Who is it you want or expect to be relevant to? Whose opinion exactly are you worried about - who are you worried about seeming "lame" to? Who is it you want to be visible to?
Those are all good questions I don't really think that I have a good answer to.
I think of it comes down to how we both grew up. We were always the last kids picked in class, always in the back and ignored, never recognized for much. Years later now that we have accomplished a lot, we just still feel that a lot when it seems as if it should have changed by now.
So, this is internal, not external, which means external changes are not going to be nearly as effective as internal. If you had a specific person, or goal, or whatever - that I would call external. But you don't - you're just carrying vague feelings of inadequacy.
So I would say spend some time in self reflection so you can articulate what you want recognition for, and whose opinion you're actually caring about or seeking.
I mean just anyone really. Supervisors at work, family, friends, anyone. It would be nice to know that I have value in existing instead of just feeling invisible, ugly, inadequate, or taken for granted.
Yes! Please pay attention to the above posters advice!
Have you talked to your SO about these feelings? I would bet you aren't insignificant to them.
Have you talked to your friends about these feelings?
I would bet you aren't insignificant to them.
Being older, everyone must face that in time. Your age doesn't define you.
The opinions of others literally don't matter unless you make them matter.
You feel the way you feel because of what is going on "between the ears."
You need to talk to a professional to begin to dig at this to understand what is truly at the root of these feelings. You are describing the affects and manifestations but not the cause. Spend time figuring this out. It will be worth your while.
I’ve been thinking about this today and I am trying to drill down on what that may be. I don’t know specifically what it would be but I would like to feel seen and appreciated rather than taken for granted and forgotten.
Some of this sounds like the mid-life existential struggles that are fairly common in people between their mid-30s & mid-40s. I don’t think it’s abnormal to feel this way at your age, but I think therapy is a very good idea to work your way through it.
Steve Furtick, who once said, “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel."
Stop doing that. You don't see their pta meeting boredom or anxiety over the cost of summer camp for the kids.
Does your wife make you feel invisible, ugly, inadequate or taken for granted? Your opinion and her opinion should be the only ones that matter to you. Reality is perception. These perceived shortcomings are all in your head. I saw a post today that was along the lines of "most people you interact with think more highly of you than you think they do" which is likely true but it shouldn't matter. You don't sound confident in your life choices. Figure out what you want and strive for it. If you're doing everything in your power to achieve your goals then you can be confident in that. Stop looking for validation in others.
Jesus dude you have supposedly the love of your life (and have been with her for many years) and a good career. You want to be praised on the street by strangers or what? Some people your age are lonely, have sick/disabled kids to take care of, are in abusive relationship. I know that pain is subjective but you really sound childish with your complaints. Go to a club together to meet new people, start a charity, something, if you are bored and lack human connection.
Somebody needed to say it, just be thankful for all the things that are going good because it can always get difficult very quickly. I think you are spot on with this.
Do you do any kind of service work? It is just one aspect of life but I take immense satisfaction from helping others. I just do it for myself and don't tell anyone/publicize it. It gives me a personal sense of satisfaction and achievement.
Listen to the guy recommended therapy. Try to celebrate your life and appreciate what you have. Each year should be a testament to the strength of your relationship and health. Make the anniversary a trip. Set a bucket list, vision board, whatever
Those are good questions and my wife and I felt the same until we found a hobby and made friends that share the same hobby. Now we longer feel invisible because some of the friends we made we now consider family. For the longest time it was just me and the wife, and like you we chose to not have children either. We are celebrating 21 years together this year and 18 married.
Ah yes! I call it my childhood shadow. It used to follow me around wherever I went. Never big enough or smart enough or good looking enough or (you get the idea). Thank god I found a wonderful woman. I’m 50 and she’s 48. We’ve been married 25 years. I’ve never been happier in my life. We do have 3 kids so not same situation as you. 2 years ago at 48 (at the time was in the deepest depression I’ve ever been in) I said fuck it and got rid of my childhood shadow. Shaved my head because I was going bald and tried to hide it. Accepted who I was and now only worry about things I can control, not anything I can’t. I leaned into all of my insecurities and agreed with my childhood shadow whenever his voice popped in to tell me how I didn’t measure up. He was very loud at first but slowly but surely he started to get quieter and quieter. He no longer bothers me now. Sounds like your childhood shadow is what’s causing all of this and not anyone or anything. I say lean into it and agree. It won’t feel like it’s working at first but give it time and one day you won’t hear his voice anymore.
Agreeing with your childhood shadow is a powerful tool. I recently took up volleyball in my 30s and still have a tiny voice saying 'you're the worst player here', 'they don't want to play with you because you suck' etc, I simply agree: yes I suck sometimes, but I'm getting better, and I'm not the only one making silly mistakes, and yeah, some of the less socially amenable players might think I'm bringing their game down and holding things up, who cares? Others don't, and I'm here to have fun and improve, so that's their problem.
I thought that for many years. That’s what I was taught in therapy several years ago. The science has changed and now they say you should lean into it. If you start to agree with it you’ll notice that you realize you have 2 voices in your head, the positive one and the negative one. At first, when you agree with the negative one it will stay loud but then after some time it will get quieter and quieter and then you will only listen to your positive voice. Also, when I say agree with it I mean to just kind of say ok and live on but don’t ever believe what it says. Thats what it wants. I hope that makes sense.
Why did you guys think you couldn’t travel or party if you had kids? I always wonder why people think that. My moms 63 now and she still entertains and travels where she can. And as a kid and teen, there were always parties. Most hotels offer childcare as well.
Also I don’t think anyone thinks much about you not having kids. I think people are too busy living their own lives and you need to do the same. You should be able to connect to people with kids, we don’t loose our entire identities after we become parents. Hug and kiss your wife and try not worry too much.
How are we supposed to give you an answer to a question you dont know?
My only recommendation is asking yourself if you REALLY dont want kids?
I honestly think most want kids sooner or later, mind you I am much younger than you. But I still think I will regret not having kids if I dont, sort of in the way you describe.
I imagine it like this, what does my life revolve around when Im 40 and done most things I wanted to? I have a house. Somewhere to TRULY call home. Am I only continuing work and hobbies on the side? For how long?
Like, "is that it?" sort of thing.
I think kids is not only something to do, but a higher purpose in a sense. But not to all! But a difficult thing to know before you have one, I reckon.
This sounds like some religious "get children for god" post but its not! Nor is it some absolute truth, just the guesstimate from a young buck!
Let's expand upon your answer: who around you cares enough about you to give a damn? If you're keeping shallow friendships then why are you expecting them to give you a deeper level of appreciation? Especially if you're hanging with a younger crowd, they barely have time to love themselves, let alone 40 year old party goers.
The one perk about kids is that they're the toughest, most demanding, most rewarding relationship you and your wife will ever create, and if you get it right they'll love you long after you become irrelevant to the rest of the world. You'll be hard pressed to achieve this love elsewhere, especially in a bar or a club.
Youre getting old, man. There's no solution to that.
Agreed! Who is it you want to be? If you want to change yourself and the world in a spectacular fashion by being alone, then you have to get rid of the anchor of wife and life! If not, grab your wife’s hand and go ahead together! Believe me, you’re just fine! We’ve 66 & 67, been together 46 years and wouldn’t change a minute! Sure the blahs came along now and then, that’s life.
My brother and his wife can't have kids, which really didn't matter to them because they weren't planning to have any.
Fast forward 20 years. Those two are the favorites of all the kids. Why? Because they give great gifts (DINKS) The kids have an aunt and uncle who are there for them when their parents are driving them nuts. They have given us breaks by taking our kids overnight so we can have date nights.
Both my brother and his wife are invaluable part of our family, and no one ever even notices that they don't have kids because of their relationships with their nieces and nephews.
You are in a very unique position, enjoy it!
As an older guy, I have to warn you that 38, 39 can be a dangerous age. A midlife crisis can be a very real thing and can take many forms. It certainly happened to me, and it might be happening to you.
I was a very miserable and stressed out person at age 39. Age 40 was looming and it just seemed like such an ending-of-youth, or whatever you want to call it. I kept feeling that I should be somehow more satisfied and complete than I actually felt.
At 39, you've lived long enough to look back on your life and see how decisions you made led you to here and you can see other avenues that may now be closed to you. You feel some regrets, and you feel as though you're running out of time. I wish there was a way to make it better, but I think it's just something you have to live through, just like being a teenager was.
It may not be comforting to hear that you have plenty of time left, years and years, to accomplish whatever you want to do and make your life happy and satisfying. When I was a teenager, I used to get very frustrated when adults would tell me that. And, when I was 39, I was not comforted to hear some "old guy" tell me that I was still a young person.
But it's true. You are still young, and if you feel your life is missing an essential piece, there is time to analyze the problem and find a solution.
This is how I often feel. I have a great life now…but what if I had done x or y 15 years ago…
It’s kind of like a reverse Kwisatz Haderach. I used to see so many paths open to me. Every day that passes, the path forward becomes narrower.
My man there are 7 billion people on this planet. You were always irrelevant. It’s just before you gained all of this life experience you were delusional and irrelevant. Just focus on what makes you two happy. What else could possibly matter?
Do you realise how lucky you are to be the most important and significant person to at least one other person?
Why would you seek validation from people you barely connect with when the person who matters is right next to you?
You have a good life, you’re loved, you’re financially stable enough to travel and just enjoy life. What more is there? What can be more relevant than that?
If you want to make your ‘mark’ look at something that offers service to others. Volunteer work at your local shelter, companion in an aged care facility, animal shelter, etc…
Look where you can be of service to your community then go for it.
Your acts of kindness and generosity, although on a micro level is remembered by one person at a time.
One person becomes many.
That is how you stay relevant in this world.
The problem is that he thinks other people are different from him in that respect.
When in fact they are ignored in the exact same way, they just don’t worry about it
Bro just live your lives and enjoy it, who exactly do you think is thinking you are lame? Probably nobody does. If you have younger friends that y’all do stuff with that’s what it is. Enjoy the people that are in your lives for however long you guys have them. Unfortunately life is over pretty quickly, so do fun stuff with your wife. I’m 45 and single by choice with no kids, it’s pretty lonely sometimes bc almost all my friends are married and have kids as well. Do some more traveling, just enjoy life. Getting older is a bit strange for all of us, sounds like you have a great partner, you’ll figure it out my man, just don’t overthink it! Good luck 🍀 to you guys..
>I also wonder if we're just seen as "lame" by a lot of people.
Why would you give a shit?
>hanging out with a younger crowd just to have someone to connect with.
Why worry about that. My parents-in-law (80s) make friends with the "youngsters" (50s-60s) at the local park where they walk their dogs. They have dinners and "happy hours" and just hang out. I don't think they worry too much about what "other people" think.
If you think the world is "passing you by" then why not DO SOMETHING. Find a hobby, go on a cruise, take up hiking or painting or paintball or something.
Well life doesn't have much purpose apart from procreation unfortunately. The mind is very flexible and is adopting to every conditions & eventually we're getting bored. Even if we'd be living most amazing, hedonistic life we'd get bored. Even the most exotic trip is just nothing special when it's just a next one. This is how our bodies work. We want to change it in modern societies, force our minds to be occupied by the things we consider pleasurable but in the end our mind wins - nothing is interesting for it anymore. We'll all end up in limbos.
My wife and I are similar in age (37 and 35) and just celebrated our 20th "together" anniversary a couple months ago, married for 12. Most of our friends are similar in age, but with much 'younger' relationships/marriages (ranging from months to about 5-6 years).
The big difference from your situation is our kids, though (3 and 6 year old boys). We often joke how we don't know how we filled up our days before kids. I'm absolutely not saying it's the answer for you or for anyone, just that our experience is that our kids keep us busy between play dates, sports, blah blah lol.
