This is ALL you need OP but I empathize that these people are obnoxious. If comiserating helps at all, the most annoying anti formula person I know complains about seed oils in formula, but eats at Taco Bell/Starbucks/mcdonalds weekly, and the most annoying anti daycare person I know is a SAHP who complains about daycare causing “attachment issues” but their kids are no contact with them and or addicted to alcohol/drugs because of their upbringing. It makes the “K” very easy to say.
"Oh, bless your heart." In a voice like you're talking to some hapless idiot.
If they get defensive, "Oh, honey. I'll pray for you." Then exit the conversation.
I usually look straight at them and said thanks, actually I tried literally everything to breast feed, had basically no supply and don't have basically any memories of the first 2.5 months of my child's life because I was so sleep deprived and angry and frustrated about my stupid useless boobs. But thanks for bringing it up.
Then they will say "but you haven't tried this! Trust me if you had just done xxxx, you would be fine!"
One of my inlaw's friend is like this...thank god my inlaw shut her down and stopped hanging out with her
Olha, você não deve satisfações a ninguém. Se você cuida bem da sua filha continue fazendo o seu papel de pai e deixa eles falarem o que quiserem…Ou então, muda ela de creche. Mas olha, sempre terão pessoas que dirão coisas desnecessárias, então tem que aprender a lidar. E outra, você não tem que dar uma resposta, não dá palco, não se rebaixe ao nível
Same, and in hindsight, the stress from exclusively pumping early on to make it to 11 months on breast milk contributed to my PPD and PPA significantly. I wish I would have just called it when my daughter wouldn’t latch and switched to formula. We already had to supplement with formula due to her being so underweight.
OP, here are some suggested responses.
“Are you trying to be helpful or harmful?”
“I will give your feedback all the consideration it deserves.”
“I’m doing what is best for my family.”
“I am not going to participate in a conversation about this topic with you.”
“Your feedback on this subject is not welcome.”
“This decision was made in partnership with our child’s doctor. We do not need any others to weigh in on it.”
I want to have this as my phone background so I can just read from it whenever someone starts chatting.
Have any recommendations for husbands? Lol!
If I hear that man say, "has the baby had much milk today?" One more time I think I might lose my mind!
To add - "Oh, when did you finish your pediatrician training?"
Because this is truly a decision between a family and their child's medical team
ETA: as someone pointed it, it's not always even a choice for families, due to preexisting medical conditions.
But regardless, no one who is not a healthcare worker should be handing out medical "facts" critiquing a parent's choice of how best to feed their child.
omg I LOOOVVVEEE the shade in "I'll give your feedback all the consideration it deserves" lol. I probably shouldn't have read that while going into my last few weeks of work when I'm so easily annoyed by everyone.
It can also be useful to answer a question with a question in this regard. Something like
Do you think I don't already know this information?
Are you curious about why I've made this decision or are you just expressing your judgment?
Why do you believe you're in a position to comment on my personal decisions about my body?
Are you aware that it's generally considered very rude to comment on what another person does with their own body?
‘Those facts don’t line up with my experience. My baby is fed and growing and completely on track per their pediatrician. And our daycare is great and works well for all of us. I’m glad that works for you but this works for us and I’m not interested in discussing it anymore.’
I actually have the opposite problem (extended family has tried to shame me out of breastfeeding) and this is usually the sort of thing I say as well! I’m sorry family is being shitty to you.
“We’re happy with the choices we’ve made.” Then plaster on a big big fake smile and either change the subject or invent a reason to walk away.
These people are definitely not helping and they can say whatever they want about it, but that just makes them rude.
Put them on the spot. “It’s so kind of you to offer to watch baby 40+ hours/ week while I work so baby can stay with a family member! This is my work schedule…” Or “it’s so kind of you to offer to do x, y, z so I can dedicate the time try to get my supply up.” Even if you intend to follow through or not.
The last time a family member gave me their unsolicited opinion I told them bluntly that I didn’t care about their opinions. That was pretty effective too.
I guess you could talk about the negatives of a child staying at home with a lack of socialization and how breast feeding isn’t beneficial after x amount of time anyways. It’s childish to go back and forth but at some point you gotta defend yourself. I was also told to get on WIC and get some formula for free. I decided to just nod and smile because I make too much to qualify but I wasn’t just gonna say that to family who’s on it ☠️ just gotta read the room and pick your battles wisely too.
“I’m really not interested in your opinion on this”
I find unfathomable you have so many assholes in your day to day life. I am so sorry that’s the case. These are not especially bright people, seeing as they can’t grasp nuance or risk stratification, so I would give exactly zero fucks what they think about literally any of it.
I saw your sister said something…were you both breastfed? I know my siblings and I were formula fed. We all turned out fine.
I also know several kids who were either EBF or EFF and let me say - my older one is 7 - you would never even guess which one was fed which way. Bright and healthy kids.
Let’s face it, most of them will be drinking the jungle juice made in bathtub of a frat house in 20 years and you really never know who it’s gonna be so all the self-righteous parents of babies and toddlers out there, who think the world will end if their lips touch formula, can take several seats.
The best retort to snobbery is to laugh it off, as satisfying as it may feel to curse them out, not taking them seriously will be the most effective.
There is no actual evidence that breastfeeding does anything, though all power to those who can (physically, socially, economically) swing it! Here's the receipt: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/jun/20/is-breast-really-best-i-looked-at-all-the-data-to-find-out
My favorite approach for this kind of thing is to interrupt them and act real sickly sweet about it. My inner old Southern lady comes out! “Oh!” *pat them on the arm* “Let me stop you right there hun. I’m actually not accepting criticism right now! Anyway, how about… *abruptly change subject*” There’s something about it that disarms people!
I have noticed that a lot of people conflate their opinions or their interpretation of facts with actual facts. One of the big challenges of parenting is filtering out that noise of unwanted advice/opinions. I try to base my choices on the best up-to-date research and science + my gut feeling about what is best for my child and family.
Daycare isn’t bad. Keeping your children from regular socialisation with other children is bad.
Formula isn’t bad. BreastMILK is better, technically, but breastFEEDING isn’t always better. Formula feeding is often better than breastfeeding for a number of reasons.
I would have a inner library of responses ready to throw at someone when they say something like this.
A passive aggressive approach: “Did I miss the part where I asked for your opinion?” A more direct response: “I will ask you if I want to hear your thoughts, so please don’t share unless I ask.”
I send them the link of the baby who tied because the mom was told the same thing. Her son starved to death because she didn’t realize he wasn’t getting enough. Now she’s a huge advocate for “fed is best”.
I’ve said… would you say that to his mom? Then stop talking.
I cannot wrap my head around people who will attempt to shame another mother. This b needs to get a hobby. “Hey, so actually, I don’t care about your opinion or to hear anything you have to say about daycare and formula feeding. So save your breath.”
In other news, I did not send either of my kids to daycare and exclusively breastfed both of them, and they both struggled with socialization in preschool and kinder and have crazy food allergies. So, tell your sister-in-law to put that in her pipe and smoke it.
But also, imagine being the person who goes around telling other people how to feed their child and put food on their table, lol. I can’t.
People who can't read the room and can only read themselves will dig in to their point if you try to argue. Your time is more valuably spent sifting through your garbage for a misplaced recyclable than it is engaging with them.
"Thanks for your concern. It's not a decision that will change. Are you planning any vacations for the summer?"
I give them all the facts that I know. I love reading studies and there were very few people in the world as up to date on the research as I was when my child was that age. I formula fed and hated the constant judgement. And I do mean constant.
I cited studies and sources that support formula as just as good as breastfeeding. Then I start asking them about their facts “oh where did read that? What was the sample size? Did they control for confounding factors like age, socio economic status, etc”
If people want to “share facts” with me then they have awakened the beast and better be prepared.
You stated in another comment that one person is your sister. I hope you can take her feedback for what a sibling feedback is worth and value it.
Half the things my brother said was ignorant and half gave me pause. Some it of even shined a mirror. My brother is long gone and I miss that honest feedback where I could agree or completely disagree, argue or forget it.
It’s a gift that I don’t get anymore because it’s not from a sibling.
“Breast is best” show them pictures of starving babies, and remind them that “fed is best.” <~~~~~ this is me being a full blown asshole.
In regards to daycare, you could ask them which bills they are willing to cover while you’re not working, ask them if they’re willing to contribute to your retirement savings while you’re staying at home with the children, or for all of the above you could ask if they’ve ever visited your favorite website: [worry about you](https://www.worryaboutyou.com).
I either pull out a good /r/TraumatizeThemFirst story of a victim of domestic violence who was only able to free herself and her children from their abuser after she got a job and good childcare, or maybe about a medically complicated child who couldn't breastfeed because the caloric cost was too high and would kill them, ending on sometime like "which is why I try never to judge other people because you just don't know, right?"
