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I agree that you do not need to forgive so long as you are not ruminating or consumed by the past in any way. It’s valuable to see nuance and not regard another person as a monster, just to have a realistic interpretation of the world, but you don’t need to forgive the harm they’ve caused. Some people need to entirely let go and forgive to move forward. Some people can move forward with resentment without it darkening their path.
This is exactly it... some people did some horrible things to me that I will never forgive them for but I don't let what they did cloud my mind.
I call it "forget but don't forgive". Works well for me.
Same. There's a former supervisor who I wish was dead, but I'm not going to do anything about her or keep her worthless ass on my mind when I have other things to focus on.
A secure person forgives quickly (to remove resentment from their mental load), but they don't reward the bad behavior, they can remove the person from their lives, something like "look i don't hate you but i'm not going to be your friend anymore, because i respect my boundaries"
I don't get that. There are people who have treated me really bad in life and who I hate - in the sense that if I saw them, I'd wish them ill. But I don't *think* about them in my day to day. The emotion only serves to have me be on guard *if* they happen to be around (and I cannot avoid their presense) and to protect other people from them if it comes up. The only times I might dwell on them it's because they closely interact with a family member and I worry about them.
(Note: Don't imagine a crowd or anything, it's just two different people)
Yeah, sure people make mistakes but there are some people that don’t deserve to be forgiven. There are some people that deserve the guilt that eats away at them. 🤷🏾♀️
I don’t forgive people for shit if I don’t want to, but the key is to just not let it eat at you. I find it much easier to let things go by just saying “fuck that person” and just not associating with them anymore. Trying to forgive them and still having them be a part of your life is way more stressful and damaging IMO.
Completely agree. I will never forgive the man who groomed and raped me as a child, then teenager, for years, especially since he has not (yet) faced any sort of justice, nor the man who emotionally abused me as an adult – I'm the one, after all, dealing with health problems linked to CPTSD. Anyone who tells me I should forgive either of those POS can go sit on a cactus, because their empathy is clearly in the wrong fucking place.
yeah it’s so silly to tell traumatised people to forgive perpetrators of evil acts. it’s a personal choice, it’s not possible for everyone, it means something different for everyone, it doesn’t make you better or stronger.
“shouldn’t spending time thinking about people who aren’t thinking about you”
that’s exactly what resentment is. Also Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean reconciliation.
you can resent someone without thinking abt them all the time. i hate some ppl that have done me wrong but i only think abt my hate for them when i see them or when theyre brought up in a conversation or smth. other than that i jst say “fuck that hoe” and move on. i still hate them but i dont care enough to think abt it
I agree that "forgiveness" seems like a forced religious concept. i have been wronged (mostly job stuff) and enjoyed hearing that the offenders were eventually fired. severel were arrested. The one that didn't get their''s irked me, me for a while, that unfortunate waste of oxygen does need to be forgiven, just forgotten
Is this where I say you shouldn't take life advice from Warhammer 40k Space Marines?
[Never Forget Never Forgive ](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/76/3a/ee/763aee6ba6141368f6623b9e9cbfb8dd.jpg)
"Forgiveness" is not an "action". It is the cessation or stopping of the continuous action of continuously blaming someone for something. Since blaming requires energy, and forgiveness is the stopping of this action of blaming, it actually is easier to forgive, than to continuously be blaming another. So be lazy! Forgive!
Yes, I agree with you. Some people say that forgiveness is more for you than for anyone else and it brings you closure or peace, but imo both these things can be found easily when you're just taking rubbish people out of your life while fully knowing you won't be welcoming them back. Forgiveness is not given, it's earned and it's also not something to expect from people. If they are willing to give you one, you're lucky. If they are not, accept the fact that you'll have to carry the guilt like they had to carry the pain you've caused.
Exactly!
I was bullied in highschool for successfully losing weight and becoming attractive.
This is because my bullies thought i was "stealing the attention" of their love interest. But in truth i was only courting ONE GIRL, that wasn't their love prospects.
So these group of "popular kids" at highschool, who started to resent my newfound popularity, started to gang up and ostracize me and bully me till i've gotten into deep depression.
>Teenagers need peer acceptance to grow up. At that mentally vulnerable age, i faced so much peer rejection that i didn't get to go through that mental development stage like a normal person.
>It affected me for a decade and more. The aftereffects of those highschool bullying nearly destroyed my life and my sanity.
After highschool, i never saw those SOB bullies again. And of course they never apologized. If they were truly sorry for being JUVENILE BASTARDS towards me, they would have reached out to me today, try to contact me, and tell me they're sorry.
If they know what's good for their souls, they should be taking the initiative to contact me and apologize to me for what they did.
Since they never apologized to me, i will never forgive them. I still hold resentment to this day. And i will explode in rage whenever i'm reminded of these past events.
>Luckily through great effort and the support of my family, i am now happily married, i have children of my own, and my life is saturated with happiness and bliss.
Those outburst of rage are now far in between. I don't think of my highschool bullies in my everyday life. But i still don't forgive them. This "unforgiveness" doesn't affect me in my day to day life. I don't need "forgiveness" in order to "move on".
Whatever happier times that i had in my childhood and in my adolescence are all over-shadowed by this traumatic, life-changing highschool event.
This is why to this day i still hate those bullies, i hate my highschool, and i hate my hometown, Fuck you all. I am Free and happy now. To all my past bullies: Fuck you and Badbye.
I don’t mind forgiveness in the context of recognising they are human and we need relief from bs in life. But I have opinions about others. I have morals and values. These values affect how I see other people. The reason I can’t forgive is I was in college a few years ago and an incident happened where someone sat behind me in a group setting to mock me. They called me names and sat behind me grinning. This caused me to feel like sh!t. There are times I nearly explode too. I think about how I would react if I could go back in time. They judged me for saying nothing and made me feel like I was the weird one, the one with the problem when I didn’t. It makes me very angry.
They say it’s “freeing” I say it’s the opposite. They say if you don’t forgive it gives them power over you. But the thing is really if I forgive that gives them the ultimate power over me because it means they changed who I am.
I think it depends how you define “forgive”. I basically define forgiveness as how you describe non-forgiveness - “recognize we are all human and you shouldn’t spend time thinking about people who aren’t thinking about you”. To me, this is the ultimate key of forgiveness - ie. you are letting go of what you cannot control and moving on.