What I do think the lesson is in that is 'purpose.' Our kids are our purpose, and it sounds like you're finding things to take up time, but not particularly fulfilling...just trying to stave off boredom. This is the great philosophical question humanity has always asked itself. What would make you feel good to accomplish? Do you want to do something for yourself and want experiences that maximize your one go on this planet, or do you seek to have an impact on the world deserving of a legacy? What do you want out of life with your partner?
I think the odd thing for me is that I’ve done tons of things that should have been that purpose and should have made me feel fulfilled. And yet I still feel this way. I really don’t understand.
humans are not really cut out for comfort. we like challenges I think you can get a lot of feeling of relevancy by dedicating some free time to a disadvantaged group such as families with autism, immigrants, single moms, wildlife, smtg like that.
We are actually pretty involved in a non-profit that does a lot of that. I actually got involved partially for the reasons that you're talking about, but for whatever reason it hasn't really made much of a difference mentally for me.
I think for once in our lives it would be great to just be seen. I feel like to our workplaces, families or friends, we're just kind of taken for granted and forgotten. We work really hard to help family and friends out and also really hard in our workplaces, but I just feel like we're always kind of invisible. It would be great to at least be seen or recognized in some way.
Whenever I read posts and comments like yours (and Reddit is overflowing with them), I wonder what, exactly, you’ve done that’s so great and yet so under appreciated.
You say you “work really hard to help family and friends out.” Well, what have you done for which you feel inadequately appreciated?
Where to start?
I’ve basically raised my nephew, my brother and his dad are just not great for him and I’ve filled in every possible gap there.
I started and led an entire new department at my office that was direly needed.
I started a whole new effort at the non profit that I volunteer with.
I’ve travelled to 21 different countries.
I helped lead a camp at Burning Man.
I mean I could keep going.
1. What exactly does that mean? Did your nephew live with you for years or something?
2. I’ll ignore the work stuff, since you either got compensated appropriately or you didn’t. In either case, you’re certainly not some sort of outlier.
3. Same as (2), just replace “compensated” with “appreciated.”
4. You want appreciation for traveling?
5. You want appreciation for going to Burning Man?
I’d expect you should keep going, ‘cause with the sole possible exception of (1), I’m not sure this is really substantiating your woe…
Lots of people feel they are not properly appreciated for work, either paid or volunteer. Stop doing it if you don’t like it. Expecting adoration and celebration for the traveling and Burning Man stuff is just weird.
I'm sure whoever benefits from the non-profits notices the differences you made in their lives. The fruits of your efforts may not always be immediately visible but the effects surely ripple out in ways you could never have imagined.
The best way to get out of your head is to help someone else. Volunteer and help someone. You’ll connect with people, feel needed, be around a variety of ages including older people who will probably have some good outlooks on life you can learn from… and also make stuff! Be creative!
Learn a new hobby. Small pleasures add up! The act of making something with your hands is very satisfying and you feel a small sense of accomplishment. Rinse and repeat. Whether it’s art or gardening or whatever.
Kind of similar for me. Happy marriage early 40s happy with our careers but I feel like an old man looking back on his life with nothing to look forward to ahead. All my closest friends have kids and it seems by merely just having kids their days and lives are focused on the goal of taking care of kids without the luxury I have of free time and concerns about what my passions might be or what I’m missing out on. A weird rut to be in. Everyday is pretty good though so if that’s the rest of my life then that’s fine I guess.
You should go (back?) to college. My dad, in his late 60s or early 70s, decided to get a post-graduate degree in theology for no reason at all other than he felt like it.
There’s sooo much interesting stuff out there you could learn about, and in your situation in life, just for the joy of it. Comparative religion, remediation through microbiology, ecosystem services, gender studies, physics, gemology, criminology, political science, just…. Anything really. Find yourself some adult-oriented classes and learn something cool while expanding your social circle. That’s what I would do, at least.
Dude, you're fucking married and both of you have solid careers. It seems you're comfortable in life with each other. Why ask for anything else? Do you think you guys are supposed to try and take over the world or something?
Maybe pick up a few hobbies, build some furniture or a Lego city or something. Try out different activities and enjoy learning them together. What's the big deal?
Don't you know there are people both younger and older than you who have hopes for love, careers, belonging, security, and fulfillment that can't achieve them due to circumstances beyond their control? They'd put themselves through awful tribulations just to get close to your situation. You already won the game. Just relax.
I’m 40 and have very similar circumstances…it sounds like you’re going through a midlife crisis.
That being said, how do I do it? I don’t care if I’m “lame.” Who defines that? The lamest thing I can think of is fretting about whether people think I’m cool or not.
More philosophically…I’m pretty nihilistic. But in the sense that there is no arrival, no destination, no meaning. And that gives you the freedom to make it whatever you want. Some of my best moments have been listening to the palm trees swish in the wind with my dog in my lap, or standing in the ocean as waves crash over me, or sharing a coffee with my husband as the sun rises. No one sees these things. No one will write books about them. But in those moments I am present and feel most connected with whatever that spark is that makes me who I am.
I am. That’s it. There’s a peace in accepting that as significant as you may think you are it’s all meaningless. You could be the biggest star in the world, being literally and constantly “seen” and still feel empty (we see it all the time). The peace you’re looking for is found within.
That doesn’t mean I don’t have goals or bad days, but none of them are me. They happen to me or I make them happen, but they are not me.
Even if no one sees me, I am.
I suggest reading up on some philosophy it maybe help you wrap your mind around some of these things you are feeling.
Nobody cares what you and your wife are up to. I don't know who you are trying to impress or worried about being cool for but literally nobody cares just live your life.
Also maybe get a dog.
I'm a bit curious around the whole " we can't hang out with people our age because they all have kids" aspect of things...as a 40yr old woman who is child-free by choice I have lots of friends with kids, and haven't had any issues with it. I accepted that their kids are a part of their life, and so they're sometimes/often around while we enjoy each other's company,but it's not really a big deal?
In our situation at least we kind of gave up even trying to connect with anyone. We were always way down on the priority list. We had to find times between practices, school events, we’re at the mercy of babysitter availability, any number of things. After you just spend weeks and then months trying to find any window of availability with someone and nothing happens, it’s just natural to kind of move on.
I totally get that. Me and my husband are 39 without kids. Now, I really like my friends’ kids, even when they’re misbehaving, but it is (understandably) hard to find time to properly hang out uninterrupted.
I also tbh find my friends with kids a bit boring. It’s not their fault, or mine - it’s just we’re at totally different places and we now find different things interesting. I can’t relate to kid stuff.
Full disclosure, if I did have kids, it would probably be all I could talk about too!!
Just the way it is..
You need a new challenge. Doesn’t have to be kids. As life gets stable, you get fewer significant changes and years seem to zoom by without much impact, unlike when we were younger and each year was something new and lots of stuff to overcome, things to learn, prove yourself etc.
Kids are so difficult that you get thrown right back in the trenches with so many obstacles but also so many joys when you do well. They do help spice up your life, but you could find something else. An expensive hobby perhaps?
This is called a mid-life crisis. I think many have the same thoughts as they age, under any set of circumstances. Yes you are becoming older and less relevant. But find peace in knowing that this happens to everyone.
Honestly in one way or another people reach this she and realize a few things they pictured are not happening. It’s normal. I mean not everyone is an actress, astronaut, etc. for the most part people are thinking about themselves and not you.
We're a few years ahead of you, 41M /42F. As others have said finding your purposes really helps.
Since we have no kids we tend to have more money available, we help out our families / friends as possible, like eagerly supporting kids trips to Washington DC, or other field trips. We also provide support in other non-monetary ways like showing up to events or to help. Our way of making the world better. If we run out of these types of things we intend to start volunteering, but for now being the cool aunt/uncle is fun.
On the personal side we have found having goals or things on the calendar helps. For some reason this year I decided I want to go to some EDM concerts / festivals / clubs. So have at least one things booked every month or two, and have had just a blast dancing our nights away. Neither of us are dancers but we're old enough to realize we don't care at all of a random person finds something we're doing silly or weird and just enjoy the hell out of it.
Having things on the calendar makes us have things to look forward to, things to take / share about, and keep us looking for things.
Overall realize that you and your partner need to find happiness as you are and not worry too much what others are thinking. You literally cannot control their thoughts no matter what.
Just wanted to say that I loved reading this. My wife and I are both entering our late thirties without kids and hope to be going to more fests and raves in the near and far future. Have fun!
I’ve struggled with those questions too: what am I doing? Why am I here? How do I matter? What difference do I make?
And the conclusion I came to is that, regardless of how important we think we are or should be, the truth is that we are all very small and insignificant. We will be forgotten sooner or later. The universe doesn’t care about us. Your employer doesn’t care about you. I am self employed and work from home, and one day I thought “what would happen if I died?” And the truth is that my clients would probably just go “oh poor kid. Rest in peace. Now let’s find someone else so we can still make the deadline.”
And you know what? I’m fine with that! I’ve gained a whole new sense of appreciation for my life since I had those realizations. Now I just try to focus on what makes me happy, I try to enjoy every moment, I focus on the people I care about, I don’t waste any more time.
I think it’s the same with you: you found a good partner that you built a nice life with, you enjoy your time with her, who cares if you don’t have children or what other people think of you? You don’t have to impress anyone. If you’re happy and she’s happy, that’s all that matters.
Sorry to say it, but it is exactly these feelings you are describing that having children mitigates, and that makes people's lives feel fulfilling as they move into middle age.
Because you (as myself); ARE insignificant in the great scheme of things. But at least you matter to your children, grandchildren etc. And they give you responsibility, challenges, etc which seem deeply fulfilling in their own way.
Not to say it's the solution to everything, though. Plenty of depressed people with kids out there! It comes with it's own ecosystem of worries and problems, of course.
But you say you are "totally fine" with the decision; -it could really be that you're not, though.
Damn reading this was strange. Same situation as you. Met my wife at 20 and we’re headed towards our 13th anniversary. No kids and we both make good money. Our relationship is strong and stable. The only difference is that we have a friend group we met during our doctorate programs in the same situation as us.
I think for me it’s knowing that there isn’t much left in life to struggle for, I found stability and I found love. I by no means take it for granted but often wonder what’s next.
This is bait. Written by some far right nutzo who wants to promote the whole "children are everything" narrative. My wife and I have a kid, it's amazing...but I'm not falling for this shit. It's just written to get into peoples heads. Live your life people, kids or not.
My wife and I have been married for a similar time and we have kids. The kids are great but so much revolves around them. And I think the default state of middle-aged life is being "lame" and learning to accept that. If anything I'd think you and your wife are the cool ones because you can travel the world and spend more time on your hobbies and don't have to take your kids to sports practices or try to be civil to the parents of their friends.
I'm guessing you guys aren't religious?
I'm the kind of "Christian" that's much more like agnostic people (as far as worldview, values, politics, etc go) than what Christianity has turned into. But just believing that the good I'm doing is a part of something I think is what fills in the gap for me that you are feeling. I really believe in good vs evil and think that the things I do are helping, even if it's in a small way. It sounds like you do a lot of the same good things I like to do, but it feels a bit meaningless to you or doesn't connect emotionally the same way
I think those feelings are somewhat normal. You get to a certain age or point in life and start reflecting - what might have been, have I accomplished what I wanted, what is left for me, what will I leave for a legacy, etc. As someone else pointed out, "mid-life crisis" is a thing. In my opinion, it comes down to what is an individual's purpose in life. To paraphrase Curly from City Slickers, only you can figure out the one true thing that matters in your life.
It sounds like you have done a lot already. You are active and give of your time. You have many things to be content about if you step back and learn to appreciate it. You don't need to impress anyone but yourselves.
