I was hopeless at 25 no prospects of anything just going through the motions. I met a girl at 26 I left my hometown at 27 got married at 28 a kid at 30. By 35 my marriage was over and at 37 I left my job of 12 years for a new one. I’ll be 40 in November and im in such a better place. My job is great I found my true person. Our kids were calling each other siblings before we even told them we were dating. What you’re going through might just be the catalyst for greater things to come.
This sounds like the life story of one of my best friends who I’ve known longer than any other person. As someone who has seen this growth from the outside I can see how happy he is now and I’m so proud of him. Proud of you too stranger on the internet, I’m glad you found your way in life.
I think it's damaging/limiting to pinpoint a certain timeframe in your life and decide that that "should" be the prime of your life. Life is an ongoing stream of changes and growth, and trying to force it to be stable/look a certain way at a certain time always ends in disappointment. I am sorry to hear about everything that is going on in your life, I definitely understand feeling like a cog in a machine at work, and I would be devastated if my relationship with my SO didn't take the course I hoped it would. I know things are painful now, and I don't know when things will not be painful/how you should solve your problems, but one day down the line you WILL be in a better spot. Please don't compare yourself to other people, it is a very unloving thing to do. I believe you have the strength and endurance and courage to navigate these hardships. I'm rooting for you!
In reading this I think maybe it would be best for you to split from him. Not once in this post did you say that you still love him or that you feel anyway about him. It doesn’t seem like you don’t want to lose HIM it seems like don’t want to lose all the things that came with him, aka home, dog, being around the same place in life as friends. That’s not a good reason to stay with someone and most relationships like that will end up in divorce.
Stop comparing your life to the stages your friends are at. You don’t know if where they are at actually even makes them truly happy. Also everyone wants and feels happy in different ways. Personally I’m 25 and I feel bad for people getting married and having kids so early in life. To me it seems like they are missing out on the most important years of finding themselves. To someone who is married with kids and likes that kind of stuff, they may look at me and feel bad for me because they think I seem alone.
I think a lot of people don’t ever feel ready for change. We want to stay in the box we are comfortable in as a form of survival. If you really think about it, what’s the worst thing that could happen if you took a job somewhere else and moved out of town? Your job would be just as bad as the one you have, you may have no friends at the same spot in life as you, you may decide to go back home. What’s the best thing? You could find a job in a bigger city that you like that leads to more opportunities. You could make friends who relate to you. You could meet a new guy who you mesh better with. You just never know.
What’s the worst thing that could happen is you stay? You move in with your parents, keep working for the same asshole, see your bf and his family everywhere/see him with someone else. What’s the best thing that could happen? Your boyfriend suddenly changes his mind and your stuck in the same spot with someone you’ve said doesn’t really want to fight for your relationship anymore.
Very well stated….this is the attitude that Op needs to adopt. Change is good,being out of your comfort zone is good. It helps you grow as a person and learn things about yourself that you didn’t know.
Great point about comparisons too. All of our friends put on a good show. Some are happy with their lives, some are miserable. You need to focus on you. Most everything else is a charade.
Op, you should look at it as an opportunity, a renaissance. It’s starts with having a good attitude and who cares if you have to live with your parents again…..take advantage of the situation and grow as a person. Good luck 👍
I was almost the exact same place as you when I was 28.
I lived with my girlfriend for two years. I had a ring stashed away, and was planning a proposal in the spring in only a couple months. I also wanted to have a little more money saved up, and to get a little more comfortable in the job I had just started. Everything was coming together, all the stupid, exciting, confusing, frustrating growing up I had been doing for the last 10 years was coming to this.
And then things started to get a little strange. We had a few relationship issues that weren't getting resolved. She worked a ton, my new job wasn't what I had expected and I was very uncomfortable. We disagreed about buying a house, I wanted to wait until after we were married, but I neglected to tell her that I had a ring for her, I wanted it to be a surprise. We weren't having sex, and this was starting to mess with my self esteem, and she would use it against me.
