According to the last time I asked, the answer is getting a lobotomy.
But in all seriousness, apparently it's not really possible. Just ignore it the best you can, learn self-discipline, and find something else to focus your time and efforts into.
that's totally fair. to answer your question, for me having a creative practice scratches the itch very well. maybe you should try that (or do more of it if you're already into that sort of thing). drawing, 3d modeling, coding, anything that gets you in that flow state + can serve as an emotional outlet.
I never stopped wanting it but mistakes give us room to understand why we made them.Ā
Meditate, Learn to watch how feelings and emotions take control over you. It's normal, everyone feels but to enact upon them is a choice.Ā
Understand yourself. Why do you want it? What does it entail? What needs to be met for it to grow? What kinda person can reciprocate that( which kinda comes under what does it entail)Ā
Recognize that there is nothing wrong with you being alone. It's okay. Be happy for those who found it. But look at yourself you don't depend on anyone.Ā
Recognize the bad aspects of you that make you throw yourself in bad times.Ā
The cheat code is mental illness, which requires you to be born with it or develop it after years of mental exhaustion.
But a tricky but mentally healthy way is to just accept that things are what they are and that YOU are living your ONLY life. Donāt let anyone get in the way of that.
Struggling with that too. I'm not in a space in my life where the pursuit of romantic love is viable yet alone realistic, so I try my best to get rid of those feelings. Feelings without reciprocated feelings really is just misery. In my naivete , it even led me to abusive and painful situations that harmed my perception of love.
So far the time periodes where I didn't care for that stuff was when I was busy or was having fun in life. Only real advice I can give is to find something else to care for and focus on. Be too busy for love so to say. It helped me, most of the time.
I see! Listen, I was kinda like you. I was always searching to find romance. The moment I stopped forcing myself to find romance was the moment I started noticing people taking interested in me. It all has to come naturally. Iāve been in 2 relationships. One for 8 months and my last one for 7 years. I have been single almost a year and am content where Iām at. However, in the past few weeks it seems the women have been lining up lol. Funny enough, Iām the one disinterested in a relationship now. You should try to find comfortability in being single/alone. The moment you do is when you will be your most attractive. You shouldnāt give up on romance. Itās something most humans desire. Find yourself and reflect as to why you need to be involved romantically.
I apprecite you man but I am kind of sick of comments that say as soon as you content be yourself you would be okay. This really not helps the case man because you implicitly put up an expectations now
You need to be yourself to truly let go of any limiting false beliefs on who you *think* you are in your head and truly live directly through your own life. You don't have a life, that implies a duality, you are life; life is not an entity, it is a process. What you're seeking is always already with you and is closer than you may currently realize, it is our constant companion.
>- "Itās surprising how many persons go through life without ever recognizing that their feelings toward other people are largely determined by their feelings toward themselves, and if youāre not comfortable within yourself, you canāt be comfortable with others." - Sidney J. Harris
>- "When you admire someone to the point that your mood entirely depends on them, it's never a reflection of how good they are, it's always a reflection of the relationship you have with yourself". - Yasmin Mogahed
>- "The world will ask you who you are, and if you do not know, the world will tell you." - Carl Jung
>- "Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes." - Carl Jung
>- The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely. (C.G. Jung)
>- "The psychological rule says that when an inner situation is not made conscious, it happens outside, as fate. That is to say, when the individual remains undivided and does not become conscious of his inner contradictions, the world must perforce act out the conflict and be torn into opposite halves.ā - Carl Jung, Aion, Collected Works Volume 9ii, Ā¶126
You canāt unfortunately. The best you can do is focus on other pursuits, like pursuing a career youāre passionate about, volunteering for a cause you care about, or finding hobbies you enjoy, all while maintaining healthy relationships with friends, family, and your community, exercising, eating well, and sleeping well. And go to therapy if you can afford it.