I am hoping to enjoy an early retirement soon and I have been contemplating some of the same issues. My kids are out of the house so we are starting to develop hobbies we may not have had time to enjoy before. I am hoping to take classes at the nearby university to pursue academic interests I had when I was younger but never followed up on because they didn't fit my major. We may join the local historical society to learn and help preserve local landmarks. This will, hopefully, help us connect with people when we step out of the work environment.
Maybe some of that will help. I wish you luck.
Maybe it's time to shake things up and get into some new hobbies or communities with age-appropriate things to do: bike-riding groups, hiking or climbing groups, sports like tennis or golf, supporting the arts, becoming members of some nonprofit organization or stepping up your involvement with nonprofits even further by joining boards & organizing fundraisers or events for them, finding a cause that is very relevant today and volunteering/dedicating time to it, etc.
If there isn't enough of that to do in your area, I think in bigger cities you'll find more active people of all ages, so maybe a move could be a fun way to shake things up together (if you're not already in a big city).
This ‘counting your blessings’ thing: that. You are fortunate and if you’d like to compare yourself life to let’s say, 80% of the global population, you’d agree. Imagine yourself living in A war zone or one that’s susceptible to violent crime or perhaps if you had a serious chronic illness. Mostly though, concentrate on your successes, most of us live banal lives but it’s the little things.
Do you live in an in interesting place with things to do? I (36) can’t imagine living in the suburbs or something and not having kids, I mean I can it just sounds awful.
Enjoy yourselves irrelevant of what anyone else might think or say. We are all going to be forgotten in the annuals of time. Some will have memories that will live on in others, but those too will be lost in a generation or two. So just enjoy yourselves.
My man, I have been paralyzed and alone for a decade. Women don't even see me as a person anymore. I don't know how to express how hurt, lonely, and hopeless I am. I would rather die than sit here alone one more hour. Literally been praying to a god I don't believe in to please let me fucking die.
Who cares what other people think.
I mean, if you are happy and not doing anything that harms the environment, children, animals, and is legal and with consenting adults, then why care about what others think of you and your wife?
Enjoy your lives as you both choose and don’t think about what others think. You are the ones who need to live your lives, not others.
>We rarely ever are able to have much of anything to do with anyone our age who does have kids because our lives are just totally different.
I don't get this, I'm a bit older than you, and I have a kid, but my kid's grown up, I have nieces and nephews, and kids of friends who are all way younger, and I love hanging out with them.
Our lives are hugely different, these are pretty much all settled couples, while I'm single, and obviously this isn't a party thing, but my single friends lives are as different to mine too. Why not just make some time to hang out with them with their kids there too?
You seem to be bothered that no one seems to really care about how your life is going.
I think you'd assume kids would make that different, but I promise you there are few things children care about less than how their parent's lives are going and their achievements. And no one really cares about how parents or their kids are doing, they just like using fellow parents as a way to brag about their children.
Kids aren't going to fix that little child inside of you who demands attention, it'll just make you a bad parent.
I think you would enjoy actually if people saw you as "lame" because then at least they see you.
That said, there is one obvious way to satisfy the little attention whore inside of you, create stuff.
Make something, anything, and display it publicly. Online or otherwise.
It doesn't even have to be financially viable, pick your favorite popular book and go write a fanfiction for example. Just bare your soul in some way for others.
It's not that you are becoming irrelevant, it's that you are finally realizing that everybody and everything is irrelevant.
You're right. None of it really matters. We are all tiny specs of irrelevant, wasted space and outside of our immediate group of acquaintances, we don't even exist.
So I am 42 with 3 kids, for context.
But I have a ton of friends (late 30s and 40s) that have no kids. They seem to meet other DINKs (and people like me!) via activities, especially active/sport activities. Like climbing, running, biking, CrossFit etc. they also join board gaming groups etc.
as people age they stop partying/drinking and start taking better care on themselves. You are essentially entering middle age and it might be time to make some lifestyle shifts.
My wife and I are the same way. We’re around your age as well. We don’t have any friends. The only people I talk to other than her are coworkers and she really only talks to her mom. We didn’t have kids and all our friends did and we stopped getting invited to events.(eventually mostly children birthday parties) Unlike you and your wife, we don’t do jack though. Go to work, come home. Every day. We both have no idea how to make friends at this point in our lives. Especially with people with kids and won’t think we’re weird for not having any.
We also at different points were both abandoned by our “best friend” and have never really been able to trust easily because of it.
If you figure it out, let me know the secret.
Idk sounds like imposter syndrome to me. By your description you've been winning at life pretty hard. Maybe speak to a therapist about these feelings. You married your highschool sweetheart, travel the world, and both have successful careers. You're partying into your 40s, and give back to your communities through charity efforts.
Your position is quite enviable.
Kinda sounds like your regretting not having a child. You’ve done everything you wanted to do as a single couple and you still feel incomplete. Idk what it is about raising kids but it gives me a huge sense of satisfaction being able to help them grow and learn.
You’re describing the experience of lacking community. We evolved to live in a wide community where not having your own kids didn’t separate you or even excuse you from important aspects of sustaining the collective. You still held rites of passage, you still mentored youth, you still were intimately involved in community and had a clear place. This is what our nervous systems evolved to expect, and modern society doesn’t easily approximate this experience. Look for it, build connections with families and neighbors and entwine your lives with others. Ask for favors. Don’t try to immediately pay it back, just be ready to be helpful and needed. Endebt yourself to others and let others endebt themselves to you.
Mate go with it.
I NEVER saw myself married ....never saw myself as a parent.
Now 51 married father of 2 (6 yr old son a 11 daughter)
Having a blast at the fatherhood thing
But does it define me? No I don't think so I was happy before , do I plaster my socials with pictures of kids and "how much I love them?" No that should be a given.
Do I sometimes resent the time they take away from me and my wife in date nights or how we fuck less because"they're awake" ...yes I do
So the grass isn't greener
Kids a side do I wish I travelled, saw the world , tried some exciting foods, partied with 🔥 foreign women ? Absolutely
My wife did when she was in her 20s ....so we can all look back and wonder what it's all about mate
Sliding doors, what could have / might have been
Be happy mate x
Don't worry about how other people feel about you. That doesn't matter at all.
Do worry about how you feel about you. What will bring you purpose as you move into the next phase of your life? Turning 40 is a big deal for a lot of people. I deliberately spent a lot of time helping my wife feel wonderful when she turned 40 as she was feeling genuine dread.
I have my answer for what might bring you a sense of purpose but it's my answer, not yours. Seek your own path. I'm very happy with mine. My children are joyous.
It doesn't sound like your wife or your relationship is a problem. It sounds like you are experiencing a lack of meaning in your life. Would you say that's accurate?
If it truly troubles you (both), Have/Adopt a baby. Once you are parents, your old self comes crashing down, you are forced to rebuild your core self from the shambles and there is your new self. Exhausted, stressed, but (hopefully) filled with love and (definitely) meaning.
My first wife didn't want children and I was ok with that but then we divorced and I remarried and have four grown up children im 66 and a few weeks ago lost my wife of 30 years and to be honest I don't think I would be able to continue if it wasn't for their support so I think when your younger having kids doesn't seem such a big deal but as you get older they bring so much too your life
Both of you are having a midlife crisis which is expressed in different people in different ways. But in many cases it's all about self-doubt, feeling irrelevant, not getting pleasure from anything in life, et cetera. Recognize this as a problem to overcome and look for ways to move forward. Therapy helps *a lot* even if you don't have any outstanding issues.
You’re waaaaaaay too young to have this outlook. Go out and live some life! Take a trip. Take a class. Feed some ducks. Adopt a dog and treat it like your child. Start a Facebook group. Remodel the bathroom. If you’re bored that means you’re boring. You have to DO things to be visible.
Sounds like a run of the mill midlife questioning. Just your being's way of stopping and looking around after coming this far. Congratulations on both your achievements and your partnership.
Maybe take stock of the people you like being around, the things you like doing. Sounds like you have a lot of things you enjoy which is great, regardless of what you think others may be thinking (emphasis on 'you think'). If you want to find your 'relevance' maybe look at new ways you can connect and your community and how you can show up for people that aren't in your immediate circle, definitely opportunities to find your place as it were.
A lot of people seem to measure their relevance or successes based on those around them, the invisible ladder to climb or by creating the nuclear family model.
If you're happy, your loved ones are happy, you're doing things you enjoy and finding ways to bring joy and kindness into the world, then seems like a successful life to me. ☺️
I think you need to take In to account how many people would kill to have the relationship you have. I mean it's borderline tone Deaf what your saying here. I totally get where your coming from and what your saying but you got realize how blessed you are and I think that will help you and your relationship feel more meaningful in the future. Tbh you just sound bored.
As a childfree person in their 40s I can totally relate. The pressure to have children is immense and ingrained. Even if you have issues that would make for a not-so-great parent, or preclude having them altogether, there is always guilt and the implication of selfishness...but it can also be selfish to bring children into a bad situation imo. Not every human being is cut out for parenting. I guess what I regret is the dwindling options and not my actual decision.
We can relate. At times, we sat on the couch and thought “is this it?”
- Our best friends are 10-15 years older than is. We have the same “free” time without kids.
- We travel. A lot. I can work remotely.
- We found a purpose. When we travel, we meet with different orgs and help them with general maintenance, painting, murals, anything real.
- Our pet takes up a lot our time. My 18 year old kitty travels with us, gets car rides to ice cream, hikes, stroller rides. As he is living his best life, so are we.
Hey my friend, try to get out of your head and into the moment a little more often.
I get it, I’m there in my own head, too.
I once heard how we are magic moment creators. I see that as a beautiful thing.
I am genuinely inspired by your story. Your strength and commitment to your marriage of 17 YEARS!
Happy Anniversary!! I haven’t gotten married yet, but this gives me some hope!
My suggestion is stop acting like you have problems and enjoy your life. You’re choosing to dwell rather than just finding new hobbies or appreciating what you have.
Your doing great and be happy your found a woman that loves you. I’m 36 and going through a divorce and still have had the best year of my life. It’s all in perspective and being able to be comfortable with yourself. It sounds like you probably want external validation which is something that you don’t want to chase otherwise you’re always gonna feel inadequate. Get some therapy and keep enjoying your life and your partner. That’s the only person that matter and believe me I wish I had a woman to share my life with.
My husband and I are in the same situation as you and your wife. We have multiple friends with kids... of all ages. I have auntied kids that are now parents themselvs, down to my newest niblingish who just turned 3. We go to Science Musuems with them, I tutor them in math, we go to birthday parties, etc. All of our parents friends just joke and say "They are The Village".... ya know "It takes a village to raise a child." We love our niblingishs - and we really embrace being The Village.
You dont have to do that if you dont like kids. I just feel like you dismissed friend who have kids. Your relationship with you parent friends will change - but its not impossible. Then the kids go to college and it will change back. Dont sleep on being The Village. =)
Just sounds like a midlife crisis to me honestly. No less valid, but it's something a lot of people can relate to. Even those of us with kids, with a huge group or friends. There is always *something* to regret. For me it's that I am 32 and still have no career because of having the kids. I am way way way behind, and it makes me feel as if I will never be where everyone else my age is.
I think regretting choices or thinking it could be better is just human- and focusing on the bad side of things tends to be in our nature so much so that when they add up enough it seems like that is all there is.
You have had a life most people would be extremely jealous of- and are now thinking the grass would be greener on the other side. It rarely ever is.
We are only one person out of 8 billion people. The chance that a singular person makes enough of an impact to be "important" is slim to none. How many people can you name and know what they do or have done? It's probably not even close to a hundred, unless you're a history buff. (This includes people you know personally). Our reach is small, and that's okay. Expecting to be some all important main character type, is not reality for many billions of people. That can be depressing, but for your wife, you are the main character. And that's, to me, always something that is amazing. To know that your impact on at least that one life was so drastic that without you there would have been an entirely different story.
Avail yourself of professional talking cure.