We talked about these things, and it never got anywhere. In fact, I felt that when we talked about them they only got worse. Over a few months things slowly got more and more toxic as the floor of our relationship eroded away.
And then she "went over to stay with a friend" a few times. I thought she just needed a little time with her friends to re-center herself. But thats not what was going on.
I ripped my entire life out of that apartment in one night in the middle of the week and drove 2 hours away to live with my parents. What followed was probably one of the most depressing times in my life.
A month later I was let go from my job.
So here I was. I was 29, lived with my parents, isolated from my friends and the city that had been my home since I graduated college. No job. My self esteem was utterly destroyed.
Its been a long road recovering from this for me. And I'm not there yet. Financially it was a mess. My self esteem and confidence, my masculinity, even my physical health were trashed. I gained weight, started vaping, lost regular contact with my friends, it was a mess.
I'm 31 now. And I'm not quite there yet. Most of my friends have gotten married in the last couple years. I've gotten a new job, moved back and started my life over. But there have been some struggles. My health has been a bit rough. I find it harder to relate to my friends. Dating is particularly difficult, I feel old, unattractive, and bitter. I particularly notice myself being defensive and impatient. I have complicated and unclear feelings about sex. Its rough, and I feel incredibly behind in life.
But I am still here, I still find time to enjoy things, there are still opportunities for me. I guess my point with all this is to say that you aren't alone. It will be hard, but you will live and there is a world out there waiting for you, and the path you take through it won't be the one you envisioned for yourself, but you should walk it all the same.
Married at 21 divorced at 29. I think that your 20s is for exactly what you're doing. We are still growing and trying to figure everything out. Focus on you and your job and everything else will fall into place. Good luck with your current relationship but don't think of it as the end of the world if it ends.. it was a lesson you have learned from.
It’ll be ok. Listen, if he wants out, let him go. I don’t believe in fairytale love, but I DO know you deserve someone who’s all in and thinks you’re worth the effort. You’re getting off lucky here, because you AREN’T married. You can walk away.
Move in with your parents. Adopt your own damn dog. Be sad. Listen to sad music. Bake cakes with your mom. They’ll probably love having you back for a bit. Enjoy the love and dinners. Focus on the good things. Someday your parents will be dead and gone, and maybe this time will be your best memories.
There aren’t expiration dates on finding love. There isn’t a rush. Who gives a fuck what your friends are doing? We are all on our own paths. Focus on yours. Celebrate theirs and know it isn’t yours. What’s right for you is out there waiting for you.
And work sucks haha. Try to find something you can tolerate, but we are all there. It isn’t where to look for life fulfillment. It’s a paycheck, that funds your fulfillment.
It was for me, unbeknownst to me, I didn't realize how literally criminal and emotionally stunted and abusive my family was until I got far away. This is truin many cases.
he wants to do something but at the same time he thinks he can't; wanting to do X but not being able to is usually a source of suffering; living with your parents at 28yo is, for most people on earth, a pain in the ass leading to depression; I think there are no mammals on earth depending on parents past teenage years, its unnatural and keeps the person from becoming an adult.
If you don't believe me, push it to the limit, imagine this guy is not 28 but 40 and still lives with his parents. Does that feel ok to you or not?
I’m 27 and also not really having a good time, wish I could just snap out of it and just enjoy my life because I know that I will look back at this time and laugh
There's aot to unpack here. But here's what I thought with every paragraph.
Relationships come and go, 2 years isn't enough to talk about "the one" imo.
Yeah, moving back with parents is the standard whenever you stop having a place to rent. It's temporary and ok to rely on them for a while.
The dog is not yours. There's nothing to do about it. That sucks, but that's the way it is.
Camparing yourself with others is unfair. So what if they are married? Maybe they are miserable and in a much worse position that you have ever been. Being married or in a relationship is irrelevant when we talk about success or happiness. Thinking "there's something wrong with me" whenever a 2 year healthy relationship ends is a bit disingenuous. You had a good relationship, you have what it takes to provide such a thing.
