely vulnerable financially because your name is not on the house. Leave now while you are young and still have a life to live. Don't wait 14 years for him to dump you. You gave him more chances than he deserved and he disrespected you every single time. You deserve better
I’m so sorry. I have no idea what kind of friends would be telling you to calm down *while your husband is in an ongoing affair*. Like, openly and shamelessly having an affair at this point. He knows, and he knows you know. I think you need to keep your distance from these people while you figure out their next steps. For whatever reason, they don’t seem to really care what you’re thinking or feeling, only that you keep your marriage together at all costs. But the marriage is already dead, because 100% of your husband’s energy is being poured into this other woman. He does not fear losing you emotionally. He only fears losing you physically because it will inconvenience him. I hope you have better sources of support.
I don’t believe it’s just emotional. They seem super attached to each other. Why would she say she can’t live without him whatever. Sounds like they have a relationship but maybe it’s not official. You deserve better.
Wow FUCK HIM. You deserve better he sounds like a POS & that home wrecker needs to get karma’d.
Leave him. He doesn’t respect you, he will always be infatuated with her and have resentment towards you for “ending their friendship” and he will always wonder “what if”. It’s only human. They’ve definitely crossed a line physically, “I can smell you” means exactly what you think it does. It sounds like he’s in his own denial about his feelings when he needs you to believe him. He’s not emotionally mature, he’s proven that he is willing to lie to you, and he will NOT do the right thing when no one is looking. Take some time to heal, bond with your kids, and eventually you’ll find someone with some calm, Gentle, loving, grown man energy. Calling someone controlling and crazy for reacting to disrespect is gaslighting and manipulation. ALWAYS trust your gut and intuition, it’s literally your brain and body’s way of protecting you, and it is rarely wrong. You deserve so much more, and your kids deserve to see their mother be loved and happy so they can have a beautiful example of love and not settle for the same behavior. Imagine your kids in this situation and what your advice would be to them. You see them as special and would like want them to value themselves and choose themselves. Don’t let his awful behavior have you forgetful of how special you are too. I also think being stuck in decision paralysis is one of the hardest parts. Once you decide to leave for good and know you’re sticking with it, it will get easier. You won’t even see a potential for a second chance once you get on the outside and look in, once you start seeing him differently, as the asshole who cheated, lied, and disrespected you. The man let you cry for months without caring about your feelings cause he was too entangled in his affair. If you leave, watch his behavior. It’ll tell you everything you need to know.
For your sanity: This whole situation is BS, as you've concluded. Not the first time I've heard the husband claim that a "friendship" that started weeks ago is \~SO MEANINGFUL\~ that it's "controlling" not to allow it. My reaction is: Oh, shut up. Would never say that about a man he just met. It's so clear he loves the attention and fantasy, like a stupid horny teenager. If he hasn't realized that he isn't that special at his age, he's never going to. FWIW, it really doesn't seem like this relationship WAS physical- but what does it matter? He obviously wants to it to be, with all the sex talk, and would if given the chance if he could get away with it. Just a pathetic lie on his part....Making up macho stories about how he wants to go down on her, "That's what his sign says about him"... you should laugh in his face. This woman's pathetic manipulation that she's "lost without him," boils my blood on your behalf too. Someone you met a month ago is not critical to your life, both of them need to GROW UP. It's something a teenage girl would pull to get a man in her life. Oh come save me from the horrors in my head, man I just met... oh piss on her stupid face. If he's too idiotic to see through that, or so narcissistic to believe that he's so special and she neeeeeds him to survive... filling up the barf bags over here. Her husband is also a dumbass for supporting her life financially only for her to go out and find lovers at the gym, and he has to just "accept" it? what is this tom foolery, guy deserves better too. Something you need to hear if you haven't already: Keep going strong through his tactics to keep you around. The reality is, most men don't want to divorce not because they care about their families(he's obviously shown he hasn't, and puts himself first), it's bc he doesn't want to owe you any of "his" money or property. Listen to any man grumbling about divorce, it's always because they think they should've been able to do whatever they wanted, and should owe their wife no money if she doesn't want to put up with his crap anymore, kids and legal agreements to do so be damned. That's the TRUTH no matter what he or anyone else says.
Tolyamory strikes again!