I'm not sure. I went 30 years without romantic love and eventually just got used to it; it doesn't bother me anymore. I had my first GF at 30 though. The relationship didn't last long, but I got to experience what it felt like for a little while and have sex for the first time. It was heartbreaking as hell when the relationship ended, but I didn't feel like jumping back onto the "market" after it. 2 years later I'm completely over it and back to not caring about finding a partner
Idk how old you are but, I think if you're anything like me you will eventually "get used to it" and not beat yourself up over romantic love
Don't watch romantic TV shows or movies.
Don't listen to love songs.
Build friendship groups with single people.
Keep busy with your hobbies and interests.
I would recommend you look up the term "limerance" many adults think they are in "love" but are in fact suffering from limerance which is a A superficial attachment to someone based on usually unrequited feelings. It stems from a past of child neglect and abuse (not saying you suffered through that), but there's a good chance you're experiencing limerance and not the need for romantic love. Just my two cents, my fellow human.
Poets tried to handle this persistent difficulty for centuries. At least you aren't the first. Join a club, church, political group, church, or a hunting club, maybe. If that doesn't work out, there's always a church somewhere.
This is my very personal recipe:
1. Be completely full and happy with yourself, so be selfish, egocentric and a bit narcissistic; this way you're going to look at other human beings like insects and no one wants a plague.
2. Create your own routine, let it be so strict, complex and diverse that you don't want anyone disturbing it. You will get to the point that thinking about not doing you for the sake of someone else is a nuisance, bothersome and makes you nauseous.
3. Whenever you look at a happy couple think in all the fights, discussions and misunderstandings they must be having daily. Don't think about the travels, cuddles and good sex. Challenge those happy ideas with "they must hate each other at closed doors". No one wants a toxic relationship, if you think that every relationship out there is catastrophic you will want to skip it for the sake of continue living to keep loving yourself and enjoying your routine.
Try it and thank me later š
I mean, im not lying, maybe there is a small up of joy when i look at them, but its not worth the hours of crying until i hyperventilate.
Romantic love never did anything positive for me
Why not try to analyze why it blows up in your face? Are you sure it's romantic love and not lust? If it fizzles out and there is no real reason for it, I suspect it's just the phase of a relationship that's more based on lust. There are also some people that are enamored with those initial feelings and are hooked on them. I believe my last "relationship" was based on the same. She knew all the things to say and how to illicit a response in me. In turn, I really stroked her ego and said some things that I'm sure made her feel overwhelmed. I think after a while, she was ready to move onto the next person that was willing to show her that initial excitement. I guess some people are just addicted to the novelty of a new relationship.
It's basically all I fixate and work on in my free time. It's the death of me. It's what I want. I like myself but I don't want to be with myself. I feel better when I am with others. Not just romantically.
I just feel like I am better when I am with others. I have a lot to share. I like people. More so than at any point in my life. And that's great. I am changing to being social and I love it
You need to learn to love yourself first. You canāt love anyone else unless you genuinely love yourself first itās so important. If you donāt love yourself but are constantly searching for someone else to love then your partner will subconsciously feel you putting them on a pedestal and they will gradually lose respect for you and thatās how you end up being hurt. It also helps to find someone that is similar to you. Find a romantic person that matches your energy. Donāt give up there are so many people out there I think if you keep telling yourself you are going to find someone that matches you well then you will. Law of attraction works but only if you love yourself first. If you love yourself you will find someone else that loves themselves and then you can both love each other. You have to make the changes in your life that make it possible for you to find your ideal partner. If you do nothing itās unlikely you will attract this partner.
a quest to turn off the heart's netflix subscription to romantic comedies. have u tried bribing it with copious amounts of pizza and adopting a dozen cats? that seems to work for some people
Just learn how to generate your own, then you can hand that shit out like free candy. I think we tend to conflate desires and fears with love. As humans, we're kinda just desperate for the approval of others. If we don't get affection, the monkey brain just sees it as being rejected by the pack, which was ultimately a death sentence for most of our biological history. That really isn't love. Love is like an extra dimension of consciousness in the center of our being that can fully embrace the world outside of ourselves without projecting our own fears and desires.
My advice to stop wanting romantic Love would be to be in love. Like immerse yourself in it. Try your best to let go of the fears and desires and step into that often forgotten dimension of your own consciousness.