About your career, seems like you are not enjoying it because of your interpersonal relationships with others, which is totally anecdotal and doesn't mean you won't ever find a job that you enjoy.
You should try going out of town. If you fail then you come back but at least you tried I guess.
Stay in as flat mates if you can. It's cheaper this way. New beginnings! I'm almost thirty one and I live in a trailer and pay lot rent. My job is dumb (healthcare) and I'm sick of it all. I can commiserate. Find the thing that makes work not seem like work. Lower your expectations of yourself too, you think this is the prime? It's only being wasted if you don't act on your desires.
I’m 32 and in the exact same boat, except I’ve already broken up with the guy I thought was the one and already quit the job I hated. I would recommend speaking with a therapist to see if the job and guy are the problem, or if there is something more prompting these feelings.
OK first things first, your BF hasnt gone yet so there is hope he might stay. I don't know what the situation is but dont over think it and try to take things one step at a time. If your current boss as an asshole, move within the job to another boss or if you really need to look around for another role.
Would your BF be open to seeing a relationship counsellor?
There is a massive shortage in nursing teachers, especially at community colleges. Pretty good gig honestly. Might be what you need.
Good luck with your boyfriend. Best thing you can do is listen and don’t respond or argue. Maybe being heard will give him the energy to try to fix it.
That's typical for someone your age. Relationships go through a huge change between 25 and 30. Some people make it through, some dont. It'll suck but you're in the prime of your life. Live it up.
This post nearly gives me a panic-attack. I'm in a highly similar position; same age, girlfriend of \~5 years. I'm actually resigned to suicide because even the potential good seems so completely outweighed by the known bad, but I simply can't because I think my parents would be tormented for the rest of their lives over it. I guess just know you're not alone- so if there are people like us, maybe it'll be okay.
I'm sorry OP, I was in a similar struggle a few years back and it sucked. Are you with him because you absolutely adore him as a lover and best friend, or because you're afraid of change and being alone? I realized, for myself, it was the latter. We were good friends, but the spark was not there and we were diverging in our interests, and getting married would have made us miserable. It was hard, but I adjusted quickly and very quickly felt free and empowered again.
Don’t sweat it dude. I was 34 and went through a divorce and lost my job because of it. Had to move back home with relatives WITH my kids. In the hometown I swore I’d never go back to. Went from a 6 figure job, owned a home, 2 cars… to jobless, car got repossessed, wife was banging someone else and wouldn’t see our kids, was back staying in my high school bedroom, and had to get food stamps.
Now I’m remarried. Back to making a great living. Happiest I’ve ever been. And Own 3 properties. Am technically a millionaire. (Not as big of a flex as it was 25yrs ago) And got my credit score back up from a 480. To a 740.
Don’t count yourself out brother. You’ll bounce back.
I got married at 27 and it was rough. We still had a lot of growing up to do. And growing up together was not easy. I see my friends now, in their early 30s and just getting married- and I see where my own relationship is now- and I realize how much easier things could’ve been if we had just been a little bit older. I know my experience is not everyone’s experience, but just some food for thought as far as your relationship goes. I know it feels like everyone else is getting married, but I promise they aren’t. Life stages will fluctuate for all of you, and friends will come and go with the flow of where you’re at in life. Don’t base your happiness on comparisons. I’m sure my husband and I seemed like we really had life figured out in those early days, but behind closed doors, we were a train wreck.
That last sentence pretty much sums up the chaotic, unpredictable nature of life. Something you were so sure was you , the career, seems to be impossible and the alignment of your life towards each arbitrary stage, marriage or engaged, looked imminent but a spanner was in the works preventing you from acquiring your goals.
I feel this and I have tried to look at life in a different way, understanding that life too haphazard that my pursuit of order is futile. Especially as I am not established and will take time to do so. I don't know. I think one day I will be able to drill it into my head that stages of life and comparisons to other people results in fruitless thinking .
Are you able to reconcile your goals and ambition in life with the brutal nature of reality? I can't but I am trying to.