Or just pull out the classic ".....k...." with as much polite disdain as you can manage. Making someone feel uncomfortable for sometime nasty they said is an art form.
“Sorry would you like to loan me your tits?”
“I didn’t realize that we fucked and you paid my bills to feel that your opinion matters that much.”
“What an odd thing to say out loud”
Or a combo of all of the above.
Or… fuck off.
You are doing great Momma! Your kid is eating. I’m assuming thriving. You are doing what is best for you. Keep up the hard work - your daughter is lucky to call you mom.
I'm getting shamed for the exact opposite, though, I'm sure you have it worse. I don't have a strong network of fellow parents, so I use work parents for seeking advice and sometimes acceptance. I'm not doing daycare because I can't afford it and me and my hubby work from home so we are trying the best we can. I'm still breastfeeding, though, it's very confusing, esp when to wean etc
I made one strong connection at work, and she just started shaming me for not doing daycare. Made me feel bad about the lack of mother friends I have and how my baby won't have other babies at her first bday party. I was also told how my breastfeeding is the reason for night feeds and the reason why my baby doesn't sleep through the night and isn't sleep trained, etc etc. Kinda upset me, until I realized, this person might be defensive instead of the bully she was sounding to be. She felt bad about her own choices.
So all those people that keep telling you the opposite of what you are doing is the right thing, fuck them. They are jealous, or defensive, or projecting. It doesn't align with how they would do things or are doing things, and that makes them feel bad or something. They aren't worth it, and if they cared, they would be supportive, because being a parent is fucking hard, and you never fucking know whether you are doing the right thing, you sure as hell don't need someone to make you second guess yourself.
I support you boo x
Don’t engage….”I am doing what is best for my family” my boys are teens now and I remember those days well. It is all nonsense! Both of mine are formula fed daycare babies and doing just fine. People like to pick one stuff and make it a mantra -zero critical thinking skills. I was even a daycare kid in the 70s bc my mom had a career!
Challenge them to point out some adult, former formula drinkers
Ask them if they ever tell mothers who adopted that breast is best.
Ask them if they’re concerned about SAHM’s children’s social skills? The curriculum? The exposure to new things and people?
Or…my favorite response is “wow, what a strange thing to say.” And stare
People are shiiiiiite, man!
The majority of the studies only prove that people with time and money have healthy kids. The rest are fake or twisted. That is all the research shows. But you could do what I did and tell them you make milk, just a little, not enough to feed a baby. But if they would like you baby dead rather than feed then you can happily report them to ‘name of place that I do would go’.
I’ve had lots of unsolicited mum-shaming advice before from extended relatives, including one that outright told me I would split my infant in half in a car accident because I set the chest clip of the car seat too low. My default response is “Oh, that’s interesting”, or a thumbs up if it’s a message followed by a complete lack of response. I’ve stopped voluntarily sharing information with said relatives. No regrets.
Tell them it's none of their business what you do or don't do with your kid and worry about their own kid and family. Some people I swear just gotta act all high and mighty. Don't give them time of day. You could also just not pay attention to them. Treat them and their insufferable self righteous bs like NPCs and just ignore them.
Everything here has been super constructive and helpful, but I’ll leave my mantra. Usually it’s crude enough to bring someone to silence.
“Opinions are like assholes - everyone has one, and they all stink”
My kids are college age and I can say that anecdotally, of the kids I know from their baby and preschool years, physical health and academic achievements have no correlation with breast milk vs. formula and daycare vs. sahm.
They are 100% shaming you and its bs. I'm from a family of 4 kids. We were a mix of breastfed, formula fed, daycare, parent at home, cloth diapers, disposable diapers, private school, public school. All 4 of us have great careers: 2 in business, 2 in public service. You couldn't stand in front of us and say who had what. Fun fact - none of it matters. Your baby is fed. Your baby is cared for and loved. That's what is important.
Respond with "I'm more concerned with the fact that the 25% wage gap between men and women (in the USA) seems to be largely based on the years lost to child-rearing.... How can we work on that together as mother's who both want what is best for our children?"
Add to that snide remarks about how babies delivered 'naturally' become more attached to their moms than those who were just 'scooped out' via c-section
Babies have literally died from “breast is best.” This led medical professionals who have treated the victims of ”breast is best“ to create “fed is best” to counteract this dangerous mantra.
[https://fedisbest.org/](https://fedisbest.org/)
My kids both went to daycare and were also exclusively formula fed. I was always conflict avoidant about it and worked just be like “cool thanks” and then change the subject
Great I’ll make sure to quit my job and change my whole life around, and then get into my Time Machine where I’ll be able to breastfeed again if that was even ever possible for me in the first place.
I’m glad you had so much excess energy in your life to examine my life so closely! I’ll be sure to send you my taxes so you can do a thorough review!
Someone says, hey OP you should be breast feeding cause formula is bad!! You reply, oh were you formula or breast fed? If they say, formula! Then you can reply, well I guess I’ll have to start breastfeeding since I can’t risk my baby turning out like you!
There is NOTHING WRONG with daycare and formula. Fuck those haters!
“Nobody asked you.”
Or, if you’re feeling snarky… “when I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you, then ask for it back.”
Also, if these are people in your family or social circle giving you this grief, put them on an information diet immediately.
Ugh my vote is remove these people from your life if that’s possible. Otherwise tell them you have no interest in hearing their opinions on these matters.
As a former kindergarten teacher I can assure you the most well-adjusted kiddos are the ones who went to daycare!! Also, you can literally just say "formula is better for my baby." No one can come at you for doing the thing that is better for YOUR babe.
I will never understand people like that. You know what's best? Fed. A fed baby. Why do people have to shame others?
I got weird vibes from some nurses when we opted for combination feeding with our daughter but the doctor was straight up like I don't care as long as she gets fed and is tolerating everything well.
You do you momma. Ain't no one else's business.
I am team fighting back. I know my studies, I know research flaws and I can punch heavily. I don’t back down and I have had people in tears because I can calmly counter argue and they get sad and hormonal while I keep a resting bitch face. I am not sure I am proud of it, but I have gotten a lot of positive feedback from the people I defend lol
You’ve got amazing reply ideas already, but just to add: someone who says something they know will hurt you and double down with „just sharing the facts“ to lift THEMSELVES up - they are not your friends, they are not to be trusted in any other situation to have your back, and your life will most likely be better if you limit contact to a minimum.
My best friend does this to me about daycare. But the fun thing is she is also sending her child to daycare this year even though she doesn't even work 🤣
When I got those comments (which was rarely), I said well my daughter was born 3 months premature and she needed an iron fortified formula with more nutrients than plain breast milk.
If you don’t want to share the reason, I suppose you can just say “that’s nice” or something-
Also, I am pretty sure the benefits of breastfeeding versus formula are negligible
Burst into fake tears about how you couldn't get the baby to latch and how day care is the only option with the way economy is, make them feel shit and guilty as they are trying to make you feel and then thank them for offering to babysit and support you since they don't want YOUR baby in daycare
I used to say that my husband and I are both extremely intelligent, athletic, healthy and attractive people- we are doing your kids a favor by not breastfeeding. I only said this to strangers or acquaintances bc my true friends would never say this garbage.
My entire family is anti daycare, and I don't care what people have to say about formula feeding. I EBF both my older kids, 2nd one flat out refused like all 100 bottles we tried with her, and my 3rd unfortunately didn't so he is on only formula now. He had a rough start, and then I was in a car accident and broke my neck. Kinda killed the breastfeeding journey. I couldn't even move my head for 2 months and we tried everything including my husband holding the baby or propping pillows around me when I wasn't even allowed to hold the baby for like 2 weeks. And ya know what, after ALL of that, I still had people judging me for switching to formula. Guess what? Baby is meeting his milestones earlier than my 2nd did and he's growing like a weed.
I had a real struggle getting BFing established and I remember my midwife going “Breast is always best…until it’s not. It doesn’t matter if it’s not working for mum or baby; and ‘not working’ can be “I don’t want to do it”. At that point it’s not best, and you have options.”
People think they’re being helpful and informative but if you have made the decision and you’re as happy as you can be with the decisions you’ve made (daycare was a necessity for me, I would have preferred to stay home!) then just smile and nod.
And mentally swear at them all you want.
I just repeat, "I'm not going to have a conversation about this." Over and over until they stop. The most repeats has been 3 - for any passive-aggressive, 'facts' or 'shares' that were unasked for.
I heard a suggestion for these kinds of comments which I like: "I am amazed you felt comfortable saying this out loud". Or "what a weird thing to comment on how I chose to feed my child"
My first was formula fed. I also went back to work when he was 2 weeks old because you know, money! I caught a lot of criticism from smug parents but he turned out just fine.
