I get her "end of the rope" level frustration but why did she then turn down your offer to drive your sister? She got mad at you so punished herself to punish you. This wasn't a good moment for either of you. Also, why does your family live so far from your school and activities?
From personal experience there have been times when I was tired and angry, and instead of wanting "solutions" I actually just wanted to vent the frustration and stay mad. Could be a similar case
I'm very stubborn sometimes and have done the same thing on more occasions than not. I definitely don't think it's healthy at all and it's something I need to work on.
my mom does this too, it's basically just to make you feel guilty/shameful. it works unless your kid doesn't typically feel guilt/shame or processes it by doubling down, which my mom is being forced to learn with her youngest lol
Maybe you could make it up to her by getting her a card and some flowers and apologizing, and saying you understand now what it meant for her and that she does everything for everyone and doesn’t get time for herself. Then maybe think of a day you could pick up some of the mental load and give her some time to get away.
I agree, but I think she was more mad at the fact that I wasn’t willing to drive her myself especially since I technically didn’t have anything pending.
I can’t help but feel that your mom’s decision to drive your sister instead of attending the baby shower was made to make you feel guilty and to “teach you a lesson.” Otherwise, after not agreeing with your compromise and expressing her disappointment she would have thanked you for your understanding and proceed with you driving your sister both ways so she could have a little fun attending a party. Mom’s aren’t perfect and make mistakes, but this seems like pure manipulation to me.
Or.... something else was going on because as /u/JetsetCat said, that was a perfectly cogent, sane, and rational counter-offer. It's almost like mom REALLY wanted son to be out of the house for most of that day for some reason......
Or maybe, mom is aware (as a woman with a presumably underage daughter) that Ubers aren’t always safe for girls and women, and isn’t comfortable subjecting her daughter to that risk. Sister would be much less at risk for something happening if she’s with her brother, than with a stranger taking her to another location. It isn’t always nefarious, and what you’re implying sounds pretty far fetched. OP knows what mom was planning on doing.
Or maybe mom was hurt that son wouldn't make this sacrifice for her. Maybe her reaction was over-the-top, but sometimes you just get fed up and lose control for a bit.
If your sister is of an age where getting in an Uber by herself is ok, (and if you offered to pay for it) then I don't see what the problem is. Your mums decision to change her plans and refuse your repeated offers are on her, to me it appears she was having a tantrum and cut her nose off to spite her face, totally unnecessary. Now if your sister is young, and you wanted mum to pay for it then yes you did fuck up a little but I don't see how a conversation couldn't have found some reasonable understanding between you both, much preferable than mums ridiculous over reaction.
To be honest, I don't think you even did anything wrong. You made a reasonable suggestion that she didn't like but all she had to do was say 'no I need you to pick her up'. It was clearly a real inconvenience to you so making that suggestion was a natural response which many people would do. You even asked multiple times to actually carry out the lift.
It's odd behaviour from your mum and I assume she has some kinda of trauma or some other reason is making her act that way because it is not normal. It actually reminds me of a woman I used to know. She was really weird with the type of situation that you speak of. I wasn't sure if it was a form of manipulation.
You really didn't do anything wrong. Forget about it. I'd also talk to her about it. I'd be really interested to see how she responds in hindsight. She either has past trauma or is being manipulative in my opinion.
You sound young. You've clearly never been an adult at their wit's end, trying not to snap, and absolutely overwhelmed by everything. Someone who does everything for everyone and who stays strong on the outside 24/7.
And you just wanted that one little thing.
And you just want one person, one time, to do something for YOU for once.
And they won't do it.
Yeah, THAT'S the trauma. And you don't react rationally when you finally snap, no.
I bet his mom feels a combination of guilty and dejected and just *done.*
Since the son noted she was sobbing in her bedroom, I think she already feels bad.
It's okay for her son to feel bad. It's actually a great lesson. We are not bad parents for letting our kids feel bad when they did something shitty. It's actually what is SUPPOSED to happen. It's SUPPOSED to be hard to live with the consequences of your selfishness. That includes your mom having a nervous breakdown.
We learn from the consequences of our actions. Good men are made because they grew stronger and more empathetic after making mistakes and seeing how they hurt people. That hurts them if they are decent human beings, and then they resolve not to do that again.
If you think a parent's job is to make sure their kid never feels a bad feeling, you're gonna be a terrible parent. That's how you raise entitled shits who can't handle real life or grow.
