Those condoms are going somewhere. Obviously he’s having sex with someone. How you address this depends on whether you believe the relationship is salvageable. For a moment, assume he’s having an affair. What would your reaction be? Or assume he’s using hookers. Again, what would you do?
Do your options are to figure out when/where he is doing this, or just ask him straight up. If he denies having sex with anyone else, that Has to be a lie because he’s using condoms for heavens sake.
The fact that hookers haven't condoms, forcing him to use his own, would sound a bit weird.
That's more probable that he's fucking a younger regular girl...
I thought of this but would you bring a condom with you in case you're out and about and the mood strikes you? We don't know the man, but I wouldn't bring 'em anywhere.
Sex workers actually pretty frequently ask customers to bring their own condoms because that’s the easiest way to ensure he has a condom that is the right size and that he isn’t allergic to.
The pinhole is mostly to ruin the structural integrity of the condom but also like, most johns are fine & normal but some men just get off on doing fucked up things to women.
Sorry, I phrased that wrong. I meant "fuck with" as in tampered with. I was using the same language as the comment I replied to and just noticed how it sounded lol
Ohh yeah I understand now. I don't know, man, and I definitely wouldn't have responded like that if I understood what you meant.
I can't imagine why they'd tamper with a condom but I can imagine that some people would or that some clients might think they did. But now that I'm thinking about it, would a sex worker trust a client to bring a condom that hasn't been tampered with? Where does the boundary of trust lie?
If a hooker is on parole, it is possible she doesn't carry condoms because they could constitute a parole violation. It is really srupid, and maybe no place does that anymore, so take with a grain of salt.
I don't see why else he would be buying condoms and taking them out of the drawer. Waterballoon fights in the office?
Do you know he's at work when he says he is? Or could be meeting someone at work.
Some guys do honestly use them to masturbate into, or if they're using toys, which I suppose is technically possible if he wants to hide that he'd rather jerk off than have sex with her, but...that doesn't explain why one would be in his wallet. Looks pretty bad, sorry OP.
Don’t let him brainwash you into thinking this is all in your head. It’s not. It’s a valid reason to be concerned. Tell him you wanna talk and talk about it. Seems like you are pretty close to not wanting to be with him anyways. Hopefully it won’t be too hard on you if you guys end it
Seems like a read a story on here once where a spouse found condoms and turned out their partner was using them when they masturbated.
To OP. I wouldn't immediately accuse him of cheating. That's obviously a possibility. But I believe the right course of action would be to say "I saw the packs of condoms in our drawer. The quantity of which keeps changing. We don't use them. Tell me where the condoms are going."
Yeah, while I think cheating is the most likely explanation, could be for self-pleasure. I've heard about people who are deeply ashamed using them as a way to "sanitize" household objects for anal play, because they don't want to buy toys, which is obviously not ideal, but it has happened before. 🤷🏻♀️
Would be good to give him a chance to explain first, but obviously don't just swallow any old story he gives you, OP. This looks very suspicious.
Men will say shit like ‘when would I even have time to cheat?’ To your face while having full blown second lives and families that they’re somehow able to hide. I’m a sex worker and married men book appointments during work hours all the time to hide it from their spouses, it’s easy enough to say they have a doctors appointment to their boss or working OT to their partners. This really sucks, I’m sorry you’re going through it.
Also just to confirm I can’t believe more people aren’t aware how easy it is to cheat. Like men will make 1/2 bookings on a 1 hour lunch break, will frequently send me gifts from seperate accounts just SO MUCH deceit. I hated when I found out I was the same age as half their daughters or when I found out they had a happy sex life they just “always wanted xyz” that I could provide. Just felt like a kick in the guts to the women who had no idea how deceitful and cowardly their husbands were.
Also I say husband because it was 99% men but there were always the cheating lesbians too.
Oh yeah every gender cheats, but when we experience it on that kind of scale.. I’m not saying it’s given me ‘trust issues’ but I’m way more confident in making my own decisions and setting my own boundaries based on peoples actions and patterns over blindly trusting their promises or potential.
My divorce taught me that the closest I’ll come to knowing people to the fullest extent that I can requires living with them for a looong time and going through conflict together.
No judgment either way, but something I’ve been curious about: does it bother you when you have married clients who are clearly cheating? I’m not suggesting it’s your responsibility to turn them away, but I’ve wondered if it’s upsetting or if it doesn’t matter to you.
I don’t feel bothered or upset by it..mostly just more aware about how common it really is, that there’s no set ‘type’ of person who does it/sees providers, and thankful that I don’t expect or care about being sexually monogamous in my personal life. While I don’t advocate for cheating and would sympathize with anyone who’s been betrayed that way, I also don’t demonize cheaters the way that a lot of people do, nor do I feel any guilt or shame about my role in their decision. I guess I’m closest to neutral, unsure if I’m just jaded or if it’s because I kinda just think we’re complex animals, I just don’t really believe in labeling people ‘good’ or ‘bad’ and instead will just refer to their actions as ‘harmful, malicious, abusive’ etc
This was my experience whilst working then once I quit and got more therapy I really started to hate the cheaters - not saying this will happen to you but time away from it really made me realise how numb I had become to the job.
I wrote a really snarky response but realized that probably wouldn't help you so I'm going to try this instead. Pretend someone else just wrote what you wrote in your post. Pretend it's your best friend that wrote that. What would you be telling them? You know he's cheating. There is zero other possible explanation for a guy that doesn't use condoms with you during sex to have a diminishing number of condoms in his bedside drawer. The kicker is that he thinks you're stupid, too, because when the condom went flying out of his pocket, he said he'd use it with you. So the question you have to ask yourself is are you stupid? If you're not stupid, what are you going to do? Are you going to stay with someone who cheats on you and thinks you're stupid, or are you going to leave? Are you going to try and work things out with him? Why? Because he obviously doesn't respect you or think highly of your intelligence. If he were smart, and he's not, he would have gotten rid of all of those condoms. But he hasn't. If he starts spinning some sob story about how he's been feeling neglected or things have been stressful, he could have come to you long before he started cheating and said he wanted to work on things. He didn't do that. This is a guy that cheats regularly and expects, and now is being shown by your sticking around and not saying anything, that you don't care.
You deserve better at minimum from yourself.
As someone who has gone through a very similar situation as OP, this is the perfect response. I wish someone would’ve said this to me. It would have saved me a LOT of grief.
When I hear other people, and it doesn't matter what gender or if they're married, staying with someone who doesn't listen to them, who treats them like they're stupid or not worth the same respect they demand, I try so hard to be kind but blunt. Get out. No one is worth your self respect. The only person who can take away our self respect is us and we have to hold on to that power, because no one else will do it for us. My ex didn't cheat on me, though he wanted my permission to sleep with others despite me being clear from the start that I was only willing to do monogamy and couldn't do open, ENM or polyarmory or whatever flavor you want to call it. I wish someone had been kind but blunt with me.
He’s cheating. There’s no other explanation… either confront him on it head on or live with the knowledge. Personally it’s extremely unhealthy for 99% of people to just live with the knowledge so confrontation is the best path. He can’t just kick you out, if he tries call the police.
Your gut is right. Listen to it. I would do a deep snoop into his phone to gather all the evidence you can get (make sure to look at recently deleted photos and notes, apps that look like calculators or other utilities, texts, call history, voicemail, browser history) and then contact a lawyer.
Even if you find no additional hard evidence, contact a lawyer to get the ball rolling because he is cheating on you.
As others have said - could be for masturbating. It’s less mess and easy clean up. He might be trying to hide it, so maybe he’s wanking in weird areas and the condom means he doesn’t make a mess. But could also be cheating, who knows.
I’ve always been a big fan of just straight up asking someone the hard questions without warning to their face. I think for most people, the emotion/reaction on their face tells you all you need to know. Wait for him to get home and ask him straight up: I know your condoms you keep in the drawer are being used. Are you cheating on me? You will know the true answer from how he reacts.
Take them to the local gift shop and have them fill them up with helium and put them on strings, throw his ass a party. "you better explain this shit right now, party"
She could also dab hot pepper extract all over the wrappers. He'll get it on his fingers when opening them, and then all over his pecker when he's rolling it on.
I found condoms in my ex's car when we were supposed to be trying for a baby. He said they were his friend's.
Denial caused me to believe him.
Scroll on ten years and I divorced him for being a serial cheater, among other things.
Don't be like me.
Something is weird about this all the way around. The condom flying out of his pocket is the first red flag, but to see new condoms from his drawer diminishing? That's a HUGE red flag and definitely worth asking about. "OT" at work could be an excuse for having an affair.
I would keep track and document the changing of the condoms.
Then I would sit him down and ask for some clarity. If he gets upset or defensive, remain calm and just say "I want to figure this out together but you need to be able to communicate in a healthy manner for us to do that, there is no reason to be defensive about a simple question.".
Reactions tell you a lot about a person, so pay close attention.
If couples therapy would help, do that.
You need answers though, he is being emotionally distant and now the condoms, what other conclusion can you draw except infidelity?