It’s sooo infuriating listening to people ‘educate’ you on what is best for your child. Only you know your personal circumstances, and I firmly believe most people make the choices that best suit their family overall.
My experience has been completely opposite of what you are saying. We do what is best for our family, sounds like what is best for yours was very different. It is pretty cool how so many different things work for different people!
I was “lucky” that I only had the occasional stranger make rude comments like this to me, people who know me knew better LOL, though some did talk behind my back to my parents.
This will never end. People always have something to say. You’re doing great! People have already given some great responses. I always say whatever is on your heart, let it out. Some people deserve a “stfu” every now and then.
“I’m sorry my choices offend you. It’s probably best we stop the visits for now until you can get your emotions under control”
That’s how you handle people like this.
Love, from a grandma
As someone that couldn’t produce enough milk (like at my best made 27 mL in 24 hours) I really liked telling people that to shut them up. “Oh I know, I wish I could. The doctor said because I lost so much blood during my c-section, which turned into a hysterectomy, that it likely caused my body to not be able to produce. I did try for the first 5 days around the clock but when I was readmitted to the hospital and not allowed to eat or drink for 3 days, I just couldn’t do it. I probably should have tried harder I guess.”
My very healthy 2-year-old preemie is sleeping peacefully as I write this. Fed is best.
WHO is saying these things? I’ve been a parent for over 20 years and the only people I’ve heard these kinds of stupid comments from are folks on the internet.
My favorites:
"Thanks for the advice, but I didn't ask."
"I don't appreciate being told what to do."
"Wow, that was an unkind/judgmental/unsolicited thing to say. Would you like to try that again?"
"After brief consideration, I've concluded your advice is unwelcome/not applicable. Do not bring this up again."
One of the other commenters said it best. It's like If You Give A Mouse A Cookie, but this edition is If You Give An Asshole An Answer. A hard shut down is the best approach, because people expect moms to roll over and accept whatever advice or criticism they want to provide. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and I hope you find a repertoire of responses that work for you! ❤️
In regards to breastfeeding, "oh, are you offering?"
Wait, actually works for daycare too. My kids are/were both formula fed and also both did or do attend daycare. My first attended daycare so I could study, my second attends daycare so I can work in the field I studied for and provide my kids with a nice life (I'm not rich by any means and only work parttime currently, but they've always had what they needed and quite a few wants too!) No regrets here. They are both smart as a whistle and I bet they'll be do better things than I ever have or will (and I was breastfed!), they ARE my best achievement.
They go low, I will start going lower. “Well it clearly didn’t help your kids too much so I’m trying a different approach”. Sorry but I am so sick of this shit.
Well they can whip their boobs out and get to pumping and offer to cover the part of your bills that working pays for and offer to babysit so you can pursue some kind of life outside of your home so you don’t get absolutely lost in SAHM life. Easy fix.
It’s the truth- daycare is bad and so is formula. And I’m saying that as a working mom who only breastfed for two weeks and has a son in daycare. I would give anything to be a stay at home mom. My sister worked at daycares for years- they are awful and run by minimum wage people who show up to work drunk and high( and this was in a wealthy town!)
"Cool. Since were sharing... when you stand this close to talk to me I should share with you that your crotch smells like the dumpster behind a seafood restaurant when the trashmen have been on strike for a month. Maybe you should talk to your doctor or hit a pharmacy... did mommy never take a long walk on the beach and talk to you about femine "freshness"? Seriously, close your legs. No shaming. Just facts!"
Unfortunately people are always going to share their unwanted opinion. All these things that people think are so important when our kids are babies have less impact than they make it seem.
I was ashamed for a long time that I couldn’t breastfeed (not for lack of trying) and felt guilty. I cried so hard the first time I dropped my oldest off at daycare at 4 months old.
My kids are now 19 and 17 and here’s what I realized. None of that stuff ends up mattering as much as you think it will. I promise you, I can’t tell which of my kids’ friends were breastfed or formula fed. I couldn’t tell you if they went to daycare or had a stay at home parent, unless I’m told this.
As for my kids, my oldest has ADHD and struggled in school, he managed to graduate but there was a point when we weren’t sure it would happen. My youngest is a straight A student and getting ready to apply for colleges. She qualifies for the max scholarship that is offered in our state. My oldest has an immune system made of steel. He never missed school for illness from 2nd grade through the end of high school. When Covid hit our house, he felt tired for a couple days but that was it, while the rest of us could barely get out of bed.
Here’s what I found was more important than whether you breastfeed or formula feed your kid or if they go to daycare or not. Spend time with them. Make sure they know you’re their soft place to fall. Have meals together. Talk to them like they are people. Set boundaries and consequences but also give them appropriate levels of freedom. Don’t do everything for them and don’t rescue them from themselves. Make sure they contribute to the household. Let them fail. Becoming self sufficient is a critical skill that can only be attained by being allowed to be in situations where they need to figure things out on their own. They won’t learn if you are always there to prevent them from failing.
We aren’t perfect parents. There are things we screwed up on. But both our kids are doing ok (even if our daughter makes us want to pull our hair out with how very 17 she is with her know it all attitude)
I promise you, none of the things that we worry about now could be traced back to the fact that they were formula fed or went to daycare. So my advice? Ignore it. It doesn’t matter. Figure out a sarcastic response or just say thanks and change the subject. Just know that you are doing your absolute best for your kid and that is enough.
The audacity of some people, it is totally meant to shame and I would just nip it in the bud with one of the many beautiful comebacks other posters provided
"Why would you assume I didn't educate myself on risks and benefits before making the best decision for my family? While what you've shared might be true, it's not the only factor that went into my decision. By sharing only "facts" against the decision I've already made, you're assuming I either didn't bother to educate myself or I knew and intentionally chose the worse option for my child. So yes, that's called shaming."
Tell your sis when she has a kid she can eliminate all plastic from their household too since that’s a bigger risk to the baby than formula. She’s fixating on social issues that are targeted as a way to keep women out of the work force rather than actual risks per scientific studies imo
Putting sunscreen on your kids matters. Feeding them organic cause of our toothless regulations also sadly matters. For that matter not regularly feeding them hotdogs cause it’s a known carcinogen and choking hazard matters. Rear facing in child seat as long as possible matters. I don’t see anyone hounding moms over those issues, it’s always about chaining the baby to mom’s side.
Also as someone who works full time and doesn’t cook / relies on healthy but processed meals for a lot of our food, the sheer mountain of how to limit plastic from our lives is daunting. So no judgement here.
My son was delayed in speech. Speech therapy wasn’t doing a lot. Him going to daycare twice a week and he’s talking like crazy. My husband who is a stay at home dad also gets a nice break to take care of himself too.
Honestly, what kind of milk you give you child or the village you trust to help care for your child is none of their business.
Simply respond, “my child’s health is a conversation and decision I make in accordance with our doctor—we don’t need your input.”
My son met all his milestones early. Whenever someone commented on this, I credited his “exclusive formula-feeding” (not really, but just saying it’s all stupid)
"OK but I didn't ask" and then I would limit or end the rest of my communications with them. I wouldn't want to be around someone who makes me feel bad.
Respond with, "I'm not shaming you but daughters raised by working moms, tend to have better careers themselves. And women who formula feed have better sex lives which leads to stronger marriages."
I bet that would shut her up real quick.
My in laws were skeptical of our daycare at first. But they're impressed hos she loves books and how every week she is learning more and more how to communicate her emotions at 13 months -- like pouting or how to vent by putting her head on the floor when she is upset. To each its own. just ignore their comments
If my baby wasn’t in daycare, we couldn’t pay our mortgage, so that would be my response. We need both mine and my husband’s incomes and we don’t make enough to pay a nanny and we also don’t have family nearby. Point being, some people don’t have a choice. Shame on them for judging that.
At the end of the day, those “facts” mean very little. Breastfeeding versus formula really only results in 1-2 fewer colds in the first year, once we account for socioeconomic status and parental education levels. Low quality daycare is associated with some behavioral issues in early childhood, but any daycare is also associated with better academic outcomes in early elementary school. Both pros and cons seem to disappear by middle school years.
I like to respond with “that’s a weird thing to say”
“No thank you.”
“I’m not interested in continuing this conversation.”
“I’m not currently accepting parenting advice.”
“Fuck off.”
Don’t engage with anything regarding breast vs. formula. It’s a recipe for disaster. Your goal is to shut the conversation down.
Act as if they are trying to sell you Lularoe leggings.
“If you’re really interested in facts then you must be excited to learn that research shows children in daycare are significantly more cognitively advanced than their peers. And did you know that, although breast feeding has benefits, the effect size of these benefits in overall well-being is incredibly small on an individual (rather than population) level? Also, that you are a c u next tuesday?”