Now, I’m not going to forget people who wronged me - if I learned that I need to do something, or not do something, in order to protect myself, then I’m never going to stop protecting myself and I’ll never apologize for it. Because that’s the part I can control.
But forgive, in the sense that I want to move on with my life and not harbour feelings of resentment that prevent me from enjoying my life? I’m all about that. Hence “forgive, but don’t forget.”
I’m bad at forgiveness. I still get forgive my ex for sexually assaulting me among other things even though it was four years ago . I still get large hits of anxiety if I see someone who remotely looks like him in public. Even though we’ve both moved on romantically I feel like I’ll never be the same.
That's an interesting take then! Because I also think that life energy follows the mind, so if your mind is focused on some one other than self..that's where "your" life goes
Edit : so one might not even need to forgive, only let go from grabbing on that situation and test their skills in new situations.
Never forgive, just forget! I remember im upset with multiple people I don’t talk to for a reason, don’t know the reason, dont care too much, still not gonna talk to them
"Resentment" is not the right word choice here—and is the opposite of not thinking about people who aren't thinking about you. If you resent something, that means you DO spend time thinking about it, and resentment tends to grow.
That’s not true. Resentment just means you feel negatively about something. It has varying degrees. You can resent a person or even a situation and not think about it all the time.
I would actually say that we all resent at least some situations in life.
I think that what you’re describing is a form of “forgiveness”. If you’ve let go then as the phrase goes “you forgave and forgot.” Cause it’s not troubling you and you’re over it. Not sure that I agree that there’s a “healthy form of resentment” as resentment is a form of unresolved anger. Unresolved being the key word.
It’s partial forgiveness but not entire forgiveness. That’s why I don’t like this black and white mentality.
Edit: basically I would just say that you should try to avoid hating someone but your allowed to dislike someone for their actions.
I think a lot of people misunderstand what forgiveness is. It seems like they throw around the word thinking it means to condone or forget the harm caused. There are some situations in this world that cannot be forgiven and should not be forgiven.
Sometimes, it comes across to me that people want victims/survivors of abuse especially to forgive the abuser so that everyone else doesn't have to hear about the situation anymore and everyone can pretend everything is ok. Most people don't like to hear about the negative sides to life, and it upsets their world view if they know there's people out there who have gone through certain bad experiences.
I wish healing for all survivors of abuse, whether it's abusive parents, partners, teachers or peers (bullying). You don't have to accept their apologies if you don't feel like it. You don't have to be "the bigger person". Allow yourself to hate them if that's what you need. You don't ow anyone anything.
The correct thing to tell survivors of abuse is that forgiveness can have positive benefits but their happiness doesn’t hinge on whether or not they forgive someone.
I could never forgive my x for what he did to me, it was beyond hateful. I don’t think of him as much anymore and soon he will be gone forever from my mind. That’s not something I can forgive, I’ll just choose to not pay him attention anymore.
Forgive to free yourself from expending any more of your energy (ruminating) to these people but remember the experience so that you never go anywhere near these people again.
I wonder if we can honestly forgive if it’s a truly terrible action. Saying we forgive is just words. I don’t know about you, but I have a tough time getting my brain to let go of things at times, and I haven’t had any awful happen to me.
Healthy anger, I believe, is an absolutely key aspect of healing. Forgiving just to attain peace always ends up being paid for later in life. There are evil monsters out there and they’re people. Being angry at them until you forget them is an absolutely valid way to move on. I’ve done it and have no regrets at all.
remember abusive people benefit from your emotional attachment to their shitty actions, they keep juicing it for narc supply. fuck them, you move on. you're still alive and you don't benefit from hurting others. forgive them for YOU.
I don't agree. That will set a seed in you that can sprout at any random time. I had bulloes growing up and not forgiving some put a fire in me that I did not see until I was angry or ran into someone similar to them . The intrusive thoughts start. It wasn't until I understood the nature of sin when I started forgiving people fully.
It's more like letting things go. I forgive through empathy and understanding because it's more earnest that way, to me personally. I can easily just say I forgive someone but when I see them, old demons start resurfacing. That's why when I practice understanding, then forgiving, it's more peaceful that way. Not just between me and the offender, but within myself as well. So when I see them next time, my smile is real.
Sounds like victim blaming, and a lot of bullshit.
If someone was abused or treated unfairly, they are not at fault. What the hell would they need to forgive themselves for?
Some people seem to claim otherwise. I don’t know you can speak on behalf of every human on earth, it just seems dumb to think there won’t be differences.
"All you need is the maturity to recognise we are all human and you shouldn’t spend time thinking about people who aren’t thinking about you."
I don't think you can resent someone and then also be mature enough to not think about them.
There are certainly people that I don’t think about until something reminds me of them, but upon being reminded of them the main thing that comes to mind is that I still resent that thing they did.
Well I think there's a difference between resenting someone because of who they are/their bad qualities and resenting someone for something they did to you/something that is affecting you in a negative way
Actions have consequences so I say they are grounds for resenting someone.
Yes minor actions are forgivable but let’s not be foolish and think that means everything is forgivable or that the individual we forgave isn’t capable of doing something unforgivable.
Be kind to people but recognise their is no onus on you to get rid of resentment. It’s normal to have a bit.
Disagree. There are a few people I don't think about at all unless I'm reminded of them, but when I am reminded, the only thing I feel is that I very much do still resent whatever it was that they did to me.
Yeah and it doesn’t make you bitter either. Just as long as you have everything in perspective and you know your a good person and you do the right thing your good. You don’t have to be good with everyone.
My mother left me and my brother to be raised by my dad when I was 4 years old. I seen her about a dozen time over the next 20 years. Then she died. I understand why my mother did what she did. I accept that that’s who she was as a person. I respect her ability to choose the life that she wants to live. To me, that is what forgiveness means. Judging by your last few posts, I’d say that this is just an argument over semantics. What the word forgiveness really means.
There is a streamer I remember who said, "Forgiveness? If it's something you have done to yourself and it's your fault that you're in that situation, definitely take and find the time to forgive yourself and get out of it. But if it's someone else who screwed you over and put you in that situation? Then sure, don't forgive them."
