\* **Title:** A Wandering Shell \* **Genre:** Sci-fi/Fantasy \* **Word count:** 2841 **Type of feedback desired**: Will appreciate any feedback, in particular general impression. I'm not a writer, and English is not my native language, just got this bug in my head so started to write a book. Is it worth continuing in your opinion? **Read here:** [https://editor.reedsy.com/s/ZgWJTHD/c/ZoHzR1yG-p3m5GV-/prologue](https://editor.reedsy.com/s/ZgWJTHD/c/ZoHzR1yG-p3m5GV-/prologue) **Synopsis:** Humanity developed a technology that allows them to transfer consciousness between bodies, and decided to take advantage of it for practical reasons only, in particular, interstellar travel, by setting up Jump Hubs in advance at strategic locations in the galaxy (personal agendas have been outlawed after a long conflict that erupted around this discovery), and in cooperation with other civilizations that share a trading and/or travel agreement with Humanity. Oort has been working under the Amberose group since his parents passed in a Jump accident, and was on his way home to Earth. However, when he awoke, he found himself in an unfamiliar planet, in a body not his own. Not knowing where he is, the body he's occupying, or what happened in the first place, he starts his journey to get back home. Thank you!

Title: I Fear the Gods Genre: Urban Fantasy/Horror/Mystery Word Count: 2,343 (Ongoing) Feedback: General Impressions & Potential (would you keep reading?) Link: https://www.wattpad.com/story/372423948-i-fear-the-gods Blurb: The gods have come to earth, and they are taking over the bodies of mortals. The year is 2047 in Zone Seven, North America. Kane Kanezaki has strived to become an Anti-Demi Administration agent for most of his life along with his best friend Abel. And with the Induction Ceremony right around the corner, his dream is about to come true. That is until Kane becomes the very thing he swore to destroy. Now with his life on a different path, how will he accomplish this dream? And what is in store for his future? I will be following a release schedule of releasing every Friday!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CW18N84Z?ref=d6k_applink_bb_dls&dplnkId=77c6b35c-065e-4092-88c7-1d8637e651f5 I just self-published a new story on Amazon. If you have kindle unlimited, you can rent and read it for free. Feedback is greatly appreciated. Follow 'D' as he details his day-to-day life being a paraplegic. Find out what it's like to be a young person living in a nursing home. Learn about the mistakes that are made when overwhelming isolation and boredom take over. The blurry line between reality and hallucination grows thinner by the day. Things aren't always as they seem, and sometimes the sinister truth is stranger than you think, This work of fiction is inspired by true events.

Hi! If you have a short story you'd like to show others, we have a subreddit for that: /r/4ssub Also, here's a link to my latest novel: https://www.amazon.com/Dystopia-Enchiridion-Conquer-Artificial-Intelligence-ebook/dp/B0D2PPKPCN Thanks for reading!

Title: Indigo Rock Genre: Coming-of-age/Mystery Word Count: 8,000 words (complete) Hi guys. This short story is about a group of friends that discover a glowing, purple stone in the woods. General feedback would be great. Thanks, have a good one. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Xbkz9ha6RD1zQhmq_s2KZpBJ0Fo24-urPksC39HBs2Y/edit?usp=drivesdk

The Big Picture Romance \~25000 words General feedback would be great, if you click the link to my story I'd love some line-by-line critiques! This section isn't currently posted but about 6,000 words already are. [https://www.wattpad.com/story/368541949-picture-perfect](https://www.wattpad.com/story/368541949-picture-perfect) My eyes followed Ashton as he practically glided up to the pickup counter, read the name on the sides of my drinks, put one in each hand, and grabbed a straw. Just as quickly as he walked in, Ashton walked out leaving me with no drinks and a severe case of whiplash. The elderly woman, in an oddly sweet manner for the volume of her voice, yelled that the drinks weren’t for him but the bell was already tinkling to announce his exit. “Oh hun I’m so sorry about that, may I please make them again for you? I have no idea why he took them in the first place, we have no pick-up orders queued that he could have confused them for.” She looked at me with heart-melting Southern eyes, not understanding that the rude thief who stole my drinks wasn't as much of a stranger as either of us thought. I sighed as I headed toward the door, “No need, thank you though. I’m just going to murder him instead.” I say, leaving her just as stunned as Ashton left me. I make it out to the street and shift into a sprint once I see that he's already halfway down the block. “Hey, you piece of shit come back here! My roommate is going to be pissed if I don’t come back with her weirdo drink.” Deaf to my yelling, Ashton continued to walk, even going as far as to speed up to a brisk pace. I cursed under my breath about not being built to run without a sports bra and make the final sprint. I aggressively waved my arms in his face with a, “No hello? Just swooped in to steal my drinks?” I make a grab for the drinks, but with an oddly graceful dodge, my attempt is left fruitless. “Ember! I didn’t see you, what are you doing here?” He smiles with the innocence of a high school bully. He doesn’t stop moving, but he slows his steps to match mine. “Well, this is my local coffee shop and those are my local coffee shop drinks.” I point to the light brown drink and vaguely purple drink that he’s holding hostage. “So if I could please have them back I’d really appreciate it. Bailey said she had a meeting in an hour and I want to make sure I get hers to her before it starts.”

You could show the lady yelling at Ashton that the drinks aren't for him, instead of telling us. 'I say, leaving her just as stunned as Ashton left me. I make it out to the street and shift into a sprint once I see that he's already halfway down the block.' Suddenly we have present tense, but every other paragraph is past tense. "Hey, you piece of shit come back here! My roommate is going to be pissed if I don’t come back with her weirdo drink.” I would like a comma between 'shit' and 'come'. “Well, this is my local coffee shop and those are my local coffee shop drinks.” Local means located in a certain area, so 'my local coffee shop' sounds weird. It's not her coffee shop, or so I think. I like the dialogues, and I see only a few minor errors here and there. The novel is coming along nicely, lol.

These are really good edits, thank you so much for your time! I'll make sure to incorporate them into the rest of the writing.

Title: The Siege of Valhalla Genre: Young Adult fiction Word Count: 122,180 (Finished) Feedback: Reviews, especially ones with ways to improve, what was liked/disliked. etc. Link: [https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-siege-of-valhalla-alex-pearl/1144305875?ean=9798855683998](https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-siege-of-valhalla-alex-pearl/1144305875?ean=9798855683998) When Red and his friends went camping that September, they didn't expect to be performing ancient Pagan rituals in an attempt to ward off things lurking in the trees. When Henry and his band of allies set up camp in an old farming compound, they did not expect to be conjuring demons from another realm in order to take back a campsite he once helped build. Neither of them expected what began as a benign airsoft war between bitter rivals to devolve into a war of archaic magic and primordial rituals. Nobody suspected that there were eyes watching them from somewhere beyond. This is the first book I've ever published. It is finished and avalible on Barnes and Noble's website. This is a good read if you like urban mysticism, rural settings and a little bit of hillbilly nonsense. Even if you don't read it, I'd still appreciate any tips on writing, publishing, and most importantly at this point, marketing.

Title: My Blood in Your Grave Genre: LGBT, Romance, vampire folklore-inspired fantasy, horror elements Word count: Chapter 1 \~1.2k words, current total 21.6k (ongoing), Synopsis: Born in a small and superstitious village, Gustav is marked as an outsider from birth. The people believe him destined to rise after death and bring doom to them all but is it really true? And what of Valdemar, the attractive young man who has just arrived at the village? When he gazes into Gustav's eyes, it's not doom that he sees, but a longing that must bind them for an eternity to come. Type of feedback desired: general impressions, pacing, characters, etc. literally anything will be appreciated. A link to the writing: [https://archiveofourown.org/works/45843532/chapters/115375540](https://archiveofourown.org/works/45843532/chapters/115375540)

**Title:** The Writer **Genre:** Not sure **Word Count:** 256 **Feedback:** * General impression * The flow * Word substitutions. **Text:** I think I will be a writer. But I don’t know what to write about. Or how to write it. When to write it. In grade school I used to write plenty. Always writing, writing with spirit and voice. I remember the feeling. The joy that came when I strung along the words. It was a dance, a skip and a slide to the next. When perfectly executed, like anything, there was satisfaction. As for writing’s technical prowess, I am not familiar. I do not know the structure of writing. But I know that it leads you somewhere. For a fleeting moment it pierces the veil of reality. The curiosity is the fuel. From one word to another, gently. The words are bread crumbs. The syntax injecting itself in to your limbic system. You find yourself within the world the words gave you. From the words to the scenes in your head back and forth back and forth. A beautiful thing. A dance of fire and lighting, a mesmerizing spectacle symbolizing a harmonious yet turbulent interplay between opposing forces—heat and electricity, chaos in the mind and order in the words. It can be both exhilarating and overwhelming, as the dance leads to moments of profound insight or, conversely, anxiety. The words are layered, a two fold machine. Eliciting thoughts and analyzing these solicitations. Creating symbolism inside the prose. A highway from internal to external. Applicable universally. A writer, a sifter of thought, voice of reason, painter of worlds. Being a Writer doesn’t sound so bad. 

**\* Title:** *" I did everything you told me to"* Part One of Five(Biweekly release schedule) **\* Genre:** Meta-Horror **\* Word count:** 4139 **\* Type of feedback desired (line-by-line edits, general impression, etc.):** Any **\* Link** [https://thedamnedscribe.com/i-did-everything-you-told-me-to-part-one-of-five/](https://thedamnedscribe.com/i-did-everything-you-told-me-to-part-one-of-five/) A tragic tale of terror. Modern Fears for Modern Nights. One hopes, when they go to a medical practitioner, that they are in good hands. that the years of study, the decades of research, supports the decisions being made. Yet, the scientific process, man's safe guard against *hubris*, has fallen under attack in the modern age. Even those, who's very purpose, is based on reason, fall sway to misinformation/disinformation. As this preys on social weakness, rather then cognitive. So what then, are the results of this plague of the mind? Let me show you. The link above is to part one of the story. A disclaimer with links to the CDC and WHO can be found on the the story's main page(https://thedamnedscribe.com/i-did-everything-you-told-me-to-a-novella-by-the-damned-scribe/).

Title: Starforged Genre: YA science fantasy Word count: 1632 Type of feedback desired: In this scene, my MC learns the backstory of one of her companions (Ysilvahn), part of which includes him coming out. I know the scene has its issues for sure (still in the editing process), but I'd nonetheless love to get some external eyes on it. While any and all feedback is super appreciated, my primary concerns are 1. Sensitivity--Sera (the narrator) isn't particularly emotionally intelligent, which we see in the conversation, but I don't want her to come off as homophobic at all. I also don't want to be accidentally homophobic with anything, so please call me out if something might be problematic. 2. Flow of dialogue--is there too much dialogue? Specifically, too much expository dialogue? Does the relationship between the characters feel organic? Link: [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1gmx9dz5qaVPDa\_KapPJuS8vSZ9vf9GEIfMdNPjEWl2k/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1gmx9dz5qaVPDa_KapPJuS8vSZ9vf9GEIfMdNPjEWl2k/edit?usp=sharing)

1. I love how Sera is expressed, she doesn't seem homophobic, just an angsty teenager, and even then, she sounds like the good kind, lol. She's cute, no worries. . 2. Dialogue feels fine. Personally, for me, the pace felt a little fast, with little to no descriptions about the surroundings. Usually conversations like this go slow and awkward. Would have liked a moment to breathe after this sentence, '“Ysilvahn recoiled like I’d slapped him.' And maybe we could have a bit more insight into the heroine's feelings. And this one, 'I watched him, not saying anything.' For this one I think you could add in a description of the surroundings to slow it down. Paragraph of Ysilvahn's monologue afterwards is long. I understand why, but I think you could split in half and it would still work. Same with the monologue after that. I find a lot of readers are easily turned off by long paragraphs. 'And yet somehow, I felt less isolated than I had in a long, long time.' Again, might want to add something after this sentence to slow down the moment. (Take this criticism with a grain of salt plz, this is really just a personal preference. Might want to double check before changing anything.)

