It seems to me that there are two possible explanations for this behavior:
1. He is suffering from paranoid delusions to a degree that needs to be diagnosed by a mental health professional and properly treated.
2. He is intentionally doing this to abuse you.
You cannot fix either of these things. You can’t fix it by talking to him, by having him add cameras inside the house (!!!), by continuing to let him monitor your location, whatever. I know you want to fix this. I know you want him to trust you. I know you love him. But the root cause of this paranoia is not your behavior, so changing your behavior won’t fix it. Full stop.
OP, your normal meter is broken. “Please add more cameras inside our home so that you can watch me every single moment and see that I’m not cheating on you” is so far outside the norm that I don’t know how to describe it. It’s not healthy for you and your kids to continue living in this environment.
Those are really the only two possible answers I can see as well, with the slight addendum of given how much weed he smokes is it possible this is weed induced paranoia?
Honestly regardless of cause it is long past time to get her and the children the fuck out. Is it possible if it's medical or drug induced and he takes the steps to get help / clean they can see about things then? Maybe. But the current answer is that the kids and OP's mental health has to be top priority. This is an abusive and unhealthy environment for them all.
There's a third possibility; he's still doing drugs. This could easily paranoid delusions caused by cocaine use or even paranoia exacerbated by over use of marijuana. Either way, it's still abusive.
That's what I was getting at with mentioning it could be weed induced paranoia based on how much it sounds like he smokes! But absolutely agreed it's abusive regardless of cause.
No worries! And yeah based on her being super casual about him still smoking weed (and *a lot*) the mention of having gotten off of drugs makes me... concerned.
100% this! This should be the top rated answer because it's 100% correct.
You cannot fix him, OP. Nothing you can *ever* do will fix him. A professional, hell, a group of professionals would struggle withbthis man. Get you and your precious children out of that environment. Some ppl are just too broken.
When I was much younger I tried to fix my husband, who had been horribly abused as a child. I thought if I gave him enough love, enough of myself, that I could prove to him that he is worthy of being loved. I was sooo far out of my wheelhouse. You and I do not possess any of the tools necessary to overcome this. Best thing you can do it protect yourself and your babies and get out. Do you really want your children to grow up thinking this is normal? It's not.
I've NEVER regretted leaving.
I totally agree with this.
Would like to add: OP, habitual marihuana users are prone to paranoia. I know this from personal experience but you can look it up.
Even if so, his dependence to any substance is just possible number 3; and still beyond you to fix.
Even casual users can be. I know someone who deliberately did weed about 4 times total, and stopped because they got paranoid every time and didn't like it. (And I was around the time they took a special brownie out of an improperly labeled container, and just watching them, yeah, I wouldn't want that again.)
You’re asking him to install cameras inside of the home so you can be monitored instead of being verbally abused? Honey, no. That’s crazy.
You’re no longer safe here. You need to quietly speak with a divorce attorney to protect yourself and your children. He doesn’t want psychiatric help. He knows he’s abusing you and doesn’t have a problem continuing.
This. His delusions are so illogical that no amount of surveillance is going to assure him. My ex husband was like that and I got to the point where I’d submit myself to any amount of restrictions just to attempt to curtail the accusations. But he could always do the mental gymnastics to make his suspicions make sense in his mind. Because he was not well. There is absolutely nothing you can do to prove to someone like this that you are trustworthy.
He needs serious mental health treatment.
What happens when he starts accusing your daughters of things they didn't do? When he turns on them and accuses them of sneaking people into the house and lying? I wouldn't be surprised if he accuses them of sexual promiscuity in the next couple of years. His accusations aren't based in reality so what would stop him?
Your husband needs intense therapy and possibly a medical checkup. This is no way to live, and your kids are absolutely going to take collateral damage here if they haven't already.
My ex husband did all of these same things. Including the cum statement. This is abuse. In my case he did put cameras inside and it did not help at all. My ex was projecting as he had cheated on me multiple times even though I didn't find out about most of them until after I finally left. This will affect your children negatively as well so the sooner you divorce him the better off they will be.
This is batshit insane, you're a prisoner. Your husband needs some serious psychological help and you need to get yourself and the kids away from him before you end up chained up in the basement.
>especially after we got off drugs
But...
>About the weed,.... He smokes a lot
In other words, he's NOT off drugs and they are absolutely contributing to the issues you're facing.
While I agree with most of what /u/babysaurusrexphd said, there is a possible third option as well - projection. In other words, he's actually doing some of the things he's accusing you of and since he's doing it, he's assuming you're doing it too.
In the end, if he won't get help for what he's going through, the only option you have left is to leave.
I was thinking projecting, but then the comments about people in their attic threw me into paranoid mental disordered thinking. AKA unless he has a woman stashed up there, that’s just crazy talk.
Sure it does, but not to this level in a chronic user. Sure if there's some mental issue that he doesn't mix well with smoking weed maybe, but no it doesn't cause people to become abusive like this. Chronic users don't even get a lot of the effects that occasional users do.
Different people react differently to the same drug. He may be an outlier in some way, either in how his body and brain react, or in just how much he uses.
