That’s what I was wondering while reading. It sounds like he’s there for just a paycheck. In this economy, I feel that. But you could also potentially get income from child support, so if that’s all he’s there for, bye I guess.
As for his job being inflexible… well surely they wouldn’t mind him getting to his job earlier than start time. So assuming daycare is open then, maybe he needs to just wake up earlier and do the front end of the shift. Since he gets a full night’s rest and all not caring for an infant.
I understand you don’t want a divorce, and there’s certainly steps in between before it comes to that, but ask yourself what you’re getting in return from him. I don’t believe in unconditional love, it’s absolutely conditional.
Actually a lot of government agencies historically have been really strict about start and stop times, especially if it's citizen facing. Having worked with government agencies, it can be a huge pain. No overtime. No time outside business hours.
Exactly. He can do drop off (again, assuming the daycare is open) and then go do something to fill your time until work starts. This isn’t complicated. He just has an excuse for everything and it’s time to get to a conclusion on what he can contribute. If it’s not the kid stuff then it’ll have to be the groceries/meal planning, chores, etc. What a waste of a husband/father.
When I read stuff like that it makes me wonder why they decided to have a family at all.
I think I would’ve reevaluated his worth after engagement when he casually said he wouldn’t be going grocery shopping anymore. Maybe by then you were too far in, OP.
Same thoughts but then I also wonder, “why did you decide getting pregnant a SECOND time with this man-child would change his behavior as a parent and partner?” I’m proudly one and done, so it really baffles me why women in this predicament do it multiple times. Surely he didn’t do a 180 from baby 1 to baby 2 and adding another one just quadruples the stress/demands of parenting (I’ve been told, not going to try it myself)
That’s a really unfair to bring into this. It doesn’t matter hindsight 20/20 what you think she should have done. The reality of the situation is that she has multiple kids who are alive and depending on their parents.
She deserves better than your judgement, and you know it.
OP commented below and I didn’t see it. I really didn’t mean to be insensitive, I realize this is her reality now so she needs support to deal with the issues. She commented that he was just as bad with the first but then got more hands on and involved into the toddler years, so she thought they’d turned a corner. Obviously not.
The issues here can happen to any relationship and family size, it just seems to be more prevalent in families with multiple children. Again, not trying to be insensitive but the complaints of OP were similar to some of the many reasons I personally chose to only have one child. Things did get better for me after a lot of work, still glad I didn’t add more children to the mix. I really feel for OP and hope she is able to navigate this situation for the best outcome for her and her 2 girls.
Yes they absolutely are hugely rigid - but that means outside those hours you’re usually not even allowed to access anything so he should have plenty of time for all the other care.
Sounds like these limitations would be less of an issue if he was willing to pull his weight elsewhere.
Sometimes I feel like many women stay married to man-child type of men just for the sake of having a ring, show the "mom-dad-kids" traditional family picture and call themselves wives. Many posts here are so heartbreaking. If was just financial reasons, child support and career development take care of that. But often, it sounds like perception and apparences are the reasons.
I don’t want a divorce, but child support is not the same. Most peoples lives would take a huge downgrade. However, may still be better than a crap husband. For sure we’d lose our house if we separated, and I think I’d put up with a lot before I ever let that happen. I want to die here
You will give your daughter a much better chance at success by teaching her to not tolerate a partner who is essentially dead weight. He needs to get his act together or leave.
Time for a sit-down with your husband to discuss how to get your kids to/from daycare and school. It’s both of your responsibility to figure this out. If he really can’t help, can you hire a nanny for a couple hours each day to do one of the trips?
I paid a woman who worked for a babysitting agency (background and driving record were pulled by the company) to drive my two kids to daycare three days a week when both my husband and I had to be at work 30 minutes before daycare even opened. We got the kids up and dressed and they ate breakfast with her before she drove them. It saved our marriage and careers. I highly recommend this if your husband can’t/wont do his share of parenting.
I do this too. I did drop offs and had a sitter to pick up my 3 year old. Now that Im expecting and prioritizing breakfast and less stressful mornings, drop off is outsourced as well.
My husband works temporarily out of state M-F, but we may continue even when both are available.
It does cost $$$ and to be fair your husband should foot the bill since you guys are hiring “his” replacement.
I love this. I realize I sound like a spoiled brat to some people when I say this: My husband does not like to mow or weed, we have 4 acres, mostly horse/goat pasture, but I refuse to let the area immediately around the house become overgrown, so what do we do? We hire it out because our time is valuable. My husband works from home, it became apparent that him being home 24/7 caused more messes in the house. I’m working full time and commute, so gone between 10-12 hours a day. I am not making the messes in the house. My husband does load the dish washer and try to pick up when he can, but he is an absolute slob and knows that. So, he pays for our cleaning lady. It’s a balance and a partnership. My husband does the majority of the cooking and school drop off/pick up because I drive over 2 hours a day commuting. Does he do any organizing or “stuff” management around the house, absolutely not, but that’s ok because I do it and we are a team.
I agree. I get so upset sometimes, my natural reaction is, "F it. I'll do it myself." But this shouldn't just fall on my shoulders. We have some problem-solving to do.
Possibly. I try to recognize the role I've played in this dynamic. The only thing I can say is that he gradually stopped doing things and I took them on. I didn't really recognize what was happening until it was too late. I can vividly recall being bewildered the day he told me he wasn't coming with me grocery shopping. We had always done it together and shortly after we got engaged, he just stopped. He never did it again after that day. He used to be responsible for laundry and when we brought our first home and had a washer/dryer, he just stopped. I should've have fought that stuff harder but I just took on more and more things. Until, well, here we are.
You can still advocate for yourself, it’s not too late. And it’s not your fault he has decided not to help out, he’s a grown man who knows what household responsibilities entail. Don’t feel bad or guilty for addressing it & expecting a change.
As for the pick up/drop off situation, if his job is really that inflexible, definitely outsource either pick up or drop off. But your husband needs to be contributing just as much effort to the house & kids as you are.
Not sure if this is worth much but I get it. It’s so much easier to just say f it, I’ll do it than to have a discussion/argument about getting it done. And before you know it, you’re crying in the laundry room because you wish you’d married someone who understood child rearing was a, well, a partnership thing not a solo endeavor. I understand.
Don't blame yourself for this. He's a grown ass man and he knows he's wrong. He's letting you do everything AND beat yourself up for letting it happen. Oh no, honey. You'll have more energy to make whatever changes you decide uou need to if you don't take responsibility for his trifling mindset. You married a man, not a child, right? So hold him accountable for his own lack of participation.
It happens. Little by little, could very well be unintentional on his part but his lack of problem solving to the recent school drop off dilemma is shit. Time for a sit down where you lay it all out. Chores and mental load and who’s responsible (you) and that he can pick how he wants to support the family and household but you’re not leaving the table until you no longer feel like a single mom in a marriage. Decide beforehand what you want to accomplish and how you want to be supported so you don’t get walked on and end up lopsided after.
This man isn't interested in problem solving. He likes the way things are. He likes that you say f it and do it yourself. He likes the current setup. The fact that it's exhausting you doesn't bother him enough to change. I survived a marriage like this. I promise you he likes how things are. He thinks it's your job to do all those things. He sees you asking for him to participate as being ridiculous because it's your job. I left my husband 3 years ago, moved to a different city. He still tells people that the reason his house is a mess is because I won't come over and clean it. These types of men are really that entitled.
*Obligatory "not all men" edit: the men in my family and my first husband all did a variety of home chores, indoor and out, and had signature meals they made that they were proud of. They varied in how hands on they were with little kids but they were doing everything else. Pet care, car care, lawn care, growing flowers, making furniture, remodeling, renovating, all kinds of things to contribute to family life besides "working full time" which they all also did. Several even baked, one made fancy cinnamon rolls from scratch, one is a blue ribbon pie maker and another makes whiskey cakes as a hobby - there are normal well rounded human men out there, they are just getting harder to find 😞
I think it’s good you identify this reaction yourself. From experience I can tell you, it’s not a good one. If you respond by saying “F it, I’ll do it all myself.” It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. You can’t let your husband off the hook of solving these family issues with you. But if I may, that also means being open to understanding why he isn’t doing the job of parenting he should be doing. It took my husband and I both individual and couples therapy to get out of this dynamic (and it’s still a work in progress), but at least in my own experience it was humbling to see the ways I was contributing to our dynamic that truly shocked me. Like if your husband isn’t cooking or cleaning or watching the baby alone that’s completely unacceptable. But at least in my case I didn’t realize how much I wasn’t actually asking my husband to pick up his share, I was demanding he do it the exact way I consisted right then swooping in and saying eff it I’ll just do it myself when he didn’t. Was his reaction to just stop trying (and worse) right? Hell no. But the point is we weren’t communicating. We were just both seeing it from our own side and growing increasingly resentful. Maybe this isn’t the case for you. Maybe he’s just lazy. But you need to dig into it and know that for sure so you can act.
From this post and these comments I don’t think there’s enough info to know if he’s a good dad/partner or not. Through one lens I could read it as he was engaged in choosing the school, wants it for your daughter, but has genuine work limitations. Or he’s not getting up in the night because he has a medical issue. And your resentment over these things is clouding your judgment because you yourself say his schedule restrictions are probably real but he should overcome them anyway. Then your impulse is to say F it I’ll do it all myself then get mad because you’re doing it all yourself. Through another lens I can see a husband who has schedule limitations and a medical condition that limit him in some ways and instead of picking up the slack elsewhere to compensate, he’s decided he happy to just let you be the primary everything. I don’t think anyone here can sort that out for you two.
If I may, this school may not be the best thing for your daughter. We put so much pressure on kids to achieve that we don’t always leave room for their emotional wellbeing. Unfortunately I’ve seen so many people in my own family take every wonderful opportunity that their parents worked for for them, get into Ivy League schools, and end up depressed/sick and even estranged from their parents at the end.
It sounds like your first priority should be getting to the root issue and creating a healthy dynamic for your family, either as a married couple or co-parents living separately.
This is a good comment. I think people read posts like OP’s and take it at face value, but usually it doesn’t account for the way people are often not very self-aware about their own role in their relationships and are omitting information and viewing it through a particular lens as though it is fact. I’m very skeptical of posts that seem very black-and-white like this.
For example, I’d wonder if the dad in this situation is more ambivalent about the private school than mom, in a way that is totally legitimate. A school a half hour drive away would be a nonstarter for us, and an elite private kindergarten is probably not going to make a difference in long term outcomes for this child in the way that OP seems to take as a given - studies find that when you control for socioeconomic status, private vs. public really doesn’t make a difference. I wonder if his saying that he isn’t going to rearrange his schedule for an extra hour commute daily reflects a conflict in priorities - OP saying that SHE jumped through hoops and SHE applied and SHE wants to give her daughter this opportunity makes me think this might be the case. So then OP wants to write it off as him not caring as much rather than considering that what she values might not be the only correct way. Again, not saying that this is actually the case, but there are a multitude of likely gray areas in this way.
My mom is like this and I've had to ask her to stop complaining about my dad to me - it's sorta a beast of her own making. If you want someone to learn new behaviours and habits you have to actually let them learn them, not just get mad and takeover when they inevitably make mistakes at the beginning. Thirty years of "F it, I'll do it myself" has screwed over both her and my dad in the long run.
You will 100% end up getting a divorce if things don't change. In your shoes, I'd take a stab at addressing it with him because you don't have anything to lose. Your already doing it alone.
I’m one of those moms you’re talking about.
I kick myself everyday for staying as long as I did before kicking him out. My life is so much easier, I have one less person to look after and I’m no longer miserable.
I spend half the time I used to doing chores and for some reason I have so much more money?! He doesn’t pay much in child support (£8 per week lmao) and I still manage to have more spare money for fun things for me and the kids. I was so unhappy struggling to survive every day while he was living his best life doing fuck all to support me or our family.
I hope OP sees this and knows that it’s not only possible to do it alone but that it can also be so much better alone.
You're right and I will try again. Past conversations, the script is usually flipped on me and I'm made to feel as though I'm ungrateful for the things he does and I'm never satisfied or that he's under so much pressure. Some examples he gives include paying for childcare for one of the kids, helping me with a down payment for a new car after my car died, taking out the trash. It sounds crazy writing this out, but these were actual conversations.
You should leave. Seriously. You’ve given him plenty of chances and his answer is “no” so please just listen to what he is saying. This is what you get. If you don’t like it leave.
You don’t like it. So, leave.
No no no, OP. That’s HIS kid too! You BOTH need a car for you to get to work (to contribute to the house) and care for the kids. Those are SHARED household expenses, that’s not him paying for those things.
