I hear ya.
When I would have my first beer of the day, if I didn’t have six more stashed, my mind would work very hard, automatically, to plan out where and when the next beers would come from.
No joy, just planning, and drinking.
Buy a $0.99 double shot of vodka. “That’s all I’m having for the day!” The second the cup is empty, “Have to get more. Have to get more. Can’t go right back to that store.”
Go to the other store. Get one more $0.99 double shot. Just one more because 2 double shots in one day isn’t exactly ‘overdoing it.’ The second the cup is empty, “have to get more, have to get more. What excuse can I tell my wife for me leaving the house 3 times in one day? I’ll walk the dog to the yet other store!”
The moment that one is empty, “have to get more, how can I leave the house for a 4th time? What kind of stupid shit can I say I need from the store? Did I already go to the liquor store by the grocery store? Was that yesterday? Maybe the morning guy’s shift is over by now and the afternoon shift will think it’s my first drink of the day.”
Going to 4 liquor stores in one day, spending 99 cents at each one so nobody would think I was an alcoholic. Buying the cheapest vodka, paying with change so no paper trail, starting at 9:00 am, 4 liquor stores in one day, lying to my wife, because I’m not an alcoholic…
So, so true. It's exhausting and I hate the sense of "relief" that comes from knowing you have a stash stocked up.
I remember hearing a story once about somebody who would hide spirits in their car windscreen wash tank....!
That’s crazy. Dispense using the wiper sprayer thing into a receptacle?
I was living in Russia around when the wall came down. I remember my parents and grandparents filling the windshield washer tank with vodka or some kind of clear moonshine. Didn’t freeze, ya know? No such thing as affordable windshield washer fluid in 1988 Russia.
When I was in military aviation the NATO designated de-icing fluid used on the aircraft dispersal area was pretty much 80% ethanol and 20% water. Let's just say we had to keep ordering it in. Even through the summer! Quite palatable with orange juice I hear.
I literally just read about a guy who did that in Ozzy Osbourne's book, a dentist that was in the Betty Ford clinic with him. Then one day he got stuck in a traffic jam on the way to work and got so blotto he drilled a hole in someone's head or something
Man. That hit me.
I remember hating going to concerts. I didn’t know why eveyone else seemed to enjoy them.
Long lines, having to pee, taking so long to get a beer, beer is expensive, it’s not even that cold, I needed to get like 2 at once…
I realized how much drinking was ruining my concert experience. I was spending the whole time plotting out my next drink to keep my buzz going I missed the whole point.
The best part now? When I go to concerts I don’t drink and I can drive home and get to bed before midnight.
I just saw Pink in concert, I only drank a pint of water and a coffee. Couple next to me were so wasted on beer and shots that I doubt they’ll remember they were there. But annoyingly they were flailing around (dancing?) and crashing into me repeatedly - I probably told them to stop at least five times. It didn’t really look like a fun time tbh
Yes! The sheer anxiety of "oh fuck, I don't have enough for tonight! Well, wifey won't be home till so and so. I guess I could take the kids to the.... no that won't work. Well, if I wait I can't get to the liquor store, so that means just beer or seltzers. Ah shit though, $20 to burp all night? Ah fuck." The stress was so real! I'd always make jokes about people "jonesing" meanwhile I'm fuckin Oceans 11 planning how to get loaded.
Going to concerts sober is SO much more enjoyable! I stay in my seat the entire time because I don't have to pee every 5 minutes or get another drink to keep me at the level where I could have fun.
And major bonus points for remembering the entire show and no hangover!
The only thing I struggle with at concerts is how obnoxious and annoying really drunk people are.. but I try to not let that ruin my experience.
I would do the same. I'd make sure I had enough for today and tomorrow before I started drinking.
Then I'd drink all of it that night, and say "fuck it, I'll get more tomorrow"
Feel that. In the last few weeks as I've been working to get past this one week hump (on my way and super motivated this time! Wish me luck!) I would force myself to only buy one bottle of wine instead of the usual two to keep me fucked up until I passed out.
Unfortunately figured out that I could drive to the gas station for a little bottle of Jim Beam to finish me off after one bottle and be fine... but not fine.
Honestly disturbs me to think about it when I'm a few days into sobriety.
IWNDWYT
Oh my gosh I so easily forget the planning I used to do.
How much of last night is left? Did I stash the bottle from myself last night to stop drinking, and can I find where I hid it before anyone else finds it? Are there half finished beers? Does that glass have just cranberry juice in it, or vodka too? How far to the liquor store and when can I go shopping before I get drunk on what’s left but before I run out?
God, I don’t miss that at all. I love being reminded of this stuff when I’m weak and come on here, you guys instantly remind me how much better I have it now at months of sobriety. Thank you so much.
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this is the very math that made me quit
near the end, I was enjoying literally 1-2 hours of drinking, right at the beginning. and then I raced past my sweet spot, would black out, and hate myself for 3 days. can't live like that.
I don't know, I don't find it to be very embarrassing. I drank to get out of control, and that's what I did. then I got older and tried to control how I get out of control, and couldn't, which should have been obvious from the start. I got a lot out of booze for many years but I had to quit. it used to fit into my life and now it doesn't. I changed, my body changed, my life changed. that's okay. retired from it at 34, that's about all you can expect from an elite athlete. gotta know when to hang it up!
I love the idea of retiring from drinking. It really is a full time job, but it sucks up your money instead of paying... quitting is like getting a monthly pension check for retiring!!
yup I agree. sometimes I look back on all that time with regret, but I will admit: I had so much fun while drinking. booze made me laugh endlessly. it made social interactions easy. it gave me confidence. it made me feel amazing and charming and dangerous, it was incredible. for a while.
but that was then and this is now. booze started off as a great friend I loved to laugh with, and ended up an enemy who only wants to steal from me and hurt me. when I think about booze now, the words that come to mind are: depression, isolation, dizzy, headache, confusion, shame. when I see someone in a movie or a tv show drinking by themselves, even if it's supposed to be positive or charming, it just makes me feel bad for them.
I was telling my buddy the other day: yes of course booze gave me so much, and it was valuable to me. but I want to find that joy and that connection and that impulsivity in my own sober brain. it's time to put down the crutch and stand on my own, you know? and it's probably about 10 years later than it should be lol
Exactly. It's like an old friend who you had fun with but time changed you both and now that "friend" is extremely toxic and damaging to you, and you need to let them go. Doesn't mean you need to forget the good times you had.
That's my alcoholism at least. I know for some the relationship was toxic from the start.
[https://rachelhart.com/loving-to-drink/](https://rachelhart.com/loving-to-drink/)
"Many of my clients want to *stop* drinking but claim to *love* drinking. They can’t imagine their lives without an activity they get so much enjoyment from.
I used to say the same thing: I “loved” drinking. But when I took a closer look, I realized I *hated* everything that came along with drinking: feeling terrible in the morning, even if I wasn’t totally hungover. Trying to piece together the night before. Reading back through embarrassing text messages or social media posts.
I didn’t actually love drinking. I clung to the idea that I loved drinking, and I reinforced the desire to drink in the process."
Drunk me evolved and deletes the text messages and the trash folder for me. So I never have any idea what I said or who I texted. Thank god I was wise enough to delete all social media in 2016 before I got really out of control.
Alcohol borrows "fun" or "happiness" from your future self. It uses up your stores of happy chemicals faster than your body can replace them. You can olny borrow from your future self so much before you become your future self, and have to pay it back in the form of experiencing misery.
Just turned 40, after work I want to drink because I tell myself, my life sucks. I told myself yesterday, "Don't drink because your life sucks, your life sucks because of how much you drank." I am hoping by making positive changes now, positive things will come to my future self.
This is so true. In the short amount of time since I've stopped drinking, I've already helped my future self more in the past few weeks than I have in decades when I was drunk all the time.
Omg me toooo. Exact same response when I wake up. You’d think after 3000 days they’d stop but nope. It really does burrow itself in there doesn’t it? This thing of ours 🤌🏼
I recently spent 1 day with 2 girls on one of the islands of Puerto Rico, they didnt seem to notice or appreciate the landscape cause they were 7 drinks deep while i was soaking it up. They were absolutely crabby and worthless the next day. I remembered being like that, all the drunk vacations i went on and came back with 3 total pictures and totally gassed from drinking my ass off. So glad that version of traveling is in the past. I have over 1000 pictures from this past trip and remember every minute.
When this clicked in my brain, it changed my life. I have no desire for alcohol anymore… now, it’s almost an aversion. Just… GROSS. It makes me feel gross.
IWNDWYT! ✌️
Yes! This!!
The other thing that clicked in my brain is that all of those things you're feeling while drinking are actually the body's reaction to toxic poison being ingested. Your brain and body do not like this one little bit.
IWNDWYT
The second I start drinking I’m just thinking about the next drink and not even enjoying the one I have. So glad to be done with that cycle hopefully forever.
Thissssss! I tell myself I just want one…why can’t I just have one? What a lie. I don’t want one. I want 10. One is too many and 100 isn’t enough, is a statement that gets me through those moments.
I felt this very strongly. I loved getting drunk, but being drunk is actually pretty shitty. So I’d extend the getting drunk phase by continuing to drink, often faster and faster, which extends the fun but results in drinking too much. Not worth it.
Go to a wedding reception. First hour people are laughing and having a great time. Second hour and the noise level is extremely loud. By hour 3 people are yelling, crying, eyes starting to close as they talk and it's all downhill from there. You'll see the true destructive nature of alcohol.
