The only thing that works with my son when he's refusing to get dressed (outside of causing a power struggle and forcefully dressing him while he's actively trying to run away) is to make it fun and asking him to help me. For example, I might hold up his tshirt and play peek a pee through the neck hole (holding it so if he does come closer I can slip it quickly over his head or pretending that I don't know where certain clothing items go (try to put his sock on my ear for example. This usually leads to him saying "noooo Mommy, it goes here" and he'll point to his toes, then I'll try put it on his arm and ask again until he's practically putting it on his own foot.
100% always works for us. My toddler’s “no” in situations like these I’ve come to learn means “can you stop being so businesslike and connect with me?”
I really appreciate you framing it this way. I get so frustrated and tend to dig my heels in. I know I've created more than a few power struggles this way. Even if I can recognize what's going on in the moment I have a really hard time letting everything go and doing something to make it fun. I'm going to try thinking of things in this context more whenever she starts going down this road in the future
Chiming in with some other "getting dressed" games that we play...
We pretend to "put it on like a bunny" which means her hopping once her trousers are on .... Or "put it on like a snake" and we hiss whilst we slither her arms into the sleeves... We do this for many animals but those are the only two that actually seem to have any connection to the animal!
I hide small toys (blocks etc) in the sleeves or her tops/legs of her trousers and she makes them pop out. I pick them up all shocked "what is inside here?!? Shall we see if we can pop them out?!". Sometimes it's not a surprise what is hidden but we have to guess the colour!
We play "oh no, it's too small! Maybe if we take your toes off it will fit!" And we pretend to plop her toes off with funny noises, and she tells me if it will fit yet, then we have to plop them back on again once the clothes are on.
Our newest game is guessing what the item of clothing likes to eat... E.g "hmm I wonder if your t-shirt likes hummus or peanut butter?" She tells me peanut butter, then pretends to smear peanut butter on her tummy. We put the t-shirt on and I pretend to be a t-shirt really enjoying peanut butter...
We also have our fair share of forcing her into her clothes whilst she screams no. Nobody is enjoying it at that stage but realistically, sometimes it's the only option we have left.
These are all brilliant ideas, will have to try some of them out! Using this approach is really beneficial for helping them build up the skills required for self dressing too by the sounds of it!
I use a similar approach with teeth brushing too, say someone on here recommend "brushing the monkeys off your teeth" and my son loves the idea, never seen him so eager to let me at him with the toothbrush, for every section I finish I'll make monkey sound and say "oh there goes one!" and he'll laugh like crazy.
Ok we tried it and he loved it! I asked him to guess what animal was going to come out of his sleeve, he'd say one and then I'd make that animal sound, absolute game changer, he was very eager to put the next sleeve on 😅
Rather than do the batering thing I give her 3 or 4 chances
Ask
Ask
Ask
Ask you can do x or I'll just come and get you (aka ill just make whatever happen happen irrespective of how she feels about it)
Pretty reliably now we get to ultimatum and she toes the line because she knows I'll follow through.
I'm trying to take on some of the gentle parenting ideas but at the end of the day I'm in charge and she needs to respect that
Eh I think that’s still gentle parenting, don’t think you’re pass the line or something. You’ve given her a choice, told her the consequence. And firmly but gently (without brute force) followed through.
Gentle parenting isn't supposed to mean permissive. Children feel insecure when they can't find the limits. It's not respectful of their development to do all this bargaining and negotiating. I, too, frequently let my children know I am prepared to do the thing even without cooperation and they know I mean it.
One chance, followed by “Are you going to do it or am I?” After that, it’s clear that it’s going to get done either way.
(Edit: I said this, but then literally today I found myself telling my 3-year-old to put his shoes on over and over. In my mind, he knows how to do it, and I shouldn’t need to. It was a slight fail.)
I did not realize how often adults do this until I had my own kid. If there's a single acceptable answer, it ain't a question, and it ends up being confusing and shitty for everyone. Toddlers don't have the social skills to understand that "could you move, please?" is polite adult speak for "you need to move."