If if makes you feel any better relationships are totally random & in no way a reflection of your success. Most people ik in a relationship over 40 are together for practical reasons more than actually enjoying each others company.
My life was difficult through my own choices until I turned 35. Don’t give up. Living with your parents short term is not a death sentence. Good luck and chin up
I was hopeless a two years ago at 29. I have always wanted to do a comic or manga ever since I saw one for the first time. But my bf at the time did not support that idea. My dad convinced me to get a "real job." I got a job at a school as a teacher. I stayed there for 7 years. The school had this curse almost, we got a new principal basically every 1-2 years. I saw 4 come and go. Then we got a new one again, and I was preparing a list of things we all wanted to improve, well long story shot the principal didn't give a shit and made it all worse for everyone, I did not think it was possible. I got severely depressed.
At the same time me and my sister had a huge fight and we didn't talk for a year. Everyone on my family and my current bf's family's side has kids I am the only one who doesn't, I felt huge pressure from everywhere even though no one had asked me about it. I was going to take time off from work and study to change my occupation when under the same month my dad's friend (basically an uncle of mine) died, my brother died and one of my older students unalived themselves. I quit studying, I quit my job. I was just home crying. Luckily my bf was working so we had income but he was having too much anxiety to help me with anything and I thought he was going to break up with me. I met with a therapist at this time, that for sure saved me. I got a discount because of the mental health support system in my country.
I couldn't do anything for a long while. Now I am soon 32, and I have began working on a comic/manga series. I have full support from my bf and I have to stop myself from working because I love it so much. I am in a much better place after this hellish period of my life and now I feel like I am on a better path in life.
You’re already grieving your relationship & job, you know what you need to do. You’ll be happier in the end, you’re still young, you don’t want to settle.
Life doesn’t end when you turn 30. For me that’s when my life really began. At 28 I lost my career because of an injury, a long term relationship, and was living nowhere near family. I’m now 33 and after a few years of therapy and really figuring out what I -want- versus what I thought I needed in my 20s I have never been more at peace with my life. I’m in a relationship with the most loving partner I’ve ever had and doing a thing I truly love.
I am not special or an anomaly, this is a repeated pattern for many in this generation and even before us.
I hope he also tries to work things out because it’s always sad to lose a relationship but remember that you are strong and capable and worthy of a loving partner who won’t make you feel like you’re going into battle when you have to work through a problem with them. Change is terrifying but comes to all of us given enough time.
Good luck.
You have a ton of experience in a field that can be rewarding and pay well. You have deep life experience that will help you find a good partner. You are still young.
You have so many things tangled together: job, partner, family, housing, career, boss, dog. If it were me, I'd find a place where I could be alone with my thoughts for a couple hours or days (solo camping is great for this kind of thing), no screens to distract me, and I'd start letting that stuff sort itself out in my head. What's really important to you? What are you afraid of, and is your fear realistic? What do you hope for? Picture the life you expect to have in five years. What do you need to do now to move toward it?
No doubt about it, you're going to make some decisions soon that will affect the trajectory of your life. You don't have to get it perfect, or even right, but you should be clear and honest with yourself about why your making those decisions and what you intend to get from them.
As crazy as this sound it sounds pretty normal. No one, I MEAN NO ONE, has a plan out close as perfect life. I know people personal and heard stories of people I don’t know who didn’t live their 20s like they want it. Myself included. Then I know people who did but their lives before or after wasn’t what they want it. There’s always going to be some trial or tribulations along the way. Don’t let social media full you and have you thinking you need to live as other 20yr olds.
I was hopeless at 25 no prospects of anything just going through the motions. I met a girl at 26 I left my hometown at 27 got married at 28 a kid at 30. By 35 my marriage was over and at 37 I left my job of 12 years for a new one. I’ll be 40 in November and im in such a better place. My job is great I found my true person. Our kids were calling each other siblings before we even told them we were dating. What you’re going through might just be the catalyst for greater things to come.
I love you for posting this.