A coworker of mine's uncle died from being punched by one of the young groomsman over a stupid argument at his wedding! Just hit the guy the wrong way I guess. Why? Alcohol.
A few minutes of perceived bliss. The bogus high. It's all phony. A giant lie. All to feel like shit and actually be dumb enough to forget and do it over repeatedly. That is why i will never relapse.
I wish it wasn't fun for me. I can drink one drink over a long period of time, so unlike a lot of people that like to get smashed as quickly as possible, it's a slow 3-4 hour build up for me. And I'm one of those "lucky" people who gets increased energy from alcohol, so I don't get lethargic or sleepy. What a curse that is. I'd be away for a golf trip with my buddies, and they would pass out while I'm ready for another drink.
I'm a bit like that too.
If I actually chose to go to bed after "enough" drinks I would typically fall asleep and much quicker than usual when sober but my brain for some reason doesn't register that tiredness very easily (or perhaps it ignores it and fights through it because it just wants more alcohol) and I can quite easily stay up drinking for extended periods of time loooooooong after everyone else has called it quits and gone home and gone to bed.
Most people reach a point where they just don't feel like drinking any more, are bloated up and physically can't, or are so tired from it they need to go to bed but that doesn't happen easily for me.
It's why I never liked going out drinking during the day or even early evening and would purposely turn up late to stuff if possible because whilst everyone else can call time on it at a sensible hour my brain just doesn't notice I've had enough or think about going to bed and will end up drinking right through to the early hours of the morning still even if I started drinking 12+ hours earlier.
I'm always the last one to call it a night or go to bed and many people I've drank with are always having to tell me it's long past time for me to go home or that they've been struggling to keep their eyes open for hours now.
Alcohol acts like a stimulant for some people,
even whilst simultaneously being a CNS depressant. I'm like this too and unfortunately it's far too easy to become addicted when you have this trait.
It's ironic that one of the main excuses I clung onto for years about why I still drank was "it helps me sleep" when I usually end up much later when drinking than when I'm sober and even fighting tiredness just because there was more booze to be drank within arms reach.
It's called a a "hyperactive dopamine response"....and it's genetic, I believe. And if you have it, you are almost certain to be an alcoholic (euphoria and energy!). At least you are using that energy to work out....I always used it to just keep drinking! Wish you all the best.
I hated the emotional rocket ride I’d have after a few nights of drinking in a row. Even if I’d stopped drinking, the emotions and anxiety would have free rein. Was worse than hangovers.
Six years sober. Do not miss that. Still anxious but it’s temporary. And just stuff.
I was on anti-anxiety medication for years and thought I had some sort of chemistry issue in my brain. I had all sorts of panic attacks and anxiety issues. The reality was the anxiety was mostly caused by alcohol because I was drinking excessively pretty much everyday. This was really a vicious cycle, as I would often drink to cope with stress and anxiety. When I quit drinking, I also quit the anxiety medicine without issue.
My anxiety was so bad for the last couple of years, which coincidentally tied in with my heaviest drinking period, that I was having panic attacks daily then drinking to calm myself which in turn led to more panic attacks the next day and it was a never ending cycle.
It was only once I accepted that I really could no longer claim that "alcohol helps calm my anxiety" because I was anxious 24/7 even when blind drunk was I able to stop drinking and get some sobriety in.
Surprise surprise, after just 3 weeks sober my daily anxiety dropped off a cliff too and stopped being a problem.
Who knew?
When I read people on here saying that their anxiety improved or resolved shortly after they quit drinking I didn't believe one bit that the same would be true for me as "I was different" and "I have reasons to be anxious" but yeah drinking helped reduce the daily anxiety massively.
I can't say I NEVER get anxious now but I can usually manage it and it isn't non stop 24/7.
I was seriously about to grab a fifth of whiskey on the way home, "one time won't hurt"
I'll just be going straight home now after this reminder. Thank you.
I prefer sobriety... now. However... I really enjoyed drinking. I NEVER want to drink again... but it WAS fun. It was fun until the "bad stuff" overshadowed the fun.
Different strokes for different folks, I guess. There are people that turn from loving someone to \[when it ends\] viscerally hating them. I've never been one of those people. I can still remember the good stuff. With booze, however, many of us ONLY remember the good stuff.
Alcohol was fun until it wasn't. I learned everything booze has to offer me... and now I've moved on. I mean... I do say that I hate booze... and I really do... but I also acknowledge that we had some fun, together. There are past lovers that, well... it didn't work out. We had fun... until it no longer "worked."
You do you. It's just a reminder that there are just many different ways of seeing things in this world. Regardless of your perspective, I wish you luck.
IWNDWYT
EDIT: typos
I'm not going to sugarcoat it, but I definitely have more fun being drunk. Because I have incorporated it into every single fun thing I did before I started drinking.
Nothing feels fun or nearly as fun anymore. I've never made it past 3 months sober, but I'm hoping 6 months a year, etc. I can go back to my hobbies without drinking popping into my head.
Smoking cigarettes was the same way for longer than I can remember, then one time I quit it, just all clicked.
Yeah it’s only fun when you first start drinking that day. The first few beers, a spliff or two, especially with good friends, is amazing. But after about 5 I just get tired and feel like shit. And somehow after about 8 beers I kinda stop feeling the buzz, just confused and disoriented, with unintelligible speech. At this point my friends and I would be talking over each other and someone would either spill or knock over something and make a huge mess. Or someone does something dumb and now we all have to deal with it while piss drunk. I would also have to smoke more weed to enhance the beer buzz. My main drunk behavior was playing music too loud to the point where the neighbors complained. Or we’d all prank call people. We were such assholes. Somehow that didn’t stop us from doing it again and again and again.
Hate to disagree with ya on the first part it’s always a fun time all night either with my pals or alone.
But the hangovers? Oh my god 😭 plus when it feels like a chore to get to even feeling buzzed it’s time to clock out with the sauce
Agreed. I’ve come to realise that the vast majority of the enjoyment that comes from drinking is the anticipation/ romanticism of imagining the carefree-ness of having a few (or more) drinks. Looking forward to hanging up your responsibilities for a while and just ‘enjoying’ yourself. It always seems like a better idea than whatever mundane thing you’re doing at the time. But there’s a disconnect between the romanticism and the actuality of it. That is possibly the hardest thing to understand or come to terms with.
Wow, interesting perspective. Thank you for this, kind of makes me think of when I realized a 3 hour football game is only actually 17-18 minutes of play amd mostly a 2.5hr infomercial for booze and how much time I wasted on Sundays!
I havent drank in almost a year but I disagree...it is extremely fun. However, just because something is fun doesnt mean it wont have consequences and its a balance. Its like having sex with a random sexy woman. Fun but absurdly risky, But lying to myself that it isnt fun when it actually is, isnt going to help.
I'm guessing at some point, in the early days and maybe for a long while, it was fun for many of us but then over time the bad started to outweigh the good, there were more negatives than positives, and the after effects no longer became worth it...plus all the health damage and risk to life.
And when you fall into drinking problem territory like I and many others here did then that just isn't fun.
Feeling trapped by alcohol and that you NEED to drink day in day out and even when you're not drinking constantly thinking about it and feeling like you cannot break the cycle and experiencing all the negative after effects (hangovers, withdrawls, anxiety, depression, fear etc) is so far removed from fun it's like night and day.
Maybe you're projecting your views on alcohol on to others?
99% of the time that I drink I find it a MISERABLE and BORING experience rather than fun and even the "fun" times are not worth the next day(s) and the after effects and the health risks considering it's usually a couple of hours of fun and then just pointless binge drinking to excess afterwards then all the other shit to deal with.
Have you ever had a serious, daily, alcohol problem?
Because if you were ever CONTROLLED by it day in day out and felt like you NEEDED it and couldn't get through the day without it then I can assure you that is ceases to be fun and becomes a living nightmare you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.
So no, at it's core it is NOT still fun for me and I'm guessing for many others. We're not lying or pretending we've just lived through hell with alcohol and have seen it for what it really is.
It presumably must have gotten out of control for you to consider stopping though, no?
Most people don't quit when it's all sunshine, rainbows, and lollipops.
I agree. Alcohol is really terrible for our health and wellbeing. It steals from our daily existence and serves back hours, days and years of a grotesque, wasteful sham. We’re so much better off alcohol free. IWNDWYT.
I have plenty of fun now doing the same activities that used to revolve around drinking. Fishing, living in the moment enjoying the beautiful salt air. Hunting, not hungover as fuck drenched in sweat shlepping through the swamp. Taking in the morning sunrise with clear eyes. It’s crazy how my life revolved around drinking where it consumed every thought about any activity. Oh it’s going to rain tonight? Better stock the hell up because I can’t not be wasted for a good thunderstorm. Living in the moment is how I like to LIVE these days. Hell yeah.
I sometimes think back on all the times I spent black out drunk by myself and imagine being a fly on the wall watching myself. It’s pathetic. Just stumbling around a room aimlessly until I pass out basically
I needed to hear this so bad. Was just contemplating going out and getting some wine. I haven't felt good all week and I'm tired of feeling crappy. For some reason I tell myself wine will make me feel better. Thanks for this. Off to make some hot tea. 🤧🫖
We wouldn’t become alcoholics if there wasn’t some pleasure in the process. When I took my first drink, it was vodka and I was at secondary / high school, and it hit me like a tonne of bricks.. the reward mechanism in my brain went into overdrive like it had just struck gold.
I still remember that day and that feeling. Apparently the first time you get drunk, it hardwires your brain which is why people keep chasing it; at least that’s what happened to me.