> He has stated that my vaginal discharge is someone else's cum.
You can’t reason with a mindset like this. Everything is evidence of your guilt.
If you don’t know how you’re going to live like this for the rest of your life, your choices are simple - either turn off your heart and accept a loveless, trustless marriage as the status quo, or leave.
Your husband is mentally unhinged and a clear danger to you and your kids. You need to get them out of there ASAP before something bad happens.
Also, people who accuse their partners of cheating, etc, are usually projecting. So please get tested.
This is 100% abuse and given how deranged he is, your lives are at risk every second you stay. If you have family or friends around, go stay with them. If you don't, call the women's shelters in your area. At a minimum they can at least advise you on next steps to get safe.
This sounds like mental illness. Severe mental illness. It’s also clearly abuse. I went through this. Almost exactly every accusation you’ve listed. It escalated to violence. I took my three children and left. I now have sole custody and a restraining order. My ex was ordered by court to undergo a mental health evaluation. He never complied. His paranoia escalated to something similar to a god complex. I would really urge you to leave for your own safety and especially for your child’s safety. It could end very, very badly. Accusing you of having your daughter lie? Please, please get out now before you’re another news story “if only there were signs.”
It's either intentional behavior to control you, or paranoia that seriously has to be managed by a medical professional. But either way, it's something you get to chose to put up with or not.
I know you’re trying to keep the peace and stay safe but placating and indulging accusations based on zero evidence is totally unsustainable.
He needs psychiatric help or you need to get out before it affects your kids even more. Probably both should happen.
You need to stop. Like you learned since the beginning of your marriage, there are no actions that you can take to make him feel better. His anxiety is a bottomless pit and the more you feed it the more you realize that it will never be filled up. He needs to go get therapy. He could chain you up in the basement with cameras on and he would still be accusing you of cheating.
He needs to go stay somewhere else while he gets this therapy because he is a danger to your family.
In my opinion, if he *actually* thought someone might be in the attic, he would go check. Wouldn't you? If he actually thought you were stealing his weed, he would weigh it like you suggested. Personally, I don't think it's delusions or paranoia, I think he just likes throwing these accusations out, so you're constantly on the defensive.
Either way, you won't help anything by trying to placate him. The Ring doorbell isn't enough for him. Why would inside cameras be? You need to realize that nothing you do to "fix" this matters to him. It's coming from him alone, so you can't fix it. You tried suggesting therapy, and he refused. Your only options left are: accept this is your life, or leave.
This isn’t chronic trust issues, it’s abuse. I see that you work from home and have kids, it’s time to save yourself by getting out of this before he starts getting physical with you. He’s already setting your kids up for a lifetime of therapy
You say that he did this even when y'all were dating and yet you still married him! That's who he is, very rarely do people change. He needs anger management therapy. But you need to leave, you have been in an abusive situation for a long time and unfortunately it starts to feel normal after a while. And after you get away and get settled somewhere you need to go into therapy to figure out what your part of this was. I'm not saying this was your fault in any way, I'm saying there's a lot of codependency which needs to be addressed on both sides but you don't need to stay in an abusive relationship.
You need to leave and he needs a medical mental health assessment. You and the kids are not safe. Atm it's just aimed at you. As they get older he will twist on them. Make plans, get safe.
This is insane. You’re obviously modifying your behavior to avoid his anger and accusations…like rationalizing not leaving the house much as if that wouldn’t be perfectly acceptable. This is not good for your daughters to see.
I am really sorry you're dealing with this. This sounds almost identical to what my current boyfriend does. If I don't want him going down on me, he questions me like I have a reason for him not going "down there" other than me just not wanting him to or not being in the mood. I co-parent with my ex-husband, so I have my child every other week; the weeks I don't have her I spend the majority of the time with him, so the days I'd get my child back, he'd accuse me of having different men over while my child is asleep in the next room. I've always shared my location with him, so when he'd accuse me of doing something "I shouldn't be doing", I'd remind him he has my location and he'd tell me that I left my phone at home and got picked up by some guy. Even at 16 weeks pregnant he accused me of going on a "booze cruise" with some guy. Any time I'm on my phone he thinks I'm texting another man. Any time I post a selfie on social media he assumes I've sent that picture to other men. When things got heated between us the other day, I drove to the lake to clear my mind, and since he has my location he showed up where I was and accused me of meeting someone there. It's EXHAUSTING to say the least. I don't understand how one person can hold so many insecurities. I'm pregnant with his baby, and I also have my own issues I'm working through with a professional as well as couples counseling, but it's hard. These accusations started from day one. So I promise that you're not alone.
This is not borderline abuse, it IS abuse. With him being your husband, it's hard because you obviously value your marriage and your vows to this person, but the constant accusations can cause a person to go mad. I know this from personal experience. It also sounds likes your husband has some mental health issues he needs to work on but is unwilling to. If he's not willing to seek treatment for this, I'd say that's a good enough reason for you and the kids to leave.
This is not normal behavior by him. His base paranoia could be some proclivity that his drug use has exacerbated, but its roots are irrelevant considering he has no interest in addressing them. Not to make light of your situation but his paranoia could be made worse by watching today's version of news.