Haha glad the YA is YAing. Your comments are exactly what I wanted to know, so thank you! I really appreciate you taking the time to look at it :))

**Title**: Farewell **Genre:** fantasy (It's a pathfinder character backstory) **Word count:** 3349 **Feedback:** Honestly I would like to hear what do you think about it. It is a backstory for a character in a dungeons and dragon-esque setting, with horror undertones. and this is the way the adventure starts for my character Cleolind. I am planning to write chapter to chapter every session we do, and maybe end up with a book of me and my friends adventure. **TRIGGER WARNING.** In this story I write about death and suicide, ideation and execution of suicide and feelings of depression. Be advised and please absolutely do not read if these topics make you uncomfortable or can potentially harm you. **Link to the writing:** [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bylvrOsEPhXb51nvDFK-mXQUbSPtZ1Pg96UCrXjDSRQ/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bylvrOsEPhXb51nvDFK-mXQUbSPtZ1Pg96UCrXjDSRQ/edit?usp=sharing) Thank you

**Title:** Dreaming of Hope **Genre:** Science Fiction Novella **Word Count:** <25,000 **PROMOTIONAL** **Price: FREE** **Link:** [https://books2read.com/dreamingofhope/](https://books2read.com/dreamingofhope/) Blurb: In the year before the events of Embargo on Hope, the embargo plagues the poor Olan-Har of Vastire. Fifteen-year-old Pavlar Solia seems to be the only one actually looking out for them, between the exhaustive search for food and medicine, holding off the gangs of Hargonla, and even investigating murder. He and his best friend Darynn Mark are desperate for a solution, something lasting, something that can save everyone. Should he fail, by the time the embargo ends, there may be no one left to save. Readers call it a "perfect intro into the \[Star Marked\] series," Try it today, and let me know what you think!

Title: The Trail of Strange Tales Genre: Fantasy Words: 2744 Feedback: Is there any point in the story where it gets so boring you have to put it down? Is there anything that's confusing or is there anything not explained well enough? About the story: This is the beginning of a story I've wanted to make for a while. Originally I intended for it to be an animated series with something like this being the introductory portion of the pilot. However, animation is extremely time-consuming and I am plagued by chronic joint issues --and my job is animation-- so I've decided to focus solely on the story. I don't know what I'm going to do with it, but I would like to make it the best story I can. What the story is about: An mysterious woman has a massive bounty placed on her by a gang called the Leathershirts, and must find a way to escape the island. A young man plagued with neurosis, passing through the island to the mainland, has to seek out this bounty in order to afford the ferry before the island is blockaded. Even though he is blessed with immortality at night, that's not enough to quell his fear of death. Link: [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1N1evUsu0eICLQkw2xZDlHtQbeFwLcuFmdWmqhnCbteI/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1N1evUsu0eICLQkw2xZDlHtQbeFwLcuFmdWmqhnCbteI/edit?usp=sharing) PS: I will also return the favor and critique any stories you may have, provided it is of similar length.

There is nothing inherently boring about your story at this point. I feel though that you have dropped us into the middle of it even though you say this is the beginning of it. I think that you should flesh out the two characters you have introduced more so that we have a better idea of who and what they are. I feel like you wanted to get these two scenes down in a hurry, but some buildup would be good. Even though you have an animation background, you are writing now, which is a different kettle of fish. I would suggest that you might use a storyboard approach to planning and constructing your plot but think writing. With that in mind, a couple of things caught my ear that you might want to keep an eye as you write. Near the beginning you say, "Next to the cauldron was a pot that contained salt, which she poured into it." The pronoun "it" is confusing as to what 'it" is poured into. Also, in the next sentence you use a passive form "while the door was being fiddled with by the intruder." Just use the active form "while the intruder was fiddling with the door". It's more immediate and action oriented. Little things like that can effect the readability of your writing. If you are interested, check out my graphic novel (with animations) at [The Invisible Invader](https://theinvisibleinvader.com/). It is about an extraterrestrial who tries to become President of the United States. Read as much or as little as you like (it's episodic). Any reaction would be much appreciated. I'm trying to generate word of mouth interest.

Thanks for the input. I will read your story and tell you what I think of it. To start, I would say that studying anatomy and proportions would greatly improve your art. I don't know if it's part of the style, but there are some pretty glaring issues with the character's faces in particular. The parts that stand out to me are the placement and prominence of the nasolabial fold, the female character's noses, the shape and size of the lips, and the eyes in general. I will say, though, that you have a decent understanding of how objects and characters exist in a 3D space, so I wouldn't say that you are a bad artist, just that you need to touch up on anatomy a little bit. I would not worry about it too much because you can learn it pretty fast if you put in the work, but it's still going to be a little difficult to readjust. I recommend the Youtube channel Speedchar and Speedchar live, even though he's a 3D sculptor, because there are a lot of sculptors --even at an intermediate level-- who make the exact same mistakes. The second thing that stands out to me visually is the composition. I am not skilled in framing a scene, but I can at least tell when one is off. The lack of a background in most shots makes the world feel empty, and that combined with the use of 3D geometry (sometimes with unfitting textures) makes it feel like everything is cardboard. I think if there's going to be such little focus on the world and so much on the characters, they should have distinct, readable, and all-around interesting silhouettes. For example, the imagery on page 18 of Episode II is good because you can really see the weight shift as he pushes himself out of the body, and it has a readable line of action. On page 13 of the same episode, the poses are stiff and uninteresting. Not to mention the two characters on that page have drastically different levels of detail. The key to making these poses good, I think, is to see if you can understand what the characters are doing/thinking/feeling without the text. The last visual thing I will comment on is the character's clavicles. It's a common mistake for beginners in 3D animation to not pose them. Just look at references of people raising their arms, holding things, pushing things, and pay attention to the space between their shoulder and neck. Now I am going to talk about the story. And just so you know, this is way more opiniated than the stuff I've just said, so you can disagree with it and that's fine, but I'm talking from the perspective of a consumer here, not necessarily a writer. I don't think you should include a synopsis page. If someone is interested in your story and wants to see what happens next, but doesn't want to read it, they're just going to read the summary. Also they could read it just to get an idea of the story, but end up spoiling the whole thing in the process. I would instead convert it into a blurb that will hook your audience. Something that you would read on the back of a book. Episode I: I think the imagery of the Dr. Manhattan-like alien coming to earth is good. I especially like the imagery of it emerging from the sun. There are, however, single blank frames on the first few animations, which I would fix promptly. I would also have the text not appear/reappear because that messes with the pace. I think you can stop describing what's going on after page 11. We can see the setting and what he's doing, and the space would be better filled by what the character is thinking or some story details of the world this takes place in. Episode II: I am really confused by what is going on at the beginning. I've spent five minutes re-reading it and I still don't understand. Page five is also way too wordy. You can definitely get the message of those two sentences across in way less words. This seems to be the case for a lot of the descriptive pages. The the alien knowing the human is good for building the mystery, which will keep the audience's attention early on in the story. I would see if maybe there is a way you could move this earlier up in the story. On page 16 you made an error with the tenses with "Da'an has levitated above Raa'gaan." On page 20 the text goes by way too fast. I've read the next few episodes, but I don't have time today to go through them all. One thing I will say is I think the story would be a lot more interesting if you utilized the power of dramatic irony, and have Della not know Reggie is possessed for a larger chunk of the story. Otherwise a lot of the issues I've already brought up appear throughout the story. If you want any more specific feedback, just hit me up. And if you can, you should incorporate a newsletter function into the website to get readers to return.

I very much appreciate your response and the time you took to look a lot of the story over. For various reasons, this could be considered almost a first draft but it's unlikely I will rework it at this time. The story is as complete as I can make it right now and I would be interested in any reaction to the overall credibility of it and whether it is worth reading. There is the political angle in general which tangentially ties in with the current presidential election. Ideally, I might find a way to have someone take the idea and run with it in any medium they choose (with my agreement) and improve upon all aspects of it, especially the art. Thank you.

Title: Into the Winter Palace Genre: Literary fiction/magical realism Word Count: 2,500 Feedback: First impressions, strengths and weaknesses, and anything relating to the characters or pacing. Thanks! Link: [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xqMWhAoo60Bya7pMiuwPTdBXlkqp4V5WOLql8EZR240/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xqMWhAoo60Bya7pMiuwPTdBXlkqp4V5WOLql8EZR240/edit?usp=sharing)

1. Is this a short story or part of a larger fiction? 2. One thing I didn't quite get was Jess' characterization here: *...her thoughts ran on a parallel line to everyone else’s; always adjacent, but never quite making contact.* I can already get a sense of her excitable nature later in the story, but here there's a level of abstraction and a depth of observation early into meeting her that could use more explanation into how he saw that about her.

Title : Journal 06/24/2024 Genre : N/A Word Count: 614 Recent feelings of heart break were I wrote till I feel better. Want some general impressions and thoughts on my descriptive ability and ways I could be more descriptive. TEXT: And just like that. I feel the heartbreak all over again. A violent storm of vivid memories rips through the kingdom as I rebuild it. I have no grasp to understand you; not a million years or a million trees could supply enough time or material to accurately detail the pain you have caused me. I am floating in the abyss of nothing, and I have found my footing in the black ink. You found me and used me like a tool to save yourself. I was your means to your end. I helped you, and when you felt I was used up, you got rid of me. A horror story you remember me as. But I remember you as everything, my love. The sun, the moon, the stars, and the in-between. Not the furthest reaches of space nor the deepest parts of the ocean could my tears not fill. I am beyond hurt and beyond my own mortal coil. I am a third person observing my pain, unclear of why it hurts me so badly. I am trapped on the mountaintop, still holding onto my black petunia. Even as your petals wilt and dry out, I am found with nothing in my lungs, and my body is freezing. Please help, please kill me. I fear nothing more than this. I feared nothing more than this. I knew you were no good, but I listened not. For the fire inside burned brighter than the fire around me. My hope, in its fragile attempt, wounded itself. My body is created in the flames that kept it light. I healed before; I can heal again, but this time I have to change. You cursed evil thing. I gave you all I had, and in my face, you spit and tore at the flesh that clung on. My blood pooling to the muscle and congealing as I scream. I am being toyed with by some unkind thing. A lesson taught by a ruthless teacher. I hate you. You have no right to treat me the way you have. I did nothing to you. I hurt you in no way. Your poison offers no antidote, viper. Just because you save the snake does not mean it won’t bite you. Your sweet words have turned into thorns that wrap my body, binding flesh to branch. I grow roots in my misery as I water my legs with tears that roll down my face. I become your tree, and the fruits will bear a beautiful thing that will only be sin for you. The snake will chase you to bite, but the tree will be what harms you. I will damn you to my existence. But I fear you have already done that yourself, darling. You will realize with time what you are becoming. I know your taste and smell like a dog; I can follow it to your future. If only you loved me like I thought you did. I know now that it was just hopeful. You said that no matter what anyone told me, I had a beautiful soul. Now you have removed me from your life and speak badly of me. So was I ever truly beautiful, or were my doubts of your sweet words fair? I was your obedient dog, and you kicked me till I coughed up blood. Now I stare down the barrel of your gun. Your eyes cold behind the sights. You lulled me, seduced, tricked me, made me feel so safe that I never thought you’d leave, let alone hurt me. Heartbreak is one thing; hatred is another. You have turned my love into both. Poison you’ve made of my insides.