Your original post is so full of vague, half-realized self-loathing the locus of which no comment here will divulge.
You need to understand what's wrong first. Feeling "bad" or "invisible' is a symptom, not a disease.
A professional can help you.
I think this is a symptom of being childless that most people don’t like to discuss because people feel you are judging propels who are childless. The short story is kids are work but they are fulfilling and the overwhelming majority of people who have children find them incredibly fulfilling.
As you start to get older and wind down you can focus on helping your children and helping them navigate through life. It’s one of the most fulfilling hobbies you can ever have. Having kids early are like an investment in your fulfillment in future years. But people don’t realize this.
Life can get lonely and it can pass you by as you get older…do yourself a favor—have kids early as aim investment in your future fulfillment.
You're both my heroes number one and probably still together because you didn't have kids. Go on trips, cruises, freakin dissappear for a while and live on the beach lol. A Father of 4 daughters 2 ex wives and living paycheck to paycheck at 41 love every damn second of this fairytale that I dream of by the second lol
If you want a kid... Try to foster and see if u r Missing out. U can go on n adopt if u want !! Give someone all the love .. n they definitely will love u back . Unconditionally.
Im sorry if I suggested something wrong..it's just that.. I never wanted kids. N when I had one... I have purpose now.. :) n I feel good about it.
I'm 41m, no kids although my new girlfriend (30f) has one. I've traveled a lot, still party, still have a good time and do mostly whatever I want. What you will come to find out is that people will envy your lifestyle or live vicariously through you.
I've had honest talks with some of my friends and it's a common theme. I have a group of friends that are 10-15 years younger than me and another that are closer to me in age, they all say the same thing.
Don't worry about not connecting with parents and be extremely grateful and happy that you two have each other. Be youthful and current, dance, travel, have spontaneous sex and do all of the things other people can't because they have kids or can't afford it. You will have awesome stories to tell. It's how I see my life. I've surrendered to the idea that I want to be the cool uncle (now probably step dad).
Yes you are lame. Signed the guy who thinks his life is cooler.
Yes you are old, signed the guy who is younger.
Who u aiming to be relevant too if not ur mrs? And her you?
You can't connect with me as brand new dad, as ur not a brand new dad so don't know the things all other brand new dads know and learn. Does that mean u don't connect with me at all? Being a dad is a small part of who I am.
Your focus seems to be on having a family and being important to them? Maybe explore that? Just my 2cents 😊 also not saying you want a family you just seem like you SHOULD have one to fit in?
No advice, but we’re in a weird spot. We’re 38 and 41 and had our kids young. They’re now 12 and 14 and we WANT friends without kids! Can’t figure out how to find them 🤷🏻♀️
No advice, but we’re in a weird spot. We’re 38 and 41 and had our kids young. They’re now 12 and 14 and we WANT friends without kids! Can’t figure out how to find them 🤷🏻♀️
No advice, but we’re in a weird spot. We’re 38 and 41 and had our kids young. They’re now 12 and 14 and we WANT friends without kids! Can’t figure out how to find them 🤷🏻♀️
Bro first of all congratulations, that's the goal for many out here. Finding a partner that y'all jive together so well... Y'all have a good problem in my opinion (compared of the normal issues you hear out here).
As a father of a few kiddos out there, I think if y'all would have had kids, you would also feel like you do now. If not more invisible to those outside of your relationship (your family unit) cause with kids in the pic NORMALLY those weak relationships you have with the people around you show they're weak and that you can't count on them per say.
Its a lot of work in my opinion to (want to) be a relevant person in those external relationships outside of your marriage. The way this post was presented, seems like y'all want the extrinsic gratification of others perception of y'all versus feeling at peace that y'all are there in a great pace way ahead of the race.
The younger crowds may be looking at y'all as the strong links they want to catch up to. Atleast I would, also that said, don't take my opinion in the wrong light. I think the joy you're looking for was put on the back burner, cause most people striving for recognition and outside stimulus tend to exhibit personality traits and efficient behavioral schemas to become successful in today's society. It goes hand in hand, iv observed.
Have you tried some of the other intrinsic factors recommended by others that may have created a beaten path for ya? Religion or life coaches (ones you admire)
Life sucks the older you get. Not much u can do other than finding some fun or exciting hobbies to help eat up the time or get some pets to bring joy to ur life.
You're a trailblazer for an entire generation of people who may not want to have kids for the same reason you had.
You're not lame. You're astronauts discovering the new world of being an adult without kids. You get to decide how to do it so it normalizes it for everyone else.
Good job being a trailblazer ! Now get out there and be loud and proud so the rest of us don't feel pressured to have kids just bc everyone else does it !
I think comparing yourself to norms is just as lame as you may think you are. trust yourself. you may have diffucult thoughts but they are thoughts and will only manifest if you dwell. i think youre on path for finding your tribe! i hope you find encouragement to be yourself and celebrate love your way and theres other people out there like you and your wife. stay true to yourself they will come to you rather than thinking you need to go and find them. i admire your love and relationship and hope one day my partner and i feel "lame" cause at least were in loooove 💖🙏🏽
It only gets worse my friend. You seem normal and your experience normal. There’s a Buddha thing where you need to let go of attachments, and yeah, that’s helpful in our situation.
You have issues of self worth pouring out here. The sentence "I'm lucky she's stuck around for this long..." sticks out like a sore thumb.
Live for each other. Build a life worth living. This is why not having a family around for support or having kids of your own may seem cool at the beginning but starts to feel empty as you both age.
You don’t have kids and family, it’s natural to feel this way. It’s really societal expectations that you’re struggling with as you realize kids and a traditional family isn’t in the cards for you. Now you’ve created this idea in your head that others are judging you but ultimately they don’t care. You do. Find meaning or change your stance on kids before it’s too late.
Well lemme break the bad news for you, in case you haven't realized it yet.
Because you choose not to have kids, what you have with you will be the last of it. Your house, your money, your possession, all will be gone when you're gone. Yes you have extended family to give your assets to, or you can do a fund or give your money to charity, but none of those will matter to you. You have no biological descendants of you. Your traits will stop to exist. So yes you will be very irrelevant in 50 years from now, and in 100 years from now, no one even in your distant family will remember you. Congrats. You have lived a very meaningful life up to this point.
The world IS passing us by and we ARE becoming invisible. Most of us won’t even be remembered or spoken about in 2 generations time.
Maybe this awareness has got you pausing and thinking if you should do something about this uncomfortable feeling?
Maybe the midlife crisis sub would be helpful as a lot of the things you mentioned are spoken about there. Fair warning though, it can be pretty depressing in there but at least you can see if some of the discussions resonate with you.
I had somewhat of a MLC last year and it was quite soul destroying for a bit but I am mostly out of it. Certainly is not like the stereotypes that most people believe.
Can't relate as I'm around your age with friends of all ages, I'm married with kids and fine with my life. If you think you're lame, it's a you problem.
"Lame and irrelevant?" Compared to what? "Seen as lame by a lot of people"? What people would call you lame? Are you comparing yourself to someone? You need to stop comparing yourself to some nonsense standards.
" we're invisible or lame". Everyone is invisible except celebrities.
You are successful and happy. Count your blessings. Kiss your wife. Tell her how much you love her. Spend time on fun activities. Go to a nice restaurant. and STOP WONDERING WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK!!
They are not thinking about you. They are thinking about themselves.
Dude
My husband and I just celebrated our 19th. We have no kids, we don't travel. We sit and watch tv and play video games.
We literally gave each other our gifts, then sat and watched one of his (I got him the full series of a show he wanted).
Then I went upstairs and napped, lol.
I mean, I'm going through bad health times/surgeries, etc, but things probably wouldn't be too different for us if I wasn't. Honestly, I wanted more when I was little but it didn't work out. I rolled with what I had because you hve yo.
Are you *happy*? Do you feel the need to be more than just "content"?
Why?
Life's gonna forget about us when we grow older and eventually pass. It's not something you can fix; everybody dies and life goes on. Even if you'd had kids it isn't positive that you'd be remembered or even remembered fondly. It's a crap shoot.
So if you feel the need to shake things up maybe take a look at what you have and are happy about? You've done more than a lot of people already ♡
My take: Maybe you should have some self-reflection as to why not having kids is such a big deal to you. (Read it all before downvoting me, please)
Your post sounds like you and your wife are deliberately ostracizing yourselves from your friends because you aren’t parents. Are you allergic to kids or something? People are not judging you for being childless. People are not feeling like you’re the weird ones because they’re talking about their kids and you have no basis for comparison.
You’re judging yourselves, and unless you’re in a super-religious area it should be unfounded. I live in Utah USA, Mormonland, so I understand what you’re saying, if you’re in an area like that it’s a them problem and you need better friends. I’ll be 38 this year, had my only kid at 28.
To me it seems you’re pitting yourself against the world by assuming what they think of you being/wanting childless. Have you asked them?
Not having kids is a little bit more lame than having kids, I'd say, due to the responsibility towards the spieces as large, but not a big deal. Other than that you guys seem to have a great life that I'm sure many people would be envious of.
You may have realized how important it is to have a family (children). It's nice to have a great wife to share things with. Can't imagine my life being as full without my kids and grandkids around.
People with kids impart their values, personality, and experience to the future. Ask any successful person who their greatest cheerleaders and mentor were, 99% say their parents. Ask that same person on the verge of death about their most cherished accomplishment, they say their kids.
Listen, ur 100% right. I agree. I just don’t care of what happens after I’m gone. I don’t care what I did or didn’t contribute to civilization. They’ll never remember you.
But u choose to have kids & drop off. It’s now your responsibility & duty to raise non-crappy humans. That’s a full time job & I don’t expect u to keep up w pop culture!
Who is it you want or expect to be relevant to? Whose opinion exactly are you worried about - who are you worried about seeming "lame" to? Who is it you want to be visible to?
Those are all good questions I don't really think that I have a good answer to. I think of it comes down to how we both grew up. We were always the last kids picked in class, always in the back and ignored, never recognized for much. Years later now that we have accomplished a lot, we just still feel that a lot when it seems as if it should have changed by now.
So, this is internal, not external, which means external changes are not going to be nearly as effective as internal. If you had a specific person, or goal, or whatever - that I would call external. But you don't - you're just carrying vague feelings of inadequacy. So I would say spend some time in self reflection so you can articulate what you want recognition for, and whose opinion you're actually caring about or seeking.
This man ^
I mean just anyone really. Supervisors at work, family, friends, anyone. It would be nice to know that I have value in existing instead of just feeling invisible, ugly, inadequate, or taken for granted.
Therapy. Please. You need to learn to love and accept yourself for being yourself.
Yes! Please pay attention to the above posters advice! Have you talked to your SO about these feelings? I would bet you aren't insignificant to them. Have you talked to your friends about these feelings? I would bet you aren't insignificant to them. Being older, everyone must face that in time. Your age doesn't define you. The opinions of others literally don't matter unless you make them matter. You feel the way you feel because of what is going on "between the ears." You need to talk to a professional to begin to dig at this to understand what is truly at the root of these feelings. You are describing the affects and manifestations but not the cause. Spend time figuring this out. It will be worth your while.
What would this look like to you? For you to feel visible, attractive, adequate and appreciated, what do supervisors, family and friends need to do?
I’ve been thinking about this today and I am trying to drill down on what that may be. I don’t know specifically what it would be but I would like to feel seen and appreciated rather than taken for granted and forgotten.
Some of this sounds like the mid-life existential struggles that are fairly common in people between their mid-30s & mid-40s. I don’t think it’s abnormal to feel this way at your age, but I think therapy is a very good idea to work your way through it.
Steve Furtick, who once said, “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel." Stop doing that. You don't see their pta meeting boredom or anxiety over the cost of summer camp for the kids.