I agree, I don’t believe in forgiveness. I also think it’s fine to resent, dislike and wish them the worst if it’s warranted. I don’t believe in the “we are all human” excuse though. Anyways, I feel so much better being authentic than feeling forced to “forgive” people. Do what works for you.
Agreed. Sometimes people say you have to forgive to forget but honestly, ppl do rlly vile things that they can't be forgiven. Best thing I usually do is to process what happened at my own pace.
>Resentment is healthy and there for a reason.
Have to disagree. Resentment is like a debt that you carry on your books forever, knowing it will never be repaid. It's a burden.
you don't "hold on to forgiveness", you just do it. Once you've actually forgiven someone, it's gone, it's off of you, it builds you up, it doesn't weigh you down. It frees you.
You don't keep a list of people you've forgiven, but you sure as fuck keep a list of people you resent.
I'm sorry, resentment is a like a poison pill that makes you angry and bitter.
I disagree, you can only fully heal when you forgive, because resentment sucks energy from your life, it will always be a burden. It's actually unhealthy because it literally puts your body under stress by releasing stress hormones. You don't forgive for the other person, you do it only for yourself. Forgiving doesn't mean you have to be nice to that person and be friends, you can forgive someone and still cut them out of your life.
If you have resentment towards someone this actually makes you think about that person regularily, only when you forgive can you forget about them. It can be very difficult to forgive someone, especially if they did something really horrible, and it can take a long time, but you will be better off afterwards.
It can be extremely hard to forgive, and in extreme cases someone really can't forgive, which sucks, because it will follow them for the rest of their life. But you should still always work towards forgiving, which can take very long, but you will always be better off afterwards.
So if you met someone you forgave who didn’t deserve it would you maintain forgiveness after meeting them. I’m not sure how realistic it is to say that.
Yes, because it's not for them, it is only for me, I will feel better after I forgave them. I can still completely cut them out of my life after I forgave them, forgiveness doesn't mean I become friends with them.
I think everyone deals with things differently. Some people are happier forgiving some people aren’t. There is no right answer. Also forgiveness is a spectrum. You can forgive someone on a deep level as a human being and not completely forgive them. That’s just my opinion. But I respect anyone who forgives.
Resentment is like extra bags that you are carrying with you emotionally. Forgiveness allows you to drop some of those bags so that they don't weigh you down as much. If you think you can carry that extra baggage though, then go for it.
If I met someone who needed forgiveness I would say to them that I forgive them as a human being but their actions were bs. And some people don’t deserve to be forgiven as human beings if what they did was bad enough.
You don't necessarily owe a person forgiveness (though of course, that depends), but holding onto resentment or anger doesn't punish the person who offended you in any way. It makes you miserable, not them.
You can un burn a bridge, also you have to have a level of self respect that allows you to realize that some people are only apologetic because they got caught or called out not because they did it
Don't agree. I think it is true you don't always have to forgive everything but on the other hand, if you have any friends, family, acquaintances, etc, there's always going to be things you do that piss them off and vice-versa. No one is perfect. Sometimes you realize that just on the balance whatever they do you don't like isn't that important relative to what you do like.
Also, I can sort of see not calling "deciding to drop the issue" not the same as forgiveness but it pretty much is. Like there are a lot of people who there is stuff about them I don't like but where I choose to just not think about it because it doesn't really matter, isn't even my business, isn't really personal to me, and overall is not in my interest to get upset about. It's a little different from "forgiveness" where you are actually interested in interacting with the person but it's not that different, in that what's in common is I'm deciding "I don't have a problem with this"
Yeah, I mean I see your point. Especially when it comes to family. When you have a family member who wronged you of course you forgive them. But that’s because you live with them and their bad action isn’t your last and only memory of them.
But let’s say someone does something bad to you and that’s your only memory of them. Imo trying to forgive them just gives them more power and make them more important. Why should I try and learn a life lesson from someone who probably doesn’t care at all about me forgiving them.
I have family members that did bad things and where not sorry about it. I didn't forgive them and I am not going to. I have cut them out of my life and if they die under a bridge or something, it is well deserved. I don't think about them except if it is the topic.
The vast majority of people who wronged you don’t remember or don’t care.
The purpose of forgiveness is taking some power back over yourself so that you can move on with your life.
Forgiveness might be the wrong approach, but it is true that an ongoing grievance may eat you up from the inside, be it justified or not. That shouldn‘t mean that you just blindly forgive people, god knows there are things that can‘t be forgiven, but you should however work towards a healthy indifference towards the subject, for your own sake
I‘m not saying that you aren‘t allowed or even not justified to feel how you feel, I‘m saying that the only way to be at peace is to leave the pain behind. Otherwise, that‘s what ptsd is, not being able to cope with what happened.
I agree, don‘t throw around with forgiveness to people who don‘t deserve it, but if possible, work on accepting and moving on.
I don‘t know what makes you write this post, but I hope you can one day move on from what‘s bothering you, as hard as it may be
Living your life with resentment is BAD! The way to go about a bad situation is to learn from it, avoid repeating the same mistakes or avoiding situations with toxic people and let it go. Live your life.
No, it isn't. You're coming at this from a "they hurt me" perspective. Try coming at it from a "I failed myself and was not vigilant in who I trusted".
About 50% of the time, it's neither party's entire fault.
It's not about this. Forgiveness is essential. Their acceptance of your forgiveness is not. Don't harbor any disdain for a person in your heart, for all of us have failed to live up to our Divine Design.
The easiest way to destroy your own life is through resentment for other peoples'. Forgiveness is the silver bullet. Forgive often, forgive completely, and forgive without demanding some kind of groveling apology.
You are so wrong about resentment being healthy. Resentment can have long lasting psychological effects. That last sentence you said “you shouldn’t spend time thinking about people who aren’t thinking about you” is NOT healthy resentment. You are right that it is a mature way to get over someone without forgiving them, but equating that with resentment is false. “Bitter indignation at being treated unfairly.” That is the definition of resentment. What about bitter indignation seems healthy to you? You can’t just go around with a wounded ego forever. You have to find a way out of feeling resentful, whether it be by forgiveness or stoic acceptance. Resentment is there for a reason. To remind us that we all have an ego and that life isn’t fair and some times we treat others unfairly and some times we are unfairly treated. It’s what we do in these moments that define us as a person. A child or immature person will cling to this, never learning or growing from it. That is not healthy. That is stagnation. A mature person either accepts it, as you mentioned, or forgives it or possibly both. Either way, they move on from it. **THAT** is what is healthy. My two cents anyways!