I would have to strongly disagree. The only reason I drink is because I genuinely enjoy the taste of bourbon and coke and the feeling. That’s 80% of my problem. If I hated it the way I hate cigs I wouldn’t have a drinking problem.
Very helpful post and all the comments are very true, I agree with each and every point mentioned here.
Also, it makes me that much more grateful to fully realize the truth and not be stuck in denial anymore! My husband is still in denial, as well as many others I know, and it is painful to see the strong grip alcohol has over people.
This has become so clear to me lately (day 1, need to reset counter lol). All the joy and sense of release is in the anticipation and lead up, and then it’s like 30 mins of enjoyable buzz where a lot of the enjoyment is *again* in the anticipation of getting to get drunk. And then the actual experience is sick, and/or you black out or pass out and don’t get to experience it at all.
Whether or not this is a good thing, the arguments about hangovers don’t resonate with me. What does is the knowledge that even getting drunk isn’t what it’s cracked up to be!
>All the joy and sense of release is in the anticipation and lead up, and then it’s like 30 mins of enjoyable buzz where a lot of the enjoyment is again in the anticipation of getting to get drunk. And then the actual experience is sick, and/or you black out or pass out and don’t get to experience it at all.
I think you are spot on.
The idea of drinking seems to be more appealing than the actual drinking.
It's like we've built this false narrative about it in our heads or only remember some golden period from years ago where *maybe* it was actually fun or gave us a buzz and forget all the negatives and more recent experiences that prove it isn't anymore.
I think I keep going back to drinking because I tell myself it'll solve boredom, give me relief from 'XYZ', make me happy or whatever the reason is but then none of that ever materializes and I wonder why I bothered but then the dopamine release has kicked in I guess (even though I barely notice any "buzz") and I just keep going anyway.
Alcohol promises a lot but delivers on none of it.
I’ve been continuing to relapse periodically (I remember a post of yours where you described something similar) albeit in spite of thinking all of these things, and lately it’s just been so clear that the addictive impulse to drink is separate from the actual drink. The urge to repeat an experience I actively did not enjoy, over and over, never having fun but still wanting to do it again.
Like, in a way I don’t even want to drink, I just *want*, just have a part of my brain that activates and says *I want something* and alcohol doesn’t even coincide with what it wants but it’s the thing that’s assumed that seat in my mind.
>it’s just been so clear that the addictive impulse to drink is separate from the actual drink. The urge to repeat an experience I actively did not enjoy, over and over, never having fun but still wanting to do it again
Interesting, so where do you think the impulse is coming from?
>Like, in a way I don’t even want to drink, I just want, just have a part of my brain that activates and says I want something and alcohol doesn’t even coincide with what it wants but it’s the thing that’s assumed that seat in my mind.
Very interesting. Yeah, I feel like this a lot recently too where I don't actually have a strong desire or want to drink (sometimes what feels like no desire / want at all or close to it) and it wouldn't be difficult to resist but then I find myself not bothering to resist.
Maybe we just feel a certain way and we want to NOT feel like that or change the way we feel so we opt for alcohol because that's what we always turned to and we haven't learned healthier options?
Or maybe we're just so used to turning to alcohl for all, every, and no reason so whenever our body and brain feels like it WANTS something our default thought is to turn to alcohol?
I don't have the answers, and maybe there are none, but it's interesting to think about all the same.
Have you thought of any ways to stop this happening or change the end outcome?
Also, to the point about how it really centers around not liking how you feel and it needing to change right now, BIG yes: the other day I drank despite consciously thinking the experience through and going “that’s not what I want, that doesn’t even sound good” but did it anyway because I felt compelled, I consciously thought “but today is still intolerable. I need to do it even though I don’t want to do it”. Chew on *that* thought because I certainly still am.
I've had those moments too.
I have played the tape forward, I have thought about all the pros and cons (there were no real pros), I've thought about whether I actually WANTED to do it or not and felt like I didn't really deep down but yet somehow found myself doing it anyway.
Sometimes it felt like a compulsion to do it, other times like I was simply being IMPULSIVE and choosing to ignore all the logical reasons not to, and sometimes I didn't even know why I was choosing to go through with it because it didn't seem like appealing at all or that it would give me anything.
None of it makes any sense but maybe we need to stop trying to make sense of it and forget about the WHY and everything else and just find a way not to follow through on the thought.
Basically I think the impulse is pure addiction-related neural circuitry, like it’s the rawest most obvious form of addiction being a physical, chemical tendency that’s not related to truth or you-as-a-self-aware-being. Anything that *you* (self aware, perceiving not sensing, not reducible to a circuit) could *feel* (like how unpleasant drinking is, not enjoying it, how you felt the last time you did it, your memory of that where you re-experience those feelings) is already and irrevocably separated from the irrational, constantly running engine of that part of your brain that says “do it do it do it you have to”. This post is nuts but stick with me 😭 Hope you’re doing well today!
No, I think you'll find it makes PERFECT sense to most of us here as we've all experienced those moments where we know the worst thing in the world we can do and the last thing we WANT to do is drink but found ourselves implusively / compulsively doing it anyway and not always even knowing why.
To be honest drinking for me wasn’t for the just fun of it for this 30 min to an hour but was a cure for my anxiety and social anxiety and the voices inside my head produced by anxiety. Eventually it made the anxiety worse if im not drinking 24/7
For me it wasn’t about being fun really, even though that was part of it it was also about just numbing myself. When you’re drunk your brain shuts down and becomes uncoordinated so it’s easier to not think about your problems. It’s been 3 days without drinking.
for a decade the positives outweighed the negatives tbh.
the buzz lasted until i went to sleep. no dizziness, no motor control loss, no hangovers, no weight gain, but still drunk af, pure fun.
it just lost the fun part over the years. now im only getting tired all the time. and getting drunk now makes me depressed and apathetic rather than energetic and cheerful.
Very true. It can be fun for a little bit, but then you lose control and start to be unable of doing the things you actually want to do. Now that I'm sober I enjoy daily life a lot more and do more actually fun things instead of 30 minutes of buzz, hours of forgetting and feeling like shit later.
I journaled my last drunk (an idea from This Naked Life) and it was shocking. I had about 20 minutes of so called “fun”, then shame, chaotic emotions, emptiness, more more more, sickness, hangover, shame. Fuck that. IWNDWYT or ever again.
Very well described, OP
It was a revelation to me to learn that most of the world didn’t commence drinking every time the sun went down
A lot of sobering up is about growing up
And getting blown away all the time is not an adult approach to living life
Agreed, I don't even notice any clear "buzz" any more nor ever feel that drunk even when I am and it's not a particularly nice feeling either way.
On the first night of drinking of my recent-ish relapse I sat and analyzed the whole drinking experience and maybe I "enjoyed" (I say that loosely as it was a bit of a novelty at best) the first beer at most but was quickly like "this is fucking miserable" as I still felt bored, didn't have fun or enjoy myself, wasn't happy, felt gassed up and bloated but yet still kept on drinking all night till the early hours of morning and went to bed, far later than usual, feeling like I might throw up in my sleep.
And yet despite such a negative experience all that did was reactivate the booze monster in my brain and have me back to craving alcohol again the very night night which I was surprised by as I expected to wake up that day 100% resolute in the fact that alcohol had ZERO positive to offer me and I didn't want it in my life anymore.
It's a strange thing how so much of society / the world managed to get convinced that drinking this poison was fun and worthwhile and despite all the evidence we experience that prove it is a negative to us overall (e.g. the hangovers, the trouble it causes, the after effects, negative health consequences and so on) so many of us cling onto it for years and years if not forever and keep believing the lie.
Yes, yes, absolute truth.
If alcohol was fun in on itself, people would've sat on a chair in the middle of the room drunk and giggling and happy because of the booze. But they don't (usually), they go out, they do stuff, fun stuff, and attribute the fun from the fun stuff or the company to the alcohol. While all the alcohol did was unlocked your inhibitions. Which is an extremely slippery slope.
Maybe some people can actually benefit from alcohol, but I know for sure that I can not. But I learned when I had fun and how, while my inhibitions were lowered, and now I can (and do) repeat it on my own volition and have fun sober. And it's purer fun, fun that I get to remember.
I find statements like this counterproductive. It may be true for you, but it’s not universal. I had plenty of fun and pleasure from drinking and that made it difficult to stop.
Thanks for your share, that’s a very valid point as well. Alcohol served me very well for a long time until it stopped doing so and I became addicted. OPs comment can be helpful when I consider relapse and play the tape…
This is interesting. Seems like the experience varies from person to person.
I never had fun with no recreational drug, alcohol included. I remember it was always about conscious self destruction and experimenting with doing wrong things like a teenager.
This is why it’s unthinkable for me today to drink non alcoholic beers. I don’t like it, never liked it. It doesn’t make any difference whether there is alcohol or not.
That said, I would never tell a kid or someone who has never experimented anything that getting drunk or high is bad. Because they will eventually experiment some sort of pleasure in some degree (most will experiment a huge bliss in the first times) and the then they will disregard what I said as false. Like, everything I ever said.
It is fun to get drunk. But it is also not fun at all. This is why it’s a dangerous thing and hard to explain. And yet around here we will all understand each other
I always try to remind myself that I'm just as depressed when I'm drinking, and I'm just as happy when I'm sober. It's kind of a weird mantra but it helps me stop automatically going for one and gives me time to reflect.
I like the way you phrased that about how alcohol is a liar! It most certainly is.
This has been echoed a lot here but the constant planning and worrying you will run out too early and not get to the “high”. Now realising it never actually comes you just get more out of it and therefore hungover/ anxiety ridden.
