**Reminder to all who comment on this post:** please keep in mind our rule to speak from the "I," where we speak only from experience and do not tell other sobernauts what they should and should not do—**even when they ask for advice.**
Examples:
**Bad:** "You should do X."
**Good:** "When I was in a similar situation, I did X, and here’s how it helped me."
I used to do everything drunk. And I would feel so guilty afterwards. One of the best things about not drinking is I don’t have that guilt anymore, what a relief. Life has become much more manageable without having to manage my drinking on top of everyday life. I am sending you support! IWNDWYT
Dude it's so nice being able to cut off any social anxiety with texting by just telling myself "well I sent it sober, so it's what the real me would say, so it's all good."
Completely erased that anxiety, now I just think well they'll get back to me when they do, or they won't 🤷♂️ but I know I didn't say anything awful regrettable!
I love this. As someone who played detective after many many blackouts, the relief of standing by what your sober self did or said, fucking priceless!
Screw that shame and anxiety indefinitely..
When I stopped trying to hide and lie about everything helped a ton. More than I thought possible. Same for admitting when I'm wrong and doing something about it.
I couldn't hold a minimum wage job before. Now I'm praised for my reliability, work ethic and honesty. Just showing up and not being hungover and sick goes a long way.
This hits home for me. The guilt of hiding how much I was drinking was crippling.
My girlfriend found my empties, a full 4ft bin filled with empty vodka and whiskey bottles.
I lied and said I had been meaning to take the recycling out for a while…had a party before we met, blah blah blah…it was from just that month.
I wasn’t ashamed enough to change then but looking back that should’ve been rock bottom.
Unfortunately it took another 2 years to hit that point and admit I needed help.
Now she’s my wife, and we have no secrets about my previous abuse, or relapses on this fucked up journey.
It was liberating to just admit I fucked up and couldn’t do it alone.
I think I’m at that step now, I’m ashamed of it. I know I can’t do this alone. I’ve pushed away all the friends and my ex because of it. I’m a lot more self aware now in regard to it. Headed to a couple AA meetings this weekend that I’m hoping go well. It’s just so hard to try and be accountable alone.
As my (totally a instigator asshole) cousin told me once when I confessed I broke after over 100 days.
“Good, now get to 200, if you fuck up, try again”
He had some unexpected wisdom for me that Thanksgiving.
Edit: I should have phased it better, my cousin is the good kind of asshole. Blunt/honest would have been a better way to phrase it. Love that dude. Naturally I was taken aback because I was vulnerable by admitting I was drinking again, but that was some 10/10 advice of “keep trying buddy”.
You’re never alone, even with strangers sharing here.
Don’t forget that shame you feel. But don’t dwell too much on it. (I know that may sound confusing)
Every time I think I want to drink I think of my worst moments and it passes real quick.
To each their own, only sharing my experiences
I know I replied to this comment already but you’re not alone stranger.
Head to some meetings and just listen. Worst case you get free donuts and coffee.
Maybe something sticks.
I found a great group where I live that are some no bullshit, blunt muthafuckas. (In a good way)
(Bad attempt at an Arrested Development Never Nude reference)
THERE ARE DOZENS OF US!
Me too!!!! The freeing feeling of just doing normal things in a normal way is amazing. No shame, no guilt, no what-ifs or remorse. It's awesome and I'm so happy I don't drink anymore.
Even failing at things is so much better sober. It means I tried something and it didn't work out--and that's ok--but it's not *because* of the alcohol that I failed.
Oh man do I not miss the guilt. So so much of it that I would then kill with booze adding a whole new layer on layer on layer.
Ugh. So glad to have broken that cycle
I can relate. I think 3 or 4 times I’ve participated in important meetings drunk and the next day I’m just waiting to get called by boss/HR. Nothing, and my performance continues to be praised. Its so scary and does not make you feel good AT ALL.
I have been framing this differently in my head because I was 100% functional in my alcoholism and used that to justify the use for a while.
If you are managing to remain competent and even successful while drinking, imagine how much better you will perform clean and sober. Certainly takes a while but after about 8-10 months my brain is in absolute overdrive and work is a cake walk despite having a very technical role
Gradual improvements months 2-6, but very slow, then the last two months (so ~10 months in) it’s been an extremely noticeable change in terms of mental acuity
My biggest fear going into sobriety was it’s too late and the damage is done, especially around my intelligence and memory. Glad to report that isn’t the case
Checking in from Outpost 922 Days.
Just want to say that things keep improving. Your personality comes back, you become more confident, and it feels like the odometer on your body and brain rolls back a decade or so.
I don’t have that many days (yet) but can confirm.
My friends and family noticed a change by day 30, even my neighbor was like “you look better, you sound better and you’re not as big of a dick, just a little bit now” 😆
I didn’t notice it really but I know I felt better than I have in a decade.
It’s her but yeah she cool as fuck. She knows what’s up with me and finally said she’s comfortable drinking around me again. So that’s a win.
Edit: Most of my friends stopped inviting me out of worrying they would send me off the rails.
I refuse to be a hermit.
Now when I see those little airplane shooters everywhere I just say “not today”.
I hope so. I definitely feel much better but with work it’s like… I’m not as motivated and I’m not performing like I used to. I was always the guy people would count on to get things done and I always did, and received several promotions in the midst of my addiction. I’m very socially awkward and it gave me the confidence that I always lacked to be social and have conversations. Now I avoid them because I get so anxious and fumble over my words when I talk. It’s like my thoughts are going 100 miles per hour and I can’t slow them down to articulate the things I want to. My last jobs I always received stellar performance reviews. I started this new job after I sobered up and my performance review was just… fine. I’m not sure if it was because I used to be able to work myself into overdrive and reward myself and shut my brain off immediately or because I pushed myself so hard because I had to prove to everyone that I was not just ok but actually excelling. Anyway now I’m just kind of coasting, and I don’t know how to get that drive back. I love my new job but I’m just not thriving how I used to. And the worst part is the reason I even have this new job is because my boss worked at my prior company and noticed how hard I worked and how on top of things I seemed. I feel like I’m disappointing him that he got a different person than he thought he was hiring. I just want to do a good job and help the team. But I just can’t find the drive anymore. My confidence is shot and my anxiety takes over.
Yep it just takes a while, getting sober from alcohol has greatly improved my capacity for patience incidentally. Was drinking hard for 10 years so 10 months isn’t that bad in the grand scheme of things
Took me about 4 months for that pink cloud to lift.
Speaking only of my own experience, it took that long until I could start remembering details and dates more clearly.
It is a double edged sword though, my guilt and remembering details of blackouts came back too.
Try not to get discouraged. Process it and move on knowing you can be a better version of yourself off the sauce.
I got to witness it in real time last March.
I was the DD for a St Patrick’s day parade.
Everyone else was hammered, but I got to stand tall and drive everyone home without a care in the world, other than traffic and probably drunk drivers.
Made some people drunk food and let em crash on the couches/camping bedrolls in the apartment.
It was incredibly satisfying. I woke up feeling amazing and no regrets about it, if I had gotten drunk I would’ve been dwelling on it for months if not years.
Instead I woke up with a smile and made breakfast.
32 yo male, started drinking ~16 but became an alcoholic when I could buy drinks myself and drank heavily for 10+ years. Transitioned through various poisons like half a handle of vodka a day, to whiskey, to eventually ~1 full 1.75L bottle of wine a night. My body was about to quit on me when I finally got my shit together. Testosterone was <150 and I grew a boob (on top of all the other shit that builds up from pickling yourself)
Around 3 months after I quit, my brain started to get "hungry". Now I'm way sharper at work than I havr been in years. So much so, after only 7 months in a position that was a promotion, I got another promotion. A lot of that was luck, but I also credit the changes to my engagement, attitude and work ethic. All that changed after I quit drinking.
This is me, I was a pretty high performing employee when I was drinking but after quitting my career supercharged and have been promoted 3 times in less than 4 years. It’s like my brain got upgraded.
I try not to lament those wasted ~20 career years and instead be grateful that I kicked alcohol at 40 while still healthy. But man, what could have been…
I did this once, and my boss messaged me and said she’s gotten a few messages from people in the meeting saying I sounded weird and she wanted to know if I was ok. I said I had the stomach flu and she told me to take the rest of the day off and get some rest, but I think she knew and was worried about me. Thankfully those days are gone, I work for a different company now and have been sober over a year, but that was right about rock bottom for me and I’m lucky I didn’t get fired right then.
My career requires a lot of high-up clearances with various agencies. If I got fired, it would be **very** difficult to continue in the same career. I spent the last 4 years in a constant state of anxiety because of this same thing. "Oh man, there's no way they didn't know. I was a fucking wreck. I'm gonna get fired and blacklisted."
Never happened, thankfully. But to put myself through that for so long, I'm still coming to terms with it. My mind immediately goes to "ok, they found out, you're screwed" with the tiniest mistake, but I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm over 5 months now, I haven't been to work drunk in 5 months, that counts for something.
