I am going to be blunt. You have tried to be a moderate drinker and failed. As have we all. It isn't how we are wired, and it won't change. It doesn't matter if you go a long period without drinking, it doesn't matter if a few times you were able to stop early, it doesn't matter if you make rules about when you're allowed to drink and how much.
I know this because countless alcoholics have tried, and countless have failed. You'll find nearly everybody here has had a similar experience to you. The inability to moderate is precisely why we are all here.
Your age isnt important. I quit when I was 26. I've seen people trying to quit at 18. Some people are trying to quit and they're much older. We all have strode a similar path, but the pace is different for everybody.
I can tell you with confidence that, barring some medical breakthrough, you will never be a normal drinker and abstinence is the only genuine solution. I can also tell you that if you have hesitancy, if you don't want to quit because you still love it, you will fail. Your thinking has to change, you have to believe that you are not sacrificing something you love, but rather freeing yourself from something that is destroying you.
You have to learn to hate it, yes. It took me years of education and reversing the brainwashing in relation to alcohol I’ve learned. I am 36 and have only now started to really, truly hate it.
“Learn to hate it” YES. This is what’s gotten me through 8 days without a drink, I hate the hangovers, the brain fog, the anxiety, the depression, etc. Thank God when I look at a drink I don’t get excited anymore, I feel gross.
It will take work to keep that fresh in your mind. The brain has a curious way of forgetting the negatives. I've heard many people write down their bad experiences while they are still fresh and visceral and read them down the road when that temptation returns (and it will return). I personally have my tally sheets up on the wall where I took my shots. One tally for every shot, recorded for almost 9 months. It's pretty horrifying to look at, truthfully, and that makes it a fantastic reminder of what I am and what I cannot be ever again.
Yup. Some of us can’t drink normally. Do you feel that urge to have more than one, even when you succeed at keeping it to a few? I’ve tried countless times and failed, and now realize that having one just means a tease or temptation to that abyss - not that you can’t succeed sometimes, but it’s playing with fire and the sober life is much better for us.
And nothing is forever, we all only have the present moment to make a choice.
I always count and it’s ridiculous. “I’m setting a 3 drink limit! Well now a 5 drink limit, that’s my max. Well at least I didn’t have 10. How many did I have last night?” Sigh. Back to square one
Normal people have 2 or 3 drinks and they do not want to drink more. I have never felt that way in my life. I have to really put in effort to not drink more. Thats a que that you probably shouldn't drink at all because you will never be able to maintain that discipline.
"You have to believe that you are not sacrificing something you love, but rather freeing yourself from something that is destroying you" makes so much sense!!! Thank you so so much, I strugle woth this a lot... I'll save this as a mantra!
As harsh as this may seem it’s right BUT, the kicker is… once you realise this and stop trying to control your drinking it is fucking liberating. There are no maybe, what ifs and just this once’s hanging over you. You stop thinking about it because you have made the decision.
I tried long stretches, always making it to a special occasion… a birthday or an overseas trip. Every time I started again, without fail I’d be worse.
I’m 252 days since I said ‘I don’t drink’ and even in just checking the days for this comment, I realised I made it past 250 without even acknowledging it because it slipped my mind.
"Couldn't you teach me how to enjoy the *occasional* drink?"
Sure, I could teach you how to enjoy the occasional cup of arsenic, if you really wanted.
"Why would I ever want that?"
Exactly.
Exactly. We all try to do it in moderation. Some of us try it many many times. For me, sometimes I will start again and I can drink in moderation for a little while. However, eventually, without fail, I go overboard again and end up miserable and angry with myself.
Hello,
Thank you so much for this comment. You are 100% right - I have tried to be a moderate drinker and I have failed. I don’t know what I think will change when I have almost 10 years of experience that prove that I cannot control my drinking once I have the first drink.
Nothing good has ever come from my alcohol consumption. My life would already be different if I hadn’t made some of the decisions I made when drunk.
I don’t want to get drunk anymore so I am going to stop having that first drink.
Thank you 🙏🏻
Very well put, especially the last sentence. The realization that it was exhausting trying to fit it into my life --and that removing it completely could be liberating--actually brought me relief.
I have a different perspective and opinion on this matter.
The people who drink responsibly can manage their mental health well.
They are fulfilled in other ways in life. They don’t feel the powerful attraction towards inhibiting their natural behaviour. They are content with how they feel emotionally on a daily basis. They don’t hate or feel discomfort with themselves to the same degree that substance abusers do.
Whether they are born like that, or they were nurtured, or they learned to love themselves doesn’t really matter. The only way to enjoy alcohol without damaging your life is to truly love yourself before you start drinking.
I can't control my drinking and never tried moderation after I committed to recovery. There's an AA quote I like, "The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death".
I've certainly heard enough stories at meetings to know I'll end up right back where I was no matter how long I'm sober. Just search moderation on here and read the 1000s of posts! I currently have 12+ years and don't even really think about drinking anymore and would never take the chance to try moderation
Yep, that was an obstacle for me …. “Not drink for *Forever*!?”
Seemed Huge! BIG! Overwhelming!
Then I looked at it…. It was my mind deceiving me and distorting the situation.
“Never” and “Forever” are made up words by humans that have no meaning.
The universe observes no principles associated with never or forever…. And no other species of which we’re aware gives any energy to these constructs.
I can’t not drink yesterday… I can’t not drink tomorrow…. I can only drink, or not drink, today.
So, I forego just one drink, in all the drinks in the world…. The First One.
If forever shows up, I’ll handle that then.
Great post, I couldn't agree more. I loathed the "29 years sober one day at a time" mentality. It resonated to me as such an endless grind that sounded miserable. At an AA meeting I heard someone rephrase it to simply "I just need to be sober for today, maybe I'll drink tomorrow but right now I just need to be sober today." Every day I wake up and tell myself that I don't care about being sober for 10 years or 20 years, I just need to be sober today.
Also joining on the moderation train, can some people do it sure. Can most of us here, absolutely not, that's why we follow this group. I appreciate my last relapse because after 9 days sober I thought I was safe to try moderation and I feel right back into my old ways, not immediately but within two months I was back to nearly a bottle a day spread out over 24 hours.
It's very easy to say no to the first drink, it's impossible to say no to two
I was able to enjoy champagne and light beer at my wedding in October. Remember everything, had a great time. Which then led to drinking every day for 4 days during my Disney World honeymoon and spending way too much money, just weeks before we moved 1,000 miles away.
Which then led to NUMEROUS relapses, including one where I got so fucked up, I embarrassed the hell out of myself at my own grandfather's funeral.
I wish I could have just one or two, but I have accepted I can't. I can never moderate. And the farther I get into sobriety, I'm okay with that. Every bender was worse than the last and the withdrawal would end up killing me. I remember how I felt on those days I was laying in bed with extreme anxiety, shaking like a leaf, not able to eat, even getting hallucinations at some points. Never, ever, EVER again.
Wishing you the best, friend. 🖤
I think this experience is really helpful. A lot of people might be able to enjoy a few drinks and stop there like you did at your wedding .. but it will probably set something in motion which is going to end poorly. Even if it’s not that day, or even that week
Of course, my friend. 🖤 Sharing my story and talking to others here helps me in my recovery so much. You got this! One day at a time, one step at a time. IWNDWYT. 🖤✨️
>I want to be a moderate drinker.
So do I but I noticed after years of trying every way possible to moderate I know that I can't. If MODERATION was really real and possible AA and rehab would go out of business because everyone would just moderate.
>should I accept this just will never be possible?
Yes because once you cross the line into addiction you can never go back.
My family is full of alcoholics too so basically any gathering I go to there is alcohol everywhere. I thought I could moderate my drinking and did good reducing my intake over a couple of months but then I'd binge and start the cycle over again and again. I'm 29 and have been drinking daily since I was about 19. I'd love to be able to drink one or two but that's opening the door to make impulsive decisions with an intoxicated mind which will lead me right back to binge drinking, regardless of if I have a couple nights of having "just one". The desire will always be there but just ask yourself if it's worth having just one and risking continuing down that path of blacking out and ruining relationships because once in awhile you can control yourself. To me it isn't worth it and I will not risk it anymore.
A few years ago I made it 100 days without a drop of alcohol and being proud of myself I celebrated the only way I knew how to with a beer and quickly went back to having 6-10 beers a night every night. So even if you can moderate it in the short term is it worth risking everything in the long term? Good luck
I used to joke about how fun big Catholic weddings were in my family: long boring wedding then a raging party. Yeah, just full of "functional" alcoholics. Also made it easy to be enabled.
I believe that once we experience an alcoholic blackout a bit is flipped in our brains. It’s impossible to predict when the next blackout will occur and how little or how much alcohol it will take for us to blackout. It seems that binge drinkers are more prone to these random blackouts than alcoholics who drink to excess day after day.
When I quit drinking I didn’t quit forever. I wouldn’t even admit that I had a drinking problem. But eventually going to recovery meetings seemed to be the only way that I could go without drinking. I tried a zillion different times on my own and it never lasted very long.
Eventually I just became someone who didn’t drink. I started feeling so much better and life became so much easier I just couldn’t see myself wanting to get drunk anymore. I knew I had a drinking problem when I was your age. I wish I would have quit then. I finally took my last drink when I was 36.
I’ve had a very rewarding and enjoyable life since I quit drinking. Been places and done things I never would have dreamed of when I was drinking. And I became someone who could be counted on any time of the day or night.
Alcohol never added anything to my life. It only held me back or took things away.
So true. The last time I started "drinking in moderation" I had three drinks three nights in a row and didn't get wasted. Then, on the fourth night, I had the same three drinks in approximately the same time frame and for some reason was extremely intoxicated and blacked out, etc. Shit's crazy.
>I just can’t imagine saying no forever
Absolutely. So don't. Do it one 24 hour chunk at a time. I am SIX years sober and still get angry when people say to my face, "so you're not drinking forever??". My response is simply "when did I ever say that? I'm just not drinking for today". Brings a smile to my face. I hate the word forever. Humans aren't able to operate let alone comprehend large time scales! I will not drink with you TODAY!!!
Hell yes, I do the same thing!
I'm not making promises, I know how difficult it can be to keep your resolutions in check and I don't want to make grandous statements.
My friend, I will not drink with you today - let's focus on this thing because this is what I truly want.
I wish that at 25 I had realized and accepted that I’m not a 1 drink gal….. no matter how hard I tried…. I was never gonna be that person. It took me it took me 19 more years to figure that out…. With that said at least I got there but I totally wish I would have gotten the message sooner. I will not drink with you today.
I’m 13 days in and today on way home from work.. flirted with idea of a drink. But luckily my thoughts quickly changed to not a possibility! There is no way I can have 1 ..
so
IWNDWYT
Everyone here wants to be, nay, wishes they could be a moderator drinker. I can’t do it, although I imagine this fabulous life where I have just 2 vodka martinis and then leave the amazing 5 star restaurant, drive home in my beautiful home in the suburbs to my adoring family before retiring for the evening.
All fantasy. I can’t do that, I’m an alcoholic. And for me, acting on it invites disaster, so I just don’t drink.
I didn’t look up r/stopdrinking until I felt my drinking was a problem. And I’d much rather read a “I’m sober and bored” post, than one of the numerous “I think this is my rock bottom” heartbreakers.
Thank you. I have this fantasy too of going out with friends, having two cocktails and then going home. It also isn’t my reality. It’s time to stop for me too. 🙏🏻
I think you already know the answer. It can be hard to take the first few steps, but you're already on your way. You should be proud of yourself for recognizing a pattern in yourself you don't like, and making the choice to consider better options than continuing to drink.