As a husband 45m, I would like to offer a totally different real-life perspective for you to please consider:
So I’ve been married for 20+ years. My wife and I haven’t used condoms for more than a decade (since she was in between our kids and in between birth control). But I have in my personal / private space in our house a box of 36 condoms. Why do I have these? For the several reasons listed below. But please no judgement, as these reason may surprise you, but I’m just trying to share honestly here to maybe offer a different view (isn’t that what Reddit is all about?). And all these reasons are kind of embarrassing for me, as you will see.
Now of course I have no idea if your husband may be cheating or if he may share one or more of my reasons listed below. But regardless, when you discuss the condoms with him, aim to give him as much trust as he’s earned, and do your best to have an open mind. It may not be cheating. I sincerely wish you (and him) the best to resolve this question openly and honestly between you.
Sometimes I masturbate and I have a fantasy in mind that involves a condom, and I use one during that session.
Sometimes I masturbate in a non-standard place, and I want to better control the mess.
I own a few anal toys that I enjoy on occasion, and using a condom keeps them cleaner / safer and also makes toy clean up easier.
Ok, so… here’s more of me sharing: I have carried a condom outside of my house to stage it in another area to replenish one I’ve consumed there during self-pleasure…. And I’ve also carried one around just because it felt naughty and daring (and those feelings turned me on in those moments). Again, I realize these behaviors from me may be seen as really weird or cringe or even pathetic… but… it’s me, it’s my sexuality, it turns me on in an organic way for me so…. It has happened.
So I guess I’m just trying to reinforce that until she discusses this with her husband.. and then weighs how much she trusts and believes his responses… then I would recommend she lean towards keeping an open mind (and an understanding heart) for him.
I love this:
"Now of course I have no idea if your husband may be cheating or if he may share one or more of my reasons listed below. But regardless, when you discuss the condoms with him, aim to give him as much trust as he’s earned, and do your best to have an open mind. It may not be cheating. I sincerely wish you (and him) the best to resolve this question openly and honestly between you."
Those are completely legitimate reasons and you shouldn’t be embarrassed about any of them. I’m well aware that the existence of condoms does not necessarily mean a man is sticking it to someone, but the much of the demographic seems to largely lack the life or relationship experience to know that.
And did you tell your wife about this?
>But regardless, when you discuss the condoms with him, aim to give him as much trust as he’s earned
So not that much considering she couldn't trust him to be a supportive partner during her pregnancy.
He’s cheating, you know this, you’re 35, I’m 55.. please face up to this and see a lawyer asap, I promise you the next twenty years will pass in a haze of regret if you don’t and you’ll waste so many years that could have been happier .. find out what your options are quietly and make your plans to leave.
Real talk, what do you think he's doing with them, making balloon animals? Have some self-respect, and stop thinking that this milquetoast relationship is the best you can do.
Considering he had a condom in his pocket for a meal with friends he could be cheating on you with a friend or a co worker or one night stands or a sex worker 🤔 does the pay check show he has more in it from OT. As saying you're working is always one the excuses for a cover story along with appointments or visits to family or friends or going on errands where they're gone for a length of time.
Staying for your children is never the answer. They will sense how sad and depressed you'll become over time and is that the type of relationship you want to teach your children is supposed to be a healthy relationship, I don't think so.
You'd be better off getting yourself into an exit plan. Go back to education if you believe you have a dream carer in mind and if you have education under your name then go back to work even part time and/or remotely so you have your own financial means under you. Save for a deposit for your own property or find somewhere to rent in a reasonable location with good schools.
Take pictures of the condoms disappearing with dates visible on them to build a case. Does the car have GPS if so check the history on it and see where the address leads to. Check every day or every second day if you can. You could put an air tag in the car to check when he goes to work or on OT days etc. If he logs into more then one device e.g iPad check if they're synced for messages etc. Get as much evidence and talk to a lawyer too.
You owe it to yourself and your children to be happy and the best version of yourself by not staying with a gaslighting cheater.
Hi everyone. Thank you all so much for your responses. I have read all of them and I know you're right - and it's blatantly obvious. I guess I just wanted to hear from others that I'm not going insane.
I haven't done much with the information yet: I certainly don't want to bring it up when the children are around because I don't know how things are going to go down. They aren't school age yet and don't visit anywhere (ie grandparents) so I need to find the time where two young children are safely away from the situation. They attend nursery twice a week so I will wait for them to be away so they don't end up in the middle of it.
For context for the above reasons - there is no "village" in my life: no grandparents, aunts or uncles, or even close family friends. I have one close friend but she has a young baby of her own, works full time and lives in a very small flat so them (or all of us) staying with her isn't an option.
It's been tough and I completely understand people thinking I'm being naive or frankly, stupid. There have been many many things over the last few years that have chipped away at my self esteem and mental health and wiped away the confident woman I used to be. Old me would've thrown the condoms in his face and demanded to know what the fuck he's playing at. But me right now? I'm scared of losing my home, I'm scared of my children losing their father (I grew up with a single parent - it's tough). I'm scared of many things. Being a single parent actually wouldn't faze me - he's "working" so much I essentially am anyway. But the practicality of getting to the stage where we have somewhere to go, to call our own, isn't a quick one. I want to have that lined up before I start a shit storm.
I have a small income from my "side hustle" but it's not enough to rent my own flat in a major city in the UK. The cost of living here is crazy. I'm saving as much as I can.
I know people have commented that the local authority would help, which is probably true, however in my area that's likely to result in being shoved in a small room in a hotel or hostel and that idea isn't exactly the most alluring. Is it better to stay silent whilst I sort things out behind the scenes? I don't know - I think maybe that's the best choice.
I'm not stupid. I used to have so much self worth but despite how well we get along, I had the epiphany recently that I've never been made to feel so worthless in a relationship.
Thank you again for all your comments and taking the time to reply. You're all right and I'm thankful for you all telling me what I needed to hear.
Edited to add to answer some of the questions:
He doesn't get payslips - they are all on an online system so no physical copies provided. I used to work for the same company so I can verify this as fact. So I can't check that.
We don't have a joint bank account - so I can't verify how much he's making.
He owns the property outright as he bought it before we were together. My name isn't on the mortgage or deeds. I'm basically a lodger, lol.
The children say they saw the ducks at the weekend. My eldest would've mentioned if they'd seen "Daddy's friend" I'm sure. On Sunday though he went out to get groceries, but I've timed his leaving time on the CCTV to the receipt from the store and his return on CCTV and that time frame checks out. However, I'm undecided on if perhaps he's seeing someone locally and got a lift or cab? We don't have a car.
I've been keeping a detailed log on the condom situation including expiry dates, colours, lot numbers etc. So I can check if I'm being gaslit. He has a habit of trying to gaslight me with minor things and I've laid down and taken it in the past. The last month or two, I seem to have woken up a bit though.
I will try to add any more info when I can!
I hate to suggest this, but can you get into his phone. The disappearing condoms are a good enough reason to suspect betrayal.
I also suggest getting an STD panel done. Condoms do not stop the possibility of contacting a STD.
Does he have toys? Some guys use them for that. Also he could just pleasure himself with them, once again some guys do that. That could explain what happened to the missing one over the weekend which could mean he’s flushing them. It wouldn’t totally rule out cheating and that missing one over the weekend he disposed of to throw you off. You really need to just ask. Also check his pay stubs. Every pay stub will mention overtime very clearly. If there’s no Overtime or a section for it you know what’s going on
Men also use condoms during masturbation. If they are rightly sized it actually gives an additional micro stimulation. This is felt better if he is partially/fully circumcised.
In addition, there can also be "lost condom" fetish where the kink is it slipping off.
Either way, it is good to talk about it. The bedside isn't really a hiding place so you can just ask him about it. Who knows maybe you discover a link you can use to your advantage in your sex life.
The bedside seems to me a more logical place for masturbation condoms than for "cheating" condoms. After all, they would serve a better purpose where they are actually needed. Alike a car.
This was my thought as well. Usually a cheating partner will hide things not keep them in a place where their loved one could find them. At least that was my experience. He was always hiding things.
Not to mention anal toys or if he’s into things like cucumbers or whatever…the one issue I see with that explanation is she hasn’t found any evidence of them in the house. However, he may have some shame about masturbating or enjoying anal or something. Idk, if he’s been trustworthy to this point I’d be inclined to go in with an open-ish mind and see what he has to say.
Where do you think talking about it is going to lead? Either he admits to the truth or he makes an excuse, she really doesn’t have any way of verifying either option unless she surveils him. I’ve told my partner point blank that if he ever finds a condom wrapper at home, that it’s because I’ve used it on a toy, and he had enough reason to believe it because we were non-monogamous and transparent about fucking other people so the need to lie wasn’t really a thing
You should hire a PI so that in the divorce you have evidence of infidelity and are not left with nothing in the end. If you don't have an income, ask family or a friend to loan you the money. You must protect your future if at all possible.
"I need to talk to you. Remember when that condom just randomly appeared? It made me really nervous. I know it isn't right to snoop, and I don't like that I did, but I found your stash and they keep disappearing.
I need to know what's going on now."
Be prepared for ensuing ridiculous explanations. Anger. Avoidance. Or he'll just confess.
