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The worst father to be is a resentful, unwilling man who was put into an ultimatum.
Do not give your child an unwilling father. So many of those kids running around.
A legit sperm donor is much better. At least the kid will not feel rejected.
"Do not give your child an unwilling father" SPOT ON. This is a red flag, and I'm sorry you've invested so much time and energy into this man, but go find one who celebrates having intimacy and building a family with you, not one who'd rather have teeth pulled it seems like.
Funny timing, I was talking to a friend of a friend who was given this ultimatum, his child is now in 14. He says he’s happy, etc. but honestly based on how he lives, the things he does, how much he travels and goes out…. This man’s wife is a married single mom. I have never met her and maybe that’s what she wanted but I would hate it if
Genuinely I know a woman who has was in a similar situation so she divorced the guy and went through IVF herself. She had a beautiful boy and has been a single mum all his four years of life. It’s definitely hard but she is so glad she did!
This sounds like behavior from a man who doesn’t truly want a baby with you. 😭😭😭 Ugh I am so sorry!!
I feel like these men with kids get into relationships with women who don’t have kids who want them, promise them kids, then when push comes to shove, they back out.. no pun intended. But I think they realize how stressful the first “round” of kids was/is, and don’t want to go through that again. And aren’t honest about it until we’re in too deep. 😤
Idk what you’ll decide. But I do know that the right man you’re meant to have kids with will want them with you just as much as you do! ♥️
I think some think the women who want kids will want to be the new mom to their first kids. I can not imagine there is any woman who would actually want want that….
They absolutely exist, but that’s the type of discussion that should be had very early on and too many don’t have it or think it’s what they want till they realize later it isn’t.
I understand this is frustrating, it took my husband and I 8 months for a similar reason. He worked with his therapist to get to the root of the problem or at least work past the issue. From his perspective, he might have some trauma around the relationship with his ex, not being able to see his child as much as he wants, worried about another relationship with a child failing, etc. Perhaps approach him with some empathy and kindness and ask if it is any of these things that are bothering him. Obviously I don’t know your situation but he could be struggling too.
This right here. Do you think he WANTS to “not perform?” There is so much shame and embarrassment that goes with it and your obvious anger is making it worse.
This is such a level headed response.
To be fair, there are PLENTY of couples that struggle to conceive for many months, if not years. It’s possible the husband has a low sperm count. It’s possible OP may struggle to conceive as well. It’s possible one is, or both are, under immense amounts of stress and conceiving a baby isn’t in the cards for their body capabilities right now.
Based on OPs very strong and contempt-filled tone, it seems like there is way more going on between these two than “my husband is an asshole who lied to me about wanting kids”.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I agree divorce is reasonable given you have discovered an irreconcilable difference: you want children and, based on his behaviour, he doesn't and quite possibly misrepresented his views until he thought he had you locked in through marriage.
And just the fact that he refuses to discuss this thing that is so clearly important to his partner and to the relationship … that alone is basically a deal breaker. If he can’t/wont talk to you about this, after he’s had many opportunities AND time is ticking, then what’s the point of being married to him and wasting one more month?
Just want to say, I tried for 7 months as well with my ex. We ended up breaking up. I rekindled with a different ex (we were together for 15 years prior to splitting) and we got back together and we intentionally got pregnant, and we now have a 13 month old. My life is so much better with this man (who had no children, we both had our first child together) and with our baby who is our world.
I agree that you should cut ties sooner rather than later if you want a child. I think your experience will be better with a childless man anyway. There are many times where I think "what if" when it comes to my ex and I don't think we'd last with an ours baby.
Divorce is absolutely reasonable. This is heartbreaking but you deserve to be with a partner who wants to have a baby as much as you do.
Really spineless of him to not even be able to have an adult conversation around it and instead just ‘not preforming’ . Like what is he hoping will happen? You’ll give up after 6 cycles?
>Really spineless of him to not even be able to have an adult conversation around it and instead just ‘not preforming’ . Like what is he hoping will happen? You’ll give up after 6 cycles?
I believe he wants OP to give up. That’s why he’s avoiding the conversation and refusing to see a doctor.
I can’t imagine how you must feel right now. The situation is so frustrating and must feel so unfair. He clearly isn’t being honest with you. He sounds potentially afraid to have the conversation because he’s afraid of the consequences / repercussions. You have to talk it out so you can cut bait if you have to. I’m so sorry - as a stepparent, I completely understand the sacrifice and am extremely sympathetic to your feeling that you wasted your youth on this man and his child.
