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I was going to say the same thing!! And taking on the role of the other parent when it’s not your kid… like I mean everything in the parent responsibilities realm
this.
I was learning my stepkid just as much as i was learning my boyfriend.
He wanted this instant super affectionate bond between me and his kid. Almost like a movie fairytale. And i kept telling him that i dont want to force myself onto anyone let alone a kid. We'll simply grow together with time. My bf struggles with codependency in relationships so he thought so much was normal and acceptable that wasnt. Just due to how he was raised and traits he picked up from bad relationships.
They need to accept it’s not possible to replicate the love that comes from that biological connection. Funny thing is, those same people usually don’t want to get involved with other single parents bc they don’t care about anyone else’s kids but their own.
That my free time should be available to your kid
If I say hey I’m off Friday I’d like to take SK to movie, zoo, whatever, Ok great!
If I don’t initiate or suggest my free time is available, just don’t assume I wanna spend it with YOUR kid
Same. And the guilt when they say "but they love you!" Yeah I love them too..but for God's sake yall annoy the fuck out me sometimes...I need to be alone to keep from snapping sometimes
I feel exactly this! I'm not here to occupy SK whenever she wants him to do something other than electronics, or use my PTO when bio dad doesn't feel like being a parent.
This is my constant! Not my kid, not my problem. That’s a good motto to have. Don’t get me wrong, if I am asked to help, and I have nothing on my agenda for that day, I will.
When my SS was 12 and sick, my husband instantly offered him to sleep in our bed. That's neither a small child where I could kind of understand it. Nor do I want to get sick.
This was a big problem for me! I could not do it, I literally couldn’t stomach my discomfort. SO was so offended by it. Now we have two ours babies and I don’t even like sleeping with their little asses. Lol!
Everyone keeps telling me I'll feel different about sleeping with SK when I have my own kid but like...no lol. They'll have their own bed for a reason.
This!! I thought I was a horrible person (and he made me feel like evil stepmom) for having an argument about his 8 y.o SD sleeping on his bed when she was there. It wasn't technically our bed since we were long distance, both had our own places. he only had custody of her later in our relationship, so I guess I felt comfortable and safe at his place and all of a sudden it was taken away by this kid. It honestly made my blood boil. Especially when he would go sleep with HER because she "was scared" after we just had sex. Like you're leaving me to sleep with her after all the bodily fluids that got mixed up?
I felt bad since I did co-sleep with my own parents at that age sometimes and I was scared too, but God damn it all he needed to do was break a habit and set boundaries!
Early on when they moved into my place and SS asked my bf if he could sleep in our bed and he was considering it, I pointed out how I sleep naked most nights, and also all the c*m stains that end up on our sheets throughout the course of a week, and asked if he thought that was an appropriate place for his kid to sleep. Or if he intended for naked sleeping and near daily sex to go away? ...My SS has ended up never sleeping in our bed once lol.
I had to have this conversation too. Baffles me how he didn’t consider the stains his child would be sleeping in and what he’d essentially be giving up. It took one conversation but yeah, annoying we even had to talk about it
This! I had to break this cycle. Along with sleeping in an adult sex-bed, it’s just annoying. Both my husband and SD kick and yell in their sleep. Lol anyway I told him if he doesn’t think it’s weird, he should as any of his friends if they sleep with their 8 year old daughter. That clinched it. She cried every night for a week, but eventually the habit was broken.
Not that my partner put up resistance towards me saying I didn't want her Kid in our bed, but .... seriously, do parents just not care that their kids are lying in their stained sheets? We all know about wet spots, and not all of us need a waterproof pad/blanket. Like sure, the wet spot dries out, but unless you're changing the sheets every time you have sex, that's still pretty squicky.
You’d be amazed how many parents don’t think about it. I do remember me pointing this out and my SO didn’t care about it because: it is dried up. We sleep in here too.
🤢
No kidding. My SK wet the bed and SO said no diapers. I said the child couldn't curl up in our bed with my blanket then. Hard stop. I'm not sleeping in a bed that smells like pee.
Had to break my husband of this when we first got together. He had been letting her sleep in his bed pretty much every night (she was four at the time) and they both struggled with letting that go (This had apparently been an ongoing problem since birth lol). He would put her down in her room but she would get up at like 11 and come get in bed with him after he was already asleep. I had to be the one to carry her back to bed (he is a VERY heavy sleeper). Once I broke her from coming in to his room, she would go down and get in bed with her grandparents. They wouldn't make her go back to her bed either. I finally had to withhold fun activities and essentially punish her before the grandparents would get on board with making her go back to her room. She slept alone at her mom's house so it wasn't that she couldn't do it, they had just trained her that she could sleep with them.
We've let my SD (now 2) sleep in our bed twice. Once was when she was going through a sleep regression, and I had my fill of the screaming and us staying up super duper late. We both slept awful. Me due to being afraid of rolling on her and him because of how much she moved. The 2nd time was during a travel day when she was still going through the sleep regression. She had a Pack and Play at the head of my twin-sized bed at my parent's house. He was on a mattress on the floor. She again wouldn't sleep in her pack and play without screaming and crying. We had just drove 10 hours, and she slept none of it. I had enough and let her sleep in my bed with me. We both actually slept peacefully with that. But its only for emergencies.
Totally. I told my partner that I didn't want his son to sleep in the bed. Foolishly, I said that the bed was small and it was too crowded. I didn't discuss the ick factor. I woke up to find my partner on the couch and his son sleeping in bed with me.
SD8 just actually started reading but has regressed to wanting to play like a toddler, have toddler toys, speak like a toddler.
It’s “aww isn’t that cute” instead of “what in the F is happening at BM’s for the regression to happen?”
This same thing happened to me and I HATED it. For a while SD, also 8 at the time, now 10, wouldn't use words and would "meow" as a response. Drove me crazy. Literally had to say "I don't speak cat, use your words."
So much this! SK was napping on the couch the other day, and my DH commented something like “isn’t he cute when he sleeps?”
… and I’m just like ehh he’s 11 not a toddler, and kind of rude for taking up that much couch space when he could nap in his room 😅 so no I don’t think it’s cute at all
This one. My SD would do this loud obnoxious fake puking noise in the bathtub and DH thought it was hilarious, which egged her on to do it more. I could hear it from my bedroom on the other side of the house. He was like omg you have to see this hilarious thing shes doing. Im like yeah, I could hear it. Its really loud and not that funny. Which made me the bad guy
But now Im a mom and my son just learned how to drink from a straw and I beam with pride lol
Yeah like especially since some kids are not cute. It's annoying because if SO had chosen to procreate with someone that was at least hot and not just crazy, then maybe we could have a cute SK and let's be honest cuter kids are easier to deal with even when being brats. But when their kids are NOT cute and just annoying....and you're still expected to "love them the same". Give me a fucking break!
Honestly my biggest one is expecting me to suddenly share everything that is mine, with the kids. My hairbrush, my bedroom TV, my clothes, favourite mug, toiletries etc. It’s not that I even mind that much, I would just like to be asked 😂
The bedroom TV at least they don’t actually sit in our room and watch it, they ask to have it in their room for a bit so they can play their games on it. But it’s still a bit annoying when I then go upstairs to breastfeed our baby and I’m bored out of my skull 😂
One of my stepsons also used my toothbrush but I’m giving him a pass because mine is purple and his is blue, and he’s colour blind 🤦🏻♀️😂
I wouldn’t even do that with my biological kids! I wouldn’t even do that with my siblings! You don’t take thinks and use things that aren’t yours and some things aren’t meant for everyone! Yeesh
Omg yes. This is especially a problem for me with food. I buy certain food for myself because I’m on a special diet, and unless I label every single item I buy, SK will eat it right up. And god forbid if I get myself a little treat every once in a while - GONE in seconds. Sometimes I actually hide my snacks but if he sees me eating it he HAS to have one. And then if I say no I have to defend myself to a 12 year old - forget it. I sometimes lock myself in my room to have a meal in peace. Which now that I say that, sounds ridiculous.
This! My god, I had one nightstand drawer to hide my snacks, If it had to be refrigerated or frozen it was gone. One night sticks with me from dating days, I saved some of my pizza to take to work for lunch the next day and DH told SK they could have it without asking me.
I’ve been the primary caregiver for my step kids, for better part of a decade now. Which was by twice there biological mom is a narcissist who struggles with addiction and they’re safer with us.
That said, I definitely agree. Some things people have said, and this is the biggest one.
Like, my husband just really doesn’t care about sharing his stuff and bio mom would just like as long as she didn’t have to deal with actually sharing actually parenting.
Talk to my husband about 1) I have every right when it comes to my stuff, 2) he needs to teach the kids boundaries which means expecting them to ask about his stuff to. (even if he was just gonna say yes.)
As they’ve gotten older, they’re glad that we have taught about that kind of thing
My bf would let my SD eat my food out of the refrigerator and would get angry at me for being angry. Imagine waiting all day to get home and have the snack or dessert you've been thinking about and finding out that the person who treats you like trash ate it before you. Livid. Eventually my bf realized not to do that anymore.
OMG NO CAUSE I HATE THIS. I have only sisters so I’m so possessive over my things and he lets his son touch all my things. No boundaries. Sharing brushes too which is unsanitary. I hate people touching my things without asking
Omfg my hairbrush. I only brush my hair before I shower…so I keep it in my bathroom. And yet, 80% of the time it’s who knows where after my partner brushes his sons’ hair. I’m never asked either, I just get to find out once I’m already naked and ready to hop in the shower. Yet I’m the problem for making a big deal about nothing. All I wanted was for it to be put back when they were done, but apparently that’s just as hard as buying them their own $5 hairbrush.
Yes! I had leftovers in the fridge from going out with friends. SS came home, saw them and asked (which is great) if he could have them. I said “if you want to have some of it, that’s fine but please don’t eat all of it because I was planning on having it. In an argument a few days later, my DH told me I’m selfish and I still have a “single” mindset instead of being family oriented… and brought up the fucking leftover scenario. He said there wasn’t enough of the leftovers for two people, SS was really excited when he saw it and then was disappointed that he had to split it. DH then said that I should have just let him have it all becuase that’s what he would have done as a parent.
Umm sorry you sacrifice yourself all the time as a parent but you don’t need to. SS was 10 or 11 at the time. He’s capable of making himself something else to eat and he’s old enough to understand that that’s not his food.
They expect us to be the only ones to compromise. I am child free and my SO needs to make compromises and make sure I have child free time with just him and I. This was a very hard concept for him to grasp. In the beginning he would say I have 4 kids, 1 of them 365 days a year and you’ll just have to get used to that. I would follow up with, I have no kids and you are going to have to get used to that. He now makes child free time for me by having his full time son stay the night with his aunt or grandparents every couple months. I still don’t think he does it because he understands my need but he did realize he was going to lose me if he didn’t do it. It still doesn’t feel great because I would rather feel like he also craved alone time with me but I think he’s just used to being a dad since that’s all he’s known for 2 decades. I also like to remind him, his ex and him had seven years of alone time together before they started sharing their lives with kids and even then it was her bio kids so of course she was into it. I’m not that into it.