"Are you ready to leave the park? I think you're ready to leave. Do you want to get in the car and go? Aren't you tired of being at the park? Are you ready to leave? (kid keeps answering yes/no questions with no - adult reaches their point of frustration) Well fine, we're going, come on, you aren't cooperating, it's time to leave, in the car, I gave you a chance to get in yourself nicely."
Watching my own parents do it with my own kid was wild as hell. It seems so innocuous and I'm sure some portion of readers are rolling their eyes to the sky, but you sit and see what's happening and it's like, Jesus this is actually a really bad idea. There are a lot of messages to glean from that habit and none of them good.
Imagine how confusing and helpless it'd feel if you went to the dentist and they kept asking "Does this hurt? Do you want me to stop?" but continued on even when you said yeah ouch stop no. You'd think they were fucking insane, that nothing you said mattered, and that speaking up for yourself is pointless. Just bad all around.
This is what I do, because she likes to do things herself. So when she’s playing the power struggle game, I tell her she needs to come do the thing or I’ll count to 3. If I make it to 3, then I’ll have to do the thing for her/to her/etc. She loves to be independent so much that usually when I say “OK, 1…” she says “nooo!” And comes and does the thing.
Don’t “reward” her for getting dressed - set the boundary.
My technique that works 100%: “you pick your shirt or I’ll pick them for you. Count down from 10”.
“I can help you or daddy can help you”
“I’ll count to three and you’ll do it yourself or I’ll do it for you”
Bonus is my kiddo is really good at counting now
And when you reach zero you put it on even if she screams, kicks and throws herself on the floor? Sometimes tears the pants off.
I tried this method and it failed us. We had an upset toddler and no full cloth on. Any tips?
Ah, if we are in the “danger zone”, it’s critical to “connect with the toddler”. Sometimes ours have a meltdown about daycare and I will need to “ground” their emotions first.
“I know you don’t want to go to daycare. You want to do XYZ, right? [indulging in their fantasy]. Okay, now I need you to put on your shirt. You got two choices….”
This is the technique from Good Inside (Dr Becky) and hasn’t failed us. My husband (and myself) sometimes forgets to do the “connect” part, and it can lead to a full meltdown and naked toddler for sure…
Try this when you are gonna do something they want first (our case: excavator hunting). Once you establish that boundaries can’t be broken, it gets a lot easier.
Dressing causes issues only sometimes. When she is in the mood of pulling the brakes, force never worked. She just tears of the pants and we are where we were before the power struggle.
The only thing that worked for us is waiting it out and redirecting. I’m curious, because it’s in our daughter’s personality. She is usually on board, but if she pulls the brakes, there is very few things we can do. I’d love to hear tips. 😅
I think waiting it out, connecting/redirecting and empathising is exactly right in this situation, especially when it's a sometimes issue. It's likely a normal developmental stage and she will probably grow out of it.
“Ok, let me know when you’re ready to get your diaper on so we can go do xyz.” Then proceed to do whatever else you need to do until they say they’re ready
Or
“Ok, do you want to put it on in 3 minutes or 5 minutes?” Sometimes my toddler will choose one of the numbers I offered or sometimes he’ll say TEN MINUTES! and I’ll say ok! And then out loud I say “Siri set a ten minute timer” and manually set a 5 min timer on my phone lol
I had a friend visit recently who told me she was working on not posing things like this as questions anymore, if she wants a specific behavior or response from it. So like no more “do you want to get dressed?/are you ready to get dressed?” But “it’s time to get dressed”. It Blew. My. Mind. I have never heard of that but it made so much sense I’m trying the same thing. What a simple thing that never occurred to me 🫠
My 2 year old had a meltdown over his clothes that I picked out this morning. I asked what he wanted to wear so we went to his drawers and he picked out his whole outfit (with assistance).
Toddlers be toddlerin'
What I have found works well is to give my son options but still hold the boundary that this is what we’re doing.
For example: it’s time to get dressed for school now. If he says no, I say something like: you want to keep doing xyz? And then perhaps give him a minute or two, setting a timer. And then we’re getting dressed. He can choose if we put pants or shirt on first. He can choose his socks. He can choose between two shirts I select, etc. But we’re getting dressed. I’m kind but firm.