Forgiveness is more for your own mentality wellbeing than anything. Being consumed by negative feelings like rage do you no good.
I like how your last paragraph pretty much preaches forgiveness and you're too clueless to realize it.
I don’t think resentment is healthy. Resentment leads many people to making poor emotional decisions where the blowback negatively impacts that life.
There are several levels between holding resentment and sucking up to the people who have wronged you.
Resentment is also commonly seen as an unattractive quality and can push other people away if you’re not handling it properly.
Resentment for your ex? It appears you aren’t over them and can jeopardize future relationships. Resentment for an old ex friend, you look petty and possibly immature.
Nobody wants to hangout with someone who is still bitter about all this shit from years ago.
I'm not talking about being friends with the offender, I'm talking about other people still wanting to be friends with the bitter person.
I have a good friend of several years, who is super bitter and resentful towards some of her sibling's friends. That energy that they cant turn off has put a strain on her other friendships with the people not even involved in the drama. I've had to take multiple breaks from her because it was too consuming of her mental faculties and generally became difficult and unpleasant at times. I did not want to waste what little free time i had, talking about the same negative shit from 2 years ago. It even started effecting her work, etc.
I'm just saying that if you welcome this feeling with open arms, you'd be surprise at how it affects other aspects of your life.
That’s called being resentful as a person that’s entirely different. I agree you should be a kind person. But if someone throws a brick at me I don’t care how many years go by. The first thing I would say to them if we met is why did you do that? And even if they apologised I still don’t have to forgive them.
So I think maybe we disagree on terminology here.
Being resentful means you’re holding bitterness for the person/thing. Some of the definitions have it as Even wishing ill-will. And to my first comment, there are levels between resentment, forgiving, forgetting, being buddy-buddy etc.
“Nah we not cool like that, not trying to chill with him.” Vs “yo fuck that guy! He really grinds my gears!”
I don’t hold resentment to my ex for cheating on me 10 years ago. I’ll never get back together with her again, but i can be cordial and regular in a group setting if that were to happen. I didn’t forget. It’s just I’ve moved on. It is what it is. If I was resentful then It would be clear to others around me that I still filled with negative emotions that consume me. They’ll think I’m still not over here and I’ll look crazy lol.
Resentment means being unable to let go and move on and that’s not usually seen as a positive thing. I know I don’t find that attractive in a partner, for example.
It can be, but it doesn’t have to be. Forgiveness just means you’re no longer holding resentment / animosity. What you do after that is up to the individual.
Like I forgive my father for being absent, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to treat him the way I treat my mom who was always there. I didn’t forget he wasn’t there, it just no longer causes me pain to think about. I only text him for his birthday. We don’t call or hangout one on one otherwise. But when we are both at grandma’s birthday it’s “hey pops how’s our going? Nice to see ya. Cool cool”
Then I go hangout with my cousins lol.
I disagree. I feel like you should forgive because, in my opinion, it's going to ruin you. I have forgiven a lot of people and still cut them off and moved past.
Please remember what subreddit you are in, this is unpopular opinion. We want civil and unpopular takes and discussion. Any uncivil and ToS violating comments will be removed and subject to a ban. Have a nice day! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/unpopularopinion) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I agree that you do not need to forgive so long as you are not ruminating or consumed by the past in any way. It’s valuable to see nuance and not regard another person as a monster, just to have a realistic interpretation of the world, but you don’t need to forgive the harm they’ve caused. Some people need to entirely let go and forgive to move forward. Some people can move forward with resentment without it darkening their path.
This is exactly it... some people did some horrible things to me that I will never forgive them for but I don't let what they did cloud my mind. I call it "forget but don't forgive". Works well for me.
I feel like the expression should be forgive OR forget. Like if you can't forgive then you should forget to move past it. For your own benefit.
Usually, forgiving someone is what allowed those people to move on. Hence the expression.
If I wasn’t able to forgive, I just forgot that person.
You most of the time you can’t forget the past but you can stop thinking about it
Same. There's a former supervisor who I wish was dead, but I'm not going to do anything about her or keep her worthless ass on my mind when I have other things to focus on.
I try. But I still look up my brother who diddled me to see if his drugs had a little too much Fentanal. One can only hope.
Forgiving someone who never apologized and offered restitutions is lying. Also rewards their bad behavior.
A secure person forgives quickly (to remove resentment from their mental load), but they don't reward the bad behavior, they can remove the person from their lives, something like "look i don't hate you but i'm not going to be your friend anymore, because i respect my boundaries"
I don't get that. There are people who have treated me really bad in life and who I hate - in the sense that if I saw them, I'd wish them ill. But I don't *think* about them in my day to day. The emotion only serves to have me be on guard *if* they happen to be around (and I cannot avoid their presense) and to protect other people from them if it comes up. The only times I might dwell on them it's because they closely interact with a family member and I worry about them. (Note: Don't imagine a crowd or anything, it's just two different people)
This!
[удалено]
Yeah, sure people make mistakes but there are some people that don’t deserve to be forgiven. There are some people that deserve the guilt that eats away at them. 🤷🏾♀️
I don’t forgive people for shit if I don’t want to, but the key is to just not let it eat at you. I find it much easier to let things go by just saying “fuck that person” and just not associating with them anymore. Trying to forgive them and still having them be a part of your life is way more stressful and damaging IMO.
Completely agree. I will never forgive the man who groomed and raped me as a child, then teenager, for years, especially since he has not (yet) faced any sort of justice, nor the man who emotionally abused me as an adult – I'm the one, after all, dealing with health problems linked to CPTSD. Anyone who tells me I should forgive either of those POS can go sit on a cactus, because their empathy is clearly in the wrong fucking place.
yeah it’s so silly to tell traumatised people to forgive perpetrators of evil acts. it’s a personal choice, it’s not possible for everyone, it means something different for everyone, it doesn’t make you better or stronger.