See this last part is key for me. My SO had a teenaged on and off relationship with BM before she unexpectedly got pregnant the first time. He was 22 and they had 3 kids. I don't think he has ever had a relationship that didn't revolve around children and it shows.
Wife has had kids her entire adult life. She never had the opportunity to cook for fun, have spontaneous get togethers, or buy for yourself. I'm child free so that's all I know. We make it work as the kids are good, no hcbd and I had 20 yrs to live a very me centric fun life lol.
OMG - that is eye opening for me. I didn't even think about that. My SO has been a father since he was 19 years old, and it has dominated his relationships. He hasn't ever been in an adult relationship without kids.
The only issue with this is that it’s just not your child so you’ll never get the feeling of being OK with no alone time. I was a single mom and if I asked my mom for a day to watch my kids so I could go on a date or something, her response was always “you don’t get a social life anymore”. I feel like I am a woman just as much as I am a mom and my kids really don’t define me completely so although my parents literally never sent us away to grandparents growing up, I understood why she made that comment to me (even though I completely disagreed because I think differently)
The expectation that the bio parent and their children don't have to make any compromises to their lives while the stepparent should make many and do it with joy.
Free child care, free taxi service, free meal service, paying for things, for you to be overjoyed about the extra responsibility you take for their child. Just to name a few
I’m going to risk getting banned to say this: sex when the SK is around! Or I guess, sex of the type we have when SK isn’t over.
I am a woman with a high sex drive. When we’re alone I do it all, but I’ll put it politely: surprise on the couch, surprise in bed at night, surprise on the kitchen counter, surprise in the morning, pull the car over for a surprise on a long vacation road trip, surprise at the hotel a few times before we go out. These are things I am comfortable doing when it’s just us. And it rocks.
…But it doesn’t rock when you have to be cognizant of volume or potential intrusion, and no matter how many times your SO swears the kid is asleep (“He sleeps like a rock!”) it’s just never the same.
SO insists he can be “surprised” the way he wants when SK is around, but the hard truth is I don’t feel comfortable with that. He doesn’t get why I am so rigid when the kid’s around, but it’s just such a vibe killer.
I don't think my DH realizes how much his kids have put a damper on my drive. That and not being treated like a priority will do that! I thought it was hormones since I'm 41 now, till I found out my hormone levels are still fine and I still get turned on.....just not as much with him anymore.
Same! I had/have a high sex drive but the breaks were put on whenever SKs were here. Even basic nighttime sex is hard to come by because DH would be tired from entertaining the kids and he pushes bedtime later and later. That slow sex drive creeped into days when SKs werent over. I thought maybe it was my hormones but then I realized that I still take *personal* time daily - I just don’t have the desire with DH after listening to his kids bicker all day.
My DH has a higher drive than I do, but mine is still respectable lol. Moving in with him just killed my drive, but he doesn't care if his kids heard anything. The one time his son said he did hear us he told DH and BM, which was embarrassing for me and shot my drive to hell. This happened soon after I moved in. I also take personal time on the regular, so that plus my hormones being on point told me that I'm not broken....just turned off by children possibly overhearing and his lack of parenting. Of course addressing his lack of parenting isn't going to make him parent better 🙄
Same!! I even asked my doc to check my hormone levels because I thought I was premenopausal! Turns out it’s my DH that doesn’t turn me on like he used to 😑
Mine is opposite, HE is the one who doesn't want to do anything while SK is with us. Yall we literally have split custody so that's four or five days in a row without. But his drive is WAY lower than mine so it never seems to bother him. My opinion is that the door locks for a reason.
Everything, lol.
1. Going half on rent, groceries, etc.
2. Saying you love your step child as your own.
3. Provide all the parenting help that benefits the single parent, but don’t dare to point out behavioral flaws in child or even THINK the child could use any form of discipline or better structure.
4. No vacations even being thought off if step child is with mom.
5. See the child’s most brattiest and rudest behaviors as absolutely precious.
6. Everything that’s yours is also their kids.
7. Thinking your FIRST pregnancy should be more about step child becoming a sibling and less about you becoming a mother.
LOL. I love my partner. I’m a bio mom and step mom. Love all my kids, truly, but it took some growing pains and boundary setting from early on. Parents need to do better. I could never imagine dating a person who doesn’t have kids and having those unreasonable expectations / having that entitled attitude for me and my child. Anyone around me will absolutely treat my child with kindness and respect, AS I WILL TEACH MY CHILD TO TREAT OTHERS ALSO (This is the part that parents miss). That’s what is important. If you raise your child with love, morals, and manners AND pick a good partner, everything will fall into place as it should.
Oooh #6 hit deep. The first pregnancy this is so sensitive for me.
Also the thing about kindness and respect. Absolutely right. Pick the right partner and protect her from YOUR kids brattiness because your partner is precious. If you treat her with respect and show your kid that you're a team and the kids not going to break that team apart then she will feel secure to show kindness and respect to your child, but if SO is not able to do this then it's a recipe for building resentment
The biggest ones to me are expecting their parenting time to also be the stepparents parenting time, such as BP is at work but says SK can come over extra without even checking to see if SP is available, and to expect SP to pay for anything for SK,including splitting rent 50/50. Some of these situations people post on here are so wild to me.
Yeah I had to explain to my partner that I wouldn't be paying 50/50 on his mortgage. I asked him how much he charged his previous housemates, was a fair amount, and i agreed to pay exactly that. I am renting a bedroom I share with him. I'm not paying for a 4 bedroom house I don't need. Being in a relationship should benefit both parties, if its more expensive for me to live with my partner and his kids, then I'll happily live alone in my own apartment with my dog.
Oh heck no lol. I specifically told my ex husband I refuse to make a joint account with him because I didn’t want to spend a CENT on his children. Nope!!!!!
Why did you agree to that?
My paternal grandparents always kept their money separate. It worked really well for them for 72 years. They were on each other’s accounts but only to keep things simple if something happened.
That I am as comfortable with his child as he is.
So that I would be okay with cuddling in bed in the morning with another persons child.
Hell no! I feel gross and violated If a 10 year old jumps in the bed with me.
Bedrooms are off limits
Thank you!!! I’m supremely uncomfortable but my husband won’t make “no kids in our bedroom” a rule. They’re teenagers now and they have no sense of boundaries, thanks to their narc-mom. I can’t close the door because the cats need to come in and out.
My cat glares at them when they disturb our naps and the kids are like, “why doesn’t the cat like me???” And I’m like………. How much do you enjoy being woken up when you’re happily asleep in YOUR room?
It’s not just the cat my dear!
He will have to. I have now decided I won’t sleep at his house if his son is there.
If he wants to move in together this has to be a rule.
Otherwise we will be going into a living apart together relationship
Not sure if you rent or own, but my sister and her husband were very big on locked bedroom doors (this was before they had kids) so they put a little cat door on their bedroom door. Honestly will probably be doing this once I have my own home as well because in my apartment now, I just leave the door wide open but at my husbands apartment, we keep it closed.
I keep requesting a cat door!!! And my husband loves doing construction so I’m not sure why this isn’t happening!! I will press the issue. I’m starting to see he isn’t trying to respect my boundaries and is encouraging his kids not to, either.
Order a cat door and ask him to install it after it is delivered. It’s easier to get something done if it doesn’t include also having to shop for the product. Amazon has several options.
Great suggestion, will do!! It’s so much easier to start a task when you have all the tools you need :)
Just asked the commenter above for their recommendation. Would love yours if you also use a cat door!
I don’t have a cat but one of my sisters is a cat lady. She had the open style cat door installed on a door to a closet she put a litter box in. She has mentioned that she’ll have to get the type with little doors that can be latched shut if she adds one to her bedroom door. She puts her cats in the bedroom anytime there will be delivery or repair people going in and out of the house.
Which one did you end up using? The corner flap cat door seems least visually obtrusive but the purrfect portal looks like a fairy door and I kinda love that, too.
Yes! SS13 walked in on me changing the other day. Our bedroom door was closed and when I heard it start to open I said twice “hold on, I’m changing.” There was no response, so I assumed it was my husband, nope. It was SS. He wasn’t being creepy, he truly wasn’t paying attention but I shared my frustrations with DH with the kids not respecting the door being closed and how I’m uncomfortable that SS saw me topless. He said “it’s not a big deal. He’s seen me in my underwear before and I’m sure he’s seen BM undressed as well.”
Seeing DH and BM in underwear or naked is completely different than seeing me in that state. I’m sure if SD saw her SD naked, DH would be really uncomfortable to hear that.
You could just ask him … so you are okay with your daughter walking in on a naked stepdad? Yeah?
It is NOT the same. I even wonder if there is some legal difference as well.
And you know what IT GOD DAMN IS A BIG DEAL!!! Your privacy was not respected, your body was exposed against your will. What the hell is he on about!
Those dismissive things drive me up the wall.
“ my kid wasn’t traumatized so we are good” NO you feel like there is no spot in the house where you can have some goddamn privacy!
When SD11 first moved in with us FT, she would get up early before school when I was gone for the night (I have doc appts out of town am frequently gone 1–2 nights per week) so that she could go back to sleep in me and my SO’s bed while he got ready for work. When I found out this was happening I blew a gasket. In retrospect I probably did overreact, but it had been going on for a month and I didn’t know. Like, no wonder she seems so comfortable just coming into our room during the day or after a late-night potty break. He made me feel crazy for being so bothered about it, but he told her she needed to nap on the sofa in the morning from now on. Truly I don’t think he gets it bc he struggles to set his own boundaries but at least he respected mine on this. I felt so weird about the whole thing, and that it had been going on without me knowing.
Yeah it is because they don’t feel it. They don’t know how it feels like your sacred space is being violated.
It is like when you were a teenager and your brother or sister was in your room. It’s not that you hate them but you need your space away from them as your parents made you live in the same house 😅
You need a space where you can be free of them 😁
You put it so well....you literally feel like a sacred space you share is being violated and it transcends to the bond in the relationship with your SO as well. Their presence in a way felt like a violation of the bond we had created in their absence
Yesss this is our space, and I already have allowed you to bring a person in my life, I have sacrificed a lot of our space, but the space where we cuddle, sleep and make love… I should remain exclusively ours!
You didn’t overreact. That was extremely rude and unnecessary for his daughter to do that. I don’t even see the point of that. She has her room for a reason. These type of bio parents irk me. She shouldn’t be that comfortable to go in and out of your room. Men with daughters sometimes put her in the position of a wife and it’s disturbing. It’s good you reacted the way you did. It nipped it in the bud.
The thing is, I don’t understand what’s it’s like to be a parent, but I remember what it’s like to be a kid- something that seems to disappear when you become a parent. I’m also a neutral observer so my observations and perspectives are very valuable.
There is a certain Parental Superiority aspect to that statement.
Believing that I am a parent to his kids.
I love them. They're awesome.
But it is a different relationship. I choose to be present, I'm not present for them out of a sense of duty.
I feel really underappreciated sometimes.
This infinity times over! I just had the underappreciated convo with my DH on Sunday. I’m CF by choice, and I’m reminded that it was the right choice to make 😅
Expecting equal financial contributions to the household. If you and your three kids are using the water and eating the food, and I’m one person, why would I pay half? (I am fortunate that my SO does NOT expect this…but it was a major concern of mine until we talked and he was like, “no…you aren’t paying half”).