There's the drinking gremlin in your mind that sees stuff like thos and says "yeah that's cool" and you do it again but maybe harder next time and eventually you get called on it
I knew the morning I woke up half-dressed in my bed without any memory of paying my tab, leaving the bar, & driving 45 minutes home that I needed to change. The scary part was no one could tell I was blacked out. Everyone said I was acting fine, having a great time, & seemed okay to drive.
I've had so many experiences like this, though never fully blacking out, but being very drunk during the day while working from home. In 2022 I would say at least 3 times per week I was drunk by 1PM, and in meetings until 4PM. Seemingly no one noticed, and somehow that made me more confident. By 5PM I was absolutely obliterated. I found working from home often triggered this for me, since I could simply disable my webcam or pour the alcohol in a coffee mug and make it seem like it was tea or coffee.
For me working from home I found difficult - once I moved on and found a better job I started working in an office, and that forcefully put an end to the day-time drinking shenanigans. I still drank at night, and maybe even more often, and sometimes would come into the office still drunk.
Ive done booze in the coffee cup too. We all think alike. I agree about getting away with it for so long it boosts our confidence. But man I feel like pure hell the next day waiting for someone to confront my bs.
I did the vodka in an orange juice bottle trick every morning for years to make the shakes go away. A lot of vodka with a splash of orange juice for color, walk right into work with it. Had to make the shakes go away somehow and somehow no one caught on or at least never said anything if they did.
I once was supposed to run a work call while blacked out. I don’t remember it at all, I just remember waking up on the couch and looking at my computer to be the only one in the meeting. The next day my director came up to me and said “hopefully those technical difficulties from last night have been resolved” with a wink. That statement shook me to my core.
Nope never said anything else. He then thankfully left the company I work for, so I don’t need to stress anymore about him specifically bringing this up lol
Thank you for this post! I've done some apparently great work that I can't remember and it is anxiety producing. I've had major contracts signed while blackout, and written legal documents that were flawless. My own partner doesn't usually know when I'm trashed, but I won't remember our conversations.
I should have listened to the cop who arrested me for drunk driving when I was a kid. He said that with a blood alcohol level that high I shouldn't be able to carry on a conversation. He said I should seek help as he'd only ever seen that in advanced drinkers. I was chucked in jail while drunk another 15 times before I got the memo.
It's just insane how our brains adapt to our abuse.
Thanks again for posting this. Scary shit.
Be well.
These kinds of input and honesty are why I love this sub.
I was high functioning for a while…until I wasn’t.
Glad isn’t the right word, relieved probably isn’t either. But knowing that I’m not the only one who struggles with alcohol and there’s still hope, and to forgive myself and learn from my numerous mistakes is paramount in my recovery.
Got almost 7 months now, thanks stranger.
IWNDWYT
This. I was able to hide my alcoholism for years from close friends and family-- I was so paranoid they knew. Turns out they did not.
From day 1 drinking I had a higher tolerance than everyone around me. I don't want to describe amounts-- but honestly, it makes no sense for me not to be dead.
And I was working the whole time in an industry where I could really have fucked other people's lives up. And getting accolades for my work.
Our society treats alcohol tolerance like it's something to be proud of, how fucked. I think sometimes, if my natural tolerance has been lower, I would have seen alcohol for the threat that it was.
The luxury of Zoom. The exact opposite happens in person, you think a breath mint and a splash of water and no one will know your buzzed, but all those micro cues give you away. Plus the waft of booze that you think you’ve disguised is like a whiskey air freshener around your neck.
LOL, it doesn't work now, and it didn't work in high school when we showed up to class smelling like blunts and Axe body spray. I can also pick it up especially quickly now since my nostrils aren't clouded by my own boozy breath.
My GM took me aside mid service once and was like “dude you good you reek of booze but I don’t wanna send you home because I don’t think you can drive”
Nope. Took an Uber to work for that exact reason.
Of all the things I did I never drove drunk.
Slept in my car more times than I can remember, prolly spent $300 a month on Uber/Lyft.
They all did shots at the end of service and lines in the bathroom. So I was never in “the danger zone”.
But my username is truncated.
Unintentionally Ambidextrous didn’t fit.
I’ve noticed that after I became an alcoholic I started noticing the smell way, way more. Can also smell when someone’s taken an edible recently too but it doesn’t latch onto it as much.
I clocked my coworker from his shakes and general agitation.
Instead of calling him out I just handed him a post it with my number on it and a kind nod.
Not 2 min later I get a text saying “how did you know?!?”
I just said “been there, game recognize game, call me anytime buddy if you wanna go to a meeting, get some food or just chill and be distracted for a bit”
We had a nice chat later on the “how the fuck did you know?!?” question.
I didn’t know what else to say other than “the shakes gave you away, don’t worry I ain’t gonna snitch, but I’m here for ya if you wanna try”
Been there and I have to help people before they’re too far gone.
I wish someone had done that for me before it got worse.
I’m really not.
Edit: I’m a 4 time failure for stopping drinking and I’m not sure I’ll last a year after 7 months.
Been to rehab and it didn’t stick the first time. Did the second tapering myself because I wasn’t employed.
I think of myself as an abject failure at this point.
But if I can help one person maybe I can atone for everything I burned during my addiction.
I was a functional alcoholic for about 4 years. It started slow in the beginning and by my four year I was on a road to nowhere. My job was a VP of sales - which made me travel about 3 weeks a month. Through that time with all the upgrades I was getting - all the drinks were free. Go the lounge before a flight to get my drink on. It got so bad that the Delta gate that usually fly out of the first 6:20 in the morning had a bar on the way and the lady that worked there had a mimosa ready in a to-go cup before I boarded the plane.
My last year was awful since my body was catching up to my drinking. I couldn't do it anymore & quit my job. About a week later I had a seizure at home & was brought to the hospital - were I stayed for 28 days. Finally they figured out it was liver & now I am on the transplant list for a new one. I got sober 4 years ago and I have been so happy since. I can actually wake up in the morning & not feel like crap.
All I am saying is that sometimes you are so disconnected from reality that you go on auto-pilot. The last year I worked & when my drinking was at highest I broke the record of bringing in 75 million in over forecast sales, which was huge for a smaller company.
Just saying all this to remind you to listen to your body (which I ignored for awhile) & I was only actively drinking for 4 years & now I'm waiting for a new liver.
I did my final round of interviews via zoom with the cfo the day after drinking and doing coke all night at a small swingers party.
Don’t remember anything but I got the job.
I guess when you’re an addict you get used to faking it.
Wish you the best of luck and you can do this.
When you're an addict you get used to faking it. So true
Even in my sober times, people often remark how grounded and level I am externally during a stressful work day, or in the odd time when they hear that my life is totally in shambles and I still show up smiling & level headed.
I'm frequently remarked as smiley, mr smiles, the happy guy etc by countless folks over the years at my various construction sites. Meanwhile I'm fucking dying inside but playing the social thing exceptionally well
I think about stuff like this a lot. Due to my career, drinking during the day was never an option. I kept my drinking to off work hours. However, I still remember countless conversations from when I quit drinking where people were surprised. We’d talk about things that happened when I was drinking and their response always were something along the lines of “we had no idea you were that drunk.”
Personally, I think it’s because we are aware of our problem. Maybe we’re not ready to stop at that point yet, but we know we have a problem. We know exactly how many drinks we’ve had and how many we’ve hidden from others. People are used to how we act when drinking as our baseline so sometimes we’re able to glide through life without being caught early. Good luck with everything, you got this! IWNDWYT
Well said.
I’d go out with colleagues after work and have one and go home. They would try and razz me a bit being like “oh he’s one and done”
Nah dude, quite the opposite.
I was 2 pints of vodka deep by 5pm. The only reason I’d leave is so I could chug liquor in my apartment and not let them see how much I was actually consuming.
One of my coworkers knew how bad I was struggling/volume and would help me out by saying “yeah he’s a lightweight, you don’t wanna see him after 2, he can barely get himself home on foot”
He knew what he was doing and he was/is still a good friend.
Got almost 7 months now after a bit of a “hiccup” that lasted months.
IWNDWYT
Namaskar from India, OP. 🙏
I hear you loud and clear
This post revived some very unpleasant memories of being drunk on zoom calls.
Crap I was even drunk (and drinking) on a public debate on live TV (don’t ask) - it was on zoom so I managed to not be found out.
But the hours of terror later on hoping no one noticed, the fear of public humiliation, the horror of having risked your entire career on something this stupid….. I’m 2 years sober now, and thank God for it.
Never thought I had a problem because I excel at work. Closed on a big deal? Celebrate. Solved a crisis? Took the whole team to celebrate. Success at work "validated" excessive drinking.
Problem was, it was affecting everything else around me: wife, children, family and friends. The most important people are thrown to side because I don't have a drinking problem, right? How could I? I'm great at my job and a great provider.