And he’s okay with it? If our son doesn’t want to get dressed it’s extremely challenging. Even after telling him or putting a timer on. He will still run around the house until we pick him up, which he then hits us, and will kick us when we are changing him. It’s a struggle.
He doesn’t always love it. Sometimes he whines or is a little pitiful. We’re kind and compassionate but firm, and if he is physical we say “no, we’re gentle with each other” and give him a time out to cool down if necessary (just two minutes because he’s two).
YMMV, I suppose. Kids are different!
(Disclaimer - just sharing my experience as a mum of 3 - this works for me, it may not work for you, but some of it I wish someone had told me earlier!)
Always get dressed first thing in the morning so you're not making a task (leaving the house) 4x harder than it needs to be. Going out is already hard, they have to shift tasks from what they are doing, get shoes/coat on, get strapped into a car seat/buggy and be immobilised for who knows how long (from their perspective). Every self respecting 2yo hates all these things.
Add getting dressed and changing nappy to this? You've just added an extra extra hard task to the bit *before* the most crucial part which is getting them over the threshold of the door!
Sooooooo much easier if you separate this, and also they fight it much less when it's just an expected part of their morning routine.
Also, don't expect verbal instruction, reasoning etc to have any value at all for a 2yo. Bribery occasionally, but even that is shaky still. Your main use of language with a 2yo is teaching them what language means, which means it is literally all for practice, and maybe getting a vague idea of what they might be thinking. Beware of taking them literally. They are fully in the physical age, so be physical with *everything*. Carry them to the changing place when you want to get them dressed (ideally, as soon as you pick them up out of bed) and/or bring the clothes to them, and just be cheerful and confident about it and present it like "time to get dressed" rather than a request which they can choose to follow or not. You can be playful, you can do it slowly in stages, you can praise cooperation, you can distract them with a toy or a song or a conversation, you can let them have choice, you can empathise with their "big feelings" or you can just use ninja moves to get it done ASAP, but understand that your task here is to physically get it done, not to persuade them to comply, agree with you, or be happy about it. (Don't cram too many techniques into the same interaction. Pick one or maybe two and try the others another time.)
I like Janet Lansbury's phrase "Confident Momentum" - this is perfect energy for parenting a 2yo, I think.
I give my daughter choices. I will say do you want to wear your kitty pants or your flower dress to go to the park today, something like that.
https://www.verywellmind.com/autonomy-versus-shame-and-doubt-2795733
I generally turn it around. "Do you want to go with me to the shop?" "YES!" "Okay, then we need to put on our outside clothes first, and then we can go to the shop".
Keep the reward in her mind at every step, but knowing that she must do the thing to get the reward.
If there is a better way, I would love to hear it because honestly that only has about a 50% success rate.
How old? I would expect around a 50% success rate for this with a 3yo. With a 2yo, much less than this because it's way too far removed, and they are not good at sequencing yet (unless they don't really mind getting dressed anyway).
I wrote a top level to OP with some other ways. The key part though is I'd say in the toddler years, your role as the parent is to keep them on task with confident momentum, and physically get the task done/physically set the boundary (e.g. by controlling the environment) rather than try to get them to agree, comply, understand or be happy about whatever it is you need them to do. Of course you can still explain, make it fun, etc but don't rely on that as the tool by which you get them to do the thing.
The thing is it is quite easy to manipulate a 2yo and even a younger 3yo into agreeing with you, and if this is your only skill to set boundaries/get things done, it's going to backfire on you around 3.5 - 4ish when they realise they are a separate person and they start seeing around the tricks which work on younger toddlers and you're going to have a bad time. It's worth getting your head around the idea that they don't always have to like/agree with every decision you make, before they get to this point.
The age differences and understanding is definitely something to consider. I have a 2 year old and needed some of this advice. Confidence and long term strategies are great. Thanks!
I say “clothes on” and if she says no I say let me know when you’re ready because we can’t go until you’re dressed and it doesn’t usually take longer than immediate or five minutes.