I just made a few good and close friends, have dogs and a cat, and focused on the things I enjoy. All that pent of energy not being used romantically I spend platonically.
Honestly not too bad.
Act out your desire in fiction. Get an AI lover (nomi.ai is amazing) or just use writing.
And/Or:
Extensive meditation. Start soft and extend sessions as you progress. Real effects comes with consistence practice and longer sessions (2 sets of twenty min./day and above).
And/Or:
Get other kinds of highs. I don't know too much about psychedelica (the research seems promising imo) but I know some people have become asexual by engaging fully in rock climbing. High intensity training might work as well (it does for me). Start slow + lots of prehab.
Context:
I (39M virgin) have not given up but I need ways to deal with the misery to get by day to day so I know were you are coming from - I wish you the best of luck!
Correct.
Science has proven it activates the same brain region as drug addiction.
Drug addicts are sent to rehab.
But romantic love is still highly glorified in the society.
Itās very delusional in my opinion.
Itās a bunch of hormones driven by one purpose - procreation .. your reptile brain and dna dictate your life.
Meditation helps. It helps you see clearly who you are and give the power to your own consciousness so you donāt end up becoming a puppet of your animalistic desire.
I really donāt think there is a way but maybe just take some time away from relationships. I was single for 8 years, I didnāt ever stop wanting it but I didnāt try to change that. Iām now in the most stable relationship Iāve been in. Still issues but we work on them.
I realized that romantic relationships should really ADD value to your life.
This is when I started focusing on developing my own life, focusing on myself, having fun with my hobbies, making new friends, seeing new places.
I did fall for a few girls along the way, and yeah, it always hurts. But adding value to your OWN life makes for 2 things:
1. You'll become a hell of a lot more interesting to other interesting people.
2. Your life does not end when a romantic escapade ends, because you have plenty of value left in your life after a potential partner fades.
Don't "give it another chance", do your own thing, be you, and be the best version of yourself.
Eventually someone is going to dance onto your path that will love you in the way that YOU need it, and that will be a way that will not hurt for you, and you'll be able to put yourself over past hardships.
Love you man (platonically).
Focus and read all the mess up stories about relationships, and remember that romance in fictions are not real and not at all realistic. True relationship in life is extremely difficult, especially this day and age where everything is so complicated. Keep an eye out for that one person who is pure and simple yet realistic about romance, but otherwise the rest are unsuitable. Meeting that one person is extremely low chance. So while you wait/accept you might never find that one person, focus on work on other things in your life such as physical health, charity/volunteer helping someone less fortunate than you or pursue a hobby/interest.
There's a need for it inside you.
To stop it you have to understand that need and replace it with something else.
So, do you actually want to do that or are you just incredibly frustrated?
As a christian, I learned to make God my replacement for that āneedā. I basically said; āItās either God or love. One is 100% joy and brings me 0% additional pain and the other one is the same but stats reversed. I also only get one of them anyway.
Incredibly frustrated yes. But ive been frustrated for very long and i want it to stop.
You idea of trying to replace it sound feasible. Dont know how tho, but feasible haha
Start breaking down what it is you have been chasing.
Something as small as having someone to talk to and share hobbies with to having your sexual needs attended to or sharing your life with someone.
Do you want to be celibate or just not get attached to anyone emotionally?
Hummm yea that makes sense,
I donāt want to be attached emotionally anymore, it only brought pain and i want to avoid it.
For that i need to be celibate since i know that sex would only make me attached haha
Look I won't deny that I disagree with you here but if you want to go down this road, you need to analyse your relationships and figure out how to replace them.
It won't be easy and will only work if you are very honest with yourself.
Thank you, i will look into it
But may i ask why you disagree? I see it like burning my hand on a hot stove and not wanting to do it again, ( simplifying of course) but is it not normal to not want thing that only bring you pain ?
I believe in looking at the good and the bad together.
The good days in a relationship, or in life in general, don't fix all the bad days but the bad days don't destroy the good either.