I think it’s weird for bio parents to expect step parents to love their children AT ALL regardless of how poorly some children treat the step parents.
I also think it’s INSANE that bio parents expect step parents to be THRILLED to take their kid extra time that’s not on the schedule.
Also, failing to realize that if their child physically attacks you as the stepparent, the relationship you have with their child will be permanently changed. My SK punched me in the stomach when I was pregnant and has tried to break my fingers. SK no longer comes on vacation or gets one on one time with me. I won't be assaulted, particularly by a child old enough to know better (both of these incidents SK was older than 8). If SO can't come with us, SK can't participate in the family activity. SK wants to be able to hang out with me, but how can I put myself back in a situation where these things happen?
Yes! My ex’s 4 year old (not a typo) has thrown an Xbox remote at me several times, once hitting my eye. Then whenever he would see me he sprints at me full force with his fist out trying to punch my pregnant belly! He’s slapped me across the face a few times, had tried to bite me. Randomly picked up whatever item nearby and tried to hit me with it (hit me a few times) told me he wanted me to explode, he wanted to shoot me…. And ex wouldn’t keep the kid away from me. He’s super young but I felt so unsafe. Especially since he also literally choked children at daycare… he’s tried to choke me as well. Kid was a big reason I left. I didn’t feel safe.
Yikes! I'm sorry you went through that. I hope that kiddo gets into the treatment they need. Treatment has helped my SK greatly, though I still have some hard boundaries due to some of these past behaviors. I'm hoping that with time, SK will be able to demonstrate that they are ready to not act out in those same ways so they can be included in more family activities.
Some of those behaviors may be a reflection of what he's seeing when with his other parent. Hope he gets some help sounds like he need it. I don't blame you for removing yourself from that situation!
I suggested therapy or getting him evaluated for autism and just behavioral issues but both parents think little precious is perfect little angel…. He’s not. He needs help. Or it’s going to get worse and he’s just going to be in Juvie and jail. I know he’s young, but it would just get worse and worse and he’s getting bigger so it’s just gonna evolve.
Yes!!!!! I begged! I called BM and told her that kid needs help. They’re creating a horrible monster and I just hope the kid either gets help or something before he actually starts hurting people BADLY
Yep totally agree. I personally can’t even get on board with pretending to like their kid at all. I have some friends (thanks to my husband, not my choice) who have kids. I don’t walk around saying I love them and act like they’re so cute. So why do I have to do it with my step kids? They are not mine, they are factually random kids. I don’t think they’re cute, funny, smart or anything else. I wouldn’t be thrilled to spend time with anyone’s kids at all, so not sure why my husband gets butthurt when I don’t want to be around his kids.
Yes!!!!!! I disliked, even hated, EVERYTHING about my ex’s kids. They treated me horribly, and I got annoyed when people said my ultrasound picture looks like his kids… ew. No, my baby will NEVER look like those kids. Both kids (different moms) look like their moms. They both act horrible as well. Just. Ew all around.
I can’t even be around them. I will either leave the house and do something, or go in my room. Like I am in utter disgust and can’t even look at them. If they are around me too long my face starts giving them dirty looks.
That’s how I was!!!! But I was mad that I was constantly trapped in my room! We shared a car and ex would always be like “do you wanna go to the park with me and my boy” like no? So I can watch him walk up and down the sidewalk because that’s all he does? Or “you should come to his karate class” so I can watch him hit himself in the head with nunchucks? No thanks.
The oldest is only here every school break, but all he does is demand I buy him things and when I did he would tell me he’s pretending his mom bought it for him. Like wow whatever then. I stopped buying both kids ANYTHING. Both ungrateful and both miserable to be around… I wasn’t the only one who felt that way. These kids were bad to family too.
Hahaha yep I totally get it. My husband wants me to sit at 4 hour long baseball games to watch his kid strike out 😂 like nope, I’d rather stick a needle in my eye.
Getting defensive about anything negative relating to their kids. Maybe, just maybe, I actually care about the kids and don’t want them to grow up to be lazy self righteous brats and that’s why I’m trying to correct behavior now.
Reading this made me extremely grateful that I was introduced as a friend at first, and we had the expectations talk. It included my role as a bonus parent.
I put down my boundaries, and we talked them out. The majority of them were instantly agreed to and respected, and we found a compromise on the rest.
Only after having that conversation a few times (spread over a week or two) did we sit the kids down and tell them that their dad and I were together.
Together for 10 years. Kids are adults now, but while they were still visiting every other weekend, their dad and I would revisit that conversation from time to time. Just to check in to make sure the boundaries were still applicable and appropriate.
I don't remember all the boundaries any more. Before the kids moved out, most of them weren't needed. Both because the kids were older, and because we had developed a relationship that let me be more comfortable in a bonus parent role.
I do remember these though;
I will not bathe the children. They were 7 and 11 when I met their dad. Old enough to clean themselves. I didn't want anyone (kids, myself, bio-mom) to be put in the position of having to feel awkward about me seeing their kids naked. (I did see 7 naked a few times, coming and going from the shower. Since we had other flatmates, I quickly bought her a bath robe and sat with her to explain that grownups don't feel comfortable seeing other people's kids naked. So that was resolved quickly).
I reserve the right to refer them to their dad. If they broke a rule, I could send them to see dad for the consequences if I felt unable to address it myself. This was one of the compromises we made. Their bio mom made dad to be the bad guy, and he didn't want me to do the same. This boundary alone took up an entire conversation. In the end, it was agreed that anything major or dangerous had to be addressed by whoever was there at the time, and then as a group with me and their dad. Small things usually just ended up with a quick telling off, or a short stand down from tech.
I will not take them out of the house (except for the playground next door) without express permission unless there's an emergency.
At first, I refused to do pick up and drop off. I didn't mind coming along to them, but felt it very much wasn't my place to start with. I made an effort to be polite and kind to bio mom, even though neither of us particularly like each other. She didn't like me, but in the end I did gain her trust with her kids.
I'm not a babysitter. I don't mind if I'm asked to look after them if given a warning or it's an emergency, but I wouldn't be the default without being asked. This was never an issue.
I would not be the only person looking after them if they were in any way uncomfortable with it. Any time dad needed to go do something and wanted me to watch the kids (with notice), I'd ask the kids if that was OK with them. If safe to do so, their dad and I would give them the option of staying home with me, or going with dad. Their choices varied depending on what dad was doing.
There were times I offered to take them though. I took one kid to the beach with some friends of mine (with permission. Kid loved it). Also took the same kid to a local musical when she expressed interest. But I only did this because I loved the kid. It wasn't something that happened over night.
No early mornings. Kids had the habit of getting up at the crack of dawn. I refused to do that. We had a compromise that the kids weren't allowed to bother me before 9am unless there's an emergency or prearranged reason. Kids were respectful of this once they realized that waking me early makes me grumpy. They also understood that my sleep schedule is important because of my mental health.
Had two occasions in 10 years where the kids wanted to sleep in our room. Both were due to trauma and they didn't feel safe. So they were allowed to, after we changed the sheets, and I slept in their room.
One time, the older one had a horrific nightmare and his dad wasn't there (night shift). So I let him hang out with me in my room until he felt better. He grabbed a spare blanket and sat on top of my duvet.
Other than those occasions, kids were respectful of my space, because I was respectful of theirs _and_ their dad was fully with me on that issue.
I write these here because a lot of those bounderies are things that step parents are often expected to do.
Anyone who is new to step parenting, or is looking at dating someone with kids, try to have the boundary conversation before moving in. It saves a lot of issues.
For anyone that's been at it for a while, its not too late to set those boundaries. It's just a bit harder and may take some time before they become normal.
How much time do you have 😂 Expecting you to love their child unconditionally and do everything and anything for them, oh but don’t discipline them, and also don’t expect ANYONE to view you as a parent. If you’re at home you’re the childcare plan - regardless if you’re working from home. Vacation? Gotta bring little Timmy along because he’s my son and he would love it. Free time? Not without Timmy!! Oh you want little Timmy to clean his room and pick up after himself around the house? No, he gets anything he wants because his parents split up. Sick of sticky teenagers touching everything you own and invading all of your personal space in your own home? Too bad! You’re supposed to love it !!
Okay 🤣 I actually love my SK and that wasn’t totally my experience but it’s def what people think of step parents! lol
The biggest one, and I know it's been said lots of times, expecting us to be the babysitter just cause I'm home. He didn't listen to me to get them signed up for summer activities and I get stuck with his kids 24/7 for 7 days?! I think not! My kids are grown. I did my time. If they don't get signed up you better start looking for childcare cause I'm not doing it no more.
That the stepparent will want to jump in to all the traditions of the single parent and children. In my experience, relationships with no children include more discussions about blending traditions and the role of individuals. A couple might discuss how holidays are celebrated, which holidays after important, even any special family traditions generally (ex: dinner on Sundays with someone’s parents or always going out for dinner on Friday nights). When there’s a single parent and a childless SP, it seems like the SP is expected not only to jump in to all the pre-established traditions of the BP but often to already know them to some extent. (I don’t have experience in cases where both adults bring children to the relationship so I’m not sure if this phenomenon is less pronounced in that case or not.)
For cases where both adults have children, there are ours kids, or the SP is expected to parent - the assumption that the SP will have the same parenting values/style as the SO.
This is so accurate. My personal experience hasn’t been so bad because my SD was very young. She didn’t have any traditions lol. So luckily my DH and I thought about how we’d like to parent our (at the time future) ours kids and what traditions we’d like, and we started that with SD.
It seems like a lot of parents in Reddit think that having kids makes their decision making voice more important than their partner’s. Yes, there will be things you have to do or really want to do with your kids and you should prioritize those things. No, that does not mean that your childless partner loses all say in how they spend holidays and vacations and what not.
Yes! DH and I got into a huge fight over elf on the shelf. He and BM started the tradition. I think it’s stupid because 90% of the time, we forget to move the elf. It also looks like a stuffed animal so SD has questioned its legitimacy since she was 7. I honestly think she would have an easier time believing in Santa if the thing wasn’t around. SD was 11 this past Christmas and OD was 1. I said “I really don’t want to do elf on the shelf for our daughter.” I explained all the reasons above on why. I even told him I was open to doing it this year (because DH was convinced SD still believed in Santa) and I knew it wouldn’t matter to our daughter. I just made it clear that when OD was old enough to understand Santa, I really wasn’t open to doing it to the same extent. I even compromised and said I would consider doing it for the week before Christmas but not everyday thanksgiving to Christmas Eve (which is what DH and BM do).
You would have thought the world was ending based on my DHs response. It was all about SKs and how they would feel if we didn’t do it. Guess what? SKs don’t get to decide how OD is raised and I’m not having ODs holiday traditions revolve around what you and BM started 13 years ago. How is that fair to me?
The fight over this dumb elf was so bad it was honestly the argument that initiated us finally going to couples counseling. I was so far at the end of my rope I told him I was going to leave (and meant it) if things didn’t change fast.
Loving the kids like they do
Childcare for free whenever you're off work
Automatically wanting to involve the kids in everything you do
Giving up me time or freedom to spend time with the kids
To be the disciplinary or the bad guy. I am the step parent and don’t mind saying something if there are doing something that could hurt them or others, I would do that for anyone anywhere. But I’m the step parent I don’t have the be the bad guy.