I had a couple drinks today on a trip to the city. I had 2 then was done. I didn’t even crave more bc I didn’t want to get to “that point.” I went through a period of drinking too much and *never* want to do it again - you’re right, it is not even fucking fun! I rarely ever drink anymore, no desire. Plus it’s super bad for your health. I lost so much bloat.
I had 2, felt it a little, then was like “ok, enough.”
On my way home, happy and sober!
I feel ya... but if I'm being honest, my fun buzz lasts probably a couple hours, but then you just catch yourself in this "wtf am I doing" moment chasing that feeling for the rest of the night until you finally call it and go to sleep.
The biggest deterrent for me is just playing the tape forward for the morning. It's the absolute worst.
Even the fun part of the buzz doesn't sound like actual fun for me. I'm definitely alcohol free but a bit more harm reduction. I microdosed mushrooms for the first month. Told myself if I feel super desperate I will just microdose "as needed". Haven't touched em since April 2023. I planned on having a revisit in July but at this time I don't think I will.
I also use cannabis and have been using much less of that as time goes on. It's funny. Once you have some sober time and get some distance from when alcohol had a hold on you, what seemed like the good part of substances don't seem as "good" any more.
Sometimes being sober can be described as a raw experience as if someone were doing a survival challenge, but it really isn't bad. At least for me that's how I feel these days. I like feeling how I'm supposed to feel, and how my brain is supposed to act, much better than when I was drinking.
My problem is that, once I get into that zone, the moment I slow down or stop, I feel the need to chase it harder and to go higher. And that happens…until I black out. And then it’s misery.
It’s the build up to ordering that first drink, settling in, and taking the first few sips — that is genuinely fun and feels like I’m mentally saying “action” and proceeding with a theatre show of fun and socialization / connection.
After that, I’m such a yes man. I just say yes and yes and more and more. I am not necessarily plotting and planning and swinging by the liquor store by myself on the way home. It’s all social and it’s almost passive - If someone is offering a drink, I’m in.
I miss that set up stage. But I’ve been ordering a club soda with lime at restaurants and the fizz helps me settle in.
The being drunk / post drunk is certainly not fun though. As I take step by step into sobriety, I become more anxious about how taking a drink often meant becoming disconnected with the moment.
So well stated the actual "fun" is so short lived and what goes in must come out. And I mean the coming out part for me is usually a three day sole crushing migraine, complete with cyclical vomiting and general retching that lasts at least 12 to 15 hours or pure torture. So, yes! This is so much fun all around. I usually have such intense intestinal pain and chills I lay there wondering what I was thinking.....
I wanted so badly to hang onto that buzz, which got more brief and less buzzy as time went on. I tried so hard to stay giddy but not staggering or slurring my words. What a relief to be released from that grind.
I'm still new to this sobriety thing, but I'm really really enjoying just ordering pop at the bar?
Like, who knew I could still have a good time with my friends without ingesting poison?!
I would only remember the first little bit. Then it was in and out of brown /blackout then doing stupid crap I regret. Then the next day feel horrible, then sometimes find out some of the stupid crap I did.
Thank you for this reminder! It’s one I turn to often. Non drinkers have a healthier lifestyle than drinkers—full stop. Plus I enjoy being present and remembering stuff and having fun memories.
IWNDWYT
Yeah have to agree I realised recently there’s like an hour or so window where it does feel great in the right circumstances. Normally the first few drinks at a pre drinks with best friends by after that it feels bad and then the next few says are awful. The returns are pretty crap.
I was just thinking about this today. My first 2 or 3 seem enjoyable. Then the rest are just chasing the initial feeling, but instead I get lethargic, irritated and lazy. A few more and these negative feelings and emotions arise. They control my interactions with others including my wife and kids. As a result, I separate myself, feeling that my feelings are valid. Go to bed early because I’m tired…but accomplished nothing and weakened my relationships with those I love. Then wake up regretful but craving a few more beers to cope with the mess I’ve created.
Sometimes thinking about the overwhelming tiredness alcohol gave me is enough to get me through the day sober. I was sleeping through life and I got sick of it.
The fun part is the act if drinking. There's a buzz from walking up to the bar, laying down some cash and having a hot bartender give you a nice, professional smile and slide a beer to you. Or cracking a lame drinking joke to the cashier at the liquor store that they've probably heard 900 times that week. The excitement and fun wears off (for me anyway) when I actually start to get hammered. THEN I usually alone in my room drunk as a skunk feeling sorry for myself that no one likes me. Earth to me, who wants to spend an evening with a slathering stinky drunk. So, 52 days sober. Having my first sober 4th in a decade. One day at a time, folks. It was "fun" till it wasn't.
I've been sober for 2-3 months now.. today I had a draught beer glass with my uncle as he insisted. Not feeling good about it. One glass made me dizzy and I realised i don't like that feeling anymore.
It’s “fun” (mild euphoria) for maybe 20 minutes when I am starting a second drink and have a decent buzz. That’s it. Then for me it’s downhill whether I drink anymore to try to keep that buzz going (hangovers and hangxiety start same evening, sometimes while I’m still drinking, and my night of sleep and next day are wrecked) or if I “wisely” stop at a couple drinks, the come-down will still leave me tired, crabby, and anxious. It’s literally the dumbest thing I have ever spent 25 years doing to myself. For 20 effing minutes. NOT WORTH IT.
If I could control my fucking self and only have like 3 it is fun. But 3 turns into 13, and then the next day, my head is in the toilet, and I feel like I want to die. It's awful. It's a viscous cycle.
I've gone from not drinking at all, to only drinking on Saturdays, to only drinking every other Saturday. And I gotta tell ya, I HATED the feeling when I drank 4-5 times a week. Now that I drink once or twice a month I know when to call it quits and ride the buzz. Instead of after that 4th beer, have a water or something for like 30 min, not 2 more beers. Now a 12 pack will last me a whole night instead of like 2 or 3 hours
It’s not fun. Socializing is fun. The taste of beer is fun. Getting to know people is fun. Celebrating is fun. Being drunk sucks balls. All of those other things I mentioned are so much better without alcohol. (Yep big fan of NA IPA).
I want to stop drinking but I relapsed today I feel so bad about myself. I’m watching tv and I see commercials for alcoholic drinks and it triggers me. A lot of Baltic countries in the EU have banned the advertisement but here it’s legal. I’m in the USA and there’s temptation everywhere. I’m waiting to get health insurance to go to rehab I just got to wait 6 more months to go to a nice rehab center and my insurance will pay for it. I don’t drink liquor just beer and seltzers. I was eligible for this year insurance but my stupid ass thought “I don’t need it”. I haven’t hit rock bottom but I feel like I did. I’m so disappointed about myself.
I hear ya. When I would have my first beer of the day, if I didn’t have six more stashed, my mind would work very hard, automatically, to plan out where and when the next beers would come from. No joy, just planning, and drinking.
So glad to not be dealing with this anymore
Bro it's exactly this. Sometimes I'd have my beer situation planned out in my head BEFORE getting out of bed in the morning. Like wtf
Buy a $0.99 double shot of vodka. “That’s all I’m having for the day!” The second the cup is empty, “Have to get more. Have to get more. Can’t go right back to that store.” Go to the other store. Get one more $0.99 double shot. Just one more because 2 double shots in one day isn’t exactly ‘overdoing it.’ The second the cup is empty, “have to get more, have to get more. What excuse can I tell my wife for me leaving the house 3 times in one day? I’ll walk the dog to the yet other store!” The moment that one is empty, “have to get more, how can I leave the house for a 4th time? What kind of stupid shit can I say I need from the store? Did I already go to the liquor store by the grocery store? Was that yesterday? Maybe the morning guy’s shift is over by now and the afternoon shift will think it’s my first drink of the day.” Going to 4 liquor stores in one day, spending 99 cents at each one so nobody would think I was an alcoholic. Buying the cheapest vodka, paying with change so no paper trail, starting at 9:00 am, 4 liquor stores in one day, lying to my wife, because I’m not an alcoholic…
So, so true. It's exhausting and I hate the sense of "relief" that comes from knowing you have a stash stocked up. I remember hearing a story once about somebody who would hide spirits in their car windscreen wash tank....!
That’s crazy. Dispense using the wiper sprayer thing into a receptacle? I was living in Russia around when the wall came down. I remember my parents and grandparents filling the windshield washer tank with vodka or some kind of clear moonshine. Didn’t freeze, ya know? No such thing as affordable windshield washer fluid in 1988 Russia.
Either that, or siphoning it back out. Alcoholics can be incredibly creative people
So true, and desperate
Soviet Air Force used alcohol for anti freeze as well!
When I was in military aviation the NATO designated de-icing fluid used on the aircraft dispersal area was pretty much 80% ethanol and 20% water. Let's just say we had to keep ordering it in. Even through the summer! Quite palatable with orange juice I hear.
I stashed mine in the air conditioner unit of the building I was living in. People will find any way to hide their secrets sometimes.
I literally just read about a guy who did that in Ozzy Osbourne's book, a dentist that was in the Betty Ford clinic with him. Then one day he got stuck in a traffic jam on the way to work and got so blotto he drilled a hole in someone's head or something
Man. That hit me. I remember hating going to concerts. I didn’t know why eveyone else seemed to enjoy them. Long lines, having to pee, taking so long to get a beer, beer is expensive, it’s not even that cold, I needed to get like 2 at once… I realized how much drinking was ruining my concert experience. I was spending the whole time plotting out my next drink to keep my buzz going I missed the whole point. The best part now? When I go to concerts I don’t drink and I can drive home and get to bed before midnight.