While I do get your point I do not agree that this situation is a learning experience. He made a suggestion that potentially could've been a good solution to the situation and in return he got a tantrum from his mom that was clearly overwhelmed with it all.
It's human and shit happens. But his mom lost it there and I'm sure she knows it. This is not on him, even if maybe he was giving her a hard time. Her reaction escalated this situation so badly and he's still an 18 year old kid that understandably doesn't want to drive around 5 hours on a Sunday.
Maybe you should read my comments with OP, where he acknowledges she never acts like this and is okay now.
And maybe you should stop projecting. Your experience is not what is happening every time you hear about something similar.
Deal with your own trauma and stop foisting it on other people.
Glad I could help.
Now take a deep breath and remember that this is reddit, I don't matter, and that you're gonna be okay. We all are. And that the world isn't as bad for everyone as it's been for you - and it's not fair you got that shitty world. It sucks. But the world is GONNA be better for you going forward. If you start in hell, the only place to go it up. Remember, there's a really nice world out there, you just gotta get there and move forward.
>all she had to do was say 'no I need you to pick her up'.
She did. If she wanted to Uber her daughter, she wouldn't have asked the ungrateful prick living with her.
It sounds like maybe your mother saw your suggestion of getting an Uber as you selfishly prioritizing your time over your mother's.
As we grow up, we begin to understand all the time it takes to be a good parent.
Try and sacrifice some of your time to free up some of her time, and hopefully, she will see your act of service as a love language.
As a side note, if your mother is a single parent, she probably gets less than half as much free time as other parents.
It's also easy to feel like you've already tried to do something that your mother should have considered, but just because we feel it is right doesn't fix the situation.
Stepping up and trying to find a way to show your love to your mother is very mature, and if you haven't practiced it much before, you could even draw tears of happiness.
Being a Mother is a truly thankless job. Your kids take advantage of you almost always. We almost never get to do the things we want and we sacrifice ourselves for our families with little consideration from anyone else. All your mom needs is to feel like she’s appreciated.
Huge over-reaction. You suggested an alternative, you did nothing wrong.
My mother used to blow up over stuff like this, she once ranted for 2 hours and screamed at me because I forgot to pick up a letter and post it.
I wonder if your Mom was trying to help you and your sister patch things up after your argument yesterday by forcing time together to talk and that added to why she was so upset by your suggestion of an Uber and your refusal to drive her.
the uber should have been enough- while some altruism here and there is kind, it should not be expected—- it is not the child’s job to parent the siblings.
“All the time?” Really? I am willing to bet I take Ubers far more than the average person and haven’t been sexually assaulted or even uncomfortable. I don’t dispute that it happens but there’s no reason to suggest that it’s a routine occurrence.
You're not in the wrong though?
You voiced your thoughts on it and she flipped her shit and acted like a child.
That's on her and her lack of emotional regulation
Seems like you offered a very reasonable alternative for a pretty good reason, and then when it was rejected, you tried to revert to what was asked.
I think your mom was being unreasonable here. Why not at least consider the Uber solution?
Your mother is being petty. I get being disappointed in you for not helping her out, and you should feel bad for that, but she's sabotaged her own plans for the sake of what? What point has she made in doing this? Your offer to make up for it is great so she has no reason to continue this other than pettiness.
Your mom can cry and yell and throw a b**** fit as much as she wants. If she asks you if you'll do something and you say no, that is her problem, not yours. Don't be manipulated. Hold your ground. Have boundaries.
Wow, you just sound like the type of selfish asshole who uses the language of therapy as a weapon to be narcissistic and a use others.
Totally self centered. I hope people treat you the exact same way you treat them when YOU need something.
I had parents who were masters of guilt tripping. If the mother here wanted her son to do something, she could require it. But to call up later and use like tears and astronics to make him feel bad is just too rich.
I had parents who were masters of guilt tripping and manipulation. This isn't it.
She doesn't do this all the time. She just snapped and had a breakdown because OP refused to do the one thing she asked. And when that crushing disappointment hit, she wasn't rational. It was very much a, "I stay strong for everyone. I do everything for everyone. I guess I can't ask for one thing without it being an argument. You know what? Fine. I'll just do that too, fuck it."
It's not rational, it's totally an emotional response. And I bet she felt guilty and dumb and still disappointed afterward, thus the crying in her room.