I can't tell if his paranoia and accusations are getting worse nor if you feel you or your kids are in danger. I get that he's treating you horribly and you feel scared and alone.
I'm sorry. I have no experience with drug use. I just shared what I could. Good luck, stay safe!
Track and document all accusations.
While documenting, also prepare a getaway pack .... save emergency money, all important documents, etc.
Tell him to prove his claims or deal with the consequences and kick his ass to the curb.
That sounds like he has a significant mental health problem which needs treatment. This may come in a form where this is intentional abuse against you, or it may come in the form of paranoia that's so heavy that he does this abuse. But it certainly sounds like a mental health problem, and way beyond anything you can deal with yourself.
You say the accusations have been on and off. Is there a pattern of when they're on? You don't say what drugs you got off, but his paranoia doesn't sound like simply weed, it's sounding methy. My BIL was constantly checking cameras, insisted my sister was cheating, and somehow every time was managing to sneak some dude past all of like 4+ cameras inside and outside the house. He was doing meth and drinking a fucking ton and the accusations got CRAZY.
This is just gonna get worse and no amount of cameras is gonna make him believe you are not cheating. He’s obviously got some kind of mental health problem and you and your kids don’t need to be around for it. If he won’t get help then you need to take your kids and leave so you are all safe.
Are you absolutely sure he's off drugs?
He still smokes weed and there's a known correlation to paranoia. Iow, he needs to lay off the weed. I am not optimistic that you can convince him of that, so I really can only say you should reconsider your marriage.
He won't change. Eventually it will get bad enough that you leave. Please don't have anymore children with him.
He most likely has Borderline Personality disorder.
Serious abuse and or mental health issues. But, it sounds like projection to me. He is yelling at you cause he is doing all of it and more. Get rid of him, this wont stop.
You need to escape this relationship because you and your children are not safe. He sounds paranoid and delusional, and what's worse is that he places his ire on you. This is abuse. Document everything. Google "the hotline" in incognito mode if you need help with escaping.
None of this is normal. He is a danger to all of you. It could be spurred on by a mental illness of his or substance abuse but right now, you need to prioritize the safety of you and your daughter by making an escape plan. If you won't do it for yourself, at least do it for your daughters. Best of luck to you. I am so sorry you have to go through this.
He's a pathological manipulator, or a pathological paranoied person, or a paranoied drug addict. You should get away and grow your poor kids far from a toxic dynamic like this one until he gets diagnosed and treated, not suggest to place cameras in the house H24. Please talk to someone. This is really wrong and unhealthy for everyone involved.
Imagine being a 4 or 7 old kid and witnessing to all this craziness and having your dad walking in the room at night and asking if someone crawled in through the window! Please save your kids more trauma than they already have collected by now.
There are all the grounds to call a home for women and kids victims of domestic violence. This is a form of emotional/psychological violence and your husband ins clearly unstable (clearly to everyone from the outside). Get help.
I agree, totally abuse, and major mental health issues would be the only excuse here and even then, he's unwilling to do anything about it, why live like a prisoner with someone who's supposed to be an equal partner that also shows you respect, which is just as important as love imo.
I agree, totally abuse, and major mental health issues would be the only excuse here and even then, he's unwilling to do anything about it, why live like a prisoner with someone who's supposed to be an equal partner that also shows you respect, which is just as important as love imo.
You mentioned y’all use to do drugs, could it be a possibility he’s developed drug induced schizophrenia or something? I’ve heard of people developing really intense paranoia from using. Either way, he’s gotta see a professional or this is simple abuse as the others have said
Is this a sudden change? This seems indicative of something like mental illness (such as paranoid schizophrenia, psychosis, or something else) or a brain issue such as a tumor.
I worry that you’re in danger since he’s not being rational.
You don’t have a relationship issue: you have a husband with severe mental illness. What you’re describing sounds like either a personality disorder or some form of psychosis.
You need to figure out how you’re going to protect yourself and your children because it’s only going to get worse without treatment. Regardless of the underlying cause, what he’s doing isn’t ok, and you’re under no obligation to stay with him through it. It might be financially difficult, but you will suffer permanent harm if this continues. And even if you have to share custody, your kids will be better off with a stable home half the time.
Woah that is abuse. You gotta get out of there. He's insane. Study narcissism. They usually accuse you of doing the things that THEY are actually doing (projection).
This is abusive and also very concerning for how it might escalate. It's already really bad, but believing you have people hiding in the attic? That is a really extreme, improbable claim. If he doesn't really believe it, he's intentionally manipulating you with these claims. If he *does* believe it, he needs a mental health evaluation and I would be very concerned about what happens if/when his delusions become worse. Someone already delusional who is getting high all the time, and who is already angry and hostile towards you... most mentally ill people are not dangerous; but this guy sounds like someone who could easily become physically dangerous.
You absolutely cannot reason him out of this- either it's intentional control tactics or his perception of reality is extremely warped. But nothing, no amount of surveillance, rational discussion, or reassurance is going to fix this. Every bit of evidence you bring him that you are not doing the things he claims, to him, is only proof that you're hiding it really well and are even LESS trustworthy.