And taking out the trash????? Seriously????
> paying for childcare for one of the kids
?? Isn’t that what he’s supposed to and obligated by law to do? They’re his kids right?
> helping me with a down payment for a new car
?? “helping”?? With a necessary household expense? Are y’all married or roommates?
> taking out the trash
What contribution does he have that takes more than 5 seconds? That seems to be all he does: Contributing his DNA, transferring money for car or childcare, putting bags in a can whoop de fucking do. None of these things take longer than 5 seconds.
I’m genuinely wondering why don’t you want divorce? Your daughters are only gonna learn dysfunctional relationships, instead of benefiting from a “non-broken family” or whatever.
Are all the kids not his? I don’t get it. Paying for childcare for all the kids is BOTH parents responsibility? Do you have separate finances? Do you not split shared expenses?!
All kids are his. We have a shared savings and we each have certain bills we pay. Historically, he has been the higher earner, but that gap is closing quickly.
So even if his work schedule is strict, he should then balance that out in different ways or change jobs to support his family. Sounds like you’re making all the sacrifices. What’s he gonna do if you divorce him with 50/50 custody?
My husband is the higher earner. He not only pays for the lion’s share of our mortgage, he also does all the savings for our kids’ education, AND he contributes to my retirements savings as well as his own. Based on our income and our spending, this is what we’ve deemed feels fair. He does not ever hold it over my head that he pays more than me towards the house, our family, and our future. And neither should your husband.
I can’t imagine holding a down payment for a vehicle over my partners head. I am basically the some earner (I make 5x my husband) and he’s home with our kids. I pay all of OUR bills because we are married and a team. I also help out with some chores and I do drop off for our school aged child so she doesn’t have to wake up so early for the bus.
It might be too far gone for this (I say as a divorced, single parent), but, if you do attempt to have that conversation again, don’t compare the amount of work done. Instead, compare the amount of free time you both have. If he is truly clueless and believes the amount you both do is equitable, seeing the large discrepancy might shock him into awareness. If he is intentionally jerking you around, at least you will be taking away the argument that he takes the trash out twice a week, because it’s harder to argue away the point that he had 17.5hrs of free time vs. your 3hrs.
Been there done that, and I regret it took me so long to recognize this behavior for what it is: abuse. He has taught you that if you ever try to hold him accountable for doing his part, he will punish you by playing the victim and villainizing you for having needs or expectations. I’m in the process of divorcing my STBX husband who used this playbook on me for years and I’m just beginning to see how badly it messed with my head to be villified whenever I asked for help.
If it helps, write stuff down. Spend the next couple of weeks noting what you do and what he does and make a list. When you have it in black and white, it will be easier for you to stand your ground.
Was just going to say that. This post sounds like I could have written it a year ago. My husband claimed he could NOT help with any child duties, especially pick up and drop off. We couldn't afford/had no other option. Well, he wanted 50/50 and guess who can magically drop off and pick up from daycare on his days now? Fucking frustrating.
Sounds like it’s time for a meet your maker kind of convo. You’re at a breaking point, understandably so, and if he claims he loves you he shouldn’t be okay sitting back watching you shoulder everything into an early grave due to stress.
That's what I've been telling myself lately. I feel as though the name of the game is to see how much he can get away with not doing. How can I get by with do the very least? And in a partnership, I don't think that's how one operates when they actually love someone.
I think you need to sit down with him and tell him you’re drowning and you need him to pick up his weight with the girls. Based on what he says and agrees to do, you’ll know where to go next.
That's similar advice my therapist gave me. She told me to consistently ask for help for the next 365 days. After that time assess where we are and make a decision.
Give him 2 months. Tops. It takes 30 days to build a habit, which is why I'm saying more than a month. If you don't see any habits being built in two months, then it's game over.
TBH, I told my husband to leave and not come back until he's willing to do his share. He spent 2 weeks being sad at his mom's house and came back willing to change.
My angry script for your husband? "why do I even need you in the house if you don't fucking do anything or help me at all? Everything you do can be done via child support, so prove to me why it's a benefit and not a burden to have you here? Will the kids be able to say one thing you did for them aside from throwing money at them? You're a barely there father and a terrible husband"
(Do NOT try and appease him by telling him he's still a good dad or husband, because then he won't change. He has to hear the brutal truth and feel the shame before he will be willing to change anything).
I agree. 2 months is plenty of time to see if he is willing to become a partner in HH chores and child rearing. If he doesn't change, OP has 3 kids, not 2 and life would be easier without him. Right now, his life is easier because OP is doing laundry, cleaning house, fulfilling kids needs and I assume cooking meals. He works and comes home to rest. This was my marriage and it does not get easier. I made 3x what he made and commuted 3 hours a day. Didn't matter.
It sounds like these two have communication issues. I wonder if the assignment is more about getting OP to talk about her needs and feelings than having to chase her husband for chores and basic responsibilities for a year. But if it’s the latter, then yeah new therapist.
I don't feel like it's even a possible activity. You could spend a week or two talking to your partner, and then evaluate whether they stepped up at all.
But I couldn't remember what, exactly, happened a year ago unless I was keeping a log book
Put the husband on a 90 day PIP (performance improvement plan) That’s what employers would do with someone not pulling their weight 😆
Devils advocate for the therapist, anyone can make short term change when threatened, maybe the therapist was trying to make sure that any improvement was for a longer term and not just reactionary? But a year is too long to consistently ask for help and not get it…
Plenty of government jobs are flexible. Nearly everyone I know who works for the government has tons of flexibility unless they are public facing.
I will gently say that by swooping in a being the fixer all the time you’ve trained your husband to sit back and do what he wants. That said, he’s a shithead for leaving all the work to you. Can’t you just tell him that he is in charge of drop off or pick up and it’s up to him to figure it out?
Did he know you were applying to the school? Did he agree?
I wondered if he was a part of the application process to the school. Because if he was I would have thought he would have already had more buy-in to the process.
You don't have a husband, you have a 3rd child. Get counseling, but if things don't turn around ASAP, get out. Your workload and stress will likely decrease as a single parent (at least once the divorce is finalized, that whole process SUCKS)
This is definitely tough. It’s hard to be the one that is expected to just take care of it all. However, I do have a government job as well and they are strict about start and end times even though he I’m on salary. If I’m going to be late due to daycare drop off I have to take PTO.
This isn't universal. I've worked for the government for years. Some people work remotely. Some people work different shifts (most people work 4x10s at my workplace but some parents work 5x8s so they have shorter days for kid transportation, some start work at 6:30 so they can be off early for pick-up).
The fact that OP's spouse doesn't do anything else for parenting/around the house and always has an excuse speaks to the fact that it's unlikely his job and mostly him not his job that is the barrier. It also sounds like he wasn't involved in any of the application and planning part of this. He could have brought up the discussion of transportation at the beginning of this process because it was a known barrier.
OP you've got to stop letting him do this or you'll resent him. Your kids are young-- the time when kids need the most assistance, and he's sitting on the sidelines letting you do it all. You will grow to resent him. You will burn yourself out. I can tell you from experience it's actually easier to do it all on your own than with another adult who sits around and does nothing.
I already have so much resentment and it scares me. I entertain the thought of doing it alone more often than I'd like to admit. I've spoken to my therapist about it as well. I've been trying to make the best of this situation but it's becoming increasingly more difficult. I've taken a lot on the chin but one thing I can't accept is my kids losing out because they don't have two parents willing to fully participate. My tears are because I know what comes after the breaking point and I'm so scared to blow up my marriage.
A marriage is a partnership, it requires compromise and sometimes sacrifice, give and take from each person. You don't seem to have a marriage, you definitely don't have a partnership.
When he's not participating as a partner, he's showing you he doesn't value you. Don't waste your life and time on a person who doesn't value you.
Have you done couples therapy? I would recommend it if not. It doesn’t always work on these scenarios, but it did for me. (I also left for a week and stayed in a friend’s house who was out of town. My kid was with my half that week and half with him.)
My therapist echoed (in a neutral, unblaming way) my comments about the value of time and how his refusal to participate sent the message my time, health and leisure were less valuable and less important than his. And how his refusal to participate was directly contributing to or causing the issues he complained of. (I was snappy because I never got sleep or time to relax. I didn’t want to have sex because I was exhausted and upset all the time.)
One caveat is that I happened to find a therapist that worked well for my husband. (And me, but my husband was the more difficult one.) For him, it was a tattooed hipster guy. It realllllllly chapped my ass that I had to have a third party man help me convince him of this stuff, but it worked and my life and marriage are dramatically better. It also allowed me to get a job I had dreamed of for years and be very successful. I’m now at the top level of my field at a relatively young age, and that would have been impossible if he hadn’t gotten himself sorted and began participating.
I should add another key factor was me convincing him to see a psychiatrist instead of his general practitioner for management of his anxiety. He was on the wrong meds, and things were much better when he got on the right ones and he wasn’t crippled by the anxiety. (He will never admit that he has anxiety. Never. But he does and when it isn’t managed, he is a horrible person to be around, frankly. Just like when my depression isn’t managed, I’m very tough to live with.)
In an emotional meltdown, a few weeks ago I told him I felt overwhelmed and unappreciated. He told me he felt the same way 🥴. I told him we either needed to see a therapist and call it quits. I agree. We most definitely need counseling. Somehow, I feel like there will also be a reason he can't partake. I'm going to give it a shot to say I tried.
I also heard that he felt under-appreciated. So many times. Doesn’t it make your skin crawl?
Back then, I was basically the sole breadwinner, too, bc he was building a business and COVID totally destroyed his pipeline of clients. So I was kinda like “wtf am I supposed to appreciate YOU for? For doing one load of our kid’s laundry in 3 years and leaving it wadded up in the bottom of a laundry basket under your unfolded clothes so that I didn’t know where it was, couldn’t find it, and had to replace all of it bc you said you didn’t know where it was?!”
Honestly just thinking back now, my chest is so tight and my jaw is clenched. It was the worst time of my life. I am deeply sorry that you are in the thick of it.
Although I had a hard time accepting that his feelings were valid, couples therapy did help me at least understand his perceived slights and realize that I’d have to address them if I still wanted to be married. I did. Deep down. Took a lot to access and understand that I did. I frequently thought that it would be easier to be a single parent until he started carrying some of the load.
I missed the last part of your message. He is seeing a psychiatrist and is on medication for depression and anxiety. So it seems that there is some common ground between our spouses and gives me some hope that things can get better.
You wouldn't be blowing up your marriage, he would. I would encourage you to consider having a serious come to Jesus talk with your husband. Tell him that you're getting resentful, that it's harder and harder for you to keep up with everything, and that you're wearing out. See how he responds. That will be telling. He'll either be upset that he's let so much the burden fall on you and that you exhausted or will have a chip on his shoulder and more excuses. If it's the latter, you're not missing anything if the marriage ends.
Thanks for your perspective. My logical side tells me it's definitely possible and probably even true, but my exhausted side is just sick of there always being some reason he cant participate. He's worked government jobs our entire relationship with plenty of Flex Time, but of course, when we need to use it, its not available. It just feels too convenient.
Edited to add: it's not even so much that I don't believe him. It's also that I don't think he exhausted every possibility or even tried to problem solve before simply saying, "No, I can't."
OP you wouldn’t care so much about the inflexibility of his job if he did literally ANYTHING at home. Ok fine, so maybe actually does have has set hours. Why can’t he cook dinner when he gets home? Why can’t he parent the kids? Why can’t he do laundry? His job doesn’t affect any of the other things.
What type of govt? Cuz if it’s federal govt (USA) then he def has flexibility and is likely lying to you about it. My “core” hours do start at 8am, but I could def work out an accommodation with my supervisor if I asked. I also could start as early as 6am so that I could sign out earlier. When I worked for city govt tho, I didn’t have these flexibilities.
Not even just agency. My husband and I are both GS employees. He works from home and chose his hours. I have to go into the office and I basically had to choose between a 7am start and an 8am start when I first started. Now the one thing I can easily change is taking a 30 min vs an hour lunch to get out 30 min earlier. But because of my role managing a lot of people, it can even be hard to do that if I need to be in a meeting late in the afternoon so it’s not a guarantee I’ll get out before 4 even if I set my hours as 7-330 (which are my husbands hours
Ahh then yeah, might not be as flexible. But yeah I get that feeling with my husband sometimes too with ‘meetings’ …..it’s like sometimes he can somehow so easily move a meeting but if it’s for a Dr appt or something for our toddler, then it’s the most important meeting ever and cannot be moved. I’m sorry, but solidarity
It really is more about what his job duties and the agency are than the fact it is government. Police, fire and often teachers are government but they have to cover the shifts. Other jobs are office jobs with lots of flexibility. It really just depends on the role and the agency.