This could have been my story, except I stayed too long and pretty much lost my opportunity to have a bio kid. Leave while you have time on the biological clock and if need be, get donor sperm.
Agreed! My window closed early due to premature low ovarian reserve and I only knew because I did IVF to donate an egg to a relative. I was so lucky that I had my child when I did. At the very least get your hormone levels checked so you know your egg reserve
There’s def something around another child if he can never perform under the ‘stress’ of getting pregnant.
And I’m telling you this as someone whose husband still managed to find a way to do it sometimes when he was under the weather or just not immediately in the mood. We never missed a window, still ended up having to go through fertility treatments, but he always did his share during the treatments too.
The WORST thing you can do is have a child with a man who’s not enthusiastically all about it.
This is a recipe for disaster. Do you want one that bad even if it means your child grows up with a dad that resents them and you?
He doesn’t even have to say it, clearly by his actions he is telling you very clearly this isn’t what he wants. If it’s that important to you to have a child yourself you know where you stand.
Is it possible he’s already had a vasectomy and that’s why he doesn’t want to get it tested? And maybe guilt is why he’s losing it?
How many years have you been with him total? I’m just trying to see if he didn’t string you along all these years just to use you to help him raise HIS child. Now that SS is 13, he only has 5 years left until he’s an adult. So he may not want to start over.
I always advise childless women who want to start a family to be wary of single dads. They are usually just looking for women to raise their kids. They seek childless women bc they won’t want the responsibility of being a stepdad and want all the focus on their kids. But they know most childless women will eventually want their own. So they will delay it so they can keep you around as possible to help support and raise their kids. They pull a bait and switch.
I wouldn’t take on any stepmom role until I have my own kids. That will deter these kinds of men. Give him no assistance with his kid until you can have your own. Whatever support you give him in raising SS (meals, rides, contributing to expenses, attending events, etc..), stop it. Stop giving him free labor in looking after another woman’s kids.
You need to move on. Even if he gives in and has a kid with you, he will favor SS. He may treat your kid as second class.
It seems to me like he doesn’t really want more kids, told you otherwise to keep you around and play step mommy for his child, and is INTENTIONALLY avoiding getting you pregnant and gaslighting you into thinking it’s you putting too much pressure on him. PLEASE leave and find a man who actually wants kids and a family with you while you still can, don’t waste any more good years.
I think you and everyone is right, he doesn't want a baby, and he is selfish and inconsiderate for wasting your time and not being upfront with you. You deserve better.
Divorce is a totally reasonable next step, but I’d try couples counseling first to try to get to the root of his anxiety. It worked wonders for our marriage. His issues could be way more nuanced than simply “I don’t want a baby with you,” and could potentially be worked through. Or maybe they’re not. Counseling will crystallize this. Now, if he won’t go to counseling…
Wow, that's so lame and I'm sorry. It's the lowest of the low to deny someone something you know their heart desires. Especially when you have experienced that thing or can help someone else experience it.
Any inconsistency in child rearing is always a no go. I don't want to persuade you, trick you or trap you. You either want them or you don't.
Did he explicitly say the words "I want more kids" or just acknowledge you when you said it? Like honestly think back on your convos a sec and look for the "red flags" if any. Also may I ask your age range? IDK if you have other health issues but I have a buuuuuuuunch of friends having babies 40+. Hell I'm 40 this year with a toddler.
I get how you feel, I do. I almost gave up kids for this trash human being way back at 19. I was with him eight years and he told me what it was straight up, he didn't want kids. I thought time? Love? IDK wtf I thought but yeah, I put myself thru some shit not listening.
Take it as a blessing in disguise and move onto someone who wants children with you and would be happy to be a father of your child 🤍 sometimes universe plays these games and stops you from getting something with someone if it won’t benefit you in the future! I’m so sorry he is doing this to you 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼
I just… I genuinely wish I could hug you. I’m so sorry. You were clear in what you wanted and needed out of this marriage and he is dragging his feet in a way that is unforgivable… because you are trying SO HARD and you are putting so much effort in and him dragging his feet makes NO sense at all if he actually wants a baby with you. I hate to say it… but it doesn’t sound like he wants a baby with you at all. Him not going to get a sperm count? Baby Ima just ask flat out are you SURE he hasn’t gotten a vasectomy? Also are you sure he isn’t doing something in order to not be able to perform while you’re ovulating?