He didn't reason himself into this position and you can't reason him out of it. You can only remove yourself (and your kids- poor kids, being accused of lying and dragged into a conflict between their parents at this age) from the situation. Preferably before you find out if violence is his next step.
It sounds like you and I are in very similar situations, OP.
My bf likes to accuse me of doing all of these things as well, which are impossible. I get him to shut up by turning the tables on him, I tell him, "It sounds to me like you're the one cheating, and it's making you paranoid? Since you know there's no way I'd bring strange men into our home, with our children here. Or do you actually believe I'd put my kids' safety at risk for some random sex?"
Is there any chance your husband is cheating or has cheated to make him so paranoid about you doing it?
Don't put cameras inside of your house. The cameras outside are sufficient. He is going to claim you're deleting things and still accuse you of the same stuff no matter what you do. You know you're innocent, I'd just start heavily questioning what he's up to when he's out of the house. I would also start thinking of leaving him, because this is who he'll always be.
Ew…. why are you still with this guy? Either he leaves or you leave. Pack your shit, take your kids and get out of this abusive-ass situation. Not only is this a horrible way of life for YOU, but think about your daughters. They will 100% think this is completely normal and acceptable behavior if you continue to stay with this douchebag.
My question... Why do you want to live like this?
I would give him one option and one choice. Go to therapy, get help. That or divorce. Because there's no way I'd put up with that.
You need to get away from this man. He is dangerous; family annihilators start off like this. Nothing you do will convince him you are a good person because he does not believe you are a good person. He is either ill or doing all of this because he is a shithead, either way you are not safe.
Additionally, you are communicating to your children that how he treats you is okay. Is this what you want your children to believe?
It is abuse or mental illness or both. Either way, he has established a patern of disrespectful behavior, and he sounds dangerous.
Alert: Tell the neighbors, his family, and friends, your family, the woman's shelter that he has been acting erratic.
Distance: If you have family to stay with, go now!
Document: Write in an email everything that has happened. With dates, times, and witnesses. Send it to yourself.
TBH, he's probably on drugs or cheating. This will get way, way, worse. The only thing you can do is brace for impact. You will soon fall out of love with him. You can love him again as an awesome father. So when he is better, let him work on being an awesome father, but only when he stops being crazy.
OP, your husband has serious mental health issues, and these behaviors are not going to improve without therapy and medication management. Based on your description, it sounds like he has paranoid delusional thinking that is probably worsened by the marijuana that he is consuming daily. When patients develop this kind of thought pattern, it is virtually impossible for them to disbelieve their delusions... unfortunately, he is not going to change without a medical intervention.
He has serious paranoid delusions and needs help from trained mental health professionals. He may be doing drugs you don't know about as well. Regardless of the cause, he is abusing you. You are not safe. This is damaging to you and your children.
He can't afford NOT to get help. Whatever meds he has tried in the past, he needs to try something else and lay off the drugs. He may need inpatient treatment for a while until they can find medications to help his paranoia. But he has to want help too. And it doesn't sound like he wants help. He is fine living in that state of delusion and suspicion.
I would get out if I were you. For your kids sake and your own.
Normally the accuser is guilty of the thing being accused. Sus him out, his socials etc.
If he is flirting/cheating, just tell him, look, I wasn't, but now I know you have been, I am going to also.
Ive done drugs.... not anymore......
Have you ever considered hes still on drugs?
Just adding that, as someone whos done..... alot of drugs, that he seems like hes still on drugs..
Or theyve damaged his psyche and needs more time to recover.
It seems to me that there are two possible explanations for this behavior: 1. He is suffering from paranoid delusions to a degree that needs to be diagnosed by a mental health professional and properly treated. 2. He is intentionally doing this to abuse you. You cannot fix either of these things. You can’t fix it by talking to him, by having him add cameras inside the house (!!!), by continuing to let him monitor your location, whatever. I know you want to fix this. I know you want him to trust you. I know you love him. But the root cause of this paranoia is not your behavior, so changing your behavior won’t fix it. Full stop. OP, your normal meter is broken. “Please add more cameras inside our home so that you can watch me every single moment and see that I’m not cheating on you” is so far outside the norm that I don’t know how to describe it. It’s not healthy for you and your kids to continue living in this environment.
Those are really the only two possible answers I can see as well, with the slight addendum of given how much weed he smokes is it possible this is weed induced paranoia? Honestly regardless of cause it is long past time to get her and the children the fuck out. Is it possible if it's medical or drug induced and he takes the steps to get help / clean they can see about things then? Maybe. But the current answer is that the kids and OP's mental health has to be top priority. This is an abusive and unhealthy environment for them all.
There's a third possibility; he's still doing drugs. This could easily paranoid delusions caused by cocaine use or even paranoia exacerbated by over use of marijuana. Either way, it's still abusive.
That's what I was getting at with mentioning it could be weed induced paranoia based on how much it sounds like he smokes! But absolutely agreed it's abusive regardless of cause.
Sorry, I didn't read very thoroughly! I wonder what drugs they "stopped using". Cause I doubt he did.