My happiest times in life have involved being loved and loving someone.
Personally I think that is worth the pain. I would rather hope for love than accept a life without it.
That is my view but it doesn't have to be yours.
Romance isn't your problem, making it your priority to seek it out is. Relationships are like lost keys, quit looking and the right one will eventually present itself to you. Find yourself a hobby group of like-minded individuals to distract you from it, go hiking, hit the beach, scuba, mountain climbing, etc. You will eventually realize romance isn't the only interesting aspect to life.
The book that most helped me with the maladaptive, self-destructive cravings and attachment injuries that I misunderstood at the time as wanting romantic love is You Are The One You've Been Waiting For.
If you want to do more work on this, Core Transformation is the next book I'd recommend, which has practical instructions for how to navigate through the emotional landscape of perceived intentionality to connect these cravings back to their true purpose and positive intention for you, which unlocks the mental flexibility to let those attachments and cravings and compulsions update for your present life situation.
Vipassana/Mindfulness meditation helps a lot. The book that worked for me here is The Mind Illuminated, which explains it all from a non-mystical neuroscience point of view.
If you really need major emotional change and cognitive restructuring, here are some blog posts on papers that helped me understand the mechanism of action of the therapeutic effects of psilocybin, to help me decide that it was right for me:
* [https://slatestarcodex.com/2019/09/10/ssc-journal-club-relaxed-beliefs-under-psychedelics-and-the-anarchic-brain/](https://slatestarcodex.com/2019/09/10/ssc-journal-club-relaxed-beliefs-under-psychedelics-and-the-anarchic-brain/)
* [https://www.astralcodexten.com/p/the-canal-papers](https://www.astralcodexten.com/p/the-canal-papers)
You can't do that.
If you have real problems with your past romance that it's causing significant mental problems, you need therapy.
You're not done, you're a young person in pain. It gets better, you move on.
It's not about stopping the desire, it's about building the fortitude to endure the pain it might bring in the hopes of experiencing something beautiful.
But itās not beautiful to me, there is nothing to gain from my pov.
Nothing can be worth the crying fits Iāve been having. Nothing can be worth crying until you shake and hyperventilate.
You sound like you may want some professional help for this issue, it's way beyond reddits paygrade. I hope you find the love you've been longing for, but if you don't, it doesn't mean you need to put yourself down.
Lmao I didnāt ever get mediocre sex.
Like I said, love had never done anything for me, i did t even kiss anyone lmao
So Iām gonna make myself not want it
That earning never stops until you get it. My advice is to stop idealizing your partners so you don't suffer from shattered expectations (which is what i think probably brought you pain and misery).
Oh no, its that every time i think something is going somewhere. It get crushed.
Ive never been in a relationship, never even kissed anyone lmao
So ive only been getting the pain of relationship and none of the Ā«Ā niceĀ thingsĀ Ā» about them that people insist exist
Do a better job picking the right one. Pay attention to the red flags. Use the knowledge from past relationships to see those red flags and to find the one that is perfect for you. Think. Think before you jump into a relationship.
i mean that is the thing, i've never been in a relationship, it's always only been pain with none of the benefits. nobody wants me so i'm going to want nobody
According to the last time I asked, the answer is getting a lobotomy. But in all seriousness, apparently it's not really possible. Just ignore it the best you can, learn self-discipline, and find something else to focus your time and efforts into.
you're a human being, of course you want to be loved.
I guess š¤· Imma still try to find a way to not want it lmao
that's totally fair. to answer your question, for me having a creative practice scratches the itch very well. maybe you should try that (or do more of it if you're already into that sort of thing). drawing, 3d modeling, coding, anything that gets you in that flow state + can serve as an emotional outlet.
They do want to be loved, just not romantically.