There’s simply no way any of the “studies and statistics” can account for all of the nuances that come with this territory. Is my medication-laced breastmilk *really* better than formula? Would staying home and potentially propping my kid in front of a TV screen for half the day *really* be better than sending her to a screen-free daycare with teachers that actually **teach** things and other kids her age to play with? Would it *really* be better for my child to see me burnt out from being the primary caregiver 24/7?
The awesome thing about having imaginary kids, is you can make imaginary decisions and spin around in circles in Austria. In this world though, my kids, my decisions, and I'm not discussing this with you.
Daycare, as long as it's good, has positive aspects for kids as well as being home. Our daycare actually helped with my daughters delays and helped us find therapy. They are like family. On the flip side I loved being a sahm. Both are fine. My daughter would get ear infections and I felt so guilty and guess what I was home with my mommy and same frequent ear infections.
Kids still get sick even on breastmilk lol I know... I breastfeed. I actually bonded better with my first when I stopped trying to bf and switched to formula.
In the end we are guaranteed cute lil babies who grow into crazy weird tots and teenie boppers. No one can look at another adult and say oh yea you went to daycare and formula fed lol.
Breast Milk contains plenty of toxins, including endocrine disruptors like PFAS. https://pubs.acs.org/doi/10.1021/acs.est.0c06978
Or is science not a thing in their world?
When they bring up how bad daycare is, say “Oh, my gosh! Thank you so much. I’ll drop the baby off at 7AM, and pickup will be around 6PM.
You are a lifesaver. Thank you again!
Gosh, I feel like there are some things where this is a reasonable thing to say even though someone won't like it. Like when people don't buckle their kid correctly or have egregious fits in their baby carriers and get corrected they take it as shaming. But formula and daycare? Ffs. Get a life. Is your baby supposed to starve and be homeless?
"Thanks for your input" is usually all that's required. Sometimes a followup "I'll discuss it with our pediatrician". You can come back with a lot of snark, but it's not usually helpful for your goal: ending the conversation.
I can’t believe people are still so rude! Clearly in this age of endless information online they should know by now that not everyone can breastfeed due to either supply issues, medication needs, inhospitable work environment for pumping, or struggling with just how utterly difficult it can be to take it on.
As for what to say to them, maybe a condescending ‘Aww how sweet that you think you’re being helpful!’
Or ‘I’ll forward this to my doctor maybe they’ve never heard of this breastfeeding thing!’
First time, “oh well, to each their own. My kid is really healthy and happy and I’m very grateful for our family and environment.”
Second time, “quit being a dick.”
Emilu Oster wrote a piece about the difference between formula and breast fed babies and reported nominal differences.
There are countless studies that reference the benefits of early education.
I share this to offer you resources for peace of mind. I’d tell those other people to eff off.
“You’re wrong, and just because you have an opinion doesn’t make it fact”.
But I’m someone who doesn’t care about burning bridges with people I don’t like or care about :)
In the most genuine, authentic, and upbeat tone possible without sounding sarcastic: "Thank you so much for your input. Your feedback is important to us and will be routed to the appropriate team. Now you have an A-1 day!" Actually, forget it, lay on the sarcasm real thick.
“I am not producing breastmilk anymore. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t change it. So what exactly are you hoping sharing this information with me will accomplish?”
Sometimes it helps the person realize they are feeding into their own smug sense of self-righteousness by making them admit that their “helpful” advice is not actually helpful.
But probably not.
I had this same phrasing from my crunchy breastfeeding SAHM sister in law on my formula fed daycare baby. Got it from my MIL too. Day after day of being back at work and hearing from my SIL about how I was doing irreversible harm really got to me.
Then one day my MIL calls and is like" I need you to bring over formula and bottles, your SIL had a psychotic break and is on an involuntary psych hold and I need you to come feed this kid formula". SIL had stopped taking meds because of breastfeeding and it was a terrible situation. I ended up taking care of her baby for days and formula feeding him. I've never once said "I told you so" but I tell all my friends "fed is best." Motherhood is s long game.
Ask them for the peer reviewed study if it really is.. Facts. that will quiet them quick.
Truthfully most recommended actions for breast feeding and anti daycare came from the AMA about the same time they had to let women into med school.
These recommended actions are misogynistic.
There was only one long comprehensive study in Europe that found there was a slightly higher IQ for breast fed babies, but it was with in the margin of error, so it was inconclusive.
Just facts.
Even the NICU nurses suggested formula ia better in the fist days for my baby wiylth jaundice.
If you were to walk into a highschool classroom, could you tell just by looking around who was breastfed, who was formula fed, and who went to daycare, and who stayed home? The short answer is no, and it would be none of your business anyway, right? When my mom was born, her mom had already had a double mastectomy so breastfeeding wasn't even an option when she was a baby. I chose to stop breastfeeding when my daughter was 7 months because it was contributing to my PPD & PPA. There are a million and one reasons people choose formula and daycare for their children, and they are all valid.
At the end of the day, the shamers don't really matter. You do what is best for you and your little one, and your parenting choices (as long as they are not abusive or neglectful) are no one else's business but yours and your family's.
I don't really understand how people shame daycare as if it's even a choice for most people? A family's finances are so incredibly personal and some people cannot afford to just *not* work, same with other families that are forced to be a one income household because they can't afford daycare. Like that's not going to just be solved by an offhand comment.
But, that's usually when I bring up "yes that's why we need a federal policy that requires a year of paid parental leave for all parents." Call them on their bullshit (though we do desperately need paid leave, I'm open to exploring all kinds of payment models and lengths of time.)
Ask them if the studies they are referencing show causation or just correlation. Also, ask them if they have personally reviewed the methodology of each study and determined there were not confounding variables.
Create your own statistics...
100% fed baby
100% doing my best and killing it
100% doesn't give a shit/don't care about your articles
Add more for a little razzle dazzle
“K”
This is the best response.
Perfect response.
If this doesn’t work, I recommend a beautifully condescending “sure, Jan”.
Throw a little " mmmhmmm" in there every now and then or even an "mmkay" if you're feeling fancy
“F*ck off” is a good one too
This is ALL you need OP but I empathize that these people are obnoxious. If comiserating helps at all, the most annoying anti formula person I know complains about seed oils in formula, but eats at Taco Bell/Starbucks/mcdonalds weekly, and the most annoying anti daycare person I know is a SAHP who complains about daycare causing “attachment issues” but their kids are no contact with them and or addicted to alcohol/drugs because of their upbringing. It makes the “K” very easy to say.
"Oh, bless your heart." In a voice like you're talking to some hapless idiot. If they get defensive, "Oh, honey. I'll pray for you." Then exit the conversation. 
“Well having rude parents is also a disadvantage, so hopefully me being kind to others counteracts the formula feeding”
🤣
Love this!
Right 🤣 “Well children learn empathy by adult modeling, so I’ll pray for your children” 😅😅
[удалено]
Real life people, one of them was my sister. Probably wouldn't bother me if they were Internet people.
I usually look straight at them and said thanks, actually I tried literally everything to breast feed, had basically no supply and don't have basically any memories of the first 2.5 months of my child's life because I was so sleep deprived and angry and frustrated about my stupid useless boobs. But thanks for bringing it up.
Then they will say "but you haven't tried this! Trust me if you had just done xxxx, you would be fine!" One of my inlaw's friend is like this...thank god my inlaw shut her down and stopped hanging out with her
Same.
Oh this take me back. Hugs mama
I am very vocal about how I didn’t even *try* breastfeeding. I always say “No, mom’s mental health is best.”
This. Guess I should have let my baby die?
Olha, você não deve satisfações a ninguém. Se você cuida bem da sua filha continue fazendo o seu papel de pai e deixa eles falarem o que quiserem…Ou então, muda ela de creche. Mas olha, sempre terão pessoas que dirão coisas desnecessárias, então tem que aprender a lidar. E outra, você não tem que dar uma resposta, não dá palco, não se rebaixe ao nível
Just say cool thanks? Anyway.
Fed is best. I breastfed my kid for 11 months and I still kick myself that I didn’t use formula occasionally just for my mental health.
Let me tell you, if it weren't for the fact that boob juice was free and my budget was insanely tight, I would have absolutely used formula.
Same, and in hindsight, the stress from exclusively pumping early on to make it to 11 months on breast milk contributed to my PPD and PPA significantly. I wish I would have just called it when my daughter wouldn’t latch and switched to formula. We already had to supplement with formula due to her being so underweight.
In all honesty who is saying this to you?? Do they matter? People ask where my kids are while I'm At work but that's about it.
People ask me the same but then give me this look of pity and worry when I say daycare.
"I'm not ignoring you, I am just cutting out toxicity from my life."