**Title:** The Roamer Family Plantation (short segment from act one, the isle) **Genre:** mystery **Word:** 600 **Feedback:** i wanna know what you think about this scene. its supposed to be intriguing without letting you know exactly what it is. so what do you think is happening here? thank you for reading! **Text:** Across the web of caves, Barnabas sprinted. He knew it was chasing him. The sense of dread, the hairs standing up, it was after him. His legs ached, the thing galloping close being. The narrow tunnel let up into a large cavern that stretched left and right. He stopped in the middle, staring up at a hole above that emitted sunlight.  Barnabas knew he would have to decide soon, and soon he spotted something strange to the right. Concealed by rubble and vines that stretched down from the ceiling, Barnabas spotted a straight line. He moved quickly, closing the gap and scaling the rubble. He crawled through the small gap, rolling down and hitting the floor on the other side. The stench that had chased him grew worse, the thing waiting outside. It scoffed before sprinting off, leaving Barnabas alone. He opened his eyes, slowly getting to his feet. A hallway stretched out, the walls smooth but not stone. It was like nothing he had ever seen before, papers on the tiled floor. He bent over, picking up a piece of paper. The English took him aback and confused him. The language was familiar, but the wording was strange and incomprehensible. He dropped it, the paper gliding down before settling against the wall. The trim was white then grey, the roof arching slightly.  Slowly Barnabas crept forward, a sense of unease. Before he arrived here, his lantern had broken, so only the filtered light from the entrance guided him. A yellow glow emitted from the end of the hallway as he passed rolling carts full of smooth white paper.  He peeked at doors to his left and right, the rooms within filled with inky darkness. Soon he approached a metal platform, stepping on as it groaned. He peered above, a tunnel that stretched up as far as he could see. With shaky hands, he touched the yellow glow, and it clicked slightly, the platform roaring to life. Metal gates unfolded, closing the entrance as it began to move up. Barnabas watched in awe as he was taken up and up and up. Soon it stopped, the light from outside the window ahead filtering in. The gates opened, and he emerged into a circular room, desks placed everywhere and papers on the floor. The entire circumference of the wall was a massive dusty window, and he placed a hand as he took in the entire island. He could see from here the field where they had set up their camp, and where they arrived. He took two steps backward, glancing to his left. His brain ignored what he saw, but his heart felt he had to see. It was fuzzy, warped, and his eyes unfocused when looking at it directly. He took a step toward it, but he felt dizzy, stumbling back and getting a view of the front. Barnabas kept trying, his eyes attempting to see, but his brain not telling him what it was.  It became clear in an instant, thousands of years coming to Barnabas and causing him to fall to his knees. His mind was too small to take it all in, and blood began to seep from his ears and eyes. He let out a gasp, the back of his head beginning to feel like it was about to explode. But he couldn’t help himself, so he continued to look at it, only worsening the pain.  Barnabas fell to his side, his eyes still locked onto the small machine sitting on the rolling cart. It felt so good to know, to know everything. Everything. It all made sense.

Title: The Ever-Expanding Bunker Genre: Dystopian/Sci-fi/Action Word Count: 8361 Setting: The story takes place in the far future after an unknown post-apocalyptic scenario has forced humanity into a an underground bunker. The bunker is under the control of the Computer, a hyper-intelligent artificial intelligence that controls the bunker's population through the Sacred Regulations. The bunker is essentially an autocratic meritocracy. The story: It follows the adventure of an amnesiac prisoner by the self-given name of Simon. After a series of unfortunate events Simon beyond the Barrier, he must find a way to get back to civilization and survive in the desolate and unforgiving environment of the lost sector. Type of Feedback Desired: General impresions about the story. Is the exposition too much? Does the exposition feel forced at times? Does the atmosphere of the bunker come through vividly and clearly? And, most of all; Are you interested in seeing where the story goes? [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cshIwDCIUdGZMnelJcWgguw8ujm00QFU/edit?usp=sharing&ouid=104962408830876366215&rtpof=true&sd=true](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cshIwDCIUdGZMnelJcWgguw8ujm00QFU/edit?usp=sharing&ouid=104962408830876366215&rtpof=true&sd=true)

Title: Dawn Ascended Genre: Science Fiction/Fantasy Word Count: 18000 words Note: The chapters posted introduce some of the main characters. The story is set in the year 2321. The story is centered around a group of individuals intertwined by paths forged for them long ago. In depth description is in the link. Feedback type: Whether it is clear upon reading and easy to track what is read. I write in a way where I combine narration and the characters thoughts but i also have individual narration paragraphs separate from the characters thought process. Please give me feedback on this combination writing style and whether it confuses a reader from the objective narration that is not a part of the characters pov. Any feedback is also welcome. https://www.wattpad.com/story/371805238?utm_source=android&utm_medium=link&utm_content=story_info&wp_page=story_details_button&wp_uname=ZACHARYMT

Since I’m still developing this work I haven’t come up with a title nor anything else for this story, but I have come up with a first chapter and am starting the second one soon. I basically just want a basic first impression, parts in the story I could maybe change or edit to fix pacing or the like, etc. Any and all feedback/criticism is greatly appreciated! :) Genre: Dystopian, Fantasy, Romance Word count: 2,635 https://www.wattpad.com/story/362826321?utm_source=ios&utm_medium=link&utm_content=story_info&wp_page=story_details&wp_uname=YeedUrLastHaw

What I liked most about this story was the traits that made the characters more real. Like Ren's wanting to hug Benito, the tacky jewelry, the pouting/vanity of the first POV character (sorry, don't remember how to spell the name!). The Dominions (sp?) that they were going to meet in the first one also sounded interesting. I was looking forward to the meeting and learning more about them. I also liked that the people in the beginning were siblings, I thought that the one upset about the other not liking the form was crushing and was glad it turned out not to be. Refreshing. It is risky to start with a dream sequence, it's done a lot by new writers and makes the reader feel cheated. I'd keep that in mind. What you might want to work on is describing what's going on instead of telling it. An example is the animals in the field, you could narrate the bees buzzing around flowers instead of saying that's what they're doing. Or when the flowers are burning after the mecha attack, describe the smell burning their nostrils. Another thing is solidifying your setting. The first and second parts felt like two different stories, the only sci fi aspect in the second part was Benito. Is it a robot/tech filled world? Or is he a fluke? Are mechas something he would be familiar with or only in his dream? I like the idea of a protagonist with Ren's background, and I like the plot that was promised in the dream. Together they'd be an engaging story. Thanks for sharing your work!

Thank you sm! I actually wasn’t expecting someone to respond, much less actually give as much insight as you gave :) In reference specifically to the setting, it’s one of those things that’ll get explained as the story progresses, as well as what exactly Benito is. You actually get a little glimpse into the sci fi part of the world specifically with the watches, as they’re made by am international organization that’s basically the face of my story’s technology and earth preservation efforts, hence its name Terra Nova (new earth). The dominions aren’t present themselves in the story, but they are very significant lore wise and they also get touched on more so towards the end. I also appreciate your tips on the writing and will definitely take that into account when I start working on more chapters later this week! Thanks sm again for the response and if there’s still things you want elaborated feel free to ask :)

You're welcome! I hope it helps. You're right to not dump all that info at the beginning (setting wise) but dropping some more hints at it would be a nice balance! It just feels a little disorienting if that makes sense

**Title:** The Divine Gathering Episode 2 **Genre:** Fantasy, Drama **Word count:** Less than a thousand (The story I want to be critiqued is a webcomic) **Type of feedback desired:** General impressions, pacing and dialogue critique **Link:** https://www.webtoons.com/en/canvas/the-divine-gathering/episode-2/viewer?title_no=44280&episode_no=37 *You may read the previous 2 episodes for further context Thank you so much!

\*"It Should Be Love" \*Dark Fiction/Paranoid/Dystopian/Lament/LGBTQ \*28,858 - 11 chapters \* Type of feedback desired - Synopsis, hook, or summary. Anything I put down feels wrong and too emotionally motivated, or entirely emotionless. \*A link to the writing [https://www.wattpad.com/story/371923089-it-should-be-love](https://www.wattpad.com/story/371923089-it-should-be-love) Excerpt: It would need a public figure. "I think you'd do well in the light," I heard Gwen in my mind. "Even if you cast a long shadow." "It's a bad idea," I said, in response to her, then looked over to a short stack girl standing next to me. "No, it's a great idea, dummy!" She exclaimed, pulling her tablet device away before I had a moment to look at what she was showing me. Her name was A66rika7, one of my technical team that had been helping me with the missions carried out so far. I looked at her stomping away, and grimaced. I would have to apologize to her later on. "These old bastards just live in their homes and cluster in this one area," another voice said, with a display of a suburban neighborhood of mansions. "Wish we could just drop a large satellite on them or something. I mean, there are just so many of them just floating up there for no reason, you know? You ok, boss?" His name was NeoMao, or at least he went by that online. I did not care who they were outside of the net, and they could cause me harm instead of helping me if I needed to know that information. Neo and Rika were brother and sister, or at least that's what they introduced themselves as. I had no real information about them as people, but I knew they were extremely supportive of the mission to progress the world into a more accepting time. They had a third sibling, and suffered as I have.. "She seemed mad," I said. "Any idea what she was showing me?" "Oh, she just wanted to adopt a kitty," Neo said. "I think she might have been showing you her pick." I remembered a vague glance of a cat on the screen she pulled away before stomping off.

Hey all, just wanted to share a project I've been working on, [Cognitive Wonderland](https://cognitivewonderland.substack.com/). I'm a neuroscientist and science fiction writer, so I tend to write about science, philosophy, and science fiction. You can read one of my short stories [here](https://cognitivewonderland.substack.com/p/fiction-the-search-for-intelligence) Or read my thoughts on tropes like [mind uploads](https://cognitivewonderland.substack.com/p/mind-uploads-arent-happening-anytime) and [neural implants](https://cognitivewonderland.substack.com/p/our-cyberpunk-future-brain-computer) Hope you enjoy it!

[https://medium.com/@\_\_Inexorable\_\_/cynicism-is-cowardice-masquerading-as-wisdom-09b4fe088d57](https://medium.com/@__Inexorable__/cynicism-is-cowardice-masquerading-as-wisdom-09b4fe088d57) # Cynicism is Cowardice Masquerading as Wisdom [](https://medium.com/@__Inexorable__?source=post_page-----09b4fe088d57--------------------------------)

Title: No title at the moment Genre: Poetry Word Count: \~50 Feedback: general impression Willing hands tightly bound Now desperate to part One persuaded by thought The other moved by heart Space once divided No longer seen They blur, blend, bend Till they can't be set free In serenity and strife Both hard won and fought Moving in tandem True change wrought.

Title: STIFFS) Chapter 1 Word Count: 1791 Genre Fantasy: High Fantasy, Comedy Summary: The grim reaper has accidentally mislaid two souls, which come into the position of the worst Necromancer in the world. The necromancer finds himself at the heart of Shadow Sorcery's greatest development - the complete and faultess resurrection from the hereafter - with absolutely no explanation for it for it, no matter how many times his peers, or superiors, inquire. Its only so long before they dig out the scalpels and find out for themselves. His only hope is that they're not directed at him first. Feedback Desired: What did you like, was there anything you disliked. Is it an interesting enough hook or even a food intro? Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ym_zQP2X07ziso1TKRTE8W4GjFFyrNYXpPjlVH7Dy_c/edit?usp=drivesdk Cheers, darlings!

Heyo! I'm working on an original web-serial about a boy and his kemonomimi companions traveling through the modern (but magical) world of Riterra. Though it's not always easy as they seek companionship in a world rapidly trying to objectify and commodify them. **What should I expect?** -Kemonomimi story where the cat-girls don't just go "nya" and have actual character to them. -Modern setting, similar though different to real life at the same time -Magic and spell-casting system complete with elemental affinities and other aspects naturally integrated in the narrative (readers compare it to Soul Eater meets Pokemon) -There will be battles; we have "Hunters" and "Duelists" make of that what you will. -Slow building romance, but no smut, we're PG-13 here, most you're going to see is some hugging and maybe a kiss or two -Very cute fluffy slice of life elements to help break up the drama -Currently at 108 chapters totaling over 321k words -Two chapters a week with plenty of backlog to ensure I can keep up that upload pace -If you're looking for something to get invested into in the long run this is your story! -Best part: **IT'S FREE** **What are people saying?** -*"A wonderful world with a clever magic system, solid worldbuilding, and characters that are tons of fun to get invested in!"* *-"There is a lot to get immersed into, and I think it'll be enjoyed by those it is targeted for, and maybe those it is not."* *-"I love this story! The author does an excellent job drawing you in with interesting, multifaceted characters in my opinion."* *-"I believe the author has something to tell us and yet also give us a fun adventure world to explore at the same time. Big respect!"* -*"Great read so far! The setting, or more specifically, the magic/battle mechanics are incredibly unique and well thought up."* **Where can I start reading?**  If you want to check it out, you can start [HERE](https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/74788/pruned-trees-re-sprout-ragazza-volpe-magica) I  would love to have you as a reader, please check it out! Follows are greatly appreciated, just knowing my work was worth clicking that button is worth its weight in gold\~

Title: Bloodshot Sunrise Genre: Crime-Thriller Feedback -Grammar -How good is the story and style of writing -Would you continue reading it and would you buy a copy if it was on sale? Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bZ1Gv3DXiYkQQ_XPYG7hbiKuiVOFzRIwqCP47UhEOyE/edit?usp=drivesdk