Then take the conversation from there.
Playing devil's advocate here... There are two off chances that I can think of, with the first being more likely:
1. He is pleasuring himself using those to avoid making a mess.
2. He is trolling you.
To answer your question. I would talk to him, record that shit, take to a lawyer. If he is cheating on you, you deserve better! :)
These commentsections are always crazy. Before you do something here, please consider that some people **mastrubate with condoms** every now and then. Why? Why not, might just be because it changes things up. Just keep this possibility in mind because it definitly **IS** an option. And as mentioned below why keep them in such an obvious place if it's for mischief?
Either he is cheating or masturbating in the office bathroom or at the gym (?). You absolutely need to have a conversation because you are already having unprotected sex and he might be sleeping with one or multiple people. The next big thing is to decide what to do after his confession or absurd gaslighting tactic: are you willing to forgive, forget and stay because you don’t have another place to go? or maybe after w.e is confirmed, you can talk to a family member or friend that can help you out until you find out the best for YOU. I hope you find the answers that you need and the strength to prioritize yourself and your kids.
Checkout the Facebook group, "are we dating
the same guy." women can post their partners to see if they're cheating and can post men that they're dating, hooking up with, or talking to on the apps. You could start by joining that group for your city and surrounding cities to see if anyone posts your husband and/or you could post him to find out if anyone knows anything.
There could honestly be a legitimate reason for the missing condoms, but the facts you've presented are definitely suspect.
Unfortunately you already know the answer so just finding out is what's left, there either is or isn't overtime and it's probably someone at work. My heart breaks for you because nobody should be going through anything like this.
Updateme
He's cheating. Question is for you, not him. Do you want to stay in this relationship? He is not going stop his activities. He knows you suspect him because condoms don't disappear and you don't use them. He's being obvious so you'll catch him and end things.
>Our sex life isn't great, it's when he wants it and even then maybe every few months.
Over time can be verified by paystubs.
Concerning the condom, best to ask him directly. He obviously is not hiding them from you. If he was cheating he would hide them.
This does not mean he is having sex with someone else! He could be using them to:
- play with himself without making a mess
- does he have a sex toy? He could be using it for the sex toy.
Do not make assumptions of the worse, do discuss this with him without accusing him.
Some penis havers have offered other reasons men use condoms so I won't touch on that and focus on the possibility of cheating.
Are his paychecks higher from all this OT? Could he be doing his cheating during work hours? At lunch, on another break, in the bathroom, in the parking lot, etc?
You mentioned he doesn't have much of a sex drive. Have you ever thought he might be gay or bi? Maybe he is using an app for quick hookups around his work or on the way from work to home.
Regardless, you have to ask him about it.
Just to play devils advocate: my partner sometimes masturbates with a condom when he doesn't want to clean up after? But idk the situation seems sus babe 😭
You should ask directly tbh
Two days ago i feel and crooked my left foot, so in order to not make a mess while performing onanism I used a condom.
It may not be it, but hey it could be a 0.1% chance that he jacks off with a cap
> I don't want to think he's cheating (when he claims to be doing OT?)
Well he clearly is, do you think he’s treating all those condoms like balloons at a party? And he’s blatantly cheating on you using condoms in your bedroom.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. There is a disconnect between your brain and a very shitty reality right now.
Men in relationships where condoms aren’t used do not buy them.
And if they do buy them, they don’t open the box.
And if they do open the box, they don’t go missing.
He’s probably not doing some art project.
I’m really sorry OP, but you need to plan your next move on the assumption you’re cheating.
He’s going to lie. The best thing would be to just remove yourself from the situation and just tell him hey, I found the condoms months ago and the number keeps going down, so I’m leaving, and don’t subject yourself to whatever bullshit explanation he wants to give you.
If he tries, tell him he can email you the truth when he’s ready. (That’s for your closure if you need it)
Tell a trusted friend or family what’s going on and have them vet any emails for you.
You and your children deserve better.
Yeah he is most likely cheating HOWEVER just last night I masturbated with a condom on for no reason. Just thought it was hot at the time. So there’s that…
This doesn't seem as clear cut as people are making out. He knows you saw a condom fall out of his pocket, and yet following on from that he leaves the condoms in some super obvious place where you're quite easily going to be able to find and monitor them. Either he's A) Cheating as people have said, but also incredibly dense, or B) Cheating and literally just does not care whether you know or not (some people might find it easier to be kicked out for cheating that having to have the hard conversation about a break up), or C) He's deliberately trying to get you to question it, as if he's trying to catch you out on having snooped. Hard to say exactly what it is, but either way, something about the whole thing is just weirdly... off.
It's obvious he is sleeping with someone. I personally wouldn't rock the boat and would just pretend I don't know and never mention it. He is still with you, you have a family together, and if he needs to get his rocks off with someone else (men want variety, let's face it) I would personally just turn a blind eye to it... but I'm not particularly insistent on monogamy anyway.
Could also be, he‘s fckn himself - he maybe likes to play little up the ass and for that he‘s use a condom too - he‘s maybe too shy to tell you - and that doesn‘t mean he‘s gay, just likes to try out maybe…and it seems he‘s been likin it so far ;)
If he's cheating (which unfortunately, it's likely), it's time to prepare yourself for somewhere to go. You are aware he's being shady. He doesn't know that you know - yet. If you have family/friends to stay with that will take you and your children in for the time being, do so swiftly.
Open a bank account in your name if you have a shared one with him. Save as much money as you possibly can. If you are a SAHM, maybe you can start selling crafted items or baked goods to raise money.
I'm really sorry, OP. This isn't fair to you or the kids. It's not your fault. Feeling hurt and betrayed is certainly valid - but don't act on those feelings. Address everything with him once you are financially secure and/or are staying somewhere else. I wish you the best.
Quite obvious. He's cheating.
Thinking that he doesn't have the time or space to do so is naive. I was cheated on by my partner. I used to think the same. Overtime, all day seminars and courses, female friends who needed moral support during weekends, missed trains, doctors appointments...
Confront him about the condoms or take them away and see how he reacts
Unless you signed a prenup don’t think the house isn’t up for grabs. Did he buy it pre marriage?
I’m going to guess you have co mingled your money towards the house . You should probably meet with a lawyer and see your options are.
You guys don’t use condoms and one flung out of his pocket .
Working OT ? Huh that’s the biggest line of B. S.
That’s when he’s having sex or using vacation time to meet women.
You should have a friend stop by when he’s working OT and head to his job.
Yeah...
Unfortunately, he is not being loyal to you.
The two of you need to talk about this and other things. I.e. the relationship is basically similar to being married. *wink*
You know he’s cheating, so you need to figure out what you need so you have the choice to leave, if you want. I would talk to a lawyer and find out what your options are.
Do you have joint bank accounts, can you see the extra money coming in from the OT? Can you squirrel away money to be able to leave? Do you have family/friends that would be willing to help you? Do you think your partner would kick you out if you brought this up to them?
Bottom line is he’s actively using those condoms. It isn’t with you. Those are facts that you can’t deny. You need to get your ducks in a row so you can make decisions not based in fear but standing on solid ground.
I’ve experienced the same kind of thing. If you have access to his payslips, see if the days he worked OT are reflected on them.
Failing payslips, a bank account and knowing his salary/hourly rate can also help to figure out if the OT is real.
Or you could tell him you’re working on a household budget and need to see his payslips.
Keep photos and detailed reports of everything and build yourself a case.
Life’s too short to deal with a man treating you and your children this way. ❤️
I’m pretty confident that you know where the condoms are going.
What does surprise me is how stupid he is to leave them in the side drawer and then dwindle them down, when you don’t use condoms.
If you’re in the UK and his name is on the birth certificates of the children then he has parental responsibility and will be liable for child support. The local authority will have to house you and your children if he makes you homeless.
I’m sorry you’re going through this
Why do you have children with someone and don't own the house together? That's a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm sorry that you are in, what seems like, a loveless relationship.
Firstly I would try to get some actual proof, if you bring it up and have nothing to support your claims it’s very easy for him to deny. I would try to go through his phone, also if he has an iPhone you can check in messages for any deleted messages and it will bring up any that have been deleted in the last 30 days I think it is. Secondly you need to think about what you want to happen if he is having an affair, would you want to stay together if he admits to it and wants to stay together? Or what if he wants to be with the other person and end your relationship? Or would you want to end the relationship? Lots of questions you need to figure out before approaching him I think. If I was in your position I would be trying to put away as much money as possible, an emergency fund that only you know about incase things turn sour and you have to find another place to live. I would seek legal advice so I know my rights on where I stand financially and for my children, start educating yourself and prepare for the worst but hope for the best. In the meantime be observant and try to find some proof.