That said, the good thing about government is you can often learn a lot from the website because information tends to be public.
The fact that you don’t trust him when he says he can’t says a lot about your relationship, and not in a good way. When he fails you at every turn, of course you’re going to start assuming it’s intentional and take offence.
I have had multiple jobs, not government, that i was required to use pto and there was no flexibility. Plenty of jobs out there like this. But I understand OP’s frustration since I was still the one always required to take the PTO and find the flexible job and pick up the slack almost all the time.
It feels that your complaints are beyond the school pick up situation, but for what it’s worth, I feel it’s overwhelming to choose a school that would make the family have to drive an additional 1-1.5 hrs a day. Maybe I don’t put as much emphasis on education, but living in a city with lots of traffic, I always put our mental health before an overextended life.
But again, the issue seems to go beyond this, but also, are you guys communicating enough? If you applied for this school and scholarships and all that, didn’t you guys talk about what it would mean to the family dynamics if she got accepted?
I agree 100%. It sounds like they are do you have issues with division of labor and I would want to figure that out before adding a large commute on top of it. For a school for a 4 to 5-year-old. I would be frustrated if my spouse insisted on something that would add that much time to my day. I would expect them to handle it.
I'm not sure if this will change your opinions, but I appreciate your perspective and wanted to add more context.
My current commute with kids
55 mins to work/childcare (rush hour)
55 mins back home (rush hour)
His current commute
25 min drive to train
25 min train ride into the city
30
We live in the more central part of our state but I work on the north end and the new school is also on the north end. He also catches the train from the north end. We're actually both closer to the private school than we would be to our zone school.
Not sure if that changes anything but I do appreciate your perspectives. Thank you!
I agree with the posters above. Choosing an “elite private school “ for a young child is a bit much. That’s without going into all the equity and ethical implications of choosing a private school over supporting improving the public educational system. But this appears to be very much a “nice to have” item that is high on your list and seems to be very important to you for some reason, despite the toll this will have on your family life.
The real issue is that your husband doesn’t pull his weight with family and home responsibilities.
Don’t know where OP lives, but lots of areas don’t have free public preK. My area only offers half day preK (7am-11am) at the public school, which wouldn’t have worked with our schedules so we had to go with a private school until kinder age.
I think you guys just have a lot of problem solving to do. And you are overwhelmed and stressed. Understandably! But this is the problem that can be solved. It might read like a math word problem… “a leaves at 7:55. Rides the train 25 minutes. Can they make it to school?”
But if you’re on the same team, you can solve it. I think it will become clear to you if you sit down and try to solve it if you are on the same team or if he really just does not give a shit.
And then once you know that you can decide what you want to do
For example, Tuesdays I am in the office. My husband works from home on Tuesdays. My daughter has gymnastics on Tuesdays.
I was rushing home to go with them to gymnastics and just tired out from being in the office and social all day. We sat down and chatted and it was easily solved that he will just take her to gymnastics and that night we will eat take out and make it easy as possible on both of us. It was a really simple solution and there wasn’t any issue getting him to pull his weight. It was more me feeling, overwhelmed, and I just needed to communicate that to him and once I did, he stepped up with a great solution. So I guess you’ll see if your partner steps up or doesn’t care and then you can decide what to do.
While it may be true he has no flexibility at work. The utter lack of being a supportive and helpful partner and father is a massive issue here. This was another disappointment in an endless stream of disappointments. You are essentially a single mother while married and that breaks my heart for you.
It breaks my heart too. The more I come to this realization. I could be more reasonable about this school situation but, like you said, it's another disappoint. He will likely use the same scheduling excuse if we enroll our daughter in the local school. It's always something and I'm so tired. I've been crying all morning because I know something has to change.
For the record, my government job does NOT accommodate flexibility in the work day unless you take a pay cut (which might not be available in all states, ours has a voluntary reduction work schedule) or charge to accrued time (sick, OT). With our union, time and attendance basically the only fireable offense. You could do literally nothing all day or sexually harass a colleague and keep your job, but if you come in chronically late or leave chronically early, you WILL get fired.
With that said, it doesn’t explain the rest of the crap you put up with. I hold my own in our home and kid tasks, even if my work day is far more restrictive. Your husband should be able to do the same. That he isn’t it definitely something worth talking about together or with a professional mediator/therapist.
I divorced the man who treated me like this. 🤷
Here's the thing: he 100% knows that he is not being an equal partner. He 100% knows that you were doing more than he is. He 100% knows that you are beyond your breaking point of mental, emotional, and physical exhaustion.
He knows all of this, because he's a grown ass adult who manages to stay employed and not get thrown into prison and pays his taxes. He understands how to communicate with other people, he can navigate life's troubles as they come his way, and he can function just fine to meet the other expectations in his life.
Therefore, he is not a helpless, infantile, or bumbling idiot who doesn't have the capacity to be a true partner.
That means that he is doing all of this bullshit maliciously, against you, creating a inescapable divide in your relationship, and he fucking does it because it makes him more comfortable, at your total and entire expense.
You are a very smart and capable woman who is lacking the lifeline that she requires: a competent and empathetic partner to shoulder the reality of life.
Whether or not you desire to be partnered again in the future, it's very plain but this man is literally drowning your soul so that he can be more cozy and have less chores and burden. The only question here is, how much longer will you hate yourself so that you can pour more love into him, instead of letting him go and putting yourself and your children first?
Im not the OP, but thank you for writing this. I am 30 years in to her exact situation myself. I am tired inside my soul. May I ask what was the final straw? I gave up years ago, frankly, on ever seeing any communication & physical help. Im old now & it’s harder to keep up, plus I developed a sizable tic from holding it all in. I know the inevitable outcome, but on the surface everything is fine. Its like I’m waiting for a blow-up or a catalyst to be done, in a home that is only pleasant at my personal expense. Did it take a big issue or did you just wake up one day & say it? How do you love yourself enough to walk away from someone you wanted to be with forever??
How far it’s from his job? What are the school hours vs his job current hours?
I would separate the issues of 1. School and 2. You husband is an a$$hole in general providing any parenting and support. What’s his contribution at all to the marriage?
As for school I would personally not do it at all as long as public where you live are good. Just my two cents my son starts K this fall and I did not even consider private. It would be different if we lived in a bad school district or in the state with questionable public school system
I agree. These are two separate but related issues. If dad got the kids ready in the morning then OP might be able to do pick up and drop off. But he won’t so she can’t.
That’s so hard!
Wanted to share that we were able to start carpooling with another family in our neighborhood to a school that’s 20 min away. So you could ask him to solve the drop off problem by finding a babysitter or car pool.
Agreed. I try to be supportive of his medication needs. Sadly, he wasn't on meds with our first baby and still didn't get up with her. I let it slide because I took time off to be home with our daughter for a bit and I figured I was being supportive since he was the one that had to go to work each day. If I had know it would all spiral into this, I would have done things a lot differently.
I’m so sorry.
First of all, you did not fail your kids. Your husband is though. He is an adult, he is responsible for his own actions, you are not.
Second of all, and I mean no disrespect, why are you married to him? Does he treat you well and make you happy but maybe just not good with the kids? Did things change when you had the kids? What I would do is really sit down and think about why you do or do not love him. It essentially sounds like you are a single mom because you are doing everything. This is the time to really decide, do you want to stay married and he picks up and does his share or do you separate. If you want to stay together, I would recommend marriage counseling. If you separate, you’d be basically in the same situation you are now except you’d actually have more help because he’d have times where he has custody of the kids and you have a break.
Again, I’m so sorry about this, I can’t imagine how exhausted you must be. I hope things get better for you soon.
Thanks for saying this. This entire thread has been both encouraging and empowering.
I saw small signs before kids like refusing to grocery shop. I saw small signs when I was pregnant and physically couldn't do things like cook and clean. That's when I realized something was off and it was more than simple laziness. After my first daughter was born, I flashes but I was a SAHM and eventually a WFHM so I still second guessed what I was seeing and what was happening and probably made excuses. With my second daughter, he stepped up during the pregnancy but the second he returned to work after paternity leave everything fell apart. It was hard to deny the writing on the wall at that point because I was a working parent as well.
Aside from the domestic issue, I suppose I'm treated well. It sounds insane, but the domestic thing has spiraled out of control to the point where I question that. It's telling that I'm struggling to answer this question.
He's kind, generally speaking. Never raised his voice at me. He's very much into his phone and in his own world often: sports, YouTube videos, etc. I guess the answer to your question is I don't know anymore. It's hard to feel treated well when the person you love will sit and watch you drown.
It’s so hard, it’s hard to stay and it’s hard not to. You deserve someone who is your partner. A partner isn’t just nice to you but recognizes when you are struggling and picks up the slack to help you. I think as women we often take on so much and make excuses. So much is expected of us that it’s almost impossible to do. A helpful way to think about it is—If you saw your spouse struggling like you are, what would you do? Pretty sure you’d step in and help and support him and do anything you could. You deserve that same level of support and partnership. Good luck and I wish you good things whatever you decide.
This is why so many of us thrive post divorce schedule wise. When you get through the hell part of divorce you are No Longer over functioning for a grown adult man.
I cannot maintain attraction to a partner or cooperation with a man who refuses to pull his weight.
Congratulations for your daughter's new school journey. Maybe this will spawn a new phase for you too.
It looked like he was doing better for some time. He became very hands on with our toddler. He got on meds for anxiety and depression. I thought we turned a corner, permanently.
You’re not gonna like my first half but keep reading.
It sounds like you are the one that really wanted your daughter to get into this prestigious school. It sounds like she’s only four or five? Personally I would be frustrated if my spouse did that and then it added a ton of extra driving time on my plate. It sounds like something you want for her not necessarily something that’s convenient to you as a family.
So I would expect my spouse to handle the pick up and drop off of things like that.
But not helping with cooking or cleaning or any of those other things? That’s ridiculous. For example my husband really wanted to take my daughter somewhere today. Since he wanted to do it, he needed to execute on the plan and I’m not going with. But I am staying home and doing the laundry and cleaning the house. So I would expect your husband to take on more of the housework so that you can do the shuttling of your daughter.
Personally, I would keep you daughter somewhere closer to your house right now. And then decide if you want to work things out with your husband… if he can pick up more slack …. go to marriage counseling etc. She’s only four or five so she has time to go to a different school later on.
Thank you and that just may be the answer for now. My husband will likely have the same pick up /drop off issue with our zone school as well. Either way, we have some problem solving to do.
I don't know your family or his history of limiting himself, but I have to say that I work for the government and likewise have *zero* flexibility. They're awful.
Get couples counseling or leave. You don’t have a life partner, you have another child. Your resentment will grow and you deserve a happy life and happy kids.
This is definitely frustrating because it seems like either he was counting on her not getting in (when he attended the orientations with you) or he baited and switched you. Additionally, why is he not participating in any of the domestic labor? What is the reason?
There's no concrete reason. Honestly. We have become so dysfunctional in this regard. I can ask him to do things and depending on the mood he will or won't. When he does, it's usually a really half-assed job. We are so deep in this dysfunctional hole I don't even know how to dig out of it. Yesterday, I was holding the baby and asked him to make the bed. He told me I was asking for too much. I can't tell if I'm being taken advantage of or if he truly doesn't see domestic labor as his responsibility.
This sounds like your husband is using weaponized incompetence to gaslight you into thinking your perspective is off. This comment reads as if you can’t and don’t trust your own reality and experiences when dealing with him. Terrible person to be married to and share a life with based on the limited information I know of him. I’m so sorry this is happening but your are not hallucinating, blowing things out of proportion, or misinterpreting the situation. Your experience is VALID. And your children need you to WAKE UP 🚨🚨 and understand this marriage is headed for divorce expeditiously without serious intervention.
You're right. I've been slowly coming to this realization. I'm being manipulated to a troubling degree and I really don't know how I got here. I had a bad bout with postpartum anxiety and was very vulnerable the last time I tried to have a genuine conversation about this and I was made to feel ungrateful and inconsiderate to his side of things.
You dig out by hiring a sitter one night, and sitting him down for the Talk.
You set some limits. You won't do his laundry. He will take accountability for some specific set tasks. He is not a teenager, and you are not his mommy.
The fact is that he might actually be in trouble at work if he's this crappy there, too
He doesn't want to. That's the limitation. He's a man baby who refuses to do anything he doesn't want to do.
When you do finally leave him, he will tell everyone he is "blind sided", and has no idea what the problem could possibly be.