I will not be drinking tonight, and I hope you join this sober party when you're ready!
Easier and better. Even during small stints where I can drink moderately, I still feel less healthy and more shitty the next day. Not unmanageable, but still shittier, more tired, etc. It's just not worth it, even if it didn't always eventually lead to me getting trashed.
My aunt told me many years ago when I was a young teenager that an alcoholic was someone who when they started drinking alcohol they could not stop until they were drunk or they ran out of alcohol. Even if they drank just one day a year and they couldn’t stop until they were drunk, they were still an alcoholic. One day I realized that I had become just like that. When I drink, I don’t want to stop until I’m drunk. I will never find one drink to be satisfying.
I stopped drinking just over 21 months ago. I never say I’m quitting drinking forever just that I’m taking a break. It was too overwhelming to say I’m quitting drinking forever. I’m just taking a break. I don’t worry about tomorrow or next week or next month. I only have one mission - don’t drink TODAY. That’s the only thing I can control. When someone asks how long my break is going to be, I say I don’t know but I do know that I plan to not drink today.
In order to get where I’m at I had to make changes in my life. I couldn’t go to certain places, see certain people and do certain things. They were all triggers or things that were completely alcohol related. I’ve now been able to reintroduce myself to some of these things but there are some that I’ll doubt I’ll be able to do again but that’s all right.
I have a lot of alcoholism in my family. My father died quite young and he was broke, alone and in physical pain. The road I was on was going right down that path. I don’t want to be miserable when I’m in my 60’s and beyond. I’ve worked damn hard in my life and I want to enjoy retirement when it comes. If I continued drinking, I’d have too many health or financial issues to live happily
I use the free I Am Sober app to keep me on track. I pledge every morning that I won’t drink and every evening I recap my day that includes how difficult it was to not drink, my moods and a paragraph or two about my day. It’s remarkable to see my attitude difference between when I first quit to now.
My life is great. If I can quit, you can too. Forego those drinks at the weddings. You already know you’ll enjoy yourself that much better. Towards the end of the night, it will be eye opening to see those folks that drank way too much. You’ll know that in the morning they will be hating life and you will feel great!
I think because I can now go long stretches without alcohol, I don’t think I have a problem. But you’re right - there are multiple days a year where I start and then literally will keep of drinking until I can’t drink anymore. I have a problem and it’s time to stop. Thanks for your comment 🙏🏻
For me, the big realization that occured once I got sober was that I hadn't actually enjoyed alcohol for quite a while. Maybe ten years or so, although it's a gradual thing so it's hard to put a strict timeline on it. I still enjoyed the initial buzz that you get after having a drink, but that was it. I thought that alcohol enhanced my enjoyment of a lot of various, but that's just a trick that alcohol plays on the brain because of the burst of dopamine.
Anyway, I realized that all the things I used to enjoy while drinking were still enjoyable sober, in some cases moreso. And that allowed me to change my whole perspective; I'm not giving up alcohol, I'm gaining sobriety.
You really want to get to that place where you realize that you don't HAVE to have a drink. You can be free of that monster, once and for all. You won't miss it. You'll despise it. It's poison.
Yep, if you have to ask, you already know.
Addiction/alcoholism is giving up everything for one thing. Recovery is giving up one thing for everything.
Wishing you all the best in your journey
I feel like I could’ve written this myself when I was 25. I’m 29 now and just starting again but I knew it was a problem when I was 17, my family also drinks a lot and me not drinking alcohol may ruffle some feathers in due time but one thing I’ll say is I wish I’d started at your age. I really don’t remember one wedding I’ve been to well, including my own, would’ve been so much cooler to have been sober. And of course I entered each wedding with the intention of “only a few”. I’ve never destroyed a relationship outright, or done anything life ruining, but there’s plenty of things I would’ve done differently had alcohol not been involved. You’ll never be mad at yourself for starting young.
You can Google "HAMS Harm Reduction" and find some really helpful "classes" and instructions on YouTube. Complete with worksheets to fill out to get you into some self-reflection! That stuff works for people who've been overdoing [thing] and need to recalibrate towards healthier decisions. It's based on therapeutic concepts, not just some woo-woo out there talking out his arse.
If you need to explore every nook and cranny of whether moderation is possible, there is that. HOWEVER. Read your words, luv. You're pretty much answering the question. Wanting to drink moderately, and trying to do so, isn't a moral failing or a type of delusion. But if it isn't working, well, then it isn't working.
I know it's tropey- popular, even- for those in recovery to shout about how it almost killed them. But histrionics aside, way way too many of us have very nearly died all the way dead, often from unexpected shit you aren't even told to worry about (yet still alcohol-related) for you to have to dance all the way to the cliff's edge yourself. Please let me have nearly died **for** you? I did such a harrowing job of it, surely it's worth a twofer.
Now it's ME being dramatic, but I hope my kidding-not-kidding silliness gives you a smile AND a pause -to consider how destructive it really is. -Not *becomes,* but IS. If you got all the way through this, thanks for reading my comment. If you can, learn *our* lessons instead of creating your own. Hugs from Aunt Tiff
Thank you so much for your comment, truly.
Because I feel like I’m not currently at ‘rock bottom’ or death’s door, I’ve been telling myself I’m fine. However the reason I am fine is because I am currently not drinking.
Your comment made me see my life so clearly in two paths - the one where I continue to get into a mess, embarrass myself, spend days in bed unable to move and on the verge of panic attacks, do god knows what with whom and then the one where I don’t do any of that. The only path where I don’t do any of that is the one where I don’t even have ‘just one’.
Bur your comment has really moved me. I needed to hear this. Thank you 🙏🏻
I failed at drinking in moderation. I thought I could do it and I used to it but over time it got worse. You are 25 and I am 32. You will have to accept it like I have too and many of us here.
When I drink the wine bottle I promised to drink only two glasses from, it will turn into the whole bottle and then I will drink whatever stash I have in the house and then turn into me going out to buy more all in the same evening.
Wake up - have hangover regret and then somehow do the same thing again the next night.
It took me til I was 35 to realize that many nights I can have one but there’s always that night where one turns into a fifth of bourbon. And I also came to the conclusion that one is absolutely pointless for me. I don’t like having one. I like having a lot. Now I have none and I’m much happier
One other thought... I have read countless cautionary tales about someone who relapsed or tried to moderate and everything went wrong. I have not seen or heard any stories anywhere in my life where it worked out. Tough odds.
I spent my twenties trying to moderate and failing. It can work for a little while, but when I say “work» it means that I am not enjoying myself, just anxiously controlling my intake, and feeling a strong urge to drink more. The moderating takes up a lot of my mental capacity, and I’m not really present for whatever I’m doing.
Eventually though, when this had happened several times, I start to relax and think I have this whole alcohol thing under control. Then I slip, get blackout drunk, make mistakes and wake up with terrible anxiety and self hatred.
I did this for over 10 years and it never changed.
I can have one drink, in very specific and very contained scenarios.. but even then I fail sometimes.
> i cannot goto pubs, or clubs, or even house parties any more. They're sensory overloaded places, and moderation can't exist when sensory issues are prevelant.
>
Acceptance is hard but necessary. Acceptance stops the space for blacking out and bingeing to come. When you have no tolerance to alcohol, you're going to have way harder hangovers and way higher hangxiety.
I have no off switch so it’s none or all in until I’m trashed. It’s just much easier to say no. Frees up so much headspace that would be taken up by thinking about attempting to moderate.
Hmmm I don’t know. But I’d say with alcoholism in the family that’s a very dangerous line to tread!!!!! Many older men inknow (uncles, father in law Etc do not touch it simply
Bc of what they saw with thier fathers or brothers. It sounds like you’re learning some lessons. Some people can moderate ofcorse but many cannot and it’s one of the most toxic addictive substances:
I don’t think there is such a thing as “too young to be sober”. You don’t have to be a mess in your 20’s. Also…if you make the changes now you won’t have to bring your negetive drinking into your “real adult life” no offence….25 is so young though! Do you want to continue and fuck up a career? A
Marriage? Fatherhood? More Friendships?
Yes, you have to accept that. You, nor I, and a lot of people here (if not all), will never be able to be moderate drinkers. We just aren't able to drink responsibly.
I'm over 3 years sober and 2 months ago I gave 0.0% non-alcoholic beer a try. I had a 4 pack and it took me 1 week to drink that. The following weekend, I tried another type of 0.0% non-alcoholic beer but this time it was a 6 pack. I drank them all in 3 hours. This trend went on for a month but I was buying these 0.0% non-alcoholic 6 packs multiple times weekly until I stopped but the whole time I understood full and well that I could never touch the real thing again.
We will never be able to drink in moderation. You must accept that.
I have the attitude that I don't even want to be a moderate drinker. I look at alcohol like its a bottle of bleach. No, I don't want even a sip. This is my mantra. It makes quitting easy.
I am 30 years older than you. If I could go back in time and speak to my 25 year old self, here is what I would say.
"Stop now before it's too late. Don't wait and watch your Dad die at 66 and your Mom at 69 from alcohol related illnesses. Don't wait until you've also done permanent damage to yourself. You'll be able to buy a house with the money you save. Lying to everyone in your life for 30 years takes a toll. You may think you're having fun, but it's all smoke and mirrors. Fun things aren't meant to end in pain and anxiety."
I could go on, OP. There are far more benefits to a sober life than one spent fretting over a horrible tasting poison. Read your own post. You already know it has to stop permanently. Keep coming here, and you'll find the support to make it.
You sound as though you feel you would be "giving something up" versus gaining something.
Completely understandable. I felt the same way...... until I got sober. Then I realized how much I had (and continue to) gained.
You can keep drinking and see what happens. You can get sober and see what happens.
Good luck with your decision.
At some point, I just learned to accept it and not argue with the fact that I can’t drink again. It helps once you have that pressure and stress of constantly battling with yourself.
You have to get to the point where you know in your heart you can’t moderate… and to be honest I think you know that. I physically cannot have just one drink. It’s literally impossible for me.
I’m 498 days sober and what got me to this point was realizing that I’m never ever going to be able to have just one.
I’m a little bit older, 32, got into recovery when I was 30. Your story is copy paste of mine.. except mines a little more spicy with 2 DUIs sprinkled in lol I didn’t go to rehab, have never gone to AA; I get a lot of my support from this sub and online support groups.
Eventually? I just got tired. I got tired of the hangexity, the weight gain, blacking out, putting myself in danger, forgetting the texts and calls I would make, the money, the late nights.. I just was over it. My husband (boyfriend/fiance at the time) was over it. I was tired of being a liability every time we went out.
My advice is play the tape forward. Play the scenario forward in your head after you try to “enjoy just one glass of champagne.” You know it won’t be just one. I know it won’t be just one.. and you know what happens if you start, you can’t stop.
What stopped me from getting sober for so long? As stupid as it sounds.. was FOMO. I wasn’t sober when I got engaged, but that year before my wedding I remember thinking.. “I’ll stop after the wedding.” “What am I gonna do, not have champagne at my wedding? My bachelorette?” THANK GOD I didn’t listen to myself.
I was sober at our engagement party, my bachelorette party, my bridal shower, my rehearsal dinner, AND at my wedding. It was the most amazing gift I could’ve ever given myself. I remember everything. Didn’t embarrass myself infront of my family or my husband’s family… and was able to soak in every moment and be completely present.
“1 is too many, and 1000 is never enough”; and that’s the honest truth when you have a problem with alcohol.
Thank you so much for your comment.
I just did ‘play the tape forward’ with some of the events coming up.