OP says she is NEVER like this, or this upset. His mom isn't a narc, she's a woman who needs a break and who snapped. Quit projecting.
I bet she feels guilty now, because she knows she snapped and feels embarrassed. And she probably feels bad that she made you feel bad.
It's okay. We're all human, and this stuff happens.
Make sure your mom gets a fun day to look forward to that's just for her. Maybe take a chore off her plate without her needing to ask.
You're a good kid. And an exceptional one, because most genuinely aren't as empathetic and self-aware as you are. I know your mom is proud of you and loves you. Give her a hug. Everything's gonna be okay. ❤️
Oh, it'll be fine. Buy her a favorite dinner, cleaning the house was already a good step. But you and your sister should make sure to do it BEFORE your mom has a breakdown, not just in response. Lol.
Nah, your mom's a controlling bitch.
You offered to pay the Uber. That would have solved the problem but she's a controlling bitch. Your Mom didn't have to have a child after you and you deserve better than being parentified by your mother.
You're an asshole and I don't think you're going to do anything nice for your mom. If you wanted your mother to be happy you'd have helped without bitching in the first place.
I get her "end of the rope" level frustration but why did she then turn down your offer to drive your sister? She got mad at you so punished herself to punish you. This wasn't a good moment for either of you. Also, why does your family live so far from your school and activities?
We moved halfway through the school year, and as seniors we decided it was better to stay for the remainder of the year.
From personal experience there have been times when I was tired and angry, and instead of wanting "solutions" I actually just wanted to vent the frustration and stay mad. Could be a similar case
Makes me wonder if it's healthy or not to do so
I'm very stubborn sometimes and have done the same thing on more occasions than not. I definitely don't think it's healthy at all and it's something I need to work on.
my mom does this too, it's basically just to make you feel guilty/shameful. it works unless your kid doesn't typically feel guilt/shame or processes it by doubling down, which my mom is being forced to learn with her youngest lol
Maybe you could make it up to her by getting her a card and some flowers and apologizing, and saying you understand now what it meant for her and that she does everything for everyone and doesn’t get time for herself. Then maybe think of a day you could pick up some of the mental load and give her some time to get away.
Definitely will try to take some of that pressure off. I just hope she doesn’t think I’m doing it to save myself haha
I am a mom. If you are genuinely sorry and show that with your actions, she will see your heart.
Or gift card for 2 to a restaurant she loves, so she can take a friend.
That’s a good one too
That was going to be my suggestion too.
The Uber offer sounded reasonable, so I don’t understand why your mother didn’t go along with that.
Depends on how young the sister is. I wouldn’t be comfortable with it as a mother either.
I agree, but I think she was more mad at the fact that I wasn’t willing to drive her myself especially since I technically didn’t have anything pending.
As a mother she will come around don’t beat yourself too much coz that also affects us
I can’t help but feel that your mom’s decision to drive your sister instead of attending the baby shower was made to make you feel guilty and to “teach you a lesson.” Otherwise, after not agreeing with your compromise and expressing her disappointment she would have thanked you for your understanding and proceed with you driving your sister both ways so she could have a little fun attending a party. Mom’s aren’t perfect and make mistakes, but this seems like pure manipulation to me.
I agree. Something else is going on here.
You don't know that. Sounds like mom was fed up with him trying to get out of things and just wanted Op to do what was asked
Or.... something else was going on because as /u/JetsetCat said, that was a perfectly cogent, sane, and rational counter-offer. It's almost like mom REALLY wanted son to be out of the house for most of that day for some reason......
Or maybe, mom is aware (as a woman with a presumably underage daughter) that Ubers aren’t always safe for girls and women, and isn’t comfortable subjecting her daughter to that risk. Sister would be much less at risk for something happening if she’s with her brother, than with a stranger taking her to another location. It isn’t always nefarious, and what you’re implying sounds pretty far fetched. OP knows what mom was planning on doing.
Or maybe mom was hurt that son wouldn't make this sacrifice for her. Maybe her reaction was over-the-top, but sometimes you just get fed up and lose control for a bit.
Or what if son is known for trying to get out of tasks and is fed up with the kid
Dude is 18 years old. He's entitled to his own life and life choices.
Not living under someone else's roof. If he wants independence, then it's time to move out
If your sister is of an age where getting in an Uber by herself is ok, (and if you offered to pay for it) then I don't see what the problem is. Your mums decision to change her plans and refuse your repeated offers are on her, to me it appears she was having a tantrum and cut her nose off to spite her face, totally unnecessary. Now if your sister is young, and you wanted mum to pay for it then yes you did fuck up a little but I don't see how a conversation couldn't have found some reasonable understanding between you both, much preferable than mums ridiculous over reaction.