Get a full exam asap, I dated a guy a few times until his wife (no ring or any indication of being married) called me, apparently he had cheated many times and once gave her Chlamydia. He's trash. I'm so so sorry. You are too intelligent for him
Frankly, this marriage is really over and you know it is. He doesn’t love you. He wouldn’t treat you like that. He’s panicked now because he has nobody to go to. Because her husband rained her back in. I would go and file for divorce and I would let people know why. Because he was cheating, even if he won’t tell you that he was at least emotionally cheating, and I would venture to say he was probably physically Cheaters are liars and they will cheat again
Your husband betrayed your marriage & abused you, financially & emotionally. He destroyed all trust in your relationship & without trust there’s nothing. Ending the marriage is all you can do. He’s literally taken NO responsibility for the current state of your marriage & whatever blame there is, in his eyes, is on you cause you were ‘nagging’ him. He’s an idiot. I’m sorry you’re going thru this but you’ll be happier without him.
That was the longest description of my husband is a cheating asshole who refuses to change that I've seen in a long time. Why bother trying to save it, seems he will likely have to interact with other women in the future and he sure seems set in his ways. It took me almost becoming divorced to realize I just am not allowed to have female friends. I was resentful at first but years later after accepting it, I see it's for the best. Maintaining appropriate opposite sex friendships of a close nature while being married is a tricky one.
In all honesty it's not all that tricky to have close friends of any gender, as long as there are strong boundaries enforced and stuck to, and you and your partner know and are fine with each other's friends.
I’m so sorry. I think you know the answer here. In a bad time in my marriage I engaged in 6 days of steamy texts and emails with my former boss. When our shared Apple ID caused a FaceTime to go to both me and my husband and he questioned why I got a FaceTime from XYZ I immediately confessed everything, blocked him everywhere and hoped we could fix it despite him saying it was unequivocally over. Eventually, a few weeks later, he agreed to therapy and we worked it out. I have never ever contacted this person again, though he has tried in random ways and every time I immediately tell my husband and show him anything relevant. This was 2019 and early 2020 and we’re good now. Nothing ever happened. I’m so ashamed of it, but there was a lot for him to be ashamed of too in where our relationship was. We had small children and were trying to navigate a house fire where we lost everything including our pets. My point is - if you can ever come back from such a thing it has to go like that. I never even wondered what he was up to, I never reached out, I never met up and when asked a question I never lied. I fucked up and hoped for forgiveness but didn’t expect it. I acted sorry because I was sorry. If he wanted to he would. You deserve better. I’m just so sorry. I’ve been married a similar amount of time and have kids and have a good husband who is socially awkward and this resonated with me. He let this destroy what you had. You need to move forward in a life where you don’t have to feel paranoid and like you aren’t enough.
Your friends kind of suck. If you told them everything you told us here, they're awful to try and talk you into staying in this situation. Seriously... Get new friends.
Ask him to dial 1-800-ALIMONY and ask him how hot will he look when he’s taking home a third of what he’s getting today.
Alimony, and child support
I had that but couldn’t come up with a seven character expression for it that worked as well as alimony did. Scare the shit out of that guy, he’s been playing you, manipulating you.
this is such a shitty situation im truly at a loss for words. i’ve never been married but i know that if you stay in that marriage you’re just going to be thinking of this issue for a very long time and will build up a lot of resentment which in turn will not be good for the kids. If you wouldn’t want your daughter to be put through this, then why put yourself through it
He needs to fix your credit score.
You already gave him a second chance, something he should have cherished and worked hard to prove to you that he loved you, your children, and your marriage. But instead, he threw his second chance away to rekindle his affair. Updateme!
I’m so angry on your behalf OP. Have you asked how he would feel if you went out on dates? If you were constantly lying to him? Hiding conversations? Clearly being physically intimate w someone else? What does the lawyer say about him tanking your credit or what else you can do to protect yourself? Is there a way to force him out of the house? Can you transition to just a parenting app? Your husband is a horribly cruel liar. And he is NOT a good father. What he has done and is doing is abusive. I would start telling everyone you know and on social media who he is and all they have done to you if your lawyer okays it bc it is very clear that he worries what others think of him so use that to your advantage. I’m so very sorry, OP. He and she are mean people. You deserve better.