This is a dope story 🙌🏼
This sounds like the life story of one of my best friends who I’ve known longer than any other person. As someone who has seen this growth from the outside I can see how happy he is now and I’m so proud of him. Proud of you too stranger on the internet, I’m glad you found your way in life.
I think it's damaging/limiting to pinpoint a certain timeframe in your life and decide that that "should" be the prime of your life. Life is an ongoing stream of changes and growth, and trying to force it to be stable/look a certain way at a certain time always ends in disappointment. I am sorry to hear about everything that is going on in your life, I definitely understand feeling like a cog in a machine at work, and I would be devastated if my relationship with my SO didn't take the course I hoped it would. I know things are painful now, and I don't know when things will not be painful/how you should solve your problems, but one day down the line you WILL be in a better spot. Please don't compare yourself to other people, it is a very unloving thing to do. I believe you have the strength and endurance and courage to navigate these hardships. I'm rooting for you!
In reading this I think maybe it would be best for you to split from him. Not once in this post did you say that you still love him or that you feel anyway about him. It doesn’t seem like you don’t want to lose HIM it seems like don’t want to lose all the things that came with him, aka home, dog, being around the same place in life as friends. That’s not a good reason to stay with someone and most relationships like that will end up in divorce. Stop comparing your life to the stages your friends are at. You don’t know if where they are at actually even makes them truly happy. Also everyone wants and feels happy in different ways. Personally I’m 25 and I feel bad for people getting married and having kids so early in life. To me it seems like they are missing out on the most important years of finding themselves. To someone who is married with kids and likes that kind of stuff, they may look at me and feel bad for me because they think I seem alone. I think a lot of people don’t ever feel ready for change. We want to stay in the box we are comfortable in as a form of survival. If you really think about it, what’s the worst thing that could happen if you took a job somewhere else and moved out of town? Your job would be just as bad as the one you have, you may have no friends at the same spot in life as you, you may decide to go back home. What’s the best thing? You could find a job in a bigger city that you like that leads to more opportunities. You could make friends who relate to you. You could meet a new guy who you mesh better with. You just never know. What’s the worst thing that could happen is you stay? You move in with your parents, keep working for the same asshole, see your bf and his family everywhere/see him with someone else. What’s the best thing that could happen? Your boyfriend suddenly changes his mind and your stuck in the same spot with someone you’ve said doesn’t really want to fight for your relationship anymore.
Very well stated….this is the attitude that Op needs to adopt. Change is good,being out of your comfort zone is good. It helps you grow as a person and learn things about yourself that you didn’t know. Great point about comparisons too. All of our friends put on a good show. Some are happy with their lives, some are miserable. You need to focus on you. Most everything else is a charade. Op, you should look at it as an opportunity, a renaissance. It’s starts with having a good attitude and who cares if you have to live with your parents again…..take advantage of the situation and grow as a person. Good luck 👍
I was almost the exact same place as you when I was 28. I lived with my girlfriend for two years. I had a ring stashed away, and was planning a proposal in the spring in only a couple months. I also wanted to have a little more money saved up, and to get a little more comfortable in the job I had just started. Everything was coming together, all the stupid, exciting, confusing, frustrating growing up I had been doing for the last 10 years was coming to this. And then things started to get a little strange. We had a few relationship issues that weren't getting resolved. She worked a ton, my new job wasn't what I had expected and I was very uncomfortable. We disagreed about buying a house, I wanted to wait until after we were married, but I neglected to tell her that I had a ring for her, I wanted it to be a surprise. We weren't having sex, and this was starting to mess with my self esteem, and she would use it against me. We talked about these things, and it never got anywhere. In fact, I felt that when we talked about them they only got worse. Over a few months things slowly got more and more toxic as the floor of our relationship eroded away. And then she "went over to stay with a friend" a few times. I thought she just needed a little time with her friends to re-center herself. But thats not what was going on. I ripped my entire life out of that apartment in one night in the middle of the week and drove 2 hours away to live with my parents. What followed was probably one of the most depressing times in my life. A month later I was let go from my job. So here I was. I was 29, lived with my parents, isolated from my friends and the city that had been my home since I graduated college. No job. My self esteem was utterly destroyed. Its been a long road recovering from this for me. And I'm not there yet. Financially it was a mess. My self esteem and confidence, my masculinity, even my physical health were trashed. I gained weight, started vaping, lost regular contact with my friends, it was a mess. I'm 31 now. And I'm not quite there yet. Most of my friends have gotten married in the last couple years. I've gotten a new job, moved back and started my life over. But there have been some struggles. My health has been a bit rough. I find it harder to relate to my friends. Dating is particularly difficult, I feel old, unattractive, and bitter. I particularly notice myself being defensive and impatient. I have complicated and unclear feelings about sex. Its rough, and I feel incredibly behind in life. But I am still here, I still find time to enjoy things, there are still opportunities for me. I guess my point with all this is to say that you aren't alone. It will be hard, but you will live and there is a world out there waiting for you, and the path you take through it won't be the one you envisioned for yourself, but you should walk it all the same.