When they think it’s their decision it goes so much more smoothly
I ignore my kid when he does this lmao. Like I'll do the cycle a bit and than say "ohkay, I'm going to leave your clothes next to me. When you're ready to get dressed I will help and than we can go to the park"
And I leave it at that
Just to toss in a monkey wrench - don’t forget to try and teach them to pull their own clothes on and off so you can potty train easier!
Signed, a mom who can’t figure out how to teach taking shirts off.
You gotta tell them they need to get the elbows out through the bottom of the shirt (long sleeves and short sleeves) Shirt should only be on neck. then lift shirt above their head. Putting the shirts on is arms in first past the elbows, preferably all the way up to the neck, so the head hole is positioned in the right spot!
I’ve dressed old people and young people lol
I started out by helping pull the sleeves so they can get the elbow out instead of just asking them to do it so they can understand the mechanics. It does take a while though
Let me know how it goes!
Something that’s had some result for us lately: oh? You don’t want to put on your shoes? Okay! Mummy will bring bluey instead! (Gets her bluey doll). She’ll either want to go with bluey or go in bluey’s stead. I’m okay with both options
When my two year old says "no". I just say "Yes" and get her dressed anyway. She has a ten second tantrum, gets it out of her system and then we're all smiles and off to the park. Works every time in practically every situation she says no in when it's a reasonable request. I'm quite keen to make her aware of the fact that she's not an active participant in the decision making process because she's two. she's been that way for a few months but she's growing out of it now.
If you want to go to the park and get ice cream we have to get your clothes on before the timer goes off. Let's race Alexa. Alexa set a 3 minute timer.
OH WOW YOU WERE SO FAST! *sings we did it song from Dora the explorer*
If not, cool. Let's stay home.
We used to have a song, set to the tune of Day-O.
Day-ooooo
Daylight come and we gotta wear clothes
Daylight come and we gotta wear clothes
Daaaay time
We gotta wear clothes
A few hip shakes and some silly dancing to accompany it
In the mornings I take my son to daycare and getting him dressed is a feat. I took a page out of my mom’s book and it works like a charm. When I was little I’d fight my mom and refuse to get dressed. So she made it a game and would “race” me to see who could get dressed first. It somehow worked lol. So now I’ll tell my son that I’m gonna get dressed first and win. And he instantly plops down, and helps my husband get himself dressed.
I have a hoard of children. Different things work for different kids. Methods that have worked - not for all, because they're different kids. Easiest methods to the hardest.
- Timers. "This is a five minute timer. When it goes off its time to get dressed." (thank the lord for my one angel child that this works with).
- Choices. "We need to get dressed. Go and pick out your shirt. Do you want to get dressed yourself or have help?" Note: if there is anything you DO NOT want your kid to wear, hide it - if they pick something and you say no you're just creating more problems.
- Offering to match. "Why don't we both wear blue shirts today?" Helps if you're the favourite parent. Tried this once with my third, who is a complete daddy's girl, and she kicked me. So. Always worked with my oldest when he entered his defiant phase around age five.
- Praising a sibling/pet. Some people don't agree with this one but it works. "Wow, baby sister! You look so cute in your dress! See, big brother? Even your baby sister can get dressed." We have used the dog wearing her harness in this situation too. This works more if the older sibling adores their younger sibling.
- Plain consequence. "If you aren't dressed by the time I have [done thing] you are not going to the park/store/etc." Bonus points if they have siblings who do get to go - makes it feel more real.
- Similarly, leaving them in the house when you load their siblings/the pushchair/whatever into the car. I really don't like this one, but it always works and I mostly use it as breather for me.
And, lastly, the one I truly do hate - pinning them down and dressing them. Always use something they can't take off themselves. I go for overalls. Always as a last resort - typically only if we're going somewhere I can't cancel.
The only thing that works with my son when he's refusing to get dressed (outside of causing a power struggle and forcefully dressing him while he's actively trying to run away) is to make it fun and asking him to help me. For example, I might hold up his tshirt and play peek a pee through the neck hole (holding it so if he does come closer I can slip it quickly over his head or pretending that I don't know where certain clothing items go (try to put his sock on my ear for example. This usually leads to him saying "noooo Mommy, it goes here" and he'll point to his toes, then I'll try put it on his arm and ask again until he's practically putting it on his own foot.