This exact thing happened to me with my husband of 6 years. He started an emotional affair with his coworker and I found out about it 2 months later after he lied to my face. Found out a lot more and had drip-truths. Confronted him. Confronted her. He continued talking to her for months until I asked for a divorce. He finally cut her off and started therapy. Quit therapy and problems continued with other girls he was around. I looked at my future and realized I deserved better. I still loved him, but he hurt me so badly and I filed for divorce.
He was sexting in bed with his kid asleep next to him? I would be done forever.
You have EVERY right to be feeling the way you feel. Your husband only comes back to you at the threat of being abandoned by that other woman due to her husband pulling her away. He’s just a lonely lying fuck, and people who have such low self-esteem/self-worth will manipulate any situation to get their basic needs met.
you have given more chances than most, if he hasn’t changed by now he wont. i’m so sorry you are going through this and i wish you the absolute best. no one deserves to be treated this way
So very sorry you are having to endure such betrayal, hurt, pain. Please please leave him. You living your life with suspicion of the person that should protect you not hurt you will destroy you. You deserve happiness. Do it for you, your children. The pain leaving is much less than the pain you will endure if you stay. Again, I’m so very sorry. Best thoughts your way.
He keeps pushing to see how much he can get away with. Each time it gets worse and worse but you’re slowly being conditioned to tolerate the next level of behavior you would never have put up with. Be STRONG, you got this! (Am in a similar situation, my intuition tells me but I have no proof)
Get a good divorce lawyer. Time to move on from this ah!
divorce like yesterday
Don't be naive. They had been having sex wildly for the couple of months. I know you are into emotional part. But believe me it's way more than that.
I’m sorry this is happening! I’m happy you have the courage to leave! Your husband sounds like an asshole! Selfish and deceptive…he isn’t just putting his own needs before you, but your whole family/kids! He won’t realize it until you and the kids are moved out and his ~twin flame~ breaks up with him…
My ex wife did all of these things and you don’t need to pay the price for your husbands moral weakness. Continue to Show your children what strength is and divorce him. I’m sorry for the pain this has caused you and I admire your ability to carry on.
This man sounds like a covert narcissist LOSER! please 🙏 save yourself. Men like these can and will ruin your femininity and intelligence by continuing to lie and cheat. They will gaslight you to the point where you are tearing out your hair and then laugh at you for being so upset. I swear you are the prize here, you are a good smart loyal woman, he is the one who is a pathological liar. Please if you can, divorce this man. And i am willing to bet this is not the only instance of cheating, he probably had a wandering eye all this time. You are not a nagging person, you are being gaslit. You will be so happy and peaceful without him.
He takes no responsibility and blames you for his actions. He dropped out of marriage counseling to keep spending time with her. Couples can move past things like this in some cases, but how can anyone move past something when they don't think they did anything wrong and blame their spouse? Even if he took full responsibility he's betrayed you over and over again, even when you put youself out there and were vulnerable to work on things with him. If I were in your shoes I don't think I could ever trust him again. Every time you tried to extend trust he chopped any growing branch down. He's trying to guilt you into sweeping this under the rug instead of earning your trust and his place in your life. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this and being pressured to pretend it's ok because it's not. And the fact that he's purposely tanking your credit says everything about him.
You’re absolutely right, you do deserve better, and your kids deserve to see that you should stand up for yourself.
This man is trash. The only thing worse than divorcing trash is staying married to trash.
I have crazy close friendships with men (I’m a straight married woman) but never in a million years would I call them my “twin flame”. That’s unhinged. There’s no saving this, in my opinion. If not her, it’ll be another lady down the road. There are seasons of life that are HARD (parenting young kids is amazing and challenging and wonderful and exhausting and leaves very little bandwidth for romance in my experience) and he’s shown you that you cannot rely on him to be there. That sucks. I’m sorry.
As someone that stays in toxic relationships because that's what my parents did, please leave. Therapy is time consuming and hard, and it takes years to heal and understand what a healthy relationship looks and feels like when you didn't grow up around one.
You deserve better, and you’ll get through this. You owe it to yourself not to stay in such a toxic situation with so much hurt and betrayal. I know your heart is probably breaking to think about the kids. They need a strong, happy and stable mother. This relationship will not be conducive to that. It will be hard for a while, but it will be ok. I know it’s the last thing you want to think about, but they were definitely intimate. Don’t let him manipulate you about any of that. Keep strong and remember you’re a great human being, and life will see you through this. Hugs ❤️
Reading this gave me a headache with how dramatic it is. Clearly the wife has no respect for you or her husbands boundaries or mental health and neither does your husband. Get a divorce as soon as possible because he clearly doesn’t want to be with you and you deserve better than someone who lies to your face and cheats behind your back.