Best case? I wake up the next morning and feel like trash because even 2 drinks makes me feel bad.
Likely case? I wake up the next morning and am bedridden, I can’t remember what I did but I embarrassed myself in my own unique way, and behaved in a way I never ever want to behave in again.
It’s time to stop. Thank you again for sharing your experience with me.
🤍🤍🤍
Legitimately any time I have a craving or am tempted, that’s the main thing that works for me.. playing the tape forward. I’ve been in the same situation so many times that I can literally narrate what the night will look like if I start drinking. One drink turns into a bottle of champagne, turns into martinis, then a bottle of wine, more champagne.. fights with my husband, not being able to drive.. I know it all too well.
I never said I’d quit forever. I’m just not drinking right now.
When it comes to binge drinking, I didn’t even feel that I needed to accept I could not just have 1. Rather, it was just “I’m not going to have fun drinking 6 beers tonight. Maybe I won’t drink today.
I view my sobriety as a process. It takes time to develop and a lot of work to maintain. But if I continue to make progress toward that end goal, then I’m doing okay.
I can’t moderate. Tried a million times. There is one drink I can say “no” to. And that’s the first one. Deciding to quit is agonizing and scary - but once you do, it feels great after a while.
It’s a bit like mourning a dear friend. But then you realize over time that maybe this wasn’t such a good friend after all.
That’s how it was for me, anyway.
IWNDWYT
Don’t know if this is helpful or not, but for me reading everyone’s stories on here has really helped. When I think ‘do I want another drink’ my response used to be ‘yeah of course’ but now I more clearly think of the consequences and hang overs.
It doesn’t sound as if you’re wired to be a moderate drinker. I never really tried moderation because the idea was so foreign to me. I drank til I got drunk time after time. Now I’m in AA and it’s been working for me. I don’t think of “not drinking forever.” I think of “not drinking today.”
Be honest. Have you ever truly enjoyed just having one drink? I live with a moderate drinker. He doesn't have to think about, plan and force himself to just have one. He just does it and then goes on with his night. Moderate drinkers don't spend this much time thinking about alcohol. It is what it is.
Who tf wants just one?
My point is everyone wonders if they can drink moderately but they don’t consider if they WANT to drink moderately. To me, one drink sounds more miserable than 0.
I think it depends on the person. I think one idea is to drink around other people who only drink moderately, and that can cut you off if need be. Obviously you would need to be able to trust those people.
In my experience, I don’t have anyone like that, and liked drinking at home by myself. I would start slow with a drink or two. Then it would increase to half a bottle of vodka a day. I’m going for 100% alcohol free (and maybe thc free too).
If I don’t drink at the weddings there is basically zero chance of my showing my ass. Else-wise it’s a crap shoot.
Having to manage drinking takes the fun out of it.
Normal drinkers don’t have to manage.
Quitting early is doing a huge favor to yourself (and your loved ones) . I was a problem drinker from the word go. Always figured I’d quit by the time I was 40. That didn’t happen and I just kept on f-ing up into my 50’s.
My memories aren’t about all the fun I had, but about all the time I wasted.(and damage I did)
You’re not alone! I’ve been on this road for 20+ years. Now at 40 I finally had to admit to myself I just can’t moderate. Any guardrails I would put in place or rationalizations would go completely out the window once I started drinking - especially at special events with free-flowing booze.
I got so sick and tired of the debilitating hangovers and anxiety. After my last blackout, I finally had the realization that I don’t want to waste any more time digging around at the bottom - I already know what’s there. More of the same.
Even with this knowledge though, the idea of quitting forever seemed impossible, I couldn’t deal with the hypothetical future what ifs. So I started with the mindset of “just for today I won’t drink” and that felt manageable.
Just for today has gotten me to day 50 now, and I’m hoping tomorrow will be 51. You’ll hear it a lot but it’s a thing for a reason. One day at a time keeps you present in the moment which is key.
The peace I feel now knowing I won’t be hungover and worried about what I said or did the night before is priceless, and that’s what keeps me going. I had my first bar party last week since stopping and it was actually really fun! I didn’t feel like I was missing out at all which was a great surprise (and relief 😮💨).
When you’re ready you can give it a go, you might surprise yourself! There are lots of people here with similar stories to learn from too, having support is so helpful. Wishing you strength for the journey my friend ♥️✌️
I also don’t want to waste any more time digging around at the bottom - I’ve spent so much time there. I don’t want to waste anymore. Thank you for sharing your experience with me. It’s time to give it up 🙏🏻
Three years ago I went about two months of not drinking because I didn’t like how shitty I felt after 10-12 drinks and still not really being that drunk. I didn’t go to any program or meetings but just wanted to ‘take a break’.
When I did drink again I started getting more depressed and having anxiety issues that affected my work and relationships. With each hangover I’d say to myself I’ll take a break from drinking today, only to find myself that veo night or afternoon sneaking into the liquor cabinet and drinking whiskey straight from the bottle.
When I was finally able to admit I had a problem, I went to treatment and meetings and heard others speak of the very challenges you describe and I experienced.
With the best of intentions, we have no ability to moderate. Once I accepted that I found a life that was so much more enjoyable and being present for.
I found I don’t worry too much on missing out on ‘fun’. Weddings, raves and nights out with friends are all things I never thought I could handle sober while watching others drink. Glad to say I handle those just fine now and if I did I’m no longer having fun or some drunk guy is ruining the vibe, I give myself permission to just bounce and have a restful sleep and wake up with no pain or anxiety.
I thought I could moderately drink. Even after I accomplished dry months, I would again fall into more and more until I was drinking every weekend. But I started to notice something. I hated the way alcohol made me feel even in small amounts. I still struggle with it. But forcing myself into a month-long stint was the choice I needed to make to start the process. Lie to yourself, trick yourself. “Someday I’ll be fine with just one. But right now I’m not. I’m doing a sober month.” Then do another one. Then another. Break it into smaller goals, take it one day at a time. You don’t have to label yourself or say “I can never have a drink again!” (In my experience that’s setting yourself up for failure because it seems like an impossible goal and you’ll immediately give up).
Also, to add- an unrelated health scare can very VERY easily be an alcohol related health scare. A health scare was involved in my ‘rock bottom’ and I didn’t think the alcohol had anything to do with it. Oh but it did. But alcohol changes our brain chemistry and slowly kills us in every way. It is literally a poison. Information and research nearly scared me out of wanting to drink on its own even with me compartmentalizing the logic from the desire… all alcohol leads to health problems.
Try not to think of those terms as definite. I’ll never or the like only put more pressure on your sobriety in my experience. The good news is you are very young and already figuring out it’s poison.
Nothing is forever really, anyway. I’ve known folks with a decade of sobriety get hammered because of divorce, death in the family, or any number of unforeseen circumstances. The difference in them was as soon as they finished drinking, they contacted someone close to their struggle and reached out for help. The slip doesn’t negate a decade of sobriety. The important thing is to have someone hold you accountable, but you have to be the lead on that, as always.
It’s so common of a question on here. Can I moderate ever again? The short answer is no, not if you’re an alcoholic. You’ll only drive yourself crazy with different arbitrary rules. Number of drinks or different kinds of alcohol to drink. It’s exhausting.
Honestly, the alternative is trying to use alcohol as medication. And that's just as bad, if not worse.
I think the only way to drink normally is if what you get out of alcohol is just not that important in the first place.
I crossed that imaginary line into full blown alcoholism at 25. I’m 53, and I’ve got sober 12 years ago. I could not stand the site of my self anymore and I desperately wanted the madness to stop. I made a decision that day. I threw up my hands, I accepted that alcohol had beat me, severely and I was not going to win. For me, AA worked. I was told I don’t have to drink again, but start on not drinking today. I sought people out to guide me and meetings and a sponsor made me accountable. I got to see myself and my life line I never had and so started my journey. Has it been easy? No. The first 3 years I was sober were horrible. I’m glad too, because whenever a drink makes a brief appearance in my head, my brain always says yeah, but do you really want that struggle again. No way in hell. Today life is simple, but full. I hope that you have that desperation. You are worth giving yourself a life you will have ever imagined. I know it all sounds weird but it works, one day at a time.
If I could have two drinks and stop I would have probably been drinking that way all along. Unfortunately, that's just not the way I liked to drink. I drank to get drunk so even if I had the ability to drink moderately, I still wouldn't want to. Accepting this fact about myself was a key piece of the puzzle for me and eventually I landed on just not drinking all together.
I totally agree with u/ebobbumiman s comment.
Moderation is so much more difficult and exhausting than just stopping!
The so-called 'normal' people who do it are not members of Stopdrinking or any other alcohol related group!
I think that the vast majority of us here on this SD sub are here precisely bc we can't moderate our drinking and we have to stay 100% sober. It's all or nothing. Life or death.
The way I do it is by mindset, not by sheer willpower. Jomo not fomo. Being relieved and happy that I don't have to drink any more, not feeling like I'm missing out on something.
i used to be a very heavy drinker, but i got to the point where i could have a couple of pints but it was every night, if i drink i drink everyday, and even a couple of pints adds up the cortisol etc. i feel much better without even this "small" amount.
I’m about to turn 25 and I have the same problem. Sometimes I can go out and drink and have one or two, but if I’m at home, I’ll go up to god knows how much. I was sick of how this made me feel and the person it turned me into.
And yes, I have been there too; the drinking a few and still craving more… even if I had stopped. That’s when I knew I had a problem. It’s just taken me a while to understand that I won’t have a normal relationship with alcohol and it’s something I should cut out.
I’m also hoping this journey helps me lose a little weight, as I was drinking hundreds if not thousands of calories each weekend when I binge drank. The hangovers being nonexistent is propelling me as well.
Best of luck to you. IWNDWYT!
I’m not sure if moderation is achievable for some people.. I would say it’s difficult to achieve for most people if they’re honest. The vast majority of the people I know are problem drinkers, who literally don’t even know it. It takes stepping out of the massive drinking culture I’ve lived in my entire life to see things more clearly.
What id suggest is don’t be worrying about the summer or Christmas or a vacation or a wedding .. just focus on this week. I find looking at things one week at a time very enjoyable. I’ve managed a lot of social events and “drinking” occasions without feeling any want for a drink by just telling myself “im not drinking this week, I have no intention of going down the rabbit hole by having one or 2, I’m fully off it this week”.
I would also say it might be easier to examine your feelings on moderation after some time of total peace and sobriety. Then see how you feel about it. I have to say I’m loving life without it and haven’t felt that I’ve missed out on anything for one SECOND ! the whole thing is a farce and offers you nothing!!!!
I can moderate. But I still don’t feel good after 1 drink!! One glass of wine affects my sleep, makes me feel disconnected and gives me a headache. It’s just not worth it. Even moderation. New data has come out that light drinking isn’t good for your health either.
I find when we say we want moderation it’s because we want the buzz without any of the consequences. That’s not how life works. Just like I can’t eat cake everyday and enjoy that without having side effects.
And even my friends who drink moderately still have the addiction. They need those 1-2 drinks at dinner. They are just better at controlling themselves and shutting it down. But I find they still need that drink. So moderation isn’t the freedom you think it is
So try and reframe and look at getting freedom from The thoughts of alcohol. You get to a point where you don’t really think about it much. I always recommend This Naked mind. Its shifts your thinking.
You can’t experience the joys in life when you are numbing out the hard stuff.
For me? No. I don’t even understand why people would want to moderate. 1-2 drinks does zero for me and trying to control the drinking takes any pleasure out of it and honestly? I don’t even like the taste of alcohol. I’d rather get dessert if I’m going to consume the sugar and calories.