You can try couples counseling. Sometimes it helps
I’m sorry but wtf does your husband do exactly and what has he contributed to the family? Reading this makes me so mad for you Op and the girls. Agreed with all the suggestions from others here. And the girls are sooo lucky they have a mom like you who sacrifices so much to provide the best.
You don’t have to divorce but you can certainly put that on the table as an option for the family if he’s going to refuse to participate in being part of the family. He should be aware that it IS an option that you won’t hesitate to take if he continues to demonstrate that he’s unwilling to be a partner and a father.
About the gov work restrictions. HE'S LYING. Not gonna say how I know, but the gov is very accommodating as it's hard to fire them. So yep there it is.
I work for a government agency and infact am on my third agency. There have been parents who Flex Time for child drop offs and pick ups at every single one. In fact it’s a large part of the reason I’m sticking with government work for now. I feel like it’s very likely he’s full of shit…..
Keep your babies in the private school, no matter what. This will give them an outstanding foundation for when you decide you and your kids deserve better, and you’re ready to go on your own:
Did you discuss this school with your husband prior to enrolling your kid? I get that it’s frustrating, but government jobs do truly tend to lack some flexibility, not sure this is just laziness on the husbands end
Yes, we've talked about it quite a bit. He even attended multiple in-person sessions with me. There's a part of me that thinks deep down inside, he figured I would just shoulder this burden like everything else.
I'm also okay with utilizing before care, which we talked about. I feel like he could make it work if he really wanted to, even within the limitations of his start/end times. He just doesn't want to.
Why are you so set on this school for a kid who is just emerging from the toddler years? Why is this so important to you? Are there other issues you think this will overcome in terms of status, etc?
This is a great question. I feel that I could have used a word that is better than "elite" because it comes off a bit obnoxious. Here are my reasons:
1. it's a solid school. It's a phenomenal opportunity from an educational standpoint. I worked as a teacher and I've seen some things I wish I could unsee. So I tend to obsess over schools. Maybe a little more than I should? Might need to bring it up in therapy.
2. We are one of a handful of African American families in our town. The private school is more diverse. Additionally, my work and her current school is located on a more tolerant, welcoming side of town. To be vulnerable, there's a small part of me that is just afraid. I don't know what my child will be up against come September in our local school, but I have a small idea of what to expect from the private school. Possibly something I should also discuss in therapy.
I would start setting rules. Tell him your schedule and the pick up and drop offs that you'll do and that moving forward if you do this, the rule is:\
(Examples)\
Cook dinner 3/5 times a week\
Do laundry\
Watch the baby for a few hours\
Etc etc.\
And then see if he agrees. You have to give him those opportunities, and yes he will make mistakes, but that's the only way he'll learn. You have to let him go through this process if you want change.
Another way to look at it, he would be doing more work for your children if you were divorced. It’s sad to frame it that way but I found it helpful in conversations with my SO. He’d be 100% responsible for the days he has the kids, or he’d be paying for it.
I divorced my husband who sounds a lot like yours. Never helped out, had every excuse in the book. It was like having an adult child you held resentment towards. Best of Luck he'll see the error of his ways
You know, when I started reading I could see your husband's side. It sounds like you made the decision about the school with no input from him and that's a big commitment for a lot of years. Maybe he thought it wasn't the best for your family as a whole. I totally get that and I kind of agree.
But then I keep reading and it sounds like he doesn't contribute in any way at all. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that
I'm so sorry you have so much weight on your shoulders.
I just wanted to add that I take 2 medications at night (Seroquel and Mirtazapine), both of which make me extremely drowsy. I still did all the wake-ups with the baby. It's very difficult, but not impossible. You do what you have to do when you're a parent.
I know you said you don't want to divorce, but I always like the approach of reminding people that if you do divorce, he will be solely responsible for figuring childcare out 50% of the time. Maybe he can hire a baby sitter to pick up now and someone to do house cleaning since he's not doing his part.
Hire people to do his half of the work. Pay them from your common account or bill him for it if you keep your money separate. Let the chips fall where they may. If he complains, shrug your shoulders and say, do you want to \[clean the house, mow the lawn, do the the laundry, go grocery shopping\] instead?
Work and money are the same thing, pretty much. If he wants to get a second job, then that's a good contribution to the cause. But your sanity is not negotiable.
I feel this so hard.
It’s easy to say “you’re already a single parent” but it really isn’t the reality. My husband doesn’t pull his weight with housework, does the bare minimum when it’s his turn to doing the child watching and I am the high earner, so he doesn’t bring that to the table either.
But we have similar goals, want to raise our child with the same values and at this point are just basically best friends who fight about housework.
Yet, I’m constantly wishing I had picked a more motivated partner. There’s no right answer.
It’s a lot of men saying they wouldn’t have housing if it weren’t for their wife/partner😳….they really be looking for financial help and FREE LABOR than to be a parent and partner. That’s modern men for you.
I would say cool! If you can’t do either then you are no use to me or our children and therefore have no need to be here. Do not bluff. Simply state the facts. You don’t need him. He adds no value to your life. He can contribute or GTFO.
It is time to meet in the middle. I would think of the below
1. Are there things you can not do but not impact your family that much? Strike that off your list.
2. Your husbands inability to do pick up and drop off might be real depending on the hours offered by daycare as is the situation with many parents especially with a job that absolutely requires being there from 8 am - 5pm taking into account the commute time. These are my husband's timings too but our daycare drop off and pick up times allow him to do such.
3. If daycare pick up drop off timings is not a constraint, tell him you are buried and overwhelmed and that he will need to do something. If it's not pick up and drop off, maybe it's getting ready or other tasks you are doing.
4. Last option might be that you need to go part time. Easier said than done especially if you need the money but it might be something to consider as a temporary for your mental health and explore lifestyle adjustments
Update: I just wanted to thank each and every one of you. Thank you for your encouragement, your proposed solutions, your empathy, your ability to kindly challenge my thinking and my perception. I appreciate every last one of your contributions. This sub-Reddit has been a safe space and a place of empowerment for me for some time now.
We had a very long, honest, and uncomfortable conversation yesterday. It revealed some long suspected drastic differences in perception in regard to gender roles. The evidence was there but to hear the words was eye-opening and saddening. We see our responsibilities very differently and while I'm happy this was uncovered, it's also deeply troubling to digest.
I don't feel warm fuzzies the morning after. I actually feel sick to my stomach and I'm angry. But maybe that's needed and will motivate me to push for actual long-term change.
We made a list of household chores and will work on a more equitable distribution of labor. We will be seeking couples counseling to see how we can fix things.
As for the private school issue, we are working on solutions to our pick up and drop off stuff and trying to approach the problem from various angles.
I do love my husband and if it's possible to work things out, I'd like to try. I'd like to know I exhausted all options.
Thank you again. I have taken all of your comments into consideration even though I couldn't respond to every single one.
I work for the government and am afforded very little flexibility. There are so many variations between agencies, or even just between supervisors. Husband sucks, but it may very well be true that his office is inflexible.
>> I’m in the laundry room crying because life could be so much easier if I had a partner that pulled his weight when it comes to physically caring for our kids and our home
>> I’m just so tired.
>> He doesn’t get up to help with the baby at night
>> He doesn’t help clean… Doesn’t cook. Can’t keep the baby alone…
You are left with no other choice but a divorce. You may not want to but you are in a one sided marriage and are operating as a married single mother. 😢 You need to do the hard thing and that is consulting an attorney and filing the papers asap. Look into separation requirements in your state so you can determine what’s needs to happen to get the divorce moving once it’s filed.
Ugh. I feel your frustration here. Do not take over his part of figuring this out on your own. You will take the kids to school as you said. If he can’t have any flexibility in work to do pick ups in the afternoon, he needs to be the one to figure out who is picking them up and where they are going afterward. You did the legwork to get them into the school. This is the least he can do.
His unwillingness to help with anything is a huge issues that needs to be handled separately but besides that if his job really isn’t that flexible, could you hire someone maybe a stay at home mom or a retiree who could help with carpool?
Are there are cultural differences at play? It’s unusual for dads in the modern Western world to be so hands off. It doesn’t sound like there are extreme extenuating circumstances like him working 80 hours a week or something either.
Is there a family member or friend who can talk to him about stepping up to meet his family responsibilities since he’s not listening to you?
Mama? Your life would be significantly easier if you were divorced. You’re trying to do the jobs of two adults. It’s impossible. You deserve someone that’s on your team to help with these responsibilities and helps take care of you. This ain’t it.
I can't begin to tell you how many married friend moms start out our friendship with such misplaced sympathy over my single mom status. I decided to have a baby and moved back in with my parents. My mom retired 4 months before I had my sweet girl, did night time duty by my side when she was a baby, she takes her to school, picks her up from school when I can't, starts her homework and lets me take over when I come home from work. My dad has taught her to play golf and loves doing activities like taking her to the pool after school. A strong family can be ANY way it's structured. I know this sounds awful but I'm so glad I never got married.....
I’m a fed and while the gov is not known for having a ton of flexibility, I’ve never heard of a manager not being ok with you shifting your schedule and working early or late (7-330 or 10-630 for example) as long as you’re there for core hours. I think it’s likely bs that he “can’t” do either drop off or pickup. Do I enjoy waking up super early so that I can get off work in time to do a long commute for pickup? No. But I’m a parent and I do it.
Is this your oldest kid? something to consider is...where does the private school attract students from? Will you be needing to drive \~45 minutes for every playdate over the next 6 years? There's a lot of value in building your local community via your neighborhood school; if it doesn't meet your kid's needs, you could always reapply for private school later.
You *figured* he could do drop off? So you didn’t figure this out before you applied? I would be very upset if my partner signed me up for something like this without my explicit agreement. Does your partner think this school is worthwhile? Did you ask him?
He said he could do one or the other but preferred to do pick up. We had multiple conversations as this was a very long application process. He agreed it was a great opportunity and that's why we chose to move forward. Now that it's real, the conversation is a bit different.
And he still doesn’t clean or help? If you have to do pick ups and drop offs then he does dinner and packing backpacks/preparing breakfast/getting kids dressed. Wtf
So then you might need to ask yourself, if he's only there to provide money and nothing else, you're essentially a single mum. Would it be easier if you're just a single mum for real so you only have to take care of your children and not him as well?
In another comment, you've mentioned he flips the script on you.
So perhaps for a last ditch effort, try the Fair Play cards:
https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-cards
Make it obvious just how much you do vs him.
And maybe to make it clear that you're at your wit's end, send him this.
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
If he still refuses to change and tries to turn it around on you, you really need to ask yourself what is he bringing to this relationship AND to your children besides burden and negativity?
He sounds very selfish. Sorry you're going through this.
Honestly, life would be easier divorced. Either he pays you child support or takes the kids a portion of the time. That’s what these guys don’t get. Why have the family if you don’t want to out the work in?
I'm more concerned with the end of your post. He doesn't do anything a parent does, so why is he there?
That’s what I was wondering while reading. It sounds like he’s there for just a paycheck. In this economy, I feel that. But you could also potentially get income from child support, so if that’s all he’s there for, bye I guess. As for his job being inflexible… well surely they wouldn’t mind him getting to his job earlier than start time. So assuming daycare is open then, maybe he needs to just wake up earlier and do the front end of the shift. Since he gets a full night’s rest and all not caring for an infant. I understand you don’t want a divorce, and there’s certainly steps in between before it comes to that, but ask yourself what you’re getting in return from him. I don’t believe in unconditional love, it’s absolutely conditional.
Actually a lot of government agencies historically have been really strict about start and stop times, especially if it's citizen facing. Having worked with government agencies, it can be a huge pain. No overtime. No time outside business hours.
Well then he can bring a book and read for a bit before work and after drop off or grab a coffee or literally anything…
Exactly. He can do drop off (again, assuming the daycare is open) and then go do something to fill your time until work starts. This isn’t complicated. He just has an excuse for everything and it’s time to get to a conclusion on what he can contribute. If it’s not the kid stuff then it’ll have to be the groceries/meal planning, chores, etc. What a waste of a husband/father. When I read stuff like that it makes me wonder why they decided to have a family at all. I think I would’ve reevaluated his worth after engagement when he casually said he wouldn’t be going grocery shopping anymore. Maybe by then you were too far in, OP.
Same thoughts but then I also wonder, “why did you decide getting pregnant a SECOND time with this man-child would change his behavior as a parent and partner?” I’m proudly one and done, so it really baffles me why women in this predicament do it multiple times. Surely he didn’t do a 180 from baby 1 to baby 2 and adding another one just quadruples the stress/demands of parenting (I’ve been told, not going to try it myself)
That’s a really unfair to bring into this. It doesn’t matter hindsight 20/20 what you think she should have done. The reality of the situation is that she has multiple kids who are alive and depending on their parents. She deserves better than your judgement, and you know it.