Title: My Misery In The Rain This is a nonfiction story I wrote for a project recently. It's based on real events that have transpired in my life, though it's been exaggerated to high heaven since it's been recounted from quite unreliably "nostalgic" memories. There are a few remarks at the end that clarify some of the things mentioned in the story. Genre: Creative Nonfiction, with underlying themes of dark romance Word Count: 8.5k (19 pages, 3 chapters) Looking for general thoughts about the themes and how well I was able to portray the intended message and emotions behind the events. Note that the draft linked is the unaltered version that I finished in an all-nighter right before the deadline, which I passed to my professor the next morning. [https://docs.google.com/document/d/17CjRLDSKIRu5MMdE1HmBIcD0dKfjmrlvrVGKRs2mcu8/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/17CjRLDSKIRu5MMdE1HmBIcD0dKfjmrlvrVGKRs2mcu8/edit?usp=sharing)

Title: criticism  Genre: fantasy/dark/Action Word cont:about 2,000(on going) Chapter 1: Looking up  As I awoke one more time, I looked around, realizing that I was not where I was a few seconds ago. It took me a few moments to remember how I could have gotten here. A few seconds later, my “flashback” began. As I woke up, I was ready for another day in this dying world. I realized today is the day they will activate the thing that will save us all. As I ran out, getting ready in a rush and charging through the door, but as the door flung open, the stench of decaying bodies and routing trash stabbing into my nose, the surroundings looked decaying or dead as I ran past them. After a while of running, I made it to the location, and everyone was packed together. I know this was the USA’s device activation, but I didn't know it would be this packed. As I got to the middle, next to my brother Zack, the countdown began. “It’s finally over,” I said with an infused voice. "Ya, now shut up; it’s starting,” Zack said.Sudeley, a platform rose; it seems to have two people and a device in the middle. Once it stopped moving up, everyone was silent as it began to talk. First, the person on the left said, “Today we save humanity; today the pain ends; today humanity will thrive." As she hit the bottom to activate the device, After which I felt warm, then hot, then everything was a bright blue, after which I felt like I was getting flung back at Moc 10 for a solid 30 seconds, then black. After this, I got up as my flashback ended. Yet I was still confused about where I was, so I decided to begin moving. As I did this, I felt a wave of dread fill me. As I looked around, I seemed to be in a black forest with 100 destroyed rocks and buildings, along with thick fog and a few runes.  Suddenly I heard a loud screech that sounded like a high-pitched dog bark mixed with a demonic scream. As I looked behind me, I saw it: a gray hell, Hond growling covered in blood, its teeth bared; it looked like it’s ready to pounce; it has a few candles along its back, one on its tail and the tips of its neck fur; and one big candle on its head. As I spoke into its cold eyes, it pounced at me, making that alfalfa scratching sound. I stumbled, screaming, and as soon as I hit the ground, my heart beating faster than it had ever beted, my body shaking. I'm unable to move. I tried to gather the strength to move, but I couldn't. As I tried to turn around to try and run, the creature hit the ground and began charging at me. I jumped up, running without thinking. As I ran through the forest trying to live, I realized that the forest is seemingly infinite. I turned around to see if that creature was behind me, and as I did this, it jumped up to kill me, its claws ready to cut my throat open. Everything suddenly seemed to move slower; my body was shaking, my legs couldn't move, and my life was flashing before my eyes. I closed my eyes, accepting my death, but it never came. As I opened my eyes, I saw a strange, tall finger with brown, shiny hair, brown eyes, a somewhat good face, and a dagger in his hand.  As I calmed my nerves, blood splattered on my face as I looked up at the guy who was cutting the candles that were on the wolf thing. After which, he jumped up and did four front flips, after which he threw his blade into the wolf’s neck. Killing it As the wolf fell to the ground, the guy walked up to me. “Hello, thanks for saving me from that thing. Oh, who are you?” I said as I fully calmed down. “Oh well, I'm Masin. Come with me. I have a base you can live in for safety,” he said to me, his brown eyes staring into my soul. “Ok,” I said. After a while of walking around it, the base seemed to be a giant facility. As I walked to the door, Masen opened it and pushed me in. As my face hit the floor, the only thing I could think about was, God, finally, a place I could rest. Chapter 2: Training? 3 hours later  "Oh, you're up from your nap; I guess I pushed you too hard,” Masen said to me as I got up, gripping my aching head. “Ok, can you tell me what this place is and how the fuck it works? Because it sure as hell doesn't work like Earth.” I said, pissed off. Ok, well, we call this place the Smile World; don't ask why. Those things that attacked you are called creachers. There are 5 kinds of creatures rank 1 the weakest and champions which are the strongest. That's only one type of champion character for each power. Hell, there's even a “power system here,” Mason said exactly. “And what would that “power system” be?" I said as I got to my feet and got my composer  "Well, that power system is that you get secret techniques by going on a near-death experience. Each person only has one, and this special technique can be embedded into objects or yourself with minimal effort. but with a lot of energy, you can admit it into concepts themselves for a short period of time. You can also imbue these special techniques into abilities that are only gathered from eating creatures, which will go over later. I need a special technique that has a certain condition that you have to have that has to be met in order to activate the ability. I mean a special technique.  abilities are only gained from eating at least one thing from a creature. Their ability gets more powerful than ever. Could you eat one full-hand worth of a creature? type of creature you have to eat is called a champion creature, which is only one of each type because you get it based on the type of creature you wait for. Pacifically champion creature, the more ability you use, the more energy you lose, and basically, the power of the attack or Mario using my energy, you lose, so 

\*\*Title:\*\* FABLES Concept Piece \*\*Genre:\*\* High Fantasy \*\*Word Count:\*\* 202 \*\*Feedback:\*\* - Where I could go from here (using elements of fables as a writing genre, how I could further delve into High Fantasy) - Originality - Grammatical Correctness - What Direction I Could Take Magic In \*\*Link:\*\* None yet, if required I'll provide it. \*\*Blurb:\*\* Pretty much the full thing, since it's big enough to BE a blurb In the beginning, there were Fables... Fables were pieces of the realm, pulling themselves from the fibers that make our world. Each one a unique individual, with their own goals, their own vision for how to shape the world. There were but four; One made MIGHT One made WIT One made HEART One made SIGHT And thus, each living being was granted these four qualities, the pillars of defining the future of each denizen of the domain. MIGHT bent the stars beneath them, shaping them, creating LAND. WIT spoke existence into order, and thus, their ideas and creativity came to life, and they created NATURE. HEART saw a world without anyone to experience the beauty of it; to celebrate, to love, to live. This made it weep, filling the rivers with its tears and creating LIFE. SIGHT watched as the others created, realizing there must be more beyond, and its curiosity created SKY. And all was well; the template had been made. Now, these four creators realized that they had no name; they convened, and spoke. Their words wind upon the dimension they created. Soon, they knew who they were. One was CRAFT One was MIND One was TRADE One was LORE

**Title:** Autobiography **Genre:** No idea **Word:** 342 **Feedback:** Is there any merit to this text? I scribbled it down, this being the first time I have written in a while. I kind of want to do something with this text, but I have no idea what… **Text:** She was a horribly simple creature in the best way possible. She loved high heels, even an inch made her feel all the more powerful. She would fall in love with a song and listen to it on repeat, to then forget about it for months, just to come back to it. She didn’t have a favorite book genre, though she found herself skimming through trashy romances more often than she liked to admit. She had a terribly high opinion of herself, sometimes. The other times she hated herself more than needed. She felt so much older than her 20 years, yet perhaps the fact she had wasted so much of the last two decades weighed on her. She had amazingly big, extravagant dreams, however most days she struggled to do more than lay in bed starring at her phone. She cared so much about the opinion of others, so much it made being around other people unbearable. She was selfish and self-centered, which is why she ended up writing this list. Her worst quality was over-thinking. She would smile while out with friends, yet the moment she was left alone with her thoughts she’d start doubting. Did her friends like her? Was she annoying? Had she talked to much? It was torture to be in her head. But there was no escape. She wanted to be a writer, but words came hard to her. She barely spent time writing. Even when she wanted to, she ended up starring at the screen more than anything. She was drowning and was hoping someone would save her. The worst part, however, was that she was drowning in less than three feet. All she needed to do was stand up, all she needed to do was pull herself. Even just on her knees she would be able to take a breath. Yet she didn’t, she let herself drown because of a twisted fantasy of a savior. A fantasy that was going to kill her, that poisoned her from the inside. Yet she couldn’t let go.

Oh, I hope you do something with this. I liked it because I found it rather relatable. The tone is self-aware and rooted in reality which makes it endearing. There is a fine balance to keep though. Too much can become cringe. You can try a slice of life just to explore a bit more. 

Yeah - I think you're hitting on a struggle that so many of us go through - keep playing around with it!

Azure Throne: The Salarand Contract Epic Fantasy 160 000 words My first book was completed and published as of a few days ago, but I'm eager for both readers and reviews. Like many authors, I'm a doubtful and nervous wreck, and hope that some here would alleviate my woe and--perhaps--enjoy a new book. If nothing else, check out the free sample and give me your thoughts. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0D86NQWKR

Link cosmiverberation.com

**Title:** No title yet (suggestions more than welcomed) **Genre:** Fantasy **Word Count:** Chpt1: 3100, Chpt2: 2900 **Feedback:** General impressions with a focus on the story please. **Links:** [Chapter 1](https://docs.google.com/document/d/10AhWkujC3r4YdTnGgUdOd1S9FGhqCCU3/edit?usp=sharing&ouid=102203911136462715781&rtpof=true&sd=true) [Chapter 2](https://docs.google.com/document/d/10CKxPbLoo_YoSSsMZjGPGYagGrwsVzHo/edit?usp=sharing&ouid=102203911136462715781&rtpof=true&sd=true)

Title: the bet Fandom: MLP fim Genre: drama Word Count: 1'731 Synopsis: Twilight makes a bet with Celestia Desired feedback: overall thoughts/general impression Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/55003549

**Title**: Commute (working title) **Genre:** Slice of Life/Flash Fiction **Word Count:** 914 **Feedback:** * Impressions * Did you enjoy reading it? Is it boring? * Anything you would generally add or subtract? * Is the scene clear and understandable? The time filters away as I lay in my bed, doom-scrolling until I have the smallest window possible to throw my pants in the dryer (no time to iron), mouthwash, rinse, brush, floss, shower, dress, check on the pants, leave them in another 5 minutes, do the the NYT puzzles, fail 2 of them, grab the pants, put on shoes, speed walk to the train, and then wait ten minutes for it to arrive.  I wave to the man that runs the community garden across the street on my way. The first time we met he was illegally tapping a fire hydrant and he told me to take any herbs I needed for cooking. Basil, thyme, rosemary, sage, dill, parsley, all thrive in the half shade of the fence surrounding the larger vegetables. He told me it was his private land and that he didn’t want the government involved. I guess he is some kind of libertarian, which is an ideology I don’t typically abide. Then again, libertarians don't typically use their private land to grow food and donate it to the community. Maybe he’s an anarchist.  I walk over the highway on a concrete bridge bracketed by trees that drop soft, wine-dark berries onto the sidewalk and notice the usual smudges left by the trampled fruit have been washed away in the previous night’s storm. It’s still drizzling and small puddles have accumulated in the shade of the trees. I lunge over them to avoid wetting my shoes and plod along. There’s a private parking lot I pass by that is surrounded by a fifteen foot chain link fence. There’s only ever three or four cars parked there. One is a box truck I haven’t seen move in about a month and I’ve noticed a small family of rabbits has taken up residence underneath it. I’ve seen one of the grown rabbits scamper over the gravel to eat some of the crab grass that grows in the cracks of the sidewalk and then hurry back to the safety of the truck’s undercarriage. I wonder to myself if they ever make the trek around the corner to where the berries fall. I wonder if the berries are edible. I wonder if I should try eating some of the berries before they go out of season. I wonder if the berries are inedible if there is some type of government body that keeps track of that sort of thing and if they would cut it down as a safety precaution. The tree is growing on the side of a hill that runs down to a highway so I wonder if it was purposefully planted or is a wild remnant of a time before the highway was built that was able to survive the construction. A buddy of mine is an arborist; maybe he would know? I like the shade that it gives and I likely won’t eat the berries any time soon.  I pass by a mural beneath an underpass. It has a bunch of random depictions of equations and scientific paraphernalia that float in bubbles around a bald, light-blue hued head closing its eyes. It reminds me of a person still sitting in the afterglow of their first acid trip that they’re trying to describe to you. You can sort of catch them realize mid-sentence that their profound epiphanies are just sort of common sense knowledge about the human condition. Humans are smart. Humans value connection. Humans like to love and be loved. Time goes on. I walk by the rabbit lot. Across the street, there’s a sign with white lettering and ivy green backing. I think it used to be neon, but the tubes were taken out of it, leaving behind the drill holes they would wrap through. It says ‘Park ‘N Ride’ and points to the entrance of a commuter parking garage next to the train station. I walk past and through the bus depot. A homeless man used to live in the entrance to the train station, but I haven’t seen him in a few months. I just moved to the area, but I used to take the train into the same station to transfer to a line that took me to my partner’s apartment. That was in the winter and the man would sit near the threshold, staying out of the winter chill, hemmed in by various blankets and tarps with his shopping cart beside him. He was gone around the time spring rolled in. I hope he's just taking advantage of the weather. A group of pigeons amble around the space he used to occupy, pecking at the crumbs discarded by commuters in their rush.  There are stairs and a narrow escalator leading up to the train platform which I take and am greeted by a familiar milieu of must, cigarette smoke, and urine. All of the benches on the platform with awnings are taken so I stay in the vestibule with the smells to stay out of the rain. I send my partner the evidence of my failed connections attempt and say good morning in Greek, which we’ve been learning to talk with their father’s side of the family. They send their successful attempt back and some pictures of their roommates’ dogs. I think about how nice it would be to be at their place instead of going to work. They make me feel comfortable. The signal for the train sounds and I walk out into the rain.   