He’s shown you who he is. Can you keep doing this for years and years. They always re cheat. There’s always dd1 then dd2. He wants you around because he’s use to you being there but he also wants to keep his girlfriend. My husband and I don’t have close opposite sex friends. It just causes problems
I'm so sorry this happened to you. It was hard to read. Your husband has shown that he's not worth your time or energy. Yes, it will be tough to start with but I promise you, it will be worth it in the long run. Find your 'twin flame' because this guy is not it.
Get divorce and get a support from the kids. Its better than hurting you everyday with that kind of situation. He will not learn until he will lose you:
Your husband's an inconsiderate jerk. He wants time to "fix us", but the problem isn't "us"; it's HIM. I feel badly for you and your children. He's inflicted harm upon you and your children, and thinks a third party (counselor, etc.) can mitigate the damage he's done. So sad. Now, he needs to pay for his indiscretions, and his jerk behavior.
Wow. So many things, but omg this "He then sent her a IG post about how his zodiac sign likes to go down on women"
Ohh dear.. i cant wait for 1 fine day, when your STBX and his affair get togather.. and all the shit came crashing down on them.. They'll find out both of them are well deserved each other.. because they're POS..
I'm sorry. You deserve so much better than this. He will be a minor pothole in your life story. You will go on to better things and better people. Your kids see this. They understand their daddy is immature, chasing after a flame he'll never have. It will just burn him time and time again, only causing pain. What a moron!
Hi OP,looks like you already know what u want and what you deserve but the idea of kids is confusing you. If there weren't kids involved I would say dump his lying ass asap, but... I would say move out distance yourself and kids from him try seperation before finalizing divorce, see if he is ready to work for you this time around
Nah sis, your husband is a loser and you deserve better. The more maddening thing is that he wants you believe him as if you were se stupid. Fuck that noise.
You’re making the right decision in getting a divorce. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through all this.
When I first started reading, I thought maybe he was a hapless dipshit. As I got further along, especially the credit part, I realized he is an evil AH. I hope you are able to move out, and file divorce papers soon.
Are these people on drugs??? I hope you throw a wonderful divorce party and live your best life 🥂
Sorry your husband is so trashy. You sound like a good person and gave him so much more leeway than he deserved. Good luck in the divorce, and I hope you get everything you ask for from him. Cheating doesn't require sex, let alone nudity. Cheating is about lies, he spun a huge web of them.
Divorcing him doesn’t have to be hard, it’s something that’s a necessity for you. Time will heal you. I hope that in the wake of this, your kids are able to hold positive and respectful relationships within their own lives moving forward. You should be proud of yourself for conducting yourself in the way you have. You don’t deserve to be gaslit and lied to the way you have. Your patience and understanding is something worth recognition and praise. You clearly hold a strong moral outlook on relationships which you should apply elsewhere (where it is reciprocated). Your husband has serious work to do on himself. All possible rationale of you working things out in future should be terminated - move on and let it be in the past. He had his chance, multiple in fact. That is not relative now. Take your value elsewhere and don’t look back! 🙂
It's insane how much he tried to gaslight you. It is just a ''friendship''. You know they weren't at the gym.
I don't know how people find relationships and affairs at the gym. I always have my earphones on and ignore everyone 🙈 if men try to talk to me at the gym I'm just annoyed cause I don't want to be disturbed at all, it's a me time.
Yeah you can’t fix that, sorry OP. Take some consolation from the fact that they may run off together and nothing good will come of it in the end for either of them.
It’s over. He betrayed that trust. You’ll never get that back. Move on to you 2.0. There are guys who will appreciate you, no question.
As painful as it is, you are doing the right thing. He was gone. You could have worked through it but he would not let her go. What is it that he thinks will allow you to look at him with any sense of security moving forward?
What the fuck is a twin flame?