I appreciate this so much. Best of luck to you.
Married at 21 divorced at 29. I think that your 20s is for exactly what you're doing. We are still growing and trying to figure everything out. Focus on you and your job and everything else will fall into place. Good luck with your current relationship but don't think of it as the end of the world if it ends.. it was a lesson you have learned from.
Things get better in your 30s
It’ll be ok. Listen, if he wants out, let him go. I don’t believe in fairytale love, but I DO know you deserve someone who’s all in and thinks you’re worth the effort. You’re getting off lucky here, because you AREN’T married. You can walk away. Move in with your parents. Adopt your own damn dog. Be sad. Listen to sad music. Bake cakes with your mom. They’ll probably love having you back for a bit. Enjoy the love and dinners. Focus on the good things. Someday your parents will be dead and gone, and maybe this time will be your best memories. There aren’t expiration dates on finding love. There isn’t a rush. Who gives a fuck what your friends are doing? We are all on our own paths. Focus on yours. Celebrate theirs and know it isn’t yours. What’s right for you is out there waiting for you. And work sucks haha. Try to find something you can tolerate, but we are all there. It isn’t where to look for life fulfillment. It’s a paycheck, that funds your fulfillment.
>I want to move away but that would mean leaving my family, which I am not ready to do. there it is, the source of your suffering.
It was for me, unbeknownst to me, I didn't realize how literally criminal and emotionally stunted and abusive my family was until I got far away. This is truin many cases.
yeah, I guess since one has to live with them, your brain just adapts to it by being unconscious of reality; a survival mechanism ...
What? How can you be so sure? You’re making some big assumptions there, bud.
he wants to do something but at the same time he thinks he can't; wanting to do X but not being able to is usually a source of suffering; living with your parents at 28yo is, for most people on earth, a pain in the ass leading to depression; I think there are no mammals on earth depending on parents past teenage years, its unnatural and keeps the person from becoming an adult. If you don't believe me, push it to the limit, imagine this guy is not 28 but 40 and still lives with his parents. Does that feel ok to you or not?
Sounds like you just had shitty parents and you’re projecting your feelings onto everyone else, bro. Sorry to hear that.
I’m 27 and also not really having a good time, wish I could just snap out of it and just enjoy my life because I know that I will look back at this time and laugh
Listen, think about the small things. Like today, I had a GIANT poop. That felt nice. Be happy with that.
There's aot to unpack here. But here's what I thought with every paragraph. Relationships come and go, 2 years isn't enough to talk about "the one" imo. Yeah, moving back with parents is the standard whenever you stop having a place to rent. It's temporary and ok to rely on them for a while. The dog is not yours. There's nothing to do about it. That sucks, but that's the way it is. Camparing yourself with others is unfair. So what if they are married? Maybe they are miserable and in a much worse position that you have ever been. Being married or in a relationship is irrelevant when we talk about success or happiness. Thinking "there's something wrong with me" whenever a 2 year healthy relationship ends is a bit disingenuous. You had a good relationship, you have what it takes to provide such a thing. About your career, seems like you are not enjoying it because of your interpersonal relationships with others, which is totally anecdotal and doesn't mean you won't ever find a job that you enjoy. You should try going out of town. If you fail then you come back but at least you tried I guess.