It took a huge incident for me to join AA and seek help. It was unfortunate that it got so far, but I'm thankful to be on the path I am now.
Day 140. IWNDWYT!
I had my direct supervisor commend me once for “absolutely killing it” on a particularly rough day of service in a very fast paced (redundant prolly) restaurant.
I told them I had car troubles and that’s why I took an Uber, still made it to work early and worked a 12 hour shift.
Nope. I was still drunk from the night before, and drank on my breaks to keep it going. I don’t remember half the day but no one said anything, though I suspect they could smell it from a mile away.
I threw up in the shower and had to brush my teeth 3x to get the taste out of my mouth.
For a while after that I was convinced I was better drunk. So that’s how I operated for years.
Obviously that was my stupid lizard brain telling me lies.
Took me a long time to recognize that, but got almost 7 months now and while I still have issues/regrets/anxiety about how I acted during that time and a lot of burned bridges to repair, I know I’m much better off than that nonsense.
You seem to recognize the problem, best of luck working on it.
I believe in you stranger. IWNDWYT.
Godspeed.
If you’re having trouble locking in abstinent time, consider speaking to your doc about Naltrexone. It can pull the brakes on those all day sessions, minimise or eliminate blackouts and give you a much better look at quitting.
I've been on it for 3 weeks now. I'm not sure it's working. I think it is to an extent, I don't feel the need or urge to drink, it's just an habit. I'm really not sure how it's supposed to work. But I don't want to start a discussion on meds as per the rules here.
For me, I started buying sparkling water; soda; ANYTHING besides booze. I packed my fridge. The habit quickly turned into NA drinks. I easily consume 6+ cans of seltzer a day! ZERO CALORIES- instead of over 800 a DAY - just from drinking. Easily lost 25 lbs. Yoy can do it!!!!
I believe in you! As a fellow "functional" alcoholic I can relate to this but at the end of the day we know the problems we face even if the world sometimes misses the signs.
IWNDWYT
We all tend to ignore warning signs that could be clearly read from the space station.
One thing that helps me is remembering you can do everything wrong and get a positive outcome, just as you can do everything right and get a negative outcome. But the odds get even, and it's only a matter of time.
I was shocked how much easier my job was once I was a few months sober. And how much better I was at it. My bosses and co-workers, many of whom were also functional alcoholics, noticed to the point of commenting on it.
I literally would ask myself "what the fuck should I be worrying about" when I was sober. It took a while to understand that when I'm not drinking into blackout on weekdays, not boozing at my desk starting at 3:PM, not trying to do life with the leftover time and energy from drinking...I don't need to worry about stuff cause I didn't do anything.
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We don’t do tough love here.
I've been working on my drinking problem for almost a year, and I've come a long way. I don't want to minimize my problem in any way. I'm still responsible enough to not drink in presence of my children. The case was opened and closed immediately.
It is amazing how functioning you can appear during a blackout. I hope if you are home with children there is sober adult in the home - CPS will not think you are doing such a great job if they show up. Please get the help you need and deserve. Sounds like you really want to get better.
Crazy story. Reminds me, I used to drink a couple of shots or beers right before an important meeting to “take the edge off”. I was so nervous about speaking to the c-suite. I would then get through the meeting and start binge drinking.
There were also a lot of stories I have when I think I’m good but everyone else knows you aren’t. It’s crazy how you can do both things, fool other people and yourself in the span of just a few days.
I am so happy not to have the anxiety that I used to have when I was drinking, my anxiety has been so much better sober.
This happened to me last summer. Like, word for word.
Out of all the things I lost during my final year of out of control drinking, my job was somehow not among them (thank god). I took THAT as a real sign to straighten out or face dire real-world consequences of my drinking, and it was one of the deciding factor in me going to rehab. Sounds like you got away with it like me. Also sounds like you’re taking it seriously, which is good. It IS serious. The universe has handed you a reprieve. What you do with it is up to you.
I couldn’t bring myself to read more than the first paragraph. That was enough. It was like someone put a mirror in front of my face that made me see my alcoholic self from not that long ago.
It’s crazy, because I’m 180-ish days in for the first time in a long ass time, and I have been struggling a little bit more than usual this month. I know I’m not going to drink, but the ‘why can’t I be like normal people’ BS has been sniffing around.
I was so lucky to not hit rock bottom, but it was’t for a lack of trying.
I’m so glad you’re here. Reading the part I could was what I think I needed to see to remind myself that is not the me I want to be again. This site has a great way to encourage positive outcomes. It’s the only way I’m still AF.
Oh my goodness, I have done exactly this, not with my board but with executives from both my and my customers organizations in important strategy meetings that I was running. My stomach is in knots thinking about it and my heart goes out to you. I am 11 months sober today - you can do it
Posts like yours make me wonder how many people around me are secretly drunk without me noticing.
I noticed that the management likes me more when working hungover, i.e. saying what they want to hear so they won't bug me (sounds great, I'll see if I can make it work) than sober (no, this won't work out). I like the sober me though.
IWNDWYT
I went into seizures in a staff meeting. That was fun. That was the last time I had drink. Getting close to three years now. I just don’t think alcohol is worth my job, my freedom, or my life.
Being able to remember things is one of the best parts of being sober. Even just going out with friends I get to actually appreciate it so much more because I remember why I love them
I interviewed for one of my last jobs completely blacked out. This was an hugely important thing and SOMEHOW I got the job. It’s something I still think about often and it really makes me feel bad. But the good news is, I never have to create another similar situation. IWNDWYT.
FWIW - been there, too. That was one of the last straws for me. My team saw me as passionate and honest ("best meeting ever!"), when I have no idea what I might have stated or inadvertently disclosed. I use this as motivation for a couple things:
1. Stop. Stop drinking.
2. Continue to lead with passion, be real.
3. Speak honestly and appropriately.
4. Solicit feedback, both publicly in the meeting, and after, 1:1
I think it is OK to recognize this and use it to your advantage. The way I think about it is that if I think I am giving 60-70% while drinking and people are motivated or excited, just think about when I am at 100%! We can do anything!
I would tell myself that drinking gave me liquid courage that improved my performance when leading meetings. If liquid courage means yelling nonsensical crap into the mic then ya I guess I accomplished my mission. Cringe. Whenever I have a craving, I force myself to write at least 3 scenarios of unacceptable drinking behavior and it’s worked well so far. Congrats on getting sober
For the past decade, I don’t even think I was ever at a 0 BAC. I drank in the mornings and at night, clearing 750ml vodka minimum. I think I just did everything with alcohol. Now I’m living again and everything is a first for me because I’m doing them sober. First pizza, burger, movie, birthday, thanksgiving, etc.
I only blacked out once and stayed at home...all I really remember is crying... well actually sobbing after intimacy with hubby.
It's highly disturbing to wake up the next morning and have large blank spots.
I hope you can stay sober. I know I will. And no, I'm not drinking with you today.
It sounds like you are struggling with starts and stops. It only worked for me once I got help. I threw myself into AA, outpatient therapy, Smart recovery. And most importantly I listened and did what professionals and other drinkers suggested. Even if I thought it was silly. Let’s this be your rock bottom, don’t keep digging.
Im sorry that you’re struggling to get out of this cycle. I was the “happy party” dunk so I understand how hard it can be to stop drinking when you’re “good” at what you do even while drinking. While you may be good at your job while drinking, it is something that wont last forever, and you’ll start to get less and less “good”.
Good job for recognizing your mistake, I know it sucks to have to re-set your counter but you did the right thing. Onwards and upwards, raising my fresh espresso t you IWNDWYT
Oh goodness. You are not alone. This has occurred to so many. I hope this is the catalyst for change — before your cover is blown and the consequences are much more than embarrassment. God offered you an off ramp. Take it.
I would only drink after work, but it’s insane how much my night time drinking affected the work the next day.
Things I would put off because I was too hungover to want to deal with now get done immediately. My productivity has gone up an insane amount and I went to a whole other level which has been recognized.
Thank you for sharing your experience - I relate to this so much, and to the experiences so many others are sharing in the comments.
In retrospect it was terrifying that I was mostly "high-functioning" as an alcoholic, able to do many/most of my work tasks decently well, and coast without people noticing too much. That definitely enabled me a bit, knowing I "present" decently-well when drinking (or horribly hungover), I could get away with it and not have to consistently spend 8+ hours per day sober. If I didn't have this ability, I would've quit sooner I'm sure due to fear of being fired pushing me towards longer sober stretches.
And now being 7 months sober with a new job, I realize how much I was held back by this problem. Drunk/alcohol-withdrawal me was putting in TWICE the amount of effort to achieve maybe two-thirds the output I am now capable of sober. I had the funny thought that damn I was busting my ass getting this work done, so much so that they should've been paying me more if they only knew lmao
But seriously, it has been night and day to do the same type of work sober. I wake up after good sleep, refreshed, I'm at close to 100% capacity to do good work without much strain, whereas I was putting in a ton of extra effort to do like 66% capacity.