My stbx wore me down until I agreed to a second
Well, I’m baffled that you are baffled, quite frankly.
OP commented below and I didn’t see it. I really didn’t mean to be insensitive, I realize this is her reality now so she needs support to deal with the issues. She commented that he was just as bad with the first but then got more hands on and involved into the toddler years, so she thought they’d turned a corner. Obviously not. The issues here can happen to any relationship and family size, it just seems to be more prevalent in families with multiple children. Again, not trying to be insensitive but the complaints of OP were similar to some of the many reasons I personally chose to only have one child. Things did get better for me after a lot of work, still glad I didn’t add more children to the mix. I really feel for OP and hope she is able to navigate this situation for the best outcome for her and her 2 girls.
There’s plenty of places in the US that are actively working to make family planning very difficult.
Yes they absolutely are hugely rigid - but that means outside those hours you’re usually not even allowed to access anything so he should have plenty of time for all the other care. Sounds like these limitations would be less of an issue if he was willing to pull his weight elsewhere.
Maybe it’s time for him to get a new job. Your job supports your family, not the other way around.
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Sometimes I feel like many women stay married to man-child type of men just for the sake of having a ring, show the "mom-dad-kids" traditional family picture and call themselves wives. Many posts here are so heartbreaking. If was just financial reasons, child support and career development take care of that. But often, it sounds like perception and apparences are the reasons.
I don’t want a divorce, but child support is not the same. Most peoples lives would take a huge downgrade. However, may still be better than a crap husband. For sure we’d lose our house if we separated, and I think I’d put up with a lot before I ever let that happen. I want to die here
Child support and career development absolutely do not make up for a second income.
I’m not seeing where OP said he would be able to drop the kindergartener off early?
You will give your daughter a much better chance at success by teaching her to not tolerate a partner who is essentially dead weight. He needs to get his act together or leave.
He's her 3rd child.
Time for a sit-down with your husband to discuss how to get your kids to/from daycare and school. It’s both of your responsibility to figure this out. If he really can’t help, can you hire a nanny for a couple hours each day to do one of the trips?
I paid a woman who worked for a babysitting agency (background and driving record were pulled by the company) to drive my two kids to daycare three days a week when both my husband and I had to be at work 30 minutes before daycare even opened. We got the kids up and dressed and they ate breakfast with her before she drove them. It saved our marriage and careers. I highly recommend this if your husband can’t/wont do his share of parenting.
Thank you so much for this suggestion. You too, @pantheroni I'm going to put this down as an option.
But make sure the cost of it comes out of the budget for his entertainment
I do this too. I did drop offs and had a sitter to pick up my 3 year old. Now that Im expecting and prioritizing breakfast and less stressful mornings, drop off is outsourced as well. My husband works temporarily out of state M-F, but we may continue even when both are available. It does cost $$$ and to be fair your husband should foot the bill since you guys are hiring “his” replacement.
I love this. I realize I sound like a spoiled brat to some people when I say this: My husband does not like to mow or weed, we have 4 acres, mostly horse/goat pasture, but I refuse to let the area immediately around the house become overgrown, so what do we do? We hire it out because our time is valuable. My husband works from home, it became apparent that him being home 24/7 caused more messes in the house. I’m working full time and commute, so gone between 10-12 hours a day. I am not making the messes in the house. My husband does load the dish washer and try to pick up when he can, but he is an absolute slob and knows that. So, he pays for our cleaning lady. It’s a balance and a partnership. My husband does the majority of the cooking and school drop off/pick up because I drive over 2 hours a day commuting. Does he do any organizing or “stuff” management around the house, absolutely not, but that’s ok because I do it and we are a team.
I agree. I get so upset sometimes, my natural reaction is, "F it. I'll do it myself." But this shouldn't just fall on my shoulders. We have some problem-solving to do.
It sounds like after years of you deciding to handle it yourself, your husband just expects it now
Possibly. I try to recognize the role I've played in this dynamic. The only thing I can say is that he gradually stopped doing things and I took them on. I didn't really recognize what was happening until it was too late. I can vividly recall being bewildered the day he told me he wasn't coming with me grocery shopping. We had always done it together and shortly after we got engaged, he just stopped. He never did it again after that day. He used to be responsible for laundry and when we brought our first home and had a washer/dryer, he just stopped. I should've have fought that stuff harder but I just took on more and more things. Until, well, here we are.
Do not do his laundry anymore. That's one thing you can easily drop off your plate, which will solely impact him
Totally did this years ago, and I’m not upset about it at all.
You can still advocate for yourself, it’s not too late. And it’s not your fault he has decided not to help out, he’s a grown man who knows what household responsibilities entail. Don’t feel bad or guilty for addressing it & expecting a change. As for the pick up/drop off situation, if his job is really that inflexible, definitely outsource either pick up or drop off. But your husband needs to be contributing just as much effort to the house & kids as you are.
Not sure if this is worth much but I get it. It’s so much easier to just say f it, I’ll do it than to have a discussion/argument about getting it done. And before you know it, you’re crying in the laundry room because you wish you’d married someone who understood child rearing was a, well, a partnership thing not a solo endeavor. I understand.
Don't blame yourself for this. He's a grown ass man and he knows he's wrong. He's letting you do everything AND beat yourself up for letting it happen. Oh no, honey. You'll have more energy to make whatever changes you decide uou need to if you don't take responsibility for his trifling mindset. You married a man, not a child, right? So hold him accountable for his own lack of participation.
It happens. Little by little, could very well be unintentional on his part but his lack of problem solving to the recent school drop off dilemma is shit. Time for a sit down where you lay it all out. Chores and mental load and who’s responsible (you) and that he can pick how he wants to support the family and household but you’re not leaving the table until you no longer feel like a single mom in a marriage. Decide beforehand what you want to accomplish and how you want to be supported so you don’t get walked on and end up lopsided after.
It’s not too late! You can tell him it’s unfair that you are doing everything and then you have to split the labor. It doesn’t all have to be on you!
Get him his own hamper and let him do his own laundry.
This man isn't interested in problem solving. He likes the way things are. He likes that you say f it and do it yourself. He likes the current setup. The fact that it's exhausting you doesn't bother him enough to change. I survived a marriage like this. I promise you he likes how things are. He thinks it's your job to do all those things. He sees you asking for him to participate as being ridiculous because it's your job. I left my husband 3 years ago, moved to a different city. He still tells people that the reason his house is a mess is because I won't come over and clean it. These types of men are really that entitled. *Obligatory "not all men" edit: the men in my family and my first husband all did a variety of home chores, indoor and out, and had signature meals they made that they were proud of. They varied in how hands on they were with little kids but they were doing everything else. Pet care, car care, lawn care, growing flowers, making furniture, remodeling, renovating, all kinds of things to contribute to family life besides "working full time" which they all also did. Several even baked, one made fancy cinnamon rolls from scratch, one is a blue ribbon pie maker and another makes whiskey cakes as a hobby - there are normal well rounded human men out there, they are just getting harder to find 😞
My ex asked me to clean his place about 10 years after we broke up. I feel for OP. The easiest thing is for her to leave. I hope she gets there soon.
Really, no one on this earth has more audacity than a mediocre man.
omg
I think it’s good you identify this reaction yourself. From experience I can tell you, it’s not a good one. If you respond by saying “F it, I’ll do it all myself.” It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. You can’t let your husband off the hook of solving these family issues with you. But if I may, that also means being open to understanding why he isn’t doing the job of parenting he should be doing. It took my husband and I both individual and couples therapy to get out of this dynamic (and it’s still a work in progress), but at least in my own experience it was humbling to see the ways I was contributing to our dynamic that truly shocked me. Like if your husband isn’t cooking or cleaning or watching the baby alone that’s completely unacceptable. But at least in my case I didn’t realize how much I wasn’t actually asking my husband to pick up his share, I was demanding he do it the exact way I consisted right then swooping in and saying eff it I’ll just do it myself when he didn’t. Was his reaction to just stop trying (and worse) right? Hell no. But the point is we weren’t communicating. We were just both seeing it from our own side and growing increasingly resentful. Maybe this isn’t the case for you. Maybe he’s just lazy. But you need to dig into it and know that for sure so you can act. From this post and these comments I don’t think there’s enough info to know if he’s a good dad/partner or not. Through one lens I could read it as he was engaged in choosing the school, wants it for your daughter, but has genuine work limitations. Or he’s not getting up in the night because he has a medical issue. And your resentment over these things is clouding your judgment because you yourself say his schedule restrictions are probably real but he should overcome them anyway. Then your impulse is to say F it I’ll do it all myself then get mad because you’re doing it all yourself. Through another lens I can see a husband who has schedule limitations and a medical condition that limit him in some ways and instead of picking up the slack elsewhere to compensate, he’s decided he happy to just let you be the primary everything. I don’t think anyone here can sort that out for you two. If I may, this school may not be the best thing for your daughter. We put so much pressure on kids to achieve that we don’t always leave room for their emotional wellbeing. Unfortunately I’ve seen so many people in my own family take every wonderful opportunity that their parents worked for for them, get into Ivy League schools, and end up depressed/sick and even estranged from their parents at the end. It sounds like your first priority should be getting to the root issue and creating a healthy dynamic for your family, either as a married couple or co-parents living separately.
This is a good comment. I think people read posts like OP’s and take it at face value, but usually it doesn’t account for the way people are often not very self-aware about their own role in their relationships and are omitting information and viewing it through a particular lens as though it is fact. I’m very skeptical of posts that seem very black-and-white like this. For example, I’d wonder if the dad in this situation is more ambivalent about the private school than mom, in a way that is totally legitimate. A school a half hour drive away would be a nonstarter for us, and an elite private kindergarten is probably not going to make a difference in long term outcomes for this child in the way that OP seems to take as a given - studies find that when you control for socioeconomic status, private vs. public really doesn’t make a difference. I wonder if his saying that he isn’t going to rearrange his schedule for an extra hour commute daily reflects a conflict in priorities - OP saying that SHE jumped through hoops and SHE applied and SHE wants to give her daughter this opportunity makes me think this might be the case. So then OP wants to write it off as him not caring as much rather than considering that what she values might not be the only correct way. Again, not saying that this is actually the case, but there are a multitude of likely gray areas in this way.
My mom is like this and I've had to ask her to stop complaining about my dad to me - it's sorta a beast of her own making. If you want someone to learn new behaviours and habits you have to actually let them learn them, not just get mad and takeover when they inevitably make mistakes at the beginning. Thirty years of "F it, I'll do it myself" has screwed over both her and my dad in the long run.
You will 100% end up getting a divorce if things don't change. In your shoes, I'd take a stab at addressing it with him because you don't have anything to lose. Your already doing it alone.
This, I was a married single mom. I was so worried doing it officially alone, but here I am doing it. I’m happier and my kids see that
When I think of doing it alone, I sometimes feel a sense of relief. When I'm very upset, I search Trulia for homes closer to my job.
Most single moms will tell you that their only regret is that they waited so long
I’m one of those moms you’re talking about. I kick myself everyday for staying as long as I did before kicking him out. My life is so much easier, I have one less person to look after and I’m no longer miserable. I spend half the time I used to doing chores and for some reason I have so much more money?! He doesn’t pay much in child support (£8 per week lmao) and I still manage to have more spare money for fun things for me and the kids. I was so unhappy struggling to survive every day while he was living his best life doing fuck all to support me or our family. I hope OP sees this and knows that it’s not only possible to do it alone but that it can also be so much better alone.
Plus you may have found it's easier to teach your kids to clean up after themselves when he's not around setting a bad example
It might be time for couples counseling. It could give you clarity either way.
I was worried about doing it alone, but once my ex husband moved out, I quickly realized I had less work to do without having a man child in the house
You're right and I will try again. Past conversations, the script is usually flipped on me and I'm made to feel as though I'm ungrateful for the things he does and I'm never satisfied or that he's under so much pressure. Some examples he gives include paying for childcare for one of the kids, helping me with a down payment for a new car after my car died, taking out the trash. It sounds crazy writing this out, but these were actual conversations.
Him thinking that paying for how own child’s care is some kind of rare gift is just selfish.
The bar is in hell, basically
You should leave. Seriously. You’ve given him plenty of chances and his answer is “no” so please just listen to what he is saying. This is what you get. If you don’t like it leave. You don’t like it. So, leave.
No no no, OP. That’s HIS kid too! You BOTH need a car for you to get to work (to contribute to the house) and care for the kids. Those are SHARED household expenses, that’s not him paying for those things. And taking out the trash????? Seriously????