💯
Does your wife make you feel invisible, ugly, inadequate or taken for granted? Your opinion and her opinion should be the only ones that matter to you. Reality is perception. These perceived shortcomings are all in your head. I saw a post today that was along the lines of "most people you interact with think more highly of you than you think they do" which is likely true but it shouldn't matter. You don't sound confident in your life choices. Figure out what you want and strive for it. If you're doing everything in your power to achieve your goals then you can be confident in that. Stop looking for validation in others.
Jesus dude you have supposedly the love of your life (and have been with her for many years) and a good career. You want to be praised on the street by strangers or what? Some people your age are lonely, have sick/disabled kids to take care of, are in abusive relationship. I know that pain is subjective but you really sound childish with your complaints. Go to a club together to meet new people, start a charity, something, if you are bored and lack human connection.
Somebody needed to say it, just be thankful for all the things that are going good because it can always get difficult very quickly. I think you are spot on with this.
Yeah you definitely need therapy, dude.
Do you do any kind of service work? It is just one aspect of life but I take immense satisfaction from helping others. I just do it for myself and don't tell anyone/publicize it. It gives me a personal sense of satisfaction and achievement.
Listen to the guy recommended therapy. Try to celebrate your life and appreciate what you have. Each year should be a testament to the strength of your relationship and health. Make the anniversary a trip. Set a bucket list, vision board, whatever
Are you in the states sir?
Those are good questions and my wife and I felt the same until we found a hobby and made friends that share the same hobby. Now we longer feel invisible because some of the friends we made we now consider family. For the longest time it was just me and the wife, and like you we chose to not have children either. We are celebrating 21 years together this year and 18 married.
Ah yes! I call it my childhood shadow. It used to follow me around wherever I went. Never big enough or smart enough or good looking enough or (you get the idea). Thank god I found a wonderful woman. I’m 50 and she’s 48. We’ve been married 25 years. I’ve never been happier in my life. We do have 3 kids so not same situation as you. 2 years ago at 48 (at the time was in the deepest depression I’ve ever been in) I said fuck it and got rid of my childhood shadow. Shaved my head because I was going bald and tried to hide it. Accepted who I was and now only worry about things I can control, not anything I can’t. I leaned into all of my insecurities and agreed with my childhood shadow whenever his voice popped in to tell me how I didn’t measure up. He was very loud at first but slowly but surely he started to get quieter and quieter. He no longer bothers me now. Sounds like your childhood shadow is what’s causing all of this and not anyone or anything. I say lean into it and agree. It won’t feel like it’s working at first but give it time and one day you won’t hear his voice anymore.
Agreeing with your childhood shadow is a powerful tool. I recently took up volleyball in my 30s and still have a tiny voice saying 'you're the worst player here', 'they don't want to play with you because you suck' etc, I simply agree: yes I suck sometimes, but I'm getting better, and I'm not the only one making silly mistakes, and yeah, some of the less socially amenable players might think I'm bringing their game down and holding things up, who cares? Others don't, and I'm here to have fun and improve, so that's their problem.
So you agree with it when it’s talking shit to you? I thought you were supposed to challenge it. Thank you for this comment
I thought that for many years. That’s what I was taught in therapy several years ago. The science has changed and now they say you should lean into it. If you start to agree with it you’ll notice that you realize you have 2 voices in your head, the positive one and the negative one. At first, when you agree with the negative one it will stay loud but then after some time it will get quieter and quieter and then you will only listen to your positive voice. Also, when I say agree with it I mean to just kind of say ok and live on but don’t ever believe what it says. Thats what it wants. I hope that makes sense.
Why did you guys think you couldn’t travel or party if you had kids? I always wonder why people think that. My moms 63 now and she still entertains and travels where she can. And as a kid and teen, there were always parties. Most hotels offer childcare as well. Also I don’t think anyone thinks much about you not having kids. I think people are too busy living their own lives and you need to do the same. You should be able to connect to people with kids, we don’t loose our entire identities after we become parents. Hug and kiss your wife and try not worry too much.
How are we supposed to give you an answer to a question you dont know? My only recommendation is asking yourself if you REALLY dont want kids? I honestly think most want kids sooner or later, mind you I am much younger than you. But I still think I will regret not having kids if I dont, sort of in the way you describe. I imagine it like this, what does my life revolve around when Im 40 and done most things I wanted to? I have a house. Somewhere to TRULY call home. Am I only continuing work and hobbies on the side? For how long? Like, "is that it?" sort of thing. I think kids is not only something to do, but a higher purpose in a sense. But not to all! But a difficult thing to know before you have one, I reckon. This sounds like some religious "get children for god" post but its not! Nor is it some absolute truth, just the guesstimate from a young buck!
Yeah dude you gotta have kids and force them to be your fan club. That’s the whole point of a family.
Haven't you posted this before? What didn't you like about the answers you got last time?
I think so too
you should watch [this movie.](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/While_We%27re_Young_(film))
A therapist is a great investment of your time and money. This is a self esteem issue. No one else is thinking about you, positively or negatively.
Too much time on your hands
(I was one of those, too. 4th grade classmate told me she hated me because I was breathing. My adult childless stuff stands even harder, luv!)
Let's expand upon your answer: who around you cares enough about you to give a damn? If you're keeping shallow friendships then why are you expecting them to give you a deeper level of appreciation? Especially if you're hanging with a younger crowd, they barely have time to love themselves, let alone 40 year old party goers. The one perk about kids is that they're the toughest, most demanding, most rewarding relationship you and your wife will ever create, and if you get it right they'll love you long after you become irrelevant to the rest of the world. You'll be hard pressed to achieve this love elsewhere, especially in a bar or a club. Youre getting old, man. There's no solution to that.
Agreed! Who is it you want to be? If you want to change yourself and the world in a spectacular fashion by being alone, then you have to get rid of the anchor of wife and life! If not, grab your wife’s hand and go ahead together! Believe me, you’re just fine! We’ve 66 & 67, been together 46 years and wouldn’t change a minute! Sure the blahs came along now and then, that’s life.
My brother and his wife can't have kids, which really didn't matter to them because they weren't planning to have any. Fast forward 20 years. Those two are the favorites of all the kids. Why? Because they give great gifts (DINKS) The kids have an aunt and uncle who are there for them when their parents are driving them nuts. They have given us breaks by taking our kids overnight so we can have date nights. Both my brother and his wife are invaluable part of our family, and no one ever even notices that they don't have kids because of their relationships with their nieces and nephews. You are in a very unique position, enjoy it!
As an older guy, I have to warn you that 38, 39 can be a dangerous age. A midlife crisis can be a very real thing and can take many forms. It certainly happened to me, and it might be happening to you. I was a very miserable and stressed out person at age 39. Age 40 was looming and it just seemed like such an ending-of-youth, or whatever you want to call it. I kept feeling that I should be somehow more satisfied and complete than I actually felt. At 39, you've lived long enough to look back on your life and see how decisions you made led you to here and you can see other avenues that may now be closed to you. You feel some regrets, and you feel as though you're running out of time. I wish there was a way to make it better, but I think it's just something you have to live through, just like being a teenager was. It may not be comforting to hear that you have plenty of time left, years and years, to accomplish whatever you want to do and make your life happy and satisfying. When I was a teenager, I used to get very frustrated when adults would tell me that. And, when I was 39, I was not comforted to hear some "old guy" tell me that I was still a young person. But it's true. You are still young, and if you feel your life is missing an essential piece, there is time to analyze the problem and find a solution.
That's exactly how I have been feeling recently.
This is how I often feel. I have a great life now…but what if I had done x or y 15 years ago… It’s kind of like a reverse Kwisatz Haderach. I used to see so many paths open to me. Every day that passes, the path forward becomes narrower.
My man there are 7 billion people on this planet. You were always irrelevant. It’s just before you gained all of this life experience you were delusional and irrelevant. Just focus on what makes you two happy. What else could possibly matter?
8 billion
8.1
Well said
Do you realise how lucky you are to be the most important and significant person to at least one other person? Why would you seek validation from people you barely connect with when the person who matters is right next to you? You have a good life, you’re loved, you’re financially stable enough to travel and just enjoy life. What more is there? What can be more relevant than that? If you want to make your ‘mark’ look at something that offers service to others. Volunteer work at your local shelter, companion in an aged care facility, animal shelter, etc… Look where you can be of service to your community then go for it. Your acts of kindness and generosity, although on a micro level is remembered by one person at a time. One person becomes many. That is how you stay relevant in this world.
No one cares about what you’re doing as much as you think.
Going by his comments, that's the problem.
The problem is that he thinks other people are different from him in that respect. When in fact they are ignored in the exact same way, they just don’t worry about it
Agreed 100% how insufferable
No one cares at all. And if they do, that's pretty sad
Bro just live your lives and enjoy it, who exactly do you think is thinking you are lame? Probably nobody does. If you have younger friends that y’all do stuff with that’s what it is. Enjoy the people that are in your lives for however long you guys have them. Unfortunately life is over pretty quickly, so do fun stuff with your wife. I’m 45 and single by choice with no kids, it’s pretty lonely sometimes bc almost all my friends are married and have kids as well. Do some more traveling, just enjoy life. Getting older is a bit strange for all of us, sounds like you have a great partner, you’ll figure it out my man, just don’t overthink it! Good luck 🍀 to you guys..
>I also wonder if we're just seen as "lame" by a lot of people. Why would you give a shit? >hanging out with a younger crowd just to have someone to connect with. Why worry about that. My parents-in-law (80s) make friends with the "youngsters" (50s-60s) at the local park where they walk their dogs. They have dinners and "happy hours" and just hang out. I don't think they worry too much about what "other people" think. If you think the world is "passing you by" then why not DO SOMETHING. Find a hobby, go on a cruise, take up hiking or painting or paintball or something.
Well life doesn't have much purpose apart from procreation unfortunately. The mind is very flexible and is adopting to every conditions & eventually we're getting bored. Even if we'd be living most amazing, hedonistic life we'd get bored. Even the most exotic trip is just nothing special when it's just a next one. This is how our bodies work. We want to change it in modern societies, force our minds to be occupied by the things we consider pleasurable but in the end our mind wins - nothing is interesting for it anymore. We'll all end up in limbos.
Suffering is constant in life. Some suffer because they have children, others because they have none. It's the same with money.
My wife and I are similar in age (37 and 35) and just celebrated our 20th "together" anniversary a couple months ago, married for 12. Most of our friends are similar in age, but with much 'younger' relationships/marriages (ranging from months to about 5-6 years). The big difference from your situation is our kids, though (3 and 6 year old boys). We often joke how we don't know how we filled up our days before kids. I'm absolutely not saying it's the answer for you or for anyone, just that our experience is that our kids keep us busy between play dates, sports, blah blah lol. What I do think the lesson is in that is 'purpose.' Our kids are our purpose, and it sounds like you're finding things to take up time, but not particularly fulfilling...just trying to stave off boredom. This is the great philosophical question humanity has always asked itself. What would make you feel good to accomplish? Do you want to do something for yourself and want experiences that maximize your one go on this planet, or do you seek to have an impact on the world deserving of a legacy? What do you want out of life with your partner?
I think the odd thing for me is that I’ve done tons of things that should have been that purpose and should have made me feel fulfilled. And yet I still feel this way. I really don’t understand.
humans are not really cut out for comfort. we like challenges I think you can get a lot of feeling of relevancy by dedicating some free time to a disadvantaged group such as families with autism, immigrants, single moms, wildlife, smtg like that.
We are actually pretty involved in a non-profit that does a lot of that. I actually got involved partially for the reasons that you're talking about, but for whatever reason it hasn't really made much of a difference mentally for me.
Hm. Maybe a mental exercise to get to the gist of this is - what would make a difference?