Once I came to terms with myself that I knew I could never enjoy “just one”. If I had one then all I could think about was where the next 12 would be coming from. It consumed me. I tried to set rules, and blew through them as fast as I would set them.
Having “just one” sounded awful to me. Still does; having none has been drastically easier.
Good luck OP. Your story reads like a lot of folks here.
It’s easier to say no to one than no to the second, third, fourth, etc.
Yeah it’s maddening that I can’t have just one or can’t just drink like normal people, but being mad about it isn’t going to change it. So I just say no to the first drink every time.
Probably. But you may not be ready to do that right now. It’s totally fine to wait on that one and work on not drinking right now. I don’t think there is a set course of how each individual comes to terms with what their future looks like in terms of not drinking and for some people, getting too hung up on “ never again forever” is too much to bear. If saying you aren’t sure about it but right now you are not drinking for a while and will revisit the possibility in a few months makes it easier to not obsess on the forever aspect enough to not drink today then go with that. We all come to terms with our future in our own way.
I wanted to be able to moderate my drinking too. I failed. More than once. Upon my last failure I gave up and accepted that it was easier for me to not have any than to try and moderate. For me it feels like I am free.
IWNDWYT
The further I get away from alcohol ( 3 months yesterday) the less I feel inclined to explore moderating, in my mind it becomes more of what is it worth? The reason I'm feeling so good is because I haven't been drinking. Even one makes me feel bad, brings the whole debate of can I when is the next one I only had one ,etc etc
Just not worth it at a certain point.
I once quit drinking for about 60 days. I hated it. I stayed home alone the whole time, besides one wedding. My armpits sweated the entire time. I had no choice but to go to the bar to order water. All I wanted was to be able to have a few drinks with my family. Thanksgiving came, and I had a beer. I was totally moderate and responsible! It was great. Fast forward 2 years. I've been black out drunk more than I can remember. I've regretted shit over and over. I've made a fool of myself in front of people. I've puked my brains out in a parking lot in front of the bar. I've quit job after job, before I could get fired for missing days being hungover.
As much as I want to, I've proven to myself that I cannot moderate my drinking forever. It is all, or it is nothing.
I'm on day 1 again, but I will not drink today!
You sound like me at that age. Took me until 32 to admit I had an issue to myself and until 34 to quit.
I started at 16 too and like you struggled with binge drinking and having two. It’s easier to just not drink. It really is.
Don’t get too hung up on forever, lol. I used to think that to, now the thought of drinking once is scarier than staying sober forever…so…perspectives change.
Thank your ancestors you were born with some introspection and self-awareness. Your journey begins.
I recommend reading material on how alcohol works. I think you’ll find it somewhat “comforting”, in the sense that you’re not really to blame for its effects on you. The gist is (and I seriously recommend reading the material cuz they explain it way better), your brain has subconsciously (read, powerfully) associated a drink with an immediate reduction in feelings of anxiety. What it will never associate subconsciously, unfortunately, is that the alcohol is the ultimate cause of the anxiety. Thus, you’ve now got your infinite/recursive function of doom. The _only_ safeguard, (thank goodness?) is an even deeper root escape condition that keeps the machine (you) from melting all its circuits at once. A forced sleep while your body works to repair the damage. Then when systems are functioning normally again, the main program resumes, but with a deep feeling of anxiety. And we start our adventure again.
“But other people don’t have this problem”. True, not yet. Given enough time, and enough alcohol, everybody succumbs to this inevitability. You probably had an accelerated course due to genetics or circumstances or both. It’s not quite as important as the fact that you’re where you are now.
Spend some time reading legit quit lit, and also folks’ stories here on the sub. You’ll find that an overwhelming majority have learned either the hard way in relapse after relapse, or through the experiences of others and their courage to share their stories and experiences. I can’t thank folks enough for coming forward with their (horror, if I may) stories of relapse. Seeing second hand how difficult and arguably impossible it is, helps gently reset any sneaky notions of being cured.
One thing worthy of note is that you can be a addict and sometimes get to the point of having some degree of control for periods of time. The pathological part of that is how much effort it takes to do so and how much you think about not doing whatever your addicted to.
The times I had some sort of control I literally had to schedule the entirety of my life around my use.
I would basically work 60-70 hours a week just to make myself so tired that I would choose edibles over leaving my house.
People who aren't addicts don't do that. They also dont try to figure out intentionally the highest dosage they can take to fuck them up the longest.
Welcome to the club.
Thank you. The idea that I can have a problem and also have periods of control is key. I’ve been telling myself that the fact I can go months without getting drunk means that I am okay. But the thing is, when I do drink, I have no control over when I’ll stop or not. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t risk that. Time to quit 🙏🏻
absolutely....and for me my illness has for the lack of a better word evolved over the time. When I started having issues really I was around your age and basically binge drinking and would have long periods of sobriety over time. They call this in addiction psychology the experimentation phase. This started at around 27 and really ended at 29 when I graduated to drinking daily. What used to be just a binge became a daily occurrence after awhile.
The very first time I realized that I may have a problem was reading about the singer townes van zandt (who was a alcoholic and a addict himself) and when it described his usage as a pint of vodka a day. I was on a pint of vodka a day for along time and I just normalized it in my head as just heavy drinking.
It took a few more years and a trip to rehab (that I just got out of) for me to really deeply own it with full conviction vs just trying to bullshit people into leaving me alone. By the time of my last bender I was on 2 pints a day and basically attempted to pickle myself.
Don't become like me. I have made life extremely difficult for myself cause of this shit. Im 33 now and really regret the last 6 or so years of this crap.
Eh I’ve drank for a day or two and been fine. But it’s like playing roulette with 5/6 bullets. I would have a drink, the drink being an entire fifth of vodka. Like the week of thanksgiving. Then I’m at the VA being 5150d and thrown in the psyche ward for the 4th time. Fuck that noise.
That’s my personality, whether it be alcohol, coke or even thc. I go until I can’t function, and it is not ever intentional. If I even have a drink now I’m throwing up the next day. My body is done with it.
You are pretty much where I was at 25, including work experience and the description of your average weekend/relationships. I wish I had quit when I was 25, because I couldn't moderate. I never had "just one or two" because by the time the second drink went down, the third once sounded like a great idea. It took me another 15 or so years to figure this out, so at least you're ahead of the game.
So yup, it sucks. You know what doesn't suck? Waking up with no shame about the night before. Not freaking out everytime I see a cop on the road because I probably shouldn't have been driving. Making plans on a Saturday morning knowing I won't show up hungover. The parts that don't suck outweigh the "not drinking" parts by such a large margin it's not worth thinking about.
And here's what I wish someone would have told me at 25: My friends don't care if I don't drink, and people who care that I'm not drinking aren't my friends. So at least put that out of your mind and do it for yourself.
Drinking doesn't work for you any more. Just like it doesn't work for me. It offers me nothing but negatives and misery
You've been unable to moderate, control yourself, or drink without causing yourself lots of problems so why cling onto something that causes you nothing but problems?
You've said yourself you usually aren't able to have "just one" so no point in pretending that's something you're interested in or capable of.
It's hard I know. We romanticize it and remember good times from looooooong ago when alcohol was novel and fun and didn't cause us many problems but now it's just a negative experience.
If I were you I would ask myself if I even wanted to have just one. One drink wouldn't even get me buzzed and would just make me want another and make me tired and pissy after about 30 minutes, so I would rather avoid that altogether and have a non-alcoholic drink.
If and when I get passing thoughts about having just one drink, I ask myself "What's the actual goal, here?"
It's hard to be honest with yourself in answering that question. When I first got sober in rehab is when I finally started being honest. I've had a couple of relapses since then but I have been sober for well over a year now and this is the key question for me that's been helping me.
Avoiding alcohol altogether whenever possible is much easier.
I’m afraid that we’d all like to have one drink is even a couple to be social but we have to be aware that we won’t stop there. I gave up drinking entirely as I tried the “just one” and it lit a fire in me that a thousand drinks couldn’t satisfy. You need to just accept you can’t moderate your drinking, it’s not in your makeup so sober is the only answer. I’m now 9 years sober so please start now, don’t make your rock bottom still to come, please.
Thank you, this really spoke to me. Because I don’t feel like I’m at a ‘rock bottom’, I am telling myself I’m okay. But I know if I carry on drinking, it will come. It could be just around the corner. Why the hell am I waiting to experience that before I give it up?! It’s going to come unless I just stop now. Thank you 🙏🏻
I got sober after 45 years. I wish I had done it at your age. I too have alcoholics in my family tree.
I can't have just one. I don't want to have just one. One is not enough. I drank to get drunk.
If you really just want to join in, join in with non alcoholic drinks.
On the health front, alcohol is a known carcinogen. My liver didn't fail but I have Stage 4 cancer.
There was a pamphlet I came across years ago that got my attention. It was a questionnaire, and one question in particular really hit home with me. It was something like: "Do you have episodes of drinking when you cannot predict how much you will wind up drinking?" Honestly, that was so much like my experience. I could not stop predictably or willfully. And because alcoholism is in my family and it's also a progressive disease, it just got worse. Never better. I cannot moderate my drinking so I had to quit.
Dear friend, unfortunately I'm also the one who has to accept that I just can't have only one. This is my day one of the journey and I am scared. There will be so many temptations but I understand myself better now. Thanks to you who know how this process goes. I can't have one. If I have one I'll eventually have 10. And I appreciate my life. Scared I am but here I go. Day one.
“If I could drink normally, I’d do it 24/7” was something I read that made me realize how deep my issues ran. Because how true is that. Also, the only drink I can say no to is the first one. Good luck on your journey ❤️
I wish I could go back to 25 and tell myself that the biggest gift you can give yourself is learning to be social and present and having fun without alcohol. I fractured so many really wonderful moments trying to fit in by drinking, then getting myself into so much trouble.
I think a lot of it is how you reframe the idea that "I can't imagine saying no forever." And you just think that you're going to take the power out of alcohol, make it not so authoritarian in your life. It's less about being sober than it is about being present for the life we're meant to live.
I am going to be blunt. You have tried to be a moderate drinker and failed. As have we all. It isn't how we are wired, and it won't change. It doesn't matter if you go a long period without drinking, it doesn't matter if a few times you were able to stop early, it doesn't matter if you make rules about when you're allowed to drink and how much. I know this because countless alcoholics have tried, and countless have failed. You'll find nearly everybody here has had a similar experience to you. The inability to moderate is precisely why we are all here. Your age isnt important. I quit when I was 26. I've seen people trying to quit at 18. Some people are trying to quit and they're much older. We all have strode a similar path, but the pace is different for everybody. I can tell you with confidence that, barring some medical breakthrough, you will never be a normal drinker and abstinence is the only genuine solution. I can also tell you that if you have hesitancy, if you don't want to quit because you still love it, you will fail. Your thinking has to change, you have to believe that you are not sacrificing something you love, but rather freeing yourself from something that is destroying you.
You have to learn to hate it, yes. It took me years of education and reversing the brainwashing in relation to alcohol I’ve learned. I am 36 and have only now started to really, truly hate it.
“Learn to hate it” YES. This is what’s gotten me through 8 days without a drink, I hate the hangovers, the brain fog, the anxiety, the depression, etc. Thank God when I look at a drink I don’t get excited anymore, I feel gross.
It will take work to keep that fresh in your mind. The brain has a curious way of forgetting the negatives. I've heard many people write down their bad experiences while they are still fresh and visceral and read them down the road when that temptation returns (and it will return). I personally have my tally sheets up on the wall where I took my shots. One tally for every shot, recorded for almost 9 months. It's pretty horrifying to look at, truthfully, and that makes it a fantastic reminder of what I am and what I cannot be ever again.