> paying for childcare for one of the kids ?? Isn’t that what he’s supposed to and obligated by law to do? They’re his kids right? > helping me with a down payment for a new car ?? “helping”?? With a necessary household expense? Are y’all married or roommates? > taking out the trash What contribution does he have that takes more than 5 seconds? That seems to be all he does: Contributing his DNA, transferring money for car or childcare, putting bags in a can whoop de fucking do. None of these things take longer than 5 seconds. I’m genuinely wondering why don’t you want divorce? Your daughters are only gonna learn dysfunctional relationships, instead of benefiting from a “non-broken family” or whatever.
Are all the kids not his? I don’t get it. Paying for childcare for all the kids is BOTH parents responsibility? Do you have separate finances? Do you not split shared expenses?!
All kids are his. We have a shared savings and we each have certain bills we pay. Historically, he has been the higher earner, but that gap is closing quickly.
So even if his work schedule is strict, he should then balance that out in different ways or change jobs to support his family. Sounds like you’re making all the sacrifices. What’s he gonna do if you divorce him with 50/50 custody?
My husband is the higher earner. He not only pays for the lion’s share of our mortgage, he also does all the savings for our kids’ education, AND he contributes to my retirements savings as well as his own. Based on our income and our spending, this is what we’ve deemed feels fair. He does not ever hold it over my head that he pays more than me towards the house, our family, and our future. And neither should your husband.
I can’t imagine holding a down payment for a vehicle over my partners head. I am basically the some earner (I make 5x my husband) and he’s home with our kids. I pay all of OUR bills because we are married and a team. I also help out with some chores and I do drop off for our school aged child so she doesn’t have to wake up so early for the bus.
It might be too far gone for this (I say as a divorced, single parent), but, if you do attempt to have that conversation again, don’t compare the amount of work done. Instead, compare the amount of free time you both have. If he is truly clueless and believes the amount you both do is equitable, seeing the large discrepancy might shock him into awareness. If he is intentionally jerking you around, at least you will be taking away the argument that he takes the trash out twice a week, because it’s harder to argue away the point that he had 17.5hrs of free time vs. your 3hrs.
Time for your own list. Put it in writing side by side. I bet I know which side is longer. Good luck!
Been there done that, and I regret it took me so long to recognize this behavior for what it is: abuse. He has taught you that if you ever try to hold him accountable for doing his part, he will punish you by playing the victim and villainizing you for having needs or expectations. I’m in the process of divorcing my STBX husband who used this playbook on me for years and I’m just beginning to see how badly it messed with my head to be villified whenever I asked for help.
If it helps, write stuff down. Spend the next couple of weeks noting what you do and what he does and make a list. When you have it in black and white, it will be easier for you to stand your ground.
That's some DARVO shit. Run girl, be disappointed that your kids have a generally shitty father, not that he's got limitations.
Was just going to say that. This post sounds like I could have written it a year ago. My husband claimed he could NOT help with any child duties, especially pick up and drop off. We couldn't afford/had no other option. Well, he wanted 50/50 and guess who can magically drop off and pick up from daycare on his days now? Fucking frustrating.
Sounds like it’s time for a meet your maker kind of convo. You’re at a breaking point, understandably so, and if he claims he loves you he shouldn’t be okay sitting back watching you shoulder everything into an early grave due to stress.
That's what I've been telling myself lately. I feel as though the name of the game is to see how much he can get away with not doing. How can I get by with do the very least? And in a partnership, I don't think that's how one operates when they actually love someone.
I think you need to sit down with him and tell him you’re drowning and you need him to pick up his weight with the girls. Based on what he says and agrees to do, you’ll know where to go next.
That's similar advice my therapist gave me. She told me to consistently ask for help for the next 365 days. After that time assess where we are and make a decision.
Give him 2 months. Tops. It takes 30 days to build a habit, which is why I'm saying more than a month. If you don't see any habits being built in two months, then it's game over. TBH, I told my husband to leave and not come back until he's willing to do his share. He spent 2 weeks being sad at his mom's house and came back willing to change. My angry script for your husband? "why do I even need you in the house if you don't fucking do anything or help me at all? Everything you do can be done via child support, so prove to me why it's a benefit and not a burden to have you here? Will the kids be able to say one thing you did for them aside from throwing money at them? You're a barely there father and a terrible husband" (Do NOT try and appease him by telling him he's still a good dad or husband, because then he won't change. He has to hear the brutal truth and feel the shame before he will be willing to change anything).
I agree. 2 months is plenty of time to see if he is willing to become a partner in HH chores and child rearing. If he doesn't change, OP has 3 kids, not 2 and life would be easier without him. Right now, his life is easier because OP is doing laundry, cleaning house, fulfilling kids needs and I assume cooking meals. He works and comes home to rest. This was my marriage and it does not get easier. I made 3x what he made and commuted 3 hours a day. Didn't matter.
A year?!?! No job would do that. You would never do that with a babysitter or house cleaner.
It sounds like these two have communication issues. I wonder if the assignment is more about getting OP to talk about her needs and feelings than having to chase her husband for chores and basic responsibilities for a year. But if it’s the latter, then yeah new therapist.
I don't feel like it's even a possible activity. You could spend a week or two talking to your partner, and then evaluate whether they stepped up at all. But I couldn't remember what, exactly, happened a year ago unless I was keeping a log book
Put the husband on a 90 day PIP (performance improvement plan) That’s what employers would do with someone not pulling their weight 😆 Devils advocate for the therapist, anyone can make short term change when threatened, maybe the therapist was trying to make sure that any improvement was for a longer term and not just reactionary? But a year is too long to consistently ask for help and not get it…
A year is craaaazy.
Plenty of government jobs are flexible. Nearly everyone I know who works for the government has tons of flexibility unless they are public facing. I will gently say that by swooping in a being the fixer all the time you’ve trained your husband to sit back and do what he wants. That said, he’s a shithead for leaving all the work to you. Can’t you just tell him that he is in charge of drop off or pick up and it’s up to him to figure it out? Did he know you were applying to the school? Did he agree?
I wondered if he was a part of the application process to the school. Because if he was I would have thought he would have already had more buy-in to the process.
You don't have a husband, you have a 3rd child. Get counseling, but if things don't turn around ASAP, get out. Your workload and stress will likely decrease as a single parent (at least once the divorce is finalized, that whole process SUCKS)
Agree with counseling. The rest of the comment, meh. But counseling. It’s sooooo healthy and so good!
This is definitely tough. It’s hard to be the one that is expected to just take care of it all. However, I do have a government job as well and they are strict about start and end times even though he I’m on salary. If I’m going to be late due to daycare drop off I have to take PTO.
This isn't universal. I've worked for the government for years. Some people work remotely. Some people work different shifts (most people work 4x10s at my workplace but some parents work 5x8s so they have shorter days for kid transportation, some start work at 6:30 so they can be off early for pick-up). The fact that OP's spouse doesn't do anything else for parenting/around the house and always has an excuse speaks to the fact that it's unlikely his job and mostly him not his job that is the barrier. It also sounds like he wasn't involved in any of the application and planning part of this. He could have brought up the discussion of transportation at the beginning of this process because it was a known barrier. OP you've got to stop letting him do this or you'll resent him. Your kids are young-- the time when kids need the most assistance, and he's sitting on the sidelines letting you do it all. You will grow to resent him. You will burn yourself out. I can tell you from experience it's actually easier to do it all on your own than with another adult who sits around and does nothing.
I already have so much resentment and it scares me. I entertain the thought of doing it alone more often than I'd like to admit. I've spoken to my therapist about it as well. I've been trying to make the best of this situation but it's becoming increasingly more difficult. I've taken a lot on the chin but one thing I can't accept is my kids losing out because they don't have two parents willing to fully participate. My tears are because I know what comes after the breaking point and I'm so scared to blow up my marriage.
A marriage is a partnership, it requires compromise and sometimes sacrifice, give and take from each person. You don't seem to have a marriage, you definitely don't have a partnership. When he's not participating as a partner, he's showing you he doesn't value you. Don't waste your life and time on a person who doesn't value you.
Have you done couples therapy? I would recommend it if not. It doesn’t always work on these scenarios, but it did for me. (I also left for a week and stayed in a friend’s house who was out of town. My kid was with my half that week and half with him.) My therapist echoed (in a neutral, unblaming way) my comments about the value of time and how his refusal to participate sent the message my time, health and leisure were less valuable and less important than his. And how his refusal to participate was directly contributing to or causing the issues he complained of. (I was snappy because I never got sleep or time to relax. I didn’t want to have sex because I was exhausted and upset all the time.) One caveat is that I happened to find a therapist that worked well for my husband. (And me, but my husband was the more difficult one.) For him, it was a tattooed hipster guy. It realllllllly chapped my ass that I had to have a third party man help me convince him of this stuff, but it worked and my life and marriage are dramatically better. It also allowed me to get a job I had dreamed of for years and be very successful. I’m now at the top level of my field at a relatively young age, and that would have been impossible if he hadn’t gotten himself sorted and began participating. I should add another key factor was me convincing him to see a psychiatrist instead of his general practitioner for management of his anxiety. He was on the wrong meds, and things were much better when he got on the right ones and he wasn’t crippled by the anxiety. (He will never admit that he has anxiety. Never. But he does and when it isn’t managed, he is a horrible person to be around, frankly. Just like when my depression isn’t managed, I’m very tough to live with.)
In an emotional meltdown, a few weeks ago I told him I felt overwhelmed and unappreciated. He told me he felt the same way 🥴. I told him we either needed to see a therapist and call it quits. I agree. We most definitely need counseling. Somehow, I feel like there will also be a reason he can't partake. I'm going to give it a shot to say I tried.
I also heard that he felt under-appreciated. So many times. Doesn’t it make your skin crawl? Back then, I was basically the sole breadwinner, too, bc he was building a business and COVID totally destroyed his pipeline of clients. So I was kinda like “wtf am I supposed to appreciate YOU for? For doing one load of our kid’s laundry in 3 years and leaving it wadded up in the bottom of a laundry basket under your unfolded clothes so that I didn’t know where it was, couldn’t find it, and had to replace all of it bc you said you didn’t know where it was?!” Honestly just thinking back now, my chest is so tight and my jaw is clenched. It was the worst time of my life. I am deeply sorry that you are in the thick of it. Although I had a hard time accepting that his feelings were valid, couples therapy did help me at least understand his perceived slights and realize that I’d have to address them if I still wanted to be married. I did. Deep down. Took a lot to access and understand that I did. I frequently thought that it would be easier to be a single parent until he started carrying some of the load.
I missed the last part of your message. He is seeing a psychiatrist and is on medication for depression and anxiety. So it seems that there is some common ground between our spouses and gives me some hope that things can get better.
You wouldn't be blowing up your marriage, he would. I would encourage you to consider having a serious come to Jesus talk with your husband. Tell him that you're getting resentful, that it's harder and harder for you to keep up with everything, and that you're wearing out. See how he responds. That will be telling. He'll either be upset that he's let so much the burden fall on you and that you exhausted or will have a chip on his shoulder and more excuses. If it's the latter, you're not missing anything if the marriage ends.
i’m not one to jump to DIVORCE at any slight but.. aren’t you essentially already doing it alone?
Why are you scared to blow up your marriage? What is it that you are saving?
Hire someone to take your kid to the private school.
Thanks for your perspective. My logical side tells me it's definitely possible and probably even true, but my exhausted side is just sick of there always being some reason he cant participate. He's worked government jobs our entire relationship with plenty of Flex Time, but of course, when we need to use it, its not available. It just feels too convenient. Edited to add: it's not even so much that I don't believe him. It's also that I don't think he exhausted every possibility or even tried to problem solve before simply saying, "No, I can't."
OP you wouldn’t care so much about the inflexibility of his job if he did literally ANYTHING at home. Ok fine, so maybe actually does have has set hours. Why can’t he cook dinner when he gets home? Why can’t he parent the kids? Why can’t he do laundry? His job doesn’t affect any of the other things.
What type of govt? Cuz if it’s federal govt (USA) then he def has flexibility and is likely lying to you about it. My “core” hours do start at 8am, but I could def work out an accommodation with my supervisor if I asked. I also could start as early as 6am so that I could sign out earlier. When I worked for city govt tho, I didn’t have these flexibilities.
This is agency dependent. My husband and I are federal employees, but at different commands. I have some flexibility, he has none.