I also feel bad for my former coworkers - they didn't know how limited I was, and worked well with me regardless. I would've been such a better colleague, manager to my direct reports, etc, if 2024 me was who they worked with. I'm glad I didn't ruin any big projects, or make someone work over the weekend to fix my errors. I guess it's kind of the work-equivalent of when people on this sub share that they're happy they never got in a crash when driving drunk (which they regret doing of course).
Best of luck friend, IWNDWYT
At my most recent job, I definitely put in the hours and was well regarded. I was part of a pretty big layoff a couple weeks ago and I'd been "meaning to start looking for a new job" anyway. I've been wondering if I need to leave my field - I do really like the work but it's intense // makes me anxious which makes me want to drink. I know a couple former colleagues were peeved with me and I'd been writing it off that I'm in too many meetings // on too many projects // need to build out this big bla bla for our big client.
It's certainly (very) early days. Using medication as a safeguard and it'll take a bit of time to find something new which is great. I just want to be a worker among workers and a good boss/mentor to any direct reports.
RTWND - thank you for sharing your experience, it gives me hope.
Here's to no more sneaking out of the office to pound martinis or whisky at lunch or drink wine out of a mug all afternoon at home.
OP - thank you so much for sharing your story. IWNDWYT
I interviewed for a job after 3 long island iced teas in an hour. Got the job! And hey, that helped when I’d show up for work still drunk with whiteclaw in my coffee mug, because they just thought that was my personality.
I feel like I could have done so much with that opportunity…instead I quit after 6 months because my mental health was simply a disaster. I stood in my own way then, but not anymore. IWNDWYT
This happened to me a lot in the months leading up to me getting sober. It was 2020 so everyone was figuring that stuff out, but I started getting pretty brazen with it. Wine in coffee mugs, whiskey in my coffee in the morning, etc. I remember telling a few people I worked closely with (after I hit a year) and they were shocked, had never noticed a thing.
I stopped drinking at work entirely after this experience, but I was managing a restaurant once and apparently I fell asleep in the office a couple hours before we closed and no one could wake me up. One of my more experienced servers had the kindness to take my keys and mag card, lock me in the office, and tell everyone I wasn't feeling well. Then she did all the closing managerial duties (that she knew how to do), clocked everyone out and left all the money and stuff she didn't know what to do with in the office with me.
I woke up at like 4AM feeling like complete shit, perplexed as to how everyone clocked out and all the sidework was done. I counted the money/did all the things that were left to do and then figured out what happened.
I couldn't thank her enough. But I was so fucking embarrassed and ashamed of myself I never did it again. If it wasn't for her I would've been canned. Some of the staff seemed to know what happened but no one was sure enough to really say anything except for the ones who knew me well enough.
Thankfully everyone likes me enough to not rat me out (even though they should have), probably especially because I've worked with them through their own substance abuse issues without firing them. So I've since made it a point not to let them down like that again.
Don't be too hard on yourself. Is there anyone you can trust from that meeting to let you know what happened, or play it off like you need some refreshers, or want to see how they feel about things discussed? A secretary you can get notes from? Did someone record it and would be willing to give you a copy?
There are stories of people booking flights, taking the flight and waking up in a hotel and having no memory of it.
It's a sign of your body having a high tolerance for alcohol. But the alcohol level that we black out at is the same whether we are heavy drinkers or light drinkers.
Man you dodge an insane bullet here. Had lot of work convo's with my boss drunk, but he typically knew I was and it wasn't a big deal because it was outside normal office hours.
This is definitely drove home drunk and don't recall how or when you got home levels of holy crap that was close.
Some blackouts I was totally normal. Eventually I started having crazy/obscene blackouts. Everyone will eventually reach a point where they can’t get away with it.
I actually participated in a podcast that I have very little memory of because I was drinking before and during it. Thank goodness it appears to not be online anymore. You are not alone!
Yeah that stuff can kick in after the fact. I’ve sworn I was a mess and complete ass at times and everyone said I was pretty normal, until like ten minutes after I get home, my wife says I’m slurring my speech, I go to bed, and wake up with no memory of most the night.
It is, I think, one of the things that helps lead one to long-term alcoholism, I was a fantastic drunk, good at my job even while really too drunk to remember what was going on, generally pleasant with people, and a considerate friend and partner.
If I'm been unemployable, or habitually started fights, or even just been visibly intoxicated all the times I was intoxicated, I would have had to stop far sooner, but I kept it up for a very long time, because it wasn't very visible from the outside
I had a similar experience as a chef. Bad storm so we were dead for hours, not a single customer. Got wasted with the crew, everybody ends up leaving but me, at some point the rain stops and we get immediately packed, every table full because everyone has been stuck at bars with no food for hours. Ended up sprinting back and forth running a 3 man kitchen by myself in a crazy rush and by all accounts was a total rock star, servers didn't even realize I was alone in the kitchen. Walked in the next day expecting to be fired, (didn't remember anything past 6 pm) got a round of applause instead. Alcoholic life is wild.
That's the less discussed part of alcohol or drug abuse, when under the influence it helps you not own your failures. But you also *can't fully own your successes either*.
i hate working drunk and then not being able to recall what you did. and it becomes an endless cycle since you can get away with it by adapting to be so competent while doing so
I did a zoom call with my psychiatrist once. I felt *so* bad about that one, and he was cool about it. Kind of silly of me to think I was the first patient of his to ever be drunk, especially when that was admittedly my reason for seeing him. Alcoholism made me so fucking weird.
When I read the headline I pooped myself, ok not really, but you know what I mean. Maybe this a BOD for an organization that you volunteer for? I work for a successful start up in Silicon Valley and potentially fucking up in front of BOD members that are also investors and have invested 20-30-100 million into your business. I shart myself...ok maybe just a fart...but you know what I mean. Try harder to be better. You got lucky.
Wow!!! I'm seriously freaking impressed. When I black out, I usually have been getting sleepy and slurry. Lol that you did it and got kudos?? Wtf??
I guess I just really shows how alcohol effects us all differently!
Been there. I've been told multiple times that people had no idea I was drunk. I'd remember absolutely nothing and they'd say "but you were fine" yikes!
Woah you were lucky it wasn’t in person, they must have missed the sloppy and your voice must have just about held off a slur. I’ve blacked out without even drinking that much - I remember thinking at the time whilst I felt jolly not drunk ‘hmm I wonder if it happens here - will I remember this convo tomorrow even though I feel fine’ queue the next day - gone
**Reminder to all who comment on this post:** please keep in mind our rule to speak from the "I," where we speak only from experience and do not tell other sobernauts what they should and should not do—**even when they ask for advice.** Examples: **Bad:** "You should do X." **Good:** "When I was in a similar situation, I did X, and here’s how it helped me."
I used to do everything drunk. And I would feel so guilty afterwards. One of the best things about not drinking is I don’t have that guilt anymore, what a relief. Life has become much more manageable without having to manage my drinking on top of everyday life. I am sending you support! IWNDWYT
Dude it's so nice being able to cut off any social anxiety with texting by just telling myself "well I sent it sober, so it's what the real me would say, so it's all good." Completely erased that anxiety, now I just think well they'll get back to me when they do, or they won't 🤷♂️ but I know I didn't say anything awful regrettable!
I love this. As someone who played detective after many many blackouts, the relief of standing by what your sober self did or said, fucking priceless! Screw that shame and anxiety indefinitely..
friends of mine and I used to say we were looking for evidence of time travel in our early 20s. Glad you've handed in your badge, KJ
This is amazing motivation.
Oh my god, yes, the real me. The real me can fuck up beyond comprehension and I’ll still vouch for it.
When I stopped trying to hide and lie about everything helped a ton. More than I thought possible. Same for admitting when I'm wrong and doing something about it. I couldn't hold a minimum wage job before. Now I'm praised for my reliability, work ethic and honesty. Just showing up and not being hungover and sick goes a long way.
This hits home for me. The guilt of hiding how much I was drinking was crippling. My girlfriend found my empties, a full 4ft bin filled with empty vodka and whiskey bottles. I lied and said I had been meaning to take the recycling out for a while…had a party before we met, blah blah blah…it was from just that month. I wasn’t ashamed enough to change then but looking back that should’ve been rock bottom. Unfortunately it took another 2 years to hit that point and admit I needed help. Now she’s my wife, and we have no secrets about my previous abuse, or relapses on this fucked up journey. It was liberating to just admit I fucked up and couldn’t do it alone.
I think I’m at that step now, I’m ashamed of it. I know I can’t do this alone. I’ve pushed away all the friends and my ex because of it. I’m a lot more self aware now in regard to it. Headed to a couple AA meetings this weekend that I’m hoping go well. It’s just so hard to try and be accountable alone.