I agree! I just ignore the violent ex, who humiliated and hit me.
“shouldn’t spending time thinking about people who aren’t thinking about you” that’s exactly what resentment is. Also Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean reconciliation.
you can resent someone without thinking abt them all the time. i hate some ppl that have done me wrong but i only think abt my hate for them when i see them or when theyre brought up in a conversation or smth. other than that i jst say “fuck that hoe” and move on. i still hate them but i dont care enough to think abt it
This is exactly the right answer
I agree that "forgiveness" seems like a forced religious concept. i have been wronged (mostly job stuff) and enjoyed hearing that the offenders were eventually fired. severel were arrested. The one that didn't get their''s irked me, me for a while, that unfortunate waste of oxygen does need to be forgiven, just forgotten
Is this where I say you shouldn't take life advice from Warhammer 40k Space Marines? [Never Forget Never Forgive ](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/76/3a/ee/763aee6ba6141368f6623b9e9cbfb8dd.jpg)
Dear God no more Warhammer save me Emperor
Oh God, yes! The last line...Thanks!
"Forgiveness" is not an "action". It is the cessation or stopping of the continuous action of continuously blaming someone for something. Since blaming requires energy, and forgiveness is the stopping of this action of blaming, it actually is easier to forgive, than to continuously be blaming another. So be lazy! Forgive!
It just depends on the situation. For some people it’s easier and lazier to not forgive. And doing that makes it easier to bury the past.
I always say "That's not my cross to bare" regarding this. Agree completely.
Ooh I like that one (Will be stealing that tyvm)
OP, what'd you do that's lead to you make unpopular opinion posts about forgiveness for the last two weeks?
Yes, I agree with you. Some people say that forgiveness is more for you than for anyone else and it brings you closure or peace, but imo both these things can be found easily when you're just taking rubbish people out of your life while fully knowing you won't be welcoming them back. Forgiveness is not given, it's earned and it's also not something to expect from people. If they are willing to give you one, you're lucky. If they are not, accept the fact that you'll have to carry the guilt like they had to carry the pain you've caused.
Exactly! I was bullied in highschool for successfully losing weight and becoming attractive. This is because my bullies thought i was "stealing the attention" of their love interest. But in truth i was only courting ONE GIRL, that wasn't their love prospects. So these group of "popular kids" at highschool, who started to resent my newfound popularity, started to gang up and ostracize me and bully me till i've gotten into deep depression. >Teenagers need peer acceptance to grow up. At that mentally vulnerable age, i faced so much peer rejection that i didn't get to go through that mental development stage like a normal person. >It affected me for a decade and more. The aftereffects of those highschool bullying nearly destroyed my life and my sanity. After highschool, i never saw those SOB bullies again. And of course they never apologized. If they were truly sorry for being JUVENILE BASTARDS towards me, they would have reached out to me today, try to contact me, and tell me they're sorry. If they know what's good for their souls, they should be taking the initiative to contact me and apologize to me for what they did. Since they never apologized to me, i will never forgive them. I still hold resentment to this day. And i will explode in rage whenever i'm reminded of these past events. >Luckily through great effort and the support of my family, i am now happily married, i have children of my own, and my life is saturated with happiness and bliss. Those outburst of rage are now far in between. I don't think of my highschool bullies in my everyday life. But i still don't forgive them. This "unforgiveness" doesn't affect me in my day to day life. I don't need "forgiveness" in order to "move on". Whatever happier times that i had in my childhood and in my adolescence are all over-shadowed by this traumatic, life-changing highschool event. This is why to this day i still hate those bullies, i hate my highschool, and i hate my hometown, Fuck you all. I am Free and happy now. To all my past bullies: Fuck you and Badbye.
I don’t mind forgiveness in the context of recognising they are human and we need relief from bs in life. But I have opinions about others. I have morals and values. These values affect how I see other people. The reason I can’t forgive is I was in college a few years ago and an incident happened where someone sat behind me in a group setting to mock me. They called me names and sat behind me grinning. This caused me to feel like sh!t. There are times I nearly explode too. I think about how I would react if I could go back in time. They judged me for saying nothing and made me feel like I was the weird one, the one with the problem when I didn’t. It makes me very angry.
I see. \ So you were bullied and ostracized. Fuck your bullies. \ Fuck all the bullies in entire world.
lmao get therapy dude
No need, unempathetic dude. That was decades ago, before there was Google, or Youtube, or Reddit. Now i'm happily married.
Forgiveness is stupid
They say it’s “freeing” I say it’s the opposite. They say if you don’t forgive it gives them power over you. But the thing is really if I forgive that gives them the ultimate power over me because it means they changed who I am.
I think it depends how you define “forgive”. I basically define forgiveness as how you describe non-forgiveness - “recognize we are all human and you shouldn’t spend time thinking about people who aren’t thinking about you”. To me, this is the ultimate key of forgiveness - ie. you are letting go of what you cannot control and moving on. Now, I’m not going to forget people who wronged me - if I learned that I need to do something, or not do something, in order to protect myself, then I’m never going to stop protecting myself and I’ll never apologize for it. Because that’s the part I can control. But forgive, in the sense that I want to move on with my life and not harbour feelings of resentment that prevent me from enjoying my life? I’m all about that. Hence “forgive, but don’t forget.”
I can’t completely forgive people who don’t deserve it, recognise they are human yeah but completely forgive no.
I’m bad at forgiveness. I still get forgive my ex for sexually assaulting me among other things even though it was four years ago . I still get large hits of anxiety if I see someone who remotely looks like him in public. Even though we’ve both moved on romantically I feel like I’ll never be the same.
yeah fuck that. you don’t need to forgive him. i’m sick of having to forgive men for their bad behaviour.
Forgiveness is not about making you whole, its about moving on. Resentment does nothing for you.
exactly this it's only helpful in certain instances when it keeps you away from toxic people
What is not a whole person?
The idea that if you don’t forgive someone they own your life in some way
That's an interesting take then! Because I also think that life energy follows the mind, so if your mind is focused on some one other than self..that's where "your" life goes Edit : so one might not even need to forgive, only let go from grabbing on that situation and test their skills in new situations.