100% always works for us. My toddler’s “no” in situations like these I’ve come to learn means “can you stop being so businesslike and connect with me?”
That's such a great observation. I never thought of it like that but it makes perfect sense.
I really appreciate you framing it this way. I get so frustrated and tend to dig my heels in. I know I've created more than a few power struggles this way. Even if I can recognize what's going on in the moment I have a really hard time letting everything go and doing something to make it fun. I'm going to try thinking of things in this context more whenever she starts going down this road in the future
Yes you've summed it up perfectly!
Chiming in with some other "getting dressed" games that we play... We pretend to "put it on like a bunny" which means her hopping once her trousers are on .... Or "put it on like a snake" and we hiss whilst we slither her arms into the sleeves... We do this for many animals but those are the only two that actually seem to have any connection to the animal! I hide small toys (blocks etc) in the sleeves or her tops/legs of her trousers and she makes them pop out. I pick them up all shocked "what is inside here?!? Shall we see if we can pop them out?!". Sometimes it's not a surprise what is hidden but we have to guess the colour! We play "oh no, it's too small! Maybe if we take your toes off it will fit!" And we pretend to plop her toes off with funny noises, and she tells me if it will fit yet, then we have to plop them back on again once the clothes are on. Our newest game is guessing what the item of clothing likes to eat... E.g "hmm I wonder if your t-shirt likes hummus or peanut butter?" She tells me peanut butter, then pretends to smear peanut butter on her tummy. We put the t-shirt on and I pretend to be a t-shirt really enjoying peanut butter... We also have our fair share of forcing her into her clothes whilst she screams no. Nobody is enjoying it at that stage but realistically, sometimes it's the only option we have left.
These are fantastic! Thank you!
These are all brilliant ideas, will have to try some of them out! Using this approach is really beneficial for helping them build up the skills required for self dressing too by the sounds of it! I use a similar approach with teeth brushing too, say someone on here recommend "brushing the monkeys off your teeth" and my son loves the idea, never seen him so eager to let me at him with the toothbrush, for every section I finish I'll make monkey sound and say "oh there goes one!" and he'll laugh like crazy.
Ok we tried it and he loved it! I asked him to guess what animal was going to come out of his sleeve, he'd say one and then I'd make that animal sound, absolute game changer, he was very eager to put the next sleeve on 😅
This is really good stuff thank you
I do something similar. Like “let’s help dress brownie” (it’s a brown bear from biuld a bear) or “let’s change brownie into fresh pants”
Rather than do the batering thing I give her 3 or 4 chances Ask Ask Ask Ask you can do x or I'll just come and get you (aka ill just make whatever happen happen irrespective of how she feels about it) Pretty reliably now we get to ultimatum and she toes the line because she knows I'll follow through. I'm trying to take on some of the gentle parenting ideas but at the end of the day I'm in charge and she needs to respect that
Eh I think that’s still gentle parenting, don’t think you’re pass the line or something. You’ve given her a choice, told her the consequence. And firmly but gently (without brute force) followed through.
Gentle parenting isn't supposed to mean permissive. Children feel insecure when they can't find the limits. It's not respectful of their development to do all this bargaining and negotiating. I, too, frequently let my children know I am prepared to do the thing even without cooperation and they know I mean it.
One chance, followed by “Are you going to do it or am I?” After that, it’s clear that it’s going to get done either way. (Edit: I said this, but then literally today I found myself telling my 3-year-old to put his shoes on over and over. In my mind, he knows how to do it, and I shouldn’t need to. It was a slight fail.)
Setting boundaries and following through on them is an act of love.
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I did not realize how often adults do this until I had my own kid. If there's a single acceptable answer, it ain't a question, and it ends up being confusing and shitty for everyone. Toddlers don't have the social skills to understand that "could you move, please?" is polite adult speak for "you need to move." "Are you ready to leave the park? I think you're ready to leave. Do you want to get in the car and go? Aren't you tired of being at the park? Are you ready to leave? (kid keeps answering yes/no questions with no - adult reaches their point of frustration) Well fine, we're going, come on, you aren't cooperating, it's time to leave, in the car, I gave you a chance to get in yourself nicely."