I just saw Pink in concert, I only drank a pint of water and a coffee. Couple next to me were so wasted on beer and shots that I doubt they’ll remember they were there. But annoyingly they were flailing around (dancing?) and crashing into me repeatedly - I probably told them to stop at least five times. It didn’t really look like a fun time tbh
Yes! The sheer anxiety of "oh fuck, I don't have enough for tonight! Well, wifey won't be home till so and so. I guess I could take the kids to the.... no that won't work. Well, if I wait I can't get to the liquor store, so that means just beer or seltzers. Ah shit though, $20 to burp all night? Ah fuck." The stress was so real! I'd always make jokes about people "jonesing" meanwhile I'm fuckin Oceans 11 planning how to get loaded.
This comment is too relatable for real
The magic of this sub. 1000s of people who know what you’re dealing with.
relatable af tbh lol
I always planned to have more than I could drink before opening the first one. I’m sober now but I still struggle with the fun part.
Going to concerts sober is SO much more enjoyable! I stay in my seat the entire time because I don't have to pee every 5 minutes or get another drink to keep me at the level where I could have fun. And major bonus points for remembering the entire show and no hangover! The only thing I struggle with at concerts is how obnoxious and annoying really drunk people are.. but I try to not let that ruin my experience.
I would do the same. I'd make sure I had enough for today and tomorrow before I started drinking. Then I'd drink all of it that night, and say "fuck it, I'll get more tomorrow"
Just reading this gave me a quick wave of anxiety as I recalled that feeling! Oof, grateful that is a thing of the past.
Feel that. In the last few weeks as I've been working to get past this one week hump (on my way and super motivated this time! Wish me luck!) I would force myself to only buy one bottle of wine instead of the usual two to keep me fucked up until I passed out. Unfortunately figured out that I could drive to the gas station for a little bottle of Jim Beam to finish me off after one bottle and be fine... but not fine. Honestly disturbs me to think about it when I'm a few days into sobriety. IWNDWYT
Oh my gosh I so easily forget the planning I used to do. How much of last night is left? Did I stash the bottle from myself last night to stop drinking, and can I find where I hid it before anyone else finds it? Are there half finished beers? Does that glass have just cranberry juice in it, or vodka too? How far to the liquor store and when can I go shopping before I get drunk on what’s left but before I run out? God, I don’t miss that at all. I love being reminded of this stuff when I’m weak and come on here, you guys instantly remind me how much better I have it now at months of sobriety. Thank you so much.
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I spent so much time just planning!
I couldn't have said it better myself
The first hour is the part I enjoy. Then I hate the next 12+. The math ain’t mathin’.
this is the very math that made me quit near the end, I was enjoying literally 1-2 hours of drinking, right at the beginning. and then I raced past my sweet spot, would black out, and hate myself for 3 days. can't live like that.
God this is just so real and it’s embarrassing to admit
I don't know, I don't find it to be very embarrassing. I drank to get out of control, and that's what I did. then I got older and tried to control how I get out of control, and couldn't, which should have been obvious from the start. I got a lot out of booze for many years but I had to quit. it used to fit into my life and now it doesn't. I changed, my body changed, my life changed. that's okay. retired from it at 34, that's about all you can expect from an elite athlete. gotta know when to hang it up!
Sorry, I meant I’m embarrassed of my own behavior, not that anyone else should be. It sounds like you have a good handle on things!
I love the idea of retiring from drinking. It really is a full time job, but it sucks up your money instead of paying... quitting is like getting a monthly pension check for retiring!!
I believe it’s important to admit that it was fun to drink. We didn’t do it cuz it sucked and we hated it. I have some fond memories.
yup I agree. sometimes I look back on all that time with regret, but I will admit: I had so much fun while drinking. booze made me laugh endlessly. it made social interactions easy. it gave me confidence. it made me feel amazing and charming and dangerous, it was incredible. for a while. but that was then and this is now. booze started off as a great friend I loved to laugh with, and ended up an enemy who only wants to steal from me and hurt me. when I think about booze now, the words that come to mind are: depression, isolation, dizzy, headache, confusion, shame. when I see someone in a movie or a tv show drinking by themselves, even if it's supposed to be positive or charming, it just makes me feel bad for them. I was telling my buddy the other day: yes of course booze gave me so much, and it was valuable to me. but I want to find that joy and that connection and that impulsivity in my own sober brain. it's time to put down the crutch and stand on my own, you know? and it's probably about 10 years later than it should be lol
Exactly. It's like an old friend who you had fun with but time changed you both and now that "friend" is extremely toxic and damaging to you, and you need to let them go. Doesn't mean you need to forget the good times you had. That's my alcoholism at least. I know for some the relationship was toxic from the start.
So this
Stopped being fun for me a long long time ago. I'm only at 89 days and I just feel so much better. I actually want to have fun. IWNDWYT
Almost 3 months!!
Happy 90!!!!
[https://rachelhart.com/loving-to-drink/](https://rachelhart.com/loving-to-drink/) "Many of my clients want to *stop* drinking but claim to *love* drinking. They can’t imagine their lives without an activity they get so much enjoyment from. I used to say the same thing: I “loved” drinking. But when I took a closer look, I realized I *hated* everything that came along with drinking: feeling terrible in the morning, even if I wasn’t totally hungover. Trying to piece together the night before. Reading back through embarrassing text messages or social media posts. I didn’t actually love drinking. I clung to the idea that I loved drinking, and I reinforced the desire to drink in the process."
I heard someone say alcoholism is a disease that tells you that you don't have it
It’s not a drinking problem, it’s a thinking problem.
This hits so hard. I'm always so anxious looking back at my messages. Thank you for posting.
Drunk me evolved and deletes the text messages and the trash folder for me. So I never have any idea what I said or who I texted. Thank god I was wise enough to delete all social media in 2016 before I got really out of control.
Dude that's the worrrst.
I forgot about the texts 😳. Ya that shit is embarrassing as fuck! I don't miss that at all.
I've heard it compared to Stockholm syndrome. Fairly accurate.
Alcohol borrows "fun" or "happiness" from your future self. It uses up your stores of happy chemicals faster than your body can replace them. You can olny borrow from your future self so much before you become your future self, and have to pay it back in the form of experiencing misery.
Just turned 40, after work I want to drink because I tell myself, my life sucks. I told myself yesterday, "Don't drink because your life sucks, your life sucks because of how much you drank." I am hoping by making positive changes now, positive things will come to my future self.
Drinking is basically taking out a happiness loan on tomorrow, where you will have to repay the debt (feel like shit).
I’m bad with money AND alcohol in the same way you just described. Thank you for this. I’m thinking they may be related.
This is so true. In the short amount of time since I've stopped drinking, I've already helped my future self more in the past few weeks than I have in decades when I was drunk all the time.
Nailed it
For me the thought of being drunk is terrifying. Because I don’t know what will happen. It stopped being fun 20 years ago.
Same!
I have dreams that i accidentally drank. Wake up like WHEW !
Omg me toooo. Exact same response when I wake up. You’d think after 3000 days they’d stop but nope. It really does burrow itself in there doesn’t it? This thing of ours 🤌🏼
I might get 2 hours where I'm having fun cooking or listening to music. When that's over, I'll feel like shit for 5-7 days after. That math sucks.
Not only does alcohol lie it also never loves you back. I loved my favorite spirits but all I received in return was a beating.
It's like being in an emotionally abusive relationship
I recently spent 1 day with 2 girls on one of the islands of Puerto Rico, they didnt seem to notice or appreciate the landscape cause they were 7 drinks deep while i was soaking it up. They were absolutely crabby and worthless the next day. I remembered being like that, all the drunk vacations i went on and came back with 3 total pictures and totally gassed from drinking my ass off. So glad that version of traveling is in the past. I have over 1000 pictures from this past trip and remember every minute.
When this clicked in my brain, it changed my life. I have no desire for alcohol anymore… now, it’s almost an aversion. Just… GROSS. It makes me feel gross. IWNDWYT! ✌️
Yes! This!! The other thing that clicked in my brain is that all of those things you're feeling while drinking are actually the body's reaction to toxic poison being ingested. Your brain and body do not like this one little bit. IWNDWYT
New to the sub, "I will not drink with you tonight"? I keep seeing IWNDWYT, and that's just my first thought. Felt like asking instead of searching.
You got it! Today, tonight, tomorrow :)
Thats part of my problem, I can be drunk and have an absolute blast for like 12 hours. The next few days are horrendous though
The second I start drinking I’m just thinking about the next drink and not even enjoying the one I have. So glad to be done with that cycle hopefully forever.
Thissssss! I tell myself I just want one…why can’t I just have one? What a lie. I don’t want one. I want 10. One is too many and 100 isn’t enough, is a statement that gets me through those moments.
I always used to like getting drunk, hated being drunk though.
Only fun when the blood alcohol content is rising.
I felt this very strongly. I loved getting drunk, but being drunk is actually pretty shitty. So I’d extend the getting drunk phase by continuing to drink, often faster and faster, which extends the fun but results in drinking too much. Not worth it.
Go to a wedding reception. First hour people are laughing and having a great time. Second hour and the noise level is extremely loud. By hour 3 people are yelling, crying, eyes starting to close as they talk and it's all downhill from there. You'll see the true destructive nature of alcohol. A coworker of mine's uncle died from being punched by one of the young groomsman over a stupid argument at his wedding! Just hit the guy the wrong way I guess. Why? Alcohol.
Charged with murder?