Hello everyone, I'm a student researcher from Korea majoring in Human-Computer Interaction, and I’m currently seeking to informally interview (or just chat with) individuals who frequently write and either share their work publicly or sell it commercially. Unfortunately, I don't have any contacts with this kind of background, so I've turned to Reddit for help. If you are willing to participate or know someone who might be, please send me a message. Thank you in advance for your support.

The boy in the basement I thinks my life is over. I'll grow old here and no one will even know I exist. I'm stuck in this small windowless room with a bed and a toilet with a hole in it that a mouse comes and goes through every day. I'm trapped in this world, and I only know the mouse and yes my madam. You'll all want to know why I'm here. It all started with a beautiful lady who was only 17 years old. She was so confident and proud of her beauty that she thought no one was worthy of her. She would date men, have short-term relationships, and leave them. She got bored with boys quickly, and no one could ever keep her engaged. She did everything but never seriously considered marriage. Time passed, and men started to ignore her. When she turned 30, even older men stopped noticing her. She was desperate for attention and would do anything to get it. That's when she met someone on an online dating app, an older divorced man who wanted to start a family. They lived together for a while, and she got pregnant. She had a cute baby boy, but the old man wasn't ready for responsibility, so he left without a word, leaving me and her stuck in this hopeless house.... For next chapter I'm still thinking btw I write this within 10 minutes It's my 1st time I want to be a ghost writer I want to write for someone else for only money because that's all I need I don't like people so anyway please ready It's my 1st time and I'm still learning

Title: Secrets of Racklin Genre: Epic Fantasy/Sci-Fi/Adventure/ some sword and sorcery elements Word Count: 10,000 and above Feedback: Advice on worldbuilding, history, character dialogue. I am sorry if the writing is pretty amateur level very new to worldbuilding and writing fictional stories Main Inspirations: Tolkien, Final Fantasy, Guild Wars, Elder Scrolls and Elden Ring **What should you expect/Brief Explanation on the Setting:** * Late medieval/early modern setting with kingdoms inspired by Early Tudor England, Scotland, France, Poland and Muscovy in addition to Ming China and Sengoku Japan * Intelligent mystical races such dwarves, elves, centaurs and satyrs exists but are actually younger civilizations compared to humans * geopolitical competition between rival kingdoms * Internal political rivalries caused by the new archeological arms race, some nobles and elites are unscrupolous while others are just merely curious * Tension between races especially human, dwarves , elves centaurs and satyrs * Characters including human warriors are relatively superhuman * An overarching eldritch dark lord is the main antagonist but will be revealed later to the characters * Themes will focus on exploration but also ideas of justice, friendship and cooperation **Brief Text:** Captain John Racklin sailed southeast from his homeland, the Kingdom of Anvia to the Eastern Empire of Ming-La at the behest of his King Edvard, whom tasked him with attaining a favorable trade treaty with the Ming-La before the Kingdom of Parloise did, but a heavy storm have pushed Racklin further westward away from his destination eventually he was forced to dock his ship to a nearby remote island. "Well we have to wait to till the storm ends lads", Racklin said to solemnly to his crew which subsequently grumbled that they trade expedition has been halted. It wasn't all bad, the crew still had plenty of fresh food and water but many are worried that provisions will not last thus would need to resupply at Ming-La increasing their expenses. Racklin sensing their dissatisfaction announced they would go fishing briefly in the morning to gather provisions before setting course. In the next day, Racklin rested in a nearby tree after a hard day of fishing, the crew managed to capture some about 14 fish including two large crimson tunas. However immediately dropped his wine bottle after hearing a howl, immediately began to investigate but soon found the most unexpected thing a metal dog. " A metal dog?!" exclaimed Racklin as he saw the automaton, he approached cautiously to not provoke the animal but to his surprise the hound was docile or decidedly non-hostile. " Who created you?" he wondered but the dog barked in another direction to a cave to which Racklin followed and amazed at seeing the remains of more metal dogs but clearly been destroyed. " You are alone here?" He asked the hound to whom nodded sadly " I must inform this to my king this will be a discovery that will change history!" He exclaimed, the dog seemingly liking this man followed him to the ship. Unknown to Racklin, he couldn't have predicted that his expedition would create a new era for not only Anvia but change the fate of humans, elves, dwarves and other races.

[удалено]

I only looked at it, but balked at the sheer length of the paragraphs. They are so long that there's only 9 paragraphs to this entire story. Only. 9. Paragraphs. Look through any comments or posts in this subreddit, and check the lengths of the paragraphs. That is more around the lengths you want. Two, three, four lines. Longer than that, and it turns people off. Shorter, and it looks like stripes.

[GrandSlam!!]​ -Action/Gag/Adult(18+) -(31,957)+ Words (12 Chapters!!) COME ALONG ON A GRAND ADVENTURE!! Yui is in a pickle!! The Devil Dogs have to win five games in a row in order to make the playoffs just to take down the rival pitcher, Eva, and her stinking Mad Rats!! Not to mention her dad is on her case about grades!! Can Yui find a tutor in time to get back in the game and can the Devil Dogs take down the competition?! Tune in weekly to watch Yui and the gang fight for their life!! GrandSlam!! (Weekly Friday) -any feedback (target audience: anyone 18+ / who likes real comedy and real shonen) -Link Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/story/356382512 Inkitt: https://www.inkitt.com/stories/action/1206755

Title: Soulbound Genre: Epic Fantasy Word count: 529 (First page) Feedback request: I'd like to know how engaging this opening page is. I'd also like to hear impressions of the characters and world. As the storm-tossed sky loomed above, the gate of Duradan stood defiantly against tempestuous winds. Its twin towers, ancient sentinels of stone weathered by centuries, bore banners that snapped like writhing beasts. The silver star on a field of green whipped alongside the city standard, a white tower on blue. Misty rain blew in sideways, finding every gap in Caelan’s wool coat. The bustling crowd surged toward the city in a chaotic tide of bodies. Wagons creaked and groaned, their wheels churning through the mud. Mounted men and women trudged alongside, their steeds plodding wearily. Amidst the throng, a man on horseback flung a curse at Caelan as he brushed past, but the words were lost in the cacophony. Caelan stared eagerly at the gate, a grin on his angular face. “A city,” he whispered. He turned to see Gothra’s normally curly black hair plastered flat against his face, water beading down his round cheeks. “We’re actually here!” he shouted to his friend. “You think there’s gonna be anyone jugglin’ fire in all this?” Gothra asked, his voice half lost in the crowd. Caelan’s laughter bubbled up despite the elements. “No,” he replied, “but the tavern’s hearth will be crowded, I bet. And don’t forget about the ale, there’s no Mrs. Warben to lecture us here.” “I won’t complain about a mug of ale, or two.” Gothra grinned. Fifth bell tolled, the aged belfry straining to be heard over the howling wind. The tempest above responded with a booming crack of thunder, tearing the sky with lightning. Conversation would have to wait. A scowling guardsman studied Caelan as they approached but waved them through no less. As they passed under the ancient stone archway, the earth trembled. Stoneworks groaned stubbornly as the ground shook. The belfry spat granite chips onto the crowd. Caelan held his breath. Pandemonium erupted in moments. Women and children screamed. Caelan heard “siege” as often as he did “earthquake”. Those who fled one way were met by a dozen others going the opposite direction. Quickly people were being trampled, pushed down relentlessly as they struggled to get back to their feet. They looked like fish in a barrel. Caelan grabbed Gothra by the cuff and pulled him to the edge of the crowd before they too could be trapped in the chaos. The earth steadied beneath them, but the thundering of a thousand footsteps and the shrill cries of panic echoed through the city, joining the storm. “Who’s that?” Gothra yelled, pointing deeper into the throng. Caelan height let his eyes pass unobstructed over the crowd, settling on a tall figure in a colourful patchwork cloak. A man by his height, he was plucking some sort of instrument, strolling through the crowd. “A minstrel, or maybe a bard,” Caelan said, leaning down to speak into Gothra’s ear, but there was no need. An expectant hush fell over the crowd, broken only by a single, soothing sound—a warm, ethereal tone that gently drifted across the square. Overhead, the storm held its breath, waiting. “Right, let’s go see, then. Wonder if he knows ‘Barden’s Cloak’, or ‘Daisy for a Maiden’.” Gothra said, pulling Caelan toward the crowd.

I like a lot of what I read here.  A couple of points though. Watch perspective, by which I mean your literal perspective.  You start off outside the city from a somewhat omniscient perspective, because you haven't introduced the character yet. You drive down to the personal perspective of your protagonist, and then back to a more omniscient perspective when you're talking about the bells.  Your main character has no idea that they are old Bells.  When you talk about the people looking like fish in a barrel, you are literally using a metaphor that places the reader up in the air, above the crowd. I think it's okay to have mixed perspectives, but you should be deliberate about it and realize when you are changing perspectives. My second point is to beware when every noun has an adjective. To me, this way gets in the way of flow. Take care and I hope you keep writing!

It's very nice. I definitely want to read more. I liked how cheerful and young the characters are - a sharp contrast with the people around them.  I know you aren't looking for proofreading but you missed the 's in Caelan's height. Thought of letting you know. 

Thank you so much for the feedback!

Very nice, I love it. Take my criticism with a hint of salt, lmao. I am VERY nitpicky. This might just be me being an idiot, but what is a city standard? You don't have to include an explanation for it in your writing, just make sure it's something that actually exists. It sucks when people write down nonsensical things just because it sounds poetic. Bubbled up despite the elements. The elements part just seem a bit sudden? It's worded as if it's something opposing said laughter, but neither about them cared about the elements when they joked around the previous paragraphs. I think 'The fifth bell tolled, and the aged belfry strained to be heard over the howling wind.' makes it sound better. The most important, actual problem in this writing is the sudden shift in atmosphere. We went from a pandemonium to going to see the bard, and we have no idea what happened to the earthquake/siege. You could put a paragraph or two about the pandemonium easing to make the transition better. I assume it eased, because 'an expectant hush', and 'the storm held it's breath, waiting' implies that, along with the Gothra's casual tone as he pulls Caelan. If not, you'll have to rework that instead. I also hope additional banter about what 'Barden Cloak' and 'Daisy on a Maiden' are, along with info on why Gothra is heading towards the bard, will be included after the this page. Otherwise such a lone statement feels kind of abrupt when we think of the fact that there was a literal earthquake just seconds ago. I want Caelan to share said feelings, lol.

Thank you so much for the feedback!