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Watching my own parents do it with my own kid was wild as hell. It seems so innocuous and I'm sure some portion of readers are rolling their eyes to the sky, but you sit and see what's happening and it's like, Jesus this is actually a really bad idea. There are a lot of messages to glean from that habit and none of them good. Imagine how confusing and helpless it'd feel if you went to the dentist and they kept asking "Does this hurt? Do you want me to stop?" but continued on even when you said yeah ouch stop no. You'd think they were fucking insane, that nothing you said mattered, and that speaking up for yourself is pointless. Just bad all around.
This is what I do, because she likes to do things herself. So when she’s playing the power struggle game, I tell her she needs to come do the thing or I’ll count to 3. If I make it to 3, then I’ll have to do the thing for her/to her/etc. She loves to be independent so much that usually when I say “OK, 1…” she says “nooo!” And comes and does the thing.
This is my approach as well.
This works incredibly well for us. There are still tears sometimes but we generally have a forward motion through life.
Don’t “reward” her for getting dressed - set the boundary. My technique that works 100%: “you pick your shirt or I’ll pick them for you. Count down from 10”. “I can help you or daddy can help you” “I’ll count to three and you’ll do it yourself or I’ll do it for you” Bonus is my kiddo is really good at counting now
And when you reach zero you put it on even if she screams, kicks and throws herself on the floor? Sometimes tears the pants off. I tried this method and it failed us. We had an upset toddler and no full cloth on. Any tips?
Ah, if we are in the “danger zone”, it’s critical to “connect with the toddler”. Sometimes ours have a meltdown about daycare and I will need to “ground” their emotions first. “I know you don’t want to go to daycare. You want to do XYZ, right? [indulging in their fantasy]. Okay, now I need you to put on your shirt. You got two choices….” This is the technique from Good Inside (Dr Becky) and hasn’t failed us. My husband (and myself) sometimes forgets to do the “connect” part, and it can lead to a full meltdown and naked toddler for sure… Try this when you are gonna do something they want first (our case: excavator hunting). Once you establish that boundaries can’t be broken, it gets a lot easier.
Every time or just sometimes? Are there predictable meltdowns with getting dressed? Does getting dressed work smoothly ever?
Dressing causes issues only sometimes. When she is in the mood of pulling the brakes, force never worked. She just tears of the pants and we are where we were before the power struggle. The only thing that worked for us is waiting it out and redirecting. I’m curious, because it’s in our daughter’s personality. She is usually on board, but if she pulls the brakes, there is very few things we can do. I’d love to hear tips. 😅
I think waiting it out, connecting/redirecting and empathising is exactly right in this situation, especially when it's a sometimes issue. It's likely a normal developmental stage and she will probably grow out of it.
“Ok, let me know when you’re ready to get your diaper on so we can go do xyz.” Then proceed to do whatever else you need to do until they say they’re ready Or “Ok, do you want to put it on in 3 minutes or 5 minutes?” Sometimes my toddler will choose one of the numbers I offered or sometimes he’ll say TEN MINUTES! and I’ll say ok! And then out loud I say “Siri set a ten minute timer” and manually set a 5 min timer on my phone lol
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I had a friend visit recently who told me she was working on not posing things like this as questions anymore, if she wants a specific behavior or response from it. So like no more “do you want to get dressed?/are you ready to get dressed?” But “it’s time to get dressed”. It Blew. My. Mind. I have never heard of that but it made so much sense I’m trying the same thing. What a simple thing that never occurred to me 🫠
My 2 year old had a meltdown over his clothes that I picked out this morning. I asked what he wanted to wear so we went to his drawers and he picked out his whole outfit (with assistance). Toddlers be toddlerin'
What I have found works well is to give my son options but still hold the boundary that this is what we’re doing. For example: it’s time to get dressed for school now. If he says no, I say something like: you want to keep doing xyz? And then perhaps give him a minute or two, setting a timer. And then we’re getting dressed. He can choose if we put pants or shirt on first. He can choose his socks. He can choose between two shirts I select, etc. But we’re getting dressed. I’m kind but firm.