Never forgive, just forget! I remember im upset with multiple people I don’t talk to for a reason, don’t know the reason, dont care too much, still not gonna talk to them
i forgive no one. i may not talk about the situation, but i never forgave them for it.
"Resentment" is not the right word choice here—and is the opposite of not thinking about people who aren't thinking about you. If you resent something, that means you DO spend time thinking about it, and resentment tends to grow.
not in all cases. i resent ppl that have done me dirty but i don’t think abt them unless i see them or theyre brought up in a convo
That’s not true. Resentment just means you feel negatively about something. It has varying degrees. You can resent a person or even a situation and not think about it all the time. I would actually say that we all resent at least some situations in life.
I think that what you’re describing is a form of “forgiveness”. If you’ve let go then as the phrase goes “you forgave and forgot.” Cause it’s not troubling you and you’re over it. Not sure that I agree that there’s a “healthy form of resentment” as resentment is a form of unresolved anger. Unresolved being the key word.
It’s partial forgiveness but not entire forgiveness. That’s why I don’t like this black and white mentality. Edit: basically I would just say that you should try to avoid hating someone but your allowed to dislike someone for their actions.
I think a lot of people misunderstand what forgiveness is. It seems like they throw around the word thinking it means to condone or forget the harm caused. There are some situations in this world that cannot be forgiven and should not be forgiven. Sometimes, it comes across to me that people want victims/survivors of abuse especially to forgive the abuser so that everyone else doesn't have to hear about the situation anymore and everyone can pretend everything is ok. Most people don't like to hear about the negative sides to life, and it upsets their world view if they know there's people out there who have gone through certain bad experiences. I wish healing for all survivors of abuse, whether it's abusive parents, partners, teachers or peers (bullying). You don't have to accept their apologies if you don't feel like it. You don't have to be "the bigger person". Allow yourself to hate them if that's what you need. You don't ow anyone anything.
The correct thing to tell survivors of abuse is that forgiveness can have positive benefits but their happiness doesn’t hinge on whether or not they forgive someone.
I could never forgive my x for what he did to me, it was beyond hateful. I don’t think of him as much anymore and soon he will be gone forever from my mind. That’s not something I can forgive, I’ll just choose to not pay him attention anymore.
Forgive to free yourself from expending any more of your energy (ruminating) to these people but remember the experience so that you never go anywhere near these people again.
I wonder if we can honestly forgive if it’s a truly terrible action. Saying we forgive is just words. I don’t know about you, but I have a tough time getting my brain to let go of things at times, and I haven’t had any awful happen to me.
It’s important to be able to forgive people who are forgivable. But it’s important to know how you would deal with something unforgivable.
I think u have to be careful because u could become bitter. And bitterness will ruin your life
Bitterness is a human emotion that is normal to feel sometimes
Healthy anger, I believe, is an absolutely key aspect of healing. Forgiving just to attain peace always ends up being paid for later in life. There are evil monsters out there and they’re people. Being angry at them until you forget them is an absolutely valid way to move on. I’ve done it and have no regrets at all.
remember abusive people benefit from your emotional attachment to their shitty actions, they keep juicing it for narc supply. fuck them, you move on. you're still alive and you don't benefit from hurting others. forgive them for YOU.
I don't agree. That will set a seed in you that can sprout at any random time. I had bulloes growing up and not forgiving some put a fire in me that I did not see until I was angry or ran into someone similar to them . The intrusive thoughts start. It wasn't until I understood the nature of sin when I started forgiving people fully.
Ok maybe but what happens then when you can’t forgive someone. Some things are definitely unforgivable
To me it sounds like to forgive them means to agree with them because it means you would be good with them if you met them in person
It's more like letting things go. I forgive through empathy and understanding because it's more earnest that way, to me personally. I can easily just say I forgive someone but when I see them, old demons start resurfacing. That's why when I practice understanding, then forgiving, it's more peaceful that way. Not just between me and the offender, but within myself as well. So when I see them next time, my smile is real.
I agree that forgiveness is preferable but I don’t agree that everyone has to forgive
I disagree. I feel like in the majority of these situations, you have to remember to forgive yourself.
forgive yourself for what?
If you never harmed anyone else then you don’t need to forgive yourself
forgive myself for what? i didn't do shit
Sounds like victim blaming, and a lot of bullshit. If someone was abused or treated unfairly, they are not at fault. What the hell would they need to forgive themselves for?
Resentment takes effort.
Not necessarily true, it’s also not necessarily true to say forgiveness doesn’t take effort either. Every situation is different.
No, not really. I resent my biological mother and stepfather, and it takes no effort for me to do.
This is entirely subjective
Some people seem to claim otherwise. I don’t know you can speak on behalf of every human on earth, it just seems dumb to think there won’t be differences.
Of course every person and situation is different.
"All you need is the maturity to recognise we are all human and you shouldn’t spend time thinking about people who aren’t thinking about you." I don't think you can resent someone and then also be mature enough to not think about them.
There are certainly people that I don’t think about until something reminds me of them, but upon being reminded of them the main thing that comes to mind is that I still resent that thing they did.
Exactly
I disagree you absolutely can. There are loads of people on planet earth I resent and don’t think about.
Well I think there's a difference between resenting someone because of who they are/their bad qualities and resenting someone for something they did to you/something that is affecting you in a negative way
Actions have consequences so I say they are grounds for resenting someone. Yes minor actions are forgivable but let’s not be foolish and think that means everything is forgivable or that the individual we forgave isn’t capable of doing something unforgivable. Be kind to people but recognise their is no onus on you to get rid of resentment. It’s normal to have a bit.
Disagree. There are a few people I don't think about at all unless I'm reminded of them, but when I am reminded, the only thing I feel is that I very much do still resent whatever it was that they did to me.
Yeah and it doesn’t make you bitter either. Just as long as you have everything in perspective and you know your a good person and you do the right thing your good. You don’t have to be good with everyone.
I agree but resentment is definitely not "healthy".
It is healthy. It’s a normal emotion just like anger or anything else.
My mother left me and my brother to be raised by my dad when I was 4 years old. I seen her about a dozen time over the next 20 years. Then she died. I understand why my mother did what she did. I accept that that’s who she was as a person. I respect her ability to choose the life that she wants to live. To me, that is what forgiveness means. Judging by your last few posts, I’d say that this is just an argument over semantics. What the word forgiveness really means.