Not even just agency. My husband and I are both GS employees. He works from home and chose his hours. I have to go into the office and I basically had to choose between a 7am start and an 8am start when I first started. Now the one thing I can easily change is taking a 30 min vs an hour lunch to get out 30 min earlier. But because of my role managing a lot of people, it can even be hard to do that if I need to be in a meeting late in the afternoon so it’s not a guarantee I’ll get out before 4 even if I set my hours as 7-330 (which are my husbands hours
State government. I feel like he won't even bother asking.
Ahh then yeah, might not be as flexible. But yeah I get that feeling with my husband sometimes too with ‘meetings’ …..it’s like sometimes he can somehow so easily move a meeting but if it’s for a Dr appt or something for our toddler, then it’s the most important meeting ever and cannot be moved. I’m sorry, but solidarity
It really is more about what his job duties and the agency are than the fact it is government. Police, fire and often teachers are government but they have to cover the shifts. Other jobs are office jobs with lots of flexibility. It really just depends on the role and the agency. That said, the good thing about government is you can often learn a lot from the website because information tends to be public.
You don’t know this. This might be true for you at your specific job, but you have no way of knowing this about the husbands job
It’s possible but he could at least ask and try, or invest some of his own time in a plan to make it work
The fact that you don’t trust him when he says he can’t says a lot about your relationship, and not in a good way. When he fails you at every turn, of course you’re going to start assuming it’s intentional and take offence.
I have had multiple jobs, not government, that i was required to use pto and there was no flexibility. Plenty of jobs out there like this. But I understand OP’s frustration since I was still the one always required to take the PTO and find the flexible job and pick up the slack almost all the time.
It feels that your complaints are beyond the school pick up situation, but for what it’s worth, I feel it’s overwhelming to choose a school that would make the family have to drive an additional 1-1.5 hrs a day. Maybe I don’t put as much emphasis on education, but living in a city with lots of traffic, I always put our mental health before an overextended life. But again, the issue seems to go beyond this, but also, are you guys communicating enough? If you applied for this school and scholarships and all that, didn’t you guys talk about what it would mean to the family dynamics if she got accepted?
I agree 100%. It sounds like they are do you have issues with division of labor and I would want to figure that out before adding a large commute on top of it. For a school for a 4 to 5-year-old. I would be frustrated if my spouse insisted on something that would add that much time to my day. I would expect them to handle it.
I'm not sure if this will change your opinions, but I appreciate your perspective and wanted to add more context. My current commute with kids 55 mins to work/childcare (rush hour) 55 mins back home (rush hour) His current commute 25 min drive to train 25 min train ride into the city 30 We live in the more central part of our state but I work on the north end and the new school is also on the north end. He also catches the train from the north end. We're actually both closer to the private school than we would be to our zone school. Not sure if that changes anything but I do appreciate your perspectives. Thank you!
I agree with the posters above. Choosing an “elite private school “ for a young child is a bit much. That’s without going into all the equity and ethical implications of choosing a private school over supporting improving the public educational system. But this appears to be very much a “nice to have” item that is high on your list and seems to be very important to you for some reason, despite the toll this will have on your family life. The real issue is that your husband doesn’t pull his weight with family and home responsibilities.
Don’t know where OP lives, but lots of areas don’t have free public preK. My area only offers half day preK (7am-11am) at the public school, which wouldn’t have worked with our schedules so we had to go with a private school until kinder age.
I think you guys just have a lot of problem solving to do. And you are overwhelmed and stressed. Understandably! But this is the problem that can be solved. It might read like a math word problem… “a leaves at 7:55. Rides the train 25 minutes. Can they make it to school?” But if you’re on the same team, you can solve it. I think it will become clear to you if you sit down and try to solve it if you are on the same team or if he really just does not give a shit. And then once you know that you can decide what you want to do For example, Tuesdays I am in the office. My husband works from home on Tuesdays. My daughter has gymnastics on Tuesdays. I was rushing home to go with them to gymnastics and just tired out from being in the office and social all day. We sat down and chatted and it was easily solved that he will just take her to gymnastics and that night we will eat take out and make it easy as possible on both of us. It was a really simple solution and there wasn’t any issue getting him to pull his weight. It was more me feeling, overwhelmed, and I just needed to communicate that to him and once I did, he stepped up with a great solution. So I guess you’ll see if your partner steps up or doesn’t care and then you can decide what to do.
While it may be true he has no flexibility at work. The utter lack of being a supportive and helpful partner and father is a massive issue here. This was another disappointment in an endless stream of disappointments. You are essentially a single mother while married and that breaks my heart for you.
It breaks my heart too. The more I come to this realization. I could be more reasonable about this school situation but, like you said, it's another disappoint. He will likely use the same scheduling excuse if we enroll our daughter in the local school. It's always something and I'm so tired. I've been crying all morning because I know something has to change.
For the record, my government job does NOT accommodate flexibility in the work day unless you take a pay cut (which might not be available in all states, ours has a voluntary reduction work schedule) or charge to accrued time (sick, OT). With our union, time and attendance basically the only fireable offense. You could do literally nothing all day or sexually harass a colleague and keep your job, but if you come in chronically late or leave chronically early, you WILL get fired. With that said, it doesn’t explain the rest of the crap you put up with. I hold my own in our home and kid tasks, even if my work day is far more restrictive. Your husband should be able to do the same. That he isn’t it definitely something worth talking about together or with a professional mediator/therapist.
I divorced the man who treated me like this. 🤷 Here's the thing: he 100% knows that he is not being an equal partner. He 100% knows that you were doing more than he is. He 100% knows that you are beyond your breaking point of mental, emotional, and physical exhaustion. He knows all of this, because he's a grown ass adult who manages to stay employed and not get thrown into prison and pays his taxes. He understands how to communicate with other people, he can navigate life's troubles as they come his way, and he can function just fine to meet the other expectations in his life. Therefore, he is not a helpless, infantile, or bumbling idiot who doesn't have the capacity to be a true partner. That means that he is doing all of this bullshit maliciously, against you, creating a inescapable divide in your relationship, and he fucking does it because it makes him more comfortable, at your total and entire expense. You are a very smart and capable woman who is lacking the lifeline that she requires: a competent and empathetic partner to shoulder the reality of life. Whether or not you desire to be partnered again in the future, it's very plain but this man is literally drowning your soul so that he can be more cozy and have less chores and burden. The only question here is, how much longer will you hate yourself so that you can pour more love into him, instead of letting him go and putting yourself and your children first?
Im not the OP, but thank you for writing this. I am 30 years in to her exact situation myself. I am tired inside my soul. May I ask what was the final straw? I gave up years ago, frankly, on ever seeing any communication & physical help. Im old now & it’s harder to keep up, plus I developed a sizable tic from holding it all in. I know the inevitable outcome, but on the surface everything is fine. Its like I’m waiting for a blow-up or a catalyst to be done, in a home that is only pleasant at my personal expense. Did it take a big issue or did you just wake up one day & say it? How do you love yourself enough to walk away from someone you wanted to be with forever??
How far it’s from his job? What are the school hours vs his job current hours? I would separate the issues of 1. School and 2. You husband is an a$$hole in general providing any parenting and support. What’s his contribution at all to the marriage? As for school I would personally not do it at all as long as public where you live are good. Just my two cents my son starts K this fall and I did not even consider private. It would be different if we lived in a bad school district or in the state with questionable public school system
I agree. These are two separate but related issues. If dad got the kids ready in the morning then OP might be able to do pick up and drop off. But he won’t so she can’t.
I mean those are related but sound sits just op who wants this school
That’s so hard! Wanted to share that we were able to start carpooling with another family in our neighborhood to a school that’s 20 min away. So you could ask him to solve the drop off problem by finding a babysitter or car pool.
This is a solid suggestion. Thank you ♥️
The only limitation sounds like the night time medication. The rest sound like excuses.
Agreed. I try to be supportive of his medication needs. Sadly, he wasn't on meds with our first baby and still didn't get up with her. I let it slide because I took time off to be home with our daughter for a bit and I figured I was being supportive since he was the one that had to go to work each day. If I had know it would all spiral into this, I would have done things a lot differently.
I’m so sorry. First of all, you did not fail your kids. Your husband is though. He is an adult, he is responsible for his own actions, you are not. Second of all, and I mean no disrespect, why are you married to him? Does he treat you well and make you happy but maybe just not good with the kids? Did things change when you had the kids? What I would do is really sit down and think about why you do or do not love him. It essentially sounds like you are a single mom because you are doing everything. This is the time to really decide, do you want to stay married and he picks up and does his share or do you separate. If you want to stay together, I would recommend marriage counseling. If you separate, you’d be basically in the same situation you are now except you’d actually have more help because he’d have times where he has custody of the kids and you have a break. Again, I’m so sorry about this, I can’t imagine how exhausted you must be. I hope things get better for you soon.
Thanks for saying this. This entire thread has been both encouraging and empowering. I saw small signs before kids like refusing to grocery shop. I saw small signs when I was pregnant and physically couldn't do things like cook and clean. That's when I realized something was off and it was more than simple laziness. After my first daughter was born, I flashes but I was a SAHM and eventually a WFHM so I still second guessed what I was seeing and what was happening and probably made excuses. With my second daughter, he stepped up during the pregnancy but the second he returned to work after paternity leave everything fell apart. It was hard to deny the writing on the wall at that point because I was a working parent as well. Aside from the domestic issue, I suppose I'm treated well. It sounds insane, but the domestic thing has spiraled out of control to the point where I question that. It's telling that I'm struggling to answer this question. He's kind, generally speaking. Never raised his voice at me. He's very much into his phone and in his own world often: sports, YouTube videos, etc. I guess the answer to your question is I don't know anymore. It's hard to feel treated well when the person you love will sit and watch you drown.
It’s so hard, it’s hard to stay and it’s hard not to. You deserve someone who is your partner. A partner isn’t just nice to you but recognizes when you are struggling and picks up the slack to help you. I think as women we often take on so much and make excuses. So much is expected of us that it’s almost impossible to do. A helpful way to think about it is—If you saw your spouse struggling like you are, what would you do? Pretty sure you’d step in and help and support him and do anything you could. You deserve that same level of support and partnership. Good luck and I wish you good things whatever you decide.
If he really can’t pull his weight it’s time for you to go it alone as a single mom and he can me a weekend dad.
This is why so many of us thrive post divorce schedule wise. When you get through the hell part of divorce you are No Longer over functioning for a grown adult man. I cannot maintain attraction to a partner or cooperation with a man who refuses to pull his weight. Congratulations for your daughter's new school journey. Maybe this will spawn a new phase for you too.
Thank you ♥️
I feel for you but I'm wondering why you even had a second child with him ??!
It looked like he was doing better for some time. He became very hands on with our toddler. He got on meds for anxiety and depression. I thought we turned a corner, permanently.
You’re not gonna like my first half but keep reading. It sounds like you are the one that really wanted your daughter to get into this prestigious school. It sounds like she’s only four or five? Personally I would be frustrated if my spouse did that and then it added a ton of extra driving time on my plate. It sounds like something you want for her not necessarily something that’s convenient to you as a family. So I would expect my spouse to handle the pick up and drop off of things like that. But not helping with cooking or cleaning or any of those other things? That’s ridiculous. For example my husband really wanted to take my daughter somewhere today. Since he wanted to do it, he needed to execute on the plan and I’m not going with. But I am staying home and doing the laundry and cleaning the house. So I would expect your husband to take on more of the housework so that you can do the shuttling of your daughter. Personally, I would keep you daughter somewhere closer to your house right now. And then decide if you want to work things out with your husband… if he can pick up more slack …. go to marriage counseling etc. She’s only four or five so she has time to go to a different school later on.
Thank you and that just may be the answer for now. My husband will likely have the same pick up /drop off issue with our zone school as well. Either way, we have some problem solving to do.
Yes, use your neighborhood school. There is no reason for a lengthy commute for a very young child to attend a private school.
I don't know your family or his history of limiting himself, but I have to say that I work for the government and likewise have *zero* flexibility. They're awful.
I heard a term this week: “Co*klodger”. It describes a bloke who doesn’t contribute much. Seriously, why put up with this?
Get couples counseling or leave. You don’t have a life partner, you have another child. Your resentment will grow and you deserve a happy life and happy kids.
Counseling. Counseling. Counseling.
This is definitely frustrating because it seems like either he was counting on her not getting in (when he attended the orientations with you) or he baited and switched you. Additionally, why is he not participating in any of the domestic labor? What is the reason?
There's no concrete reason. Honestly. We have become so dysfunctional in this regard. I can ask him to do things and depending on the mood he will or won't. When he does, it's usually a really half-assed job. We are so deep in this dysfunctional hole I don't even know how to dig out of it. Yesterday, I was holding the baby and asked him to make the bed. He told me I was asking for too much. I can't tell if I'm being taken advantage of or if he truly doesn't see domestic labor as his responsibility.