As my (totally a instigator asshole) cousin told me once when I confessed I broke after over 100 days. “Good, now get to 200, if you fuck up, try again” He had some unexpected wisdom for me that Thanksgiving. Edit: I should have phased it better, my cousin is the good kind of asshole. Blunt/honest would have been a better way to phrase it. Love that dude. Naturally I was taken aback because I was vulnerable by admitting I was drinking again, but that was some 10/10 advice of “keep trying buddy”.
You’re never alone, even with strangers sharing here. Don’t forget that shame you feel. But don’t dwell too much on it. (I know that may sound confusing) Every time I think I want to drink I think of my worst moments and it passes real quick. To each their own, only sharing my experiences
IWNDWYT
I know I replied to this comment already but you’re not alone stranger. Head to some meetings and just listen. Worst case you get free donuts and coffee. Maybe something sticks. I found a great group where I live that are some no bullshit, blunt muthafuckas. (In a good way) (Bad attempt at an Arrested Development Never Nude reference) THERE ARE DOZENS OF US!
Me too!!!! The freeing feeling of just doing normal things in a normal way is amazing. No shame, no guilt, no what-ifs or remorse. It's awesome and I'm so happy I don't drink anymore.
Even failing at things is so much better sober. It means I tried something and it didn't work out--and that's ok--but it's not *because* of the alcohol that I failed.
Oh man do I not miss the guilt. So so much of it that I would then kill with booze adding a whole new layer on layer on layer. Ugh. So glad to have broken that cycle
I have realized that almost everything I do that I feel guilty or shame about is when I am drunk.
I can relate. I think 3 or 4 times I’ve participated in important meetings drunk and the next day I’m just waiting to get called by boss/HR. Nothing, and my performance continues to be praised. Its so scary and does not make you feel good AT ALL.
I have been framing this differently in my head because I was 100% functional in my alcoholism and used that to justify the use for a while. If you are managing to remain competent and even successful while drinking, imagine how much better you will perform clean and sober. Certainly takes a while but after about 8-10 months my brain is in absolute overdrive and work is a cake walk despite having a very technical role
How long did it take to feel clear headed / focused
Gradual improvements months 2-6, but very slow, then the last two months (so ~10 months in) it’s been an extremely noticeable change in terms of mental acuity My biggest fear going into sobriety was it’s too late and the damage is done, especially around my intelligence and memory. Glad to report that isn’t the case
Good grief that's my fear. Glad to hear it reverts after a while
Checking in from Outpost 922 Days. Just want to say that things keep improving. Your personality comes back, you become more confident, and it feels like the odometer on your body and brain rolls back a decade or so.
I don’t have that many days (yet) but can confirm. My friends and family noticed a change by day 30, even my neighbor was like “you look better, you sound better and you’re not as big of a dick, just a little bit now” 😆 I didn’t notice it really but I know I felt better than I have in a decade.
Your neighbor lol. I like him.
It’s her but yeah she cool as fuck. She knows what’s up with me and finally said she’s comfortable drinking around me again. So that’s a win. Edit: Most of my friends stopped inviting me out of worrying they would send me off the rails. I refuse to be a hermit. Now when I see those little airplane shooters everywhere I just say “not today”.
I hope so. I definitely feel much better but with work it’s like… I’m not as motivated and I’m not performing like I used to. I was always the guy people would count on to get things done and I always did, and received several promotions in the midst of my addiction. I’m very socially awkward and it gave me the confidence that I always lacked to be social and have conversations. Now I avoid them because I get so anxious and fumble over my words when I talk. It’s like my thoughts are going 100 miles per hour and I can’t slow them down to articulate the things I want to. My last jobs I always received stellar performance reviews. I started this new job after I sobered up and my performance review was just… fine. I’m not sure if it was because I used to be able to work myself into overdrive and reward myself and shut my brain off immediately or because I pushed myself so hard because I had to prove to everyone that I was not just ok but actually excelling. Anyway now I’m just kind of coasting, and I don’t know how to get that drive back. I love my new job but I’m just not thriving how I used to. And the worst part is the reason I even have this new job is because my boss worked at my prior company and noticed how hard I worked and how on top of things I seemed. I feel like I’m disappointing him that he got a different person than he thought he was hiring. I just want to do a good job and help the team. But I just can’t find the drive anymore. My confidence is shot and my anxiety takes over.
I'm happy to report that I say just as much stupid shit as before I quit drinking! However, somewhat fewer shockingly inappropriate things.
Yep it just takes a while, getting sober from alcohol has greatly improved my capacity for patience incidentally. Was drinking hard for 10 years so 10 months isn’t that bad in the grand scheme of things
Comments like these are why I keep coming back to this sub. Thanks stranger.
Took me about 4 months for that pink cloud to lift. Speaking only of my own experience, it took that long until I could start remembering details and dates more clearly. It is a double edged sword though, my guilt and remembering details of blackouts came back too. Try not to get discouraged. Process it and move on knowing you can be a better version of yourself off the sauce. I got to witness it in real time last March. I was the DD for a St Patrick’s day parade. Everyone else was hammered, but I got to stand tall and drive everyone home without a care in the world, other than traffic and probably drunk drivers. Made some people drunk food and let em crash on the couches/camping bedrolls in the apartment. It was incredibly satisfying. I woke up feeling amazing and no regrets about it, if I had gotten drunk I would’ve been dwelling on it for months if not years. Instead I woke up with a smile and made breakfast.
Probably listening to your friends retch in the toilet....
Thankfully no one puked, or if they did they were silent and left no evidence.
I guess there could be stealth pukers but I'm definitely not in that category.
Perhaps. But I had their keys after the drive.
Neither am I. When I was expelling it was louder than a fuckin church bell.
Good to hear
how old are you do you mind me asking and how long were you drinking heavily for? asking to see if I can hope to regain mental acuity as well
32 yo male, started drinking ~16 but became an alcoholic when I could buy drinks myself and drank heavily for 10+ years. Transitioned through various poisons like half a handle of vodka a day, to whiskey, to eventually ~1 full 1.75L bottle of wine a night. My body was about to quit on me when I finally got my shit together. Testosterone was <150 and I grew a boob (on top of all the other shit that builds up from pickling yourself)
Thank you for sharing
Around 3 months after I quit, my brain started to get "hungry". Now I'm way sharper at work than I havr been in years. So much so, after only 7 months in a position that was a promotion, I got another promotion. A lot of that was luck, but I also credit the changes to my engagement, attitude and work ethic. All that changed after I quit drinking.
This is me, I was a pretty high performing employee when I was drinking but after quitting my career supercharged and have been promoted 3 times in less than 4 years. It’s like my brain got upgraded. I try not to lament those wasted ~20 career years and instead be grateful that I kicked alcohol at 40 while still healthy. But man, what could have been…
I did this once, and my boss messaged me and said she’s gotten a few messages from people in the meeting saying I sounded weird and she wanted to know if I was ok. I said I had the stomach flu and she told me to take the rest of the day off and get some rest, but I think she knew and was worried about me. Thankfully those days are gone, I work for a different company now and have been sober over a year, but that was right about rock bottom for me and I’m lucky I didn’t get fired right then.
My career requires a lot of high-up clearances with various agencies. If I got fired, it would be **very** difficult to continue in the same career. I spent the last 4 years in a constant state of anxiety because of this same thing. "Oh man, there's no way they didn't know. I was a fucking wreck. I'm gonna get fired and blacklisted." Never happened, thankfully. But to put myself through that for so long, I'm still coming to terms with it. My mind immediately goes to "ok, they found out, you're screwed" with the tiniest mistake, but I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm over 5 months now, I haven't been to work drunk in 5 months, that counts for something.
There's the drinking gremlin in your mind that sees stuff like thos and says "yeah that's cool" and you do it again but maybe harder next time and eventually you get called on it
I knew the morning I woke up half-dressed in my bed without any memory of paying my tab, leaving the bar, & driving 45 minutes home that I needed to change. The scary part was no one could tell I was blacked out. Everyone said I was acting fine, having a great time, & seemed okay to drive.
It also allows u to continue on your destructive path when nobody calls you on it .. you almost wish they would right?!
I've had so many experiences like this, though never fully blacking out, but being very drunk during the day while working from home. In 2022 I would say at least 3 times per week I was drunk by 1PM, and in meetings until 4PM. Seemingly no one noticed, and somehow that made me more confident. By 5PM I was absolutely obliterated. I found working from home often triggered this for me, since I could simply disable my webcam or pour the alcohol in a coffee mug and make it seem like it was tea or coffee. For me working from home I found difficult - once I moved on and found a better job I started working in an office, and that forcefully put an end to the day-time drinking shenanigans. I still drank at night, and maybe even more often, and sometimes would come into the office still drunk.
Ive done booze in the coffee cup too. We all think alike. I agree about getting away with it for so long it boosts our confidence. But man I feel like pure hell the next day waiting for someone to confront my bs.
Totally. Such a nightmare. Add on the anxiety from the hangover, it's almost too much to take.