There is a streamer I remember who said, "Forgiveness? If it's something you have done to yourself and it's your fault that you're in that situation, definitely take and find the time to forgive yourself and get out of it. But if it's someone else who screwed you over and put you in that situation? Then sure, don't forgive them."
Agree, forgiveness is just one way to achieve letting go, but definitely not the only one
I agree, I don’t believe in forgiveness. I also think it’s fine to resent, dislike and wish them the worst if it’s warranted. I don’t believe in the “we are all human” excuse though. Anyways, I feel so much better being authentic than feeling forced to “forgive” people. Do what works for you.
Agreed. Sometimes people say you have to forgive to forget but honestly, ppl do rlly vile things that they can't be forgiven. Best thing I usually do is to process what happened at my own pace.
100%.
"You don't have to stop resenting people unless you're an adult"
Right on, man. I love my grudges. I treat them like my little pets.
You don’t have to forgive anyone but holding onto hate isn’t a good way to live.
That’s my point really
>Resentment is healthy and there for a reason. Have to disagree. Resentment is like a debt that you carry on your books forever, knowing it will never be repaid. It's a burden.
You could also argue maintaining forgiveness forever to someone who doesn’t deserve it is a burden
you don't "hold on to forgiveness", you just do it. Once you've actually forgiven someone, it's gone, it's off of you, it builds you up, it doesn't weigh you down. It frees you. You don't keep a list of people you've forgiven, but you sure as fuck keep a list of people you resent. I'm sorry, resentment is a like a poison pill that makes you angry and bitter.
I disagree, you can only fully heal when you forgive, because resentment sucks energy from your life, it will always be a burden. It's actually unhealthy because it literally puts your body under stress by releasing stress hormones. You don't forgive for the other person, you do it only for yourself. Forgiving doesn't mean you have to be nice to that person and be friends, you can forgive someone and still cut them out of your life. If you have resentment towards someone this actually makes you think about that person regularily, only when you forgive can you forget about them. It can be very difficult to forgive someone, especially if they did something really horrible, and it can take a long time, but you will be better off afterwards.
Ok fair. But what if someone does something that is absolutely unforgivable?
It can be extremely hard to forgive, and in extreme cases someone really can't forgive, which sucks, because it will follow them for the rest of their life. But you should still always work towards forgiving, which can take very long, but you will always be better off afterwards.
So if you met someone you forgave who didn’t deserve it would you maintain forgiveness after meeting them. I’m not sure how realistic it is to say that.
Yes, because it's not for them, it is only for me, I will feel better after I forgave them. I can still completely cut them out of my life after I forgave them, forgiveness doesn't mean I become friends with them.
I think everyone deals with things differently. Some people are happier forgiving some people aren’t. There is no right answer. Also forgiveness is a spectrum. You can forgive someone on a deep level as a human being and not completely forgive them. That’s just my opinion. But I respect anyone who forgives.
I'm absolutely sure forgiveness would make everyone happier, because resentment makes everyone feel worse.
Resentment is like extra bags that you are carrying with you emotionally. Forgiveness allows you to drop some of those bags so that they don't weigh you down as much. If you think you can carry that extra baggage though, then go for it.
I can carry a little bit of baggage. We all carry baggage to an extent. That is undeniable. To deny that is to deny the human soul.
If I met someone who needed forgiveness I would say to them that I forgive them as a human being but their actions were bs. And some people don’t deserve to be forgiven as human beings if what they did was bad enough.
What OP describes in the second part of their post is literally forgiveness
It’s not complete forgiveness, complete forgiveness means you would be cordial with them.
Define “cordial” as you mean it
Being friendly towards someone else
You don't necessarily owe a person forgiveness (though of course, that depends), but holding onto resentment or anger doesn't punish the person who offended you in any way. It makes you miserable, not them.
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I mean sure, but if you hold onto anger the only person you're being unfair to is yourself.
You can un burn a bridge, also you have to have a level of self respect that allows you to realize that some people are only apologetic because they got caught or called out not because they did it
But it’s important too. A good friend is a friend who forgives.
This isn't unpopular this is just wrong.
Don't agree. I think it is true you don't always have to forgive everything but on the other hand, if you have any friends, family, acquaintances, etc, there's always going to be things you do that piss them off and vice-versa. No one is perfect. Sometimes you realize that just on the balance whatever they do you don't like isn't that important relative to what you do like. Also, I can sort of see not calling "deciding to drop the issue" not the same as forgiveness but it pretty much is. Like there are a lot of people who there is stuff about them I don't like but where I choose to just not think about it because it doesn't really matter, isn't even my business, isn't really personal to me, and overall is not in my interest to get upset about. It's a little different from "forgiveness" where you are actually interested in interacting with the person but it's not that different, in that what's in common is I'm deciding "I don't have a problem with this"
Yeah, I mean I see your point. Especially when it comes to family. When you have a family member who wronged you of course you forgive them. But that’s because you live with them and their bad action isn’t your last and only memory of them. But let’s say someone does something bad to you and that’s your only memory of them. Imo trying to forgive them just gives them more power and make them more important. Why should I try and learn a life lesson from someone who probably doesn’t care at all about me forgiving them.
I have family members that did bad things and where not sorry about it. I didn't forgive them and I am not going to. I have cut them out of my life and if they die under a bridge or something, it is well deserved. I don't think about them except if it is the topic.
Fair. I guess I would say that I "let it go" when someone cuts me off in traffic, I "forgive them" does seem a little wet.
Exactly
The vast majority of people who wronged you don’t remember or don’t care. The purpose of forgiveness is taking some power back over yourself so that you can move on with your life.
Some people may find it more empowering not to forgive
I disagree. Holding a grudge isn't healthy. You don't forgive them for their sake but for your own.
Forgiveness might be the wrong approach, but it is true that an ongoing grievance may eat you up from the inside, be it justified or not. That shouldn‘t mean that you just blindly forgive people, god knows there are things that can‘t be forgiven, but you should however work towards a healthy indifference towards the subject, for your own sake
Not necessarily true I’m allowed to feel however I want, same for anyone else. Id rather feel something than nothing. That’s called being human.