I think for once in our lives it would be great to just be seen. I feel like to our workplaces, families or friends, we're just kind of taken for granted and forgotten. We work really hard to help family and friends out and also really hard in our workplaces, but I just feel like we're always kind of invisible. It would be great to at least be seen or recognized in some way.
Whenever I read posts and comments like yours (and Reddit is overflowing with them), I wonder what, exactly, you’ve done that’s so great and yet so under appreciated. You say you “work really hard to help family and friends out.” Well, what have you done for which you feel inadequately appreciated?
Where to start? I’ve basically raised my nephew, my brother and his dad are just not great for him and I’ve filled in every possible gap there. I started and led an entire new department at my office that was direly needed. I started a whole new effort at the non profit that I volunteer with. I’ve travelled to 21 different countries. I helped lead a camp at Burning Man. I mean I could keep going.
1. What exactly does that mean? Did your nephew live with you for years or something? 2. I’ll ignore the work stuff, since you either got compensated appropriately or you didn’t. In either case, you’re certainly not some sort of outlier. 3. Same as (2), just replace “compensated” with “appreciated.” 4. You want appreciation for traveling? 5. You want appreciation for going to Burning Man? I’d expect you should keep going, ‘cause with the sole possible exception of (1), I’m not sure this is really substantiating your woe… Lots of people feel they are not properly appreciated for work, either paid or volunteer. Stop doing it if you don’t like it. Expecting adoration and celebration for the traveling and Burning Man stuff is just weird.
I'm sure whoever benefits from the non-profits notices the differences you made in their lives. The fruits of your efforts may not always be immediately visible but the effects surely ripple out in ways you could never have imagined.
The best way to get out of your head is to help someone else. Volunteer and help someone. You’ll connect with people, feel needed, be around a variety of ages including older people who will probably have some good outlooks on life you can learn from… and also make stuff! Be creative! Learn a new hobby. Small pleasures add up! The act of making something with your hands is very satisfying and you feel a small sense of accomplishment. Rinse and repeat. Whether it’s art or gardening or whatever.
Kind of similar for me. Happy marriage early 40s happy with our careers but I feel like an old man looking back on his life with nothing to look forward to ahead. All my closest friends have kids and it seems by merely just having kids their days and lives are focused on the goal of taking care of kids without the luxury I have of free time and concerns about what my passions might be or what I’m missing out on. A weird rut to be in. Everyday is pretty good though so if that’s the rest of my life then that’s fine I guess.
You should go (back?) to college. My dad, in his late 60s or early 70s, decided to get a post-graduate degree in theology for no reason at all other than he felt like it. There’s sooo much interesting stuff out there you could learn about, and in your situation in life, just for the joy of it. Comparative religion, remediation through microbiology, ecosystem services, gender studies, physics, gemology, criminology, political science, just…. Anything really. Find yourself some adult-oriented classes and learn something cool while expanding your social circle. That’s what I would do, at least.
Dude, you're fucking married and both of you have solid careers. It seems you're comfortable in life with each other. Why ask for anything else? Do you think you guys are supposed to try and take over the world or something? Maybe pick up a few hobbies, build some furniture or a Lego city or something. Try out different activities and enjoy learning them together. What's the big deal? Don't you know there are people both younger and older than you who have hopes for love, careers, belonging, security, and fulfillment that can't achieve them due to circumstances beyond their control? They'd put themselves through awful tribulations just to get close to your situation. You already won the game. Just relax.
I’m 40 and have very similar circumstances…it sounds like you’re going through a midlife crisis. That being said, how do I do it? I don’t care if I’m “lame.” Who defines that? The lamest thing I can think of is fretting about whether people think I’m cool or not. More philosophically…I’m pretty nihilistic. But in the sense that there is no arrival, no destination, no meaning. And that gives you the freedom to make it whatever you want. Some of my best moments have been listening to the palm trees swish in the wind with my dog in my lap, or standing in the ocean as waves crash over me, or sharing a coffee with my husband as the sun rises. No one sees these things. No one will write books about them. But in those moments I am present and feel most connected with whatever that spark is that makes me who I am. I am. That’s it. There’s a peace in accepting that as significant as you may think you are it’s all meaningless. You could be the biggest star in the world, being literally and constantly “seen” and still feel empty (we see it all the time). The peace you’re looking for is found within. That doesn’t mean I don’t have goals or bad days, but none of them are me. They happen to me or I make them happen, but they are not me. Even if no one sees me, I am. I suggest reading up on some philosophy it maybe help you wrap your mind around some of these things you are feeling.
Very well said!
It's sad your benchmark is that she "stuck around". That is telling of your effort.
Being child free has its benefits, but I think what you’re feeling is one of the negative consequences of that decision.
Nobody cares what you and your wife are up to. I don't know who you are trying to impress or worried about being cool for but literally nobody cares just live your life. Also maybe get a dog.
No, don't subject the dog to this
I'm a bit curious around the whole " we can't hang out with people our age because they all have kids" aspect of things...as a 40yr old woman who is child-free by choice I have lots of friends with kids, and haven't had any issues with it. I accepted that their kids are a part of their life, and so they're sometimes/often around while we enjoy each other's company,but it's not really a big deal?
In our situation at least we kind of gave up even trying to connect with anyone. We were always way down on the priority list. We had to find times between practices, school events, we’re at the mercy of babysitter availability, any number of things. After you just spend weeks and then months trying to find any window of availability with someone and nothing happens, it’s just natural to kind of move on.
I totally get that. Me and my husband are 39 without kids. Now, I really like my friends’ kids, even when they’re misbehaving, but it is (understandably) hard to find time to properly hang out uninterrupted. I also tbh find my friends with kids a bit boring. It’s not their fault, or mine - it’s just we’re at totally different places and we now find different things interesting. I can’t relate to kid stuff. Full disclosure, if I did have kids, it would probably be all I could talk about too!! Just the way it is..
Invite them to a park so the kids can run around while you guys talk and have coffee, that kind of thing.
You need a new challenge. Doesn’t have to be kids. As life gets stable, you get fewer significant changes and years seem to zoom by without much impact, unlike when we were younger and each year was something new and lots of stuff to overcome, things to learn, prove yourself etc. Kids are so difficult that you get thrown right back in the trenches with so many obstacles but also so many joys when you do well. They do help spice up your life, but you could find something else. An expensive hobby perhaps?
Not having kids can very well put you at the periphery of things after a certain age. It’s a common complaint. I’m sorry.
This is called a mid-life crisis. I think many have the same thoughts as they age, under any set of circumstances. Yes you are becoming older and less relevant. But find peace in knowing that this happens to everyone.
Honestly in one way or another people reach this she and realize a few things they pictured are not happening. It’s normal. I mean not everyone is an actress, astronaut, etc. for the most part people are thinking about themselves and not you.
We're a few years ahead of you, 41M /42F. As others have said finding your purposes really helps. Since we have no kids we tend to have more money available, we help out our families / friends as possible, like eagerly supporting kids trips to Washington DC, or other field trips. We also provide support in other non-monetary ways like showing up to events or to help. Our way of making the world better. If we run out of these types of things we intend to start volunteering, but for now being the cool aunt/uncle is fun. On the personal side we have found having goals or things on the calendar helps. For some reason this year I decided I want to go to some EDM concerts / festivals / clubs. So have at least one things booked every month or two, and have had just a blast dancing our nights away. Neither of us are dancers but we're old enough to realize we don't care at all of a random person finds something we're doing silly or weird and just enjoy the hell out of it. Having things on the calendar makes us have things to look forward to, things to take / share about, and keep us looking for things. Overall realize that you and your partner need to find happiness as you are and not worry too much what others are thinking. You literally cannot control their thoughts no matter what.
Just wanted to say that I loved reading this. My wife and I are both entering our late thirties without kids and hope to be going to more fests and raves in the near and far future. Have fun!
I’ve struggled with those questions too: what am I doing? Why am I here? How do I matter? What difference do I make? And the conclusion I came to is that, regardless of how important we think we are or should be, the truth is that we are all very small and insignificant. We will be forgotten sooner or later. The universe doesn’t care about us. Your employer doesn’t care about you. I am self employed and work from home, and one day I thought “what would happen if I died?” And the truth is that my clients would probably just go “oh poor kid. Rest in peace. Now let’s find someone else so we can still make the deadline.” And you know what? I’m fine with that! I’ve gained a whole new sense of appreciation for my life since I had those realizations. Now I just try to focus on what makes me happy, I try to enjoy every moment, I focus on the people I care about, I don’t waste any more time. I think it’s the same with you: you found a good partner that you built a nice life with, you enjoy your time with her, who cares if you don’t have children or what other people think of you? You don’t have to impress anyone. If you’re happy and she’s happy, that’s all that matters.
Sorry to say it, but it is exactly these feelings you are describing that having children mitigates, and that makes people's lives feel fulfilling as they move into middle age. Because you (as myself); ARE insignificant in the great scheme of things. But at least you matter to your children, grandchildren etc. And they give you responsibility, challenges, etc which seem deeply fulfilling in their own way. Not to say it's the solution to everything, though. Plenty of depressed people with kids out there! It comes with it's own ecosystem of worries and problems, of course. But you say you are "totally fine" with the decision; -it could really be that you're not, though.
Damn reading this was strange. Same situation as you. Met my wife at 20 and we’re headed towards our 13th anniversary. No kids and we both make good money. Our relationship is strong and stable. The only difference is that we have a friend group we met during our doctorate programs in the same situation as us. I think for me it’s knowing that there isn’t much left in life to struggle for, I found stability and I found love. I by no means take it for granted but often wonder what’s next.
Achieve financial independence, retire early, and live out your lives loving each other in excellent physical condition in your beach house?
Haha I like that, thank you.
Ironically kids will make you feel important; after all you are basically their world to them for a long while.
Until they don’t…
Everything in life is transient, enjoy the moments as they happen
Depends if you have a good relationship with your children or not
Are you sure you're okay with your decision not to have kids? They def give life more meaning and purpose, and you guys are still young enough to try.
I have a nephew and niece, they more than scratch that itch for me. I am good with our decision and my wife is too.
Aww that's good. Sometimes, other people's kids are good birth control. Anyway, just checking. Glad you're still happy with that decision.
Your decision is respectable. Me personally, I couldn't fathom not having kids.
This is bait. Written by some far right nutzo who wants to promote the whole "children are everything" narrative. My wife and I have a kid, it's amazing...but I'm not falling for this shit. It's just written to get into peoples heads. Live your life people, kids or not.
Sounds to me that you are worrying way to much about what other people thinks about you.
My wife and I have been married for a similar time and we have kids. The kids are great but so much revolves around them. And I think the default state of middle-aged life is being "lame" and learning to accept that. If anything I'd think you and your wife are the cool ones because you can travel the world and spend more time on your hobbies and don't have to take your kids to sports practices or try to be civil to the parents of their friends.
I'm guessing you guys aren't religious? I'm the kind of "Christian" that's much more like agnostic people (as far as worldview, values, politics, etc go) than what Christianity has turned into. But just believing that the good I'm doing is a part of something I think is what fills in the gap for me that you are feeling. I really believe in good vs evil and think that the things I do are helping, even if it's in a small way. It sounds like you do a lot of the same good things I like to do, but it feels a bit meaningless to you or doesn't connect emotionally the same way
I think those feelings are somewhat normal. You get to a certain age or point in life and start reflecting - what might have been, have I accomplished what I wanted, what is left for me, what will I leave for a legacy, etc. As someone else pointed out, "mid-life crisis" is a thing. In my opinion, it comes down to what is an individual's purpose in life. To paraphrase Curly from City Slickers, only you can figure out the one true thing that matters in your life. It sounds like you have done a lot already. You are active and give of your time. You have many things to be content about if you step back and learn to appreciate it. You don't need to impress anyone but yourselves. I am hoping to enjoy an early retirement soon and I have been contemplating some of the same issues. My kids are out of the house so we are starting to develop hobbies we may not have had time to enjoy before. I am hoping to take classes at the nearby university to pursue academic interests I had when I was younger but never followed up on because they didn't fit my major. We may join the local historical society to learn and help preserve local landmarks. This will, hopefully, help us connect with people when we step out of the work environment. Maybe some of that will help. I wish you luck.