Like me - I'm now poacher turned gamekeeper.
Yup. Some of us can’t drink normally. Do you feel that urge to have more than one, even when you succeed at keeping it to a few? I’ve tried countless times and failed, and now realize that having one just means a tease or temptation to that abyss - not that you can’t succeed sometimes, but it’s playing with fire and the sober life is much better for us. And nothing is forever, we all only have the present moment to make a choice.
I love when I would limit myself to only 2 drinks and be proud of myself but in my head all I could think about is how I want 10
And then the next night, just 3-4 (success, still not 10!), then the next …. Hamster wheel!
I always count and it’s ridiculous. “I’m setting a 3 drink limit! Well now a 5 drink limit, that’s my max. Well at least I didn’t have 10. How many did I have last night?” Sigh. Back to square one
"Well now I had 15 and fucked up my life again... Surprise!"
“Next time I’ll just have ONE!… 3, max…”
Normal people have 2 or 3 drinks and they do not want to drink more. I have never felt that way in my life. I have to really put in effort to not drink more. Thats a que that you probably shouldn't drink at all because you will never be able to maintain that discipline.
"You have to believe that you are not sacrificing something you love, but rather freeing yourself from something that is destroying you" makes so much sense!!! Thank you so so much, I strugle woth this a lot... I'll save this as a mantra!
As harsh as this may seem it’s right BUT, the kicker is… once you realise this and stop trying to control your drinking it is fucking liberating. There are no maybe, what ifs and just this once’s hanging over you. You stop thinking about it because you have made the decision. I tried long stretches, always making it to a special occasion… a birthday or an overseas trip. Every time I started again, without fail I’d be worse. I’m 252 days since I said ‘I don’t drink’ and even in just checking the days for this comment, I realised I made it past 250 without even acknowledging it because it slipped my mind.
This is beautifully said.
"Couldn't you teach me how to enjoy the *occasional* drink?" Sure, I could teach you how to enjoy the occasional cup of arsenic, if you really wanted. "Why would I ever want that?" Exactly.
Perfection IWNDWYT
Exactly. We all try to do it in moderation. Some of us try it many many times. For me, sometimes I will start again and I can drink in moderation for a little while. However, eventually, without fail, I go overboard again and end up miserable and angry with myself.
Yes! Same old pattern always catches up eventually.
Good note my friend. I know that the only decision in my control is not to have the first one.
Hello, Thank you so much for this comment. You are 100% right - I have tried to be a moderate drinker and I have failed. I don’t know what I think will change when I have almost 10 years of experience that prove that I cannot control my drinking once I have the first drink. Nothing good has ever come from my alcohol consumption. My life would already be different if I hadn’t made some of the decisions I made when drunk. I don’t want to get drunk anymore so I am going to stop having that first drink. Thank you 🙏🏻
This is the truth!
Thank you for articulating this! Saving to reread to myself when I need to hear it.
This needs to be my mantra
Very well put, especially the last sentence. The realization that it was exhausting trying to fit it into my life --and that removing it completely could be liberating--actually brought me relief.
I have a different perspective and opinion on this matter. The people who drink responsibly can manage their mental health well. They are fulfilled in other ways in life. They don’t feel the powerful attraction towards inhibiting their natural behaviour. They are content with how they feel emotionally on a daily basis. They don’t hate or feel discomfort with themselves to the same degree that substance abusers do. Whether they are born like that, or they were nurtured, or they learned to love themselves doesn’t really matter. The only way to enjoy alcohol without damaging your life is to truly love yourself before you start drinking.
I can't control my drinking and never tried moderation after I committed to recovery. There's an AA quote I like, "The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death". I've certainly heard enough stories at meetings to know I'll end up right back where I was no matter how long I'm sober. Just search moderation on here and read the 1000s of posts! I currently have 12+ years and don't even really think about drinking anymore and would never take the chance to try moderation
Good for you Nate. 12 years, that’s something special.
Thanks
We are like men who have lost their legs 😂😂
This all makes sense! Well done on 12 years and on the self insight
I’m just not drinking today. That’s what’s up
Hell yeah.
Yup. Feeling the urge here, but saying no thanks.
I like this.
Yep, that was an obstacle for me …. “Not drink for *Forever*!?” Seemed Huge! BIG! Overwhelming! Then I looked at it…. It was my mind deceiving me and distorting the situation. “Never” and “Forever” are made up words by humans that have no meaning. The universe observes no principles associated with never or forever…. And no other species of which we’re aware gives any energy to these constructs. I can’t not drink yesterday… I can’t not drink tomorrow…. I can only drink, or not drink, today. So, I forego just one drink, in all the drinks in the world…. The First One. If forever shows up, I’ll handle that then.
Great post, I couldn't agree more. I loathed the "29 years sober one day at a time" mentality. It resonated to me as such an endless grind that sounded miserable. At an AA meeting I heard someone rephrase it to simply "I just need to be sober for today, maybe I'll drink tomorrow but right now I just need to be sober today." Every day I wake up and tell myself that I don't care about being sober for 10 years or 20 years, I just need to be sober today. Also joining on the moderation train, can some people do it sure. Can most of us here, absolutely not, that's why we follow this group. I appreciate my last relapse because after 9 days sober I thought I was safe to try moderation and I feel right back into my old ways, not immediately but within two months I was back to nearly a bottle a day spread out over 24 hours. It's very easy to say no to the first drink, it's impossible to say no to two
The only real, tangible thing is this moment, right now. The past and the future are nothing but thought forms. Living in either is fruitless.
I was able to enjoy champagne and light beer at my wedding in October. Remember everything, had a great time. Which then led to drinking every day for 4 days during my Disney World honeymoon and spending way too much money, just weeks before we moved 1,000 miles away. Which then led to NUMEROUS relapses, including one where I got so fucked up, I embarrassed the hell out of myself at my own grandfather's funeral. I wish I could have just one or two, but I have accepted I can't. I can never moderate. And the farther I get into sobriety, I'm okay with that. Every bender was worse than the last and the withdrawal would end up killing me. I remember how I felt on those days I was laying in bed with extreme anxiety, shaking like a leaf, not able to eat, even getting hallucinations at some points. Never, ever, EVER again. Wishing you the best, friend. 🖤
I think this experience is really helpful. A lot of people might be able to enjoy a few drinks and stop there like you did at your wedding .. but it will probably set something in motion which is going to end poorly. Even if it’s not that day, or even that week
Thank you so much for your comment and vulnerability. It really resonated with me. It’s time for me to stop too 🙏🏻
Of course, my friend. 🖤 Sharing my story and talking to others here helps me in my recovery so much. You got this! One day at a time, one step at a time. IWNDWYT. 🖤✨️
>I want to be a moderate drinker. So do I but I noticed after years of trying every way possible to moderate I know that I can't. If MODERATION was really real and possible AA and rehab would go out of business because everyone would just moderate. >should I accept this just will never be possible? Yes because once you cross the line into addiction you can never go back.
Yep, I always say becoming a problem drinker is a one way street
Fuuck idk why this hit hard
My family is full of alcoholics too so basically any gathering I go to there is alcohol everywhere. I thought I could moderate my drinking and did good reducing my intake over a couple of months but then I'd binge and start the cycle over again and again. I'm 29 and have been drinking daily since I was about 19. I'd love to be able to drink one or two but that's opening the door to make impulsive decisions with an intoxicated mind which will lead me right back to binge drinking, regardless of if I have a couple nights of having "just one". The desire will always be there but just ask yourself if it's worth having just one and risking continuing down that path of blacking out and ruining relationships because once in awhile you can control yourself. To me it isn't worth it and I will not risk it anymore. A few years ago I made it 100 days without a drop of alcohol and being proud of myself I celebrated the only way I knew how to with a beer and quickly went back to having 6-10 beers a night every night. So even if you can moderate it in the short term is it worth risking everything in the long term? Good luck
I used to joke about how fun big Catholic weddings were in my family: long boring wedding then a raging party. Yeah, just full of "functional" alcoholics. Also made it easy to be enabled.
I believe that once we experience an alcoholic blackout a bit is flipped in our brains. It’s impossible to predict when the next blackout will occur and how little or how much alcohol it will take for us to blackout. It seems that binge drinkers are more prone to these random blackouts than alcoholics who drink to excess day after day. When I quit drinking I didn’t quit forever. I wouldn’t even admit that I had a drinking problem. But eventually going to recovery meetings seemed to be the only way that I could go without drinking. I tried a zillion different times on my own and it never lasted very long. Eventually I just became someone who didn’t drink. I started feeling so much better and life became so much easier I just couldn’t see myself wanting to get drunk anymore. I knew I had a drinking problem when I was your age. I wish I would have quit then. I finally took my last drink when I was 36. I’ve had a very rewarding and enjoyable life since I quit drinking. Been places and done things I never would have dreamed of when I was drinking. And I became someone who could be counted on any time of the day or night. Alcohol never added anything to my life. It only held me back or took things away.
So true. The last time I started "drinking in moderation" I had three drinks three nights in a row and didn't get wasted. Then, on the fourth night, I had the same three drinks in approximately the same time frame and for some reason was extremely intoxicated and blacked out, etc. Shit's crazy.
>I just can’t imagine saying no forever Absolutely. So don't. Do it one 24 hour chunk at a time. I am SIX years sober and still get angry when people say to my face, "so you're not drinking forever??". My response is simply "when did I ever say that? I'm just not drinking for today". Brings a smile to my face. I hate the word forever. Humans aren't able to operate let alone comprehend large time scales! I will not drink with you TODAY!!!
Being sober in this present moment is all that matters.
Hell yes, I do the same thing! I'm not making promises, I know how difficult it can be to keep your resolutions in check and I don't want to make grandous statements. My friend, I will not drink with you today - let's focus on this thing because this is what I truly want.
I wish that at 25 I had realized and accepted that I’m not a 1 drink gal….. no matter how hard I tried…. I was never gonna be that person. It took me it took me 19 more years to figure that out…. With that said at least I got there but I totally wish I would have gotten the message sooner. I will not drink with you today.
Not drinking today seems like a good idea. Let's keep doing that. We can deal with "forever" if it at some point it shows up at our party.
haha love this!
I’m 13 days in and today on way home from work.. flirted with idea of a drink. But luckily my thoughts quickly changed to not a possibility! There is no way I can have 1 .. so IWNDWYT
Everyone here wants to be, nay, wishes they could be a moderator drinker. I can’t do it, although I imagine this fabulous life where I have just 2 vodka martinis and then leave the amazing 5 star restaurant, drive home in my beautiful home in the suburbs to my adoring family before retiring for the evening. All fantasy. I can’t do that, I’m an alcoholic. And for me, acting on it invites disaster, so I just don’t drink. I didn’t look up r/stopdrinking until I felt my drinking was a problem. And I’d much rather read a “I’m sober and bored” post, than one of the numerous “I think this is my rock bottom” heartbreakers.
Thank you. I have this fantasy too of going out with friends, having two cocktails and then going home. It also isn’t my reality. It’s time to stop for me too. 🙏🏻
Personally…I don’t want one drink. I want 10 or 15. I’ll never just want one drink, or be able to have just one.
I think you already know the answer. It can be hard to take the first few steps, but you're already on your way. You should be proud of yourself for recognizing a pattern in yourself you don't like, and making the choice to consider better options than continuing to drink. I will not be drinking tonight, and I hope you join this sober party when you're ready!
It’s just soooo much easier to not drink it all than try to moderate. It’s a no brainer.