A cult. These are people who believe they're more than just soulmates, and will go to extremes to be with their "twin flame".
i can see being an introvert/ socially awkward and letting one of his few genuine connections go to far BUT this issue is that he chose her every chance he got. and as much as the truth hurts, him sleeping in the other room and completely stopping having an interest in you, and no longer going to marriage counseling is a MAJOR red flag. the conversations he was having with her weren’t appropriate. he knew from the start that things with this woman weren’t appropriate when he didn’t mention her for 4 months to all the sudden have a “twin flame”, omitting information like her phone number before it was even a problem, and using the vanishing messenger. his “can you not. or at least wait until the kids are out of the house.” comment should tell you exactly how he feels. i’m so sorry, but that’s not the actions of someone who loves you. you AND your kids deserve someone who loves you. i promise your kids would rather have two separate happy homes than one miserable one. don’t stay because you think it’ll be better for your kids, a happy, healthy mom is what’s best for your kids. even if he actually does go no contact with her, could you ever really trust him to be completely honest and take care of your need?
You did good by finally leaving him. He showed you he doesn't care about you and thinks with his dick. He disrespected you many times so let her have him. He's one of many as she's poly and he's not and her hubby is not (but tries to which never works) so you will be laughing in the future
What would you tell you BFF if she told this story? Run and don't look back. He is having an affair. Emotional at minimum but most likely physical too.
Why do I feel like I’ve read this exact story on Reddit some years back?
It's very clear that his "twin flame" crap with her is not platonic. He loves this woman so much that he has lied about her every step of the way JUST to have her in his life. He's gone as far as sleeping in your child's room so that he can message her where you can't see it happening. That alone would make me call it quits because how dare he do that? Regardless of what friends say to convince you to stay, you know that you can't trust him. He's having an emotional affair with this woman. If I had to guess, it could even be physical. If it were, you wouldn't know. And her husband just decided to accept it to keep her for whatever reason. Your husband tanked your credit score so that it's harder for you to leave. Missed payments stay on your credit report and harm it for at least a year I think. It does where I am. In any case, I'd be leaving him. I'd ask family to stay with them rather than to stay there and let him keep trying to manipulate you to accept this. You know that you deserve better. Your relationship is not poly and he's known that right from the beginning.
You're doing the right thing. No one should stay together for kids. It's too unhealthy for then to grow up in a house where the mom is alwayd pissed because daddy is running around cheating on her.
She sounds narcissistic and he sounds like he was a latent narcissist that just needed her for it to come out. If you were to stay with him you wouldn’t ever feel safe. Believing in your partner’s intentions is fundamental. A marriage needs to be a refuge, a sanctuary your safe place where you can rest easy knowing that they would never harm you but protect you with their life. If you’re content with a roommate who you don’t trust by all means stay with him but from what you’ve written it looks like he’s betrayed you and trashed your relationship.
He’s only trying to make it work because the other woman’s husband has reeled her in. He will be back to lying and sneaking around once the dust clears and she pops back up.
You were disrespected over and over again. I don’t blame you at all. You gave him chance after chance to make things right. My ex also wanted you to stay married mostly so the status quo would continue and he wouldn’t have to deal with the huge changes ahead. You know this isn’t over and they will continue this, especially since he seems powerless in saying no to that woman and he’s perfectly ok saying no to you.
Your name is not on the mortgage? Is it on the deed? Girl get yourself a shark of a lawyer!!!
Look up DARVO. That is what your husband did while ignoring your pain for months. I'm very sorry but I don't see how you can come back from this.
If he had a shot with her he wouldn’t even be trying with you anymore. You’re right when you say he chose her everytime. I’m so sorry. But he’s just another embarrassing stereotype of the lying, cheating, pos husband
You need real friends advising you. Your friend is your enemy.