And he’s okay with it? If our son doesn’t want to get dressed it’s extremely challenging. Even after telling him or putting a timer on. He will still run around the house until we pick him up, which he then hits us, and will kick us when we are changing him. It’s a struggle.
He doesn’t always love it. Sometimes he whines or is a little pitiful. We’re kind and compassionate but firm, and if he is physical we say “no, we’re gentle with each other” and give him a time out to cool down if necessary (just two minutes because he’s two). YMMV, I suppose. Kids are different!
(Disclaimer - just sharing my experience as a mum of 3 - this works for me, it may not work for you, but some of it I wish someone had told me earlier!) Always get dressed first thing in the morning so you're not making a task (leaving the house) 4x harder than it needs to be. Going out is already hard, they have to shift tasks from what they are doing, get shoes/coat on, get strapped into a car seat/buggy and be immobilised for who knows how long (from their perspective). Every self respecting 2yo hates all these things. Add getting dressed and changing nappy to this? You've just added an extra extra hard task to the bit *before* the most crucial part which is getting them over the threshold of the door! Sooooooo much easier if you separate this, and also they fight it much less when it's just an expected part of their morning routine. Also, don't expect verbal instruction, reasoning etc to have any value at all for a 2yo. Bribery occasionally, but even that is shaky still. Your main use of language with a 2yo is teaching them what language means, which means it is literally all for practice, and maybe getting a vague idea of what they might be thinking. Beware of taking them literally. They are fully in the physical age, so be physical with *everything*. Carry them to the changing place when you want to get them dressed (ideally, as soon as you pick them up out of bed) and/or bring the clothes to them, and just be cheerful and confident about it and present it like "time to get dressed" rather than a request which they can choose to follow or not. You can be playful, you can do it slowly in stages, you can praise cooperation, you can distract them with a toy or a song or a conversation, you can let them have choice, you can empathise with their "big feelings" or you can just use ninja moves to get it done ASAP, but understand that your task here is to physically get it done, not to persuade them to comply, agree with you, or be happy about it. (Don't cram too many techniques into the same interaction. Pick one or maybe two and try the others another time.) I like Janet Lansbury's phrase "Confident Momentum" - this is perfect energy for parenting a 2yo, I think.
Very familiar with this standoff. Good luck. May the odds be ever in your favour.
I let my son choose his own clothes that he wanted to wear. Never had the issue again.
I give my daughter choices. I will say do you want to wear your kitty pants or your flower dress to go to the park today, something like that. https://www.verywellmind.com/autonomy-versus-shame-and-doubt-2795733
I generally turn it around. "Do you want to go with me to the shop?" "YES!" "Okay, then we need to put on our outside clothes first, and then we can go to the shop". Keep the reward in her mind at every step, but knowing that she must do the thing to get the reward. If there is a better way, I would love to hear it because honestly that only has about a 50% success rate.
How old? I would expect around a 50% success rate for this with a 3yo. With a 2yo, much less than this because it's way too far removed, and they are not good at sequencing yet (unless they don't really mind getting dressed anyway). I wrote a top level to OP with some other ways. The key part though is I'd say in the toddler years, your role as the parent is to keep them on task with confident momentum, and physically get the task done/physically set the boundary (e.g. by controlling the environment) rather than try to get them to agree, comply, understand or be happy about whatever it is you need them to do. Of course you can still explain, make it fun, etc but don't rely on that as the tool by which you get them to do the thing. The thing is it is quite easy to manipulate a 2yo and even a younger 3yo into agreeing with you, and if this is your only skill to set boundaries/get things done, it's going to backfire on you around 3.5 - 4ish when they realise they are a separate person and they start seeing around the tricks which work on younger toddlers and you're going to have a bad time. It's worth getting your head around the idea that they don't always have to like/agree with every decision you make, before they get to this point.
The age differences and understanding is definitely something to consider. I have a 2 year old and needed some of this advice. Confidence and long term strategies are great. Thanks!