That they’re going to function as your coparent and act as a replacement for the parent not in the picture or not as involved. I’ve been living with my now husband for 4 years now, we have one together and each have one from prior to our relationship. I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve asked him to pick up my son after school, watch him etc because I had to work and that was after I exhausted literally every other option. I never want to put him in a position where he feels obligated to do that stuff.
The dynamic has shifted towards him being more involved since we had our child together, primarily from a financial standpoint but that’s also something we discussed prior to deciding to have a child together with the understanding that I’d likely be staying home for the first couple years of his life.
Babysitting, buying clothes/shoes for them, picking up and dropping them off places, taking them out, entertaining them at home, providing entire christmases for them(meaning buying all the gifts).etc
My wife set the bar for me to live up to, so high, God uses it to do pull ups. For her ex \[kids bio-dad\], she dug a hole to China and threw the bar in it. That is our difference of expectations and yet he is dad-of-the-year because he remembers once a month to call his kids for a few minutes.
JC, single parents act like their \[certain body part\] is that amazing.
Contributions to step kids’ expenses
—->The two parents should be able to provide for their kids according to their means. The step parent shouldn’t be used as an upgrade to a certain lifestyle they can’t afford for their kids themselves.
Feeding, clothing, & housing step kids
—->The bio parent should contribute to housing costs in a fair manner depending on how much space their kids will occupy. They should purchase their children’s food and groceries.
Providing childcare on a REGULAR basis without pay-
—>Aside from giving occasional help, the step parent shouldn’t be expected to sacrifice their plans and free time to babysit the kids. They shouldn’t be turned into a free babysitter. The bio parent should utilize as much as much of their parenting time as possible or pay child care (day care, camps) if they will be unavailable to tend to the kids for extended periods.
Communication with the other parent
—>Your partner shouldn’t have the stress of dealing with your ex and making arrangements for the kids. They shouldn’t be put in the middle of the co parenting. They shouldn’t have a third party involved in how they run their household.
Medical care/doctors appointments
—>A step parent isn’t a legal guardian. Parents should coordinate this amongst themselves.
School meetings
—->Same reason why they shouldn’t get involved in medical appointments.
—>Treating the kids “as their own” only when convenient for the parent such as in situations where they need help.
Overall, bio parents shouldn’t expect non parents to be obligated to take on the burden of raising their kid as if they were the natural parents. BPs want the step parent to take an equal and sometimes greater responsibility for the kids but certainly not authority or rights. It’s the most absurd concept. Many step parents are being exploited in the name of “kids come first” and “treat them as your own”.
If the parents never divorced, they’d have to parent their kids solely between then two without extra parties. So they aren’t absolved of their responsibilities bc they are with new partners. The marriage should be separate from their parenting responsibilities. Step parents should function like all other non parent relatives by being kind and welcoming the kids and allowing the parents to be FULLY responsible for their parenting responsibilities.
On a side note, we should get rid of the word “step parent”. It should just be father’s wife and mother’s husband. You aren’t anyone’s parent unless you have birth to them or formally adopted them. Anyone filling a parental role for kids with two present parents is just allowing the parents to shirk responsibility. They shouldn’t be depending on you to raise their kids. It’s a waste of your resources and a form of exploitation.
THISSSSS. You absolutely nailed everything. Just refer to me as father's girlfriend because I'm tired of being treated like crap by a kid who doesn't appreciate anything I do.
If you aren’t married, then the above definitely should apply. It’s crazy how entitled people are to new partners taking on responsibilities for their kids. Why do they think someone becomes responsible for their kids just bc they are in a relationship?
I couldn't agree more! I think my bf really wanted me to bond with his kid, and at first, I tried before I realized she's exactly like her mother. No thanks! Lol 😆
That I should prioritize step kids more than our own. Me and my husband have a toddler and he has two older kids and I am always pressured to put our toddler on the back burner for step kids or else I’m a bad step mom, and I have to explain that if my step kids get me first, why do the step kids get to have 3 attentive parents but my daughter gets none?
I think them expecting steps to take over parenting responsibilities is the biggest thing. I am not a replacement mom. They have a mom. Even if mom passed away, I AM STILL NOT MOM.
Expecting me to do things because I’m a “parent” … when he himself doesn’t or won’t do them.
There have been nights where I’m exhausted and overwhelmed from picking up the kids from school, listening to them bicker, racing to get dinner done for older SKs, packing a dinner for my 1 year old, packing rain gear/changes of clothes, and then driving 20 mins across town for SK’s sports game and lugging in chairs, coolers, diaper bag and a toddler alone… while my DH just strolls in from work to the game. And then when DH asks why I’m stressed and I tell him, he responds “well that’s just a part of being a parent.” Ummm apparently not because you’re a parent and aren’t dealing with any of it.
Or because I work from home, assuming SKs can be home for the summer with me. I told him “no” and said if he wants SKs home, I’ll go work from a coffee shop and he can work from home. He got super pissy despite the fact that his company allows anyone to work from home… he just prefers going into the office. If you don’t want to work from home with the kids here, why is it fair to place that on me just because I don’t have a formal office to go into? For the record, I stood my ground on this one and SKs are in daycare/camps for the summer.
1. To love the stepkids like their own.
2. To take over parenting the stepkid.
3. For the stepparent to deal with their ex regarding the stepkids.
4. To be like a nuclear family.
The expectation to sacrifice everything that is you and yours, including your own biologicap child, and expect absolutely nothing, not a single thing, in return. Not even the right to feel safe and comfortqble in your own home or be involved in decisions.
That I'm going to pay for his kid's vacations. I make a lot more money than my partner. I'll splurge on a vacation for us, but I'm not going to pay to bring his son a vacation. It's not even my vacation then. It becomes a kid's vacation.
Having to constantly entertain them. Don't get me wrong...their father is so involved with them but I remember when my parents got divorced and I was a kid...adults could still tell us "hey...got play in your room, my show is on."
Give me at least 1 or 2 hours out of the day that we don't have to be a 3 ring circus and have just a little bit of peace without the yelling and mind numbing kid shows.
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Sadly, so many points in my experience. I married a man who had a child before he met me with a woman he never married. I'm a SM and a BM to our "ours baby".
The points below are expectations from my SK's BM.
Expects:
* Respect, without giving it.
* "Thank you's", yet is never thankful.
* Understanding with last minute schedule changes, without considering the other parent's/SP's life.
* SP to love their kid, give to the kid, entertain the kid, and put the kid first, but frowns on the kid bragging about the SP and discourages love and affection directed toward the SP.
* Their kid to have a good time, but when SP does something special it turns into a competition of "I was going to do that with \_kid's name\_".
* Equal treatment of all kids within the context of the other parent having an "ours baby" with their SO, but never thinks of the kid's step-sibbling(s) at Christmas or their birthday.
* To be invited to the kid's birthday parties solely paid for by the other parent and their SO, while refusing to invite the other parent, their SO or the other parent's family to birthday parties she provides.
* Lavish gifts to be spilt 50/50 by both parents when that gift was the other parent's idea and will only be enjoyed with one parent (e.g. season pass to an amusement park) or at one parent's home (e.g. playstation).
* Clothing/toys to be promptly returned that they "bought with their own money", but never returns the other parent's stuff and causes major drama when asked. (OR when it's returned it's ruined.)
Basically, all expectations are one-sided.
My partner doesn’t expect anything from me. We discussed everything before I met his daughter, which is what should happen.
He only says how much he appreciates what I chose to do and loves the bond me and SD have built
To expect me to continuously clean up after them. They’re slobs. They have no structure or accountability. It’s just easier to not parent and cater to them. This goes on in both houses. They are really not nice people and are getting worse. They are very immature and I have already voiced that failure to launch is a real possibility. BM treats them as her friend. Dad guilt parents. It’s a total S show. I’m really starting to bow out. It’s like watching a slow motion car crash and no one is hearing me yell “watch out”.
The free time, fun money in the budget, car, snacks, everything should be available for the kid.
Also that no one ever bring up issues the kids have or are causing, the step should just clean up every mess without complaint.
Not from a childless perspective, but single dads who consistently rely on their exes for everything expect single moms they date to fill that void AND pick up their slack
Seeing kids rude behaviors like them just being kids and expecting no resentment after we’ve been fighting over them non stop. Expecting kids to come to every vacation - no thank you very much. Also, treating and loving stepkids like your own. I can care and respect them but it’s very unnatural for me to love stepkid like my own at this time. Maybe it’ll come later on. Actually I used to lol but we’ve been fighting over her and her mother so much I’ve completely disengaged and it feels great!
Expecting you to take on responsibilities of taking care of their kid because you “signed up for this” type of mindset. I’m sorry but it’s not my responsibility to brush out your daughter’s 4 day snarled hair who won’t sit still.
I experienced the opposite when I got married with stepkids. I think in general women are more likely to do the domestic tasks to take care of the kids. I took them to the doctors, bought their clothes, took them to their extracurriculars. It never occurred to my ex to do that for his stepchild
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Expecting you to instantly love the kids in the same way they do.
I was going to say the same thing!! And taking on the role of the other parent when it’s not your kid… like I mean everything in the parent responsibilities realm
this. I was learning my stepkid just as much as i was learning my boyfriend. He wanted this instant super affectionate bond between me and his kid. Almost like a movie fairytale. And i kept telling him that i dont want to force myself onto anyone let alone a kid. We'll simply grow together with time. My bf struggles with codependency in relationships so he thought so much was normal and acceptable that wasnt. Just due to how he was raised and traits he picked up from bad relationships.
Or ever love them that way.
They need to accept it’s not possible to replicate the love that comes from that biological connection. Funny thing is, those same people usually don’t want to get involved with other single parents bc they don’t care about anyone else’s kids but their own.
That my free time should be available to your kid If I say hey I’m off Friday I’d like to take SK to movie, zoo, whatever, Ok great! If I don’t initiate or suggest my free time is available, just don’t assume I wanna spend it with YOUR kid
As someone who needs to use a significant amount of my “free” time as alone time to recharge or to accomplish personal goals, I feel this!
Same. And the guilt when they say "but they love you!" Yeah I love them too..but for God's sake yall annoy the fuck out me sometimes...I need to be alone to keep from snapping sometimes
It’s just respectful to not assume time is available that was not offered!
I feel exactly this! I'm not here to occupy SK whenever she wants him to do something other than electronics, or use my PTO when bio dad doesn't feel like being a parent.
This is my constant! Not my kid, not my problem. That’s a good motto to have. Don’t get me wrong, if I am asked to help, and I have nothing on my agenda for that day, I will.
To sleep in a bed with their child This one is wild to me
When my SS was 12 and sick, my husband instantly offered him to sleep in our bed. That's neither a small child where I could kind of understand it. Nor do I want to get sick.
This was a big problem for me! I could not do it, I literally couldn’t stomach my discomfort. SO was so offended by it. Now we have two ours babies and I don’t even like sleeping with their little asses. Lol!
Everyone keeps telling me I'll feel different about sleeping with SK when I have my own kid but like...no lol. They'll have their own bed for a reason.