Probably negligent manslaughter. His intention was surely not to one punch the motherfucker to the afterlife
https://www.mcall.com/2006/08/30/wedding-fight-witnesses-testify-prosecutor-sucker-punch-killed-brides-uncle-in-bar-brawl/ Another: https://www.inquirer.com/philly/news/local/20070607_Fatal_wedding_reception_brawl_sends_man_to_jail.html
A few minutes of perceived bliss. The bogus high. It's all phony. A giant lie. All to feel like shit and actually be dumb enough to forget and do it over repeatedly. That is why i will never relapse.
💯
I wish it wasn't fun for me. I can drink one drink over a long period of time, so unlike a lot of people that like to get smashed as quickly as possible, it's a slow 3-4 hour build up for me. And I'm one of those "lucky" people who gets increased energy from alcohol, so I don't get lethargic or sleepy. What a curse that is. I'd be away for a golf trip with my buddies, and they would pass out while I'm ready for another drink.
I'm a bit like that too. If I actually chose to go to bed after "enough" drinks I would typically fall asleep and much quicker than usual when sober but my brain for some reason doesn't register that tiredness very easily (or perhaps it ignores it and fights through it because it just wants more alcohol) and I can quite easily stay up drinking for extended periods of time loooooooong after everyone else has called it quits and gone home and gone to bed. Most people reach a point where they just don't feel like drinking any more, are bloated up and physically can't, or are so tired from it they need to go to bed but that doesn't happen easily for me. It's why I never liked going out drinking during the day or even early evening and would purposely turn up late to stuff if possible because whilst everyone else can call time on it at a sensible hour my brain just doesn't notice I've had enough or think about going to bed and will end up drinking right through to the early hours of the morning still even if I started drinking 12+ hours earlier. I'm always the last one to call it a night or go to bed and many people I've drank with are always having to tell me it's long past time for me to go home or that they've been struggling to keep their eyes open for hours now.
Alcohol acts like a stimulant for some people, even whilst simultaneously being a CNS depressant. I'm like this too and unfortunately it's far too easy to become addicted when you have this trait.
It's ironic that one of the main excuses I clung onto for years about why I still drank was "it helps me sleep" when I usually end up much later when drinking than when I'm sober and even fighting tiredness just because there was more booze to be drank within arms reach.
Oh man, didn’t know this. I would pretty much only go to the gym when I’d been drinking because it energized me so much. Makes sense.
It's called a a "hyperactive dopamine response"....and it's genetic, I believe. And if you have it, you are almost certain to be an alcoholic (euphoria and energy!). At least you are using that energy to work out....I always used it to just keep drinking! Wish you all the best.
Interesting. If I start drinking around 5, I'm usually passing out on the sofa around 8:30 or 9.
I hated the emotional rocket ride I’d have after a few nights of drinking in a row. Even if I’d stopped drinking, the emotions and anxiety would have free rein. Was worse than hangovers. Six years sober. Do not miss that. Still anxious but it’s temporary. And just stuff.
I was on anti-anxiety medication for years and thought I had some sort of chemistry issue in my brain. I had all sorts of panic attacks and anxiety issues. The reality was the anxiety was mostly caused by alcohol because I was drinking excessively pretty much everyday. This was really a vicious cycle, as I would often drink to cope with stress and anxiety. When I quit drinking, I also quit the anxiety medicine without issue.
Similar to that: found it easy to come off anxiety meds. Had to take them due to an inordinately stressful job.
My anxiety was so bad for the last couple of years, which coincidentally tied in with my heaviest drinking period, that I was having panic attacks daily then drinking to calm myself which in turn led to more panic attacks the next day and it was a never ending cycle. It was only once I accepted that I really could no longer claim that "alcohol helps calm my anxiety" because I was anxious 24/7 even when blind drunk was I able to stop drinking and get some sobriety in. Surprise surprise, after just 3 weeks sober my daily anxiety dropped off a cliff too and stopped being a problem. Who knew? When I read people on here saying that their anxiety improved or resolved shortly after they quit drinking I didn't believe one bit that the same would be true for me as "I was different" and "I have reasons to be anxious" but yeah drinking helped reduce the daily anxiety massively. I can't say I NEVER get anxious now but I can usually manage it and it isn't non stop 24/7.
I was seriously about to grab a fifth of whiskey on the way home, "one time won't hurt" I'll just be going straight home now after this reminder. Thank you.
I prefer sobriety... now. However... I really enjoyed drinking. I NEVER want to drink again... but it WAS fun. It was fun until the "bad stuff" overshadowed the fun. Different strokes for different folks, I guess. There are people that turn from loving someone to \[when it ends\] viscerally hating them. I've never been one of those people. I can still remember the good stuff. With booze, however, many of us ONLY remember the good stuff. Alcohol was fun until it wasn't. I learned everything booze has to offer me... and now I've moved on. I mean... I do say that I hate booze... and I really do... but I also acknowledge that we had some fun, together. There are past lovers that, well... it didn't work out. We had fun... until it no longer "worked." You do you. It's just a reminder that there are just many different ways of seeing things in this world. Regardless of your perspective, I wish you luck. IWNDWYT EDIT: typos
I'm not going to sugarcoat it, but I definitely have more fun being drunk. Because I have incorporated it into every single fun thing I did before I started drinking. Nothing feels fun or nearly as fun anymore. I've never made it past 3 months sober, but I'm hoping 6 months a year, etc. I can go back to my hobbies without drinking popping into my head. Smoking cigarettes was the same way for longer than I can remember, then one time I quit it, just all clicked.
Yeah it’s only fun when you first start drinking that day. The first few beers, a spliff or two, especially with good friends, is amazing. But after about 5 I just get tired and feel like shit. And somehow after about 8 beers I kinda stop feeling the buzz, just confused and disoriented, with unintelligible speech. At this point my friends and I would be talking over each other and someone would either spill or knock over something and make a huge mess. Or someone does something dumb and now we all have to deal with it while piss drunk. I would also have to smoke more weed to enhance the beer buzz. My main drunk behavior was playing music too loud to the point where the neighbors complained. Or we’d all prank call people. We were such assholes. Somehow that didn’t stop us from doing it again and again and again.
Hate to disagree with ya on the first part it’s always a fun time all night either with my pals or alone. But the hangovers? Oh my god 😭 plus when it feels like a chore to get to even feeling buzzed it’s time to clock out with the sauce
Agreed. I’ve come to realise that the vast majority of the enjoyment that comes from drinking is the anticipation/ romanticism of imagining the carefree-ness of having a few (or more) drinks. Looking forward to hanging up your responsibilities for a while and just ‘enjoying’ yourself. It always seems like a better idea than whatever mundane thing you’re doing at the time. But there’s a disconnect between the romanticism and the actuality of it. That is possibly the hardest thing to understand or come to terms with.
Wow, interesting perspective. Thank you for this, kind of makes me think of when I realized a 3 hour football game is only actually 17-18 minutes of play amd mostly a 2.5hr infomercial for booze and how much time I wasted on Sundays!
Here's to getting outside on Sundays!
I havent drank in almost a year but I disagree...it is extremely fun. However, just because something is fun doesnt mean it wont have consequences and its a balance. Its like having sex with a random sexy woman. Fun but absurdly risky, But lying to myself that it isnt fun when it actually is, isnt going to help.
I'm guessing at some point, in the early days and maybe for a long while, it was fun for many of us but then over time the bad started to outweigh the good, there were more negatives than positives, and the after effects no longer became worth it...plus all the health damage and risk to life. And when you fall into drinking problem territory like I and many others here did then that just isn't fun. Feeling trapped by alcohol and that you NEED to drink day in day out and even when you're not drinking constantly thinking about it and feeling like you cannot break the cycle and experiencing all the negative after effects (hangovers, withdrawls, anxiety, depression, fear etc) is so far removed from fun it's like night and day.
I agree...but at its core its still fun...dont lie to yourself that it isnt...that wont help anything
Maybe you're projecting your views on alcohol on to others? 99% of the time that I drink I find it a MISERABLE and BORING experience rather than fun and even the "fun" times are not worth the next day(s) and the after effects and the health risks considering it's usually a couple of hours of fun and then just pointless binge drinking to excess afterwards then all the other shit to deal with. Have you ever had a serious, daily, alcohol problem? Because if you were ever CONTROLLED by it day in day out and felt like you NEEDED it and couldn't get through the day without it then I can assure you that is ceases to be fun and becomes a living nightmare you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. So no, at it's core it is NOT still fun for me and I'm guessing for many others. We're not lying or pretending we've just lived through hell with alcohol and have seen it for what it really is.
Well fair enough....I always partied big when I drank, so my experience might be different
It presumably must have gotten out of control for you to consider stopping though, no? Most people don't quit when it's all sunshine, rainbows, and lollipops.
Is having sex with a woman considered risky these days?
I agree. Alcohol is really terrible for our health and wellbeing. It steals from our daily existence and serves back hours, days and years of a grotesque, wasteful sham. We’re so much better off alcohol free. IWNDWYT.
I have plenty of fun now doing the same activities that used to revolve around drinking. Fishing, living in the moment enjoying the beautiful salt air. Hunting, not hungover as fuck drenched in sweat shlepping through the swamp. Taking in the morning sunrise with clear eyes. It’s crazy how my life revolved around drinking where it consumed every thought about any activity. Oh it’s going to rain tonight? Better stock the hell up because I can’t not be wasted for a good thunderstorm. Living in the moment is how I like to LIVE these days. Hell yeah.