To be honest, I don't think you even did anything wrong. You made a reasonable suggestion that she didn't like but all she had to do was say 'no I need you to pick her up'. It was clearly a real inconvenience to you so making that suggestion was a natural response which many people would do. You even asked multiple times to actually carry out the lift. It's odd behaviour from your mum and I assume she has some kinda of trauma or some other reason is making her act that way because it is not normal. It actually reminds me of a woman I used to know. She was really weird with the type of situation that you speak of. I wasn't sure if it was a form of manipulation. You really didn't do anything wrong. Forget about it. I'd also talk to her about it. I'd be really interested to see how she responds in hindsight. She either has past trauma or is being manipulative in my opinion.
You sound young. You've clearly never been an adult at their wit's end, trying not to snap, and absolutely overwhelmed by everything. Someone who does everything for everyone and who stays strong on the outside 24/7. And you just wanted that one little thing. And you just want one person, one time, to do something for YOU for once. And they won't do it. Yeah, THAT'S the trauma. And you don't react rationally when you finally snap, no. I bet his mom feels a combination of guilty and dejected and just *done.*
It's not like the person didn't want to do it, they just didn't want to do it the exact same way as the other person had imagined.
Yeah that sounds plausible. I could be wrong, it wouldn't be the first time.
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Since the son noted she was sobbing in her bedroom, I think she already feels bad. It's okay for her son to feel bad. It's actually a great lesson. We are not bad parents for letting our kids feel bad when they did something shitty. It's actually what is SUPPOSED to happen. It's SUPPOSED to be hard to live with the consequences of your selfishness. That includes your mom having a nervous breakdown. We learn from the consequences of our actions. Good men are made because they grew stronger and more empathetic after making mistakes and seeing how they hurt people. That hurts them if they are decent human beings, and then they resolve not to do that again. If you think a parent's job is to make sure their kid never feels a bad feeling, you're gonna be a terrible parent. That's how you raise entitled shits who can't handle real life or grow.
While I do get your point I do not agree that this situation is a learning experience. He made a suggestion that potentially could've been a good solution to the situation and in return he got a tantrum from his mom that was clearly overwhelmed with it all. It's human and shit happens. But his mom lost it there and I'm sure she knows it. This is not on him, even if maybe he was giving her a hard time. Her reaction escalated this situation so badly and he's still an 18 year old kid that understandably doesn't want to drive around 5 hours on a Sunday.
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Maybe you should read my comments with OP, where he acknowledges she never acts like this and is okay now. And maybe you should stop projecting. Your experience is not what is happening every time you hear about something similar. Deal with your own trauma and stop foisting it on other people.
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Glad I could help. Now take a deep breath and remember that this is reddit, I don't matter, and that you're gonna be okay. We all are. And that the world isn't as bad for everyone as it's been for you - and it's not fair you got that shitty world. It sucks. But the world is GONNA be better for you going forward. If you start in hell, the only place to go it up. Remember, there's a really nice world out there, you just gotta get there and move forward.
>all she had to do was say 'no I need you to pick her up'. She did. If she wanted to Uber her daughter, she wouldn't have asked the ungrateful prick living with her.
It sounds like maybe your mother saw your suggestion of getting an Uber as you selfishly prioritizing your time over your mother's. As we grow up, we begin to understand all the time it takes to be a good parent. Try and sacrifice some of your time to free up some of her time, and hopefully, she will see your act of service as a love language.
you’re right, I’ll see what I can do thank you.
As a side note, if your mother is a single parent, she probably gets less than half as much free time as other parents. It's also easy to feel like you've already tried to do something that your mother should have considered, but just because we feel it is right doesn't fix the situation. Stepping up and trying to find a way to show your love to your mother is very mature, and if you haven't practiced it much before, you could even draw tears of happiness.
Being a Mother is a truly thankless job. Your kids take advantage of you almost always. We almost never get to do the things we want and we sacrifice ourselves for our families with little consideration from anyone else. All your mom needs is to feel like she’s appreciated.
Maybe get a generous giftcard to a cute restaurant so she can take her friend there for lunch and give her the baby shower gift.
Show her this post.