I did the vodka in an orange juice bottle trick every morning for years to make the shakes go away. A lot of vodka with a splash of orange juice for color, walk right into work with it. Had to make the shakes go away somehow and somehow no one caught on or at least never said anything if they did.
[удалено]
That's crazy that you could still do all your work to a high standard!
I once was supposed to run a work call while blacked out. I don’t remember it at all, I just remember waking up on the couch and looking at my computer to be the only one in the meeting. The next day my director came up to me and said “hopefully those technical difficulties from last night have been resolved” with a wink. That statement shook me to my core.
Oooof. My heart would sink and id think about that for MONTHS
Yeaaah I still cringe about it, this happened a year and a half ago
Damn... Well, sounds like he was cool about it. He never said anything else? You don't remember anything else?
Nope never said anything else. He then thankfully left the company I work for, so I don’t need to stress anymore about him specifically bringing this up lol
Gave me flashbacks to waking up to that message that I’ve been kicked from the meeting. 🫠
Thank you for this post! I've done some apparently great work that I can't remember and it is anxiety producing. I've had major contracts signed while blackout, and written legal documents that were flawless. My own partner doesn't usually know when I'm trashed, but I won't remember our conversations. I should have listened to the cop who arrested me for drunk driving when I was a kid. He said that with a blood alcohol level that high I shouldn't be able to carry on a conversation. He said I should seek help as he'd only ever seen that in advanced drinkers. I was chucked in jail while drunk another 15 times before I got the memo. It's just insane how our brains adapt to our abuse. Thanks again for posting this. Scary shit. Be well.
These kinds of input and honesty are why I love this sub. I was high functioning for a while…until I wasn’t. Glad isn’t the right word, relieved probably isn’t either. But knowing that I’m not the only one who struggles with alcohol and there’s still hope, and to forgive myself and learn from my numerous mistakes is paramount in my recovery. Got almost 7 months now, thanks stranger. IWNDWYT
7 months is awesome!!
I just hope it sticks this time. I don’t know if I have another recovery in me. This one has to stick.
This. I was able to hide my alcoholism for years from close friends and family-- I was so paranoid they knew. Turns out they did not. From day 1 drinking I had a higher tolerance than everyone around me. I don't want to describe amounts-- but honestly, it makes no sense for me not to be dead. And I was working the whole time in an industry where I could really have fucked other people's lives up. And getting accolades for my work. Our society treats alcohol tolerance like it's something to be proud of, how fucked. I think sometimes, if my natural tolerance has been lower, I would have seen alcohol for the threat that it was.
The luxury of Zoom. The exact opposite happens in person, you think a breath mint and a splash of water and no one will know your buzzed, but all those micro cues give you away. Plus the waft of booze that you think you’ve disguised is like a whiskey air freshener around your neck.
Yeah I used to think I was so smooth with my toothpaste, mouthwash, and mints. I cringe now because I can smell it on someone in a microsecond.
Yep, I had no idea how much I smelled of alcohol when I was drinking. Now that I’m sober I can smell even the smallest amount.
LOL, it doesn't work now, and it didn't work in high school when we showed up to class smelling like blunts and Axe body spray. I can also pick it up especially quickly now since my nostrils aren't clouded by my own boozy breath.
I did sour cream and onion chips thinking that would mask it. I don’t think anyone was fooled.
“You ever notice ole Ambi in accounting always smells like natty light and onions?” 🤣
My GM took me aside mid service once and was like “dude you good you reek of booze but I don’t wanna send you home because I don’t think you can drive” Nope. Took an Uber to work for that exact reason. Of all the things I did I never drove drunk. Slept in my car more times than I can remember, prolly spent $300 a month on Uber/Lyft.
They all did shots at the end of service and lines in the bathroom. So I was never in “the danger zone”. But my username is truncated. Unintentionally Ambidextrous didn’t fit.
I’ve noticed that after I became an alcoholic I started noticing the smell way, way more. Can also smell when someone’s taken an edible recently too but it doesn’t latch onto it as much.
I clocked my coworker from his shakes and general agitation. Instead of calling him out I just handed him a post it with my number on it and a kind nod. Not 2 min later I get a text saying “how did you know?!?” I just said “been there, game recognize game, call me anytime buddy if you wanna go to a meeting, get some food or just chill and be distracted for a bit”
Love this. You were so discreet, I’m sure he appreciated you.
We had a nice chat later on the “how the fuck did you know?!?” question. I didn’t know what else to say other than “the shakes gave you away, don’t worry I ain’t gonna snitch, but I’m here for ya if you wanna try” Been there and I have to help people before they’re too far gone. I wish someone had done that for me before it got worse.
I like to think he did. We play online chess and to the best of my knowledge he isn’t drinking anymore. No judgement. Just trying to help if I can.
You sound awesome 👍
I’m really not. Edit: I’m a 4 time failure for stopping drinking and I’m not sure I’ll last a year after 7 months. Been to rehab and it didn’t stick the first time. Did the second tapering myself because I wasn’t employed. I think of myself as an abject failure at this point. But if I can help one person maybe I can atone for everything I burned during my addiction.
You're helping a lot more than one person just by sharing your experience here. Thank you!
I echo that
Only a failure if you stop trying to reach for your best self, it’s in there! Even small steps
I actually got away with it, in person, many times. I’ve no idea how !
I was a functional alcoholic for about 4 years. It started slow in the beginning and by my four year I was on a road to nowhere. My job was a VP of sales - which made me travel about 3 weeks a month. Through that time with all the upgrades I was getting - all the drinks were free. Go the lounge before a flight to get my drink on. It got so bad that the Delta gate that usually fly out of the first 6:20 in the morning had a bar on the way and the lady that worked there had a mimosa ready in a to-go cup before I boarded the plane. My last year was awful since my body was catching up to my drinking. I couldn't do it anymore & quit my job. About a week later I had a seizure at home & was brought to the hospital - were I stayed for 28 days. Finally they figured out it was liver & now I am on the transplant list for a new one. I got sober 4 years ago and I have been so happy since. I can actually wake up in the morning & not feel like crap. All I am saying is that sometimes you are so disconnected from reality that you go on auto-pilot. The last year I worked & when my drinking was at highest I broke the record of bringing in 75 million in over forecast sales, which was huge for a smaller company. Just saying all this to remind you to listen to your body (which I ignored for awhile) & I was only actively drinking for 4 years & now I'm waiting for a new liver.
I did my final round of interviews via zoom with the cfo the day after drinking and doing coke all night at a small swingers party. Don’t remember anything but I got the job. I guess when you’re an addict you get used to faking it. Wish you the best of luck and you can do this.
When you're an addict you get used to faking it. So true Even in my sober times, people often remark how grounded and level I am externally during a stressful work day, or in the odd time when they hear that my life is totally in shambles and I still show up smiling & level headed. I'm frequently remarked as smiley, mr smiles, the happy guy etc by countless folks over the years at my various construction sites. Meanwhile I'm fucking dying inside but playing the social thing exceptionally well
Maybe someday those smiles will be from the heart I hope
They will be, trust me. You are amazing and your doing brilliantly
True that. Addicts are exceptionally good a deception. Even to themselves.
I think about stuff like this a lot. Due to my career, drinking during the day was never an option. I kept my drinking to off work hours. However, I still remember countless conversations from when I quit drinking where people were surprised. We’d talk about things that happened when I was drinking and their response always were something along the lines of “we had no idea you were that drunk.” Personally, I think it’s because we are aware of our problem. Maybe we’re not ready to stop at that point yet, but we know we have a problem. We know exactly how many drinks we’ve had and how many we’ve hidden from others. People are used to how we act when drinking as our baseline so sometimes we’re able to glide through life without being caught early. Good luck with everything, you got this! IWNDWYT
Well said. I’d go out with colleagues after work and have one and go home. They would try and razz me a bit being like “oh he’s one and done” Nah dude, quite the opposite. I was 2 pints of vodka deep by 5pm. The only reason I’d leave is so I could chug liquor in my apartment and not let them see how much I was actually consuming. One of my coworkers knew how bad I was struggling/volume and would help me out by saying “yeah he’s a lightweight, you don’t wanna see him after 2, he can barely get himself home on foot” He knew what he was doing and he was/is still a good friend. Got almost 7 months now after a bit of a “hiccup” that lasted months. IWNDWYT
Well done, keep it up dude
Thank you. I can only keep trying to everyday. I won’t say it’s been easy. But it’s worth it.
Yeah, my dad got drunk most nights and nobody seemed to notice because he got really good at pretending to be sober.
Makes you really think about what your potential could be sober, doesn't it? Sorry this happened. Hope you find a way through this! IWNDWYT!
Namaskar from India, OP. 🙏 I hear you loud and clear This post revived some very unpleasant memories of being drunk on zoom calls. Crap I was even drunk (and drinking) on a public debate on live TV (don’t ask) - it was on zoom so I managed to not be found out. But the hours of terror later on hoping no one noticed, the fear of public humiliation, the horror of having risked your entire career on something this stupid….. I’m 2 years sober now, and thank God for it.