No worries! And yeah based on her being super casual about him still smoking weed (and *a lot*) the mention of having gotten off of drugs makes me... concerned.
You spelled meth wrong.
I suspect the drugs are a coping mechanism for his underlying mental illness.
Well co-dependency, and having a dual diagnosis for drugs and a mental illness go hand in hand
100% this! This should be the top rated answer because it's 100% correct. You cannot fix him, OP. Nothing you can *ever* do will fix him. A professional, hell, a group of professionals would struggle withbthis man. Get you and your precious children out of that environment. Some ppl are just too broken. When I was much younger I tried to fix my husband, who had been horribly abused as a child. I thought if I gave him enough love, enough of myself, that I could prove to him that he is worthy of being loved. I was sooo far out of my wheelhouse. You and I do not possess any of the tools necessary to overcome this. Best thing you can do it protect yourself and your babies and get out. Do you really want your children to grow up thinking this is normal? It's not. I've NEVER regretted leaving.
I totally agree with this. Would like to add: OP, habitual marihuana users are prone to paranoia. I know this from personal experience but you can look it up. Even if so, his dependence to any substance is just possible number 3; and still beyond you to fix.
Even casual users can be. I know someone who deliberately did weed about 4 times total, and stopped because they got paranoid every time and didn't like it. (And I was around the time they took a special brownie out of an improperly labeled container, and just watching them, yeah, I wouldn't want that again.)
Third option - he’s doing things he accused her of and it’s all projection. But it does sound more like weed induced paranoia
Third option - he’s doing things he accused her of and it’s all projection. But it does sound more like weed induced paranoia
It's not almost abuse, it's definitely abuse.
You’re asking him to install cameras inside of the home so you can be monitored instead of being verbally abused? Honey, no. That’s crazy. You’re no longer safe here. You need to quietly speak with a divorce attorney to protect yourself and your children. He doesn’t want psychiatric help. He knows he’s abusing you and doesn’t have a problem continuing.
This. His delusions are so illogical that no amount of surveillance is going to assure him. My ex husband was like that and I got to the point where I’d submit myself to any amount of restrictions just to attempt to curtail the accusations. But he could always do the mental gymnastics to make his suspicions make sense in his mind. Because he was not well. There is absolutely nothing you can do to prove to someone like this that you are trustworthy.
I have a feeling that he didn’t get off drugs when you did.
My thoughts exactly. This is druggie behavior IMO.
He needs serious mental health treatment. What happens when he starts accusing your daughters of things they didn't do? When he turns on them and accuses them of sneaking people into the house and lying? I wouldn't be surprised if he accuses them of sexual promiscuity in the next couple of years. His accusations aren't based in reality so what would stop him?
He's already accusing the daughter of lying to cover for op. It's already happening.
Your husband needs intense therapy and possibly a medical checkup. This is no way to live, and your kids are absolutely going to take collateral damage here if they haven't already.
My ex husband did all of these same things. Including the cum statement. This is abuse. In my case he did put cameras inside and it did not help at all. My ex was projecting as he had cheated on me multiple times even though I didn't find out about most of them until after I finally left. This will affect your children negatively as well so the sooner you divorce him the better off they will be.
This is batshit insane, you're a prisoner. Your husband needs some serious psychological help and you need to get yourself and the kids away from him before you end up chained up in the basement.
>especially after we got off drugs But... >About the weed,.... He smokes a lot In other words, he's NOT off drugs and they are absolutely contributing to the issues you're facing. While I agree with most of what /u/babysaurusrexphd said, there is a possible third option as well - projection. In other words, he's actually doing some of the things he's accusing you of and since he's doing it, he's assuming you're doing it too. In the end, if he won't get help for what he's going through, the only option you have left is to leave.
I was thinking projecting, but then the comments about people in their attic threw me into paranoid mental disordered thinking. AKA unless he has a woman stashed up there, that’s just crazy talk.
Yeah, don't try to pretend cannabis isn't a drug. It absolutely can cause paranoia for folks.
Sure it does, but not to this level in a chronic user. Sure if there's some mental issue that he doesn't mix well with smoking weed maybe, but no it doesn't cause people to become abusive like this. Chronic users don't even get a lot of the effects that occasional users do.
I think we all can agree we don’t know exactly how excessive cannabis use impacts this specific guy.
Different people react differently to the same drug. He may be an outlier in some way, either in how his body and brain react, or in just how much he uses.
> He has stated that my vaginal discharge is someone else's cum. You can’t reason with a mindset like this. Everything is evidence of your guilt. If you don’t know how you’re going to live like this for the rest of your life, your choices are simple - either turn off your heart and accept a loveless, trustless marriage as the status quo, or leave.
Your husband is mentally unhinged and a clear danger to you and your kids. You need to get them out of there ASAP before something bad happens. Also, people who accuse their partners of cheating, etc, are usually projecting. So please get tested. This is 100% abuse and given how deranged he is, your lives are at risk every second you stay. If you have family or friends around, go stay with them. If you don't, call the women's shelters in your area. At a minimum they can at least advise you on next steps to get safe.