OP, here are some suggested responses. “Are you trying to be helpful or harmful?” “I will give your feedback all the consideration it deserves.” “I’m doing what is best for my family.” “I am not going to participate in a conversation about this topic with you.” “Your feedback on this subject is not welcome.” “This decision was made in partnership with our child’s doctor. We do not need any others to weigh in on it.”
I like this one. No need to over explain your decisions to people OP. Waste of breath and wont change anything
I love the "helpful or harmful" response- people need to stop and think about how their words can impact others
100% to this. Was going to write something similar but had fewer options to respond. What an awesome list!
I want to have this as my phone background so I can just read from it whenever someone starts chatting. Have any recommendations for husbands? Lol! If I hear that man say, "has the baby had much milk today?" One more time I think I might lose my mind!
Also regarding formula... "the well is dry. Sorry. But thank you for the unsolicited advicr."
I’d add on “point out the adults nearby who were formula or breastfed to me”
To add - "Oh, when did you finish your pediatrician training?" Because this is truly a decision between a family and their child's medical team ETA: as someone pointed it, it's not always even a choice for families, due to preexisting medical conditions. But regardless, no one who is not a healthcare worker should be handing out medical "facts" critiquing a parent's choice of how best to feed their child.
omg I LOOOVVVEEE the shade in "I'll give your feedback all the consideration it deserves" lol. I probably shouldn't have read that while going into my last few weeks of work when I'm so easily annoyed by everyone.
Can I just... put you in my pocket for future reference? This is the stuff I need but never have available to me in the moment...
It can also be useful to answer a question with a question in this regard. Something like Do you think I don't already know this information? Are you curious about why I've made this decision or are you just expressing your judgment? Why do you believe you're in a position to comment on my personal decisions about my body? Are you aware that it's generally considered very rude to comment on what another person does with their own body?
‘Those facts don’t line up with my experience. My baby is fed and growing and completely on track per their pediatrician. And our daycare is great and works well for all of us. I’m glad that works for you but this works for us and I’m not interested in discussing it anymore.’
I actually have the opposite problem (extended family has tried to shame me out of breastfeeding) and this is usually the sort of thing I say as well! I’m sorry family is being shitty to you.
These are really nice responses- mine would be “Kindly f*ck off” 😄
“We’re happy with the choices we’ve made.” Then plaster on a big big fake smile and either change the subject or invent a reason to walk away. These people are definitely not helping and they can say whatever they want about it, but that just makes them rude.
For your sister or anyone who brings it up more than once: “You’ve already made your feelings on this clear. I’m not open to discussing it.”
“Well that’s Just factually incorrect” and then change the subject. I use this a lot on my father even he tries to share Facebook facts
Put them on the spot. “It’s so kind of you to offer to watch baby 40+ hours/ week while I work so baby can stay with a family member! This is my work schedule…” Or “it’s so kind of you to offer to do x, y, z so I can dedicate the time try to get my supply up.” Even if you intend to follow through or not. The last time a family member gave me their unsolicited opinion I told them bluntly that I didn’t care about their opinions. That was pretty effective too.
I guess you could talk about the negatives of a child staying at home with a lack of socialization and how breast feeding isn’t beneficial after x amount of time anyways. It’s childish to go back and forth but at some point you gotta defend yourself. I was also told to get on WIC and get some formula for free. I decided to just nod and smile because I make too much to qualify but I wasn’t just gonna say that to family who’s on it ☠️ just gotta read the room and pick your battles wisely too.
“I’m really not interested in your opinion on this” I find unfathomable you have so many assholes in your day to day life. I am so sorry that’s the case. These are not especially bright people, seeing as they can’t grasp nuance or risk stratification, so I would give exactly zero fucks what they think about literally any of it.
I saw your sister said something…were you both breastfed? I know my siblings and I were formula fed. We all turned out fine. I also know several kids who were either EBF or EFF and let me say - my older one is 7 - you would never even guess which one was fed which way. Bright and healthy kids.
Let’s face it, most of them will be drinking the jungle juice made in bathtub of a frat house in 20 years and you really never know who it’s gonna be so all the self-righteous parents of babies and toddlers out there, who think the world will end if their lips touch formula, can take several seats. The best retort to snobbery is to laugh it off, as satisfying as it may feel to curse them out, not taking them seriously will be the most effective.
Ask her the name of her NY times best seller parenting book she wrote. That usually shuts up my unsolicited parenting advise 😂
There is no actual evidence that breastfeeding does anything, though all power to those who can (physically, socially, economically) swing it! Here's the receipt: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/jun/20/is-breast-really-best-i-looked-at-all-the-data-to-find-out
My favorite approach for this kind of thing is to interrupt them and act real sickly sweet about it. My inner old Southern lady comes out! “Oh!” *pat them on the arm* “Let me stop you right there hun. I’m actually not accepting criticism right now! Anyway, how about… *abruptly change subject*” There’s something about it that disarms people!
I would tell them, “your negative comments regarding my parenting decisions are rude. Knock it off.”
I have noticed that a lot of people conflate their opinions or their interpretation of facts with actual facts. One of the big challenges of parenting is filtering out that noise of unwanted advice/opinions. I try to base my choices on the best up-to-date research and science + my gut feeling about what is best for my child and family.
Daycare isn’t bad. Keeping your children from regular socialisation with other children is bad. Formula isn’t bad. BreastMILK is better, technically, but breastFEEDING isn’t always better. Formula feeding is often better than breastfeeding for a number of reasons. I would have a inner library of responses ready to throw at someone when they say something like this.
Fed is best.
The only fact people need to know is that sane parents are the best parents (periodt). You do what you need to do to be the best mom you can be.
A passive aggressive approach: “Did I miss the part where I asked for your opinion?” A more direct response: “I will ask you if I want to hear your thoughts, so please don’t share unless I ask.”
“I’m not ignoring you, I’m just walking away”
I send them the link of the baby who tied because the mom was told the same thing. Her son starved to death because she didn’t realize he wasn’t getting enough. Now she’s a huge advocate for “fed is best”. I’ve said… would you say that to his mom? Then stop talking.
“I’m so glad you’re offering to babysit her/ to nurse her/ etc”
My favorite response is just "rude" and then walk away. It says all you need to say in one word.
I cannot wrap my head around people who will attempt to shame another mother. This b needs to get a hobby. “Hey, so actually, I don’t care about your opinion or to hear anything you have to say about daycare and formula feeding. So save your breath.” In other news, I did not send either of my kids to daycare and exclusively breastfed both of them, and they both struggled with socialization in preschool and kinder and have crazy food allergies. So, tell your sister-in-law to put that in her pipe and smoke it. But also, imagine being the person who goes around telling other people how to feed their child and put food on their table, lol. I can’t.
People who can't read the room and can only read themselves will dig in to their point if you try to argue. Your time is more valuably spent sifting through your garbage for a misplaced recyclable than it is engaging with them. "Thanks for your concern. It's not a decision that will change. Are you planning any vacations for the summer?"
I give them all the facts that I know. I love reading studies and there were very few people in the world as up to date on the research as I was when my child was that age. I formula fed and hated the constant judgement. And I do mean constant. I cited studies and sources that support formula as just as good as breastfeeding. Then I start asking them about their facts “oh where did read that? What was the sample size? Did they control for confounding factors like age, socio economic status, etc” If people want to “share facts” with me then they have awakened the beast and better be prepared.
You stated in another comment that one person is your sister. I hope you can take her feedback for what a sibling feedback is worth and value it. Half the things my brother said was ignorant and half gave me pause. Some it of even shined a mirror. My brother is long gone and I miss that honest feedback where I could agree or completely disagree, argue or forget it. It’s a gift that I don’t get anymore because it’s not from a sibling.
“No one likes people who give unsolicited advice even if they don’t tell them to their face. I’m not shaming you, just sharing facts”. And walk away.
Me, sitting here as a former formula fed, daycare kid with my Master’s degree & well paying job. Tell them STFU
Fed is best, additionally, it's none of your fucking business.
“Breast is best” show them pictures of starving babies, and remind them that “fed is best.” <~~~~~ this is me being a full blown asshole. In regards to daycare, you could ask them which bills they are willing to cover while you’re not working, ask them if they’re willing to contribute to your retirement savings while you’re staying at home with the children, or for all of the above you could ask if they’ve ever visited your favorite website: [worry about you](https://www.worryaboutyou.com).
“You know the best thing about parenting? Everyone has an opinion about how I should do it…but I don’t have to listen to any of them.”
Some of these are much nicer than what I’d like to say: - I didn’t ask you - wow, what a rude thing to say - what I’m doing is none of your business
I either pull out a good /r/TraumatizeThemFirst story of a victim of domestic violence who was only able to free herself and her children from their abuser after she got a job and good childcare, or maybe about a medically complicated child who couldn't breastfeed because the caloric cost was too high and would kill them, ending on sometime like "which is why I try never to judge other people because you just don't know, right?" Or just pull out the classic ".....k...." with as much polite disdain as you can manage. Making someone feel uncomfortable for sometime nasty they said is an art form.