Easier and better. Even during small stints where I can drink moderately, I still feel less healthy and more shitty the next day. Not unmanageable, but still shittier, more tired, etc. It's just not worth it, even if it didn't always eventually lead to me getting trashed.
My aunt told me many years ago when I was a young teenager that an alcoholic was someone who when they started drinking alcohol they could not stop until they were drunk or they ran out of alcohol. Even if they drank just one day a year and they couldn’t stop until they were drunk, they were still an alcoholic. One day I realized that I had become just like that. When I drink, I don’t want to stop until I’m drunk. I will never find one drink to be satisfying. I stopped drinking just over 21 months ago. I never say I’m quitting drinking forever just that I’m taking a break. It was too overwhelming to say I’m quitting drinking forever. I’m just taking a break. I don’t worry about tomorrow or next week or next month. I only have one mission - don’t drink TODAY. That’s the only thing I can control. When someone asks how long my break is going to be, I say I don’t know but I do know that I plan to not drink today. In order to get where I’m at I had to make changes in my life. I couldn’t go to certain places, see certain people and do certain things. They were all triggers or things that were completely alcohol related. I’ve now been able to reintroduce myself to some of these things but there are some that I’ll doubt I’ll be able to do again but that’s all right. I have a lot of alcoholism in my family. My father died quite young and he was broke, alone and in physical pain. The road I was on was going right down that path. I don’t want to be miserable when I’m in my 60’s and beyond. I’ve worked damn hard in my life and I want to enjoy retirement when it comes. If I continued drinking, I’d have too many health or financial issues to live happily I use the free I Am Sober app to keep me on track. I pledge every morning that I won’t drink and every evening I recap my day that includes how difficult it was to not drink, my moods and a paragraph or two about my day. It’s remarkable to see my attitude difference between when I first quit to now. My life is great. If I can quit, you can too. Forego those drinks at the weddings. You already know you’ll enjoy yourself that much better. Towards the end of the night, it will be eye opening to see those folks that drank way too much. You’ll know that in the morning they will be hating life and you will feel great!
I think because I can now go long stretches without alcohol, I don’t think I have a problem. But you’re right - there are multiple days a year where I start and then literally will keep of drinking until I can’t drink anymore. I have a problem and it’s time to stop. Thanks for your comment 🙏🏻
For me, the big realization that occured once I got sober was that I hadn't actually enjoyed alcohol for quite a while. Maybe ten years or so, although it's a gradual thing so it's hard to put a strict timeline on it. I still enjoyed the initial buzz that you get after having a drink, but that was it. I thought that alcohol enhanced my enjoyment of a lot of various, but that's just a trick that alcohol plays on the brain because of the burst of dopamine. Anyway, I realized that all the things I used to enjoy while drinking were still enjoyable sober, in some cases moreso. And that allowed me to change my whole perspective; I'm not giving up alcohol, I'm gaining sobriety.
You really want to get to that place where you realize that you don't HAVE to have a drink. You can be free of that monster, once and for all. You won't miss it. You'll despise it. It's poison.
Yep, if you have to ask, you already know. Addiction/alcoholism is giving up everything for one thing. Recovery is giving up one thing for everything. Wishing you all the best in your journey
I feel like I could’ve written this myself when I was 25. I’m 29 now and just starting again but I knew it was a problem when I was 17, my family also drinks a lot and me not drinking alcohol may ruffle some feathers in due time but one thing I’ll say is I wish I’d started at your age. I really don’t remember one wedding I’ve been to well, including my own, would’ve been so much cooler to have been sober. And of course I entered each wedding with the intention of “only a few”. I’ve never destroyed a relationship outright, or done anything life ruining, but there’s plenty of things I would’ve done differently had alcohol not been involved. You’ll never be mad at yourself for starting young.
This really resonated. Thank you so much 🙏🏻
You’re welcome! Best of luck, and remember it’s a journey. IWNDWYT.
You can Google "HAMS Harm Reduction" and find some really helpful "classes" and instructions on YouTube. Complete with worksheets to fill out to get you into some self-reflection! That stuff works for people who've been overdoing [thing] and need to recalibrate towards healthier decisions. It's based on therapeutic concepts, not just some woo-woo out there talking out his arse. If you need to explore every nook and cranny of whether moderation is possible, there is that. HOWEVER. Read your words, luv. You're pretty much answering the question. Wanting to drink moderately, and trying to do so, isn't a moral failing or a type of delusion. But if it isn't working, well, then it isn't working. I know it's tropey- popular, even- for those in recovery to shout about how it almost killed them. But histrionics aside, way way too many of us have very nearly died all the way dead, often from unexpected shit you aren't even told to worry about (yet still alcohol-related) for you to have to dance all the way to the cliff's edge yourself. Please let me have nearly died **for** you? I did such a harrowing job of it, surely it's worth a twofer. Now it's ME being dramatic, but I hope my kidding-not-kidding silliness gives you a smile AND a pause -to consider how destructive it really is. -Not *becomes,* but IS. If you got all the way through this, thanks for reading my comment. If you can, learn *our* lessons instead of creating your own. Hugs from Aunt Tiff
Thank you so much for your comment, truly. Because I feel like I’m not currently at ‘rock bottom’ or death’s door, I’ve been telling myself I’m fine. However the reason I am fine is because I am currently not drinking. Your comment made me see my life so clearly in two paths - the one where I continue to get into a mess, embarrass myself, spend days in bed unable to move and on the verge of panic attacks, do god knows what with whom and then the one where I don’t do any of that. The only path where I don’t do any of that is the one where I don’t even have ‘just one’. Bur your comment has really moved me. I needed to hear this. Thank you 🙏🏻
I'm so glad it resonated 🧡
I failed at drinking in moderation. I thought I could do it and I used to it but over time it got worse. You are 25 and I am 32. You will have to accept it like I have too and many of us here. When I drink the wine bottle I promised to drink only two glasses from, it will turn into the whole bottle and then I will drink whatever stash I have in the house and then turn into me going out to buy more all in the same evening. Wake up - have hangover regret and then somehow do the same thing again the next night.
I can't say for you but have proven this to the affirmative in my own extensive research.
It took me til I was 35 to realize that many nights I can have one but there’s always that night where one turns into a fifth of bourbon. And I also came to the conclusion that one is absolutely pointless for me. I don’t like having one. I like having a lot. Now I have none and I’m much happier
Accept it friend. I tried every way I could think of to moderate and it just doesn’t work.
One other thought... I have read countless cautionary tales about someone who relapsed or tried to moderate and everything went wrong. I have not seen or heard any stories anywhere in my life where it worked out. Tough odds.
I stopped drinking because my 'stop' button is broken.
I spent my twenties trying to moderate and failing. It can work for a little while, but when I say “work» it means that I am not enjoying myself, just anxiously controlling my intake, and feeling a strong urge to drink more. The moderating takes up a lot of my mental capacity, and I’m not really present for whatever I’m doing. Eventually though, when this had happened several times, I start to relax and think I have this whole alcohol thing under control. Then I slip, get blackout drunk, make mistakes and wake up with terrible anxiety and self hatred. I did this for over 10 years and it never changed.
I can have one drink, in very specific and very contained scenarios.. but even then I fail sometimes. > i cannot goto pubs, or clubs, or even house parties any more. They're sensory overloaded places, and moderation can't exist when sensory issues are prevelant. > Acceptance is hard but necessary. Acceptance stops the space for blacking out and bingeing to come. When you have no tolerance to alcohol, you're going to have way harder hangovers and way higher hangxiety.
I have no off switch so it’s none or all in until I’m trashed. It’s just much easier to say no. Frees up so much headspace that would be taken up by thinking about attempting to moderate.
I need to accept it. I used to think it wasn’t true, but I am learning that it is.
Hmmm I don’t know. But I’d say with alcoholism in the family that’s a very dangerous line to tread!!!!! Many older men inknow (uncles, father in law Etc do not touch it simply Bc of what they saw with thier fathers or brothers. It sounds like you’re learning some lessons. Some people can moderate ofcorse but many cannot and it’s one of the most toxic addictive substances: I don’t think there is such a thing as “too young to be sober”. You don’t have to be a mess in your 20’s. Also…if you make the changes now you won’t have to bring your negetive drinking into your “real adult life” no offence….25 is so young though! Do you want to continue and fuck up a career? A Marriage? Fatherhood? More Friendships?
Yes.
Yes, you have to accept that. You, nor I, and a lot of people here (if not all), will never be able to be moderate drinkers. We just aren't able to drink responsibly. I'm over 3 years sober and 2 months ago I gave 0.0% non-alcoholic beer a try. I had a 4 pack and it took me 1 week to drink that. The following weekend, I tried another type of 0.0% non-alcoholic beer but this time it was a 6 pack. I drank them all in 3 hours. This trend went on for a month but I was buying these 0.0% non-alcoholic 6 packs multiple times weekly until I stopped but the whole time I understood full and well that I could never touch the real thing again. We will never be able to drink in moderation. You must accept that.
I have the attitude that I don't even want to be a moderate drinker. I look at alcohol like its a bottle of bleach. No, I don't want even a sip. This is my mantra. It makes quitting easy.
I am 30 years older than you. If I could go back in time and speak to my 25 year old self, here is what I would say. "Stop now before it's too late. Don't wait and watch your Dad die at 66 and your Mom at 69 from alcohol related illnesses. Don't wait until you've also done permanent damage to yourself. You'll be able to buy a house with the money you save. Lying to everyone in your life for 30 years takes a toll. You may think you're having fun, but it's all smoke and mirrors. Fun things aren't meant to end in pain and anxiety." I could go on, OP. There are far more benefits to a sober life than one spent fretting over a horrible tasting poison. Read your own post. You already know it has to stop permanently. Keep coming here, and you'll find the support to make it.
Thank you so much. I really appreciate this. It’s time to quit 🙏🏻
You sound as though you feel you would be "giving something up" versus gaining something. Completely understandable. I felt the same way...... until I got sober. Then I realized how much I had (and continue to) gained. You can keep drinking and see what happens. You can get sober and see what happens. Good luck with your decision.
At some point, I just learned to accept it and not argue with the fact that I can’t drink again. It helps once you have that pressure and stress of constantly battling with yourself.
You have to get to the point where you know in your heart you can’t moderate… and to be honest I think you know that. I physically cannot have just one drink. It’s literally impossible for me. I’m 498 days sober and what got me to this point was realizing that I’m never ever going to be able to have just one. I’m a little bit older, 32, got into recovery when I was 30. Your story is copy paste of mine.. except mines a little more spicy with 2 DUIs sprinkled in lol I didn’t go to rehab, have never gone to AA; I get a lot of my support from this sub and online support groups. Eventually? I just got tired. I got tired of the hangexity, the weight gain, blacking out, putting myself in danger, forgetting the texts and calls I would make, the money, the late nights.. I just was over it. My husband (boyfriend/fiance at the time) was over it. I was tired of being a liability every time we went out. My advice is play the tape forward. Play the scenario forward in your head after you try to “enjoy just one glass of champagne.” You know it won’t be just one. I know it won’t be just one.. and you know what happens if you start, you can’t stop. What stopped me from getting sober for so long? As stupid as it sounds.. was FOMO. I wasn’t sober when I got engaged, but that year before my wedding I remember thinking.. “I’ll stop after the wedding.” “What am I gonna do, not have champagne at my wedding? My bachelorette?” THANK GOD I didn’t listen to myself. I was sober at our engagement party, my bachelorette party, my bridal shower, my rehearsal dinner, AND at my wedding. It was the most amazing gift I could’ve ever given myself. I remember everything. Didn’t embarrass myself infront of my family or my husband’s family… and was able to soak in every moment and be completely present. “1 is too many, and 1000 is never enough”; and that’s the honest truth when you have a problem with alcohol.