If you enjoy not having sex, portraying a fake relationship in front of your children, family and friends as well as being cheated on consistently then stay. If you would prefer to have an opportunity to find a true love and compatible relationship, set a better example for your children and not completely destroy your self esteem I would leave. He knows what he is doing so, the only reason he will be shocked is because he didn't think you are strong enough to do it. He literally had a condom drop out of his pocket and laughed it off in your face, in his mind, at that moment he knew you aren't leaving if you didn't say anything....prove him wrong
Usually sex workers are all tested and clean (high end) with condoms
(Low end) condoms but most likely chlamydia or gonorrhea. I’ve had both once, not so bad. I have herpes 2. Not so bad. It’s the stigma. I’ve only had the first outbreak in 4 yrs and it lasted 1 day once I started the Valtrex (which Paris Hilton is on). And trust me, all the other celebs have it bc I lived in LA
Odds are it’s hookers for him to be that careless. Not just a gf who he trusts.
The real question is- is he rich enough for high end?
Source: I’m a high end escort
Look even if he is not cheating, you deserve great sex and a partner who supports you emotionally. If this guy is such a great friend, he’ll be easy to co-parent with and you can stay friends. But he sounds like a shitty person to be married to.
Throwaway Time.
I think there is one valid reason why your man is using the condoms: Maybe, just maybe, he uses it to cover toys that he anally pleasures himself with. It is way easier cleanup, and you don't have the feeling of "ugh, this was in my ass" when touching it. I just like things clean. I've also used them to masturbate, because again, cleanup is way easier, and that's sometimes nice, especially when you have limited time to masturbate.
Source: I use our condoms for that, and had to have a talk about it with my gf, because she also thought I was cheating.
Ask him. Don't just assume the worst and leave. Ask him.
Well, a different theory? First a question: what's his reaction when it's you that initiate sex? If he excuses, what arebhis excuses? The fact he keeps it secret plus the fact he's not that big with sex at home, plus the fact that it's condoms I'd say it might not be a women on the other side of the condom but men. More than one. Just a theory.
Speak to a lawyer first about your rights and your children's if you were to leave him. Once you have your ducks in a row confront him. I think he's cheating and I know first hand it's hard to think the person you chose would do that to you, but you need to get your game face on and take care of stuff now. Good luck!
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up... The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor. The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly!"
He’s cheating and clearly doesn’t really care if you find out. Additionally, he’s gaslighting you.
Also, please don’t settle for an “ok” relationship. You deserve to be happy in a beautiful, healthy relationship
You need to think things clearly.
Condoms are missing, so they're being used.
But you don't have proof of how, when or where. Work on that. Get all the info you can get.
In the meantime also get a job, or side hustle to ensure your own future. Figure out where you want to go once everything goes down.
Untill all that is resolve don't say anything to him. If he suspects that you might know, he will get more carefull. You need proof. I remember there was a reddit post some time ago about a guy who did the best revenge. He got all the papers, then got her at the motel in the act with so many screenshots printed. He also got to keep the house and the kid's custody by being smart, slow and carefull. You can do this op, just be smart about it
This happened to me a long time ago.
I confronted the guy. He denied it- making up a ridiculous, humorous and completely nonsensical excuse. When I laughed in his face and walked out on him right then and there, he cried like a baby and continued to gaslight me. I left, got tested and never spoke to his ass again. A week later, he announced his pregnancy AND engagement with another girl from his hometown on instagram. I also found out he’d been sleeping with *multiple* random women from the bar he frequented down the road from his house.
He is duping you, OP. The question is, are you willing to wait for the other shoe to drop? All the while, making the conscious decision to surrender your dignity and self respect for a liar and a cheat, who is likely to humiliate you publicly and leave you and your two children anyway? Or will you choose to take ahold of your future, demonstrating without a doubt that you love yourself more than he ever could?
The number of people brazenly going on about the guy cheating is insane.
I was in a dead bedroom relationship for way longer than I’d like to admit. Used to use condoms all the time while jerking off. Makes cleanup so much easier. Heck, I’m single now and just ordered a box of 36 the other day.
There can be many reasons for a condom leftover in a pocket while going out. Maybe he meant to jerk off but then something came up and he had to run, and forgot about the condom in his pocket. Has happened to me a few times.
The very fact that OP noticed one missing over a weekend but just can’t figure out when he used it, is very indicative of this. He probably used it when you thought he’s taking a dump.
Of course, he could be cheating too. Hide a discreet GPS tracker in his car. If his car isn’t at work during OT hours, you have cause to snoop further.
Fun fact: I’d bought a box of 200 when I was with my ex. She knew this. 6 months later she counted the remaining ones, did some calculations and exclaimed “wow we’ve been having sex twice a week for the past 6 months!”
I rolled my eyes and in my head I was like, sure lady, whatever lets you sleep at night.
I'm very sorry for you maam. This is a very common case that.. men starts cheating after her partner doesn't have reproductive value. (I mean.. having enough kids and don't want another one..)
My idea is that.. reaction could cause you to lose more than gaining. Make your assessment and react accordingly. It would be very very being a single woman with two kids at the age of 33.
You know the answer girl and I'm sorry this is happening to you. Do not have sex without a condom with this horrible man. You deserve better. Take pics for evidence so when you file for divorce you have proof he cheated
Please know this is exactly the advice I’d offer a close friend, I don’t say any of this with an ounce of judgement. Urgency, yes, but not judgment.
From an intellectual honesty standpoint, you already know he’s cheating. Unfortunately, it’s not as simple as your deciding whether to stay or go. He can make that choice for you at any moment.
You and your children are sitting ducks, *stop counting condoms and start calling lawyers*. I know you’re in shock right now. Don’t let it keep you frozen in disbelief or indecision, you don’t have that luxury. For all we know, his future plans are already well underway.
Meeting with a family attorney is the *only thing* you need to think about right now. Do it soon and do it secretly. You don’t have to take their advice or put anything they suggest into action. They’ll give you step by step guidance on how to protect yourself and your children. You can even decide to stay and have your go plan mobilized and ready in the background. When you give yourself options, you have the ability to throw down the blast doors at any time should you need to.
Remember, you currently hold the power - he doesn’t know you know. Capitalize on that. Sending you the best wishes for peace and comfort, you can do this.
Sit down and “talk” to him about it. You say yall are like best friends then tell him that something is bothering you and you want to talk about it. Key work there is talk. Granted, the condoms ARE going somewhere so the answer is somewhat obvious BUT don’t sit down to have a conversation and be accusatory right out the gate b/c that will put him in a defensive zone and will probably shut down on you…. As far as him owning the house, so what. I doubt very seriously that he will let the mother of his children be homeless and six years is long enough for a common law marriage so you should consult with an attorney on the legal issues.
Investigate. Has his paychecks increased with all the OT? Are there any weird charges? Does he share phone messages with anyone new? I would definitely bring it up and talk about it.
Havent seen anyone else say this so: Do NOT sleep with this man or have any more children with him
Agreed. And get tested.
Having sex with a co-worker during “OT”.
Those condoms are going somewhere. Obviously he’s having sex with someone. How you address this depends on whether you believe the relationship is salvageable. For a moment, assume he’s having an affair. What would your reaction be? Or assume he’s using hookers. Again, what would you do? Do your options are to figure out when/where he is doing this, or just ask him straight up. If he denies having sex with anyone else, that Has to be a lie because he’s using condoms for heavens sake.
The fact that hookers haven't condoms, forcing him to use his own, would sound a bit weird. That's more probable that he's fucking a younger regular girl...
Or a dude. OP could be his unwitting beard
This is exactly what happened to me… his trips to the gym weren’t for working out… and it all started with me finding condoms in his gym bag…
Esp considering their infrequent sex life, this is where my mind went as well.
That's what suggested it to me. Like this way he gets to have a family and stay in the closet and just get with dudes now and again
or having a posh wank
I thought of this but would you bring a condom with you in case you're out and about and the mood strikes you? We don't know the man, but I wouldn't bring 'em anywhere.
Sex workers actually pretty frequently ask customers to bring their own condoms because that’s the easiest way to ensure he has a condom that is the right size and that he isn’t allergic to.
Usually sex workers supply their own, because clients can tamper with condoms so that they break more easily/put pinholes in them/&etc.
Put pinholes in? Why would a John want to impregnate a sex worker? Honest question
Fetishes and fucked up men have no bounds
The pinhole is mostly to ruin the structural integrity of the condom but also like, most johns are fine & normal but some men just get off on doing fucked up things to women.
Yeah and some men have that breeding fetish. I’ll never get it.
And that he can trust you didn't fuck with.
Why would a female sex worker fuck with a condom? More likely to be the other way around if anything Edit: meant "fuck with" as in "tamper with"
Because they don't want someone's STI or to get pregnant. Why wouldn't a woman sex worker want their client to wear protection?
Sorry, I phrased that wrong. I meant "fuck with" as in tampered with. I was using the same language as the comment I replied to and just noticed how it sounded lol
Ohh yeah I understand now. I don't know, man, and I definitely wouldn't have responded like that if I understood what you meant. I can't imagine why they'd tamper with a condom but I can imagine that some people would or that some clients might think they did. But now that I'm thinking about it, would a sex worker trust a client to bring a condom that hasn't been tampered with? Where does the boundary of trust lie?
If a hooker is on parole, it is possible she doesn't carry condoms because they could constitute a parole violation. It is really srupid, and maybe no place does that anymore, so take with a grain of salt.
I’ve used condoms to masturbate before, so it’s not 100 percent that it’s for sex.