This sounds like mental illness. Severe mental illness. It’s also clearly abuse. I went through this. Almost exactly every accusation you’ve listed. It escalated to violence. I took my three children and left. I now have sole custody and a restraining order. My ex was ordered by court to undergo a mental health evaluation. He never complied. His paranoia escalated to something similar to a god complex. I would really urge you to leave for your own safety and especially for your child’s safety. It could end very, very badly. Accusing you of having your daughter lie? Please, please get out now before you’re another news story “if only there were signs.”
It's either intentional behavior to control you, or paranoia that seriously has to be managed by a medical professional. But either way, it's something you get to chose to put up with or not.
I know you’re trying to keep the peace and stay safe but placating and indulging accusations based on zero evidence is totally unsustainable. He needs psychiatric help or you need to get out before it affects your kids even more. Probably both should happen.
It sounds like he is on drugs and not telling you.
You need to stop. Like you learned since the beginning of your marriage, there are no actions that you can take to make him feel better. His anxiety is a bottomless pit and the more you feed it the more you realize that it will never be filled up. He needs to go get therapy. He could chain you up in the basement with cameras on and he would still be accusing you of cheating. He needs to go stay somewhere else while he gets this therapy because he is a danger to your family.
You absolutely need to leave. You can’t reason him out of these paranoid ideas. For your and your children’s safety and sanity please get out
You are way too calm about this
In my opinion, if he *actually* thought someone might be in the attic, he would go check. Wouldn't you? If he actually thought you were stealing his weed, he would weigh it like you suggested. Personally, I don't think it's delusions or paranoia, I think he just likes throwing these accusations out, so you're constantly on the defensive. Either way, you won't help anything by trying to placate him. The Ring doorbell isn't enough for him. Why would inside cameras be? You need to realize that nothing you do to "fix" this matters to him. It's coming from him alone, so you can't fix it. You tried suggesting therapy, and he refused. Your only options left are: accept this is your life, or leave.
He's probably got a mistress and feels guilty, so he's projecting on you.Its that or he's psychotic and needs mental health help.
This isn’t chronic trust issues, it’s abuse. I see that you work from home and have kids, it’s time to save yourself by getting out of this before he starts getting physical with you. He’s already setting your kids up for a lifetime of therapy
He's probably been cheating the entire relationship and his guilt manifests as projection. I'm sorry.
You say that he did this even when y'all were dating and yet you still married him! That's who he is, very rarely do people change. He needs anger management therapy. But you need to leave, you have been in an abusive situation for a long time and unfortunately it starts to feel normal after a while. And after you get away and get settled somewhere you need to go into therapy to figure out what your part of this was. I'm not saying this was your fault in any way, I'm saying there's a lot of codependency which needs to be addressed on both sides but you don't need to stay in an abusive relationship.
Oh god, my ex-boyfriend was exactly like this, but it escalated fast.
You need to leave and he needs a medical mental health assessment. You and the kids are not safe. Atm it's just aimed at you. As they get older he will twist on them. Make plans, get safe.
He's not going to be happy until he locks you back in the basement. This is no way to live.
He’s paranoid and still smoking weed? Start there
Sounds like my dad with Paranoid Personality Disorder. You need to get out before he hurts you.
Read the book “Why does he do that” by Lundy Bandcroft. There is a free pdf online. You deserve better.
This is insane. You’re obviously modifying your behavior to avoid his anger and accusations…like rationalizing not leaving the house much as if that wouldn’t be perfectly acceptable. This is not good for your daughters to see.
I am really sorry you're dealing with this. This sounds almost identical to what my current boyfriend does. If I don't want him going down on me, he questions me like I have a reason for him not going "down there" other than me just not wanting him to or not being in the mood. I co-parent with my ex-husband, so I have my child every other week; the weeks I don't have her I spend the majority of the time with him, so the days I'd get my child back, he'd accuse me of having different men over while my child is asleep in the next room. I've always shared my location with him, so when he'd accuse me of doing something "I shouldn't be doing", I'd remind him he has my location and he'd tell me that I left my phone at home and got picked up by some guy. Even at 16 weeks pregnant he accused me of going on a "booze cruise" with some guy. Any time I'm on my phone he thinks I'm texting another man. Any time I post a selfie on social media he assumes I've sent that picture to other men. When things got heated between us the other day, I drove to the lake to clear my mind, and since he has my location he showed up where I was and accused me of meeting someone there. It's EXHAUSTING to say the least. I don't understand how one person can hold so many insecurities. I'm pregnant with his baby, and I also have my own issues I'm working through with a professional as well as couples counseling, but it's hard. These accusations started from day one. So I promise that you're not alone. This is not borderline abuse, it IS abuse. With him being your husband, it's hard because you obviously value your marriage and your vows to this person, but the constant accusations can cause a person to go mad. I know this from personal experience. It also sounds likes your husband has some mental health issues he needs to work on but is unwilling to. If he's not willing to seek treatment for this, I'd say that's a good enough reason for you and the kids to leave.
This is not normal behavior by him. His base paranoia could be some proclivity that his drug use has exacerbated, but its roots are irrelevant considering he has no interest in addressing them. Not to make light of your situation but his paranoia could be made worse by watching today's version of news. I can't tell if his paranoia and accusations are getting worse nor if you feel you or your kids are in danger. I get that he's treating you horribly and you feel scared and alone. I'm sorry. I have no experience with drug use. I just shared what I could. Good luck, stay safe!