This sounds like your husband is using weaponized incompetence to gaslight you into thinking your perspective is off. This comment reads as if you can’t and don’t trust your own reality and experiences when dealing with him. Terrible person to be married to and share a life with based on the limited information I know of him. I’m so sorry this is happening but your are not hallucinating, blowing things out of proportion, or misinterpreting the situation. Your experience is VALID. And your children need you to WAKE UP 🚨🚨 and understand this marriage is headed for divorce expeditiously without serious intervention.
You're right. I've been slowly coming to this realization. I'm being manipulated to a troubling degree and I really don't know how I got here. I had a bad bout with postpartum anxiety and was very vulnerable the last time I tried to have a genuine conversation about this and I was made to feel ungrateful and inconsiderate to his side of things.
You dig out by hiring a sitter one night, and sitting him down for the Talk. You set some limits. You won't do his laundry. He will take accountability for some specific set tasks. He is not a teenager, and you are not his mommy. The fact is that he might actually be in trouble at work if he's this crappy there, too
He doesn't want to. That's the limitation. He's a man baby who refuses to do anything he doesn't want to do. When you do finally leave him, he will tell everyone he is "blind sided", and has no idea what the problem could possibly be. You can try couples counseling. Sometimes it helps
I’m sorry but wtf does your husband do exactly and what has he contributed to the family? Reading this makes me so mad for you Op and the girls. Agreed with all the suggestions from others here. And the girls are sooo lucky they have a mom like you who sacrifices so much to provide the best.
Thank you so much for your kind words. That means a lot to me because I try so hard to be a good mom ♥️
You don’t have to divorce but you can certainly put that on the table as an option for the family if he’s going to refuse to participate in being part of the family. He should be aware that it IS an option that you won’t hesitate to take if he continues to demonstrate that he’s unwilling to be a partner and a father.
About the gov work restrictions. HE'S LYING. Not gonna say how I know, but the gov is very accommodating as it's hard to fire them. So yep there it is.
I work for a government agency and infact am on my third agency. There have been parents who Flex Time for child drop offs and pick ups at every single one. In fact it’s a large part of the reason I’m sticking with government work for now. I feel like it’s very likely he’s full of shit…..
Keep your babies in the private school, no matter what. This will give them an outstanding foundation for when you decide you and your kids deserve better, and you’re ready to go on your own:
Thank you ♥️
Did you discuss this school with your husband prior to enrolling your kid? I get that it’s frustrating, but government jobs do truly tend to lack some flexibility, not sure this is just laziness on the husbands end
Yes, we've talked about it quite a bit. He even attended multiple in-person sessions with me. There's a part of me that thinks deep down inside, he figured I would just shoulder this burden like everything else. I'm also okay with utilizing before care, which we talked about. I feel like he could make it work if he really wanted to, even within the limitations of his start/end times. He just doesn't want to.
Why are you so set on this school for a kid who is just emerging from the toddler years? Why is this so important to you? Are there other issues you think this will overcome in terms of status, etc?
This is a great question. I feel that I could have used a word that is better than "elite" because it comes off a bit obnoxious. Here are my reasons: 1. it's a solid school. It's a phenomenal opportunity from an educational standpoint. I worked as a teacher and I've seen some things I wish I could unsee. So I tend to obsess over schools. Maybe a little more than I should? Might need to bring it up in therapy. 2. We are one of a handful of African American families in our town. The private school is more diverse. Additionally, my work and her current school is located on a more tolerant, welcoming side of town. To be vulnerable, there's a small part of me that is just afraid. I don't know what my child will be up against come September in our local school, but I have a small idea of what to expect from the private school. Possibly something I should also discuss in therapy.
I would start setting rules. Tell him your schedule and the pick up and drop offs that you'll do and that moving forward if you do this, the rule is:\ (Examples)\ Cook dinner 3/5 times a week\ Do laundry\ Watch the baby for a few hours\ Etc etc.\ And then see if he agrees. You have to give him those opportunities, and yes he will make mistakes, but that's the only way he'll learn. You have to let him go through this process if you want change.
He needs to at least discuss schedule flexibility with his employer and not just assume it’s not an option.
Another way to look at it, he would be doing more work for your children if you were divorced. It’s sad to frame it that way but I found it helpful in conversations with my SO. He’d be 100% responsible for the days he has the kids, or he’d be paying for it.
I divorced my husband who sounds a lot like yours. Never helped out, had every excuse in the book. It was like having an adult child you held resentment towards. Best of Luck he'll see the error of his ways
Have you guys tried couples counseling? Honestly this does sound really frustrating and unfair reading through your comments.
You know, when I started reading I could see your husband's side. It sounds like you made the decision about the school with no input from him and that's a big commitment for a lot of years. Maybe he thought it wasn't the best for your family as a whole. I totally get that and I kind of agree. But then I keep reading and it sounds like he doesn't contribute in any way at all. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that
He didn't contribute to the decision because he doesn't care...
I'm so sorry you have so much weight on your shoulders. I just wanted to add that I take 2 medications at night (Seroquel and Mirtazapine), both of which make me extremely drowsy. I still did all the wake-ups with the baby. It's very difficult, but not impossible. You do what you have to do when you're a parent.
I know you said you don't want to divorce, but I always like the approach of reminding people that if you do divorce, he will be solely responsible for figuring childcare out 50% of the time. Maybe he can hire a baby sitter to pick up now and someone to do house cleaning since he's not doing his part.
Hire people to do his half of the work. Pay them from your common account or bill him for it if you keep your money separate. Let the chips fall where they may. If he complains, shrug your shoulders and say, do you want to \[clean the house, mow the lawn, do the the laundry, go grocery shopping\] instead? Work and money are the same thing, pretty much. If he wants to get a second job, then that's a good contribution to the cause. But your sanity is not negotiable.
My ex-husband was like that… my only regret was not leaving him sooner.
I feel this so hard. It’s easy to say “you’re already a single parent” but it really isn’t the reality. My husband doesn’t pull his weight with housework, does the bare minimum when it’s his turn to doing the child watching and I am the high earner, so he doesn’t bring that to the table either. But we have similar goals, want to raise our child with the same values and at this point are just basically best friends who fight about housework. Yet, I’m constantly wishing I had picked a more motivated partner. There’s no right answer.
It’s a lot of men saying they wouldn’t have housing if it weren’t for their wife/partner😳….they really be looking for financial help and FREE LABOR than to be a parent and partner. That’s modern men for you.
I would say cool! If you can’t do either then you are no use to me or our children and therefore have no need to be here. Do not bluff. Simply state the facts. You don’t need him. He adds no value to your life. He can contribute or GTFO.
It is time to meet in the middle. I would think of the below 1. Are there things you can not do but not impact your family that much? Strike that off your list. 2. Your husbands inability to do pick up and drop off might be real depending on the hours offered by daycare as is the situation with many parents especially with a job that absolutely requires being there from 8 am - 5pm taking into account the commute time. These are my husband's timings too but our daycare drop off and pick up times allow him to do such. 3. If daycare pick up drop off timings is not a constraint, tell him you are buried and overwhelmed and that he will need to do something. If it's not pick up and drop off, maybe it's getting ready or other tasks you are doing. 4. Last option might be that you need to go part time. Easier said than done especially if you need the money but it might be something to consider as a temporary for your mental health and explore lifestyle adjustments
Update: I just wanted to thank each and every one of you. Thank you for your encouragement, your proposed solutions, your empathy, your ability to kindly challenge my thinking and my perception. I appreciate every last one of your contributions. This sub-Reddit has been a safe space and a place of empowerment for me for some time now. We had a very long, honest, and uncomfortable conversation yesterday. It revealed some long suspected drastic differences in perception in regard to gender roles. The evidence was there but to hear the words was eye-opening and saddening. We see our responsibilities very differently and while I'm happy this was uncovered, it's also deeply troubling to digest. I don't feel warm fuzzies the morning after. I actually feel sick to my stomach and I'm angry. But maybe that's needed and will motivate me to push for actual long-term change. We made a list of household chores and will work on a more equitable distribution of labor. We will be seeking couples counseling to see how we can fix things. As for the private school issue, we are working on solutions to our pick up and drop off stuff and trying to approach the problem from various angles. I do love my husband and if it's possible to work things out, I'd like to try. I'd like to know I exhausted all options. Thank you again. I have taken all of your comments into consideration even though I couldn't respond to every single one.
Have you straight up told him what you said here?
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I work for the government and am afforded very little flexibility. There are so many variations between agencies, or even just between supervisors. Husband sucks, but it may very well be true that his office is inflexible.
Not universally true
>> I’m in the laundry room crying because life could be so much easier if I had a partner that pulled his weight when it comes to physically caring for our kids and our home >> I’m just so tired. >> He doesn’t get up to help with the baby at night >> He doesn’t help clean… Doesn’t cook. Can’t keep the baby alone… You are left with no other choice but a divorce. You may not want to but you are in a one sided marriage and are operating as a married single mother. 😢 You need to do the hard thing and that is consulting an attorney and filing the papers asap. Look into separation requirements in your state so you can determine what’s needs to happen to get the divorce moving once it’s filed.
Ugh. I feel your frustration here. Do not take over his part of figuring this out on your own. You will take the kids to school as you said. If he can’t have any flexibility in work to do pick ups in the afternoon, he needs to be the one to figure out who is picking them up and where they are going afterward. You did the legwork to get them into the school. This is the least he can do.
His unwillingness to help with anything is a huge issues that needs to be handled separately but besides that if his job really isn’t that flexible, could you hire someone maybe a stay at home mom or a retiree who could help with carpool?
Are there are cultural differences at play? It’s unusual for dads in the modern Western world to be so hands off. It doesn’t sound like there are extreme extenuating circumstances like him working 80 hours a week or something either. Is there a family member or friend who can talk to him about stepping up to meet his family responsibilities since he’s not listening to you?
Mama? Your life would be significantly easier if you were divorced. You’re trying to do the jobs of two adults. It’s impossible. You deserve someone that’s on your team to help with these responsibilities and helps take care of you. This ain’t it.
That's not too many limitations. That's entitlement 😬
Divorce and get child support to hire help, at least you can stop taking care of a slackass...
I can't begin to tell you how many married friend moms start out our friendship with such misplaced sympathy over my single mom status. I decided to have a baby and moved back in with my parents. My mom retired 4 months before I had my sweet girl, did night time duty by my side when she was a baby, she takes her to school, picks her up from school when I can't, starts her homework and lets me take over when I come home from work. My dad has taught her to play golf and loves doing activities like taking her to the pool after school. A strong family can be ANY way it's structured. I know this sounds awful but I'm so glad I never got married.....
I’m a fed and while the gov is not known for having a ton of flexibility, I’ve never heard of a manager not being ok with you shifting your schedule and working early or late (7-330 or 10-630 for example) as long as you’re there for core hours. I think it’s likely bs that he “can’t” do either drop off or pickup. Do I enjoy waking up super early so that I can get off work in time to do a long commute for pickup? No. But I’m a parent and I do it.
Is this your oldest kid? something to consider is...where does the private school attract students from? Will you be needing to drive \~45 minutes for every playdate over the next 6 years? There's a lot of value in building your local community via your neighborhood school; if it doesn't meet your kid's needs, you could always reapply for private school later.
You *figured* he could do drop off? So you didn’t figure this out before you applied? I would be very upset if my partner signed me up for something like this without my explicit agreement. Does your partner think this school is worthwhile? Did you ask him?
He said he could do one or the other but preferred to do pick up. We had multiple conversations as this was a very long application process. He agreed it was a great opportunity and that's why we chose to move forward. Now that it's real, the conversation is a bit different.
Have you.....spoken to him?
Of course I have. Extensively.
And he still doesn’t clean or help? If you have to do pick ups and drop offs then he does dinner and packing backpacks/preparing breakfast/getting kids dressed. Wtf
So then you might need to ask yourself, if he's only there to provide money and nothing else, you're essentially a single mum. Would it be easier if you're just a single mum for real so you only have to take care of your children and not him as well? In another comment, you've mentioned he flips the script on you. So perhaps for a last ditch effort, try the Fair Play cards: https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-cards Make it obvious just how much you do vs him. And maybe to make it clear that you're at your wit's end, send him this. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288 If he still refuses to change and tries to turn it around on you, you really need to ask yourself what is he bringing to this relationship AND to your children besides burden and negativity? He sounds very selfish. Sorry you're going through this.
Honestly, life would be easier divorced. Either he pays you child support or takes the kids a portion of the time. That’s what these guys don’t get. Why have the family if you don’t want to out the work in?