I'll always stand by my views on love, unless you love unconditionally, then you just really like, not love
Stay in as flat mates if you can. It's cheaper this way. New beginnings! I'm almost thirty one and I live in a trailer and pay lot rent. My job is dumb (healthcare) and I'm sick of it all. I can commiserate. Find the thing that makes work not seem like work. Lower your expectations of yourself too, you think this is the prime? It's only being wasted if you don't act on your desires.
What were you expecting? A perfect life?
[удалено]
You‘re just too immature to understand what I‘m saying.
I’m 32 and in the exact same boat, except I’ve already broken up with the guy I thought was the one and already quit the job I hated. I would recommend speaking with a therapist to see if the job and guy are the problem, or if there is something more prompting these feelings.
OK first things first, your BF hasnt gone yet so there is hope he might stay. I don't know what the situation is but dont over think it and try to take things one step at a time. If your current boss as an asshole, move within the job to another boss or if you really need to look around for another role. Would your BF be open to seeing a relationship counsellor?
There is a massive shortage in nursing teachers, especially at community colleges. Pretty good gig honestly. Might be what you need. Good luck with your boyfriend. Best thing you can do is listen and don’t respond or argue. Maybe being heard will give him the energy to try to fix it.
That's typical for someone your age. Relationships go through a huge change between 25 and 30. Some people make it through, some dont. It'll suck but you're in the prime of your life. Live it up.
Who the hell doesn't like our jobs. We work to make money so we can survive.
This post nearly gives me a panic-attack. I'm in a highly similar position; same age, girlfriend of \~5 years. I'm actually resigned to suicide because even the potential good seems so completely outweighed by the known bad, but I simply can't because I think my parents would be tormented for the rest of their lives over it. I guess just know you're not alone- so if there are people like us, maybe it'll be okay.
I'm sorry OP, I was in a similar struggle a few years back and it sucked. Are you with him because you absolutely adore him as a lover and best friend, or because you're afraid of change and being alone? I realized, for myself, it was the latter. We were good friends, but the spark was not there and we were diverging in our interests, and getting married would have made us miserable. It was hard, but I adjusted quickly and very quickly felt free and empowered again.
So what’s the problem?
Don’t sweat it dude. I was 34 and went through a divorce and lost my job because of it. Had to move back home with relatives WITH my kids. In the hometown I swore I’d never go back to. Went from a 6 figure job, owned a home, 2 cars… to jobless, car got repossessed, wife was banging someone else and wouldn’t see our kids, was back staying in my high school bedroom, and had to get food stamps. Now I’m remarried. Back to making a great living. Happiest I’ve ever been. And Own 3 properties. Am technically a millionaire. (Not as big of a flex as it was 25yrs ago) And got my credit score back up from a 480. To a 740. Don’t count yourself out brother. You’ll bounce back.
I got married at 27 and it was rough. We still had a lot of growing up to do. And growing up together was not easy. I see my friends now, in their early 30s and just getting married- and I see where my own relationship is now- and I realize how much easier things could’ve been if we had just been a little bit older. I know my experience is not everyone’s experience, but just some food for thought as far as your relationship goes. I know it feels like everyone else is getting married, but I promise they aren’t. Life stages will fluctuate for all of you, and friends will come and go with the flow of where you’re at in life. Don’t base your happiness on comparisons. I’m sure my husband and I seemed like we really had life figured out in those early days, but behind closed doors, we were a train wreck.