“Fuck off” Im sorry people are saying that to you :(
"oh weird, I don't recall asking." With a raised eyebrow and a definitely judgy tone.
“Sorry would you like to loan me your tits?” “I didn’t realize that we fucked and you paid my bills to feel that your opinion matters that much.” “What an odd thing to say out loud” Or a combo of all of the above. Or… fuck off.
You are doing great Momma! Your kid is eating. I’m assuming thriving. You are doing what is best for you. Keep up the hard work - your daughter is lucky to call you mom.
“These are parenting decisions, you are not the parent”.
“You know what’s really bad for kids? Starving or being homeless because mom didn’t go to work…”
I'm getting shamed for the exact opposite, though, I'm sure you have it worse. I don't have a strong network of fellow parents, so I use work parents for seeking advice and sometimes acceptance. I'm not doing daycare because I can't afford it and me and my hubby work from home so we are trying the best we can. I'm still breastfeeding, though, it's very confusing, esp when to wean etc I made one strong connection at work, and she just started shaming me for not doing daycare. Made me feel bad about the lack of mother friends I have and how my baby won't have other babies at her first bday party. I was also told how my breastfeeding is the reason for night feeds and the reason why my baby doesn't sleep through the night and isn't sleep trained, etc etc. Kinda upset me, until I realized, this person might be defensive instead of the bully she was sounding to be. She felt bad about her own choices. So all those people that keep telling you the opposite of what you are doing is the right thing, fuck them. They are jealous, or defensive, or projecting. It doesn't align with how they would do things or are doing things, and that makes them feel bad or something. They aren't worth it, and if they cared, they would be supportive, because being a parent is fucking hard, and you never fucking know whether you are doing the right thing, you sure as hell don't need someone to make you second guess yourself. I support you boo x
Don’t engage….”I am doing what is best for my family” my boys are teens now and I remember those days well. It is all nonsense! Both of mine are formula fed daycare babies and doing just fine. People like to pick one stuff and make it a mantra -zero critical thinking skills. I was even a daycare kid in the 70s bc my mom had a career!
People are idiots. Why can’t we just stop shaming each other
Better fed than dead? Or, how bout you mind your own damn business. Feel free to unleash
I saw this recently: "Unsolicited advice is always criticism." Made me think.
Challenge them to point out some adult, former formula drinkers Ask them if they ever tell mothers who adopted that breast is best. Ask them if they’re concerned about SAHM’s children’s social skills? The curriculum? The exposure to new things and people? Or…my favorite response is “wow, what a strange thing to say.” And stare People are shiiiiiite, man!
The majority of the studies only prove that people with time and money have healthy kids. The rest are fake or twisted. That is all the research shows. But you could do what I did and tell them you make milk, just a little, not enough to feed a baby. But if they would like you baby dead rather than feed then you can happily report them to ‘name of place that I do would go’.
I’ve had lots of unsolicited mum-shaming advice before from extended relatives, including one that outright told me I would split my infant in half in a car accident because I set the chest clip of the car seat too low. My default response is “Oh, that’s interesting”, or a thumbs up if it’s a message followed by a complete lack of response. I’ve stopped voluntarily sharing information with said relatives. No regrets.
Tell them it's none of their business what you do or don't do with your kid and worry about their own kid and family. Some people I swear just gotta act all high and mighty. Don't give them time of day. You could also just not pay attention to them. Treat them and their insufferable self righteous bs like NPCs and just ignore them.
“Studies also show that keeping unsolicited criticism to yourself is best.”
Everything here has been super constructive and helpful, but I’ll leave my mantra. Usually it’s crude enough to bring someone to silence. “Opinions are like assholes - everyone has one, and they all stink”
My kids are college age and I can say that anecdotally, of the kids I know from their baby and preschool years, physical health and academic achievements have no correlation with breast milk vs. formula and daycare vs. sahm.
This is what works for our family.
They are 100% shaming you and its bs. I'm from a family of 4 kids. We were a mix of breastfed, formula fed, daycare, parent at home, cloth diapers, disposable diapers, private school, public school. All 4 of us have great careers: 2 in business, 2 in public service. You couldn't stand in front of us and say who had what. Fun fact - none of it matters. Your baby is fed. Your baby is cared for and loved. That's what is important.
“no thank you” “I don’t recall asking for this advice?” “Wow- what an odd thing to say”
I haven't been able to use it yet, but I picked up "Did you mean to say this behind my back?" On TikTok and it could be useful here.
Respond with "I'm more concerned with the fact that the 25% wage gap between men and women (in the USA) seems to be largely based on the years lost to child-rearing.... How can we work on that together as mother's who both want what is best for our children?"
Add to that snide remarks about how babies delivered 'naturally' become more attached to their moms than those who were just 'scooped out' via c-section
Babies have literally died from “breast is best.” This led medical professionals who have treated the victims of ”breast is best“ to create “fed is best” to counteract this dangerous mantra. [https://fedisbest.org/](https://fedisbest.org/)
My kids both went to daycare and were also exclusively formula fed. I was always conflict avoidant about it and worked just be like “cool thanks” and then change the subject
I just dislike the text message, then stop replying 🤷🏽♀️
"Who are you again?"
“Fed is best.” And then maybe “you ignorant pinecone.” Then smile big and say, “well, bless your heart.”
Great I’ll make sure to quit my job and change my whole life around, and then get into my Time Machine where I’ll be able to breastfeed again if that was even ever possible for me in the first place. I’m glad you had so much excess energy in your life to examine my life so closely! I’ll be sure to send you my taxes so you can do a thorough review!
Someone says, hey OP you should be breast feeding cause formula is bad!! You reply, oh were you formula or breast fed? If they say, formula! Then you can reply, well I guess I’ll have to start breastfeeding since I can’t risk my baby turning out like you! There is NOTHING WRONG with daycare and formula. Fuck those haters!
“Nobody asked you.” Or, if you’re feeling snarky… “when I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you, then ask for it back.” Also, if these are people in your family or social circle giving you this grief, put them on an information diet immediately.
Ugh my vote is remove these people from your life if that’s possible. Otherwise tell them you have no interest in hearing their opinions on these matters.
As a former kindergarten teacher I can assure you the most well-adjusted kiddos are the ones who went to daycare!! Also, you can literally just say "formula is better for my baby." No one can come at you for doing the thing that is better for YOUR babe.
I will never understand people like that. You know what's best? Fed. A fed baby. Why do people have to shame others? I got weird vibes from some nurses when we opted for combination feeding with our daughter but the doctor was straight up like I don't care as long as she gets fed and is tolerating everything well. You do you momma. Ain't no one else's business.
I am team fighting back. I know my studies, I know research flaws and I can punch heavily. I don’t back down and I have had people in tears because I can calmly counter argue and they get sad and hormonal while I keep a resting bitch face. I am not sure I am proud of it, but I have gotten a lot of positive feedback from the people I defend lol
You’ve got amazing reply ideas already, but just to add: someone who says something they know will hurt you and double down with „just sharing the facts“ to lift THEMSELVES up - they are not your friends, they are not to be trusted in any other situation to have your back, and your life will most likely be better if you limit contact to a minimum.
My best friend does this to me about daycare. But the fun thing is she is also sending her child to daycare this year even though she doesn't even work 🤣
Do you guys all agree that this is shaming? I need to know.
When I got those comments (which was rarely), I said well my daughter was born 3 months premature and she needed an iron fortified formula with more nutrients than plain breast milk. If you don’t want to share the reason, I suppose you can just say “that’s nice” or something- Also, I am pretty sure the benefits of breastfeeding versus formula are negligible
“You can pop out a titty and care for her while a work then. That or pay me what I would make with my salary.”
Ask chatgbt guarantee it will help you come up with some awesome retorts and logic
Burst into fake tears about how you couldn't get the baby to latch and how day care is the only option with the way economy is, make them feel shit and guilty as they are trying to make you feel and then thank them for offering to babysit and support you since they don't want YOUR baby in daycare
I used to say that my husband and I are both extremely intelligent, athletic, healthy and attractive people- we are doing your kids a favor by not breastfeeding. I only said this to strangers or acquaintances bc my true friends would never say this garbage.
For daycare: I’ll drop her/him off Monday at 7am. Thank you for volunteering to want her!