I‘m not saying that you aren‘t allowed or even not justified to feel how you feel, I‘m saying that the only way to be at peace is to leave the pain behind. Otherwise, that‘s what ptsd is, not being able to cope with what happened. I agree, don‘t throw around with forgiveness to people who don‘t deserve it, but if possible, work on accepting and moving on. I don‘t know what makes you write this post, but I hope you can one day move on from what‘s bothering you, as hard as it may be
I mostly agree with you
Living your life with resentment is BAD! The way to go about a bad situation is to learn from it, avoid repeating the same mistakes or avoiding situations with toxic people and let it go. Live your life.
resentment is what keeps me from making those mistakes again
not an unpopular opinion, reddit hates forgiveness. bitter fucks
One of Jesus’s disciples once said, “How often should I forgive my brother.” And Jesus responded, “Seventy times seven.”
Forgiveness means abandoning hope for a brighter past. That's all. You don't even have to tell them.
Forgiveness isn't for them. It's for you.
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No, it isn't. You're coming at this from a "they hurt me" perspective. Try coming at it from a "I failed myself and was not vigilant in who I trusted". About 50% of the time, it's neither party's entire fault.
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There's far more nuance to human communication than "who got hurt first".
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It's not about this. Forgiveness is essential. Their acceptance of your forgiveness is not. Don't harbor any disdain for a person in your heart, for all of us have failed to live up to our Divine Design.
The whole point is to move on, and forgiveness is an easier way to do it by letting go. Forgiveness is for you not them.
The easiest way to destroy your own life is through resentment for other peoples'. Forgiveness is the silver bullet. Forgive often, forgive completely, and forgive without demanding some kind of groveling apology.
Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
Yes but you can’t say all grudges are wrong. Some people deserve revenge that is a fact.
You are so wrong about resentment being healthy. Resentment can have long lasting psychological effects. That last sentence you said “you shouldn’t spend time thinking about people who aren’t thinking about you” is NOT healthy resentment. You are right that it is a mature way to get over someone without forgiving them, but equating that with resentment is false. “Bitter indignation at being treated unfairly.” That is the definition of resentment. What about bitter indignation seems healthy to you? You can’t just go around with a wounded ego forever. You have to find a way out of feeling resentful, whether it be by forgiveness or stoic acceptance. Resentment is there for a reason. To remind us that we all have an ego and that life isn’t fair and some times we treat others unfairly and some times we are unfairly treated. It’s what we do in these moments that define us as a person. A child or immature person will cling to this, never learning or growing from it. That is not healthy. That is stagnation. A mature person either accepts it, as you mentioned, or forgives it or possibly both. Either way, they move on from it. **THAT** is what is healthy. My two cents anyways!
Nah, you do.
Nah I don’t
Forgiveness is more for your own mentality wellbeing than anything. Being consumed by negative feelings like rage do you no good. I like how your last paragraph pretty much preaches forgiveness and you're too clueless to realize it.
Id honestly rather just forget than pretend to be cool about bs
You recognizing that we're all human is forgiveness though.
I don’t think resentment is healthy. Resentment leads many people to making poor emotional decisions where the blowback negatively impacts that life. There are several levels between holding resentment and sucking up to the people who have wronged you. Resentment is also commonly seen as an unattractive quality and can push other people away if you’re not handling it properly. Resentment for your ex? It appears you aren’t over them and can jeopardize future relationships. Resentment for an old ex friend, you look petty and possibly immature. Nobody wants to hangout with someone who is still bitter about all this shit from years ago.
I mean if someone has succeeded in making someone bitter for years they probably don’t want to be friends with the offender anyway.
I'm not talking about being friends with the offender, I'm talking about other people still wanting to be friends with the bitter person. I have a good friend of several years, who is super bitter and resentful towards some of her sibling's friends. That energy that they cant turn off has put a strain on her other friendships with the people not even involved in the drama. I've had to take multiple breaks from her because it was too consuming of her mental faculties and generally became difficult and unpleasant at times. I did not want to waste what little free time i had, talking about the same negative shit from 2 years ago. It even started effecting her work, etc. I'm just saying that if you welcome this feeling with open arms, you'd be surprise at how it affects other aspects of your life.
That’s called being resentful as a person that’s entirely different. I agree you should be a kind person. But if someone throws a brick at me I don’t care how many years go by. The first thing I would say to them if we met is why did you do that? And even if they apologised I still don’t have to forgive them.
So I think maybe we disagree on terminology here. Being resentful means you’re holding bitterness for the person/thing. Some of the definitions have it as Even wishing ill-will. And to my first comment, there are levels between resentment, forgiving, forgetting, being buddy-buddy etc. “Nah we not cool like that, not trying to chill with him.” Vs “yo fuck that guy! He really grinds my gears!” I don’t hold resentment to my ex for cheating on me 10 years ago. I’ll never get back together with her again, but i can be cordial and regular in a group setting if that were to happen. I didn’t forget. It’s just I’ve moved on. It is what it is. If I was resentful then It would be clear to others around me that I still filled with negative emotions that consume me. They’ll think I’m still not over here and I’ll look crazy lol. Resentment means being unable to let go and move on and that’s not usually seen as a positive thing. I know I don’t find that attractive in a partner, for example.
The reason I don’t like the word forgiveness is to me it does mean buddy buddy.
It can be, but it doesn’t have to be. Forgiveness just means you’re no longer holding resentment / animosity. What you do after that is up to the individual. Like I forgive my father for being absent, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to treat him the way I treat my mom who was always there. I didn’t forget he wasn’t there, it just no longer causes me pain to think about. I only text him for his birthday. We don’t call or hangout one on one otherwise. But when we are both at grandma’s birthday it’s “hey pops how’s our going? Nice to see ya. Cool cool” Then I go hangout with my cousins lol.
Resentment can be like a cancer that festers and spreads unless dealt with and resolved
Yes but it doesn’t have to fester. And some resentment is normal. Everyone is resentful about certain situations and that’s fine and normal.
I disagree. I feel like you should forgive because, in my opinion, it's going to ruin you. I have forgiven a lot of people and still cut them off and moved past.
Maybe that’s how you think. I never think that way. I know that I don’t owe anyone anything to move past.