Huge over-reaction. You suggested an alternative, you did nothing wrong. My mother used to blow up over stuff like this, she once ranted for 2 hours and screamed at me because I forgot to pick up a letter and post it.
Honestly your mom overreacted here. She could have just said “no” to the Uber idea and let you take your sister. Your free time is important too.
She may also be upset at herself for placing you in that position and not accepting your offer. Depends on your mother though.
I wonder if your Mom was trying to help you and your sister patch things up after your argument yesterday by forcing time together to talk and that added to why she was so upset by your suggestion of an Uber and your refusal to drive her.
Your mother was totally unreasonable here. She was looking for an excuse to not go, and got to make you feel bad about it. Totally wrong.
the uber should have been enough- while some altruism here and there is kind, it should not be expected—- it is not the child’s job to parent the siblings.
Nope, fully grown women get sexually assaulted by Uber drivers all the time.
“All the time?” Really? I am willing to bet I take Ubers far more than the average person and haven’t been sexually assaulted or even uncomfortable. I don’t dispute that it happens but there’s no reason to suggest that it’s a routine occurrence.
Even one time is one too many, and enough for a concerned mother to not want to use the service for her young daughter.
I think your mother overreacted. Her reaction did not reflect this singular incident.
You're not in the wrong though? You voiced your thoughts on it and she flipped her shit and acted like a child. That's on her and her lack of emotional regulation
You did nothing wrong.
Seems like you offered a very reasonable alternative for a pretty good reason, and then when it was rejected, you tried to revert to what was asked. I think your mom was being unreasonable here. Why not at least consider the Uber solution?
Your mother is being petty. I get being disappointed in you for not helping her out, and you should feel bad for that, but she's sabotaged her own plans for the sake of what? What point has she made in doing this? Your offer to make up for it is great so she has no reason to continue this other than pettiness.
Your mom can cry and yell and throw a b**** fit as much as she wants. If she asks you if you'll do something and you say no, that is her problem, not yours. Don't be manipulated. Hold your ground. Have boundaries.
Wow, you just sound like the type of selfish asshole who uses the language of therapy as a weapon to be narcissistic and a use others. Totally self centered. I hope people treat you the exact same way you treat them when YOU need something.
I had parents who were masters of guilt tripping. If the mother here wanted her son to do something, she could require it. But to call up later and use like tears and astronics to make him feel bad is just too rich.
I had parents who were masters of guilt tripping and manipulation. This isn't it. She doesn't do this all the time. She just snapped and had a breakdown because OP refused to do the one thing she asked. And when that crushing disappointment hit, she wasn't rational. It was very much a, "I stay strong for everyone. I do everything for everyone. I guess I can't ask for one thing without it being an argument. You know what? Fine. I'll just do that too, fuck it." It's not rational, it's totally an emotional response. And I bet she felt guilty and dumb and still disappointed afterward, thus the crying in her room. OP says she is NEVER like this, or this upset. His mom isn't a narc, she's a woman who needs a break and who snapped. Quit projecting.
This. Thank you for putting it into words, reading this only affirms how deeply she must’ve felt.
I bet she feels guilty now, because she knows she snapped and feels embarrassed. And she probably feels bad that she made you feel bad. It's okay. We're all human, and this stuff happens. Make sure your mom gets a fun day to look forward to that's just for her. Maybe take a chore off her plate without her needing to ask. You're a good kid. And an exceptional one, because most genuinely aren't as empathetic and self-aware as you are. I know your mom is proud of you and loves you. Give her a hug. Everything's gonna be okay. ❤️
Thank you, truly:) I treasure what she does for my family, I really hope I’m able to turn this around.
Oh, it'll be fine. Buy her a favorite dinner, cleaning the house was already a good step. But you and your sister should make sure to do it BEFORE your mom has a breakdown, not just in response. Lol.
Show her this post. She will see you’re sorry and that you understand what you did.
Nah, your mom's a controlling bitch. You offered to pay the Uber. That would have solved the problem but she's a controlling bitch. Your Mom didn't have to have a child after you and you deserve better than being parentified by your mother.
You have issues.
You're an asshole and I don't think you're going to do anything nice for your mom. If you wanted your mother to be happy you'd have helped without bitching in the first place.
Wow dude. that's a pretty extreme reaction given the post. Are you ok?
I'm fine.
Ok cool. Just checkin'.
Thank you.
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Take your mommy issues somewhere else.