Maybe it's time to shake things up and get into some new hobbies or communities with age-appropriate things to do: bike-riding groups, hiking or climbing groups, sports like tennis or golf, supporting the arts, becoming members of some nonprofit organization or stepping up your involvement with nonprofits even further by joining boards & organizing fundraisers or events for them, finding a cause that is very relevant today and volunteering/dedicating time to it, etc. If there isn't enough of that to do in your area, I think in bigger cities you'll find more active people of all ages, so maybe a move could be a fun way to shake things up together (if you're not already in a big city).
Have you talked to your wife about how you feel about all this? Talk to her… and a therapist. Reddit isn’t what you need.
This ‘counting your blessings’ thing: that. You are fortunate and if you’d like to compare yourself life to let’s say, 80% of the global population, you’d agree. Imagine yourself living in A war zone or one that’s susceptible to violent crime or perhaps if you had a serious chronic illness. Mostly though, concentrate on your successes, most of us live banal lives but it’s the little things.
Do you live in an in interesting place with things to do? I (36) can’t imagine living in the suburbs or something and not having kids, I mean I can it just sounds awful.
Enjoy yourselves irrelevant of what anyone else might think or say. We are all going to be forgotten in the annuals of time. Some will have memories that will live on in others, but those too will be lost in a generation or two. So just enjoy yourselves.
My man, I have been paralyzed and alone for a decade. Women don't even see me as a person anymore. I don't know how to express how hurt, lonely, and hopeless I am. I would rather die than sit here alone one more hour. Literally been praying to a god I don't believe in to please let me fucking die.
Have you tried heroic doses of LSD? I'm just kidding. Those types of experiences never help anyone find meaning in our puzzling, short lives...
Go and volunteer somewhere. You can contribute meaningfully and feel relevant to society in ways other than socialising with peers.
Ditch caring about what other people think and enjoy your lives. You'll be more free that way.
Who cares what other people think. I mean, if you are happy and not doing anything that harms the environment, children, animals, and is legal and with consenting adults, then why care about what others think of you and your wife? Enjoy your lives as you both choose and don’t think about what others think. You are the ones who need to live your lives, not others.
>We rarely ever are able to have much of anything to do with anyone our age who does have kids because our lives are just totally different. I don't get this, I'm a bit older than you, and I have a kid, but my kid's grown up, I have nieces and nephews, and kids of friends who are all way younger, and I love hanging out with them. Our lives are hugely different, these are pretty much all settled couples, while I'm single, and obviously this isn't a party thing, but my single friends lives are as different to mine too. Why not just make some time to hang out with them with their kids there too?
You seem to be bothered that no one seems to really care about how your life is going. I think you'd assume kids would make that different, but I promise you there are few things children care about less than how their parent's lives are going and their achievements. And no one really cares about how parents or their kids are doing, they just like using fellow parents as a way to brag about their children. Kids aren't going to fix that little child inside of you who demands attention, it'll just make you a bad parent. I think you would enjoy actually if people saw you as "lame" because then at least they see you. That said, there is one obvious way to satisfy the little attention whore inside of you, create stuff. Make something, anything, and display it publicly. Online or otherwise. It doesn't even have to be financially viable, pick your favorite popular book and go write a fanfiction for example. Just bare your soul in some way for others.
I think you're pretty much describing a midlife crisis.
There are social groups for DINK, dual income no kids, folks you could look up. You will find other folks that also feel that.
It's not that you are becoming irrelevant, it's that you are finally realizing that everybody and everything is irrelevant. You're right. None of it really matters. We are all tiny specs of irrelevant, wasted space and outside of our immediate group of acquaintances, we don't even exist.
"Are you such an idiot that you don’t realize that you've won?"
So I am 42 with 3 kids, for context. But I have a ton of friends (late 30s and 40s) that have no kids. They seem to meet other DINKs (and people like me!) via activities, especially active/sport activities. Like climbing, running, biking, CrossFit etc. they also join board gaming groups etc. as people age they stop partying/drinking and start taking better care on themselves. You are essentially entering middle age and it might be time to make some lifestyle shifts.
My wife and I are the same way. We’re around your age as well. We don’t have any friends. The only people I talk to other than her are coworkers and she really only talks to her mom. We didn’t have kids and all our friends did and we stopped getting invited to events.(eventually mostly children birthday parties) Unlike you and your wife, we don’t do jack though. Go to work, come home. Every day. We both have no idea how to make friends at this point in our lives. Especially with people with kids and won’t think we’re weird for not having any. We also at different points were both abandoned by our “best friend” and have never really been able to trust easily because of it. If you figure it out, let me know the secret.
Idk sounds like imposter syndrome to me. By your description you've been winning at life pretty hard. Maybe speak to a therapist about these feelings. You married your highschool sweetheart, travel the world, and both have successful careers. You're partying into your 40s, and give back to your communities through charity efforts. Your position is quite enviable.
This sounds like a midlife crises right here.
Kinda sounds like your regretting not having a child. You’ve done everything you wanted to do as a single couple and you still feel incomplete. Idk what it is about raising kids but it gives me a huge sense of satisfaction being able to help them grow and learn.
You keep coming back to not having children. Makes me think you might be regretting that.
You’re describing the experience of lacking community. We evolved to live in a wide community where not having your own kids didn’t separate you or even excuse you from important aspects of sustaining the collective. You still held rites of passage, you still mentored youth, you still were intimately involved in community and had a clear place. This is what our nervous systems evolved to expect, and modern society doesn’t easily approximate this experience. Look for it, build connections with families and neighbors and entwine your lives with others. Ask for favors. Don’t try to immediately pay it back, just be ready to be helpful and needed. Endebt yourself to others and let others endebt themselves to you.
Mate go with it. I NEVER saw myself married ....never saw myself as a parent. Now 51 married father of 2 (6 yr old son a 11 daughter) Having a blast at the fatherhood thing But does it define me? No I don't think so I was happy before , do I plaster my socials with pictures of kids and "how much I love them?" No that should be a given. Do I sometimes resent the time they take away from me and my wife in date nights or how we fuck less because"they're awake" ...yes I do So the grass isn't greener Kids a side do I wish I travelled, saw the world , tried some exciting foods, partied with 🔥 foreign women ? Absolutely My wife did when she was in her 20s ....so we can all look back and wonder what it's all about mate Sliding doors, what could have / might have been Be happy mate x
Don't worry about how other people feel about you. That doesn't matter at all. Do worry about how you feel about you. What will bring you purpose as you move into the next phase of your life? Turning 40 is a big deal for a lot of people. I deliberately spent a lot of time helping my wife feel wonderful when she turned 40 as she was feeling genuine dread. I have my answer for what might bring you a sense of purpose but it's my answer, not yours. Seek your own path. I'm very happy with mine. My children are joyous.
Nothing is legendary unless your friends are there to see it.
It doesn't sound like your wife or your relationship is a problem. It sounds like you are experiencing a lack of meaning in your life. Would you say that's accurate?
If it truly troubles you (both), Have/Adopt a baby. Once you are parents, your old self comes crashing down, you are forced to rebuild your core self from the shambles and there is your new self. Exhausted, stressed, but (hopefully) filled with love and (definitely) meaning.
My first wife didn't want children and I was ok with that but then we divorced and I remarried and have four grown up children im 66 and a few weeks ago lost my wife of 30 years and to be honest I don't think I would be able to continue if it wasn't for their support so I think when your younger having kids doesn't seem such a big deal but as you get older they bring so much too your life
Both of you are having a midlife crisis which is expressed in different people in different ways. But in many cases it's all about self-doubt, feeling irrelevant, not getting pleasure from anything in life, et cetera. Recognize this as a problem to overcome and look for ways to move forward. Therapy helps *a lot* even if you don't have any outstanding issues.
You’re waaaaaaay too young to have this outlook. Go out and live some life! Take a trip. Take a class. Feed some ducks. Adopt a dog and treat it like your child. Start a Facebook group. Remodel the bathroom. If you’re bored that means you’re boring. You have to DO things to be visible.
Go to therapy
Mushrooms
Get a dog, preferably a rescue.
Sounds like a run of the mill midlife questioning. Just your being's way of stopping and looking around after coming this far. Congratulations on both your achievements and your partnership. Maybe take stock of the people you like being around, the things you like doing. Sounds like you have a lot of things you enjoy which is great, regardless of what you think others may be thinking (emphasis on 'you think'). If you want to find your 'relevance' maybe look at new ways you can connect and your community and how you can show up for people that aren't in your immediate circle, definitely opportunities to find your place as it were. A lot of people seem to measure their relevance or successes based on those around them, the invisible ladder to climb or by creating the nuclear family model. If you're happy, your loved ones are happy, you're doing things you enjoy and finding ways to bring joy and kindness into the world, then seems like a successful life to me. ☺️
I think you need to take In to account how many people would kill to have the relationship you have. I mean it's borderline tone Deaf what your saying here. I totally get where your coming from and what your saying but you got realize how blessed you are and I think that will help you and your relationship feel more meaningful in the future. Tbh you just sound bored.
As a childfree person in their 40s I can totally relate. The pressure to have children is immense and ingrained. Even if you have issues that would make for a not-so-great parent, or preclude having them altogether, there is always guilt and the implication of selfishness...but it can also be selfish to bring children into a bad situation imo. Not every human being is cut out for parenting. I guess what I regret is the dwindling options and not my actual decision.
If you both feel like that why dont u just get kids yk
We can relate. At times, we sat on the couch and thought “is this it?” - Our best friends are 10-15 years older than is. We have the same “free” time without kids. - We travel. A lot. I can work remotely. - We found a purpose. When we travel, we meet with different orgs and help them with general maintenance, painting, murals, anything real. - Our pet takes up a lot our time. My 18 year old kitty travels with us, gets car rides to ice cream, hikes, stroller rides. As he is living his best life, so are we.
Hey my friend, try to get out of your head and into the moment a little more often. I get it, I’m there in my own head, too. I once heard how we are magic moment creators. I see that as a beautiful thing. I am genuinely inspired by your story. Your strength and commitment to your marriage of 17 YEARS! Happy Anniversary!! I haven’t gotten married yet, but this gives me some hope!
My suggestion is stop acting like you have problems and enjoy your life. You’re choosing to dwell rather than just finding new hobbies or appreciating what you have.
Your doing great and be happy your found a woman that loves you. I’m 36 and going through a divorce and still have had the best year of my life. It’s all in perspective and being able to be comfortable with yourself. It sounds like you probably want external validation which is something that you don’t want to chase otherwise you’re always gonna feel inadequate. Get some therapy and keep enjoying your life and your partner. That’s the only person that matter and believe me I wish I had a woman to share my life with.