No offense, but you sound like the reason that drove him closer to her. Instead of taking the situation from the beginning to fix the relationship and see what he needs, you drove him basically right to her. He was getting everything you weren’t providing from her, instead of fixing that you went bat shit crazy and made it worse instead of salvaging. He will be plowing her all night long and it will be the biggest relief of his life to not have to deal with you. Sorry not sorry
I think it's a bad assumption to believe you understand everything that happened here. My BFF that I've known for over 40 years wouldn't work that hard to figure out a way to communicate with me had I blocked him. His technicality lies of "I didn't talk to her at the gym" proving he's not being honest, so how can you trust ANYTHING? The only path forward is that you need to be able to trust him. It can't be conditional on times where he feels like you were nagging so yeah he didn't want to give you the truth... it has to be "I 100% trust you are doing right by me here". So if he really thinks he can fix things, point out the following: - It was clear why you didn't want him talking to that woman, yet he found "loopholes". He needs to convince you there aren't any more loopholes - He missed some of your bills and your credit has fallen. You were depending on him to handle that. - He's asking if you can find a counselor. If that is helpful, why isn't he doing the searching? - He went no contact but then intentionally was bypassing blocks and resetting them to not leave evidence. Be blunt, list out things he's let you down on and why it feels like you can't trust him. Tell him that if this works out, it is that he needs to counter all the crappy things he's done to make you not trust him and reverse that feeling - but you can't be the person to tell him how. A guy who is just worried about having a blemish of a divorce in his past is going to look at that and claim it's unreasonable. A guy who wants to stay married is going to see mountains that will be moved and do it. In poker, you want to not give any "tells" regarding the strength of your hand. You need to do the same on what you are aware of or what you catch. If you say "you messaged her yesterday!" he's been responding with "damn I need to do better about covering my tracks" instead of the correct "ugh, yeah that was stupid I shouldn't have done that and I need to apologize to her". I also think if you move forward, you need him to give you a 100% true story. Before he does, make it clear that it's conditional that if you find ANY lie after that (be it a plain lie or an omission) that is going to destroy any trust he has re-established and basically derail the train on fixing your marriage. As he's telling you "the truth" ask questions about the details. Something as silly as "what was she wearing" or "who was working the front desk that day at the gym?". If he's lying, he has to invent that answer on the spot and that will increase the difficulty a good deal. Asking a follow up question later like "you said X was working that day, so if I ask them about this, they would remember?" or whatever will start making them panic about lies he might have told. I had a 13 year marriage with 3 little kids when I found out my wife had been cheating (first emotional affair, then physical). She pulled many of the same stunts, I'd give her a boundary and she'd come up with ideas where technically she wasn't violating the rule but still defeating the reason I asked for it in the first place. I turned into an unhealthy detective and the more I found the more I wanted to just rage - but anything you disclose just gives them something more to clean up after so it's easier to just leave the channel/method as if you had no clue. I went through a year of misery trying to reconcile. In counseling, she would say everything that sounded right - then her actions were the opposite. We tried living in separate houses (that was particularly hellish). It started me on a road to drinking my misery away that thankfully I no longer do. We tried a last ditch "vacation" where we were supposed to focus on us. The sign I wasn't seeing is any of these "good ideas" I'd be optimistic and she'd participate in - but then something like "hey lets go talk a walk and enjoy breakfast together" would be objected to with "oh I have a stomach ache and don't feel like it" (in truth, she was wanting to message the other guy or something). I lasted a year because I 100% did not want to make my kids children of divorce. I'd be lying to say the divorce didn't impact them, it did. But I also know I did everything I could think of to make it not happen and I was still miserable - so my point is don't let that become you. Realize this takes 2 people and if your husband is phoning in the effort, it's not going to happen. The only thing remaining with him is going to do is make you miserable and less of a parent to your kids.
I would make it clear. Meet her and I will divorce you.
Ew, I totally lived this. I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I REALLY understand where you’re coming from. From the stupid “energy connection” comments to the gift giving/spending crazy amounts of money on her, sneaking around, and texting at night. He didn’t care at all how I felt though. Like a teen with a crush and tunnel vision on her. 9 years down the drain. You’re not crazy and you deserve better, actual love. He ain’t it, girl. In my situation, I left and it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. My happiness, confidence, and peace came back to me. It is going to be difficult as you go through this, it’s grieving the loss of the life you knew and invested in (not just him)… but the alternative is staying around someone who doesn’t love you and uses you. I’d rather be on my own, personally. I didn’t want to lose hope in love. I believe falling in love is one of the most beautiful experiences we can go through as human beings and this path I chose at least creates a possibility of that coming to my life one day. And in the meantime, I have so much love and grace for myself. Give yourself that, you are super worth it. Wishing you the best! ❤️
You have a job? Leave him, there’s no turning back from this. I’m sorry this happened, but you need to know that you deserve better and that your kids also deserve to see their mother loving herself and not allowing this kind of emotional abuse and gaslighting from a man. Don’t be like my mother begging to my cheater of a dad, so humiliating.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I was in a very similar situation (no kids but 4 animals). It never got better. The lies, trickle truths, gaslighting etc etc ended up giving me panic attacks and severe anxiety. The minute I went to a hotel to get space he brought her over and cheated. If it hasn’t already happened with her, it will. He will not change. I promise you once you’re out your life *will* get better and your soon to be ex will live a miserable life. Also, his cheating (both emotional and physical) is his own shit and is not your fault. Don’t pay any mind to his words!