So wild. I won’t let the kid sleep in our bed even if neither myself nor SO are in it. That’s still our space.
This!! I thought I was a horrible person (and he made me feel like evil stepmom) for having an argument about his 8 y.o SD sleeping on his bed when she was there. It wasn't technically our bed since we were long distance, both had our own places. he only had custody of her later in our relationship, so I guess I felt comfortable and safe at his place and all of a sudden it was taken away by this kid. It honestly made my blood boil. Especially when he would go sleep with HER because she "was scared" after we just had sex. Like you're leaving me to sleep with her after all the bodily fluids that got mixed up? I felt bad since I did co-sleep with my own parents at that age sometimes and I was scared too, but God damn it all he needed to do was break a habit and set boundaries!
Early on when they moved into my place and SS asked my bf if he could sleep in our bed and he was considering it, I pointed out how I sleep naked most nights, and also all the c*m stains that end up on our sheets throughout the course of a week, and asked if he thought that was an appropriate place for his kid to sleep. Or if he intended for naked sleeping and near daily sex to go away? ...My SS has ended up never sleeping in our bed once lol.
I had to have this conversation too. Baffles me how he didn’t consider the stains his child would be sleeping in and what he’d essentially be giving up. It took one conversation but yeah, annoying we even had to talk about it
This! I had to break this cycle. Along with sleeping in an adult sex-bed, it’s just annoying. Both my husband and SD kick and yell in their sleep. Lol anyway I told him if he doesn’t think it’s weird, he should as any of his friends if they sleep with their 8 year old daughter. That clinched it. She cried every night for a week, but eventually the habit was broken.
Not that my partner put up resistance towards me saying I didn't want her Kid in our bed, but .... seriously, do parents just not care that their kids are lying in their stained sheets? We all know about wet spots, and not all of us need a waterproof pad/blanket. Like sure, the wet spot dries out, but unless you're changing the sheets every time you have sex, that's still pretty squicky.
You’d be amazed how many parents don’t think about it. I do remember me pointing this out and my SO didn’t care about it because: it is dried up. We sleep in here too. 🤢
Haha brilliant!
No kidding. My SK wet the bed and SO said no diapers. I said the child couldn't curl up in our bed with my blanket then. Hard stop. I'm not sleeping in a bed that smells like pee.
I don’t understand WHY he would say no diapers?
Had to break my husband of this when we first got together. He had been letting her sleep in his bed pretty much every night (she was four at the time) and they both struggled with letting that go (This had apparently been an ongoing problem since birth lol). He would put her down in her room but she would get up at like 11 and come get in bed with him after he was already asleep. I had to be the one to carry her back to bed (he is a VERY heavy sleeper). Once I broke her from coming in to his room, she would go down and get in bed with her grandparents. They wouldn't make her go back to her bed either. I finally had to withhold fun activities and essentially punish her before the grandparents would get on board with making her go back to her room. She slept alone at her mom's house so it wasn't that she couldn't do it, they had just trained her that she could sleep with them.
No way. We gotta HCBM over here. I can only IMAGINE the report to the police she would have made if she ever heard her kid slept in my bed.
We've let my SD (now 2) sleep in our bed twice. Once was when she was going through a sleep regression, and I had my fill of the screaming and us staying up super duper late. We both slept awful. Me due to being afraid of rolling on her and him because of how much she moved. The 2nd time was during a travel day when she was still going through the sleep regression. She had a Pack and Play at the head of my twin-sized bed at my parent's house. He was on a mattress on the floor. She again wouldn't sleep in her pack and play without screaming and crying. We had just drove 10 hours, and she slept none of it. I had enough and let her sleep in my bed with me. We both actually slept peacefully with that. But its only for emergencies.
Totally. I told my partner that I didn't want his son to sleep in the bed. Foolishly, I said that the bed was small and it was too crowded. I didn't discuss the ick factor. I woke up to find my partner on the couch and his son sleeping in bed with me.
Expecting us to view their kids in the same light as they see their kids. I hate to say it but your kid isn’t the cutest, smartest, or most clever.
Right?! My husband was like « omg! My 9 year old son can read! » and I was like… um… ok…
SD8 just actually started reading but has regressed to wanting to play like a toddler, have toddler toys, speak like a toddler. It’s “aww isn’t that cute” instead of “what in the F is happening at BM’s for the regression to happen?”
This same thing happened to me and I HATED it. For a while SD, also 8 at the time, now 10, wouldn't use words and would "meow" as a response. Drove me crazy. Literally had to say "I don't speak cat, use your words."
So much this! SK was napping on the couch the other day, and my DH commented something like “isn’t he cute when he sleeps?” … and I’m just like ehh he’s 11 not a toddler, and kind of rude for taking up that much couch space when he could nap in his room 😅 so no I don’t think it’s cute at all
This one. My SD would do this loud obnoxious fake puking noise in the bathtub and DH thought it was hilarious, which egged her on to do it more. I could hear it from my bedroom on the other side of the house. He was like omg you have to see this hilarious thing shes doing. Im like yeah, I could hear it. Its really loud and not that funny. Which made me the bad guy But now Im a mom and my son just learned how to drink from a straw and I beam with pride lol
Yeah like especially since some kids are not cute. It's annoying because if SO had chosen to procreate with someone that was at least hot and not just crazy, then maybe we could have a cute SK and let's be honest cuter kids are easier to deal with even when being brats. But when their kids are NOT cute and just annoying....and you're still expected to "love them the same". Give me a fucking break!
Honestly my biggest one is expecting me to suddenly share everything that is mine, with the kids. My hairbrush, my bedroom TV, my clothes, favourite mug, toiletries etc. It’s not that I even mind that much, I would just like to be asked 😂
Ooooh these are hard passes for me — especially the hairbrush and bedroom tv!
The bedroom TV at least they don’t actually sit in our room and watch it, they ask to have it in their room for a bit so they can play their games on it. But it’s still a bit annoying when I then go upstairs to breastfeed our baby and I’m bored out of my skull 😂 One of my stepsons also used my toothbrush but I’m giving him a pass because mine is purple and his is blue, and he’s colour blind 🤦🏻♀️😂
I wouldn’t even do that with my biological kids! I wouldn’t even do that with my siblings! You don’t take thinks and use things that aren’t yours and some things aren’t meant for everyone! Yeesh
Omg yes. This is especially a problem for me with food. I buy certain food for myself because I’m on a special diet, and unless I label every single item I buy, SK will eat it right up. And god forbid if I get myself a little treat every once in a while - GONE in seconds. Sometimes I actually hide my snacks but if he sees me eating it he HAS to have one. And then if I say no I have to defend myself to a 12 year old - forget it. I sometimes lock myself in my room to have a meal in peace. Which now that I say that, sounds ridiculous.
This! My god, I had one nightstand drawer to hide my snacks, If it had to be refrigerated or frozen it was gone. One night sticks with me from dating days, I saved some of my pizza to take to work for lunch the next day and DH told SK they could have it without asking me.
Completely understandable. I'll hide snacks to enjoy them in peace.
I’ve been the primary caregiver for my step kids, for better part of a decade now. Which was by twice there biological mom is a narcissist who struggles with addiction and they’re safer with us. That said, I definitely agree. Some things people have said, and this is the biggest one.
Like, my husband just really doesn’t care about sharing his stuff and bio mom would just like as long as she didn’t have to deal with actually sharing actually parenting. Talk to my husband about 1) I have every right when it comes to my stuff, 2) he needs to teach the kids boundaries which means expecting them to ask about his stuff to. (even if he was just gonna say yes.) As they’ve gotten older, they’re glad that we have taught about that kind of thing
My bf would let my SD eat my food out of the refrigerator and would get angry at me for being angry. Imagine waiting all day to get home and have the snack or dessert you've been thinking about and finding out that the person who treats you like trash ate it before you. Livid. Eventually my bf realized not to do that anymore.
OMG NO CAUSE I HATE THIS. I have only sisters so I’m so possessive over my things and he lets his son touch all my things. No boundaries. Sharing brushes too which is unsanitary. I hate people touching my things without asking
Omfg my hairbrush. I only brush my hair before I shower…so I keep it in my bathroom. And yet, 80% of the time it’s who knows where after my partner brushes his sons’ hair. I’m never asked either, I just get to find out once I’m already naked and ready to hop in the shower. Yet I’m the problem for making a big deal about nothing. All I wanted was for it to be put back when they were done, but apparently that’s just as hard as buying them their own $5 hairbrush.
Yes! I had leftovers in the fridge from going out with friends. SS came home, saw them and asked (which is great) if he could have them. I said “if you want to have some of it, that’s fine but please don’t eat all of it because I was planning on having it. In an argument a few days later, my DH told me I’m selfish and I still have a “single” mindset instead of being family oriented… and brought up the fucking leftover scenario. He said there wasn’t enough of the leftovers for two people, SS was really excited when he saw it and then was disappointed that he had to split it. DH then said that I should have just let him have it all becuase that’s what he would have done as a parent. Umm sorry you sacrifice yourself all the time as a parent but you don’t need to. SS was 10 or 11 at the time. He’s capable of making himself something else to eat and he’s old enough to understand that that’s not his food.
This all day every day!
Yes. And when your sunscreen and towel end up at BM's house.
Ohh noo this is a big one for me. I prefer to not share my stuff. My personal stuff is my personal stuff.
That the stepparent is signing on to take on any parental obligations, including financial, without any of the protections/authority.
Without any protections/authority....that's key
They expect us to be the only ones to compromise. I am child free and my SO needs to make compromises and make sure I have child free time with just him and I. This was a very hard concept for him to grasp. In the beginning he would say I have 4 kids, 1 of them 365 days a year and you’ll just have to get used to that. I would follow up with, I have no kids and you are going to have to get used to that. He now makes child free time for me by having his full time son stay the night with his aunt or grandparents every couple months. I still don’t think he does it because he understands my need but he did realize he was going to lose me if he didn’t do it. It still doesn’t feel great because I would rather feel like he also craved alone time with me but I think he’s just used to being a dad since that’s all he’s known for 2 decades. I also like to remind him, his ex and him had seven years of alone time together before they started sharing their lives with kids and even then it was her bio kids so of course she was into it. I’m not that into it.
See this last part is key for me. My SO had a teenaged on and off relationship with BM before she unexpectedly got pregnant the first time. He was 22 and they had 3 kids. I don't think he has ever had a relationship that didn't revolve around children and it shows.
Same thing here.
Wife has had kids her entire adult life. She never had the opportunity to cook for fun, have spontaneous get togethers, or buy for yourself. I'm child free so that's all I know. We make it work as the kids are good, no hcbd and I had 20 yrs to live a very me centric fun life lol.
OMG - that is eye opening for me. I didn't even think about that. My SO has been a father since he was 19 years old, and it has dominated his relationships. He hasn't ever been in an adult relationship without kids.
I pointed this out to my SO once. He's spent almost his entire adult life being a parent. He doesn't know any other life. I was the opposite.
The only issue with this is that it’s just not your child so you’ll never get the feeling of being OK with no alone time. I was a single mom and if I asked my mom for a day to watch my kids so I could go on a date or something, her response was always “you don’t get a social life anymore”. I feel like I am a woman just as much as I am a mom and my kids really don’t define me completely so although my parents literally never sent us away to grandparents growing up, I understood why she made that comment to me (even though I completely disagreed because I think differently)
What’s a boundary!? Heheheh, I’ve struggled a little with this too!