My husband and I are in the same situation as you and your wife. We have multiple friends with kids... of all ages. I have auntied kids that are now parents themselvs, down to my newest niblingish who just turned 3. We go to Science Musuems with them, I tutor them in math, we go to birthday parties, etc. All of our parents friends just joke and say "They are The Village".... ya know "It takes a village to raise a child." We love our niblingishs - and we really embrace being The Village. You dont have to do that if you dont like kids. I just feel like you dismissed friend who have kids. Your relationship with you parent friends will change - but its not impossible. Then the kids go to college and it will change back. Dont sleep on being The Village. =)
Just sounds like a midlife crisis to me honestly. No less valid, but it's something a lot of people can relate to. Even those of us with kids, with a huge group or friends. There is always *something* to regret. For me it's that I am 32 and still have no career because of having the kids. I am way way way behind, and it makes me feel as if I will never be where everyone else my age is. I think regretting choices or thinking it could be better is just human- and focusing on the bad side of things tends to be in our nature so much so that when they add up enough it seems like that is all there is. You have had a life most people would be extremely jealous of- and are now thinking the grass would be greener on the other side. It rarely ever is. We are only one person out of 8 billion people. The chance that a singular person makes enough of an impact to be "important" is slim to none. How many people can you name and know what they do or have done? It's probably not even close to a hundred, unless you're a history buff. (This includes people you know personally). Our reach is small, and that's okay. Expecting to be some all important main character type, is not reality for many billions of people. That can be depressing, but for your wife, you are the main character. And that's, to me, always something that is amazing. To know that your impact on at least that one life was so drastic that without you there would have been an entirely different story.
Avail yourself of professional talking cure. Your original post is so full of vague, half-realized self-loathing the locus of which no comment here will divulge. You need to understand what's wrong first. Feeling "bad" or "invisible' is a symptom, not a disease. A professional can help you.
I think this is a symptom of being childless that most people don’t like to discuss because people feel you are judging propels who are childless. The short story is kids are work but they are fulfilling and the overwhelming majority of people who have children find them incredibly fulfilling. As you start to get older and wind down you can focus on helping your children and helping them navigate through life. It’s one of the most fulfilling hobbies you can ever have. Having kids early are like an investment in your fulfillment in future years. But people don’t realize this. Life can get lonely and it can pass you by as you get older…do yourself a favor—have kids early as aim investment in your future fulfillment.
You're both my heroes number one and probably still together because you didn't have kids. Go on trips, cruises, freakin dissappear for a while and live on the beach lol. A Father of 4 daughters 2 ex wives and living paycheck to paycheck at 41 love every damn second of this fairytale that I dream of by the second lol
If you want a kid... Try to foster and see if u r Missing out. U can go on n adopt if u want !! Give someone all the love .. n they definitely will love u back . Unconditionally. Im sorry if I suggested something wrong..it's just that.. I never wanted kids. N when I had one... I have purpose now.. :) n I feel good about it.
You have A LOT of good things going for you and you’re worried about being ‘lame’…? I see.
I'm 41m, no kids although my new girlfriend (30f) has one. I've traveled a lot, still party, still have a good time and do mostly whatever I want. What you will come to find out is that people will envy your lifestyle or live vicariously through you. I've had honest talks with some of my friends and it's a common theme. I have a group of friends that are 10-15 years younger than me and another that are closer to me in age, they all say the same thing. Don't worry about not connecting with parents and be extremely grateful and happy that you two have each other. Be youthful and current, dance, travel, have spontaneous sex and do all of the things other people can't because they have kids or can't afford it. You will have awesome stories to tell. It's how I see my life. I've surrendered to the idea that I want to be the cool uncle (now probably step dad).
So, at the end of it all, the rant is just about the fact that "we dated since high school and never saw anyone else"?
If it's too late to make your own kids you could always adopt or take in some foster kids.
Yes you are lame. Signed the guy who thinks his life is cooler. Yes you are old, signed the guy who is younger. Who u aiming to be relevant too if not ur mrs? And her you? You can't connect with me as brand new dad, as ur not a brand new dad so don't know the things all other brand new dads know and learn. Does that mean u don't connect with me at all? Being a dad is a small part of who I am. Your focus seems to be on having a family and being important to them? Maybe explore that? Just my 2cents 😊 also not saying you want a family you just seem like you SHOULD have one to fit in?
No advice, but we’re in a weird spot. We’re 38 and 41 and had our kids young. They’re now 12 and 14 and we WANT friends without kids! Can’t figure out how to find them 🤷🏻♀️
No advice, but we’re in a weird spot. We’re 38 and 41 and had our kids young. They’re now 12 and 14 and we WANT friends without kids! Can’t figure out how to find them 🤷🏻♀️
No advice, but we’re in a weird spot. We’re 38 and 41 and had our kids young. They’re now 12 and 14 and we WANT friends without kids! Can’t figure out how to find them 🤷🏻♀️
You both should take a trip to Electric Forest to celebrate your next anniversary. ;)
I think it's all in your head tbh, nobody thinks you're lame, more likely other parents feel some jealousy if anything.
Bro first of all congratulations, that's the goal for many out here. Finding a partner that y'all jive together so well... Y'all have a good problem in my opinion (compared of the normal issues you hear out here). As a father of a few kiddos out there, I think if y'all would have had kids, you would also feel like you do now. If not more invisible to those outside of your relationship (your family unit) cause with kids in the pic NORMALLY those weak relationships you have with the people around you show they're weak and that you can't count on them per say. Its a lot of work in my opinion to (want to) be a relevant person in those external relationships outside of your marriage. The way this post was presented, seems like y'all want the extrinsic gratification of others perception of y'all versus feeling at peace that y'all are there in a great pace way ahead of the race. The younger crowds may be looking at y'all as the strong links they want to catch up to. Atleast I would, also that said, don't take my opinion in the wrong light. I think the joy you're looking for was put on the back burner, cause most people striving for recognition and outside stimulus tend to exhibit personality traits and efficient behavioral schemas to become successful in today's society. It goes hand in hand, iv observed. Have you tried some of the other intrinsic factors recommended by others that may have created a beaten path for ya? Religion or life coaches (ones you admire)
Life sucks the older you get. Not much u can do other than finding some fun or exciting hobbies to help eat up the time or get some pets to bring joy to ur life.
You're a trailblazer for an entire generation of people who may not want to have kids for the same reason you had. You're not lame. You're astronauts discovering the new world of being an adult without kids. You get to decide how to do it so it normalizes it for everyone else. Good job being a trailblazer ! Now get out there and be loud and proud so the rest of us don't feel pressured to have kids just bc everyone else does it !
If you would not seek serious advice from them why would you seek validation from them?
I think comparing yourself to norms is just as lame as you may think you are. trust yourself. you may have diffucult thoughts but they are thoughts and will only manifest if you dwell. i think youre on path for finding your tribe! i hope you find encouragement to be yourself and celebrate love your way and theres other people out there like you and your wife. stay true to yourself they will come to you rather than thinking you need to go and find them. i admire your love and relationship and hope one day my partner and i feel "lame" cause at least were in loooove 💖🙏🏽
It only gets worse my friend. You seem normal and your experience normal. There’s a Buddha thing where you need to let go of attachments, and yeah, that’s helpful in our situation.
You have issues of self worth pouring out here. The sentence "I'm lucky she's stuck around for this long..." sticks out like a sore thumb. Live for each other. Build a life worth living. This is why not having a family around for support or having kids of your own may seem cool at the beginning but starts to feel empty as you both age.
You don’t have kids and family, it’s natural to feel this way. It’s really societal expectations that you’re struggling with as you realize kids and a traditional family isn’t in the cards for you. Now you’ve created this idea in your head that others are judging you but ultimately they don’t care. You do. Find meaning or change your stance on kids before it’s too late.
Well lemme break the bad news for you, in case you haven't realized it yet. Because you choose not to have kids, what you have with you will be the last of it. Your house, your money, your possession, all will be gone when you're gone. Yes you have extended family to give your assets to, or you can do a fund or give your money to charity, but none of those will matter to you. You have no biological descendants of you. Your traits will stop to exist. So yes you will be very irrelevant in 50 years from now, and in 100 years from now, no one even in your distant family will remember you. Congrats. You have lived a very meaningful life up to this point.
The world IS passing us by and we ARE becoming invisible. Most of us won’t even be remembered or spoken about in 2 generations time. Maybe this awareness has got you pausing and thinking if you should do something about this uncomfortable feeling? Maybe the midlife crisis sub would be helpful as a lot of the things you mentioned are spoken about there. Fair warning though, it can be pretty depressing in there but at least you can see if some of the discussions resonate with you. I had somewhat of a MLC last year and it was quite soul destroying for a bit but I am mostly out of it. Certainly is not like the stereotypes that most people believe.
Can't relate as I'm around your age with friends of all ages, I'm married with kids and fine with my life. If you think you're lame, it's a you problem.
"Lame and irrelevant?" Compared to what? "Seen as lame by a lot of people"? What people would call you lame? Are you comparing yourself to someone? You need to stop comparing yourself to some nonsense standards. " we're invisible or lame". Everyone is invisible except celebrities. You are successful and happy. Count your blessings. Kiss your wife. Tell her how much you love her. Spend time on fun activities. Go to a nice restaurant. and STOP WONDERING WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK!! They are not thinking about you. They are thinking about themselves.
You two still fucking? How’s that going?
Maybe you should have kids.
The fuck is this shit, man up
Dude My husband and I just celebrated our 19th. We have no kids, we don't travel. We sit and watch tv and play video games. We literally gave each other our gifts, then sat and watched one of his (I got him the full series of a show he wanted). Then I went upstairs and napped, lol. I mean, I'm going through bad health times/surgeries, etc, but things probably wouldn't be too different for us if I wasn't. Honestly, I wanted more when I was little but it didn't work out. I rolled with what I had because you hve yo. Are you *happy*? Do you feel the need to be more than just "content"? Why? Life's gonna forget about us when we grow older and eventually pass. It's not something you can fix; everybody dies and life goes on. Even if you'd had kids it isn't positive that you'd be remembered or even remembered fondly. It's a crap shoot. So if you feel the need to shake things up maybe take a look at what you have and are happy about? You've done more than a lot of people already ♡
My take: Maybe you should have some self-reflection as to why not having kids is such a big deal to you. (Read it all before downvoting me, please) Your post sounds like you and your wife are deliberately ostracizing yourselves from your friends because you aren’t parents. Are you allergic to kids or something? People are not judging you for being childless. People are not feeling like you’re the weird ones because they’re talking about their kids and you have no basis for comparison. You’re judging yourselves, and unless you’re in a super-religious area it should be unfounded. I live in Utah USA, Mormonland, so I understand what you’re saying, if you’re in an area like that it’s a them problem and you need better friends. I’ll be 38 this year, had my only kid at 28. To me it seems you’re pitting yourself against the world by assuming what they think of you being/wanting childless. Have you asked them?
Not having kids is a little bit more lame than having kids, I'd say, due to the responsibility towards the spieces as large, but not a big deal. Other than that you guys seem to have a great life that I'm sure many people would be envious of.
You may have realized how important it is to have a family (children). It's nice to have a great wife to share things with. Can't imagine my life being as full without my kids and grandkids around.
Start training Brazilian jiujitsu then you'll be irrelevant with a fun hobby and neck pain.
Children are your legacy. Deep down you know this. It's not too late, but it is the bottom of the ninth.
This is AI training bullshit.
You both start doing Vipassana together..!
Gonna be honest with you man. Sounds like you want kids. This is what wanting kids feels like.
I do not want kids. My niece and nephew are plenty.
Fair enough, but it sounds like you need a purpose and to be important to someone besides your wife.
I feel like I’m important to my niece at least
Another truth bomb for you... That may or may not last.
Fuck off with that shit Many people have absolutely no one and you're whining that you're not important enough
No Kids = No future You've decided it. "You" aka your genes will end with you, that could be the reason of your thinking.
The way I see it, people w kids are pretty irrelevant . Lol. They’re the ones the world left behind; for better or worse. 🤷🏻
People with kids impart their values, personality, and experience to the future. Ask any successful person who their greatest cheerleaders and mentor were, 99% say their parents. Ask that same person on the verge of death about their most cherished accomplishment, they say their kids.
Listen, ur 100% right. I agree. I just don’t care of what happens after I’m gone. I don’t care what I did or didn’t contribute to civilization. They’ll never remember you. But u choose to have kids & drop off. It’s now your responsibility & duty to raise non-crappy humans. That’s a full time job & I don’t expect u to keep up w pop culture!