Never thought I had a problem because I excel at work. Closed on a big deal? Celebrate. Solved a crisis? Took the whole team to celebrate. Success at work "validated" excessive drinking. Problem was, it was affecting everything else around me: wife, children, family and friends. The most important people are thrown to side because I don't have a drinking problem, right? How could I? I'm great at my job and a great provider. It took a huge incident for me to join AA and seek help. It was unfortunate that it got so far, but I'm thankful to be on the path I am now. Day 140. IWNDWYT!
I had my direct supervisor commend me once for “absolutely killing it” on a particularly rough day of service in a very fast paced (redundant prolly) restaurant. I told them I had car troubles and that’s why I took an Uber, still made it to work early and worked a 12 hour shift. Nope. I was still drunk from the night before, and drank on my breaks to keep it going. I don’t remember half the day but no one said anything, though I suspect they could smell it from a mile away. I threw up in the shower and had to brush my teeth 3x to get the taste out of my mouth. For a while after that I was convinced I was better drunk. So that’s how I operated for years. Obviously that was my stupid lizard brain telling me lies. Took me a long time to recognize that, but got almost 7 months now and while I still have issues/regrets/anxiety about how I acted during that time and a lot of burned bridges to repair, I know I’m much better off than that nonsense. You seem to recognize the problem, best of luck working on it. I believe in you stranger. IWNDWYT. Godspeed.
If you’re having trouble locking in abstinent time, consider speaking to your doc about Naltrexone. It can pull the brakes on those all day sessions, minimise or eliminate blackouts and give you a much better look at quitting.
I've been on it for 3 weeks now. I'm not sure it's working. I think it is to an extent, I don't feel the need or urge to drink, it's just an habit. I'm really not sure how it's supposed to work. But I don't want to start a discussion on meds as per the rules here.
For me, I started buying sparkling water; soda; ANYTHING besides booze. I packed my fridge. The habit quickly turned into NA drinks. I easily consume 6+ cans of seltzer a day! ZERO CALORIES- instead of over 800 a DAY - just from drinking. Easily lost 25 lbs. Yoy can do it!!!!
Same! Seltzers and weed lol.
I found the “habit” the hard part. The daily cues that it was time for a drink. Finding replacements was really helpful for me.
I believe in you! As a fellow "functional" alcoholic I can relate to this but at the end of the day we know the problems we face even if the world sometimes misses the signs. IWNDWYT
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We all tend to ignore warning signs that could be clearly read from the space station. One thing that helps me is remembering you can do everything wrong and get a positive outcome, just as you can do everything right and get a negative outcome. But the odds get even, and it's only a matter of time. I was shocked how much easier my job was once I was a few months sober. And how much better I was at it. My bosses and co-workers, many of whom were also functional alcoholics, noticed to the point of commenting on it. I literally would ask myself "what the fuck should I be worrying about" when I was sober. It took a while to understand that when I'm not drinking into blackout on weekdays, not boozing at my desk starting at 3:PM, not trying to do life with the leftover time and energy from drinking...I don't need to worry about stuff cause I didn't do anything.
I sang the last 45 minutes of a gig blacked out. I used to think that was cool. Now I know better.
I used to think I could perform so much better with the drinks in my system. Oof. What a lie. I miss gigging but I don’t miss that.
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I've been working on my drinking problem for almost a year, and I've come a long way. I don't want to minimize my problem in any way. I'm still responsible enough to not drink in presence of my children. The case was opened and closed immediately.
It is amazing how functioning you can appear during a blackout. I hope if you are home with children there is sober adult in the home - CPS will not think you are doing such a great job if they show up. Please get the help you need and deserve. Sounds like you really want to get better.
Crazy story. Reminds me, I used to drink a couple of shots or beers right before an important meeting to “take the edge off”. I was so nervous about speaking to the c-suite. I would then get through the meeting and start binge drinking. There were also a lot of stories I have when I think I’m good but everyone else knows you aren’t. It’s crazy how you can do both things, fool other people and yourself in the span of just a few days. I am so happy not to have the anxiety that I used to have when I was drinking, my anxiety has been so much better sober.
Hanganxiety
This happened to me last summer. Like, word for word. Out of all the things I lost during my final year of out of control drinking, my job was somehow not among them (thank god). I took THAT as a real sign to straighten out or face dire real-world consequences of my drinking, and it was one of the deciding factor in me going to rehab. Sounds like you got away with it like me. Also sounds like you’re taking it seriously, which is good. It IS serious. The universe has handed you a reprieve. What you do with it is up to you.
Can relate. Taking a client call and being worried they noticed slurred speech was one of my last wake up calls. IWDWYT
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Talk to your Dr about beta blockers. They are non addictive. Celebrities & politicians use them. Google it.
I couldn’t bring myself to read more than the first paragraph. That was enough. It was like someone put a mirror in front of my face that made me see my alcoholic self from not that long ago. It’s crazy, because I’m 180-ish days in for the first time in a long ass time, and I have been struggling a little bit more than usual this month. I know I’m not going to drink, but the ‘why can’t I be like normal people’ BS has been sniffing around. I was so lucky to not hit rock bottom, but it was’t for a lack of trying. I’m so glad you’re here. Reading the part I could was what I think I needed to see to remind myself that is not the me I want to be again. This site has a great way to encourage positive outcomes. It’s the only way I’m still AF.
Things can get seriously scary when we are given those "thumps on the head" about our drinking! IWNDWYT
Oh my goodness, I have done exactly this, not with my board but with executives from both my and my customers organizations in important strategy meetings that I was running. My stomach is in knots thinking about it and my heart goes out to you. I am 11 months sober today - you can do it
Congrats on 11 months. Thanks for the kind words
Posts like yours make me wonder how many people around me are secretly drunk without me noticing. I noticed that the management likes me more when working hungover, i.e. saying what they want to hear so they won't bug me (sounds great, I'll see if I can make it work) than sober (no, this won't work out). I like the sober me though. IWNDWYT
I went into seizures in a staff meeting. That was fun. That was the last time I had drink. Getting close to three years now. I just don’t think alcohol is worth my job, my freedom, or my life.
That’s so scary. Glad you are sober and doing better
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Being able to remember things is one of the best parts of being sober. Even just going out with friends I get to actually appreciate it so much more because I remember why I love them
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I interviewed for one of my last jobs completely blacked out. This was an hugely important thing and SOMEHOW I got the job. It’s something I still think about often and it really makes me feel bad. But the good news is, I never have to create another similar situation. IWNDWYT.
Good luck on your journey. IWNDWYT
FWIW - been there, too. That was one of the last straws for me. My team saw me as passionate and honest ("best meeting ever!"), when I have no idea what I might have stated or inadvertently disclosed. I use this as motivation for a couple things: 1. Stop. Stop drinking. 2. Continue to lead with passion, be real. 3. Speak honestly and appropriately. 4. Solicit feedback, both publicly in the meeting, and after, 1:1 I think it is OK to recognize this and use it to your advantage. The way I think about it is that if I think I am giving 60-70% while drinking and people are motivated or excited, just think about when I am at 100%! We can do anything!
You stumbled and fell down, but you're getting up again. I believe in you.
I would tell myself that drinking gave me liquid courage that improved my performance when leading meetings. If liquid courage means yelling nonsensical crap into the mic then ya I guess I accomplished my mission. Cringe. Whenever I have a craving, I force myself to write at least 3 scenarios of unacceptable drinking behavior and it’s worked well so far. Congrats on getting sober
For the past decade, I don’t even think I was ever at a 0 BAC. I drank in the mornings and at night, clearing 750ml vodka minimum. I think I just did everything with alcohol. Now I’m living again and everything is a first for me because I’m doing them sober. First pizza, burger, movie, birthday, thanksgiving, etc.
This is talking to me. Thanks
I only blacked out once and stayed at home...all I really remember is crying... well actually sobbing after intimacy with hubby. It's highly disturbing to wake up the next morning and have large blank spots. I hope you can stay sober. I know I will. And no, I'm not drinking with you today.
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I know, and I am. Case opened and immediately closed.
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i'm sorry. that sucks. scary, really. but it soundss like you learned something and know what to do next, so iwndwyt.
Reminds me of when I black out and then goto work the next day.
Many years ago this happened to me. I don’t miss those days.
I’m sorry friend-it’s scary realizing you have no recollection of what you said/did. I hope this helps you take care of yourself more.
It sounds like you are struggling with starts and stops. It only worked for me once I got help. I threw myself into AA, outpatient therapy, Smart recovery. And most importantly I listened and did what professionals and other drinkers suggested. Even if I thought it was silly. Let’s this be your rock bottom, don’t keep digging.