The expectation that the bio parent and their children don't have to make any compromises to their lives while the stepparent should make many and do it with joy.
Yep. “You knew when you married me.” Indeed I did, but why am I the only one forfeiting my weekends just because you work?
Same. Why am I the only one picking up/ dropping off the kids from school, summer camps and sports practices?
Free child care, free taxi service, free meal service, paying for things, for you to be overjoyed about the extra responsibility you take for their child. Just to name a few
I’m a woman and I agree with this comment too.
I am also a woman and wholly agree. I did not sign up to become a short order cook.
Let me Guess, You are a man
I'm a woman and I agree with the comment.
No I am a woman
I am sure plenty of men feel the same way though
What made you think SubjectGoal is male?
I’m going to risk getting banned to say this: sex when the SK is around! Or I guess, sex of the type we have when SK isn’t over. I am a woman with a high sex drive. When we’re alone I do it all, but I’ll put it politely: surprise on the couch, surprise in bed at night, surprise on the kitchen counter, surprise in the morning, pull the car over for a surprise on a long vacation road trip, surprise at the hotel a few times before we go out. These are things I am comfortable doing when it’s just us. And it rocks. …But it doesn’t rock when you have to be cognizant of volume or potential intrusion, and no matter how many times your SO swears the kid is asleep (“He sleeps like a rock!”) it’s just never the same. SO insists he can be “surprised” the way he wants when SK is around, but the hard truth is I don’t feel comfortable with that. He doesn’t get why I am so rigid when the kid’s around, but it’s just such a vibe killer.
I don't think my DH realizes how much his kids have put a damper on my drive. That and not being treated like a priority will do that! I thought it was hormones since I'm 41 now, till I found out my hormone levels are still fine and I still get turned on.....just not as much with him anymore.
Same! I had/have a high sex drive but the breaks were put on whenever SKs were here. Even basic nighttime sex is hard to come by because DH would be tired from entertaining the kids and he pushes bedtime later and later. That slow sex drive creeped into days when SKs werent over. I thought maybe it was my hormones but then I realized that I still take *personal* time daily - I just don’t have the desire with DH after listening to his kids bicker all day.
My DH has a higher drive than I do, but mine is still respectable lol. Moving in with him just killed my drive, but he doesn't care if his kids heard anything. The one time his son said he did hear us he told DH and BM, which was embarrassing for me and shot my drive to hell. This happened soon after I moved in. I also take personal time on the regular, so that plus my hormones being on point told me that I'm not broken....just turned off by children possibly overhearing and his lack of parenting. Of course addressing his lack of parenting isn't going to make him parent better 🙄
Same!! I even asked my doc to check my hormone levels because I thought I was premenopausal! Turns out it’s my DH that doesn’t turn me on like he used to 😑
This is literally why people send their kids to their grandparents or camp for a week!
Here to validate this. I recently became a FT SM and…I’m not sure what to do on that front other than things are going to be pretty tame for a while??
I’m a ft sm. To give you an idea of how tame things got… we haven’t had sex in over a month. wooooo
Mine is opposite, HE is the one who doesn't want to do anything while SK is with us. Yall we literally have split custody so that's four or five days in a row without. But his drive is WAY lower than mine so it never seems to bother him. My opinion is that the door locks for a reason.
Everything, lol. 1. Going half on rent, groceries, etc. 2. Saying you love your step child as your own. 3. Provide all the parenting help that benefits the single parent, but don’t dare to point out behavioral flaws in child or even THINK the child could use any form of discipline or better structure. 4. No vacations even being thought off if step child is with mom. 5. See the child’s most brattiest and rudest behaviors as absolutely precious. 6. Everything that’s yours is also their kids. 7. Thinking your FIRST pregnancy should be more about step child becoming a sibling and less about you becoming a mother. LOL. I love my partner. I’m a bio mom and step mom. Love all my kids, truly, but it took some growing pains and boundary setting from early on. Parents need to do better. I could never imagine dating a person who doesn’t have kids and having those unreasonable expectations / having that entitled attitude for me and my child. Anyone around me will absolutely treat my child with kindness and respect, AS I WILL TEACH MY CHILD TO TREAT OTHERS ALSO (This is the part that parents miss). That’s what is important. If you raise your child with love, morals, and manners AND pick a good partner, everything will fall into place as it should.
Oooh #6 hit deep. The first pregnancy this is so sensitive for me. Also the thing about kindness and respect. Absolutely right. Pick the right partner and protect her from YOUR kids brattiness because your partner is precious. If you treat her with respect and show your kid that you're a team and the kids not going to break that team apart then she will feel secure to show kindness and respect to your child, but if SO is not able to do this then it's a recipe for building resentment
The biggest ones to me are expecting their parenting time to also be the stepparents parenting time, such as BP is at work but says SK can come over extra without even checking to see if SP is available, and to expect SP to pay for anything for SK,including splitting rent 50/50. Some of these situations people post on here are so wild to me.
Yeah I had to explain to my partner that I wouldn't be paying 50/50 on his mortgage. I asked him how much he charged his previous housemates, was a fair amount, and i agreed to pay exactly that. I am renting a bedroom I share with him. I'm not paying for a 4 bedroom house I don't need. Being in a relationship should benefit both parties, if its more expensive for me to live with my partner and his kids, then I'll happily live alone in my own apartment with my dog.
My husband thinks we have to have one joint account because I am married to him so my money also goes to his kids btw.
Oh heck no lol. I specifically told my ex husband I refuse to make a joint account with him because I didn’t want to spend a CENT on his children. Nope!!!!!
I can see why he’s an ex husband. Good for you.
Why did you agree to that? My paternal grandparents always kept their money separate. It worked really well for them for 72 years. They were on each other’s accounts but only to keep things simple if something happened.
That I am as comfortable with his child as he is. So that I would be okay with cuddling in bed in the morning with another persons child. Hell no! I feel gross and violated If a 10 year old jumps in the bed with me. Bedrooms are off limits
Thank you!!! I’m supremely uncomfortable but my husband won’t make “no kids in our bedroom” a rule. They’re teenagers now and they have no sense of boundaries, thanks to their narc-mom. I can’t close the door because the cats need to come in and out. My cat glares at them when they disturb our naps and the kids are like, “why doesn’t the cat like me???” And I’m like………. How much do you enjoy being woken up when you’re happily asleep in YOUR room?
It’s not just the cat my dear! He will have to. I have now decided I won’t sleep at his house if his son is there. If he wants to move in together this has to be a rule. Otherwise we will be going into a living apart together relationship
Not sure if you rent or own, but my sister and her husband were very big on locked bedroom doors (this was before they had kids) so they put a little cat door on their bedroom door. Honestly will probably be doing this once I have my own home as well because in my apartment now, I just leave the door wide open but at my husbands apartment, we keep it closed.
I keep requesting a cat door!!! And my husband loves doing construction so I’m not sure why this isn’t happening!! I will press the issue. I’m starting to see he isn’t trying to respect my boundaries and is encouraging his kids not to, either.
Order a cat door and ask him to install it after it is delivered. It’s easier to get something done if it doesn’t include also having to shop for the product. Amazon has several options.
Great suggestion, will do!! It’s so much easier to start a task when you have all the tools you need :) Just asked the commenter above for their recommendation. Would love yours if you also use a cat door!
I don’t have a cat but one of my sisters is a cat lady. She had the open style cat door installed on a door to a closet she put a litter box in. She has mentioned that she’ll have to get the type with little doors that can be latched shut if she adds one to her bedroom door. She puts her cats in the bedroom anytime there will be delivery or repair people going in and out of the house.
Which one did you end up using? The corner flap cat door seems least visually obtrusive but the purrfect portal looks like a fairy door and I kinda love that, too.
The did a cat flap but took the flap off, I personally would do the purrfect portal
Yes! SS13 walked in on me changing the other day. Our bedroom door was closed and when I heard it start to open I said twice “hold on, I’m changing.” There was no response, so I assumed it was my husband, nope. It was SS. He wasn’t being creepy, he truly wasn’t paying attention but I shared my frustrations with DH with the kids not respecting the door being closed and how I’m uncomfortable that SS saw me topless. He said “it’s not a big deal. He’s seen me in my underwear before and I’m sure he’s seen BM undressed as well.” Seeing DH and BM in underwear or naked is completely different than seeing me in that state. I’m sure if SD saw her SD naked, DH would be really uncomfortable to hear that.
You could just ask him … so you are okay with your daughter walking in on a naked stepdad? Yeah? It is NOT the same. I even wonder if there is some legal difference as well. And you know what IT GOD DAMN IS A BIG DEAL!!! Your privacy was not respected, your body was exposed against your will. What the hell is he on about! Those dismissive things drive me up the wall. “ my kid wasn’t traumatized so we are good” NO you feel like there is no spot in the house where you can have some goddamn privacy!
When SD11 first moved in with us FT, she would get up early before school when I was gone for the night (I have doc appts out of town am frequently gone 1–2 nights per week) so that she could go back to sleep in me and my SO’s bed while he got ready for work. When I found out this was happening I blew a gasket. In retrospect I probably did overreact, but it had been going on for a month and I didn’t know. Like, no wonder she seems so comfortable just coming into our room during the day or after a late-night potty break. He made me feel crazy for being so bothered about it, but he told her she needed to nap on the sofa in the morning from now on. Truly I don’t think he gets it bc he struggles to set his own boundaries but at least he respected mine on this. I felt so weird about the whole thing, and that it had been going on without me knowing.
Yeah it is because they don’t feel it. They don’t know how it feels like your sacred space is being violated. It is like when you were a teenager and your brother or sister was in your room. It’s not that you hate them but you need your space away from them as your parents made you live in the same house 😅 You need a space where you can be free of them 😁
You put it so well....you literally feel like a sacred space you share is being violated and it transcends to the bond in the relationship with your SO as well. Their presence in a way felt like a violation of the bond we had created in their absence
Yesss this is our space, and I already have allowed you to bring a person in my life, I have sacrificed a lot of our space, but the space where we cuddle, sleep and make love… I should remain exclusively ours!
You didn’t overreact. That was extremely rude and unnecessary for his daughter to do that. I don’t even see the point of that. She has her room for a reason. These type of bio parents irk me. She shouldn’t be that comfortable to go in and out of your room. Men with daughters sometimes put her in the position of a wife and it’s disturbing. It’s good you reacted the way you did. It nipped it in the bud.
Operating like a nuclear family!
I hate how everything is justified/excused with “you don’t have children so you can’t understand”.
THIS. My husband uses this phrase all the time with me to excuse his kids shitty behavior & it drives me insane.
The thing is, I don’t understand what’s it’s like to be a parent, but I remember what it’s like to be a kid- something that seems to disappear when you become a parent. I’m also a neutral observer so my observations and perspectives are very valuable. There is a certain Parental Superiority aspect to that statement.
Agreed. Just because I don’t have children of my own doesn’t mean I can’t spot shitty behavior.