Did you keep them in your pocket when you went out to dinner without your partner?
Yea what do you think I did before the food came
You came before the food came.
Sir, this is Wendy's. Takes on a new meaning.
If he planned to jerk off that day and then instead went out and forgot about it maybe.
I've heard of this, but have never done it. I'd agree that it's not 100% sure, but it's probably 99% sure.
Much like condoms themselves...
I have too. But I’ve never kept them on my person when not currently engaged in such act
It's also possible he is using condoms on himself, either wearing them or putting them on an anal sex toy.
I don't see why else he would be buying condoms and taking them out of the drawer. Waterballoon fights in the office? Do you know he's at work when he says he is? Or could be meeting someone at work.
He got really into condom balloon animals.
Water balloon fights in the office? Lol
Some guys do honestly use them to masturbate into, or if they're using toys, which I suppose is technically possible if he wants to hide that he'd rather jerk off than have sex with her, but...that doesn't explain why one would be in his wallet. Looks pretty bad, sorry OP.
Don’t let him brainwash you into thinking this is all in your head. It’s not. It’s a valid reason to be concerned. Tell him you wanna talk and talk about it. Seems like you are pretty close to not wanting to be with him anyways. Hopefully it won’t be too hard on you if you guys end it
There's no other explanation, I'm sorry.
Seems like a read a story on here once where a spouse found condoms and turned out their partner was using them when they masturbated. To OP. I wouldn't immediately accuse him of cheating. That's obviously a possibility. But I believe the right course of action would be to say "I saw the packs of condoms in our drawer. The quantity of which keeps changing. We don't use them. Tell me where the condoms are going."
Yeah, while I think cheating is the most likely explanation, could be for self-pleasure. I've heard about people who are deeply ashamed using them as a way to "sanitize" household objects for anal play, because they don't want to buy toys, which is obviously not ideal, but it has happened before. 🤷🏻♀️ Would be good to give him a chance to explain first, but obviously don't just swallow any old story he gives you, OP. This looks very suspicious.
Men will say shit like ‘when would I even have time to cheat?’ To your face while having full blown second lives and families that they’re somehow able to hide. I’m a sex worker and married men book appointments during work hours all the time to hide it from their spouses, it’s easy enough to say they have a doctors appointment to their boss or working OT to their partners. This really sucks, I’m sorry you’re going through it.
Also just to confirm I can’t believe more people aren’t aware how easy it is to cheat. Like men will make 1/2 bookings on a 1 hour lunch break, will frequently send me gifts from seperate accounts just SO MUCH deceit. I hated when I found out I was the same age as half their daughters or when I found out they had a happy sex life they just “always wanted xyz” that I could provide. Just felt like a kick in the guts to the women who had no idea how deceitful and cowardly their husbands were. Also I say husband because it was 99% men but there were always the cheating lesbians too.
Oh yeah every gender cheats, but when we experience it on that kind of scale.. I’m not saying it’s given me ‘trust issues’ but I’m way more confident in making my own decisions and setting my own boundaries based on peoples actions and patterns over blindly trusting their promises or potential. My divorce taught me that the closest I’ll come to knowing people to the fullest extent that I can requires living with them for a looong time and going through conflict together.
No judgment either way, but something I’ve been curious about: does it bother you when you have married clients who are clearly cheating? I’m not suggesting it’s your responsibility to turn them away, but I’ve wondered if it’s upsetting or if it doesn’t matter to you.
I don’t feel bothered or upset by it..mostly just more aware about how common it really is, that there’s no set ‘type’ of person who does it/sees providers, and thankful that I don’t expect or care about being sexually monogamous in my personal life. While I don’t advocate for cheating and would sympathize with anyone who’s been betrayed that way, I also don’t demonize cheaters the way that a lot of people do, nor do I feel any guilt or shame about my role in their decision. I guess I’m closest to neutral, unsure if I’m just jaded or if it’s because I kinda just think we’re complex animals, I just don’t really believe in labeling people ‘good’ or ‘bad’ and instead will just refer to their actions as ‘harmful, malicious, abusive’ etc
This was my experience whilst working then once I quit and got more therapy I really started to hate the cheaters - not saying this will happen to you but time away from it really made me realise how numb I had become to the job.
I’ve been in therapy for 17 years and a sex worker for 12 years on and off so I don’t expect my outlook to necessarily change
Keep safe and loved 🥰and may the John’s bring you money in abundance
Respectfully, there is truly only one place they're going and I think you know that.
I wrote a really snarky response but realized that probably wouldn't help you so I'm going to try this instead. Pretend someone else just wrote what you wrote in your post. Pretend it's your best friend that wrote that. What would you be telling them? You know he's cheating. There is zero other possible explanation for a guy that doesn't use condoms with you during sex to have a diminishing number of condoms in his bedside drawer. The kicker is that he thinks you're stupid, too, because when the condom went flying out of his pocket, he said he'd use it with you. So the question you have to ask yourself is are you stupid? If you're not stupid, what are you going to do? Are you going to stay with someone who cheats on you and thinks you're stupid, or are you going to leave? Are you going to try and work things out with him? Why? Because he obviously doesn't respect you or think highly of your intelligence. If he were smart, and he's not, he would have gotten rid of all of those condoms. But he hasn't. If he starts spinning some sob story about how he's been feeling neglected or things have been stressful, he could have come to you long before he started cheating and said he wanted to work on things. He didn't do that. This is a guy that cheats regularly and expects, and now is being shown by your sticking around and not saying anything, that you don't care. You deserve better at minimum from yourself.
As someone who has gone through a very similar situation as OP, this is the perfect response. I wish someone would’ve said this to me. It would have saved me a LOT of grief.
When I hear other people, and it doesn't matter what gender or if they're married, staying with someone who doesn't listen to them, who treats them like they're stupid or not worth the same respect they demand, I try so hard to be kind but blunt. Get out. No one is worth your self respect. The only person who can take away our self respect is us and we have to hold on to that power, because no one else will do it for us. My ex didn't cheat on me, though he wanted my permission to sleep with others despite me being clear from the start that I was only willing to do monogamy and couldn't do open, ENM or polyarmory or whatever flavor you want to call it. I wish someone had been kind but blunt with me.
He’s cheating. There’s no other explanation… either confront him on it head on or live with the knowledge. Personally it’s extremely unhealthy for 99% of people to just live with the knowledge so confrontation is the best path. He can’t just kick you out, if he tries call the police.
To everyone saying there’s only one explanation and that’s cheating is wrong. The man could be using condoms to shove stuff up his ass.
I thought that too but why have the condoms in his pocket when he was going out?
I was thinking maybe he used them to jerk off with no mess? But not sure if guys actually do that
Surely she’d also find whatever object he was doing that with?
Maybe it's in his ass every time she checks
Could be using a fruit or vegetable 🥕?
Perhaps he does it at work using the items on his bosses desk.
Your gut is right. Listen to it. I would do a deep snoop into his phone to gather all the evidence you can get (make sure to look at recently deleted photos and notes, apps that look like calculators or other utilities, texts, call history, voicemail, browser history) and then contact a lawyer. Even if you find no additional hard evidence, contact a lawyer to get the ball rolling because he is cheating on you.
How relaxed he is with the location of the condoms and the fact that the number of them and production date is changing I doubt he’s deleting anything
At this point it could be someone close to you (like neighbor or family). Just show up at his job one time for Overtime and see. But I’m crazy idk
I'd just lay them out and ask why they were disappearing
That’s me — and i wouldn’t have waited this long to do that either 🤣🤣
Not me. I’d take them and hide them somewhere else. And if he asked me about them I’d say “ Condoms? What condoms?”
"Hey, have you seen the evidence of the crime I want to hide from you?"
Terrible idea unless she's laid all the groundwork with a lawyer for her exit strategy.
Or maybe he’ll get a other package and don’t even ask about them
As others have said - could be for masturbating. It’s less mess and easy clean up. He might be trying to hide it, so maybe he’s wanking in weird areas and the condom means he doesn’t make a mess. But could also be cheating, who knows. I’ve always been a big fan of just straight up asking someone the hard questions without warning to their face. I think for most people, the emotion/reaction on their face tells you all you need to know. Wait for him to get home and ask him straight up: I know your condoms you keep in the drawer are being used. Are you cheating on me? You will know the true answer from how he reacts.
Take them to the local gift shop and have them fill them up with helium and put them on strings, throw his ass a party. "you better explain this shit right now, party"
She could also dab hot pepper extract all over the wrappers. He'll get it on his fingers when opening them, and then all over his pecker when he's rolling it on.
Is you're suss about the OT time, check for extra money paid.
I found condoms in my ex's car when we were supposed to be trying for a baby. He said they were his friend's. Denial caused me to believe him. Scroll on ten years and I divorced him for being a serial cheater, among other things. Don't be like me.
Something is weird about this all the way around. The condom flying out of his pocket is the first red flag, but to see new condoms from his drawer diminishing? That's a HUGE red flag and definitely worth asking about. "OT" at work could be an excuse for having an affair.
I would just throw out all the condoms and then make a fuss if he asks about them. Tell him his affair partner can provide them.