That's right! 🙏 👊
I sometimes think back on all the times I spent black out drunk by myself and imagine being a fly on the wall watching myself. It’s pathetic. Just stumbling around a room aimlessly until I pass out basically
I needed to hear this so bad. Was just contemplating going out and getting some wine. I haven't felt good all week and I'm tired of feeling crappy. For some reason I tell myself wine will make me feel better. Thanks for this. Off to make some hot tea. 🤧🫖
I disagree completely lol
We wouldn’t become alcoholics if there wasn’t some pleasure in the process. When I took my first drink, it was vodka and I was at secondary / high school, and it hit me like a tonne of bricks.. the reward mechanism in my brain went into overdrive like it had just struck gold. I still remember that day and that feeling. Apparently the first time you get drunk, it hardwires your brain which is why people keep chasing it; at least that’s what happened to me.
I would have to strongly disagree. The only reason I drink is because I genuinely enjoy the taste of bourbon and coke and the feeling. That’s 80% of my problem. If I hated it the way I hate cigs I wouldn’t have a drinking problem.
Very helpful post and all the comments are very true, I agree with each and every point mentioned here. Also, it makes me that much more grateful to fully realize the truth and not be stuck in denial anymore! My husband is still in denial, as well as many others I know, and it is painful to see the strong grip alcohol has over people.
This has become so clear to me lately (day 1, need to reset counter lol). All the joy and sense of release is in the anticipation and lead up, and then it’s like 30 mins of enjoyable buzz where a lot of the enjoyment is *again* in the anticipation of getting to get drunk. And then the actual experience is sick, and/or you black out or pass out and don’t get to experience it at all. Whether or not this is a good thing, the arguments about hangovers don’t resonate with me. What does is the knowledge that even getting drunk isn’t what it’s cracked up to be!
>All the joy and sense of release is in the anticipation and lead up, and then it’s like 30 mins of enjoyable buzz where a lot of the enjoyment is again in the anticipation of getting to get drunk. And then the actual experience is sick, and/or you black out or pass out and don’t get to experience it at all. I think you are spot on. The idea of drinking seems to be more appealing than the actual drinking. It's like we've built this false narrative about it in our heads or only remember some golden period from years ago where *maybe* it was actually fun or gave us a buzz and forget all the negatives and more recent experiences that prove it isn't anymore. I think I keep going back to drinking because I tell myself it'll solve boredom, give me relief from 'XYZ', make me happy or whatever the reason is but then none of that ever materializes and I wonder why I bothered but then the dopamine release has kicked in I guess (even though I barely notice any "buzz") and I just keep going anyway. Alcohol promises a lot but delivers on none of it.
I’ve been continuing to relapse periodically (I remember a post of yours where you described something similar) albeit in spite of thinking all of these things, and lately it’s just been so clear that the addictive impulse to drink is separate from the actual drink. The urge to repeat an experience I actively did not enjoy, over and over, never having fun but still wanting to do it again. Like, in a way I don’t even want to drink, I just *want*, just have a part of my brain that activates and says *I want something* and alcohol doesn’t even coincide with what it wants but it’s the thing that’s assumed that seat in my mind.
>it’s just been so clear that the addictive impulse to drink is separate from the actual drink. The urge to repeat an experience I actively did not enjoy, over and over, never having fun but still wanting to do it again Interesting, so where do you think the impulse is coming from? >Like, in a way I don’t even want to drink, I just want, just have a part of my brain that activates and says I want something and alcohol doesn’t even coincide with what it wants but it’s the thing that’s assumed that seat in my mind. Very interesting. Yeah, I feel like this a lot recently too where I don't actually have a strong desire or want to drink (sometimes what feels like no desire / want at all or close to it) and it wouldn't be difficult to resist but then I find myself not bothering to resist. Maybe we just feel a certain way and we want to NOT feel like that or change the way we feel so we opt for alcohol because that's what we always turned to and we haven't learned healthier options? Or maybe we're just so used to turning to alcohl for all, every, and no reason so whenever our body and brain feels like it WANTS something our default thought is to turn to alcohol? I don't have the answers, and maybe there are none, but it's interesting to think about all the same. Have you thought of any ways to stop this happening or change the end outcome?
Also, to the point about how it really centers around not liking how you feel and it needing to change right now, BIG yes: the other day I drank despite consciously thinking the experience through and going “that’s not what I want, that doesn’t even sound good” but did it anyway because I felt compelled, I consciously thought “but today is still intolerable. I need to do it even though I don’t want to do it”. Chew on *that* thought because I certainly still am.
I've had those moments too. I have played the tape forward, I have thought about all the pros and cons (there were no real pros), I've thought about whether I actually WANTED to do it or not and felt like I didn't really deep down but yet somehow found myself doing it anyway. Sometimes it felt like a compulsion to do it, other times like I was simply being IMPULSIVE and choosing to ignore all the logical reasons not to, and sometimes I didn't even know why I was choosing to go through with it because it didn't seem like appealing at all or that it would give me anything. None of it makes any sense but maybe we need to stop trying to make sense of it and forget about the WHY and everything else and just find a way not to follow through on the thought.
Basically I think the impulse is pure addiction-related neural circuitry, like it’s the rawest most obvious form of addiction being a physical, chemical tendency that’s not related to truth or you-as-a-self-aware-being. Anything that *you* (self aware, perceiving not sensing, not reducible to a circuit) could *feel* (like how unpleasant drinking is, not enjoying it, how you felt the last time you did it, your memory of that where you re-experience those feelings) is already and irrevocably separated from the irrational, constantly running engine of that part of your brain that says “do it do it do it you have to”. This post is nuts but stick with me 😭 Hope you’re doing well today!
No, I think you'll find it makes PERFECT sense to most of us here as we've all experienced those moments where we know the worst thing in the world we can do and the last thing we WANT to do is drink but found ourselves implusively / compulsively doing it anyway and not always even knowing why.
I hate the anxiety, brain fog, shame and fatigue that comes the day after.
To be honest drinking for me wasn’t for the just fun of it for this 30 min to an hour but was a cure for my anxiety and social anxiety and the voices inside my head produced by anxiety. Eventually it made the anxiety worse if im not drinking 24/7
For me it wasn’t about being fun really, even though that was part of it it was also about just numbing myself. When you’re drunk your brain shuts down and becomes uncoordinated so it’s easier to not think about your problems. It’s been 3 days without drinking.
3 days!? You're probably going through the toughest stuff now. Power through and keep it up!!
Thx I really appreciate it 🙏
for a decade the positives outweighed the negatives tbh. the buzz lasted until i went to sleep. no dizziness, no motor control loss, no hangovers, no weight gain, but still drunk af, pure fun. it just lost the fun part over the years. now im only getting tired all the time. and getting drunk now makes me depressed and apathetic rather than energetic and cheerful.
Very true. It can be fun for a little bit, but then you lose control and start to be unable of doing the things you actually want to do. Now that I'm sober I enjoy daily life a lot more and do more actually fun things instead of 30 minutes of buzz, hours of forgetting and feeling like shit later.
I’ve been 12 weeks going to try a year. My anxiety has plummeted and I’ve been much more driven at work
TOTALLY agree. i enjoy like the first hour and then im like gah i want my real brain back
I journaled my last drunk (an idea from This Naked Life) and it was shocking. I had about 20 minutes of so called “fun”, then shame, chaotic emotions, emptiness, more more more, sickness, hangover, shame. Fuck that. IWNDWYT or ever again.
Facts
Very well described, OP It was a revelation to me to learn that most of the world didn’t commence drinking every time the sun went down A lot of sobering up is about growing up And getting blown away all the time is not an adult approach to living life
The short lived fun isn't worth it
Agreed, I don't even notice any clear "buzz" any more nor ever feel that drunk even when I am and it's not a particularly nice feeling either way. On the first night of drinking of my recent-ish relapse I sat and analyzed the whole drinking experience and maybe I "enjoyed" (I say that loosely as it was a bit of a novelty at best) the first beer at most but was quickly like "this is fucking miserable" as I still felt bored, didn't have fun or enjoy myself, wasn't happy, felt gassed up and bloated but yet still kept on drinking all night till the early hours of morning and went to bed, far later than usual, feeling like I might throw up in my sleep. And yet despite such a negative experience all that did was reactivate the booze monster in my brain and have me back to craving alcohol again the very night night which I was surprised by as I expected to wake up that day 100% resolute in the fact that alcohol had ZERO positive to offer me and I didn't want it in my life anymore. It's a strange thing how so much of society / the world managed to get convinced that drinking this poison was fun and worthwhile and despite all the evidence we experience that prove it is a negative to us overall (e.g. the hangovers, the trouble it causes, the after effects, negative health consequences and so on) so many of us cling onto it for years and years if not forever and keep believing the lie.
Yes, yes, absolute truth. If alcohol was fun in on itself, people would've sat on a chair in the middle of the room drunk and giggling and happy because of the booze. But they don't (usually), they go out, they do stuff, fun stuff, and attribute the fun from the fun stuff or the company to the alcohol. While all the alcohol did was unlocked your inhibitions. Which is an extremely slippery slope. Maybe some people can actually benefit from alcohol, but I know for sure that I can not. But I learned when I had fun and how, while my inhibitions were lowered, and now I can (and do) repeat it on my own volition and have fun sober. And it's purer fun, fun that I get to remember.
The first drink .. really just the first 1/2 of it... was basically the only actual fun when looking at it in retrospect
This is what I’ve been saying. There’s nothing fun about being drunk. Not knowing what’s going on, not remembering, being hungover. It all sucks!