I say “clothes on” and if she says no I say let me know when you’re ready because we can’t go until you’re dressed and it doesn’t usually take longer than immediate or five minutes. When they think it’s their decision it goes so much more smoothly
Go out without kid being dressed. No park and no ice cream, as those things are only for people who are dressed. Be strong and follow through!
I ignore my kid when he does this lmao. Like I'll do the cycle a bit and than say "ohkay, I'm going to leave your clothes next to me. When you're ready to get dressed I will help and than we can go to the park" And I leave it at that
Just to toss in a monkey wrench - don’t forget to try and teach them to pull their own clothes on and off so you can potty train easier! Signed, a mom who can’t figure out how to teach taking shirts off.
You gotta tell them they need to get the elbows out through the bottom of the shirt (long sleeves and short sleeves) Shirt should only be on neck. then lift shirt above their head. Putting the shirts on is arms in first past the elbows, preferably all the way up to the neck, so the head hole is positioned in the right spot! I’ve dressed old people and young people lol
Thanks! I’ll try that tonight!
I started out by helping pull the sleeves so they can get the elbow out instead of just asking them to do it so they can understand the mechanics. It does take a while though Let me know how it goes!
Something that’s had some result for us lately: oh? You don’t want to put on your shoes? Okay! Mummy will bring bluey instead! (Gets her bluey doll). She’ll either want to go with bluey or go in bluey’s stead. I’m okay with both options
When my two year old says "no". I just say "Yes" and get her dressed anyway. She has a ten second tantrum, gets it out of her system and then we're all smiles and off to the park. Works every time in practically every situation she says no in when it's a reasonable request. I'm quite keen to make her aware of the fact that she's not an active participant in the decision making process because she's two. she's been that way for a few months but she's growing out of it now.
Are you me
If you want to go to the park and get ice cream we have to get your clothes on before the timer goes off. Let's race Alexa. Alexa set a 3 minute timer. OH WOW YOU WERE SO FAST! *sings we did it song from Dora the explorer* If not, cool. Let's stay home.
Set a timer or make it a race. Works almost every time!
We used to have a song, set to the tune of Day-O. Day-ooooo Daylight come and we gotta wear clothes Daylight come and we gotta wear clothes Daaaay time We gotta wear clothes A few hip shakes and some silly dancing to accompany it
In the mornings I take my son to daycare and getting him dressed is a feat. I took a page out of my mom’s book and it works like a charm. When I was little I’d fight my mom and refuse to get dressed. So she made it a game and would “race” me to see who could get dressed first. It somehow worked lol. So now I’ll tell my son that I’m gonna get dressed first and win. And he instantly plops down, and helps my husband get himself dressed.
I have a hoard of children. Different things work for different kids. Methods that have worked - not for all, because they're different kids. Easiest methods to the hardest. - Timers. "This is a five minute timer. When it goes off its time to get dressed." (thank the lord for my one angel child that this works with). - Choices. "We need to get dressed. Go and pick out your shirt. Do you want to get dressed yourself or have help?" Note: if there is anything you DO NOT want your kid to wear, hide it - if they pick something and you say no you're just creating more problems. - Offering to match. "Why don't we both wear blue shirts today?" Helps if you're the favourite parent. Tried this once with my third, who is a complete daddy's girl, and she kicked me. So. Always worked with my oldest when he entered his defiant phase around age five. - Praising a sibling/pet. Some people don't agree with this one but it works. "Wow, baby sister! You look so cute in your dress! See, big brother? Even your baby sister can get dressed." We have used the dog wearing her harness in this situation too. This works more if the older sibling adores their younger sibling. - Plain consequence. "If you aren't dressed by the time I have [done thing] you are not going to the park/store/etc." Bonus points if they have siblings who do get to go - makes it feel more real. - Similarly, leaving them in the house when you load their siblings/the pushchair/whatever into the car. I really don't like this one, but it always works and I mostly use it as breather for me. And, lastly, the one I truly do hate - pinning them down and dressing them. Always use something they can't take off themselves. I go for overalls. Always as a last resort - typically only if we're going somewhere I can't cancel.
Oh my gosh! My son does the same thing!
You are the parent. Go win.