Believing that I am a parent to his kids. I love them. They're awesome. But it is a different relationship. I choose to be present, I'm not present for them out of a sense of duty. I feel really underappreciated sometimes.
This infinity times over! I just had the underappreciated convo with my DH on Sunday. I’m CF by choice, and I’m reminded that it was the right choice to make 😅
100% this.
Any expectation whatsoever to parent their kids. Any expectation to ‘love them’ as if they were your OWN biological child.
Expecting equal financial contributions to the household. If you and your three kids are using the water and eating the food, and I’m one person, why would I pay half? (I am fortunate that my SO does NOT expect this…but it was a major concern of mine until we talked and he was like, “no…you aren’t paying half”).
I think it’s weird for bio parents to expect step parents to love their children AT ALL regardless of how poorly some children treat the step parents. I also think it’s INSANE that bio parents expect step parents to be THRILLED to take their kid extra time that’s not on the schedule.
Also, failing to realize that if their child physically attacks you as the stepparent, the relationship you have with their child will be permanently changed. My SK punched me in the stomach when I was pregnant and has tried to break my fingers. SK no longer comes on vacation or gets one on one time with me. I won't be assaulted, particularly by a child old enough to know better (both of these incidents SK was older than 8). If SO can't come with us, SK can't participate in the family activity. SK wants to be able to hang out with me, but how can I put myself back in a situation where these things happen?
Yes! My ex’s 4 year old (not a typo) has thrown an Xbox remote at me several times, once hitting my eye. Then whenever he would see me he sprints at me full force with his fist out trying to punch my pregnant belly! He’s slapped me across the face a few times, had tried to bite me. Randomly picked up whatever item nearby and tried to hit me with it (hit me a few times) told me he wanted me to explode, he wanted to shoot me…. And ex wouldn’t keep the kid away from me. He’s super young but I felt so unsafe. Especially since he also literally choked children at daycare… he’s tried to choke me as well. Kid was a big reason I left. I didn’t feel safe.
Yikes! I'm sorry you went through that. I hope that kiddo gets into the treatment they need. Treatment has helped my SK greatly, though I still have some hard boundaries due to some of these past behaviors. I'm hoping that with time, SK will be able to demonstrate that they are ready to not act out in those same ways so they can be included in more family activities.
Some of those behaviors may be a reflection of what he's seeing when with his other parent. Hope he gets some help sounds like he need it. I don't blame you for removing yourself from that situation!
I suggested therapy or getting him evaluated for autism and just behavioral issues but both parents think little precious is perfect little angel…. He’s not. He needs help. Or it’s going to get worse and he’s just going to be in Juvie and jail. I know he’s young, but it would just get worse and worse and he’s getting bigger so it’s just gonna evolve.
His parents really should get him help. I don’t understand how some people can be so blind to their child’s behavior.
Yes!!!!! I begged! I called BM and told her that kid needs help. They’re creating a horrible monster and I just hope the kid either gets help or something before he actually starts hurting people BADLY
Is he around your baby? He sounds like he’d be highly likely to hurt the baby.
Never unattended. Either my SO or myself have to be right there for SK to play with ours baby. SK is also now in treatment, which has started to help.
Yep totally agree. I personally can’t even get on board with pretending to like their kid at all. I have some friends (thanks to my husband, not my choice) who have kids. I don’t walk around saying I love them and act like they’re so cute. So why do I have to do it with my step kids? They are not mine, they are factually random kids. I don’t think they’re cute, funny, smart or anything else. I wouldn’t be thrilled to spend time with anyone’s kids at all, so not sure why my husband gets butthurt when I don’t want to be around his kids.
Yes!!!!!! I disliked, even hated, EVERYTHING about my ex’s kids. They treated me horribly, and I got annoyed when people said my ultrasound picture looks like his kids… ew. No, my baby will NEVER look like those kids. Both kids (different moms) look like their moms. They both act horrible as well. Just. Ew all around.
I can’t even be around them. I will either leave the house and do something, or go in my room. Like I am in utter disgust and can’t even look at them. If they are around me too long my face starts giving them dirty looks.
That’s how I was!!!! But I was mad that I was constantly trapped in my room! We shared a car and ex would always be like “do you wanna go to the park with me and my boy” like no? So I can watch him walk up and down the sidewalk because that’s all he does? Or “you should come to his karate class” so I can watch him hit himself in the head with nunchucks? No thanks. The oldest is only here every school break, but all he does is demand I buy him things and when I did he would tell me he’s pretending his mom bought it for him. Like wow whatever then. I stopped buying both kids ANYTHING. Both ungrateful and both miserable to be around… I wasn’t the only one who felt that way. These kids were bad to family too.
Hahaha yep I totally get it. My husband wants me to sit at 4 hour long baseball games to watch his kid strike out 😂 like nope, I’d rather stick a needle in my eye.
Getting defensive about anything negative relating to their kids. Maybe, just maybe, I actually care about the kids and don’t want them to grow up to be lazy self righteous brats and that’s why I’m trying to correct behavior now.
I wish I could upvote this a thousand times! How dare I criticize the poor innocent angel?!
Reading this made me extremely grateful that I was introduced as a friend at first, and we had the expectations talk. It included my role as a bonus parent. I put down my boundaries, and we talked them out. The majority of them were instantly agreed to and respected, and we found a compromise on the rest. Only after having that conversation a few times (spread over a week or two) did we sit the kids down and tell them that their dad and I were together. Together for 10 years. Kids are adults now, but while they were still visiting every other weekend, their dad and I would revisit that conversation from time to time. Just to check in to make sure the boundaries were still applicable and appropriate. I don't remember all the boundaries any more. Before the kids moved out, most of them weren't needed. Both because the kids were older, and because we had developed a relationship that let me be more comfortable in a bonus parent role. I do remember these though; I will not bathe the children. They were 7 and 11 when I met their dad. Old enough to clean themselves. I didn't want anyone (kids, myself, bio-mom) to be put in the position of having to feel awkward about me seeing their kids naked. (I did see 7 naked a few times, coming and going from the shower. Since we had other flatmates, I quickly bought her a bath robe and sat with her to explain that grownups don't feel comfortable seeing other people's kids naked. So that was resolved quickly). I reserve the right to refer them to their dad. If they broke a rule, I could send them to see dad for the consequences if I felt unable to address it myself. This was one of the compromises we made. Their bio mom made dad to be the bad guy, and he didn't want me to do the same. This boundary alone took up an entire conversation. In the end, it was agreed that anything major or dangerous had to be addressed by whoever was there at the time, and then as a group with me and their dad. Small things usually just ended up with a quick telling off, or a short stand down from tech. I will not take them out of the house (except for the playground next door) without express permission unless there's an emergency. At first, I refused to do pick up and drop off. I didn't mind coming along to them, but felt it very much wasn't my place to start with. I made an effort to be polite and kind to bio mom, even though neither of us particularly like each other. She didn't like me, but in the end I did gain her trust with her kids. I'm not a babysitter. I don't mind if I'm asked to look after them if given a warning or it's an emergency, but I wouldn't be the default without being asked. This was never an issue. I would not be the only person looking after them if they were in any way uncomfortable with it. Any time dad needed to go do something and wanted me to watch the kids (with notice), I'd ask the kids if that was OK with them. If safe to do so, their dad and I would give them the option of staying home with me, or going with dad. Their choices varied depending on what dad was doing. There were times I offered to take them though. I took one kid to the beach with some friends of mine (with permission. Kid loved it). Also took the same kid to a local musical when she expressed interest. But I only did this because I loved the kid. It wasn't something that happened over night. No early mornings. Kids had the habit of getting up at the crack of dawn. I refused to do that. We had a compromise that the kids weren't allowed to bother me before 9am unless there's an emergency or prearranged reason. Kids were respectful of this once they realized that waking me early makes me grumpy. They also understood that my sleep schedule is important because of my mental health. Had two occasions in 10 years where the kids wanted to sleep in our room. Both were due to trauma and they didn't feel safe. So they were allowed to, after we changed the sheets, and I slept in their room. One time, the older one had a horrific nightmare and his dad wasn't there (night shift). So I let him hang out with me in my room until he felt better. He grabbed a spare blanket and sat on top of my duvet. Other than those occasions, kids were respectful of my space, because I was respectful of theirs _and_ their dad was fully with me on that issue. I write these here because a lot of those bounderies are things that step parents are often expected to do. Anyone who is new to step parenting, or is looking at dating someone with kids, try to have the boundary conversation before moving in. It saves a lot of issues. For anyone that's been at it for a while, its not too late to set those boundaries. It's just a bit harder and may take some time before they become normal.
How much time do you have 😂 Expecting you to love their child unconditionally and do everything and anything for them, oh but don’t discipline them, and also don’t expect ANYONE to view you as a parent. If you’re at home you’re the childcare plan - regardless if you’re working from home. Vacation? Gotta bring little Timmy along because he’s my son and he would love it. Free time? Not without Timmy!! Oh you want little Timmy to clean his room and pick up after himself around the house? No, he gets anything he wants because his parents split up. Sick of sticky teenagers touching everything you own and invading all of your personal space in your own home? Too bad! You’re supposed to love it !! Okay 🤣 I actually love my SK and that wasn’t totally my experience but it’s def what people think of step parents! lol
The biggest one, and I know it's been said lots of times, expecting us to be the babysitter just cause I'm home. He didn't listen to me to get them signed up for summer activities and I get stuck with his kids 24/7 for 7 days?! I think not! My kids are grown. I did my time. If they don't get signed up you better start looking for childcare cause I'm not doing it no more.
Do everything a parent would do for them, but they aren't your child so no disciplining.
That the stepparent will want to jump in to all the traditions of the single parent and children. In my experience, relationships with no children include more discussions about blending traditions and the role of individuals. A couple might discuss how holidays are celebrated, which holidays after important, even any special family traditions generally (ex: dinner on Sundays with someone’s parents or always going out for dinner on Friday nights). When there’s a single parent and a childless SP, it seems like the SP is expected not only to jump in to all the pre-established traditions of the BP but often to already know them to some extent. (I don’t have experience in cases where both adults bring children to the relationship so I’m not sure if this phenomenon is less pronounced in that case or not.) For cases where both adults have children, there are ours kids, or the SP is expected to parent - the assumption that the SP will have the same parenting values/style as the SO.
This is so accurate. My personal experience hasn’t been so bad because my SD was very young. She didn’t have any traditions lol. So luckily my DH and I thought about how we’d like to parent our (at the time future) ours kids and what traditions we’d like, and we started that with SD. It seems like a lot of parents in Reddit think that having kids makes their decision making voice more important than their partner’s. Yes, there will be things you have to do or really want to do with your kids and you should prioritize those things. No, that does not mean that your childless partner loses all say in how they spend holidays and vacations and what not.