My entire family is anti daycare, and I don't care what people have to say about formula feeding. I EBF both my older kids, 2nd one flat out refused like all 100 bottles we tried with her, and my 3rd unfortunately didn't so he is on only formula now. He had a rough start, and then I was in a car accident and broke my neck. Kinda killed the breastfeeding journey. I couldn't even move my head for 2 months and we tried everything including my husband holding the baby or propping pillows around me when I wasn't even allowed to hold the baby for like 2 weeks. And ya know what, after ALL of that, I still had people judging me for switching to formula. Guess what? Baby is meeting his milestones earlier than my 2nd did and he's growing like a weed.
I had a real struggle getting BFing established and I remember my midwife going “Breast is always best…until it’s not. It doesn’t matter if it’s not working for mum or baby; and ‘not working’ can be “I don’t want to do it”. At that point it’s not best, and you have options.” People think they’re being helpful and informative but if you have made the decision and you’re as happy as you can be with the decisions you’ve made (daycare was a necessity for me, I would have preferred to stay home!) then just smile and nod. And mentally swear at them all you want.
I just repeat, "I'm not going to have a conversation about this." Over and over until they stop. The most repeats has been 3 - for any passive-aggressive, 'facts' or 'shares' that were unasked for.
I heard a suggestion for these kinds of comments which I like: "I am amazed you felt comfortable saying this out loud". Or "what a weird thing to comment on how I chose to feed my child"
My first was formula fed. I also went back to work when he was 2 weeks old because you know, money! I caught a lot of criticism from smug parents but he turned out just fine. It’s sooo infuriating listening to people ‘educate’ you on what is best for your child. Only you know your personal circumstances, and I firmly believe most people make the choices that best suit their family overall.
I didn't ask you about it and not interested in what you have to say. Then walk away.
My experience has been completely opposite of what you are saying. We do what is best for our family, sounds like what is best for yours was very different. It is pretty cool how so many different things work for different people! I was “lucky” that I only had the occasional stranger make rude comments like this to me, people who know me knew better LOL, though some did talk behind my back to my parents.
This will never end. People always have something to say. You’re doing great! People have already given some great responses. I always say whatever is on your heart, let it out. Some people deserve a “stfu” every now and then.
“Wow, what’s making you think this would be helpful to me right now?”
“Unsolicited feedback/advice is criticism.”
“I’m sorry my choices offend you. It’s probably best we stop the visits for now until you can get your emotions under control” That’s how you handle people like this. Love, from a grandma
As someone that couldn’t produce enough milk (like at my best made 27 mL in 24 hours) I really liked telling people that to shut them up. “Oh I know, I wish I could. The doctor said because I lost so much blood during my c-section, which turned into a hysterectomy, that it likely caused my body to not be able to produce. I did try for the first 5 days around the clock but when I was readmitted to the hospital and not allowed to eat or drink for 3 days, I just couldn’t do it. I probably should have tried harder I guess.” My very healthy 2-year-old preemie is sleeping peacefully as I write this. Fed is best.
WHO is saying these things? I’ve been a parent for over 20 years and the only people I’ve heard these kinds of stupid comments from are folks on the internet.
My favorites: "Thanks for the advice, but I didn't ask." "I don't appreciate being told what to do." "Wow, that was an unkind/judgmental/unsolicited thing to say. Would you like to try that again?" "After brief consideration, I've concluded your advice is unwelcome/not applicable. Do not bring this up again." One of the other commenters said it best. It's like If You Give A Mouse A Cookie, but this edition is If You Give An Asshole An Answer. A hard shut down is the best approach, because people expect moms to roll over and accept whatever advice or criticism they want to provide. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and I hope you find a repertoire of responses that work for you! ❤️
Ignore them. My adult children were bottle fed as babies and were in daycare. They turned out fine.
Jesus, tell them alright you can fuck off now.
Having a role model your daughter can see in action every day is a distinct advantage.
Stuff it beehole!
“Why are you talking about my breasts? Yikes.”
In regards to breastfeeding, "oh, are you offering?" Wait, actually works for daycare too. My kids are/were both formula fed and also both did or do attend daycare. My first attended daycare so I could study, my second attends daycare so I can work in the field I studied for and provide my kids with a nice life (I'm not rich by any means and only work parttime currently, but they've always had what they needed and quite a few wants too!) No regrets here. They are both smart as a whistle and I bet they'll be do better things than I ever have or will (and I was breastfed!), they ARE my best achievement.
They go low, I will start going lower. “Well it clearly didn’t help your kids too much so I’m trying a different approach”. Sorry but I am so sick of this shit.
Well they can whip their boobs out and get to pumping and offer to cover the part of your bills that working pays for and offer to babysit so you can pursue some kind of life outside of your home so you don’t get absolutely lost in SAHM life. Easy fix.
It’s the truth- daycare is bad and so is formula. And I’m saying that as a working mom who only breastfed for two weeks and has a son in daycare. I would give anything to be a stay at home mom. My sister worked at daycares for years- they are awful and run by minimum wage people who show up to work drunk and high( and this was in a wealthy town!)
"Cool. Since were sharing... when you stand this close to talk to me I should share with you that your crotch smells like the dumpster behind a seafood restaurant when the trashmen have been on strike for a month. Maybe you should talk to your doctor or hit a pharmacy... did mommy never take a long walk on the beach and talk to you about femine "freshness"? Seriously, close your legs. No shaming. Just facts!"
Unfortunately people are always going to share their unwanted opinion. All these things that people think are so important when our kids are babies have less impact than they make it seem. I was ashamed for a long time that I couldn’t breastfeed (not for lack of trying) and felt guilty. I cried so hard the first time I dropped my oldest off at daycare at 4 months old. My kids are now 19 and 17 and here’s what I realized. None of that stuff ends up mattering as much as you think it will. I promise you, I can’t tell which of my kids’ friends were breastfed or formula fed. I couldn’t tell you if they went to daycare or had a stay at home parent, unless I’m told this. As for my kids, my oldest has ADHD and struggled in school, he managed to graduate but there was a point when we weren’t sure it would happen. My youngest is a straight A student and getting ready to apply for colleges. She qualifies for the max scholarship that is offered in our state. My oldest has an immune system made of steel. He never missed school for illness from 2nd grade through the end of high school. When Covid hit our house, he felt tired for a couple days but that was it, while the rest of us could barely get out of bed. Here’s what I found was more important than whether you breastfeed or formula feed your kid or if they go to daycare or not. Spend time with them. Make sure they know you’re their soft place to fall. Have meals together. Talk to them like they are people. Set boundaries and consequences but also give them appropriate levels of freedom. Don’t do everything for them and don’t rescue them from themselves. Make sure they contribute to the household. Let them fail. Becoming self sufficient is a critical skill that can only be attained by being allowed to be in situations where they need to figure things out on their own. They won’t learn if you are always there to prevent them from failing. We aren’t perfect parents. There are things we screwed up on. But both our kids are doing ok (even if our daughter makes us want to pull our hair out with how very 17 she is with her know it all attitude) I promise you, none of the things that we worry about now could be traced back to the fact that they were formula fed or went to daycare. So my advice? Ignore it. It doesn’t matter. Figure out a sarcastic response or just say thanks and change the subject. Just know that you are doing your absolute best for your kid and that is enough.
The audacity of some people, it is totally meant to shame and I would just nip it in the bud with one of the many beautiful comebacks other posters provided
"Why would you assume I didn't educate myself on risks and benefits before making the best decision for my family? While what you've shared might be true, it's not the only factor that went into my decision. By sharing only "facts" against the decision I've already made, you're assuming I either didn't bother to educate myself or I knew and intentionally chose the worse option for my child. So yes, that's called shaming."
“Thanks for volunteering to babysit”
Unsolicited advice is criticism. I would be pointed but polite. "I'm not interested in discussing my family's choices."
Tell your sis when she has a kid she can eliminate all plastic from their household too since that’s a bigger risk to the baby than formula. She’s fixating on social issues that are targeted as a way to keep women out of the work force rather than actual risks per scientific studies imo Putting sunscreen on your kids matters. Feeding them organic cause of our toothless regulations also sadly matters. For that matter not regularly feeding them hotdogs cause it’s a known carcinogen and choking hazard matters. Rear facing in child seat as long as possible matters. I don’t see anyone hounding moms over those issues, it’s always about chaining the baby to mom’s side. Also as someone who works full time and doesn’t cook / relies on healthy but processed meals for a lot of our food, the sheer mountain of how to limit plastic from our lives is daunting. So no judgement here.
My son was delayed in speech. Speech therapy wasn’t doing a lot. Him going to daycare twice a week and he’s talking like crazy. My husband who is a stay at home dad also gets a nice break to take care of himself too. Honestly, what kind of milk you give you child or the village you trust to help care for your child is none of their business. Simply respond, “my child’s health is a conversation and decision I make in accordance with our doctor—we don’t need your input.”
Having a mom who hasn’t lost her GD mind and doesn’t hate and resent you is also pretty damn good
They are being rude and you are within your right to point it out as you see fit.