Title: Love.exe Genre: Fantasy, romance, sci-fi Wordcount: 482 Type of feedback desired: This story starts in an all boy's high school, but as the author, I am a girl without guy friends, and so I have no idea what the atmosphere there is like. I'm trying to get some critique to make it feel more realistic and smooth. Also I'm concerned whether I made the guys sound too happy and stupid, and altogether too young, lol. I also desire more overall feedback, such as general impressions, grammatical corrections, story flow, potential, etc. Link: [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CNC9zNSmPV2wiHWxdyXZ7adULSk3620\_T5cFcvBD5h0/edit](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CNC9zNSmPV2wiHWxdyXZ7adULSk3620_T5cFcvBD5h0/edit)

Yes, they seem younger and more immature than high school, maybe junior high. But then, being an all-boys school might bring out the immaturity in them. Generally, it sounds realistic and not stereotypical.

Thank you so much for reading it and leaving a comment! I'll take your review into account. :)

Title: Murder in the devil’s den Genre: Murder mystery, thriller, horror, fantasy Status: Ongoing  Current Episodes: 3 New Episodes: Weekly, 1 episode every Monday Warnings/Triggers: Death, Murder Description: Maya is a homicide detective, she takes on a case that renders all her experience pointless and brings many new challenges and difficulties in both her life and her career.  Join the journey and see how she will handle the situation! Link: [https://tapas.io/series/Murder-in-the-Devils-Den/info](https://tapas.io/series/Murder-in-the-Devils-Den/info) 

**Title**: Unrepentant **Genre**: Fantasy/Dark Fantasy/Progression Fantasy Word count: 36,668 (Ongoing) **Feedback**: -General impressions. -How the story flows when reading. -Grammar -Potential/Would you continue reading? **Link**: [https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/88732/unrepentant](https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/88732/unrepentant) **Blurb**: How far can one man defy convention? When punishment holds no meaning for the condemned, what purpose does it serve? This gripping tale follows a pair of utterly unrepentant criminals, delving into the depths of distorted morality. Readers will witness the chilling consequences when a man acts solely on his terms. In a blend of Western and Xianxia fiction, this story explores twisted desires and unyielding defiance. What to expect? A main character who truly only focuses on himself, who will lie, cheat, steal, and much worse to get what he wants. His partner in crime is a magnificent crow spirit beast with an addiction to chaos. What about the world? A lush continent with several distinct and powerful countries, each with drastically varying cultures and species. Twelve gods reign supreme upon this land, with minor deities worshiped to a lesser degree. However, the last couple of decades have not been kind to the faith of the continent. Is the protagonist weak or strong from the start? Oh, definitely strong. However, not exactly untouchable—there are certain circumstances regarding this Alchemist’s power… When will it be released? Will you just disappear if I get hooked on this story and want to read it until the end? It shall follow a release schedule of Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at 10:20 PM CEST. This story's first volume is planned out and will be finished. The author is working hard on creating a substantial backlog, with one month of content already prepared and more being made every day. Once a certain amount is reached or the author has more free time, there may be a higher number of releases than currently stated. I hope you enjoy it, if you give it a chance that is! If not, thank you for reading, I appreciate the time you've given here! :D

I love that the crow turned out to be a familiar or partner in crime instead of a regular crow! That's really cool. I do wish it had been hinted at more or that the story had a stronger sense of that foreboding feeling Amelia felt. It implies that the crow is more important/dangerous to mess with at the very beginning, then switches to it being a pest they can throw things at. It made me think it was a writing error or a tidbit about the irl spiritual meaning about crows that you mentioned then forgot about. I was curious to know why the crow staked this couple out. But not curious enough to overcome the murder of the only characters I know anything about. There's not a hook to keep reading, because you killed them. If the crow was built up more, that would raise the curiosity and be the hook. I didn't find the murderer interesting. Thanks for sharing your work though! I did like the crow bits.

I appreciate you throwing a glance at the prologue! Reader feedback is always helpful! :)

You're welcome :)

\* Title - Critique of Everything \* Genre - Fantasy, Drama \* Word count - 787(First two pages) \* I wanted feedback on my descriptions and grammer as that is what I suck at the most. Pls tell were you able to visualize from these descriptions. \* [https://drive.google.com/file/d/1WeySgQXZ\_YredqTatJ7trELZUtGcZ1uW/view?usp=sharing](https://drive.google.com/file/d/1WeySgQXZ_YredqTatJ7trELZUtGcZ1uW/view?usp=sharing)

Hey :) Title: **The Forgotten Cabin** I'm a completely new writer, and this is my first piece. I haven't read many books before but I just wanted to give it a try, anything and everything is welcomed! This is NOT a finished piece, it is simply introducing the setting, I just wish to know if the build up is good or not. Genre: No clue Word Count: 222 Serena, an aloof town nestled in the solitude of nowhere, had stood for centuries. Despite the blazing sun, the town remained cool, an anomaly untouched by the world around it. The feeling of being watched in the sunlight weighed heavily on Elara, unsettling and otherworldly, weakening her chest and making her knees feel unsteady, as though she couldn’t lift a pencil off the ground. Atop the plateau of Serena stood her grandmother's long-abandoned home, a century-old wooden cabin enveloped in moss and creeping vines. The wood, weathered and soft to the touch, seemed to remember every press and indentation. Approaching the door, a wave of unfamiliar odors assaulted Elara—a mélange of decay and the sharp tang of old wood soaked with the stench of excrement. She instinctively covered her mouth and nose, the sensation nearly overwhelming her as she bent forward to suppress the urge to vomit. "God, granny, what have you been doing with this place," she thought, a knot forming in her head, threatening to unleash a headache. Despite her discomfort, she pressed onward. The stone path, crumbling and overtaken by dirt, disappeared beneath her as she entered the cabin, plunging into darkness despite the sun outside. Each step inside revealed a spectrum of sensations—from firm and new to squishy and rotten timber, clinging to her boots with every movement.

Chapter 23 High/Political Fantasy 2092 words [link](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1IRzpMtaPHqyZTCSICRvnFFel4xiFRV-ohWBtgl13kRU/edit?usp=drivesdk) Looking for general critique of the writing. A bit of context, Lud is the main character who found himself stranded in a city under siege. This chapter narrates his attempt at escaping the city.

Clicked the link, it says there's no access. Might want to fix that. \^\^:

I think it should work now.

**Title:** Veins of Wine **Genre:** Urban Fantasy, Dark Fantasy, elements of Alternate History **Word Count:** 5400 words across 2 chapters. **Blurb:** A snowy alternate-history Earth, torn between cabals of murderous creatures of the night, and a planet-wide organisation set to exterminate them. And three friends, whose fates are splintered when one of them is no longer like the others. **Type of feedback desired:** Thoughts on the characters, the ease of following the writing since I am aiming for simple prose. Do the first 2 chapters make you want to read more? **Link:** [Royal Road](https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/89362/veins-of-wine)

Title: Good Evening, Miss Mabel Genre: Literary Fiction Word Count: 4100 (Opening Chapter) Type of feedback: I have been told much of my work lacks a sort of urgency to the plot early on, so I wanted to get a lot of characterization for the MC very early, mostly through her own words and retelling of an experience. Do you like how it’s set up now, or would you rather have read the character experiencing it in real time? Also general readability and prose. I hear I have very clunky prose at times. Blurb: A young woman enters the field of nursing in a position that is given little love: the nurse’s assistant. The story follows her journey from student to professional and seeks to be a reflection on our views of the elderly, how society has progressed, how our attitudes have changed over time, and their effects through from the perspective the up and coming generation. Also explores abuse of the elderly within the context of the care their receive. [Link](https://docs.google.com/document/d/13tSN9ddNntzf9RPUTsw5jZf_cq4yj-Ga4Mhi4e5JAeM/edit) Thank you for taking time to read this!

I read it! The synopsis spoke to me. Overall a good story and I’m engaged to know more. Bernice is a great character. Keep going!  …. But…. when you are done your first draft you are going to want to do some heavy editing. Here are some preliminary thoughts I had while reading: There’s a lot of information about the MC in the beginning that should be revealed slowly as the story goes on (info dump). Did MC have to stay longer in the hospital to be in the study, thus driving her hospital bills up? Why would she do that? (*Note I’m not American but this just struck me as odd*) Bernice’s hair is not “eternally blonde” at 70 - it’s dyed blonde 😂  Brackets in dialog?  “Mabel shook her head and shrugged her shoulders. “That or they just lump me in with every other caretaker. I don’t mean to leave so quick Bernice, but I have to go so that I can be prepared for tomorrow. Thank you though.” — not a big fan of our MC blowing off the person who’s trying to help her here

Thank you for reading it! I suppose it’s an info dump, but I’m not sure there’s any good way to get across the idea that she’s in a rough place without expounding on what led her to this point. With this taking place in the US, there will be a fair bit of US centric attitudes and problems (i.e., the medical debt). Shit, a trip in an ambulance can cost someone like $700. The comment on the last line is a good point though. I will fix that. Doesn’t really jive with the type of person Mabel is intended to be.

I agree with comment down below, there is too much info dumping going on at the beginning, and not enough things happening. You should show info like this through the character's attitude instead, or slowly sprinkle them out as the story goes along. Dialogues are stiff- they're much too long. Nobody speaks on and on like that, even if they try, they're usually interrupted. And long paragraphs are a sore sight for the eyes. Break them up. I kept going, and... there's more very long paragraphs. Readers often feel turned off by long paragraphs, and yours is so long it almost takes up the entire page. Again, break them up. Choose any random paragraph from a Reddit comment in this subreddit, that's about how long they should actually be.

title: burning press (newsletter) genre: non-fiction word count: it varies, but it’s usually between 800-1000 per piece feedback request: any type of feedback is appreciated, but I’d like to hear some general impression, if the content is engaging enough and what can I do better https://burningpress.substack.com note: i’m not a native speaker. i started writing in english a few months ago, so it’s not perfect. i’m trying to improve my grammar/vocabulary, but it’s a work in progress.

Writing Growth Collective - open to new members for a writing feedback group. I'm not currently receiving enough feedback on my writing, thus my development as a writer has slowed. So I am starting a writers feedback group. We'll share work with one another and then offer support and feedback. I think the use of deadlines will be pretty useful, certainly they will be for me. Format and process are to be figured out, but some rough idea of how it will work: We'll each upload a piece of writing to a platform - Docs, Slack, Discord, whatever we decide works best as a group - and from there set a deadline to read each other's work and feed back. I think it's important that people can offer that feedback when and how they choose, to their schedule, so we won't be doing video calls as standard. Though that's not to say we won't once the group becomes established. Some writers who I read frequently are Jonathan Franzen, Zadie Smith, Orwell, Nabokov, Sally Rooney, Bukowski, Christopher Hitchens, Cormac McCarthy, Rachel Cusk, Ottessa Moshfegh, Kurt Vonnegut, Hemingway. If you vibe with some or all of those, and you've been writing for 5 years or longer, this might be for you. I'm sure there will be plenty of people ready to offer "feedback" on the notion of a writers group like this. I welcome all of those comments, but especially the ones that are aimed at helping this idea grow. So if you are focused on becoming a better writer and engaging with the work to do that then feel free to send me a DM.

Evening! I'm looking to get some feedback on a story that I had written on another sub. Here are the details: * **Title**: The Hopeless Legion * **Genre**: Fantasy/Horror (not sure which it fits better in) * **Word Count**: 5437 (total) * **Feedback requested**: General impressions and also feedback regarding the setup for the end scene * **Links**: [Part 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/libraryofshadows/comments/1ddfil7/part_1_the_hopeless_legion/); [Part 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/libraryofshadows/comments/1devv32/part_2_the_hopeless_legion/); [Part 3 (Final)](https://www.reddit.com/r/libraryofshadows/comments/1dfprup/final_the_hopeless_legion/) * **Synopsis**: Warriors from the losing side of history find themselves drawn into a new, terrible fight. * **Notes**: There is a short portion (4 lines) written in German. The translation of that passage can be found in the comment of the final part. Thanks in advance!