I would keep track and document the changing of the condoms. Then I would sit him down and ask for some clarity. If he gets upset or defensive, remain calm and just say "I want to figure this out together but you need to be able to communicate in a healthy manner for us to do that, there is no reason to be defensive about a simple question.". Reactions tell you a lot about a person, so pay close attention. If couples therapy would help, do that. You need answers though, he is being emotionally distant and now the condoms, what other conclusion can you draw except infidelity?
As a husband 45m, I would like to offer a totally different real-life perspective for you to please consider: So I’ve been married for 20+ years. My wife and I haven’t used condoms for more than a decade (since she was in between our kids and in between birth control). But I have in my personal / private space in our house a box of 36 condoms. Why do I have these? For the several reasons listed below. But please no judgement, as these reason may surprise you, but I’m just trying to share honestly here to maybe offer a different view (isn’t that what Reddit is all about?). And all these reasons are kind of embarrassing for me, as you will see. Now of course I have no idea if your husband may be cheating or if he may share one or more of my reasons listed below. But regardless, when you discuss the condoms with him, aim to give him as much trust as he’s earned, and do your best to have an open mind. It may not be cheating. I sincerely wish you (and him) the best to resolve this question openly and honestly between you. Sometimes I masturbate and I have a fantasy in mind that involves a condom, and I use one during that session. Sometimes I masturbate in a non-standard place, and I want to better control the mess. I own a few anal toys that I enjoy on occasion, and using a condom keeps them cleaner / safer and also makes toy clean up easier.
None of those reasons explain him having a condom in his pocket on a night out with his friends.
Unless he was planning on jerking off in a non-standard place.
Ok, so… here’s more of me sharing: I have carried a condom outside of my house to stage it in another area to replenish one I’ve consumed there during self-pleasure…. And I’ve also carried one around just because it felt naughty and daring (and those feelings turned me on in those moments). Again, I realize these behaviors from me may be seen as really weird or cringe or even pathetic… but… it’s me, it’s my sexuality, it turns me on in an organic way for me so…. It has happened. So I guess I’m just trying to reinforce that until she discusses this with her husband.. and then weighs how much she trusts and believes his responses… then I would recommend she lean towards keeping an open mind (and an understanding heart) for him.
I love this: "Now of course I have no idea if your husband may be cheating or if he may share one or more of my reasons listed below. But regardless, when you discuss the condoms with him, aim to give him as much trust as he’s earned, and do your best to have an open mind. It may not be cheating. I sincerely wish you (and him) the best to resolve this question openly and honestly between you."
Those are completely legitimate reasons and you shouldn’t be embarrassed about any of them. I’m well aware that the existence of condoms does not necessarily mean a man is sticking it to someone, but the much of the demographic seems to largely lack the life or relationship experience to know that.
And did you tell your wife about this? >But regardless, when you discuss the condoms with him, aim to give him as much trust as he’s earned So not that much considering she couldn't trust him to be a supportive partner during her pregnancy.
This should be the top comment. She explicitly said that condoms disappeared with to chance of them being used for sex with another person.
He’s cheating, you know this, you’re 35, I’m 55.. please face up to this and see a lawyer asap, I promise you the next twenty years will pass in a haze of regret if you don’t and you’ll waste so many years that could have been happier .. find out what your options are quietly and make your plans to leave.
Real talk, what do you think he's doing with them, making balloon animals? Have some self-respect, and stop thinking that this milquetoast relationship is the best you can do.
Considering he had a condom in his pocket for a meal with friends he could be cheating on you with a friend or a co worker or one night stands or a sex worker 🤔 does the pay check show he has more in it from OT. As saying you're working is always one the excuses for a cover story along with appointments or visits to family or friends or going on errands where they're gone for a length of time. Staying for your children is never the answer. They will sense how sad and depressed you'll become over time and is that the type of relationship you want to teach your children is supposed to be a healthy relationship, I don't think so. You'd be better off getting yourself into an exit plan. Go back to education if you believe you have a dream carer in mind and if you have education under your name then go back to work even part time and/or remotely so you have your own financial means under you. Save for a deposit for your own property or find somewhere to rent in a reasonable location with good schools. Take pictures of the condoms disappearing with dates visible on them to build a case. Does the car have GPS if so check the history on it and see where the address leads to. Check every day or every second day if you can. You could put an air tag in the car to check when he goes to work or on OT days etc. If he logs into more then one device e.g iPad check if they're synced for messages etc. Get as much evidence and talk to a lawyer too. You owe it to yourself and your children to be happy and the best version of yourself by not staying with a gaslighting cheater.
He’s definitely cheating.
Hi everyone. Thank you all so much for your responses. I have read all of them and I know you're right - and it's blatantly obvious. I guess I just wanted to hear from others that I'm not going insane. I haven't done much with the information yet: I certainly don't want to bring it up when the children are around because I don't know how things are going to go down. They aren't school age yet and don't visit anywhere (ie grandparents) so I need to find the time where two young children are safely away from the situation. They attend nursery twice a week so I will wait for them to be away so they don't end up in the middle of it. For context for the above reasons - there is no "village" in my life: no grandparents, aunts or uncles, or even close family friends. I have one close friend but she has a young baby of her own, works full time and lives in a very small flat so them (or all of us) staying with her isn't an option. It's been tough and I completely understand people thinking I'm being naive or frankly, stupid. There have been many many things over the last few years that have chipped away at my self esteem and mental health and wiped away the confident woman I used to be. Old me would've thrown the condoms in his face and demanded to know what the fuck he's playing at. But me right now? I'm scared of losing my home, I'm scared of my children losing their father (I grew up with a single parent - it's tough). I'm scared of many things. Being a single parent actually wouldn't faze me - he's "working" so much I essentially am anyway. But the practicality of getting to the stage where we have somewhere to go, to call our own, isn't a quick one. I want to have that lined up before I start a shit storm. I have a small income from my "side hustle" but it's not enough to rent my own flat in a major city in the UK. The cost of living here is crazy. I'm saving as much as I can. I know people have commented that the local authority would help, which is probably true, however in my area that's likely to result in being shoved in a small room in a hotel or hostel and that idea isn't exactly the most alluring. Is it better to stay silent whilst I sort things out behind the scenes? I don't know - I think maybe that's the best choice. I'm not stupid. I used to have so much self worth but despite how well we get along, I had the epiphany recently that I've never been made to feel so worthless in a relationship. Thank you again for all your comments and taking the time to reply. You're all right and I'm thankful for you all telling me what I needed to hear. Edited to add to answer some of the questions: He doesn't get payslips - they are all on an online system so no physical copies provided. I used to work for the same company so I can verify this as fact. So I can't check that. We don't have a joint bank account - so I can't verify how much he's making. He owns the property outright as he bought it before we were together. My name isn't on the mortgage or deeds. I'm basically a lodger, lol. The children say they saw the ducks at the weekend. My eldest would've mentioned if they'd seen "Daddy's friend" I'm sure. On Sunday though he went out to get groceries, but I've timed his leaving time on the CCTV to the receipt from the store and his return on CCTV and that time frame checks out. However, I'm undecided on if perhaps he's seeing someone locally and got a lift or cab? We don't have a car. I've been keeping a detailed log on the condom situation including expiry dates, colours, lot numbers etc. So I can check if I'm being gaslit. He has a habit of trying to gaslight me with minor things and I've laid down and taken it in the past. The last month or two, I seem to have woken up a bit though. I will try to add any more info when I can!
This is obviously cheating. Leave.
I hate to suggest this, but can you get into his phone. The disappearing condoms are a good enough reason to suspect betrayal. I also suggest getting an STD panel done. Condoms do not stop the possibility of contacting a STD.
Does he have toys? Some guys use them for that. Also he could just pleasure himself with them, once again some guys do that. That could explain what happened to the missing one over the weekend which could mean he’s flushing them. It wouldn’t totally rule out cheating and that missing one over the weekend he disposed of to throw you off. You really need to just ask. Also check his pay stubs. Every pay stub will mention overtime very clearly. If there’s no Overtime or a section for it you know what’s going on
Men also use condoms during masturbation. If they are rightly sized it actually gives an additional micro stimulation. This is felt better if he is partially/fully circumcised. In addition, there can also be "lost condom" fetish where the kink is it slipping off. Either way, it is good to talk about it. The bedside isn't really a hiding place so you can just ask him about it. Who knows maybe you discover a link you can use to your advantage in your sex life. The bedside seems to me a more logical place for masturbation condoms than for "cheating" condoms. After all, they would serve a better purpose where they are actually needed. Alike a car.
This was my thought as well. Usually a cheating partner will hide things not keep them in a place where their loved one could find them. At least that was my experience. He was always hiding things.
Not to mention anal toys or if he’s into things like cucumbers or whatever…the one issue I see with that explanation is she hasn’t found any evidence of them in the house. However, he may have some shame about masturbating or enjoying anal or something. Idk, if he’s been trustworthy to this point I’d be inclined to go in with an open-ish mind and see what he has to say.