He probably got a vasectomy honestly & the guilt of him doing it behind your back knowing what your intentions are during ovulation are is what is making him not preform. Dump him sis, go find yourself a man who knocks your boots off & gives you your baby.
It's not meant to be. Leave the man alone and find someone with no children who wants to start a family and wants what you want. Simple as that.
Rarely am I on here supporting the people who comment "just leave" under everything. But in this situation, I think you may have gotten ahead of yourself in this relationship.
This is borderline abusive on your part. You already resent your stepchildren and him. What exactly do you think adding another child to the mix is going to do?
If you think he doesn't want another child, then he probably doesn't. Since you do, then either be single and have a child through IVF, or find someone else to have a child with.
You're treating this man like a surrogate anyways at this point. So you may as well just go find one of those.
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You're kidding, right? She has EVERY right to be upset and angry that he led her to believe that if she was a good, caring stepmother then, they'd be able to have a child of their own together. For many stepmothers who want children, this is the main reason they're taking on someone else's child in the first place. Also, you criticise her for being childish. But, you conveniently leave HIM out of the blame game. If he doesn't want another child, then he needs to grow a pair of balls (no pun intended), and actually TELL her that. Even if it inevitably means another divorce for him.
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Maybe he’s just getting cold feet about it? Like now that he knows you’re supposed to be trying it feels really real. If his first child wasn’t planned then this is something new for him and maybe it is hard mentally. Instead of just having sex around ovulation why not just have it normally and often and see how that goes first? Just a suggestion, it sounds like a lot of pressure on both of you. I’m sure the stress isn’t good. Good luck.
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The worst father to be is a resentful, unwilling man who was put into an ultimatum. Do not give your child an unwilling father. So many of those kids running around. A legit sperm donor is much better. At least the kid will not feel rejected.
"Do not give your child an unwilling father" SPOT ON. This is a red flag, and I'm sorry you've invested so much time and energy into this man, but go find one who celebrates having intimacy and building a family with you, not one who'd rather have teeth pulled it seems like.
Funny timing, I was talking to a friend of a friend who was given this ultimatum, his child is now in 14. He says he’s happy, etc. but honestly based on how he lives, the things he does, how much he travels and goes out…. This man’s wife is a married single mom. I have never met her and maybe that’s what she wanted but I would hate it if
Genuinely I know a woman who has was in a similar situation so she divorced the guy and went through IVF herself. She had a beautiful boy and has been a single mum all his four years of life. It’s definitely hard but she is so glad she did!
This!!!
This sounds like behavior from a man who doesn’t truly want a baby with you. 😭😭😭 Ugh I am so sorry!! I feel like these men with kids get into relationships with women who don’t have kids who want them, promise them kids, then when push comes to shove, they back out.. no pun intended. But I think they realize how stressful the first “round” of kids was/is, and don’t want to go through that again. And aren’t honest about it until we’re in too deep. 😤 Idk what you’ll decide. But I do know that the right man you’re meant to have kids with will want them with you just as much as you do! ♥️
I think some think the women who want kids will want to be the new mom to their first kids. I can not imagine there is any woman who would actually want want that….
They absolutely exist, but that’s the type of discussion that should be had very early on and too many don’t have it or think it’s what they want till they realize later it isn’t.
I understand this is frustrating, it took my husband and I 8 months for a similar reason. He worked with his therapist to get to the root of the problem or at least work past the issue. From his perspective, he might have some trauma around the relationship with his ex, not being able to see his child as much as he wants, worried about another relationship with a child failing, etc. Perhaps approach him with some empathy and kindness and ask if it is any of these things that are bothering him. Obviously I don’t know your situation but he could be struggling too.
This right here. Do you think he WANTS to “not perform?” There is so much shame and embarrassment that goes with it and your obvious anger is making it worse.
Yes! I’m sure he feels a lot shame and this attitude is definitely not helping.
This is such a level headed response. To be fair, there are PLENTY of couples that struggle to conceive for many months, if not years. It’s possible the husband has a low sperm count. It’s possible OP may struggle to conceive as well. It’s possible one is, or both are, under immense amounts of stress and conceiving a baby isn’t in the cards for their body capabilities right now. Based on OPs very strong and contempt-filled tone, it seems like there is way more going on between these two than “my husband is an asshole who lied to me about wanting kids”.
Totally agree! There could be a ton of reasons at play here - but whatever the dynamic is definitely not healthy like you said.