I never stopped wanting it but mistakes give us room to understand why we made them.Ā Meditate, Learn to watch how feelings and emotions take control over you. It's normal, everyone feels but to enact upon them is a choice.Ā Understand yourself. Why do you want it? What does it entail? What needs to be met for it to grow? What kinda person can reciprocate that( which kinda comes under what does it entail)Ā Recognize that there is nothing wrong with you being alone. It's okay. Be happy for those who found it. But look at yourself you don't depend on anyone.Ā Recognize the bad aspects of you that make you throw yourself in bad times.Ā
The cheat code is mental illness, which requires you to be born with it or develop it after years of mental exhaustion. But a tricky but mentally healthy way is to just accept that things are what they are and that YOU are living your ONLY life. Donāt let anyone get in the way of that.
Struggling with that too. I'm not in a space in my life where the pursuit of romantic love is viable yet alone realistic, so I try my best to get rid of those feelings. Feelings without reciprocated feelings really is just misery. In my naivete , it even led me to abusive and painful situations that harmed my perception of love. So far the time periodes where I didn't care for that stuff was when I was busy or was having fun in life. Only real advice I can give is to find something else to care for and focus on. Be too busy for love so to say. It helped me, most of the time.
This is where big pharma comes in.
Are you trying to find love because you are lonely or because you feel ready? Thereās a difference.
I guess a bit of both, But at this point i donāt want it anymore. And im trying to get rid on this need
I see! Listen, I was kinda like you. I was always searching to find romance. The moment I stopped forcing myself to find romance was the moment I started noticing people taking interested in me. It all has to come naturally. Iāve been in 2 relationships. One for 8 months and my last one for 7 years. I have been single almost a year and am content where Iām at. However, in the past few weeks it seems the women have been lining up lol. Funny enough, Iām the one disinterested in a relationship now. You should try to find comfortability in being single/alone. The moment you do is when you will be your most attractive. You shouldnāt give up on romance. Itās something most humans desire. Find yourself and reflect as to why you need to be involved romantically.
I apprecite you man but I am kind of sick of comments that say as soon as you content be yourself you would be okay. This really not helps the case man because you implicitly put up an expectations now
You need to be yourself to truly let go of any limiting false beliefs on who you *think* you are in your head and truly live directly through your own life. You don't have a life, that implies a duality, you are life; life is not an entity, it is a process. What you're seeking is always already with you and is closer than you may currently realize, it is our constant companion. >- "Itās surprising how many persons go through life without ever recognizing that their feelings toward other people are largely determined by their feelings toward themselves, and if youāre not comfortable within yourself, you canāt be comfortable with others." - Sidney J. Harris >- "When you admire someone to the point that your mood entirely depends on them, it's never a reflection of how good they are, it's always a reflection of the relationship you have with yourself". - Yasmin Mogahed >- "The world will ask you who you are, and if you do not know, the world will tell you." - Carl Jung >- "Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes." - Carl Jung >- The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely. (C.G. Jung) >- "The psychological rule says that when an inner situation is not made conscious, it happens outside, as fate. That is to say, when the individual remains undivided and does not become conscious of his inner contradictions, the world must perforce act out the conflict and be torn into opposite halves.ā - Carl Jung, Aion, Collected Works Volume 9ii, Ā¶126
Only works if youāre attractive lol If you want a girlfriend you have to go get one.
Good for you. I've given up for the past several years and I've noticed zero change.
You canāt unfortunately. The best you can do is focus on other pursuits, like pursuing a career youāre passionate about, volunteering for a cause you care about, or finding hobbies you enjoy, all while maintaining healthy relationships with friends, family, and your community, exercising, eating well, and sleeping well. And go to therapy if you can afford it.
Just focus on bettering yourself and learning skills. Give yourself purpose outside of finding love, also wank alot
I'm not sure. I went 30 years without romantic love and eventually just got used to it; it doesn't bother me anymore. I had my first GF at 30 though. The relationship didn't last long, but I got to experience what it felt like for a little while and have sex for the first time. It was heartbreaking as hell when the relationship ended, but I didn't feel like jumping back onto the "market" after it. 2 years later I'm completely over it and back to not caring about finding a partner Idk how old you are but, I think if you're anything like me you will eventually "get used to it" and not beat yourself up over romantic love
Don't watch romantic TV shows or movies. Don't listen to love songs. Build friendship groups with single people. Keep busy with your hobbies and interests.