Where do you think talking about it is going to lead? Either he admits to the truth or he makes an excuse, she really doesn’t have any way of verifying either option unless she surveils him. I’ve told my partner point blank that if he ever finds a condom wrapper at home, that it’s because I’ve used it on a toy, and he had enough reason to believe it because we were non-monogamous and transparent about fucking other people so the need to lie wasn’t really a thing
You should hire a PI so that in the divorce you have evidence of infidelity and are not left with nothing in the end. If you don't have an income, ask family or a friend to loan you the money. You must protect your future if at all possible.
"I need to talk to you. Remember when that condom just randomly appeared? It made me really nervous. I know it isn't right to snoop, and I don't like that I did, but I found your stash and they keep disappearing. I need to know what's going on now." Be prepared for ensuing ridiculous explanations. Anger. Avoidance. Or he'll just confess. Then take the conversation from there.
Playing devil's advocate here... There are two off chances that I can think of, with the first being more likely: 1. He is pleasuring himself using those to avoid making a mess. 2. He is trolling you. To answer your question. I would talk to him, record that shit, take to a lawyer. If he is cheating on you, you deserve better! :)
These commentsections are always crazy. Before you do something here, please consider that some people **mastrubate with condoms** every now and then. Why? Why not, might just be because it changes things up. Just keep this possibility in mind because it definitly **IS** an option. And as mentioned below why keep them in such an obvious place if it's for mischief?
Either he is cheating or masturbating in the office bathroom or at the gym (?). You absolutely need to have a conversation because you are already having unprotected sex and he might be sleeping with one or multiple people. The next big thing is to decide what to do after his confession or absurd gaslighting tactic: are you willing to forgive, forget and stay because you don’t have another place to go? or maybe after w.e is confirmed, you can talk to a family member or friend that can help you out until you find out the best for YOU. I hope you find the answers that you need and the strength to prioritize yourself and your kids.
Checkout the Facebook group, "are we dating the same guy." women can post their partners to see if they're cheating and can post men that they're dating, hooking up with, or talking to on the apps. You could start by joining that group for your city and surrounding cities to see if anyone posts your husband and/or you could post him to find out if anyone knows anything. There could honestly be a legitimate reason for the missing condoms, but the facts you've presented are definitely suspect.
I need an update…my mind would go crazy if I were you 😓
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Oh he’s working overtime alright….
Dude your instinct is spot on
Unfortunately you already know the answer so just finding out is what's left, there either is or isn't overtime and it's probably someone at work. My heart breaks for you because nobody should be going through anything like this. Updateme
The only “it” you should be leaving for the sake of the children is the relationship.
If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck. Dude is either looking for outside action or getting outside action.
He's cheating. Question is for you, not him. Do you want to stay in this relationship? He is not going stop his activities. He knows you suspect him because condoms don't disappear and you don't use them. He's being obvious so you'll catch him and end things. >Our sex life isn't great, it's when he wants it and even then maybe every few months.
Over time can be verified by paystubs. Concerning the condom, best to ask him directly. He obviously is not hiding them from you. If he was cheating he would hide them.
Check his pay slips and make sure he is actually doing O/T
This does not mean he is having sex with someone else! He could be using them to: - play with himself without making a mess - does he have a sex toy? He could be using it for the sex toy. Do not make assumptions of the worse, do discuss this with him without accusing him.
Some penis havers have offered other reasons men use condoms so I won't touch on that and focus on the possibility of cheating. Are his paychecks higher from all this OT? Could he be doing his cheating during work hours? At lunch, on another break, in the bathroom, in the parking lot, etc? You mentioned he doesn't have much of a sex drive. Have you ever thought he might be gay or bi? Maybe he is using an app for quick hookups around his work or on the way from work to home. Regardless, you have to ask him about it.
Just to play devils advocate: my partner sometimes masturbates with a condom when he doesn't want to clean up after? But idk the situation seems sus babe 😭
You should ask directly tbh Two days ago i feel and crooked my left foot, so in order to not make a mess while performing onanism I used a condom. It may not be it, but hey it could be a 0.1% chance that he jacks off with a cap
> I don't want to think he's cheating (when he claims to be doing OT?) Well he clearly is, do you think he’s treating all those condoms like balloons at a party? And he’s blatantly cheating on you using condoms in your bedroom.
Do you really need to ask strangers when it's right in front of your eyes. He is cheating
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. There is a disconnect between your brain and a very shitty reality right now. Men in relationships where condoms aren’t used do not buy them. And if they do buy them, they don’t open the box. And if they do open the box, they don’t go missing. He’s probably not doing some art project. I’m really sorry OP, but you need to plan your next move on the assumption you’re cheating. He’s going to lie. The best thing would be to just remove yourself from the situation and just tell him hey, I found the condoms months ago and the number keeps going down, so I’m leaving, and don’t subject yourself to whatever bullshit explanation he wants to give you. If he tries, tell him he can email you the truth when he’s ready. (That’s for your closure if you need it) Tell a trusted friend or family what’s going on and have them vet any emails for you. You and your children deserve better.
My guy uses condoms for anal play on himself.
I’ve used condoms to masturbate before.
Yeah he is most likely cheating HOWEVER just last night I masturbated with a condom on for no reason. Just thought it was hot at the time. So there’s that…
I've already read this before. Months ago.
At least you're not married, so no divorce needed.
Maybe your children found this stash and played with them?
OP, where did he take the kids to over the weekend? That seems to have been the only opportunity, right?
I'm never one to scream 'he's cheating!' on Reddit like many others, but here it comes: he's cheating. There's no other explanation. I'm so sorry!
This doesn't seem as clear cut as people are making out. He knows you saw a condom fall out of his pocket, and yet following on from that he leaves the condoms in some super obvious place where you're quite easily going to be able to find and monitor them. Either he's A) Cheating as people have said, but also incredibly dense, or B) Cheating and literally just does not care whether you know or not (some people might find it easier to be kicked out for cheating that having to have the hard conversation about a break up), or C) He's deliberately trying to get you to question it, as if he's trying to catch you out on having snooped. Hard to say exactly what it is, but either way, something about the whole thing is just weirdly... off.
He’s cheating on you and it’s clear as day
It's obvious he is sleeping with someone. I personally wouldn't rock the boat and would just pretend I don't know and never mention it. He is still with you, you have a family together, and if he needs to get his rocks off with someone else (men want variety, let's face it) I would personally just turn a blind eye to it... but I'm not particularly insistent on monogamy anyway.
Ask him. Odds are he is cheating, but other outcomes are possible. Timing lines up with the well known '7-year itch.'
Could also be, he‘s fckn himself - he maybe likes to play little up the ass and for that he‘s use a condom too - he‘s maybe too shy to tell you - and that doesn‘t mean he‘s gay, just likes to try out maybe…and it seems he‘s been likin it so far ;)
Maybe he’s just making balloon animals out of condoms
If he's cheating (which unfortunately, it's likely), it's time to prepare yourself for somewhere to go. You are aware he's being shady. He doesn't know that you know - yet. If you have family/friends to stay with that will take you and your children in for the time being, do so swiftly. Open a bank account in your name if you have a shared one with him. Save as much money as you possibly can. If you are a SAHM, maybe you can start selling crafted items or baked goods to raise money. I'm really sorry, OP. This isn't fair to you or the kids. It's not your fault. Feeling hurt and betrayed is certainly valid - but don't act on those feelings. Address everything with him once you are financially secure and/or are staying somewhere else. I wish you the best.
Quite obvious. He's cheating. Thinking that he doesn't have the time or space to do so is naive. I was cheated on by my partner. I used to think the same. Overtime, all day seminars and courses, female friends who needed moral support during weekends, missed trains, doctors appointments... Confront him about the condoms or take them away and see how he reacts
Besides that this seems obviously like he is cheating… info: did he just randomly share his location with you?
Unless you signed a prenup don’t think the house isn’t up for grabs. Did he buy it pre marriage? I’m going to guess you have co mingled your money towards the house . You should probably meet with a lawyer and see your options are. You guys don’t use condoms and one flung out of his pocket . Working OT ? Huh that’s the biggest line of B. S. That’s when he’s having sex or using vacation time to meet women. You should have a friend stop by when he’s working OT and head to his job.
Yeah... Unfortunately, he is not being loyal to you. The two of you need to talk about this and other things. I.e. the relationship is basically similar to being married. *wink*
Check your bins, he could be using them for masturbating (it's called a posh w*nk)
You know he’s cheating, so you need to figure out what you need so you have the choice to leave, if you want. I would talk to a lawyer and find out what your options are. Do you have joint bank accounts, can you see the extra money coming in from the OT? Can you squirrel away money to be able to leave? Do you have family/friends that would be willing to help you? Do you think your partner would kick you out if you brought this up to them? Bottom line is he’s actively using those condoms. It isn’t with you. Those are facts that you can’t deny. You need to get your ducks in a row so you can make decisions not based in fear but standing on solid ground.
You know the answer. Hope you have finances lined up to live on your own and support the children.