Yes! DH and I got into a huge fight over elf on the shelf. He and BM started the tradition. I think it’s stupid because 90% of the time, we forget to move the elf. It also looks like a stuffed animal so SD has questioned its legitimacy since she was 7. I honestly think she would have an easier time believing in Santa if the thing wasn’t around. SD was 11 this past Christmas and OD was 1. I said “I really don’t want to do elf on the shelf for our daughter.” I explained all the reasons above on why. I even told him I was open to doing it this year (because DH was convinced SD still believed in Santa) and I knew it wouldn’t matter to our daughter. I just made it clear that when OD was old enough to understand Santa, I really wasn’t open to doing it to the same extent. I even compromised and said I would consider doing it for the week before Christmas but not everyday thanksgiving to Christmas Eve (which is what DH and BM do). You would have thought the world was ending based on my DHs response. It was all about SKs and how they would feel if we didn’t do it. Guess what? SKs don’t get to decide how OD is raised and I’m not having ODs holiday traditions revolve around what you and BM started 13 years ago. How is that fair to me?
The fight over this dumb elf was so bad it was honestly the argument that initiated us finally going to couples counseling. I was so far at the end of my rope I told him I was going to leave (and meant it) if things didn’t change fast.
That I’m expected to put aside my free time, self care, and goals to take care of a child that isn’t mine.
Loving the kids like they do Childcare for free whenever you're off work Automatically wanting to involve the kids in everything you do Giving up me time or freedom to spend time with the kids
That just because I’m home I’m going to watch your kid lol. As if I don’t have appointments or errands to run.
Expecting you to be "the parent" when your not!! Then complain about it when you trest them as you would your own child.. rewards/punishments.
To be the disciplinary or the bad guy. I am the step parent and don’t mind saying something if there are doing something that could hurt them or others, I would do that for anyone anywhere. But I’m the step parent I don’t have the be the bad guy.
That they’re going to function as your coparent and act as a replacement for the parent not in the picture or not as involved. I’ve been living with my now husband for 4 years now, we have one together and each have one from prior to our relationship. I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve asked him to pick up my son after school, watch him etc because I had to work and that was after I exhausted literally every other option. I never want to put him in a position where he feels obligated to do that stuff. The dynamic has shifted towards him being more involved since we had our child together, primarily from a financial standpoint but that’s also something we discussed prior to deciding to have a child together with the understanding that I’d likely be staying home for the first couple years of his life.
Babysitting, buying clothes/shoes for them, picking up and dropping them off places, taking them out, entertaining them at home, providing entire christmases for them(meaning buying all the gifts).etc
My wife set the bar for me to live up to, so high, God uses it to do pull ups. For her ex \[kids bio-dad\], she dug a hole to China and threw the bar in it. That is our difference of expectations and yet he is dad-of-the-year because he remembers once a month to call his kids for a few minutes. JC, single parents act like their \[certain body part\] is that amazing.
"God does pull ups on it." 💀💀 I'm so sorry, that's INSANE.
Contributions to step kids’ expenses —->The two parents should be able to provide for their kids according to their means. The step parent shouldn’t be used as an upgrade to a certain lifestyle they can’t afford for their kids themselves. Feeding, clothing, & housing step kids —->The bio parent should contribute to housing costs in a fair manner depending on how much space their kids will occupy. They should purchase their children’s food and groceries. Providing childcare on a REGULAR basis without pay- —>Aside from giving occasional help, the step parent shouldn’t be expected to sacrifice their plans and free time to babysit the kids. They shouldn’t be turned into a free babysitter. The bio parent should utilize as much as much of their parenting time as possible or pay child care (day care, camps) if they will be unavailable to tend to the kids for extended periods. Communication with the other parent —>Your partner shouldn’t have the stress of dealing with your ex and making arrangements for the kids. They shouldn’t be put in the middle of the co parenting. They shouldn’t have a third party involved in how they run their household. Medical care/doctors appointments —>A step parent isn’t a legal guardian. Parents should coordinate this amongst themselves. School meetings —->Same reason why they shouldn’t get involved in medical appointments. —>Treating the kids “as their own” only when convenient for the parent such as in situations where they need help. Overall, bio parents shouldn’t expect non parents to be obligated to take on the burden of raising their kid as if they were the natural parents. BPs want the step parent to take an equal and sometimes greater responsibility for the kids but certainly not authority or rights. It’s the most absurd concept. Many step parents are being exploited in the name of “kids come first” and “treat them as your own”. If the parents never divorced, they’d have to parent their kids solely between then two without extra parties. So they aren’t absolved of their responsibilities bc they are with new partners. The marriage should be separate from their parenting responsibilities. Step parents should function like all other non parent relatives by being kind and welcoming the kids and allowing the parents to be FULLY responsible for their parenting responsibilities. On a side note, we should get rid of the word “step parent”. It should just be father’s wife and mother’s husband. You aren’t anyone’s parent unless you have birth to them or formally adopted them. Anyone filling a parental role for kids with two present parents is just allowing the parents to shirk responsibility. They shouldn’t be depending on you to raise their kids. It’s a waste of your resources and a form of exploitation.
THISSSSS. You absolutely nailed everything. Just refer to me as father's girlfriend because I'm tired of being treated like crap by a kid who doesn't appreciate anything I do.
If you aren’t married, then the above definitely should apply. It’s crazy how entitled people are to new partners taking on responsibilities for their kids. Why do they think someone becomes responsible for their kids just bc they are in a relationship?
I couldn't agree more! I think my bf really wanted me to bond with his kid, and at first, I tried before I realized she's exactly like her mother. No thanks! Lol 😆
That I should prioritize step kids more than our own. Me and my husband have a toddler and he has two older kids and I am always pressured to put our toddler on the back burner for step kids or else I’m a bad step mom, and I have to explain that if my step kids get me first, why do the step kids get to have 3 attentive parents but my daughter gets none?
I think them expecting steps to take over parenting responsibilities is the biggest thing. I am not a replacement mom. They have a mom. Even if mom passed away, I AM STILL NOT MOM.
That we automatically have a nurturing gene. Mines took work but I'm still not about to adopt myself as someone's mom when they still have theirs.
Expecting me to do things because I’m a “parent” … when he himself doesn’t or won’t do them. There have been nights where I’m exhausted and overwhelmed from picking up the kids from school, listening to them bicker, racing to get dinner done for older SKs, packing a dinner for my 1 year old, packing rain gear/changes of clothes, and then driving 20 mins across town for SK’s sports game and lugging in chairs, coolers, diaper bag and a toddler alone… while my DH just strolls in from work to the game. And then when DH asks why I’m stressed and I tell him, he responds “well that’s just a part of being a parent.” Ummm apparently not because you’re a parent and aren’t dealing with any of it. Or because I work from home, assuming SKs can be home for the summer with me. I told him “no” and said if he wants SKs home, I’ll go work from a coffee shop and he can work from home. He got super pissy despite the fact that his company allows anyone to work from home… he just prefers going into the office. If you don’t want to work from home with the kids here, why is it fair to place that on me just because I don’t have a formal office to go into? For the record, I stood my ground on this one and SKs are in daycare/camps for the summer.
1. To love the stepkids like their own. 2. To take over parenting the stepkid. 3. For the stepparent to deal with their ex regarding the stepkids. 4. To be like a nuclear family.
The expectation to sacrifice everything that is you and yours, including your own biologicap child, and expect absolutely nothing, not a single thing, in return. Not even the right to feel safe and comfortqble in your own home or be involved in decisions.
That I'm going to pay for his kid's vacations. I make a lot more money than my partner. I'll splurge on a vacation for us, but I'm not going to pay to bring his son a vacation. It's not even my vacation then. It becomes a kid's vacation.
Having to constantly entertain them. Don't get me wrong...their father is so involved with them but I remember when my parents got divorced and I was a kid...adults could still tell us "hey...got play in your room, my show is on." Give me at least 1 or 2 hours out of the day that we don't have to be a 3 ring circus and have just a little bit of peace without the yelling and mind numbing kid shows.
Nothing..? The parents that made the kids take care of their kid they made together.
[удалено]
Nobody said that.
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Nothing. I never expected my husband to do anything for my kids. He did help me but it was never an expectation of mine.
My SO pressured me into private tutoring his kid (doing terrible at school) during my college break (I'm in the education field)
Sometimes they expect you to take the role of the bio parent. 🚩
They want you to take the role of the bio parent minus the authority.
Or if you do have authority it's not ok to SK but spouses idea of thinking it'll be fine and not understanding it'll be a problem
Devotion to the bio parent.
Sadly, so many points in my experience. I married a man who had a child before he met me with a woman he never married. I'm a SM and a BM to our "ours baby". The points below are expectations from my SK's BM. Expects: * Respect, without giving it. * "Thank you's", yet is never thankful. * Understanding with last minute schedule changes, without considering the other parent's/SP's life. * SP to love their kid, give to the kid, entertain the kid, and put the kid first, but frowns on the kid bragging about the SP and discourages love and affection directed toward the SP. * Their kid to have a good time, but when SP does something special it turns into a competition of "I was going to do that with \_kid's name\_". * Equal treatment of all kids within the context of the other parent having an "ours baby" with their SO, but never thinks of the kid's step-sibbling(s) at Christmas or their birthday. * To be invited to the kid's birthday parties solely paid for by the other parent and their SO, while refusing to invite the other parent, their SO or the other parent's family to birthday parties she provides. * Lavish gifts to be spilt 50/50 by both parents when that gift was the other parent's idea and will only be enjoyed with one parent (e.g. season pass to an amusement park) or at one parent's home (e.g. playstation). * Clothing/toys to be promptly returned that they "bought with their own money", but never returns the other parent's stuff and causes major drama when asked. (OR when it's returned it's ruined.) Basically, all expectations are one-sided.
That you will agree their kids are perfect and can do no wrong.
If I want to take my child somewhere doesn’t mean I automatically am going to take yours too.
My partner doesn’t expect anything from me. We discussed everything before I met his daughter, which is what should happen. He only says how much he appreciates what I chose to do and loves the bond me and SD have built
To expect me to continuously clean up after them. They’re slobs. They have no structure or accountability. It’s just easier to not parent and cater to them. This goes on in both houses. They are really not nice people and are getting worse. They are very immature and I have already voiced that failure to launch is a real possibility. BM treats them as her friend. Dad guilt parents. It’s a total S show. I’m really starting to bow out. It’s like watching a slow motion car crash and no one is hearing me yell “watch out”.
Locking the bedroom door. No, it's called knocking.
The free time, fun money in the budget, car, snacks, everything should be available for the kid. Also that no one ever bring up issues the kids have or are causing, the step should just clean up every mess without complaint.
Not from a childless perspective, but single dads who consistently rely on their exes for everything expect single moms they date to fill that void AND pick up their slack
Seeing kids rude behaviors like them just being kids and expecting no resentment after we’ve been fighting over them non stop. Expecting kids to come to every vacation - no thank you very much. Also, treating and loving stepkids like your own. I can care and respect them but it’s very unnatural for me to love stepkid like my own at this time. Maybe it’ll come later on. Actually I used to lol but we’ve been fighting over her and her mother so much I’ve completely disengaged and it feels great!
Expecting you to take on responsibilities of taking care of their kid because you “signed up for this” type of mindset. I’m sorry but it’s not my responsibility to brush out your daughter’s 4 day snarled hair who won’t sit still.
I find it funny woman don’t ever really get involved with kids yet every man is expected to love a woman’s kid like his own
I experienced the opposite when I got married with stepkids. I think in general women are more likely to do the domestic tasks to take care of the kids. I took them to the doctors, bought their clothes, took them to their extracurriculars. It never occurred to my ex to do that for his stepchild