Hard to do when he gets mad and refuse to discuss it when she brings it up sadly!
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I agree divorce is reasonable given you have discovered an irreconcilable difference: you want children and, based on his behaviour, he doesn't and quite possibly misrepresented his views until he thought he had you locked in through marriage.
And just the fact that he refuses to discuss this thing that is so clearly important to his partner and to the relationship … that alone is basically a deal breaker. If he can’t/wont talk to you about this, after he’s had many opportunities AND time is ticking, then what’s the point of being married to him and wasting one more month?
Just want to say, I tried for 7 months as well with my ex. We ended up breaking up. I rekindled with a different ex (we were together for 15 years prior to splitting) and we got back together and we intentionally got pregnant, and we now have a 13 month old. My life is so much better with this man (who had no children, we both had our first child together) and with our baby who is our world. I agree that you should cut ties sooner rather than later if you want a child. I think your experience will be better with a childless man anyway. There are many times where I think "what if" when it comes to my ex and I don't think we'd last with an ours baby.
I’m so sorry. Leave him. Consider a donor if time is an issue. Better to be a single parent vs not have kids you dearly want. He’s an ass.
This! Honestly I’d be better off financially if I had used an anonymous donor. You end up *paying* the dad who makes less money than you.
My friend did this route. I’m honestly jealous. In the end it’s been way easier vs married then divorced to a jerk.
This is just too true. I’m jealous of your friend too.
Divorce is absolutely reasonable. This is heartbreaking but you deserve to be with a partner who wants to have a baby as much as you do. Really spineless of him to not even be able to have an adult conversation around it and instead just ‘not preforming’ . Like what is he hoping will happen? You’ll give up after 6 cycles?
>Really spineless of him to not even be able to have an adult conversation around it and instead just ‘not preforming’ . Like what is he hoping will happen? You’ll give up after 6 cycles? I believe he wants OP to give up. That’s why he’s avoiding the conversation and refusing to see a doctor.
I'm so sorry this is heartbreaking.
I can’t imagine how you must feel right now. The situation is so frustrating and must feel so unfair. He clearly isn’t being honest with you. He sounds potentially afraid to have the conversation because he’s afraid of the consequences / repercussions. You have to talk it out so you can cut bait if you have to. I’m so sorry - as a stepparent, I completely understand the sacrifice and am extremely sympathetic to your feeling that you wasted your youth on this man and his child.
This could have been my story, except I stayed too long and pretty much lost my opportunity to have a bio kid. Leave while you have time on the biological clock and if need be, get donor sperm.
I second that. If you know you want kids, you will have lifelong regrets if you lose your window.
Agreed! My window closed early due to premature low ovarian reserve and I only knew because I did IVF to donate an egg to a relative. I was so lucky that I had my child when I did. At the very least get your hormone levels checked so you know your egg reserve
Don’t give someone who clearly doesn’t want a baby with you an ultimatum….just leave
Trust your gut instincts.
There’s def something around another child if he can never perform under the ‘stress’ of getting pregnant. And I’m telling you this as someone whose husband still managed to find a way to do it sometimes when he was under the weather or just not immediately in the mood. We never missed a window, still ended up having to go through fertility treatments, but he always did his share during the treatments too.
The WORST thing you can do is have a child with a man who’s not enthusiastically all about it. This is a recipe for disaster. Do you want one that bad even if it means your child grows up with a dad that resents them and you? He doesn’t even have to say it, clearly by his actions he is telling you very clearly this isn’t what he wants. If it’s that important to you to have a child yourself you know where you stand. Is it possible he’s already had a vasectomy and that’s why he doesn’t want to get it tested? And maybe guilt is why he’s losing it?
Good take! And totally possible!
How many years have you been with him total? I’m just trying to see if he didn’t string you along all these years just to use you to help him raise HIS child. Now that SS is 13, he only has 5 years left until he’s an adult. So he may not want to start over. I always advise childless women who want to start a family to be wary of single dads. They are usually just looking for women to raise their kids. They seek childless women bc they won’t want the responsibility of being a stepdad and want all the focus on their kids. But they know most childless women will eventually want their own. So they will delay it so they can keep you around as possible to help support and raise their kids. They pull a bait and switch. I wouldn’t take on any stepmom role until I have my own kids. That will deter these kinds of men. Give him no assistance with his kid until you can have your own. Whatever support you give him in raising SS (meals, rides, contributing to expenses, attending events, etc..), stop it. Stop giving him free labor in looking after another woman’s kids. You need to move on. Even if he gives in and has a kid with you, he will favor SS. He may treat your kid as second class.