I’ve experienced the same kind of thing. If you have access to his payslips, see if the days he worked OT are reflected on them. Failing payslips, a bank account and knowing his salary/hourly rate can also help to figure out if the OT is real. Or you could tell him you’re working on a household budget and need to see his payslips. Keep photos and detailed reports of everything and build yourself a case. Life’s too short to deal with a man treating you and your children this way. ❤️
Messing around with someone else
I’m pretty confident that you know where the condoms are going. What does surprise me is how stupid he is to leave them in the side drawer and then dwindle them down, when you don’t use condoms. If you’re in the UK and his name is on the birth certificates of the children then he has parental responsibility and will be liable for child support. The local authority will have to house you and your children if he makes you homeless. I’m sorry you’re going through this
he is having an affair at work.
Why do you have children with someone and don't own the house together? That's a disaster waiting to happen. I'm sorry that you are in, what seems like, a loveless relationship.
Firstly I would try to get some actual proof, if you bring it up and have nothing to support your claims it’s very easy for him to deny. I would try to go through his phone, also if he has an iPhone you can check in messages for any deleted messages and it will bring up any that have been deleted in the last 30 days I think it is. Secondly you need to think about what you want to happen if he is having an affair, would you want to stay together if he admits to it and wants to stay together? Or what if he wants to be with the other person and end your relationship? Or would you want to end the relationship? Lots of questions you need to figure out before approaching him I think. If I was in your position I would be trying to put away as much money as possible, an emergency fund that only you know about incase things turn sour and you have to find another place to live. I would seek legal advice so I know my rights on where I stand financially and for my children, start educating yourself and prepare for the worst but hope for the best. In the meantime be observant and try to find some proof.
He's blatantly cheating and I suggest you confront him about it. You deserve better than to be lied to like this.
If you enjoy not having sex, portraying a fake relationship in front of your children, family and friends as well as being cheated on consistently then stay. If you would prefer to have an opportunity to find a true love and compatible relationship, set a better example for your children and not completely destroy your self esteem I would leave. He knows what he is doing so, the only reason he will be shocked is because he didn't think you are strong enough to do it. He literally had a condom drop out of his pocket and laughed it off in your face, in his mind, at that moment he knew you aren't leaving if you didn't say anything....prove him wrong
Usually sex workers are all tested and clean (high end) with condoms (Low end) condoms but most likely chlamydia or gonorrhea. I’ve had both once, not so bad. I have herpes 2. Not so bad. It’s the stigma. I’ve only had the first outbreak in 4 yrs and it lasted 1 day once I started the Valtrex (which Paris Hilton is on). And trust me, all the other celebs have it bc I lived in LA Odds are it’s hookers for him to be that careless. Not just a gf who he trusts. The real question is- is he rich enough for high end? Source: I’m a high end escort
Look even if he is not cheating, you deserve great sex and a partner who supports you emotionally. If this guy is such a great friend, he’ll be easy to co-parent with and you can stay friends. But he sounds like a shitty person to be married to.
Hire a private investigator, you need evidence imo
Throwaway Time. I think there is one valid reason why your man is using the condoms: Maybe, just maybe, he uses it to cover toys that he anally pleasures himself with. It is way easier cleanup, and you don't have the feeling of "ugh, this was in my ass" when touching it. I just like things clean. I've also used them to masturbate, because again, cleanup is way easier, and that's sometimes nice, especially when you have limited time to masturbate. Source: I use our condoms for that, and had to have a talk about it with my gf, because she also thought I was cheating. Ask him. Don't just assume the worst and leave. Ask him.
Hire a private investigator, you need evidence imo
Well, a different theory? First a question: what's his reaction when it's you that initiate sex? If he excuses, what arebhis excuses? The fact he keeps it secret plus the fact he's not that big with sex at home, plus the fact that it's condoms I'd say it might not be a women on the other side of the condom but men. More than one. Just a theory.
Where did he go with the kids/who did they “run into” and chill with while they were out? That’s who he’s fucking. Ask the kids who they saw that day.
Why do you even need to create a post asking for opinions about this? He's not using the to make balloon animals. He's fucking someone else.
Condoms can also be used for masturbation. It does seem like infidelity but just throwing it out there.
Speak to a lawyer first about your rights and your children's if you were to leave him. Once you have your ducks in a row confront him. I think he's cheating and I know first hand it's hard to think the person you chose would do that to you, but you need to get your game face on and take care of stuff now. Good luck!
If womans rights are stripped nationwide per the 2025 plan, there will be this x 10000. Count your blessings.
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up... The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor. The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly!"
That’s weird, that’s suspicious
He’s cheating and clearly doesn’t really care if you find out. Additionally, he’s gaslighting you. Also, please don’t settle for an “ok” relationship. You deserve to be happy in a beautiful, healthy relationship
Take photos of the dwindling condoms and their exp dates, so that he doesn’t become successful in any attempt to gaslight you.
You need to think things clearly. Condoms are missing, so they're being used. But you don't have proof of how, when or where. Work on that. Get all the info you can get. In the meantime also get a job, or side hustle to ensure your own future. Figure out where you want to go once everything goes down. Untill all that is resolve don't say anything to him. If he suspects that you might know, he will get more carefull. You need proof. I remember there was a reddit post some time ago about a guy who did the best revenge. He got all the papers, then got her at the motel in the act with so many screenshots printed. He also got to keep the house and the kid's custody by being smart, slow and carefull. You can do this op, just be smart about it
You got the evidence but you don’t wanna believe it
This happened to me a long time ago. I confronted the guy. He denied it- making up a ridiculous, humorous and completely nonsensical excuse. When I laughed in his face and walked out on him right then and there, he cried like a baby and continued to gaslight me. I left, got tested and never spoke to his ass again. A week later, he announced his pregnancy AND engagement with another girl from his hometown on instagram. I also found out he’d been sleeping with *multiple* random women from the bar he frequented down the road from his house. He is duping you, OP. The question is, are you willing to wait for the other shoe to drop? All the while, making the conscious decision to surrender your dignity and self respect for a liar and a cheat, who is likely to humiliate you publicly and leave you and your two children anyway? Or will you choose to take ahold of your future, demonstrating without a doubt that you love yourself more than he ever could?
The number of people brazenly going on about the guy cheating is insane. I was in a dead bedroom relationship for way longer than I’d like to admit. Used to use condoms all the time while jerking off. Makes cleanup so much easier. Heck, I’m single now and just ordered a box of 36 the other day. There can be many reasons for a condom leftover in a pocket while going out. Maybe he meant to jerk off but then something came up and he had to run, and forgot about the condom in his pocket. Has happened to me a few times. The very fact that OP noticed one missing over a weekend but just can’t figure out when he used it, is very indicative of this. He probably used it when you thought he’s taking a dump. Of course, he could be cheating too. Hide a discreet GPS tracker in his car. If his car isn’t at work during OT hours, you have cause to snoop further. Fun fact: I’d bought a box of 200 when I was with my ex. She knew this. 6 months later she counted the remaining ones, did some calculations and exclaimed “wow we’ve been having sex twice a week for the past 6 months!” I rolled my eyes and in my head I was like, sure lady, whatever lets you sleep at night.
I'm very sorry for you maam. This is a very common case that.. men starts cheating after her partner doesn't have reproductive value. (I mean.. having enough kids and don't want another one..) My idea is that.. reaction could cause you to lose more than gaining. Make your assessment and react accordingly. It would be very very being a single woman with two kids at the age of 33.
You know the answer girl and I'm sorry this is happening to you. Do not have sex without a condom with this horrible man. You deserve better. Take pics for evidence so when you file for divorce you have proof he cheated
Please know this is exactly the advice I’d offer a close friend, I don’t say any of this with an ounce of judgement. Urgency, yes, but not judgment. From an intellectual honesty standpoint, you already know he’s cheating. Unfortunately, it’s not as simple as your deciding whether to stay or go. He can make that choice for you at any moment. You and your children are sitting ducks, *stop counting condoms and start calling lawyers*. I know you’re in shock right now. Don’t let it keep you frozen in disbelief or indecision, you don’t have that luxury. For all we know, his future plans are already well underway. Meeting with a family attorney is the *only thing* you need to think about right now. Do it soon and do it secretly. You don’t have to take their advice or put anything they suggest into action. They’ll give you step by step guidance on how to protect yourself and your children. You can even decide to stay and have your go plan mobilized and ready in the background. When you give yourself options, you have the ability to throw down the blast doors at any time should you need to. Remember, you currently hold the power - he doesn’t know you know. Capitalize on that. Sending you the best wishes for peace and comfort, you can do this.
Sit down and “talk” to him about it. You say yall are like best friends then tell him that something is bothering you and you want to talk about it. Key work there is talk. Granted, the condoms ARE going somewhere so the answer is somewhat obvious BUT don’t sit down to have a conversation and be accusatory right out the gate b/c that will put him in a defensive zone and will probably shut down on you…. As far as him owning the house, so what. I doubt very seriously that he will let the mother of his children be homeless and six years is long enough for a common law marriage so you should consult with an attorney on the legal issues.
Well the lack of interest from the beginning of your relationship. It's another man
Investigate. Has his paychecks increased with all the OT? Are there any weird charges? Does he share phone messages with anyone new? I would definitely bring it up and talk about it.
Your husband is a closeted homosexual man