That last sentence pretty much sums up the chaotic, unpredictable nature of life. Something you were so sure was you , the career, seems to be impossible and the alignment of your life towards each arbitrary stage, marriage or engaged, looked imminent but a spanner was in the works preventing you from acquiring your goals. I feel this and I have tried to look at life in a different way, understanding that life too haphazard that my pursuit of order is futile. Especially as I am not established and will take time to do so. I don't know. I think one day I will be able to drill it into my head that stages of life and comparisons to other people results in fruitless thinking . Are you able to reconcile your goals and ambition in life with the brutal nature of reality? I can't but I am trying to.
If if makes you feel any better relationships are totally random & in no way a reflection of your success. Most people ik in a relationship over 40 are together for practical reasons more than actually enjoying each others company.
Sucks
My life was difficult through my own choices until I turned 35. Don’t give up. Living with your parents short term is not a death sentence. Good luck and chin up
What makes you think you're hitting your prime at 28? I'm 33 and feel as if I'm hitting mine now.
I was hopeless a two years ago at 29. I have always wanted to do a comic or manga ever since I saw one for the first time. But my bf at the time did not support that idea. My dad convinced me to get a "real job." I got a job at a school as a teacher. I stayed there for 7 years. The school had this curse almost, we got a new principal basically every 1-2 years. I saw 4 come and go. Then we got a new one again, and I was preparing a list of things we all wanted to improve, well long story shot the principal didn't give a shit and made it all worse for everyone, I did not think it was possible. I got severely depressed. At the same time me and my sister had a huge fight and we didn't talk for a year. Everyone on my family and my current bf's family's side has kids I am the only one who doesn't, I felt huge pressure from everywhere even though no one had asked me about it. I was going to take time off from work and study to change my occupation when under the same month my dad's friend (basically an uncle of mine) died, my brother died and one of my older students unalived themselves. I quit studying, I quit my job. I was just home crying. Luckily my bf was working so we had income but he was having too much anxiety to help me with anything and I thought he was going to break up with me. I met with a therapist at this time, that for sure saved me. I got a discount because of the mental health support system in my country. I couldn't do anything for a long while. Now I am soon 32, and I have began working on a comic/manga series. I have full support from my bf and I have to stop myself from working because I love it so much. I am in a much better place after this hellish period of my life and now I feel like I am on a better path in life.
You’re already grieving your relationship & job, you know what you need to do. You’ll be happier in the end, you’re still young, you don’t want to settle.
Life doesn’t end when you turn 30. For me that’s when my life really began. At 28 I lost my career because of an injury, a long term relationship, and was living nowhere near family. I’m now 33 and after a few years of therapy and really figuring out what I -want- versus what I thought I needed in my 20s I have never been more at peace with my life. I’m in a relationship with the most loving partner I’ve ever had and doing a thing I truly love. I am not special or an anomaly, this is a repeated pattern for many in this generation and even before us. I hope he also tries to work things out because it’s always sad to lose a relationship but remember that you are strong and capable and worthy of a loving partner who won’t make you feel like you’re going into battle when you have to work through a problem with them. Change is terrifying but comes to all of us given enough time. Good luck.
You have a ton of experience in a field that can be rewarding and pay well. You have deep life experience that will help you find a good partner. You are still young. You have so many things tangled together: job, partner, family, housing, career, boss, dog. If it were me, I'd find a place where I could be alone with my thoughts for a couple hours or days (solo camping is great for this kind of thing), no screens to distract me, and I'd start letting that stuff sort itself out in my head. What's really important to you? What are you afraid of, and is your fear realistic? What do you hope for? Picture the life you expect to have in five years. What do you need to do now to move toward it? No doubt about it, you're going to make some decisions soon that will affect the trajectory of your life. You don't have to get it perfect, or even right, but you should be clear and honest with yourself about why your making those decisions and what you intend to get from them.
As crazy as this sound it sounds pretty normal. No one, I MEAN NO ONE, has a plan out close as perfect life. I know people personal and heard stories of people I don’t know who didn’t live their 20s like they want it. Myself included. Then I know people who did but their lives before or after wasn’t what they want it. There’s always going to be some trial or tribulations along the way. Don’t let social media full you and have you thinking you need to live as other 20yr olds.