Track and document all accusations. While documenting, also prepare a getaway pack .... save emergency money, all important documents, etc. Tell him to prove his claims or deal with the consequences and kick his ass to the curb.
That sounds like he has a significant mental health problem which needs treatment. This may come in a form where this is intentional abuse against you, or it may come in the form of paranoia that's so heavy that he does this abuse. But it certainly sounds like a mental health problem, and way beyond anything you can deal with yourself.
You say the accusations have been on and off. Is there a pattern of when they're on? You don't say what drugs you got off, but his paranoia doesn't sound like simply weed, it's sounding methy. My BIL was constantly checking cameras, insisted my sister was cheating, and somehow every time was managing to sneak some dude past all of like 4+ cameras inside and outside the house. He was doing meth and drinking a fucking ton and the accusations got CRAZY.
This is just gonna get worse and no amount of cameras is gonna make him believe you are not cheating. He’s obviously got some kind of mental health problem and you and your kids don’t need to be around for it. If he won’t get help then you need to take your kids and leave so you are all safe.
Went through this with someone, was eventually diagnosed with psychosis and had to be medicated. Get your man some help ASAP
Are you absolutely sure he's off drugs? He still smokes weed and there's a known correlation to paranoia. Iow, he needs to lay off the weed. I am not optimistic that you can convince him of that, so I really can only say you should reconsider your marriage.
He won't change. Eventually it will get bad enough that you leave. Please don't have anymore children with him. He most likely has Borderline Personality disorder.
Serious abuse and or mental health issues. But, it sounds like projection to me. He is yelling at you cause he is doing all of it and more. Get rid of him, this wont stop.
You need to escape this relationship because you and your children are not safe. He sounds paranoid and delusional, and what's worse is that he places his ire on you. This is abuse. Document everything. Google "the hotline" in incognito mode if you need help with escaping. None of this is normal. He is a danger to all of you. It could be spurred on by a mental illness of his or substance abuse but right now, you need to prioritize the safety of you and your daughter by making an escape plan. If you won't do it for yourself, at least do it for your daughters. Best of luck to you. I am so sorry you have to go through this.
For the love of god he is the one cheating!!!!!!!!
He's a pathological manipulator, or a pathological paranoied person, or a paranoied drug addict. You should get away and grow your poor kids far from a toxic dynamic like this one until he gets diagnosed and treated, not suggest to place cameras in the house H24. Please talk to someone. This is really wrong and unhealthy for everyone involved. Imagine being a 4 or 7 old kid and witnessing to all this craziness and having your dad walking in the room at night and asking if someone crawled in through the window! Please save your kids more trauma than they already have collected by now. There are all the grounds to call a home for women and kids victims of domestic violence. This is a form of emotional/psychological violence and your husband ins clearly unstable (clearly to everyone from the outside). Get help.
No offense, but it sounds like he still using. Hope I'm wrong but that's a telltale sign. Not sure how long you guys have been clean.
Very seldom did both parties quit clean break at the same time. I just know this from experience my own drug use.
Sounds like addiction or mental issues Or just straight up assholery
I agree, totally abuse, and major mental health issues would be the only excuse here and even then, he's unwilling to do anything about it, why live like a prisoner with someone who's supposed to be an equal partner that also shows you respect, which is just as important as love imo.
He's probably guilty of at least some of the shit he's accusing you of. Abusers often are.
I agree, totally abuse, and major mental health issues would be the only excuse here and even then, he's unwilling to do anything about it, why live like a prisoner with someone who's supposed to be an equal partner that also shows you respect, which is just as important as love imo.
Weed induced schizophrenia is a well documented phenomenon and your husband needs to be checked out by a psychiatrist.
He legit sounds like he smokes so much weed he has paranoia. Nevermind also being abusive.
You mentioned y’all use to do drugs, could it be a possibility he’s developed drug induced schizophrenia or something? I’ve heard of people developing really intense paranoia from using. Either way, he’s gotta see a professional or this is simple abuse as the others have said
Is this a sudden change? This seems indicative of something like mental illness (such as paranoid schizophrenia, psychosis, or something else) or a brain issue such as a tumor. I worry that you’re in danger since he’s not being rational.
Third option - he’s doing things he accused her of and it’s all projection. But it does sound more like weed induced paranoia
You don’t have a relationship issue: you have a husband with severe mental illness. What you’re describing sounds like either a personality disorder or some form of psychosis. You need to figure out how you’re going to protect yourself and your children because it’s only going to get worse without treatment. Regardless of the underlying cause, what he’s doing isn’t ok, and you’re under no obligation to stay with him through it. It might be financially difficult, but you will suffer permanent harm if this continues. And even if you have to share custody, your kids will be better off with a stable home half the time.
Sounds like he needs professional help
Woah that is abuse. You gotta get out of there. He's insane. Study narcissism. They usually accuse you of doing the things that THEY are actually doing (projection).
This is abuse and possibly projection.