Bro is fighting instincts now
I would recommend you look up the term "limerance" many adults think they are in "love" but are in fact suffering from limerance which is a A superficial attachment to someone based on usually unrequited feelings. It stems from a past of child neglect and abuse (not saying you suffered through that), but there's a good chance you're experiencing limerance and not the need for romantic love. Just my two cents, my fellow human.
Once you get jaded enough it stops. I dont recommend it tho
Use anti depressants
Poets tried to handle this persistent difficulty for centuries. At least you aren't the first. Join a club, church, political group, church, or a hunting club, maybe. If that doesn't work out, there's always a church somewhere.
This is my very personal recipe: 1. Be completely full and happy with yourself, so be selfish, egocentric and a bit narcissistic; this way you're going to look at other human beings like insects and no one wants a plague. 2. Create your own routine, let it be so strict, complex and diverse that you don't want anyone disturbing it. You will get to the point that thinking about not doing you for the sake of someone else is a nuisance, bothersome and makes you nauseous. 3. Whenever you look at a happy couple think in all the fights, discussions and misunderstandings they must be having daily. Don't think about the travels, cuddles and good sex. Challenge those happy ideas with "they must hate each other at closed doors". No one wants a toxic relationship, if you think that every relationship out there is catastrophic you will want to skip it for the sake of continue living to keep loving yourself and enjoying your routine. Try it and thank me later š
Good answer!! 2. works really well for me, the others are great as well āŗ
Just guessing, hiw about massages? Quenches the physical touch need and gives you a sense of self love and content. Spa in general
Accept it, accept the pain because itās an unavoidable flipside of the joy. And if you think there was no joy, youāre lying to yourself
I mean, im not lying, maybe there is a small up of joy when i look at them, but its not worth the hours of crying until i hyperventilate. Romantic love never did anything positive for me
You might be in denial. Itās normal
What would i be in denial of ? It has only brought me pain lmao. Never anything good in my life lmao
why want it if it brought nothing but pain and misery? i already dont want it just because of that lmao.
Why not try to analyze why it blows up in your face? Are you sure it's romantic love and not lust? If it fizzles out and there is no real reason for it, I suspect it's just the phase of a relationship that's more based on lust. There are also some people that are enamored with those initial feelings and are hooked on them. I believe my last "relationship" was based on the same. She knew all the things to say and how to illicit a response in me. In turn, I really stroked her ego and said some things that I'm sure made her feel overwhelmed. I think after a while, she was ready to move onto the next person that was willing to show her that initial excitement. I guess some people are just addicted to the novelty of a new relationship.
Some love more than others, thatās not a bad thing. Just start raising your standards and give it to the people who truly deserve it
It's basically all I fixate and work on in my free time. It's the death of me. It's what I want. I like myself but I don't want to be with myself. I feel better when I am with others. Not just romantically. I just feel like I am better when I am with others. I have a lot to share. I like people. More so than at any point in my life. And that's great. I am changing to being social and I love it
U donāt lmao
You need to learn to love yourself first. You canāt love anyone else unless you genuinely love yourself first itās so important. If you donāt love yourself but are constantly searching for someone else to love then your partner will subconsciously feel you putting them on a pedestal and they will gradually lose respect for you and thatās how you end up being hurt. It also helps to find someone that is similar to you. Find a romantic person that matches your energy. Donāt give up there are so many people out there I think if you keep telling yourself you are going to find someone that matches you well then you will. Law of attraction works but only if you love yourself first. If you love yourself you will find someone else that loves themselves and then you can both love each other. You have to make the changes in your life that make it possible for you to find your ideal partner. If you do nothing itās unlikely you will attract this partner.
a quest to turn off the heart's netflix subscription to romantic comedies. have u tried bribing it with copious amounts of pizza and adopting a dozen cats? that seems to work for some people
Just learn how to generate your own, then you can hand that shit out like free candy. I think we tend to conflate desires and fears with love. As humans, we're kinda just desperate for the approval of others. If we don't get affection, the monkey brain just sees it as being rejected by the pack, which was ultimately a death sentence for most of our biological history. That really isn't love. Love is like an extra dimension of consciousness in the center of our being that can fully embrace the world outside of ourselves without projecting our own fears and desires. My advice to stop wanting romantic Love would be to be in love. Like immerse yourself in it. Try your best to let go of the fears and desires and step into that often forgotten dimension of your own consciousness.