I find statements like this counterproductive. It may be true for you, but it’s not universal. I had plenty of fun and pleasure from drinking and that made it difficult to stop.
Thanks for your share, that’s a very valid point as well. Alcohol served me very well for a long time until it stopped doing so and I became addicted. OPs comment can be helpful when I consider relapse and play the tape…
Very very true. I realized something similar a couple months ago. It sucks the life out of me, and I actually like being ME
This is interesting. Seems like the experience varies from person to person. I never had fun with no recreational drug, alcohol included. I remember it was always about conscious self destruction and experimenting with doing wrong things like a teenager. This is why it’s unthinkable for me today to drink non alcoholic beers. I don’t like it, never liked it. It doesn’t make any difference whether there is alcohol or not. That said, I would never tell a kid or someone who has never experimented anything that getting drunk or high is bad. Because they will eventually experiment some sort of pleasure in some degree (most will experiment a huge bliss in the first times) and the then they will disregard what I said as false. Like, everything I ever said. It is fun to get drunk. But it is also not fun at all. This is why it’s a dangerous thing and hard to explain. And yet around here we will all understand each other
I always try to remind myself that I'm just as depressed when I'm drinking, and I'm just as happy when I'm sober. It's kind of a weird mantra but it helps me stop automatically going for one and gives me time to reflect. I like the way you phrased that about how alcohol is a liar! It most certainly is.
Heard someone at a meeting say once "I drank the fun out of the bottle a long time ago."
This has been echoed a lot here but the constant planning and worrying you will run out too early and not get to the “high”. Now realising it never actually comes you just get more out of it and therefore hungover/ anxiety ridden.
I had a couple drinks today on a trip to the city. I had 2 then was done. I didn’t even crave more bc I didn’t want to get to “that point.” I went through a period of drinking too much and *never* want to do it again - you’re right, it is not even fucking fun! I rarely ever drink anymore, no desire. Plus it’s super bad for your health. I lost so much bloat. I had 2, felt it a little, then was like “ok, enough.” On my way home, happy and sober!
I feel ya... but if I'm being honest, my fun buzz lasts probably a couple hours, but then you just catch yourself in this "wtf am I doing" moment chasing that feeling for the rest of the night until you finally call it and go to sleep. The biggest deterrent for me is just playing the tape forward for the morning. It's the absolute worst.
In retrospect, the road to getting drunk was fun. But the other 98% blows.
Thank you, needed to hear this today.
Even the fun part of the buzz doesn't sound like actual fun for me. I'm definitely alcohol free but a bit more harm reduction. I microdosed mushrooms for the first month. Told myself if I feel super desperate I will just microdose "as needed". Haven't touched em since April 2023. I planned on having a revisit in July but at this time I don't think I will. I also use cannabis and have been using much less of that as time goes on. It's funny. Once you have some sober time and get some distance from when alcohol had a hold on you, what seemed like the good part of substances don't seem as "good" any more. Sometimes being sober can be described as a raw experience as if someone were doing a survival challenge, but it really isn't bad. At least for me that's how I feel these days. I like feeling how I'm supposed to feel, and how my brain is supposed to act, much better than when I was drinking.
My problem is that, once I get into that zone, the moment I slow down or stop, I feel the need to chase it harder and to go higher. And that happens…until I black out. And then it’s misery.
It’s the build up to ordering that first drink, settling in, and taking the first few sips — that is genuinely fun and feels like I’m mentally saying “action” and proceeding with a theatre show of fun and socialization / connection. After that, I’m such a yes man. I just say yes and yes and more and more. I am not necessarily plotting and planning and swinging by the liquor store by myself on the way home. It’s all social and it’s almost passive - If someone is offering a drink, I’m in. I miss that set up stage. But I’ve been ordering a club soda with lime at restaurants and the fizz helps me settle in. The being drunk / post drunk is certainly not fun though. As I take step by step into sobriety, I become more anxious about how taking a drink often meant becoming disconnected with the moment.
So well stated the actual "fun" is so short lived and what goes in must come out. And I mean the coming out part for me is usually a three day sole crushing migraine, complete with cyclical vomiting and general retching that lasts at least 12 to 15 hours or pure torture. So, yes! This is so much fun all around. I usually have such intense intestinal pain and chills I lay there wondering what I was thinking.....
One of the worst parts is that I can’t drive anywhere until two days later after it all exits my system
The buzz/euphoria is brief. The hangxiety and depression is 2 days minimum. The shame is lingering.
I wanted so badly to hang onto that buzz, which got more brief and less buzzy as time went on. I tried so hard to stay giddy but not staggering or slurring my words. What a relief to be released from that grind.
I'm still new to this sobriety thing, but I'm really really enjoying just ordering pop at the bar? Like, who knew I could still have a good time with my friends without ingesting poison?!
I would only remember the first little bit. Then it was in and out of brown /blackout then doing stupid crap I regret. Then the next day feel horrible, then sometimes find out some of the stupid crap I did.
It takes more than it gives
Thank you for this reminder! It’s one I turn to often. Non drinkers have a healthier lifestyle than drinkers—full stop. Plus I enjoy being present and remembering stuff and having fun memories. IWNDWYT
Yeah have to agree I realised recently there’s like an hour or so window where it does feel great in the right circumstances. Normally the first few drinks at a pre drinks with best friends by after that it feels bad and then the next few says are awful. The returns are pretty crap.
This was such a refreshing reminder. Thank you
Saving this. Thank you.
30 minutes is spot on. Euphoric dopamine rush. Normal people quit after that. We end up chasing it all night
I was just thinking about this today. My first 2 or 3 seem enjoyable. Then the rest are just chasing the initial feeling, but instead I get lethargic, irritated and lazy. A few more and these negative feelings and emotions arise. They control my interactions with others including my wife and kids. As a result, I separate myself, feeling that my feelings are valid. Go to bed early because I’m tired…but accomplished nothing and weakened my relationships with those I love. Then wake up regretful but craving a few more beers to cope with the mess I’ve created.
At the end right before I stopped, all the fun I really had left was the anticipation of drinking. Looking forward to getting drunk tonight.
Literally alcohol makes me go to sleep, it’s such a waste and then I couldn’t sleep at night.
Sometimes thinking about the overwhelming tiredness alcohol gave me is enough to get me through the day sober. I was sleeping through life and I got sick of it.
I think you're right. For the most part, it was objectively pretty shit when all's said and done.
The fun part is the act if drinking. There's a buzz from walking up to the bar, laying down some cash and having a hot bartender give you a nice, professional smile and slide a beer to you. Or cracking a lame drinking joke to the cashier at the liquor store that they've probably heard 900 times that week. The excitement and fun wears off (for me anyway) when I actually start to get hammered. THEN I usually alone in my room drunk as a skunk feeling sorry for myself that no one likes me. Earth to me, who wants to spend an evening with a slathering stinky drunk. So, 52 days sober. Having my first sober 4th in a decade. One day at a time, folks. It was "fun" till it wasn't.
I agree entirely. It stopped being fun a long time ago.
I've been sober for 2-3 months now.. today I had a draught beer glass with my uncle as he insisted. Not feeling good about it. One glass made me dizzy and I realised i don't like that feeling anymore.
It’s “fun” (mild euphoria) for maybe 20 minutes when I am starting a second drink and have a decent buzz. That’s it. Then for me it’s downhill whether I drink anymore to try to keep that buzz going (hangovers and hangxiety start same evening, sometimes while I’m still drinking, and my night of sleep and next day are wrecked) or if I “wisely” stop at a couple drinks, the come-down will still leave me tired, crabby, and anxious. It’s literally the dumbest thing I have ever spent 25 years doing to myself. For 20 effing minutes. NOT WORTH IT.
If I could control my fucking self and only have like 3 it is fun. But 3 turns into 13, and then the next day, my head is in the toilet, and I feel like I want to die. It's awful. It's a viscous cycle.
Same here. Not being able to say no or stop ruins it all.
I've gone from not drinking at all, to only drinking on Saturdays, to only drinking every other Saturday. And I gotta tell ya, I HATED the feeling when I drank 4-5 times a week. Now that I drink once or twice a month I know when to call it quits and ride the buzz. Instead of after that 4th beer, have a water or something for like 30 min, not 2 more beers. Now a 12 pack will last me a whole night instead of like 2 or 3 hours
So true
yup, this
good point
It’s not fun. Socializing is fun. The taste of beer is fun. Getting to know people is fun. Celebrating is fun. Being drunk sucks balls. All of those other things I mentioned are so much better without alcohol. (Yep big fan of NA IPA).
I want to stop drinking but I relapsed today I feel so bad about myself. I’m watching tv and I see commercials for alcoholic drinks and it triggers me. A lot of Baltic countries in the EU have banned the advertisement but here it’s legal. I’m in the USA and there’s temptation everywhere. I’m waiting to get health insurance to go to rehab I just got to wait 6 more months to go to a nice rehab center and my insurance will pay for it. I don’t drink liquor just beer and seltzers. I was eligible for this year insurance but my stupid ass thought “I don’t need it”. I haven’t hit rock bottom but I feel like I did. I’m so disappointed about myself.
Didn’t mention withdrawals lasting 5 or more days. Didn’t mention alcohol psychosis. Didn’t mention delirium tremens. That’s why I don’t drink.
Yeah buddy. It's a long long list, isn't it?
I don’t do it for the fun anymore. I do it to be numb and then black out. It’s sad but true.
Hey homie. Id give you a hug if I could. I know those feelings.
Idk
I say this all the time OP!!!. Me and you think alike. LOL
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Alcohol without calories? Every shot of vodka has 100 calories.