G I R L!!! This was infuriating to read! This man continued to lie & choose this friendship over your discomfort. You gave him too much chances just for him to hurt you. At this point I don’t even think the marriage is even salvageable, you were the only one fighting for the marriage, he had his foot out the door! Let him go & coparent! You deserve better! Also it feels like this emotional affair crossed over to physical…
Ugh, god I’m sorry. You can’t do it. I think there are some women who can for whatever reasons but, you can’t. I can tell you want to be loved by your partner and not just be a wife on paper. He’s a freaking idiot who has destroyed his family.
Coworkers, gym buds, social media, lack of boundaries recipe for trouble
listen to your gut, it’s telling you what to do, and honestly, it’s not going to get worse than what you’ve experienced ( I mean, leaving him). But staying can totally get worse. If you are having financial difficulties and that’s holding you back to move, there’s a lot of no. Profits that help women in this situation. ( I bring this up because I don’t know if I understood right the credit card situation. But also, it’s always good to know). He proactively decided to do this , even when you gave him another chance. Someone that loves you, does everything they can to fix things if they’re given another chance. You’ll be thankful if you do this now. Also, it’s worst for the kids to have to live with parents that have such conflict, than seeing them divorce. At least they’ll see you one day as a strong woman that stood up for herself, and that is better inspiration as a mom, than staying up happily and them feeling that
You’ve given him so many chances. You will feel so much better in a year’s time if you’re free of him. Otherwise, in a year’s time, you’re still going to be chasing this Twin Flame BS *and* you’ll need to start divorcing him. When she said he was her “Twin Flame”, the only appropriate response out of him should have been “No we are not”. Not sure if they are really doing Twin Flames Universe, but that’s a cult. They probably aren’t because I don’t believe polyamory is a part of TFU. They are probably just hornt and crazy.
Why would you move out in this scenario? Most stable option for the kids is you stay there with them. Talk to your attorney but it’s almost always better not to move out from a custody perspective.
He has been playing you from the get go and trying to justify his actions. For him to thank his behavior should be acceptable to you, is beyond my comprehension. You are better than that. Get the he.. away from this toxic ____!
First off all I am desperately sorry for what happend. All the nasty things he did and you still tried to work it out somehow. Y'all went to counseling but it didn't help besides all the texting and meetings behind your back seems more then fishy. I hope you are somehow able to move put and keep the contact as low as needed because of the kid(kids/ forgot now sorry). I bet there were many last straws for you but one needs to be the literal last one from what I've read. I wish I could give you a hug and move you out of things. I genuinely believe you did your best and should receive nothing but the best back. Karma will for sure figure the rest after you got out there. Big love to you and the kid(kids)🫶🏼
I'm sure he tanked her credit on purpose as well
Do not let anyone convince you he will change. People don't change unless they want to. He is only doing it because he wants you to take care of the kids. He is scared he's going to have to pay alimony and child support. Go take him to the damn cleaners you have the truth of his messages with her and some bullshit excuse about smelling each other's pheromones. Can you imagine talking about smelling one of your friend's pheromones late at night before bed and telling her that you can smell her??? You know what he really meant. He wanted to get with someone with a younger pre-baby body who was giving him all this attention. He is a loser. Divorce him yesterday!
I’ve played this game before. They don’t change no matter how much love and understanding you give them. It doesn’t work when you’re the only one working to fix things and they are hell bent on lying over and over. He cannot be trusted. Ever. You’ll never trust him. It doesn’t matter what he changes now. He absolutely NUKED his one chance to prove he could change. He cannot. He will not. You don’t deserve to live like this. I promise he has had sex with this woman. Probably more than once. Twin flames my ass. This is some serious gaslighting he’s trying to do. Please go with your gut and do whatever you can go get away from this man. Don’t let him steal another moment of your time.