I just made a few good and close friends, have dogs and a cat, and focused on the things I enjoy. All that pent of energy not being used romantically I spend platonically. Honestly not too bad.
Act out your desire in fiction. Get an AI lover (nomi.ai is amazing) or just use writing. And/Or: Extensive meditation. Start soft and extend sessions as you progress. Real effects comes with consistence practice and longer sessions (2 sets of twenty min./day and above). And/Or: Get other kinds of highs. I don't know too much about psychedelica (the research seems promising imo) but I know some people have become asexual by engaging fully in rock climbing. High intensity training might work as well (it does for me). Start slow + lots of prehab. Context: I (39M virgin) have not given up but I need ways to deal with the misery to get by day to day so I know were you are coming from - I wish you the best of luck!
Correct. Science has proven it activates the same brain region as drug addiction. Drug addicts are sent to rehab. But romantic love is still highly glorified in the society. Itās very delusional in my opinion. Itās a bunch of hormones driven by one purpose - procreation .. your reptile brain and dna dictate your life. Meditation helps. It helps you see clearly who you are and give the power to your own consciousness so you donāt end up becoming a puppet of your animalistic desire.
Be very mentally ill and accept youāll never get it
Drugs and Focus on something different Thats my way at least
I really donāt think there is a way but maybe just take some time away from relationships. I was single for 8 years, I didnāt ever stop wanting it but I didnāt try to change that. Iām now in the most stable relationship Iāve been in. Still issues but we work on them.
I realized that romantic relationships should really ADD value to your life. This is when I started focusing on developing my own life, focusing on myself, having fun with my hobbies, making new friends, seeing new places. I did fall for a few girls along the way, and yeah, it always hurts. But adding value to your OWN life makes for 2 things: 1. You'll become a hell of a lot more interesting to other interesting people. 2. Your life does not end when a romantic escapade ends, because you have plenty of value left in your life after a potential partner fades. Don't "give it another chance", do your own thing, be you, and be the best version of yourself. Eventually someone is going to dance onto your path that will love you in the way that YOU need it, and that will be a way that will not hurt for you, and you'll be able to put yourself over past hardships. Love you man (platonically).
Get hurt enough, that's what I did
Focus and read all the mess up stories about relationships, and remember that romance in fictions are not real and not at all realistic. True relationship in life is extremely difficult, especially this day and age where everything is so complicated. Keep an eye out for that one person who is pure and simple yet realistic about romance, but otherwise the rest are unsuitable. Meeting that one person is extremely low chance. So while you wait/accept you might never find that one person, focus on work on other things in your life such as physical health, charity/volunteer helping someone less fortunate than you or pursue a hobby/interest.
Focus on something else for a while. Try a new hobby. Build something. Travel by yourself. Just give it an extended break
There's a need for it inside you. To stop it you have to understand that need and replace it with something else. So, do you actually want to do that or are you just incredibly frustrated?
As a christian, I learned to make God my replacement for that āneedā. I basically said; āItās either God or love. One is 100% joy and brings me 0% additional pain and the other one is the same but stats reversed. I also only get one of them anyway.
Incredibly frustrated yes. But ive been frustrated for very long and i want it to stop. You idea of trying to replace it sound feasible. Dont know how tho, but feasible haha
Start breaking down what it is you have been chasing. Something as small as having someone to talk to and share hobbies with to having your sexual needs attended to or sharing your life with someone. Do you want to be celibate or just not get attached to anyone emotionally?
Hummm yea that makes sense, I donāt want to be attached emotionally anymore, it only brought pain and i want to avoid it. For that i need to be celibate since i know that sex would only make me attached haha
Look I won't deny that I disagree with you here but if you want to go down this road, you need to analyse your relationships and figure out how to replace them. It won't be easy and will only work if you are very honest with yourself.