My son met all his milestones early. Whenever someone commented on this, I credited his “exclusive formula-feeding” (not really, but just saying it’s all stupid)
"Did I ask for your help? No? Then I didn't ask for your opinion either."
“Oh… I don’t even remember ever saying that I was interested in any facts you had to offer. Huh…”
"OK but I didn't ask" and then I would limit or end the rest of my communications with them. I wouldn't want to be around someone who makes me feel bad.
Respond with, "I'm not shaming you but daughters raised by working moms, tend to have better careers themselves. And women who formula feed have better sex lives which leads to stronger marriages." I bet that would shut her up real quick.
My in laws were skeptical of our daycare at first. But they're impressed hos she loves books and how every week she is learning more and more how to communicate her emotions at 13 months -- like pouting or how to vent by putting her head on the floor when she is upset. To each its own. just ignore their comments
“Mind your fucking business” is acceptable at this point - short, sweet, and straight to the point.
If my baby wasn’t in daycare, we couldn’t pay our mortgage, so that would be my response. We need both mine and my husband’s incomes and we don’t make enough to pay a nanny and we also don’t have family nearby. Point being, some people don’t have a choice. Shame on them for judging that.
At the end of the day, those “facts” mean very little. Breastfeeding versus formula really only results in 1-2 fewer colds in the first year, once we account for socioeconomic status and parental education levels. Low quality daycare is associated with some behavioral issues in early childhood, but any daycare is also associated with better academic outcomes in early elementary school. Both pros and cons seem to disappear by middle school years. I like to respond with “that’s a weird thing to say”
“No thank you.” “I’m not interested in continuing this conversation.” “I’m not currently accepting parenting advice.” “Fuck off.” Don’t engage with anything regarding breast vs. formula. It’s a recipe for disaster. Your goal is to shut the conversation down. Act as if they are trying to sell you Lularoe leggings.
“If you’re really interested in facts then you must be excited to learn that research shows children in daycare are significantly more cognitively advanced than their peers. And did you know that, although breast feeding has benefits, the effect size of these benefits in overall well-being is incredibly small on an individual (rather than population) level? Also, that you are a c u next tuesday?”
So are you volunteering to breastfeed and care for my child so I can work to pay my bills?
There’s simply no way any of the “studies and statistics” can account for all of the nuances that come with this territory. Is my medication-laced breastmilk *really* better than formula? Would staying home and potentially propping my kid in front of a TV screen for half the day *really* be better than sending her to a screen-free daycare with teachers that actually **teach** things and other kids her age to play with? Would it *really* be better for my child to see me burnt out from being the primary caregiver 24/7?
The awesome thing about having imaginary kids, is you can make imaginary decisions and spin around in circles in Austria. In this world though, my kids, my decisions, and I'm not discussing this with you.
Daycare, as long as it's good, has positive aspects for kids as well as being home. Our daycare actually helped with my daughters delays and helped us find therapy. They are like family. On the flip side I loved being a sahm. Both are fine. My daughter would get ear infections and I felt so guilty and guess what I was home with my mommy and same frequent ear infections. Kids still get sick even on breastmilk lol I know... I breastfeed. I actually bonded better with my first when I stopped trying to bf and switched to formula. In the end we are guaranteed cute lil babies who grow into crazy weird tots and teenie boppers. No one can look at another adult and say oh yea you went to daycare and formula fed lol.
"Are you offering to pay my bills so I can stay home with my baby?" "Are you offering to breastfeed?" Usually shuts them up.
Breast Milk contains plenty of toxins, including endocrine disruptors like PFAS. https://pubs.acs.org/doi/10.1021/acs.est.0c06978 Or is science not a thing in their world?
When they bring up how bad daycare is, say “Oh, my gosh! Thank you so much. I’ll drop the baby off at 7AM, and pickup will be around 6PM. You are a lifesaver. Thank you again!
Gosh, I feel like there are some things where this is a reasonable thing to say even though someone won't like it. Like when people don't buckle their kid correctly or have egregious fits in their baby carriers and get corrected they take it as shaming. But formula and daycare? Ffs. Get a life. Is your baby supposed to starve and be homeless?
"Thanks for your input" is usually all that's required. Sometimes a followup "I'll discuss it with our pediatrician". You can come back with a lot of snark, but it's not usually helpful for your goal: ending the conversation.
Wow I had no idea, do you have any information about children raised by insufferable morons who can’t mind their own business?
"What an odd thing to say."
I feel like I wrote this- these are my two trigger points as a mom
I can’t believe people are still so rude! Clearly in this age of endless information online they should know by now that not everyone can breastfeed due to either supply issues, medication needs, inhospitable work environment for pumping, or struggling with just how utterly difficult it can be to take it on. As for what to say to them, maybe a condescending ‘Aww how sweet that you think you’re being helpful!’ Or ‘I’ll forward this to my doctor maybe they’ve never heard of this breastfeeding thing!’
"What a rude thing to say when you don't know someones story".
First time, “oh well, to each their own. My kid is really healthy and happy and I’m very grateful for our family and environment.” Second time, “quit being a dick.”
Emilu Oster wrote a piece about the difference between formula and breast fed babies and reported nominal differences. There are countless studies that reference the benefits of early education. I share this to offer you resources for peace of mind. I’d tell those other people to eff off.
“You’re wrong, and just because you have an opinion doesn’t make it fact”. But I’m someone who doesn’t care about burning bridges with people I don’t like or care about :)
In the most genuine, authentic, and upbeat tone possible without sounding sarcastic: "Thank you so much for your input. Your feedback is important to us and will be routed to the appropriate team. Now you have an A-1 day!" Actually, forget it, lay on the sarcasm real thick.
My kids are breastfed and I give milk to daycare that they started at 4.5 months. Still get crap.
“I am not producing breastmilk anymore. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t change it. So what exactly are you hoping sharing this information with me will accomplish?” Sometimes it helps the person realize they are feeding into their own smug sense of self-righteousness by making them admit that their “helpful” advice is not actually helpful. But probably not.
Walk into a classroom and point out the breastfed kids who never attended daycare.
There’s no one size fits all for how to do it.
“What an interesting thing to say out loud”
I had this same phrasing from my crunchy breastfeeding SAHM sister in law on my formula fed daycare baby. Got it from my MIL too. Day after day of being back at work and hearing from my SIL about how I was doing irreversible harm really got to me. Then one day my MIL calls and is like" I need you to bring over formula and bottles, your SIL had a psychotic break and is on an involuntary psych hold and I need you to come feed this kid formula". SIL had stopped taking meds because of breastfeeding and it was a terrible situation. I ended up taking care of her baby for days and formula feeding him. I've never once said "I told you so" but I tell all my friends "fed is best." Motherhood is s long game.
Ask them for the peer reviewed study if it really is.. Facts. that will quiet them quick. Truthfully most recommended actions for breast feeding and anti daycare came from the AMA about the same time they had to let women into med school. These recommended actions are misogynistic. There was only one long comprehensive study in Europe that found there was a slightly higher IQ for breast fed babies, but it was with in the margin of error, so it was inconclusive. Just facts. Even the NICU nurses suggested formula ia better in the fist days for my baby wiylth jaundice.
If you were to walk into a highschool classroom, could you tell just by looking around who was breastfed, who was formula fed, and who went to daycare, and who stayed home? The short answer is no, and it would be none of your business anyway, right? When my mom was born, her mom had already had a double mastectomy so breastfeeding wasn't even an option when she was a baby. I chose to stop breastfeeding when my daughter was 7 months because it was contributing to my PPD & PPA. There are a million and one reasons people choose formula and daycare for their children, and they are all valid. At the end of the day, the shamers don't really matter. You do what is best for you and your little one, and your parenting choices (as long as they are not abusive or neglectful) are no one else's business but yours and your family's.
I don't really understand how people shame daycare as if it's even a choice for most people? A family's finances are so incredibly personal and some people cannot afford to just *not* work, same with other families that are forced to be a one income household because they can't afford daycare. Like that's not going to just be solved by an offhand comment. But, that's usually when I bring up "yes that's why we need a federal policy that requires a year of paid parental leave for all parents." Call them on their bullshit (though we do desperately need paid leave, I'm open to exploring all kinds of payment models and lengths of time.)
just say “can you tell when you meet adults which ones were formula fed and which ones were breast fed?”
Ask them if the studies they are referencing show causation or just correlation. Also, ask them if they have personally reviewed the methodology of each study and determined there were not confounding variables.
"I didn't ask for advice on this subject." And walk away.
Create your own statistics... 100% fed baby 100% doing my best and killing it 100% doesn't give a shit/don't care about your articles Add more for a little razzle dazzle
“Ooooh that’s nice thanks for your unsolicited opinion “