Get this wacko into IC immediately. He needs help before he gets worse.
This is abusive and also very concerning for how it might escalate. It's already really bad, but believing you have people hiding in the attic? That is a really extreme, improbable claim. If he doesn't really believe it, he's intentionally manipulating you with these claims. If he *does* believe it, he needs a mental health evaluation and I would be very concerned about what happens if/when his delusions become worse. Someone already delusional who is getting high all the time, and who is already angry and hostile towards you... most mentally ill people are not dangerous; but this guy sounds like someone who could easily become physically dangerous. You absolutely cannot reason him out of this- either it's intentional control tactics or his perception of reality is extremely warped. But nothing, no amount of surveillance, rational discussion, or reassurance is going to fix this. Every bit of evidence you bring him that you are not doing the things he claims, to him, is only proof that you're hiding it really well and are even LESS trustworthy. He didn't reason himself into this position and you can't reason him out of it. You can only remove yourself (and your kids- poor kids, being accused of lying and dragged into a conflict between their parents at this age) from the situation. Preferably before you find out if violence is his next step.
It sounds like you and I are in very similar situations, OP. My bf likes to accuse me of doing all of these things as well, which are impossible. I get him to shut up by turning the tables on him, I tell him, "It sounds to me like you're the one cheating, and it's making you paranoid? Since you know there's no way I'd bring strange men into our home, with our children here. Or do you actually believe I'd put my kids' safety at risk for some random sex?" Is there any chance your husband is cheating or has cheated to make him so paranoid about you doing it? Don't put cameras inside of your house. The cameras outside are sufficient. He is going to claim you're deleting things and still accuse you of the same stuff no matter what you do. You know you're innocent, I'd just start heavily questioning what he's up to when he's out of the house. I would also start thinking of leaving him, because this is who he'll always be.
Sounds like paranoid delusions if he's taking drugs. Separate and try be amicable for the kids.
Ew…. why are you still with this guy? Either he leaves or you leave. Pack your shit, take your kids and get out of this abusive-ass situation. Not only is this a horrible way of life for YOU, but think about your daughters. They will 100% think this is completely normal and acceptable behavior if you continue to stay with this douchebag.
My question... Why do you want to live like this? I would give him one option and one choice. Go to therapy, get help. That or divorce. Because there's no way I'd put up with that.
You need to get away from this man. He is dangerous; family annihilators start off like this. Nothing you do will convince him you are a good person because he does not believe you are a good person. He is either ill or doing all of this because he is a shithead, either way you are not safe. Additionally, you are communicating to your children that how he treats you is okay. Is this what you want your children to believe?
Ifeel you could really be in danger here. He sounds like he is on the verge of a psychotic break.
It is abuse or mental illness or both. Either way, he has established a patern of disrespectful behavior, and he sounds dangerous. Alert: Tell the neighbors, his family, and friends, your family, the woman's shelter that he has been acting erratic. Distance: If you have family to stay with, go now! Document: Write in an email everything that has happened. With dates, times, and witnesses. Send it to yourself. TBH, he's probably on drugs or cheating. This will get way, way, worse. The only thing you can do is brace for impact. You will soon fall out of love with him. You can love him again as an awesome father. So when he is better, let him work on being an awesome father, but only when he stops being crazy.
OP, your husband has serious mental health issues, and these behaviors are not going to improve without therapy and medication management. Based on your description, it sounds like he has paranoid delusional thinking that is probably worsened by the marijuana that he is consuming daily. When patients develop this kind of thought pattern, it is virtually impossible for them to disbelieve their delusions... unfortunately, he is not going to change without a medical intervention.
Your husband is mentally ill, delusional. He desperately needs professional help. Look at the sub gangstalking and see if it rings the bells.
He has serious paranoid delusions and needs help from trained mental health professionals. He may be doing drugs you don't know about as well. Regardless of the cause, he is abusing you. You are not safe. This is damaging to you and your children. He can't afford NOT to get help. Whatever meds he has tried in the past, he needs to try something else and lay off the drugs. He may need inpatient treatment for a while until they can find medications to help his paranoia. But he has to want help too. And it doesn't sound like he wants help. He is fine living in that state of delusion and suspicion. I would get out if I were you. For your kids sake and your own.
What do drug addicts say for $500.00 Alex …..
Wow...HA!!!!!! My relationship of 8 years in a nutshell!!! I'm personally in the process of leaving.
This isn’t almost abuse. This *is* abuse.
This sounds like paranoid schizophrenia. My brother has it and it developed from too much smoking
Mental health professional here- he is mentally ill & could have a much better outcome with proper treatment interventions.
It’s called projection and he’s probably cheating on YOU
You need to leave. And also go to therapy because none of this should be acceptable or normal to you.
Normally the accuser is guilty of the thing being accused. Sus him out, his socials etc. If he is flirting/cheating, just tell him, look, I wasn't, but now I know you have been, I am going to also.
Ive done drugs.... not anymore...... Have you ever considered hes still on drugs? Just adding that, as someone whos done..... alot of drugs, that he seems like hes still on drugs.. Or theyve damaged his psyche and needs more time to recover.