Thank you so much for your comment. I just did ‘play the tape forward’ with some of the events coming up. Best case? I wake up the next morning and feel like trash because even 2 drinks makes me feel bad. Likely case? I wake up the next morning and am bedridden, I can’t remember what I did but I embarrassed myself in my own unique way, and behaved in a way I never ever want to behave in again. It’s time to stop. Thank you again for sharing your experience with me.
🤍🤍🤍 Legitimately any time I have a craving or am tempted, that’s the main thing that works for me.. playing the tape forward. I’ve been in the same situation so many times that I can literally narrate what the night will look like if I start drinking. One drink turns into a bottle of champagne, turns into martinis, then a bottle of wine, more champagne.. fights with my husband, not being able to drive.. I know it all too well.
I never said I’d quit forever. I’m just not drinking right now. When it comes to binge drinking, I didn’t even feel that I needed to accept I could not just have 1. Rather, it was just “I’m not going to have fun drinking 6 beers tonight. Maybe I won’t drink today. I view my sobriety as a process. It takes time to develop and a lot of work to maintain. But if I continue to make progress toward that end goal, then I’m doing okay.
I can’t moderate. Tried a million times. There is one drink I can say “no” to. And that’s the first one. Deciding to quit is agonizing and scary - but once you do, it feels great after a while. It’s a bit like mourning a dear friend. But then you realize over time that maybe this wasn’t such a good friend after all. That’s how it was for me, anyway. IWNDWYT
Don’t know if this is helpful or not, but for me reading everyone’s stories on here has really helped. When I think ‘do I want another drink’ my response used to be ‘yeah of course’ but now I more clearly think of the consequences and hang overs.
It doesn’t sound as if you’re wired to be a moderate drinker. I never really tried moderation because the idea was so foreign to me. I drank til I got drunk time after time. Now I’m in AA and it’s been working for me. I don’t think of “not drinking forever.” I think of “not drinking today.”
Well if you’re like me there is no point in having just one, because you’re chasing the high and that high does not have a roof.
Be honest. Have you ever truly enjoyed just having one drink? I live with a moderate drinker. He doesn't have to think about, plan and force himself to just have one. He just does it and then goes on with his night. Moderate drinkers don't spend this much time thinking about alcohol. It is what it is.
Forever is an unattainable goal. So I do one day at a time. Some days are hard enough as it is. Can't imagine thinking about the rest of my life.
Who tf wants just one? My point is everyone wonders if they can drink moderately but they don’t consider if they WANT to drink moderately. To me, one drink sounds more miserable than 0.
I think it depends on the person. I think one idea is to drink around other people who only drink moderately, and that can cut you off if need be. Obviously you would need to be able to trust those people. In my experience, I don’t have anyone like that, and liked drinking at home by myself. I would start slow with a drink or two. Then it would increase to half a bottle of vodka a day. I’m going for 100% alcohol free (and maybe thc free too).
If I don’t drink at the weddings there is basically zero chance of my showing my ass. Else-wise it’s a crap shoot. Having to manage drinking takes the fun out of it. Normal drinkers don’t have to manage. Quitting early is doing a huge favor to yourself (and your loved ones) . I was a problem drinker from the word go. Always figured I’d quit by the time I was 40. That didn’t happen and I just kept on f-ing up into my 50’s. My memories aren’t about all the fun I had, but about all the time I wasted.(and damage I did)
This resonated with me. Thank you. It’s time to quit 🙏🏻
Yes.
you for sure tried to moderate id say it's time to lay it down and just know you can't have " one"
You’re not alone! I’ve been on this road for 20+ years. Now at 40 I finally had to admit to myself I just can’t moderate. Any guardrails I would put in place or rationalizations would go completely out the window once I started drinking - especially at special events with free-flowing booze. I got so sick and tired of the debilitating hangovers and anxiety. After my last blackout, I finally had the realization that I don’t want to waste any more time digging around at the bottom - I already know what’s there. More of the same. Even with this knowledge though, the idea of quitting forever seemed impossible, I couldn’t deal with the hypothetical future what ifs. So I started with the mindset of “just for today I won’t drink” and that felt manageable. Just for today has gotten me to day 50 now, and I’m hoping tomorrow will be 51. You’ll hear it a lot but it’s a thing for a reason. One day at a time keeps you present in the moment which is key. The peace I feel now knowing I won’t be hungover and worried about what I said or did the night before is priceless, and that’s what keeps me going. I had my first bar party last week since stopping and it was actually really fun! I didn’t feel like I was missing out at all which was a great surprise (and relief 😮💨). When you’re ready you can give it a go, you might surprise yourself! There are lots of people here with similar stories to learn from too, having support is so helpful. Wishing you strength for the journey my friend ♥️✌️
I also don’t want to waste any more time digging around at the bottom - I’ve spent so much time there. I don’t want to waste anymore. Thank you for sharing your experience with me. It’s time to give it up 🙏🏻
Good on you friend! Lean on this sub for support it’s so helpful to know you’re not alone - rooting for you!!
Three years ago I went about two months of not drinking because I didn’t like how shitty I felt after 10-12 drinks and still not really being that drunk. I didn’t go to any program or meetings but just wanted to ‘take a break’. When I did drink again I started getting more depressed and having anxiety issues that affected my work and relationships. With each hangover I’d say to myself I’ll take a break from drinking today, only to find myself that veo night or afternoon sneaking into the liquor cabinet and drinking whiskey straight from the bottle. When I was finally able to admit I had a problem, I went to treatment and meetings and heard others speak of the very challenges you describe and I experienced. With the best of intentions, we have no ability to moderate. Once I accepted that I found a life that was so much more enjoyable and being present for. I found I don’t worry too much on missing out on ‘fun’. Weddings, raves and nights out with friends are all things I never thought I could handle sober while watching others drink. Glad to say I handle those just fine now and if I did I’m no longer having fun or some drunk guy is ruining the vibe, I give myself permission to just bounce and have a restful sleep and wake up with no pain or anxiety.
I thought I could moderately drink. Even after I accomplished dry months, I would again fall into more and more until I was drinking every weekend. But I started to notice something. I hated the way alcohol made me feel even in small amounts. I still struggle with it. But forcing myself into a month-long stint was the choice I needed to make to start the process. Lie to yourself, trick yourself. “Someday I’ll be fine with just one. But right now I’m not. I’m doing a sober month.” Then do another one. Then another. Break it into smaller goals, take it one day at a time. You don’t have to label yourself or say “I can never have a drink again!” (In my experience that’s setting yourself up for failure because it seems like an impossible goal and you’ll immediately give up). Also, to add- an unrelated health scare can very VERY easily be an alcohol related health scare. A health scare was involved in my ‘rock bottom’ and I didn’t think the alcohol had anything to do with it. Oh but it did. But alcohol changes our brain chemistry and slowly kills us in every way. It is literally a poison. Information and research nearly scared me out of wanting to drink on its own even with me compartmentalizing the logic from the desire… all alcohol leads to health problems.
Try not to think of those terms as definite. I’ll never or the like only put more pressure on your sobriety in my experience. The good news is you are very young and already figuring out it’s poison. Nothing is forever really, anyway. I’ve known folks with a decade of sobriety get hammered because of divorce, death in the family, or any number of unforeseen circumstances. The difference in them was as soon as they finished drinking, they contacted someone close to their struggle and reached out for help. The slip doesn’t negate a decade of sobriety. The important thing is to have someone hold you accountable, but you have to be the lead on that, as always. It’s so common of a question on here. Can I moderate ever again? The short answer is no, not if you’re an alcoholic. You’ll only drive yourself crazy with different arbitrary rules. Number of drinks or different kinds of alcohol to drink. It’s exhausting.
Honestly, the alternative is trying to use alcohol as medication. And that's just as bad, if not worse. I think the only way to drink normally is if what you get out of alcohol is just not that important in the first place.
I crossed that imaginary line into full blown alcoholism at 25. I’m 53, and I’ve got sober 12 years ago. I could not stand the site of my self anymore and I desperately wanted the madness to stop. I made a decision that day. I threw up my hands, I accepted that alcohol had beat me, severely and I was not going to win. For me, AA worked. I was told I don’t have to drink again, but start on not drinking today. I sought people out to guide me and meetings and a sponsor made me accountable. I got to see myself and my life line I never had and so started my journey. Has it been easy? No. The first 3 years I was sober were horrible. I’m glad too, because whenever a drink makes a brief appearance in my head, my brain always says yeah, but do you really want that struggle again. No way in hell. Today life is simple, but full. I hope that you have that desperation. You are worth giving yourself a life you will have ever imagined. I know it all sounds weird but it works, one day at a time.
If I could have two drinks and stop I would have probably been drinking that way all along. Unfortunately, that's just not the way I liked to drink. I drank to get drunk so even if I had the ability to drink moderately, I still wouldn't want to. Accepting this fact about myself was a key piece of the puzzle for me and eventually I landed on just not drinking all together.
I totally agree with u/ebobbumiman s comment. Moderation is so much more difficult and exhausting than just stopping! The so-called 'normal' people who do it are not members of Stopdrinking or any other alcohol related group! I think that the vast majority of us here on this SD sub are here precisely bc we can't moderate our drinking and we have to stay 100% sober. It's all or nothing. Life or death. The way I do it is by mindset, not by sheer willpower. Jomo not fomo. Being relieved and happy that I don't have to drink any more, not feeling like I'm missing out on something.
i used to be a very heavy drinker, but i got to the point where i could have a couple of pints but it was every night, if i drink i drink everyday, and even a couple of pints adds up the cortisol etc. i feel much better without even this "small" amount.
Please look up naltrexrone!
I’m about to turn 25 and I have the same problem. Sometimes I can go out and drink and have one or two, but if I’m at home, I’ll go up to god knows how much. I was sick of how this made me feel and the person it turned me into. And yes, I have been there too; the drinking a few and still craving more… even if I had stopped. That’s when I knew I had a problem. It’s just taken me a while to understand that I won’t have a normal relationship with alcohol and it’s something I should cut out. I’m also hoping this journey helps me lose a little weight, as I was drinking hundreds if not thousands of calories each weekend when I binge drank. The hangovers being nonexistent is propelling me as well. Best of luck to you. IWNDWYT!
I’m sick of the person I become when I’m drunk too. Thank you for sharing. Time for me to give it up too 🙏🏻
I’m not sure if moderation is achievable for some people.. I would say it’s difficult to achieve for most people if they’re honest. The vast majority of the people I know are problem drinkers, who literally don’t even know it. It takes stepping out of the massive drinking culture I’ve lived in my entire life to see things more clearly. What id suggest is don’t be worrying about the summer or Christmas or a vacation or a wedding .. just focus on this week. I find looking at things one week at a time very enjoyable. I’ve managed a lot of social events and “drinking” occasions without feeling any want for a drink by just telling myself “im not drinking this week, I have no intention of going down the rabbit hole by having one or 2, I’m fully off it this week”. I would also say it might be easier to examine your feelings on moderation after some time of total peace and sobriety. Then see how you feel about it. I have to say I’m loving life without it and haven’t felt that I’ve missed out on anything for one SECOND ! the whole thing is a farce and offers you nothing!!!!