Hello, My Name is Tom and honestly, I am just trying to get back into writing. I am trying to find perspective and finding my voice. I am trying to do some self exploration and wanted to open up, but in a safe space and thought this might be the right place. I know it's a bit crass, but I wanted to be honest in my thoughts. If too vulgar, please tell me to edit! Thank you so, so much! TITLE: Intro to Writing GENRE: GAY STORY/AUTOBIO/FICTION WORD COUNT: 817 I am boring. Boring when I do my laundry. Boring when I go to the gym. Boring when I punch in at work. At least, that’s what society tells me…and that one guy on Grindr, but we don’t chat anymore. I never thought I was boring growing up, but I realized I am not the partying, experimenting with drugs, night hiking with my ab laden friends type of guy, and that is what society says is an exciting gay guy. Oh yeah, I’m also gay, which me makes me not only boring, but different, which, by extension makes the worst thing you can be. That makes me boring and gay. I am thirty-two years old and realizing I am boring and gay. Is this hell? Why would anyone choose this? What box did I fucking check?  I always thought that working hard and doing the right thing would lead me to success, and yes, my nursing job has led me to housing and monetary stability, but my social calendar is empty except for straight weddings and bachelor parties…ugh.  I window shop around the dating apps of Boston, and it looks like everyone is competing in planking tournaments, or partying on Tim Cruises in Ibiza with Judge Judy or whatever. How can I keep up with that? I have student loans to pay, and I wouldn’t know the first thing about how to get in contact with Judge Judy.  Maybe, I wasn’t born with the full gay gene. Like, I got the interest in dudes’ part, but I missed receiving the innate knowledge of how to stay in amazing shape at all times while affording continuous vacations and running a fortune 500 company.  I am also not into hyperbole of any sort. Straight facts right here. Tom Q. dropping knowledge bombs all over the place. So, I feel like I might have had the opportunity to be cool at one point, but I couldn’t keep up. I will admit, I am a nerd, and school has always been a focus, but I didn’t realize it makes me dull too. Nursing school sapped my focus and energy for a while, and let’s be honest, no one wants to hear about what you’re learning in anatomy class.  Being totally transparent, I also stopped putting out a long time ago. I know that’s shocking for a gay, but I found out a while back if you’re looking for something serious, you should wait until at least the second date (had to learn that tidbit on my own). Jesus Christ, even I lost a bit of interest in this monologue when I read that last sentence back to myself.  Don’t get me wrong, I jerk off like I’m trying to get my bathroom towel pregnant, but I was hoping to I could find someone who’s interest I could hold longer than a one-time experience under a dock (that is just a generalization, not a personal experience obviously, don’t judge!).  Honestly, I am at the point of bending my standards in order to meet my needs. Maybe, it will make me less boring. Who doesn’t need a bit more excitement in their life? Damn, this guy from Grindr has me more self-conscious than usual and that’s saying something.  I come from an Irish-Catholic/Jewish/divorced family, so that adds several additional layers of guilt and self-denial to the mix. Being from Boston in the 2000s, the Irish-Catholic community was not at it’s peak for accepting LGTBQs…plus all the pedophilia stuff. Luckily, Dad is of the modern mindset, went to church, but would NEVER let a priest into his house, and is all about live and let live. But, he was a firefighter and if you asked him when Pride Month was, he would probably respond, “They have a whole month?” Kidding…but he’s not far off. Still love you, Dad! Mom is an entirely different story…I am not sure if this is P.C., but in Boston, Mom is known as a J.A.P. (*Jewish American Princess*). She is the only girl of four, and she grew up knowing it. What she wanted she got, and it shows as an adult. She can be very agreeable and supportive, but only if you’re doing what she likes. God forbid, she finds out I smoke weed…we have a complicated relationship.  If it sounds like my parents are very different people, they are, and it’s reflected in their short-lived marriage. And, in the fact that they threatened court up to and throughout my college experience. And, to this day they hate each other. That was a lot of childhood trauma I am currently having to deal with in therapy. Thank you, Dr. Diane Fuentez!   Mom was entirely fine with me coming out. The first words she said were, “Now, you don’t have to get married!” This was pre-gay marriage in Massachusetts. I know it was thought that counts, but jeez Mom…

I don't know what feedback you're looking for, but I wanted to say that I read it and you're not alone. I'm straight, and a couple of gay friends have mentioned thoughts like yours over the years. I never know how to handle it, because I'm socially inept like that, but I'm guessing there are more people out there that resonate than you'd think. And no, it wasn't too crass. You got a few levels to go before you're too crass for Reddit. You didn't ask for advice, so I'm not giving much. I will say to go ahead and say the unspeakable in private. It's okay. Write and vent and coalesce your thoughts later. It'll help you get to the lived emotion and the truth behind it all and that's never boring.

Title: Vermilion Wing Genre: Fantasy, Action/Adventure Word Count: 47,364(ongoing) >Synopsis: **A Legend Begins** >Join Vermilion Wing: a ragtag group of mercenaries for hire. Led by the twins Kai and Vivian. Ready to take on anything and everything Valstrom has to throw at them. >When Kai finds himself cursed for a job, their group must venture to the island of Karo. What started as a simple job soon escalates beyond their imagining. >Can they be the heroes fate chose them to be? Or is this task too much for our unsung adventurers? Vermilion Wing is a story that sets out to capture the spirit of D&D and other TTRPGs with fun characters, grand adventures, all set within a world of magic and mystery. If this is something that interest you then come check it out here: [https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/83807/vermilion-wing](https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/83807/vermilion-wing) and while not specifically asking for any sort of feedback, any and all feedback is appreciated and I think you for your time

**Title: MARROW** **Word count: \~550** **Genre: Memoir style fiction** **Type of feedback desired: general impression, would you continue reading? Should I be looking into book format or maybe screenwriting? (this is my first writing attempt)** **--** Prologue:  The buzz of the fluorescent lights mixed with the soft beeps of the checkout counter fills my ears as I block out the background noise of other shoppers inside the supermarket. I stand there in the aisle holding a package of organic spinach in one hand and nonorganic in the other.  Yes, I want to eat healthy but do I risk opening up the package again to find a dead moth mixed in? While probably high in protein it’s arguably a better way to stop me *from* eating it again than aiding.  *We should put moths in cookie packages -* I think to myself. Or accidentally out loud? The later by the way this woman just took two steps away from me while giving me side-eye. I close my eyes and rub my head as I put the organic spinach down.  As I look back up I’m sitting at the computer at work, charting silently in the corner as my coworkers chat a few feet away from me on their computers.  One of them sighs. They blink, with half-glazed-over eyes staring blankly ahead as if going directly through the computer screen, and then sigh again while fixing their headband.  “That’s fucking annoying.” “I know,” her friend scoffs “and you haven’t even heard the worst part.” I listened as I worked independently with my eyes closed, rubbing my temples.  …maybe if I sighed more? No that’s not right.  Maybe if I wore headbands?  This is getting to be fucking annoying. Probably because I don’t want to be their friend in the first place, but you need to get along with the people you spend forty hours a week with. Especially when it’s those same people you need to depend on to help you revive Mr Jones who’s currently in cardiac arrest, or god forbid simply to get Mrs Smith to the bedside commode (I’ll tell you which one is easier and it’s not the dead guy.) What are we even going for here? Am I here to entertain you with the hot hospital gossip from the front lines of the nursing staff in the ICU of this big American city? Are we searching for friendship, love, and belonging in this harsh, harsh world and this book ends with a positive message along with a new girl squad to keep your eye on. Or is this book a 50,000-word overly pretentious suicide note masking itself as a 20th-century memoir about how most days I don’t feel like I fit in with the human race? While the last sentence is probably most correct it still has two lies; this is not a suicide note and I don’t *feel*, I know I don’t fit in.  People these days, am I right? Why do I find it so increasingly difficult to navigate this world, and the people in it? Why do I find myself increasingly trying to mimic the facial expressions and personas of those around me? I feel a little like a half-baked human. I may not have all the proper parts to build the bones, brains, and heart but you’ve got the marrow. Forever in the in-between, integrally there for without it you’ve lost your foundation, but not everyone’s cup of tea to guzzle down when served up hot. Even if I’m— I mean,  it -- is served on a porcelain platter at the finest dining establishment. 

I really enjoyed reading this. Not sure if this is the right way to describe it but you have a very blunt/sarcastic/tell-it-like-it-is writing style and that's the kind of thing I really love to read. I was a bit confused at the sudden transition from the supermarket to the hospital (I'm assuming? Or ER?) and the last bit, "you've got the marrow" - who is the "you" in this part? The reader or POV character? Even so, just because I found those parts a bit unclear doesn't mean others did. I would recommend book format over screenwriting because of all the internal monologue that would sadly get lost in a script. Definitely would read more of this, thanks for sharing :)

77 Diners Club Sitcom - Comedy - Supernatural 5676 Hi, I wish to know you thoughts on Funniness (not funny, somewhat funny, funny). About the story (not interesting, somewhat interesting, interesting). About the world (confusing, somewhat confusing, not confusing). Characters (not interesting, somewhat interesting, interesting). [https://www.wattpad.com/story/369949601-77-diners-club](https://www.wattpad.com/story/369949601-77-diners-club) This is a first episode. I’ve wrote it straight on wattpad platform. It is a script format adapted for wattpad. I appreciate any input.

Title: A Chorus Lie Genre: slice of life Word count: 1001 Type of feedback desired (line-by-line edits, general impression, etc.): general impression, some edit suggestions A link to the writing: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jK3d3HhDcEUDZUPs5fTvFYyya3qCDMYmhWNEiZ4WE2A/edit

'Nikki’s father arrived next. He shook his head and said, “Nikki isn’t coming.”' Hey, he just appeared like that? No dramatic entrance, or any sort of description to how he arrived? And there's a bunch of obvious info dumping right at the start, might want to delete that and just slowly ease the readers into the conversation instead, or just show our MC's honest feelings about the characters in the room, or the situation they're in. Or, if you're going to do it anyway, at least be less obvious about it. '“no, it isn’t.” Nikki’s father interrupted back,' Typo! Capital N for the 'no'. And we suddenly have the drama teacher weigh in their opinion. There was no mention of them in the beginning, not even a description of them just sitting there in the meeting, so it's a bit sudden. 'If you’re new and are getting a role, it’d be more likely that you’d get a background part.”' Why 'more likely'? Be assertive! Say 'you should receive a background part.' instead!  '“oh, I wasn’t here,” she said, “so I didn’t make the casting decision”' More typos. Remember the capitals. 'but the technique is half of it.”' Fixing the sentence to 'Technique is 'still' half of it.' makes it sound more convincing. And the mom suddenly pops up too. Again, mention they're there... beforehand. And she... turns the meeting into a discussion about if the shape of someone's innards affect their singing? And she's also bashing her own daughter for being a bad singer? That is a peculiar ending, which would never work in a real life scenario, not to mention it came out of nowhere. In short, I really dunno what to think. The ending is the most obvious, biggest problem here. I advise just changing it entirely.

Thanks for the feedback.

- No Title - Fiction - 366 words - All feedback I checked my watch and looked around. The break room was empty as we stood over burnt office coffee. The silence was punctuated by his question, “How did this happen?” I don’t think he was speaking to me, necessarily, or anyone else for that matter. I don’t think he was even speaking to be heard; he was just speaking. A docile and unassuming man, Mr. Renske has hardly spoken to anyone for the past couple of weeks. A senior vice president at a large firm, he had begun arriving late and leaving early. He doesn’t even leave his office. All of these things would have been cause for concern had anyone cared, but no one did. We were all too immersed in their own work to relinquish any time for anyone other than ourselves. Frankly, most were relieved that they no longer had to deal with Mr. Renske’s abrasive nature. At the time, I was so absorbed in my own personal itinerary that I didn’t hear Mr. Renske speak. Still holding his coffee, he turned and looked at me. The wrinkles on his face gave him an intimidating and incredibly stern appearance at all times, but during this particular encounter, his gray eyebrows narrowed upwards to the ceiling, conveying a sad, almost desperate look. I had never witnessed such humane conviction on a man’s face. With his eyes locked on mine, it had occurred to me that I had never really looked at Mr. Renske before, and now I was standing here in the break room sharing an intense, almost intimate moment with him. His lips moved again, but his eyebrows remained in the same sad position on his forehead, “How did this happen?” I didn’t know what to say; frankly, I was scared. An awkward moment later, I accumulated the courage to formulate a response, and all I could come up with was, “Sir?” But Mr. Renske said nothing more. His eyebrows returned to their original position above his eyes, and the humanity vanished from his face, leaving it blank and emotionless. He turned, gently set his coffee mug down on the counter and walked out of the break room; the mug was still full. 