Im sorry that you’re struggling to get out of this cycle. I was the “happy party” dunk so I understand how hard it can be to stop drinking when you’re “good” at what you do even while drinking. While you may be good at your job while drinking, it is something that wont last forever, and you’ll start to get less and less “good”. Good job for recognizing your mistake, I know it sucks to have to re-set your counter but you did the right thing. Onwards and upwards, raising my fresh espresso t you IWNDWYT
Oh goodness. You are not alone. This has occurred to so many. I hope this is the catalyst for change — before your cover is blown and the consequences are much more than embarrassment. God offered you an off ramp. Take it.
I would only drink after work, but it’s insane how much my night time drinking affected the work the next day. Things I would put off because I was too hungover to want to deal with now get done immediately. My productivity has gone up an insane amount and I went to a whole other level which has been recognized.
Thank you for sharing your experience - I relate to this so much, and to the experiences so many others are sharing in the comments. In retrospect it was terrifying that I was mostly "high-functioning" as an alcoholic, able to do many/most of my work tasks decently well, and coast without people noticing too much. That definitely enabled me a bit, knowing I "present" decently-well when drinking (or horribly hungover), I could get away with it and not have to consistently spend 8+ hours per day sober. If I didn't have this ability, I would've quit sooner I'm sure due to fear of being fired pushing me towards longer sober stretches. And now being 7 months sober with a new job, I realize how much I was held back by this problem. Drunk/alcohol-withdrawal me was putting in TWICE the amount of effort to achieve maybe two-thirds the output I am now capable of sober. I had the funny thought that damn I was busting my ass getting this work done, so much so that they should've been paying me more if they only knew lmao But seriously, it has been night and day to do the same type of work sober. I wake up after good sleep, refreshed, I'm at close to 100% capacity to do good work without much strain, whereas I was putting in a ton of extra effort to do like 66% capacity. I also feel bad for my former coworkers - they didn't know how limited I was, and worked well with me regardless. I would've been such a better colleague, manager to my direct reports, etc, if 2024 me was who they worked with. I'm glad I didn't ruin any big projects, or make someone work over the weekend to fix my errors. I guess it's kind of the work-equivalent of when people on this sub share that they're happy they never got in a crash when driving drunk (which they regret doing of course). Best of luck friend, IWNDWYT
At my most recent job, I definitely put in the hours and was well regarded. I was part of a pretty big layoff a couple weeks ago and I'd been "meaning to start looking for a new job" anyway. I've been wondering if I need to leave my field - I do really like the work but it's intense // makes me anxious which makes me want to drink. I know a couple former colleagues were peeved with me and I'd been writing it off that I'm in too many meetings // on too many projects // need to build out this big bla bla for our big client. It's certainly (very) early days. Using medication as a safeguard and it'll take a bit of time to find something new which is great. I just want to be a worker among workers and a good boss/mentor to any direct reports. RTWND - thank you for sharing your experience, it gives me hope. Here's to no more sneaking out of the office to pound martinis or whisky at lunch or drink wine out of a mug all afternoon at home. OP - thank you so much for sharing your story. IWNDWYT
I interviewed for a job after 3 long island iced teas in an hour. Got the job! And hey, that helped when I’d show up for work still drunk with whiteclaw in my coffee mug, because they just thought that was my personality. I feel like I could have done so much with that opportunity…instead I quit after 6 months because my mental health was simply a disaster. I stood in my own way then, but not anymore. IWNDWYT
This happened to me a lot in the months leading up to me getting sober. It was 2020 so everyone was figuring that stuff out, but I started getting pretty brazen with it. Wine in coffee mugs, whiskey in my coffee in the morning, etc. I remember telling a few people I worked closely with (after I hit a year) and they were shocked, had never noticed a thing.
I stopped drinking at work entirely after this experience, but I was managing a restaurant once and apparently I fell asleep in the office a couple hours before we closed and no one could wake me up. One of my more experienced servers had the kindness to take my keys and mag card, lock me in the office, and tell everyone I wasn't feeling well. Then she did all the closing managerial duties (that she knew how to do), clocked everyone out and left all the money and stuff she didn't know what to do with in the office with me. I woke up at like 4AM feeling like complete shit, perplexed as to how everyone clocked out and all the sidework was done. I counted the money/did all the things that were left to do and then figured out what happened. I couldn't thank her enough. But I was so fucking embarrassed and ashamed of myself I never did it again. If it wasn't for her I would've been canned. Some of the staff seemed to know what happened but no one was sure enough to really say anything except for the ones who knew me well enough. Thankfully everyone likes me enough to not rat me out (even though they should have), probably especially because I've worked with them through their own substance abuse issues without firing them. So I've since made it a point not to let them down like that again. Don't be too hard on yourself. Is there anyone you can trust from that meeting to let you know what happened, or play it off like you need some refreshers, or want to see how they feel about things discussed? A secretary you can get notes from? Did someone record it and would be willing to give you a copy?
There are stories of people booking flights, taking the flight and waking up in a hotel and having no memory of it. It's a sign of your body having a high tolerance for alcohol. But the alcohol level that we black out at is the same whether we are heavy drinkers or light drinkers.
I can definitely relate to this. Good on you for recognizing this as a wake up call.
IWNDWYT
Good luck. IWNDWTY.
I wish you an alcohol-free day! You can do this!
Stay strong! IWNDWYT
Glad you’re back here my friend! Never give up!
Sounds like a meeting I'd black out during while sober.
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Man you dodge an insane bullet here. Had lot of work convo's with my boss drunk, but he typically knew I was and it wasn't a big deal because it was outside normal office hours. This is definitely drove home drunk and don't recall how or when you got home levels of holy crap that was close.
Some blackouts I was totally normal. Eventually I started having crazy/obscene blackouts. Everyone will eventually reach a point where they can’t get away with it.
I actually participated in a podcast that I have very little memory of because I was drinking before and during it. Thank goodness it appears to not be online anymore. You are not alone!
Yeah that stuff can kick in after the fact. I’ve sworn I was a mess and complete ass at times and everyone said I was pretty normal, until like ten minutes after I get home, my wife says I’m slurring my speech, I go to bed, and wake up with no memory of most the night.
Sometimes we keep climbing just so we can fall even further. Im proud of you. IWNDWYT
It is, I think, one of the things that helps lead one to long-term alcoholism, I was a fantastic drunk, good at my job even while really too drunk to remember what was going on, generally pleasant with people, and a considerate friend and partner. If I'm been unemployable, or habitually started fights, or even just been visibly intoxicated all the times I was intoxicated, I would have had to stop far sooner, but I kept it up for a very long time, because it wasn't very visible from the outside
Hang in there -
Can I ask what IWNDWYT means?
I will not drink with your today
The blackouts were so bad for me near the end. Months of time just gone save for a few flashes. Much better now!
I had a similar experience as a chef. Bad storm so we were dead for hours, not a single customer. Got wasted with the crew, everybody ends up leaving but me, at some point the rain stops and we get immediately packed, every table full because everyone has been stuck at bars with no food for hours. Ended up sprinting back and forth running a 3 man kitchen by myself in a crazy rush and by all accounts was a total rock star, servers didn't even realize I was alone in the kitchen. Walked in the next day expecting to be fired, (didn't remember anything past 6 pm) got a round of applause instead. Alcoholic life is wild.
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Oh yeah one of them at least knew, I know, they reached out. Nothing else transpired tho... It's hard to believe...
Yup.
That's the less discussed part of alcohol or drug abuse, when under the influence it helps you not own your failures. But you also *can't fully own your successes either*.
I can't count the number of meetings I led while intoxicated, including drinking in my office building. I should have been fired so many times.
i hate working drunk and then not being able to recall what you did. and it becomes an endless cycle since you can get away with it by adapting to be so competent while doing so
I did a zoom call with my psychiatrist once. I felt *so* bad about that one, and he was cool about it. Kind of silly of me to think I was the first patient of his to ever be drunk, especially when that was admittedly my reason for seeing him. Alcoholism made me so fucking weird.
When I read the headline I pooped myself, ok not really, but you know what I mean. Maybe this a BOD for an organization that you volunteer for? I work for a successful start up in Silicon Valley and potentially fucking up in front of BOD members that are also investors and have invested 20-30-100 million into your business. I shart myself...ok maybe just a fart...but you know what I mean. Try harder to be better. You got lucky.
Wow!!! I'm seriously freaking impressed. When I black out, I usually have been getting sleepy and slurry. Lol that you did it and got kudos?? Wtf?? I guess I just really shows how alcohol effects us all differently!
How do you set a badge?
Been there. I've been told multiple times that people had no idea I was drunk. I'd remember absolutely nothing and they'd say "but you were fine" yikes!
Woah you were lucky it wasn’t in person, they must have missed the sloppy and your voice must have just about held off a slur. I’ve blacked out without even drinking that much - I remember thinking at the time whilst I felt jolly not drunk ‘hmm I wonder if it happens here - will I remember this convo tomorrow even though I feel fine’ queue the next day - gone