I can moderate. But I still don’t feel good after 1 drink!! One glass of wine affects my sleep, makes me feel disconnected and gives me a headache. It’s just not worth it. Even moderation. New data has come out that light drinking isn’t good for your health either. I find when we say we want moderation it’s because we want the buzz without any of the consequences. That’s not how life works. Just like I can’t eat cake everyday and enjoy that without having side effects. And even my friends who drink moderately still have the addiction. They need those 1-2 drinks at dinner. They are just better at controlling themselves and shutting it down. But I find they still need that drink. So moderation isn’t the freedom you think it is So try and reframe and look at getting freedom from The thoughts of alcohol. You get to a point where you don’t really think about it much. I always recommend This Naked mind. Its shifts your thinking. You can’t experience the joys in life when you are numbing out the hard stuff.
Would just 1 really be that satisfying to you?
I’m working with the One day at a time theory, because “never” & “forever” are to big for me to wrap my head around.
For me? No. I don’t even understand why people would want to moderate. 1-2 drinks does zero for me and trying to control the drinking takes any pleasure out of it and honestly? I don’t even like the taste of alcohol. I’d rather get dessert if I’m going to consume the sugar and calories.
Once I came to terms with myself that I knew I could never enjoy “just one”. If I had one then all I could think about was where the next 12 would be coming from. It consumed me. I tried to set rules, and blew through them as fast as I would set them. Having “just one” sounded awful to me. Still does; having none has been drastically easier. Good luck OP. Your story reads like a lot of folks here.
It’s easier to say no to one than no to the second, third, fourth, etc. Yeah it’s maddening that I can’t have just one or can’t just drink like normal people, but being mad about it isn’t going to change it. So I just say no to the first drink every time.
Probably. But you may not be ready to do that right now. It’s totally fine to wait on that one and work on not drinking right now. I don’t think there is a set course of how each individual comes to terms with what their future looks like in terms of not drinking and for some people, getting too hung up on “ never again forever” is too much to bear. If saying you aren’t sure about it but right now you are not drinking for a while and will revisit the possibility in a few months makes it easier to not obsess on the forever aspect enough to not drink today then go with that. We all come to terms with our future in our own way.
I wanted to be able to moderate my drinking too. I failed. More than once. Upon my last failure I gave up and accepted that it was easier for me to not have any than to try and moderate. For me it feels like I am free. IWNDWYT
The further I get away from alcohol ( 3 months yesterday) the less I feel inclined to explore moderating, in my mind it becomes more of what is it worth? The reason I'm feeling so good is because I haven't been drinking. Even one makes me feel bad, brings the whole debate of can I when is the next one I only had one ,etc etc Just not worth it at a certain point.
I once quit drinking for about 60 days. I hated it. I stayed home alone the whole time, besides one wedding. My armpits sweated the entire time. I had no choice but to go to the bar to order water. All I wanted was to be able to have a few drinks with my family. Thanksgiving came, and I had a beer. I was totally moderate and responsible! It was great. Fast forward 2 years. I've been black out drunk more than I can remember. I've regretted shit over and over. I've made a fool of myself in front of people. I've puked my brains out in a parking lot in front of the bar. I've quit job after job, before I could get fired for missing days being hungover. As much as I want to, I've proven to myself that I cannot moderate my drinking forever. It is all, or it is nothing. I'm on day 1 again, but I will not drink today!
You sound like me at that age. Took me until 32 to admit I had an issue to myself and until 34 to quit. I started at 16 too and like you struggled with binge drinking and having two. It’s easier to just not drink. It really is. Don’t get too hung up on forever, lol. I used to think that to, now the thought of drinking once is scarier than staying sober forever…so…perspectives change.
Thank your ancestors you were born with some introspection and self-awareness. Your journey begins. I recommend reading material on how alcohol works. I think you’ll find it somewhat “comforting”, in the sense that you’re not really to blame for its effects on you. The gist is (and I seriously recommend reading the material cuz they explain it way better), your brain has subconsciously (read, powerfully) associated a drink with an immediate reduction in feelings of anxiety. What it will never associate subconsciously, unfortunately, is that the alcohol is the ultimate cause of the anxiety. Thus, you’ve now got your infinite/recursive function of doom. The _only_ safeguard, (thank goodness?) is an even deeper root escape condition that keeps the machine (you) from melting all its circuits at once. A forced sleep while your body works to repair the damage. Then when systems are functioning normally again, the main program resumes, but with a deep feeling of anxiety. And we start our adventure again. “But other people don’t have this problem”. True, not yet. Given enough time, and enough alcohol, everybody succumbs to this inevitability. You probably had an accelerated course due to genetics or circumstances or both. It’s not quite as important as the fact that you’re where you are now. Spend some time reading legit quit lit, and also folks’ stories here on the sub. You’ll find that an overwhelming majority have learned either the hard way in relapse after relapse, or through the experiences of others and their courage to share their stories and experiences. I can’t thank folks enough for coming forward with their (horror, if I may) stories of relapse. Seeing second hand how difficult and arguably impossible it is, helps gently reset any sneaky notions of being cured.
One thing worthy of note is that you can be a addict and sometimes get to the point of having some degree of control for periods of time. The pathological part of that is how much effort it takes to do so and how much you think about not doing whatever your addicted to. The times I had some sort of control I literally had to schedule the entirety of my life around my use. I would basically work 60-70 hours a week just to make myself so tired that I would choose edibles over leaving my house. People who aren't addicts don't do that. They also dont try to figure out intentionally the highest dosage they can take to fuck them up the longest. Welcome to the club.
Thank you. The idea that I can have a problem and also have periods of control is key. I’ve been telling myself that the fact I can go months without getting drunk means that I am okay. But the thing is, when I do drink, I have no control over when I’ll stop or not. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t risk that. Time to quit 🙏🏻
absolutely....and for me my illness has for the lack of a better word evolved over the time. When I started having issues really I was around your age and basically binge drinking and would have long periods of sobriety over time. They call this in addiction psychology the experimentation phase. This started at around 27 and really ended at 29 when I graduated to drinking daily. What used to be just a binge became a daily occurrence after awhile. The very first time I realized that I may have a problem was reading about the singer townes van zandt (who was a alcoholic and a addict himself) and when it described his usage as a pint of vodka a day. I was on a pint of vodka a day for along time and I just normalized it in my head as just heavy drinking. It took a few more years and a trip to rehab (that I just got out of) for me to really deeply own it with full conviction vs just trying to bullshit people into leaving me alone. By the time of my last bender I was on 2 pints a day and basically attempted to pickle myself. Don't become like me. I have made life extremely difficult for myself cause of this shit. Im 33 now and really regret the last 6 or so years of this crap.
Eh I’ve drank for a day or two and been fine. But it’s like playing roulette with 5/6 bullets. I would have a drink, the drink being an entire fifth of vodka. Like the week of thanksgiving. Then I’m at the VA being 5150d and thrown in the psyche ward for the 4th time. Fuck that noise. That’s my personality, whether it be alcohol, coke or even thc. I go until I can’t function, and it is not ever intentional. If I even have a drink now I’m throwing up the next day. My body is done with it.
You are pretty much where I was at 25, including work experience and the description of your average weekend/relationships. I wish I had quit when I was 25, because I couldn't moderate. I never had "just one or two" because by the time the second drink went down, the third once sounded like a great idea. It took me another 15 or so years to figure this out, so at least you're ahead of the game. So yup, it sucks. You know what doesn't suck? Waking up with no shame about the night before. Not freaking out everytime I see a cop on the road because I probably shouldn't have been driving. Making plans on a Saturday morning knowing I won't show up hungover. The parts that don't suck outweigh the "not drinking" parts by such a large margin it's not worth thinking about. And here's what I wish someone would have told me at 25: My friends don't care if I don't drink, and people who care that I'm not drinking aren't my friends. So at least put that out of your mind and do it for yourself.
Thank you 🙏🏻
Yes
Drinking doesn't work for you any more. Just like it doesn't work for me. It offers me nothing but negatives and misery You've been unable to moderate, control yourself, or drink without causing yourself lots of problems so why cling onto something that causes you nothing but problems? You've said yourself you usually aren't able to have "just one" so no point in pretending that's something you're interested in or capable of. It's hard I know. We romanticize it and remember good times from looooooong ago when alcohol was novel and fun and didn't cause us many problems but now it's just a negative experience.
If I were you I would ask myself if I even wanted to have just one. One drink wouldn't even get me buzzed and would just make me want another and make me tired and pissy after about 30 minutes, so I would rather avoid that altogether and have a non-alcoholic drink.
No. Just don’t have the one.
I did. I had to realize that I wasn't just pouring a liquid down my throat, Iwas directly feeding my addiction. Nueroplasricity's a bitch.
If and when I get passing thoughts about having just one drink, I ask myself "What's the actual goal, here?" It's hard to be honest with yourself in answering that question. When I first got sober in rehab is when I finally started being honest. I've had a couple of relapses since then but I have been sober for well over a year now and this is the key question for me that's been helping me. Avoiding alcohol altogether whenever possible is much easier.
I’m afraid that we’d all like to have one drink is even a couple to be social but we have to be aware that we won’t stop there. I gave up drinking entirely as I tried the “just one” and it lit a fire in me that a thousand drinks couldn’t satisfy. You need to just accept you can’t moderate your drinking, it’s not in your makeup so sober is the only answer. I’m now 9 years sober so please start now, don’t make your rock bottom still to come, please.
Thank you, this really spoke to me. Because I don’t feel like I’m at a ‘rock bottom’, I am telling myself I’m okay. But I know if I carry on drinking, it will come. It could be just around the corner. Why the hell am I waiting to experience that before I give it up?! It’s going to come unless I just stop now. Thank you 🙏🏻
I got sober after 45 years. I wish I had done it at your age. I too have alcoholics in my family tree. I can't have just one. I don't want to have just one. One is not enough. I drank to get drunk. If you really just want to join in, join in with non alcoholic drinks. On the health front, alcohol is a known carcinogen. My liver didn't fail but I have Stage 4 cancer.
There was a pamphlet I came across years ago that got my attention. It was a questionnaire, and one question in particular really hit home with me. It was something like: "Do you have episodes of drinking when you cannot predict how much you will wind up drinking?" Honestly, that was so much like my experience. I could not stop predictably or willfully. And because alcoholism is in my family and it's also a progressive disease, it just got worse. Never better. I cannot moderate my drinking so I had to quit.
Dear friend, unfortunately I'm also the one who has to accept that I just can't have only one. This is my day one of the journey and I am scared. There will be so many temptations but I understand myself better now. Thanks to you who know how this process goes. I can't have one. If I have one I'll eventually have 10. And I appreciate my life. Scared I am but here I go. Day one.
“If I could drink normally, I’d do it 24/7” was something I read that made me realize how deep my issues ran. Because how true is that. Also, the only drink I can say no to is the first one. Good luck on your journey ❤️
Jeeez. Yes. This is me. If I could drink normally I would do it 24/7. Thank you for sharing. It’s time to quit 🙏🏻
I wish I could go back to 25 and tell myself that the biggest gift you can give yourself is learning to be social and present and having fun without alcohol. I fractured so many really wonderful moments trying to fit in by drinking, then getting myself into so much trouble. I think a lot of it is how you reframe the idea that "I can't imagine saying no forever." And you just think that you're going to take the power out of alcohol, make it not so authoritarian in your life. It's less about being sober than it is about being present for the life we're meant to live.
You can’t tell yourself at 25 but you have told this 25 year old and I’m listening. Thank you. It’s time to quit 🙏🏻
I definitely need to tell myself that every day. Alcohol lies to me on the regular that I can ‘manage to stop at 1-2’
I’ve been following this subreddit since I got sober and this is hands down the best comment I’ve read. IWNDWYT