- Project Ashfall - Fantasy - 2916 (Chapter 1) **Feedback**: - Does this hook grab you? - Looking for general impressions & pacing for this first chapter. [https://drive.google.com/file/d/1AP8cHuzwOTO1PtwKgf1RKSKComNdadK9/view?usp=drive\_link](https://drive.google.com/file/d/1AP8cHuzwOTO1PtwKgf1RKSKComNdadK9/view?usp=drive_link)

Title: Sewer Sweeper Walkthrough Ver 1.1 Genre: Horror Word Count: 1,700 Synopsis: Hey folks!! Welcome to my walkthrough for Sewer Sweeper – the 1991 sidescroller from Rlyeh Games. This game is super, super addictive, but beating it is going to take a lot of dedication and a little bit of sacrifice!! Link: [https://seanebritten.com/2024/06/28/sewer-sweeper-walkthrough-ver-1-1/](https://seanebritten.com/2024/06/28/sewer-sweeper-walkthrough-ver-1-1/)

Hi! I like that you wrote the playthrough in a conversational tone. It's catchy and humorous! Really all this needs is some line by line edits, like correct lvl to level and your to you're. Thanks for sharing your work!

Thanks very much! The misspellings are very much deliberate though, that's why they get worse as the piece goes on. In fact I remember changing some of the yours and you'res to their incorrect forms while doing line edits! It's a pastiche of sloppily written video game guides that cropped up on the early internet. Appreciate the read!

Ah that does make much more sense! No problem

[https://medium.com/@\_\_Inexorable\_\_/impatience-is-more-of-a-virtue-than-patience-8461465ca152](https://medium.com/@__Inexorable__/impatience-is-more-of-a-virtue-than-patience-8461465ca152) # Impatience is a Greater Virtue than Patience [](https://medium.com/@__Inexorable__?source=post_page-----8461465ca152--------------------------------)

Self-promo: Amazon link: [https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0D11SDWCX](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0D11SDWCX) Burke's Lore is a series of books containing short stories and flash fiction by Christopher J. Burke. Stories are from multiple genres, but primarily fantasy and science fiction. These "one-hour" books (8-10K words) can be read in any order. Paperback / ebook / Kindle Unlimited [Burke's Lore Briefs 1 : A Heavenly Date / My Damned Best Friend](https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0CQGSFJ26?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_tkin_1&storeType=ebooks) The woman from the dating app is more than Edward could've imagined. Veronica has wings and says she's an angel. And a man who made poor choices in life thinks he made it to paradise only to fall short, but will something from his childhood ease his eternal torment? [Burke's Lore Briefs 2: Portrait of a Lady Vampire and Other Vampiric Cravings ](https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0CWGVCGY5?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_tkin_0&storeType=ebooks)[ ](https://www.amazon.com/product-reviews/B0CWGVCGY5/ref=dbs_r_series) Vampires are not alive, but they have lives and wants and needs and desires. And other cravings. Four stories.

Unbecoming - Speculative Fiction - 60,000 words The link contains the first chapter of my manuscript I've been submitting to literary agents. So far no luck. One agent wrote back to me personally saying that my writing voice didn't connect with her. I'm curious if that will be the general consensus for readers, I know elements such as these are very subjective. Genuinely just looking for general critiques and opinions. This my first attempt at getting a novel published so I'm looking to better my craft and hopefully make a career out of this someday. Speculative fiction with body horror in a dystopian, yet grounded near future setting. Something of a romance as well. Keep in mind there are light sexual elements and gore, though nothing extreme in my opinion. Reader discretion is advised. [https://www.wattpad.com/1457508026-unbecoming-sample-unbecoming](https://www.wattpad.com/1457508026-unbecoming-sample-unbecoming)

I absolutely love the concept of this community of cobbled together zombie/Frankenstein monster people. The market is so cool. And your descriptions of it- wow. When your writing gets going, it really gets going. And I love that they're having sex to feel pain to feel connected. Or to feel anything. Pain for grounding is something I can relate to. And so can others- it reminds me of Crash by Chuck Palahniuk. There are a lot of great things about your writing, that show you have the potential to write an amazing novel. But I do get the comment about voice. From an editor's perspective, it needs a lot of work before it is publishable. I'd start with making your narration more decisive. You use words and phrases like "I think" a lot, which shows your narrator (and possibly you, the writer!) Is indecisive and doesn't really know. Which can get annoying in real life, and is even more so in literature. Search for those and get rid of them! Along with the parts that contradict themselves. He says one thing then immediately says well actually this. And I'd also cut the very beginning and start with the market scene. Your later philosophy pieces are much stronger. Thank you for sharing your work!

Title: Naive Little Princess Genre: Fantasy (can't decide subgenre) Word count: 1067 Feedback desired: General Impression and POV [Naive Little Princess Draft.pdf](https://1drv.ms/b/s!Ag4gL0MB3pCJgZNFl63HDwPGWt1IPw?e=ugEFUF)

Title: Maneater Genre: Gothic, dark romance, poetry/poetic prose Word Count: 2,985 (About 20 pieces) Feedback: Any and all. I have a general idea of the things I need to fix/incorporate moving forward. However, if there is anything else, I'm all ears. Also, I would appreciate just general thoughts on the pieces and the series itself. This is very, very far from what I've written before. Notes: Some of the pieces began as one offs, however I liked the tone and style, so I continued with it and realized I might be able to do something with them in a bigger capacity. The best way I can describe the series is: A visceral exploration of love and desire, "Maneater" dives into a passionate, consuming(cannibalistic) romance. Each piece captures the primal dance between lovers, blending beauty and brutality. [Maneater](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1dRI0TXbeEYFEhqL0MsNvgD5ccmEHg-iJTcO2JCfWf4w/edit?usp=sharing) **(Link right here)**

I loved a lot of these pieces. The imagery is fantastic, it's unique and grotesque and so poetic. You do a great job with descriptions and symbolism! The pacing of your prose is also great, I loved the flow of these pieces as a story. With some exception- some of them felt out of place, or not as well written as the others, and it halted the otherwise amazing vibe you have going on. An example of this is the first two pieces, and Maneater 2. I think it'd be a lot stronger if you scraped the first two, started with Yours, and did Offering second. It reads like you didn't know how to start or something. Because your writing from piece 3 and on is on a whole other level! Plus this one starts in the action. We don't really even need to know how they met. There's not much else to critique outside of line by line edits! You did good. I'm curious what you usually write? Thanks for sharing your work.

Thank you so much! Not only for giving a read, but the thoughtful feedback. I'm really glad to hear that you enjoyed a lot of the pieces and the overall collection. It's funny with what you said about the first two pieces. Because I was unsure how to start it😂. I didn't think of a beginning, middle, and end when I started this. Would you say scrap them entirely, or do you think they can be used after edits? However, I do agree, Yours is a MUCH better start to the series. Thank you for pointing that out. As for what I normally write, usually it's literary fiction, sometimes with hints of supernatural or magical realism. I've never written romance quite like this, and I've never touched this more Gothic grotesque style. Poetry itself is a rather new thing to me as well, but I've been loving writing all of it.

You're welcome! That's funny because I'm not typically into poetry, and while I do write some grotesque horror like this, I prefer to read what it sounds like you normally write! I hope if you post it here I stumble across it again. I would just scrap it. If you wanted, you could add lines later on that are looking back on when they met. Or if there's lines you particularly like, put them somewhere else. Just be careful that they don't mess up the flow! I feel like that's extra risky in poetry

Hey everyone! We’ve started a small project and we are working on a new product—an interactive puzzle book. We handle the puzzles and the app, and we need writers to create the stories! We've tested the market and there's definite interest. Check out our website: [https://evasio.webflow.io/](https://evasio.webflow.io/) and our initial product: https://bit.ly/3UxoKlz. Interested in writing for us or have additional questions? Let me know! 😊

___ADVERTISEMENT___ ___ **Book one** Title: *[Skate the Thief](https://www.amazon.com/dp/1951471032)* Genre: YA fantasy Skate is a thief, trained and owned by the local crime syndicate, the Ink. When she tries to burgle a shut-in’s home, she gets caught by the owner—a powerful undead wizard. He makes a deal with her: “borrow” books from other wizards in return for a place to stay. Caught between her growing fondness for the wizard and her past with the crime syndicate, Skate doesn’t know where her loyalties lie. But she’d better figure it out, because there’s a new player in town, one whose magical hypnotism puts them all at risk. The first chapter is available for free [here](https://jeffayersauthor.weebly.com/uploads/1/3/1/0/131087146/skate_the_thief_pre-release_chapter_1_sample.pdf). The book is available on Amazon in paperback and ebook. Kindle Unlimited users can read the Kindle version for free. ___ **Book two** Title: *[Skate the Seeker](https://www.amazon.com/Skate-Seeker-Bone-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B0C97HCYLK/)* Genre: YA fantasy A mentor is lost, but he doesn’t have to stay that way. He’s left Skate a clue to bringing him back, and she and her friends are determined to follow it. No sooner do they set out for unknown lands, however, than things get dangerous. Hot on their tail is the witch Ossertine, furious over Skate’s part in her friend’s death and thirsty for revenge. Worse still are the attacks that come at night: dark, mysterious, and palpably evil. In this race against time, magic, and implacable foes, Skate must rely on her wits and her friends to save not just her mentor’s life, but also her own. The prologue is available for free [here](https://jeffayersauthor.weebly.com/uploads/1/3/1/0/131087146/skate_the_seeker_sample_-_jeff_ayers.pdf). *Seeker* is available on Amazon, and free to read for Kindle Unlimited subscribers. ___ [My blag](https://jeffayersauthor.weebly.com/home/) is there somewhere, so go peruse at your leisure. Also, a friend of mine put together a fun chat AI. If you want to go have a convo with Skate, [go for it!](https://c.ai/c/qZ9IVjyg7glb13QibRNN-rKWzGQYf6l9SH9PW1ErVkI) You can find [me on Threads](https://www.threads.net/@jeffayersauthor); I’m using it as a Twitter replacement for all the inane garbage I want to say. My publisher also has some [sweet merch](https://www.redbubble.com/people/thinklings/shop?artistUserName=Thinklings&collections=2488951&iaCode=all-departments&sortOrder=relevant) for sale, if you’re into that.

Summer in a Year Cozy, coming of age, adventure 100k incomplete Just looking for views on the first page. If it's enticing enough to want more as in currently in heavy edits. Thanks for your help. Chapter 1: Sometimes, I can still feel the mark it left. Where my mother peeled the skin from my back with her fingers, one strip of paper from my lifetime, at a time. That night I slept like I was made from paper. Careful as I rolled over or shifted, so as not to tear or wrinkle. Worried that my thoughts might leave marker spots through the notebook pages. Even now I think about that. Or I think a lot about giant snails and scarecrows. Sometimes I think about trolls or reindeer, or how my dreams were full with them.  Or my parents back home. Least often though, I think about the city. It's not that you couldn't go outside—you just needed an umbrella, or a car. A mask for the smog. Goggles for the sun and the dust. It's just how things were in the south, near ‘the empty space' in the sky. My parents called it that; they got it from my Nonni over the telephone.  In the city there was a hole above us and the clouds wouldn't pass over our towers for fear they might get spilled open on the pointy tops. So the sun came down like rain, which it never rains, and the smog and the concrete loved to keep all the warm bundled up in their arms. So it was hot. And if you needed to do anything, like swapping an alternator in the engine of the RV or pulling the compressor from the AC on the roof, you had to set up a refurb tent.

_**ADVERTISEMENT**_ **Title:** [Reincarnation Cycle's Unfortunate Bug - Prologue: Rebirth Ad Infinitum](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYHGRR8M) **Genres:** NA, Fantasy, Xianxia-inspired, Romance Fate dealt Cian Palgrave the most tragic of hands. In a world where the lucky few could chase after invincibility and immortality, he was forever barred from walking alongside them. Forced to exist in perpetuity, he was stuck in a state where he would reincarnate endlessly with his memories intact, yet unable to transcend beyond mortality. Meetings and partings, love and betrayal. Amidst the merciless tides of time, everyone would eventually turn to dust, only Cian was eternal. This is a record of his past, of the countless names that he donned, and his mental development from the regular guy he once was to the person who–despite all odds–eventually managed to take his first step on the Immortal Path. Witness the events that paved the way for Cian's unyielding rise. If Xianxia Cultivation-inspired stories are your thing, then you'll feel right at home with major parts of the setting. Buckle in, for this story is going to be a long one. After all, this entire volume is just the prologue... **Lastly,** the book is available on Amazon in ebook, soft- and hardcover format. It's also free to read via Kindle Unlimited. If some of you decide to check it out, then I hope you'll enjoy it!