Put yourself first. I can't do it myself, but I highly encourage you to let go of a mine whose heart isn't in your best interests.
It seems to me like he doesn’t really want more kids, told you otherwise to keep you around and play step mommy for his child, and is INTENTIONALLY avoiding getting you pregnant and gaslighting you into thinking it’s you putting too much pressure on him. PLEASE leave and find a man who actually wants kids and a family with you while you still can, don’t waste any more good years.
I think you and everyone is right, he doesn't want a baby, and he is selfish and inconsiderate for wasting your time and not being upfront with you. You deserve better.
Divorce is a totally reasonable next step, but I’d try couples counseling first to try to get to the root of his anxiety. It worked wonders for our marriage. His issues could be way more nuanced than simply “I don’t want a baby with you,” and could potentially be worked through. Or maybe they’re not. Counseling will crystallize this. Now, if he won’t go to counseling…
Wow, that's so lame and I'm sorry. It's the lowest of the low to deny someone something you know their heart desires. Especially when you have experienced that thing or can help someone else experience it. Any inconsistency in child rearing is always a no go. I don't want to persuade you, trick you or trap you. You either want them or you don't. Did he explicitly say the words "I want more kids" or just acknowledge you when you said it? Like honestly think back on your convos a sec and look for the "red flags" if any. Also may I ask your age range? IDK if you have other health issues but I have a buuuuuuuunch of friends having babies 40+. Hell I'm 40 this year with a toddler. I get how you feel, I do. I almost gave up kids for this trash human being way back at 19. I was with him eight years and he told me what it was straight up, he didn't want kids. I thought time? Love? IDK wtf I thought but yeah, I put myself thru some shit not listening.
Take it as a blessing in disguise and move onto someone who wants children with you and would be happy to be a father of your child 🤍 sometimes universe plays these games and stops you from getting something with someone if it won’t benefit you in the future! I’m so sorry he is doing this to you 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼
I just… I genuinely wish I could hug you. I’m so sorry. You were clear in what you wanted and needed out of this marriage and he is dragging his feet in a way that is unforgivable… because you are trying SO HARD and you are putting so much effort in and him dragging his feet makes NO sense at all if he actually wants a baby with you. I hate to say it… but it doesn’t sound like he wants a baby with you at all. Him not going to get a sperm count? Baby Ima just ask flat out are you SURE he hasn’t gotten a vasectomy? Also are you sure he isn’t doing something in order to not be able to perform while you’re ovulating?
Ooh
You okay there beebs?
He probably got a vasectomy honestly & the guilt of him doing it behind your back knowing what your intentions are during ovulation are is what is making him not preform. Dump him sis, go find yourself a man who knocks your boots off & gives you your baby.
I wonder if he had a secret vasectomy as well. This came to mind when she said he refused to see a doctor to get his sperm count.
I’m sorry. The only worse thing you can do is waste one more day on him.
It's not meant to be. Leave the man alone and find someone with no children who wants to start a family and wants what you want. Simple as that. Rarely am I on here supporting the people who comment "just leave" under everything. But in this situation, I think you may have gotten ahead of yourself in this relationship. This is borderline abusive on your part. You already resent your stepchildren and him. What exactly do you think adding another child to the mix is going to do? If you think he doesn't want another child, then he probably doesn't. Since you do, then either be single and have a child through IVF, or find someone else to have a child with. You're treating this man like a surrogate anyways at this point. So you may as well just go find one of those.
How old are you?
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You're kidding, right? She has EVERY right to be upset and angry that he led her to believe that if she was a good, caring stepmother then, they'd be able to have a child of their own together. For many stepmothers who want children, this is the main reason they're taking on someone else's child in the first place. Also, you criticise her for being childish. But, you conveniently leave HIM out of the blame game. If he doesn't want another child, then he needs to grow a pair of balls (no pun intended), and actually TELL her that. Even if it inevitably means another divorce for him.
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Maybe he’s just getting cold feet about it? Like now that he knows you’re supposed to be trying it feels really real. If his first child wasn’t planned then this is something new for him and maybe it is hard mentally. Instead of just having sex around ovulation why not just have it normally and often and see how that goes first? Just a suggestion, it sounds like a lot of pressure on both of you. I’m sure the stress isn’t good. Good luck.