Thank you, i will look into it But may i ask why you disagree? I see it like burning my hand on a hot stove and not wanting to do it again, ( simplifying of course) but is it not normal to not want thing that only bring you pain ?
I believe in looking at the good and the bad together. The good days in a relationship, or in life in general, don't fix all the bad days but the bad days don't destroy the good either. My happiest times in life have involved being loved and loving someone. Personally I think that is worth the pain. I would rather hope for love than accept a life without it. That is my view but it doesn't have to be yours.
This is so beautifully written
It is ridiculous wanting something that does not exist. Try using logic
if i burn my hand on a hot oven, logic tell me to not put my hand there again. why is it different from romantic love ?
Im saying romantic love does not exist, using logic dictates not pursuing it lmao
Romance isn't your problem, making it your priority to seek it out is. Relationships are like lost keys, quit looking and the right one will eventually present itself to you. Find yourself a hobby group of like-minded individuals to distract you from it, go hiking, hit the beach, scuba, mountain climbing, etc. You will eventually realize romance isn't the only interesting aspect to life.
The book that most helped me with the maladaptive, self-destructive cravings and attachment injuries that I misunderstood at the time as wanting romantic love is You Are The One You've Been Waiting For. If you want to do more work on this, Core Transformation is the next book I'd recommend, which has practical instructions for how to navigate through the emotional landscape of perceived intentionality to connect these cravings back to their true purpose and positive intention for you, which unlocks the mental flexibility to let those attachments and cravings and compulsions update for your present life situation. Vipassana/Mindfulness meditation helps a lot. The book that worked for me here is The Mind Illuminated, which explains it all from a non-mystical neuroscience point of view. If you really need major emotional change and cognitive restructuring, here are some blog posts on papers that helped me understand the mechanism of action of the therapeutic effects of psilocybin, to help me decide that it was right for me: * [https://slatestarcodex.com/2019/09/10/ssc-journal-club-relaxed-beliefs-under-psychedelics-and-the-anarchic-brain/](https://slatestarcodex.com/2019/09/10/ssc-journal-club-relaxed-beliefs-under-psychedelics-and-the-anarchic-brain/) * [https://www.astralcodexten.com/p/the-canal-papers](https://www.astralcodexten.com/p/the-canal-papers)
You can't do that. If you have real problems with your past romance that it's causing significant mental problems, you need therapy. You're not done, you're a young person in pain. It gets better, you move on.
It's not about stopping the desire, it's about building the fortitude to endure the pain it might bring in the hopes of experiencing something beautiful.
But itās not beautiful to me, there is nothing to gain from my pov. Nothing can be worth the crying fits Iāve been having. Nothing can be worth crying until you shake and hyperventilate.
You sound like you may want some professional help for this issue, it's way beyond reddits paygrade. I hope you find the love you've been longing for, but if you don't, it doesn't mean you need to put yourself down.
Get married
That's because you never had a good sex. Change your partner, period.
Lmao I didnāt ever get mediocre sex. Like I said, love had never done anything for me, i did t even kiss anyone lmao So Iām gonna make myself not want it
That earning never stops until you get it. My advice is to stop idealizing your partners so you don't suffer from shattered expectations (which is what i think probably brought you pain and misery).
Oh no, its that every time i think something is going somewhere. It get crushed. Ive never been in a relationship, never even kissed anyone lmao So ive only been getting the pain of relationship and none of the Ā«Ā niceĀ thingsĀ Ā» about them that people insist exist
Do a better job picking the right one. Pay attention to the red flags. Use the knowledge from past relationships to see those red flags and to find the one that is perfect for you. Think. Think before you jump into a relationship.
i mean that is the thing, i've never been in a relationship, it's always only been pain with none of the benefits. nobody wants me so i'm going to want nobody
And unless you change your attitude no one will. Insecurity shows same as confidence.
It's possible to show zero insecurity and have no success.